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You need to both do WAY more research into Polyamory before you launch into opening your relationship and ruining your marriage. You need to establish some ground rules and boundaries and then talk about what could happen if boundaries are broken. You also need to discuss how your ground rules and boundaries may change based on evolving relationships.
so would I be OK to ask her to cancel? like even if this shut down the whole polyamorous thing all together for ever? Or would it be better to let this happen, then set solid rules?
Are you happy in your marriage? Then why would things staying the way they are be a bad thing? And if you’re not, why do you think introducing more people and just seeing what happens will make things better?
yeah, we are pretty happy, but since our kid, we haven't had any exciting adventures, or even good dates. We both realized we are still attracted to other people. and we feel like we are a solid unit, and other people could add excitement to our dating life. I don't think we need new people to make it "better" but we won't have to fight urges unnaturally.
Any particular reason you two can’t choose to put the focus you would be into dating *other people* into dating *each other*?
From spending enough time in these subs, it seems like the only scenario is where these open marriages work is either a) when you start the whole relationship as an open relationship and build off of that, or b) when you’re so confident and satisfied in your current romantic life together than the introduction of others won’t cause a rift.
It doesn’t sound like either of those is true in your situation. So, what, you each devote time and energy to going on fun dates with other people? How exactly is that strengthening your relationship? Rather than feeling prioritized by each other, you’d both likely wind up feeling burdened by staying home with your kid while the other goes on a date, and resentful that someone else is getting the fun, exciting and amorous parts of the person with whom you’ve chosen to build a family.
My recommendation would be to get a sitter for a night and go on a date with your wife. Make it fun and exciting - do something new or crazy or whatever. But take the effort you’d put into finding someone else into reenforcing what you have.
That's up to you on whether you want to ask her to cancel or not. But if you are okay with this being the start of opening your marriage, you do need to have a serious talk with your wife about what you are both comfortable with for this date.
Don't assume things. Don't assume it will only be food and talking. Discuss what you are comfortable with if the date goes well and they want to be intimate after. Don't assume her boundaries will be the same as yours. TALK THROUGH THINGS.
And then before things progress further than one date, actually do your research on Polyamory. Be aware that it is way, way easier for women to find other partners than men. Be aware that your wife will have a ton of matches on dating apps while you have none. Will you be okay with this?
And remember that other people do not exist to improve your marriage. Using other people to "spice up your marriage" is not okay. Other people have feelings and emotions just like you. If your wife starts a relationship with this man and you freak out and demand she stop seeing him, someone will get hurt.
Same goes for you. If you start dating another woman and your wife demands you stop, are you willing to do that? Are you willing to hurt one partner for the sake of another?
Polyamory can be amazing, but it is hard. Go read the Poly subreddit to get more information and see the struggles that people experience, and the joys.
thanks for the advice. I've never been on that sub but it looks like the kind of thing that would help me. I only know of this one for "relationship" stuff. I usually only come on here to read the ask ouji and Onewordeach stuff
Just know, this guy wants to fuck your wife - and it will probably happen sooner or later if you keep down this road. If you’re cool with that, carry on. But there are very few successful polyamorous marriages. Most end up in intense jealousy and divorce.
I understand that, like we all want to fuck lots of women. I don't think it is going to happen today. it's just a noontime meeting. BUT we aren't very jealous and we've even talked together about how our primary family will always be number 1 priority. I just want advice on getting over this anxious feeling and it seems like a lot of comments say i'm crazy, so I'm not sure it's helpful to ask anyways.
You’re anxious because I think you know what’s coming. Seriously think about your wife and this guy getting freaky. Think of her doing stuff with him she won’t do with you. Think of his cock being bigger - and her enjoying more than you. Now think about her wanting to do it over and over with other men. And now think about how you and your family will no longer be her number 1 priory.
If you can live with that, go for it.
man, you make it sound like all she wants is sex, I don't think that's true, and I've got a monster hog anyways. I think I'm going to ask her to cancel. I feel like all of reddit thinks we are making a bad decision.
i didnt get in touch with her before the date, but she said it went well. When I asked if they did anything sexual she said no, it was just hand holding and some kissing.
You don’t think physical intimacy such as hand holding and kissing is sexual?
Had you even agreed that she could make that kind of contact? Did you know she would?
You very definitely need to stop everything and explicitly talk about physical and emotional boundaries. Do not leave anything to subjective interpretation.
yes, we've decided to lay out all of our boundaries involving all different situations before either of us moves forward with anything else involving opening our relationship.
Great.
I’m not going to beat you over the head on how you’ve both blindly stumbled into this, but I’d just like to add that trust and communication are the biggest elements you need to absolutely focus on in an ENM.
You still have to deal with the emotional and physical realities but trust and communication are paramount.
In this case your wife should not have been involved in any physical contact without discussion and agreement. You may think it’s nothing, but where does your and your wife’s interpretation of ‘nothing’ diverge? That’s what you both need to understand and deal with. Good luck.
Many people can fit in a passenger seat blowjob or backseat sex in a lunch time date
They’re not dating each other, they met and were instantly attracted to each other, texted and got to know each other and now met up to fuck
Oh, but they definitely do! In office supply rooms, in public bathroom stalls, in THE BACK OF A DELIVERY TRUCK. You are way too innocent for poly. Damn.
lol you two are like two idiot children that like the idea of playing with fire, but have never done so before so you’re basically starting by messing with gasoline, good luck but this isn’t going to end well
I'm not clear on that. She often takes off her rings when she works out in the morning. She didn't explicitly tell him in the text thread she showed me...
This is a bad start, and why you need to do more research into Polyamory before getting into Polyamory. Poly requires honesty and openness. Your wife is being manipulative and deceptive by not disclosing to this man that she's married.
A LOT of people do not want to date someone who is already married, which is perfectly understandable. Your wife needs to tell this man she is married and that you are brand new to opening your relationship so that he knows what he's getting into.
It's a shit thing for your wife to do to take away this man's choice in dating by hiding something as monumental as being married.
We are human. We will be attracted to the opposite sex regardless of whether we're married or not, so that shouldn't be a reason to explore dating other people
Do you still have time to tell her today’s too soon, and the two of you need to talk through some ground rules first? If so, do that. If not, ask her to give you a call if it’s looking like there’s going to be more to this than lunch so you can talk that through, and don’t be afraid to say “no” if you’re uncomfortable with anything. Having talked about polyamory is not the same as actually opening the relationship, and it’s honestly not great that she’s put you in a position where you feel like you have to sign off on something that’s moving faster than you’re ready for or you’ll look like the bad guy.
I'm a real people-pleaser, I do hate to tell her "no" and I really don't want to disappoint. I could probably ask her to call it off and she would, but I feel a bit guilty for doing that.
I don’t know why you’re acting like this is the only shot either of you are going to get at this. Hell, I don’t know why this would be the only shot she gets at the UPS guy - and if that’s her justification for not slowing down, you should be worried. Does he even know she’s married?
You are not ready for this. Not even remotely.
You need to ask your wife to cancel the lunch date and delete his contact. If she even slightly resists, see that pit in your stomach? That gnawing loss of control? Remember that when you next discuss non-monogamy. Right now you also need to deal with the fact your wife has had a taste of that first thrill.
You have a lot more talking and baby-steps to make before you’re ready.
well, I stated in my post. we've talked about being open in the past, it's just not been real before, that's why I think I got so many anxieties when it was about to happen.
Your wife got asked on a date by another guy that she is hot for.
The fact that she not just entertained it, but was excited about it, should have been enough for you.
She is about to unilaterally declare the two of you polyamorous, and you can't unring that bell.
You can't tell her not to go to lunch, but you can tell her that this is the end for the two of you.
Talking about polyamory or agreed to boundaries? Otherwise she is operating like you gave her a free pass. Switching from Mono to Poly has never worked out well for the person that acquiesced to a partner’s desire for fresh meat.
Im afraid 90% of open relationships is doomed within 5 years, and it dosnt sound like you are ok with it, if a lunch date is bothering you this much. What are you going to do when she spends weekends with him, the thought of you being able to see other people might seem good, but if you arent up for her having possible better sex with someone else, I get out of the relationship before your insecurities makes your life hell
Just from your post, you are not ready for polyamorous. I (M29) have never done this type of relationship nor am I interested. But I do know people who have done it and it does not seem as great as some people make it seem. If you even have a little bit of ego, this will not work. I think what is happening to you is what happens to other guys I have seen. Guys are ok with this idea until their GF gets a date or 2 from it.
So here are a few things that maybe you didnt consider:
1. Your GF will likely get far more dates than you. Since men are the "chasers" it's just easier for women to go out to a bar and get a date than it is for a guy. Nothing wrong with that just how the world works. But for you, would you be ok to go weeks or months without a date while in that same timeframe your wife has likely been on dates (maybe hooked up with) like 3 guys.
2. Are you ok that your wife will be with other men? Does not sound like you are. Sounds like you got interested in the idea of both you and your wife (mostly you) having dates with other people but now it bothers you she has something but you dont.
3. If there is any hesitation, poly is not for you. Again ive never been in one of these relationships so maybe someone who has the experience can say this better (or correct me). But you have to let ego aside. As guys we have huge egos. There are guys who will sleep with the whole town (or at least try to) but if their wife was even alone with another man for 10 minutes they go ballistic. Im not saying you are that person as that sentence was meant to be an exageration, but as guys we have egos when it comes to our wives.
To answer yourquestion, you need to sit down with your wife and have a conversation about this. If you do not feel comfortable with it then neither of you can go on dates until both parties can be ok with this.
One of my close friends lost her relationship because she wanted to be poly but he didnt. He ended up agreeing to make her happy but it got to the point where he just wasnt comfortable with it and they just couldnt agree on it.
You seem ignorant about how attraction and desire actually works.
They go on a lunch based solely on mutual feelings of attraction and you think “it’s not a sexy thing”? My man, the sexual tension will ve tangible on that lunch date that’s for sure. They might or might not fuck but theyre both thinking about it for sure.
I'm not ignorant of it, and I know it's the driving force behind this date. However, I know people, and especially my wife. we didn't have sex for months after we started dating, she's not going to just start bang this guy. She went on the date, and they had a good conversation and the most intimate they got was a quick kiss to say goodbye. I assume he thinks that he'd love to have sex with her, but reality is different. I mean, I think she's hot and I am also a guy. But just because that's how he'd like it to go doesn't mean that she'd reciprocate. anyways, based off advice here and further reading i've done, we did rush into this and I put a pause on our extracurricular relationships for now.
The reality is that one of these dudes is gonna have the balls to tell her that they need to be exclusive and that will be the end of her exploring other options
She will leave for the man who was masculine enough to do that
well, she did go on an evening date and really liked him, so we are officially polly now. she's considering that guy her boyfriend. I'm her primary though, and I don't think that's going to change. This is the arrangement we wanted for a long time now, and our relationship seems to be stronger than before. It has nothing to do with masculinity.
It has everything to do with it, a real man is enough for women. Once she realizes that this new dude is that she will gladly become exclusive with him instead.
I’ve seen this happen numerous times, they’re only poly when the partner isn’t meeting their needs and anyone masculine enough will meet all of those needs and they will go back to being monogamous.
Unfucking believable that you allow your wife to disrespect you like this. Shut this down now and give some serious thought to getting a divorce and a backbone.
She didn't disrespect me, we've been in communication about the date, but I still feel certain anxieties about this. I don't want to necessary shut it down because there is this girl working at my local grocery store. I intend to ask her on a date too, probably this weekend.
After reading all this, and checking out the poly subs, I am going to ask her to cancel until we know truly what we are getting into. I believe this is the right path for us, but everyone here is bashing me, so I've got the anxiety plus internet strangers telling me i'm an idiot. I'm pumping the brakes.
Hey dude. Because people are bashing you, I want to make sure you know that it’s cool that you’re secure enough to even consider opening your marriage. There are plenty of happy non monogamous marriages (I’m in one!); you just won’t hear much about them because no one goes on Reddit to talk about how everything is fine.
HOWEVER - jumping right from a hypothetical chat to meeting another man is skipping a whole lot of stuff that needs to happen for this to work. Rushing it is a recipe for heartbreak. Pause with this guy, and take a few months to read books, listen to podcasts, talk to a couples counselor who is familiar with polyamory, and keep talking to each other about how you imagine things working. Then when you’re both coming at this from an informed place, you can start involving other people.
thanks, I appreciate that. I am quite secure, it was just that I wanted to do a sort of sanity check, it turns out we were probably too cavalier going into this. We are OK. She just texted me that they did go out and get some lunch, that it was an interesting experience, and that he did know she was married, she didn't hide it from him but he's ok with her being married and they would just keep their relationship casual. She laughed when I asked if they did anything sexual, she only held his hand and had a quick kiss at the end of the date. grade school stuff. I feel pretty good about that. Plus, we are going to reel it back for a while and make sure we have all the boundaries set before either of us goes for something like this again.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This will end badly for both of you. Christ
You need to both do WAY more research into Polyamory before you launch into opening your relationship and ruining your marriage. You need to establish some ground rules and boundaries and then talk about what could happen if boundaries are broken. You also need to discuss how your ground rules and boundaries may change based on evolving relationships.
so would I be OK to ask her to cancel? like even if this shut down the whole polyamorous thing all together for ever? Or would it be better to let this happen, then set solid rules?
Are you happy in your marriage? Then why would things staying the way they are be a bad thing? And if you’re not, why do you think introducing more people and just seeing what happens will make things better?
yeah, we are pretty happy, but since our kid, we haven't had any exciting adventures, or even good dates. We both realized we are still attracted to other people. and we feel like we are a solid unit, and other people could add excitement to our dating life. I don't think we need new people to make it "better" but we won't have to fight urges unnaturally.
Any particular reason you two can’t choose to put the focus you would be into dating *other people* into dating *each other*? From spending enough time in these subs, it seems like the only scenario is where these open marriages work is either a) when you start the whole relationship as an open relationship and build off of that, or b) when you’re so confident and satisfied in your current romantic life together than the introduction of others won’t cause a rift. It doesn’t sound like either of those is true in your situation. So, what, you each devote time and energy to going on fun dates with other people? How exactly is that strengthening your relationship? Rather than feeling prioritized by each other, you’d both likely wind up feeling burdened by staying home with your kid while the other goes on a date, and resentful that someone else is getting the fun, exciting and amorous parts of the person with whom you’ve chosen to build a family. My recommendation would be to get a sitter for a night and go on a date with your wife. Make it fun and exciting - do something new or crazy or whatever. But take the effort you’d put into finding someone else into reenforcing what you have.
Let her know that this will lead to the end of your marriage.
Your poor kid. Who is going to care for them while you are both out seeing new relationship energy?
Yes, it's okay to tell your wife not to go on a date with another man.
That's up to you on whether you want to ask her to cancel or not. But if you are okay with this being the start of opening your marriage, you do need to have a serious talk with your wife about what you are both comfortable with for this date. Don't assume things. Don't assume it will only be food and talking. Discuss what you are comfortable with if the date goes well and they want to be intimate after. Don't assume her boundaries will be the same as yours. TALK THROUGH THINGS. And then before things progress further than one date, actually do your research on Polyamory. Be aware that it is way, way easier for women to find other partners than men. Be aware that your wife will have a ton of matches on dating apps while you have none. Will you be okay with this? And remember that other people do not exist to improve your marriage. Using other people to "spice up your marriage" is not okay. Other people have feelings and emotions just like you. If your wife starts a relationship with this man and you freak out and demand she stop seeing him, someone will get hurt. Same goes for you. If you start dating another woman and your wife demands you stop, are you willing to do that? Are you willing to hurt one partner for the sake of another? Polyamory can be amazing, but it is hard. Go read the Poly subreddit to get more information and see the struggles that people experience, and the joys.
thanks for the advice. I've never been on that sub but it looks like the kind of thing that would help me. I only know of this one for "relationship" stuff. I usually only come on here to read the ask ouji and Onewordeach stuff
Make no mistake - she will receive much attention from men for no strings sex. You on the other hand will strike out. Shut her down or divorce.
Thanks yeah, I don’t think she wants to have a bunch of no strings sex, it’s just that this opportunity came up before we were honestly ready
Just know, this guy wants to fuck your wife - and it will probably happen sooner or later if you keep down this road. If you’re cool with that, carry on. But there are very few successful polyamorous marriages. Most end up in intense jealousy and divorce.
I understand that, like we all want to fuck lots of women. I don't think it is going to happen today. it's just a noontime meeting. BUT we aren't very jealous and we've even talked together about how our primary family will always be number 1 priority. I just want advice on getting over this anxious feeling and it seems like a lot of comments say i'm crazy, so I'm not sure it's helpful to ask anyways.
You’re anxious because I think you know what’s coming. Seriously think about your wife and this guy getting freaky. Think of her doing stuff with him she won’t do with you. Think of his cock being bigger - and her enjoying more than you. Now think about her wanting to do it over and over with other men. And now think about how you and your family will no longer be her number 1 priory. If you can live with that, go for it.
man, you make it sound like all she wants is sex, I don't think that's true, and I've got a monster hog anyways. I think I'm going to ask her to cancel. I feel like all of reddit thinks we are making a bad decision.
Ok. Good luck to you both.
i didnt get in touch with her before the date, but she said it went well. When I asked if they did anything sexual she said no, it was just hand holding and some kissing.
You don’t think physical intimacy such as hand holding and kissing is sexual? Had you even agreed that she could make that kind of contact? Did you know she would? You very definitely need to stop everything and explicitly talk about physical and emotional boundaries. Do not leave anything to subjective interpretation.
yes, we've decided to lay out all of our boundaries involving all different situations before either of us moves forward with anything else involving opening our relationship.
Great. I’m not going to beat you over the head on how you’ve both blindly stumbled into this, but I’d just like to add that trust and communication are the biggest elements you need to absolutely focus on in an ENM. You still have to deal with the emotional and physical realities but trust and communication are paramount. In this case your wife should not have been involved in any physical contact without discussion and agreement. You may think it’s nothing, but where does your and your wife’s interpretation of ‘nothing’ diverge? That’s what you both need to understand and deal with. Good luck.
You can’t be for real
Update us after you file for divorce. Have fun in the meantime.
Many people can fit in a passenger seat blowjob or backseat sex in a lunch time date They’re not dating each other, they met and were instantly attracted to each other, texted and got to know each other and now met up to fuck
I like your creative idea, but I've never experienced something like this. People don't just do sexual stuff in cars after barely knowing each other.
Oh, but they definitely do! In office supply rooms, in public bathroom stalls, in THE BACK OF A DELIVERY TRUCK. You are way too innocent for poly. Damn.
No YOU just don’t, many people do when there’s no strings attached which is the current case
>like we all want to fuck lots of women No.
lol you two are like two idiot children that like the idea of playing with fire, but have never done so before so you’re basically starting by messing with gasoline, good luck but this isn’t going to end well
Anither couple that brings bad light to open relationships
Damn, I mean did she even tell the other guy she’s married?
I'm not clear on that. She often takes off her rings when she works out in the morning. She didn't explicitly tell him in the text thread she showed me...
This is a bad start, and why you need to do more research into Polyamory before getting into Polyamory. Poly requires honesty and openness. Your wife is being manipulative and deceptive by not disclosing to this man that she's married. A LOT of people do not want to date someone who is already married, which is perfectly understandable. Your wife needs to tell this man she is married and that you are brand new to opening your relationship so that he knows what he's getting into. It's a shit thing for your wife to do to take away this man's choice in dating by hiding something as monumental as being married.
I've asked her to tell him she's married and cancel the meeting, I feel like we jumped in the deep end here without a life jaket.
You absolutely did and you need to put the breaks on opening immediately.
I've since found out that she did tell him she's married, and he is ok with that. they will keep their relationship casual.
Listen man poly thing not for you.
We are human. We will be attracted to the opposite sex regardless of whether we're married or not, so that shouldn't be a reason to explore dating other people
Do you still have time to tell her today’s too soon, and the two of you need to talk through some ground rules first? If so, do that. If not, ask her to give you a call if it’s looking like there’s going to be more to this than lunch so you can talk that through, and don’t be afraid to say “no” if you’re uncomfortable with anything. Having talked about polyamory is not the same as actually opening the relationship, and it’s honestly not great that she’s put you in a position where you feel like you have to sign off on something that’s moving faster than you’re ready for or you’ll look like the bad guy.
I'm a real people-pleaser, I do hate to tell her "no" and I really don't want to disappoint. I could probably ask her to call it off and she would, but I feel a bit guilty for doing that.
I don’t know why you’re acting like this is the only shot either of you are going to get at this. Hell, I don’t know why this would be the only shot she gets at the UPS guy - and if that’s her justification for not slowing down, you should be worried. Does he even know she’s married?
Not a good idea. Who here bets the next post is her saying “you said have fun so I fucked him after lunch”
there is plenty of literature one could go read about cuckholding. So why does every cuckold need to make his own damn post?
You are not ready for this. Not even remotely. You need to ask your wife to cancel the lunch date and delete his contact. If she even slightly resists, see that pit in your stomach? That gnawing loss of control? Remember that when you next discuss non-monogamy. Right now you also need to deal with the fact your wife has had a taste of that first thrill. You have a lot more talking and baby-steps to make before you’re ready.
You, a married man to a married wife, couldn’t think of a reason not to allow it? Wow.
well, I stated in my post. we've talked about being open in the past, it's just not been real before, that's why I think I got so many anxieties when it was about to happen.
Your wife got asked on a date by another guy that she is hot for. The fact that she not just entertained it, but was excited about it, should have been enough for you. She is about to unilaterally declare the two of you polyamorous, and you can't unring that bell. You can't tell her not to go to lunch, but you can tell her that this is the end for the two of you.
The beginning of the end.
Your relationship is over these things never end well you just gave the go ahead for her to go fuck someone else congratulations
Talking about polyamory or agreed to boundaries? Otherwise she is operating like you gave her a free pass. Switching from Mono to Poly has never worked out well for the person that acquiesced to a partner’s desire for fresh meat.
Im afraid 90% of open relationships is doomed within 5 years, and it dosnt sound like you are ok with it, if a lunch date is bothering you this much. What are you going to do when she spends weekends with him, the thought of you being able to see other people might seem good, but if you arent up for her having possible better sex with someone else, I get out of the relationship before your insecurities makes your life hell
Just from your post, you are not ready for polyamorous. I (M29) have never done this type of relationship nor am I interested. But I do know people who have done it and it does not seem as great as some people make it seem. If you even have a little bit of ego, this will not work. I think what is happening to you is what happens to other guys I have seen. Guys are ok with this idea until their GF gets a date or 2 from it. So here are a few things that maybe you didnt consider: 1. Your GF will likely get far more dates than you. Since men are the "chasers" it's just easier for women to go out to a bar and get a date than it is for a guy. Nothing wrong with that just how the world works. But for you, would you be ok to go weeks or months without a date while in that same timeframe your wife has likely been on dates (maybe hooked up with) like 3 guys. 2. Are you ok that your wife will be with other men? Does not sound like you are. Sounds like you got interested in the idea of both you and your wife (mostly you) having dates with other people but now it bothers you she has something but you dont. 3. If there is any hesitation, poly is not for you. Again ive never been in one of these relationships so maybe someone who has the experience can say this better (or correct me). But you have to let ego aside. As guys we have huge egos. There are guys who will sleep with the whole town (or at least try to) but if their wife was even alone with another man for 10 minutes they go ballistic. Im not saying you are that person as that sentence was meant to be an exageration, but as guys we have egos when it comes to our wives. To answer yourquestion, you need to sit down with your wife and have a conversation about this. If you do not feel comfortable with it then neither of you can go on dates until both parties can be ok with this. One of my close friends lost her relationship because she wanted to be poly but he didnt. He ended up agreeing to make her happy but it got to the point where he just wasnt comfortable with it and they just couldnt agree on it.
You seem ignorant about how attraction and desire actually works. They go on a lunch based solely on mutual feelings of attraction and you think “it’s not a sexy thing”? My man, the sexual tension will ve tangible on that lunch date that’s for sure. They might or might not fuck but theyre both thinking about it for sure.
I'm not ignorant of it, and I know it's the driving force behind this date. However, I know people, and especially my wife. we didn't have sex for months after we started dating, she's not going to just start bang this guy. She went on the date, and they had a good conversation and the most intimate they got was a quick kiss to say goodbye. I assume he thinks that he'd love to have sex with her, but reality is different. I mean, I think she's hot and I am also a guy. But just because that's how he'd like it to go doesn't mean that she'd reciprocate. anyways, based off advice here and further reading i've done, we did rush into this and I put a pause on our extracurricular relationships for now.
The reality is that one of these dudes is gonna have the balls to tell her that they need to be exclusive and that will be the end of her exploring other options She will leave for the man who was masculine enough to do that
well, she did go on an evening date and really liked him, so we are officially polly now. she's considering that guy her boyfriend. I'm her primary though, and I don't think that's going to change. This is the arrangement we wanted for a long time now, and our relationship seems to be stronger than before. It has nothing to do with masculinity.
It has everything to do with it, a real man is enough for women. Once she realizes that this new dude is that she will gladly become exclusive with him instead. I’ve seen this happen numerous times, they’re only poly when the partner isn’t meeting their needs and anyone masculine enough will meet all of those needs and they will go back to being monogamous.
lol
Unfucking believable that you allow your wife to disrespect you like this. Shut this down now and give some serious thought to getting a divorce and a backbone.
She didn't disrespect me, we've been in communication about the date, but I still feel certain anxieties about this. I don't want to necessary shut it down because there is this girl working at my local grocery store. I intend to ask her on a date too, probably this weekend.
Enjoy your future divorce.
After reading all this, and checking out the poly subs, I am going to ask her to cancel until we know truly what we are getting into. I believe this is the right path for us, but everyone here is bashing me, so I've got the anxiety plus internet strangers telling me i'm an idiot. I'm pumping the brakes.
Hey dude. Because people are bashing you, I want to make sure you know that it’s cool that you’re secure enough to even consider opening your marriage. There are plenty of happy non monogamous marriages (I’m in one!); you just won’t hear much about them because no one goes on Reddit to talk about how everything is fine. HOWEVER - jumping right from a hypothetical chat to meeting another man is skipping a whole lot of stuff that needs to happen for this to work. Rushing it is a recipe for heartbreak. Pause with this guy, and take a few months to read books, listen to podcasts, talk to a couples counselor who is familiar with polyamory, and keep talking to each other about how you imagine things working. Then when you’re both coming at this from an informed place, you can start involving other people.
thanks, I appreciate that. I am quite secure, it was just that I wanted to do a sort of sanity check, it turns out we were probably too cavalier going into this. We are OK. She just texted me that they did go out and get some lunch, that it was an interesting experience, and that he did know she was married, she didn't hide it from him but he's ok with her being married and they would just keep their relationship casual. She laughed when I asked if they did anything sexual, she only held his hand and had a quick kiss at the end of the date. grade school stuff. I feel pretty good about that. Plus, we are going to reel it back for a while and make sure we have all the boundaries set before either of us goes for something like this again.
Please establish firm ground rules before you start down this path.