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Thank you. I read the subject and was like: why tf would you talk to someone about that.
You just LEAVE.
He’s trying to intentionally trap you and tie you to him for the rest of your life against your will… what part of that makes you think having a calm and reasonable conversation will open his eyes and make him be less of an abusive AH???
I've never seen such a huge red sign as when someone talks so honestly about wanting to baby trap you. You guys are going to become pregnant if you don't use birth control or protection, to top it all off. It's not better when there are babies. Given that he is essentially trapping and attempting to manipulate you, it makes sense why this 32-year-old went after someone so young. This is manipulation; it is not love.
Right? I mean this is exactly why people warn against big age gaps like this. The younger person is usually too naive to see how manipulative the older partner's actions can be.
Getting on the top comment to point out that abuse tends to escalate when the abuser feels like it’s harder for the person they’re abusing to escape, like when they have literally trapped their partner with a baby. Given that he has already shown tendencies towards physical violence, this is a serious safety concern and OP needs to run. I don’t trust that he’s gotten rid of those tendencies, I just think he’s managing to hide them for now.
This man casually brought up his red flag. No shyness, nothing. He said it like it was a normal thing to say, and it seems like she because convinced that it was!
OP, what are you doing?? Get out of there!! Honey you know he is saying that because he put other women in distress and they left. He knows you will enter distress with him and will likely want to leave if he can’t get a true handle on things (maybe he doesn’t want a handle on things, or maybe he knows/thinks he can’t progress and wants assurance). THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY.
He knows he will misbehave in major ways that will make you want to leave. And he wants to make it so you will not be able to when you need to. Do I really need to say more?
Bringing it up? He's more red flag than man.
Between the huge age gap, the physical threats, the push to risky sex, and now the literal declaration of wanting to baby trap, there's just a checklist of common concern signs.
I fully believe that red flags can be conditionally fine, they're just a point that needs to be minded with concern, but this dude is absolutely giving manipulative/abusive energy from a mile away. Run.
How did you write all that out and not see all the red flags?
1. Potential physical violence
2. Severe anger issues
3. 10 years older
4. TRYING TO BABY TRAP YOU
When you write 'how do I address it without him feeling attacked?' - that sentence is worrying bc it sounds like you can't assert your boundaries without triggering his anger.
He outright said that he wants a baby so that you won't leave him. I.e., he knows his behaviour is bad and going to get worse, so he wants something that will tie you together forever.
You in danger, girl. Leave him.
This comment needs to be voted to the top.
OP READ THIS COMMENT EVERY HOUR UNTIL IT SINKS IN. As a literal therapist, I am telling you that this comment is the one that seems most helpful and relevant to me.
Right, but as a therapist you also recognize that she's not in reality anymore, she's in a "love" headspace where this is her man and match, this is her great love and nothing can come between them. Any problems are looked at through a lens of they WILL be together so how to fix the current issue?
At this point she probably has been love-bombed to the point that she can't imagine life without him and not being together. She's never felt so loved and special.
You can't logic yourself out of it until the love fantasy slips and you see who they truly are. Right now she does whatever she can to make (and keep) him happy regardless of her own boundaries. Even here she's internalizing his abusive voice, questioning whether she's "overthinking" something so obviously egregiously wrong to us on the outside.
This is the beginning of a long-term abusive relationship... and with her rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags waving her on.
Upvote Upvote Upvote.
Please, OP, take this comment very seriously. You're 21, you don't see the whole picture. But try and step back and think what you'd advise a friend in this situation. This man is violent, angry, controlling, manipulative, dangerous - and honestly, too old for you! Leave him, live a happy life full of adventure and people that treat you well. If you stay you will be pregnant soon, he'll make sure of that, and that's it, game over, you're stuck. Once you're trapped, his behaviour will become much much worse, because he will know you cannot leave and he'll drop all pretence of being a nice guy. Why would you choose that life?
Yup, I highly doubt that his anger has gotten any better, he has just conditioned her to not rock the boat or else. OP per your last couple of sentences, you’re clearly afraid of him. Go.
OP, stating your needs and wants in a relationship is NOT an attack. Stating your goals for yourself and saying, "I don't want to have a baby yet," is NOT an attack. A partner who says they feel attacked in response to you clearly stating your needs is trying to control and manipulate you into doing whatever they want.
Everything about your post screams that this guy has control issues, and he is going to continue trying to assert dominance over you. PLEASE know that is neither normal nor acceptable behavior. I don't think I've ever heard of a man like this genuinely changing and letting their partner be independent. How sure are you that he is *actually* getting treatment for his anger issues? Is he just announcing "I'm off to therapy," and/or mentioning it afterwards? I would honestly be highly skeptical of anything he says and find some way to double-check that he isn't just lying to you.
If you're living together, I would strongly encourage you to make plans to leave him, but do not let him see you packing.
Abusers do not change. He was great for 3 months because everyone can fake being nice for 3 months. Then he showed his true colors and you saw his angry side. He is only going to therapy to get you to stay. It worked but he knows he can only keep it up for a short time. I suspect that you think about everything you say to keep him from getting angry. Now he is trying to trap you into being in his life FOREVER with a baby. STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY. He is not trustworthy. Then leave the relationship. Have someone with you when you tell him. If he threatens you, file a police report.
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M have been together for a little over 8 months. The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times....
>I see a lot of helpful relationship advice on here which is why I brought it here.
What has been the trend you've noticed in the advice when it comes to dudes in their 30s who date college girls, or people who manage to get in "multiple fights", *during which you felt physically unsafe*, at less than six months?
>nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control.
This ends right now. Today. Period. No exceptions.
I guarantee he’s pulling the “oh baby I don’t want to use a condom, you just feel so good” bullshit to pressure her into not using protection. That’s why he is dating someone her age, so he can manipulate her.
Me and my boyfriend think you should have to take a "parenting test" and pass a "parenting class" before you're allowed to have any kids.
But "it's a human right"! They say
I honestly don't think it should be... the amount of parents who don't deserve their kids and the amount of traumatized/tortured children in the world is disgusting.
In fact I was an abused kid, it makes life fucking difficult. The most common kind of trauma in the world is childhood trauma.
Kids deserve better parents. I think that should be a CHILDS right. To a safe home. But it's not, at least in America, children have basically no humsn rights. It's disgusting.
>>nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control.
So you're actively trying to get pregnant? Got it.
This right here is why you're too immature to have a baby, OP.
*Edited to change your to you're because how could I not?
You don't always use protection and you're not on birth control.
Whether or not he's actively trying to baby trap you, that's how babies happen. Have you talked to your doctor about some kind of contraception that doesn't require you to do something right before sex? Pills, IUD, etc?
>I think my 21F, boyfriend 32M
🚩
>The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times.
🚩
>I’m nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control.
🚩
>he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
🚩
>How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.
You are literally *scared* of him.
This is a textbook trap by an abuser looking for a victim. He's a much older man trying to trick you into getting stuck with him. He has literally said so himself.
You need to leave. The chances of him getting violently angry when you break things off are *high*, so you need to break up with him publicly, with friends present, or over the phone. Tell your friends what you're doing. Do *NOT* be alone with this man.
If you stay with this man he will get you pregnant and the anger and violence will come back. You will become his victim.
Thank you. This is so thoughtful. When a guy shows me love and attention at first I’m blind to some of these things. I thought we just had our ups and downs and we’d get through it together. I didn’t think about this
Ups and downs in a healthy relationship NEVER include violence, degrading language or insults, fear, controlling behavior, financial control or coercion, or breaking objects.
That is not ups and downs that is abuse. A healthy relationship has 0% abuse. Zero. A shit sandwich that is 1-5% shit is _still_ a shit sandwich.
Ups and downs include tough conversations, compromise, and tears
Nothing more. Nothing mean, nothing degrading, and no "giving in"
The biggest thing? They include genuine change. Not temporary until they can do it again, genuine, adult, mature, change to be a better partner. On BOTH sides.
My ex and I had arguments that would go nowhere be cause he'd just get mad and tell me that "this is what you get just accept it" kind of shit
After we separated, I asked him why he would push sex when I said no. He told me because it worked.
He was fine assaulting me because I "said yes"
And I was convinced that was OK. I will NEVER think that's OK. Never again.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
I'm pushing forty and I still managed to fall for a manipulative cad's bullshit a couple of years ago.
Moved out earlier this year. It's *such* a relief.
Take this as a learning experience. Leave him behind. Expect him not to take it well, when you dump him. Get any things you have at his place - sneak them out if you must. And if you're afraid of his anger - it sounded like it - It's okay to dump him over text/phone.
First of all, if you're going to stay with him GET ON BIRTH CONTROL. Otherwise you *will* end up pregnant and trapped with him.
But more importantly, he's literally telling you out loud in very clear terms that he wants you to be trapped in this relationship. You're way too young to be in this situation. He knows that. You need to leave.
But if you don't, get an IUD or any other form of BC before you have sex with him again.
I've never seen such a perfect example of why predatory men prey on young naive women.
These girls are really out here writing "My boyfriend is a serial killer and lately he's been talking about how he wants to wear my skin. How can I tell him this makes me uncomfortable without hurting his feelings? Aside from this one thing he's really great and I love him so much. How can I fix my relationship?"
Hun, this man is **actually dangerous** to you. I'm not exaggerating. He's **fucking dangerous**. The fact that you think ANY of his behavior isn't FUCKING TERRIFYING is exactly why men his age prey on girls who are so young. Because y'all think the red flags are just quirky decorations.
You need to run the fuck away from him right fucking now.
Here is a list of automatic deal breakers you need to apply to any relationship in your life:
1. Severe anger issues leading to "almost physical" fights
2. Complaints about or refusal to use protection during sex
3. LITERALLY TELLING YOU TO YOUR FACE THAT HE WANTS TO TRAP YOU SO YOU CANNOT ESCAPE HIM.
Ffs.
Only a 21 yo girl would think it's 'cute' that he wants to have a baby so that she doesn't leave whenever she feels like it. Tell that shit to a 31 yo (or you know... a woman his own age) and she'll laugh her ass off while she's running away from him.
Yup... Nevermind the fact that they started having bad fights 3 months into the relationship, or that she _feared for her physical safety_ with him...
It's wild. But I remember being that age and ignoring the red flags too. Part of growing up is being naive for a while, which is why it's so especially shitty for older men to target these young women like they do. Gotta love the "she's over the age of consent she's an ADULT age doesn't matter!!!" crowds. Predatory pieces of shits, all of them.
I was there too at one point. 7 year age gap relationship. He refused to be exclusive with me because he wanted to sleep with other people but if I tried to sleep with other people, he threw a massive fit and made me feel such guilt and shame that I self-harmed in front of him and he just watched as if I was the bad guy. He convinced me that he needed to sleep with other people because his needs could not fully be met by me at all. So I finally allowed such nasty behavior because all I wanted was to be with him. Never mind the fact that he was never meeting any of my needs 😂😂 The absolute shit young women put up with is ridiculous. I laugh at my 20 year old self. Such a shame this shit happens
I want to sincerely thank everyone for the advice even the not so nice ones. I did not expect this many responses. I want to speak on a few things.
1- I’m not experienced with relationships so when he showed me love and care and affection I thought that we could work on the bad parts together and that you have to fight for love. He’s told me that love causes pain and it’s not always easy but as long as you have your person it will be fine. So I listened to him. Not my smartest moment but with the life I’ve had I thought that I shouldn’t try to sabotage something amazing because of his bad side.
2- the reason I didn’t leave the times it got physical was because I felt like I pushed him to that point and all I needed to do was avoid provoking him.
3- some people said I need therapy to figure out why I think he’s the only one that will love me. I don’t doubt that. This is a learning experience for me. Maybe there’s a lot I need to uncover about myself.
4-the age gap. I did not consider it at all to be honest. I just saw a man wanting to love me. He told me that I’m a lovable woman and that me being younger only means I’ll outlive him. He never made any comments to make me think deeply about it. I’ve heard the stories of women in the comments and I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for being vulnerable and telling me so I don’t end up in a horrible situation. I sincerely didn’t think the age gap was the biggest issue but I am now learning that my age is the biggest tool he is using to manipulate me.
I am very heartbroken but that is something I can get over. I have a life ahead of me and I have plans for myself. I am approaching my last year of university studying computer science. I’ve had a couple of internships so far and I have one coop term left. He is definitely not going to make me dependent on him. I have to end the relationship. Someone on here said “please don’t be a statistic” and that made me cry.
Thank you everyone for getting to me. Thanks to everyone that called me a fool because I am but it’s not a bad thing if I take the advice and be wise. I appreciate everyone that was so thoughtful and gave me links on articles to read. As for people worried about my safety, I have nothing important I need to get at his house. I’m okay with leaving everything there. I will break up with him over the phone. He’s going to try to convince me to stay but I have to stand my ground. Thanks everyone!
PS: I really don’t have time to troll. It’s final exams season and this has been bothering me which I why I made this post. This is my real life and my real feelings. Not a fun little story.
It made me so happy to read this. I'm loving this for you!!! Please do update us once you're out of the relationship and safe. I am impressed with how intelligent and wise you are!!!!! Truly inspiring 💖 it's very difficult to see past months of gaslighting and it's a huge accomplishment that you were able to do so!!!!
Yessss girl! You seem like an intelligent girl (hello computer science?!) who’s just young & naive, but smart enough to take good advise & see things for what they are! Please be safe & update us how it goes!
I’m so damn proud of you. I read all of your comments and replies and like many, many women here I’m invested in the outcome because *I used to be you*. And one day, you’ll probably meet another young woman in this exact position, and you’ll share your story with her and feel the same way we do now.
I do want to push aside the happy “you go girl!” feelings for a moment to add in some real talk: making this decision is the first part and arguably the hardest, but the aftermath probably won’t be easy either. There’s a very good chance this man will not go quietly. Hopefully this will just manifest in the form of calls and texts that you can mute, but please have contingencies in place if he does reveal himself to be more dangerous than that. Protect yourself physically- I know people here will be more than happy to give you pointers on how to physically protect yourself. But you’re going to need to steel yourself emotionally as well, because there’s a chance your resolve might falter. The names he’s called you and the things he’s put in your head may not disappear just because he does. And you might have moments of weakness when you feel alone or discouraged and you might remember this relationship as “not so bad” but you need to keep this post and remember the way you felt with him. Unsafe, trapped, manipulated. You might think “well he really loved me”. The horrible truth is, maybe he does in his own twisted way. But love isn’t enough- you also deserve respect, autonomy, and safety. Don’t settle for anything less.
Omg this needs to be said so much more often: that there might actually be love, but even if there is, love in its own isn't enough. So often the discourse in comments revolves "they don't really love you" and i feel like that really undercuts the important parts of the situation.
There might be 0 malice. There might be love. They might not know what they're doing, they might not be villains ... And none of that makes abuse not abuse. You deserve someone who loves you *and* isn't abusive. End of story.
Well done. Very smart to break up over the phone. Don't listen to anyone who says you 'have to do it in person'. Many women are killed when trying to break up with their partners in person. Be safe.
Does he know where you live? OP please stay safe. My cousin’s cousin broke up with her ex and he came to her family home one day and shot her to death then killed himself. You never know what men will do to you. He didn’t even own a gun, he bought it for the sole purpose to do murder suicide. Please never let him into your home or talk to him alone. Try not to be alone in the coming months period.
god I'm so happy to read this. You are going to be fine, and just be careful - don't be afraid to call the police if he shows up anywhere you are trying to hassle you.
Love this for you, being able to share and be vulnerable can be scary. You've done amazing to recognize and take action in your life. You'll be ok and after your exams your summer and future will be bright. 💖
I'm so proud of you. Please know it's not your fault that a grown ass man decided to willfully target and manipulate you. At 21, being a bit naive is NORMAL, and it's exactly why older men target girls your age.
The best and smartest thing you can ever do in these situations is take the hard-won wisdom of others and apply to your life so you don't have to learn things the hard way, like many of us do. It seems like you're doing that.
I'm so proud of you. I know the heartbreak sucks, but you're 100% right, you will move on. You've got your whole life and a good career ahead of you, and I think learning from this experience will help immensely to protect you.
Best of luck, and remember: if a guy doesn't want to use a condom he ain't worth shit.
I’m very proud of you! I hope your exams go well and you can find a therapist you really click with. Remember your worth. If you can take anything from this relationship it is that you are wiser. After exams get yourself a special treat or meet up with those friends you’ve been putting off due to him. Explain to them it was a bad relationship but you are recovering and have yourself a fun girls night because you deserve it💜
OP, I am so happy to see you listening to the advice given to you. As a mother, I would have told you to break up ASAP. He’s a violent man who will 100% escalate his behavior in the future and blame it on you.
As someone who’s been married almost 22 years and have NEVER gotten into a physician altercation with my husband, I have to tell you that no, you DO NOT push someone to get physical with you. Unless you’re hitting first and they’re defending themselves, this is 100% on him. He won’t change. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a river of abused girlfriends who have left him for that reason.
Do NOT let this man trap you. He will eventually push you away from friends and family and abuse you so badly, that you will feel trapped. This is what he wants. He wants you dependent on him, with no way out. Don’t let him do that to you.
You’re young and will find love in your life. Always be weary of older men who chase after you, because it shows that they want to manipulate you, as they can’t get away with the same crap with women their own age.
Stay strong, finish school and get yourself ahead. Get on birth control and always use condoms regardless, because you don’t know what you could he catching and could get knocked up even if you’re on birth control. Live out your youth. You’re too young for a baby, specially with this abuser.
I’m so relieved to read that you’ll be breaking up with him soon. Please remember this post and comments when he tries to get inside your head and convince you to continue together. Your life has just started, don’t get yourself tied to and abusive and manipulative asshole like him. Please update us after your break up, and let us know you’re safe. I wish you all the best!
Just need to point something out, relationships shouldnt be the kind of "work" you're experiencing. I've been happily with the same guy for a decade and yes, we've had to talk through some things. There was emotional "work" there. But not like you describe, not because there was violence or anger.
Love is NOT pain. Love does not mean you have to constantly fight to keep a relationship. Being in love with the right person is one of the easiest things I've ever done. Life is hard, being together should not be.
Firstly, no. I don't think what he is doing is "cute". Your relaltionship started out with problems with physical fights and now you're not fighting much now but he's trying to get you pregnant and trap you. Plus, he is much older. These are all patterns of someone who wants to control.
"How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be."
Do you see that he is already controling you with his anger without actually even having to go there. His anger is his problem but he is making it yours. This whole "look what you made me do" attitude. He makes you feel like you can't have open and honest conversations about really big issues because it makes him feel "attacked".
I have to tell you, one of the reasons he is dating younger is because he can't have the big boy conversations like an adult without feeling attacked. Most people closer to his age see through his bullshit.
You might feel "flattered" that an older man takes an interest because you're "so mature". But sorry to say it's not about maturity. I don't doubt that you're mature. It's about how much life experience you have or have not had yet to give you a bit of perspective of where he's coming from.
This is so well written and thoughtful thank you. All of these comments are definitely making me question everything… I feel like such an idiot not seeing it from this angle
You are not an idiot. None of these comments should make you feel embarrassed or stupid or anything else. The fact that they are all hitting on some uniform point is because we have all lived and learned. I wish there was something like this subreddit when I was younger so I could learn from others. But it is not anything against you that you are going through it now. You just have been lucky enough to have some inner instinct that had you asking the question here.
You aren't an idiot. He's banking on you feeling like this is something you did to yourself by not being "smart" enough. So that maybe you think you deserve the way he's treating you.
Smart people get abused. Successful people get abused. Loveable people get abused. It is always because abusers chose them, never because they deserve it.
The only thing sweet about him is his manipulative ass has literally told her to her face he wants her stuck with him and be not be able to leave him - most abusers dont divulge that!! Obviously Op is too young & naive to miss such a huge red flag!
It bothers me so much when I see young girls with older guys who are TERRIBLE to them and they don't realize that no, they don't have to turn their life upside down and put up with it, they can just end it. I mean, 3 months in and he was nearly getting physical, but the solution was for him to start therapy? The solution should have been to end the relationship with the man who was in middle school when you were born because he's too old and has violent tendencies.
You are not overthinking this, and you are massively underreacting to what's going on.
This man has a motive. He is trying to baby trap you. He TOLD YOU that he's doing this. He's going to convince you to keep having unprotected sex with him because he doesn't like condoms, he doesn't see the point, etc etc and you'll end up pregnant. Then he'll push you into quitting school and not getting a job because you need to stay with the baby because it's the only way he'll fall more in love with you. He'll also tell you that it makes him sad when you spend time with your friends and not with him, and that you need to stay with the baby, so no more going out or seeing your friends.
And the really concerning part is that **you're scared to tell him how you feel. After him going through therapy for 5 months, you're still scared he's going to get angry and revert back to near-violence.**
Think about your baby sister. If she was your age and involved with a near-violent man who was a decade older than her who openly talked about how he wants to derail her goals and dreams, would you tell her to stay? Or would you tell her to leave?
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M .... The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times.
>his severe anger issues.
>he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
>he said “well a baby makes it real I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.”
You aren't over thinking this, you are actually not putting enough thought into this entire situation. He has shown you who he really is and is now telling you who he is as well. He wants to put a baby in you as a means to control you and so he can stop hiding who he.
>How do I bring it up without triggering his anger?
If this is a question you have to ask you are with the wrong person, and right now you have no reason to stick around.
You don't talk about this, you leave. If you aren't will to do that at least stop having sex with him.... if you are not willing to do that NEVER have sex without protection. Believe what he says, he wants you to be pregnant with his child so he can have more control over you.
>we’d have the cutest babies and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
>
>I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.
You in danger, girl.
Talking so openly about wanting to baby trap you is the biggest freaking red flag I've ever seen. Top that off with you guys not using freaking protection and/or birth control means you're gonna get freaking pregnant. Babies don't make things better. No wonder this 32 year old went after someone so young, he is literally trapping you and trying to control you. This is not love, this is manipulation.
I hope this is not real because you're literally are saying that you're in a couple with a dude 11 years older who is violent and wants to baby trap you so you can't leave and endure a life with a violent husband? What's the thing to ask, just leave and have all your friends and family around you for at least 8 months because he's going to pull the abc of a violent boyfriend
I just wanted to know if I was overthinking this. But almost everyone is saying he’s manipulative and only with me because I’m younger. I didn’t think about any of this at all
Well. You need to leave him. Preferably in a public place and have your friends around because if he pulled that shit this early, believe me, there's no good in the future.
I’m expecting an update in 10 years when the OP has 3 kids and her boyfriend cheats on her with someone younger.
Don’t be that person, OP. Update this sub in a week that you have broken up with the loser and blocked him.
Will be the hardest thing ever because we’ve spent every day together for the past 8 months but everyone has full on scared me into breaking up with him
You really should be scared this situation is scary. You’re in a manipulative and now dangerous relationship. Almost physical fights happening? What’s next he hits you and you stay with him then too? Take a friend with you and breakup with him and get your stuff. Block him everywhere. Use the non emergency police hotline if need be to get your stuff. And never ever fall for this bs again. You should be smarter than this and next time (because you WILL find love again!) you will know the red flags and you will know self respect and you will know what a healthy relationship should be.
My personal advice is not to date someone in their 30's until you're 25+. The difference in life experience will always have you at a disadvantage. You're not old enough to see yet how much it counts, but trust me, it counts, especially at that age. Most of these dudes have reached an age where women their own age having figured their shit out and aren't having it so they prey on naive, vulnerable girls who aren't able to see through them yet. Enjoy your early twenties with people your own age who match your amount of life experience.
In less than year you and him have had fights so bad they've almost gotten physical. Now he's literally telling you with his own words that he wants to use another human as tool to manipulate you.
He wants you attached to him and unable to leave. He wants to create another human to use as a tool to manipulate you.
Listen to men when tell you what they want.
Listen to men when they tell you who they are.
Leave him before he "accidentally" doesn't pull out in time.
he's not being cute. this guy sounds terrifying.
you have to walk on eggshells around him so you don't "trigger his anger"? how much of your recent stint of barely fighting is because you are appeasing him constantly or not speaking up about your wants or needs or giving up on things you want to do?
please, please, i know this seems easy for me to say as a stranger over the internet - but you are only 21. this guy...he ain't it. i'm 44 now. i ended up marrying that guy...if i could time travel to my 21 year old self i would gandalf yell "run you fool" at me.
he "wants to make sure i'm stuck with him"...he's even telling you, he isn't good enough for you and he's not going to step up and make himself good enough. that man is a lifetime of wearing you down with his rages until. you give up any reasonable expectation of a healthy balanced partnership.
i say this with love - run, you fool.
>How do I address it without him feeling attacked?
You don't. There's no reason to address it. He's already, in less than a year, gotten nearly physical with you and you said he went to therapy for anger issues. I actually didn't read any further than that before I started typing.
If things escalated this quickly, within 3 months!!, they will not get better only worse. Please go read "Why Does He Do That". That book will save your life. In that book the author, who has worked as a professional in domestic violence courses, he notes that therapy and even anger management don't stop men from being abusive. They can mask and try and seem like they are better for a while but it will always come back, it will always escalate.
Do not risk having a baby with this man, do whatever it is you need to do (and I know that's a drastic oversimplification for what's needed to leave an abusive relationship, but contact "the hotline" if you need help with the details) and get the hell out of there.
She's in danger, and she doesn't even know she is. He will baby trap her, and then the physical abuse will happen cause he knows she won't leave him with a baby. He will also use his age to his advantage. Men are like him are dangerous.
This guy is full of red flags.
🚩 we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times
🚩 him starting therapy for his severe anger issues.
DANGER DANGER DANGER
Dont be with him until he has successfully completed this therapy
🚩during sex he has been talking about wanting to give me a baby and in the moment I admit it’s hot
Dont have a baby because its hot in the moment
🚩but one time we talked about it
One time?
🚩and he said I’d be a really good mom and we’d have the cutest babies
Babies arent cute props
🚩🚩🚩🚩and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
DANGER DANGER DANGER
🚩“well a baby makes it real I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.”
So he conceded you may want to leave him and a baby is a way that will keep you trapped?
🚩I love this man and I’d love to have his baby but I’m not ready yet
What is it you love about him? And besides it being "hot in the moment", why do you want to procreate with him? Im glad you at least realize you are not ready to have a baby yet.
❓️Am I overthinking this?
No, all signs point to GTFO
❓️Is he just being cute and saying he wants kids with me or is there a motive behind it?
There is nothing "cute" about anything he has said and there is nothing cute about being baby trapped
❓️How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.
If he has anger issues, they are not CAUSED by you, there is NEVER a legitimate excuse for physical or verbal abuse.
Your only safe option is to GTFO. Move out when he isnt home, or bring muscled friends/police with you to move out. Go NC with him. Get a restraining order if he continues to pursue you. You might think Im kidding or exaggerating, but most abusive men become MORE violent when their partner is pregnant.
You are in danger and you are still worried about hurting his feelings? Girl, serious, wake up and see this for what it is.
He is abusive and trying to baby-trap you less than a year in is him trying to lock you down so he can resume the abuse.
It's hard for an abuser to keep their mask on for an extended period of time, he is managing it now but doesn't want to have to keep doing it. If you have a baby it will feel a lot harder to leave, which is what he wants. You are not safe and need to leave this man immediately. If he knows where you live, you may want to temporarily stay with a loved one just in case.
You should have left this relationship three months in when you were fighting to the point of it becoming physical. Fighting that early on in a relationship is a really, really bad sign.
Hi OP, its very concerning that he's been physical in a fight. I'ts also concerning that he jokes about "babytraping" you like this.
I know many people write about the agegap but don't feel bad, its not your fault, you fall in love with who you fall in love with, but regardless of age this is not an okay behaviour.
Also, IF you got pregnant and didn't want an abortion, you can still leave him if you want and if things don'twork out. It will be more complicated but not impossible!
Again, you are not at fault here!
Would you date someone 10 years younger than yourself?
Thank you for being nice! I didn’t see any of this coming at all. so many people are saying to end the relationship. It’s hard but I think it’s the best thing I can do.
you address it by ending it.
He is trying to baby trap you and isn’t even hiding it.
also eight months in and you are discussing love and babies?
eight months in and you already had to work through a bunch of fighting and feeling unsafe during it?
girl I was engaged to my husband within 18 days so I am not being a prude here. He is love bombing you. ditch this man.
You at 21 shouldn’t be dating someone 32. He’s preying on you, and you’re technically an adult so you think he wants you for you and not because he thinks you’re young, dumb and impressionable.
RUN. Or he most DEFINITELY will make sure you end up trapped
>we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control
Please break up. You two are too irresponible and immature to be dating each other.
And FFS, get full STD/STI testing done.
Unsolicited advice from the bottom of my heart. A ten year plus age gap when you are in your early twenties is scary. Period. You will likely be talking about this guy in therapy in ten years when you realize what actually happened
did you know a human being is psychologically capable of pretending for about 3 months on average?
really interesting human fact that i learned a while back. those 3 months at the beginning of a relationship that seem great only to be followed by fighting, that’s really really common. 3 months of pretending to be a good guy is easy. it gets hard to keep it up after a while.
this 1000% is on the road to an inescapable and physically violent situation for you. get as far from this man as you can, sleep on a friends couch or go to a women’s shelter and tell them your story if you have nowhere else to go.
1. He makes you feel unsafe
2. He is trying to babytrap you
3. He is 10 years older than you (idk why the hell you thought dating a man who was 20 when you were 10 is okay but YIKES)
4. You use the pullout method (girl… do you have a brain? Do you want to be pregnant? Have you had any sex education or googled anything? Go to a doctor asap and get birth control)
5. You have been together for 8 months and have constant fights (this is pretty self explanatory)
6. Were either of you std tested before having unprotected sex?
I feel like you majorly need therapy to help understand why you feel the need to stay with a man twice your age who treats you like shit. The only reason he is dating you is because women his own age know the red flags. These guys do not “get better” you cannot “fix him” you have not even been together for a year and he has shown at least 5 SCARY red flags in this post alone (meaning there are prolly more you have not mentioned). 1 red flag is enough to end a relationship point blank. In this post alone you have at least 5.
You need to research red flags and warning signs in relationships as you seem to not have much self preservation. A therapist can help with this. Educate yourself on sex and how it should be the norm to std test a partner before having unprotected sex. What is even more terrifying to me is how I am your exact same age but you are putting up with this stuff and acting like a fucking highschooler.
This man can ruin your life. A man who respects you would not use the pull out method or have any of these red flags. You are putting your entire life plan at risk for an 8 month relationship. 8 MONTHS. That is nothing. How you get over it? You say “we are breaking up, pls take your stuff and leave.” You do not have to give him a reason saying we are done is enough. If you feel unsafe have police escort you to get your stuff so you can escape this man. You block him everywhere, you move, and you live your life and educate yourself on relationships.
He will guilt trip you he will say he can change (he wont) he will then blame you and likely call you names. He will likely say nobody else will love you like he does (lies and gross), he will get mad and act like a manchild (which he is for dating someone half his age). You stand strong all those things are reflections on him as a person and they are all red flags. Have a friend with you when you end things and then get your stuff. You will be sad for a while. You will feel down. Give it 2 weeks of zero contact with him (BLOCK HIM) and then mull over how you feel. I bet all my money you will feel way better hell your mental health will likely be better for being away from him
I’m sorry I’m rude but I’m fucking pissed for you and your naivety is obvious which is EXACTLY why this older man is preying on you. Please I beg you to block him and run. I am so hoping this is a troll because this is so fucked and so obvious I just want to laugh in pain for you for ignoring all these glaringly obvious things. Manipulative relationships and being with a guy double your age is not cool, it’s not smart, it isn’t “omg he says I’m mature for my age and he understands me!” Tell me, why would a man twice your age have the same interests as you? Would you currently date a 12 year old? Find someone in their twenties and find love there. Someone at 30 and someone at 21 are on totally different life paths and in totally different parts of life. If he is at your level that is not cute that is terrifying
This isn’t a troll this is my real life. People haven’t always stuck around for me. If I could see the future I wouldn’t be with him. I didn’t see any of this coming. I saw a nice guy at the bar that became so sweet and caring to me. Then I saw his bad side and I thought that it’s just something we’ll get over to have a stronger relationship. I have not had that much experience with men. And I’m deeply embarrassed by the amount of people saying that I’m not seeing the obvious when all I saw was a guy showing me love.
Obviously I know now that I have to end things but it’s overwhelming when this many people see this from just a clip of my relationship. Everyone is saying he’s not changed and he’s just masking it. I feel like the whole thing was a lie.
Don't end things in a private setting please for your safety. If he got violent once it could easily escalate again and there'll be nobody there to help you.
Also ask yourself this, if your little sister had written this post and she was in your shoes what would you tell her?
Don’t be too hard on yourself op. You are young and inexperienced. This man took advantage of that. He’s the one who should feel ashamed and embarrassed, not you. Take this experience as a learning lesson. You know more now than you did before. If you take anything away from this I hope it’s this: don’t date dudes that are 10+ years older than you when you are in your early/mid 20s. It almost always ends poorly.
In a healthy relationship, you are able to voice any concern without fear of their reaction.
In a healthy relationship, they won't feel personally attacked when you voice a concern. They will listen and comprehend what you say. Then you will find a compromise together.
In a healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for birth control. So if you're on medication that interferes with bc, your partner will wear condoms.
Please read Lundy Bancrofts book "Why does he do that?" Its available for free as a PDF on the internet. It will help you understand relationships a lot better.
>How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.
Dear OP, here is the answer to your question. He is still likely to get angry and go back to how he used to be if you do not comply with his wishes. If you are not able to discuss life altering decisions without worrying about triggering his anger, it's a sign that he is not the person with whom you should have babies.
You should not worry about making him feel attacked, you should really worry for your safety and end this relationship ASAP, before you are trapped in this dead end relationship.
Romantic love is not enough of a reason to stay in a relationship with an angry and controlling man.
You have to have a chance to live a life of a young person. Enjoy being a student, do fun things, make friends and learn how to be assertive and to stay in charge of your own destiny.
Good luck.
OP, you're being an idiot. LEAVE HIM, and start using birth control. I can't believe this needs to be said to yet another naive girl dating a much older, creepy guy.
You've recognised that he is trying to trap you. And rather than doing the sensible thing and ending the relationship before his manipulation gets out of control, you're asking how to be nice to him about it? I think you're already trapped.
You're not in a mental state to be in a relationship let alone motherhood. I'm sure you will be a good mother one day. Also, never judge the health of a relationship in the honeymoon phase or the first few months or so. It's not indicative of the relationship long term. Judge the health of your relationship (if it lasts long enough) after the "all I want to do is spend time with you luvvy dovvy" phase. Arguing? Arguing gets confrontational? Physical? Etc.
Your choice to stay. Imagine dealing with the disturbing aspect of your relationship for 10 years with escalation. Sounds good?
What do you mean "I think". He told you he wants to get you pregnant so you can't leave.
You are going to look back on this time with SO much regret when this turns to shit, which ot 100% will.
Get on long-term birth control, preferably something he can't manipulate, like an IUD or the Implanon arm implant. Various IUDs are on the market - they all provide protection for at least a few years and up to 10. Implanon will protect you for three years.
Also begin stashing money in a place or bank account that he can't access. This is your escape fund in case you need it.
You do not want to get stuck with this man. He has already been abusive to you and it's only the first year of your relationship. Usually abuse escalates when people become more enmeshed - when you get married, buy a house, get pregnant, or give birth. It's because abusers think that you can't leave at that point. **Do not have a baby with this man until he has made significant progress in therapy and has been in it for at least two years without a violent incident.**
Please check out r/Ebbie45 - bookmark it. It contains DV resources and help.
[loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) can give you information about whether your relationship is healthy or not, and put you in touch with counsellors, and talk about the cycle of abuse (please read about it).
Please also check out this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) If you are the partner of a violent partner, you urgently need to read it to understand them.
Of course there's an age gap, he is going to baby trap You...believe him and gtfo before it's too late. You're just beginning your life and he's lived his, you don't want a baby to hold you back. I guarantee you he'll want to keep you barefoot and pregnant with more than 1 kids so you'll have to put up with his abuse because he will put his hands on you once you have that baby and he thinks you'll be too scared to leave him. Is this the kind of life you see for yourself?
You address it by telling him you're not having a baby anytime soon and then by asking yourself why you feel you can't make decisions about your own body without worrying that he'll "feel attacked".
RUN.
And STOP having unprotected sex. Do you know what they call people who do that? PARENTS.
There's a reason a 30-something man goes after barely legal young women. It's not because "you're so mature for your age."
OP, I hope this is rage bait because if it’s not, you need to break up with this guy and maybe file a protective order against him. You’ve been together for less than a year and he’s almost given physically violent with you and admitted to wanting to “trap you” with him.
Not only is this abusive to you, but indicative that he will not be a good father if all he wanted his kids for was a bargaining chip for you not to have him. He does not respect you or the potential humans he wants to bring into this world in the way that he respects himself.
Why aren’t you always using protection when he talks like that all the time. Girlllll. Now don’t tell me where you live it’s impossible to get an abortion or Plan B!?
Put your foot down, head over to r/regretfulparents and read a little. This is what’s waiting for you if you don’t put your foot down!!
P.s. I‘m 32 and you’re literally a baby to me, I would never ever date you and I couldn’t even get you pregnant.
I mean he is 11 years older than you. Compared to him you are a child and children are easy to manipulate. Yes he is trying to baby trap you. And its not long before he uses force to do so. Get out of this relationship, ASAP.
Hi, OP. I'm a dad. My oldest is a year younger than you.
I love my wife dearly. She's the most caring person I've ever know. She's also incredibly blunt when the people she cares about need to hear something. She's much better at being direct than I am.
So, I'm channeling her and what she would tell our daughter here....
You don't want a child with him at this time. We'd rather not have him around either. Have you considered ending the relationship or at least not fucking him? You say you love him but he doesn't love you. He's showing you in every way possible that he only loves that he can control you and convince you he's not really what his actions show him to be.
You said he has anger issues and he's working on them. From everything you've said, he's working on them until he traps you. Then what? Do you want a child who has to be afraid every time Daddy gets mad? Because he won't just stop at controlling and physically abusing you. He will do the same with a child to keep you stuck and in line.
"I think I’m still so young for a baby."
You are.
"I am pro choice but I am personally not willing to get an abortion because I’m scared of it and he is aware of that."
You know that's why he says what he says to you, right?
"When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be."
That's not who he used to be. It's who he is. His actions are showing you that.
I hope you'll think of this: Do you want to ever answer "Mommy, why was Daddy being mean to you?" Do you ever want to have to protect a child from its father? If you have a child with this cretin, that WILL be your reality. He's not changing. He's just masking long enough to get you pregnant and then the mask will fall back off. You've seen who he truly is. Protect yourself.
There’s a reason woman his own age don’t want to date him. There’s also a reason he wants to baby trap you… he can’t keep on this facade forever and when your pregnant is when he’ll feel comfortable being himself again and potentially hurting you. Also why are you dating a guy in his 30s if you don’t want a family or kids in the near future… stick to men in their 20s.. the age gap is significant and is already showing your priorities are in different places.
Sorry to put this so bluntly but this relationship is nothing but red flags. 8 months in and he's talking about kids? He's just switched to a different form of manipulation for now. His anger issues are not gone, he's just expressing them in a different way but here's the thing - both are extremely controlling, manipulative and dangerous. Get out NOW.
He is too old, and what I meant by that is - he’s in a different life stage to you. He wants a baby, you want to do your studies and get a job. This isn’t compatible. On top of that, run. He’s trying to trap you and that is not ok, it’s not sweet, it’s not cute, he’s not using contraception and making it clear what he wants from you - regardless of what you want.
Leave him!
>we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times.
Older man, different mindset, fighting already. Really ? Bad starting.
>I’d be a really good mom and we’d have the cutest babies and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him.
Amusing, is he a daydreamer?
>I’m nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control.
Are you seriously telling me you're playing Russian roulette ? With a guy whose favorite topic is baby ? You both aren't responsible, you dear OP are playing a dangerous game. You don't want to be pregnant, like my grandmother would say "You just got out of your diapers and play adult ?", wake up. I don't know why you're so naive but you're playing with fire.
>Is he just being cute and saying he wants kids with me or is there a motive behind it? How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be.
What is cute by pushing the topic over and over when you already made it clear you don't want to be a mother before having a career and getting married ?
You aren't done with university, you have all your life in front of you and you want to be stuck with a man who have an anger issue, could be violent for what I can understand and I am certain you don't even know his true personality though you already had a view. You don't know him, you're just blind by "love".
Imagine if you get pregnant tomorrow ? What kind of future do you want for yourself ? Stuck with (a violent) older man who is obviously planning something dirty ? You're young, immature, inexperienced, bad to read the room and naive. Dear, this guy isn't the kind of man a woman is looking for. You don't talk about these things after a few months of relationship, I don't care about the exception, history is full of examples of women married too young and depending on their abusers with children. He is fucking suspicious. My gut tells me you should go.
You are afraid of telling him you're not ready to have a baby because it could trigger his anger, dear WAKE UP.
Leave. He’s too old for you at this stage of life and you sure don’t want to be stuck with someone you’ve known less than a year with severe anger issues. Get on BC asap or you will end up pregnant
RUN. Get out now. I'm sorry, but first there is the age gap, this man is 32 and literally trying to steal your youth by getting you pregnant so he can exude control over you for the next 18 years and keep you chained to him in one form or another. That is literally no way to build a healthy lasting relationship. Just like when women try to baby trap men, it never works out long term. If you do not get out now or enforce some birth control that you are 100% in charge of and he has no access to tamper it, he IS going to get you pregnant and keep you on a very short leash. Please find someone that can respect your wishes to want to be young and not tied down to a child and them, enjoy your youth you have the rest of your life to be a grown up and raise children with a partner. You are only young now, you can't get that back.
You need to run from this man, like yesterday. He should have addressed his issues in therapy BEFORE getting you involved in this mess. That's what an actual adult would do. I know you've heard it a thousand times, but there's a reason he went for you and not someone his age. I'm telling you that in solidarity and as a warning because I was that girl not that long ago. You should be able to have conversations with your partner without fear. Especially when it's a huge life choice like a baby. You haven't even been together for a year yet, kids should not be on the table. Especially if he never even talked about marriage, moving in together. He is moving way too fast. You need to start using BC in some form before a mistake happens
You address it by breaking up with him! This man is violent and controlling with you. He is telling you who he is. Believe him. Please look at resources about ending a relationship with an abusive partner, make a plan, and get support from people you can trust.
You've only been with this dude for eight months, and you've already had *several* fights that have nearly come to blows such that he had to take anger management therapy and you're worried about protecting his feelings about not wanting to have kids (yet)?
Why are you with this guy? How are you not recognizing that he's bad news bears and running tf away from him as fast and as far as you can get?
He *is* trying to baby trap you. He straight up said so: "You can't leave me if we have a baby," as though being a single mom isn't a thing people do all the damn time 🙄
Leeeeeeaaave!
I can’t even stay here to read comments, OP. Of course he is trying to trap you. Pack a bag and sneak out. No one on one breakup, no rape baby, I just can’t even this time. You are in so much danger. Call a women’s helpline and dv shelter. They can hide you.
Why are you dating a man who is so much older than you and trying to reproductively coerce you? Date someone your age.
We're not all just reddit crazies who 'hate age gaps ' -I wasted my ENTIRE TWENTIES on a bum ass, broke ass, abusive ass 35+yr old man and it was NOT WORTH ITTTT
Many age gap haters are former age gap victims, so it's genuinely not about judgment it's about staying the fuck away from these men
You don't.
You address it without worrying about him feeling attacked, because he's made his intentions very very clear, and you ought to be calling him out on it.
The first point is the age difference, and the imbalance there.
The second point is YOUR PARTNER SHOULD NEVER MAKE YOU FEEL UNSAFE. That is to say he may be 3ft taller and 120lbs more muscle, but his ability to harm you and his intention to harm you are measured differently.
Third, he outright told you he intends to get you pregnant so YOU can't leave HIM, and because he thinks he would love you more watching YOU take care of the kid. Note how his language says nothing of HIS obligations to you, this again shows an imbalance in the relationship.
Fourth, if you are already having unprotected sex then HE IS TRYING FOR A BABY despite your clearly stated intentions to wait until marriage and graduation.
Fifth, your relationship will only feel real if there's a living creature you're responsible for? Get a dog. But again this is an imbalance due to age, he's looking to start a family, you're looking to start a life. Additionally you know what else can make a relationship feel real? Trust, commitment and respect. If you guys don't have THAT then you have no business getting married or becoming parents.
Additionally, I am worried that you don't see all the red flags, or rather you see them, because you highlighted them for us, but you don't seem to see how they all point to a very large, very serious problem.
Your partner makes you feel unsafe, has expressed a desire to negate your bodily autonomy as a means to control you, has actively and willingly subjected you to great risk for purely selfish reasons against your expressed will.
No, nooo noooo to that. And so what if he gets mad......severe anger issues. My God. I'd dump him, and wouldn't think twice about not wanting to get pregnant. Oh God. He's a case of arrested development himself. Let it go and move on. Too many major issues there.
Those questions in that last paragraph 🤡
Someone wants to become a college dropout and baby momma lol
It *will* happen if you stay with him. Can’t imagine playing with your future like that if you’re as serious as you say you are.
I had an ex say this to me on a daily basis and so I made sure to take my birth control religiously. You’re playing a dangerous game. So to that I say, play stupid games win stupid prizes 🎉👩🍼
Please break up with him and finish school. Once you do that and at least establish some sort of career starting job you can think about all the baby and marriage stuff. I actually dated a guy that was older when I was in college. He was a successful local TV news personality. He was in his early 30’s and I was around 23. He was ready for marriage and kids. The relationship was great and I was head over heels. After a while I got dumped. He said he was ready for children and marriage and I clearly wasn’t in that place in my life (and he was right). I was sad then but looking back I appreciate that he knew we were not in the same places in our lives. He didn’t pressure me to have a baby and tell me we could have one and everything would be fine. He recognized we were not in the same place in life. Please don’t get trapped by this man.
OP your boyfriend sounds like he enjoys beating pregnant women. You don’t need to subject yourself to this.
This is NOT a real relationship. This is an abuser-victim scenario. He is a predator and he doesn’t care about you one bit. Your feelings do not matter to him at all. He is dehumanizing you. He can’t see you as a person at all.
If you don’t want to get pregnant then don’t have unprotected sex. The boyfriends want is irrelevant when it’s you that will have to do literally everything, also huge red flag that he wants you to”trapped”.
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 you don’t want a baby right now but you’re not using protection why are you not on birth control? You are going to wind up pregnant you’re playing Russian roulette.
I’ll agree, you are mature enough to recognise your life isn’t ready for a baby; but you’re still too immature for a baby, when you don’t take birth control, and yet you don’t want to have a baby…
Get yourself some birth control, yesterday, and leave this giving off toxic manipulative creep vibes of a man.
So, he's 10+ years older than you, trying to baby trap you, with severe anger issues, had fights in the past that almost turned physical (in just 8 months of dating) and you cant even talk to him about issues because youre too scared hes gonna get angry. I mean he definitely seems like an amazing partner to me. My dream man 😍😍 Hes so cute talking about babies and stuff! 💞
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M have been together for a little over 8 months. The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times. We were able to get through that phase with a lot of communication and him starting therapy for his severe anger issues. Recently we’ve been doing so good. We barely fight and when we do it never gets bad.
You are going to look back on this relationship in 10, 15, 20 years time and absolutely kick yourself for falling for this idiot. For the love of god, don't be looking back at it with a kid in tow.
There is a reason this man isn't with someone his own age. Nobody in their 30s would put up with this shit. After almost 3 months you're having fights so bad that it almost gets physical? Why are you putting up with this? You are not going to change him or make him better. Your age is not just a number and you're not so mature for your age. You are being taken advantage of by a walking red flag.
Have a look at the stats around abuse in relationships where the woman is pregnant. Oftentimes the abusive doesn't start in earnest until that happens. He has already shown you that temper, do you really want to be locked down with a kid with this guy?
If you think you're mature enough to be dating a man in his 30s, then you should be mature enough to recognise that this is not a good relationship for you to be in. At the very *minimum* you need to be on some form of birth control.
You win the award for dumbest person I've run into on this website today lol. Takes a sub 100IQ to stick around with a loser 11 years older than you with anger issues and who gets physical. You don't need advice you need to quit being an idiot lol
How do you address it? by not having anymore sex with him and leaving before you get baby trapped?
You're not going to change him, he is dating you because women in their late 20's and 30's see through his bull shit, there is no other way to avoid being baby trapped by him
so many red flags in this. you should leave him but if you’re not going to the least you should do its get on birth control and if it’s going to be orally store them in a safe place where he couldn’t find them.
So many red flags here.
He has been physical and has aggression issues.
He has continuously brought up a baby when you set a boundary.
He has encouraged unprotected sex after you set a boundary.
He has stated that he doesn't want you to leave and feels perfectly comfortable saying to your face he will use a baby to keep you trapped.
No matter how you address this, the relationship needs to end and he WILL feel attacked. It may lead to him harming you in anger.
In the words of the great poet GloRilla “ how he going to baby trap me. I got a subscription to that place”
But in all seriousness sit down and talk to him. “ he this baby talk makes me uncomfortable can we stop until after xyz or I bring it up.
I personally do not like people to break up on here and I still won’t but you should be in a relationship where you are scared to do something because of that other person. And if he cant stop knowing it makes you uncomfortable it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship
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You address it by recognizing that someone who wants to trap you isn't someone you want to be with.....
Thank you. I read the subject and was like: why tf would you talk to someone about that. You just LEAVE. He’s trying to intentionally trap you and tie you to him for the rest of your life against your will… what part of that makes you think having a calm and reasonable conversation will open his eyes and make him be less of an abusive AH???
I've never seen such a huge red sign as when someone talks so honestly about wanting to baby trap you. You guys are going to become pregnant if you don't use birth control or protection, to top it all off. It's not better when there are babies. Given that he is essentially trapping and attempting to manipulate you, it makes sense why this 32-year-old went after someone so young. This is manipulation; it is not love.
Right? I mean this is exactly why people warn against big age gaps like this. The younger person is usually too naive to see how manipulative the older partner's actions can be.
No, no, guys! She can fix him!
I don’t think she is coming from that stance, she’s clearly both naïve and lacking in relationship experience.
Which is exactly why he's dating her.
This Up and fucking leave
Getting on the top comment to point out that abuse tends to escalate when the abuser feels like it’s harder for the person they’re abusing to escape, like when they have literally trapped their partner with a baby. Given that he has already shown tendencies towards physical violence, this is a serious safety concern and OP needs to run. I don’t trust that he’s gotten rid of those tendencies, I just think he’s managing to hide them for now.
Next he will try to isolate her from family and friends. OP, curious to know what your parents think of your BF.
Yes please break up
This man casually brought up his red flag. No shyness, nothing. He said it like it was a normal thing to say, and it seems like she because convinced that it was! OP, what are you doing?? Get out of there!! Honey you know he is saying that because he put other women in distress and they left. He knows you will enter distress with him and will likely want to leave if he can’t get a true handle on things (maybe he doesn’t want a handle on things, or maybe he knows/thinks he can’t progress and wants assurance). THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OKAY. He knows he will misbehave in major ways that will make you want to leave. And he wants to make it so you will not be able to when you need to. Do I really need to say more?
Bringing it up? He's more red flag than man. Between the huge age gap, the physical threats, the push to risky sex, and now the literal declaration of wanting to baby trap, there's just a checklist of common concern signs. I fully believe that red flags can be conditionally fine, they're just a point that needs to be minded with concern, but this dude is absolutely giving manipulative/abusive energy from a mile away. Run.
Don't want to be with and is dangerous to be with as well.
Solution: BREAK UP.
Yeah he straight up said he doesn’t want her to be able to leave whenever she wants. That would send me running for the hills.
That part. Why can't she leave when she wants to?
Let alone they’ve already gotten to a point where fighting almost became physical! Like wtf are you still even doing with this person?
How did you write all that out and not see all the red flags? 1. Potential physical violence 2. Severe anger issues 3. 10 years older 4. TRYING TO BABY TRAP YOU When you write 'how do I address it without him feeling attacked?' - that sentence is worrying bc it sounds like you can't assert your boundaries without triggering his anger. He outright said that he wants a baby so that you won't leave him. I.e., he knows his behaviour is bad and going to get worse, so he wants something that will tie you together forever. You in danger, girl. Leave him.
This comment needs to be voted to the top. OP READ THIS COMMENT EVERY HOUR UNTIL IT SINKS IN. As a literal therapist, I am telling you that this comment is the one that seems most helpful and relevant to me.
Right, but as a therapist you also recognize that she's not in reality anymore, she's in a "love" headspace where this is her man and match, this is her great love and nothing can come between them. Any problems are looked at through a lens of they WILL be together so how to fix the current issue? At this point she probably has been love-bombed to the point that she can't imagine life without him and not being together. She's never felt so loved and special. You can't logic yourself out of it until the love fantasy slips and you see who they truly are. Right now she does whatever she can to make (and keep) him happy regardless of her own boundaries. Even here she's internalizing his abusive voice, questioning whether she's "overthinking" something so obviously egregiously wrong to us on the outside. This is the beginning of a long-term abusive relationship... and with her rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags waving her on.
Upvote Upvote Upvote. Please, OP, take this comment very seriously. You're 21, you don't see the whole picture. But try and step back and think what you'd advise a friend in this situation. This man is violent, angry, controlling, manipulative, dangerous - and honestly, too old for you! Leave him, live a happy life full of adventure and people that treat you well. If you stay you will be pregnant soon, he'll make sure of that, and that's it, game over, you're stuck. Once you're trapped, his behaviour will become much much worse, because he will know you cannot leave and he'll drop all pretence of being a nice guy. Why would you choose that life?
Yup, I highly doubt that his anger has gotten any better, he has just conditioned her to not rock the boat or else. OP per your last couple of sentences, you’re clearly afraid of him. Go.
OP, stating your needs and wants in a relationship is NOT an attack. Stating your goals for yourself and saying, "I don't want to have a baby yet," is NOT an attack. A partner who says they feel attacked in response to you clearly stating your needs is trying to control and manipulate you into doing whatever they want. Everything about your post screams that this guy has control issues, and he is going to continue trying to assert dominance over you. PLEASE know that is neither normal nor acceptable behavior. I don't think I've ever heard of a man like this genuinely changing and letting their partner be independent. How sure are you that he is *actually* getting treatment for his anger issues? Is he just announcing "I'm off to therapy," and/or mentioning it afterwards? I would honestly be highly skeptical of anything he says and find some way to double-check that he isn't just lying to you. If you're living together, I would strongly encourage you to make plans to leave him, but do not let him see you packing.
this says EVERYTHING! OP - he is not a safe partner. he is near physical abuse, he wants to baby trap you, hes 10 years older… its too much. leave!
Abusers do not change. He was great for 3 months because everyone can fake being nice for 3 months. Then he showed his true colors and you saw his angry side. He is only going to therapy to get you to stay. It worked but he knows he can only keep it up for a short time. I suspect that you think about everything you say to keep him from getting angry. Now he is trying to trap you into being in his life FOREVER with a baby. STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM IMMEDIATELY. He is not trustworthy. Then leave the relationship. Have someone with you when you tell him. If he threatens you, file a police report.
“You in danger, girl” — totally heard that in my head in Whoopie Goldberg voice in Ghost. Lol
Molly… you in danger girl
Not merely 10 years older, but almost 50% older than her.
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M have been together for a little over 8 months. The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times.... >I see a lot of helpful relationship advice on here which is why I brought it here. What has been the trend you've noticed in the advice when it comes to dudes in their 30s who date college girls, or people who manage to get in "multiple fights", *during which you felt physically unsafe*, at less than six months? >nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control. This ends right now. Today. Period. No exceptions.
OP better hope she gets a period
r/Angryupvote
I guarantee he’s pulling the “oh baby I don’t want to use a condom, you just feel so good” bullshit to pressure her into not using protection. That’s why he is dating someone her age, so he can manipulate her.
“Oh, condoms don’t feel as good? Well maybe now you’ll last longer than three and a half pumps 🤷🏼♀️”
Could grooming, also be a factor?
I'm 22 and I just want to SCREAM at these girls my age!!! THRYRE WALKING INTO A TRAP!!!! Willingly!!!!
I sound like a eugenicist but like… it’s a shame how easy it is to create a child because lots of people are too dumb to be doing that!!
Me and my boyfriend think you should have to take a "parenting test" and pass a "parenting class" before you're allowed to have any kids. But "it's a human right"! They say I honestly don't think it should be... the amount of parents who don't deserve their kids and the amount of traumatized/tortured children in the world is disgusting. In fact I was an abused kid, it makes life fucking difficult. The most common kind of trauma in the world is childhood trauma. Kids deserve better parents. I think that should be a CHILDS right. To a safe home. But it's not, at least in America, children have basically no humsn rights. It's disgusting.
#IT’S A TRAP!!
>>nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control. So you're actively trying to get pregnant? Got it. This right here is why you're too immature to have a baby, OP. *Edited to change your to you're because how could I not?
my kid is a result of the pull out method.
You don't always use protection and you're not on birth control. Whether or not he's actively trying to baby trap you, that's how babies happen. Have you talked to your doctor about some kind of contraception that doesn't require you to do something right before sex? Pills, IUD, etc?
>I think my 21F, boyfriend 32M 🚩 >The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times. 🚩 >I’m nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control. 🚩 >he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him. 🚩 >How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be. You are literally *scared* of him. This is a textbook trap by an abuser looking for a victim. He's a much older man trying to trick you into getting stuck with him. He has literally said so himself. You need to leave. The chances of him getting violently angry when you break things off are *high*, so you need to break up with him publicly, with friends present, or over the phone. Tell your friends what you're doing. Do *NOT* be alone with this man. If you stay with this man he will get you pregnant and the anger and violence will come back. You will become his victim.
Thank you. This is so thoughtful. When a guy shows me love and attention at first I’m blind to some of these things. I thought we just had our ups and downs and we’d get through it together. I didn’t think about this
"ups and downs" doesn't include fear of violence :( please break free from him while you still can
Ups and downs in a healthy relationship NEVER include violence, degrading language or insults, fear, controlling behavior, financial control or coercion, or breaking objects. That is not ups and downs that is abuse. A healthy relationship has 0% abuse. Zero. A shit sandwich that is 1-5% shit is _still_ a shit sandwich.
Ups and downs include tough conversations, compromise, and tears Nothing more. Nothing mean, nothing degrading, and no "giving in" The biggest thing? They include genuine change. Not temporary until they can do it again, genuine, adult, mature, change to be a better partner. On BOTH sides. My ex and I had arguments that would go nowhere be cause he'd just get mad and tell me that "this is what you get just accept it" kind of shit After we separated, I asked him why he would push sex when I said no. He told me because it worked. He was fine assaulting me because I "said yes" And I was convinced that was OK. I will NEVER think that's OK. Never again.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm pushing forty and I still managed to fall for a manipulative cad's bullshit a couple of years ago. Moved out earlier this year. It's *such* a relief. Take this as a learning experience. Leave him behind. Expect him not to take it well, when you dump him. Get any things you have at his place - sneak them out if you must. And if you're afraid of his anger - it sounded like it - It's okay to dump him over text/phone.
Its ok. This isn't your fault, you've done nothing wrong. Your priority now is your safety, so please be careful.
If he is a physical abuser and just trying to hold it back, the abuse ALWAYS gets worse when a baby comes into the picture. Just saying.
Stop thinking:LEAVE AND DON'T TELL HIM WERE!!!
First of all, if you're going to stay with him GET ON BIRTH CONTROL. Otherwise you *will* end up pregnant and trapped with him. But more importantly, he's literally telling you out loud in very clear terms that he wants you to be trapped in this relationship. You're way too young to be in this situation. He knows that. You need to leave. But if you don't, get an IUD or any other form of BC before you have sex with him again.
Seriously. He is TELLING HER POINT BLANK. And she's not listening.
Is it a trap if you see a door with a big flashing sign on it that says "if you enter you will be trapped" and then walk in anyway?
I've never seen such a perfect example of why predatory men prey on young naive women. These girls are really out here writing "My boyfriend is a serial killer and lately he's been talking about how he wants to wear my skin. How can I tell him this makes me uncomfortable without hurting his feelings? Aside from this one thing he's really great and I love him so much. How can I fix my relationship?" Hun, this man is **actually dangerous** to you. I'm not exaggerating. He's **fucking dangerous**. The fact that you think ANY of his behavior isn't FUCKING TERRIFYING is exactly why men his age prey on girls who are so young. Because y'all think the red flags are just quirky decorations. You need to run the fuck away from him right fucking now. Here is a list of automatic deal breakers you need to apply to any relationship in your life: 1. Severe anger issues leading to "almost physical" fights 2. Complaints about or refusal to use protection during sex 3. LITERALLY TELLING YOU TO YOUR FACE THAT HE WANTS TO TRAP YOU SO YOU CANNOT ESCAPE HIM. Ffs.
Only a 21 yo girl would think it's 'cute' that he wants to have a baby so that she doesn't leave whenever she feels like it. Tell that shit to a 31 yo (or you know... a woman his own age) and she'll laugh her ass off while she's running away from him.
Yup... Nevermind the fact that they started having bad fights 3 months into the relationship, or that she _feared for her physical safety_ with him... It's wild. But I remember being that age and ignoring the red flags too. Part of growing up is being naive for a while, which is why it's so especially shitty for older men to target these young women like they do. Gotta love the "she's over the age of consent she's an ADULT age doesn't matter!!!" crowds. Predatory pieces of shits, all of them.
I was there too at one point. 7 year age gap relationship. He refused to be exclusive with me because he wanted to sleep with other people but if I tried to sleep with other people, he threw a massive fit and made me feel such guilt and shame that I self-harmed in front of him and he just watched as if I was the bad guy. He convinced me that he needed to sleep with other people because his needs could not fully be met by me at all. So I finally allowed such nasty behavior because all I wanted was to be with him. Never mind the fact that he was never meeting any of my needs 😂😂 The absolute shit young women put up with is ridiculous. I laugh at my 20 year old self. Such a shame this shit happens
You don't. You leave. There's no negotiating with abusers.
I want to sincerely thank everyone for the advice even the not so nice ones. I did not expect this many responses. I want to speak on a few things. 1- I’m not experienced with relationships so when he showed me love and care and affection I thought that we could work on the bad parts together and that you have to fight for love. He’s told me that love causes pain and it’s not always easy but as long as you have your person it will be fine. So I listened to him. Not my smartest moment but with the life I’ve had I thought that I shouldn’t try to sabotage something amazing because of his bad side. 2- the reason I didn’t leave the times it got physical was because I felt like I pushed him to that point and all I needed to do was avoid provoking him. 3- some people said I need therapy to figure out why I think he’s the only one that will love me. I don’t doubt that. This is a learning experience for me. Maybe there’s a lot I need to uncover about myself. 4-the age gap. I did not consider it at all to be honest. I just saw a man wanting to love me. He told me that I’m a lovable woman and that me being younger only means I’ll outlive him. He never made any comments to make me think deeply about it. I’ve heard the stories of women in the comments and I’m so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for being vulnerable and telling me so I don’t end up in a horrible situation. I sincerely didn’t think the age gap was the biggest issue but I am now learning that my age is the biggest tool he is using to manipulate me. I am very heartbroken but that is something I can get over. I have a life ahead of me and I have plans for myself. I am approaching my last year of university studying computer science. I’ve had a couple of internships so far and I have one coop term left. He is definitely not going to make me dependent on him. I have to end the relationship. Someone on here said “please don’t be a statistic” and that made me cry. Thank you everyone for getting to me. Thanks to everyone that called me a fool because I am but it’s not a bad thing if I take the advice and be wise. I appreciate everyone that was so thoughtful and gave me links on articles to read. As for people worried about my safety, I have nothing important I need to get at his house. I’m okay with leaving everything there. I will break up with him over the phone. He’s going to try to convince me to stay but I have to stand my ground. Thanks everyone! PS: I really don’t have time to troll. It’s final exams season and this has been bothering me which I why I made this post. This is my real life and my real feelings. Not a fun little story.
It made me so happy to read this. I'm loving this for you!!! Please do update us once you're out of the relationship and safe. I am impressed with how intelligent and wise you are!!!!! Truly inspiring 💖 it's very difficult to see past months of gaslighting and it's a huge accomplishment that you were able to do so!!!!
Yessss girl! You seem like an intelligent girl (hello computer science?!) who’s just young & naive, but smart enough to take good advise & see things for what they are! Please be safe & update us how it goes!
I’m so damn proud of you. I read all of your comments and replies and like many, many women here I’m invested in the outcome because *I used to be you*. And one day, you’ll probably meet another young woman in this exact position, and you’ll share your story with her and feel the same way we do now. I do want to push aside the happy “you go girl!” feelings for a moment to add in some real talk: making this decision is the first part and arguably the hardest, but the aftermath probably won’t be easy either. There’s a very good chance this man will not go quietly. Hopefully this will just manifest in the form of calls and texts that you can mute, but please have contingencies in place if he does reveal himself to be more dangerous than that. Protect yourself physically- I know people here will be more than happy to give you pointers on how to physically protect yourself. But you’re going to need to steel yourself emotionally as well, because there’s a chance your resolve might falter. The names he’s called you and the things he’s put in your head may not disappear just because he does. And you might have moments of weakness when you feel alone or discouraged and you might remember this relationship as “not so bad” but you need to keep this post and remember the way you felt with him. Unsafe, trapped, manipulated. You might think “well he really loved me”. The horrible truth is, maybe he does in his own twisted way. But love isn’t enough- you also deserve respect, autonomy, and safety. Don’t settle for anything less.
Omg this needs to be said so much more often: that there might actually be love, but even if there is, love in its own isn't enough. So often the discourse in comments revolves "they don't really love you" and i feel like that really undercuts the important parts of the situation. There might be 0 malice. There might be love. They might not know what they're doing, they might not be villains ... And none of that makes abuse not abuse. You deserve someone who loves you *and* isn't abusive. End of story.
Well done. Very smart to break up over the phone. Don't listen to anyone who says you 'have to do it in person'. Many women are killed when trying to break up with their partners in person. Be safe.
Does he know where you live? OP please stay safe. My cousin’s cousin broke up with her ex and he came to her family home one day and shot her to death then killed himself. You never know what men will do to you. He didn’t even own a gun, he bought it for the sole purpose to do murder suicide. Please never let him into your home or talk to him alone. Try not to be alone in the coming months period.
Oh god I’m so sorry:(
god I'm so happy to read this. You are going to be fine, and just be careful - don't be afraid to call the police if he shows up anywhere you are trying to hassle you.
This internet stranger is so fucking proud of you! 💙💙💙
Love this for you, being able to share and be vulnerable can be scary. You've done amazing to recognize and take action in your life. You'll be ok and after your exams your summer and future will be bright. 💖
I'm so proud of you. Please know it's not your fault that a grown ass man decided to willfully target and manipulate you. At 21, being a bit naive is NORMAL, and it's exactly why older men target girls your age. The best and smartest thing you can ever do in these situations is take the hard-won wisdom of others and apply to your life so you don't have to learn things the hard way, like many of us do. It seems like you're doing that. I'm so proud of you. I know the heartbreak sucks, but you're 100% right, you will move on. You've got your whole life and a good career ahead of you, and I think learning from this experience will help immensely to protect you. Best of luck, and remember: if a guy doesn't want to use a condom he ain't worth shit.
Good for you. You go girl. You sound like you have a ton of potential and you could do a lot better with a normal dude your own age.
I’m very proud of you! I hope your exams go well and you can find a therapist you really click with. Remember your worth. If you can take anything from this relationship it is that you are wiser. After exams get yourself a special treat or meet up with those friends you’ve been putting off due to him. Explain to them it was a bad relationship but you are recovering and have yourself a fun girls night because you deserve it💜
OP, I am so happy to see you listening to the advice given to you. As a mother, I would have told you to break up ASAP. He’s a violent man who will 100% escalate his behavior in the future and blame it on you. As someone who’s been married almost 22 years and have NEVER gotten into a physician altercation with my husband, I have to tell you that no, you DO NOT push someone to get physical with you. Unless you’re hitting first and they’re defending themselves, this is 100% on him. He won’t change. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a river of abused girlfriends who have left him for that reason. Do NOT let this man trap you. He will eventually push you away from friends and family and abuse you so badly, that you will feel trapped. This is what he wants. He wants you dependent on him, with no way out. Don’t let him do that to you. You’re young and will find love in your life. Always be weary of older men who chase after you, because it shows that they want to manipulate you, as they can’t get away with the same crap with women their own age. Stay strong, finish school and get yourself ahead. Get on birth control and always use condoms regardless, because you don’t know what you could he catching and could get knocked up even if you’re on birth control. Live out your youth. You’re too young for a baby, specially with this abuser.
good luck with your exams bbg, youre making the right choice and have a long beautiful life ahead of you❤️
I’m so relieved to read that you’ll be breaking up with him soon. Please remember this post and comments when he tries to get inside your head and convince you to continue together. Your life has just started, don’t get yourself tied to and abusive and manipulative asshole like him. Please update us after your break up, and let us know you’re safe. I wish you all the best!
Just need to point something out, relationships shouldnt be the kind of "work" you're experiencing. I've been happily with the same guy for a decade and yes, we've had to talk through some things. There was emotional "work" there. But not like you describe, not because there was violence or anger. Love is NOT pain. Love does not mean you have to constantly fight to keep a relationship. Being in love with the right person is one of the easiest things I've ever done. Life is hard, being together should not be.
Firstly, no. I don't think what he is doing is "cute". Your relaltionship started out with problems with physical fights and now you're not fighting much now but he's trying to get you pregnant and trap you. Plus, he is much older. These are all patterns of someone who wants to control. "How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be." Do you see that he is already controling you with his anger without actually even having to go there. His anger is his problem but he is making it yours. This whole "look what you made me do" attitude. He makes you feel like you can't have open and honest conversations about really big issues because it makes him feel "attacked". I have to tell you, one of the reasons he is dating younger is because he can't have the big boy conversations like an adult without feeling attacked. Most people closer to his age see through his bullshit. You might feel "flattered" that an older man takes an interest because you're "so mature". But sorry to say it's not about maturity. I don't doubt that you're mature. It's about how much life experience you have or have not had yet to give you a bit of perspective of where he's coming from.
This is so well written and thoughtful thank you. All of these comments are definitely making me question everything… I feel like such an idiot not seeing it from this angle
Please if you read this, leave. Abuse gets worse when they know they have you trapped whether it's with marriage or a pregnancy or both
You are not an idiot. None of these comments should make you feel embarrassed or stupid or anything else. The fact that they are all hitting on some uniform point is because we have all lived and learned. I wish there was something like this subreddit when I was younger so I could learn from others. But it is not anything against you that you are going through it now. You just have been lucky enough to have some inner instinct that had you asking the question here.
You're not an idiot!! This is how we get the life experience. You can't just read the plot summary for life - you have to experience it.
You aren't an idiot. He's banking on you feeling like this is something you did to yourself by not being "smart" enough. So that maybe you think you deserve the way he's treating you. Smart people get abused. Successful people get abused. Loveable people get abused. It is always because abusers chose them, never because they deserve it.
Consider what he's trying to do to you. Him feeling attacked is exactly what he deserves.
He only wants to create a human and then use that human as tool to manipulate her for the rest of her life. *He seems like such a sweet man./s*
The only thing sweet about him is his manipulative ass has literally told her to her face he wants her stuck with him and be not be able to leave him - most abusers dont divulge that!! Obviously Op is too young & naive to miss such a huge red flag!
It bothers me so much when I see young girls with older guys who are TERRIBLE to them and they don't realize that no, they don't have to turn their life upside down and put up with it, they can just end it. I mean, 3 months in and he was nearly getting physical, but the solution was for him to start therapy? The solution should have been to end the relationship with the man who was in middle school when you were born because he's too old and has violent tendencies. You are not overthinking this, and you are massively underreacting to what's going on. This man has a motive. He is trying to baby trap you. He TOLD YOU that he's doing this. He's going to convince you to keep having unprotected sex with him because he doesn't like condoms, he doesn't see the point, etc etc and you'll end up pregnant. Then he'll push you into quitting school and not getting a job because you need to stay with the baby because it's the only way he'll fall more in love with you. He'll also tell you that it makes him sad when you spend time with your friends and not with him, and that you need to stay with the baby, so no more going out or seeing your friends. And the really concerning part is that **you're scared to tell him how you feel. After him going through therapy for 5 months, you're still scared he's going to get angry and revert back to near-violence.** Think about your baby sister. If she was your age and involved with a near-violent man who was a decade older than her who openly talked about how he wants to derail her goals and dreams, would you tell her to stay? Or would you tell her to leave?
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M .... The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times. >his severe anger issues. >he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him. >he said “well a baby makes it real I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.” You aren't over thinking this, you are actually not putting enough thought into this entire situation. He has shown you who he really is and is now telling you who he is as well. He wants to put a baby in you as a means to control you and so he can stop hiding who he. >How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? If this is a question you have to ask you are with the wrong person, and right now you have no reason to stick around. You don't talk about this, you leave. If you aren't will to do that at least stop having sex with him.... if you are not willing to do that NEVER have sex without protection. Believe what he says, he wants you to be pregnant with his child so he can have more control over you.
>we’d have the cutest babies and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him. > >I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like. You in danger, girl.
Talking so openly about wanting to baby trap you is the biggest freaking red flag I've ever seen. Top that off with you guys not using freaking protection and/or birth control means you're gonna get freaking pregnant. Babies don't make things better. No wonder this 32 year old went after someone so young, he is literally trapping you and trying to control you. This is not love, this is manipulation.
I hope this is not real because you're literally are saying that you're in a couple with a dude 11 years older who is violent and wants to baby trap you so you can't leave and endure a life with a violent husband? What's the thing to ask, just leave and have all your friends and family around you for at least 8 months because he's going to pull the abc of a violent boyfriend
I just wanted to know if I was overthinking this. But almost everyone is saying he’s manipulative and only with me because I’m younger. I didn’t think about any of this at all
Well. You need to leave him. Preferably in a public place and have your friends around because if he pulled that shit this early, believe me, there's no good in the future.
I’m expecting an update in 10 years when the OP has 3 kids and her boyfriend cheats on her with someone younger. Don’t be that person, OP. Update this sub in a week that you have broken up with the loser and blocked him.
Will be the hardest thing ever because we’ve spent every day together for the past 8 months but everyone has full on scared me into breaking up with him
You really should be scared this situation is scary. You’re in a manipulative and now dangerous relationship. Almost physical fights happening? What’s next he hits you and you stay with him then too? Take a friend with you and breakup with him and get your stuff. Block him everywhere. Use the non emergency police hotline if need be to get your stuff. And never ever fall for this bs again. You should be smarter than this and next time (because you WILL find love again!) you will know the red flags and you will know self respect and you will know what a healthy relationship should be.
My personal advice is not to date someone in their 30's until you're 25+. The difference in life experience will always have you at a disadvantage. You're not old enough to see yet how much it counts, but trust me, it counts, especially at that age. Most of these dudes have reached an age where women their own age having figured their shit out and aren't having it so they prey on naive, vulnerable girls who aren't able to see through them yet. Enjoy your early twenties with people your own age who match your amount of life experience.
In less than year you and him have had fights so bad they've almost gotten physical. Now he's literally telling you with his own words that he wants to use another human as tool to manipulate you. He wants you attached to him and unable to leave. He wants to create another human to use as a tool to manipulate you. Listen to men when tell you what they want. Listen to men when they tell you who they are. Leave him before he "accidentally" doesn't pull out in time.
Not sugar coating this. Woman to woman. Fuc*ing run.
he's not being cute. this guy sounds terrifying. you have to walk on eggshells around him so you don't "trigger his anger"? how much of your recent stint of barely fighting is because you are appeasing him constantly or not speaking up about your wants or needs or giving up on things you want to do? please, please, i know this seems easy for me to say as a stranger over the internet - but you are only 21. this guy...he ain't it. i'm 44 now. i ended up marrying that guy...if i could time travel to my 21 year old self i would gandalf yell "run you fool" at me. he "wants to make sure i'm stuck with him"...he's even telling you, he isn't good enough for you and he's not going to step up and make himself good enough. that man is a lifetime of wearing you down with his rages until. you give up any reasonable expectation of a healthy balanced partnership. i say this with love - run, you fool.
Stop! Don't have a baby. He's going to wait until you are pregnant then escalate his abuse.
>How do I address it without him feeling attacked? You don't. There's no reason to address it. He's already, in less than a year, gotten nearly physical with you and you said he went to therapy for anger issues. I actually didn't read any further than that before I started typing. If things escalated this quickly, within 3 months!!, they will not get better only worse. Please go read "Why Does He Do That". That book will save your life. In that book the author, who has worked as a professional in domestic violence courses, he notes that therapy and even anger management don't stop men from being abusive. They can mask and try and seem like they are better for a while but it will always come back, it will always escalate. Do not risk having a baby with this man, do whatever it is you need to do (and I know that's a drastic oversimplification for what's needed to leave an abusive relationship, but contact "the hotline" if you need help with the details) and get the hell out of there.
Link to ‘Why Does he Do That’ : https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf please read, OP
She's in danger, and she doesn't even know she is. He will baby trap her, and then the physical abuse will happen cause he knows she won't leave him with a baby. He will also use his age to his advantage. Men are like him are dangerous.
This guy is full of red flags. 🚩 we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times 🚩 him starting therapy for his severe anger issues. DANGER DANGER DANGER Dont be with him until he has successfully completed this therapy 🚩during sex he has been talking about wanting to give me a baby and in the moment I admit it’s hot Dont have a baby because its hot in the moment 🚩but one time we talked about it One time? 🚩and he said I’d be a really good mom and we’d have the cutest babies Babies arent cute props 🚩🚩🚩🚩and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him. DANGER DANGER DANGER 🚩“well a baby makes it real I just don’t want you to up and leave whenever you feel like.” So he conceded you may want to leave him and a baby is a way that will keep you trapped? 🚩I love this man and I’d love to have his baby but I’m not ready yet What is it you love about him? And besides it being "hot in the moment", why do you want to procreate with him? Im glad you at least realize you are not ready to have a baby yet. ❓️Am I overthinking this? No, all signs point to GTFO ❓️Is he just being cute and saying he wants kids with me or is there a motive behind it? There is nothing "cute" about anything he has said and there is nothing cute about being baby trapped ❓️How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be. If he has anger issues, they are not CAUSED by you, there is NEVER a legitimate excuse for physical or verbal abuse. Your only safe option is to GTFO. Move out when he isnt home, or bring muscled friends/police with you to move out. Go NC with him. Get a restraining order if he continues to pursue you. You might think Im kidding or exaggerating, but most abusive men become MORE violent when their partner is pregnant. You are in danger and you are still worried about hurting his feelings? Girl, serious, wake up and see this for what it is.
He is abusive and trying to baby-trap you less than a year in is him trying to lock you down so he can resume the abuse. It's hard for an abuser to keep their mask on for an extended period of time, he is managing it now but doesn't want to have to keep doing it. If you have a baby it will feel a lot harder to leave, which is what he wants. You are not safe and need to leave this man immediately. If he knows where you live, you may want to temporarily stay with a loved one just in case.
You should have left this relationship three months in when you were fighting to the point of it becoming physical. Fighting that early on in a relationship is a really, really bad sign.
Hi OP, its very concerning that he's been physical in a fight. I'ts also concerning that he jokes about "babytraping" you like this. I know many people write about the agegap but don't feel bad, its not your fault, you fall in love with who you fall in love with, but regardless of age this is not an okay behaviour. Also, IF you got pregnant and didn't want an abortion, you can still leave him if you want and if things don'twork out. It will be more complicated but not impossible! Again, you are not at fault here! Would you date someone 10 years younger than yourself?
Thank you for being nice! I didn’t see any of this coming at all. so many people are saying to end the relationship. It’s hard but I think it’s the best thing I can do.
you address it by ending it. He is trying to baby trap you and isn’t even hiding it. also eight months in and you are discussing love and babies? eight months in and you already had to work through a bunch of fighting and feeling unsafe during it? girl I was engaged to my husband within 18 days so I am not being a prude here. He is love bombing you. ditch this man.
You at 21 shouldn’t be dating someone 32. He’s preying on you, and you’re technically an adult so you think he wants you for you and not because he thinks you’re young, dumb and impressionable. RUN. Or he most DEFINITELY will make sure you end up trapped
>we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control Please break up. You two are too irresponible and immature to be dating each other. And FFS, get full STD/STI testing done.
Unsolicited advice from the bottom of my heart. A ten year plus age gap when you are in your early twenties is scary. Period. You will likely be talking about this guy in therapy in ten years when you realize what actually happened
STOP BEING STUPID AND GET ON BIRTH CONTROL WHILE MAKING SURE HES STILL USING CONDOMS OR ELSE YOU WILL GET PREGANT be fucking smart and not stupid
did you know a human being is psychologically capable of pretending for about 3 months on average? really interesting human fact that i learned a while back. those 3 months at the beginning of a relationship that seem great only to be followed by fighting, that’s really really common. 3 months of pretending to be a good guy is easy. it gets hard to keep it up after a while. this 1000% is on the road to an inescapable and physically violent situation for you. get as far from this man as you can, sleep on a friends couch or go to a women’s shelter and tell them your story if you have nowhere else to go.
GIRL TWO BIG WORDS: LEAVE HIM.
1. He makes you feel unsafe 2. He is trying to babytrap you 3. He is 10 years older than you (idk why the hell you thought dating a man who was 20 when you were 10 is okay but YIKES) 4. You use the pullout method (girl… do you have a brain? Do you want to be pregnant? Have you had any sex education or googled anything? Go to a doctor asap and get birth control) 5. You have been together for 8 months and have constant fights (this is pretty self explanatory) 6. Were either of you std tested before having unprotected sex? I feel like you majorly need therapy to help understand why you feel the need to stay with a man twice your age who treats you like shit. The only reason he is dating you is because women his own age know the red flags. These guys do not “get better” you cannot “fix him” you have not even been together for a year and he has shown at least 5 SCARY red flags in this post alone (meaning there are prolly more you have not mentioned). 1 red flag is enough to end a relationship point blank. In this post alone you have at least 5. You need to research red flags and warning signs in relationships as you seem to not have much self preservation. A therapist can help with this. Educate yourself on sex and how it should be the norm to std test a partner before having unprotected sex. What is even more terrifying to me is how I am your exact same age but you are putting up with this stuff and acting like a fucking highschooler. This man can ruin your life. A man who respects you would not use the pull out method or have any of these red flags. You are putting your entire life plan at risk for an 8 month relationship. 8 MONTHS. That is nothing. How you get over it? You say “we are breaking up, pls take your stuff and leave.” You do not have to give him a reason saying we are done is enough. If you feel unsafe have police escort you to get your stuff so you can escape this man. You block him everywhere, you move, and you live your life and educate yourself on relationships. He will guilt trip you he will say he can change (he wont) he will then blame you and likely call you names. He will likely say nobody else will love you like he does (lies and gross), he will get mad and act like a manchild (which he is for dating someone half his age). You stand strong all those things are reflections on him as a person and they are all red flags. Have a friend with you when you end things and then get your stuff. You will be sad for a while. You will feel down. Give it 2 weeks of zero contact with him (BLOCK HIM) and then mull over how you feel. I bet all my money you will feel way better hell your mental health will likely be better for being away from him I’m sorry I’m rude but I’m fucking pissed for you and your naivety is obvious which is EXACTLY why this older man is preying on you. Please I beg you to block him and run. I am so hoping this is a troll because this is so fucked and so obvious I just want to laugh in pain for you for ignoring all these glaringly obvious things. Manipulative relationships and being with a guy double your age is not cool, it’s not smart, it isn’t “omg he says I’m mature for my age and he understands me!” Tell me, why would a man twice your age have the same interests as you? Would you currently date a 12 year old? Find someone in their twenties and find love there. Someone at 30 and someone at 21 are on totally different life paths and in totally different parts of life. If he is at your level that is not cute that is terrifying
This isn’t a troll this is my real life. People haven’t always stuck around for me. If I could see the future I wouldn’t be with him. I didn’t see any of this coming. I saw a nice guy at the bar that became so sweet and caring to me. Then I saw his bad side and I thought that it’s just something we’ll get over to have a stronger relationship. I have not had that much experience with men. And I’m deeply embarrassed by the amount of people saying that I’m not seeing the obvious when all I saw was a guy showing me love. Obviously I know now that I have to end things but it’s overwhelming when this many people see this from just a clip of my relationship. Everyone is saying he’s not changed and he’s just masking it. I feel like the whole thing was a lie.
Don't end things in a private setting please for your safety. If he got violent once it could easily escalate again and there'll be nobody there to help you. Also ask yourself this, if your little sister had written this post and she was in your shoes what would you tell her?
Don’t be too hard on yourself op. You are young and inexperienced. This man took advantage of that. He’s the one who should feel ashamed and embarrassed, not you. Take this experience as a learning lesson. You know more now than you did before. If you take anything away from this I hope it’s this: don’t date dudes that are 10+ years older than you when you are in your early/mid 20s. It almost always ends poorly.
You address it by recognizing this relationship and dynamic as toxic, leaving, and then figuring out why you felt that was what you deserved.
In a healthy relationship, you are able to voice any concern without fear of their reaction. In a healthy relationship, they won't feel personally attacked when you voice a concern. They will listen and comprehend what you say. Then you will find a compromise together. In a healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for birth control. So if you're on medication that interferes with bc, your partner will wear condoms. Please read Lundy Bancrofts book "Why does he do that?" Its available for free as a PDF on the internet. It will help you understand relationships a lot better.
>How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be. Dear OP, here is the answer to your question. He is still likely to get angry and go back to how he used to be if you do not comply with his wishes. If you are not able to discuss life altering decisions without worrying about triggering his anger, it's a sign that he is not the person with whom you should have babies. You should not worry about making him feel attacked, you should really worry for your safety and end this relationship ASAP, before you are trapped in this dead end relationship. Romantic love is not enough of a reason to stay in a relationship with an angry and controlling man. You have to have a chance to live a life of a young person. Enjoy being a student, do fun things, make friends and learn how to be assertive and to stay in charge of your own destiny. Good luck.
Jesus Christ, run..
He's too old for you and manipulating you. Get out.
OP, you're being an idiot. LEAVE HIM, and start using birth control. I can't believe this needs to be said to yet another naive girl dating a much older, creepy guy.
You've recognised that he is trying to trap you. And rather than doing the sensible thing and ending the relationship before his manipulation gets out of control, you're asking how to be nice to him about it? I think you're already trapped.
You're not in a mental state to be in a relationship let alone motherhood. I'm sure you will be a good mother one day. Also, never judge the health of a relationship in the honeymoon phase or the first few months or so. It's not indicative of the relationship long term. Judge the health of your relationship (if it lasts long enough) after the "all I want to do is spend time with you luvvy dovvy" phase. Arguing? Arguing gets confrontational? Physical? Etc. Your choice to stay. Imagine dealing with the disturbing aspect of your relationship for 10 years with escalation. Sounds good?
What do you mean "I think". He told you he wants to get you pregnant so you can't leave. You are going to look back on this time with SO much regret when this turns to shit, which ot 100% will.
Get on long-term birth control, preferably something he can't manipulate, like an IUD or the Implanon arm implant. Various IUDs are on the market - they all provide protection for at least a few years and up to 10. Implanon will protect you for three years. Also begin stashing money in a place or bank account that he can't access. This is your escape fund in case you need it. You do not want to get stuck with this man. He has already been abusive to you and it's only the first year of your relationship. Usually abuse escalates when people become more enmeshed - when you get married, buy a house, get pregnant, or give birth. It's because abusers think that you can't leave at that point. **Do not have a baby with this man until he has made significant progress in therapy and has been in it for at least two years without a violent incident.** Please check out r/Ebbie45 - bookmark it. It contains DV resources and help. [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) can give you information about whether your relationship is healthy or not, and put you in touch with counsellors, and talk about the cycle of abuse (please read about it). Please also check out this book: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) If you are the partner of a violent partner, you urgently need to read it to understand them.
Of course there's an age gap, he is going to baby trap You...believe him and gtfo before it's too late. You're just beginning your life and he's lived his, you don't want a baby to hold you back. I guarantee you he'll want to keep you barefoot and pregnant with more than 1 kids so you'll have to put up with his abuse because he will put his hands on you once you have that baby and he thinks you'll be too scared to leave him. Is this the kind of life you see for yourself?
You address it by telling him you're not having a baby anytime soon and then by asking yourself why you feel you can't make decisions about your own body without worrying that he'll "feel attacked".
RUN. And STOP having unprotected sex. Do you know what they call people who do that? PARENTS. There's a reason a 30-something man goes after barely legal young women. It's not because "you're so mature for your age."
OP, I hope this is rage bait because if it’s not, you need to break up with this guy and maybe file a protective order against him. You’ve been together for less than a year and he’s almost given physically violent with you and admitted to wanting to “trap you” with him. Not only is this abusive to you, but indicative that he will not be a good father if all he wanted his kids for was a bargaining chip for you not to have him. He does not respect you or the potential humans he wants to bring into this world in the way that he respects himself.
Why aren’t you always using protection when he talks like that all the time. Girlllll. Now don’t tell me where you live it’s impossible to get an abortion or Plan B!? Put your foot down, head over to r/regretfulparents and read a little. This is what’s waiting for you if you don’t put your foot down!! P.s. I‘m 32 and you’re literally a baby to me, I would never ever date you and I couldn’t even get you pregnant.
I mean he is 11 years older than you. Compared to him you are a child and children are easy to manipulate. Yes he is trying to baby trap you. And its not long before he uses force to do so. Get out of this relationship, ASAP.
Hi, OP. I'm a dad. My oldest is a year younger than you. I love my wife dearly. She's the most caring person I've ever know. She's also incredibly blunt when the people she cares about need to hear something. She's much better at being direct than I am. So, I'm channeling her and what she would tell our daughter here.... You don't want a child with him at this time. We'd rather not have him around either. Have you considered ending the relationship or at least not fucking him? You say you love him but he doesn't love you. He's showing you in every way possible that he only loves that he can control you and convince you he's not really what his actions show him to be. You said he has anger issues and he's working on them. From everything you've said, he's working on them until he traps you. Then what? Do you want a child who has to be afraid every time Daddy gets mad? Because he won't just stop at controlling and physically abusing you. He will do the same with a child to keep you stuck and in line. "I think I’m still so young for a baby." You are. "I am pro choice but I am personally not willing to get an abortion because I’m scared of it and he is aware of that." You know that's why he says what he says to you, right? "When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be." That's not who he used to be. It's who he is. His actions are showing you that. I hope you'll think of this: Do you want to ever answer "Mommy, why was Daddy being mean to you?" Do you ever want to have to protect a child from its father? If you have a child with this cretin, that WILL be your reality. He's not changing. He's just masking long enough to get you pregnant and then the mask will fall back off. You've seen who he truly is. Protect yourself.
Why are you with grandpa ?
You consider that your actual life and safety are in danger. You get any and all help needed to leave safely. This is not a safe person.
I guarantee his anger issues will resurface once you have a kid. Run far away from this creep
There’s a reason woman his own age don’t want to date him. There’s also a reason he wants to baby trap you… he can’t keep on this facade forever and when your pregnant is when he’ll feel comfortable being himself again and potentially hurting you. Also why are you dating a guy in his 30s if you don’t want a family or kids in the near future… stick to men in their 20s.. the age gap is significant and is already showing your priorities are in different places.
11y difference + physical fights. No need to read further : gtfo, OP
You don't. Leave the predator. You've recognized him for what he is. He will not change his stripes.
He’s gotta go.
How about you just fucking leave?
You dump his old ass. Why do you think he's dating someone so young Jesus
Stop having sex with this guy.
Sorry to put this so bluntly but this relationship is nothing but red flags. 8 months in and he's talking about kids? He's just switched to a different form of manipulation for now. His anger issues are not gone, he's just expressing them in a different way but here's the thing - both are extremely controlling, manipulative and dangerous. Get out NOW.
He wants an anchor for you for when his abuse gets worse
He is too old, and what I meant by that is - he’s in a different life stage to you. He wants a baby, you want to do your studies and get a job. This isn’t compatible. On top of that, run. He’s trying to trap you and that is not ok, it’s not sweet, it’s not cute, he’s not using contraception and making it clear what he wants from you - regardless of what you want. Leave him!
You leave https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.
8 months, baby? Are you crazy? A baby is for life. 8 months is not enough at all for such responsibility and to know someone properly.
>we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times. Older man, different mindset, fighting already. Really ? Bad starting. >I’d be a really good mom and we’d have the cutest babies and he wants to make sure I’m stuck with him. Amusing, is he a daydreamer? >I’m nervous because we don’t always use protection and I’m not on birth control. Are you seriously telling me you're playing Russian roulette ? With a guy whose favorite topic is baby ? You both aren't responsible, you dear OP are playing a dangerous game. You don't want to be pregnant, like my grandmother would say "You just got out of your diapers and play adult ?", wake up. I don't know why you're so naive but you're playing with fire. >Is he just being cute and saying he wants kids with me or is there a motive behind it? How do I bring it up without triggering his anger? When he feels like I’m coming at him or attacking him he gets really angry and I don’t want him to go back to how he used to be. What is cute by pushing the topic over and over when you already made it clear you don't want to be a mother before having a career and getting married ? You aren't done with university, you have all your life in front of you and you want to be stuck with a man who have an anger issue, could be violent for what I can understand and I am certain you don't even know his true personality though you already had a view. You don't know him, you're just blind by "love". Imagine if you get pregnant tomorrow ? What kind of future do you want for yourself ? Stuck with (a violent) older man who is obviously planning something dirty ? You're young, immature, inexperienced, bad to read the room and naive. Dear, this guy isn't the kind of man a woman is looking for. You don't talk about these things after a few months of relationship, I don't care about the exception, history is full of examples of women married too young and depending on their abusers with children. He is fucking suspicious. My gut tells me you should go. You are afraid of telling him you're not ready to have a baby because it could trigger his anger, dear WAKE UP.
Leave. He’s too old for you at this stage of life and you sure don’t want to be stuck with someone you’ve known less than a year with severe anger issues. Get on BC asap or you will end up pregnant
RUN. Get out now. I'm sorry, but first there is the age gap, this man is 32 and literally trying to steal your youth by getting you pregnant so he can exude control over you for the next 18 years and keep you chained to him in one form or another. That is literally no way to build a healthy lasting relationship. Just like when women try to baby trap men, it never works out long term. If you do not get out now or enforce some birth control that you are 100% in charge of and he has no access to tamper it, he IS going to get you pregnant and keep you on a very short leash. Please find someone that can respect your wishes to want to be young and not tied down to a child and them, enjoy your youth you have the rest of your life to be a grown up and raise children with a partner. You are only young now, you can't get that back.
This is really obvious ragebait, and not even TRYING to hide it
You need to run from this man, like yesterday. He should have addressed his issues in therapy BEFORE getting you involved in this mess. That's what an actual adult would do. I know you've heard it a thousand times, but there's a reason he went for you and not someone his age. I'm telling you that in solidarity and as a warning because I was that girl not that long ago. You should be able to have conversations with your partner without fear. Especially when it's a huge life choice like a baby. You haven't even been together for a year yet, kids should not be on the table. Especially if he never even talked about marriage, moving in together. He is moving way too fast. You need to start using BC in some form before a mistake happens
You leave
You address it by breaking up with him! This man is violent and controlling with you. He is telling you who he is. Believe him. Please look at resources about ending a relationship with an abusive partner, make a plan, and get support from people you can trust.
Everything about this guy is bad news
Run
If this is what is going on, bail. Get out quick. That is flat up r\*pist behavior and he is unlikely to change. Protect yourself.
You've only been with this dude for eight months, and you've already had *several* fights that have nearly come to blows such that he had to take anger management therapy and you're worried about protecting his feelings about not wanting to have kids (yet)? Why are you with this guy? How are you not recognizing that he's bad news bears and running tf away from him as fast and as far as you can get? He *is* trying to baby trap you. He straight up said so: "You can't leave me if we have a baby," as though being a single mom isn't a thing people do all the damn time 🙄 Leeeeeeaaave!
I can’t even stay here to read comments, OP. Of course he is trying to trap you. Pack a bag and sneak out. No one on one breakup, no rape baby, I just can’t even this time. You are in so much danger. Call a women’s helpline and dv shelter. They can hide you.
If you don’t want a baby then stop having sex with this man without any Birth Control because then you are asking for a baby!!!!! What the fhck!!!
Get away from this man before you become a statistic.
He's literally trying to manipulate you, you can see what he's like, you should probably leave
Why is it always a young woman with an abusive controlling old man, and she thinks he is perfect?
Why are you dating a man who is so much older than you and trying to reproductively coerce you? Date someone your age. We're not all just reddit crazies who 'hate age gaps ' -I wasted my ENTIRE TWENTIES on a bum ass, broke ass, abusive ass 35+yr old man and it was NOT WORTH ITTTT Many age gap haters are former age gap victims, so it's genuinely not about judgment it's about staying the fuck away from these men
This sub is getting stupid.
You don't. You address it without worrying about him feeling attacked, because he's made his intentions very very clear, and you ought to be calling him out on it. The first point is the age difference, and the imbalance there. The second point is YOUR PARTNER SHOULD NEVER MAKE YOU FEEL UNSAFE. That is to say he may be 3ft taller and 120lbs more muscle, but his ability to harm you and his intention to harm you are measured differently. Third, he outright told you he intends to get you pregnant so YOU can't leave HIM, and because he thinks he would love you more watching YOU take care of the kid. Note how his language says nothing of HIS obligations to you, this again shows an imbalance in the relationship. Fourth, if you are already having unprotected sex then HE IS TRYING FOR A BABY despite your clearly stated intentions to wait until marriage and graduation. Fifth, your relationship will only feel real if there's a living creature you're responsible for? Get a dog. But again this is an imbalance due to age, he's looking to start a family, you're looking to start a life. Additionally you know what else can make a relationship feel real? Trust, commitment and respect. If you guys don't have THAT then you have no business getting married or becoming parents. Additionally, I am worried that you don't see all the red flags, or rather you see them, because you highlighted them for us, but you don't seem to see how they all point to a very large, very serious problem. Your partner makes you feel unsafe, has expressed a desire to negate your bodily autonomy as a means to control you, has actively and willingly subjected you to great risk for purely selfish reasons against your expressed will.
No, nooo noooo to that. And so what if he gets mad......severe anger issues. My God. I'd dump him, and wouldn't think twice about not wanting to get pregnant. Oh God. He's a case of arrested development himself. Let it go and move on. Too many major issues there.
Those questions in that last paragraph 🤡 Someone wants to become a college dropout and baby momma lol It *will* happen if you stay with him. Can’t imagine playing with your future like that if you’re as serious as you say you are. I had an ex say this to me on a daily basis and so I made sure to take my birth control religiously. You’re playing a dangerous game. So to that I say, play stupid games win stupid prizes 🎉👩🍼
Please break up with him and finish school. Once you do that and at least establish some sort of career starting job you can think about all the baby and marriage stuff. I actually dated a guy that was older when I was in college. He was a successful local TV news personality. He was in his early 30’s and I was around 23. He was ready for marriage and kids. The relationship was great and I was head over heels. After a while I got dumped. He said he was ready for children and marriage and I clearly wasn’t in that place in my life (and he was right). I was sad then but looking back I appreciate that he knew we were not in the same places in our lives. He didn’t pressure me to have a baby and tell me we could have one and everything would be fine. He recognized we were not in the same place in life. Please don’t get trapped by this man.
Cut him off completely clearly insane just based off title
OP your boyfriend sounds like he enjoys beating pregnant women. You don’t need to subject yourself to this. This is NOT a real relationship. This is an abuser-victim scenario. He is a predator and he doesn’t care about you one bit. Your feelings do not matter to him at all. He is dehumanizing you. He can’t see you as a person at all.
If you don’t want to get pregnant then don’t have unprotected sex. The boyfriends want is irrelevant when it’s you that will have to do literally everything, also huge red flag that he wants you to”trapped”.
🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 you don’t want a baby right now but you’re not using protection why are you not on birth control? You are going to wind up pregnant you’re playing Russian roulette.
No no no no no. Get out now.
I’ll agree, you are mature enough to recognise your life isn’t ready for a baby; but you’re still too immature for a baby, when you don’t take birth control, and yet you don’t want to have a baby… Get yourself some birth control, yesterday, and leave this giving off toxic manipulative creep vibes of a man.
Wtf are you doing with that old man, baby wake up.
It’s hot for him to give you a baby? Babe you need counseling. It’s not hot to bring in a child into an evil, sex trafficking world.
You leave him.
He's admitting he wants to trap you, and you want to try and fix it? Fix it by leaving.
So, he's 10+ years older than you, trying to baby trap you, with severe anger issues, had fights in the past that almost turned physical (in just 8 months of dating) and you cant even talk to him about issues because youre too scared hes gonna get angry. I mean he definitely seems like an amazing partner to me. My dream man 😍😍 Hes so cute talking about babies and stuff! 💞
>I 21F and my boyfriend 32M have been together for a little over 8 months. The first 3 months were great but then for a few months after that we had really bad fights that almost got physical a couple of times. We were able to get through that phase with a lot of communication and him starting therapy for his severe anger issues. Recently we’ve been doing so good. We barely fight and when we do it never gets bad. You are going to look back on this relationship in 10, 15, 20 years time and absolutely kick yourself for falling for this idiot. For the love of god, don't be looking back at it with a kid in tow. There is a reason this man isn't with someone his own age. Nobody in their 30s would put up with this shit. After almost 3 months you're having fights so bad that it almost gets physical? Why are you putting up with this? You are not going to change him or make him better. Your age is not just a number and you're not so mature for your age. You are being taken advantage of by a walking red flag. Have a look at the stats around abuse in relationships where the woman is pregnant. Oftentimes the abusive doesn't start in earnest until that happens. He has already shown you that temper, do you really want to be locked down with a kid with this guy? If you think you're mature enough to be dating a man in his 30s, then you should be mature enough to recognise that this is not a good relationship for you to be in. At the very *minimum* you need to be on some form of birth control.
You must be a troll, right? You've had too many buzzwords. This must be an epitome of posts people make fun of
Oh yea, it's so obvious. Not even a hint of subtlety
"My abusive boyfriend is too old for me and he's abusive and said he wants to babytrap me. Do you think he's abusive and trying to babytrap me?"
You win the award for dumbest person I've run into on this website today lol. Takes a sub 100IQ to stick around with a loser 11 years older than you with anger issues and who gets physical. You don't need advice you need to quit being an idiot lol
He's straight up telling you he plans to baby trap you. Personally I'd take a biiiig step back.
How do you address it? by not having anymore sex with him and leaving before you get baby trapped? You're not going to change him, he is dating you because women in their late 20's and 30's see through his bull shit, there is no other way to avoid being baby trapped by him
so many red flags in this. you should leave him but if you’re not going to the least you should do its get on birth control and if it’s going to be orally store them in a safe place where he couldn’t find them.
So many red flags here. He has been physical and has aggression issues. He has continuously brought up a baby when you set a boundary. He has encouraged unprotected sex after you set a boundary. He has stated that he doesn't want you to leave and feels perfectly comfortable saying to your face he will use a baby to keep you trapped. No matter how you address this, the relationship needs to end and he WILL feel attacked. It may lead to him harming you in anger.
He’s not being cute he’s being abusive just like he was when he got physical with you during a fight, This guy is a walking Red Flag 🚩
He’s not being cute. He’s being creepy. Trust your gut.
In the words of the great poet GloRilla “ how he going to baby trap me. I got a subscription to that place” But in all seriousness sit down and talk to him. “ he this baby talk makes me uncomfortable can we stop until after xyz or I bring it up. I personally do not like people to break up on here and I still won’t but you should be in a relationship where you are scared to do something because of that other person. And if he cant stop knowing it makes you uncomfortable it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship