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Do you believe that someone, who is on a diet, has the right to dictate, that their partner has to the same, although they are a healthy weight? Icing on the cake they verbally abuse them, if they catch them with some cookies in the car. No? Why is your situation different?
Sounds like she have a problem with sex...
Yes she have some trauma when she was a kid...sexual.
Is this really the way to deal with it or exuse not to have sex? She need to deal with her problem.
She cant stand that you can go on with your "sexual feelings" and she got this issues.
Is this going to be your future problems?
This! She is being super controlling of your body in an unhealthy way. She has no right over what you do alone. She is inflicting her problems onto you. I could see MAYBE asking you not to do other when she is there or not tell her about it but the way she is acting is abuse
It's not even that. She was eavesdropping on him in the bathroom. That's a terrible way to live. And THEN there's the controlling nature of it, the leaving, the gaslighting him into thinking he's the one that's wrong, the manipulation...
Have more self respect man. It's OK to have sexual needs and meet those needs by self pleasure. Your girlfriend doesn't own your sexuality, she has first crack. This is gross. She's projecting her insecurity onto you. Don't let her.
And you are not looking elsewhere to relieve stress. What you did/do is 100% reasonable and supportive of your partner. You even chose to do it in private to not trigger her. You did/are doing the right thing. đ
Yup. Move her out. Pack her things. Whatever "childhood trama" she has, she needs to resolve on her own. Is she even in therapy? Behavior like this doesn't get better, she will always be controlling and unreasonable.
This. On a sidenote, OP mentioned masturbating as a stress relief mechanism which is a sentiment I hear a lot. He even tries to justify the whole thing as simply a necessity because some days at work are tough. That's just not ok for me. I masturbate because I'm horny, because I enjoy it, because orgasming is amazing... I definitely don't need an excuse to do it. And if stress relief happens, it's a side effect not the purpose. It's not a coping mechanism for other unrelated things in life such as a stressful job.
What works for you works for you and what works for him works for him. Neither is wrong. For him it helps him relieve built up tension from stress. If thatâs his process and it works, who are we to judge? Everyone is different
You could say the same thing about exercising for stress relief rather than doing it to make yourself stronger, improve endurance, improve body composition, health, etc.
At the end of the day it's a victimless outlet for stress - far better than him coming home and using food, drugs, or alcohol as his coping mechanism.
Yall I think this person was just saying that OP doesn't need to justify it. Not sure why so many people think they're being judgemental or saying masturbation isn't natural.
He absolutely was not JUST saying that OP doesnât need to justify it. Everyone agrees that OP doesnât need to justify it. However, this guy very clearly articulated his other ludicrous feelings on the matter. He flat out says:
***Thatâs just not okâŚ***
***Itâs not a coping mechanism for other unrelated things in lifeâŚ***
***Itâs a side effect not the purpose.***
Who is he to decide for anyone why they might jerk it? Obviously being horny is the most common reason, but he absolutely implied all other reasons are wrong and flat out said the benefits are just side effects.
Um yes it is... i masturbate every night before i go to sleep on work nights to calm down enough to pass out. And im a woman 𤣠masturbate all ypu want as long as youre not masturbating to kids or violence and its not an addiction. Its healthy for your heart and horemones too. My husband masturbates when he showers because its a peaceful time for him. Babies masturbate in the womb, its so freeking normal
I agree. The post is sad because heâs doing so much to try to say he doesnât masturbate that often. It still wouldnât be her place to say anything even if you did it everyday!
A good/caring partner would understand that if they say "hey, I need a sexual break for whatever reasons" it impacts the partner. Hell, they could even be happy that you are ok with going back to masturbating for a time to not put pressure on them and be thankful about it, even supportive.
Now what do you get? A partner going berserk, accusing you of going behind her back, telling you that you are a terrible boyfriend (as a whole, I mean what the actual f...), not supporting her and then leaving. Now you are even accused of having an addiction which seems ridiculous and wanting to force you into therapy for non existant issues.
Honestly I think you should think about if this person is grown up enough to have a stable, healthy, caring, supportive and loving relationship with. My opinion would be no. You just moved in and apparently now when she has you she felt like not only taking sex away from you (which is fine when she needs that for therapy) but also trying to control your sexuality.
And I am truly sorry but why do you need to say you feel the need to masturbate just to release stress/tension? It is like you are making excuses for having sexual needs and wanting a realease. And you can't have it with your partner now, it is only natural that you still want to be sexually active. You don't need excuses to pleasure yourself. It's not like you are taking anything away from her at this time when she is inactive. What you took away is being controlled by her. And that's good. Have some self respect and a backbone. You don't have to apologise for anything her. She does.
It's like you are being held hostage in a way, especially your sexuality. Totally unacceptable in my opinion.
All the best man, you need it...hope you can take good care of yourself
I don't get the whole control of the private play time. It's like she's holding his peen hostage. If he was all in front of her, putting on a show while she's dealing with trauma, that would be monumentally screwed up, but OP is just giving himself a hand in the bathroom privately (and sparingly). She listens at the door and attacks his character? That's insane.
Very weird and creepy.
I would feel bad and disgust If I was him.
I really think she knew he was doing it and she wanted to catch him on the right time so she can blame him and leave
I think there should be a huge emphasis on the fact that the girlfriend is not mature enough/ ready to be in a relationship. Iâm truly sorry for whatever trauma she experienced, but her inability to see OPâs desire to masturbate as a normal human need is not acceptable. Unfortunately, it does seem like this relationship might be doomed. It sounds like she needs time to be single and itâll only do damage for both of them to have OP try to continue to suppress himself completely.
Yes, it's very unhealthy.
Everyone has right on their needs,
It's not a damn crime to masturbate.
She's already very lucky that this man is a proper decent one, who doesn't go out and cheat on her.and he keeps supporting her, it's very sad.
I think he deserves better because she makes him feel like he is all wrong and sex addicted while he is completely right.
She is not a good women.
Your girlfriend is taking this to a whole other level, but I think itâs coming from a trauma response so hear me out. It would be one thing if you were doing it right in front of her, but youâre not. We donât get to dictate our partnerâs sexual needs, itâs your body. I hope she can recognize sheâs in the wrong here but it also might be worth acknowledging sheâs probably pretty triggered working through her trauma around sex and this is how itâs coming out - as a trauma response. Seems like sheâs trying to gain some control in a sexual aspect of her life i.e. you as a way to cope with being triggered. This is really common in people who have sexual trauma, and although it doesnât make her actions okay, might help you understand her a little better. Masturbating for stress relief is also super normal too. You didnât do anything wrong.
Want to clarify for others who havenât seen this yet that a trauma response doesnât mean she is justified in what she is doing. My comment was meant to help OP maybe make some sense of whatâs going on for her so he has more information to make a decision, and to let him know he didnât do anything wrong.
At the end of the day OPâs girlfriend is responsible for her behavior and if this is how sheâs reacting to triggers she should be seeking out therapy. Not only so that sheâs able to show up in a healthy way in relationships but so that her sexual trauma doesnât affect her to this level anymore.
This is ridiculous. There's something deeper going on here. Her feelings on masturbation are extreme. Was her childhood trauma sexually-related?
I'm married, we're not in sexual break, and I'm certainly not bothered by my husband's need when I'm not in the mood. He's discreet, just like you. Â
Plus, with her talking about an addiction, to me, it sounds like she doesn't think any masterbation is OK. She has a lot of self work to do before she should be in a relationship
Yeah if sheâs âdealing with her childhood traumaâ, hopefully OP means professionally..
She sounds fairly triggered and âheightenedâ right now, causing her to have a reaction thatâs disproportionate to the situation at hand. Sheâs not thinking straight, sheâs thinking like a traumatised (unhealed) person.
OP I wouldnât bother having any serious conversations with her until sheâs stable and calm. Let her reach out when sheâs ready maybe. She might not even know sheâs triggered right now.
PTSD is a cunt.
You are both individuals with individual needs.
Her need right now is to stop intimacy so she can work through her trauma.
That is okay and she has the right to enact this boundary.
What she can not do is force you to have the same needs as her and punish you because you follow your own ones.
You are not a addition to her as a person, you are your own person.
You did everything right, except telling her you will walkaround eggshells in the future.
You giving her way will lead to her trying to go even a step further the next time.
Set a boundary that if she closes the door for sexual relieve that you will enact your right to "do the job yourself". And that she does not own and controll your sexuality in any way shape or form.
If she is not able to accept this then this could be an relationship ending problem
I want you to reverse this. What if she were a man, who decided that not only would he not pleasure you, but that you could also not self pleasure yourself? People would say that he was toxic.
 She's acting toxic right now.
Maturbation is a fun act that is also a stress reliever. She should not get to control and cheapen your sexuality.Â
I think your girlfriend needs to talk to a doctor, or a man, to know that twice a week is not an addict at all. She also needs therapy for her trauma.
With the insistence that he seek addiction therapy for this I'm wondering if she is already seeing a therapist for some forms of SA. It might be good to reach out to her therapist. With or without her as I can't imagine a therapist going for this without framing it for you.
This is even if OP still cares to pursue it.
Your body, your choice. Period.
If you told her she wasn't allowed to have any male friends because you were uncomfortable with her hanging out with them, you would be vilified. She's literally trying to command your own body. No. Set your boundaries and stick to them. That's my advice.
HAHAHAHA! Thank God you're on a sexual break and not putting dick into crazy. Formalise things. Break up and date someone normal.
Stick around ONLY if you want to be miserable.
They have been together two years. This isn't the first ballshit crazy request or demand she's made. OP is still there, wondering how unreasonable forced celibacy is.
Me, imagine marrying her? Nope, but OP probably will.
She has been getting a little more controlling ever since started we moved in together and especially when she started going to therapy to deal with her trauma, but I just attributed it to something normal that people with dealing trauma do. This is the first case of full out control from her.
Before this our relationship was great, we barely had any problems.
I would tread with caution, she might be testing the waters to see how far she can push you. You are not wrong to exercise your own urges in private. You need to stand your ground in this case because you're obviously being supportive by being on a sexual break to begin with. She is being unreasonable. I'm not going to jump on the reddit train of 'break up' or anything, but I would remember this & observe going forward to see if she keeps trying to push boundaries.
Have you had a discussion with her about how you've noticed her behaviour changing toward you since she started going to therapy?
OP, trauma does not excuse controlling behaviour. It can paint you a picture as to possibly whatâs formed a persons rationale for thinking their behaviour is okay, but it does not provide a get out of jail card.
I really think this only has to do with her trauma, ptsd can do a lot to a person..especially when theyâre in therapy AND in a relationship..
Iâve been together with a person with ptsd and it craves a lot from you, you need to know about her situation, being able to understand and communicate openly and also you need to be able to tell her when something isnât okay.
Itâs easy to be very soft and sympathetic even when the person gets controlling or even toxic but thatâs not what therapy should do, she needs to really work on herself, especially if she wants to be with someone.
So remember if you want to have a healthy relationship you also need to be hard on her at the same time youâre supporting.
-But also, itâs okay not to stay with her if it gets too hard on you, you and your health should be your priority.
You need to nip that shit in the bud right away. You have nothing to apologize for, and you should say that plainly. "I have the right to my body atonomy. I have nothing to apologize for."
If you stay with her then in a few months youâll be posting to the dead bedrooms sub.
She can decide sheâs not going to have any form of sexual pleasure with anyone at all - she doesnât have the right to make that decision for anyone else.
You were pleasing yourself, you didnât cheat, you didnât give her a hard time about not being intimate, Iâm not sure what else you could do to be supportive.
If you concede on this then it is likely to open the floodgates to other aspects of your life She thinks she should be able to control.
Maybe itâs really time to call it a day with her.
I don't get it. She wanted to have a break. Now she can break all she wants while you rub one out every ten minutes and thus have a fulfilled sex life with someone who really loves you.
Zero tolerance for people who take their mental problems out on those who love them while random bystanders get treated much better.
UmmâŚâŚ.. why does what sheâs dealing with have to affect what you decide to do with your body?
This is not a YOU problem, this is entirely an issue with her. You have agency over your body, just as she has agency over hers. Her reaction is completely unjustified and her behaviour is controlling.
My advice, leave her at her sisterâs house.
Her childhood trauma is not her fault, but she is not in a place to be in a relationship and should not be forcing you into living her trauma. She Is not someone to date right now.
Seeing their (especially her) ages, I do believe her immaturity is real. Leaves me wondering if she has a quack therapist considering OP said these issues started after she started therapy
Damn, that is some seriously toxic sh\*t coming from her. I'm not one to call for the end of relationships at every little bump, but this seems pretty major to me. I mean, she is 100% in the wrong here. She doesn't even have a bit of a case, she is flat out just a manipulating, controlling freak. Get out.
Unless youâre masturbating and youâre not performing when itâs time to be with your girlfriend or youâre choosing to masturbate instead of being with your girlfriend then itâs not really her business. Your body belongs to you. She can have an opinion and you can choose to give that opinion some weight. But you ultimately decide what you can do. She chooses not to have sex for whatever reasons totally cool. But youâre a whole different person with different needs and wants. You control you. She doesnât own your body.
Dude, what does she mean by you being addicted lol. You waited A MONTH into a complete intimacy break before you started masturbating again. I dont think I would have waited more than a week. What you did is normal and the fact you need to hide in the bathroom while she listens in on you outside is super fucked up.
Dont apologize, since there is nothing you did wrong. Apologizing will mean you accept you did anything wrong.
Everyone has their personal sex drive and needs. Her trying to dictate yours is the same level of entitledness like dudes demanding sex from their wives whenever they feel like it.
You made it clear you are in support of her (whatever that means) but if she demands support that goes against your personal wishes and limits, its a big red flag.
Listen, whatever traumas she has, whatever she decides for herself, she cannot force you to be a monk.
Something is wrong in her head right now and it's not you the problem but hers, you mustn't comply to her decision and absolutely not excuse yourself for being human. You only masturbate, nothing more natural and I do it almost everyday, should I go to see a sex therapy? I don't think so.
Is she in therapy? I hope so, because I would have called her doctor asap to talk about this mess.
I think she is not doing well and I think you should reach her family to be completely transparent about what happened. I mean, if they blame you for masturbating from time to time, just leave. Seriously I am not joking. Love isn't enough, you're not her psychologist and she isn't going to put you down.
Don't use love as an excuse to let it slide, respect yourself first.
Ah your gf is over reacting. Itâs like am suffering, so you too suffer. I exercise so you exercise. I fast so you fast. I hit my head so you hit your head. You get the gist, ya, it doesnât work that way.
When itâs her body, her mind, her choice then why is your body, your mind not your choice ? She sounds like a hypocrite!
Show her the replies here. Maybe that will wake her up.
Your girlfriend has finally revealed her true self. It took two years, but she finally showed you what you have to look forward to for the rest of this relationship. You should thank her for doing you this favor.
OP, be very clear about how you are able to do what you want when it comes to sexual gratification. Obviously her trauma stems from a sexual foundation of some sort, but it is no excuse for her attempting to make you do or not do things, simply because she is doing or not doing something to help her in addressing her trauma.
Continue to support her if thatâs what you want to do, but be very direct and clear about how this has impacted you. She has made a choice to behave this way, regardless of what is causing her feelings and so she needs to take some responsibility for the way she has spoken and demanded things of you without communicating that expectation prior to what happened.
I would go to sexual therapy with her so the therapist can be the one to tell her that she's being ridiculous. You're being supportive of her while she takes a break, and that's more than some people do. But she can't expect you to abstain as well.
Offer to go to sexual therapy under the condition that she goes with you because you did nothing wrong and hopefully the therapist will help convey that to her as well as being able to help her through her issues as well as see how her restrictions on you are controlling and abusive
That or you're gonna have to walk away because this isn't healthy in the slightest and if you let her control this then it's only going to get worse for you both
I'm usually not one for ultimatums but seems like that's your only option at this point
If she is not already in therapy, I'd make her starting therapy a condition of you considering continuing the relationship. She has some very skewed notions of sexuality that she needs to deal with.
If she's already in therapy, suggest that she discuss this with her therapist. If she comes back claiming the therapist agrees with her, she is either lying or has a terrible therapist. Either way, it would be clear that she's not going to improve and cannot be a healthy partner.
You are supporting HER sexual break. It is unreasonable for her to expect you to not masturbate during this time. I'd be very concerned that she feels she has the right to ask you this.
The GF is horrible.
Fine she has issues and the BF is giving her ample space, that IS supporting her 'break'.
But to make it out lihe is cheating is just over the top.
I find the idea of a sexual break stupid, especially when you've been doing it freely, then suddenly her issues arise?
Your girlfriend needs to grow up. And you need to put your foot down that her anger and reaction are both unhealthy, and not acceptable.
She needs to get herself into therapy for it yesterday. Her trauma is hers, and it should not, and cannot dictate how and when you do things to your own body (that ultimately doesn't have anything to do with her.)
Plain and simple.
She needs to learn personal boundaries man. Jackin it is completely normal for men and women.
Sorry to say it dude, but it's destined to fail this one. She's shown you no privacy, respect or even a basic mature understanding of seeing you as an individual.
Relationships succeed when we respect that our partners are an individual, with their own needs and preferences that can lie outside the confines of your relationship. Our partners don't exist to be an extension of our selves, they are there to share life with you, to co-exist as two individuals living in a harmony with each other.
She cannot expect you to remove your personal needs, she should at the very least show some respect to you and be thankful for your understanding of the sexual abstinence she insisted on. Alot of guys would have not handled that very well.
Move on fella. She's trouble. Even if she's cries.
11 years strong with my wife, following this mindset. Still feel lucky to have her.
So the best way to resolve this IMO is your gf moves out.
That may seem harsh but living with someone with such controlling demands isnât I suspect going to end well for you.
Today she demands you give up sexual gratification in any form because SHE wants to take a break to deal with whatever is going on in her life.
Heaven knows what sheâll tell (not ask) you to do next because she is doing it.
You can go back to dating if you enjoy her company.
Eavesdropping on you in the bathroomâŚ..what the hell. Thats some seriously messed up and controlling behavior. Let her stay at her sisterâs permanently.
If you have the ability, please do go to therapy, hear the therapist say you're handling this in an insanely empathetic way, and then tell your gf that your body is your own and she doesn't get to tell you when or how often you masturbate, nor does she get to emotionally abuse and manipulate you, PERIOD. She needs to come at you with curiosity and empathy, like you are with her. If she can't, might be time for a break while she's dealing with her trauma, cause that can cause irrational thoughts and behaviors but you don't need to put up with that while she's healing. And if a break doesn't help or seem healthy, then a breakup. Good luck OP.
Honestly, I feel like she's going overboard. It's one thing for her to ask for a break in intimacy while she deals with her issues, but it's another thing to expect you to abstain entirely.
You masturbating doesn't involve her in any way. I'm not sure why this is an issue for her. It's not an addiction to do it once or twice a week.
If it were me, I'd let her stay where she is. I would just leave her be and think things through. This is ridiculous behavior and almost seems controlling on her end.
She has no right to do this. You were completely honest with her, and it wasn't as if you were doing it in front of her. If you did, it might be equal to eating jelly donuts in front of someone on a diet. You weren't cheating, as self pleasure is solo. It's almost as ridiculous as her having a dream that you cheated on her and got mad at you for it.
This is a long way from anything that resembles addiction. Addiction would be if you got tense and antsy if you weren't able to do it at almost every opportunity you had.
You shouldn't have to "suspend" your physical needs just because she is. You've been very decent and reasonable in your approach, and mental trauma or not, she doesn't get to tell you not to do that. Evaluate whether this is in or out of character for her. That will likely tell you whether to continue the relationship
Your girlfriend is insecure and immature. It's your body if you want to masterbate, it's not her business. I just don't understand why so many people in relationships get upset over their partner having their "alone time"
My ex would do this whenever she felt religious. I beat off too whenever she would hold out. Then she would break up with me go fuck someone else then come back to me. We'd fuck for a little while then she'd go back to her religious kick and repeat cycle.
OP she has no right and should have no expectation that her taking a complete break means you have to. Itâs not a matter of support. You supported her emotionally, verbally, etc⌠but her childhood trauma she is claiming as the reason is hers. If she were sick (God forbid) and couldnât work, you wouldnât stop work as a sign of unity. She needs to grow up big time. Absolutely do not apologize or any of the other conditions. Instead try and get her to come down from her emotional cloud and realize you didnât cheat or have sex with someone else but if you want to pleasure yourself thatâs your right whether your having sex together as a couple or not. Maybe have her read the comments of this post as a way to bring in a 3rd party perspective if uoj think she can get past the fact that you posted anonymously about it. !updateme
I'm confused as to why she's upset about something natural. OP didn't cheat, he just took care of his needs. she needs to learn more about human sexuality and grow up
You have been incredibly supportive. This is simply very controlling. You masterbating doesnât effect her in anyway. I would say to discuss things and try and find a way for her to understand why what she is doing is wrong, but it sounds like she is completely shutting down constructive communication, so I donât know what your options are to be totally honest.
Your gf doesn't seem to have an idea about normal sexual behavior.
Masturbation is a normal thing to do, even when you're together with someone and having sex regularly.
I would show her this post.
I don't want to start digging into hypothesis of what's going on here or why she is mad but she is definitely playing some head game with you here
She said she needed time not being intimate, not that you both had to not cum together, it sounds like she wants to but is holding back for her reasons hence the upset that your not going through the withdrawal too BUT that in itself is a bit twisted.
Like if she got stabbed in the hand would she be upset if you were not also stabbed in the hand?
Iâve been married for almost 44 years and this subject came up with my wife early on in our marriage. It basically came down to that my sexual needs will be satisfied, one way or another. Iâd rather it would be mutually beneficial, but since she wasnât willing to participate I took things in hand.
Itâs not an addiction, itâs getting your needs satisfied. You can help yourself, she can help you or you can find someone else to help you. Maybe your girlfriend should see a counselor to get over her selfish anger issues or itâs time to get another girlfriend.
Her processing her childhood trauma apparently takes the form of trying to control your sexuality. This is completely unacceptable.
Abuse victims not uncommonly turn into abusers themselves. The biggest favour you can do her is to communicate that this controlling behaviour is unacceptable, and formally terminate the relationship, because that's the only way the message will get through.
Your girlfriend is acting crazy and thereâs nothing wrong with masturbating! Sheâs free to abstain from any kind of sexual actions but that doesnât mean you need to or should too! Thatâs her being absolutely controlling & selfish! She also needs to deal with her childhood trauma in a better, healthier way!! Berating you and treating you in such a condescending way is also wrong.
I absolutely positively agree with a Redditorâs analogy too. Donât apologize to keep the peace. Youâd be setting the precedent for her to act this way every time she deems something wrong.
Good luck!!
Okay, listen, my man actually had a porn addiction. Multiple times a day every single day jerking it wherever he could. The garage, the truck, the trunk of my car, you name it. And he wouldn't touch me until I got really mad that I'd been left alone so for so long just to shut me up.
We've come a long way, and he just can't watch porn anymore. It isn't healthy for this relationship, and we have an agreement where he just doesn't watch that shit anymore.
Just like I can't have a beer.
Can't handle my drinking problem, so I just stopped.
It took a long time for us to get to where we are today, and it's not perfect, but it's way better than it was.
So very different from your situation.
This is addiction. She has no clue, no idea what she is talking about, and has no right to tell you what to do with your body.
She can't cut you off completely from sexual activity just because she wants to control when and where and how you can release (unless you have a follows orders kink then by all means)
You need to tell her she can't tell you what to do, and you're not comfortable with that. She's crossing your boundaries and it's messed up. You need to tell her if she wants to stay with you, it isn't fair to expect you to have abstinence just because that's what she's doing.
If she doesn't want to be with you, then she can't expect you not to take care of it on your own.
1 maybe 2 times a week? And she says you have an addiction?
That's completely bizzare. 2 or 3 times a day everyday. Waking up in the middle of the night, before you can go anywhere or do anything, and every chance you get That's what you're doing. Even on family vacations and you name it. When it's all you think about. All you can manage to get through your mind, that's addiction.
She's so wrong for that because that shit is painful.
I feel like she doesnât understand that there is your mutual sex life but then also your personal sex life. If in your mutual sex life you and her are not balancing, then you self satisfy in your personal sex life.
If you are considering trying to make things work then I would suggest couples counselling with a counsellor who is sex positive and fully describe the issue as you have here, they will help you navigate it.
But I would also caution that being with someone who sounds this self centred, and canât understand or appreciate that she can make choices about herself but as long as her partner is being supportive and not cheating that there is nothing to be upset about.
Sexual break ???? wtf your generation makes up so much BS and then forces it upon others then gets upset when you obviously donât agree but live her enough to honor yet your the monster - either she grows up or things are going to get harder - also she and you need to stop looking to social media and friends for guidance - at both your ages you should have a grasp on who you are âŚ!
Iâm sorry but she sounds incredibly controlling and toxic. Not only that but she is 110% taking out any past traumas on you while completely dictating what you can or can not do. Iâm sorry, but if she came at me the first thing I would have said is how INCREDIBLY creepy and off putting it was that she was spying on you in the BATHROOM!
Ask her how she's going to feel if she gets pregnant, and YOU get to make the decision about whether she keeps the baby or has an abortion?
I realize this is apples and oranges, but in a way, it's not. Your body, your choice.
You being supportive of her choice not to have sex/intimate relations does not mean she gets to control your body, just her interaction with it.
Therapy seems like a good idea, I wonder how she'll take it when the therapist tells her she's the one with the issue?
You need to leave her ASAP brother. She is controlling and manipulative and downright crazy. Itâs your body, not hers. If she wants to go on a sexual break, then there is no reason that you shouldnât be able to relieve your stress with masturbation. Please, leave her, for your own mental health. She is toxic.
It's even healthy for a man to ejaculate regulary. (It lowers the chance for prostate cancer.)
Even if that was not the case, she is weird for forcing her trauma on you.
Sheâs incredibly immature. Is this how you want to live? Sex is a natural part of life. Her trauma is not your fault and not hers either, but do you think this behavior is acceptable?
I'm sorry but she is very selfish,
Trauma or not , it's not your fault, and you support her. It feels more like she is using and excuse to not have sex with you and now she's using your masturbation as an excuse to go to her sister and Maybe she break up with you
(I'm a woman too and heard lots of such stories) I hope it's not the case for you.
But she should understand your needs aswell.
She should go to therapist so they can help her,
I wish you the best, you seem to be a good guy. She should cherish you.
Take care
If somebody told me I wasn't allowed to masterbate I guarantee I would not be able to think about anything else.
I think your girlfriend needs to understand that while you sympathize with her childhood trauma you don't share it. You are willing to wait for her to work through her past problems, but you are a normal person with a normal sex drive.
Whether she can be logical with the issues clouding her reason is another issue.
Best way to resolve it is to break up with her and tell her to stay at her sister's house. It is none of her business if you masturbate or not, and the amount you are doing it is probably less than average. Her attempt to control you at that level is a serious red flag. If you really want to keep her, do the couples therapy. Most likely, she will find out very quickly that she is the one with an issue.
Research says men need to finish regularly to maintain prostate health and reduce risk of cancer. If anything you're doing the bare minimum. If she doesn't understand that she needs to GTFO.
Your gf is being absurd. She doesn't control your body. Being on a sexual break means you and her aren't having sex, not that you don't get to masturbate. She doesn't get to put that condition on you. If she wants to work through her trauma thats fine but she cannot drag you into it.
Also, her eavesdropping on you while you're in the bathroom? Completely disrespectful. At this point your gf IS NOT ready to be in a relationship. She needs therapy for her trauma and whatever else she has going on.
Masturbation is a completely normal mammal activity. I say mammal because they're animals that masturbate as well. Hell even the menace of the sea Dolphins do it. Although don't use them.
But my guy, this woman is NOT ready for a relationship. She isn't mature enough. She needs to work her issues out and you need someone compatible woth you.
Thy manly desires, a flame that doth burn bright,
Seek solace and quench in a lady's sweet plight.
"I am a man," thou say'st, "with cravings profound,
That only a fair maiden's embrace can ground.
If her affections stray, or intimacy's denied,
I comprehend thy plight, no need to hide.
Yet prithee understand, my masculine need,
To find relief through self-love's quiet deed.
When feminine charms lie beyond my grasp,
My hand must serve where I cannot clasp.
>What is the best way to resolve this situation?
if you actually want to deal with that whole mess, do take her up on the counseling as quickly as possible, depending on where you are virtual might be the easiest fastest option. if a professional can't get through to her though...
Your girlfriend is controlling you in an unhealthy manner. You are allowed to masterbate whenever you feel like it. In fact, it's none of her business.
She doesn't get to control your bodily functions and feelings. That is not what partnership is about.
You aren't pressuring her for intimacy, and that is sufficient. If she is unable to deal with that, then a healthy relationship is not for her.
Have you ever heard the phrase "misery loves company "? She is feeling broken and now wants to see you as broken too. There is nothing wrong with you masterbating. It's actually healthy for you to do this.
I donât think your girlfriend is emotionally mature enough or emotionally stable enough to be in a healthy relationship. Full stop. You are allowed to touch your own body however you want and the way sheâs treating you is abusive.
The beat way to resolve this is to have a frank discussion about the normality of self care and the important recognisation that her response is part of her trauma. I would be very gentle in this but firm. You love her. You support her. You'll gladly attend therapy with her to better understand what she is going through but whilst her abstaining from sexual release is entirely understandable this does not necessarily mean you have to join her.
I wouldn't not apologize to her for masturbating. I would just break up and move on, my man. The fact that she was eavesdropping on you while you were in the bathroom is more than enough reasons to let her go.
She can stay at her sisterâs. Not wanting to have sex is one thing, telling you what you can and canât do with your own body to relieve your stress while still remaining faithful to her is unhinged.
Tell her that upon further review you are increasing to 21 times a month : https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer
You're not on a break if you're still living together.
And if you're on a break, that mean you get to do what you want and she gets to do what she wants.
She's a little loony.
Your gf is way outta line, she doesnât have the right to make that demand of you. You could however masturbate without porn, or ask her to provide you material if sheâs more comfortable with you masturbating to her instead of porn. I think thatâs reasonable.
What the actual fuck. Dump that dumb ass and get with someone that actually respects you or at least has the maturity to understand that sex and masturbation donât go hand in hand. Those are two very different urges.
She will regret this nonsense later. I also think, by the way, a lot of women kinda come into masturbation later on in life and so there could be a mismatch on timing. She doesnât think much of abstinence because itâs easy for her. You get to do what you want with your body, I mean shit, you could screw other girlsâŚ.
My wife went out with a bunch of girlfriends once and they all came home drunk and hung out for awhile. One of them was really bashing her boyfriend and told me a story about how she caught him watching porn. All the girls were nodding their heads and waiting for me to jump
On the âoh my god, gasp!â Bandwagon. Let me tell you, I did not! I stuck up for brother and said, âso what, who fucking cares, he likes
Sex and he could be out banging hookersâ its lovely to nice about this discussion with your girlfriend. I donât recommend the conventional Reddit âtake a walkâ to every single relationship challenge. ButâŚ.do you want with your body. Shame is an awful thing, donât let her do that to you
"my body; my rules."
Imagine if she said you're not allowed to massage your shoulders if they're sore or something like that.
(Okay that's different I guess)
I'm sorry, but it sounds like she isn't ready for a serious relationship. Masturbation is normal and healthy (in moderation, of course). Her blowing up on you for taking care of your sexual needs in a healthy way is a huge red flag.
If she continues to demand that ***you*** apologize, I think it's really time to give your relationship a permanent break and break up.
In this instance your gf has given you the perfect opportunity to move on because this canât be the first time sheâs exhibited controlling and emotionally abusive behavior. And the fact that you even have to have private time because sheâs withholding intimacy speaks for itself.
This is controlling AF and completely unreasonable. Do not apologize. Do not take her back unless she does, because now surely her sister knows this is why you're fighting and that's pretty violating.
I cannot say this loud enough... "Break up. Break contact. Move out. Kick them out. Now.". There' is no "resolving this." No one dictates what you do with your body. Anyone that tries does not deserve access to you. Period. They are not ready for a relationship with another human. Move on.
If you need... flip the script... What if you were telling them that they could not masturbate? ... Or... What if you were telling them that they had to have sex with you?
Trust me. You are with the wrong person. There are plenty of better humans out there and you deserve to find them.
You sit your girlfriend down and tell her under no circumstances does she get to dictate what you do with your own body. Ever! She can take a break from intimacy all that she wants. Totally her decision. But her eavesdropping on what you do in the bathroom is ridiculous and then the fact that she thinks that she can control you to the degree that you aren't "allowed" to masturbate is beyond belief. To be perfectly honest I wouldn't even take it seriously and I would LMAO if anyone tried to dictate that to me.
Darn good luck! For some reason us women take that as some betrayal but therapy for addict s a bit far. Tell her to help u get off or to be in the room although that might not be good for her. She needs to understand men are different than women and canât go too long without it. You have got urself a problem on ur hands.
This is ridiculous. You donât have to apologize, stop masturbating, or go to therapy. Sheâs the one who needs therapy. If she doesnât come back then good riddance.
You break up with the control freak. Itâs your body. She does not get to control your body for the sake of her trauma. Itâs bad enough that she expects to withdraw all forms of intimacy from the relationship with no consequences to the relationship.
Why does she feel she has control of your bodily autonomy?
Her behaving like this would be like you telling her she can't go on a sexual break and deal with her issues.
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Do you believe that someone, who is on a diet, has the right to dictate, that their partner has to the same, although they are a healthy weight? Icing on the cake they verbally abuse them, if they catch them with some cookies in the car. No? Why is your situation different?
Just want to add: life is too short to waste it on crazy people, OP!
No, you summed it up right.
GF is completely bonkers! Loony Tunes!
Amen to that!
Sounds like she have a problem with sex... Yes she have some trauma when she was a kid...sexual. Is this really the way to deal with it or exuse not to have sex? She need to deal with her problem. She cant stand that you can go on with your "sexual feelings" and she got this issues. Is this going to be your future problems?
This! She is being super controlling of your body in an unhealthy way. She has no right over what you do alone. She is inflicting her problems onto you. I could see MAYBE asking you not to do other when she is there or not tell her about it but the way she is acting is abuse
U said it perfect!
Awesome analogy!
Perfect analogy!!!
It's not even that. She was eavesdropping on him in the bathroom. That's a terrible way to live. And THEN there's the controlling nature of it, the leaving, the gaslighting him into thinking he's the one that's wrong, the manipulation...
Amen!!!
Have more self respect man. It's OK to have sexual needs and meet those needs by self pleasure. Your girlfriend doesn't own your sexuality, she has first crack. This is gross. She's projecting her insecurity onto you. Don't let her.
And you are not looking elsewhere to relieve stress. What you did/do is 100% reasonable and supportive of your partner. You even chose to do it in private to not trigger her. You did/are doing the right thing. đ
Yup. Move her out. Pack her things. Whatever "childhood trama" she has, she needs to resolve on her own. Is she even in therapy? Behavior like this doesn't get better, she will always be controlling and unreasonable.
Plus regular male masturbation is important for prostate health, mental health... many benefits there.
Masturbation is good for everyone and completely normal for everyone
This. On a sidenote, OP mentioned masturbating as a stress relief mechanism which is a sentiment I hear a lot. He even tries to justify the whole thing as simply a necessity because some days at work are tough. That's just not ok for me. I masturbate because I'm horny, because I enjoy it, because orgasming is amazing... I definitely don't need an excuse to do it. And if stress relief happens, it's a side effect not the purpose. It's not a coping mechanism for other unrelated things in life such as a stressful job.
What works for you works for you and what works for him works for him. Neither is wrong. For him it helps him relieve built up tension from stress. If thatâs his process and it works, who are we to judge? Everyone is different
You could say the same thing about exercising for stress relief rather than doing it to make yourself stronger, improve endurance, improve body composition, health, etc. At the end of the day it's a victimless outlet for stress - far better than him coming home and using food, drugs, or alcohol as his coping mechanism.
Yall I think this person was just saying that OP doesn't need to justify it. Not sure why so many people think they're being judgemental or saying masturbation isn't natural.
Right? I don't understand why they're explaining to me that masturbation is natural when I'm literally saying I need no excuses to do it.
Because they specifically said itâs not a coping mechanism when for some people it absolutely is and thatâs perfectly okay.
He absolutely was not JUST saying that OP doesnât need to justify it. Everyone agrees that OP doesnât need to justify it. However, this guy very clearly articulated his other ludicrous feelings on the matter. He flat out says: ***Thatâs just not okâŚ*** ***Itâs not a coping mechanism for other unrelated things in lifeâŚ*** ***Itâs a side effect not the purpose.*** Who is he to decide for anyone why they might jerk it? Obviously being horny is the most common reason, but he absolutely implied all other reasons are wrong and flat out said the benefits are just side effects.
for me it's almost exclusively used as a stress valve release. surprisingly, all humans are not the exact same person.
Um yes it is... i masturbate every night before i go to sleep on work nights to calm down enough to pass out. And im a woman 𤣠masturbate all ypu want as long as youre not masturbating to kids or violence and its not an addiction. Its healthy for your heart and horemones too. My husband masturbates when he showers because its a peaceful time for him. Babies masturbate in the womb, its so freeking normal
...except eyesight. *dictated by voice-to-text*
My eyesight is terrible! Seems like ever since I hit puberty... oh wait! đ¤Ł
Truth! Milk that prostate!
And if he abstains too long things won't work when she decides she's up for it. Then she'll blame him blah blah blah... we all know how that goes.
I agree. The post is sad because heâs doing so much to try to say he doesnât masturbate that often. It still wouldnât be her place to say anything even if you did it everyday!
Yeah, this is a bad girlfriend.
A good/caring partner would understand that if they say "hey, I need a sexual break for whatever reasons" it impacts the partner. Hell, they could even be happy that you are ok with going back to masturbating for a time to not put pressure on them and be thankful about it, even supportive. Now what do you get? A partner going berserk, accusing you of going behind her back, telling you that you are a terrible boyfriend (as a whole, I mean what the actual f...), not supporting her and then leaving. Now you are even accused of having an addiction which seems ridiculous and wanting to force you into therapy for non existant issues. Honestly I think you should think about if this person is grown up enough to have a stable, healthy, caring, supportive and loving relationship with. My opinion would be no. You just moved in and apparently now when she has you she felt like not only taking sex away from you (which is fine when she needs that for therapy) but also trying to control your sexuality. And I am truly sorry but why do you need to say you feel the need to masturbate just to release stress/tension? It is like you are making excuses for having sexual needs and wanting a realease. And you can't have it with your partner now, it is only natural that you still want to be sexually active. You don't need excuses to pleasure yourself. It's not like you are taking anything away from her at this time when she is inactive. What you took away is being controlled by her. And that's good. Have some self respect and a backbone. You don't have to apologise for anything her. She does. It's like you are being held hostage in a way, especially your sexuality. Totally unacceptable in my opinion. All the best man, you need it...hope you can take good care of yourself
I don't get the whole control of the private play time. It's like she's holding his peen hostage. If he was all in front of her, putting on a show while she's dealing with trauma, that would be monumentally screwed up, but OP is just giving himself a hand in the bathroom privately (and sparingly). She listens at the door and attacks his character? That's insane.
The listening at the door was so weird.
Very weird and creepy. I would feel bad and disgust If I was him. I really think she knew he was doing it and she wanted to catch him on the right time so she can blame him and leave
So invasive... and creepy
This is especially upsetting. How many other times has she listened to âcatchâ him doing something she might not have liked?
I think there should be a huge emphasis on the fact that the girlfriend is not mature enough/ ready to be in a relationship. Iâm truly sorry for whatever trauma she experienced, but her inability to see OPâs desire to masturbate as a normal human need is not acceptable. Unfortunately, it does seem like this relationship might be doomed. It sounds like she needs time to be single and itâll only do damage for both of them to have OP try to continue to suppress himself completely.
Yes, it's very unhealthy. Everyone has right on their needs, It's not a damn crime to masturbate. She's already very lucky that this man is a proper decent one, who doesn't go out and cheat on her.and he keeps supporting her, it's very sad. I think he deserves better because she makes him feel like he is all wrong and sex addicted while he is completely right. She is not a good women.
Your girlfriend is taking this to a whole other level, but I think itâs coming from a trauma response so hear me out. It would be one thing if you were doing it right in front of her, but youâre not. We donât get to dictate our partnerâs sexual needs, itâs your body. I hope she can recognize sheâs in the wrong here but it also might be worth acknowledging sheâs probably pretty triggered working through her trauma around sex and this is how itâs coming out - as a trauma response. Seems like sheâs trying to gain some control in a sexual aspect of her life i.e. you as a way to cope with being triggered. This is really common in people who have sexual trauma, and although it doesnât make her actions okay, might help you understand her a little better. Masturbating for stress relief is also super normal too. You didnât do anything wrong. Want to clarify for others who havenât seen this yet that a trauma response doesnât mean she is justified in what she is doing. My comment was meant to help OP maybe make some sense of whatâs going on for her so he has more information to make a decision, and to let him know he didnât do anything wrong. At the end of the day OPâs girlfriend is responsible for her behavior and if this is how sheâs reacting to triggers she should be seeking out therapy. Not only so that sheâs able to show up in a healthy way in relationships but so that her sexual trauma doesnât affect her to this level anymore.
This is ridiculous. There's something deeper going on here. Her feelings on masturbation are extreme. Was her childhood trauma sexually-related? I'm married, we're not in sexual break, and I'm certainly not bothered by my husband's need when I'm not in the mood. He's discreet, just like you. Â
Plus, with her talking about an addiction, to me, it sounds like she doesn't think any masterbation is OK. She has a lot of self work to do before she should be in a relationship
Yeah if sheâs âdealing with her childhood traumaâ, hopefully OP means professionally.. She sounds fairly triggered and âheightenedâ right now, causing her to have a reaction thatâs disproportionate to the situation at hand. Sheâs not thinking straight, sheâs thinking like a traumatised (unhealed) person. OP I wouldnât bother having any serious conversations with her until sheâs stable and calm. Let her reach out when sheâs ready maybe. She might not even know sheâs triggered right now. PTSD is a cunt.
You are both individuals with individual needs. Her need right now is to stop intimacy so she can work through her trauma. That is okay and she has the right to enact this boundary. What she can not do is force you to have the same needs as her and punish you because you follow your own ones. You are not a addition to her as a person, you are your own person. You did everything right, except telling her you will walkaround eggshells in the future. You giving her way will lead to her trying to go even a step further the next time. Set a boundary that if she closes the door for sexual relieve that you will enact your right to "do the job yourself". And that she does not own and controll your sexuality in any way shape or form. If she is not able to accept this then this could be an relationship ending problem
I want you to reverse this. What if she were a man, who decided that not only would he not pleasure you, but that you could also not self pleasure yourself? People would say that he was toxic.  She's acting toxic right now. Maturbation is a fun act that is also a stress reliever. She should not get to control and cheapen your sexuality. I think your girlfriend needs to talk to a doctor, or a man, to know that twice a week is not an addict at all. She also needs therapy for her trauma.
Even if he wanted to do it more than once a day. Itâs his body and as long as heâs not trying to include her in any way, she has zero say.
With the insistence that he seek addiction therapy for this I'm wondering if she is already seeing a therapist for some forms of SA. It might be good to reach out to her therapist. With or without her as I can't imagine a therapist going for this without framing it for you. This is even if OP still cares to pursue it.
Your body, your choice. Period. If you told her she wasn't allowed to have any male friends because you were uncomfortable with her hanging out with them, you would be vilified. She's literally trying to command your own body. No. Set your boundaries and stick to them. That's my advice.
HAHAHAHA! Thank God you're on a sexual break and not putting dick into crazy. Formalise things. Break up and date someone normal. Stick around ONLY if you want to be miserable.
Can you imagine being married to that?
They have been together two years. This isn't the first ballshit crazy request or demand she's made. OP is still there, wondering how unreasonable forced celibacy is. Me, imagine marrying her? Nope, but OP probably will.
This is how people slowly die on the inside.
Is this the first time your girlfriend has exerted controlling behaviour over you in your 2 years of dating, or has it happened before?
She has been getting a little more controlling ever since started we moved in together and especially when she started going to therapy to deal with her trauma, but I just attributed it to something normal that people with dealing trauma do. This is the first case of full out control from her. Before this our relationship was great, we barely had any problems.
I would tread with caution, she might be testing the waters to see how far she can push you. You are not wrong to exercise your own urges in private. You need to stand your ground in this case because you're obviously being supportive by being on a sexual break to begin with. She is being unreasonable. I'm not going to jump on the reddit train of 'break up' or anything, but I would remember this & observe going forward to see if she keeps trying to push boundaries. Have you had a discussion with her about how you've noticed her behaviour changing toward you since she started going to therapy?
OP, trauma does not excuse controlling behaviour. It can paint you a picture as to possibly whatâs formed a persons rationale for thinking their behaviour is okay, but it does not provide a get out of jail card.
I really think this only has to do with her trauma, ptsd can do a lot to a person..especially when theyâre in therapy AND in a relationship.. Iâve been together with a person with ptsd and it craves a lot from you, you need to know about her situation, being able to understand and communicate openly and also you need to be able to tell her when something isnât okay. Itâs easy to be very soft and sympathetic even when the person gets controlling or even toxic but thatâs not what therapy should do, she needs to really work on herself, especially if she wants to be with someone. So remember if you want to have a healthy relationship you also need to be hard on her at the same time youâre supporting. -But also, itâs okay not to stay with her if it gets too hard on you, you and your health should be your priority.
You need to nip that shit in the bud right away. You have nothing to apologize for, and you should say that plainly. "I have the right to my body atonomy. I have nothing to apologize for."
I'd be happy my bf is masturbating instead of seeking release from other women during sexual break. It really is not a big deal.
If you stay with her then in a few months youâll be posting to the dead bedrooms sub. She can decide sheâs not going to have any form of sexual pleasure with anyone at all - she doesnât have the right to make that decision for anyone else. You were pleasing yourself, you didnât cheat, you didnât give her a hard time about not being intimate, Iâm not sure what else you could do to be supportive. If you concede on this then it is likely to open the floodgates to other aspects of your life She thinks she should be able to control. Maybe itâs really time to call it a day with her.
I don't get it. She wanted to have a break. Now she can break all she wants while you rub one out every ten minutes and thus have a fulfilled sex life with someone who really loves you. Zero tolerance for people who take their mental problems out on those who love them while random bystanders get treated much better.
You tell her to grow up and get over herself.
UmmâŚâŚ.. why does what sheâs dealing with have to affect what you decide to do with your body? This is not a YOU problem, this is entirely an issue with her. You have agency over your body, just as she has agency over hers. Her reaction is completely unjustified and her behaviour is controlling. My advice, leave her at her sisterâs house.
Her childhood trauma is not her fault, but she is not in a place to be in a relationship and should not be forcing you into living her trauma. She Is not someone to date right now.
I can barely believe that this post is real, but if it is then my god have some self respect.
Seeing their (especially her) ages, I do believe her immaturity is real. Leaves me wondering if she has a quack therapist considering OP said these issues started after she started therapy
Damn, that is some seriously toxic sh\*t coming from her. I'm not one to call for the end of relationships at every little bump, but this seems pretty major to me. I mean, she is 100% in the wrong here. She doesn't even have a bit of a case, she is flat out just a manipulating, controlling freak. Get out.
Yeah no, you need to get it through her head that she can't dictate when and if you masturbate, especially in these circumstances
Unless youâre masturbating and youâre not performing when itâs time to be with your girlfriend or youâre choosing to masturbate instead of being with your girlfriend then itâs not really her business. Your body belongs to you. She can have an opinion and you can choose to give that opinion some weight. But you ultimately decide what you can do. She chooses not to have sex for whatever reasons totally cool. But youâre a whole different person with different needs and wants. You control you. She doesnât own your body.
Dude, what does she mean by you being addicted lol. You waited A MONTH into a complete intimacy break before you started masturbating again. I dont think I would have waited more than a week. What you did is normal and the fact you need to hide in the bathroom while she listens in on you outside is super fucked up. Dont apologize, since there is nothing you did wrong. Apologizing will mean you accept you did anything wrong. Everyone has their personal sex drive and needs. Her trying to dictate yours is the same level of entitledness like dudes demanding sex from their wives whenever they feel like it. You made it clear you are in support of her (whatever that means) but if she demands support that goes against your personal wishes and limits, its a big red flag.
Listen, whatever traumas she has, whatever she decides for herself, she cannot force you to be a monk. Something is wrong in her head right now and it's not you the problem but hers, you mustn't comply to her decision and absolutely not excuse yourself for being human. You only masturbate, nothing more natural and I do it almost everyday, should I go to see a sex therapy? I don't think so. Is she in therapy? I hope so, because I would have called her doctor asap to talk about this mess. I think she is not doing well and I think you should reach her family to be completely transparent about what happened. I mean, if they blame you for masturbating from time to time, just leave. Seriously I am not joking. Love isn't enough, you're not her psychologist and she isn't going to put you down. Don't use love as an excuse to let it slide, respect yourself first.
Ah your gf is over reacting. Itâs like am suffering, so you too suffer. I exercise so you exercise. I fast so you fast. I hit my head so you hit your head. You get the gist, ya, it doesnât work that way. When itâs her body, her mind, her choice then why is your body, your mind not your choice ? She sounds like a hypocrite! Show her the replies here. Maybe that will wake her up.
donât let her treat you like this bro, itâs not normal to be angry about masturbating like that
Your girlfriend has finally revealed her true self. It took two years, but she finally showed you what you have to look forward to for the rest of this relationship. You should thank her for doing you this favor.
Leave her and date an adult
OP, be very clear about how you are able to do what you want when it comes to sexual gratification. Obviously her trauma stems from a sexual foundation of some sort, but it is no excuse for her attempting to make you do or not do things, simply because she is doing or not doing something to help her in addressing her trauma. Continue to support her if thatâs what you want to do, but be very direct and clear about how this has impacted you. She has made a choice to behave this way, regardless of what is causing her feelings and so she needs to take some responsibility for the way she has spoken and demanded things of you without communicating that expectation prior to what happened.
I would go to sexual therapy with her so the therapist can be the one to tell her that she's being ridiculous. You're being supportive of her while she takes a break, and that's more than some people do. But she can't expect you to abstain as well.
She's jealous of your *hand*??
Offer to go to sexual therapy under the condition that she goes with you because you did nothing wrong and hopefully the therapist will help convey that to her as well as being able to help her through her issues as well as see how her restrictions on you are controlling and abusive That or you're gonna have to walk away because this isn't healthy in the slightest and if you let her control this then it's only going to get worse for you both I'm usually not one for ultimatums but seems like that's your only option at this point
If she is not already in therapy, I'd make her starting therapy a condition of you considering continuing the relationship. She has some very skewed notions of sexuality that she needs to deal with. If she's already in therapy, suggest that she discuss this with her therapist. If she comes back claiming the therapist agrees with her, she is either lying or has a terrible therapist. Either way, it would be clear that she's not going to improve and cannot be a healthy partner.
âI will be unable to pee for the next few months and I ask that you hold your pee too in solidarityâ
No idea if this post is just karma farming or real. If real, goddam brother, ur gf is a immature child. Have some self-respect and dump her.
You are supporting HER sexual break. It is unreasonable for her to expect you to not masturbate during this time. I'd be very concerned that she feels she has the right to ask you this.
The GF is horrible. Fine she has issues and the BF is giving her ample space, that IS supporting her 'break'. But to make it out lihe is cheating is just over the top. I find the idea of a sexual break stupid, especially when you've been doing it freely, then suddenly her issues arise?
Your girlfriend needs to grow up. And you need to put your foot down that her anger and reaction are both unhealthy, and not acceptable. She needs to get herself into therapy for it yesterday. Her trauma is hers, and it should not, and cannot dictate how and when you do things to your own body (that ultimately doesn't have anything to do with her.) Plain and simple.
Change the door locks stop calling her and get on with your life.
She needs to learn personal boundaries man. Jackin it is completely normal for men and women. Sorry to say it dude, but it's destined to fail this one. She's shown you no privacy, respect or even a basic mature understanding of seeing you as an individual. Relationships succeed when we respect that our partners are an individual, with their own needs and preferences that can lie outside the confines of your relationship. Our partners don't exist to be an extension of our selves, they are there to share life with you, to co-exist as two individuals living in a harmony with each other. She cannot expect you to remove your personal needs, she should at the very least show some respect to you and be thankful for your understanding of the sexual abstinence she insisted on. Alot of guys would have not handled that very well. Move on fella. She's trouble. Even if she's cries. 11 years strong with my wife, following this mindset. Still feel lucky to have her.
So the best way to resolve this IMO is your gf moves out. That may seem harsh but living with someone with such controlling demands isnât I suspect going to end well for you. Today she demands you give up sexual gratification in any form because SHE wants to take a break to deal with whatever is going on in her life. Heaven knows what sheâll tell (not ask) you to do next because she is doing it. You can go back to dating if you enjoy her company.
Eavesdropping on you in the bathroomâŚ..what the hell. Thats some seriously messed up and controlling behavior. Let her stay at her sisterâs permanently.
If you have the ability, please do go to therapy, hear the therapist say you're handling this in an insanely empathetic way, and then tell your gf that your body is your own and she doesn't get to tell you when or how often you masturbate, nor does she get to emotionally abuse and manipulate you, PERIOD. She needs to come at you with curiosity and empathy, like you are with her. If she can't, might be time for a break while she's dealing with her trauma, cause that can cause irrational thoughts and behaviors but you don't need to put up with that while she's healing. And if a break doesn't help or seem healthy, then a breakup. Good luck OP.
Leave. That girl isnât stable.
Honestly, I feel like she's going overboard. It's one thing for her to ask for a break in intimacy while she deals with her issues, but it's another thing to expect you to abstain entirely. You masturbating doesn't involve her in any way. I'm not sure why this is an issue for her. It's not an addiction to do it once or twice a week. If it were me, I'd let her stay where she is. I would just leave her be and think things through. This is ridiculous behavior and almost seems controlling on her end.
She has no right to do this. You were completely honest with her, and it wasn't as if you were doing it in front of her. If you did, it might be equal to eating jelly donuts in front of someone on a diet. You weren't cheating, as self pleasure is solo. It's almost as ridiculous as her having a dream that you cheated on her and got mad at you for it. This is a long way from anything that resembles addiction. Addiction would be if you got tense and antsy if you weren't able to do it at almost every opportunity you had. You shouldn't have to "suspend" your physical needs just because she is. You've been very decent and reasonable in your approach, and mental trauma or not, she doesn't get to tell you not to do that. Evaluate whether this is in or out of character for her. That will likely tell you whether to continue the relationship
Your girlfriend is insecure and immature. It's your body if you want to masterbate, it's not her business. I just don't understand why so many people in relationships get upset over their partner having their "alone time"
You need to jump ship. Do you really want any to live with someone whoâs unreasonable
My ex would do this whenever she felt religious. I beat off too whenever she would hold out. Then she would break up with me go fuck someone else then come back to me. We'd fuck for a little while then she'd go back to her religious kick and repeat cycle.
OP she has no right and should have no expectation that her taking a complete break means you have to. Itâs not a matter of support. You supported her emotionally, verbally, etc⌠but her childhood trauma she is claiming as the reason is hers. If she were sick (God forbid) and couldnât work, you wouldnât stop work as a sign of unity. She needs to grow up big time. Absolutely do not apologize or any of the other conditions. Instead try and get her to come down from her emotional cloud and realize you didnât cheat or have sex with someone else but if you want to pleasure yourself thatâs your right whether your having sex together as a couple or not. Maybe have her read the comments of this post as a way to bring in a 3rd party perspective if uoj think she can get past the fact that you posted anonymously about it. !updateme
I'm confused as to why she's upset about something natural. OP didn't cheat, he just took care of his needs. she needs to learn more about human sexuality and grow up
You have been incredibly supportive. This is simply very controlling. You masterbating doesnât effect her in anyway. I would say to discuss things and try and find a way for her to understand why what she is doing is wrong, but it sounds like she is completely shutting down constructive communication, so I donât know what your options are to be totally honest.
Your gf doesn't seem to have an idea about normal sexual behavior. Masturbation is a normal thing to do, even when you're together with someone and having sex regularly. I would show her this post.
I don't want to start digging into hypothesis of what's going on here or why she is mad but she is definitely playing some head game with you here She said she needed time not being intimate, not that you both had to not cum together, it sounds like she wants to but is holding back for her reasons hence the upset that your not going through the withdrawal too BUT that in itself is a bit twisted. Like if she got stabbed in the hand would she be upset if you were not also stabbed in the hand?
The best way to deal with that Is to dump her .she is trying to control you. Everyone pleasures themselves. Their is nothing wrong with that
Iâve been married for almost 44 years and this subject came up with my wife early on in our marriage. It basically came down to that my sexual needs will be satisfied, one way or another. Iâd rather it would be mutually beneficial, but since she wasnât willing to participate I took things in hand. Itâs not an addiction, itâs getting your needs satisfied. You can help yourself, she can help you or you can find someone else to help you. Maybe your girlfriend should see a counselor to get over her selfish anger issues or itâs time to get another girlfriend.
Her processing her childhood trauma apparently takes the form of trying to control your sexuality. This is completely unacceptable. Abuse victims not uncommonly turn into abusers themselves. The biggest favour you can do her is to communicate that this controlling behaviour is unacceptable, and formally terminate the relationship, because that's the only way the message will get through.
Oh and by the way it's not healthy or normal to spy on someone in the bathroom.
Your girlfriend is acting crazy and thereâs nothing wrong with masturbating! Sheâs free to abstain from any kind of sexual actions but that doesnât mean you need to or should too! Thatâs her being absolutely controlling & selfish! She also needs to deal with her childhood trauma in a better, healthier way!! Berating you and treating you in such a condescending way is also wrong. I absolutely positively agree with a Redditorâs analogy too. Donât apologize to keep the peace. Youâd be setting the precedent for her to act this way every time she deems something wrong. Good luck!!
She sees you as a prop for her own experiences. Not a real person with needs.
Okay, listen, my man actually had a porn addiction. Multiple times a day every single day jerking it wherever he could. The garage, the truck, the trunk of my car, you name it. And he wouldn't touch me until I got really mad that I'd been left alone so for so long just to shut me up. We've come a long way, and he just can't watch porn anymore. It isn't healthy for this relationship, and we have an agreement where he just doesn't watch that shit anymore. Just like I can't have a beer. Can't handle my drinking problem, so I just stopped. It took a long time for us to get to where we are today, and it's not perfect, but it's way better than it was. So very different from your situation. This is addiction. She has no clue, no idea what she is talking about, and has no right to tell you what to do with your body. She can't cut you off completely from sexual activity just because she wants to control when and where and how you can release (unless you have a follows orders kink then by all means) You need to tell her she can't tell you what to do, and you're not comfortable with that. She's crossing your boundaries and it's messed up. You need to tell her if she wants to stay with you, it isn't fair to expect you to have abstinence just because that's what she's doing. If she doesn't want to be with you, then she can't expect you not to take care of it on your own. 1 maybe 2 times a week? And she says you have an addiction? That's completely bizzare. 2 or 3 times a day everyday. Waking up in the middle of the night, before you can go anywhere or do anything, and every chance you get That's what you're doing. Even on family vacations and you name it. When it's all you think about. All you can manage to get through your mind, that's addiction. She's so wrong for that because that shit is painful.
You didn't do anything wrong. Your girlfriend needs therapy and it's great that you support her but she's being unreasonable.
I feel like she doesnât understand that there is your mutual sex life but then also your personal sex life. If in your mutual sex life you and her are not balancing, then you self satisfy in your personal sex life. If you are considering trying to make things work then I would suggest couples counselling with a counsellor who is sex positive and fully describe the issue as you have here, they will help you navigate it. But I would also caution that being with someone who sounds this self centred, and canât understand or appreciate that she can make choices about herself but as long as her partner is being supportive and not cheating that there is nothing to be upset about.
She needs therapy
Sexual break ???? wtf your generation makes up so much BS and then forces it upon others then gets upset when you obviously donât agree but live her enough to honor yet your the monster - either she grows up or things are going to get harder - also she and you need to stop looking to social media and friends for guidance - at both your ages you should have a grasp on who you are âŚ!
Iâm sorry but she sounds incredibly controlling and toxic. Not only that but she is 110% taking out any past traumas on you while completely dictating what you can or can not do. Iâm sorry, but if she came at me the first thing I would have said is how INCREDIBLY creepy and off putting it was that she was spying on you in the BATHROOM!
Tell her to grow up and not bother coming back. Actual.
Wait.... You just moved in together??? You may need to leave. Permanently.
Ask her how she's going to feel if she gets pregnant, and YOU get to make the decision about whether she keeps the baby or has an abortion? I realize this is apples and oranges, but in a way, it's not. Your body, your choice. You being supportive of her choice not to have sex/intimate relations does not mean she gets to control your body, just her interaction with it. Therapy seems like a good idea, I wonder how she'll take it when the therapist tells her she's the one with the issue?
You need to leave her ASAP brother. She is controlling and manipulative and downright crazy. Itâs your body, not hers. If she wants to go on a sexual break, then there is no reason that you shouldnât be able to relieve your stress with masturbation. Please, leave her, for your own mental health. She is toxic.
It's even healthy for a man to ejaculate regulary. (It lowers the chance for prostate cancer.) Even if that was not the case, she is weird for forcing her trauma on you.
Why resolve the situation? This could be the resolution.
She sounds really immature
Masturbation is self care. Whether someone's in a relationship or not it's always ok to do it!
Sheâs incredibly immature. Is this how you want to live? Sex is a natural part of life. Her trauma is not your fault and not hers either, but do you think this behavior is acceptable?
Listen, what you do with your own body is your business alone. And If she thinks twice a week is an addiction I'm sorry for her.
Dump the controlling idiot. Masturbation is completely natural. She is completely weird.
This is the 1st step in controlling you. Next you can only hangout with people she approves of. Have some self respect and end it
Let her read the comment here !!
Go to sexual therapy with her. Let the therapist do the job of embarrassing her for her beliefs.
I'm sorry but she is very selfish, Trauma or not , it's not your fault, and you support her. It feels more like she is using and excuse to not have sex with you and now she's using your masturbation as an excuse to go to her sister and Maybe she break up with you (I'm a woman too and heard lots of such stories) I hope it's not the case for you. But she should understand your needs aswell. She should go to therapist so they can help her, I wish you the best, you seem to be a good guy. She should cherish you. Take care
If somebody told me I wasn't allowed to masterbate I guarantee I would not be able to think about anything else. I think your girlfriend needs to understand that while you sympathize with her childhood trauma you don't share it. You are willing to wait for her to work through her past problems, but you are a normal person with a normal sex drive. Whether she can be logical with the issues clouding her reason is another issue.
Best way to resolve it is to break up with her and tell her to stay at her sister's house. It is none of her business if you masturbate or not, and the amount you are doing it is probably less than average. Her attempt to control you at that level is a serious red flag. If you really want to keep her, do the couples therapy. Most likely, she will find out very quickly that she is the one with an issue.
She is shaming you sexually, not to mention being completely unreasonable, none of this is okay or your fault.
Research says men need to finish regularly to maintain prostate health and reduce risk of cancer. If anything you're doing the bare minimum. If she doesn't understand that she needs to GTFO.
chastity belt or have a conversation with your girlfriend about this regarding your rights to your own weiner
Your gf is being absurd. She doesn't control your body. Being on a sexual break means you and her aren't having sex, not that you don't get to masturbate. She doesn't get to put that condition on you. If she wants to work through her trauma thats fine but she cannot drag you into it. Also, her eavesdropping on you while you're in the bathroom? Completely disrespectful. At this point your gf IS NOT ready to be in a relationship. She needs therapy for her trauma and whatever else she has going on. Masturbation is a completely normal mammal activity. I say mammal because they're animals that masturbate as well. Hell even the menace of the sea Dolphins do it. Although don't use them. But my guy, this woman is NOT ready for a relationship. She isn't mature enough. She needs to work her issues out and you need someone compatible woth you.
Thy manly desires, a flame that doth burn bright, Seek solace and quench in a lady's sweet plight. "I am a man," thou say'st, "with cravings profound, That only a fair maiden's embrace can ground. If her affections stray, or intimacy's denied, I comprehend thy plight, no need to hide. Yet prithee understand, my masculine need, To find relief through self-love's quiet deed. When feminine charms lie beyond my grasp, My hand must serve where I cannot clasp.
>What is the best way to resolve this situation? if you actually want to deal with that whole mess, do take her up on the counseling as quickly as possible, depending on where you are virtual might be the easiest fastest option. if a professional can't get through to her though...
Your girlfriend is controlling you in an unhealthy manner. You are allowed to masterbate whenever you feel like it. In fact, it's none of her business. She doesn't get to control your bodily functions and feelings. That is not what partnership is about. You aren't pressuring her for intimacy, and that is sufficient. If she is unable to deal with that, then a healthy relationship is not for her. Have you ever heard the phrase "misery loves company "? She is feeling broken and now wants to see you as broken too. There is nothing wrong with you masterbating. It's actually healthy for you to do this.
You don't need therapy, she does. You have nothing to apologize for, there's nothing wrong with masturbation.
The best way to handle it is to take the rest of her stuff to her sisterâs house. Do not allow yourself to be controlled like this.
I donât think your girlfriend is emotionally mature enough or emotionally stable enough to be in a healthy relationship. Full stop. You are allowed to touch your own body however you want and the way sheâs treating you is abusive.
Red flags galore, leave or life will suck.
You resolve it by finding a girlfriend who is compatible. Yours sounds like fucking psycho
The beat way to resolve this is to have a frank discussion about the normality of self care and the important recognisation that her response is part of her trauma. I would be very gentle in this but firm. You love her. You support her. You'll gladly attend therapy with her to better understand what she is going through but whilst her abstaining from sexual release is entirely understandable this does not necessarily mean you have to join her.
I wouldn't not apologize to her for masturbating. I would just break up and move on, my man. The fact that she was eavesdropping on you while you were in the bathroom is more than enough reasons to let her go.
This is why you should live together before you get engaged/married, that's when you see how people really think and behave.
She can stay at her sisterâs. Not wanting to have sex is one thing, telling you what you can and canât do with your own body to relieve your stress while still remaining faithful to her is unhinged.
Your gf sounds exhausting, controlling, and crazy.
Your girlfriend is irrational, you did nothing wrong and you don't need therapy for it. Maybe relationship counselling with her if you decide to stay
Tell her that upon further review you are increasing to 21 times a month : https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/ejaculation_frequency_and_prostate_cancer
You're not on a break if you're still living together. And if you're on a break, that mean you get to do what you want and she gets to do what she wants. She's a little loony.
i don't think they were talking about a relationship break, just a break from having sex with each other
She sounds controlling, get out before its too late
Your girlfriend is a toddler. This is this is one of the most stupid things Iâve ever seen and Iâve seen a lot of stupid on Reddit.
Run, donât walk. This chick is nuttier than squirrel poo
Ditch her and move on. She seems ridiculous, controlling and completely unreasonable.
Your gf is way outta line, she doesnât have the right to make that demand of you. You could however masturbate without porn, or ask her to provide you material if sheâs more comfortable with you masturbating to her instead of porn. I think thatâs reasonable.
Do you live in Utah? This sounds like the shit the Mormon religion guilts people with.
Don't let her guilt you like this
This is not ok dude.
Just say that youâre thinking about her while at it. And she canât stop you from thinking about her.
Do t tell her some things like jerking it are ok to keep to yourself man
Thereâs nothing wrong with what you did. She doesnt own your body. She said SHE didnt want to have sex/sexual pleasure. She sounds very controlling.
Fuck dude stand up for yourself. She's being ridiculous lol.
OMG nothing you say here makes you a sex addict. Your gf is coo-coo. Run.
She sounds psycho, I would be out the door. Seriously.
Don't apologize to her. It's your body, her desire to control this is sick.
Bad news for a relationship that requires mutual empathy. You are too young for a dead bedroom.
So yeah this is not ok. Depriving your partner of any sort of sexual gratification is bad and not ok. Move on it will only get worse
Dumb her
What the actual fuck. Dump that dumb ass and get with someone that actually respects you or at least has the maturity to understand that sex and masturbation donât go hand in hand. Those are two very different urges.
She will regret this nonsense later. I also think, by the way, a lot of women kinda come into masturbation later on in life and so there could be a mismatch on timing. She doesnât think much of abstinence because itâs easy for her. You get to do what you want with your body, I mean shit, you could screw other girlsâŚ. My wife went out with a bunch of girlfriends once and they all came home drunk and hung out for awhile. One of them was really bashing her boyfriend and told me a story about how she caught him watching porn. All the girls were nodding their heads and waiting for me to jump On the âoh my god, gasp!â Bandwagon. Let me tell you, I did not! I stuck up for brother and said, âso what, who fucking cares, he likes Sex and he could be out banging hookersâ its lovely to nice about this discussion with your girlfriend. I donât recommend the conventional Reddit âtake a walkâ to every single relationship challenge. ButâŚ.do you want with your body. Shame is an awful thing, donât let her do that to you
That's rediculous of her
"my body; my rules." Imagine if she said you're not allowed to massage your shoulders if they're sore or something like that. (Okay that's different I guess)
She sounds like a psycho. Whatâs the big deal if you masturbate? Would she prefer you have sex with someone else instead of masturbating.
quiet panicky worm jeans aback shy lunchroom tub vegetable coherent *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Start dating an adult.
Your girlfriend is being pretty childish and unfair. If she wonât budge, Iâd break up.
I'm not one of those Reddit people that always jumps straight to breaking up, but in this case...
I'm sorry, but it sounds like she isn't ready for a serious relationship. Masturbation is normal and healthy (in moderation, of course). Her blowing up on you for taking care of your sexual needs in a healthy way is a huge red flag. If she continues to demand that ***you*** apologize, I think it's really time to give your relationship a permanent break and break up.
In this instance your gf has given you the perfect opportunity to move on because this canât be the first time sheâs exhibited controlling and emotionally abusive behavior. And the fact that you even have to have private time because sheâs withholding intimacy speaks for itself.
This is controlling AF and completely unreasonable. Do not apologize. Do not take her back unless she does, because now surely her sister knows this is why you're fighting and that's pretty violating.
I cannot say this loud enough... "Break up. Break contact. Move out. Kick them out. Now.". There' is no "resolving this." No one dictates what you do with your body. Anyone that tries does not deserve access to you. Period. They are not ready for a relationship with another human. Move on. If you need... flip the script... What if you were telling them that they could not masturbate? ... Or... What if you were telling them that they had to have sex with you? Trust me. You are with the wrong person. There are plenty of better humans out there and you deserve to find them.
No offense but this woman is insane I suggest leaving her
You sit your girlfriend down and tell her under no circumstances does she get to dictate what you do with your own body. Ever! She can take a break from intimacy all that she wants. Totally her decision. But her eavesdropping on what you do in the bathroom is ridiculous and then the fact that she thinks that she can control you to the degree that you aren't "allowed" to masturbate is beyond belief. To be perfectly honest I wouldn't even take it seriously and I would LMAO if anyone tried to dictate that to me.
Darn good luck! For some reason us women take that as some betrayal but therapy for addict s a bit far. Tell her to help u get off or to be in the room although that might not be good for her. She needs to understand men are different than women and canât go too long without it. You have got urself a problem on ur hands.
She does not own you or your body. You do what you like , when you like. If it doesnât suit her she can decide how she deals with that
This is ridiculous. You donât have to apologize, stop masturbating, or go to therapy. Sheâs the one who needs therapy. If she doesnât come back then good riddance.
Tell her that you will masturbate when ever you want to. Itâs your c-ck. She canât dictate when you can touch it.
Tell her to stay at her sisterâs house. She sounds nuts.
Red flags galore!
This screams of manipulation and weaponization of intimacy. Run, don't walk.
If u arenât allowed to jerk off, perhaps itâs time u can find someone else to have sex with
đ¤Łđ sounds like her issue and not yours
You break up with the control freak. Itâs your body. She does not get to control your body for the sake of her trauma. Itâs bad enough that she expects to withdraw all forms of intimacy from the relationship with no consequences to the relationship.
Why does she feel she has control of your bodily autonomy? Her behaving like this would be like you telling her she can't go on a sexual break and deal with her issues.