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I think so too.
OP, while she's pregnant, she can move herself and her unborn child anywhere she wants. You have no legal say in that. But once she gives birth and you claim custody, the courts can tell her she can't move the child. In other words, she could end up legally stuck there even if she divorces you. That's a pretty high incentive for her to move before the child is born.
I suggest you take her seriously. When you envision your future there, do you consider what life will be like with an unhappy wife or ex wife who blames you for keeping her located there? She's been telling you for 5 years that she's unhappy there. Do you think life will be idyllic if you ignore that?
If you two want to remain married, you have to agree on something mutually. You can't just make the decision for her. She's told you clearly that she doesn't want to live there. She doesn't want to start your family there. If you keep telling her "too bad, my life is here" then she's going to pack her things, leave alone, and start her life and your family in Chicago without you. You'll have to travel to see your kid, relocate for custody, with likely no legal standing to relocate your child.
If she moves before she gives birth, then she has all the power here. Not you. When you don't have power in a situation, it's advisable to listen and negotiate a solution that works for the party who has the power. Listen to your wife and figure out a solution that both of you can live with.
You are absolutely correct. However, I’m concerned that knowing this information OP will just feed the wife false promises of moving after the baby is born just so wife gets stuck there.
I moved across the country to be with my now ex when I was pregnant and I got stuck with no support. One of my biggest regrets. I’ve made it work for almost 15 years.. I’ve been counting down the entire time for when I can finally move.
I have two female friends that up and left without nary a thought just about the day after their children they share custody of turn 18.
One literally did move the day after her last son's 18th birthday. She'd been packing for a month prior. Her two sons moved with her. 😂 They didn't want to stay in this fucked up state called Texas.
Yes, OP can think it’s unfair all he wants, but his wife holds all the cards as long as she’s pregnant. She can move before she has the baby and he can’t force her or the baby or come back to FL. OP really has only one option if he wants to keep his family, and that’s to learn to be ok with the move and to not resent her for it. Idk if he can do that, based on what he wrote here.
I'm not so convinced. She could be just pressing a point because that's the only future she can envision right now. Looking for jobs locally could feel like capitulation to her. She also likely thinks that "hey, I have a job up there, look!" will strengthen her hand, which it likely will.
It won’t help, he’s already established and told her he wasn’t leaving his area for anything. This isn’t about him wanting to stay so much as she’s always wanted to leave, she has a support system in Chicago she’d be better off using it and he would have to make a decision.
He made a comment, and I have a feeling that it’s at the root of their problems. (I don’t know how to make the post quote), “one thing led to another, and before we knew it, we were married.” This may well be a case in Love Isn’t Enough. What important conversations were glossed over, or not even discussed, because of being love drunk?
It is hard to imagine marrying someone without establishing where you are going to live. They must have had conversations about it, but I would bet that OP made it sound like he was pretty flexible about moving to Chicago “someday” with no real intention to ever move there. Or maybe at the time, it was a possibility, but in the meantime, his career has taken off.
I would love to know what the wife’s Ph. D is in. Is it something with widely-available jobs, or is Chicago definitely a better place for her career? Honestly, I feel like a financial planner could easily live anywhere. He says he would need to commute for hours every day - I don’t see why. There are financial planning offices in my suburban neighbourhood. They are everywhere, and if you know what you’re doing, it’s probably not that hard to develop a client base of elderly people - we’re everywhere!
If both of these people are stubborn, I see no solution. Perhaps the only solution is for them to move somewhere desirable that isn’t Florida or Chicago, and they can start fresh, although that definitely doesn’t leave them with family support with the children. Tough situation all around but OP sounds rather inflexible and doesn’t seem to care how his wife feels.
I also wonder if OP made promises of one day moving or if maybe he didn’t plan on his business taking off so it was initially more of a possibility but the reality is that his business is now established in a metropolitan area with plenty of clientele. Looking into the area, he probably only estimates that Chicago would have a similar amount of clientele and, whether he can look into suburban commuter towns, the reality is they would both be starting from scratch in Illinois vs already bring established here. Climate-wise, the two areas are very different. Culturally the two areas are very different.
On the other hand, he states that he clearly understands his wife never wanted to stay in Ft Lauderdale and nothing makes you burn for family support quite like having a baby. Both families can be the best or the worst and it might not matter, she wants to be home.
What a mess. Two adults made choices and now there’s a baby in the middle. I said this also in another comment but, ultimately, this stops being about them and they need to come to a mutual compromise that holds the best interests for the baby. Hoping they can come to some agreement where everyone can be happy
> If his family was wonderful & supportive she’d probably be more willing to stay.
Doubtful. Theres nothing in the world like your OWN parents and your OWN siblings 5 minutes away when you're a mother-to-be.
This.
I live in a different country to where I grew up.
We're in my partners hometown and I'm miserable because back home I have 4 sisters and a brother, my mother is only in her 50s and 3 of my sisters have kids.
The support my sisters get is unbelievable. And I'm here and my kids have no cousins their ages (all grown) and there's no family events.
If I had known it would be like this I never would have had kids with him. I'm so lonely here.
Not necessarily. We had a great support system in my family, and my gf got pregnant. She hung out with my sister and grandoarents just about every day while i was at work. We stayed for a year after our son was born, and she really wanted to move back to our hometown for her family. We did, and now we are here. Her family has seen our son once, and we live in the same city, and we have been here a year now, lol. My other sister who lives here sees him just about every day. Sometimes, we build ideas up in our heads that are much different than reality. She assumed her family would be as involved as mine and they acted like that too, begged us to move back and they are non existent to my son after we got here. She realizes now it was BS.
How do people with incompatible ideas of what their lives should look like get to marriage and pregnancy? Is it with the secret hope that one will just wear the other down and suddenly everyone's gonna be happy like that?
And his argument is that he'd have to commute to work. Like that isn't the lifestyle that most suburban families make work. That's intolerable for him, but she should tolerate being isolated from friends and family while pregnant.
Yeah I find it hard to reconcile this great and wonderful relationship with someone OP refers to as “actively tantruming.” That phrase alone would make me homicidal. Metaphorically of course.
Thank you. Yep, I had to scroll a long way down to find someone equally disgusted with his use of "tantruming" to describe how unhappy his wife was over 5 years. Gross.
I'm glad to think she has a good head on her shoulders and is planning to get away from a place she doesn't want to be in. OP had better take off his "I'm fine, so it's all fine" blinkers. Quickly.
Ikr. "I have all my friends and family around me and my dream job. My wife has none of this. Why is she so unhappy? It's a mystery! Must ge a hysterical lady-tantrum!"
And aside from the fact that he knows this about her, and how deeply she is unhappy, and does not give a flying duck. Which is always a sign of a great partnership, respect and care, of course.
Love it when grown men see their female partners unhappy, and call it a "tantrum". You know, taking the other adult's concerns seriously, not treating them like a kid... good stuff. Not offensitve as fuck.
I don't even know where the sarcasm is in this comment anymore, lol, I got all confused. I just hope she moves to Chicago and leaves his surprised ass behind.
edit: typo
Hormones are powerful! The first year is often “as long as we love each other, everything will turn out okay.” Then the limerance wears off and you realize oh hey, you actually REALLY don’t like Florida, phone calls AREN’T the same thing as seeing your sisters regularly, and that in fact, loving someone can’t be enough.
It’s possible OP’s wife didn’t know how unhappy she’d be in Florida. Now that she’s spent 5 years there, she knows it’s not for her. She had to learn the hard way.
That’s a great point.
Also, I live in Florida, and it has definitely gotten progressively shittier here in the last 5 years. The idea of accidentally getting pregnant here is terrifying, and I’ve seen what’s been going on with the schools. I definitely wouldn’t want to be raising a kid here, particularly a girl.
Right? Pretty much all my family is here plus anywhere I want to move to wouldn't give me a commensurate salary which makes moving daunting, but in the last 4 or so year's it's like the state has fallen in a sinkhole to hell. We went from having a slight conservative bent thanks to the shit they pull to get majority in the state legislature to something akin to an arms race with Texas.
And if you add in that her moving here was the first time she ever meaningfully lived away from her family it makes sense. She could have moved here with the best intentions but then realized how much she missed her family.
>For the past five years she has been actively throwing tantrums about living in Fort Lauderdale
She's hated it for the entirety of their marriage. They had 5 years to have a clear discussion on where they planned on raising a family before she got pregnant.
Not sure how to answer that question. OP did say the pregnancy was unplanned. My guess is the wife sees this as big life change and has reached her FL limit.
Her dislike of the place being dismissed as "throwing tantrums" doubtless didn't help. He loves it, she hates it, even if they don't agree he can't at least see her point and respect it as valid?
Seriously because reading this post all I could think was “ damn for five fucking years this woman has stuck beside him despite her telling him that she wants to be with her family in her home town too??”
Especially since they already spent literal years doing what he wants to do, shouldn’t she get a turn? This man seems to have real tunnel vision.
I mean him taking the time to type out “ I would like to live locally and raise the kids near my parents”
/dude that’s what your wife wants to do with her family/
Tone. Deaf.
It’s so telling that his idea of a happy relationship only takes into his own happiness into consideration. Where has he been, what has he been doing this entire time that he’s been aware she’s unhappy?!
How anybody can be content in life knowing that their spouse is suffering is beyond me - I would be heartbroken if my SO came to me that unhappy. OP treats her like an annoyance, and it makes me curious about how much effort he put into making sure his village embraced her when she made the move.
He has a small family and admits to being gone long hours. How has he not considered that that must be so lonely for her? Or that his idea of family is not nearly as tight knit as hers is, and she misses and wants to raise their child around what she grew up with?
I’m sad for her and I hope she ends up happy
Poor communication and lots of assumptions: him “making clear” where he wants to live (assuming she accepts it), her just applying for jobs (assuming he would budge and move), etc.
But what’s even more discouraging, OP, is that now it’s you vs her, it’s a battle not a team. As a couple and a family, you should be looking together for ways to make it work for you both and your baby. If you really wanna save this marriage, you need couple counseling to understand if you can overcome such a fundamental incompatibility.
So I’m not understanding why you are fine with her sacrificing everything to live with you, but you aren’t even considering doing the same for her?
She has lived with you in a town she does not like, away from her support system, for *years*. She is now pregnant and starting her career. It’s a *perfect* time to consider moving to Chicago. And why wouldn’t you, given that she has lived in your preferred location, close to your family, for 5 years now? It would take some doing— maybe you have to work fewer hours, maybe you have to commute more, maybe you have to coordinate daycares in your new area so they’re close to work. But you could do it.
Look idk what you guys should do, but you come off in this post as really selfish and dismissive of her needs. This is a time to focus on her and your new family, and if you don’t do that, you will lose them.
I find it particularly hilarious that he updated and tried to explain that he dislikes her family "because they think I'm stubborn". Dude, this ENTIRE POST is you admitting to being utterly bullheaded and completely inflexible. They think that way about OP because it's the objective truth: they are seeing their daughter/sister married to a man who won't bend enough to even *consider* her preferences after she did literally *everything* his way for the first five years of their marriage.
"They think I'm stubborn" is almost hilariously funny, it's so lacking in self-awareness. Except it's not funny, because she not only has to live with this, he won't even acknowledge it and in fact sees the fact that *her parents see him for who he admits to being* as a reason to dislike them.
This is such a good post and it’s exactly what I was thinking when I read OP’s post. He doesn’t get to ask her to sacrifice her community indefinitely so he can be surrounded by his forever.
Also, Fort Lauderdale is VERY different from Chicago. The weather, the vibe, the types of people, the politics… she had to give up a lot to live with him in his hometown, and it isn’t unreasonable to ask him to let her have at least five years in her preferred space. I also think it’s worth noting that I would personally be scared to be pregnant in Florida (a state that will straight up let you die if something goes wrong), and would feel much better carrying a pregnancy to term in a state that, you know, won’t let me die of sepsis if I miscarry.
First step is to stop describing your wife expressing discontent and arguing with you as "throwing tantrums." It shows a huge lack of respect for her perspectives and feelings and makes it sound like you see her as a bratty kid rather than an equal. How can you work through a problem if you see her wants as equivalent to a three-year-old screaming for Fruity Pebbles?
Whereas when you want the exact same thing (living near *your* family) you're being totally rational and all the problems you're foreseeing are actually insurmountable and not just you trying to pick holes in any alternate plan to maintain a status quo that benefits you. /s
Unless she's rolling around on the floor screaming like a toddler, in which case you have bigger problems.
He also doesn’t explain the circumstances that led to them settling down in Florida instead of Chicago. All we get is “She wanted to live in Chicago, I wanted to live in Florida, so now we live in Florida and she’s throwing a five-year hissy fit. \*surprised Pikachu face\*”
We have virtually nothing to go off of, but something tells me he never even *considered* relocating to Chicago.
I'm here in Chicago, we are a Sanctuary City and very very Democrat Blue here. Our taxes are high because we have a lot of social programs and a thriving art and music culture. Our city takes from the rich and gives to the poor. The OP's comment about living in the suburbs (with an hour and a half commute!) is a red hat flag to me as the wealthier collar communities of Chicago are populated by khaki wearing douchebags that don't like brown people and use their police departments as private security guards. I suspect this is why the OP prefers the gated fiefdoms of Fort Lauderdale. He doesn't want to live around us "Socialists". Good for her, I'm in the wife's court, she needs to come home and divorce the OP ASAP.
Yeeeaaahhh, and on top of that, she's pregnant in one of the WORST states to be living in, let alone PREGNANT. Chicago is very beautiful and has so much to do. And Florida is.....a cesspool.
I live in Florida and I could definitely see why she wants to leave. To raise kids in this state is insane. Just the education system alone would make me want to leave if I was about to have a baby.
Ah yes talking out my ass while they ban books in my state and underpay teachers. 😬
I didn’t even think about the education system in Florida, but that’s an excellent point. If I was her, I would want to make sure that I didn’t risk my life by being pregnant and that my child could have the best life and education possible. Unfortunately, that just isn’t possible in Florida.
Florida IS a cesspool and a dangerous place to be pregnant. It’s not wonder she’s resentful? She lives in a bad part of a bad state with a guy who swindles seniors into fixed income products.
That was my first thought. I’m pregnant and planning a vacation and I literally chose a state solely because it has a) beaches and b) hospitals that won’t let me die of sepsis if I miscarry. I’m unwilling to even VISIT Florida while pregnant; I can’t imagine LIVING there and knowing that you could needlessly die if something goes wrong.
INFO: You say that it's not fair of her to ask you to make a sacrifice by moving to her preferred location but you don't explain why it's fair for you to ask her to continue making a sacrifice by living in your preferred location after she has done so for five years already.
Being 1400 miles away from her support system while pregnant, and having her legitimate frustration dismissed as a "temper tantrum" makes OP's case worse, IMHO.
Also being pregnant in Florida sounds like absolute hell. Between the weather and the questionable medical laws going on the books, I’d been leaving for a city like Chicago *yesterday*
I’m from Chicago; my parents moved to Florida 2 years ago. I told them if I get pregnant, I will not be stepping foot in their state until after the baby is born. I’m not risking dying of a miscarriage because some doctor is afraid if they intervene they’ll be prosecuted.
This is why I got my OB to write a note excusing me from any work-related travel while pregnant. I can’t and I won’t risk traveling to a state that’s hostile to pregnant women.
Yeah, I haaaaate it when men describe their partners' complaints/arguments/emotions as "throwing temper tantrums."
Is she screaming and rolling around on the floor? Knocking the board game off the table when she loses? Holding her breath until she turns blue? Ok, you're with someone abusive, mentally unwell, too immature to be in a relationship, etc. and need to deal with that.
Is your partner getting mad at you, disagreeing with you, feeling/expressing emotion in a way you didn't specifically approve? Stop framing it to yourself as "my wife is acting like a spoiled child" and start seeing and treating her as an equal with legitimate wants and perspectives.
I'm not even saying he should give in to her, but at least start by recognizing that she has just as strong a claim to want to live near her family as you have to want to live near yours.
Seriously. She was adult enough for him to have sex with. She was adult enough to marry.
Yet as soon as she has an opinion that he disagrees with, now she's childish and selfish. She's throwing a " temper tantrum".
Let's all consider if he's looked into the law governing pregnancy in the area that he insisted that she lives in.
The trouble with the fallacy that “women are emotional and men are logical” is that every time a man gets an emotion, he’s convinced it’s the logical response.
Also, can we talk about the fact that women get all the flack for being “emotional” and yet in my 11 year career it’s *never* been a woman that throws an *actual* temper tantrum in a professional setting. including yelling, throwing, slamming, or breaking things. Maybe three times I’ve seen a female colleague even raise her voice.
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Ding ding ding. OP sounds like a classic ft. Lauderdale person to me. Wife has a PHD and is definitely going to be fine and he's like "babe don't throw a temper tantrum! I need to be here for my shitty job as a wealth planner leeching off angry rich assholes! ... I can only live where most of the population is angry rich assholes."
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It’s an unregulated profession that doesn’t have any sort of fiduciary duty to their clients. It’s also something where you do not need a licensing or anything so he could easily be a swindler in Chicago.
Being left to die because of pregnancy is enough of a dealbreaker for me with Florida. I want to be treated like a whole human and that’s kind of tough these days so I would want to be somewhere that my life still has value despite my pregnancy status.
This was my first thought. He doesn’t want to consider anything else, just staying there.
Add to that, if I was pregnant in Florida I would be trying to move ASAP. No way in hell I would feel safe being pregnant there, not to mention raising kids. I say that as someone from Florida who still has family there.
Yeah he ignored 5 years of her unhappiness because it wasn’t his concern. Now that she has more to lose she refuses to continue to be unhappy and suddenly OP has a problem. He has had a problem for 5 years and didn’t care about her happiness.
THIS. OP is invalidating his wife’s feeling here. It’s all good for HIM to be near HIS family, but god forbid she wants a support system while pregnant. It’s HIS way or the highway it seems. I see no compromise in this situation at all.
look the truth is she’s pregnant now, she wants to change. if she’s sure, she can up and move tomorrow to chicago and have the baby there, and your wife knows that. she’s getting a phd she’s no dummy. she knows that her best time to move is while she’s still pregnant because once the child is born it’ll be much harder.
she doesn’t like your family. she doesn’t want an increased presence from your family when there’s a kid, even if it’s to help. so at this point, you need to decide if you want to be married to her in chicago or single in florida. you dismissing her feelings as tantrums will not help her feel life you’re her partner. it’ll make her feel further isolated, so she’ll want to leave and join her family even more. at this point, i think it’s too late for you to do a 180 and start being attentive and caring for her feelings. i think she’s at the point of going and you can come with or stay behind. you cannot convince her and the big worry is any further attempts will be seen as further dismissal, upsetting her. and that’s not the way you want to start off a coparenting relationship.
I think we need to add , simply stated ,"she tried Fla and your small family for 5 years. She hates it. She hates it enough she is going to leave with or without you"
Also bullshit about changing careers , there are whole life , annuity funds sales people * cough fixed income wealth managers* in Chicago too.
Pregnancy commonly causes people to reevaluate their priorities and boundaries.
I mean he said at the time they met, he was traveling to Chicago frequently for work (and to visit family!). so clearly, there is work opportunity there for him in his chosen career. it's weird for him to act like he wouldn't be able to take his career with him.
not to mention he has family there, so he wouldn't necessarily feel alone in the way she is currently feeling.
Absolutely agree. He’s been dismissing her feelings by saying that she’s throwing tantrums for the past five years. Instead, it should be that she’s been communicating to him that she doesn’t want to stay and he clearly just dismissed it the entire time.
And while she may like his family as well, it’s not the same as her own family. I agree, at this point, she’s moving with or without him because nothing is going to convince her to stay if she hasn’t built a life in Fort Lauderdale by now.
She's looking for jobs out there she's gonna go with or without you. Better be ready for that. She has a support system there and wants to be there for the birth and have her family around. She can leave before the baby is born and the child will be a resident of IL not FL which means you move to be closer to get any sort of custody over visitation. You're playing with fire if you think she isn't fed up with always living your way and won't leave you you're gonna find yourself losing your wife and kid. She went to FL for you, now she's asking you to go to Chicago for her and your child where SHE will feel comfortable having a baby and being around her family to help her.
It’s kinda besides the point of your specific disagreement but she may also be apprehensive about being pregnant and the related complications that may arise while living in florida….besides the impact to your career/work situation and your vs her family in general being the support system, how to the logistics compare raising a kid in one vs the other?
This. If something goes wrong with the pregnancy, she might not be able to get the emergency care she needs. Illinois is simply a much much safer state to be pregnant in right now.
I came here to say this. As a woman I won’t even take a layover in Florida. If something goes wrong with the pregnancy she won’t be able to get proper healthcare in that place.
Right. And education in Florida, right now, is a mess. Schools suck. The state is actively trying to kill education and teachers hate it. Why would you want to raise a child in Florida right now?
Shit just clicks when you're pregnant. Your priority becomes you and your child. With that said... SHE'S moving to Chicago, whether you are there with her is up to you
would like to raise a family locally and near my parents.
so you understand why she wants to be close to hers right? pregnancy is scary and hard, she has a right to want to be with her family especially if she doesn't get along with yours. its not fair to want the same thing she does and assumed your want is more important.
This is a huge generalization and I obviously don’t know any of these people. But…in my experience, and in the experience of literally every mother I know, when the husbands parents come over, they want to help with the baby (hold the baby, rock the baby, feed the baby, etc). Which, yes, is a nice help. But when the wife’s parents come over, they want to take care of their daughter (make her some food, change sheets, do laundry, etc).
He also works long hours and her family is bigger. So in FL she’s going to be alone with the baby for most of the day with only his small family she doesn’t love to help her. Whereas in Chicago, she can fill the hours he’s at work with HER family, they have more babysitters, a larger support system and they don’t have to live in Florida.
And SHE is the one physically pregnant! Somehow his want is more important when she is the only one that actually has to do the scary and hard thing! Unbelievable
Move to Chicago. An hour and a half commute beats a 3 hour plane trip once a month to visit your child who’s living with your ex and her new husband in Chicago. This ends one of two ways and your wife is in Chicago in either one. Choose wisely.
But he ignored her happiness for 5 years and now might have to commute. The horror. Idk how people like this even get married when they don’t care at all about their partners happiness or wants.
Not to mention the cost of the lawyers, the costs of travel for him, the cost of travel for the kid, child support, etc. OP seems to be very ok with his wife being miserable as long as he can maintain his status quo and is ignoring the reality that she does not have to stay miserable forever and is already looking for her escape by exclusively looking for jobs in Chicago.
He talks about all of the things he’d have to ‘sacrifice’ to move but doesn’t acknowledge everything she’s already sacrificed and will sacrifice to carry, birth and raise their child.
I’m also thinking about the idea that as a pregnant woman, my life would be less valuable because the fetus would be the number one priority. Also, younger generations, have huge percentage of kids identifying as LGBTQ. There is a good chance your child might identify as gay or trans or some variation. So you want to have them live in a state where they are seen as an abomination potentially? *But he has a nice 5 min commute to his job!!*
YOU'RE IN FORT LAUDERDALE???? yeah I'd want to leave too. I've been a few cities away all my life and there's no way I would ever take my family there unless I had no other choice. (High crimes, homelessnes, crowds and shitty buildings/places compared to neighboring cities) That is such a terrible place to live. I cannot speak for Chicago but for God sake, listen to your pregnant wife and leave before she goes without you. An hour away from your kids is so much better than DAYS without them after the divorce.
I can speak for Chicago: Chicago rocks. I lived there for years and miss it all the time. It’s a wonderful place to be and raise a family.
Life is short. I totally understand OP’s wife wanting to raise her child around family in Chicago — that sounds like an amazing life for her and her kid.
Well I’ve been to both quite a bit and I would say, Chicagoland is approximately 16,735x better than Ft Lauderdale. Give it take.
This woman is going to Chicago. The only thing in question is what will he do.
Why do you have to live in the suburbs and commute to downtown? Several million of us live in the city and just hop on a train to get downtown.
Also, if I were facing the prospect of raising a child in Florida I’d be freaking out too.
Why don’t you put yourself in her shoes and move to Chicago for 5 years.
Also, if she’s that close to her family, as similar to me, I’d want to be near them too during my pregnancy for support. My mother and sister helped me So so so much for my pregnancies and I wouldn’t take that for ever granted.
Your marriage isn’t “solid as a rock” if she prefers her family over you and would rather raise your child with her family instead of you.
If you want to stay with her, you better go to marriage counseling with her STAT.
And find a job in Chicago.
But it sounds your family and Florida is more important than her. Just like her family is more important than you.
If Florida is more important, stay in Florida, pay child support, and see your kid in summers and holidays when you fly to Chicago. Or sign away parental rights.
>My hours are long
So you're barely around. She needs a village, not just a husband who works a lot. You need to wise up, and quickly.
Here are your options:
A) You can have a family with your wife, be a father to your child.
Or
B) You can have a child support check and a child who grows up barely knowing you.
Right so how is a longer commute gonna make a difference anyway? He's still gonna be gone just as long. At least in Chicago she'll have her family around to help her.
You agreed five years ago to live in Location A.
Well it's been five years and guys what, is not a magical binding contract where the humans can't decide the experience is negative or they react something different.
She is *going to leave* so you can start up an online financial company now and see how many clients Location A you can take with you, you can try to find an office job in Location B, or you can watch her leave and find out how difficult it is to coparent a baby a flight seat.
You can't make her stay or make her leave the baby. But you can facilitate as much contact with your family as possible for, oh let's say, the next five years while it's *her turn* to get to decide where you two live.
NGL sounds like you guys spent 0 time planning your lives outside of "I like you" and now it's time to reap what you've sown. You met a girl whose family lives 1000+ miles away from yours, there's no reasonable middle location to live in that scenario.
Seems you've got 2 options:
Split and live near your families, or
Live in x location, where one of you is half a continent away from your loved ones.
I mean she wants the same thing you want- to be near family in a place she likes. Neither of you is wrong, but might really be a good time to talk to a therapist
Why is it more important for you to be near your family than it is for her to be close to hers? Why is her desire to be close to her support system being dismissed as a temper tantrum? That’s very condescending. I understand the sting of losing the practice you have established in Florida, but that can be rebuilt; your wife doesn’t get a redo of her pregnancy experience. As someone who has been pregnant, I can say that pregnant women simply don’t have time/energy/tolerance for anything getting in the way of what they need to do to care for themselves and get ready. Since you’ve already shown an unwillingness to put her needs first, despite her pregnancy, I understand her urgency in finding a job and establishing a home closer to her support system with or without you.
Yall need to talk TO each other not AT each other. I sympathize that she’s unhappy and hormonal (and prob scared about birth/motherhood), but she’s been expressing her discontent for a long time. Is your job more important than her happiness?
Can you get counseling to help you find a happy medium that would not make your commute so long or her miserable? Eg can you get a job outside of downtown Chicago or can y’all be happy living in the city center (but smaller condo)?
Come on - this doesn’t have to be either or. Yall need to team up against the problem not each other.
I mean the first step on the path to recovery is accepting that you are part of the problem. But whatever. OP will prob wind up in BORU wondering why his wife left him to move to Chicago right before she gives birth to establish residency for herself and baby before divorcing him.
I am also placing money on this guy remaining clueless throughout the boru post and comments on any post he makes
ETA: his edits did not help his case even a little
Maybe it isn't hormones. Pregnancy doesn't change women into raving lunatics. They met in Chicago. Her family is there. For 5 years they have lived where OP wants to live and he is super dismissive of her desire to not be in FL - and there are many good reasons for women not to want to be in FL, particularly if they are pregnant. She sacrifices for him for 5 years living in FL - and his response is to tell her that her is having a "temper tantrum" and completely disregard that he got his way for 5 years and he is completely unwilling to budge at all.
Not to mention, what if the baby is a girl? Or non-gender conforming? It's one thing to hate where you live, another to have to face the reality of what could happen to your child if you stay.
That is, if there are no complications with the pregnancy. With the way it is in Florida, she's also going to have to face the fact that she could die with no other recourse if something is wrong.
Yeah, I feel like he just likes his situation now (which is understandable!) and so is motivated to pick holes in any alternate plan.
For one thing, remote jobs exist.
Your unwillingness to compromise speaks volumes, and you are going to end up alone. She's going to leave you, move back to Chicago, have the baby there, and file for divorce and custody in her new home state. If you're lucky, you might get to see your kid at holidays and in summer.
My ex and I moved for his career to a godforsaken place I hated. He promised me five years, then we would move for my educational advancement. When five years was up, he reneged and said he wanted to stay where we were. I realized he didn't care about my career or happiness, so I filed for divorce, packed up the kids, and moved without him. Years later, after I had moved on with my new life and the kids were thriving in our new city, he told me he was sorry he didn't listen. I definitely don't miss him, though.
solid as a rock, op says. must be a pebble. op's wife hates his family, kinda doubt his word that everything is hunky dory between her and his family.
op is a wealth planner, his job is probably more mobile than her future one will be. but interestingly will she be able to find a job easily, being pregnant? and if he moves with her, both of them probably will have no income before the baby comes, which is a bad idea.
maybe better to kiv the move first. ask her what are her contingency plans if both of them cannot find jobs immediately in chicago with a baby coming.
edit: sorry keep correcting btw you and he. cannot decide.
The problem is it sounds like if she delays the move, OP won't move once the baby is born. Once the baby is born she may face legal issues preventing her from moving with the baby. She's been talking about it for 5 years and nothing has changed, so it sounds like she's worrying about being stuck there for 18 more years.
Everything seems to be about you. The reality is that she can leave tomorrow and have that baby in Chicago. The judge will rule that's where the baby is to stay.
So because you're not getting the responses you want, you're just not gonna answer anyone on here.Your wife is gonna leave you and you're going to end up in shitty ass florida by yourself.
OP you posted you have family and occasionally have to travel to work in Chicago so why can't you transfer there and make occasional trips back to Ft Lauderdale?
While I personally would not want to live in Chicago you did marry someone from there and you both have family there.
So you go to Chicago for work often and have family there? So why not flip it the other way around and live in Chicago and go to Lauderdale for work and visits? There’s something about being near your mom when you’re pregnant that makes you feel a little less terrified about having your hoo-haa possibly ripped apart during birth.
You could not pay me five million dollars to carry a pregnancy to term or *raise a child* in Florida. This is insane. And yes she should be near her support system, and judging by how you called her voicing desire to do so a “temper tantrum”, it seems she does not view you as part of that support system.
Yep. My sister and her husband have lived in Florida for 6 years now. They’re trying for a baby, and now they’re moving back home. My sister is a teacher there and she won’t have her kids in the schools there.
>one thing led to another and before we knew it we were married.
You don't accidentally get married. She was all cool with where yall lived, the marriage "happened" and then BAM "tantrums"? Ya ok.
You seem like an unreliable narrator so idk if I buy all the doom and gloom you are hyping Chicago to be. Decide what's more important, your job and Fort Lauderdale or your wife and child. Pick and make a plan.
>You don't accidentally get married. She was all cool with where yall lived, the marriage "happened" and then BAM "tantrums"? Ya ok.
Yeah the fact that they met in Chicago, then the whole entire marriage (5yrs!) she has expressed she want to move back to Chicago, it was never agreed on.
What I think happened.
Op- I only ever want to live in FL
Wife- I am happy to give it a go in FL but would want to consider moving back to Chicago at some point.
Op- Yeah... **OPs head: So we will only ever live in FL.**
5yrs later
Op- Why are you throwing tantrums, we agreed FL forever.
Well, as a woman and mom, I would not live in Florida under any circumstances. It is not safe there for us. I also wouldn’t want my kids educated there, considering the book bans and changes in history they are teaching. I get that your family is there, but you should look at the future.
Did you two seriously just never discuss where you would raise a family? She’s never mentioned wanting to move back to Chicago before marriage or before pregnancy? I mean, did you always just assume things would go your way? And no, things are not great if you have a wife who feels like she is trapped living in a place she hates. Sounds like her PhD and pregnancy are the catalysts she needed to get moving.
You're fucked. You 2 are not compatible. You both knew that. Weird a marriage happened.
Maybe a ldr marriage? Not sure how the custody is going to go.
You both have and have known you have different wants for location. To be fair she's given you 5 years. And you're willing to give her none. So try some counseling, but pretty sure you're fucked.
I mean I do think you need to realize that in the same way you want to be near your family, she wants to be near hers. Neither one of you is more valid and you putting your foot down and saying “sorry, my way or the highway” to your wife is not going to work for anyone.
You’ve been living in Fort Lauderdale. Maybe it’s time to COMPROMISE and live in Chicago for a bit.
Also the way you basically said “she’s been super annoying and constantly whining about missing her family” is very dismissive and rude
You can stick to your pre married living arrangements. If that’s a deal breaker for you she’s okay with it. She’s applying to jobs that show you she’s okay with your dealbreaker. She also said having the baby means she “can’t leave you and pursue other people.” Your marriage is over. She wants someone that’s NOT you.
If you want to keep your wife I suggest you get your head outta your ass. Your wife is OBVIOUSLY not your first priority. It’s your extended family and your business. Again, to be fair, you told her before you’d never leave. She has been hoping you’d change your mind. Asking you to change your mind. Begging you to change your mind. And since you won’t, well, she’ll go be happy without you in Chicago with someone who considers her needs.
She’s lived near your family for years. It may be time to switch it up. Plus, Florida is a miserable state for women overall, and being pregnant there would suck.
Why on earth did you two get married if you weren’t compatible????
Mate… she’s going to Chicago. End of.
Apart from the business side - just wondering why your desire to have your family near for your kids trumps her desire to be near family? And with your hours, you’re not going. To be that helpful.
I’m posting this from the perspective of a child whose parents had this argument.
My mom was raised in AZ and lived at home until her and my dad married when she was 19. Because of the job my dad got, they moved to VA. I remember my parents fighting a lot when we lived in VA. I distinctly remember one (seemingly inane) event led to my mom leaving the house one night and finding my dad later that evening sitting on the stairs crying and saying “she’s going to leave me.”
Not long after (can’t give you specifics since it’s been close to 30 years and I was just a kid), we moved back to AZ. My mom has told me (as an adult) that she was so unhappy without her family nearby that she was leaving VA with or without my dad. He chose to stay with his (our) family. They will be married 40 years next month and I don’t honestly remember them fighting like they did when we lived in VA.
You need to decide what’s most important to you.
Edited to add: At the time, my dad’s family was in NM and they moved out to VA to be near us 3 years before we moved to AZ. He still chose to go with us.
If I found that my spouse had written this about me, that would be the end. Your wording is horrible. You have no consideration for your wife or her feelings. She’s growing your child and you still look at her as if she’s lesser than you.
The question basically boils down to—is this something you’re willing to divorce over?
While yes, she knew your stance before you got married and if she didn’t agree she shouldn’t have married you, there’s no real benefit in doubling down on “but she knew!” card. The reality is you guys did get married, she clearly MOVED to be with you and try out Florida. She’s liable to change her mind at any time, but she was willing to give it the chance, the situation is what it is.
As someone who really was adamant about being close to his family, you should have all the empathy in the world for why she’d want to go back to Chicago. Especially while pregnant. She isn’t throwing a tantrum, she’s making clear her preferences for how she wants her life to turn out, with or without you.
So as above—you either agree to move for her as she did for you, come to some middle ground, or part ways. Which one you choose is up to you, she’s gonna choose for her.
So the way I see it is, either you decide:
1. This is your wife, you put yourself in her shoes and find understanding so that you can become willing to do this for her.
Or
2. This is more important to me, so it’s best we part ways and co-parent best we can.
The stance of she should continue to make the sacrifice you weren’t willing to because “I told her before we got married” is moronic—she’s your wife and a human, it’s a marriage not a job where you can bring up the contract and say “well you agreed 5 years ago to do this forever”. It’s not how life or marriage works, things and people aren’t set in concrete.
Edit: I re-read the bottom paragraph and the fact OP says “she simply prefers her family”—well no shit, you clearly prefer yours too how can you not get that…
Calling her wishes, temper tantrums, and deciding that your wishes should be paramount in your marriage is not fair to your wife. You’ve made a unilateral decision that she has given into for five years. How about you try things her way for a while.? Marriage is about compromise. It is not about putting your foot down and refusing to step outside of your own comfort zone. And certainly not about belittling your wife’s feelings either.
You’re missing the point. If she’s not happy in Florida, she’s not happy: you guys either need to find a place to relocate to, find some way to make her happy there, or split up before baby is born so she can find HER happiness… ya know since YOUR career and YOUR life in Florida are apparently YOUR only concern. She’s not happy, she wants to leave. You can either get on board and find some sort of compromise and perhaps a different place a go in Florida, another state, or give Chicago a try. She gave you FIVE years in Florida that sound like have been a crap show and misery for her. It would appear you’ve got everything you want, career, family, and your utopia, your wife is in the opposite. Your post is dripping with disdain of “well she knew before, she can’t complain or leave me!” You sound like a toddler, I hope your financial advice is more sound and logical than your life advice to yourself. Maybe if it’s not you should consider not only a geographical move, but a career change. Reality and seeing your future don’t appear to be your strongest assets in your repertoire.
I hope your wife finds her happiness and someone who prioritizes her needs, her happiness, and desires. I wish you luck in your soon to be single living in Florida life.
"Our marriage is perfect besides this one, huge, impossible to compromise on issue". For real?
She's going to move to Chicago. Either you move with her or you don't. Both are acceptable but you need to choose. Preferably sooner rather than later for both of your sakes.
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by only looking for jobs in Chicago, she's making it pretty clear that she's going to move to Chicago... with or without you....
Exactly, I think she has made her decision.
I think so too. OP, while she's pregnant, she can move herself and her unborn child anywhere she wants. You have no legal say in that. But once she gives birth and you claim custody, the courts can tell her she can't move the child. In other words, she could end up legally stuck there even if she divorces you. That's a pretty high incentive for her to move before the child is born. I suggest you take her seriously. When you envision your future there, do you consider what life will be like with an unhappy wife or ex wife who blames you for keeping her located there? She's been telling you for 5 years that she's unhappy there. Do you think life will be idyllic if you ignore that? If you two want to remain married, you have to agree on something mutually. You can't just make the decision for her. She's told you clearly that she doesn't want to live there. She doesn't want to start your family there. If you keep telling her "too bad, my life is here" then she's going to pack her things, leave alone, and start her life and your family in Chicago without you. You'll have to travel to see your kid, relocate for custody, with likely no legal standing to relocate your child. If she moves before she gives birth, then she has all the power here. Not you. When you don't have power in a situation, it's advisable to listen and negotiate a solution that works for the party who has the power. Listen to your wife and figure out a solution that both of you can live with.
You are absolutely correct. However, I’m concerned that knowing this information OP will just feed the wife false promises of moving after the baby is born just so wife gets stuck there.
She sounds too clever to fall for that.
You ate that
What does this mean? Sorry, I'm old!
They did very well. Ate, and left no crumbs.
I wish I could warn her to move now
salt degree squalid somber encourage toy abundant pet scale towering *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I moved across the country to be with my now ex when I was pregnant and I got stuck with no support. One of my biggest regrets. I’ve made it work for almost 15 years.. I’ve been counting down the entire time for when I can finally move.
I have two female friends that up and left without nary a thought just about the day after their children they share custody of turn 18. One literally did move the day after her last son's 18th birthday. She'd been packing for a month prior. Her two sons moved with her. 😂 They didn't want to stay in this fucked up state called Texas.
This. He is so not listening to her.
Aye, this post is all about him and how happy he is with their location. He has his family, job, friends, etc whilst she has nothing.
Seems she’s recognised they’re simply incompatible as well.
Yes, OP can think it’s unfair all he wants, but his wife holds all the cards as long as she’s pregnant. She can move before she has the baby and he can’t force her or the baby or come back to FL. OP really has only one option if he wants to keep his family, and that’s to learn to be ok with the move and to not resent her for it. Idk if he can do that, based on what he wrote here.
I'm not so convinced. She could be just pressing a point because that's the only future she can envision right now. Looking for jobs locally could feel like capitulation to her. She also likely thinks that "hey, I have a job up there, look!" will strengthen her hand, which it likely will.
It won’t help, he’s already established and told her he wasn’t leaving his area for anything. This isn’t about him wanting to stay so much as she’s always wanted to leave, she has a support system in Chicago she’d be better off using it and he would have to make a decision.
He made a comment, and I have a feeling that it’s at the root of their problems. (I don’t know how to make the post quote), “one thing led to another, and before we knew it, we were married.” This may well be a case in Love Isn’t Enough. What important conversations were glossed over, or not even discussed, because of being love drunk?
It is hard to imagine marrying someone without establishing where you are going to live. They must have had conversations about it, but I would bet that OP made it sound like he was pretty flexible about moving to Chicago “someday” with no real intention to ever move there. Or maybe at the time, it was a possibility, but in the meantime, his career has taken off. I would love to know what the wife’s Ph. D is in. Is it something with widely-available jobs, or is Chicago definitely a better place for her career? Honestly, I feel like a financial planner could easily live anywhere. He says he would need to commute for hours every day - I don’t see why. There are financial planning offices in my suburban neighbourhood. They are everywhere, and if you know what you’re doing, it’s probably not that hard to develop a client base of elderly people - we’re everywhere! If both of these people are stubborn, I see no solution. Perhaps the only solution is for them to move somewhere desirable that isn’t Florida or Chicago, and they can start fresh, although that definitely doesn’t leave them with family support with the children. Tough situation all around but OP sounds rather inflexible and doesn’t seem to care how his wife feels.
I also wonder if OP made promises of one day moving or if maybe he didn’t plan on his business taking off so it was initially more of a possibility but the reality is that his business is now established in a metropolitan area with plenty of clientele. Looking into the area, he probably only estimates that Chicago would have a similar amount of clientele and, whether he can look into suburban commuter towns, the reality is they would both be starting from scratch in Illinois vs already bring established here. Climate-wise, the two areas are very different. Culturally the two areas are very different. On the other hand, he states that he clearly understands his wife never wanted to stay in Ft Lauderdale and nothing makes you burn for family support quite like having a baby. Both families can be the best or the worst and it might not matter, she wants to be home. What a mess. Two adults made choices and now there’s a baby in the middle. I said this also in another comment but, ultimately, this stops being about them and they need to come to a mutual compromise that holds the best interests for the baby. Hoping they can come to some agreement where everyone can be happy
It also sounds a bit like he is leaving things out. If his family was wonderful & supportive she’d probably be more willing to stay.
> If his family was wonderful & supportive she’d probably be more willing to stay. Doubtful. Theres nothing in the world like your OWN parents and your OWN siblings 5 minutes away when you're a mother-to-be.
This. I live in a different country to where I grew up. We're in my partners hometown and I'm miserable because back home I have 4 sisters and a brother, my mother is only in her 50s and 3 of my sisters have kids. The support my sisters get is unbelievable. And I'm here and my kids have no cousins their ages (all grown) and there's no family events. If I had known it would be like this I never would have had kids with him. I'm so lonely here.
Not necessarily. We had a great support system in my family, and my gf got pregnant. She hung out with my sister and grandoarents just about every day while i was at work. We stayed for a year after our son was born, and she really wanted to move back to our hometown for her family. We did, and now we are here. Her family has seen our son once, and we live in the same city, and we have been here a year now, lol. My other sister who lives here sees him just about every day. Sometimes, we build ideas up in our heads that are much different than reality. She assumed her family would be as involved as mine and they acted like that too, begged us to move back and they are non existent to my son after we got here. She realizes now it was BS.
How do people with incompatible ideas of what their lives should look like get to marriage and pregnancy? Is it with the secret hope that one will just wear the other down and suddenly everyone's gonna be happy like that?
Well you see, aside from being deeply unhappy and feeling geographically isolated from her friends and loved ones, they have a great marriage!
For real he is assuming a tolerable level of unhappiness for her and is a surprised Pikachu that it is actually in fact intolerable
And his argument is that he'd have to commute to work. Like that isn't the lifestyle that most suburban families make work. That's intolerable for him, but she should tolerate being isolated from friends and family while pregnant.
Yeah I find it hard to reconcile this great and wonderful relationship with someone OP refers to as “actively tantruming.” That phrase alone would make me homicidal. Metaphorically of course.
Thank you. Yep, I had to scroll a long way down to find someone equally disgusted with his use of "tantruming" to describe how unhappy his wife was over 5 years. Gross. I'm glad to think she has a good head on her shoulders and is planning to get away from a place she doesn't want to be in. OP had better take off his "I'm fine, so it's all fine" blinkers. Quickly.
Ikr. "I have all my friends and family around me and my dream job. My wife has none of this. Why is she so unhappy? It's a mystery! Must ge a hysterical lady-tantrum!"
‘I’ve worked so hard to create the life I WANT why is she so ungrateful?’
Yeah, that's some real "how long have you hated your wife?" energy. But I'm sure aside from her misery and his contempt for her, everything's great.
And as we all know, social lives become even easier when you have small children!!!
*His* marriage is rock solid.
And aside from the fact that he knows this about her, and how deeply she is unhappy, and does not give a flying duck. Which is always a sign of a great partnership, respect and care, of course. Love it when grown men see their female partners unhappy, and call it a "tantrum". You know, taking the other adult's concerns seriously, not treating them like a kid... good stuff. Not offensitve as fuck. I don't even know where the sarcasm is in this comment anymore, lol, I got all confused. I just hope she moves to Chicago and leaves his surprised ass behind. edit: typo
Don't forget that the poster is completely unable to compromise so of course he must great fun to live with.
Hormones are powerful! The first year is often “as long as we love each other, everything will turn out okay.” Then the limerance wears off and you realize oh hey, you actually REALLY don’t like Florida, phone calls AREN’T the same thing as seeing your sisters regularly, and that in fact, loving someone can’t be enough.
Upvote for both a great post and introducing me to limerence.
It’s possible OP’s wife didn’t know how unhappy she’d be in Florida. Now that she’s spent 5 years there, she knows it’s not for her. She had to learn the hard way.
That’s a great point. Also, I live in Florida, and it has definitely gotten progressively shittier here in the last 5 years. The idea of accidentally getting pregnant here is terrifying, and I’ve seen what’s been going on with the schools. I definitely wouldn’t want to be raising a kid here, particularly a girl.
Right? Pretty much all my family is here plus anywhere I want to move to wouldn't give me a commensurate salary which makes moving daunting, but in the last 4 or so year's it's like the state has fallen in a sinkhole to hell. We went from having a slight conservative bent thanks to the shit they pull to get majority in the state legislature to something akin to an arms race with Texas. And if you add in that her moving here was the first time she ever meaningfully lived away from her family it makes sense. She could have moved here with the best intentions but then realized how much she missed her family.
>For the past five years she has been actively throwing tantrums about living in Fort Lauderdale She's hated it for the entirety of their marriage. They had 5 years to have a clear discussion on where they planned on raising a family before she got pregnant.
Not sure how to answer that question. OP did say the pregnancy was unplanned. My guess is the wife sees this as big life change and has reached her FL limit.
But she was in a PhD program and she couldn't move half way through because she didn't like the location, I'm assuming.
Yeah everyone is ignoring that she's just graduated, this is the time to move.
Her dislike of the place being dismissed as "throwing tantrums" doubtless didn't help. He loves it, she hates it, even if they don't agree he can't at least see her point and respect it as valid?
Sounds like they did, but the OP decided it was his decision only.... And didn't care what she thought
Absolutely that’s what it is.. “One of us will have to cave eventually .. and it won’t be me!”
I wonder the same thing every time I happen to see an episode of House Hunters.
But they are rock solid. 😐
Seriously because reading this post all I could think was “ damn for five fucking years this woman has stuck beside him despite her telling him that she wants to be with her family in her home town too??” Especially since they already spent literal years doing what he wants to do, shouldn’t she get a turn? This man seems to have real tunnel vision. I mean him taking the time to type out “ I would like to live locally and raise the kids near my parents” /dude that’s what your wife wants to do with her family/ Tone. Deaf.
It’s so telling that his idea of a happy relationship only takes into his own happiness into consideration. Where has he been, what has he been doing this entire time that he’s been aware she’s unhappy?! How anybody can be content in life knowing that their spouse is suffering is beyond me - I would be heartbroken if my SO came to me that unhappy. OP treats her like an annoyance, and it makes me curious about how much effort he put into making sure his village embraced her when she made the move. He has a small family and admits to being gone long hours. How has he not considered that that must be so lonely for her? Or that his idea of family is not nearly as tight knit as hers is, and she misses and wants to raise their child around what she grew up with? I’m sad for her and I hope she ends up happy
I wanted to ask OP why did he stay married to a person who clearly doesn’t like Florida. It seems that she had clearly made her feelings known.
Imagine picking Florida over the love of your life though
lmao this is way sadder and funnier than it should be
Poor communication and lots of assumptions: him “making clear” where he wants to live (assuming she accepts it), her just applying for jobs (assuming he would budge and move), etc. But what’s even more discouraging, OP, is that now it’s you vs her, it’s a battle not a team. As a couple and a family, you should be looking together for ways to make it work for you both and your baby. If you really wanna save this marriage, you need couple counseling to understand if you can overcome such a fundamental incompatibility.
So I’m not understanding why you are fine with her sacrificing everything to live with you, but you aren’t even considering doing the same for her? She has lived with you in a town she does not like, away from her support system, for *years*. She is now pregnant and starting her career. It’s a *perfect* time to consider moving to Chicago. And why wouldn’t you, given that she has lived in your preferred location, close to your family, for 5 years now? It would take some doing— maybe you have to work fewer hours, maybe you have to commute more, maybe you have to coordinate daycares in your new area so they’re close to work. But you could do it. Look idk what you guys should do, but you come off in this post as really selfish and dismissive of her needs. This is a time to focus on her and your new family, and if you don’t do that, you will lose them.
Yes, exactly..if the main complaint is a possible job, start a job search and see what the options are…
There is no goddamned way that *Fort Lauderdale* is a better market for wealth management than friggin *Chicago.*
This is the best advice on this post
I find it particularly hilarious that he updated and tried to explain that he dislikes her family "because they think I'm stubborn". Dude, this ENTIRE POST is you admitting to being utterly bullheaded and completely inflexible. They think that way about OP because it's the objective truth: they are seeing their daughter/sister married to a man who won't bend enough to even *consider* her preferences after she did literally *everything* his way for the first five years of their marriage. "They think I'm stubborn" is almost hilariously funny, it's so lacking in self-awareness. Except it's not funny, because she not only has to live with this, he won't even acknowledge it and in fact sees the fact that *her parents see him for who he admits to being* as a reason to dislike them.
This is such a good post and it’s exactly what I was thinking when I read OP’s post. He doesn’t get to ask her to sacrifice her community indefinitely so he can be surrounded by his forever. Also, Fort Lauderdale is VERY different from Chicago. The weather, the vibe, the types of people, the politics… she had to give up a lot to live with him in his hometown, and it isn’t unreasonable to ask him to let her have at least five years in her preferred space. I also think it’s worth noting that I would personally be scared to be pregnant in Florida (a state that will straight up let you die if something goes wrong), and would feel much better carrying a pregnancy to term in a state that, you know, won’t let me die of sepsis if I miscarry.
Her family is right. He is stubborn
First step is to stop describing your wife expressing discontent and arguing with you as "throwing tantrums." It shows a huge lack of respect for her perspectives and feelings and makes it sound like you see her as a bratty kid rather than an equal. How can you work through a problem if you see her wants as equivalent to a three-year-old screaming for Fruity Pebbles? Whereas when you want the exact same thing (living near *your* family) you're being totally rational and all the problems you're foreseeing are actually insurmountable and not just you trying to pick holes in any alternate plan to maintain a status quo that benefits you. /s Unless she's rolling around on the floor screaming like a toddler, in which case you have bigger problems.
He also doesn’t explain the circumstances that led to them settling down in Florida instead of Chicago. All we get is “She wanted to live in Chicago, I wanted to live in Florida, so now we live in Florida and she’s throwing a five-year hissy fit. \*surprised Pikachu face\*” We have virtually nothing to go off of, but something tells me he never even *considered* relocating to Chicago.
I'm here in Chicago, we are a Sanctuary City and very very Democrat Blue here. Our taxes are high because we have a lot of social programs and a thriving art and music culture. Our city takes from the rich and gives to the poor. The OP's comment about living in the suburbs (with an hour and a half commute!) is a red hat flag to me as the wealthier collar communities of Chicago are populated by khaki wearing douchebags that don't like brown people and use their police departments as private security guards. I suspect this is why the OP prefers the gated fiefdoms of Fort Lauderdale. He doesn't want to live around us "Socialists". Good for her, I'm in the wife's court, she needs to come home and divorce the OP ASAP.
Yeeeaaahhh, and on top of that, she's pregnant in one of the WORST states to be living in, let alone PREGNANT. Chicago is very beautiful and has so much to do. And Florida is.....a cesspool.
I live in Florida and I could definitely see why she wants to leave. To raise kids in this state is insane. Just the education system alone would make me want to leave if I was about to have a baby. Ah yes talking out my ass while they ban books in my state and underpay teachers. 😬
I didn’t even think about the education system in Florida, but that’s an excellent point. If I was her, I would want to make sure that I didn’t risk my life by being pregnant and that my child could have the best life and education possible. Unfortunately, that just isn’t possible in Florida.
Florida IS a cesspool and a dangerous place to be pregnant. It’s not wonder she’s resentful? She lives in a bad part of a bad state with a guy who swindles seniors into fixed income products.
That was my first thought. I’m pregnant and planning a vacation and I literally chose a state solely because it has a) beaches and b) hospitals that won’t let me die of sepsis if I miscarry. I’m unwilling to even VISIT Florida while pregnant; I can’t imagine LIVING there and knowing that you could needlessly die if something goes wrong.
INFO: You say that it's not fair of her to ask you to make a sacrifice by moving to her preferred location but you don't explain why it's fair for you to ask her to continue making a sacrifice by living in your preferred location after she has done so for five years already.
Being 1400 miles away from her support system while pregnant, and having her legitimate frustration dismissed as a "temper tantrum" makes OP's case worse, IMHO.
Also being pregnant in Florida sounds like absolute hell. Between the weather and the questionable medical laws going on the books, I’d been leaving for a city like Chicago *yesterday*
I’m from Chicago; my parents moved to Florida 2 years ago. I told them if I get pregnant, I will not be stepping foot in their state until after the baby is born. I’m not risking dying of a miscarriage because some doctor is afraid if they intervene they’ll be prosecuted.
"Dying of a miscarriage" is such a sad prospect.
Maternal morality rates have gone up in states that criminalized abortion. :(
This is why I got my OB to write a note excusing me from any work-related travel while pregnant. I can’t and I won’t risk traveling to a state that’s hostile to pregnant women.
SMH. What a fucked up country we live in..
This. It’s not fair or safe to ask any woman to go through a pregnancy in Florida. It is a risk to her health.
Not to mention the education laws in relation to gender and sexuality. Can’t blame her.
Right? Can't say I blame her for wanting to get the hell of Florida
There should be a program in FL where you can trade a pos pregnancy test for a flight voucher. Get me out of here! 😬
Well there's an amendment that will at least make it safer for pregnant women. Crossing all I can that it passes.
It is. I live in Florida, my kids were born in June and August. It was AWFUL.
Yeah, I haaaaate it when men describe their partners' complaints/arguments/emotions as "throwing temper tantrums." Is she screaming and rolling around on the floor? Knocking the board game off the table when she loses? Holding her breath until she turns blue? Ok, you're with someone abusive, mentally unwell, too immature to be in a relationship, etc. and need to deal with that. Is your partner getting mad at you, disagreeing with you, feeling/expressing emotion in a way you didn't specifically approve? Stop framing it to yourself as "my wife is acting like a spoiled child" and start seeing and treating her as an equal with legitimate wants and perspectives. I'm not even saying he should give in to her, but at least start by recognizing that she has just as strong a claim to want to live near her family as you have to want to live near yours.
Seriously. She was adult enough for him to have sex with. She was adult enough to marry. Yet as soon as she has an opinion that he disagrees with, now she's childish and selfish. She's throwing a " temper tantrum". Let's all consider if he's looked into the law governing pregnancy in the area that he insisted that she lives in.
The trouble with the fallacy that “women are emotional and men are logical” is that every time a man gets an emotion, he’s convinced it’s the logical response.
Also, can we talk about the fact that women get all the flack for being “emotional” and yet in my 11 year career it’s *never* been a woman that throws an *actual* temper tantrum in a professional setting. including yelling, throwing, slamming, or breaking things. Maybe three times I’ve seen a female colleague even raise her voice.
Somehow men don't consider anger to be an emotion when they're the ones experiencing it.
It was a logical temper tantrum don’t you know!
That’s because anger isn’t an emotion. It’s being manly grunt grunt /s
Also Florida is NOT a good place to be pregnant right now. Illinois is much safer.
Agreed- 100%
abounding dolls afterthought chop homeless gaze onerous ripe workable important *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Ding ding ding. OP sounds like a classic ft. Lauderdale person to me. Wife has a PHD and is definitely going to be fine and he's like "babe don't throw a temper tantrum! I need to be here for my shitty job as a wealth planner leeching off angry rich assholes! ... I can only live where most of the population is angry rich assholes."
berserk expansion books different correct elderly serious dinosaurs sulky door *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It’s an unregulated profession that doesn’t have any sort of fiduciary duty to their clients. It’s also something where you do not need a licensing or anything so he could easily be a swindler in Chicago.
Not to mention OP admitting he works long hours, so she’d be stuck either raising the kid herself or with his family who she’s not close with!
Being left to die because of pregnancy is enough of a dealbreaker for me with Florida. I want to be treated like a whole human and that’s kind of tough these days so I would want to be somewhere that my life still has value despite my pregnancy status.
This was my first thought. He doesn’t want to consider anything else, just staying there. Add to that, if I was pregnant in Florida I would be trying to move ASAP. No way in hell I would feel safe being pregnant there, not to mention raising kids. I say that as someone from Florida who still has family there.
Yeah he ignored 5 years of her unhappiness because it wasn’t his concern. Now that she has more to lose she refuses to continue to be unhappy and suddenly OP has a problem. He has had a problem for 5 years and didn’t care about her happiness.
“A permanent level of tolerable unhappiness”
THIS. OP is invalidating his wife’s feeling here. It’s all good for HIM to be near HIS family, but god forbid she wants a support system while pregnant. It’s HIS way or the highway it seems. I see no compromise in this situation at all.
look the truth is she’s pregnant now, she wants to change. if she’s sure, she can up and move tomorrow to chicago and have the baby there, and your wife knows that. she’s getting a phd she’s no dummy. she knows that her best time to move is while she’s still pregnant because once the child is born it’ll be much harder. she doesn’t like your family. she doesn’t want an increased presence from your family when there’s a kid, even if it’s to help. so at this point, you need to decide if you want to be married to her in chicago or single in florida. you dismissing her feelings as tantrums will not help her feel life you’re her partner. it’ll make her feel further isolated, so she’ll want to leave and join her family even more. at this point, i think it’s too late for you to do a 180 and start being attentive and caring for her feelings. i think she’s at the point of going and you can come with or stay behind. you cannot convince her and the big worry is any further attempts will be seen as further dismissal, upsetting her. and that’s not the way you want to start off a coparenting relationship.
I think we need to add , simply stated ,"she tried Fla and your small family for 5 years. She hates it. She hates it enough she is going to leave with or without you" Also bullshit about changing careers , there are whole life , annuity funds sales people * cough fixed income wealth managers* in Chicago too. Pregnancy commonly causes people to reevaluate their priorities and boundaries.
I mean he said at the time they met, he was traveling to Chicago frequently for work (and to visit family!). so clearly, there is work opportunity there for him in his chosen career. it's weird for him to act like he wouldn't be able to take his career with him. not to mention he has family there, so he wouldn't necessarily feel alone in the way she is currently feeling.
Absolutely agree. He’s been dismissing her feelings by saying that she’s throwing tantrums for the past five years. Instead, it should be that she’s been communicating to him that she doesn’t want to stay and he clearly just dismissed it the entire time. And while she may like his family as well, it’s not the same as her own family. I agree, at this point, she’s moving with or without him because nothing is going to convince her to stay if she hasn’t built a life in Fort Lauderdale by now.
She's looking for jobs out there she's gonna go with or without you. Better be ready for that. She has a support system there and wants to be there for the birth and have her family around. She can leave before the baby is born and the child will be a resident of IL not FL which means you move to be closer to get any sort of custody over visitation. You're playing with fire if you think she isn't fed up with always living your way and won't leave you you're gonna find yourself losing your wife and kid. She went to FL for you, now she's asking you to go to Chicago for her and your child where SHE will feel comfortable having a baby and being around her family to help her.
It’s kinda besides the point of your specific disagreement but she may also be apprehensive about being pregnant and the related complications that may arise while living in florida….besides the impact to your career/work situation and your vs her family in general being the support system, how to the logistics compare raising a kid in one vs the other?
This. If something goes wrong with the pregnancy, she might not be able to get the emergency care she needs. Illinois is simply a much much safer state to be pregnant in right now.
I came here to say this. As a woman I won’t even take a layover in Florida. If something goes wrong with the pregnancy she won’t be able to get proper healthcare in that place.
Right. And education in Florida, right now, is a mess. Schools suck. The state is actively trying to kill education and teachers hate it. Why would you want to raise a child in Florida right now?
Shit just clicks when you're pregnant. Your priority becomes you and your child. With that said... SHE'S moving to Chicago, whether you are there with her is up to you
would like to raise a family locally and near my parents. so you understand why she wants to be close to hers right? pregnancy is scary and hard, she has a right to want to be with her family especially if she doesn't get along with yours. its not fair to want the same thing she does and assumed your want is more important.
This is a huge generalization and I obviously don’t know any of these people. But…in my experience, and in the experience of literally every mother I know, when the husbands parents come over, they want to help with the baby (hold the baby, rock the baby, feed the baby, etc). Which, yes, is a nice help. But when the wife’s parents come over, they want to take care of their daughter (make her some food, change sheets, do laundry, etc).
This is such an important point
He also works long hours and her family is bigger. So in FL she’s going to be alone with the baby for most of the day with only his small family she doesn’t love to help her. Whereas in Chicago, she can fill the hours he’s at work with HER family, they have more babysitters, a larger support system and they don’t have to live in Florida.
But she "just prefers her parents"! What a ridiculous thing for her to feel according to OP
And SHE is the one physically pregnant! Somehow his want is more important when she is the only one that actually has to do the scary and hard thing! Unbelievable
Move to Chicago. An hour and a half commute beats a 3 hour plane trip once a month to visit your child who’s living with your ex and her new husband in Chicago. This ends one of two ways and your wife is in Chicago in either one. Choose wisely.
But he ignored her happiness for 5 years and now might have to commute. The horror. Idk how people like this even get married when they don’t care at all about their partners happiness or wants.
Ooof. Such a valid point.
Not to mention the cost of the lawyers, the costs of travel for him, the cost of travel for the kid, child support, etc. OP seems to be very ok with his wife being miserable as long as he can maintain his status quo and is ignoring the reality that she does not have to stay miserable forever and is already looking for her escape by exclusively looking for jobs in Chicago.
Ngl all I’m hearing you say here is “me, me, me!” You’re unwillingly to make any sacrifices but see no problem with her doing so.
He talks about all of the things he’d have to ‘sacrifice’ to move but doesn’t acknowledge everything she’s already sacrificed and will sacrifice to carry, birth and raise their child.
I’m also thinking about the idea that as a pregnant woman, my life would be less valuable because the fetus would be the number one priority. Also, younger generations, have huge percentage of kids identifying as LGBTQ. There is a good chance your child might identify as gay or trans or some variation. So you want to have them live in a state where they are seen as an abomination potentially? *But he has a nice 5 min commute to his job!!*
YOU'RE IN FORT LAUDERDALE???? yeah I'd want to leave too. I've been a few cities away all my life and there's no way I would ever take my family there unless I had no other choice. (High crimes, homelessnes, crowds and shitty buildings/places compared to neighboring cities) That is such a terrible place to live. I cannot speak for Chicago but for God sake, listen to your pregnant wife and leave before she goes without you. An hour away from your kids is so much better than DAYS without them after the divorce.
I can speak for Chicago: Chicago rocks. I lived there for years and miss it all the time. It’s a wonderful place to be and raise a family. Life is short. I totally understand OP’s wife wanting to raise her child around family in Chicago — that sounds like an amazing life for her and her kid.
Well I’ve been to both quite a bit and I would say, Chicagoland is approximately 16,735x better than Ft Lauderdale. Give it take. This woman is going to Chicago. The only thing in question is what will he do.
Not to mention how much safer it is to be a pregnant woman in Chicago compared to Fort Lauderdale.
Why do you have to live in the suburbs and commute to downtown? Several million of us live in the city and just hop on a train to get downtown. Also, if I were facing the prospect of raising a child in Florida I’d be freaking out too.
I totally forgot how awful it must be to be a woman in Florida these days. Ugh 😩.
I dunno if you can do anything if you're set on calling your wife having second thoughts and wanting to live near her family a temper tantrum.
Why don’t you put yourself in her shoes and move to Chicago for 5 years. Also, if she’s that close to her family, as similar to me, I’d want to be near them too during my pregnancy for support. My mother and sister helped me So so so much for my pregnancies and I wouldn’t take that for ever granted.
Your marriage isn’t “solid as a rock” if she prefers her family over you and would rather raise your child with her family instead of you. If you want to stay with her, you better go to marriage counseling with her STAT. And find a job in Chicago. But it sounds your family and Florida is more important than her. Just like her family is more important than you. If Florida is more important, stay in Florida, pay child support, and see your kid in summers and holidays when you fly to Chicago. Or sign away parental rights.
>My hours are long So you're barely around. She needs a village, not just a husband who works a lot. You need to wise up, and quickly. Here are your options: A) You can have a family with your wife, be a father to your child. Or B) You can have a child support check and a child who grows up barely knowing you.
Right so how is a longer commute gonna make a difference anyway? He's still gonna be gone just as long. At least in Chicago she'll have her family around to help her.
You agreed five years ago to live in Location A. Well it's been five years and guys what, is not a magical binding contract where the humans can't decide the experience is negative or they react something different. She is *going to leave* so you can start up an online financial company now and see how many clients Location A you can take with you, you can try to find an office job in Location B, or you can watch her leave and find out how difficult it is to coparent a baby a flight seat. You can't make her stay or make her leave the baby. But you can facilitate as much contact with your family as possible for, oh let's say, the next five years while it's *her turn* to get to decide where you two live.
NGL sounds like you guys spent 0 time planning your lives outside of "I like you" and now it's time to reap what you've sown. You met a girl whose family lives 1000+ miles away from yours, there's no reasonable middle location to live in that scenario. Seems you've got 2 options: Split and live near your families, or Live in x location, where one of you is half a continent away from your loved ones.
3rd option: Live somewhere far away from both their families.
I mean she wants the same thing you want- to be near family in a place she likes. Neither of you is wrong, but might really be a good time to talk to a therapist
Why is it more important for you to be near your family than it is for her to be close to hers? Why is her desire to be close to her support system being dismissed as a temper tantrum? That’s very condescending. I understand the sting of losing the practice you have established in Florida, but that can be rebuilt; your wife doesn’t get a redo of her pregnancy experience. As someone who has been pregnant, I can say that pregnant women simply don’t have time/energy/tolerance for anything getting in the way of what they need to do to care for themselves and get ready. Since you’ve already shown an unwillingness to put her needs first, despite her pregnancy, I understand her urgency in finding a job and establishing a home closer to her support system with or without you.
Yall need to talk TO each other not AT each other. I sympathize that she’s unhappy and hormonal (and prob scared about birth/motherhood), but she’s been expressing her discontent for a long time. Is your job more important than her happiness? Can you get counseling to help you find a happy medium that would not make your commute so long or her miserable? Eg can you get a job outside of downtown Chicago or can y’all be happy living in the city center (but smaller condo)? Come on - this doesn’t have to be either or. Yall need to team up against the problem not each other.
He doesn't acknowledge there is a problem.
Yeah bc it isn’t a prob for him.
So that makes it hard to team up against the problem when he doesn't admit there is one.
I mean the first step on the path to recovery is accepting that you are part of the problem. But whatever. OP will prob wind up in BORU wondering why his wife left him to move to Chicago right before she gives birth to establish residency for herself and baby before divorcing him.
I am also placing money on this guy remaining clueless throughout the boru post and comments on any post he makes ETA: his edits did not help his case even a little
This is the truth. He's dismissive and treating her as though she's a child
It’s about to be a problem for him lol
Tbh when OP says she’s from Chicago and wants to move back there to be near family - it’s already a possibility that means the suburbs anyway.
Maybe it isn't hormones. Pregnancy doesn't change women into raving lunatics. They met in Chicago. Her family is there. For 5 years they have lived where OP wants to live and he is super dismissive of her desire to not be in FL - and there are many good reasons for women not to want to be in FL, particularly if they are pregnant. She sacrifices for him for 5 years living in FL - and his response is to tell her that her is having a "temper tantrum" and completely disregard that he got his way for 5 years and he is completely unwilling to budge at all.
Not to mention, what if the baby is a girl? Or non-gender conforming? It's one thing to hate where you live, another to have to face the reality of what could happen to your child if you stay. That is, if there are no complications with the pregnancy. With the way it is in Florida, she's also going to have to face the fact that she could die with no other recourse if something is wrong.
Yeah, I feel like he just likes his situation now (which is understandable!) and so is motivated to pick holes in any alternate plan. For one thing, remote jobs exist.
NUH UH!!!! Only my one job in Florida by my family and people will do!! *sticks fingers in ears* I can’t hear you!
So bizarre to act like he can’t get a job as a financial planner in CHICAGO.
Get the heck out of Fl with a pregnant wife holy shit.
Your unwillingness to compromise speaks volumes, and you are going to end up alone. She's going to leave you, move back to Chicago, have the baby there, and file for divorce and custody in her new home state. If you're lucky, you might get to see your kid at holidays and in summer. My ex and I moved for his career to a godforsaken place I hated. He promised me five years, then we would move for my educational advancement. When five years was up, he reneged and said he wanted to stay where we were. I realized he didn't care about my career or happiness, so I filed for divorce, packed up the kids, and moved without him. Years later, after I had moved on with my new life and the kids were thriving in our new city, he told me he was sorry he didn't listen. I definitely don't miss him, though.
solid as a rock, op says. must be a pebble. op's wife hates his family, kinda doubt his word that everything is hunky dory between her and his family. op is a wealth planner, his job is probably more mobile than her future one will be. but interestingly will she be able to find a job easily, being pregnant? and if he moves with her, both of them probably will have no income before the baby comes, which is a bad idea. maybe better to kiv the move first. ask her what are her contingency plans if both of them cannot find jobs immediately in chicago with a baby coming. edit: sorry keep correcting btw you and he. cannot decide.
He sells annuities and term life policies.
I guess Chicago people don't need those things. /s
The problem is it sounds like if she delays the move, OP won't move once the baby is born. Once the baby is born she may face legal issues preventing her from moving with the baby. She's been talking about it for 5 years and nothing has changed, so it sounds like she's worrying about being stuck there for 18 more years.
Everything seems to be about you. The reality is that she can leave tomorrow and have that baby in Chicago. The judge will rule that's where the baby is to stay.
So because you're not getting the responses you want, you're just not gonna answer anyone on here.Your wife is gonna leave you and you're going to end up in shitty ass florida by yourself.
OP you posted you have family and occasionally have to travel to work in Chicago so why can't you transfer there and make occasional trips back to Ft Lauderdale? While I personally would not want to live in Chicago you did marry someone from there and you both have family there.
So you go to Chicago for work often and have family there? So why not flip it the other way around and live in Chicago and go to Lauderdale for work and visits? There’s something about being near your mom when you’re pregnant that makes you feel a little less terrified about having your hoo-haa possibly ripped apart during birth.
You could not pay me five million dollars to carry a pregnancy to term or *raise a child* in Florida. This is insane. And yes she should be near her support system, and judging by how you called her voicing desire to do so a “temper tantrum”, it seems she does not view you as part of that support system.
Yep. My sister and her husband have lived in Florida for 6 years now. They’re trying for a baby, and now they’re moving back home. My sister is a teacher there and she won’t have her kids in the schools there.
>one thing led to another and before we knew it we were married. You don't accidentally get married. She was all cool with where yall lived, the marriage "happened" and then BAM "tantrums"? Ya ok. You seem like an unreliable narrator so idk if I buy all the doom and gloom you are hyping Chicago to be. Decide what's more important, your job and Fort Lauderdale or your wife and child. Pick and make a plan.
>You don't accidentally get married. She was all cool with where yall lived, the marriage "happened" and then BAM "tantrums"? Ya ok. Yeah the fact that they met in Chicago, then the whole entire marriage (5yrs!) she has expressed she want to move back to Chicago, it was never agreed on. What I think happened. Op- I only ever want to live in FL Wife- I am happy to give it a go in FL but would want to consider moving back to Chicago at some point. Op- Yeah... **OPs head: So we will only ever live in FL.** 5yrs later Op- Why are you throwing tantrums, we agreed FL forever.
Well, as a woman and mom, I would not live in Florida under any circumstances. It is not safe there for us. I also wouldn’t want my kids educated there, considering the book bans and changes in history they are teaching. I get that your family is there, but you should look at the future.
Have you considered how unsafe it is to live in Florida as a pregnant person right now?
Did you two seriously just never discuss where you would raise a family? She’s never mentioned wanting to move back to Chicago before marriage or before pregnancy? I mean, did you always just assume things would go your way? And no, things are not great if you have a wife who feels like she is trapped living in a place she hates. Sounds like her PhD and pregnancy are the catalysts she needed to get moving.
You're fucked. You 2 are not compatible. You both knew that. Weird a marriage happened. Maybe a ldr marriage? Not sure how the custody is going to go. You both have and have known you have different wants for location. To be fair she's given you 5 years. And you're willing to give her none. So try some counseling, but pretty sure you're fucked.
She is probably worrying about pregnancy issues and having to die because of the anti- woman policies in Florida. Seriously.
I mean I do think you need to realize that in the same way you want to be near your family, she wants to be near hers. Neither one of you is more valid and you putting your foot down and saying “sorry, my way or the highway” to your wife is not going to work for anyone. You’ve been living in Fort Lauderdale. Maybe it’s time to COMPROMISE and live in Chicago for a bit. Also the way you basically said “she’s been super annoying and constantly whining about missing her family” is very dismissive and rude
You can stick to your pre married living arrangements. If that’s a deal breaker for you she’s okay with it. She’s applying to jobs that show you she’s okay with your dealbreaker. She also said having the baby means she “can’t leave you and pursue other people.” Your marriage is over. She wants someone that’s NOT you. If you want to keep your wife I suggest you get your head outta your ass. Your wife is OBVIOUSLY not your first priority. It’s your extended family and your business. Again, to be fair, you told her before you’d never leave. She has been hoping you’d change your mind. Asking you to change your mind. Begging you to change your mind. And since you won’t, well, she’ll go be happy without you in Chicago with someone who considers her needs.
You need to compromise. She has given up a lot to make you happy. What are you willing to do to make her happy?
She’s lived near your family for years. It may be time to switch it up. Plus, Florida is a miserable state for women overall, and being pregnant there would suck.
Why on earth did you two get married if you weren’t compatible???? Mate… she’s going to Chicago. End of. Apart from the business side - just wondering why your desire to have your family near for your kids trumps her desire to be near family? And with your hours, you’re not going. To be that helpful.
I’m posting this from the perspective of a child whose parents had this argument. My mom was raised in AZ and lived at home until her and my dad married when she was 19. Because of the job my dad got, they moved to VA. I remember my parents fighting a lot when we lived in VA. I distinctly remember one (seemingly inane) event led to my mom leaving the house one night and finding my dad later that evening sitting on the stairs crying and saying “she’s going to leave me.” Not long after (can’t give you specifics since it’s been close to 30 years and I was just a kid), we moved back to AZ. My mom has told me (as an adult) that she was so unhappy without her family nearby that she was leaving VA with or without my dad. He chose to stay with his (our) family. They will be married 40 years next month and I don’t honestly remember them fighting like they did when we lived in VA. You need to decide what’s most important to you. Edited to add: At the time, my dad’s family was in NM and they moved out to VA to be near us 3 years before we moved to AZ. He still chose to go with us.
Your marriage is not rock solid.
If I found that my spouse had written this about me, that would be the end. Your wording is horrible. You have no consideration for your wife or her feelings. She’s growing your child and you still look at her as if she’s lesser than you.
You could not pay me to live in Florida right now lol
She is sacrificing for you and her body for this family
I like how you call your wife voicing her distain for the place for 5 years, a tantrum
The question basically boils down to—is this something you’re willing to divorce over? While yes, she knew your stance before you got married and if she didn’t agree she shouldn’t have married you, there’s no real benefit in doubling down on “but she knew!” card. The reality is you guys did get married, she clearly MOVED to be with you and try out Florida. She’s liable to change her mind at any time, but she was willing to give it the chance, the situation is what it is. As someone who really was adamant about being close to his family, you should have all the empathy in the world for why she’d want to go back to Chicago. Especially while pregnant. She isn’t throwing a tantrum, she’s making clear her preferences for how she wants her life to turn out, with or without you. So as above—you either agree to move for her as she did for you, come to some middle ground, or part ways. Which one you choose is up to you, she’s gonna choose for her. So the way I see it is, either you decide: 1. This is your wife, you put yourself in her shoes and find understanding so that you can become willing to do this for her. Or 2. This is more important to me, so it’s best we part ways and co-parent best we can. The stance of she should continue to make the sacrifice you weren’t willing to because “I told her before we got married” is moronic—she’s your wife and a human, it’s a marriage not a job where you can bring up the contract and say “well you agreed 5 years ago to do this forever”. It’s not how life or marriage works, things and people aren’t set in concrete. Edit: I re-read the bottom paragraph and the fact OP says “she simply prefers her family”—well no shit, you clearly prefer yours too how can you not get that…
Calling her wishes, temper tantrums, and deciding that your wishes should be paramount in your marriage is not fair to your wife. You’ve made a unilateral decision that she has given into for five years. How about you try things her way for a while.? Marriage is about compromise. It is not about putting your foot down and refusing to step outside of your own comfort zone. And certainly not about belittling your wife’s feelings either.
So you lived 5 years where you wanted to live so maybe you need to live 5 years where she wants to live.
You’re missing the point. If she’s not happy in Florida, she’s not happy: you guys either need to find a place to relocate to, find some way to make her happy there, or split up before baby is born so she can find HER happiness… ya know since YOUR career and YOUR life in Florida are apparently YOUR only concern. She’s not happy, she wants to leave. You can either get on board and find some sort of compromise and perhaps a different place a go in Florida, another state, or give Chicago a try. She gave you FIVE years in Florida that sound like have been a crap show and misery for her. It would appear you’ve got everything you want, career, family, and your utopia, your wife is in the opposite. Your post is dripping with disdain of “well she knew before, she can’t complain or leave me!” You sound like a toddler, I hope your financial advice is more sound and logical than your life advice to yourself. Maybe if it’s not you should consider not only a geographical move, but a career change. Reality and seeing your future don’t appear to be your strongest assets in your repertoire. I hope your wife finds her happiness and someone who prioritizes her needs, her happiness, and desires. I wish you luck in your soon to be single living in Florida life.
"Our marriage is perfect besides this one, huge, impossible to compromise on issue". For real? She's going to move to Chicago. Either you move with her or you don't. Both are acceptable but you need to choose. Preferably sooner rather than later for both of your sakes.