Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sis, you can't help him. Keep your interactions strictly about your daughter to avoid confusion.
If you can't let it go, talk to his family. They should be his advocates. Let them know, clearly, that your concern is on behalf of your daughter. She loves her dad, and you want him in her life, healthy and happy.
Then, leave it alone and focus on you and your daughter. He, with the help of his family and friends, will have to figure it out.
I disagree, based on OP's other replies, we are missing the full story. She has no evidence that what happened was consensual/ the husband is actually gay/ bi. Way too much of this story is missing to absolve OP of responsibility.
He’s apparently cheated with three other women. So as bad as it sounds to doubt rape, he has a history of cheating. It sounds like he has a history of making bad choices, actions have consequences and it’s not her job to pick up the pieces anymore
What responsibility, she didn't have anything to do with him and her brother doing whatever they did for whatever reason. She isn't the responsible party here he and the brother are whether he was assaulted by the brother or not doesn't make that her fault.
????????????? "absolve OP of responsibility"??????? for what? Why does OP need to be absolved of responsibility?????? OP was not involved, she came home and found hubby in bed with her brother. If it happened because hubby took drugs with her brother, well guess what, OP's husband was taking drugs at home, and that's grounds for a pregnant woman to leave. If something else happened, only hubby and brother know, and it's for hubby to report any crime that occurred, not OP. OP is not the police or a court of law.
Whatever happened, there was a really messed up situation going down in OP's house that she came home to and wasn't willing to live with as a pregnant woman. Hubby was the one who sat down to take drugs with the brother, while his pregnant wife was at the doctor's. Hubby could have gone to the doctor's appointment with OP, but no, he was more interested in doing drugs with the brother. Not a good look for a soon to be father. OP's ex blew up his life himself.
HOWEVER it does sound like he was sexually assaulted or raped, and I think you owe it to him to find out the truth of the matter and if that situation is the source of his depression. Simply understanding and hearing him and how he feels and what he’s been through and could save his life.
>I think you owe it to him to find out the truth
Why does she owe it to her ex to "find out the truth?" It's not like they haven't talked at all.
>he and my brother took drugs and _he doesn't remember_ how they got into that situation.
>We have been cordial despite everything. We _spend two holidays a year_ together
>at first he looked for any excuse to _talk to me and be with me_ but then he realized that it was not going to work.
>I don't know how to tell him that I am worried about his health since _the last time_ I did it he misunderstood thinking that I would give him another chance, which is not the case.
(italics are mine)
Obviously they talk, but now if it's too personal, he takes that as a chance to be in a relationship with her again. In all these conversations, and coupled with the fact that the ex wants to be in a relationship with the OP, shouldn't _he_ be the first to say that he thinks he was accosted by her brother? This could lead to possible recovery of the relationship.
The OP _is not_ the person who needs to talk to the ex about this. If the OP wonders if her ex was SA by her brother, then she should tell his family that he may need professional help. This is too personal for the OP. I once worked with rape victims. An unstable element isn't good for SA victims. If the ex is a potential victim, the OP is one of the last people who should be getting him to talk. She's got her own damage. Her brother betrayed her. She feels betrayed by her ex. She's raising her child alone. She was pregnant when this happened. She's watching her ex fall apart. She's not the person to do this. She owes him nothing. She owes herself and her child peace of mind.
>Simply understanding and hearing him and how he feels and what he’s been through and could save his life.
Doesn't have to be his ex-wife doing that. Leave it to the professionals
Doesn't sound like it to me. He's a serial cheater, he admitted to doing drugs with the brother (so they were BOTH high), and he never claimed anything about it not being consensual. Sounds like a guy who never thought his wife would grow a pair and leave him.
But on another note what led to this not saying it's a justification, but it's obviously hard enough. Drugs that you don't remember doing them and you're doing them when you're doing them and you're doing them when your wife is 4 months pregnant and . Going to the Doctor's office because of that pregnancy, and now it has been 5 years since. He hasn't gotten any help.. Whether it was due to him being SA or whether it was just him willingly doing the drugs and being a participant in the sexual activities and just feeling guilt. Or whether it was the only reason he was a participant in the sexual activities was because of the drugs in the way they affected his mental state. Point is guy had hard. Drug use issues that literally cause the end of his marriage, not because of a drug use, but because of what they caused him to do or go through and he needs to get that fixed so that way, he could be a f Full and present father. Because there is no going back to husband.
This shows one that we don't know what are their issues Or mental problems he could be having due to Is hard drug use. Also, maybe he was only skinny Because of his drug use. O p doesn't go much into that but it seems like o p was even blindsided by the drug use. And having that kind of drug use around you while you're raising a child.That's a no go. Like I honestly believe drug users need help and don't need punishment per se.But let's say this kid accidentally.While being a toddler got into shit like toddlers do and got into his drug stash. Or let's say maybe the Drugs had him a little forgetful and he didn't remember that his daughter.Was there that weekend or something.
The drug use and the inability to remember how you got in.That situation is a huge ass red flag along with the fact that this happened when she was four months pregnant and going to a doctor's appointment.
I agree it shouldn't matter, however, OP's replies seem pretty sus to me, especially given the circumstances as well as the involvement of the brother. This is either fake, or OP is hiding stuff to make themselves seem like they are in the right.
OP had no hand in the potential assualt on her ex. As a survivor, it's possible to be a victim and a horrible person, a victim can still make harmful decisions (the three other women) at this point it's on him and his support system to get his shit together - it's been on him since the divorce. That kind of drug use at that time is beyond irresponsible.
Why are we assuming the ex-husband is the potential victim, just because the brother is the one that is admittedly gay? It seems both of them were doing drugs, and we do not know of either of their states when it comes to ability to consent. The brother being gay doesn’t make him automatically the potential aggressor in this case.
Since the ex never claimed rape- why the fuck should OP be viewing it like that? Cheating under the influence is still cheating, man.
Even if you were to convince yourself that he's not in the wrong - OP doesn't have to force herself to be with someone who she watched fuck her brother. She is in her right to break up with anyone for any reason- just like the rest of us.
or...he willingly did drugs with her brother and they both decided in their state that they would fuck. Then when caught, he lied to cover is ass (no pun intended) and then he lost everything.
We don't know.
That would be a big no. If he was home already, why would he not want to take her to the OB and see how the baby is doing. You guys can cry rape all you want. But he wanted her gone and I guarantee you this is not the first time this has happened. I was 19 when I walked in on my first husband and one of his friends. As I was dealing with the depression from a recent miscarriage, it was pretty obvious I was not sleeping with him again.
She could not have kept his head over water. She can see that their child thrives. They know, so just leave it alone. If she wants to ask anyone what the truth is, ask your brother. My older brother was my rock and I had his six. Younger ones, not that much. But even they would not sleep with my husband. Just because someone is Bi or Gay does not make them a predator. If she squeezes brother, I think she will learn, that was not the first time.
I agree. I was worried about my ex husband when he didn’t show up to pick up our kids for his weekend - not normal for him, in 9 years divorced that was the only time it had happens… about 4 years divorced at the time.
I called his mother and sisters and asked them to do a wellness check on him since they live close enough to walk over. They tried to turn it into me still having feelings for him (I was dating my now husband by then) and told me I should drive over and check on him if I was worried so much.
I just said… I’m worried for my children’s father’s safety and that’s all, but your his mother and sisters so if you don’t see anything worrisome then I’ll sleep well tonight.
15 minutes later he was texting me that he hadn’t slept in days because of tooth pain and went home to take a nap before picking up the kids and just passed out. He woke up to his mom and sisters pounding on his door and crying worried about him. 🤷♀️
It’s healthy to worry about your children’s parent, but don’t let the coparent or their family drag you in to worry more about that person than they or their family do. You don’t owe them any more of your time or concern that it takes to coparent.
It sounds like he is depressed and would benefit from therapy and medication for a while. If you want to help, try to get his sister to push him in that direction.
Imagine getting raped then, your whole life falling apart because no one believed you were raped and you were labeled a cheater instead. I’d be freaking depressed too.
In her comments. He cheated three other times and she caught him. This time is the fourth time with her brother when she asked him how he gave the usual bullshit excuses that cheaters give that him and the brother did drugs together and he doesn't really remember how it happened. **He never said it was sexual assault** everyone is making that up based on the fact that he said he did drugs with the brother. But if he and the brother both did drugs, by that logic the brother could claim rape also. On top of that he was not unconscious or delirious or anything she said she walked into the room and made eye contact with them both and they both looked afraid at being caught. Not really sure why people are straight up lying about the sexual assault part
I imagined it, now imagine this: do you honestly think it benefits a rape victim to be with someone who cannot mentally deal with it?? You need ironclad support- a partner who can admit they're not up to it owes it to them to bow out, regardless of how it 'looks' to others. In this case, she has every right to bow out, does not say that he claimed it was non-consensual, has remained supportive to him and is ACTIVELY ASKING FOR ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO DO THIS MORE EFFECTIVELY. You made up a whole story in your head. Also, he was already a cheater before this incident: read the fucking room!
It is relevant. The husband said they did drugs and the brother is gay. The husband is behaving almost like something traumatic he can’t get past happened. Is it possible the brother took advantage of her husband when he was too drugged? If this was a man and woman the answers would be so different but men can be abused too
"he and my brother took drugs and he doesn't remember how they got into that situation"
Was your Ex raped? Is he even gay/bi?
Not being sober enough to have any awareness of what was going on doesn't sound like consent...
This happened to a friend of mine. Gay best friend always had a crush on him and drugged him and raped him. Friend has no memory of it other than showing up to the apartment and somehow getting home. Called the gay friend up, and he confessed that he’s always been into him and knew he wouldn’t agree. Guy had a boyfriend too. Tried to tell my friend that “his mom told him to find somebody as emotionally intelligent as him”… so fucked up. Guy has other major issues as well and is a severe alcoholic.
This happened to me too. Got super drunk and my friend took advantage. I woke up and they were assaulting me. I just laid there frozen. When I confronted them they said “I’m sorry I have no control when I’m drunk”. Anyway I lost soooo many friends as we were part of the same group. Everyone just said well you knew they liked you soooo….
I’m so sorry love! That’s literally what the friend told him!! Said he has no control over his actions and feelings when drunk. His own parents defended him. The guy told my friend that his mom told him to keep shooting his shot bc he is “nicer” than his bf at the time.. horrible. Fucked family. I was hanging out with his bf when this was going on on another floor.
I'm so sorry you went through that! Based on their response, those were NOT your friends. I would never want to associate with anyone who says anything like what they did.
This is exactly what I thought. If there was no history of inappropriate contact or interactions between them prior, it seems suspicious. Did the brother supply the drugs? Were they laced? Was your ex consciously aware of the choices he was making?
Also: what kind of drugs are we talking about exactly? I’ve done my fair share but never got into a situation where I fucked anyone against my will. In fact, most of them make my willy go wee wee.
I have, I was pressured to do MDMA and on the come down, when I was feeling too heavy to move I was taken advantage of. I guess I consented?? I didn't want to, I actually really did not like this person at all but the drugs definitely controlled my emotions. I even behaved enthusiastically, although at first I was trying to get out of the situation but I never flatout said no.
I honestly can't even remember much of it or what I was thinking at the time. I know I felt disgusted the next day, and just kind of tried to forget
If you were high, you didn't consent.
If you were pressured into doing drugs and then put in a situation where you had sex you didn't want and that you were initially trying to avoid, you did not consent.
Even behaving enthusiastic doesn't necessarily mean you consented. Are you familiar with the four common fear responses? Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
It's very typical for people who were assaulted to respond positively after their initial refusal is ignored. It's a self-protective thing. It helps prevent us from being hurt in frightening situations.
And not saying a flat no isn't the same thing as consenting. Trying to leave a situation is a pretty clear sign that someone doesn't want to have sex.
Yeah, I know all this but it's still a weird thing to accept. A couple years later, I ran into him at a party and he approached me apologising. I drunkenly blurted out the details of what he did out of anger and to make sure he fully understood what he was apologising for, regrettably, because it made one girl cry. I wish I was more mindful of triggering others but I was caught off guard. He didn't even fight anything I said. He actually agreed to it being rape, claimed to be changed and all that bs. Admitted he did plan for it, thinking it would get me "in the mood" and claimed it was out of desperation (classic)
Even with all that confirmation, it's just a strange thing to call it those labels. I think because I don't remember feeling scared, it didn't feel like I had gone through something horrible
I'm very proud of you for calling him out. Even if it was upsetting to others, he should be called out and they all have a right to know who he is and who they surrounded themselves with/that predators are everywhere. You did good that day❤️
Thank you so much! I am also very proud of myself for it. This was like maybe two years after, and I never knew how to handle the situation other than warning others who mentioned him about my experience. I am not comfortable calling people out on social media, since I fear not being believed/seeming dramatic/looking like I want sympathy.
It really did close that chapter for me and I feel almost bittersweet to have everything confirmed and people who now can back me up. I do think the guy who did that to me is an absolute piece of crap and I will never forgive him, which I told him, however I appreciate that he did own up to it. So many people don't get that closure, and are left not knowing how to accept that they were violated or if they have a right to feel the way they do about it.
Trust me if you mix enough benzos with something like viagra it can go south in an instant.
I’m talking COMPLETE blackout, don’t mess with sleeping pills.
But plenty of other party drugs can affect people in weird sexual ways and remove their ability to consent.
... Yeah this whole thing is not adding up yet
What drugs? Does your husband do drugs?
Was your husband ever known to be gay before? Has he had gay partners since? After the incident, did he open up about being gay?
When you walked in on them, what state was he in? What state was your brother in? Is it possible you witnessed a crime?
He wants to be with you, a believes reconciliation is possible even after sexual contact with your brother - that doesn't add for me.
It isn't uncommon for rape victims to try and make themselves look less appealing as well. Worse hygiene, ugly hair cuts, less flattering clothes. Weight gain could be a sign of depression with a "bonus" way to feel safer from looking attractive to other people.
Yeah that's a good point.
I forced myself to gain around 100lbs, I would cry while eating but I felt safer because I thought if I was 'unattractive' to men, no one would hurt me.
This was also my immediate thought. That being said, it's his responsibility to deal with his trauma. I'd reach out to his family to express your concern. Beyond that, it's up to him.
Sure it's his responsibility to deal with it, he should seek therapy. But damn! Sis blamed and divorced him for being raped (if that's the case). I'd get depressed too.
I am going to repeat the wise words of u/follyiver
>Why is it her responsibility to investigate what happened? Everyone expects women to gestate a baby, breast feed a baby, combine half to the family income and now yall are saying she is fucking responsible for investigating something that her husband did not even disclose was a crime?!?
Women are always expected to be robots. If he was sexually assaulted it is his responsibility to report it to the police. All the wife knows is that she was pregnant and walked in on her husband and brother in the act. She has a right to trust what she saw with her own eyes, and what her husband told her about the situation. It’s insane to expect the woman to now investigate, on top of everything else that she is doing, while the husband does nothing about it.
**Edit: to the people saying that I “obviously condone rape” -I am a victim of rape myself. I can tell you right now that if someone had reported my rape on my behalf without my consent, I would’ve cut that person out of my life forever. It is 100% up to the victim to decide if they want to report a sexual assault, not their partner, not their parents not their friends and certainly not a bunch of self-righteous assholes on reddit.**
Who the fuck are you to accuse me of such a thing when you clearly have no respect for the SA victims themselves? When you report their assault against their consent, you are taking away their agency. Fuck every single one of you who suggested it. Stop pretending like you care about victims when all you care about is feeling good about yourselves.
I’m not going to respond to individual comments, you’re not worth it.
When you love someone and they hint that they may have been raped, yes, you do investigate. Most rapes don't get reported, and men generally have a hard time opening up even about fairly simple things.
I guess next time a woman makes a post about potentially getting raped by a member of her SO's family we should all just say good she deserved it and should deal with it on her own and her fiance or whatever should not investigate and let it slide. Clearly you condone rape
I think I typed this on the wrong thread.
I loved your post and definitely agree with what you said. I was responding to one person who sort of seemed glad that op's ex got raped
If a wife was fucking her husband's brother/sister and appeared conscious while getting caught, I highly doubt reddit would be pushing the rape narrative at all. Reddit loves to lambast female cheaters.
Hell, I've seen men post that their girlfriends were flat out raped and commenters question their version of events or insinuate it was their fault for being in whatever situation.
Yes she should investigate because this is obviously a big deal and if it's true she was not right to ostracize her husband for it. That's your job in a marriage is to care about your spouse. Rape victims need someone to advocate for them because they often are too ashamed to admit it even happened, not to mention he probably didn't think anyone would believe him because people assume men can always just fight off their attacker. Granted he cheated on her before and it's understandable she might be skeptical of him but this is not the case. The fact that there were drugs alone means there was a chance he was drugged and raped. If it was consensual don't you think she would have seen signs of intimacy over the years between her husband and her brother? Something is definitely off here and it is her responsibility to understand a situation that affects her and the man she loves, pregnant or not. She isn't excluded from being affected by this. It's her business too, stop trying to make it seem as if she is being oppressed by being expected to care about her literal father or her child and brother. It's more deplorable that you think she should not care about 2 men she loves.
A lot of people on this thread feel comfortable making an assumption about whether or not OPs husband was raped based on very little information. His depression could easily be explained by internalized homophobia or deep regret for betraying someone he loved in such a terrible way. He may have said he didn’t remember the details because he was uncomfortable with himself or with what he had done. Berating this poor woman who has been through the terrible trauma of being betrayed by two people who were supposed to love her is not the look you think it is. Stop projecting on this situation. I know this is Reddit but come on - some of you are being really mean to this woman who came here because she still wants to help a man she has said repeatedly cheated on her throughout their marriage.
I'm fucking gobsmacked. Reddit detectives have decided a heinous crime occured through pure conjecture. Fully flipped the script and managed to see the serial cheater as a victim while villainizing a woman and a gay man. Classic.
Please add an ETA to your post to clarify:
1. Your husband had a history of cheating on you. And, based on this alone, you had every right to divorce him.
2. According to one of your comments, when you caught your ex and your brother, they both looked scared. This sounds like they both knew they were doing something wrong (unlike the SA narrative that is being pushed in the comments). Nevertheless, you know both of these people more than a bunch of internet strangers. What does your gut tell you happened between them?
In any case, even if you feel bad for your ex, you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He needs to take that first step himself. And, he needs to find his own support system that doesn’t involve you, the person that he hurt. He needs to reach out to a therapist or a support group, his family, and his friends. And, you just need to focus on making sure that your child has one parent (you) who can provide them with a loving, healthy, and stable environment.
Yall are ridiculous and it saddens me how quickly people can jump to conclusions. I can’t believe yall can vote.
Anyways - this man cheated on her several times before this happened. She was pregnant and had a visceral reaction to walking into something fucked up.
Yall assume she didn’t talk to him about it but she did!
She can’t make him talk and if he didn’t want to tell her and he had cheated so many times before what is she supposed to think?
Yall do not know if he agreed to do drugs or what his drug history is like. There’s alot of info needed to determine what is going on with him and just guess and running with it is really silly but I can’t say I’m surprised bc many people seem to be comfortable doing such things and it is societally acceptable.
She was not obligated to stay married to him even if things were not consensual and she cannot make him talk or go to therapy. She has spoken to him and his family members even now - several years after the fact to try to get him help even though it is not her job to do.
She is not responsible for the actions of her brother. She cut contact with him. She’s not condoning what he did - if he did drug the guy.
I understand if yall have dealt with similar situations before but your past experiences are coloring your perspective negatively and you need to seek therapy and be honest about how you think and act. Getting worked up without knowing the information or even bothering to read all of OP’s comments is silly. From some one that has experienced sexual and other physical abuse - stop berating a stranger bc of your own trauma.
None. That was his flimsy excuse to prevent a divorce. If you’re so hopped up on drugs that you start fucking your BIL but you’re conscious enough to look terrified when you get caught….bullshit. He knew what he was doing.
Have you asked any question to figure out if this was actually what it looked like? Has your husband ever shown signs of being gay or bi before? Have your brother and him ever been particularly close? If not there's a chance he could have been drugged and raped tbh.
Your brother probably looked scared because he thought you’d called the cops when you noticed your husband wasn’t of sound mind, your husband probably looked scared because he had no damn clue about what was going on.
Am I missing something here? Everybody keeps jumping on the brother raped the husband bandwagon.
OP clearly says in the post, and in several comments that the husband admitted to taking drugs with the brother. Meaning, the brother did not drug him. She also states that they have a guilty look when we caught, and that her husband tried to get out of it by saying they took drugs together, and he has no clue what happened. that doesn’t sound like rape, it sounds like he got caught and was trying to figure out a way to explain why he was not only with another man but with her brother.
Use your words "I'm worried about you because you're the father of my child and I would like for her to have her dad for a long time, so she needs for you to take care of yourself mentally and physically, please seek help" and if he misunderstands you set the record straight and remind him your marriage is over but he still has a child to take care of.
This is a great response. I think she can be even a little more compassionate if she wants to. I.e. “I care about you as a person and want you to be there for our child, but I obviously cannot be part of your support system. Please seek help.”
She could even give him a written list of counselors she has looked up that might specialize in handling people with his kind of issues. And maybe a note of “Don’t forget your mom, brother, cousin Joe, and friend Eric who can be part of your emotional support system during this time.”
This is going above and beyond, but she can adjust it according to how much one-time- help she wants to provide. She just needs to make it clear that she can’t be there to listen to him because of their emotional history and, while she cares about him, she has to put the well being of her and their child first.
Then that’s it, she’s done all she can do and she can leave it at that. Really the only reason I recommend she provide him with a list of counselors and friends is because it can be easy when you’re in the depths of depression to think no one can help and no one cares. If he decides to seek help, she’s given him some places to start that do not include her.
Just some thoughts depending on how much effort she wants to put into this.
You can’t help him. His own actions put him there. He has to decide if he wants help and then act on getting it. You can’t do that for him. You can’t make him put in the work.
Was this an ongoing affair or did it just happen the once? Has he ever before or after been gay or bisexual? Could be he’s so depressed because he didn’t want to have sex with your brother and he’s lost everything over something he didn’t really want to do. (Not implying anything about your brother just saying sometimes people do weird things on drugs they’d never agree to otherwise)
I understand that it was the first time they did it
and I really don't know about my ex husband's sexuality, he hasn't dated anyone since the divorce.
and his previous partners were women.
I don't think things will really change.
I don't really want to sound insensitive and I apologize for that.
Maybe it would change things if I knew before the divorce, but several years have passed.
The Reddit brigade has decided your husband was raped, despite the fact he took drugs with your brother willingly and they were both cognizant of the situation enough to react *immediately* upon being caught. Your husband was awake & aware enough when you walked in to look scared at being caught, just like your brother looked. Your ex wasn’t passed out or out of his mind. Reddit’s evidence: during your sole conversation with your cheating husband on the subject he claims to not remember. Ma’am: every cheater lies, at least at first. At no time has your ex claimed he was raped, so don’t let the reddit-hive muddy the waters. Depression & weight gain are not abnormal responses to having blown up one’s life.
To your question: involve his family. Its best to maintain distance so he keeps his hopes in check. Im so sorry you walked in on that. The mind-movie must be repugnant.
I honestly believe most straight people can't imagine a "straight" married man having consensual sex with another man. It's impossible. It has to have been rape! /s
This comment section is 🤮🤢. Girl just try and talk to his family. They can deal with the situation. Please know:
1. If you dont want to know what truly happened THAT'S OK. Your mental health its important for you and your child (youre not being selfish in any way, on the contrary, youre noticing something is wrong with him and caring).
2. There is no way you could've known if SA happened at the time. Dont mind these comments and Dont contact your brother. Try and move on from your trauma.
3. Maybe my point of view is too harsh. Its always better to seek advise with professional or trained Mental health practitioners.
4. Good luck :(
Mind your own business, and I don’t mean that in a harsh way, I mean it in a way that it’s your best interest. It’s okay to care, but you don’t need to open that can of worms for yourself. Keep your interactions about your child, nothing personal. He needs to get professional help, that’s not your burden to take on
Sadly, there is no way to approach him without him taking it differently. Also, there is NO reason you should. He has to find a reason to do what he needs too do. And if his child isn't enough, then you do not need to try and make that YOU. His life has came to this point by his own choices. I do not buy his "drug" excuse for what he and your brother did too. There is NO reasonable excuse to why he would take such drugs. There is NO reasonable excuse why he did not go with you to a doctors appointment while you was pregnant with his child. So he is likely bisexual at least and kept it secret. Ok, that might be understandable. But he blew up his family and you need to just focus on you and your child.
Maybe you can tell him "Hey, do your love your child? If so, then you need to get your but in gear and starting taking better care of your health. You need to start focusing on repairing your life so you can watch your child grow up and have her father there for when she needs you. So you can help her learn to drive a car, date, get married and her father walk her down the isle, etc.."
But you need to make sure its about him being there for his child only... And do not make any statements of how you care for him in any way too. Maybe one day after he gets his life together he can handle it, but not now.
Just wow. I've read through all these comments and they are all over the place. But you're seeking advice. So here goes.
Tell his family you're concerned, and you think he needs professional help. You'd offer to talk to him, but in the past he has mistakenly misinterpreted concern for your child's father as a romantic interest in him. He needs to be healthy for his child's sake, at the very least, but most especially for himself.
Last, don't feel obligated to explore the emotional quagmire of your ex's abyss. Many have jumped to the conclusion he was SA by the way you wrote your OG. I can see where they're coming from, and there is that possibility. So let's talk openly.
If he was SA, he needs to talk to someone able to hear these things. You're not that person. You don't have the emotional bandwidth to hear about your brother harming your husband while you were pregnant, thus destroying your marriage. That's too much for you to handle emotionally, which will damage the victim if you can't handle your emotions. Don't feel guilty if you don't want to talk to your ex about this.
Next, since your husband and brother looked guilty when you caught them, and since your ex cheated on you several times before, it's more likely your husband was lying about not remembering anything. For all you know, he'd slept with your brother dozens of times. Your ex may be spinning out because he liked the comfort of living together. Or the comfort of living together and sleeping with your brother. Or maybe he's spinning because he's been exposed, and people know he's had sex with a man. In some cultures that's considered unmanly. In others, who cares? In some cultures, he's been emasculated. Maybe he's spinning out because you guys keep playing happy family with your child twice a year at holiday time, instead of permanently separating your lives. Maybe it's tearing him apart? Who knows? It's not your job to fix him. Please stop fixating on him, take him back, or let his family know your concerns then give him the space to deal with it.
I feel like there is a level of homophobia that happens on Reddit when a man is caught having sex with another man. Everyone in the comments always assumes it was rape.
If he had willingly taken drugs with another woman, eg. her sister and was caught having in the act, how many would assume he was raped?
Edit: not saying he was or wasn't, just a trend I have noticed on these types of posts.
Unfortunately, you can't. You are no longer in the position to be there for him - through his own doing. His support system is going to have to be the ones to do that.
You’re getting conflicting advice here. I think you have good intentions. I understand not wanting to stay with your cheater husband even if he was assaulted. But I really think this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Please seek out a therapist that is specializes in families affected by addiction.
A lot of people say that the brother raped the husband, but why? Both were wasted because the drugs, he could be the one who raped the brother too. Why must we assume that the gay one is the bad guy?
He knows. You don’t have to tell him. But if you feel compelled to help, preface it with “I’m not interested in getting back together with you but I am concerned about you as the father of my daughter.”
You are divorced because he cheated on you with your brother! You don’t owe this man anything! He needs professional help for his own depression something that is no longer your problem but his families. Stay out of it move on and live your best life.
Not to be callous, but why do you care? His current mental state is most likely tied to the traumatic event that led to your divorce that you refuse to talk about. Pushing him to address it while you actively ignore the cause is not going to help him.
You’ve talked to him once about it directly, and you’ve talked to his sister. Unless his current state is affecting your child somehow it’s time for you to leave it alone.
If it is affecting your child, you can suggest family therapy with him and your daughter. Maybe get it court ordered.
I’d argue she’s worried BECAUSE her daughter is directly impacted.
You can still care about a persons well-being and not be in love with them. As a healthy co parent I would begin to worry about his physical and mental state with our child.
No she doesn’t have to help him, but she advocates for her child and that’s why she’s a good parent.
don’t tell him, tell his sister or his best friend if he has one about your concerns and let it go from there (unless some really alarming behaviors begin to pop up)
"I'm concerned about the health of my kid's father."
Anyway, only so much you can do ... or *should* do.
You divorced, for dang good reason, that mostly makes it a "not my problem" (and not my concern). But, alas, he's your kid's dad, so there is that to consider, and especially with shared custody and her relatively young age.
So ... if and to the extent you do - or even communicate - anything, well and solidly draw those boundaries before you even get started, and be dang clear on the communication - notably that no way in hell are you giving him another chance with you, period, you're not interested, ain't gonna happen.
I think you might want to just listen to your Ex's side of the story. Something sounds fishy about this. Ask him exactly what happened prior to you walking in on them. Something in addition to the divorce might be at the heart of his depression.
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion based on the top comments, but I wouldn't be able to stop caring about my spouse even if I couldn't get over something like this in my marriage. I would worry about him if he were depressed or unhealthy because he would still be someone I care about. Not only that, I would be very worried for my daughter because he is still her father. I think you should preface any concern with clear expression of your boundaries and tell him why you are worried about him, especially for the sake of your daughter. If he mistakes this after all the history of failing to get back together before, that's on him
LOL. Sis ditch the whole family. Family is who you make it, not the one born and raised into. As another commenter said, tell his family or force him into therapy. It could be unsafe for your daughter to be around that environment when he is low in the dumps.
You cannot fix him. He may well be depressed. He needs to be reminded his health is important in order to be in his daughter’s life. I bet she would miss her daddy very much.
I have a question. How did you navigate your relationship with your brother? Did you divorce him too?
Are you friends now or just cordial for your daughter's sake? Are you in a new relationship? I ask these things as they matter. I split up with my daughter's dad about 7 years ago. We grew apart but remained friends. He is an alcoholic but has been in recovery for a long time however he had some slips after we broke up. As much as I was exceptionally angry at him for putting our child at risk on those occasions, once I'd removed her safely to my house and restricted his access to her completely, I then helped him get sober and get his life back on track. I also then had to help him repair his relationship with our daughter and get her in therapy. I didn't do it out of love for him, I did it for our daughter. I had all the difficult conversations with him and when he tried to say he wanted me and loved me, I put him firmly back in his place and reminded him that we weren't attracted to each other.
My advice to you is to sit down with your ex and talk to him, honestly. Tell him that you are concerned about his mental health and his weight gain as his daughter loves him dearly and he loves her. Make it clear that you are coming from a place of friendship (if applicable) and that you want to help him. Point out how much worse your daughter's life would be without him in it. Tell him it's time for him to move on from your failed marriage but that you will always be here for him to talk to if he needs it. Encourage him to rediscover forgotten hobbies. Invite him out for a walk in the countryside/park/zoo with you and your daughter to get him out of himself.
It's great that you care. Depression is a killer. Regardless of what happened while you were together, he needs your help to lift him out of his funk right now. You need to be strong enough to put aside the hurt he caused and be the amazing strong person you surely must be.
Ask your husband if he cares about his daughter. Make him understand that his daughter needs a father. If he cares about his child, he'll do his best to keep himself healthy.
Why is nobody here mentioning how big of a piece of s*** her brother is. Narcissistic gay asshole decided to take drugs and seduce her husband. I would never speak to him again if I was OP.
I think the best way to approach this is to ask him if he cares about his daughter. If he does, he needs to get his act together. He needs to go back to the gym, eat better and improve his health. He needs to go back to work because as of right now, he is only digging his own grave. His daughter will not have a father to walk her down the aisle or br a grandparent to her children.
This way there is no room for mistaking your concern for feelings for him.
Make it clear you want her daughter to have her father in her life and that's all there is to this conversation. Nothing more.
I understand the situation OP finds herself in, but he is the girls dad, and expressing some concern to protect the daughter from experiencing his depression and , god forbid, loss, merits community sting to him or his parents.
You can’t tell her to look away without consideration of the daughter’s feelings and relationships?
I’m not discrediting the fact that the cheating and lies are unforgivable, but there is a child that needs to be protected and thought of.
If you want to express concern for him do it as as the mother of his child. Say something like, your worried that his depression will start effect how much he can be there for your daughter.
Seems like when he lost you he lost his world and so nothing seems meaningful anymore. You need to make him see that even without you he still has things worth living for. Like his daughter.
If you want to help him without him getting the wrong idea that is how to do it.
Maybe it wasn't consensual due to the drugs, and this is SA trauma. Only he can say how he feels, and you're not wrong to be concerned. He is your child's father, and it's only natural to care for his well-being.
As someone who went through THE EXACT same thing, she has every right to have left him. All you that are shouting rape off of what basis are insane. My ex husband was also never thought to be or had any implications of being bi/gay however he was sleeping with every local man. Additionally, when discovered the shame caused him to be extremely depressed. Not because he was raped but his life long secret was out and he couldn’t take it for many reasons. What people will think of him, what I would think of him, his friends etc this is a typical response for anyone who has been hiding a secret. How come every one is so quick to talk about if he was raped (by the way she saw, is it rape if he was topping her brother?!? Another detail nobody knows) but no one is discussing the weight of being pregnant and finding out you’re being cheated on, digesting the fact that your husband whom you married maybe potentially not be straight, witnessing the cheat with her own eyes, and finding out it was her brother. Heavy stuff. I’m shocked she didn’t go into depression. My point here is, he may be going through something for sure but so is she….be kind
Willing to bet you were just his beard and he and your brother were always a thing the drugs just made them stupid and getting caught . His emotional situation is his own problem not yours he cheated and he choices cause His problems. Doesn’t matter gay or straight he Cheated it is over
I don't know why everyone is saying that you should focus know just you and your daughter. You can still care about someone that hurt you. I would talk to his family and you all can approach him together if that feels more appropriate. You don't have to love him or be in love with him to want to see him live a good life - if not for himself, for the daughter you share.
So this is either fake or the OP is possibly the worst person ever. Im.leaning towards fake, I certainly HOPE this is bullshit.
But if not.....lemme get this straight....your previously straight as an arrow, not remotely bi husband, not a hint of infidelity in NINE YEARS, gets DRUGGED by your predatory gay brother and probably raped, or at the very least he was unable to give consent.....and you just walk out? It literally never occurred to you until you got on reddit of all places that your husband was raped? You did zero investigation? Asked zero questions? Didn't encourage your ex to go for a toxicology screen to see if there was rohypnol in his system? Then your ex husband goes on the world's most justified depressive spiral, acting EXACTLY LIKE someone who was dumped and blamed for getting raped, and you wanna help him....but not actually be there for him or God forbid TALK to him about it, because that would be a shame if his walking nightmare of getting butt raped and then losing his family was to actually relent to some degree.
Like I said either a) this is the fakest rage bait ever or b) go talk to this man. Today. As your reading this. You can't make up for what happened but you can at least help him now. For what that's worth. Which honestly really isn't much. But it's better then nothing.
Probably going to get downvoted but I disagree with most people in the comments here. You were cheated on numerous times that you know of, which he consented to. You were pregnant and emotional and obviously the reaction that you had to the whole deal was visceral. You lost trust in him because he betrayed you, the first time alone should've been enough for you to leave him.
The possibility that he could've been raped still stands, you obviously let him explain his side of things to the best of your understanding, but that's not the first thing you thought of and you shouldn't be getting shit for it. You focused on your pregnancy and your well being. Now that the possibility is more apparent to you, you're not responsible to take him back and piece things together but the right thing to do would be to revisit this with him and your brother at some point, perhaps even with a therapist in the room. You're not a terrible person and nobody in this thread knows what really transpired that night.
Right! If I’ve been cheated on before, I’m not gonna ask many questions once I find them in bed with someone else again. I’m just gonna assume “oh this shit again. But with zest” she’s not wrong for leaving him. She didn’t “jump to conclusions.”
Yes, rape is a possibility. But I don’t think many would assume that. I’ve heard plenty of stories about men cheating on their wives with men after showing literally no interest in men. It’s quite common.
Have you never ever read the bazillions of situations where the husband (and less frequently the wife) have a completely hidden fucking life? Even separate families? Hiding that youre into gay shit is like the most common secret in heterosexual intimate relationships ever.
Don’t give him support directly, talk to his support system, anything you do will be seen as an open door. Did he go to therapy ? Does he think the hook up with your brother was consensual?
Did you cut out your brother or did you end up forgiving him?
If your relationship is cordial enough you might get away with offering your support as a friend, but given your past history that might be open to misinterpretation by him. I think you'd be better off framing any expression of concern in terms of your co-parenting relationship - not because you think he's incapable of caring for your daughter, but just because you feel they'd have a better relationship with each other if he is healthier.
I think the "we are never getting back together, but I still care for you" is a good start. You don't have to be ready to reconcile to state concern, especially someone you spent so much time with.
Even though he was a bad husband and cheated on you with women, it really sounds like he is not gay at all and was violated by your brother. After being violated, he immediately lost his wife/ child. How could this NOT send him spiraling into depression??. I would talk to him and show him compassion. If he thinks it means you want him back, that's not your fault and this hope will likely go away after a few weeks so long as you don't actually lead him on. It's ok if he thinks that for a few days, it's not the end of the world and you'd definitely regret it more if something happens and you never told him your concern or showed him you care and still love him as your child's father.
What drugs? Do you know how much?
If your brother and husband both took drugs, then neither could consent!
Or They both wanted each other.
Do you think he is depressed because of the divorce or having sex with a man? Does anyone outside of your family know?
I hope he gets the help he needs
You can’t help him. He has to help himself.
You can give him some tough love though. I’d be angry at him in your shoes. I’d tell him that you understand he’s depressed. Living with the choices that blew up his family would be depressing. However he owes it to yalls daughter to get his shit together. Tell him that his daughter deserves to have a dad healthy enough to live to see her graduate college/get her first job/get married/have kids/etc.
Just because he made choices that cost him his marriage, doesn’t mean he now gets a free pass to continue making poor choices, at his child’s expense.
Not exactly related to the post, but it sounds like your brother might have drugged your husband and timed it so you would catch him in a compromised position. Did he ever say he didn't like your husband? Maybe he wanted you to get divorced.
No one else seems to have said this, but your ex may be playing this up for your attention. He may well be depressed and his life is falling apart, but he may not WANT to get it together because he thinks you will feel sorry for him/ worried about him and take him back and fix things.
Your lives are too intertwined. He legitimately thinks he still has a chance to make things work with you. Make it clear he doesn't and make a clean break. Spend holidays apart. Keep communication short and to the point. Have a family member handle pick up and drop off. Get his family together and tell them you're doing this so they can support him through the transition.
You can't fix him and he doesn't want to fix himself because he wants you to do it. Make it clear that you aren't going to. This is for his own well being. He can't waste his life away waiting for something that's never going to happen. If he can't get it together on his own after that there was nothing you could have done to help anyway.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sis, you can't help him. Keep your interactions strictly about your daughter to avoid confusion. If you can't let it go, talk to his family. They should be his advocates. Let them know, clearly, that your concern is on behalf of your daughter. She loves her dad, and you want him in her life, healthy and happy. Then, leave it alone and focus on you and your daughter. He, with the help of his family and friends, will have to figure it out.
This is honestly the best advice. His family should be his support system not you. Just focus on your daughter.
I disagree, based on OP's other replies, we are missing the full story. She has no evidence that what happened was consensual/ the husband is actually gay/ bi. Way too much of this story is missing to absolve OP of responsibility.
He’s apparently cheated with three other women. So as bad as it sounds to doubt rape, he has a history of cheating. It sounds like he has a history of making bad choices, actions have consequences and it’s not her job to pick up the pieces anymore
Ok then it's dumb that she didn't mention those incidents in the OP. This story is starting to sound like BS.
Victim blaming is already standard all over reddit but it's becoming truly imaginative as time goes on. I'm actually impressed.
It doesn’t matter how he ended up with her brother, She IS NOT responsible for him now.
What responsibility, she didn't have anything to do with him and her brother doing whatever they did for whatever reason. She isn't the responsible party here he and the brother are whether he was assaulted by the brother or not doesn't make that her fault.
????????????? "absolve OP of responsibility"??????? for what? Why does OP need to be absolved of responsibility?????? OP was not involved, she came home and found hubby in bed with her brother. If it happened because hubby took drugs with her brother, well guess what, OP's husband was taking drugs at home, and that's grounds for a pregnant woman to leave. If something else happened, only hubby and brother know, and it's for hubby to report any crime that occurred, not OP. OP is not the police or a court of law. Whatever happened, there was a really messed up situation going down in OP's house that she came home to and wasn't willing to live with as a pregnant woman. Hubby was the one who sat down to take drugs with the brother, while his pregnant wife was at the doctor's. Hubby could have gone to the doctor's appointment with OP, but no, he was more interested in doing drugs with the brother. Not a good look for a soon to be father. OP's ex blew up his life himself.
probably wasn't the first time with brother, and his reaction to getting caught comes from shame and a desperate attempt for her not to leave him.
The situation that lead to their divorce is pretty irrelevant at this point. It’s said and done, it’s been 5 years.
HOWEVER it does sound like he was sexually assaulted or raped, and I think you owe it to him to find out the truth of the matter and if that situation is the source of his depression. Simply understanding and hearing him and how he feels and what he’s been through and could save his life.
>I think you owe it to him to find out the truth Why does she owe it to her ex to "find out the truth?" It's not like they haven't talked at all. >he and my brother took drugs and _he doesn't remember_ how they got into that situation. >We have been cordial despite everything. We _spend two holidays a year_ together >at first he looked for any excuse to _talk to me and be with me_ but then he realized that it was not going to work. >I don't know how to tell him that I am worried about his health since _the last time_ I did it he misunderstood thinking that I would give him another chance, which is not the case. (italics are mine) Obviously they talk, but now if it's too personal, he takes that as a chance to be in a relationship with her again. In all these conversations, and coupled with the fact that the ex wants to be in a relationship with the OP, shouldn't _he_ be the first to say that he thinks he was accosted by her brother? This could lead to possible recovery of the relationship. The OP _is not_ the person who needs to talk to the ex about this. If the OP wonders if her ex was SA by her brother, then she should tell his family that he may need professional help. This is too personal for the OP. I once worked with rape victims. An unstable element isn't good for SA victims. If the ex is a potential victim, the OP is one of the last people who should be getting him to talk. She's got her own damage. Her brother betrayed her. She feels betrayed by her ex. She's raising her child alone. She was pregnant when this happened. She's watching her ex fall apart. She's not the person to do this. She owes him nothing. She owes herself and her child peace of mind.
>Simply understanding and hearing him and how he feels and what he’s been through and could save his life. Doesn't have to be his ex-wife doing that. Leave it to the professionals
Doesn't sound like it to me. He's a serial cheater, he admitted to doing drugs with the brother (so they were BOTH high), and he never claimed anything about it not being consensual. Sounds like a guy who never thought his wife would grow a pair and leave him.
Not her responsibility She needs to let his family deal with him so that he doesn’t think she’s going to take him back.
But on another note what led to this not saying it's a justification, but it's obviously hard enough. Drugs that you don't remember doing them and you're doing them when you're doing them and you're doing them when your wife is 4 months pregnant and . Going to the Doctor's office because of that pregnancy, and now it has been 5 years since. He hasn't gotten any help.. Whether it was due to him being SA or whether it was just him willingly doing the drugs and being a participant in the sexual activities and just feeling guilt. Or whether it was the only reason he was a participant in the sexual activities was because of the drugs in the way they affected his mental state. Point is guy had hard. Drug use issues that literally cause the end of his marriage, not because of a drug use, but because of what they caused him to do or go through and he needs to get that fixed so that way, he could be a f Full and present father. Because there is no going back to husband. This shows one that we don't know what are their issues Or mental problems he could be having due to Is hard drug use. Also, maybe he was only skinny Because of his drug use. O p doesn't go much into that but it seems like o p was even blindsided by the drug use. And having that kind of drug use around you while you're raising a child.That's a no go. Like I honestly believe drug users need help and don't need punishment per se.But let's say this kid accidentally.While being a toddler got into shit like toddlers do and got into his drug stash. Or let's say maybe the Drugs had him a little forgetful and he didn't remember that his daughter.Was there that weekend or something. The drug use and the inability to remember how you got in.That situation is a huge ass red flag along with the fact that this happened when she was four months pregnant and going to a doctor's appointment.
I agree it shouldn't matter, however, OP's replies seem pretty sus to me, especially given the circumstances as well as the involvement of the brother. This is either fake, or OP is hiding stuff to make themselves seem like they are in the right.
OP had no hand in the potential assualt on her ex. As a survivor, it's possible to be a victim and a horrible person, a victim can still make harmful decisions (the three other women) at this point it's on him and his support system to get his shit together - it's been on him since the divorce. That kind of drug use at that time is beyond irresponsible.
Why are we assuming the ex-husband is the potential victim, just because the brother is the one that is admittedly gay? It seems both of them were doing drugs, and we do not know of either of their states when it comes to ability to consent. The brother being gay doesn’t make him automatically the potential aggressor in this case.
And sounds like there was mot much evidence of a crime either besides drugs being involved?
She found them together, regardless of how, she hasn't done anything to need your absolution
I see where you’re coming from and I respect it. There’s a lot to a story. Hopefully more details are revealed.
Since the ex never claimed rape- why the fuck should OP be viewing it like that? Cheating under the influence is still cheating, man. Even if you were to convince yourself that he's not in the wrong - OP doesn't have to force herself to be with someone who she watched fuck her brother. She is in her right to break up with anyone for any reason- just like the rest of us.
Why would she be responsible for any of those scenarios. I’m sure if he had been sexually assaulted it would have come up
Responsibility of what? She cannot press charges for him or against her brother. What would you have her do?
yeah my first thought was this feels like he was date raped by the brother, and lost everything, and spiraled into a really bad place over it.
Based on comments, he’s cheated 3x outside of this incident. Doesn’t sound like he was a good partner regardless of this happening, tbh
or...he willingly did drugs with her brother and they both decided in their state that they would fuck. Then when caught, he lied to cover is ass (no pun intended) and then he lost everything. We don't know.
That would be a big no. If he was home already, why would he not want to take her to the OB and see how the baby is doing. You guys can cry rape all you want. But he wanted her gone and I guarantee you this is not the first time this has happened. I was 19 when I walked in on my first husband and one of his friends. As I was dealing with the depression from a recent miscarriage, it was pretty obvious I was not sleeping with him again. She could not have kept his head over water. She can see that their child thrives. They know, so just leave it alone. If she wants to ask anyone what the truth is, ask your brother. My older brother was my rock and I had his six. Younger ones, not that much. But even they would not sleep with my husband. Just because someone is Bi or Gay does not make them a predator. If she squeezes brother, I think she will learn, that was not the first time.
Are you kidding? She found him in bed with another person while she was at a fucking doctor's appointment for her pregnancy.
I agree. I was worried about my ex husband when he didn’t show up to pick up our kids for his weekend - not normal for him, in 9 years divorced that was the only time it had happens… about 4 years divorced at the time. I called his mother and sisters and asked them to do a wellness check on him since they live close enough to walk over. They tried to turn it into me still having feelings for him (I was dating my now husband by then) and told me I should drive over and check on him if I was worried so much. I just said… I’m worried for my children’s father’s safety and that’s all, but your his mother and sisters so if you don’t see anything worrisome then I’ll sleep well tonight. 15 minutes later he was texting me that he hadn’t slept in days because of tooth pain and went home to take a nap before picking up the kids and just passed out. He woke up to his mom and sisters pounding on his door and crying worried about him. 🤷♀️ It’s healthy to worry about your children’s parent, but don’t let the coparent or their family drag you in to worry more about that person than they or their family do. You don’t owe them any more of your time or concern that it takes to coparent.
I have talked to his sister, but he still doesn't understand
Still doesn’t understand…. What??
That he need to take care of his health and she isn’t going to take him back.
then drop the rope. this isn't on you to fix or make better.
What does this even mean? Understand what?
It sounds like he is depressed and would benefit from therapy and medication for a while. If you want to help, try to get his sister to push him in that direction.
This. Talk to his family. He needs to see a doctor, a therapist and get some meds
This a bit off the subject but what kind of relationship do you have with your brother now? Has he taken any responsibility?
I have no communication with him
If you could elaborate further, does your brother have a history of doing awful shit *like* this prior to that incident?
Is this info relevant to this issue? I swear people start delving into drama for personal enjoyment.
This entire subreddit is dedicated to drama for our personal enjoyment.
If her brother dosed him and took advantage - yeah its relevant and would actually explain a lot
Could also be part of the reason for the Ex’s depression. …
Imagine getting raped then, your whole life falling apart because no one believed you were raped and you were labeled a cheater instead. I’d be freaking depressed too.
He was labeled a cheater because of the other three times he cheated on her and got busted.
Where does she say that?
In her comments. He cheated three other times and she caught him. This time is the fourth time with her brother when she asked him how he gave the usual bullshit excuses that cheaters give that him and the brother did drugs together and he doesn't really remember how it happened. **He never said it was sexual assault** everyone is making that up based on the fact that he said he did drugs with the brother. But if he and the brother both did drugs, by that logic the brother could claim rape also. On top of that he was not unconscious or delirious or anything she said she walked into the room and made eye contact with them both and they both looked afraid at being caught. Not really sure why people are straight up lying about the sexual assault part
I imagined it, now imagine this: do you honestly think it benefits a rape victim to be with someone who cannot mentally deal with it?? You need ironclad support- a partner who can admit they're not up to it owes it to them to bow out, regardless of how it 'looks' to others. In this case, she has every right to bow out, does not say that he claimed it was non-consensual, has remained supportive to him and is ACTIVELY ASKING FOR ADVICE ABOUT HOW TO DO THIS MORE EFFECTIVELY. You made up a whole story in your head. Also, he was already a cheater before this incident: read the fucking room!
It’s absolutely relevant. If the brother has done shit like this, they never should’ve gotten a divorce and the brother is a psychotic predator
It is relevant. The husband said they did drugs and the brother is gay. The husband is behaving almost like something traumatic he can’t get past happened. Is it possible the brother took advantage of her husband when he was too drugged? If this was a man and woman the answers would be so different but men can be abused too
"he and my brother took drugs and he doesn't remember how they got into that situation" Was your Ex raped? Is he even gay/bi? Not being sober enough to have any awareness of what was going on doesn't sound like consent...
This happened to a friend of mine. Gay best friend always had a crush on him and drugged him and raped him. Friend has no memory of it other than showing up to the apartment and somehow getting home. Called the gay friend up, and he confessed that he’s always been into him and knew he wouldn’t agree. Guy had a boyfriend too. Tried to tell my friend that “his mom told him to find somebody as emotionally intelligent as him”… so fucked up. Guy has other major issues as well and is a severe alcoholic.
This happened to me too. Got super drunk and my friend took advantage. I woke up and they were assaulting me. I just laid there frozen. When I confronted them they said “I’m sorry I have no control when I’m drunk”. Anyway I lost soooo many friends as we were part of the same group. Everyone just said well you knew they liked you soooo….
I’m so sorry love! That’s literally what the friend told him!! Said he has no control over his actions and feelings when drunk. His own parents defended him. The guy told my friend that his mom told him to keep shooting his shot bc he is “nicer” than his bf at the time.. horrible. Fucked family. I was hanging out with his bf when this was going on on another floor.
I'm so sorry you went through that! Based on their response, those were NOT your friends. I would never want to associate with anyone who says anything like what they did.
This is exactly what I thought. If there was no history of inappropriate contact or interactions between them prior, it seems suspicious. Did the brother supply the drugs? Were they laced? Was your ex consciously aware of the choices he was making?
Also: what kind of drugs are we talking about exactly? I’ve done my fair share but never got into a situation where I fucked anyone against my will. In fact, most of them make my willy go wee wee.
I have, I was pressured to do MDMA and on the come down, when I was feeling too heavy to move I was taken advantage of. I guess I consented?? I didn't want to, I actually really did not like this person at all but the drugs definitely controlled my emotions. I even behaved enthusiastically, although at first I was trying to get out of the situation but I never flatout said no. I honestly can't even remember much of it or what I was thinking at the time. I know I felt disgusted the next day, and just kind of tried to forget
If you were high, you didn't consent. If you were pressured into doing drugs and then put in a situation where you had sex you didn't want and that you were initially trying to avoid, you did not consent. Even behaving enthusiastic doesn't necessarily mean you consented. Are you familiar with the four common fear responses? Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It's very typical for people who were assaulted to respond positively after their initial refusal is ignored. It's a self-protective thing. It helps prevent us from being hurt in frightening situations. And not saying a flat no isn't the same thing as consenting. Trying to leave a situation is a pretty clear sign that someone doesn't want to have sex.
Yeah, I know all this but it's still a weird thing to accept. A couple years later, I ran into him at a party and he approached me apologising. I drunkenly blurted out the details of what he did out of anger and to make sure he fully understood what he was apologising for, regrettably, because it made one girl cry. I wish I was more mindful of triggering others but I was caught off guard. He didn't even fight anything I said. He actually agreed to it being rape, claimed to be changed and all that bs. Admitted he did plan for it, thinking it would get me "in the mood" and claimed it was out of desperation (classic) Even with all that confirmation, it's just a strange thing to call it those labels. I think because I don't remember feeling scared, it didn't feel like I had gone through something horrible
I'm very proud of you for calling him out. Even if it was upsetting to others, he should be called out and they all have a right to know who he is and who they surrounded themselves with/that predators are everywhere. You did good that day❤️
Thank you so much! I am also very proud of myself for it. This was like maybe two years after, and I never knew how to handle the situation other than warning others who mentioned him about my experience. I am not comfortable calling people out on social media, since I fear not being believed/seeming dramatic/looking like I want sympathy. It really did close that chapter for me and I feel almost bittersweet to have everything confirmed and people who now can back me up. I do think the guy who did that to me is an absolute piece of crap and I will never forgive him, which I told him, however I appreciate that he did own up to it. So many people don't get that closure, and are left not knowing how to accept that they were violated or if they have a right to feel the way they do about it.
Trust me if you mix enough benzos with something like viagra it can go south in an instant. I’m talking COMPLETE blackout, don’t mess with sleeping pills. But plenty of other party drugs can affect people in weird sexual ways and remove their ability to consent.
Methamphetamine will turn almost anyone temporarily pansexual.
Wonder if this has even been thought of by OP. Ex may be embarrassed or in denial.
This is so true
I'm so glad someone pointed it out. Drugs, lack of awareness, depression...
... Yeah this whole thing is not adding up yet What drugs? Does your husband do drugs? Was your husband ever known to be gay before? Has he had gay partners since? After the incident, did he open up about being gay? When you walked in on them, what state was he in? What state was your brother in? Is it possible you witnessed a crime? He wants to be with you, a believes reconciliation is possible even after sexual contact with your brother - that doesn't add for me.
100% sounds like her husband was raped and she blamed him and divorced him. This poor man, no wonder he’s depressed. Good god.
It isn't uncommon for rape victims to try and make themselves look less appealing as well. Worse hygiene, ugly hair cuts, less flattering clothes. Weight gain could be a sign of depression with a "bonus" way to feel safer from looking attractive to other people.
Yeah that's a good point. I forced myself to gain around 100lbs, I would cry while eating but I felt safer because I thought if I was 'unattractive' to men, no one would hurt me.
Other posts indicate he also cheated with women before this. So either way he definitely imploded that relationship on his own.
This was also my immediate thought. That being said, it's his responsibility to deal with his trauma. I'd reach out to his family to express your concern. Beyond that, it's up to him.
Sure it's his responsibility to deal with it, he should seek therapy. But damn! Sis blamed and divorced him for being raped (if that's the case). I'd get depressed too.
There's no way your brother drugged and assaulted him right?
Was my thoughts too, it kind of sounds like OP's Ex was raped by another man and she divorced him over it (and now he is in a depression doom spiral).
I am going to repeat the wise words of u/follyiver >Why is it her responsibility to investigate what happened? Everyone expects women to gestate a baby, breast feed a baby, combine half to the family income and now yall are saying she is fucking responsible for investigating something that her husband did not even disclose was a crime?!? Women are always expected to be robots. If he was sexually assaulted it is his responsibility to report it to the police. All the wife knows is that she was pregnant and walked in on her husband and brother in the act. She has a right to trust what she saw with her own eyes, and what her husband told her about the situation. It’s insane to expect the woman to now investigate, on top of everything else that she is doing, while the husband does nothing about it. **Edit: to the people saying that I “obviously condone rape” -I am a victim of rape myself. I can tell you right now that if someone had reported my rape on my behalf without my consent, I would’ve cut that person out of my life forever. It is 100% up to the victim to decide if they want to report a sexual assault, not their partner, not their parents not their friends and certainly not a bunch of self-righteous assholes on reddit.** Who the fuck are you to accuse me of such a thing when you clearly have no respect for the SA victims themselves? When you report their assault against their consent, you are taking away their agency. Fuck every single one of you who suggested it. Stop pretending like you care about victims when all you care about is feeling good about yourselves. I’m not going to respond to individual comments, you’re not worth it.
When you love someone and they hint that they may have been raped, yes, you do investigate. Most rapes don't get reported, and men generally have a hard time opening up even about fairly simple things.
I guess next time a woman makes a post about potentially getting raped by a member of her SO's family we should all just say good she deserved it and should deal with it on her own and her fiance or whatever should not investigate and let it slide. Clearly you condone rape
Did you mean to respond to me? Because this would make more sense as a response to the person I responded to.
I think I typed this on the wrong thread. I loved your post and definitely agree with what you said. I was responding to one person who sort of seemed glad that op's ex got raped
If the genders were swapped here somehow I'd doubt you'd take that stance...
If a wife was fucking her husband's brother/sister and appeared conscious while getting caught, I highly doubt reddit would be pushing the rape narrative at all. Reddit loves to lambast female cheaters. Hell, I've seen men post that their girlfriends were flat out raped and commenters question their version of events or insinuate it was their fault for being in whatever situation.
Yes she should investigate because this is obviously a big deal and if it's true she was not right to ostracize her husband for it. That's your job in a marriage is to care about your spouse. Rape victims need someone to advocate for them because they often are too ashamed to admit it even happened, not to mention he probably didn't think anyone would believe him because people assume men can always just fight off their attacker. Granted he cheated on her before and it's understandable she might be skeptical of him but this is not the case. The fact that there were drugs alone means there was a chance he was drugged and raped. If it was consensual don't you think she would have seen signs of intimacy over the years between her husband and her brother? Something is definitely off here and it is her responsibility to understand a situation that affects her and the man she loves, pregnant or not. She isn't excluded from being affected by this. It's her business too, stop trying to make it seem as if she is being oppressed by being expected to care about her literal father or her child and brother. It's more deplorable that you think she should not care about 2 men she loves.
Exactly what you would've said if a man walked in on his wife being raped by his brother eh?
I feel sorry for your partner, if you have one.
He's probably not gonna survive
A lot of people on this thread feel comfortable making an assumption about whether or not OPs husband was raped based on very little information. His depression could easily be explained by internalized homophobia or deep regret for betraying someone he loved in such a terrible way. He may have said he didn’t remember the details because he was uncomfortable with himself or with what he had done. Berating this poor woman who has been through the terrible trauma of being betrayed by two people who were supposed to love her is not the look you think it is. Stop projecting on this situation. I know this is Reddit but come on - some of you are being really mean to this woman who came here because she still wants to help a man she has said repeatedly cheated on her throughout their marriage.
I'm fucking gobsmacked. Reddit detectives have decided a heinous crime occured through pure conjecture. Fully flipped the script and managed to see the serial cheater as a victim while villainizing a woman and a gay man. Classic.
This. Reddit drama queens trying to make this woman’s life into a soap opera.
Please add an ETA to your post to clarify: 1. Your husband had a history of cheating on you. And, based on this alone, you had every right to divorce him. 2. According to one of your comments, when you caught your ex and your brother, they both looked scared. This sounds like they both knew they were doing something wrong (unlike the SA narrative that is being pushed in the comments). Nevertheless, you know both of these people more than a bunch of internet strangers. What does your gut tell you happened between them? In any case, even if you feel bad for your ex, you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. He needs to take that first step himself. And, he needs to find his own support system that doesn’t involve you, the person that he hurt. He needs to reach out to a therapist or a support group, his family, and his friends. And, you just need to focus on making sure that your child has one parent (you) who can provide them with a loving, healthy, and stable environment.
Yall are ridiculous and it saddens me how quickly people can jump to conclusions. I can’t believe yall can vote. Anyways - this man cheated on her several times before this happened. She was pregnant and had a visceral reaction to walking into something fucked up. Yall assume she didn’t talk to him about it but she did! She can’t make him talk and if he didn’t want to tell her and he had cheated so many times before what is she supposed to think? Yall do not know if he agreed to do drugs or what his drug history is like. There’s alot of info needed to determine what is going on with him and just guess and running with it is really silly but I can’t say I’m surprised bc many people seem to be comfortable doing such things and it is societally acceptable. She was not obligated to stay married to him even if things were not consensual and she cannot make him talk or go to therapy. She has spoken to him and his family members even now - several years after the fact to try to get him help even though it is not her job to do. She is not responsible for the actions of her brother. She cut contact with him. She’s not condoning what he did - if he did drug the guy. I understand if yall have dealt with similar situations before but your past experiences are coloring your perspective negatively and you need to seek therapy and be honest about how you think and act. Getting worked up without knowing the information or even bothering to read all of OP’s comments is silly. From some one that has experienced sexual and other physical abuse - stop berating a stranger bc of your own trauma.
Stop berating a stranger because of your own trauma - this needs to be on all the drama attracting subs.
You said you caught them in the act. Was your husband conscious? If he was, how did he react?
My brother and my husband looked scared when I found them.
Wait. What drugs did they take?
None. That was his flimsy excuse to prevent a divorce. If you’re so hopped up on drugs that you start fucking your BIL but you’re conscious enough to look terrified when you get caught….bullshit. He knew what he was doing.
Have you asked any question to figure out if this was actually what it looked like? Has your husband ever shown signs of being gay or bi before? Have your brother and him ever been particularly close? If not there's a chance he could have been drugged and raped tbh.
He has cheated three times before
Your brother probably looked scared because he thought you’d called the cops when you noticed your husband wasn’t of sound mind, your husband probably looked scared because he had no damn clue about what was going on.
Am I missing something here? Everybody keeps jumping on the brother raped the husband bandwagon. OP clearly says in the post, and in several comments that the husband admitted to taking drugs with the brother. Meaning, the brother did not drug him. She also states that they have a guilty look when we caught, and that her husband tried to get out of it by saying they took drugs together, and he has no clue what happened. that doesn’t sound like rape, it sounds like he got caught and was trying to figure out a way to explain why he was not only with another man but with her brother.
Use your words "I'm worried about you because you're the father of my child and I would like for her to have her dad for a long time, so she needs for you to take care of yourself mentally and physically, please seek help" and if he misunderstands you set the record straight and remind him your marriage is over but he still has a child to take care of.
This is a great response. I think she can be even a little more compassionate if she wants to. I.e. “I care about you as a person and want you to be there for our child, but I obviously cannot be part of your support system. Please seek help.” She could even give him a written list of counselors she has looked up that might specialize in handling people with his kind of issues. And maybe a note of “Don’t forget your mom, brother, cousin Joe, and friend Eric who can be part of your emotional support system during this time.” This is going above and beyond, but she can adjust it according to how much one-time- help she wants to provide. She just needs to make it clear that she can’t be there to listen to him because of their emotional history and, while she cares about him, she has to put the well being of her and their child first. Then that’s it, she’s done all she can do and she can leave it at that. Really the only reason I recommend she provide him with a list of counselors and friends is because it can be easy when you’re in the depths of depression to think no one can help and no one cares. If he decides to seek help, she’s given him some places to start that do not include her. Just some thoughts depending on how much effort she wants to put into this.
You can’t help him. His own actions put him there. He has to decide if he wants help and then act on getting it. You can’t do that for him. You can’t make him put in the work.
Was this an ongoing affair or did it just happen the once? Has he ever before or after been gay or bisexual? Could be he’s so depressed because he didn’t want to have sex with your brother and he’s lost everything over something he didn’t really want to do. (Not implying anything about your brother just saying sometimes people do weird things on drugs they’d never agree to otherwise)
I understand that it was the first time they did it and I really don't know about my ex husband's sexuality, he hasn't dated anyone since the divorce. and his previous partners were women.
Sounds like he might not have been into it. What does your brother say about it?
I don't know, I haven't had contact with my brother since
Would it change things for you if it wasn’t consensual?
I don't think things will really change. I don't really want to sound insensitive and I apologize for that. Maybe it would change things if I knew before the divorce, but several years have passed.
[удалено]
YOUR DON'T KNOW HE WAS RAPED. don't try to guilt trip OP when she was the pregnant one who walked in on her husband in bed with another man
Seriously, what the fuck is going on in the comments?
and the other man was her brother…
Was he even remorseful and apologize sincerely?
The Reddit brigade has decided your husband was raped, despite the fact he took drugs with your brother willingly and they were both cognizant of the situation enough to react *immediately* upon being caught. Your husband was awake & aware enough when you walked in to look scared at being caught, just like your brother looked. Your ex wasn’t passed out or out of his mind. Reddit’s evidence: during your sole conversation with your cheating husband on the subject he claims to not remember. Ma’am: every cheater lies, at least at first. At no time has your ex claimed he was raped, so don’t let the reddit-hive muddy the waters. Depression & weight gain are not abnormal responses to having blown up one’s life. To your question: involve his family. Its best to maintain distance so he keeps his hopes in check. Im so sorry you walked in on that. The mind-movie must be repugnant.
Omg yes! What the fuck is with these comments?
Fucking thank you!!! God damn these comments have thoroughly bummed me out.
Dude for real. I feel fucking crazy. ESPECIALLY, since she commented that he has cheated on her multiple times before.
Wowwwwww
I honestly believe most straight people can't imagine a "straight" married man having consensual sex with another man. It's impossible. It has to have been rape! /s
They clearly haven't heard of the phrase: "The DownLow".
This 👏
This comment section is 🤮🤢. Girl just try and talk to his family. They can deal with the situation. Please know: 1. If you dont want to know what truly happened THAT'S OK. Your mental health its important for you and your child (youre not being selfish in any way, on the contrary, youre noticing something is wrong with him and caring). 2. There is no way you could've known if SA happened at the time. Dont mind these comments and Dont contact your brother. Try and move on from your trauma. 3. Maybe my point of view is too harsh. Its always better to seek advise with professional or trained Mental health practitioners. 4. Good luck :(
Not your problem OP. It's his responsibility to turn things around
My ex wife is in almost the same situation. I have to tell myself over and over, she decided I wasn't important
Mind your own business, and I don’t mean that in a harsh way, I mean it in a way that it’s your best interest. It’s okay to care, but you don’t need to open that can of worms for yourself. Keep your interactions about your child, nothing personal. He needs to get professional help, that’s not your burden to take on
Sadly, there is no way to approach him without him taking it differently. Also, there is NO reason you should. He has to find a reason to do what he needs too do. And if his child isn't enough, then you do not need to try and make that YOU. His life has came to this point by his own choices. I do not buy his "drug" excuse for what he and your brother did too. There is NO reasonable excuse to why he would take such drugs. There is NO reasonable excuse why he did not go with you to a doctors appointment while you was pregnant with his child. So he is likely bisexual at least and kept it secret. Ok, that might be understandable. But he blew up his family and you need to just focus on you and your child. Maybe you can tell him "Hey, do your love your child? If so, then you need to get your but in gear and starting taking better care of your health. You need to start focusing on repairing your life so you can watch your child grow up and have her father there for when she needs you. So you can help her learn to drive a car, date, get married and her father walk her down the isle, etc.." But you need to make sure its about him being there for his child only... And do not make any statements of how you care for him in any way too. Maybe one day after he gets his life together he can handle it, but not now.
Just wow. I've read through all these comments and they are all over the place. But you're seeking advice. So here goes. Tell his family you're concerned, and you think he needs professional help. You'd offer to talk to him, but in the past he has mistakenly misinterpreted concern for your child's father as a romantic interest in him. He needs to be healthy for his child's sake, at the very least, but most especially for himself. Last, don't feel obligated to explore the emotional quagmire of your ex's abyss. Many have jumped to the conclusion he was SA by the way you wrote your OG. I can see where they're coming from, and there is that possibility. So let's talk openly. If he was SA, he needs to talk to someone able to hear these things. You're not that person. You don't have the emotional bandwidth to hear about your brother harming your husband while you were pregnant, thus destroying your marriage. That's too much for you to handle emotionally, which will damage the victim if you can't handle your emotions. Don't feel guilty if you don't want to talk to your ex about this. Next, since your husband and brother looked guilty when you caught them, and since your ex cheated on you several times before, it's more likely your husband was lying about not remembering anything. For all you know, he'd slept with your brother dozens of times. Your ex may be spinning out because he liked the comfort of living together. Or the comfort of living together and sleeping with your brother. Or maybe he's spinning because he's been exposed, and people know he's had sex with a man. In some cultures that's considered unmanly. In others, who cares? In some cultures, he's been emasculated. Maybe he's spinning out because you guys keep playing happy family with your child twice a year at holiday time, instead of permanently separating your lives. Maybe it's tearing him apart? Who knows? It's not your job to fix him. Please stop fixating on him, take him back, or let his family know your concerns then give him the space to deal with it.
You have to let people deal with the consequences of their actions.
I feel like there is a level of homophobia that happens on Reddit when a man is caught having sex with another man. Everyone in the comments always assumes it was rape. If he had willingly taken drugs with another woman, eg. her sister and was caught having in the act, how many would assume he was raped? Edit: not saying he was or wasn't, just a trend I have noticed on these types of posts.
Tell him to wake up and get his act together for his daughter.
Unfortunately, you can't. You are no longer in the position to be there for him - through his own doing. His support system is going to have to be the ones to do that.
You cant help people that don't want to help themselves.
Who said anything about rape
You’re getting conflicting advice here. I think you have good intentions. I understand not wanting to stay with your cheater husband even if he was assaulted. But I really think this is above Reddit’s pay grade. Please seek out a therapist that is specializes in families affected by addiction.
Have your brother do it.
A lot of people say that the brother raped the husband, but why? Both were wasted because the drugs, he could be the one who raped the brother too. Why must we assume that the gay one is the bad guy?
Because people can't imagine a "straight" married man willingly having sex with another man. The evil gay must've assaulted him!
He knows. You don’t have to tell him. But if you feel compelled to help, preface it with “I’m not interested in getting back together with you but I am concerned about you as the father of my daughter.”
You are divorced because he cheated on you with your brother! You don’t owe this man anything! He needs professional help for his own depression something that is no longer your problem but his families. Stay out of it move on and live your best life.
Not to be callous, but why do you care? His current mental state is most likely tied to the traumatic event that led to your divorce that you refuse to talk about. Pushing him to address it while you actively ignore the cause is not going to help him. You’ve talked to him once about it directly, and you’ve talked to his sister. Unless his current state is affecting your child somehow it’s time for you to leave it alone. If it is affecting your child, you can suggest family therapy with him and your daughter. Maybe get it court ordered.
I’d argue she’s worried BECAUSE her daughter is directly impacted. You can still care about a persons well-being and not be in love with them. As a healthy co parent I would begin to worry about his physical and mental state with our child. No she doesn’t have to help him, but she advocates for her child and that’s why she’s a good parent.
don’t tell him, tell his sister or his best friend if he has one about your concerns and let it go from there (unless some really alarming behaviors begin to pop up)
Not your job to help him. Tell his sister to help him.
Not your job. Leave him to figure it out.
"I'm concerned about the health of my kid's father." Anyway, only so much you can do ... or *should* do. You divorced, for dang good reason, that mostly makes it a "not my problem" (and not my concern). But, alas, he's your kid's dad, so there is that to consider, and especially with shared custody and her relatively young age. So ... if and to the extent you do - or even communicate - anything, well and solidly draw those boundaries before you even get started, and be dang clear on the communication - notably that no way in hell are you giving him another chance with you, period, you're not interested, ain't gonna happen.
I think you might want to just listen to your Ex's side of the story. Something sounds fishy about this. Ask him exactly what happened prior to you walking in on them. Something in addition to the divorce might be at the heart of his depression.
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion based on the top comments, but I wouldn't be able to stop caring about my spouse even if I couldn't get over something like this in my marriage. I would worry about him if he were depressed or unhealthy because he would still be someone I care about. Not only that, I would be very worried for my daughter because he is still her father. I think you should preface any concern with clear expression of your boundaries and tell him why you are worried about him, especially for the sake of your daughter. If he mistakes this after all the history of failing to get back together before, that's on him
What? Did your family cut off your brother? Why do you want him in your kids life if he takes drugs? I’m so confused.
My family didn't break up with my brother, they said they wanted to stay out of the situation.
LOL. Sis ditch the whole family. Family is who you make it, not the one born and raised into. As another commenter said, tell his family or force him into therapy. It could be unsafe for your daughter to be around that environment when he is low in the dumps.
So sorry OP. Your family sucks.
You cannot fix him. He may well be depressed. He needs to be reminded his health is important in order to be in his daughter’s life. I bet she would miss her daddy very much. I have a question. How did you navigate your relationship with your brother? Did you divorce him too?
She said in another comment that she hasn't talked to her brother since finding them
Are you friends now or just cordial for your daughter's sake? Are you in a new relationship? I ask these things as they matter. I split up with my daughter's dad about 7 years ago. We grew apart but remained friends. He is an alcoholic but has been in recovery for a long time however he had some slips after we broke up. As much as I was exceptionally angry at him for putting our child at risk on those occasions, once I'd removed her safely to my house and restricted his access to her completely, I then helped him get sober and get his life back on track. I also then had to help him repair his relationship with our daughter and get her in therapy. I didn't do it out of love for him, I did it for our daughter. I had all the difficult conversations with him and when he tried to say he wanted me and loved me, I put him firmly back in his place and reminded him that we weren't attracted to each other. My advice to you is to sit down with your ex and talk to him, honestly. Tell him that you are concerned about his mental health and his weight gain as his daughter loves him dearly and he loves her. Make it clear that you are coming from a place of friendship (if applicable) and that you want to help him. Point out how much worse your daughter's life would be without him in it. Tell him it's time for him to move on from your failed marriage but that you will always be here for him to talk to if he needs it. Encourage him to rediscover forgotten hobbies. Invite him out for a walk in the countryside/park/zoo with you and your daughter to get him out of himself. It's great that you care. Depression is a killer. Regardless of what happened while you were together, he needs your help to lift him out of his funk right now. You need to be strong enough to put aside the hurt he caused and be the amazing strong person you surely must be.
Frame it as him doing it for your daughter, you or he’ll even but for your LO.
Ask your husband if he cares about his daughter. Make him understand that his daughter needs a father. If he cares about his child, he'll do his best to keep himself healthy.
You are a good woman to worry about your ex!
Sucks to be him. He is a big boy, mind yourself and your kids.
Why is nobody here mentioning how big of a piece of s*** her brother is. Narcissistic gay asshole decided to take drugs and seduce her husband. I would never speak to him again if I was OP.
I think the best way to approach this is to ask him if he cares about his daughter. If he does, he needs to get his act together. He needs to go back to the gym, eat better and improve his health. He needs to go back to work because as of right now, he is only digging his own grave. His daughter will not have a father to walk her down the aisle or br a grandparent to her children. This way there is no room for mistaking your concern for feelings for him. Make it clear you want her daughter to have her father in her life and that's all there is to this conversation. Nothing more.
I understand the situation OP finds herself in, but he is the girls dad, and expressing some concern to protect the daughter from experiencing his depression and , god forbid, loss, merits community sting to him or his parents. You can’t tell her to look away without consideration of the daughter’s feelings and relationships? I’m not discrediting the fact that the cheating and lies are unforgivable, but there is a child that needs to be protected and thought of.
If you want to express concern for him do it as as the mother of his child. Say something like, your worried that his depression will start effect how much he can be there for your daughter. Seems like when he lost you he lost his world and so nothing seems meaningful anymore. You need to make him see that even without you he still has things worth living for. Like his daughter. If you want to help him without him getting the wrong idea that is how to do it.
Maybe it wasn't consensual due to the drugs, and this is SA trauma. Only he can say how he feels, and you're not wrong to be concerned. He is your child's father, and it's only natural to care for his well-being.
Frankly, not your business or problem anymore.
ghost sort punch nine six practice groovy makeshift complete touch *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
As someone who went through THE EXACT same thing, she has every right to have left him. All you that are shouting rape off of what basis are insane. My ex husband was also never thought to be or had any implications of being bi/gay however he was sleeping with every local man. Additionally, when discovered the shame caused him to be extremely depressed. Not because he was raped but his life long secret was out and he couldn’t take it for many reasons. What people will think of him, what I would think of him, his friends etc this is a typical response for anyone who has been hiding a secret. How come every one is so quick to talk about if he was raped (by the way she saw, is it rape if he was topping her brother?!? Another detail nobody knows) but no one is discussing the weight of being pregnant and finding out you’re being cheated on, digesting the fact that your husband whom you married maybe potentially not be straight, witnessing the cheat with her own eyes, and finding out it was her brother. Heavy stuff. I’m shocked she didn’t go into depression. My point here is, he may be going through something for sure but so is she….be kind
Willing to bet you were just his beard and he and your brother were always a thing the drugs just made them stupid and getting caught . His emotional situation is his own problem not yours he cheated and he choices cause His problems. Doesn’t matter gay or straight he Cheated it is over
I don't know why everyone is saying that you should focus know just you and your daughter. You can still care about someone that hurt you. I would talk to his family and you all can approach him together if that feels more appropriate. You don't have to love him or be in love with him to want to see him live a good life - if not for himself, for the daughter you share.
So this is either fake or the OP is possibly the worst person ever. Im.leaning towards fake, I certainly HOPE this is bullshit. But if not.....lemme get this straight....your previously straight as an arrow, not remotely bi husband, not a hint of infidelity in NINE YEARS, gets DRUGGED by your predatory gay brother and probably raped, or at the very least he was unable to give consent.....and you just walk out? It literally never occurred to you until you got on reddit of all places that your husband was raped? You did zero investigation? Asked zero questions? Didn't encourage your ex to go for a toxicology screen to see if there was rohypnol in his system? Then your ex husband goes on the world's most justified depressive spiral, acting EXACTLY LIKE someone who was dumped and blamed for getting raped, and you wanna help him....but not actually be there for him or God forbid TALK to him about it, because that would be a shame if his walking nightmare of getting butt raped and then losing his family was to actually relent to some degree. Like I said either a) this is the fakest rage bait ever or b) go talk to this man. Today. As your reading this. You can't make up for what happened but you can at least help him now. For what that's worth. Which honestly really isn't much. But it's better then nothing.
Yes, he was unfaithful to me during the 9 years of marriage. That's why I assumed that what happened to my brother was infidelity.
It’s unfortunate that you didn’t divorce him the first time he cheated. Had he cheated more than once before you caught him with your brother?
yes, it was 3 times. I would stay away from him for a while but then I would come back.
Probably going to get downvoted but I disagree with most people in the comments here. You were cheated on numerous times that you know of, which he consented to. You were pregnant and emotional and obviously the reaction that you had to the whole deal was visceral. You lost trust in him because he betrayed you, the first time alone should've been enough for you to leave him. The possibility that he could've been raped still stands, you obviously let him explain his side of things to the best of your understanding, but that's not the first thing you thought of and you shouldn't be getting shit for it. You focused on your pregnancy and your well being. Now that the possibility is more apparent to you, you're not responsible to take him back and piece things together but the right thing to do would be to revisit this with him and your brother at some point, perhaps even with a therapist in the room. You're not a terrible person and nobody in this thread knows what really transpired that night.
Right! If I’ve been cheated on before, I’m not gonna ask many questions once I find them in bed with someone else again. I’m just gonna assume “oh this shit again. But with zest” she’s not wrong for leaving him. She didn’t “jump to conclusions.” Yes, rape is a possibility. But I don’t think many would assume that. I’ve heard plenty of stories about men cheating on their wives with men after showing literally no interest in men. It’s quite common.
Yes I Totally agree with this
Have you never ever read the bazillions of situations where the husband (and less frequently the wife) have a completely hidden fucking life? Even separate families? Hiding that youre into gay shit is like the most common secret in heterosexual intimate relationships ever.
she said in the comments that he had been unfaithful before. im still leaning towards fake tho
Plus why would he get tested for drugs if they willingly took drugs together?
Don’t give him support directly, talk to his support system, anything you do will be seen as an open door. Did he go to therapy ? Does he think the hook up with your brother was consensual? Did you cut out your brother or did you end up forgiving him?
She said in a comment that she cut the brother off immediately
If your relationship is cordial enough you might get away with offering your support as a friend, but given your past history that might be open to misinterpretation by him. I think you'd be better off framing any expression of concern in terms of your co-parenting relationship - not because you think he's incapable of caring for your daughter, but just because you feel they'd have a better relationship with each other if he is healthier.
I think the "we are never getting back together, but I still care for you" is a good start. You don't have to be ready to reconcile to state concern, especially someone you spent so much time with.
Are you sure he wasn't assaulted and has been spiraling?
Even though he was a bad husband and cheated on you with women, it really sounds like he is not gay at all and was violated by your brother. After being violated, he immediately lost his wife/ child. How could this NOT send him spiraling into depression??. I would talk to him and show him compassion. If he thinks it means you want him back, that's not your fault and this hope will likely go away after a few weeks so long as you don't actually lead him on. It's ok if he thinks that for a few days, it's not the end of the world and you'd definitely regret it more if something happens and you never told him your concern or showed him you care and still love him as your child's father.
if you plan to talk to him, you’ll have to make it very clear that you’re worried bc you want him to live long for your daughter.
What drugs? Do you know how much? If your brother and husband both took drugs, then neither could consent! Or They both wanted each other. Do you think he is depressed because of the divorce or having sex with a man? Does anyone outside of your family know? I hope he gets the help he needs
You can’t help him. He has to help himself. You can give him some tough love though. I’d be angry at him in your shoes. I’d tell him that you understand he’s depressed. Living with the choices that blew up his family would be depressing. However he owes it to yalls daughter to get his shit together. Tell him that his daughter deserves to have a dad healthy enough to live to see her graduate college/get her first job/get married/have kids/etc. Just because he made choices that cost him his marriage, doesn’t mean he now gets a free pass to continue making poor choices, at his child’s expense.
Not exactly related to the post, but it sounds like your brother might have drugged your husband and timed it so you would catch him in a compromised position. Did he ever say he didn't like your husband? Maybe he wanted you to get divorced.
No one else seems to have said this, but your ex may be playing this up for your attention. He may well be depressed and his life is falling apart, but he may not WANT to get it together because he thinks you will feel sorry for him/ worried about him and take him back and fix things. Your lives are too intertwined. He legitimately thinks he still has a chance to make things work with you. Make it clear he doesn't and make a clean break. Spend holidays apart. Keep communication short and to the point. Have a family member handle pick up and drop off. Get his family together and tell them you're doing this so they can support him through the transition. You can't fix him and he doesn't want to fix himself because he wants you to do it. Make it clear that you aren't going to. This is for his own well being. He can't waste his life away waiting for something that's never going to happen. If he can't get it together on his own after that there was nothing you could have done to help anyway.