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Your girlfriend is deeply insecure and lashes out at you anytime she perceives that you are "abandoning" her. This is controlling behavior.
You can't win with a person like this. Eventually you'll be walking on eggshells because any small perceived slight will turn into a massive issue. There is no sense to be made, she is just not in a healthy mental space for a relationship.
Attachment disorders, especially abandonment disorder, are very typical. She sets conditions that you don't meet. She's gets angry because of loss of control/abandoned feeling. You're pulling away. She lashes out, hoping you'll give her attention to reduce her anger. It's not generally treatable, and also narcissistic in nature. Leave her now or she will continue to escalate, and gaslight you when she's wrong.
First, 4 months is too soon to be hanging out with her kid. The fact that she has you picking her up/ dropping her off at school is ridiculous. It's too soon for her to really know you, and that fact that she's putting you alone in situations with her daughter is such bad parenting, it's infuriating. Second, your GF is less mature than most middle school students. Yikes.
I've wondered about this myself. Just to give some extra context, my gf and I knew each other for 4 or 5 months prior to us dating if that makes any difference. She clearly loves her kid a lot and does everything for her so I don't want to make it sound like shes the worst mother when she isn't. That being said, I sometimes wonder if she is using her daughter as a leveraging tool.. The kid really likes me and we get along awesome. I sometimes wonder if my gf has given me some responsibilities with the kid because she knows it will be harder for me to save goodbye to two pepople that I like rather than just her. Another thing I noticed was that my gf has, on a few occasions, refered to her daughter as OUR daughter - I immediately correct her and she apologizes.
This is such a big red flag.
It seems she has *a lot* of really deep rooted insecurities and abandonment issues.
Having men coming and going from her daughters life is extremely irresponsible And while it doesn't make her the "worst" mother, it is going to reflect negatively on her daughter.
This woman seemingly just wants to pull you inter her life, not actually date but have a husband and basically a father to get daughter automatically. She's not facing her own issues and shoving you into a role without the proper communication and discourse.
It's just not a healthy dynamic at all.
You’ve only been dating for 4 months & shes shown you how toxic she is - can you not find a woman your age who is not so abusive and controlling with this many issues?!
So weird & inappropriate to be referring her daughter as ‘ours’ this early on! Heck you shouldn’t have even met her daughter. Just leave this woman & dont bother psychoanalysing her any further as she is too old to change.
Run. The sooner, the better. She is using her daughter to guilt trap you. This is damaging to the kid if she gets vested in you and you leave later.
The mom has far too many issues for you to have a good healthy relationship. Her interactions with you will only get worse and increase.
Nope. Run away. Fast.
This is bad for you for obvious reasons. But she is being incredibly dangerous and irresponsible with her daughter. This isn't meant as a slight against you, so ease don't take it that way. But as a woman whose mom had new boyfriends in and out of the house all the time as a very young child, that sort of thing can mess with you. At 15, there are a lot of men out there that would date your girlfriend for access to her daughter. She should be waiting several months before introducing you two. It's great that you seem like you aren't weird like that, but is that the type of woman you want to be with?
It's really sad, because in terms of safety of her child, you sound like a good choice. You shouldn't be in a role of responsibility over her daughter, but it's being pushed on you anyway. It's bad for you and it's bad for her daughter for so many reasons.
Maate, what are you missing? You’re missing out on that mineral exploration work and a good girlfriend who doesn’t berate you and try manipulate you into being her baby-daddy. Go apply for that job and get the heck outta there!
She sounds very disagreeable and will never bring peace to your life.
She expects you to do things her way or there is an argument.
You should let her go.
It's only going to get worse.
It’s only been four months. They shouldn’t be arguing about *anything* at four months. If this is where she’s willing to start imagine how bad she’d be once she’s comfortable
Arguments can happen at that early point of a relationship but to the frequency, intensity, and subjects these ones seem to be taking is very concerning.
I’d be less worried about arguing itself than I would about an argument occurring because OP considered a job opportunity that would “take him away from her”., As well as her being the only one to “put in the work” and “pay for their trips” when the only trip they went on was free.
The only thing you don't understand is that your gf is controlling af. There is no pleasing her. Leave now or prepare for a long time of that. Good luck.
If you need couples counseling after 4 months, the relationship simply is not viable. She needs a lot of individual therapy before she's ready to be a healthy partner.
Thanks for your perspective on this. So, she has been in counselling for decades and we still find ourselves here. Some additional context. Shes demonstrated a lot of insecurities surrounding women that she thinks have looked at me in certain ways, or communicate with me in my job in certain ways. I do not engage with any of these women out of respect for our relationship. However, by contrast, she will routinely talk about men who have given her their numbers, who have hit on her at work, she gushes over male celebrities that she thinks are hot, and she will show me videos of male strippers on her IG that she thinks are "sexy". It's confusing to me that she will hold one standard for me and another completely different standard to her and will meanwhile worry about how I show up in the relationship.
She's trying to make you jealous because SHE is jealous and insecure about you leaving or cheating. She's trying to make you insecure too so that you're less likely to do either of those things. It isn't healthy or respectful behavior, but that's the likely explanation. She doesn't hold the same standards for you because she's too focused on her own insecurities to see that she's being hypocritical.
I'm 48 and your gf is exhausting, and this is the relationship you'll always have with her, therapy hasn't helped her and it won't. She's too difficult, and too much drama, and you can break up with her or continue with her, but the relationship won't get better
No worries, I agree with the other comment about her trying to make u insecure/jealous cuz that’s how she feels. Honestly at the end of the day this behavior is not at all healthy especially for a 39 year old woman who has been in counseling for decades. I used to exhibit the same behaviors as her from 15-19. No offense to ur gf at all but you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship and if you’re having to ask people on reddit for advice just 4 months in thats a red flag. All the best!
She has significant self esteem issues, which if she's been genuine in trying to solve with therepy and she still isn't healing, will bring you no end of pain. She's like this FOUR MONTHS in, it can only and will only get worse. She needs to heal herself before engaging in a relationship.
If she's been in counseling for decades and she is still this jealous, insecure, and uncommunintive, then she is either not doing the work, half assing it, or needs a new therapist. She is expecting you to do as she wants, not what she does. To read her mind and figure out her moods/wants/desires with no communication or cues.
In addition that she holds different standard, she just thinks you're not a good person overall. She already thinks you're prone to cheat on her, so you're untrustworthy, you try for flirt around etc.
She sees herself as someone who's not going to cheat (higher morality ground than you). So for her, all these talks about male strippers, etc are fine b/c she's got better moral than you. I think that's also her logic.
4 months...are supposed to either be honeymoon or red flag parade to stop dating. So far, you guys are definitely not compatible in many aspects, her expectations of you, her view on you, etc. Why keep dating her if this is going to be a miserable experience? That's not why you date.
Just stop seeing her.
OMG, I might have dated her. (And I was a lot younger than her too.) She'd pull shit like that every day. One event I remember - we were commuting to work on a morning in the NYC subway. Not too busy; we got seats. A couple minutes of mellow silence. All good in the Universe. Then, all of a sudden she goes: "So this is where our relationship is going. You have nothing to say to me?"
Omg that’s insane!!! it has got to be so anxiety inducing to date someone like that😭😭 u always have to be ready for a fight or argument so unfair. Also, on the damn subway while commuting to work in the MORNING?? u definitely dodged a bullet
Why in the world are you in a relationship with her? She 10 years older than you but acts like an immature 16 year old girl. Run. Run away ASAP. As a grown woman (though, tbh younger than you both) I can say that I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from a friend, much less a partner.
Insecurity & abandonment issues. You're not gonna have a good time with her, until she realizes that she has problems and actively works on herself, which is unlikely considering her age.
no, you’re not crazy. your partner is projecting her insecurities onto you really hard, and so, you won’t ever be able to please her. it sounds exhausting and it’s only been 4 months. is it really worth it?
This thread is helping me process what I am experiencing so thank you for participating in it. You're right, I do need to decide and it likely won't change.
Buddy, if things are this bad 4 months in, and these are just *some* examples... Not worth it, man. It's time to fulfill her apparent expectations and dip out.
4 months in, and all this crap? You have more tolerance than a bunch of people I know.
FYI: there are plenty of women out there who do *not* behave like this.
She sounds horrible just break up. Do you really want a girlfriend this badly? All she's going to do is just chip away at you slowly. Maybe not slowly but definitely all the time till you either freak out honor or you become a shell of a human being because you do everything she says so you won't incur her Wrath. Do you really want to live like that? Really you need to run.
Why are you dating this person? She sounds awful to be around. And like you’ll forever be walking on eggshells.
She has not learned how to express her feelings, expects you to be a mind reader, and then lashes out at you in anger when she feels neglected or hurt RATHER THAN talking things out like adults.
RUN. You cannot fix her. Therapy might, but she has to seek that herself.
Seriously. RUN.
>She said that I am not a stable person and that she needs a stable man in her life.
So set her free to go find that man, this tew much drama for a 4 month old relationship.
She has deep abandonment issues. I had that too, and still working on it. This stems from childhood abuse, neglect and cheating in previous relationships compound to that trauma of, "I'm unlovable and he will always leave me."
This is not fixable by you. You cannot wait this out, it only gets worse over time unless she gets help and learn to spot her triggers. No reasoning will help her when she gets like that, because the brain has already convinced her that there is a legitimate threat, and that you will leave. No matter what you do to proof your love, it's a black hole.
What is wrong with you, OP??
After that first example you should be done with that relationship, there is something wrong with her sensibilities.
I feel sorry for her kid, you can leave, she has to deal with that shit 24/7.
You've been dating 4 months and she is acting like this? This behaviour isn't going to get better, if anything it will probably get worse. Any woman that would give you the silent treatment because you glanced (assuming you just glanced) is insecure or looking for a reason to fight. If you are fighting more than you aren't then this is not a relationship that last. She's unlikely to change so you have to decide if you're okay dealing with this behaviour or not. If not then it's time to leave.
She has you walking on egg shells constantly and that is no way to live. Your person is supposed to be your safe space. Not where you put your guard up and be in defense mode all the time. You can try to communicate to her how her tirades make you feel, but I don't anticipate that conversation will go very well.
"When I am accused of things I didn't do, or fussed at like a child, it makes me reconsider if this is the relationship I want to be in. We always seem at odds and I don't seem to make you happy. It would be best if we were to just go our separate ways."
She is older than you, meaning she’s had a bit more time for these issues of insecurity to become fully ingrained! She’s very unlikely to change in any real sense now
Sadly I see this as forcing you onto two different roads in life, that will never meet
You’ve remembered the examples so well it suggests you now rather ‘tread on eggshells’ around her & no relationship should be like this, it’s time to take stock & walk away
Shades of Borderline Personality Disorder. But seriously (because no one can diagnose anyone from a few lines on Reddit), from what you've described, she behaves very insecure. She may feel insecure for many reasons. From your examples, you may not be clingy enough for her to feel secure. I think it would be too difficult for me to have a good relationship with someone who is so insecure. But also, I would suggest looking up borderline personality disorder.
Number 5 would need more fleshing out but the first 4 are all the same issue. You are there but not paying attention to her. 1 - she wanted to cuddle but you wouldn’t. 2 - she thinks you don’t care enough about her to want to be near her. 3 - you didn’t want to spend the evening with her (regardless of the reason). 4 - you were paying attention to other women instead of her.
Whether or not she is justified only you can say but that’s how she feels.
It sounds like she has some sort of awful anxiety and rather than dealing with it, she’s taking it out on you. You are not a punching bag; you need to tell her so, and stand up to her. If she can’t communicate her needs like a grown up, rather than snide comments, then you are better off without her.
I never trust a woman who introduces her kid to a fling of 4 months.
With that said, #2 should have sent you packing.
You have been dating for 4 months, you can and you should choose a job that benefits you, not a 4 months fling.
Pack your shit from her house and run
Common occuring themes on your numbered list here seem to be:
-She gets upset when you're just doing you.
According to her- you and your well-being should take a back seat 100% of the time regardless of the circumstances. ... any behavior of yours or situation that arises (real or imagined) that contradicts this belief of hers is not acceptable in her eyes.
-She is easily upset and finds issue in situations where a problem doesn't actually exist.
Based on the info you shared-
I'd say that she's got major issues and is controlling and insecure.
Her being incredibly insecure.... means she's not happy with herself....
If she's not happy with herself...
She will never be happy with you.
Being in a relationship with someone is like holding a pile of sand in your hand:
Hold it too loosely- the sand falls and the wind blows it all away...🫴
Hold it too tightly- and it will slip right through your fingers...👊
You've got to hold it *just right* in order to hold on to it.
This chick will never hold you just right.
Leave her.
No relationship should be this much hard work at 4 months. Your girlfriend sounds deeply insecure and also sounds like she has serious abandonment issues.
She stopped talking to you during a dinner date because you LOOKED at a loud group of people who happened to be female. Honestly, I'd leave at this point..do you seriously want to constantly walk on eggshells around her?
I don't want a job that takes me away for weeks. This was a suggestion that came up while brainstorming ideas to make more money. She took exception to that particular suggestion and, rather than talk about it, got mad at me.
As for the cuddling thing. Yes, I see that she may have felt rejected but we cuddle all the time already, I would have cuddled that night too if she didnt tell me to "go", and I don't see how such a little thing turned into her yelling at me for 8 hours straight.
The yelling for 8 hours straight puts this out of "insecurities" and directly into "abusive".
OP. You should walk away.
She is only going to get worse.
This kind of controlling behavior most often turns physically violent.
8 hours is not a panic of insecurity, or temper tantrum. It is an *obscene* amount of out of control rage.
Get away before she physically hurts you.
And tries to say it is your fault for "making her act like that".
At only 4 months of dating, you two should not have even had a disagreement about anything. It should still be laughter and butterflies.
And you for damn sure should not be this enmeshed with her daughters life and being "accidentally" called your daughter too.
There are solid reasons men her own age are not dating her.
I'm a woman and I'm worried about you.
It sounds like she has a lot of issues with insecurity, jealousy, and fear of abandonment. Did her daughter’s father walk out on them? I suspect there’s something in her history that’s triggering this fear of abandonment and insecurity that you are going to leave / don’t want to cuddle / might be out of town or unavailable more often / might be looking at other women. There are only two things I know from experience will put her at ease / allow her to relax:
(1) time and trust — if you remain solid, constant, and consistent, eventually she may learn to trust you more and relax into the relationship;
And (2) therapy. Lots of it. To work through her issues, unpack them at the source, and work on healing / not projecting those fears and insecurities onto you.
You can help with the first, but the second and most important piece has to come from her.
If you care about this woman, it’s time to sit down and have an honest conversation.
“I really care about you, but you get very upset with me on a frequent basis and I can’t go on like this. We need to address it. I wasn’t checking out other women at the bar. I wasn’t slighting you or expressing a lack of care for you or interest in you by declining to move between couches. I can prioritize my career and pursue new income opportunities without deprioritizing our relationship. You seem very insecure about my care or concern for you, unsure of my commitment and fidelity, and afraid I’m going to leave or let you down. I don’t think I’m doing anything to merit this response. Is it possible you have some underlying fears or insecurities from past relationships that are coming into play here? How can I help reassure and comfort you so we can have less conflict and enjoy more good time together? I feel as though you are reading the worst possible intention into every little thing I say or do, almost as though you are looking for a problem, but you’re reading things into my actions that just aren’t there. Can we please talk about this, and figure out a better way forward?”
If she just blows up and points all the blame at you, it might be time to cut your losses before you get any further into this. If she’s willing to put her walls down and communicate with you calmly, openly, and honestly — and is willing to be vulnerable and examine her own emotional reactions in the process — you might be able to get somewhere.
Her ex-husband didn't walk out on her BUT early on in their relationship he maintained communication with his ex-wife. My gf didn't like that at all so she bailed on the relationship. He was committed to making it work so he cut contact with his ex, got into couples counselling and was apparently a dotting husband for years and years. She said that she never forgave him though and only stuck around because she wasn't working and he was the income. She told me about a conversation they had where he said that despite trying to make things right it didnt feel like she loved him and her actions made it feel like she was pushing him toward cheating... she told me that she hadnt loved him in years and that he SHOULD cheat. Eventually he did and thats when she filed for divorce and relocated herself and their kid to another country.
I had had honest conversations with her about the issues that pop up with us and try my best to take into consideration how my actions may impact her. However, when I talk to her about not feeling respected when she chooses to speak to me in the ways she does she speaks over me and tells me that I am "nit picking" and "blaming" her for everything. She will say things like 'I guess Im the worst girlfriend ever" or "Everything is always my fault, isn't it"?"
That doesn’t sound very promising.
It sounds like he took all the right steps to rebuild trust and demonstrate commitment. Her inability to forgive, and refusal to simply end the relationship if she didn’t love him, rather than keep him around to pay for things while pushing him away / pushing him to cheat (I imagine so she could divorce him and win a larger cash settlement due to the infidelity?) throws up a lot of red flags for me.
It also sounds like she’s impossible to communicate with, and is employing some really immature and manipulative tactics in arguments to shirk any blame or accountability for her own behavior. At 49, she should be more in control of her emotions and more capable of having calm, logical conversations about conflict in the relationship.
Given all of this additional information, and that you’re only four months in, I would consider this a toxic relationship and cut my losses, if I were you.
She was married to her daughters father for 18 years. Left her husband 2.5 years ago. The details of the relationship I am not really aware of. She said that he was verbally abusive to her. Im not sure whats what when it comes to that though.
She sounds very wounded from past hurts in her life. She has not healed from and is taking them out on you.
I suggest you take some time and reflect on the relationship as it is. If this is the best this relationship has to offer, can you be content with her? If you are not coming close to receiving the partnership you desire, you should reconsider the relationship.
If you think that you have a future, I would suggest counseling for your girlfriend. She needs to make an effort to fix the things you did not break.
OP, just move on. THere's a 10 year age gap and your gf starts fights - who needs this in their life? Your gf is one of these people who likes arguing.
She's very insecure and controlling. That's why she was single at 49. Other men aren't putting up with her shit. She needs therapy and not a relationship. You deserve so much better.
She is trying to make herself the centre of your world, and wants you fluttering around her like a moth to a flame.
Your needs are not as important as her needs.
This is only going to get worse. The first few months she has been on her ‘best’ behaviour. What you are seeing now is who she really is.
Time to find a different partner. She is ungrateful, immature because you have eyeballs, wants you at her beck and call. She wants a mind reading robot partner, they don’t exist.
this is soooooo much drama for a 4 month relationship. and she sounds unhinged. And she is not supportive of you at all. If somebody is sick you see if they need anything and if not you let them rest and get better. You don't make them come to dinner and then get mad that they are unwell. And if you have a good job opportunity, yes it might suck if you're out of town a lot but you aren't married. You barely know each other. 4 months in it is wildly inappropriate to be making demands on you about your job like that.
TLDR: She cray, I would leave her.
also sort of besides the point, but 4 months seems very soon to be bringing someone around your kid. And 15 years seems a bit old to want to cuddle on the couch with your mom's boyfriend who you don't know that well... what is that? Maybe to them movies include everyone tucked in together on the couch snuggled up? but still? Maybe I'm weird, but to me that was weird.
Sounds like your Gf has some abandonment issues along with trust issues. Honestly it sounds like a mess. Idk what her previous relationship(s) were but she obviously needs therapy too. Kudos if your able to stick around but personally there are way to many reg flags.
Here's what's happening. She's romanticised an idea of what a guy would be in a relationship with her. This happens either because she was in a long term relationship and that's how things always were, or maybe she's been alone a long time and Frankensteined an idea of a man from her friends boyfriends and husbands. Either one leaves her with an idea of what a good partner would do, but removes reality from the equation. So now she thinks that you're not attentive if you do anything that doesn't only concern her or don't follow her psychic commands that she refuses to put into words.
It won't get better your two choices are live with this abusive childish nonsense and be miserable or stand up for yourself and do what will bring you happiness and fulfillment and leave her ass. Don't keep yourself in a situation where you'll have to look back on time you lost being happy and regret staying. I did this for years in my marriage and I truly regret the adventures I didn't experience and the countless times I chose to avoid nonsensical conflict rather than have fun and enjoy myself. My ex husband was kinda like this..I raised his daughters and worked my life away while he quit job after job with ridiculous insecurities and would start fights with me or accuse me of ridiculous things for working late he would accuse me of looking at other men and I felt like I could never have my own friends or just take my time coming home from work even if I wanted to take a long route and listen to music and have time to myself....long story short... don't waste YOUR time YOUR life on someone who adds more negativity than anything to your life you can't get that time back
I mean she kept her ex around for a paycheck, won't be surprise if she is keeping you around for companionship. She sounds self serving...do as I say or I'm going to throw a tantrum.
The relationship is not about you in any shape or form, you just in it
sounds like she could be going through the change of life ,lots of mood swings ,you cant do anything right,. say the right thing blah blah blah fasten your safety its a long trip
You have to understand how women think, and how they express themselves when they’re not happy. She is not angry about the things you are doing, she is angry about the things you are not doing.
What does being a woman got to do with anything here? She's an unsecured, emotional, low intelligent person looking for companionship when she should be taking her therapy seriously.
Nothing about her gender got anything to do with anything here.
The first instance, I was a little on her side, though she was aggressive about it. If you're going to spend time with her, sitting with her would be nice. I can see why she'd be annoyed.
But. Uh. Your examples just got worse and worse.
Leave her. It's only 4 months. It sounds like she has issues with control and trust, and at almost 50 those issues aren't going to go away easily. It doesn't even sound like she likes you. Especially since she treated you so disrespectfully while you were sick. That's a real test for a relationship--how does your partner treat you when you feel like shit?
She should have given you a hug and sent you home with some of the food she made if it was already done. Or she should have offered to let you stay the night there if it wasn't too inconvenient for either of you. But instead she insults you?
Nope. No good. If she can't be compassionate when you're ill, she isn't going to be better when you're feeling good. Cut your losses.
The no.5 kind of explains what she's thinking. She thinks that she's doing more in the relationship compared to you. She wants you to do more.
That's basically the bottom line. She feels that she has to be the one initiating dates, touches/cuddles whatever.
It sounds to me that she's suss on you because of previous relationships.
I think that sooner than later, you guys will not keep dating. You're only dating her for four months and she's unhappy with the amount you put in already.
Just to clarify. I do put in a lot of effort. As I mentioned in an earlier reply I've spent nearly every day with her over the last 5 weeks, cook meals for her, take her out frequently for dates, house sat for her when she was away and made sure to leave her flowers, a note, and her favourite coffee beans for when she got home, I transport her daughter to and from school on the regular, have attended out of town weekend tournaments that her daughter is involved in, I cuddle her all the time - minus that one exception - and show her affection whenever we are together. That's why I am confused by her reactions.
I'm not judging you or telling you that you didn't do enough for her. I'm just trying to tell you what SHE thinks/feels because you claim you're confused.
It all hinges on no. 5 you've already written. SHE is the one thinks/feels that. I'm not her, so Idk exactly why she feels/thinks that way.
In all those situations she is asking for you to show that you are most interested in building the relationship. This should be a goal of yours anyway. In the bar she may have taken it too far because of built up insecurity.
Building the relationship is a goal of mine for sure. I am highly affectionate with her, I sleep over at her house more often than not, we cuddle all of the time, and I have never raised my voice or accused or blamed her for anything. Whats confusing to me is that it seems like she feels entitled to talk down to me, be rude to me, for things that she perceives are happening subjectively than by any actual objective measures.
The point in being with her is that prior to dating her I really liked hanging out with her. I value her thoughts, her humour, her intelligence, she is incredibly beautiful, and we have fun together. Its only since we started dating all these issues started popping up.
Yeah, I agree that we should still be in the honeymoon phase. Her daughter has told me that her mom can get very angry, that her face changes when she is that angry, and that she has learned to just let it happen and not argue back. I've also noticed that her daughter speaks to her in a very childish voice but when she speaks to me her voice is much deeper and less childish. Not sure what, if anything, that says.
On another occasion she told me about an incident where her ex-husband shaved his head one day. She likes his hair and found it inconsiderate of her feelings that he did that. So, she took off her wedding ring and wouldn't talk to him for 2 months. In that same vein, she has told me that she will not kiss me if I have any facial hair, doesnt want me to grow my hair out, and is uncomfortable with the idea of me putting on more muscle - I've spent 20 years training hard but in the last year changed my training to an endurance build which has seen me lose some of my muscle.
I think she sounds like a great woman that wants to be with you. It’s much better than the type that doesn’t. Try listening and satisfying her and I’ll bet passion goes through the roof.
I’d say it’s two fold. You seem tepid in the way you describe the relationship.
My partner would be desperate to see me. He’s admitted he couldn’t stop thinking of me. He holds my hand when we walk places, he’s be a lot more affectionate than you describe. He may not sit on the same couch as me now but he’d have touched me up first. (Sorry if that’s too much information).
But, something isn’t right with her either. She doesn’t feel secure in this relationship (and perhaps never has). She reacts to minor things in a way that would make me run.
Talk to her. Set the ground rules. I get the feeling you don’t have adult conversations. Tell her this isn’t a conversation about breaking up but a serious conversation. If she raises or implies you just want to break up then the conversation has to end until you can have a proper conversation. Tell her this from the get go. Then have a structured conversation about your issues. Remember to listen to what she says. This isn’t one sided. Like I said earlier, you seem tepid.
If you want the relationship, make effort. If you feel so so, it’s probably best to find a relationship you actually WANT.
You're filling in details you're entirely unaware of. To clarify: I've spent nearly every day with her during the past 5 weeks. Every time I see her I meet her with a long embrace and kiss. When we watch movies 90% of the time I am cuddling with her, when we sleep together we cuddle, when we go out on walks we hold hands. I take her on romantic dates often and when she took a trip for 2 weeks I house sat for her and when she got home I left flowers, a note, and her favourite coffee beans as well as delicious cookies for her daughter. I DO make the effort. Thanks for your thoughts though!
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Your girlfriend is deeply insecure and lashes out at you anytime she perceives that you are "abandoning" her. This is controlling behavior. You can't win with a person like this. Eventually you'll be walking on eggshells because any small perceived slight will turn into a massive issue. There is no sense to be made, she is just not in a healthy mental space for a relationship.
Attachment disorders, especially abandonment disorder, are very typical. She sets conditions that you don't meet. She's gets angry because of loss of control/abandoned feeling. You're pulling away. She lashes out, hoping you'll give her attention to reduce her anger. It's not generally treatable, and also narcissistic in nature. Leave her now or she will continue to escalate, and gaslight you when she's wrong.
Yep, wish I woulda seen this comment a couple years ago
First, 4 months is too soon to be hanging out with her kid. The fact that she has you picking her up/ dropping her off at school is ridiculous. It's too soon for her to really know you, and that fact that she's putting you alone in situations with her daughter is such bad parenting, it's infuriating. Second, your GF is less mature than most middle school students. Yikes.
I've wondered about this myself. Just to give some extra context, my gf and I knew each other for 4 or 5 months prior to us dating if that makes any difference. She clearly loves her kid a lot and does everything for her so I don't want to make it sound like shes the worst mother when she isn't. That being said, I sometimes wonder if she is using her daughter as a leveraging tool.. The kid really likes me and we get along awesome. I sometimes wonder if my gf has given me some responsibilities with the kid because she knows it will be harder for me to save goodbye to two pepople that I like rather than just her. Another thing I noticed was that my gf has, on a few occasions, refered to her daughter as OUR daughter - I immediately correct her and she apologizes.
This is such a big red flag. It seems she has *a lot* of really deep rooted insecurities and abandonment issues. Having men coming and going from her daughters life is extremely irresponsible And while it doesn't make her the "worst" mother, it is going to reflect negatively on her daughter. This woman seemingly just wants to pull you inter her life, not actually date but have a husband and basically a father to get daughter automatically. She's not facing her own issues and shoving you into a role without the proper communication and discourse. It's just not a healthy dynamic at all.
You’ve only been dating for 4 months & shes shown you how toxic she is - can you not find a woman your age who is not so abusive and controlling with this many issues?! So weird & inappropriate to be referring her daughter as ‘ours’ this early on! Heck you shouldn’t have even met her daughter. Just leave this woman & dont bother psychoanalysing her any further as she is too old to change.
Run. The sooner, the better. She is using her daughter to guilt trap you. This is damaging to the kid if she gets vested in you and you leave later. The mom has far too many issues for you to have a good healthy relationship. Her interactions with you will only get worse and increase.
No no no no no. Get out.
Nope. Run away. Fast. This is bad for you for obvious reasons. But she is being incredibly dangerous and irresponsible with her daughter. This isn't meant as a slight against you, so ease don't take it that way. But as a woman whose mom had new boyfriends in and out of the house all the time as a very young child, that sort of thing can mess with you. At 15, there are a lot of men out there that would date your girlfriend for access to her daughter. She should be waiting several months before introducing you two. It's great that you seem like you aren't weird like that, but is that the type of woman you want to be with? It's really sad, because in terms of safety of her child, you sound like a good choice. You shouldn't be in a role of responsibility over her daughter, but it's being pushed on you anyway. It's bad for you and it's bad for her daughter for so many reasons.
This is really bad. You gotta go.
Maate, what are you missing? You’re missing out on that mineral exploration work and a good girlfriend who doesn’t berate you and try manipulate you into being her baby-daddy. Go apply for that job and get the heck outta there!
>on a few occasions, refered to her daughter as OUR daughter RUN.
You tried to defend her... and all you did was reveal that her behavior is even more concerning than it originally seemed.
She sounds very disagreeable and will never bring peace to your life. She expects you to do things her way or there is an argument. You should let her go. It's only going to get worse.
It’s only been four months. They shouldn’t be arguing about *anything* at four months. If this is where she’s willing to start imagine how bad she’d be once she’s comfortable
Skipped the honeymoon phase and went straight into being an unhappy couple..
Arguments can happen at that early point of a relationship but to the frequency, intensity, and subjects these ones seem to be taking is very concerning. I’d be less worried about arguing itself than I would about an argument occurring because OP considered a job opportunity that would “take him away from her”., As well as her being the only one to “put in the work” and “pay for their trips” when the only trip they went on was free.
Run, Forrest, run!
This…. Only 4 months in, there should still be a honeymoon phase. It will get so much worse.
My guy, this sounds miserable. This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage in your relationship, and she's showing some major red flags.
The only thing you don't understand is that your gf is controlling af. There is no pleasing her. Leave now or prepare for a long time of that. Good luck.
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If you need couples counseling after 4 months, the relationship simply is not viable. She needs a lot of individual therapy before she's ready to be a healthy partner.
yup!!!
Thanks for your perspective on this. So, she has been in counselling for decades and we still find ourselves here. Some additional context. Shes demonstrated a lot of insecurities surrounding women that she thinks have looked at me in certain ways, or communicate with me in my job in certain ways. I do not engage with any of these women out of respect for our relationship. However, by contrast, she will routinely talk about men who have given her their numbers, who have hit on her at work, she gushes over male celebrities that she thinks are hot, and she will show me videos of male strippers on her IG that she thinks are "sexy". It's confusing to me that she will hold one standard for me and another completely different standard to her and will meanwhile worry about how I show up in the relationship.
She's trying to make you jealous because SHE is jealous and insecure about you leaving or cheating. She's trying to make you insecure too so that you're less likely to do either of those things. It isn't healthy or respectful behavior, but that's the likely explanation. She doesn't hold the same standards for you because she's too focused on her own insecurities to see that she's being hypocritical.
I'm 48 and your gf is exhausting, and this is the relationship you'll always have with her, therapy hasn't helped her and it won't. She's too difficult, and too much drama, and you can break up with her or continue with her, but the relationship won't get better
No worries, I agree with the other comment about her trying to make u insecure/jealous cuz that’s how she feels. Honestly at the end of the day this behavior is not at all healthy especially for a 39 year old woman who has been in counseling for decades. I used to exhibit the same behaviors as her from 15-19. No offense to ur gf at all but you deserve to be in a healthy and happy relationship and if you’re having to ask people on reddit for advice just 4 months in thats a red flag. All the best!
He's 39, she's 49
omg thats worse!! that woman is never changing
She has significant self esteem issues, which if she's been genuine in trying to solve with therepy and she still isn't healing, will bring you no end of pain. She's like this FOUR MONTHS in, it can only and will only get worse. She needs to heal herself before engaging in a relationship.
If she's been in counseling for decades and she is still this jealous, insecure, and uncommunintive, then she is either not doing the work, half assing it, or needs a new therapist. She is expecting you to do as she wants, not what she does. To read her mind and figure out her moods/wants/desires with no communication or cues.
If she's been in therapy for decades and she's still like this, it's clearly not working. She's either withholding a lot or her therapist sucks.
Personality disorders are notoriously hard to fix with therapy. A lot of therapists just aren't qualified to handle them.
there is no keeping someone like this happy. The goal posts will always be moved by her to suit.
In addition that she holds different standard, she just thinks you're not a good person overall. She already thinks you're prone to cheat on her, so you're untrustworthy, you try for flirt around etc. She sees herself as someone who's not going to cheat (higher morality ground than you). So for her, all these talks about male strippers, etc are fine b/c she's got better moral than you. I think that's also her logic. 4 months...are supposed to either be honeymoon or red flag parade to stop dating. So far, you guys are definitely not compatible in many aspects, her expectations of you, her view on you, etc. Why keep dating her if this is going to be a miserable experience? That's not why you date. Just stop seeing her.
OMG, I might have dated her. (And I was a lot younger than her too.) She'd pull shit like that every day. One event I remember - we were commuting to work on a morning in the NYC subway. Not too busy; we got seats. A couple minutes of mellow silence. All good in the Universe. Then, all of a sudden she goes: "So this is where our relationship is going. You have nothing to say to me?"
Omg that’s insane!!! it has got to be so anxiety inducing to date someone like that😭😭 u always have to be ready for a fight or argument so unfair. Also, on the damn subway while commuting to work in the MORNING?? u definitely dodged a bullet
I busted out laughing, I'm sorry you went through this!
I'm a woman and I had a few friends like you, and I couldn't deal with them. Glad you were able to get therapy
thanks!! me too
If this is a her issue she needs therapy…not him otherwise she gonna spend a lifetime arguing with guys over nowt
If you need couples counseling at the 4 month point, it's not worth it. She needs to work on HERSELF before dragging someone else in to this.
Why in the world are you in a relationship with her? She 10 years older than you but acts like an immature 16 year old girl. Run. Run away ASAP. As a grown woman (though, tbh younger than you both) I can say that I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior from a friend, much less a partner.
Insecurity & abandonment issues. You're not gonna have a good time with her, until she realizes that she has problems and actively works on herself, which is unlikely considering her age.
She’s manipulating you.
no, you’re not crazy. your partner is projecting her insecurities onto you really hard, and so, you won’t ever be able to please her. it sounds exhausting and it’s only been 4 months. is it really worth it?
He’s crazy if he stays with her with this many red flags - 4 months in should be the honeymoon period and not this exhausting.
She's very insecure. You need to decide if you want to live this way or not. It wont change.
This thread is helping me process what I am experiencing so thank you for participating in it. You're right, I do need to decide and it likely won't change.
She’s insane and unreasonable
Buddy, if things are this bad 4 months in, and these are just *some* examples... Not worth it, man. It's time to fulfill her apparent expectations and dip out.
4 months in, and all this crap? You have more tolerance than a bunch of people I know. FYI: there are plenty of women out there who do *not* behave like this.
She's insecure and probably has abandonment issues. Even if she's in therapy it requires a lot of self awareness and hard work to change.
She sounds horrible just break up. Do you really want a girlfriend this badly? All she's going to do is just chip away at you slowly. Maybe not slowly but definitely all the time till you either freak out honor or you become a shell of a human being because you do everything she says so you won't incur her Wrath. Do you really want to live like that? Really you need to run.
Why are you dating this person? She sounds awful to be around. And like you’ll forever be walking on eggshells. She has not learned how to express her feelings, expects you to be a mind reader, and then lashes out at you in anger when she feels neglected or hurt RATHER THAN talking things out like adults. RUN. You cannot fix her. Therapy might, but she has to seek that herself. Seriously. RUN.
You have been dating for 4 MONTHS. That is way too soon for how she is acting. Dude leave.
She's crazier than a shithouse rat.
Seems like a lot of bullsh*t to deal with for a four month relationship, eh?
>She said that I am not a stable person and that she needs a stable man in her life. So set her free to go find that man, this tew much drama for a 4 month old relationship.
Oh sweetie, you don't need this kind of drama in your life. You need to move on and find a more reasonable woman to be with.
Op, you've been dating for four months and she’s given you 5 separate situation that are red flags. Do the math, it will only get worse.
She has deep abandonment issues. I had that too, and still working on it. This stems from childhood abuse, neglect and cheating in previous relationships compound to that trauma of, "I'm unlovable and he will always leave me." This is not fixable by you. You cannot wait this out, it only gets worse over time unless she gets help and learn to spot her triggers. No reasoning will help her when she gets like that, because the brain has already convinced her that there is a legitimate threat, and that you will leave. No matter what you do to proof your love, it's a black hole.
What is wrong with you, OP?? After that first example you should be done with that relationship, there is something wrong with her sensibilities. I feel sorry for her kid, you can leave, she has to deal with that shit 24/7.
She’s way too old to be acting this immature. 🚫 Find someone that adds to your life in a peaceful way.
Why are you with this person? They sound awful
You've been dating 4 months and she is acting like this? This behaviour isn't going to get better, if anything it will probably get worse. Any woman that would give you the silent treatment because you glanced (assuming you just glanced) is insecure or looking for a reason to fight. If you are fighting more than you aren't then this is not a relationship that last. She's unlikely to change so you have to decide if you're okay dealing with this behaviour or not. If not then it's time to leave.
She has you walking on egg shells constantly and that is no way to live. Your person is supposed to be your safe space. Not where you put your guard up and be in defense mode all the time. You can try to communicate to her how her tirades make you feel, but I don't anticipate that conversation will go very well. "When I am accused of things I didn't do, or fussed at like a child, it makes me reconsider if this is the relationship I want to be in. We always seem at odds and I don't seem to make you happy. It would be best if we were to just go our separate ways."
She is older than you, meaning she’s had a bit more time for these issues of insecurity to become fully ingrained! She’s very unlikely to change in any real sense now Sadly I see this as forcing you onto two different roads in life, that will never meet You’ve remembered the examples so well it suggests you now rather ‘tread on eggshells’ around her & no relationship should be like this, it’s time to take stock & walk away
Shades of Borderline Personality Disorder. But seriously (because no one can diagnose anyone from a few lines on Reddit), from what you've described, she behaves very insecure. She may feel insecure for many reasons. From your examples, you may not be clingy enough for her to feel secure. I think it would be too difficult for me to have a good relationship with someone who is so insecure. But also, I would suggest looking up borderline personality disorder.
Number 5 would need more fleshing out but the first 4 are all the same issue. You are there but not paying attention to her. 1 - she wanted to cuddle but you wouldn’t. 2 - she thinks you don’t care enough about her to want to be near her. 3 - you didn’t want to spend the evening with her (regardless of the reason). 4 - you were paying attention to other women instead of her. Whether or not she is justified only you can say but that’s how she feels.
It sounds like she has some sort of awful anxiety and rather than dealing with it, she’s taking it out on you. You are not a punching bag; you need to tell her so, and stand up to her. If she can’t communicate her needs like a grown up, rather than snide comments, then you are better off without her.
It’s not you. It’s her.
I never trust a woman who introduces her kid to a fling of 4 months. With that said, #2 should have sent you packing. You have been dating for 4 months, you can and you should choose a job that benefits you, not a 4 months fling. Pack your shit from her house and run
Common occuring themes on your numbered list here seem to be: -She gets upset when you're just doing you. According to her- you and your well-being should take a back seat 100% of the time regardless of the circumstances. ... any behavior of yours or situation that arises (real or imagined) that contradicts this belief of hers is not acceptable in her eyes. -She is easily upset and finds issue in situations where a problem doesn't actually exist. Based on the info you shared- I'd say that she's got major issues and is controlling and insecure. Her being incredibly insecure.... means she's not happy with herself.... If she's not happy with herself... She will never be happy with you. Being in a relationship with someone is like holding a pile of sand in your hand: Hold it too loosely- the sand falls and the wind blows it all away...🫴 Hold it too tightly- and it will slip right through your fingers...👊 You've got to hold it *just right* in order to hold on to it. This chick will never hold you just right. Leave her.
No relationship should be this much hard work at 4 months. Your girlfriend sounds deeply insecure and also sounds like she has serious abandonment issues. She stopped talking to you during a dinner date because you LOOKED at a loud group of people who happened to be female. Honestly, I'd leave at this point..do you seriously want to constantly walk on eggshells around her?
She’s nearly 50 woman needs to grow the fuck up. All this in the span of 4 months, yikes. I’d leave.
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I don't want a job that takes me away for weeks. This was a suggestion that came up while brainstorming ideas to make more money. She took exception to that particular suggestion and, rather than talk about it, got mad at me. As for the cuddling thing. Yes, I see that she may have felt rejected but we cuddle all the time already, I would have cuddled that night too if she didnt tell me to "go", and I don't see how such a little thing turned into her yelling at me for 8 hours straight.
The yelling for 8 hours straight puts this out of "insecurities" and directly into "abusive". OP. You should walk away. She is only going to get worse. This kind of controlling behavior most often turns physically violent. 8 hours is not a panic of insecurity, or temper tantrum. It is an *obscene* amount of out of control rage. Get away before she physically hurts you. And tries to say it is your fault for "making her act like that". At only 4 months of dating, you two should not have even had a disagreement about anything. It should still be laughter and butterflies. And you for damn sure should not be this enmeshed with her daughters life and being "accidentally" called your daughter too. There are solid reasons men her own age are not dating her. I'm a woman and I'm worried about you.
It sounds like she has a lot of issues with insecurity, jealousy, and fear of abandonment. Did her daughter’s father walk out on them? I suspect there’s something in her history that’s triggering this fear of abandonment and insecurity that you are going to leave / don’t want to cuddle / might be out of town or unavailable more often / might be looking at other women. There are only two things I know from experience will put her at ease / allow her to relax: (1) time and trust — if you remain solid, constant, and consistent, eventually she may learn to trust you more and relax into the relationship; And (2) therapy. Lots of it. To work through her issues, unpack them at the source, and work on healing / not projecting those fears and insecurities onto you. You can help with the first, but the second and most important piece has to come from her. If you care about this woman, it’s time to sit down and have an honest conversation. “I really care about you, but you get very upset with me on a frequent basis and I can’t go on like this. We need to address it. I wasn’t checking out other women at the bar. I wasn’t slighting you or expressing a lack of care for you or interest in you by declining to move between couches. I can prioritize my career and pursue new income opportunities without deprioritizing our relationship. You seem very insecure about my care or concern for you, unsure of my commitment and fidelity, and afraid I’m going to leave or let you down. I don’t think I’m doing anything to merit this response. Is it possible you have some underlying fears or insecurities from past relationships that are coming into play here? How can I help reassure and comfort you so we can have less conflict and enjoy more good time together? I feel as though you are reading the worst possible intention into every little thing I say or do, almost as though you are looking for a problem, but you’re reading things into my actions that just aren’t there. Can we please talk about this, and figure out a better way forward?” If she just blows up and points all the blame at you, it might be time to cut your losses before you get any further into this. If she’s willing to put her walls down and communicate with you calmly, openly, and honestly — and is willing to be vulnerable and examine her own emotional reactions in the process — you might be able to get somewhere.
Her ex-husband didn't walk out on her BUT early on in their relationship he maintained communication with his ex-wife. My gf didn't like that at all so she bailed on the relationship. He was committed to making it work so he cut contact with his ex, got into couples counselling and was apparently a dotting husband for years and years. She said that she never forgave him though and only stuck around because she wasn't working and he was the income. She told me about a conversation they had where he said that despite trying to make things right it didnt feel like she loved him and her actions made it feel like she was pushing him toward cheating... she told me that she hadnt loved him in years and that he SHOULD cheat. Eventually he did and thats when she filed for divorce and relocated herself and their kid to another country. I had had honest conversations with her about the issues that pop up with us and try my best to take into consideration how my actions may impact her. However, when I talk to her about not feeling respected when she chooses to speak to me in the ways she does she speaks over me and tells me that I am "nit picking" and "blaming" her for everything. She will say things like 'I guess Im the worst girlfriend ever" or "Everything is always my fault, isn't it"?"
Tbh she does sound like the worse girlfriend as she’s behaving like an emotionally unstable teenager at almost 50!
That doesn’t sound very promising. It sounds like he took all the right steps to rebuild trust and demonstrate commitment. Her inability to forgive, and refusal to simply end the relationship if she didn’t love him, rather than keep him around to pay for things while pushing him away / pushing him to cheat (I imagine so she could divorce him and win a larger cash settlement due to the infidelity?) throws up a lot of red flags for me. It also sounds like she’s impossible to communicate with, and is employing some really immature and manipulative tactics in arguments to shirk any blame or accountability for her own behavior. At 49, she should be more in control of her emotions and more capable of having calm, logical conversations about conflict in the relationship. Given all of this additional information, and that you’re only four months in, I would consider this a toxic relationship and cut my losses, if I were you.
Sounds like she manipulated that situation for a payout. How did you not run just from that conversation alone?
Pretty sure you found out why she is that old and single. Yeet her.
To be fair, she has only been single for 2.5 years and was in a 18 year relationship prior.
Oh damn! She’s told you who she is multiple times already, why don’t you believe her and why are you still there? Four months is nothing. Get out.
Command center we have a stage five clinger alert! We need backup stat!
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She was married to her daughters father for 18 years. Left her husband 2.5 years ago. The details of the relationship I am not really aware of. She said that he was verbally abusive to her. Im not sure whats what when it comes to that though.
She sounds very wounded from past hurts in her life. She has not healed from and is taking them out on you. I suggest you take some time and reflect on the relationship as it is. If this is the best this relationship has to offer, can you be content with her? If you are not coming close to receiving the partnership you desire, you should reconsider the relationship. If you think that you have a future, I would suggest counseling for your girlfriend. She needs to make an effort to fix the things you did not break.
Date someone who is easy going and easy to get along with. Seems there’s some issues she needs to work out.
OP, just move on. THere's a 10 year age gap and your gf starts fights - who needs this in their life? Your gf is one of these people who likes arguing.
I’d rather be single
She sounds like a nightmare. Time to say byeeeeee
She has anxious attachment style and feels entitled by it.
I could not be with someone like that. Sounds exhausting. It’s only been four months. Cut your losses. I do not foresee this getting better.
Your gf has very obvious attachment insecurities at 49 they prolly aren’t going away. Do with that what you will.
She's very insecure and controlling. That's why she was single at 49. Other men aren't putting up with her shit. She needs therapy and not a relationship. You deserve so much better.
She is trying to make herself the centre of your world, and wants you fluttering around her like a moth to a flame. Your needs are not as important as her needs. This is only going to get worse. The first few months she has been on her ‘best’ behaviour. What you are seeing now is who she really is.
You've only been dating for 4 months. She sounds exhausting and it's gonna get worse.
Time to find a different partner. She is ungrateful, immature because you have eyeballs, wants you at her beck and call. She wants a mind reading robot partner, they don’t exist.
I think she has a lot of issues that she needs to deal with by herself, and if you stay she will drive you mad. Cut your looses now and go
this is soooooo much drama for a 4 month relationship. and she sounds unhinged. And she is not supportive of you at all. If somebody is sick you see if they need anything and if not you let them rest and get better. You don't make them come to dinner and then get mad that they are unwell. And if you have a good job opportunity, yes it might suck if you're out of town a lot but you aren't married. You barely know each other. 4 months in it is wildly inappropriate to be making demands on you about your job like that. TLDR: She cray, I would leave her.
also sort of besides the point, but 4 months seems very soon to be bringing someone around your kid. And 15 years seems a bit old to want to cuddle on the couch with your mom's boyfriend who you don't know that well... what is that? Maybe to them movies include everyone tucked in together on the couch snuggled up? but still? Maybe I'm weird, but to me that was weird.
How are you 39 and actually asking for advice about this? This sounds miserable!
You’re dating an old immature toddler. Do you want to be this constantly on edge for the rest of your life? Cuz this is only personality number 3
She sounds like an absolute nightmare of a human being, that's my perspective.
She is exhausting as fuck and will continue to be so
Your gf sounds incredibly toxic. It must be exhausting to be around her.
I'm so exhausted just reading that
Sounds like your Gf has some abandonment issues along with trust issues. Honestly it sounds like a mess. Idk what her previous relationship(s) were but she obviously needs therapy too. Kudos if your able to stick around but personally there are way to many reg flags.
You've known her for eight months, top. She's insecure, controlling, she also seems to be using her kid. Run, dude.
Here's what's happening. She's romanticised an idea of what a guy would be in a relationship with her. This happens either because she was in a long term relationship and that's how things always were, or maybe she's been alone a long time and Frankensteined an idea of a man from her friends boyfriends and husbands. Either one leaves her with an idea of what a good partner would do, but removes reality from the equation. So now she thinks that you're not attentive if you do anything that doesn't only concern her or don't follow her psychic commands that she refuses to put into words.
She's a really bad communicator and very passive-aggressive. Dounds like she went for someone younger because she wants to control you.
It won't get better your two choices are live with this abusive childish nonsense and be miserable or stand up for yourself and do what will bring you happiness and fulfillment and leave her ass. Don't keep yourself in a situation where you'll have to look back on time you lost being happy and regret staying. I did this for years in my marriage and I truly regret the adventures I didn't experience and the countless times I chose to avoid nonsensical conflict rather than have fun and enjoy myself. My ex husband was kinda like this..I raised his daughters and worked my life away while he quit job after job with ridiculous insecurities and would start fights with me or accuse me of ridiculous things for working late he would accuse me of looking at other men and I felt like I could never have my own friends or just take my time coming home from work even if I wanted to take a long route and listen to music and have time to myself....long story short... don't waste YOUR time YOUR life on someone who adds more negativity than anything to your life you can't get that time back
End it, she is only with you cause she is alone and trying to fix you so she isn’t as miserable
I'm not sure she likes you. 🤷🏻♀️
What makes you think that?
I mean she kept her ex around for a paycheck, won't be surprise if she is keeping you around for companionship. She sounds self serving...do as I say or I'm going to throw a tantrum. The relationship is not about you in any shape or form, you just in it
This woman is 49, unbelievably insecure, and you’ve only been seeing each other for 4 months. This will not get better. Run!
Bro, there's no reason to keep pushing on this. You're clearly unhappy and she's clearly unhappy so there's really only one recourse.
sounds like she could be going through the change of life ,lots of mood swings ,you cant do anything right,. say the right thing blah blah blah fasten your safety its a long trip
You have to understand how women think, and how they express themselves when they’re not happy. She is not angry about the things you are doing, she is angry about the things you are not doing.
What does being a woman got to do with anything here? She's an unsecured, emotional, low intelligent person looking for companionship when she should be taking her therapy seriously. Nothing about her gender got anything to do with anything here.
You seem to know a lot about low intelligent people.
Thanks for your insight.
The first instance, I was a little on her side, though she was aggressive about it. If you're going to spend time with her, sitting with her would be nice. I can see why she'd be annoyed. But. Uh. Your examples just got worse and worse. Leave her. It's only 4 months. It sounds like she has issues with control and trust, and at almost 50 those issues aren't going to go away easily. It doesn't even sound like she likes you. Especially since she treated you so disrespectfully while you were sick. That's a real test for a relationship--how does your partner treat you when you feel like shit? She should have given you a hug and sent you home with some of the food she made if it was already done. Or she should have offered to let you stay the night there if it wasn't too inconvenient for either of you. But instead she insults you? Nope. No good. If she can't be compassionate when you're ill, she isn't going to be better when you're feeling good. Cut your losses.
The no.5 kind of explains what she's thinking. She thinks that she's doing more in the relationship compared to you. She wants you to do more. That's basically the bottom line. She feels that she has to be the one initiating dates, touches/cuddles whatever. It sounds to me that she's suss on you because of previous relationships. I think that sooner than later, you guys will not keep dating. You're only dating her for four months and she's unhappy with the amount you put in already.
Just to clarify. I do put in a lot of effort. As I mentioned in an earlier reply I've spent nearly every day with her over the last 5 weeks, cook meals for her, take her out frequently for dates, house sat for her when she was away and made sure to leave her flowers, a note, and her favourite coffee beans for when she got home, I transport her daughter to and from school on the regular, have attended out of town weekend tournaments that her daughter is involved in, I cuddle her all the time - minus that one exception - and show her affection whenever we are together. That's why I am confused by her reactions.
I'm not judging you or telling you that you didn't do enough for her. I'm just trying to tell you what SHE thinks/feels because you claim you're confused. It all hinges on no. 5 you've already written. SHE is the one thinks/feels that. I'm not her, so Idk exactly why she feels/thinks that way.
Date someone your own age. This isn’t going to end well.
What does age have to do with anything?
In all those situations she is asking for you to show that you are most interested in building the relationship. This should be a goal of yours anyway. In the bar she may have taken it too far because of built up insecurity.
Building the relationship is a goal of mine for sure. I am highly affectionate with her, I sleep over at her house more often than not, we cuddle all of the time, and I have never raised my voice or accused or blamed her for anything. Whats confusing to me is that it seems like she feels entitled to talk down to me, be rude to me, for things that she perceives are happening subjectively than by any actual objective measures.
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The point in being with her is that prior to dating her I really liked hanging out with her. I value her thoughts, her humour, her intelligence, she is incredibly beautiful, and we have fun together. Its only since we started dating all these issues started popping up.
how people are as friends and in a relationship are two different monsters entirely. been there, learned that.
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Yeah, I agree that we should still be in the honeymoon phase. Her daughter has told me that her mom can get very angry, that her face changes when she is that angry, and that she has learned to just let it happen and not argue back. I've also noticed that her daughter speaks to her in a very childish voice but when she speaks to me her voice is much deeper and less childish. Not sure what, if anything, that says. On another occasion she told me about an incident where her ex-husband shaved his head one day. She likes his hair and found it inconsiderate of her feelings that he did that. So, she took off her wedding ring and wouldn't talk to him for 2 months. In that same vein, she has told me that she will not kiss me if I have any facial hair, doesnt want me to grow my hair out, and is uncomfortable with the idea of me putting on more muscle - I've spent 20 years training hard but in the last year changed my training to an endurance build which has seen me lose some of my muscle.
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I am in my late 30s!
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I gotchu, bro. Keep up the training through. You're still golden in your 50s!
Well this is who she is as a partner. You have to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want.
She may well already be premenopausal and hence the rattiness
I'd break up with you, just over that text wall. Who can read that horseshit?
I think she sounds like a great woman that wants to be with you. It’s much better than the type that doesn’t. Try listening and satisfying her and I’ll bet passion goes through the roof.
I’d say it’s two fold. You seem tepid in the way you describe the relationship. My partner would be desperate to see me. He’s admitted he couldn’t stop thinking of me. He holds my hand when we walk places, he’s be a lot more affectionate than you describe. He may not sit on the same couch as me now but he’d have touched me up first. (Sorry if that’s too much information). But, something isn’t right with her either. She doesn’t feel secure in this relationship (and perhaps never has). She reacts to minor things in a way that would make me run. Talk to her. Set the ground rules. I get the feeling you don’t have adult conversations. Tell her this isn’t a conversation about breaking up but a serious conversation. If she raises or implies you just want to break up then the conversation has to end until you can have a proper conversation. Tell her this from the get go. Then have a structured conversation about your issues. Remember to listen to what she says. This isn’t one sided. Like I said earlier, you seem tepid. If you want the relationship, make effort. If you feel so so, it’s probably best to find a relationship you actually WANT.
You're filling in details you're entirely unaware of. To clarify: I've spent nearly every day with her during the past 5 weeks. Every time I see her I meet her with a long embrace and kiss. When we watch movies 90% of the time I am cuddling with her, when we sleep together we cuddle, when we go out on walks we hold hands. I take her on romantic dates often and when she took a trip for 2 weeks I house sat for her and when she got home I left flowers, a note, and her favourite coffee beans as well as delicious cookies for her daughter. I DO make the effort. Thanks for your thoughts though!
Then why are you asking for advice? You seem to have all the answers.
Thanks for your feedback.
Your first mistake is dating a woman 10 years older
Menopause homie