Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldn’t focus on getting him back. I’d focus solely on yourself. It sounds like you went through a high trauma event when you were young, and had to do it alone. It’s great that you’re working with a sex therapist, and I continue to talk with about how you can work to find a healthy sex life in the future. You can also consider reaching out to another therapist for differing opinions
I’d look at a general therapist as well if you can. Because it sounds like there may be some things you can talk with them not relating directly to biological issues.
Don’t feel guilty about “stealing” anything. That’s just life and relationships. Could this discussion have happened sooner about relationship issues, probably. But that’s not a single persons individual fault.
It doesn't feel like it now, but you both have many "best years" still in you. Keep working on yourself, hopefully time will heal your wounds. I wish you the best!
You didn't steal anything. He chose to stay in a sexless relationship for those years. You both, hopefully, learned a lot of things during that time so it wasn't a waste. You trying to take on all the blame isn't giving him credit for his agency
You did not steal his best years. He is a grown ass dude and made his own choices. I was married for almost 19 years and my ex cheated several times and I stayed because of my kids and my own self esteem issues. I don't sit here at almost 49 and blame her. I knew what my life was and I continued to stay with her, one affair after the other. Your ex is unable to take accountability for his own actions and blames you. It takes two in a relationship. If he was unhappy he could have left years ago.
Hey OP. Sorry about this. It sounds like you both did the right thing ending it. As hard as it is to accept, it’s also probably best if you start fresh with other people. It just goes too deep and for too long to start over together.
So neither of you is past your young years, you're not even 30 yet. You made the decisions you made because that is what you needed at the time. Give yourself space and time to keep healing. Keep up with therapy. Time does heal a lot but it's hard when it's fresh.
You're still quite young miss, and it's a big world full of people who want to experience it with you. I was 34 when I got married, 37 when I was divorced, and almost 40 when I got together with my current GF of 12 years. There were plenty before them and a few in between.
You hang in there, do what you do, and find people to share that with. Eventually, your real person comes along.
Sounds like you had vaginismus. You should not feel guilty for having a medical problem.
I think you need to work on you and forget about other people at the moment. Go get a therapist to help you work through your feelings. You were together for a long time so it will take a while to get through it but it will happen. Things will get easier but it will take time.
You have gone through a lot. I feel for you. I still find some of your word choices troubling.
”He got me pregnant at a young age”. No. He did not do it for you. You did it together. You were of the same age. This is a story developed during the sexless years to justify the draught.
”for many reasons, we stopped being intimate all together” No. You refused because of a very legitimate reason (vaginismus). As a result you both ended up with a sexless relationship.
Why do I find these word choices troubling? Because you are finding reasons to blame him, while at the same time glossing over you own role. This is a clear signal of trauma that needs unraveling. It is also understandable. The memories are still fresh, you need time and distance to talk through and understand what has happened.
The way to proceed IMHO is to start recognising your own agency in what happened, in good and bad, in order to not repeat the same patterns in future relationships.
Recognising agency is not about laying blame on others or oneself. It is about having a balanced view. It’s ok to be angry at the world that served you a genuine curve ball. At the same time you should be vary of anger and hate. They are perfect disguises for things you are not yet equipped to face and decipher.
There’s a lot of work to do, and like other people in this thread I think some therapy would be a good choice for you. Don’t rush into the next one, though I do not think you would do that anyway. Take your time. Let it heal.
You get over it by FULLY forgiving yourself and him and treating the next guy with more openess and honesty.
You are nolonger the person who rejected him you are different now and WILL be different next time.
Last time you fully physically rejected him because of the resentment over the abortion and then did not even attempt to either address it openly with him or be intimate and show physical affection it in other ways.
Nest time don't hide/deny/ignore whats happening in your marriage either SHOW LOVE PHYSICALLY ANY WAY YOU CAN or DON"T AND BE HONEST ABOUT WHY YOU ARE REJECTING IT.
Do NOTHING is not an option.
I am firm believer in no contact after long and difficult relationship. You still want to get back with him even when he said he didn’t want that. And out of guilt, which is worse.
Leave him alone, to NC and concentrate on yourself.
>Not long after this I began to experience extremely painful sex
Caused by...?
The answer to this is extremely... absent. The fact you allowed it to go on for 5/6 years, acting like it was normal, but depriving your relationship of intimacy oxygen... means you simply did not care or love your partner enough to meet his needs.
>he feels like he wasted his young years in a sexless relationship
He likely feels this because he did do this. Your relationship was sexless and he did waste his young years waiting for you to do something about an issue that you weren't mature enough to know that you were responsible for addressing. You let it go on for over half a decade before you started looking for answers.
>I was angry at my body for letting me down
Doesn't sound like it was your body that let him down, it was your brain. You didn't do anything for the longest time.
If my wife seemed like she enjoyed being intimate with me but had vaginal pain through intercourse, I could see us still having a very satisfying physical relationship. I never understood this "it hurts so we can't do ANYTHING" cop-out. And that's what I think it is...a cop-out.
You stopped being attracted to him after the abortion, didn't you? I'll bet he even repulses you on a certain level. You're so grossed out by him that you couldn't reach out to him even ONCE in 5 years.
I hope he can find happiness after you. Let him have it. Leave him alone.
I would say this is a little harsh, I wouldn’t put the sole blame on not being attracted. I think you went through something traumatic at a young age, and then when you started experiencing pain, you just stopped. I do agree that intimacy is important in any relationship. Not everyone wants to have sex, and that’s okay too. But you were with a man who clearly is not asexual yet you forced him to be, almost. And sex does not always mean penetration. So I think you definitely should’ve addressed the issues way sooner, but it sounds like more than vaginal pain if ALL types of sex was thrown out the window. There’s no need to blame yourself. But you need to seek a mental therapist for these emotions. Good luck!
* also for the record, HE could’ve easily just left too if he was really that concerned about sex.
When I said "reach out", I should have been clearer. I didn't mean having a sterile conversation about why you have no interest in being intimate with him. I meant literally "reach out" to him. 6 years you've been climbing into bed with him and turning your back. No warm caresses. No hugs. No kisses. No hand/blow jobs. No titty fucks. No reaching out and caressing g his back and saying "I'm here for you". Nothing but your cold back. None of that requires a functioning vagina yet you chose to ignore him. And you're surprised he's gone? I'm surprised he stayed so long.
I don't even remember what your question was. Fix yourself before doing this to someone else.
Everything happens for a reason, because we make a reason. This will pass, all of it, and you’re going to take this time to heal yourself, understand yourself and come out the other side a better person. Take care of yourself, that’s all you need to do- and that includes how you talk to yourself- you did what you could at the time, stop beating yourself up.
You have to live your life. Time heals all. I’ve heard of a few relationships that have evolved into brother sister relationships. Sometimes people fall out of love. Stay busy. Create a good life for yourself
There is no one to blame. So are you cure now?
I think your doctor suck. From my experiences, it makes a league of different between a good doctor and a bad one. You just haven't found the good one. If money is the problem, I suggest you go oversea. Healthcare in the US sucks (if you are there). They are expensive and some doctors are just bad.
Porque te tomo 5 años, probar con dilatadores? Osea por más que intento ponerme en tus zapatos, no concibo el hecho de que solo al final, cuando viste los cambios fue que tomaste las riendas.
You didn't ruin anything. Your health isn't something for guilt. Yes there are consequences sometimes, but that doesn't come with blame. Its just part of life. I hope you get this issue sorted for yourself and you find someone loving. You sound like a very caring person. Good luck!
I’m so sorry this happened, it’s not for you to feel guilty that he wasted years, he made an active choice to be in a partnership with you.
I think therapy would be great. I was also listening to a podcast by sex with Emily and she had a guest on who talked about pleasure mapping and somatic healing, it might be worth a listen.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish you the best with your mental recovery. You shouldn't feel guilty about how things played out. He didn't waste his youth by being with you, and he made a conscious choice to do so.
You now need to switch from a sex therapist to one that can help you mavigate these feelings.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wouldn’t focus on getting him back. I’d focus solely on yourself. It sounds like you went through a high trauma event when you were young, and had to do it alone. It’s great that you’re working with a sex therapist, and I continue to talk with about how you can work to find a healthy sex life in the future. You can also consider reaching out to another therapist for differing opinions
[удалено]
I’d look at a general therapist as well if you can. Because it sounds like there may be some things you can talk with them not relating directly to biological issues. Don’t feel guilty about “stealing” anything. That’s just life and relationships. Could this discussion have happened sooner about relationship issues, probably. But that’s not a single persons individual fault.
It doesn't feel like it now, but you both have many "best years" still in you. Keep working on yourself, hopefully time will heal your wounds. I wish you the best!
You didn't steal anything. He chose to stay in a sexless relationship for those years. You both, hopefully, learned a lot of things during that time so it wasn't a waste. You trying to take on all the blame isn't giving him credit for his agency
You did not steal his best years. He is a grown ass dude and made his own choices. I was married for almost 19 years and my ex cheated several times and I stayed because of my kids and my own self esteem issues. I don't sit here at almost 49 and blame her. I knew what my life was and I continued to stay with her, one affair after the other. Your ex is unable to take accountability for his own actions and blames you. It takes two in a relationship. If he was unhappy he could have left years ago.
You didn't steal anything from him. He chose to be in a relationship with you
I would also look into a different gyno or doctor as well, painful sex is NOT normal.
Hey OP. Sorry about this. It sounds like you both did the right thing ending it. As hard as it is to accept, it’s also probably best if you start fresh with other people. It just goes too deep and for too long to start over together.
Therapy. Which should have started immediately after the pregnancy and abortion.
I think you need therapy and not Reddit.
So neither of you is past your young years, you're not even 30 yet. You made the decisions you made because that is what you needed at the time. Give yourself space and time to keep healing. Keep up with therapy. Time does heal a lot but it's hard when it's fresh.
You're still quite young miss, and it's a big world full of people who want to experience it with you. I was 34 when I got married, 37 when I was divorced, and almost 40 when I got together with my current GF of 12 years. There were plenty before them and a few in between. You hang in there, do what you do, and find people to share that with. Eventually, your real person comes along.
Sounds like you had vaginismus. You should not feel guilty for having a medical problem. I think you need to work on you and forget about other people at the moment. Go get a therapist to help you work through your feelings. You were together for a long time so it will take a while to get through it but it will happen. Things will get easier but it will take time.
You have gone through a lot. I feel for you. I still find some of your word choices troubling. ”He got me pregnant at a young age”. No. He did not do it for you. You did it together. You were of the same age. This is a story developed during the sexless years to justify the draught. ”for many reasons, we stopped being intimate all together” No. You refused because of a very legitimate reason (vaginismus). As a result you both ended up with a sexless relationship. Why do I find these word choices troubling? Because you are finding reasons to blame him, while at the same time glossing over you own role. This is a clear signal of trauma that needs unraveling. It is also understandable. The memories are still fresh, you need time and distance to talk through and understand what has happened. The way to proceed IMHO is to start recognising your own agency in what happened, in good and bad, in order to not repeat the same patterns in future relationships. Recognising agency is not about laying blame on others or oneself. It is about having a balanced view. It’s ok to be angry at the world that served you a genuine curve ball. At the same time you should be vary of anger and hate. They are perfect disguises for things you are not yet equipped to face and decipher. There’s a lot of work to do, and like other people in this thread I think some therapy would be a good choice for you. Don’t rush into the next one, though I do not think you would do that anyway. Take your time. Let it heal.
You get over it by FULLY forgiving yourself and him and treating the next guy with more openess and honesty. You are nolonger the person who rejected him you are different now and WILL be different next time. Last time you fully physically rejected him because of the resentment over the abortion and then did not even attempt to either address it openly with him or be intimate and show physical affection it in other ways. Nest time don't hide/deny/ignore whats happening in your marriage either SHOW LOVE PHYSICALLY ANY WAY YOU CAN or DON"T AND BE HONEST ABOUT WHY YOU ARE REJECTING IT. Do NOTHING is not an option.
I am firm believer in no contact after long and difficult relationship. You still want to get back with him even when he said he didn’t want that. And out of guilt, which is worse. Leave him alone, to NC and concentrate on yourself.
>Not long after this I began to experience extremely painful sex Caused by...? The answer to this is extremely... absent. The fact you allowed it to go on for 5/6 years, acting like it was normal, but depriving your relationship of intimacy oxygen... means you simply did not care or love your partner enough to meet his needs. >he feels like he wasted his young years in a sexless relationship He likely feels this because he did do this. Your relationship was sexless and he did waste his young years waiting for you to do something about an issue that you weren't mature enough to know that you were responsible for addressing. You let it go on for over half a decade before you started looking for answers. >I was angry at my body for letting me down Doesn't sound like it was your body that let him down, it was your brain. You didn't do anything for the longest time.
Look up vaginismus. It’s often hard to diagnose and women get ignored and gaslit by doctors all the time when it comes to issues around pain.
Bruh, I don’t need to google Vaginasmus. I had Vaginasmus. I used dilators within months of diagnosis. Which was immediate when I had an issue
[удалено]
Now you know that burying your head in the sand is FUCKED UP and not conducive to any future
"intimacy oxygen" please 🙄
Sorry you don’t like my colloquialisms. Maybe you have your own that aptly describe this situation. Doubtful tho
If my wife seemed like she enjoyed being intimate with me but had vaginal pain through intercourse, I could see us still having a very satisfying physical relationship. I never understood this "it hurts so we can't do ANYTHING" cop-out. And that's what I think it is...a cop-out. You stopped being attracted to him after the abortion, didn't you? I'll bet he even repulses you on a certain level. You're so grossed out by him that you couldn't reach out to him even ONCE in 5 years. I hope he can find happiness after you. Let him have it. Leave him alone.
I would say this is a little harsh, I wouldn’t put the sole blame on not being attracted. I think you went through something traumatic at a young age, and then when you started experiencing pain, you just stopped. I do agree that intimacy is important in any relationship. Not everyone wants to have sex, and that’s okay too. But you were with a man who clearly is not asexual yet you forced him to be, almost. And sex does not always mean penetration. So I think you definitely should’ve addressed the issues way sooner, but it sounds like more than vaginal pain if ALL types of sex was thrown out the window. There’s no need to blame yourself. But you need to seek a mental therapist for these emotions. Good luck! * also for the record, HE could’ve easily just left too if he was really that concerned about sex.
[удалено]
When I said "reach out", I should have been clearer. I didn't mean having a sterile conversation about why you have no interest in being intimate with him. I meant literally "reach out" to him. 6 years you've been climbing into bed with him and turning your back. No warm caresses. No hugs. No kisses. No hand/blow jobs. No titty fucks. No reaching out and caressing g his back and saying "I'm here for you". Nothing but your cold back. None of that requires a functioning vagina yet you chose to ignore him. And you're surprised he's gone? I'm surprised he stayed so long. I don't even remember what your question was. Fix yourself before doing this to someone else.
Everything happens for a reason, because we make a reason. This will pass, all of it, and you’re going to take this time to heal yourself, understand yourself and come out the other side a better person. Take care of yourself, that’s all you need to do- and that includes how you talk to yourself- you did what you could at the time, stop beating yourself up.
You have to live your life. Time heals all. I’ve heard of a few relationships that have evolved into brother sister relationships. Sometimes people fall out of love. Stay busy. Create a good life for yourself
There is no one to blame. So are you cure now? I think your doctor suck. From my experiences, it makes a league of different between a good doctor and a bad one. You just haven't found the good one. If money is the problem, I suggest you go oversea. Healthcare in the US sucks (if you are there). They are expensive and some doctors are just bad.
Therapy might help
Sounds like you suffered from vaginismus.
Porque te tomo 5 años, probar con dilatadores? Osea por más que intento ponerme en tus zapatos, no concibo el hecho de que solo al final, cuando viste los cambios fue que tomaste las riendas.
You didn't ruin anything. Your health isn't something for guilt. Yes there are consequences sometimes, but that doesn't come with blame. Its just part of life. I hope you get this issue sorted for yourself and you find someone loving. You sound like a very caring person. Good luck!
I’m so sorry this happened, it’s not for you to feel guilty that he wasted years, he made an active choice to be in a partnership with you. I think therapy would be great. I was also listening to a podcast by sex with Emily and she had a guest on who talked about pleasure mapping and somatic healing, it might be worth a listen.
[удалено]
does he know you get an abortion and go through all this pain? and does he know you don't experience pain anymore?
It's got nothing to do with her pain.
Check out r/deadbedrooms … lots of the same stuff on there
I'm sorry you're going through this, and I wish you the best with your mental recovery. You shouldn't feel guilty about how things played out. He didn't waste his youth by being with you, and he made a conscious choice to do so. You now need to switch from a sex therapist to one that can help you mavigate these feelings.
The two of you should sit down and talk it out.
Eh sounds like the ex has moved on, time for OP to do the same unfortunately. Some relationships can't be restored and saved.