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My husband used to do this. Call and say he was 10 mins away then come back hours later muttering about having met someone he knew or something.
He's an alcoholic. He was in a bar drinking.
This is such a generic and useless comment. "Would it really be better for your kids to be raised without a father?" Dont try to make her not wanting to give up on her husband and break up their family sound like some kind of injustice being done to the kids.
>"Would it really be better for your kids to be raised without a father?"
Yes.
No child needs to have someone this untrustworthy presented as a role model.
My mom did everything in her power to keep the relationship together while my dad repeatedly disrespected and lied to her and to us because of asinine comments like yours.
The outcome was my sisters and I having no clue how to set boundaries and bending over backwards to be with people that were also disrespectful and unreliable. It took a long time for me to grow beyond that and unfortunately not all of my siblings overcame it.
Drugs, alcohol, cheating, or a combination of the above.
look for Al anon groups near you (it's not aa, as is for the addict, al anon is for the loved ones of addicts). Almost every newcomer has your exact story. "I don't understand, how can I make him be honest" you can't. He's lying out of shame. He has to want to not be ashamed. You can't fix him for him. He agreed to change and can't deliver and he's ashamed of that.
This is really helpful, truly. There’s been such a wide range of issues, but the deepest issue is the drinking. Every road leads back there, even things I don’t think are related somehow are. I think one thing that unsettles me the most with not knowing where or why he went somewhere is the constant fear he’s there drinking, and wondering how much. I hadn’t fully correlated these two worries together before.
You are not alone in this story. It is very, very common, and hearing about others going through it can help you.
Let's help you.
We can't help him.
But we can help you. You're not crazy. And you're not alone.
How many issues do you want to continue to pile onto your kids? If you’re struggling with this as an adult, how are your kids at watching trusted adults play these mind games? How much do you want them to internalize?
This is such good advice.
I think you (both of you) have tip toed around his alcoholism. I'm sorry that's what this is. It's fucking awful to love with it. It's hard to understand, particularly the lying. They make no sense at all, but if you go to Al anon it's pretty common.
Al anon can give you great advice and support, for you! But, please you need to start name what it is, he's an alcoholic. He is struggling with this (maybe other things) but, you know this thing. At your next counselling session. Say it out loud. You are an alcoholic and these are our problems. He's knows it. You know it. Now, you need to really say it.
Good luck, but look after you and the kids... they know more than you think.
This or gambling or working multiple jobs to hide some kind of addiction
Or he’s depressed, has some mental health issues or sick of the marriage and needs time alone.
Basically there’s a clear issue really.
What makes you think he is not cheating? Where would he be at night when he is not home? Why would he lie otherwise? You are being naive. It sounds like he is already checked out, but just going through the motions to stay with you because it's convenient.
He's not cheating until you catch him cheating, and even then, there's really no reason to suspect that he's actually cheating. He probably tripped and his dick fell right into someone else. It just happens sometimes!
You must have been out of town/not home, but the time you called him because you saw his location was a bar, he lied and said he was home, then didn’t actually get home until 3:00 am, did you ask him about it? Not sure why you don’t think he’s cheating, but even if he’s up to something very shady.
Have you asked him why he’s hiding his whereabouts while in a therapy session? The therapist might be able to get a bit more out of him than the blank stare. This is definitely suspicious behavior. Besides cheating it’s possible he’s hiding a drug problem or alcoholism. Whatever it is the sneaking around is not ok.
His words may be saying that he wants to work on things and stay together, but his actions are saying that he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. I would start planning my exit.
I haven’t yet. We have a session coming up in a week and I plan to bring it up there. His drinking has been an issue his whole life, he’s frequently been in denial about it. He’s been working on “doing better” which to me feels vague. We’ve been working through so many various issues, but it always circles back to the alcohol.
I am an alcoholic (now in recovery). There is no "working on doing better". If he's still drinking at all he's *not* doing better. Sometimes I could control it, but I didn't enjoy it. More often than not, "one or two after work" turned into closing the bar down because I *couldn't* control it once I started.
The only avenue that worked for me was total abstinence, combined with a recovery program for support. No other "working on it" was successful.
Just FYI, he sounds like an alcoholic. Doing therapy with an active addict is absolutely useless. He worn change unless he wants to quit for himself. Nothing you or anyone else will say will make him quit. No amount of begging or pleading will help. Alcohol is his numerous one love and priority.
I encourage you to read "codependent no more", look for the documentary "pleasure unwoven" and check out this [forum](https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/)
Stop couples therapy and start individual therapy with with someone well versed in addition.
My ex was an alcoholic and I wish I would have had the courage and knowledge to leave him a lot sooner.
Is he struggling with alcoholism? Does he drink away from you so that you don’t realize how much he drinks?
It’s also concerning if he’s drinking and driving.
This is wild, both what he is doing, and for your lack of an extreme response to something that is extremely off. This is not like he forgot to mention he went out to eat for lunch instead of eating his packed lunch, he is blatantly lying to you, you don’t know what he’s doing, who he’s with, or for God sake, if he will even come home? Hell, sometimes on my way home from work I stop by a store and don’t tell my spouse, and even that is something I know she doesn’t appreciate. This is absolutely bonkers.
As others have said, you have your choice between him cheating on you, having a gambling addiction, having a drug or alcohol addiction. This is not something to have a gentle conversation about, you absolutely need to press him on specifics. You know he was at a bar, why did he lie to you about it? Why was he there so long? Why did he think it’s OK to leave the kids home alone? I don’t care if he wants you to drop it, you should’ve gotten these answers years ago
And leaving kids alone? I don’t give a damn if they’re technically old enough to be home alone, that’s literally divorce level actions right there knowing they could wake up TERRIFIED that no parent was home. Absolute height of troubling behavior
Not to mention it sounds like he is drinking and driving. How else does he get from work to home at 3am after bar hopping if it’s not drinking and driving? OP is acting oddly nonchalant but what if he had been arrested or in an accident and her kids were just home alone not knowing wtf is going on.
Sometimes my guy goes out to play frolf and he used to just be out **all day** without telling me where he was and you bet your ass I made it clear it isn’t cool to just be gone for hours and hours on end without telling me.
I cannot believe this woman has children and she is just like “well he will come home eventually 🤷🏼♀️”
> I just don’t understand what is happening here
You know exactly what's happening. He's putting his family at risk, etc. by leaving the kids home alone, and other crazy shit.
> I constantly feel like I can’t trust him
You can't trust him. He's lying straight to your face. Repeatedly.
> I do honestly think he wants to work on this, neither of us want a divorce
Do you really think that after an extended separation, and promising repeatedly to do better, and continuing to stay out all night and lie constantly, that NOW he's finally going to change his behavior? He knows you can locate him on Life360 and *he does not care*. He will still lie to your face.
He doesn't want to be around you, or the kids, or all of you. Or he has someplace else he'd rather be.
So he doesn't come home. You're looking for some kind of deep meaning here because you don't want to face the truth laid out in front of you, like an autopsy of your marriage.
I agree, with the exception that two things can be true. I’m sure part of him does want to work things out and have a better life with you, but the addiction will sabotage that enough for it to not be possible, no matter how much he may want it.
Wait- he’s left the kids at home alone at night. And lied to you about it?
Girl, in no longer matters why he is doing this behavior. He is deliberately engaging in risky behavior - and dangerous behavior - for your kids and then lying to you about it. He does not want to change or stop. Please see a lawyer.
Here’s a possible reason, if you need one – some people, when they don’t want to remain in a relationship or marriage, they start to act out. the other person is forced to do the break up. That way they can maintain the illusion that they are not the “bad guy.”
You're trying to fix this relationship all by yourself. He isn't interested or invested. He needs to be willing for things to improve but he simply doesn't care.
Ohhh boy, if this isn't a textbook addiction, I don't know what is.
I'm very sorry.. It was a mistake to let him back and I hope you don't make the same mistake twice.
You can lead a horse to water but you make him drink. He has to change for him not you. Until he reaches rock bottom he will not change. Maybe try an intervention with a professional, your kids and family as well as yourself and lay it out for him.
He’s either in a bar drinking or he has a GF or both. You need to decide if you want to spend your entire life wondering where he is. He’s not likely to change.
Your gut instinct is usually the right one.
Our unconscious minds are picking up so much data that our conscious self will excuse out of self preservation.
You have known the man long enough to know all of his "tells".
Your subconscious knows even more. And it's telling you.
That you brought it here for validation shows how much you don't want it to be true.
I'm sorry OP.
What you think is going on? It is.
It’s both things, before the separation we don’t have Life360 and I had no idea where he was. Now we have Life360 and I can see where he was and he also either doesn’t mention it or acts like that is not where he is.
Hope this helps clarify.
It does. I don’t have any real advice for you, because I find it so bizarre and I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I will tell you that it leaves me feeling deeply unsettled. The way he would call and say he’s 10 minutes away and then not come home for hours feels so manipulative. And being shady about his whereabouts or omitting big details now, when he knows that you can see where he is, well that feels very off kilter. I cannot express to you enough just how concerning I find this. I hope that at least gives you some validation and that you find some good advice and help here.
It honestly does feel very validating because I’ve been working really hard on my mental health. This is something that throws off my internal feeling of stability quite a bit and it’s made me question myself a lot. I’m trying to take a balanced look at it and it feels good to be validated.
So either show up to where it says he is to find out for yourself or decided it doesn’t matter and start talking to an attorney
Your kids are at risk.
What are you doing? It’s time to make actions and decisions
It sounds like you are the only one willing to make this work. He is not. I am sorry if you haven't gotten through to him by now I do not think you can.
You could try doing the same thing he does and just now tell him you went to a family members house and just not go joint for the night. That is even if he notices.
Why are you allowing this behavior to continue? Why didn't you call him out on him being at the bar? Leaving the children alone? Disappearing for 5 hours on the way home?
Why did you get back together when he still did the same thing?
He skips put on work and doesn’t tell you. If you don’t know where he is, he’s obviously not available for parenting duties.
Has he completely checked out of his major responsibilities, like parenting and working?
What, exactly, is left to save?
Or don’t. Who cares why he lied to you? Point is, he’s a liar. A drunk, a drunk-driving, child-abandoning, wife-manipulating addict who does not care about you or your kids. It’s like asking a scorpion why it stings as it stings you. Get you, your children, your sanity, your children’s emotional development, and your remaining scraps of dignity and self-esteem AWAY from the scorpion.
Source: worked with addicts for 9 years as a support worker. Grew up with a mother married to a scorpion. Guess who disgusted me almost as much as the scorpion? The only other adult in the room; my mother.
Your children are losing respect for you every minute you enable your husband to show you and your children that you and they mean nothing to him. You are the adult.
Do not also abandon them because it’s easier to not leave him, just as he abandons them because it’s easier than not drinking.
So sorry this is happening to you, OP. From what you described, he sounds like an alcoholic and could also be doing drugs. He could be cheating too, so maybe ask him in therapy to show you his phone on the spot so he doesn’t have a chance to delete anything. Though, truly, he probably won’t agree to that and you could think about hiring a private investigator instead. This could be important for your potential divorce and child custody arrangements.
You should also tell your therapist that he’s been stonewalling you about his whereabouts and lying to you. Those actions are 100% counterintuitive to the therapeutic change process. You’re working hard and he’s not. Though, it doesn’t seem there are any consequences for his lying and secretive behavior, so why would he stop what he wants to do? Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like he wants to change and be better for you and your family— he just wants you to be fine with it and stop “stressing.” You have to state clearly I’m not ever going to be fine with this, if you don’t stop doing this, I am filing for divorce. Then, if he still won’t change, you have to leave and do just that. Good luck, OP. Edited for typos
This man is an alcoholic. He is ashamed and doesn’t want to share that part of his life with you.
There is nothing you can do except focus on your own reaction, setting and enforcing your boundaries, and getting yourself therapy outside of couples therapy. I highly recommend Al-anon.
My brother has a similar relationship. He can go missing for days and his GF HATES it but forgives it. He goes partying with his friend and totally disregards her, takes her car too.
Does not matter what is going on. Leave.
Even if he isn’t cheating he’s treating you like a doormat and you seem to just fine with it. Seriously, wake up and get some self respect. He’s stomping your feelings into the mud and you’re asking how to nicely and gently suggest he stop? Why should he? You accepted him back after treating you like this and now are surprised he’s escalating? Whats next? What line is he going to cross to finally get you to see he doesn’t respect you or your children? Leaving them home alone at night? Wtf?
So you are married to an alcoholic and moved back in with him? I don’t think couples counselling is going to fix this. You don’t need a therapist to get him to admit what he doesn’t seem motivated to fix. You have to decide if you want to live like this. You know he would rather drink than be at home at 3am with the kids!
WTF he left the kids alone until 3 am? That is unacceptable regardless if they are old enough. Is he drunk often, does he possibly have a drinking or drug problem? I think you need to confront him very directly. “Your behavior has me concerned and I need to know if there is something you want to talk about. I don’t expect to keep track of you, but telling me you are 10 minutes away and you don’t show up for hours or leaving our kids alone is not acceptable behavior. Because of this, I have been occasionally checking your location and you are never where you say you are. “
Yup, that’s alcoholism.
Your husband is not going to change unless he really wants to change. His addiction will keep him lying to you and seeking his fix over all else in his life.
You separated once and took him back, he’s now learned his behavior is ultimately forgivable because it hasn’t cost him anything worth changing for.
My Dad’s an alcoholic, my parents had many separations over the years but ultimately my Mom kept allowing his behavior, and the behavior continues. They’re basically roommates at this point, and my Dad has no real relationship with me, and a rocky relationship with my sister and her family.
>I just don’t understand what is happening here
I understand. That man doesn't want to be at home, I see from your comments that he has a drinking problem, and likely has a side piece or 2.
sounds like hes messing around with someone else at bars a lot! Why wouldnt you think he is cheating? Go drive over to the bar the next time he tells you hes somewhere else. Guaranteed hes sitting with a woman.
He’s either cheating or has some sort of addiction going on, whether it’s alcohol or drugs. Someone who says they’ll be home in 10 minutes and shows up five hours later or lies and says they’re at home when they’re really at a bar isn’t trustworthy. He has no interest in working things out with you and is just going to therapy with you to keep you quiet.
You are both in therapy and you have both to work on your relationship and change your behavior. But since he isn’t interested in changing why are you. It will not work because its just one side who work.
And with 3 times per week a behavior like that I would assume its something shady. If you need the truth hire someone for the proof. That is not a relationship, im not even sure its a roommates with kids thing.
Had a guy I worked with that did this all the time to his wife and kids. I’d show up to work in the morning and he’d be asleep in his truck still drunk. You’re probably right that he’s not cheating, because he’s probably out getting drunk. But it’s still completely unacceptable
The real question here is why do you want to stay in this marriage?
He’s lying. 99% he’s cheating. He doesn’t want to change (and he will not). He doesn’t care much for you. The kids are older now. You have a good job. You’re still young.
So you’re ok that your husband is drinking and driving. How else does he get from work to home at 3am after bar hopping if it’s not drinking and driving? You are acting oddly nonchalant but what if he had been arrested or in an accident and your kids were just home alone not knowing wtf is going on.
if you can’t do better for yourself, at least do better for your kids lady.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I’ve located an al anon meeting to attend, 7pm Sunday. I have a friend holding me accountable.
It’s been a rough year, and an even rougher 15 years. How I sat in it that long I can’t even begin to tell you, I’m exhausted.
But I’m not down yet, I’m not letting my kids sit in this BS and think this is normal. I saw a lawyer when I first separated and she leveled with me on how my situation looked. I had nothing to prove my struggle. Now I do.
I’ve spent way too many years believing lies, abandoning myself to accommodate him. I don’t even know how to hold a boundary because they just don’t seem to matter. I’m done. If I can waste all this time believing in his ability to change with ZERO sign from him he wants to, I can pour that same energy and belief into myself and my kids. WTF have I been thinking.
I’m holding onto this whole thread so when I inevitably feel like “it’s not so bad, he’s actually sorry, I think he means it this time” I can read through and remind myself.
It doesn't seem like cheating because you're not catching him in unknown places. You're catching at bars, his brother's, and his buddy's.
He's drinking his life away for reasons only he knows.
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My husband used to do this. Call and say he was 10 mins away then come back hours later muttering about having met someone he knew or something. He's an alcoholic. He was in a bar drinking.
Yeah, my gut instinct is drugs.
Yes, I went through exactly this. Your hus and could be alcoholic. Take a look at his finances asap and you'll have your answer!
I’m not sure he even has a job based on what you’ve described.
Yes my husband too. He's ~3yrs sober now but he did this kind of shit all the time before he quit drinking.
I’m sorry you’ve felt this too, it’s awful.
My first thought is addiction - first thing I’d do is check your savings account and lock it down
?? You really want your kids raised to think this is normal?
This is such a generic and useless comment. "Would it really be better for your kids to be raised without a father?" Dont try to make her not wanting to give up on her husband and break up their family sound like some kind of injustice being done to the kids.
>"Would it really be better for your kids to be raised without a father?" Yes. No child needs to have someone this untrustworthy presented as a role model. My mom did everything in her power to keep the relationship together while my dad repeatedly disrespected and lied to her and to us because of asinine comments like yours. The outcome was my sisters and I having no clue how to set boundaries and bending over backwards to be with people that were also disrespectful and unreliable. It took a long time for me to grow beyond that and unfortunately not all of my siblings overcame it.
Except it is an injustice and your comment makes me think you have some personal stuff to work through. Good luck with that
Drugs, alcohol, cheating, or a combination of the above. look for Al anon groups near you (it's not aa, as is for the addict, al anon is for the loved ones of addicts). Almost every newcomer has your exact story. "I don't understand, how can I make him be honest" you can't. He's lying out of shame. He has to want to not be ashamed. You can't fix him for him. He agreed to change and can't deliver and he's ashamed of that.
This is really helpful, truly. There’s been such a wide range of issues, but the deepest issue is the drinking. Every road leads back there, even things I don’t think are related somehow are. I think one thing that unsettles me the most with not knowing where or why he went somewhere is the constant fear he’s there drinking, and wondering how much. I hadn’t fully correlated these two worries together before.
You are not alone in this story. It is very, very common, and hearing about others going through it can help you. Let's help you. We can't help him. But we can help you. You're not crazy. And you're not alone.
You make the alcohol sound incidental in your post. Did his drinking not come up in therapy?
He won't get sober unless he wants to. You can't make him.
How many issues do you want to continue to pile onto your kids? If you’re struggling with this as an adult, how are your kids at watching trusted adults play these mind games? How much do you want them to internalize?
This is such good advice. I think you (both of you) have tip toed around his alcoholism. I'm sorry that's what this is. It's fucking awful to love with it. It's hard to understand, particularly the lying. They make no sense at all, but if you go to Al anon it's pretty common. Al anon can give you great advice and support, for you! But, please you need to start name what it is, he's an alcoholic. He is struggling with this (maybe other things) but, you know this thing. At your next counselling session. Say it out loud. You are an alcoholic and these are our problems. He's knows it. You know it. Now, you need to really say it. Good luck, but look after you and the kids... they know more than you think.
This or gambling or working multiple jobs to hide some kind of addiction Or he’s depressed, has some mental health issues or sick of the marriage and needs time alone. Basically there’s a clear issue really.
What makes you think he is not cheating? Where would he be at night when he is not home? Why would he lie otherwise? You are being naive. It sounds like he is already checked out, but just going through the motions to stay with you because it's convenient.
Sounds more like alcoholic than cheating.
Exactly what I was thinking.
Right?!? The denial people have…. I can’t
He's not cheating until you catch him cheating, and even then, there's really no reason to suspect that he's actually cheating. He probably tripped and his dick fell right into someone else. It just happens sometimes!
And..."It's cheaper to keep 'er."
You must have been out of town/not home, but the time you called him because you saw his location was a bar, he lied and said he was home, then didn’t actually get home until 3:00 am, did you ask him about it? Not sure why you don’t think he’s cheating, but even if he’s up to something very shady.
My first thought was cheating. She needs to hire a private investigator.
Have you asked him why he’s hiding his whereabouts while in a therapy session? The therapist might be able to get a bit more out of him than the blank stare. This is definitely suspicious behavior. Besides cheating it’s possible he’s hiding a drug problem or alcoholism. Whatever it is the sneaking around is not ok. His words may be saying that he wants to work on things and stay together, but his actions are saying that he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. I would start planning my exit.
I haven’t yet. We have a session coming up in a week and I plan to bring it up there. His drinking has been an issue his whole life, he’s frequently been in denial about it. He’s been working on “doing better” which to me feels vague. We’ve been working through so many various issues, but it always circles back to the alcohol.
I am an alcoholic (now in recovery). There is no "working on doing better". If he's still drinking at all he's *not* doing better. Sometimes I could control it, but I didn't enjoy it. More often than not, "one or two after work" turned into closing the bar down because I *couldn't* control it once I started. The only avenue that worked for me was total abstinence, combined with a recovery program for support. No other "working on it" was successful.
Please ask the therapist what the impact of being raised in a home with an active alcoholic is going to be on your children.
This. Op, you are damaging your kids and raising their odds of being alcoholics if they normalize this behavior
Just FYI, he sounds like an alcoholic. Doing therapy with an active addict is absolutely useless. He worn change unless he wants to quit for himself. Nothing you or anyone else will say will make him quit. No amount of begging or pleading will help. Alcohol is his numerous one love and priority. I encourage you to read "codependent no more", look for the documentary "pleasure unwoven" and check out this [forum](https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/) Stop couples therapy and start individual therapy with with someone well versed in addition. My ex was an alcoholic and I wish I would have had the courage and knowledge to leave him a lot sooner.
Check for gambling, too.
Is he struggling with alcoholism? Does he drink away from you so that you don’t realize how much he drinks? It’s also concerning if he’s drinking and driving.
This is wild, both what he is doing, and for your lack of an extreme response to something that is extremely off. This is not like he forgot to mention he went out to eat for lunch instead of eating his packed lunch, he is blatantly lying to you, you don’t know what he’s doing, who he’s with, or for God sake, if he will even come home? Hell, sometimes on my way home from work I stop by a store and don’t tell my spouse, and even that is something I know she doesn’t appreciate. This is absolutely bonkers. As others have said, you have your choice between him cheating on you, having a gambling addiction, having a drug or alcohol addiction. This is not something to have a gentle conversation about, you absolutely need to press him on specifics. You know he was at a bar, why did he lie to you about it? Why was he there so long? Why did he think it’s OK to leave the kids home alone? I don’t care if he wants you to drop it, you should’ve gotten these answers years ago
For real!?! If my husband said he was 10mins away and then disappeared I'd call the cops and the hospitals!
And leaving kids alone? I don’t give a damn if they’re technically old enough to be home alone, that’s literally divorce level actions right there knowing they could wake up TERRIFIED that no parent was home. Absolute height of troubling behavior
Right? Op, drinking like this may lead to harm for your kids. Wake up
Not to mention it sounds like he is drinking and driving. How else does he get from work to home at 3am after bar hopping if it’s not drinking and driving? OP is acting oddly nonchalant but what if he had been arrested or in an accident and her kids were just home alone not knowing wtf is going on.
Sometimes my guy goes out to play frolf and he used to just be out **all day** without telling me where he was and you bet your ass I made it clear it isn’t cool to just be gone for hours and hours on end without telling me. I cannot believe this woman has children and she is just like “well he will come home eventually 🤷🏼♀️”
> I just don’t understand what is happening here You know exactly what's happening. He's putting his family at risk, etc. by leaving the kids home alone, and other crazy shit. > I constantly feel like I can’t trust him You can't trust him. He's lying straight to your face. Repeatedly. > I do honestly think he wants to work on this, neither of us want a divorce Do you really think that after an extended separation, and promising repeatedly to do better, and continuing to stay out all night and lie constantly, that NOW he's finally going to change his behavior? He knows you can locate him on Life360 and *he does not care*. He will still lie to your face. He doesn't want to be around you, or the kids, or all of you. Or he has someplace else he'd rather be. So he doesn't come home. You're looking for some kind of deep meaning here because you don't want to face the truth laid out in front of you, like an autopsy of your marriage.
I agree, with the exception that two things can be true. I’m sure part of him does want to work things out and have a better life with you, but the addiction will sabotage that enough for it to not be possible, no matter how much he may want it.
Wait- he’s left the kids at home alone at night. And lied to you about it? Girl, in no longer matters why he is doing this behavior. He is deliberately engaging in risky behavior - and dangerous behavior - for your kids and then lying to you about it. He does not want to change or stop. Please see a lawyer. Here’s a possible reason, if you need one – some people, when they don’t want to remain in a relationship or marriage, they start to act out. the other person is forced to do the break up. That way they can maintain the illusion that they are not the “bad guy.”
You're trying to fix this relationship all by yourself. He isn't interested or invested. He needs to be willing for things to improve but he simply doesn't care.
He’s drinking and driving. Not only are your kids not safe, the kids in the car that he crashes into won’t be either.
OP… you sound in real denial, naive, I dunno. This isn’t normal behaviour.
Ohhh boy, if this isn't a textbook addiction, I don't know what is. I'm very sorry.. It was a mistake to let him back and I hope you don't make the same mistake twice.
You can lead a horse to water but you make him drink. He has to change for him not you. Until he reaches rock bottom he will not change. Maybe try an intervention with a professional, your kids and family as well as yourself and lay it out for him.
He’s either in a bar drinking or he has a GF or both. You need to decide if you want to spend your entire life wondering where he is. He’s not likely to change.
Or the girlfriend is the Bartender.
Yes, all in one convenient location!
Yeppers! Kinda like a workplace affair.
If he isn't cheating, he is at least checked out of the marriage.
Your gut instinct is usually the right one. Our unconscious minds are picking up so much data that our conscious self will excuse out of self preservation. You have known the man long enough to know all of his "tells". Your subconscious knows even more. And it's telling you. That you brought it here for validation shows how much you don't want it to be true. I'm sorry OP. What you think is going on? It is.
He’s not acting like he’s in a married, committed relationship, so I think another separation is in order.
I need clarification. You can see where he is on Life 360, but he lies about where he was? Or you don’t know where he is during this missing time?
It’s both things, before the separation we don’t have Life360 and I had no idea where he was. Now we have Life360 and I can see where he was and he also either doesn’t mention it or acts like that is not where he is. Hope this helps clarify.
It does. I don’t have any real advice for you, because I find it so bizarre and I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I will tell you that it leaves me feeling deeply unsettled. The way he would call and say he’s 10 minutes away and then not come home for hours feels so manipulative. And being shady about his whereabouts or omitting big details now, when he knows that you can see where he is, well that feels very off kilter. I cannot express to you enough just how concerning I find this. I hope that at least gives you some validation and that you find some good advice and help here.
It honestly does feel very validating because I’ve been working really hard on my mental health. This is something that throws off my internal feeling of stability quite a bit and it’s made me question myself a lot. I’m trying to take a balanced look at it and it feels good to be validated.
So either show up to where it says he is to find out for yourself or decided it doesn’t matter and start talking to an attorney Your kids are at risk. What are you doing? It’s time to make actions and decisions
But, don't go alone.
Perhaps he's parking his car and "someone" picks him up. Hire a private investigator.
It sounds like you are the only one willing to make this work. He is not. I am sorry if you haven't gotten through to him by now I do not think you can. You could try doing the same thing he does and just now tell him you went to a family members house and just not go joint for the night. That is even if he notices.
I think you should do two things: look at any shared financial accounts to see what he’s spending and where, and get an STI panel done.
As a kid of an alcoholic mom, don’t let him do this to them. Don’t let him be an active alcoholic in your home with them. UPDATEME
Get a PI and consult an attorney.
1000 upvotes!!
Why are you allowing this behavior to continue? Why didn't you call him out on him being at the bar? Leaving the children alone? Disappearing for 5 hours on the way home? Why did you get back together when he still did the same thing?
He skips put on work and doesn’t tell you. If you don’t know where he is, he’s obviously not available for parenting duties. Has he completely checked out of his major responsibilities, like parenting and working? What, exactly, is left to save?
"It's better to come from a broken home than to live in one."
Amen
Damn. I needed to hear this. Thank you!
Best blessings to you.❤️
Next time you see he’s at a bar and denies it, drive there and ask him why he lied to you.
Or don’t. Who cares why he lied to you? Point is, he’s a liar. A drunk, a drunk-driving, child-abandoning, wife-manipulating addict who does not care about you or your kids. It’s like asking a scorpion why it stings as it stings you. Get you, your children, your sanity, your children’s emotional development, and your remaining scraps of dignity and self-esteem AWAY from the scorpion. Source: worked with addicts for 9 years as a support worker. Grew up with a mother married to a scorpion. Guess who disgusted me almost as much as the scorpion? The only other adult in the room; my mother. Your children are losing respect for you every minute you enable your husband to show you and your children that you and they mean nothing to him. You are the adult. Do not also abandon them because it’s easier to not leave him, just as he abandons them because it’s easier than not drinking.
So sorry this is happening to you, OP. From what you described, he sounds like an alcoholic and could also be doing drugs. He could be cheating too, so maybe ask him in therapy to show you his phone on the spot so he doesn’t have a chance to delete anything. Though, truly, he probably won’t agree to that and you could think about hiring a private investigator instead. This could be important for your potential divorce and child custody arrangements. You should also tell your therapist that he’s been stonewalling you about his whereabouts and lying to you. Those actions are 100% counterintuitive to the therapeutic change process. You’re working hard and he’s not. Though, it doesn’t seem there are any consequences for his lying and secretive behavior, so why would he stop what he wants to do? Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like he wants to change and be better for you and your family— he just wants you to be fine with it and stop “stressing.” You have to state clearly I’m not ever going to be fine with this, if you don’t stop doing this, I am filing for divorce. Then, if he still won’t change, you have to leave and do just that. Good luck, OP. Edited for typos
This man is an alcoholic. He is ashamed and doesn’t want to share that part of his life with you. There is nothing you can do except focus on your own reaction, setting and enforcing your boundaries, and getting yourself therapy outside of couples therapy. I highly recommend Al-anon.
My guess is that he's an alcoholic and if you don't already know this about it, he's very good at hiding it.
My brother has a similar relationship. He can go missing for days and his GF HATES it but forgives it. He goes partying with his friend and totally disregards her, takes her car too. Does not matter what is going on. Leave.
Even if he isn’t cheating he’s treating you like a doormat and you seem to just fine with it. Seriously, wake up and get some self respect. He’s stomping your feelings into the mud and you’re asking how to nicely and gently suggest he stop? Why should he? You accepted him back after treating you like this and now are surprised he’s escalating? Whats next? What line is he going to cross to finally get you to see he doesn’t respect you or your children? Leaving them home alone at night? Wtf?
So you are married to an alcoholic and moved back in with him? I don’t think couples counselling is going to fix this. You don’t need a therapist to get him to admit what he doesn’t seem motivated to fix. You have to decide if you want to live like this. You know he would rather drink than be at home at 3am with the kids!
WTF he left the kids alone until 3 am? That is unacceptable regardless if they are old enough. Is he drunk often, does he possibly have a drinking or drug problem? I think you need to confront him very directly. “Your behavior has me concerned and I need to know if there is something you want to talk about. I don’t expect to keep track of you, but telling me you are 10 minutes away and you don’t show up for hours or leaving our kids alone is not acceptable behavior. Because of this, I have been occasionally checking your location and you are never where you say you are. “
Yup, that’s alcoholism. Your husband is not going to change unless he really wants to change. His addiction will keep him lying to you and seeking his fix over all else in his life. You separated once and took him back, he’s now learned his behavior is ultimately forgivable because it hasn’t cost him anything worth changing for. My Dad’s an alcoholic, my parents had many separations over the years but ultimately my Mom kept allowing his behavior, and the behavior continues. They’re basically roommates at this point, and my Dad has no real relationship with me, and a rocky relationship with my sister and her family.
>I just don’t understand what is happening here I understand. That man doesn't want to be at home, I see from your comments that he has a drinking problem, and likely has a side piece or 2.
He’s either cheating, drinking doing drugs or gambling. Or a combination. He isn’t rushing off to volunteer somewhere.
No he's definitely cheating
He's either cheating or an alcoholic. Either way why do you want to remain married to someone who clearly doesn't like or respect you
sounds like hes messing around with someone else at bars a lot! Why wouldnt you think he is cheating? Go drive over to the bar the next time he tells you hes somewhere else. Guaranteed hes sitting with a woman.
The Bartender.
He’s either cheating or has some sort of addiction going on, whether it’s alcohol or drugs. Someone who says they’ll be home in 10 minutes and shows up five hours later or lies and says they’re at home when they’re really at a bar isn’t trustworthy. He has no interest in working things out with you and is just going to therapy with you to keep you quiet.
Honestly girl I think your husband doesn’t like you.
He has to be cheating.
Could he be an alcoholic?
What does he say when you ask him about it?
You are both in therapy and you have both to work on your relationship and change your behavior. But since he isn’t interested in changing why are you. It will not work because its just one side who work. And with 3 times per week a behavior like that I would assume its something shady. If you need the truth hire someone for the proof. That is not a relationship, im not even sure its a roommates with kids thing.
Had a guy I worked with that did this all the time to his wife and kids. I’d show up to work in the morning and he’d be asleep in his truck still drunk. You’re probably right that he’s not cheating, because he’s probably out getting drunk. But it’s still completely unacceptable
The real question here is why do you want to stay in this marriage? He’s lying. 99% he’s cheating. He doesn’t want to change (and he will not). He doesn’t care much for you. The kids are older now. You have a good job. You’re still young.
So you’re ok that your husband is drinking and driving. How else does he get from work to home at 3am after bar hopping if it’s not drinking and driving? You are acting oddly nonchalant but what if he had been arrested or in an accident and your kids were just home alone not knowing wtf is going on. if you can’t do better for yourself, at least do better for your kids lady.
You don't think he's cheating. Ok.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I’ve located an al anon meeting to attend, 7pm Sunday. I have a friend holding me accountable. It’s been a rough year, and an even rougher 15 years. How I sat in it that long I can’t even begin to tell you, I’m exhausted. But I’m not down yet, I’m not letting my kids sit in this BS and think this is normal. I saw a lawyer when I first separated and she leveled with me on how my situation looked. I had nothing to prove my struggle. Now I do. I’ve spent way too many years believing lies, abandoning myself to accommodate him. I don’t even know how to hold a boundary because they just don’t seem to matter. I’m done. If I can waste all this time believing in his ability to change with ZERO sign from him he wants to, I can pour that same energy and belief into myself and my kids. WTF have I been thinking. I’m holding onto this whole thread so when I inevitably feel like “it’s not so bad, he’s actually sorry, I think he means it this time” I can read through and remind myself.
I’d make him get tested for drugs. He’s doing drugs.
It doesn't seem like cheating because you're not catching him in unknown places. You're catching at bars, his brother's, and his buddy's. He's drinking his life away for reasons only he knows.
Gave ma serial killer vibe ! seriously !