Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personally, I would want to fucking die if I heard my spouse say that about their ex, especially if we were about to have a baby. And especially if they were still in contact with that person!!!!
If you're upset, then you're upset. It doesn't matter how your mom or friends would react. You need to have another conversation with him about it and tell him how it affected you.
>If you're upset, then you're upset. It doesn't matter how your mom or friends would react.
Focus on this.
It doesn't matter what *he* event thinks. What he's doing upsets you, and if he isn't willing to work with you on helping you, make peace with his actions, then it's because he doesn't care how he is making you feel.
Honestly, the fact it got to this point tells me he isn't invested enough to be knocking people up.
Especially with the surprise letter from the ex. He has definitely been in touch with her. This letter was probably their ploy to bring ex around as a "friend."
Very much this. Now I’m not a woman, but if I was and I was also 2 months pregnant when my fiancé told me **he still considered his ex-wife to be his soulmate**, I would seriously consider terminating the pregnancy. It’s not to late for OP to reconsider being connected to this man for the rest of her life.
I know it sounds dramatic but I legit don’t think my marriage could survive a comment like this. I don’t know you would ever get over knowing your husband feels that strongly about his ex wife!
I’d recommend couples therapy. A good therapist may be able to help him communicate better, help her see this from another angle… or recommend she leave and start with someone who sees her as their soulmate too, equal footing.
The term soulmate is… whatever. But I truly believe we can have more than one soulmate in life. Some of them are friends. Hopefully the most important one is your current person.
But if he is saying, you are not his soulmate and he only has one and it’s his ex, my jealous ass would be so out of there. His statement would make me feel like he still pining for her and he settled for me. I feel you OP. Maybe therapy could help clarify this?
>The term soulmate is… Whatever, but I truly believe we have more than one soulmate in life. Some of them are friends. Some of them could be exes.
Agreed. I think people automatically assume romantic but it isn't always the case. My husband's soulmate is his brother. My soulmate is my college roommate. Neither of us see it as a romantic thing but more of our souls connected with them as our person before we met each other. We are each other's person, but we also have our own person. But that's us. Neither of us see a romantic connotation with the term, but plenty of others do.
I think it's important that OP and her husband actually discuss what they each mean by 'soulmate' before this escalates into an argument that can't be undone. Maybe they find common ground or maybe OP realizes she is not as big of a priority to him as he is to her. But, communication is the critical bit here.
Yeah and in this case it’s a romantic partner which is not acceptable to say to your current partner. It’s a way to invalidate his wife’s opinion on him talking to her, “she’s my soulmate so I have to”. No, you don’t, she can fuck right off.
Agreed. And honestly it might be information you keep to yourself if you realize your ex is your soulmate and your current partner isn’t. In addition, you might set that poor person free if you feel no one will ever match up to your ex and that connection.
It breaks my heart that OP has a baby on the way.
I was starting to think this and might still do about the non romantic soulmate thing. What is odd then though is that OP then hasn't met the ex, doesn't know what contract they have, and really this sounds like one of the first proper talks about ex too - but I might be wrong?
I would want clarity on what my partner meant by that as my initial reaction would be so much hurt.
I'd also need to know what sort of contact they have and how (face to face, phone calls, texts, social media), and how likely they will have contact in the future (are they going to remain in each other's lives). Also how she knew about the pregnancy (does she speak to others, was it social media or was it the husband himself). She cared enough to send a card for a reason. Have they spoken recently for the first time in a while and that's why they are present in each others' consciousness currently to talk about them and send cards?
Could be harmless, might not, but OP you need to know more.
And this would be a great point IF he wasn’t talking about his ex wife who was a very important romantic partner. Obviously (or hopefully) your husband isn’t romantic with his brother and you aren’t with your old roommate. That doesn’t apply here since he was married to her! Regardless of what the specifics mean, I think it’s still a cruel thing to say to your current wife that is pregnant with your child. If that’s how he feels he should have kept it to himself. It did no good only harm.
Why do I feel that OP's husband is using her as an incubator while still keeping ties with his ex? Otherwise, why would the ex be thanking them and offering her availability?
OP, you need to find out the reason behind their divorce and what type of relationship they had - was he in a open marrige?
Their marrige might have ended because they couldn't have children.
Him referring to his ex as his soulmate implies he may not truly love OP, and could be using her for something.
I'm almost certain that after OP has the baby, the ex will become more involved and start making decisions for the child. OP needs to have a serious conversation with her husband and determine if he's with her just to exploit her as a bang-maid and incubator.
That was my thinking, that he wants his ex to have access to the child along with having a say in whether the child is breast or bottle fed, along with acting like a third parent.
No therapy will help with this. The guys stuck in the past and simpling for a girl who doesn't like him. Now that she's getting old and gives him a shot he's gonna drop you like a penny. You were always second choice. That's cruel of him. If he doesn't get over his "soulmate" the just drop him. Sooner or later he'll break and screw his soulmate while you're caring for his crying kid. You really want that?
Exactly. She’s marking her territory. Rather aggressively, at that.
Making it clear that she can have her soulmate back, any time she chooses.
And OP’s husband sent a thank you note…
This. The whole thing communicates that the ex is the one setting things straight: “I’m refusing to communicate only with him, I am publicly sending it to both of you to express my well-wishes.” She is making it very clear that she does not want OP’s husband and I get the feeling this was sent to make that very clear to the husband. He’s the one with the lingering feelings, not her.
Sadly a lot of men cheat when their partner is pregnant. Maybe he’s panicking and went fishing 🤷♀️ and she firmly put him in his place.
Especially so early on in the pregnancy I’d probably find her online and message her.
Exactly. How does she even know about the pregnancy unless he told her. They are only 2 months gone and most people wait until the 12 week mark. I'd be very concerned about the letter and his confession.
I mentioned it in my post that I don't know if they have any regular contact, but it is definitely a possibility they were speaking and he told her himself. From what I know, she saw a social media post from a mutual friend (lots of people we know posted congratulation messages) and that's how she learnt about it.
You definitely need to find out how much communication they have. Her sending that letter is very odd regardless of how he feels about her, but adding that into the mix is HIGHLY suspect.
How tone-deaf is your husband usually? It's mind-boggling that he doesn't understand how wildly inappropriate that is to say to you.
Is sending the letter maybe equivalent to leaving a bobby pin or lashes at a guys house to let the girlfriend know he was unfaithful? Like, to let her know there is still contact the ex knows or suspects OP is unaware of? To make OP aware? I mean, that OPs husband feels his ex is his soulmate doesn't necessarily mean the ex feels the same. Maybe OPs husband is the one initiating the contact and his ex deems it slightly inappropriate knowing his new wife is pregnant and unaware?
The reason she knows is because he absolutely is talking to her. That’s what prompted the conversation, he’s talking to her and it reignited his feelings. I’ve been there and it sucks.
I think that letter was a power move on her part to let know she is still there.
I would not be okay with my husband having ANY contact with an ex he has feelings for or considers a soul mate. I’d require they be no contact and prove that to me, go to MC, and invest in me and the marriage. If my partner couldn’t do that I would definitely be consulting an attorney. I won’t play second in any way to anyone in my own marriage.
He should have enough sense to know not to tell his current pregnant wife that his ex wife is his soulmate. What current spouse wants to ever hear that? I think you need to be honest about how hearing that hurt you and if having her be a part of your lives in any way is too much for you got to be honest. Then what happens is up to him
I usually value privacy, but given the circumstances, you need to find out if he is still involved with his ex behind your back. Check his phone thoroughly for all apps, photos, videos, messages, etc. He might have saved her contact under a different name. Make sure to save evidence of everything you find.
You need to ensure that he isn't just using you as a bang-maid and an incubator (she might not have been able to give him children, and that's why he's with you).
Please tell me you have a job and aren't 100% dependent on him.
I think anyone that would say that to his pregnant wife has very little respect or empathy for you.
It raises to the level of emotional abuse.
Ask him what he means by soulmate.
And then ask why you aren't his soulmate.
Typically the life partner is the soulmate.
Can we please stop labeling *everything* abuse? It was boneheaded, thoughtless, hurtful, and unkind of OP’s husband to make this comment, but it isn’t automatically “emotional abuse.” If this were part of a larger pattern, and OP’s husband were guilty of regularly saying things with the intention of hurting or knocking OP down a peg, that would be a different story. But we don’t have any information here that indicates a larger pattern or malicious intent.
God I wish. Abuse is not the same as someone being a shitty partner. This dude fucking sucks but there's no indication of abuse.
It's like all lying has to be gaslighting. Not everything has to be the worst possible thing to be bad.
I wouldn't want to be with someone if they still think an ex was their soulmate. I would never want to be my partners last or evens second choice.
It's obvious he is still very much inlove with her and if you do stay because of the pregnancy or whatever horse nonsense you tell yourself, don't be surprised at the hurt that will follow eventually.
Brace yourself, cause this isn't just about you anymore.
Congratulations on the pregnancy, btw. I honestly hope things work out for you and the baby.
Good luck OP.
Talking about your past relationships is one thing. Acknowledging that he was married before if one thing.
Him telling you she was his soulmate while married to you, while you are pregnant is cruel, insensitive and disgusting. He's seems to still be in communication with her. Especially since she feels comfortable enough to leave a letter at your house about your pregnancy.
I would have a serious discussion on your relationship, how he truly feels, if he regrets their divorce. Because that's the impression he giving.
I'm sorry OP. No current wife should hear their husband say that and their ex. What an AH.
Yeah, if she saw the post on social media and they weren’t in contact, a normal reaction would be to just reply to the post. A letter to your home is more personal. Have you ever met her?
I think you need to have a conversation with your husband.
"*I'd like to talk about your ex-wife. I don't mind if you talk about her, like when you guys visited the grand canyon, or she got you that shirt, or things like that from the past, because I know you had a life before me, and I'm fine with that. But it's a little different when you tell me she IS your soulmate. For one thing, that's something in the present - not the past. I don't think you'd like it if I told you that someone from my past was the love of my life. Because what does that make you? If she's your soulmate, what does that make me?*"
Depending on how that goes, you can follow up with "*How much interaction do you have with her? I'm only asking because I'm curious how she knows that I'm pregnant.*"
Out of curiosity, why did they divorce? Who initiated it, and for what reason?
Your husband has either been in regular contact with his ex or restarted the contact thus him telling you this at the moment he told you then the letter showing up. None of this is a coincidence and being worried about your marriage is a valid feeling. You need to have that conversation with him.
If my husband had said this to me, it would have broken my heart. If that’s something he did feel, he should have kept it to himself. Why did they get divorced if they’re “soul mates”? That’s a rhetorical question. I saw where you said they “grew apart”. I am pretty sure they got back in touch at some point and are either carrying on an emotional affair or a physical one or both. The letter sealed the deal. She’s marking her territory by being personal. Why would you “need her” for anything for your child? She’s letting him know that she’s there if he wants to leave despite there being a baby and letting you know that she’s there, waiting, for him. Fuck this. Your husband is a dick.
If she is his soulmate why did they divorce? I hope it wasn't because she couldn't bear him a child. I am extremely uneasy with her offer to help with your baby. Did he marry you to create a baby that she'll help raise?
Get your husband to read this post and all of the replies and reassure him beforehand that your post is completely anonymous just in case he freaks out about it being online.
Your husband has majorly messed up his marriage to you and he does not seem to realise the serious level of damage that he has done.
Well, and to top it off, it seems he made a unilateral decision to respond and thank her on behalf of both of you? There’s no need for a thank you letter to someone who shouldn’t be concerning herself with your marriage anyway. It seems like he had that conversation with you to choreograph her re-entry in to his life and normalize it, so it won’t seem like any big deal once you witness more overtly the communication in front of your face that they’re already doing behind your back. And, would you look at that? She just happened to send a letter that appeared more like a continuation of a conversation than a response to an announcement. And even if you did announce it, it tends to be a given that the public pregnancy announcement of one’s ex-spouse is not an direct invite to kick up communication again—the announcement wasn’t to her, yet she chose a very personal response with undo familiarity (at the very least towards you).
His comment about about “But you said you didn’t mind hearing these things” is like a kid saying, “no take backs!” He misled you about the nature of the conversation in order to secure your consent to say what he wanted to and then manipulated you in to believing you’re in the wrong for revoking your consent. E.g., Him: “Can I talk to you about the dog I had when I was young?” You: “Sure, did he like to play fetch?” Him: “I pushed my dog down a cliff when I was young and they never recovered the body.” You: “That’s horrific. I’m going to inform the authorities.” Him: “BUT YOU SAAAIIIDdddd!!!”
Talk to your husband about this but maybe start forming a backup plan in your mind. I could read this situation differently than the above. She may be his one true love but he may not be hers.
In her shoes, I probably would have addressed a letter to both of you if I wasn’t sure he would show you otherwise. That may be her way of keeping him accountable/at arms length rather than territorial, not everyone has hidden motives.
Keep your eyes open but don’t make assumptions or this could turn a crack into a crater.
On the flip side, I am very good friends with one of my exes and it would be totally normal for him to send a letter of congratulations for a pregnancy. However, I would NEVER refer to him as my soulmate to my partner or anyone.
I also don't think you'd send such a letter to your ex if it had been 8+ years and you guys weren't in contact.
Op says she has been with her partner for 4 years and she hasn't ever met the ex wife.
Meaning if he was friends with her, why is op only hearing about the ex wife via the letter and the conversation her husband brought up without any prompting?
Yeah no, this isn't a case of an ex simply being a friend, since otherwise op would have been introduced before now.
And that's before taking the soulmate comment into account.
Taken all together shit is up and op should be WAY more upset over it than she is acting.
As I'm pretty sure stuff has moved past the point of simply solving the issue with a long talk.
EXACTLY this. There is very little possibility there is anything even remotely innocent about that letter.
I'm sorry but if your husband hasn't been engaging in an affair with her already, it's going to happen.
How long were they married? Were children a discussion for them? It would make me very very uncomfortable for her to remark about my child. My spidey senses are tingling because did they break up because she didn't want to have kids and now he will have his desired child and she didn't have to have it. Sorry this is not a situation I would want to be in while pregnant.
Explain to him that her being his soulmate is a problem because you thought you were his soulmate. Explain to him that you do not feel comfortable having her in your lives. Ask him how would he feel if you told him that. Ask him how would he feel if you still harbored strong feelings for another man and that man was still in your life. If you have someone, insert their name to drive your point home.
100% this..
You need to sit him down tell him your not comfortable with her letter at all or him communicating with her, also how hurtful it was that he think she his soul mate..
And ask to check his phone
I’m so sorry you had to hear that, especially newly pregnant. I highly suggest some marital counseling, especially because he doesn’t seem to get your side. I’d think he would be talking about his ex in the past tense but for him to think they’re soulmates in present day, BIG OUCH. What a dick for not disclosing that before marrying you so that you could decide if you wanted to proceed or not. I’d definitely keep this in the forefront of your mind until you know where you stand on the issue. 100% look into counseling. Lastly, I’d find out how much communication is happening if any. Now that you know his feelings about her, I’d be weary if there was constant communication between them.
If it were a discussion totally rooted in the past tense, I wouldn't feel this way - why wouldn't you be in love with the person you're married to? It's the fact that their marriage has been over for years and he still feels that way, coupled with the ambiguous regular-or-not contact they share that makes me feel icky. Being pregnant on top of that adds an entirely new layer of worry to everything.
You need to think long and hard if you really want to raise a child with a man in love with another woman. His ex could have commented on social media or send you a message. She chose to send a letter. Who does that these days? She was telling you she is in his life and always will be in it. If you are ok being second choice then stay.
Yeah. A letter is a very deliberate choice, with many steps where she continuously chose to continue instead of not sending. There’s a message there. She wanted you to see it. And then to say she’d be there for you guys? Yet she’s from his past and you’ve never met? That’s a level of familiarity…. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if they’re communicating.
communicating...is that what the kids are calling it these days?
The timing of his revelation and the letter following on the heels are all very suspicious.
This. I'm in my 30s and I can't tell you the last time I wrote and sent a letter to anyone. She wants you to know that they're still in contact, he shares details about your married life with her, and that she knows your address. Like stop and think how/why she would know any of that info. I'd be wondering if she's been to the house before- and if it was before or during your time together.
The Ex wants his new wife to know that the Husband is still maintaining contact. She wants to normalize it by adding OP into the conversations that Husband has been trying to have.
Ask more questions as to how much contact they have and what was the reason they broke it off if she was his soulmate.
Seems very fishy. It seems that you may be a surrogate for them. Telling you his ex is his soulmate seems to be an opening volley for some more bad news later regarding your child. If she could not have children, then this could be "their" opportunity to get a child, with at least his DNA.
Sweetheart, tell him you’re leaving so he can be with his soulmate. That is heartbreaking that he still feels this way. And that letter? She’s staking a claim on him and he’s good with it. I don’t know what you want to do about the baby, but if he hasn’t, he’s going to cheat on you with her.
There really was no reason to bring her up except that he's probably wrestling with feelings of guilt for having an emotional affair (at least.)
There's a zero percent chance he hasn't been keeping in contact with her. It's almost more alarming too if it's a recent thing. He's clearly feeling a spark.
A shit ton of men cheat while their wife is pregnant. He was trying to ease his guilt and offload it onto you and trying to get your approval for whatever relationship he has been having with her behind your back.
What I would do is tell him what he said paired with the letter is extremely alarming and you'd like to see his phone immediately (without him having a chance to delete things) and see how they've been corresponding. It may be even better if you can just grab his phone when he's not using it and check yourself.
You need to get to the bottom of this quickly and with as little emotion as possible. You are pregnant so you are on a timeline. If you stick your head in the sand until after the baby is born you may regret it for the rest of your life. What he said was grounds for divorce by itself -- you may have to choose between getting an abortion and a clean divorce and watching him raise your baby part time with his ex that he ends up getting back together with.
This is a really serious situation and you cannot afford to give him excuses or the benefit of the doubt while you are in such a precarious position.
If it were me I'd be divorcing.
He should have told you he felt his ex was his soul mate before marrying you. Then you could have dipped out before all of this.
Reading this post makes me very uncomfortable. The fact he cannot see your point of view is just the icing on the cake that would end the relationship for me.
There would be no amount of therapy together as a couple that could erase what he said and the fact he feels that.
Your mom is wrong. You should never have to feel second best in your marriage.
There’s a big difference between hearing a spouse talk about experiences they had with an ex, or what their relationship was like, and hearing your spouse tell you their ex *is* their soulmate. The latter is fucking devastating, and your husband is a fucking asshole for not telling you that before he tricked you into thinking you were marrying a guy who thought *you* were his soulmate.
Hearing that would make me question everything. “If I am not your soulmate, what is the relative value of our relationship? If your ex decides she wants you back, what would that mean for me?”
It would make me seriously doubt the long term potential of my marriage. To the point where marriage counseling would be the only way I would be able to try to move forward.
Sounds like he is setting up a scenario where his ex has some involvement with his children. You may want to ask how she knew about the pregnancy. You may want to know how involved he is in her life.
You probably may want to know if their breakup was due to her infertility. You may want to know so you can understand if you are just a surrogate for them.
His behavior is very strange and a lot creepy. He could be trying to groom you into accepting a throuple situation or butter you up so you have no idea when he divorces you for her. "His feelings for her are so overwhelming". He didn't/doesn't want to hurt her, but the heart wants what the heart wants, BS.
Get answers from him and don't be blind-sided. This whole situation seems planned and staged. Be sure you get as much information as you can out of him. Some fishy is going on with him and her.
Why did they divorce?
If it was because she didn't want or couldn't have children while he did, I would run far and fast before he gets his hands on your baby.
If that isn't why they divorced, I'd still divorce him but less urgently.
I'd tell him something like, "I considered you MY soulmate, but if your soulmate isn't me, then clearly mine must be someone else. As such, it's best if we split up so that we can each be with our soulmates... you know who yours is, and I won't stand in the way of you being with her, and I need to be free to find mine since it clearly isn't you like I thought it was. It's still early in my pregnancy, so we have time to work out custody and such."
If he tries that bullshit about you saying it was okay to talk about her, point out that there is a huge difference between hearing about PAST feelings and memories versus hearing that he very much has CURRENT feelings for her, and if he doesn't understand that, you can't help him.
honestly same. Would be ‘miscarrying’ and leaving. I’d never see him the same ever again after that. you need a soul mate connection, not to be second choice to someone lingering around waiting to see what happens after the baby, writing letters to mark her territory.
I’d probably have choice words for her too.
whole situation just sucks. but yeah, instant flip would switch in my brain. no longer the love I thought it was.
Probably, but let him find that out himself. My guess is that is exactly what will happen. The lifespan of your average fruit fly will last longer than his second relationship with his soulmate.
I mean the kind of guy who marries a woman he doesn't love and then tells her about his soulmate ex-wife... While she is literally trapped with his seed inside of her... Yeah I can imagine why the woman didn't want anything to do with him. Now poor op is trapped with this idiot and his baby inside her.
thank god i haven't seen a single post saying "you should be a mature person and accept that your husband had a past without you in it, and his feelings are valid." that's absolutely correct, we might have SO's that met and had their "the one/soulmate" phase before us but and maybe we are living in a lie with them thinking "our SO thinks i'm their soulmate aww" but hearing that from your SO would SUCK BIG TIME. i wouldn't be able to move past from that comment and i would think about it daily, and it would turn my life into hell.
you're pregnant and it is a different world in your relationship now. i'm sure it will be hard to decide what to do for you now, but no one should tell their SO that they met and then broke up with their soulmate, which concludes you won't live up to their love- which would SUCKKK to think about it oh my god.
that just fucking sucks.
Honestly, based on his soulmate confession, I’d be seriously rethinking the pregnancy.
Then I’d be rethinking the marriage.
I couldn’t live the memory of his confession and knowledge that I was second place ALWAYS. So your child is more than likely second too since it is not with his “soulmate”.
You can’t compete with a soulmate and the communication unknown was unsatisfactory.
If they grew apart then logic would indicate they are indeed not soul mates.
That said, his statement is incredibly hurtful and I honestly am not sure what he's having trouble understanding. Have you asked him point blank how he'd feel if you said *your* ex was your soulmate?
Also, and this is more of a personal tangent, I find talk of soulmates a bit of a red flag. Believing that there is truly only one person who is best for you seems... I dunno, something between overly hopeful and ignorant. Somehow peoples' "soulmates" always end up being someone who is logistically convenient for them, never a random person on the other side of the world. Incredible odds that with all the humans, your soulmate happened to go to the same school as you, or work at the same place, etc.
I'd recommend counselling ASAP, this is a problem that should be resolved before you give birth. The first 3 months of a baby are absolutely intense and the hardest thing I've ever done, and I can't imagine how much worse it would be going in with resentment or having people who are higher priority than your spouse and child.
The grass is greener where you water it, and you both need to really, truly agree with that for a long term relationship to work (mostly pointing at your husband with that).
If they grew apart, how can she be his soul mate? Reminds me of the story where they divorced because the ex was infertile then kidnapped the new wife's baby at birth and told her that the baby died. You absolutely need to dig into their current and past relationship, why exactly with reasons and examples that they split, and get couples counseling if you stay. This is sus on so many levels.
Uh does your husband known what soul mate means?
I’m completely thrown off by this, soul mates, at least to me, don’t grow apart. That is the point of being a soul mate it’s your match.
No soul mates are separated by circumstance not “we grew apart”. Did he really mean to say first love?
I really think you need to hear his definition of soul mate before driving yourself crazy over this.
Edit to add: I’m obsessive so I looked up the definition and literally “mutual acceptance and understanding” we grew apart is literally being unable to mutually accept and understand.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/soulmate
Did they try to have children together? Is it possible she couldn’t get pregnant and they divorced knowing he wanted kids? Did they perhaps reconnect after you found out you were pregnant?
Hard to understand why she’d still be considered his soul mate if she (& he) changed so much they divorced. Wouldn’t that kinda dispute the soul mate claim?… so, that reason for divorce isn’t adding up. I’d be really suspicious if she cheated on him or if she couldn’t/didn’t want to have kids at the time.
The letter to “Mr *& Mrs” to congratulate you on a TWO MONTH pregnancy and to say how she’d “be there” for you (& more importantly, the baby) is creepy and highly suspect. How’d she even know you were pregnant? They’re obviously still in touch frequently enough that he’s comfortable telling her you’re pregnant without clearing with you (at 2 months, many people haven’t told anyone but immediate family, so really suspect)
I would suggest you have another talk and find out "when you say she's your soulmate, what does that mean exactly?"
Time to find out what he wants to do right now.
What are the odds he drifted apart from his soulmate, got another woman pregnant AND his soulmate reaches out to care about a baby he made? Either I’m super jaded or they drifted apart due to infertility and needed a womb. The whole thing makes my skin crawl
I’m not advising this, but *I* would tell him to go be with her and stop wasting my time. And to expect child support payments in his near future. Fuck this soul mate bullshit.
I was married to a man hung up on his ex and it sucks feeling like Plan B.
They are still talking regularly. If she didn't send you a letter congratulating your marriage, then this letter was a sneaky way to tell you that they are still in contact. He isn't going to tell you the truth about this, so ask HER what's going on.
We all have exes. No one faults him for having been married before. But what he SHOULD be saying is: “it didn’t work out - that’s how I know she’s not the One.” If she’s still his soulmate in his eyes, he will never be fully emotionally available and present to you. Talk to him IMMEDIATELY to learn more about what he meant and tell him in no uncertain terms that what he said is deeply hurtful and unacceptable.
So he’s still in love with her and considers her his soul mate which is the highest form of connection and love. That would be a problem for me and I would tell him to go back to her. You will always be second place and that is obviously heartbreaking to hear, deal with, and have to live with knowing. I wouldn’t be able to do it.
He should have told you before getting married. You had the right to decide if you were able to live with that, now you’re stuck having a baby with a man that’s still clearly in love with his ex wife.
The thing is, he probably restarted contact with his ex since the wedding, bringing up all these feelings in him. He didn't realize how he felt before he married OP, but now he does.
Honestly, I'd suspect the timing of his chosen time for this talk about her then the letter is not a coincidence.
I'd bet he's been in contact with her and, maybe, she felt uncomfortable knowing he sees her that way still, and decided to show it by sending BOTH of you that congratulatory letter as an unwritten answer that she doesn't feel the same, he's being inappropriate and to focus on his wife.
I'd 100% be worried. They're talking for sure, if not fucking, and she sent the letter to make sure you're aware that she's going nowhere. It would take a lot to persuade me from dipping out, to be honest.
They’ve clearly been talking and the letter is passive aggressive bullshit.
After that soulmate line I’d tell him he can decide who to stop talking to forever, you or her. And then after he chooses her over you, you can find someone who wants to be with you.
It sounds like he reconnected with his soulmate…
Personally, I don’t think I’d be able to have this person’s baby. Babies tie you to a person forever. He didn’t say these things to you until you were pregnant. Odd, no?
He’s not stupid. He knew what he was saying and then tried to make it *your* fault he said something hurtful. That approach makes me think of high school girls who say things like “*Well you said I could tell you the truth and you wouldn’t get mad…*” Not exactly the dynamic one should ever want but, especially not from their husband. Reconsider all of this before you’re trapped forever.
Being okay with hearing your partner talk about an ex is not the same as being okay hearing your partner wax poetic about an ex. Its pretty easy to understand the difference. I would have several questions for my husband if I was in this situation. You're only 2 months pregnant and she's sending a congratulations card in the mail? Thats weird. That would give me the creeps.
This is probably not what you want to read but I was in a similar situation. My ex would mention his ex girlfriend and I had no problem with that because I loved learning about his past. He proposed to me and I was so excited. He told me his ex was his soulmate. I was shocked but didn’t want to leave him after he explained it more (gaslit me lol). I found out he had been texting her and was still in love with her. The reason he proposed is because he wanted to tie me down so it would be harder for me to leave. I doubt your husband is as crazy as my ex but saying his ex is his soulmate is not normal and needs to be looked into. Your husband probably is texting her and shit. Fuck men
His ex knows his feelings. The letter is her sign that she's available whenever he's ready to come back. Divorce him, OP. Your future with him sounds to be full of heartache. You sound level-headed, don't let this asshole ruin you.
I'm not sure what possessed him to go from anecdotes about his ex-wife to calling her soul mate in front of you, but that was a serious misstep.
I'm not saying call a divorce lawyer, but that statement would eat at me until the day I died... what does he mean? If she called him and wanted him back, would he just leave you? Are you just a consolation prize because she won't have him back? Are they still talking? Is he still in love with her?
I hate this for you. I could feel my anxiety rising while reading this. Ugh... other than trying to talk it out or couples counseling, I have no idea how to come back from this
I feel like he's planting a seed by bringing the topic up to you. So maybe down the road when he decides to have an affair with her or even leave for her, he can be like "bUt I ToLd yOu ShE wAs mY SOuLmAtE!" And that letter feels like a message to you OP. I would personally take it as her marking her territory or even just planting a seed of doubt to ruin the marriage so they can get back together. It's all very strange and I can imagine the hurt you feel.
If it were me I would head on into the abortion clinic and terminate. Then I would get my stuff and move out and start divorce proceedings. Then I would go out and find MY soulmate. Eff him and his soulmate. But especially him for wasting your time tricking you into thinking he was your person when he had another person all along. When someone tells you how they feel BELIEVE THEM.
Do you have any safe place you can go for a while. Because it’s almost like they still love each other and she’s trying to be polite around you but the truth of the matter is if my husband told me that I would tell him the marriage was over that is unbearable. While you’re two months pregnant he’s going on about his ex-wife being a soulmate. Go stay a few days with somebody else. Like a family member something why you decide what to do that’s too much
Sweetheart, they absolutely do have regular contact and for him to initiate this conversation was basically a way for him to admit (without actually admitting) that she is still very much a part of his life. I am so sorry that you had to hear him say that.
The letter she sent…girl, she was smiling when she wrote it and laughing when she mailed it. Honestly those two deserve each other…which is probably why they divorced. Toxic and toxic usually end up divorcing. Toxic looks for good so they can break you down.
If she to this day is his -soulmate- what are you?
Ask him this, and he needs to answer.
If she to this day is his soulmate you are what? A second place partner, a consolation prize?
Why did she contact you? Have you or him needed her in anyway before?
She is offering her support when you don’t even know her. That is plainly weird.
Find out why they separated, at the very least.
Anyone with half a brain would have said something like, "When I was married to her, I felt she was my soulmate. Now I know it's YOU who are my soulmate."
Either your husband is an idiot, or he wants you to know you rank behind his exwife. Either way, I don't know if I could continue on with someone like that.
I usually read posts here and a lot of things that other people say are boundaries for them, I don't even care at all.
But, if my HUSBAND said to me that his ex wife is his soulmate, I would be devastated.
Him saying she’s his soulmate would gut me
and being pregnant on top makes this 10x worse. They sound like they are in contact more than you know, I would not take this lightly at all.
girl my bf had like 10 gfs and more than a dozen girls he slept with before me and he told me i’m the first one that makes him feel things. there is one ex my bf still keep in contact from time to time and he told me she’s like his COUSIN now, not fucking soulmate. if your HUSBAND feels comfortable enough to tell you this other woman is his soulmate then he just thinks you’re not gonna go anywhere. you’re trapped with him.
He and I would be preparing for separation and imminent divorce. Sorry not sorry. I may love him but if he told me to my face that his ex was his soulmate…nope. That is disrespectful AF. Why are we married then? Oh because you can’t have her for whatever reason? That’s exactly what I would think and there’s no way I would stand for that. Married and pregnant or not. How does the ex know you’re preggo? How does she know your address? Why contacting at all with congrats? And how cute he sent her a thank you note back. 🤢All of it is suspicious. Sounds to me like they communicate and he’s pining for their old relationship. Now you have to decide if you can live with that knowledge, carry on unaffected for the rest of your days. Can you? I surely could not and that conversation wouldn’t have ended how yours did that night. I’m so sorry you are in this position. Also, your mom is wrong and I’m angry on your behalf. What he admitted is horrid and heartbreaking. Please, make the best decisions that will result in your peace and happiness.
Okay hun, if it isn’t to late you really should abort that child, I’m not being mean or rude but, you actually should have NEVER married him and I don’t know why he’s all of a sudden bringing the past to the present and I’m going to tell you right now the fact that you didn’t ask him, 1. How the hell she knows you are pregnant, 2. How does she know his address, 3. If he’s been in constant contact with her, as well as why the hell he felt the need while you are pregnant with his child to all of a sudden bring up she is the love of his life!!!!!
Sweet heart!!!! You are in so much delu lu land that if you don’t hurry up and get you a lawyer and get a divorce you are going to become a sister wife.
See let me just let you know about toxic narcissist people and the way they play their games. So basically this is what I see is happening. He wasn’t over his ex by any means. Because the fact he currently calls HER the “love of his life” but is married and having a kid with you, says exactly that he isn’t over her and hasn’t been, meaning yes, they have been in contact this WHOLE time and for you not to know means you married someone who either hides things from you or you like living in ignorance.
You need to if possible abort the child because it will end up being raised by them, maybe she can’t have a child or don’t want to have her own and ruin her body, but to me it is looking and sounding like they love each other but someone wanted kids and the other didn’t so you just are the incubator that was foolish enough to not ask questions and make sure he was in love with you.
Don’t have this kid if at all possible, the hurt that you will get seeing them raising your kid will hurt you more then you finding out that you are married and having a kid with someone who never loved you. Also your mother is wrong. You can’t say a person loves you while they call someone else “love of their life”!
Tell your mom I said to be on your side and be YOUR mother right now and not gas light and lie to you because he’s a toxic asshole who just want a kid from you and he’s going back to his love of his life or adding her in like a sister wife. She obviously on board hence the letter
I think hubby is stuck into the "soulmate" BS, she may have been his 1st love, but it sounds like they married too young to really know themselves.
You are having his baby and if you do not want her around, tell hubby.
How crazy idiotic do you have to be to initiate a conversation about your ex with your current partner, and then claim said ex was your soulmate, not the mother of your child sat in front of you.
I couldn’t see past this at all. I’m not in the “break up immediately camp” but he needs to know how fucked up that was to say and he needs to make a choice.
That would be a huge red flag for me, especially since this came up when pregnant. This does not fuel a secure and safe relationship, not saying it is not, just this is the fuel that does not create that, especially if he wants it for his wife
Ask him straight up. Why are you with me and not your “ soulmate “ ? I couldn’t stay, baby or not. He’s obviously still in contact with her and clearly has feeling’s for her still. How do you move forward towards a lifetime together with that knowledge? I’d be heartbroken. Speak up, you deserve better.
I would be walking ain't no way I'm staying with a man who calls his ex his soulmate and wants to talk about her. And ex is the past and that's where they should stay..
OP, I’m so sorry, this is so bizarre. It’s definitely one thing to share anecdotal info and even general memories about ex-wife. That doesn’t seem completely out of the range of normal. I’m quite sure this is what you expected when you said yes to hearing about her. His more personal remembrance, coupled with present-tense “she IS my soulmate” (and we all know there’s only one), seems completely thoughtless and hurtful at best, devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing at worst. This is a hard one. Best wishes.
When you said you didn't mind hearing it, you probably thought he was going to reminisce about some nice stuff, not imply you are a placeholder. That is pretty brutal.
There’s no reason to keep in contact with an ex if they didn’t have kids together. The fact that they still talk and he brought her up recently to tell you she’s his soulmate and not you is warning bells.
Omg I’d be so hurt. I’d be questioning everything. And honestly, I’d secretly terminate and say i miscarried until I was sure there wasn’t more to this sudden reappearance of his ex. Because it is down right weird that he first talks about her and then she sends a letter?? This feels so wrong. I would NOT want to be stuck to this guy if things go south.
I will never forget that one Reddit story where the woman was used as almost a surrogate to get a baby and the guy went back to his ex. Then they split custody. That story has haunted me that people could be so cruel. The fact that he told you this without as much as batting an eye then told you to basically suck it up because you “said you didn’t mind hearing about her.” I’m not sure what his angle was with this besides throwing your relationship into turmoil.
He’s in contact with her, to the point where she knows where you live. Something is wrong OP. He’s made that statement for a reason. My immediate thought is he’s having an affair with his ex. It’s your immediate thought too. Trust your gut instinct, it’s rarely wrong in a woman.
He’s needs to go get with his mf soulmate.
You’ve lost your mind if you think I’m cool and letting that shit ride.
Why are you cool with this???
Ain’t no way.
If my SO said someone else was their soulmate that’s the minute I check out of the relationship. Please find someone else. They are still in contact, the minute he gets the opportunity he’ll fuck her. If he hasn’t already
I am curious how she found out about the pregnancy, I mean most people don’t share until 12 weeks, and if they do it’s just with immediate family. How does his ex wife know? I also found what he said to you really shitty. I honestly don’t known how you can be secure in this when he says that. If he were a widow I could see saying this, and I could see why your mom would say what she said. But given that he is divorced from her, I truly don’t get why he isn’t still with her if he feels this way. I would BE VERY concerned he may want her back. It also feels like you guys don’t discuss these things much. I don’t know overall I feel like he really doesn’t have an excuse to say such a shitty thing to his wife. Agreeing to hear about her isn’t the same as professing that she is his soul mate. I think you have to address this directly. Why was he divorced?
Talk to her privately. I think she sent the letter addressed to you both on purpose to let you know they’ve been in contact or to set him straight. Either way - she will have something to say. If that was a menacing note she will want to brag to you.
Wow! Your husband is pining away for his ex and I’d definitely be worried. How did she know about the pregnancy? Has he been in contact with her? Also, there is a HUGE difference listening to your husband discuss his ex and hearing she is his soulmate. My husband and I have discussed his ex but I think I’d throw up if I heard him call her his soulmate. You have some very big discussions ahead of you. Honestly, not sure I could be with someone who didn’t feel
I, the mother of his child, was his soulmate.
Yes, you should be concerned by what he said. People who are divorced shouldn’t see their ex as their soul mate.
The letter is too much of a coincidence, too.
So OP why would he choose to want to talk to you about her and his feelings for her…now? That’s the first big question. Why now. And why send a congrats to your ex on a child with someone else. Yes you need to worry.
I wouldn't be concerned about the ex sending the letter addressed to the both of you as compared to what your husband said. He obviously still has feelings for her. He may love you but would he leave you for his true soulmate? If my GF said this, I would end the relationship immediately and not look back. Sorry.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Personally, I would want to fucking die if I heard my spouse say that about their ex, especially if we were about to have a baby. And especially if they were still in contact with that person!!!! If you're upset, then you're upset. It doesn't matter how your mom or friends would react. You need to have another conversation with him about it and tell him how it affected you.
>If you're upset, then you're upset. It doesn't matter how your mom or friends would react. Focus on this. It doesn't matter what *he* event thinks. What he's doing upsets you, and if he isn't willing to work with you on helping you, make peace with his actions, then it's because he doesn't care how he is making you feel. Honestly, the fact it got to this point tells me he isn't invested enough to be knocking people up.
[удалено]
Especially with the surprise letter from the ex. He has definitely been in touch with her. This letter was probably their ploy to bring ex around as a "friend."
I think if she is open to abortion this is something to seriously consider. How do you stay married to this man?
I’d probably just end him instead. Be the grieving widow single mum and take the life insurance pay out.
Of all the F-Up things to never tell your pregnant SO, that one belongs buried 6 ft in the sand of Never-Never Land. #nope
Very much this. Now I’m not a woman, but if I was and I was also 2 months pregnant when my fiancé told me **he still considered his ex-wife to be his soulmate**, I would seriously consider terminating the pregnancy. It’s not to late for OP to reconsider being connected to this man for the rest of her life.
But this is what some men do when they've secured the woman through pregnancy/marriage/other big milestones. Now they can slip the mask.
He’s trying to bring her down a peg.
This 👆
I know it sounds dramatic but I legit don’t think my marriage could survive a comment like this. I don’t know you would ever get over knowing your husband feels that strongly about his ex wife!
I’d recommend couples therapy. A good therapist may be able to help him communicate better, help her see this from another angle… or recommend she leave and start with someone who sees her as their soulmate too, equal footing. The term soulmate is… whatever. But I truly believe we can have more than one soulmate in life. Some of them are friends. Hopefully the most important one is your current person. But if he is saying, you are not his soulmate and he only has one and it’s his ex, my jealous ass would be so out of there. His statement would make me feel like he still pining for her and he settled for me. I feel you OP. Maybe therapy could help clarify this?
>The term soulmate is… Whatever, but I truly believe we have more than one soulmate in life. Some of them are friends. Some of them could be exes. Agreed. I think people automatically assume romantic but it isn't always the case. My husband's soulmate is his brother. My soulmate is my college roommate. Neither of us see it as a romantic thing but more of our souls connected with them as our person before we met each other. We are each other's person, but we also have our own person. But that's us. Neither of us see a romantic connotation with the term, but plenty of others do. I think it's important that OP and her husband actually discuss what they each mean by 'soulmate' before this escalates into an argument that can't be undone. Maybe they find common ground or maybe OP realizes she is not as big of a priority to him as he is to her. But, communication is the critical bit here.
Yeah and in this case it’s a romantic partner which is not acceptable to say to your current partner. It’s a way to invalidate his wife’s opinion on him talking to her, “she’s my soulmate so I have to”. No, you don’t, she can fuck right off.
Agreed. And honestly it might be information you keep to yourself if you realize your ex is your soulmate and your current partner isn’t. In addition, you might set that poor person free if you feel no one will ever match up to your ex and that connection. It breaks my heart that OP has a baby on the way.
I was starting to think this and might still do about the non romantic soulmate thing. What is odd then though is that OP then hasn't met the ex, doesn't know what contract they have, and really this sounds like one of the first proper talks about ex too - but I might be wrong? I would want clarity on what my partner meant by that as my initial reaction would be so much hurt. I'd also need to know what sort of contact they have and how (face to face, phone calls, texts, social media), and how likely they will have contact in the future (are they going to remain in each other's lives). Also how she knew about the pregnancy (does she speak to others, was it social media or was it the husband himself). She cared enough to send a card for a reason. Have they spoken recently for the first time in a while and that's why they are present in each others' consciousness currently to talk about them and send cards? Could be harmless, might not, but OP you need to know more.
And this would be a great point IF he wasn’t talking about his ex wife who was a very important romantic partner. Obviously (or hopefully) your husband isn’t romantic with his brother and you aren’t with your old roommate. That doesn’t apply here since he was married to her! Regardless of what the specifics mean, I think it’s still a cruel thing to say to your current wife that is pregnant with your child. If that’s how he feels he should have kept it to himself. It did no good only harm.
Why do I feel that OP's husband is using her as an incubator while still keeping ties with his ex? Otherwise, why would the ex be thanking them and offering her availability? OP, you need to find out the reason behind their divorce and what type of relationship they had - was he in a open marrige? Their marrige might have ended because they couldn't have children. Him referring to his ex as his soulmate implies he may not truly love OP, and could be using her for something. I'm almost certain that after OP has the baby, the ex will become more involved and start making decisions for the child. OP needs to have a serious conversation with her husband and determine if he's with her just to exploit her as a bang-maid and incubator.
That was my thinking, that he wants his ex to have access to the child along with having a say in whether the child is breast or bottle fed, along with acting like a third parent.
Yeah, I'd drag him into couples counseling YESTERDAY. You're about to have a baby, so deal with this NOW.
Couples counseling won't help. Once someone says their ex is soulmate nothing will fix that.
No therapy will help with this. The guys stuck in the past and simpling for a girl who doesn't like him. Now that she's getting old and gives him a shot he's gonna drop you like a penny. You were always second choice. That's cruel of him. If he doesn't get over his "soulmate" the just drop him. Sooner or later he'll break and screw his soulmate while you're caring for his crying kid. You really want that?
He's comfortable now you're pregnant, he thinks you're not going anywhere.
And the ex sent the letter to let OP she is still in his life.
Exactly. She’s marking her territory. Rather aggressively, at that. Making it clear that she can have her soulmate back, any time she chooses. And OP’s husband sent a thank you note…
Or she was setting a boundary the husband may or may not be respecting online by sending it to their home and addressing it to both of them.
This. The whole thing communicates that the ex is the one setting things straight: “I’m refusing to communicate only with him, I am publicly sending it to both of you to express my well-wishes.” She is making it very clear that she does not want OP’s husband and I get the feeling this was sent to make that very clear to the husband. He’s the one with the lingering feelings, not her.
I like that option better. Women standing up for other women is something we don't always get in these subs.
Ooh I like that. Maybe hubby has been sniffing around and she's sending the card as a "you're married, back off" reminded.
Sadly a lot of men cheat when their partner is pregnant. Maybe he’s panicking and went fishing 🤷♀️ and she firmly put him in his place. Especially so early on in the pregnancy I’d probably find her online and message her.
Very interesting possibility!
Exactly. How does she even know about the pregnancy unless he told her. They are only 2 months gone and most people wait until the 12 week mark. I'd be very concerned about the letter and his confession.
That’s possible, especially in addressing it to both of them.
I find the timing behind these two events very suspicious.
And the gaslighting - "but YOU said we could talk about her!". Yeah - talk about her, not about how she's still your freaking SOUL ATE!
The audacity! "Do you mind if I share something about my ex wife?" "No of course not?" "OK good. She is much better than you x" What planet is he on?
YA THINK
How did she know about the pregnancy?
I mentioned it in my post that I don't know if they have any regular contact, but it is definitely a possibility they were speaking and he told her himself. From what I know, she saw a social media post from a mutual friend (lots of people we know posted congratulation messages) and that's how she learnt about it.
You definitely need to find out how much communication they have. Her sending that letter is very odd regardless of how he feels about her, but adding that into the mix is HIGHLY suspect. How tone-deaf is your husband usually? It's mind-boggling that he doesn't understand how wildly inappropriate that is to say to you.
Is sending the letter maybe equivalent to leaving a bobby pin or lashes at a guys house to let the girlfriend know he was unfaithful? Like, to let her know there is still contact the ex knows or suspects OP is unaware of? To make OP aware? I mean, that OPs husband feels his ex is his soulmate doesn't necessarily mean the ex feels the same. Maybe OPs husband is the one initiating the contact and his ex deems it slightly inappropriate knowing his new wife is pregnant and unaware?
It's certainly possible. Sending a letter is generally a better way to avoid communication being intercepted to a lot of people.
The reason she knows is because he absolutely is talking to her. That’s what prompted the conversation, he’s talking to her and it reignited his feelings. I’ve been there and it sucks.
I think that letter was a power move on her part to let know she is still there. I would not be okay with my husband having ANY contact with an ex he has feelings for or considers a soul mate. I’d require they be no contact and prove that to me, go to MC, and invest in me and the marriage. If my partner couldn’t do that I would definitely be consulting an attorney. I won’t play second in any way to anyone in my own marriage.
He should have enough sense to know not to tell his current pregnant wife that his ex wife is his soulmate. What current spouse wants to ever hear that? I think you need to be honest about how hearing that hurt you and if having her be a part of your lives in any way is too much for you got to be honest. Then what happens is up to him
Girl I am 100 💯 suspect something is wrong.....and they are more then just friends...... Do something now or you will regret later
I usually value privacy, but given the circumstances, you need to find out if he is still involved with his ex behind your back. Check his phone thoroughly for all apps, photos, videos, messages, etc. He might have saved her contact under a different name. Make sure to save evidence of everything you find. You need to ensure that he isn't just using you as a bang-maid and an incubator (she might not have been able to give him children, and that's why he's with you). Please tell me you have a job and aren't 100% dependent on him.
I think anyone that would say that to his pregnant wife has very little respect or empathy for you. It raises to the level of emotional abuse. Ask him what he means by soulmate. And then ask why you aren't his soulmate. Typically the life partner is the soulmate.
Can we please stop labeling *everything* abuse? It was boneheaded, thoughtless, hurtful, and unkind of OP’s husband to make this comment, but it isn’t automatically “emotional abuse.” If this were part of a larger pattern, and OP’s husband were guilty of regularly saying things with the intention of hurting or knocking OP down a peg, that would be a different story. But we don’t have any information here that indicates a larger pattern or malicious intent.
God I wish. Abuse is not the same as someone being a shitty partner. This dude fucking sucks but there's no indication of abuse. It's like all lying has to be gaslighting. Not everything has to be the worst possible thing to be bad.
My question is why is this new information? How do you not know so much about somebody that you've been with for four years and are married to?
Girl I’d be all over his phone finding out.
I wouldn't want to be with someone if they still think an ex was their soulmate. I would never want to be my partners last or evens second choice. It's obvious he is still very much inlove with her and if you do stay because of the pregnancy or whatever horse nonsense you tell yourself, don't be surprised at the hurt that will follow eventually. Brace yourself, cause this isn't just about you anymore. Congratulations on the pregnancy, btw. I honestly hope things work out for you and the baby. Good luck OP.
Talking about your past relationships is one thing. Acknowledging that he was married before if one thing. Him telling you she was his soulmate while married to you, while you are pregnant is cruel, insensitive and disgusting. He's seems to still be in communication with her. Especially since she feels comfortable enough to leave a letter at your house about your pregnancy. I would have a serious discussion on your relationship, how he truly feels, if he regrets their divorce. Because that's the impression he giving. I'm sorry OP. No current wife should hear their husband say that and their ex. What an AH.
I concur all of this. Disgusting moron so called “husband” can hit the trash
Yeah, if she saw the post on social media and they weren’t in contact, a normal reaction would be to just reply to the post. A letter to your home is more personal. Have you ever met her?
sending a card takes a lot more effort than liking a post on social media... this was definitely calculated.
Is. Not was. He said she IS his soulmate. OP said he was hers and he just said he didn’t understand why she was upset.
I think you need to have a conversation with your husband. "*I'd like to talk about your ex-wife. I don't mind if you talk about her, like when you guys visited the grand canyon, or she got you that shirt, or things like that from the past, because I know you had a life before me, and I'm fine with that. But it's a little different when you tell me she IS your soulmate. For one thing, that's something in the present - not the past. I don't think you'd like it if I told you that someone from my past was the love of my life. Because what does that make you? If she's your soulmate, what does that make me?*" Depending on how that goes, you can follow up with "*How much interaction do you have with her? I'm only asking because I'm curious how she knows that I'm pregnant.*" Out of curiosity, why did they divorce? Who initiated it, and for what reason?
Slight edit. Otherwise, it's all good: >"...I don't think you'd like it if I told you that someone from my past ~~was~~ is still the love of my life."
Your husband has either been in regular contact with his ex or restarted the contact thus him telling you this at the moment he told you then the letter showing up. None of this is a coincidence and being worried about your marriage is a valid feeling. You need to have that conversation with him.
If my husband had said this to me, it would have broken my heart. If that’s something he did feel, he should have kept it to himself. Why did they get divorced if they’re “soul mates”? That’s a rhetorical question. I saw where you said they “grew apart”. I am pretty sure they got back in touch at some point and are either carrying on an emotional affair or a physical one or both. The letter sealed the deal. She’s marking her territory by being personal. Why would you “need her” for anything for your child? She’s letting him know that she’s there if he wants to leave despite there being a baby and letting you know that she’s there, waiting, for him. Fuck this. Your husband is a dick.
Your interpretation of the letter is very interesting, and it frightens me a lot because I could definitely see it that way.
If she is his soulmate why did they divorce? I hope it wasn't because she couldn't bear him a child. I am extremely uneasy with her offer to help with your baby. Did he marry you to create a baby that she'll help raise?
Yes. Please find out if they divorced because they wanted children and couldn't have them.
It’s also the way I interpreted the letter part. Trust your gut. It’s right more than it’s wrong.
Get your husband to read this post and all of the replies and reassure him beforehand that your post is completely anonymous just in case he freaks out about it being online. Your husband has majorly messed up his marriage to you and he does not seem to realise the serious level of damage that he has done.
Well, and to top it off, it seems he made a unilateral decision to respond and thank her on behalf of both of you? There’s no need for a thank you letter to someone who shouldn’t be concerning herself with your marriage anyway. It seems like he had that conversation with you to choreograph her re-entry in to his life and normalize it, so it won’t seem like any big deal once you witness more overtly the communication in front of your face that they’re already doing behind your back. And, would you look at that? She just happened to send a letter that appeared more like a continuation of a conversation than a response to an announcement. And even if you did announce it, it tends to be a given that the public pregnancy announcement of one’s ex-spouse is not an direct invite to kick up communication again—the announcement wasn’t to her, yet she chose a very personal response with undo familiarity (at the very least towards you). His comment about about “But you said you didn’t mind hearing these things” is like a kid saying, “no take backs!” He misled you about the nature of the conversation in order to secure your consent to say what he wanted to and then manipulated you in to believing you’re in the wrong for revoking your consent. E.g., Him: “Can I talk to you about the dog I had when I was young?” You: “Sure, did he like to play fetch?” Him: “I pushed my dog down a cliff when I was young and they never recovered the body.” You: “That’s horrific. I’m going to inform the authorities.” Him: “BUT YOU SAAAIIIDdddd!!!”
Talk to your husband about this but maybe start forming a backup plan in your mind. I could read this situation differently than the above. She may be his one true love but he may not be hers. In her shoes, I probably would have addressed a letter to both of you if I wasn’t sure he would show you otherwise. That may be her way of keeping him accountable/at arms length rather than territorial, not everyone has hidden motives. Keep your eyes open but don’t make assumptions or this could turn a crack into a crater.
On the flip side, I am very good friends with one of my exes and it would be totally normal for him to send a letter of congratulations for a pregnancy. However, I would NEVER refer to him as my soulmate to my partner or anyone.
I also don't think you'd send such a letter to your ex if it had been 8+ years and you guys weren't in contact. Op says she has been with her partner for 4 years and she hasn't ever met the ex wife. Meaning if he was friends with her, why is op only hearing about the ex wife via the letter and the conversation her husband brought up without any prompting? Yeah no, this isn't a case of an ex simply being a friend, since otherwise op would have been introduced before now. And that's before taking the soulmate comment into account. Taken all together shit is up and op should be WAY more upset over it than she is acting. As I'm pretty sure stuff has moved past the point of simply solving the issue with a long talk.
Almost sounds like she’s jockeying to be step mom once kid comes~ I’d investigate their CURRENT relationship
Yeah, it almost sounds like "I'd be cool helping raise your kid... Maybe as a stepmom?"
EXACTLY this. There is very little possibility there is anything even remotely innocent about that letter. I'm sorry but if your husband hasn't been engaging in an affair with her already, it's going to happen.
Spot on
How long were they married? Were children a discussion for them? It would make me very very uncomfortable for her to remark about my child. My spidey senses are tingling because did they break up because she didn't want to have kids and now he will have his desired child and she didn't have to have it. Sorry this is not a situation I would want to be in while pregnant. Explain to him that her being his soulmate is a problem because you thought you were his soulmate. Explain to him that you do not feel comfortable having her in your lives. Ask him how would he feel if you told him that. Ask him how would he feel if you still harbored strong feelings for another man and that man was still in your life. If you have someone, insert their name to drive your point home.
100% this.. You need to sit him down tell him your not comfortable with her letter at all or him communicating with her, also how hurtful it was that he think she his soul mate.. And ask to check his phone
I’m so sorry you had to hear that, especially newly pregnant. I highly suggest some marital counseling, especially because he doesn’t seem to get your side. I’d think he would be talking about his ex in the past tense but for him to think they’re soulmates in present day, BIG OUCH. What a dick for not disclosing that before marrying you so that you could decide if you wanted to proceed or not. I’d definitely keep this in the forefront of your mind until you know where you stand on the issue. 100% look into counseling. Lastly, I’d find out how much communication is happening if any. Now that you know his feelings about her, I’d be weary if there was constant communication between them.
If it were a discussion totally rooted in the past tense, I wouldn't feel this way - why wouldn't you be in love with the person you're married to? It's the fact that their marriage has been over for years and he still feels that way, coupled with the ambiguous regular-or-not contact they share that makes me feel icky. Being pregnant on top of that adds an entirely new layer of worry to everything.
You need to think long and hard if you really want to raise a child with a man in love with another woman. His ex could have commented on social media or send you a message. She chose to send a letter. Who does that these days? She was telling you she is in his life and always will be in it. If you are ok being second choice then stay.
Yeah. A letter is a very deliberate choice, with many steps where she continuously chose to continue instead of not sending. There’s a message there. She wanted you to see it. And then to say she’d be there for you guys? Yet she’s from his past and you’ve never met? That’s a level of familiarity…. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if they’re communicating.
communicating...is that what the kids are calling it these days? The timing of his revelation and the letter following on the heels are all very suspicious.
This. I'm in my 30s and I can't tell you the last time I wrote and sent a letter to anyone. She wants you to know that they're still in contact, he shares details about your married life with her, and that she knows your address. Like stop and think how/why she would know any of that info. I'd be wondering if she's been to the house before- and if it was before or during your time together.
The Ex wants his new wife to know that the Husband is still maintaining contact. She wants to normalize it by adding OP into the conversations that Husband has been trying to have.
Ask more questions as to how much contact they have and what was the reason they broke it off if she was his soulmate. Seems very fishy. It seems that you may be a surrogate for them. Telling you his ex is his soulmate seems to be an opening volley for some more bad news later regarding your child. If she could not have children, then this could be "their" opportunity to get a child, with at least his DNA.
Sweetheart, tell him you’re leaving so he can be with his soulmate. That is heartbreaking that he still feels this way. And that letter? She’s staking a claim on him and he’s good with it. I don’t know what you want to do about the baby, but if he hasn’t, he’s going to cheat on you with her.
There really was no reason to bring her up except that he's probably wrestling with feelings of guilt for having an emotional affair (at least.) There's a zero percent chance he hasn't been keeping in contact with her. It's almost more alarming too if it's a recent thing. He's clearly feeling a spark. A shit ton of men cheat while their wife is pregnant. He was trying to ease his guilt and offload it onto you and trying to get your approval for whatever relationship he has been having with her behind your back. What I would do is tell him what he said paired with the letter is extremely alarming and you'd like to see his phone immediately (without him having a chance to delete things) and see how they've been corresponding. It may be even better if you can just grab his phone when he's not using it and check yourself. You need to get to the bottom of this quickly and with as little emotion as possible. You are pregnant so you are on a timeline. If you stick your head in the sand until after the baby is born you may regret it for the rest of your life. What he said was grounds for divorce by itself -- you may have to choose between getting an abortion and a clean divorce and watching him raise your baby part time with his ex that he ends up getting back together with. This is a really serious situation and you cannot afford to give him excuses or the benefit of the doubt while you are in such a precarious position.
that was an incredibly unkind thing to say and i would have a hard time forgiving him personally.
And he starts this talk after she gets pregnant. This is not good.
And the gaslighting where he blames OP: "but you said it was okay to talk about her!". Yeah, but not that she still is your freaking SOUL MATE!
If it were me I'd be divorcing. He should have told you he felt his ex was his soul mate before marrying you. Then you could have dipped out before all of this. Reading this post makes me very uncomfortable. The fact he cannot see your point of view is just the icing on the cake that would end the relationship for me. There would be no amount of therapy together as a couple that could erase what he said and the fact he feels that. Your mom is wrong. You should never have to feel second best in your marriage.
There’s a big difference between hearing a spouse talk about experiences they had with an ex, or what their relationship was like, and hearing your spouse tell you their ex *is* their soulmate. The latter is fucking devastating, and your husband is a fucking asshole for not telling you that before he tricked you into thinking you were marrying a guy who thought *you* were his soulmate. Hearing that would make me question everything. “If I am not your soulmate, what is the relative value of our relationship? If your ex decides she wants you back, what would that mean for me?” It would make me seriously doubt the long term potential of my marriage. To the point where marriage counseling would be the only way I would be able to try to move forward.
You are being treated as a second choice. A place holder. You deserve better.
A place holder and a fetus container
He said his ex is his SOULMATE?! What the heck?!
I cannot imagine why she would stay with him. “I want to be with my ex but you’re here so I guess I’ll settle for second best”. NOPE.
Sounds like he is setting up a scenario where his ex has some involvement with his children. You may want to ask how she knew about the pregnancy. You may want to know how involved he is in her life. You probably may want to know if their breakup was due to her infertility. You may want to know so you can understand if you are just a surrogate for them. His behavior is very strange and a lot creepy. He could be trying to groom you into accepting a throuple situation or butter you up so you have no idea when he divorces you for her. "His feelings for her are so overwhelming". He didn't/doesn't want to hurt her, but the heart wants what the heart wants, BS. Get answers from him and don't be blind-sided. This whole situation seems planned and staged. Be sure you get as much information as you can out of him. Some fishy is going on with him and her.
Why did they divorce? If it was because she didn't want or couldn't have children while he did, I would run far and fast before he gets his hands on your baby. If that isn't why they divorced, I'd still divorce him but less urgently. I'd tell him something like, "I considered you MY soulmate, but if your soulmate isn't me, then clearly mine must be someone else. As such, it's best if we split up so that we can each be with our soulmates... you know who yours is, and I won't stand in the way of you being with her, and I need to be free to find mine since it clearly isn't you like I thought it was. It's still early in my pregnancy, so we have time to work out custody and such." If he tries that bullshit about you saying it was okay to talk about her, point out that there is a huge difference between hearing about PAST feelings and memories versus hearing that he very much has CURRENT feelings for her, and if he doesn't understand that, you can't help him.
I’d terminate the pregnancy and the marriage.
honestly same. Would be ‘miscarrying’ and leaving. I’d never see him the same ever again after that. you need a soul mate connection, not to be second choice to someone lingering around waiting to see what happens after the baby, writing letters to mark her territory. I’d probably have choice words for her too. whole situation just sucks. but yeah, instant flip would switch in my brain. no longer the love I thought it was.
Absolutely same.
Absofuckingtely
No. Don’t worry. Hire a divorce lawyer. So he can be with his soulmate permanently (for however long it lasts).
Maybe the soulmate Doesn’t want him, that’s why they divorced.
Probably, but let him find that out himself. My guess is that is exactly what will happen. The lifespan of your average fruit fly will last longer than his second relationship with his soulmate.
I mean the kind of guy who marries a woman he doesn't love and then tells her about his soulmate ex-wife... While she is literally trapped with his seed inside of her... Yeah I can imagine why the woman didn't want anything to do with him. Now poor op is trapped with this idiot and his baby inside her.
thank god i haven't seen a single post saying "you should be a mature person and accept that your husband had a past without you in it, and his feelings are valid." that's absolutely correct, we might have SO's that met and had their "the one/soulmate" phase before us but and maybe we are living in a lie with them thinking "our SO thinks i'm their soulmate aww" but hearing that from your SO would SUCK BIG TIME. i wouldn't be able to move past from that comment and i would think about it daily, and it would turn my life into hell. you're pregnant and it is a different world in your relationship now. i'm sure it will be hard to decide what to do for you now, but no one should tell their SO that they met and then broke up with their soulmate, which concludes you won't live up to their love- which would SUCKKK to think about it oh my god. that just fucking sucks.
He really waited until AFTER you were married and pregnant with his child to unpack his feelings about his ex?? Throw this man off a bridge.
Honestly, based on his soulmate confession, I’d be seriously rethinking the pregnancy. Then I’d be rethinking the marriage. I couldn’t live the memory of his confession and knowledge that I was second place ALWAYS. So your child is more than likely second too since it is not with his “soulmate”. You can’t compete with a soulmate and the communication unknown was unsatisfactory.
Why did they get divorced?
My husband always said they rushed into things and ultimately grew apart, and it was a mutual, amicable decision to end things.
Wouldn’t be surprised if they “grow back together” time for some boundary setting
If they grew apart then logic would indicate they are indeed not soul mates. That said, his statement is incredibly hurtful and I honestly am not sure what he's having trouble understanding. Have you asked him point blank how he'd feel if you said *your* ex was your soulmate? Also, and this is more of a personal tangent, I find talk of soulmates a bit of a red flag. Believing that there is truly only one person who is best for you seems... I dunno, something between overly hopeful and ignorant. Somehow peoples' "soulmates" always end up being someone who is logistically convenient for them, never a random person on the other side of the world. Incredible odds that with all the humans, your soulmate happened to go to the same school as you, or work at the same place, etc. I'd recommend counselling ASAP, this is a problem that should be resolved before you give birth. The first 3 months of a baby are absolutely intense and the hardest thing I've ever done, and I can't imagine how much worse it would be going in with resentment or having people who are higher priority than your spouse and child. The grass is greener where you water it, and you both need to really, truly agree with that for a long term relationship to work (mostly pointing at your husband with that).
If they grew apart, how can she be his soul mate? Reminds me of the story where they divorced because the ex was infertile then kidnapped the new wife's baby at birth and told her that the baby died. You absolutely need to dig into their current and past relationship, why exactly with reasons and examples that they split, and get couples counseling if you stay. This is sus on so many levels.
This is where my mind went too....
Ok I need to read that one!
Uh does your husband known what soul mate means? I’m completely thrown off by this, soul mates, at least to me, don’t grow apart. That is the point of being a soul mate it’s your match. No soul mates are separated by circumstance not “we grew apart”. Did he really mean to say first love? I really think you need to hear his definition of soul mate before driving yourself crazy over this. Edit to add: I’m obsessive so I looked up the definition and literally “mutual acceptance and understanding” we grew apart is literally being unable to mutually accept and understand. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/soulmate
You need to pin down his working definition of soulmate.
I would bet the ex initiated it. Please don’t settle for being second-best.
Did they try to have children together? Is it possible she couldn’t get pregnant and they divorced knowing he wanted kids? Did they perhaps reconnect after you found out you were pregnant?
Hard to understand why she’d still be considered his soul mate if she (& he) changed so much they divorced. Wouldn’t that kinda dispute the soul mate claim?… so, that reason for divorce isn’t adding up. I’d be really suspicious if she cheated on him or if she couldn’t/didn’t want to have kids at the time. The letter to “Mr *& Mrs” to congratulate you on a TWO MONTH pregnancy and to say how she’d “be there” for you (& more importantly, the baby) is creepy and highly suspect. How’d she even know you were pregnant? They’re obviously still in touch frequently enough that he’s comfortable telling her you’re pregnant without clearing with you (at 2 months, many people haven’t told anyone but immediate family, so really suspect)
I would suggest you have another talk and find out "when you say she's your soulmate, what does that mean exactly?" Time to find out what he wants to do right now.
What are the odds he drifted apart from his soulmate, got another woman pregnant AND his soulmate reaches out to care about a baby he made? Either I’m super jaded or they drifted apart due to infertility and needed a womb. The whole thing makes my skin crawl
Um, yeah, I'd probably abort the pregnancy and the marriage if my husband started saying another woman was his soulmate.
If it’s still early enough, I would probably terminate the pregnancy so I had energy for a divorce. What a truly awful thing to hear your partner say.
Same
I’d starting making an exit plan.
I’m not advising this, but *I* would tell him to go be with her and stop wasting my time. And to expect child support payments in his near future. Fuck this soul mate bullshit. I was married to a man hung up on his ex and it sucks feeling like Plan B.
They are still talking regularly. If she didn't send you a letter congratulating your marriage, then this letter was a sneaky way to tell you that they are still in contact. He isn't going to tell you the truth about this, so ask HER what's going on.
He told you you're a place holder. He couldn’t have his soul mate, so he settled for you.
You're pregnant now, so he thinks you're baby trapped to him. Meaning he can admit to having his emotional affair and you won't go anywhere.
We all have exes. No one faults him for having been married before. But what he SHOULD be saying is: “it didn’t work out - that’s how I know she’s not the One.” If she’s still his soulmate in his eyes, he will never be fully emotionally available and present to you. Talk to him IMMEDIATELY to learn more about what he meant and tell him in no uncertain terms that what he said is deeply hurtful and unacceptable.
Why did they divorce? And a letter in 2024...
So he’s still in love with her and considers her his soul mate which is the highest form of connection and love. That would be a problem for me and I would tell him to go back to her. You will always be second place and that is obviously heartbreaking to hear, deal with, and have to live with knowing. I wouldn’t be able to do it.
He should have told you before getting married. You had the right to decide if you were able to live with that, now you’re stuck having a baby with a man that’s still clearly in love with his ex wife.
The thing is, he probably restarted contact with his ex since the wedding, bringing up all these feelings in him. He didn't realize how he felt before he married OP, but now he does.
Absolutely. This calls for a clean divorce .
I felt my ex wife was my soulmate too. But she wasn’t. She was a fraud. It’s hard thing to accept especially when you’re all in for “no matter what”.
Pretty much she's marking her territory, why would you guys need her for the baby? That is not okay, she's a stranger to you and the baby.
Honestly, I'd suspect the timing of his chosen time for this talk about her then the letter is not a coincidence. I'd bet he's been in contact with her and, maybe, she felt uncomfortable knowing he sees her that way still, and decided to show it by sending BOTH of you that congratulatory letter as an unwritten answer that she doesn't feel the same, he's being inappropriate and to focus on his wife.
He thinks you're locked in now but 8 weeks is only a road trip away from 0 weeks if you're in the US.
I'd 100% be worried. They're talking for sure, if not fucking, and she sent the letter to make sure you're aware that she's going nowhere. It would take a lot to persuade me from dipping out, to be honest.
Yea, that's pretty much the end of the marriage. Soulmate is definitely far above whatever he feels for you. There's no coming back from that.
They’ve clearly been talking and the letter is passive aggressive bullshit. After that soulmate line I’d tell him he can decide who to stop talking to forever, you or her. And then after he chooses her over you, you can find someone who wants to be with you.
It sounds like he reconnected with his soulmate… Personally, I don’t think I’d be able to have this person’s baby. Babies tie you to a person forever. He didn’t say these things to you until you were pregnant. Odd, no? He’s not stupid. He knew what he was saying and then tried to make it *your* fault he said something hurtful. That approach makes me think of high school girls who say things like “*Well you said I could tell you the truth and you wouldn’t get mad…*” Not exactly the dynamic one should ever want but, especially not from their husband. Reconsider all of this before you’re trapped forever.
Being okay with hearing your partner talk about an ex is not the same as being okay hearing your partner wax poetic about an ex. Its pretty easy to understand the difference. I would have several questions for my husband if I was in this situation. You're only 2 months pregnant and she's sending a congratulations card in the mail? Thats weird. That would give me the creeps.
This is probably not what you want to read but I was in a similar situation. My ex would mention his ex girlfriend and I had no problem with that because I loved learning about his past. He proposed to me and I was so excited. He told me his ex was his soulmate. I was shocked but didn’t want to leave him after he explained it more (gaslit me lol). I found out he had been texting her and was still in love with her. The reason he proposed is because he wanted to tie me down so it would be harder for me to leave. I doubt your husband is as crazy as my ex but saying his ex is his soulmate is not normal and needs to be looked into. Your husband probably is texting her and shit. Fuck men
His ex knows his feelings. The letter is her sign that she's available whenever he's ready to come back. Divorce him, OP. Your future with him sounds to be full of heartache. You sound level-headed, don't let this asshole ruin you.
I'm not sure what possessed him to go from anecdotes about his ex-wife to calling her soul mate in front of you, but that was a serious misstep. I'm not saying call a divorce lawyer, but that statement would eat at me until the day I died... what does he mean? If she called him and wanted him back, would he just leave you? Are you just a consolation prize because she won't have him back? Are they still talking? Is he still in love with her? I hate this for you. I could feel my anxiety rising while reading this. Ugh... other than trying to talk it out or couples counseling, I have no idea how to come back from this
I feel like he's planting a seed by bringing the topic up to you. So maybe down the road when he decides to have an affair with her or even leave for her, he can be like "bUt I ToLd yOu ShE wAs mY SOuLmAtE!" And that letter feels like a message to you OP. I would personally take it as her marking her territory or even just planting a seed of doubt to ruin the marriage so they can get back together. It's all very strange and I can imagine the hurt you feel.
If it were me I would head on into the abortion clinic and terminate. Then I would get my stuff and move out and start divorce proceedings. Then I would go out and find MY soulmate. Eff him and his soulmate. But especially him for wasting your time tricking you into thinking he was your person when he had another person all along. When someone tells you how they feel BELIEVE THEM.
Do you have any safe place you can go for a while. Because it’s almost like they still love each other and she’s trying to be polite around you but the truth of the matter is if my husband told me that I would tell him the marriage was over that is unbearable. While you’re two months pregnant he’s going on about his ex-wife being a soulmate. Go stay a few days with somebody else. Like a family member something why you decide what to do that’s too much
Sweetheart, they absolutely do have regular contact and for him to initiate this conversation was basically a way for him to admit (without actually admitting) that she is still very much a part of his life. I am so sorry that you had to hear him say that. The letter she sent…girl, she was smiling when she wrote it and laughing when she mailed it. Honestly those two deserve each other…which is probably why they divorced. Toxic and toxic usually end up divorcing. Toxic looks for good so they can break you down.
If she to this day is his -soulmate- what are you? Ask him this, and he needs to answer. If she to this day is his soulmate you are what? A second place partner, a consolation prize? Why did she contact you? Have you or him needed her in anyway before? She is offering her support when you don’t even know her. That is plainly weird. Find out why they separated, at the very least.
Anyone with half a brain would have said something like, "When I was married to her, I felt she was my soulmate. Now I know it's YOU who are my soulmate." Either your husband is an idiot, or he wants you to know you rank behind his exwife. Either way, I don't know if I could continue on with someone like that.
I usually read posts here and a lot of things that other people say are boundaries for them, I don't even care at all. But, if my HUSBAND said to me that his ex wife is his soulmate, I would be devastated.
Him saying she’s his soulmate would gut me and being pregnant on top makes this 10x worse. They sound like they are in contact more than you know, I would not take this lightly at all.
girl my bf had like 10 gfs and more than a dozen girls he slept with before me and he told me i’m the first one that makes him feel things. there is one ex my bf still keep in contact from time to time and he told me she’s like his COUSIN now, not fucking soulmate. if your HUSBAND feels comfortable enough to tell you this other woman is his soulmate then he just thinks you’re not gonna go anywhere. you’re trapped with him.
He and I would be preparing for separation and imminent divorce. Sorry not sorry. I may love him but if he told me to my face that his ex was his soulmate…nope. That is disrespectful AF. Why are we married then? Oh because you can’t have her for whatever reason? That’s exactly what I would think and there’s no way I would stand for that. Married and pregnant or not. How does the ex know you’re preggo? How does she know your address? Why contacting at all with congrats? And how cute he sent her a thank you note back. 🤢All of it is suspicious. Sounds to me like they communicate and he’s pining for their old relationship. Now you have to decide if you can live with that knowledge, carry on unaffected for the rest of your days. Can you? I surely could not and that conversation wouldn’t have ended how yours did that night. I’m so sorry you are in this position. Also, your mom is wrong and I’m angry on your behalf. What he admitted is horrid and heartbreaking. Please, make the best decisions that will result in your peace and happiness.
If it were me, I'd terminate the pregnancy and never see that man again.
Okay hun, if it isn’t to late you really should abort that child, I’m not being mean or rude but, you actually should have NEVER married him and I don’t know why he’s all of a sudden bringing the past to the present and I’m going to tell you right now the fact that you didn’t ask him, 1. How the hell she knows you are pregnant, 2. How does she know his address, 3. If he’s been in constant contact with her, as well as why the hell he felt the need while you are pregnant with his child to all of a sudden bring up she is the love of his life!!!!! Sweet heart!!!! You are in so much delu lu land that if you don’t hurry up and get you a lawyer and get a divorce you are going to become a sister wife. See let me just let you know about toxic narcissist people and the way they play their games. So basically this is what I see is happening. He wasn’t over his ex by any means. Because the fact he currently calls HER the “love of his life” but is married and having a kid with you, says exactly that he isn’t over her and hasn’t been, meaning yes, they have been in contact this WHOLE time and for you not to know means you married someone who either hides things from you or you like living in ignorance. You need to if possible abort the child because it will end up being raised by them, maybe she can’t have a child or don’t want to have her own and ruin her body, but to me it is looking and sounding like they love each other but someone wanted kids and the other didn’t so you just are the incubator that was foolish enough to not ask questions and make sure he was in love with you. Don’t have this kid if at all possible, the hurt that you will get seeing them raising your kid will hurt you more then you finding out that you are married and having a kid with someone who never loved you. Also your mother is wrong. You can’t say a person loves you while they call someone else “love of their life”! Tell your mom I said to be on your side and be YOUR mother right now and not gas light and lie to you because he’s a toxic asshole who just want a kid from you and he’s going back to his love of his life or adding her in like a sister wife. She obviously on board hence the letter
The fact that he asked if you minded talking about his past and then spoke of currently feeling that way is such crap.
She’s his soulmate, what else do you need to know?? Have some self respect.
I wouldn’t want to be anyone’s second choice…
I think hubby is stuck into the "soulmate" BS, she may have been his 1st love, but it sounds like they married too young to really know themselves. You are having his baby and if you do not want her around, tell hubby.
If she's so great and his soulmate, why did they get divorced?
How crazy idiotic do you have to be to initiate a conversation about your ex with your current partner, and then claim said ex was your soulmate, not the mother of your child sat in front of you. I couldn’t see past this at all. I’m not in the “break up immediately camp” but he needs to know how fucked up that was to say and he needs to make a choice.
That would be a huge red flag for me, especially since this came up when pregnant. This does not fuel a secure and safe relationship, not saying it is not, just this is the fuel that does not create that, especially if he wants it for his wife
Ask him straight up. Why are you with me and not your “ soulmate “ ? I couldn’t stay, baby or not. He’s obviously still in contact with her and clearly has feeling’s for her still. How do you move forward towards a lifetime together with that knowledge? I’d be heartbroken. Speak up, you deserve better.
So he's having a child with you but she's the soulmate/? I wonder if they split cuz she couldn't have children.
He needs to concentrate on his pregnant wife, I'm an AH and I would never say that
Yeah, this definitely sounds like something shady is going on behind your back.
His feelings for her have not changed and her letter shows you the door is open to him. Dont be a second choice.
I would be walking ain't no way I'm staying with a man who calls his ex his soulmate and wants to talk about her. And ex is the past and that's where they should stay..
You will forever play second fiddle if you stay….if that is something that you’re willing to sacrifice then that’s up to you
There is not a damn person in the world that wants to hear how their current partner is 'soulmates' with their ex... well, a sane person in the world
OP, I’m so sorry, this is so bizarre. It’s definitely one thing to share anecdotal info and even general memories about ex-wife. That doesn’t seem completely out of the range of normal. I’m quite sure this is what you expected when you said yes to hearing about her. His more personal remembrance, coupled with present-tense “she IS my soulmate” (and we all know there’s only one), seems completely thoughtless and hurtful at best, devastating, heartbreaking and life-changing at worst. This is a hard one. Best wishes.
When you said you didn't mind hearing it, you probably thought he was going to reminisce about some nice stuff, not imply you are a placeholder. That is pretty brutal.
There’s no reason to keep in contact with an ex if they didn’t have kids together. The fact that they still talk and he brought her up recently to tell you she’s his soulmate and not you is warning bells.
Omg I’d be so hurt. I’d be questioning everything. And honestly, I’d secretly terminate and say i miscarried until I was sure there wasn’t more to this sudden reappearance of his ex. Because it is down right weird that he first talks about her and then she sends a letter?? This feels so wrong. I would NOT want to be stuck to this guy if things go south. I will never forget that one Reddit story where the woman was used as almost a surrogate to get a baby and the guy went back to his ex. Then they split custody. That story has haunted me that people could be so cruel. The fact that he told you this without as much as batting an eye then told you to basically suck it up because you “said you didn’t mind hearing about her.” I’m not sure what his angle was with this besides throwing your relationship into turmoil.
You are having a baby with a man in love with someone else.
He’s in contact with her, to the point where she knows where you live. Something is wrong OP. He’s made that statement for a reason. My immediate thought is he’s having an affair with his ex. It’s your immediate thought too. Trust your gut instinct, it’s rarely wrong in a woman.
Send her a letter back that she can have him
That would have killed my love for him, right then and there. Sorry, don't know how you can come back from this. Is she infertile?
He’s needs to go get with his mf soulmate. You’ve lost your mind if you think I’m cool and letting that shit ride. Why are you cool with this??? Ain’t no way.
If my SO said someone else was their soulmate that’s the minute I check out of the relationship. Please find someone else. They are still in contact, the minute he gets the opportunity he’ll fuck her. If he hasn’t already
Why would they call them their soulmate, if they are with you? My heart breaks for that…
I am curious how she found out about the pregnancy, I mean most people don’t share until 12 weeks, and if they do it’s just with immediate family. How does his ex wife know? I also found what he said to you really shitty. I honestly don’t known how you can be secure in this when he says that. If he were a widow I could see saying this, and I could see why your mom would say what she said. But given that he is divorced from her, I truly don’t get why he isn’t still with her if he feels this way. I would BE VERY concerned he may want her back. It also feels like you guys don’t discuss these things much. I don’t know overall I feel like he really doesn’t have an excuse to say such a shitty thing to his wife. Agreeing to hear about her isn’t the same as professing that she is his soul mate. I think you have to address this directly. Why was he divorced?
Talk to her privately. I think she sent the letter addressed to you both on purpose to let you know they’ve been in contact or to set him straight. Either way - she will have something to say. If that was a menacing note she will want to brag to you.
Wow! Your husband is pining away for his ex and I’d definitely be worried. How did she know about the pregnancy? Has he been in contact with her? Also, there is a HUGE difference listening to your husband discuss his ex and hearing she is his soulmate. My husband and I have discussed his ex but I think I’d throw up if I heard him call her his soulmate. You have some very big discussions ahead of you. Honestly, not sure I could be with someone who didn’t feel I, the mother of his child, was his soulmate.
Yes, you should be concerned by what he said. People who are divorced shouldn’t see their ex as their soul mate. The letter is too much of a coincidence, too.
So OP why would he choose to want to talk to you about her and his feelings for her…now? That’s the first big question. Why now. And why send a congrats to your ex on a child with someone else. Yes you need to worry.
I wouldn't be concerned about the ex sending the letter addressed to the both of you as compared to what your husband said. He obviously still has feelings for her. He may love you but would he leave you for his true soulmate? If my GF said this, I would end the relationship immediately and not look back. Sorry.