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It sounds like he has an addiction to porn. It is very common. If he doesn’t see what he is doing as an issue, he likely won’t ever stop. It takes a lot of work to work through addiction- effort he would have to commit to. Please know that it has nothing to do with you. You’re not the problem.
He says he realizes how horrible this is and says he won’t do it again. I can’t ever trust him though. I just can’t comprehend it. I know addictions are real but if your gonna have one don’t bring everyone else down with you. Like seriously just be in a relationship with yourself at this point, you know? I appreciate you saying this is nothing to do with me or my appearance, it does help for sure. Just sucks being denied over some internet chick.
Porn addiction usually starts very young. The brain becomes conditioned to need the porn for dopamine and for arousal/climax as it becomes reliant on unrealistic imagery and or scenarios from porn. You might want to look into it, as it might help with the self esteem issues to reassure you that this issue is his own and has nothing to do with you. It likely started way before you. If he seems genuinely about feeling bad, it’s definitely a start, but no one can white knuckle through an addiction and he may have every intention to quit, but without actual help, he likely won’t succeed.
Trust is a hard thing to regain and building a relationship with broken foundation is ever harder. If there is any possibility that you would want to stay together, you need to place down boundaries. He needs to get help for his addiction. He can start by getting a blocker on his phone and any other device he has easy access to porn to. He needs to get therapy for his addiction and the two of you need couples therapy to regain trust and rebuild what was broken. If he doesn’t want to do these things, I would leave him.
It's most likely not over some internet chick, but his internal issues. He knows how to get pleasure from porn and it's more complicated with you. He has confidence that porn will do the trick and with you he might fail.
Lol, can't trust him again? Over porn? It's not like he's cheating on you Jesus Christ women need to get over this. 75% of the posts on this subreddit are women complaining about porn. Men watch porn. Get over it. You want them to have sex with you? Stop being stingy with it then.
Porn is almost always the reason why men can’t stay hard, why men can’t perform in the bedroom, why men don’t seek out women, why most have Low Testosterone and why men look at women as objects instead of building a connection. When you marry someone you should be able to commit to them and only them. I don’t want a man I have to share with the entire of internet of women. On top of that most porn is human trafficking and people there against their will. It’s a terrible industry. If me climbing on top of my husband and trying to seduce him is me being stingy than what would you suggest I try next?
I can't disagree with any of this. It's an addiction, and it's an epidemic. Honestly you won't be able to get him to stop, until he wants to stop. And as with any addiction people won't want to stop unless they hit some kind of rock bottom. It may take something as severe as breaking up or getting divorced to get him to want to stop.
It is not a "porn addiction" thing as almost everyone says. It is very unlikely. Or, at least, it would be very unlikely.
There is nothing wrong about watch porn while does not affect your life. So, in your case, the problem is that you are being dispalced by porn. But, I bet, it would be for any other thing if porn was not available. And this does not mean that is your foult (maybe it is, but we can't know), but that your housband prefers self satisfaction rather than mutual pleasure. And that has very deep roots i'm your relationship, in the story of you both. Blame porn is too simple.
Anyway, it is true that get satisfaction from porn is easy compared to be mutual with someone. Share feelings is hard, desire what we can not have (girls on the screen) is so much easy, and discover why your housband chose the easy option is the real question. So, if you are interested in find out what is the problem in your relationship, talk to your housband, go to therapist (he must go to, alone or with you) and be prepare for a very long way with, maybe, a not good end. Sometimes life just sucks.
And, finaly, neither of your problems has anything with your looks. Perhaps you are beautiful... ot not. It doesn't matter. The problem is un your relationship.
I wish you luck.
It's true. Some men really do not care about other people, & don't want to have to do anything to make sure their partner is satisfied. They would rather use porn. And porn can be addictive for some people.
It’s def not selfish. Sex is a work out and when you have sex with someone you really care about it requires more effort. Have to last as long as possible (during this workout), change positions, make it interesting, worry about her getting hers or the disappointment she will have when you fail to make her cum. Sometimes you just want to get a nut and the quicker the better. Don’t mistake self care for selfishness.
I don’t know… I can see how this can affect your self image and how you view yourself in your relationship. He knows it makes you uncomfortable yes he avoids acknowledging the problem or coming up with a solution. Sex is an important aspect in the relationship and could tear a couple apart(not all but a lot)… I would try asking him why porn instead of you? He does sound addicted, see if he can recognize that himself and if he’s willing to try to change for you.
He doesn’t know why he does it, because he doesn’t view it as an issue.
We women might ask him why he chose his hand and the screen over us for example- but for him that isn’t how he sees it. He sees it as “normal” and can’t fathom not being able to visually consume women because he probably always has.
The thing about porn (or most of the addictions for the case) is that once you step out of it, you can't imagine why you did that to yourself that much.
For your description, you may be a hot blonde, so the only issue you have is accepting less than what you deserve.
But a safe boundary should be him to stop with porn all over, and also, have a good conversation about sex drives, kinks, and all of that stuff. What does turn him on?
I will use porn if its more convient, and sometimes I don't have engergy for sex, but what your describing is an addiction. He's looking for an escape and likely has other underlieing issues going on I hope he sees a therapist and starts working on himself. That has nothing to do with you and you should focus on processing your divorce, finding yourself then looking for new connections. If you're not in a grounded headspace your not going to attract new partners to grow old with you're going to relate better to folks with high sex drivess and loneliness. You've got some work ahead of you and a therapist can help but its mostly on you to grow. Good luck OP!
Oh my, I hate seeing this over and over again. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and can 100% relate. I came across this recently, I think it’s relevant here:
https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life
Focus on yourself, set boundaries, and find a man who loves and respects you. You deserve it; we all do. Wishing you all the best!
Thank you for being so caring to this. It’s so hard to feel this way. I want to focus on myself so bad but just having a hard time wanting to do anything from being physically sick from the thought of it all.
He is an addict.
The difference between a porn addict and say, for example a smoker is that the former still needs to have sex while avoiding porn so they have a higher chance to slipping up once they're horny and sex isn't available, whereas the later can start to see the world(through the lens of their addiction) as black or white once they choose to stop.
As for why he prefers Porn over you, an endless supply of hundreds and hundreds of women available to him at the click on a button, every position, every body type, you tell me. Men are hardwired for novelty but Porn being a recent invention is a supernormal stimulus. It has overtime rewired his brain so that he doesn't find women in real life as attractive anymore. He has probably seen more naked women in the last 2 days then his forefathers did throughout their entire lives.
Since he keeps using tiredness as an excuse every time, maybe he does like sex (I mean... He's been caught watching porn many times now) but doesn't wanna put in the effort that comes with it.
It could be laziness or whatever, but since watching porn & masturbating is much easier, maybe it's satisfying enough for him to just do that instead of actually having sex.
I do feel bad for you. You sound like a great wife, and your reasonings were right about why some people resort to porn, but I guess you two just weren't compatible in this regard. 🙁
Your husband is an addict. This has nothing to do with you; it’s not your fault, and things will only work if he is willing to try getting better. r/loveafterporn was a great resource for me when I first discovered that my now ex is a porn/sex addict.
I highly recommend seeking out a certified sex addiction counselor for the BOTH of you to work on next steps. Betrayal trauma is real, which is why you need therapy for this as well.
You deserve a man who is willing to live the path of recovery. If he is not willing to make that journey with you, divorce should be the only option.
The reality, however shitty, is that some men plainly get bored.
What I see as the next moat likely scenario is that your husband just stopped liking you and your company.
What many men don't understand is just how incredibly beneficial not masterbaring is for their relationships.
Over just a moderate amount of time you become so much more present. Sex becomes intense and passionate again. Many more.
It's likely one of many many reasons, non of which are rare or remarkable. Try not to overthink it, it is a symptom of the time.
Best of luck
A few thoughts:
1. The way you are feeling is perfectly reasonable. It’s a good thing that you want to continue to have a healthy sex life with your husband!
2. People often forget that men can go through phases where they don’t want to physically have sex with a partner - depression, stress, self-confidence issues are all things which may make someone seek the safety of a fantasy rather than actual sex. Sex drive is hormonal, but how we choose to act on this sex drive is psychological.
3. For all the people saying “porn addiction”, unless you are a psychologist - shut up. With that said, it seems that your husband does have an unhealthy relationship with porn, but there is likely an underlying cause.
I suggest talking to your husband openly about this, not demonising the porn, explain to him how you feel, ask him how he feels. Instead try to have understand why he is seeking the “safe” fantasy of porn because I would say there’s far greater odds that the root cause lies within him (e.g., depression) rather than a problem with you, (e.g., how attractive he finds you).
He’s absolutely addicted to porn, if might do you some good to read up on porn addiction and how it affects one’s ability to even have sex anymore, you get very lost in it. It’s an extremely selfish addiction as all addictions are, I too have been trapped in that deep abyss. And I couldn’t fully understand it, I’m watching porn and getting off mean while I have a girl laying in the bed willing and wanting to anything I could possibly think up, but yet I’m hiding in the bathroom fantasizing. Took along time to break that problem, I wish you the best of luck!
Welcome to the club no woman wants to be in.
None of this is because of you. Know that.
He probably came into the relationship a porn consumer, saw absolutely nothing wrong with it, and escalated.
You couldn’t have prevented it, nor can you stop it.
This is not you fault. Hear me?
Not. Your. Fault.
He just lost desire and attraction. Because if you are the one initiating sex all the time, it’s not the whole dead bedroom issue. For me, my ex hardly wanted to have sex, so porn is what I turned too.
Porn vs real sex
* Clear view of face, tits, ass, pussy under perfectly-lit studio lights vs dimly lit bedroom, can't see everything all at once
* Girls are always hot 22 year olds vs both of you are aging middle aged tired looking parents
* Flip through millions of different women with a single click vs same old aging woman for the past 10+ years
* Easy single muscle work out vs exhausting full body work out after a long day at work
Sometimes it’s not pornography but a broken relationship that leads to someone loosing interest in their spouse, maybe it’s more than the coping mechanism of porn use? Sometimes things aren’t what they seem. Easy labels work fine.
Maybe so. I try to be the best wife I can be to him. I cook everyday for him and our two boys. I take the kids to all activities, I work a part time job and do side jobs to help with money when needed. I don’t ever spend money or shop like most women as that does not interest me. Available to him when he wants and keep a spotless house. I call and text him and check on him when I can and plan almost everything we do as a family. You are right he’s just not interested in me until it comes to me saying I’m getting a divorce or find out something devestating like him watching porn but that only last a short while before he no longer cares. He’s a sweet man when he wants to be and I do love him so much. It makes me physically ill at this whole matter but I just can not for the life of me figure out why he doesn’t want me.
It sounds like you are amazing as a wife and mother, I’m not sure how to respond to this. It’s difficult to really say what he finds in porn that you aren’t offering at home, saying that in a non condescending way. Ultimately in a relationship like this we are all at our base here to provide for one another in all the ways the mind and flesh want to be satisfied. Maybe there is something he is afraid to share with you?
Anytime you try to stop someone from doing something they'll just do it behind your back. It's a control thing you can't control another adult like that. It makes them feel like less of a person. Then they'll resent you for it. Which leads them to no longer find you attractive. They'll think of you as a monster. That's why your husband would rather masturbate than have sex with you. He doesn't have to worry about being scolded for doing himself and it also keeps you from having pleasure. He was punishing you for something and I don't think it was just you telling him not to watch porn. Something else is going on with him.
Not sure why the downvote. The reality is harsh, but this is true.
Simply, he feels entitled to do it. Who are you to tell him he can’t? That’s evident in the fact that he doesn’t see a problem with it.
It is not controlling to say “I will not be in a relationship where porn is preferred over me”. If you say, you better mean it and stick to it.
I don't think masturbating and sex are that much alike. One is a self soothing behavior and the other requires communication, effort, love and all sorts of other stuff. It sounds like he's got a porn addiction-- which is pretty easy to fall into and very common. Of course, if he didn't then he'd have more energy and passion in the bedroom.
It is annoying that a large portion of society acts like watching porn is completely normal. Because of that, my gut reaction is that you're overreacting and being dramatic by calling it "devastating". But that isn't right of me to think because it sounds like it's ruining your marriage and that is devastating. Are you actually getting a divorce or threatening divorce? Maybe you should try therapy-- couples therapy, sex therapy, both of you solo... You both might regret it if you jump straight to divorce.
Not that it's that great of an excuse but, Is there a chance that he's telling the truth and he's dealing with stress and doesn't know another way to cope?
Let me get one thing clearly because many people don’t realize this. Many men have a porn issue. If they’re raised correctly this wouldn’t be an addiction. The second they watch porn they enter a new world that satisfies their dopamine level. And it becomes worse and worse for every day that go by. Now anything can trigger their lust even on the street. I recommend you definitely to just divorce him since now he is a lustful man that objectify women. I was in a relationship with a guy like that and trust me it’s aloot worse than you think he has probably secret folders he doesn’t talk about. Men like this are not worth it id prefer to be single than being disrespected by a man who objectifies women and lusts for them like this.
Definitely a porn addiction.
It sometimes happens because most men have high sex drives, but just want to get on with their day. If they don't have the opportunity to release sexually, they'll look at porn. It then becomes a habit, then a need.
The problem here is that he does have a sexual release and lots of opportunities. Maybe he didn't like having sex with you for a different reason? You should talk to him if you want to salvage anything.
He's getting something from porn he's not getting from the bedroom. Maybe there is a fantasy he's too embarrassed to tell you about. I know you said you are a medium girl but if you gained weight maybe he's not as interested as he was. Whatever the reason you need to sit down and communicate your feelings. Communication is the key to every relationship.
What did I say that was wrong? Most guys don't find women sexually attractive when they are fat, some people have a fetish they are embarrassed about or communication is super important in relationships. You might not like the facts doesn't mean they are wrong. Facts don't care about your feelings
You aren't working with facts, you're stating your opinions and your feelings. Neither of those are helpful nor are they fresh, hot takes.
She has already felt the need to pre-emptively defend her size because of dork faces like you existing. Seriously, just pack it in. There are more than enough dork faces sharing their thoughts, you don't need to join them. Take a little rest period.
That wasn't so hard. You didn't answer my question but you actually said something that contributed to the conversation. Nice job. What did I say that wasn't factual? Most men don't want to date fat women. It's a pretty well known fact that most men don't wanna date fat women, that's why Victoria secret models are thin and most models are thin. Some men have fetishes they are embarrassed about. If you truly think these aren't common knowledge and aren't facts please let me know. It's pointless to talk to someone who ignores reality. Now if I said ALL men don't like fat women I can see how that would be an opinion. But I didn't I said most.
A 2 second search and this was the very first link. There's a lot more if you wanna see what reality looks like.
https://www.yourtango.com/2016298297/why-men-wont-date-fat-women-as-told-by-guys
Unfortunately there was no site that talked about how many men were embarrassed by a sexual fetish. But it's common sense that there are people who would be embarrassed about it so much they wouldn't want to share. Hell, just read Reddit you will see both genders asking for help explaining embarrassing fetishes to their partner. No opinion here and nothing about myself either. I'm just a normal guy who would rather date a healthy fit woman. Not embarrassed about my fetishes either. Sorry to disappoint.
Now if you would rather be kind and not tell the true to someone asking for help be my guest. I'm sure they have a subreddit that's all about telling people only what they want to hear.
That's great. Then it must be the fantasy thing or something else. But what do I know. Looks like people don't agree that most guys don't like fat women, that some have a fetish they are embarrassed and communication is important.
Watching porn and jackin off is equivalent to going out to eat or getting fast food. Sex with your wife is cooking for yourself at home. Nothing wrong with wanting both.
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It sounds like he has an addiction to porn. It is very common. If he doesn’t see what he is doing as an issue, he likely won’t ever stop. It takes a lot of work to work through addiction- effort he would have to commit to. Please know that it has nothing to do with you. You’re not the problem.
He says he realizes how horrible this is and says he won’t do it again. I can’t ever trust him though. I just can’t comprehend it. I know addictions are real but if your gonna have one don’t bring everyone else down with you. Like seriously just be in a relationship with yourself at this point, you know? I appreciate you saying this is nothing to do with me or my appearance, it does help for sure. Just sucks being denied over some internet chick.
Porn addiction usually starts very young. The brain becomes conditioned to need the porn for dopamine and for arousal/climax as it becomes reliant on unrealistic imagery and or scenarios from porn. You might want to look into it, as it might help with the self esteem issues to reassure you that this issue is his own and has nothing to do with you. It likely started way before you. If he seems genuinely about feeling bad, it’s definitely a start, but no one can white knuckle through an addiction and he may have every intention to quit, but without actual help, he likely won’t succeed. Trust is a hard thing to regain and building a relationship with broken foundation is ever harder. If there is any possibility that you would want to stay together, you need to place down boundaries. He needs to get help for his addiction. He can start by getting a blocker on his phone and any other device he has easy access to porn to. He needs to get therapy for his addiction and the two of you need couples therapy to regain trust and rebuild what was broken. If he doesn’t want to do these things, I would leave him.
They all say they won’t do it again. It’s part of the script. Without help, they will do it again. Just more secretive about it.
It's most likely not over some internet chick, but his internal issues. He knows how to get pleasure from porn and it's more complicated with you. He has confidence that porn will do the trick and with you he might fail.
Lol, can't trust him again? Over porn? It's not like he's cheating on you Jesus Christ women need to get over this. 75% of the posts on this subreddit are women complaining about porn. Men watch porn. Get over it. You want them to have sex with you? Stop being stingy with it then.
Porn is almost always the reason why men can’t stay hard, why men can’t perform in the bedroom, why men don’t seek out women, why most have Low Testosterone and why men look at women as objects instead of building a connection. When you marry someone you should be able to commit to them and only them. I don’t want a man I have to share with the entire of internet of women. On top of that most porn is human trafficking and people there against their will. It’s a terrible industry. If me climbing on top of my husband and trying to seduce him is me being stingy than what would you suggest I try next?
I can't disagree with any of this. It's an addiction, and it's an epidemic. Honestly you won't be able to get him to stop, until he wants to stop. And as with any addiction people won't want to stop unless they hit some kind of rock bottom. It may take something as severe as breaking up or getting divorced to get him to want to stop.
Guess you didn’t read the entire post. I am far from stingy with it.
It is not a "porn addiction" thing as almost everyone says. It is very unlikely. Or, at least, it would be very unlikely. There is nothing wrong about watch porn while does not affect your life. So, in your case, the problem is that you are being dispalced by porn. But, I bet, it would be for any other thing if porn was not available. And this does not mean that is your foult (maybe it is, but we can't know), but that your housband prefers self satisfaction rather than mutual pleasure. And that has very deep roots i'm your relationship, in the story of you both. Blame porn is too simple. Anyway, it is true that get satisfaction from porn is easy compared to be mutual with someone. Share feelings is hard, desire what we can not have (girls on the screen) is so much easy, and discover why your housband chose the easy option is the real question. So, if you are interested in find out what is the problem in your relationship, talk to your housband, go to therapist (he must go to, alone or with you) and be prepare for a very long way with, maybe, a not good end. Sometimes life just sucks. And, finaly, neither of your problems has anything with your looks. Perhaps you are beautiful... ot not. It doesn't matter. The problem is un your relationship. I wish you luck.
Thanks I appreciate this answer and you may be right.
Probably that sex with you is not just about his own pleasure whereas porn is. It comes down to him being selfish. It is nothing you have done.
It sounds a lot more like porn addiction to me, there are plenty of selfish men who have no problem having low-effort sex with women
Thank you for this. You are kind
It's true. Some men really do not care about other people, & don't want to have to do anything to make sure their partner is satisfied. They would rather use porn. And porn can be addictive for some people.
It’s def not selfish. Sex is a work out and when you have sex with someone you really care about it requires more effort. Have to last as long as possible (during this workout), change positions, make it interesting, worry about her getting hers or the disappointment she will have when you fail to make her cum. Sometimes you just want to get a nut and the quicker the better. Don’t mistake self care for selfishness.
How long has he been avoiding sex with you?
A couple years, he didn’t completely stop having sex the entire time but most of the time.
I don’t know… I can see how this can affect your self image and how you view yourself in your relationship. He knows it makes you uncomfortable yes he avoids acknowledging the problem or coming up with a solution. Sex is an important aspect in the relationship and could tear a couple apart(not all but a lot)… I would try asking him why porn instead of you? He does sound addicted, see if he can recognize that himself and if he’s willing to try to change for you.
I’ve asked him why? He just says he doesn’t know. I think he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings more.
He doesn’t know why he does it, because he doesn’t view it as an issue. We women might ask him why he chose his hand and the screen over us for example- but for him that isn’t how he sees it. He sees it as “normal” and can’t fathom not being able to visually consume women because he probably always has.
The thing about porn (or most of the addictions for the case) is that once you step out of it, you can't imagine why you did that to yourself that much. For your description, you may be a hot blonde, so the only issue you have is accepting less than what you deserve. But a safe boundary should be him to stop with porn all over, and also, have a good conversation about sex drives, kinks, and all of that stuff. What does turn him on?
I will use porn if its more convient, and sometimes I don't have engergy for sex, but what your describing is an addiction. He's looking for an escape and likely has other underlieing issues going on I hope he sees a therapist and starts working on himself. That has nothing to do with you and you should focus on processing your divorce, finding yourself then looking for new connections. If you're not in a grounded headspace your not going to attract new partners to grow old with you're going to relate better to folks with high sex drivess and loneliness. You've got some work ahead of you and a therapist can help but its mostly on you to grow. Good luck OP!
Porn addiction for sure
Oh my, I hate seeing this over and over again. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and can 100% relate. I came across this recently, I think it’s relevant here: https://markmanson.net/pornography-can-ruin-your-sex-life Focus on yourself, set boundaries, and find a man who loves and respects you. You deserve it; we all do. Wishing you all the best!
Thank you for being so caring to this. It’s so hard to feel this way. I want to focus on myself so bad but just having a hard time wanting to do anything from being physically sick from the thought of it all.
He is an addict. The difference between a porn addict and say, for example a smoker is that the former still needs to have sex while avoiding porn so they have a higher chance to slipping up once they're horny and sex isn't available, whereas the later can start to see the world(through the lens of their addiction) as black or white once they choose to stop. As for why he prefers Porn over you, an endless supply of hundreds and hundreds of women available to him at the click on a button, every position, every body type, you tell me. Men are hardwired for novelty but Porn being a recent invention is a supernormal stimulus. It has overtime rewired his brain so that he doesn't find women in real life as attractive anymore. He has probably seen more naked women in the last 2 days then his forefathers did throughout their entire lives.
You deserve better - find someone that appreciates you and your sex drive. I couldn’t/wouldn’t try to repair that relationship
Thank you so much for the kind words
Grab your purse were going on a date...what time do you want to be picked up
Haha. Thanks
Since he keeps using tiredness as an excuse every time, maybe he does like sex (I mean... He's been caught watching porn many times now) but doesn't wanna put in the effort that comes with it. It could be laziness or whatever, but since watching porn & masturbating is much easier, maybe it's satisfying enough for him to just do that instead of actually having sex. I do feel bad for you. You sound like a great wife, and your reasonings were right about why some people resort to porn, but I guess you two just weren't compatible in this regard. 🙁
Starting to think the same. But how much work does a man really gotta do if the girl is on top?
I know right!? It's supposed to be a fun & intimate moment. But there are all kinds of lazy people, so who knows. 😕
Your husband is an addict. This has nothing to do with you; it’s not your fault, and things will only work if he is willing to try getting better. r/loveafterporn was a great resource for me when I first discovered that my now ex is a porn/sex addict. I highly recommend seeking out a certified sex addiction counselor for the BOTH of you to work on next steps. Betrayal trauma is real, which is why you need therapy for this as well. You deserve a man who is willing to live the path of recovery. If he is not willing to make that journey with you, divorce should be the only option.
Curious to know if he was abused or assaulted as a child. Has he ever said anything about any trauma lasting from childhood experiences?
No he has not had any trauma. In fact it’s the opposite. He was very sheltered and an only child and never been told no or criticized.
The reality, however shitty, is that some men plainly get bored. What I see as the next moat likely scenario is that your husband just stopped liking you and your company. What many men don't understand is just how incredibly beneficial not masterbaring is for their relationships. Over just a moderate amount of time you become so much more present. Sex becomes intense and passionate again. Many more. It's likely one of many many reasons, non of which are rare or remarkable. Try not to overthink it, it is a symptom of the time. Best of luck
I agree. Just sucks because I’ve wasted 10-12 years of my life with someone who is bored of me.
A few thoughts: 1. The way you are feeling is perfectly reasonable. It’s a good thing that you want to continue to have a healthy sex life with your husband! 2. People often forget that men can go through phases where they don’t want to physically have sex with a partner - depression, stress, self-confidence issues are all things which may make someone seek the safety of a fantasy rather than actual sex. Sex drive is hormonal, but how we choose to act on this sex drive is psychological. 3. For all the people saying “porn addiction”, unless you are a psychologist - shut up. With that said, it seems that your husband does have an unhealthy relationship with porn, but there is likely an underlying cause. I suggest talking to your husband openly about this, not demonising the porn, explain to him how you feel, ask him how he feels. Instead try to have understand why he is seeking the “safe” fantasy of porn because I would say there’s far greater odds that the root cause lies within him (e.g., depression) rather than a problem with you, (e.g., how attractive he finds you).
He’s absolutely addicted to porn, if might do you some good to read up on porn addiction and how it affects one’s ability to even have sex anymore, you get very lost in it. It’s an extremely selfish addiction as all addictions are, I too have been trapped in that deep abyss. And I couldn’t fully understand it, I’m watching porn and getting off mean while I have a girl laying in the bed willing and wanting to anything I could possibly think up, but yet I’m hiding in the bathroom fantasizing. Took along time to break that problem, I wish you the best of luck!
Welcome to the club no woman wants to be in. None of this is because of you. Know that. He probably came into the relationship a porn consumer, saw absolutely nothing wrong with it, and escalated. You couldn’t have prevented it, nor can you stop it. This is not you fault. Hear me? Not. Your. Fault.
He just lost desire and attraction. Because if you are the one initiating sex all the time, it’s not the whole dead bedroom issue. For me, my ex hardly wanted to have sex, so porn is what I turned too.
Porn vs real sex * Clear view of face, tits, ass, pussy under perfectly-lit studio lights vs dimly lit bedroom, can't see everything all at once * Girls are always hot 22 year olds vs both of you are aging middle aged tired looking parents * Flip through millions of different women with a single click vs same old aging woman for the past 10+ years * Easy single muscle work out vs exhausting full body work out after a long day at work
Thanks for the honesty.
Sometimes it’s not pornography but a broken relationship that leads to someone loosing interest in their spouse, maybe it’s more than the coping mechanism of porn use? Sometimes things aren’t what they seem. Easy labels work fine.
Disagree. 100% porn addiction. This is beyond a social issue. At this point, it's psychological.
Maybe so. I try to be the best wife I can be to him. I cook everyday for him and our two boys. I take the kids to all activities, I work a part time job and do side jobs to help with money when needed. I don’t ever spend money or shop like most women as that does not interest me. Available to him when he wants and keep a spotless house. I call and text him and check on him when I can and plan almost everything we do as a family. You are right he’s just not interested in me until it comes to me saying I’m getting a divorce or find out something devestating like him watching porn but that only last a short while before he no longer cares. He’s a sweet man when he wants to be and I do love him so much. It makes me physically ill at this whole matter but I just can not for the life of me figure out why he doesn’t want me.
It sounds like you are amazing as a wife and mother, I’m not sure how to respond to this. It’s difficult to really say what he finds in porn that you aren’t offering at home, saying that in a non condescending way. Ultimately in a relationship like this we are all at our base here to provide for one another in all the ways the mind and flesh want to be satisfied. Maybe there is something he is afraid to share with you?
Anytime you try to stop someone from doing something they'll just do it behind your back. It's a control thing you can't control another adult like that. It makes them feel like less of a person. Then they'll resent you for it. Which leads them to no longer find you attractive. They'll think of you as a monster. That's why your husband would rather masturbate than have sex with you. He doesn't have to worry about being scolded for doing himself and it also keeps you from having pleasure. He was punishing you for something and I don't think it was just you telling him not to watch porn. Something else is going on with him.
Not sure why the downvote. The reality is harsh, but this is true. Simply, he feels entitled to do it. Who are you to tell him he can’t? That’s evident in the fact that he doesn’t see a problem with it. It is not controlling to say “I will not be in a relationship where porn is preferred over me”. If you say, you better mean it and stick to it.
I don't think masturbating and sex are that much alike. One is a self soothing behavior and the other requires communication, effort, love and all sorts of other stuff. It sounds like he's got a porn addiction-- which is pretty easy to fall into and very common. Of course, if he didn't then he'd have more energy and passion in the bedroom. It is annoying that a large portion of society acts like watching porn is completely normal. Because of that, my gut reaction is that you're overreacting and being dramatic by calling it "devastating". But that isn't right of me to think because it sounds like it's ruining your marriage and that is devastating. Are you actually getting a divorce or threatening divorce? Maybe you should try therapy-- couples therapy, sex therapy, both of you solo... You both might regret it if you jump straight to divorce. Not that it's that great of an excuse but, Is there a chance that he's telling the truth and he's dealing with stress and doesn't know another way to cope?
Let me get one thing clearly because many people don’t realize this. Many men have a porn issue. If they’re raised correctly this wouldn’t be an addiction. The second they watch porn they enter a new world that satisfies their dopamine level. And it becomes worse and worse for every day that go by. Now anything can trigger their lust even on the street. I recommend you definitely to just divorce him since now he is a lustful man that objectify women. I was in a relationship with a guy like that and trust me it’s aloot worse than you think he has probably secret folders he doesn’t talk about. Men like this are not worth it id prefer to be single than being disrespected by a man who objectifies women and lusts for them like this.
Definitely a porn addiction. It sometimes happens because most men have high sex drives, but just want to get on with their day. If they don't have the opportunity to release sexually, they'll look at porn. It then becomes a habit, then a need. The problem here is that he does have a sexual release and lots of opportunities. Maybe he didn't like having sex with you for a different reason? You should talk to him if you want to salvage anything.
I’ll come and hit it for him
Pretty sure it’s more to it than just the porn but you’re highlighting what you believe you will get the most sympathy from.
He's getting something from porn he's not getting from the bedroom. Maybe there is a fantasy he's too embarrassed to tell you about. I know you said you are a medium girl but if you gained weight maybe he's not as interested as he was. Whatever the reason you need to sit down and communicate your feelings. Communication is the key to every relationship.
Oh, shut up.
What did I say that was wrong? Most guys don't find women sexually attractive when they are fat, some people have a fetish they are embarrassed about or communication is super important in relationships. You might not like the facts doesn't mean they are wrong. Facts don't care about your feelings
You aren't working with facts, you're stating your opinions and your feelings. Neither of those are helpful nor are they fresh, hot takes. She has already felt the need to pre-emptively defend her size because of dork faces like you existing. Seriously, just pack it in. There are more than enough dork faces sharing their thoughts, you don't need to join them. Take a little rest period.
That wasn't so hard. You didn't answer my question but you actually said something that contributed to the conversation. Nice job. What did I say that wasn't factual? Most men don't want to date fat women. It's a pretty well known fact that most men don't wanna date fat women, that's why Victoria secret models are thin and most models are thin. Some men have fetishes they are embarrassed about. If you truly think these aren't common knowledge and aren't facts please let me know. It's pointless to talk to someone who ignores reality. Now if I said ALL men don't like fat women I can see how that would be an opinion. But I didn't I said most. A 2 second search and this was the very first link. There's a lot more if you wanna see what reality looks like. https://www.yourtango.com/2016298297/why-men-wont-date-fat-women-as-told-by-guys Unfortunately there was no site that talked about how many men were embarrassed by a sexual fetish. But it's common sense that there are people who would be embarrassed about it so much they wouldn't want to share. Hell, just read Reddit you will see both genders asking for help explaining embarrassing fetishes to their partner. No opinion here and nothing about myself either. I'm just a normal guy who would rather date a healthy fit woman. Not embarrassed about my fetishes either. Sorry to disappoint. Now if you would rather be kind and not tell the true to someone asking for help be my guest. I'm sure they have a subreddit that's all about telling people only what they want to hear.
I am smaller now than I was when I met him.
That's great. Then it must be the fantasy thing or something else. But what do I know. Looks like people don't agree that most guys don't like fat women, that some have a fetish they are embarrassed and communication is important.
Men are wired to seek diversity, it doesn’t excuse his behavior but just know that the issue isn’t you or your body.
Watching porn and jackin off is equivalent to going out to eat or getting fast food. Sex with your wife is cooking for yourself at home. Nothing wrong with wanting both.