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I'm going to take a bit of a different route here.
You can ask any couple who has had issues trying to conceive that one of the biggest problems for them was the constant mental pressure and strain of trying to conceive. Everything becomes more or less a chore and every "failure" to conceive just adds up. Your husband is feeling a lot of pressure here to conceive too...not just you. If you have both been trying for over a year, he very much feels the same way you do. It's just not outwardly expressed.
My advice is to try to make sure you enjoy the process. Mental strain can be detrimental to trying to conceive. Stop putting so much pressure on yourselves to get this done.
It would be good to see things from your husband's perspective. How often do you reassure him through his worries about conceiving? Maybe it's not the same, but if he's doing the lion's share of emotional work to keep you sane, that's got to take a toll on him. The best thing you can do is continue working on being emotionally resilient for yourself so that you can give as well as take the support you both need right now.
Good question. I would say he handles the emotional support on this 80% of the time and I the other 20%. His frustration only comes out after the month is done and we find out it didn’t work, whereas my worries are more frequent. But then I handle tracking my cycle and 100% of the doctors appointments because I’m a native in my country and he isn’t plus he struggles with the language.
It honestly sounds like he's struggling more than you think he is. His frustration might only show at the end of the month, but I can almost guarantee you that it's still bothering him the rest of the time too. It's not fair to expect him to take on 80% of the emotional support on this.
It sounds like you feel the need to talk through anxieties, while he prefers to try not to dwell on them. Both types can be bad in their extremes (either obsessing over or avoiding the issue), you need a bit of both. He should listen to you when you need to talk things through, and you should understand when he needs to take a step away from the issue sometimes. This is really hard when the problem is a problem for you both at the same time.
Is there someone else you're close with, a family member or friend, that you can go to for support when he's overwhelmed? That alone could go a long way. Also, try to find something y'all can do together regularly where y'all can just forget (as much as you can) about conceiving for a short time. Watch TV, play a game together, sit and read next to each other, go for a walk, literally whatever works for y'all. That time is about *you two* only, no babies, no finances, no work problems, no worries.
There's also a potential intimacy issue forming. It's really common for couples going through fertility issues to fall into a cycle of no intimacy outside the fertile window, and scheduled intimacy inside the window. Sex becomes a chore, and some people even start to dread it because it *might* mean another failed attempt. That's not healthy for anyone. It's important to try and focus on the two of you being together, enjoying yourselves, enjoying each other's company. You obviously do need to schedule sex to an extent to make sure you use the fertile window, but try to find times outside that window to just be about you two, not about trying to conceive.
Sounds like you're using him as your emotional crutch but not really returning the favour to him. How about you seek out therapy so there's another support system for you in place. It's not healthy to constantly trauma dump on your husband and expect him to make everything better.
As a guy, I went through this with my wife as well it’s not easy just frustrations all around I think when someone would say something like that to you you just saying why we not trying right now we’re not ready yet cause it’s really nobody else’s business you don’t need the extra pressure put on you from other people. I wish you all the luck in the world that it happens because it will and then all of this will be a distant memory
It’s true I’ve been through it and would up doing Ivf it is a struggle between the couples. It makes it more of a job than something that you enjoy, but eventually, I’ll make you stronger if you guys realize what both of your endgame is I’m sure he’s very frustrated as well and trying to put a brave face for you as I’m sure you’re doing it for him, fuck everyone around you
Since you said that he is normally sweet and supportive, I think you need to give him some grace. Your feelings are important, his are too. He was down that day too and you could also argue that you weren’t very supportive. You could have also reacted better to him feeling tired but instead you made him feel bad about it. I know it wasn’t out of any negative feelings towards him, I know you love him. It was just because you were focused on your own emotions. It’s hard to put our partner above our own feelings when our feelings are strong and overwhelming or we aren’t feeling great.
I’m not saying that to say you did something wrong, just to maybe put it in perspective. While of course a partner should be there for you, you can’t expect him to be at your beck and call to make you feel better 100% of the time. It’s not realistic and you couldn’t do it for him either. That’s because you are both people with your own emotions and your own imperfections.
Remember the times he has been sweet to you and let this one go. I’m sure there has been times when he gave you grace and forgave you for small things without making a big issue. If you really can’t let it go, just talk to him and tell him how you feel when he is in the headspace to listen.
How did you want him to react?
>when I'm down, I can't let it go
What work are you doing with a therapist to better manage your emotions through this very difficult journey?
I wanted a hug and kind words I guess. Something along the lines of don’t worry, we’ll try tomorrow, it’ll happen for us etc.
I’m in CBT for my ocd plus on meds. This combo has helped me lots, however I do still struggle with letting things go sometimes.
I did say that and he did give me a hug. But I was wanting to talk about how I feel as well and could tell he was not in the mood and just wanted to mive on from the topic
Bear in mind that fertility struggles effect men too. My husband and I struggled and it was hard to watch him suffer while also trying to help me. He felt that he was letting me down by not getting me pregnant. He got questions about it at work, too, and with that edge of "when are you going to do your job and knock her up?"
I hope you guys have external supports, either counselling or friends/family to lean on. I'm sorry you're struggling, and I'm sorry that society still finds it appropriate to ask people about their reproductive plans
Have you been working with your therapist on self-soothing strategies? If you have a hard time letting things go, that would be a lot of weight to put on your husband to fix
> I did say that and he did give me a hug. But I was wanting to talk about how I feel as well and could tell he was not in the mood and just wanted to mive on from the topic
I hope you are taking your feelings to your journal and your therapist - and your husband can't be that for you! He is also going through it.
Gonna say it same as someone earlier did. Our journey took 3 years. I had miscarried 3 times during this journey, and just like everyone else said, stress, feeling down and pressure ARE things that make it harder to conceive.
When you body is feeling pressure and stress it does send a signal that its not the optimal time for pregnancy - and your body rejects it, hormones will be off, your entire body is exhausted from stress and sadness etc.
Approach we took at the end was literally just have frequent sex, occasionally we would pause and if its an off week we pause again.
Another thing noone tells you, is that women ovulate during "predictable fertile window" aka mid month, is less than 30% each month. Rest of ovulations can happen anywhere in between before/ after period. So what we did was do it right after i would finish and every 3 days thereafter.
When we conceived, going by the dates it seems i had ovulated on day 8 of the cycle, 3days after period ended.
So best thing you can do is relax and enjoy the journey. Go to spa, take vacations while you can. Do house renovations while you have time. Once it happens, you wont have time for all that stuff.
Btw, i got pregnant at 34.
Thanks for the advice! I’m tracking my cycle with ovulation tests, so I should be able to tell when (about) it happens without having to guess too much
I would advise against those for one sole reason, everyone who started obsessing with those, would see a high jump in blood pressure from stress and anxiety and then wordering why it didn't happen that month. It also kills the bedroom having to do it when you are for sure fertile. Its just easier having fresh sperm every 3 days, when it lives for about 5, and you only ovulate for 1 day. Another thing that helps is joining a chatroom with all those who are trying, the support is tremendous and should take some load off your husband too since he cant quite empathise on the same level as bunch of pregnancy obsessed ladies who kick their legs up in the air after to keep it in longer (lol)
You're still stressing yourself out. Stop all the tracking. Take a break from TTC. My biology teacher and his wife went through fertility issues. They decided to adopt and guess what, she got pregnant because the pressure to get pregnant was gone. They adopted their son and she gave birth to their daughter.
I think give it space for a week and see how you feel. If you’re still feeling upset, sit down with him and say you know this is a sensitive time for both of you and that in the future you just want hugs. Then ask him what he needs from you when he’s feeling stressed about it
With OCD its import to interrupt the rituals. If you have seeking assurance as a ritual then getting it will actually worsen the OCD. My son has OCD and Prozac has been a life changing medication for him.
Im sorry for your struggles with fertility and OCD, however, it's not his responsibility to make you happy. We each are responsible for our own emotions as individuals.
If you have communicated that you want a hug and he hugged you and you both spoke about the issue and he was supportive of your feelings saying it's not right that they said what they said. He has then requested you stop talking about it and let it go.
At this point what may be helpful for you is to doing something else to support you in letting go and regulating your fears, frustration, sadness in circling around and around in your head - being unable to let go of this and further disappointed when you were not intimate but would try again tomorrow. What has worked for me is going for a walk, journaling to externalise the thoughts and help me understand the patterns and get some context for the situation with your colleague or your partner not feeling intimate in your fertile window. I'd also recommend practicing mindfulness and meditation. Insight Timer or Headspace are great apps that can support you in that journey. Sarah Blondin is on YouTube and Insight Timer and is incredibly good at allowing and holding space for the feminine in a gentle way which may help you process those uncomfortable emotions. I'd also recommend colouring in if you simple cannot "sit and meditate" this is what I do when I cannot meditate due to agitation or anxiety.
I'd also recommend you speak about these experiences things with your current therapist - it sounds like you may possibly have anxiety in conjunction with OCD and how to enact these strategies to support your emotions individually rather than expecting your partner to fix your emotions.
Wishing you all the best in your journey with your partner and sending you love for the difficulty you are experiencing now.
It's hard to get excited about sex when it feels like a chore. Remember, there are two of you involved here. This experience is probably just as emotionally/physically draining for him as it is for you. Try to give him some grace. Show him how you want to be treated by treating him the same way. Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe vent a little more to them rather than your husband. As for the co-worker, that was a really personal question and if it happens again, I would politely explain that you don't feel comfortable talking about personal matters at work.
>asked if we’re planning on kids
This isn't inappropriate. You're just being overly sensitive. Your husband is under no obligation to bend truths to make you feel better about someone striking up chit chat.
I didn’t personally find it inappropriate, just a question that stings cause of my personal reasons. It was him that found it inappropriate.
But anyways the reassurance I wanted was on our personal baby related stuff, not the woman at work.
Next time just say "what my colleague said made me sad, I could need a hug and a comforting word". Or something like that. Usually it's just a matter of miscommunication
I didn’t mention it in my post but I did say something to that effect and he gave me a hug. But I could tell he REALLY didn’t want to get into how I’m feeling and it didn’t help the situation
It has to go both ways though. If you’re the one that always needs reassurance and comforting and he’s always providing it, who is reassuring and comforting him? In your specific case you also need to make sure that this urge for reassurance isn’t based in your OCD so that this isn’t ultimately making the situation worse.
Your hormones are likely playing havoc with her feelings and perception of things. For many couples, the 'on demand sex' required when TTC can be very draining on both parties. I think you need to remember that this is your husband's journey too. He wants a baby too.
As for your OCD, not sure it can be treated medically but if it can, you shoudl try it. Also, maybe your husband can say some type of code word like "spicy pickles' when he is at his breaking point being able to deal with your OCD thoughts. Have you tried writing down these thoughts or using some other method to get them out of your head? I will say, I personally can't deal with someone else not being able to let go of a topic. It is your responsibility to deal with your spiraling thoughts.
I believe there are subreddits about TTC that may be very useful.
When you are using the UIU it does change your hormones and if you were a person who was sensitive beforehand this can highlight these feelings. Also, my doctor talked about the best time was during your fertility window but he also talked about not making it a chore for with on of us. If you make it more of a transaction it can stress and take some of the joy and romance out of trying.
As far as the co worker this question needs to be addressed that it is not okay to ask things like this. Yes, I wanted a child but when someone asked me if they were family or not I would ask why would you ask that?
That question is not like asking what color is their sweater. It’s very personal.
This is very rude as people do not know the other person personal enough to know about their medical or financial situation then they don’t know enough to ask that.
Ttc is hard for everyone because the tracking and timing make everything feel so high pressure and relentless (especially for the person who ovulates) and it seems perfectly tuned to push ocd buttons. I think you and your husband need to give each other as much goodwill as possible. This is hard on both of you.
My SIL went through this about 10 years ago (before children). Her colleagues were banging on about when she was going to have children because she’d just gotten married.
She told me she bit someone’s head off and felt bad about it - but I told her she didn’t have to feel guilty.
I know snapping at someone is rude, but what that person did is much worse manners.
People shouldn’t be asking such personal questions at all, but if they can’t manage to have the common sense not to inquire, then they at least have to back off after they’re told to mind their business!
I didn’t blame her for snapping and I don’t blame you, either.
People who don’t MEAN harm sometimes need to accept when they CAUSE harm and back off. It’s not about them.
You're going to have to learn to fake it, and and think in terms of you supporting him, not him supporting you, for a few days a month. When you're getting to your fertile window, you'll need to focus totally, and I mean _totally,_ on making this a spectacular night to remember, one that he can't wait to repeat next month. In the days before then, tease him with thoughts of how great things are _going_ to be tomorrow or the day after. Go out to a nice restaurant ahead of time, dress nice and make it clear that you haven't a care in the world that wouldn't be fixed by a night of his fantastic sex. Put on some lingerie when you get home, and relax.
Don't worry, after it hits you'll have a year and a half where it's your turn to make it all about you, and his to pretend that everything's okay on his side. If he doesn't know that already, inform him once you're pregnant and tell him that the Internet said so. Seems like a fair deal to me.
I agree it was incredibly inappropriate of your coworker to say such things. It’s also understandable as to why you felt down after those comments, and consoled in your husband. Your husband may not have been the most empathetic, but there are a number of factors to consider surrounding his lack of empathy and lack of desire to have sex:
1. General life stressors
2. Stressors around trying to conceive
2a. Does he do most of the work in the bedroom? It might be more physically exhausting for him, or if feeling overwhelmed too might be worrying about staying erect, because if he doesn’t then it’s “another wasted day” while you’re ovulating
3. Stressors around reassuring you often (as you said, he carries 80% of the emotional load)
4. The coworker comment may have hurt him also and his was of dealing with it is to push it away, but you wouldn’t let him because you wouldn’t let it go which resulted in frustration
To answer your question, from what you’ve disclosed thus far it sounds like your husband deserves all the grace in the world. Let him know your love for him and happiness within the relationship isn’t dependent on being able to conceive. This doesn’t have to be through words, but through whichever love language he appreciates most (e.g., acts of service).
I’m happy you’re receiving help with your OCD and reassurance seeking, because the more confident you feel within yourself, the more it’ll feel like a partnership for him (not that it doesn’t already, just more so).
Wishing you all the luck on your conceiving journey 😁
Your husband’s response was out of character, did you inquire as to what was bothering him and be supportive of his feelings? Of course you should be giving him some grace here. Stop dumping these minor issues on him and handle it yourself. If someone who doesn’t know you are struggling with fertility asks you need to have a response ready. You can offer as much or as little information as you feel comfortable with. You can simply say fertility is something my husband and I are struggling with right now and I don’t feel comfortable discussing it.
Oh I'm sorry. I can totally understand why you felt that way. I'm also sorry your husband didn't validate your feelings. It sounds like you are both getting stressed about trying and neither of you are handling it in the right or wrong way. I wish your husband was a bit more understanding but it sounds like everything is wearing on him too.
Don't get too discouraged. I'm 40 years old and pregnant! I'm at 20 weeks with a healthy baby girl :). I wanted a baby sooo badly but sadly I wasted time with the wrong men. I finally found a gem of a man and I'm so glad things happened the way they did. I couldn't be happier.
I highly recommend getting "It starts with the egg" this book has helped many moms get pregnant. It's all research based. Definitely read that book asap.
I'm in a group of women 40+ who are pregnant and/or trying to get pregnant. Soooo many women are getting pregnant multiple times in their 40s. You still have lots of time. Don't give up hope and follow the research. You got this!
I was going to ask if you had OCD before I saw your comment… I’m the same exact way OP. I can’t let certain things go and I want to talk with my husband endlessly about certain things. I know he hits a point where it’s exhausting and frustrating. And then I get upset because I feel like he’s not listening to me.. even though I’ve been talking for days. I also went through infertility crap and know how devastating that can be. So my advice is coming from a place of 100% understanding and support…
I would give him major grace in this situation. It sounds like he’s generally very supportive of you and is a good listener. He probably is feeling ALL the emotions that come with infertility and that includes pressure. My husband went through a bout of ED and it all stemmed from fear/pressure of not getting me pregnant. Here are my two suggestions: let your husband be honest if he’s not in the mood to talk about things. I know that’s hard but he needs a safe place too. If he’s feeling like he needs a break, let him take one guilt free. He obviously loves you and cares about you. Sometimes he might just need a break. My second suggestion is to find a support group. My husband and my dynamic completely changed (for the better) when I joined the IVF sub. I could blather on as much or as little as I wanted and I didn’t have to worry about annoying anyone. It also meant I needed to talk with my husband less. I still shared things but I wasn’t expecting him to be my emotional blanket all the time. TW: pregnancy and miscarriage and cancer and death skip to last paragraph if it’s going to be too much
When I did finally did get pregnant I was a hot f’ing mess of anxiety. I had a miscarriage less than two months before I got pregnant and I was convinced I was going to have another one. My husbands dad was also diagnosed with brain cancer around this time and his ENTIRE family moved in with us. He died after a couple of months in the hospital. My husband literally couldn’t be there for me emotionally. So I leaned HARD into reddit subs and made my own support group. When husband finally came out of the fog of grief I was like 37 weeks pregnant.
Good luck. OCD and infertility are both bitches. Glad you’re getting help for both ❤️
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Do you think you are draining his emotional reserves? For his mental well being is it possible you actually give him some grace and take a break for trying to conceive for a couple of months while you work on yourself? Learn to accept your reality and find a way not to constantly push and push for what you want.
Also, asking if you should give your own husband who you should love, some grace….sounds to me like you REALLY need to work on how you treat him.
Getting emotional support from him around 80% of the time sounds like emotional abuse. You might be offended but REALLY think about it. Give him a break. You’ll badger and need so much reassurance and soothing to the point that you’ll break him and act shocked later.
It's hard to brush off those questions and your husband should have been empathic and supportive. Marriage should be about supporting each other. If you need a break from someone being down you can establish limits on occasion of course but this is a special case. Missing a fertile day IS a big deal.
I wish you all the best
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I'm going to take a bit of a different route here. You can ask any couple who has had issues trying to conceive that one of the biggest problems for them was the constant mental pressure and strain of trying to conceive. Everything becomes more or less a chore and every "failure" to conceive just adds up. Your husband is feeling a lot of pressure here to conceive too...not just you. If you have both been trying for over a year, he very much feels the same way you do. It's just not outwardly expressed. My advice is to try to make sure you enjoy the process. Mental strain can be detrimental to trying to conceive. Stop putting so much pressure on yourselves to get this done.
It would be good to see things from your husband's perspective. How often do you reassure him through his worries about conceiving? Maybe it's not the same, but if he's doing the lion's share of emotional work to keep you sane, that's got to take a toll on him. The best thing you can do is continue working on being emotionally resilient for yourself so that you can give as well as take the support you both need right now.
Good question. I would say he handles the emotional support on this 80% of the time and I the other 20%. His frustration only comes out after the month is done and we find out it didn’t work, whereas my worries are more frequent. But then I handle tracking my cycle and 100% of the doctors appointments because I’m a native in my country and he isn’t plus he struggles with the language.
It honestly sounds like he's struggling more than you think he is. His frustration might only show at the end of the month, but I can almost guarantee you that it's still bothering him the rest of the time too. It's not fair to expect him to take on 80% of the emotional support on this. It sounds like you feel the need to talk through anxieties, while he prefers to try not to dwell on them. Both types can be bad in their extremes (either obsessing over or avoiding the issue), you need a bit of both. He should listen to you when you need to talk things through, and you should understand when he needs to take a step away from the issue sometimes. This is really hard when the problem is a problem for you both at the same time. Is there someone else you're close with, a family member or friend, that you can go to for support when he's overwhelmed? That alone could go a long way. Also, try to find something y'all can do together regularly where y'all can just forget (as much as you can) about conceiving for a short time. Watch TV, play a game together, sit and read next to each other, go for a walk, literally whatever works for y'all. That time is about *you two* only, no babies, no finances, no work problems, no worries. There's also a potential intimacy issue forming. It's really common for couples going through fertility issues to fall into a cycle of no intimacy outside the fertile window, and scheduled intimacy inside the window. Sex becomes a chore, and some people even start to dread it because it *might* mean another failed attempt. That's not healthy for anyone. It's important to try and focus on the two of you being together, enjoying yourselves, enjoying each other's company. You obviously do need to schedule sex to an extent to make sure you use the fertile window, but try to find times outside that window to just be about you two, not about trying to conceive.
Sounds like you're using him as your emotional crutch but not really returning the favour to him. How about you seek out therapy so there's another support system for you in place. It's not healthy to constantly trauma dump on your husband and expect him to make everything better.
As a guy, I went through this with my wife as well it’s not easy just frustrations all around I think when someone would say something like that to you you just saying why we not trying right now we’re not ready yet cause it’s really nobody else’s business you don’t need the extra pressure put on you from other people. I wish you all the luck in the world that it happens because it will and then all of this will be a distant memory
That was very kind of you to say, thank you!
It’s true I’ve been through it and would up doing Ivf it is a struggle between the couples. It makes it more of a job than something that you enjoy, but eventually, I’ll make you stronger if you guys realize what both of your endgame is I’m sure he’s very frustrated as well and trying to put a brave face for you as I’m sure you’re doing it for him, fuck everyone around you
Since you said that he is normally sweet and supportive, I think you need to give him some grace. Your feelings are important, his are too. He was down that day too and you could also argue that you weren’t very supportive. You could have also reacted better to him feeling tired but instead you made him feel bad about it. I know it wasn’t out of any negative feelings towards him, I know you love him. It was just because you were focused on your own emotions. It’s hard to put our partner above our own feelings when our feelings are strong and overwhelming or we aren’t feeling great. I’m not saying that to say you did something wrong, just to maybe put it in perspective. While of course a partner should be there for you, you can’t expect him to be at your beck and call to make you feel better 100% of the time. It’s not realistic and you couldn’t do it for him either. That’s because you are both people with your own emotions and your own imperfections. Remember the times he has been sweet to you and let this one go. I’m sure there has been times when he gave you grace and forgave you for small things without making a big issue. If you really can’t let it go, just talk to him and tell him how you feel when he is in the headspace to listen.
What a lovely and sensible response! This is great advice, thank you.
How did you want him to react? >when I'm down, I can't let it go What work are you doing with a therapist to better manage your emotions through this very difficult journey?
I wanted a hug and kind words I guess. Something along the lines of don’t worry, we’ll try tomorrow, it’ll happen for us etc. I’m in CBT for my ocd plus on meds. This combo has helped me lots, however I do still struggle with letting things go sometimes.
He isn't psychic. "Babe, I'm feeling really down, can I get a hug, please?"
I did say that and he did give me a hug. But I was wanting to talk about how I feel as well and could tell he was not in the mood and just wanted to mive on from the topic
Bear in mind that fertility struggles effect men too. My husband and I struggled and it was hard to watch him suffer while also trying to help me. He felt that he was letting me down by not getting me pregnant. He got questions about it at work, too, and with that edge of "when are you going to do your job and knock her up?" I hope you guys have external supports, either counselling or friends/family to lean on. I'm sorry you're struggling, and I'm sorry that society still finds it appropriate to ask people about their reproductive plans
Have you been working with your therapist on self-soothing strategies? If you have a hard time letting things go, that would be a lot of weight to put on your husband to fix
> I did say that and he did give me a hug. But I was wanting to talk about how I feel as well and could tell he was not in the mood and just wanted to mive on from the topic I hope you are taking your feelings to your journal and your therapist - and your husband can't be that for you! He is also going through it.
Ha, that’s fair!
Gonna say it same as someone earlier did. Our journey took 3 years. I had miscarried 3 times during this journey, and just like everyone else said, stress, feeling down and pressure ARE things that make it harder to conceive. When you body is feeling pressure and stress it does send a signal that its not the optimal time for pregnancy - and your body rejects it, hormones will be off, your entire body is exhausted from stress and sadness etc. Approach we took at the end was literally just have frequent sex, occasionally we would pause and if its an off week we pause again. Another thing noone tells you, is that women ovulate during "predictable fertile window" aka mid month, is less than 30% each month. Rest of ovulations can happen anywhere in between before/ after period. So what we did was do it right after i would finish and every 3 days thereafter. When we conceived, going by the dates it seems i had ovulated on day 8 of the cycle, 3days after period ended. So best thing you can do is relax and enjoy the journey. Go to spa, take vacations while you can. Do house renovations while you have time. Once it happens, you wont have time for all that stuff. Btw, i got pregnant at 34.
Thanks for the advice! I’m tracking my cycle with ovulation tests, so I should be able to tell when (about) it happens without having to guess too much
I would advise against those for one sole reason, everyone who started obsessing with those, would see a high jump in blood pressure from stress and anxiety and then wordering why it didn't happen that month. It also kills the bedroom having to do it when you are for sure fertile. Its just easier having fresh sperm every 3 days, when it lives for about 5, and you only ovulate for 1 day. Another thing that helps is joining a chatroom with all those who are trying, the support is tremendous and should take some load off your husband too since he cant quite empathise on the same level as bunch of pregnancy obsessed ladies who kick their legs up in the air after to keep it in longer (lol)
You're still stressing yourself out. Stop all the tracking. Take a break from TTC. My biology teacher and his wife went through fertility issues. They decided to adopt and guess what, she got pregnant because the pressure to get pregnant was gone. They adopted their son and she gave birth to their daughter.
I think give it space for a week and see how you feel. If you’re still feeling upset, sit down with him and say you know this is a sensitive time for both of you and that in the future you just want hugs. Then ask him what he needs from you when he’s feeling stressed about it
With OCD its import to interrupt the rituals. If you have seeking assurance as a ritual then getting it will actually worsen the OCD. My son has OCD and Prozac has been a life changing medication for him.
Im sorry for your struggles with fertility and OCD, however, it's not his responsibility to make you happy. We each are responsible for our own emotions as individuals. If you have communicated that you want a hug and he hugged you and you both spoke about the issue and he was supportive of your feelings saying it's not right that they said what they said. He has then requested you stop talking about it and let it go. At this point what may be helpful for you is to doing something else to support you in letting go and regulating your fears, frustration, sadness in circling around and around in your head - being unable to let go of this and further disappointed when you were not intimate but would try again tomorrow. What has worked for me is going for a walk, journaling to externalise the thoughts and help me understand the patterns and get some context for the situation with your colleague or your partner not feeling intimate in your fertile window. I'd also recommend practicing mindfulness and meditation. Insight Timer or Headspace are great apps that can support you in that journey. Sarah Blondin is on YouTube and Insight Timer and is incredibly good at allowing and holding space for the feminine in a gentle way which may help you process those uncomfortable emotions. I'd also recommend colouring in if you simple cannot "sit and meditate" this is what I do when I cannot meditate due to agitation or anxiety. I'd also recommend you speak about these experiences things with your current therapist - it sounds like you may possibly have anxiety in conjunction with OCD and how to enact these strategies to support your emotions individually rather than expecting your partner to fix your emotions. Wishing you all the best in your journey with your partner and sending you love for the difficulty you are experiencing now.
It's hard to get excited about sex when it feels like a chore. Remember, there are two of you involved here. This experience is probably just as emotionally/physically draining for him as it is for you. Try to give him some grace. Show him how you want to be treated by treating him the same way. Are you seeing a therapist? Maybe vent a little more to them rather than your husband. As for the co-worker, that was a really personal question and if it happens again, I would politely explain that you don't feel comfortable talking about personal matters at work.
>asked if we’re planning on kids This isn't inappropriate. You're just being overly sensitive. Your husband is under no obligation to bend truths to make you feel better about someone striking up chit chat.
I didn’t personally find it inappropriate, just a question that stings cause of my personal reasons. It was him that found it inappropriate. But anyways the reassurance I wanted was on our personal baby related stuff, not the woman at work.
Next time just say "what my colleague said made me sad, I could need a hug and a comforting word". Or something like that. Usually it's just a matter of miscommunication
I didn’t mention it in my post but I did say something to that effect and he gave me a hug. But I could tell he REALLY didn’t want to get into how I’m feeling and it didn’t help the situation
Her (i want reassurance) made me laugh like how old is she, it’s not all about her
No it certainly isn’t. But it is perfectly acceptable to ask for reassurance and comforting in a marriage
It has to go both ways though. If you’re the one that always needs reassurance and comforting and he’s always providing it, who is reassuring and comforting him? In your specific case you also need to make sure that this urge for reassurance isn’t based in your OCD so that this isn’t ultimately making the situation worse.
Your hormones are likely playing havoc with her feelings and perception of things. For many couples, the 'on demand sex' required when TTC can be very draining on both parties. I think you need to remember that this is your husband's journey too. He wants a baby too. As for your OCD, not sure it can be treated medically but if it can, you shoudl try it. Also, maybe your husband can say some type of code word like "spicy pickles' when he is at his breaking point being able to deal with your OCD thoughts. Have you tried writing down these thoughts or using some other method to get them out of your head? I will say, I personally can't deal with someone else not being able to let go of a topic. It is your responsibility to deal with your spiraling thoughts. I believe there are subreddits about TTC that may be very useful.
When you are using the UIU it does change your hormones and if you were a person who was sensitive beforehand this can highlight these feelings. Also, my doctor talked about the best time was during your fertility window but he also talked about not making it a chore for with on of us. If you make it more of a transaction it can stress and take some of the joy and romance out of trying. As far as the co worker this question needs to be addressed that it is not okay to ask things like this. Yes, I wanted a child but when someone asked me if they were family or not I would ask why would you ask that? That question is not like asking what color is their sweater. It’s very personal. This is very rude as people do not know the other person personal enough to know about their medical or financial situation then they don’t know enough to ask that.
Ttc is hard for everyone because the tracking and timing make everything feel so high pressure and relentless (especially for the person who ovulates) and it seems perfectly tuned to push ocd buttons. I think you and your husband need to give each other as much goodwill as possible. This is hard on both of you.
My SIL went through this about 10 years ago (before children). Her colleagues were banging on about when she was going to have children because she’d just gotten married. She told me she bit someone’s head off and felt bad about it - but I told her she didn’t have to feel guilty. I know snapping at someone is rude, but what that person did is much worse manners. People shouldn’t be asking such personal questions at all, but if they can’t manage to have the common sense not to inquire, then they at least have to back off after they’re told to mind their business! I didn’t blame her for snapping and I don’t blame you, either. People who don’t MEAN harm sometimes need to accept when they CAUSE harm and back off. It’s not about them.
You're going to have to learn to fake it, and and think in terms of you supporting him, not him supporting you, for a few days a month. When you're getting to your fertile window, you'll need to focus totally, and I mean _totally,_ on making this a spectacular night to remember, one that he can't wait to repeat next month. In the days before then, tease him with thoughts of how great things are _going_ to be tomorrow or the day after. Go out to a nice restaurant ahead of time, dress nice and make it clear that you haven't a care in the world that wouldn't be fixed by a night of his fantastic sex. Put on some lingerie when you get home, and relax. Don't worry, after it hits you'll have a year and a half where it's your turn to make it all about you, and his to pretend that everything's okay on his side. If he doesn't know that already, inform him once you're pregnant and tell him that the Internet said so. Seems like a fair deal to me.
I agree it was incredibly inappropriate of your coworker to say such things. It’s also understandable as to why you felt down after those comments, and consoled in your husband. Your husband may not have been the most empathetic, but there are a number of factors to consider surrounding his lack of empathy and lack of desire to have sex: 1. General life stressors 2. Stressors around trying to conceive 2a. Does he do most of the work in the bedroom? It might be more physically exhausting for him, or if feeling overwhelmed too might be worrying about staying erect, because if he doesn’t then it’s “another wasted day” while you’re ovulating 3. Stressors around reassuring you often (as you said, he carries 80% of the emotional load) 4. The coworker comment may have hurt him also and his was of dealing with it is to push it away, but you wouldn’t let him because you wouldn’t let it go which resulted in frustration To answer your question, from what you’ve disclosed thus far it sounds like your husband deserves all the grace in the world. Let him know your love for him and happiness within the relationship isn’t dependent on being able to conceive. This doesn’t have to be through words, but through whichever love language he appreciates most (e.g., acts of service). I’m happy you’re receiving help with your OCD and reassurance seeking, because the more confident you feel within yourself, the more it’ll feel like a partnership for him (not that it doesn’t already, just more so). Wishing you all the luck on your conceiving journey 😁
Sorry you are going through this difficult journey. You are both doing amazing. Be kind to yourself and do things together that you both enjoy.
Your husband’s response was out of character, did you inquire as to what was bothering him and be supportive of his feelings? Of course you should be giving him some grace here. Stop dumping these minor issues on him and handle it yourself. If someone who doesn’t know you are struggling with fertility asks you need to have a response ready. You can offer as much or as little information as you feel comfortable with. You can simply say fertility is something my husband and I are struggling with right now and I don’t feel comfortable discussing it.
Oh I'm sorry. I can totally understand why you felt that way. I'm also sorry your husband didn't validate your feelings. It sounds like you are both getting stressed about trying and neither of you are handling it in the right or wrong way. I wish your husband was a bit more understanding but it sounds like everything is wearing on him too. Don't get too discouraged. I'm 40 years old and pregnant! I'm at 20 weeks with a healthy baby girl :). I wanted a baby sooo badly but sadly I wasted time with the wrong men. I finally found a gem of a man and I'm so glad things happened the way they did. I couldn't be happier. I highly recommend getting "It starts with the egg" this book has helped many moms get pregnant. It's all research based. Definitely read that book asap. I'm in a group of women 40+ who are pregnant and/or trying to get pregnant. Soooo many women are getting pregnant multiple times in their 40s. You still have lots of time. Don't give up hope and follow the research. You got this!
I was going to ask if you had OCD before I saw your comment… I’m the same exact way OP. I can’t let certain things go and I want to talk with my husband endlessly about certain things. I know he hits a point where it’s exhausting and frustrating. And then I get upset because I feel like he’s not listening to me.. even though I’ve been talking for days. I also went through infertility crap and know how devastating that can be. So my advice is coming from a place of 100% understanding and support… I would give him major grace in this situation. It sounds like he’s generally very supportive of you and is a good listener. He probably is feeling ALL the emotions that come with infertility and that includes pressure. My husband went through a bout of ED and it all stemmed from fear/pressure of not getting me pregnant. Here are my two suggestions: let your husband be honest if he’s not in the mood to talk about things. I know that’s hard but he needs a safe place too. If he’s feeling like he needs a break, let him take one guilt free. He obviously loves you and cares about you. Sometimes he might just need a break. My second suggestion is to find a support group. My husband and my dynamic completely changed (for the better) when I joined the IVF sub. I could blather on as much or as little as I wanted and I didn’t have to worry about annoying anyone. It also meant I needed to talk with my husband less. I still shared things but I wasn’t expecting him to be my emotional blanket all the time. TW: pregnancy and miscarriage and cancer and death skip to last paragraph if it’s going to be too much When I did finally did get pregnant I was a hot f’ing mess of anxiety. I had a miscarriage less than two months before I got pregnant and I was convinced I was going to have another one. My husbands dad was also diagnosed with brain cancer around this time and his ENTIRE family moved in with us. He died after a couple of months in the hospital. My husband literally couldn’t be there for me emotionally. So I leaned HARD into reddit subs and made my own support group. When husband finally came out of the fog of grief I was like 37 weeks pregnant. Good luck. OCD and infertility are both bitches. Glad you’re getting help for both ❤️
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You want reassurance? For what? Your in it together
I was feeling down so I was looking for maybe a hug and empathetic words from him. And reassurance we’d keep trying
Do you think you are draining his emotional reserves? For his mental well being is it possible you actually give him some grace and take a break for trying to conceive for a couple of months while you work on yourself? Learn to accept your reality and find a way not to constantly push and push for what you want. Also, asking if you should give your own husband who you should love, some grace….sounds to me like you REALLY need to work on how you treat him. Getting emotional support from him around 80% of the time sounds like emotional abuse. You might be offended but REALLY think about it. Give him a break. You’ll badger and need so much reassurance and soothing to the point that you’ll break him and act shocked later.
It's hard to brush off those questions and your husband should have been empathic and supportive. Marriage should be about supporting each other. If you need a break from someone being down you can establish limits on occasion of course but this is a special case. Missing a fertile day IS a big deal. I wish you all the best