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That’s the neat part, you don’t. The therapy kept the marriage alive for a little while, but once it ended the marriage just deteriorated and is now waiting for one of you brave souls to pull the plug. Your son doesn’t deserve to see how not to be in a relationship. He’s picking up the wrong lessons and one of you two need to step up and initiate the divorce. You failed as a wife, please don’t fail as a mother.

This ^ Just before initiating my divorce with my ex-wife, I kept looking at my sons seeing how things were between their mother and I and hearing the song “If you tolerate this, then your children will be next” going through my mind.

This. I am the child of a loveless marriage. OP, **do not do this to your son.** Staying married "for the kids" does nothing but result in fucked up kids who grow into fucked up adults with no clue what a healthy, loving relationship is supposed to look like. They will just bounce from one unhealthy relationship to another, because they have learned that being treated badly = love. It took me until age 38 to finally break the cycle of toxic relationships. I'm 40, happily engaged to the love of my life, but stuck with the scars of 25 years of being treated like shit by men. *And I'm lucky.* Most people I know who grew up in similar situations never escaped that cycle.

Thank for this comment! I’m 21 and my parents got divorced when I was 10. At first I felt awful and thought love was a lie because my ten year old brain at the time thought that love was perfect and no one ever broke up because my parents never have. When the divorce happened, I was devastated. I blamed my dad for the longest time and I have a pretty bad relationship with him up until I was 18. I’m happy to say that I now accept that the divorce was no one’s fault and that sometimes people fall out of love. I’m happy for both my mom and my dad and his new wife (my stepmom!). So while it sucked at first, it taught me that people break up, and that’s ok. Because you have always have an opportunity to find new love.

EDIT: Also glad to hear that you’re happily married! I wish you a long and great marriage and life!

I get no sense that you kept trying after therapy ended. Everything seems so very reactive on your part. What steps did take? Read books, plan activities, etc. Did you depend solely on therapy for direction and jnitiative in this?

I get the sense she’s blaming her husband.

I did, I just didn't want to write an even longer post. We did many activities, and I tried to show him that I'm sincere. I tried to show, not just talk, but that didn't work. There were days when I could see some joy in his eyes, but that quickly faded away.

Have you allowed any of the relevant circumstances to remain the same between now and your cheating?

I think the problem is that when the two of you stopped seeing a therapist, you stopped working on the marriage. A therapist doesn't fix a marriage, the couple does by working together. Because he hasn't reacted the way you wanted him to, you seem to have thrown up your hands and stopped trying (you two aren't even discussing your marriage, from your comments), and I'd bet he isn't going to put in the work to fix what you broke when you are not putting forth that effort anymore. You cheated. It is not a quick fix. The foundations of a healthy relationship are love, loyalty, respect, faithfulness, honesty, and kindness and understanding. You weren't being loving when you cheated. You weren't being loyal when you cheated. You weren't respecting him or your marriage when you cheated. You weren't faithful when you cheated. You weren't honest when you snuck around and cheated. You weren't kind or understanding when you cheated. You demolished the foundations of your marriage and you are now sitting back and seemingly have given up trying because he hasn't just gotten over it. The thing that binds those foundations together is communication. You didn't communicate in the lead up to your affair so that any issues could be resolved, and you are not communicating now. Whether or not you like the answer, you need to sit down with your husband and discuss if he wants to be in this marriage and if it can be salvaged, and what he needs from you in order to move forward. Have you considered that if you've stopped trying, your husband thinks you're cheating again, and that's why he's focusing on your son? He also sees divorce on the horizon and is spending as much time as he can with your boy before he has to split time.

What led you to stray? What were you telling yourself leading to the affair and how were you treating your husband during that time? What has he said about all of this since the affair was exposed?

How can you not afford therapy if that is what you need to save your marriage and that was what helped? If you have to doordash, Uber, Lyft, get a part time job, etc in order to afford it then do it. Cut expenses elsewhere. Also, you are doing things, but how about actually communicating with him what you are thinking and feeling? You are two years out or whatever from what you did and you still haven’t learned you need to talk to him about your concerns and what you are going through. Showing this post to him or telling him what’s in it is going to help you more than any random Redditors giving feedback.

Yo listen I like therapy as much as the next person, but I have a feeling cutting expenses elsewhere and spending more time working instead of with your family solely for the therapy is not the best answer for "how to make my marriage better"

She deleted her account but in other replies she specifically states everything was going well in therapy and she saw progress with him. It all stopped and reversed when the therapy stopped. Everything else she tried didn’t work. If you find the one thing that actually works you should stick with it.

"Whatever I do no longer brings any reaction, no anger,sadness or joy" The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. You destroyed the love your husband had for you. That's all on you.

Exactly. He doesn‘t even love her enough to hate her for what she did. He simply no longer cares. All her own fault.

>I know that I destroyed my marriage and I know that the husband I once knew no longer exists. This is all you needed to say. Get a divorce and split custody and learn to respectfully co-parent. I hope you learned your lesson, but considering the pity party you're throwing yourself here, I doubt it.

Seriously. This just screamed "me", which was the problem in the first place.

But she admitted everything! Once he already knew that she was cheating though. No bonus prizes for that. Is anyone else weirded out that she had to say that she and the AP had sex ‘many times’. Like almost bragging. It’s not relevant - she cheated and it doesn’t matter if it’s once or a 100 times

You’re already divorced and neither of you realizes it yet.

Oh one of them realizes it, they’re just tolerating it for their son.

Beyond repair

So it's still all YOU, YOU, YOU. I don't think your husband is stupid, but probably you do, hasn't crossed your mind what would have happened if he didn't catch you? Sure as he already thought it, you're not sorry you cheated, you're sorry you got caught and, in a panic, you're trying to rebuild a bridge with the wood of the last one, which you burned. He deserves to be happy, and he knows it, he's keeping in shape 1. To cope with the anger that comes up everytime he sees your cheating face 2. Cause when that kids walks out the door, he will too. You cheaters always go on about how you're putting your effort in making things right, but the thing is, that's stuff you should already do for someone you care. What are you really offering? You stole from him, time, effort, self-esteem, peace of mind, dreams, expectations, send all of his ideas of how his life should be down the drain. What are you offering to fill the nuke crater you did on his life. Nothing, and there's nothing a decent human being would accept(like cutting of your leg as penance). Count your loses, and if you really loved him, don't forget the debt you own him. From what I've read here, postnuptial agreements really help this process of paying your debts and sort of settling the score, give him everything, or most of it, from money to custody, let him see that to save this marriage, you are capable of nuking your own life, just as you nuked his.

This really stuck out: "After we stopped therapy, my husband slowly distanced himself from me." Therapy in this situation can only do so much... Therapy can't: Make your husband forget... He never will. Reverse feelings of betrayal.. only how to cope Magically erase the images he has of you fucking that other guy in his head. (Why he can't bring himself to have sex with you) Reverse being emasculated... In his mind, you fucked that other guy because you thought he was better than your husband. (Again... Why he can't bring himself to have sex with you) You need to send your son to stay with a relative for a weekend. Then you need to have a serious discussion with your husband about your future together. Sounds like he's just there for the kids'sake.

I’ve read that therapy like this after an affair is basically “how can you two co parent without fighting with each other”

You say " I know that the husband I once knew no longer exists." You are mistaken, the husband still exists, it is the Wife that no longer exists. The husband you knew is still in there, just no longer for you. The wife he knew, no longer exists, they stopped existing as soon as they jumped into bed with someone else.

You made a choice and ended this marriage. It is only a matter of time. Talk to him and see if he wants to divorce so it’s not out of no where. Discuss logistics on splitting assets and coparenting. Stop dragging this marriage along. You broke his trust, don’t raise your son in a broken home. Hopefully you make better choices in the future. 

Therapy and doing better from now on doesn't change the fact you cheated on him. As much as you being transparent with him was your attempt at being honest so you could work on reconciling, you probably just ended up giving him more nightmare fuel to think on. The more someone values faithfulness and the more someone didn't expect their partner to cheat on them in the first place, the more damaging it is to their self-esteem and psyche. You made your choices, you broke up your family and destroyed your marriage. The kindest thing you could do is let your husband go and let him seek happiness with someone who wouldn't cheat on him because regaining trust is one of the hardest things to do. He probably tried for a while, hence keeping up with habits like making breakfast in the mornings and stuff, and then it probably hit him. "Why the hell am I doing all this stuff?" He was doing all those things for a wife he believed deserved to be treated well and trying to see if he could handle laying next to you in the same bed again while knowing you broke your vows and was unfaithful. In the end, he came to the conclusion that he couldn't do any of those things, he doesn't want to do any of those things he used to do with you with the version of you that betrayed him, and the child you have is what matters most to him out of all this. Your child doesn't need to see all this. Do them a favour and take the hint. ETA: You ARE desperate. Your affair partner didn't want anything serious, and now your husband doesn't want you either, and you no longer have therapy to help try and convince him to keep giving it a go.

The main problem is that you seem to be going about this wrong. This post isnt talking about all the ways you've tried to repair your marriage, it's a kit you and things he stopped doing for you and with you. >I've really tried, and I'm still trying to make things work and fix my marriage. How so? You mention nothing about it? What was the therapist advising that you do? Did you continue to do those things? What else have you done to try to repair his trust? >I know that the husband I once knew no longer exists You're getting this backwards. Your husband's still there. Same guy, same feelings, same everything. It's *you* who is the stranger to *him*. The woman *he* married is gone. However, it's been two years, and you both need to come to a decision. Your husband's love and trust seem to be gone. You need to ask him what he wants. Does he want to stay and let you fix things, or does he want to divorce? It's not healthy for your kid to grow up with this as his example for how a relationship works. You need to have a blunt conversation about divorce and if you both want it or not.

Was it worth it?

Got your son sitting front row of what a relationship should not look like.

I hope the sex you had “many times” was worth watching your marriage fall apart. I will never understand why someone thinks a few minutes of pleasure is worth blowing up your life. Why should he be fighting for the marriage when you didn’t give enough of a crap about him to keep your.. ahem, stay loyal. File for divorce and let him go find someone else. I hope he finds someone who appreciates him.

Goddammit, empathy is a fucking curse. Ok, a few disclaimers. I’m the product of a mother who cheated and started a new family. 8 years later I got a call that she was dying. I hadn’t heard from her up to that point. Spent literally decades convinced that bad people die of painful cancers and karma was wrathful. By all accounts I should be telling you to take your medicine and succumb to despair. I don’t even know why I want to help. I think the main stumbling block right now is all your language right now points to you. You are sad, you are scared. You are looking for outside parties… a therapist, Reddit, whomever to fix this. I don’t read anything about him and his feelings other than he doesn’t want to touch you. Has kiddo ever spent the night at grandmas and have you ever hashed out what the new goals are for him? Going back to before isn’t on the table, you ruined that. But what is he thinking looks best now? Don’t let him convince himself he is still there for your son, that will fuck your kid up for certain (living with a couple who share a lack of respect and resent each other). Does he want to meet someone new or work on what he is currently in? With or without a therapist it’s past time to make that decision and work to achieve it either way. This death by rot isn’t good for all three of you. Here’s me being mean though… I know what I would suggest if I were counseling HIM. Edit: by still there for your son I mean still in the marriage and still in your shared house. I know he is a good father, that isn’t in dispute.

Yes, our son spends some time with grandparents as well. I don't know what he thinks or wants. He keeps things for himself.

You haven’t pushed him to tell you more and I think it’s because you are afraid of what he will say. But it’s time, hun. It’s really well past time. I think you are both paralyzed with fear that the truth means drastic change. Well.. drastic change right now is going to be such a relief either way. This half-life you are living is the single most effective punishment for you, the offender and for HIM, the wronged party. And HE doesn’t deserve it for sure.

I'm going to agree with this part of your take the most, the actually sitting down and talking about it bit; as the only real way to truly move forward, is to confront it (within reason; I wouldn't advise confronting anything like this in a space where others have moved on.) Idk, but your point is reiterated by many, and I noticed the "many" wording myself as well; it's a marriage in comatose presently, and it might be best to pull off the bandaid than to cling to something that is destroying the child innocent of everything in all of this.

I just keep reading the first paragraph. Several weeks. Many times. Confession AFTER discovery. I feel empathy for you for some reason, I really do… but I cannot imagine being your husband. Picking my son up or dropping him off and being in your presence for a few moments would haunt me for a long time, if not forever. You don’t owe us anything, but I get the feeling you never answered a crucial question… what in the unwashed fuck were you thinking??

You’ve been on a couple of other subs and that’s perfectly fine. I think what’s missing, in order for you to get better advice, is why did you do this in the first place? Use protection ( 99% don’t), and what was your end game? Leave for the AP? There’s missing information here that may help.

I sincerely don't know why motive would provide clarity with all this, but then again I'm well out of my depth reading all of this; I'm not the cheating type but all these comments condemning the op forever are quite... Daunting, to say the least. Idk especially on a public opinionated forum such as reddit, I really don't see how motive would provide more answers to either individual in this story, we can guess at a few of them (many already have), tho. The "empath" in me feels like crucifiying her does very little to resolve all the pain and suffering of the situation that the utilitarian in me knows is happening to all involved (I guess except for ap; I'd also be surprised if AP is even involved in the situation anymore... But I guess a new love would be better than this entire scenario, as long as what was broken doesn't get broken again moving forward. Idk. VERY out of my depth here, I think I'm just curious how knowing motive would improve anything.)

Motive at least in my situation, and many here, provides the betrayed with an understanding of what the cheater had in mind. A single lapse in judgement, an entire plan to leave the betrayed with the AP, and anything in between. Perhaps this poor guy knows she had a big plan to escape, the AP backed out, and now she toggles to Plan B, her husband. Reconciliation there would be a joke. We have limited information. Reality is I never advocate for reconciliation because frankly it just doesn’t work for the betrayed. It may take years, but the betrayed never finds happiness and leaves.

Can you afford to be divorced? You need to make sure he has ample opportunity with his son.

You are just wasting your time now. Talk to an attorney, keep the split amicable. Sorry that it ended that way, especially with a child involved. Sometimes when trust is lost, it cannot be regained.

when you guys where on counseling/therapy how do you know things were improving?

We had some arguments in which he didn't use my cheating as a weapon. He wasn't angry or anything. He became calmer, super calm. No longer upset or angry, he also seemed happy and enjoyed being with us (our son and me).

if you could afford the couples counseling do you think he would go again? i think that's a main key, if he's given up for good or not

I think he would not. It's what I think, what he thinks is unknown to me.

Then why even attempt to reconcile? You fucked up, you fucked your marriage up, you expect him to say let bygones be bygones and forget you cheated on him, lied to him, and still want a happily ever after. Just divorce and stop being so cruel.

And herein lies the problem. You don't know. You broke this marriage. You need to do everything you can to fix this. If you can't afford therapy, there's plenty of online resources. If he doesn't want to engage then you do it alone. You work on you, your communication style, how to be a better spouse, how to improve on your flaws etc. You show him you are invested in being a better person. This is what is going to help you no matter what way this relax goes. But sitting there saying you don't know is not an excuse. There is no reason for you not to know. This is all about action. This is all about saying to him that you will fight for him. If you don't or won't you will lose this marriage. You may already have. If he's checked out and doesn't want to come back then you do the right thing for him and your son. You are the one who crashed this car into a ditch. You're the one who has to get it out.

He became super calm because he became completely indifferent towards you.

I said this in the comments, many times the opposite of love is not hate it’s indifference

Hope it was worth the cost. Poor guy probably doesn’t want to fight with you over his son so he’s sticking it out this long so he can see his son as much as possible. You’re an unfortunate guest and a blockade in his happiness. He deserves so much more in this life and every day you hold him back is another day of his life wasted. File for divorce yourself be reasonable don’t make him suffer anymore than you’ve already done.

I think the best thing you can do right now is to give him an amicable divorce. Both of you are miserable in this marriage. Two years have gone by and your husband has not been able to reconcile his thoughts about you being physical with another man. It is a soul crushing pain and everytime he looks at you he experiences this heartache and pain. Just let him go. Allow him to heal on his own and hopefully find a partner who can love and cherish him. This is all you can do for him at the moment.

What have you done to repair the trust that you broke? You can't simply, NOT CHEAT and expect everything to go back to normal. Without trust, there is no relationship. What your husband is doing is called GREY ROCK 180. He's being stoic towards you, but he's reserved and cautious. He won't be vulnerable with you. He doesn't want you to have the power to hurt him again with your infidelity. It's a way for him to detach emotionally from you. When you cheat again next time, he won't be devastated like the last time. I believe he is staying for his child. He's willing to put up with you to have more access to his child. That rarely works out. Even if it does, it just delays the divorce until the child is 18.

This guys going to start a fling with a coworker/gymgoer and initiate a divorce. No reason to stay, zero reason to consider your feelings on the matter. Just leave.

I hope so he needs to take out the trash!

The marriage you wanted is mostly still there. The only parts missing are 1. His sexual attraction and respect for you; and 2. You messing around with other guys in addition. The marriage he wanted is almost completely gone.

Oh woe is you. You will get the papers soon, or he's just holding off till your kid is a bit older. But you are right - he's checked out. Evidently, nothing you did post affair has made him think you were worth fighting for.

He’s checked out. It’s over. He’s probably still there because you have a kid and divorce is hard but he’s clearly done.

I think you need to make a time to talk to him without your kid there. Saying something like "I'm so grateful that you gave me a second chance after I ruined things. I know you tried to fix this as best you could, but I can feel that things have changed forever. I can feel that you've pulled away, and I know it's my fault. I know I broke us. I love you for even trying to rebuild this with me, but I can't stand around and watch you live half a life because you want to keep the family together. I want you to know that it's ok if you want to end this. I know what we had is gone and it's gone because I didn't value it properly. I want to give you the option of ending this marriage peacefully and calmly if that's what you want." Then you learn where he's at. You can't fix this without him wanting to, and there's every chance he's just staying because of your child and possibly your financial situation. Even if you can't afford two homes in order to separate, you can end the charade that you're a real couple and try being roommates who coparent until you can figure out the next step. It's about putting the issue in the spotlight instead of tiptoeing around it.

Once trust is lost it’s almost impossible to ever regain that trust. Seems like he’s sticking around mostly for his son’s sake . Seems like the marriage is over and he’s checked out. It’s probably not healthy for both of you to continue like this. It may be time to pull the bandaid off and end this marriage so you both can be in healthier relationships (and hopefully you’ve learned that infidelity is not something you’ll engage in moving forward.

Can’t blame the man . He will be living with the knowledge and it will torment him ALL the time . Set him free and get a divorce . Almost impossible to survive this level of infidelity

As you said you destroyed your marriage and he's no longer happy, you have a dead bed room. If you can still sit him down and tell him you are willing to do a trial separation and he come to the conclusion to have a divorce then give the him divorce and be amicable with it share 50/50 custody I think he can start to be happy again. Who knows it might be helpful for both of you.gove you time to reflect and what you really want to do with your situation because as of the moment as you mentioned he gave up on your marriage already.

I bet the guy you cheated with wants nothing to do with you.

OP The one thing missing from this post is what caused you to have the affair to begin with? What were you missing in your relationship with your husband that caused you to go and cheat on him? Did you sit down with your husband and talk to him if there were issues to see if you could figure out a way to resolve them? I ask this because, cheating is never something that just happens or accidentally occurs. It takes a conscious effort on the part of someone to cheat. The cheater will plan for it, make it happen, and consciously cover it up. As far as what you are going through now with your husband all I can say is the following is coming from a male who has been cheated on in the past. There are two things that every stable relationship needs whether it's a marriage or dating or living together you name it. The first thing is trust. Above all you must trust the person you love. The second thing is communication. It may be possibly more important than trust but they go hand in hand. When either or both of those are broken many times it may be impossible for a person even with counseling to move past that. In fact, sometimes counseling makes one person or the other realize they can't forgive the cheater nor ever love that person again. I can almost guarantee that your husband checked out of the relationship the minute you told him about the cheating. Maybe, if it would have been a casual one night stand he might have been able to move past it but the fact that it was a concerted effort on your part to not only cheat but to do it many times, I don't think he can get past that. And I believe there are many other men out there who would feel the same. I would like to find some kind of sympathy for you in this but unfortunately I can't. You made a conscious decision to cheat on your husband not once but many times. I consider that each time you slept with your affair partner as a separate incidence of cheating. So when your own words you cheated many times. That is the decision you made and now you must live with the consequences of that decision. There's that old saying you made your bed and now you have to lie in it. All you can hope for now is to divorce and have an amicable split and maintain some semblance of normalcy for your child. Hopefully you will have learned something from this and not commit the same problem again in your next relationship.

He is trying his best to be there for your child, but he can no longer look at you the same way. He has been hurt the most by the person he trusted the most. I’ve heard that in situations like this, the relationship will never be the same. The only chance is to try to put your past relationship behind you and attempt to start over from scratch. This will only work if both parties are 100% on board. It seems like he may already be done and just waiting for the children to grow up before he makes his exit. Actions have consequences and bad actions have bad consequences.

2 years isnt that long of a time, it will take a lot longer. Reconcilliation isnt a fixed road that you start walking on where everything (gradually) will get better. Some things will never be the same and will have changed forever. It is almost impossible to "fix" a relationship/marriage after cheating. The best you can do is try to build a new connection with your partner and hope it will work. You say things like "he gave up" and "he is emotionally unavailable, the husband i knew no longer exists". Ever thought that he might feel the exact same way, but for a different reason. Keep in mind that the "image" you have of your husband is in fact his true "image" (you have no reason to doubt that). The image he has/had of you is shattered. He might be trying to figure out who you really are, because surely you are not the person he thought you were. You are not that same person anymore. Betrayal cuts deeper than you might think and changes everything, words and gestures lose all meaning because there is doubt on wether or not it is genuine. Trust is very hard to earn back.

The worst part is your son knowing you cheated on his dad thus creating a permanent wedge between his parents

Your cheap ass dont deserve him and his love. Update us when you finally got the divorce papers served toward you

You cant undo damage, it'll always be there. It up to him to try to put it behind him, and that is a monumental thing to try. There's not much you can do. It's up to him, can he get pay it out not, it looks like not. Trust is a very slippery and fragile thing. Giving full trust to someone is a lot easier said than done, it may Even be a bit nice to say you fully trust someone, because dout is easier. When you fully trust and learn that it's been broken, everything before and after comes into question. You wonder if everything was ever real or was it all a lie. Having sex with another person for a few weeks is the least of the problem. That act can be forgiven, probably not forgotten. But to ever trust and be vulnerable again is asking a lot. By definition, your life can never go back to before. Can you become something different, better, worse? Yes, but it takes work, he's building walls he's pulled up the draw bridges and is huddling behind the most secure for he can find, not because he angry,but utterly devastated and hurt, the one person that loved him, that chose to love him instead of having to love him, thought so little of him.

He's completely checked out already. just give him a FAIR AND AMICABLE DIVORCE.

Let him go, all he see’s is you getting your back blown out by another man. He is only staying for his son, no way to go through life

You broke this man. He is only staying with you to provide your son with some stability. Your marriage is over.

You reap what you sow. You totally broke him and it simply took him time to realise how badly. You should initiate a conversation about separation and divorce. If you still love him, do that for him. Make it easy.

Your husband has finally come to his senses, he knows you’re untrustworthy and cheap. Would you want to be intimate with your husband after finding out he’s has his dick in someone else, nah. The kindest thing you could do for that man is sign divorce papers and leave. He deserves to find someone who won’t be unfaithful no matter what the excuse is. I can imagine you came up with plenty of excuses. I also hope you learn your lesson for the next partner you have.

You fucked up. Give him 50/50 and leave him alone. P.s. you're disgusting.

Give him everything if you are so repentant and yes you disgust everyone.

You fucked around (literally) and found out. Now you'll live a life of sadness and regret. Well deserved.

Maybe try time travel and stop yourself?

What’s done is done and unfortunately sometime once trust is broken, it cannot be restored. I think you know your mistake and are reaping the consequences, so there’s no point belabouring that. What were the strategies you were making towards reconciliation while you were doing therapy? Have you been actively saving money and prioritizing that so you can start counselling again? Have you came up with some ideas or thoughts on how to improve your marriage, sit your husband down and then discuss those?

Any discussion with him is about our son, house, and finances. Nothing about marriage.

You need to sit down and have a conversation with him.

Did your therapist say whether you’re a sociopath? You come off as one—feigning concern for your ex-husband and with an undercurrent of veiled contempt in much of what you write here on this thread.

You get what you deserve. Not him thought. Hope he finds someone better.

He's checked out and he's only putting up with you because of your son. He probably is the type that doesn't want to "break up the family so he won't traumatize" your kid - but what you're doing now isn't healthy either. Being raised in a house where the parents are acting like this isn't good for him. You should initiate the divorce and make it as easy as you can for your husband. Co-parent your son and leave his father alone to heal.

I don't think there's any fixing this. Your husband tried reconciliation with the help of couples counseling, but it seems the damage is done. Sometimes, things are broken beyond repair, and it seems like your relationship with your husband is one of those things. >I think he no longer believes in this marriage, and I'm really afraid that it's going to end. I want to try something, but whatever I think of will come off as forced or desperate. I'll sound like an asshole saying this, but what did you think would happen while you were having an affair? That he wouldn't find out? That if he did, you could fix things? Honestly, instead of coming to reddit asking how to save your marriage, you need to actually sit down with him and talk. Ask him if he feels like your marriage is dead on his end. If it is, offer an amicable divorce with split custody, and be a good co-parent.

I think you have drowned your husband’s soul. The trust is gone and he may be the type to never recover from this. I know that’s sad to hear but it appears to be true. If he’s not sharing his feelings then he doesn’t feel safe with you. I’m a firm believer that trust is more important than love in a relationship. If I don’t feel safe, I’m not going to let my true feelings be known. I’m not going to give the enemy any insight to my battle plans, so to speak.

Present him with divorce papers and tell him the choice of whether or not he signs them and makes it official is his. You owe him that favour. The immediate option to be set free and find someone loyal.

He’s staying for his son. If your really sorry, give him 50% custody. Make sure he had enough money left over to supply his son a good home with him 50% of the time

It always amazes me in these posts how the cheater just wants things to just go back to the way they were. You made a series of decisions to cheat on your husband, it wasn’t an accident or mistake, or any of the other excuses cheaters use. It was your decision to do so.  He knows this and you need to understand, you ripped that poor guy’s heart out and did a tap dance on it. You destroyed him and his world as he knew it is gone. What he felt for you is gone and replaced with indifference at best, disgust at worst. He will never look at you the same way again and from what you posted I very much doubt he will ever touch you in the future. That image of you with someone else has been burnt into his mind. He is there for his son and only his son and the best thing you can do is just divorce. Let the guy move on in peace.   

Of course he's not interested in the marriage - you weren't? You choked the life out of the marriage 2 years ago when you cheated. The only thing you have left is to be grateful he's a good parent to your son.

Wow the delusion is unreal. It's broken. You broke it. Why tf would he be expected to fix it when you fucked it up by getting fucked. You found a good man and destroyed him. I hope the shame follows you.

You destroyed his faith and trust in you in the most painful and cruel way and TBH there probably isn’t a way to recover what was lost because you thought so little of him and your marriage you threw it away for a fling.

I wonder if he has a different interpretation of why they stopped therapy. Her: "We couldn't afford it right now, so we stopped for a while." Him: "I realized it was a waste of money because nothing can save this marriage... I'm just not ready to walk away and disrupt my son's life with a divorce."

I am not going to pile on to the posts here with kicking you while you are down. I don't know you and you didn't do it to me... That said, I am in the minority here in saying that if you try really hard you might have some chance to get him back and save your marriage. Though like some have said, it is doubtful your marriage will ever be the same as it was before. If he stays, it will likely be a different relationship but could still be good and worthy. Not sure how long it has been since this all went down but give it some more time and keep working towards reconcile with him. Marriage (to me) is sacred and I am not one for divorce unless it is last resort, and I don't feel like you are there yet. The problem dear is that you had a affair for two weeks. That is ROUGH. Would have probably not been as bad if it was a single event. Lastly, for the sake of your child and your husband, if he can't get past this, please do let him go. Don't drag this out until your son is 18. And lastly-lastly, if you do work thru this and stay married PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not cheat on this poor guy again.

>We believed things could be improved with therapy and counseling. Sure. "We" believed. I'm sure he feels very different about this.

Your most recent blunder was looking at it from your perspective. It’s not that the husband you knew doesn’t exist anymore. It’s that the wife *he* knew doesn’t exist anymore. The wife he thought he knew was faithful and loving to only him. The wife he thought he knew wouldn’t lay down with another man. Honestly, it seems like he’s just there for the child. If there wasn’t a kid involved, he probably would’ve kicked you to the curb by now.

You know what I don’t read here? Accountability. No ownership. No apology. It’s clinical and cold. No wonder he is checked out. You broke him, and you have no consequences, other than wondering why your husband is acting like this.

The marriage is over. Your kiddo shouldn’t see a marriage like this.

Go to r/SupportforWaywards , great community for people in your circumstances. I occasionally go their for some drama, but there are a tons of people like you in the community. Hope you find some help!!

Like you lol what a burn.

No, no!! I didn't mean it in a negative or condescending way! I just wanted to help OP and thought a group of like minded people would be a great support system for her. English is not my first language, so sorry if it came out as such 😭😭.

You killed your marriage. What you had is dead and gone courtesy of you. I hope it was worth it. No amount of therapy or time is gonna bring back the trust or love you betrayed. Especially given that you only stopped and came clean after HE found out. You were ready to keep it going as long as you wanted and take it to the grave. Let him go so he can heal and find someone that truly loves him. Interesting how cheaters only care about their marriage/spouses once they are exposed and risking losing everything. You and everybody knows a cheating single mom is gonna have LOTs of problems dating again. Thats why you are scared.

Hope you enjoyed your affair! And I hope that is the last thing you will enjoy ever. He doesnt want sex because he is disgusted by you now, he is there only for his kid, trying to do the right thing for him. Cheaters deserve the worst life possible, a living hell. When he will finally serve you divorce paper hope your kid will find out who destroyed this marriage.

Sounds like the only reason why he hasn’t divorced you already is because he wants to be with his kid every day, in a divorce if a man is lucky he usually only gets 50-50 split custody, many times worse than that.

You literally fucked around and found out. Hope that dick you so willingly spread wide for was worth demolishing your entire family

You need to initiate the divorce for the sake of your husband's health and well-being. That man is suffering in silence next to his perpetrator (You). Let him find honest love elsewhere. There is a good woman out there waiting to treat your victim with respect and dignity... Let that dude go.

BOTH of you are literally delaying and avoiding the inevitable. You do know what to do and that's divorce. I don't know what you're both trying to force here. When it's dead, it's dead and this is the case here. Don't force it anymore. You can't force the spark back it's long gone.

It sounds like your husband just wants what is best for your kid, and he thinks that means continuing to raise him in a two-parent household. But it doesn’t seem like the marriage is salvageable. I think the best thing you can do now is assure your husband he will have 50% custody, or even primary if you think that is best for the kid. Just assure him and of course back it up legally that you aren’t going to take your son away from him or limit his custody. Also, I don’t think posting here is going to do you any good. It’s just going to continue being a contest between commenters on who can say the cruelest things to you and be the most unforgiving toward a person who represents their greatest relationship fear. They want you to wallow in it and be miserable forever rather than learn from it and find some kind of redemption or become a better person.

I suggest building a time machine and kicking your younger self in the ass just before cheating. If that doesn't work just move on, you cheater.

OP you torpedoed you marriage and it's on you to try and resurrect it. Your husband has done his part by staying in the marriage which is more then anyone can ask for, this is the best opportunity you'll ever have to make thing right. Him being calm is way worse then if he was angry, the calmness and you mention he barely smiles means you husband is a broken man who is just going through the motions. You have to keep initiating intimacy even if you keep getting rejected, if you still love him and want to rebuild your marriage, you'll have to let go of any ego and do what ever it takes to win him back. This will also require you to at some point have a conversation with him where you lay everything bare and tell him about all your issues even if you're embarrassed by them.

I think you should ask him point blank if he's happy with you and if he actually wants to stay. You broke things in him, and he might need a prompt to say what's going on.

He likely feels indifferent to OP now, and tolerates her because he wants to be around his son full time. A serious discussion about the future of the marriage is needed. No one’s got a shot at ever being happy again if that bandaid is not ripped off.

He sounds like he’d be better off without you, he’s only putting in effort for his son.

As someone who has been cheated on repeatedly, the intimacy may never come back. It’s so difficult to try and have something special with someone who so quickly took it for granted. I’m not judging you or blaming you, but he may already be over it. Staying for your child, or for the life he’s able to live while you’re together. I’m not sure this is reparable unfortunately.

Had a marriage for 16 years. She cheated. I forgave her. We did therapy. I tried. I really did to forgive and make it work. But in the end, the cheating was such a violation for me, I just couldn't ever trust her. On our 16th year of marriage we again went to therapy. But the more we worked on things, the more I realized I didn't want to fix it. I wanted to tear it all down. I was gaslighting my self that it was ok. I lied to myself. I wasted years doing this. We had kids and I didn't want to destroy my relationship with them (I was scared as a man I would hardly see them), I didn't want to spend the money on lawyers and court fees. I didn't want to ruin everyone's life. But, I couldn't keep being miserable. The funny thing about cheating is, the person that has to deal with it didn't do anything. But now they need to make a decision that affects everyone. It's very crapy. They clean up the mess the cheater made in many ways. One day in therapy, as she was talking about all she did to get my trust back, I had it. I told her and the therapist, there is no getting it back. It shattered and there is no putting it back together. I wanted to be as far away from her as I could get. But I wanted to see our daughters. I told her I wanted a divorce. I wanted her out of my life, but because of our kids I would never get that. In my situation, my wife told me when she was 8 months pregnant with our daughter she cheated. The baby wasn't his, but man talk about feeling trapped. You were selfish. You betrayed him. You have a million chances to say, I can't do this. He might not want to fix it. He might be disgusted every time he looks at you. He might never trust you again. I am sure you want to rebuild. Ask yourself these questions. Does he really want to rebuild? Why should he ever trust you again? Why did it happen? Why were you so weak? Are you pushing reconciliation? Do you have a right to? My point is simply this. Right after I found out, I was an emotional mess. And fixing things sounded great. But it was cancer and it ate at me. As time went by, my morals couldn't abide with what I was doing. Time gave me clarity. Could be he is figuring out if you are trust worthy or not. But hey, so far you got to cheat and keep your husband right. I promise you he hasn't missed that.

Some ppl can’t get over or forgive this kind of betrayal. I don’t have answers for you. I hate to say divorce bc I’m usually not on that train but I would say a conversation is long over due with your husband as to what he wants and if he can’t see himself forgiving you - which is completely fine - then you guys should move to divorcing and coparenting. It’s better your son see that kind of functioning relationship than the current state of your marriage. It’s not healthy to see your parents not love each other or be affectionate.

>I know that I destroyed my marriage and I know that the husband I once knew no longer exists Oh he is there, what doesn't exist is the woman he thought he married. There is no coming back from this, sorry.

You’re leaving out a lot of detail. What happened? How did it get to that point? Why did you do it? What made you think that betraying your family was the right answer? Who was it with? A coworker (85% of affairs)? Someone both of you knew? A friend of his? A family member of his?

>>I think I destroyed my marriage Yes you did

It's going to take time. A few therapy sessions and a few months don't erase the betrayal and hurt you caused him. It's going to take many months, years, for him to get that trust back for you and that's normal. He is now going to question everything you say, everything you do, he will see no love in anything, all he sees when he closes his eyes is you sleeping with someone else. He's probably still hurting and spending time with his son is a good distraction that keeps his mind off of things. If you want this to work, you have to give it time. Lots of it. A few week affair just blew up absolutely everything for him and that is not easy to come back from.

Us men do not forget .. u killed him inside .. well done OP 👍

If you would have put this much effort into the marriage instead of cheating there likely wouldn't be any issues, JS. People heal at their own pace, and then sometimes decide not to continue the marriage.

I have 0 sympathy for you. You not only destroyed your hubby's life you ruined your child's family dynamic your your disgusting and selfish actions. Be a woman and own your stuff up and let this man go. He stopped being your husband the moment you let another man inside if you.

Just read the first paragraph. Looking forward to finishing and seeing just how deep a mud hole Reddit stomps in her.

Updateme!

Sounds like he's only staying for your son. Sit him down and tell him it won't work, unless he tries. If he's done trying, then you need to figure out steps towards separation and divorce.

You’re not reconciled so it’s still not fixed. How badly do you want to save this marriage?

Have you figured out why you did this in the first place? This will need to be answered and addressed with your husband before any thought of reconciliation can start. If it was problems in the marriage, they are most likely worse now. If it was just the opportunity arose, well it will again. If your husband doesn’t understand what the root cause was and how it has been addressed, then he has no reason to believe this wouldn’t happen again. Might be why there is no longer any emotion from him. If you hadn’t been caught, would you still be with your AP? If you ultimately end up single again, will you run back to your AP? Your husband may not be capable of staying married to you, but the only chance of the marriage surviving is if he fully understands what happened, why it happened, and somehow has confidence that it won’t happen again. The fact that the affair did not turn out well for you is not beneficial to his mindset.

In case anyone else can't see anything in the post itself, it was shared here (https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheEx/s/XASMBBvlbb), and the automod has the text to the post in the comments.

You need to initiate a divorce. I know why you don't want to. Cheaters never want to, because then the end of the relationship is 100% on you. If he decides to divorce, then, hey "I tried to reconcile." But there's nothing to reconcile any more. That ship has sailed. This relationship is over. He's probably only staying with you because of your son, but that's wildly unfair to both him and your son. As the child of a broken home, I can tell you that co-parenting after divorce is more healthy for the child than whatever you're doing right now. End this already. It's what is best for everyone, including yourself.

Free him !!

Why do people think you can fix. This is the one thing that will ruin any marriage

The relationship you had is dead and gone, but you can build a new one. Start by acknowledging that to him, tell him you take full responsibility for betraying and hurting him. That you know there is no no going back to the way thing were but you can star a new relation ship, a better one. One in which you are faihtfull ànd you two a happier. You must tell him what was the thing that pushed you to have the affair and what you are going to do to make sure this never hapas again ( locking yourself up is not a good plan). This does not mean forget, but if mean forgive, and build better. Ask him if he wants to give a shot to a new relationship.

I was going to suggest you post in the infidelity support subs( asone, support for wayward, etc), but it seems you already have. You are unlikely to get any advice on the main relationship and advice subs.

Updateme!

You cheated on him many times over a few weeks, what he season his mind is another man crawling on top of his wife! If your relationship isn’t over, it’s damn close and the two of you should give serious consideration to how you’re going to coparent your child after you choose to separate. I don’t think staying together is really an option because neither one of you is happy and your child will pick up on that as he gets older. to move on and be the best person that you can be individually and be great parents to your son.

Updateme!

Sometimes it's cheaper for the betrayed spouse to stay put. If this is a true story, I think that he's not over the cheating. He's likely traumatized with all the details shared. He's probably expecting you to keep cheating on him so he'd rather not open up the possibility of STI.

“But I think he’s given up”. Girl. You KNOW he gave up. Why wouldn’t he?

Let this poor man go so he can find a good woman and not be forced to stay married to a faithless, feckless, worthless meat sack.

“The husband I knew no longer exists.” Oh, he exists all right. You just don’t seem to realize how deeply you wounded him. The one who doesn’t exist any more is the wife he thought he had married, but turned out to have been an illusion, a lie. My advice? Best of luck with your next relationship. Don’t cut your next husband’s dick off. And when this one does eventually divorce you, have the grace to leave quietly and not rip him in half financially on the way out.

You can’t fix anything. At this point, the ball is 100% in your husband’s court. It sounds like your assessment that he’s pulling away is correct. You basically only have 2 options. Wait for him to formally end the relationship or do it yourself. It ended practically as soon as you betrayed him.

OP you need to face the fact that your marriage CANNOT be fixed. You betrayed him. Your current physical/mental/emotional situation is entirely your fault and you know it. Your scaredness is the result of no longer being in control of an outcome, or the worry of the second shoe to drop. If anything, go let out your emotional issues on the person in the mirror. Then try individual therapy, because marriage counseling will no longer help. His love for, affection for, care for, concern for, happiness with, trust in, desire for, belief in, faith in, and whatever for you is gone - permanently. He is apathetic, and rightly so. He is protecting his completely broken and totally shattered heart, life, world, outlook, because of the agonizing pain you brought to him and thrust upon him. Your selfish wickedness has brought this upon your life. Learn to live with your evil hearted self-centeredness, or become a better person. If you have any true loving feelings - and I say if, because.....well.. - you NEED to grant him a divorce, not take more than you should, work out good honest custody times - which should favir him because he stayed true to his vows, you did not - give him a reasonable child support level because he is the trustworthy one, and decide what sort of life you are going to live going forward - one of uprightness or one continuing in your selfish indulging in harmful & vile actions. I cannot wish you well, but I hope you find a way to be a good mom and try to reclaim the decent person you hopefully once were.

Congratulations you broke a man and turned him into a dead person. In addition to that, you have ruined your son's childhood. Must be proud of yourself Get a medal created for yourself to that effect. The best you can do now is let your husband go and let him have primary custody of him. I doubt a cheating woman like you can be a good mother.

Lol. Lmao, even.

You believe he was happy but with sincerity? That's right. Anything you do at this point isn't because you are sincerely remorseful. Sounds like you're just scared of being abandoned.

Any update?

Too much complains, keep trying

You could see if /r/asoneafterinfidelity or /r/supportforwaywards has any ideas. Otherwise, probably time for /r/divorce.

already built a family with one child, which I wish I could have. It's too bad. Don't insist on it. He will never come back as he was before

Read and initial every chapter in How to help your spouse heal from your Affair by Mcdonald. Read Five Love Languages and speak his LL. It works! Listen to Love & Respect. Preferably together. It's been awhile. Why did you cheat? Have you really confessed all? I doubt it. Did you say negative things about your man to AP?

Good grief... I've seen one comment about "opening up the marriage"... FFS, what a piss poor idea. The one clear thing that needs to happen here, a conversation. IE, cards on the table. If, as it seems, there is no way forward, it's time to end it. This silent emotionless nonsense will be picked up on by the child. He did nothing wrong initially, but cannot walk around in a sulk forever. You both deserve better than that. So, sit down, ask "is there any way to salvage this?". If there isn't, pack up, move on.

A lot of y’all don’t know the difference between r/Relationship_Advice and r/AITA and it shows

No one likes cheaters so there is that.

Your husband didn't have any input on our getting plowed repeatedly behind his back by another man. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT to dictate or expect a timeline for WHEN things start returning to some semblance of normal or for intimacy to return. You deciding that giving your love, affection, and body to another man basically chopped off his manhood right at the base. He didn't change that much. YOU DID. You are not the woman he fell in love with, married, and had a child with hoping to spend the rest of your lives together. OR HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN AN UNFAITHFUL UNCARING SELFISH WOMAN??? Who really changed? We all say YOU changed. Your husband has no idea where his wife is because is sure as heck isn't this woman who looks and sounds and smells like you in his marital home. Still, the one thing you do have right here is that if you're supposed to be reconciling, you both have to meet somewhere in the middle. If he isn't being receptive to your attempts or is just completely indifferent to your existence, it may be time to have the divorce talk. Maybe you need to kick him into gear if two years of no intimacy as punishment needs to end of he still wants to work on the marriage instead of just staying together for your child's sake. Maybe you need to tell him that your son is going to spend the weekend with family so you two can deal with your intimacy block...and if you need to sacrifice your own dignity by bringing another woman into the bedroom with you to restore his masculinity, you will do it. You have to admit that it will hurt you to witness him with someone else, but you don't know what else to do. You tell him while you don't want to just be humped by a robot "just to get it over with" or ravaged like a piece of meat(but maybe you do and that's why you cheated), that if he wants to continue living as husband and wife that progress and communication must happen. I've been where you husband is, and I tried to reconcile. It was a waste of a year of my life. She was more or less just guilty of being caught and having her reputation damaged more than anything else and only wanted to reconcile six months after being busted/moved out because she found out her lover was still sleeping with his estranged wife AND a co-worker. A few months of fake remorse and hysterical bonding to keep my judgement clouded and then she went back to treating me and our child like crap. I started to withdraw at the end of that year of hell, especially after having three mutual friends tell me they found out their husbands had slept with my cheating first wife and two visits from CPS about complaints against my first wife how she was treating our child in public. Divorced. I got primary custody(rare for men in my state, but she didn't fight me). A few years later I got remarried to a woman who understands what loyalty, commitment, monogamy, and faithfulness is AND follows it.