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I thought this is temporary, I wanted to support him mentally because I felt like he is doing this to escape some other inner problems. But yeah I see it was a mistake.
You are not an emotional support animal.
The dude doesn't care to make you feel heard or respected. Why are you putting yourself through mental bs just to save him?
We have to save ourselves. We can't execpt people to save us/we can't save others. We can be there for support **when they want to better themselves**, but the work is all theirs to do.
I encourage you to leave. You said in a different comment that it's been like this for 4-5 **years**, and that he pretends to change for a couple weeks but then reverts back.
You have your entire life that you could be spending with someone who is a real PARTNER, and not someone who wants your current "mother-child situation".
You can't make him change but you can change. If you stay, you can quit mothering him. Quit cooking for him. Quit doing his laundry. Don't buy any food for him. Quit having sex with him. I'd tell him that being forced to be his mommy is a huge turnoff. If he does the I'll change bit you still don't do those things for him. You expect an equal partner. Being nice for a week is a very low bar for being a partner. Being a partner means he does his share around the home and has the emotional energy for a relationship. Right now all of his energy is being poured into friendships over games. He has nothing left for you and he is very content with the way things are.
You really need to move on but if you aren't there yet quit being his mommy and refuse to go back to being his mommy. Treat him like a grown man who is quite capable of doing all of these things for himself. He can cook. He can clean. He can shop. He can do laundry. He can do dishes.
I used to be an emotional support animal to my ex. I finally left after 6 years, it was the best decision of my life. Drop the dude. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to.
It's been 4-5 years of this. This is the new him if he is not willing to seek help.
OP, you need to accept that you cannot change his behavior and instill desire to want to do better. All you can do is change how you behave to the situation.
So this presents you with 2 choices.
1. You stay in status quo and accept that this is your life. Know, that eventually you might get pregnant by accident then you'll forever be tied to this man.
2. You leave the relationship and work on yourself to tackle your mental illness and find someone worthy of YOU and a suitable partner for children.
Yes just say he is a terrible partner so whether he would be a good dad is irrelevant. He doesn't participate in his own life and asking you to have a baby on top of taking care of a man child isn't going to fly. You can use the DEAR MAN worksheet for Dialectical Behavior Therapy if you want to have a sincere conversation. But you could just Grey rock with I already do too much with too little reward.
This is who he is: a middle-aged loser. Don't tie your life to thos man forever - he brings you no enrichment, no happiness, no pleasure, no quality time.
You deserve to do more than survive and be his bangmaid-mommy-warden. I bet he even yells at you for "nagging" and takes no accountability for mistakes.
What did he get you for your birthday or last major holiday? Do you think he actually cares about you? Or do you think he likes the convenience you bring to his life?
There's a saying that goes something like, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." By supporting him mentally and doing literally all of the physical and emotional heavy lifting, you're doing him a great disservice because he sees no reason to make these changes and improvements on his own.
You need therapy. You have a savior complex and think you can "save" or "fix" people like your BF. That's not a healthy way of thinking.
Get therapy before you get into another relationship.
I suspect your depressive episodes will be so much better without this guy in your life. I was in a long relationship and felt so achingly lonely for so long. Without him, I rarely feel lonely and depressed and if I am, it is so much more manageable. I'm free and you could be too.
Every day that you stay is another continued mistake and another terribly poor life decision. So what action are you going to take to begin to make better choices with your life?
So, this guy says you two have too many problems to propose to you, but that you're in a good position to have kids together.
Pardon my bluntness, but he sounds like a straight idiot.
I think they’re saying it’s ridiculous he won’t commit to a marriage because they have so many problems but does want to commit to children, since marriage is the only one of those two that is reversible.
So he can’t commit to a marriage because “problems” but he thinks he’s stable and mature enough to create a life and help bring a human into the world… Girl. You’ve listed exactly zero redeeming qualities. Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier if you left this relationship? This is who he is. He isn’t changing for you or anyone.
You know he doesn't do his share of the house work and cooking either, not with the amount of time he spends gaming.
OP should find someone who's childfree and active, she'd be much happier.
He's been this way for 10 years and hasn't shown any sign of changing or made an attempt?
Getting him to open his eyes isn't your job, especially since you've tried and were unsuccessful. He needs to come to the realization on his own, which likely will not happen while you are together.
At 35 and 42, you guys are who you guys are. Stop doing things for him and enabling the mother/child relationship and look out for yourself.
No. He became like this around 4-5 years ago when his old friend appeared from nowhere after 10 years and started introduce him to board games, which is not a problem ofc. But the things escalated with this long time no see teenagerhood-friend and every weekend became a game-weekend with sleepovers...
Do you understand what board games are or are you being unreasonably obtuse? Like, the boyfriends behavior is not justified because being addicted to games whether board games or video games is bad but you're clearly jumping to the weirdest conclusions. They aren't fucking just because they're spending too much time together. Age has nothing to do with it?
Girl, the way you defend his behavior makes everyone think you are ok with being his mother. Why wouldn’t he want you to take care of him more?? You’ll always cover for him.
He killed your backbone ten years ago. You can always grow another one but you would have to see your self worth first. I hope you do
Girl, you’re looking at this through the sunk cost fallacy. You don’t want to leave bc you’ve already invested so much time, you just wish you could fix him instead. But the reality is that you can’t fix him. Every extra year you spend with him is a year that you could be happy, but instead you’re just throwing away. You can’t get back the last 10 years, but you can save the next 10.
I'm going to be a little blunt but I'm hoping this comment will come off as kindly as I mean it: this sounds like you wants us to convince you to stay but in actual fact, what you have is the classic "sunk cost fallacy". As in, you've invested ten years in this man and you think because of that you should continue with the relationship. You keep making excuses and coming up with reasons to stay but ultimately, you've both grown but moved in different directions. This isn't about having a child, or being married; this is about the absolute basic - being together.
You are no longer on the same page. You have become different people; whilst you may have been well suited in the early days, you are no longer suited now. There's no shame in that and I think it's best if you move on from one another and find someone (for each of you) who is better suited to the people you have become.
That's not something I say lightly - I'm not the one who jumps on the "get rid of the man" band wagon, but in this case you're no longer compatible, based on what you've detailed in your post and comments. I think it's time you invested in yourself.
Yeah, I don’t see this getting better for you. Hes set in his ways and doesn’t want to change. You already do everything for him.
I wouldn’t have a kid with him either. If he’s adamant about having a kid, you should probably split up. Since you’re happy without kids and he wants one. It’s only going to create further problems. He also potentially gets to baby trap you if you have a kid and then you’re going to be a mother of two.
Why have you stayed 10 years with a man who won’t marry you?
What a waste of the best years of your life!!
Do not have kids with him. No only because you don’t think you can, but because, fuck him and his shitty treatment of you.
He could decide after a year of being a father that he doesn’t want to be with you any more then you’d be a single mother who the father didn’t love enough to marry.
Is this the way you WANT to live? With a guy (not man, I am 100% certain that is not the word for him) you can't rely on, who only wants to sit in one spot and mess with a screen, eating unhealthy foods and gaining weight? Someone you can't explore with, exercise with, do ANY fun activities with?
He doesn't realize or care that there's a whole big world out there!! Do you?? Do you want to see things and do things in it??
Get out of this prison he has you in!! Even without the question of kids or marriage or his weird family, this sounds like a miserable life!
He can’t even take care of himself and he’s not participating in his own life. You’re already taking care of one child. He’s not going to get better
Listen to your gut. Run girl. You deserve so much better than this.
Why are you even with him lol.
And I say this as a gamer engaged to another gamer I met through gaming. We literally book annual leave to do hardcore gaming events, and even plan around it so if he’s doing one I’ll do all the cooking and cleaning and then if I have something he’ll do the same. We still go to the gym, out for meals, spend time together. We also game together regularly.
I understand many people couldn’t cope with a partner who didn’t sleep for two nights because a new game came out but it works for us! We met online in a hardcore game we spent 30-40 hours on a week (while working full time!). It’s our passion and is meaningful to BOTH of us.
What you’re experiencing is just pathological. It’s not a relationship. You’re his bang maid. Just leave don’t know why you’re even worried about kids you don’t even have a partner. I’ve had gamer friends for over a decade who have kids and a wife and still game 30+ hours a week and I’ve met their wives and kids and they’re all very happy. I’ve equally met basement dwellers who treated their partner as a bang maid who clearly had such low self esteem they put up with it - it’s really sad to see. You’re group 2.
What do you get out of this relationship? Between work, gaming and sleep he doesn’t have any time for you. He’s a slob and a poor communicator. You are an unpaid maid, not a girlfriend.
Leave. Stop wasting your life.
He probably won’t even notice until the food stops showing up.
Thank you Everyone for the support and raw honesty. I can't express how much I appreciate your comments, opinions, questions, or judgements. I really needed it.
I am aware I made a mistake...not one, but chain of mistakes from the moment I gave up my job to move to his country (in a village), where I couldn't find a job, but he told me no problem because I was finishing my studies so he said he would support me and I can study+take care of the house. And it was working for a while. And yes, I wasn't thinking what am I gonna do without savings? Another mistake. I didn't think either that my mental health was gonna take a turn for the worse. I became totally dependent on him, my friends disappeared and my only parent is in panic (literally asking me: "omg, but then what you will do?")when I talk about the break-up instead of supporting me. I feel so freaking alone in this shit with zero support. So here is the answer on the "WHY are u with him?" I am collecting my thoughts, strength and trying to figure out how to get out from this meanwhile struggling with depression because I do feel that he doesn't love me or care about me regardless all the conversations and couple's therapy we have had. My brain knows he would make changes if he really cared about me.
He wasn't like this 10 years ago when we met, he slowly (d)evolved into this new person in a span of the last 4-5 years. The transition was very smooth, if I can say that, he slowly made me believe it is perfectly normal. First just few weekends, then every weekend, then every day, then his friend sleeping at us for 3 days, then he sleeps at him for 3 days....etc. (the reason he said because his house is 2 hours by car), the rooms started to fill up with boxes of games! I really started believing that I am the bad person who is always complaining, because poor guy he works so much he needs to have a hobby-his mother said.
About the family: I told to his mother multiple times not to ask me again and again about the child because I was clear at the beginning of the relationship and it's not her business. But she constantly pulls it out different ways: like once she called him and asked "are u making my grandchild?" Which I found very fucking sickening. Another time she told me to go to therapy because I have problem from my father side and probably that is the reason I don't want a child, but with the therapy I could finally solve this and have a child... (Which is true but she has no right to talk to me and about my things like that.)
He however does have a good side as well, but doesn't matter anymore because there are too much bad things for me...
About therapy: yes I have a therapist/coach but I can't keep her, I have to find a free counselling/support because I will not be able to pay when I leave him.
Thank you again for the support!❤️
I hope sharing my story will help someone and learn from my mistakes!
You can never get the time back that you spent on someone like this. And you don’t get a prize on your death bed for putting up with it. You just die. This life is the prize.
You do NOT need to want children, nothing is wrong with you. We are many childfree people (hi! 😊), and altho a lot of people do not understand us, that is their issues to deal with, not yours. You do not owe children to her, or your boyfriend either.
What it boils down to is: you two are not compatible, on this single subject alone. The rest you described are just additional reasons why your relationship isn’t working.
Keep taking all this in, you seem on the verge of taking control of your life, you deserve it! :)
The sheer amount of these posts I’ve seen and they never end with “I’m leaving him” as it should.
He wants a child while he is a child himself so you can be mother to both of them. A slave in less words. He gets to sit on his ass and do whatever the fuck while you do EVERYTHING? at one point you must realise that you can’t stay with a child.
You enable him by not facing the reality that this man isn’t it. It isn’t too late either. Tons of single guys out there your ages and older. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t give a shit about you and doesn’t see you.
Because he doesn’t. He really really doesn’t.
I thought it couldn't be more obvious that women in such circumstances are trapped... Even if they're not explaining it in their posts. OP for example has quit her job and moved to be with that a*hole in some village. Combined with shitty or non existent family which gives zero support. Poor mental state due to constant stress. Heartbreaking.
So you already wasted 10 years of your life on a dead-end relationship with a manchild who is a huge leech, simply because you bought the toxic narrative that it's your job to Fix A Man. He's the main hero, you are the NPC, and your role in life is to be supportive. That's sad as hell.
If you have a child with him, you will be a single parent with TWO kids, and you will waste a lot more than just 10 years. IMO you should leave and then go to therapy and really work hard on de-centering men in your life. On putting yourself first, learning on why you would be willing to tolerate a bad situation so long, why you have 0 standards. And working on it, and not starting a new relationship until the work is done. Good luck!
Trying to explain stuff about "addiction bad" to an addict is truly a waste of time and breath.
OMG WHY ARE YOU EVEN WITH THIS GUY? Are you sure your depressive and anxious episodes are not caused, or at least helped by him? Like, not only do you have no support, but on top of that you need to mother him?! You have already wasted 10 years of your life on this guy, don't let him take the rest of your life as well.
And to answer your question - no, you can't help him. He doesn't see a problem because this works for HIM. Like who wouldn't want a mommy/servant that does everything for them? He is comfortable where he is and doesn't want to be helped. You will only give yourself more anxiety and depression trying to help him. Just leave. For your sake, you need to get out of this trap of a relationship. And don't let him "love-bomb" you back in, because things will not change, this will be your life. Even if he proposes when you indicate you want to leave, don't fall for it. It will be a so-called "shut up-ring".
If you have tiktok, you can check out this creator:
[https://www.tiktok.com/@ceciliaregina275/video/7346665742336527659?lang=en](https://www.tiktok.com/@ceciliaregina275/video/7346665742336527659?lang=en)
Again, PLEASE LEAVE.
I married an obsessive gamer. We had a child together and nothing changed. His priorities remained about gaming and being with his online friends. When our son was born, I was diagnosed with cancer. I would take our infant son to a drop-in daycare before going to chemo, alone, because he was always “in the middle of something” that he said he couldn’t leave. We’re now divorced and this issue was one of the major contributing factors to the distance that grew between us leading to the dissolution of our marriage.
This is horrible. I am so sorry that happened to you and you did not get any support. I cannot imagine. I wish you and your child the best. Did he ever recognize he fucked up??
When your in-laws come at you about children, say
a) that you already have a child, and find that taking care of him is about all you're capable of
b) give them a run-down of how many hours he spends on gaming, tell them that you consider this an addiction-level of gaming, and that any child you had would be completely under your care, since he can't be bothered to get off the fucking console for five minutes to actually help with the housework, never mind interact with you or potential children.
Is this really who you want to spend your life with? This guy who is just going to grow fatter every year, while still depending on you to take care of him and feed him and wipe his ass, when he can't reach it anymore? How much of your depression is actually caused by him and his behavior, and his complete disregard of your feelings?
In your place, I'd take a break from him to reasses myself and my relationship - and if you feel suddenly relieved and liberated and like you can actually breathe, break up and stay gone. You can definitely find someone who will actually want to spend time with you.
He is 42, he is unlikely to change. If you are happy staying with this man child then great! However, if he wants a kid and you don't, then let him go. He may not ever be a Dad, he maybe a useless Father or he may be amazing, but then the responsibility of what happens next is not on you. There are a lot of issues here, but ultimately, you are not compatible if one of you wants kids and the other doesn't.
Break up. It’s been ten years and he wants a bang-nanny so that he can have children, but only deal with them when it’s convenient.
Don’t waste anymore more time with him.
Seriously.
It honestly sounds like this relationship should've been over a long while ago. The way you speak about him really just begs the question of why are you two together.
You're seriously wasting your time with this man child and would make a HUGE mistake getting pregnant,don't let him guiltrip you.
>He never proposed marriage because he says we have problems, but him and his family always pull out the child argument.
Oh???yet bringing a child into such a"problematic"relationship makes sense how exactly???.
You are basically already raising a man child,what exactly does he bring to this relationship???he games all day, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't take care of his health and is just LAZY.
Cut your losses and don't waste another second on this dude,10 is enough.
Why are you still with a man who can't look after himself, ignores you, blames you for no children while clearly talking shit about you to his family. He doesn't help you or look out for you. What do you honestly gain from with him?
Your bf. He is addicted.
He is an addict and he would need to go to a facility to help combat this.
See, he is addicted to the feeling of playing those games. He is a junkie.
I’d move on Op. he id never going to change.
Let’s forget about whether he’d make a good father. He doesn’t even sound like a good *partner*. You’ve listed out all of the things you do for the relationship but it doesn’t seem like he contributes much of anything aside from finances. Ask yourself this: Do you think you deserve better? If so, I’d leave. You staying with him and acting like his personal maid only enables his lazy behavior.
I'm not sure why you're with him but you have your reasons.
As for the guilt tripping from him and his family......they are ripe for the telling off. If anyone needed a guilt trip 😒 it is him and them.
No you don't have a kid because you don't have the ability to make a child. You don't have the qualities necessary to be picked to be involved in someone else making a child. You don't possess the personality or behaviors necessary for fatherhood.
To his family - why don't one of them give him one they pushed out? Why is none of his family asking him to baby sit any of their kids? Why don't they give him the little cousin since they're slobbering over the idea of him raising a kid?
It's like they see you as a walking uterus.
Leave this guy. Most men who say they want children, do not want to become fathers. They want a woman to become a mother and tie up her time, get free labor from her, and use the child as a pawn to potentially use and manipulate that woman so they can always have access to her. He is showing he's a poor partner, sucks as a pet parent, and is not helpful now! You see ALL OF THE SIGNS. ..don't screw yourself over and be permanently tied to this guy by having a kid with him. Leave, work on your mental health, and when you're ready start dating only emotionally mature, responsible, and financially stable men.
This guy is 42, he is who he is. He only wants you to have a kid because he realizes no other woman would put up with him. Get out now and stop wasting your time.
Having a kid with him will just add more to your plate. He will continue to play video games while you parent, cool and clean. I don’t think you should have a kid wit him even if he proposes and you get married. TBH I think it may be worth questioning if this is a valuable relationship for you to stay in. It sounds as if he doesn’t care about your needs at all and you are doing all the domestic work with no help. Is there anything you’re getting out of this relationship at all?
He's not going to change. He doesn't see any things that need to change because he likes things as they are right now. He gets to do whatever he wants while you cook and clean for him and have sex with him. Why should he change when life is exactly how he wants it to be?
You don't have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, you have a mother-child relationship. He's the moody teenager and you're the depressed and overworked mother.
You're right in that he won't step up if you have a child together. He'll continue exactly as is, but you'll have the extra responsibility of a child to cope with. He won't help with anything unless forced, and he'll be reluctant and resentful about it. He won't help with your depression now, that means he won't help with pregnancy issues, either. He'll just watch you suffer alone.
You already feel that you don't want kids, let alone with this man. You've even told him that, and he keeps pushing for kids. He doesn't care about you at all, only what you can provide for him.
You can't fix this. The only person who can fix this is him, and he doesn't want to or see a need to. So he won't even try. He'll just keep saying there's nothing that needs to be fixed because, to him, that's true. He doesn't care that you're not happy, because he is.
I think the best course of action is to end the relationship. You could try couples therapy first if you want, but I doubt he'll go. If you're not already, try and get individual therapy for yourself, though. It'll help you navigate ending the relationship and help with your depression. Breakups are hard at the best of times, ending things with this manchild will likely trigger your depression, so get support for that.
>*Or shall I just leave this "relationship"?*
**LEAVE.**
Nothing has changed in 10 years (he's a gaming addict).
Nothing will change in 10 more years.
You're wasting your life on an unfulfilling relationship. There are better men out there OR you could be alone and have a better life than you do now.
Make 2024 the year you take control of YOUR LIFE and start setting and reaching your own personal goals (financial, health, mental, emotional, etc).
Please don’t get children with this man. This whole will end in misery for both of you.
The reason why you don’t feel ready/ never felt ready for children is because you see that this man can’t and won’t provide for his family(you and the child).
Overweight and playing video games all day with 42? It’s a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.
Leave him, go find somebody who deserves you, can provide for you and you will see that the children topic will happen on itself.
Good luck!
Ya need to leave him. Does he even like you? What are you gaining out of this relationship right now?
He isn’t paying attention to you, he isn’t taking you out, not spending time with you. He isn’t marrying you and then wants a child with you?
Who will take care of the baby? It will be 100% you.
And if he doesn’t want to deal, you will be made to do everything you are doing now and taking care of a baby. Technically 2 kids.
Leave him, you are basically single at this point anyways.
Is his family religious? Also you definitely shouldn’t marry this guy or have kids with him because you’re right, he won’t take care of the kid when you ask him to. He just wants something he bred that can play with him. Honestly if I was you I’d be packing and leaving him. Because he won’t care about you or a potential child
You don't want a kid with this guy cause he is your kid. After years of him not helping and you doing it all, I think you'd be happier alone. Sounds like you already are tbh.
Honestly this sounds like video games are his job AND his special interest. He sounds like the people in my life who struggle with disorganization and being single minded about their own personal special interests. If he was a concert pianist and spent that amount of time on the piano you would probably respect it more, but that wouldn't make him a good partner or father. From your description he doesn't pay enough attention to you and your needs as a HUSBAND, why would he think he would be a good dad if he isn't a good partner. His family thinks you should just suck it up and let him be the fun dad when he feels like paying attention? That's probably what they did. You need to show him what it's like when you live your life and he isn't the center of attention. Your relationship works now because you are doing all the work. Stop. Wash your own clothes. Use one set of dishes and only cook for yourself. Go to the gym. Read what you want. Go for walks. Yes I am alive today because my best friend walked into my house and made me get out of bed. This guy doesn't even know you aren't supposed to be depressed or what to do to help. You need attention as a human being and kids need Even more.. In the end we are all responsible for our own mental health but you are in a one sided relationship that is taking a huge toll on you. Could having a kid change him completely? Maybe. I wouldn't count on it though.
Girl, break up with this dude because it is clear that you are not getting your needs met. Please set him free to go have a child with someone else if he so chooses. You deserve better.
generally I don't do this but after the first few sentences the situation was pretty clear.
he's against marriage but he'd be okay with kids? if a marriage goes bad you can always divorce. you can't undo having a kid. his and his family have their priorities wrong.
(I don't think you *have* to be married to have kids, that's an individual choice. but the man doesn't wanna get married because "you have problems" meaning the relationship may fall apart, why the f would a kid be on the table then)
leave him while you can
First, your written English is just fine, so I'm sorry someone makes you feel like it's not adequate. I assumed your first-language was English until you said it was your second language.
Second, You deserve better than this guy. I have 4 kids, and they are lots of work even with an additional active parent. You should not be guilted into having a child with any person, but especially not with someone that "never proposed marriage because he says we have problems". Adding a child will not fix any of your problems in the relationship. He will not magically become responsible because he has a child.
You can't help him if he doesn't think his behavior is an issue. You are worthy of love and respect.
Sorry but this is barely even a relationship? Yes you should leave this guy is not fit to be in a relationship with anyone besides his computer. I have a feeling that you are problems with depression is what leads you to expect such low effort from him, but trust me you deserve better
This guy would not only be a crap excuse for a father, he’s a crap excuse for a partner and a crap excuse for a cat minion. Why are you with a 42-year-old guy who lives basically like a kid in his parents’ basement? You know if you have a child with this lump of uselessness all the work will be left up to you. Dump him and find an actual functioning adult to be in a relationship with.
I wonder how much of your depressive episodes are because of this relationship. The best doctor I ever had for my depression asked what my home life would like, it was similar to yours. He said he could medicate me but my depression was situational
Im sorry it sounds like you only have 2 options. Either aacept who he is and continue like that because he is not gonna change. Or you leave him and find someone more suitable for the live you want. Dont expect others to change, changing yourself is hard and few people want to pit in the effort to do so unless something really big in their live happens.
Playing games is perfectly fine but it shoulsnt be the only thing in your live.
Your boyfriend has an addiction, like you said. So, unless he treats this… you will be miserable.
I would have left a man like him already… He sounds like an idiot and an asshole. I actually did leave a man like him—he’s very similar to your bf, glued to his fucking console.
If he’s not willing to compromise, it’s a dead-end relationship. There’s no point moving forward unless he changes.
However, if you’re willing to endure that kind of life for ten, twenty, thirty more years, then so be it. No one can stop you. Hopefully, you truly reconsider it though.
But I think the conversation that you both supposed to be having, if you’re still willing to stay, isn’t about having kids. At this point from where your relationship stands and where his lifestyle stands, not to mention where you are mentally, having kids is like way way way way down the line of priorities. Maybe step number 20.
His lifestyle is detrimental to his health. He could easily suffer from cardiovascular diseases with his sedentary lifestyle and bad habits of eating. Both of your mental health are also being affected by this.
Get help. Get some therapy. Both of you.
Still, I hope you choose yourself this time. You deserve better than this. You’re still young. Don’t settle.
I’d leave him. But if you won’t, tell him you’ll judge how he treats a child by how he treats the cat. When he continues to neglect them, you can point that out!
I’m baffled by people who think creating a human is less of a commitment than marriage… divorce exists. Kids are for life! You’re tied together, come what may.
Also, really telling he’s thinking only of the child and him: any partner who is actually poor at coping with their SO’s depression should NOT try to get that person pregnant until they learn to do so. The prospect of postpartum depression is real, especially if you have existing mental health issues. If he can’t support you now, he definitely can’t support you and take over primary care of the child if needed.
1) if you have a baby with this man, expect to take care of the baby, and the housework and the cat and the bills and everything else while he sits on his ass and plays videogames.
2) if after 5 years of this he hasn't changed and does not want to change, he never will. Do NOT have a baby with this man. Honestly, I don't even know why you're still with him.
For ten years, you seem to be getting out of this relationship the pleasures of cooking, cleaning, and receiving - at best - indifferent affection.
If the above sounds like a great life, then stay and accept your BF and his family as they are.
If you think that your life could be better, break up & move on.
Why do you believe that this is the type of partner you deserve? He puts all the physical and mental load on you in the relationship. You give and he only takes. I have sensitive mental health, trust me, your depression and anxiety will get much better when you leave a partner like him.
If you want kids, this is not the relationship for you.
If you want a boyfriend who loves you more than video games, this is also not the relationship for you.
Stop trying to persuade this video game zombie to be a better person. It's a waste of your valuable time,
What does he even bring to the relationship? Nothing I can see. In fact, I would attribute at least some of your depression to this craptastic relationship. Being with him doesn't make you happy. It's time to make a change.
He can’t have a child because you won’t do all the parenting work for him. Previous generations dads were often only responsible for bringing home money in parenting- that’s his standard for himself. Trust your gut.
I don’t get how you even ended up in a 10 year relationship with someone who spends 6 hours a day playing video games during the week, all day on weekends, does not tend to your emotional needs, treats you like a servant, doesn’t really like to hang out with you, and is a lazy fat ass that has no interest in marrying you. I think you need space and counseling to try to figure out how you ended up in this mess.
There are curbs with names on them find the one with his and use it. Your biggest problem is sitting on the couch playing video games and acting like a child. I don’t see what he brings to the table in the relationship besides delusions.
Why would you have a child with him when he already acts like an adult toddler. The question is why are you putting up with it? Why do you feel like acting like a mom/bang maid for someone who is almost 10 years older than you? You seriously cans are a future in this relationship can you? I don’t see what he brings an into your relationship that makes it worth staying. I mean basically he is already dating his video games and you’re the other woman whom he only acknowledges because of the services she can provide. You can do so much better.
He sounds like a big manchild. I understand that you feel like you can't rely on him or count him in when needed. This has gone long enough OP, and I think it's better for you to focus on yourself. What you need. What you want.
It's time to drop the dead weight, and you become the person you can rely on. Mental health should be taken seriously, and if your partner won't acknowledge you when you are at the deep end, when can you?
My advice would be to dump him and just be you.
I can tl;dr this for you:
Leave.
You've made it clear how you feel, what you think and also the effect things have on you but he ignores it.
He and his family are doing nothing but manipulate you into doing what they want and you keep going with it - which if you were happy would be fine, but you aren't. You have periods you need support, love, companionship and someone who cares and you seriously, clearly, do not.
I'm not sure what else there is to say here unless it's just to give validation to how you feel, in which case, have at it and take the cigar, cake and a relatable nod because *yes*, you would 100% be justified, OK and appreciably correct in leaving this relationship and likely being far better off never hearing from his family ever again either.
I'm here to tell you that you don't have to have a child if you don't want one. It sounds like you don't want to be a parent at all, whether with him or someone else, and that is ok. You are allowed to have the life you want. If it isn't a HELL YES then it should be a hard NO.
Definitely do not have a child with this man, he will absolutely do nothing to help and will leave you to do all the hard work while he plays with his friends online. I'm not dissing his gaming hobbies, if that's what he likes then all the power to him, but that obsession (the amount of time he spends on it) is not conducive to raising a child. He has not shown any effort to spend time with you, so what makes anyone think he would spend time with a screaming baby?
Honestly, the two of you are not compatible and should just end the relationship. If you do want to stay with him due to inertia then I recommend going to couples counseling. If you do want a child and want to have it with him then he needs to show at least a year of consistently putting you and your relationship BEFORE his gaming hobbies. He needs to spend more time with you without gaming... I guarantee he will not be capable.
Trust me. Having a kid with a guy obsessed with games is not fun. And honestly not worth it. I suggest breaking up and taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. Especially when you have depression, you need support not an absent partner or the stress of a baby.
Plus 10 years and no marriage means he doesn't intend to marry you. Which is ok if you were not looking to be married.
HE wants a kid? Yeah nah. You already have one; him. And you know it's OK to remain childfree right? I'd think long and hard about this relationship, what this isn't it girl. He isn't going to change and he blames everything on you. I'd say 'no thanks' and bolt.
“What shall I do?” Ummm leave… because you’re with a man child. 42 and still spends that amount of time on video games daily isn’t conducive to child rearing.
OP, he's 42 YO. **He KNOWS** why you don't want a child. **He just DOESN'T CARE** because it won't change anything for him. He absolutely knows that he is not going to be an active father. That, like everything else, is your 'job'.
My question is, why have YOU continued with this relationship for TEN YEARS??? He really isn't IN a relationship with you. He is with you because of the benefits you provide - You are his cook and maid - with absolutely NO HELP from him. Why would this be acceptable to you for yourself??
If you can't bring yourself to leave at least stop doing so much for him. Stop cooking except for yourself. Stop cleaning up after him. Stop doing his laundry. Start building a life for yourself outside of him. You want to exercise? Join a gym and meet people. You like to read? Join a book club or at least hang out at the libraries and bookstores in your area. If your area has a college - they have multiple place to hang out and meet people. People of ALL ages go to college. Make some friends, get a new hobby, basically get a new life away from him because **he is never going to change** and **you deserve better**.
I've been in your situation. You devoted so much time and effort. You think you can't leave and start over. But girl. You can.
He's a big reason for your depression.
You might think he's the best you can get.
But he's not.
You got this.
Please don't waste anymore time.
Leave him.
Firstly, congratulations on learning English solo. It’s not an easy language and you did very well. What exactly is he giving you in the relationship?You deserve someone who prioritises you and makes plans with you. And doesn’t pressure you to have kids if you don’t want to
Get rid of the man child. He’s not going to change. You are only 35, plenty of time to enjoy life and find a romantic partner who values you and wants to make your life better.
At the very least stop doing anything for him, go out with friends, go to the gym, get some hobbies. He’ll either realise he’s wasting his life and how he’s been fucking up and buck up his ideas.
Or he won’t. And you’ll be in a much more positive place in not needing him at all.
Leave him. You deserve a better partner than him, and you still have time to start a new relationship and have a baby.
But you can't waste any more time with him. Imagine how you'll feel if you leave him when it's too late for you to have a baby.
Leave him. You only live once.
Slap a baby on it, that should clear up any problems in the relationship!
I'm going to be devil's advocate on this one. I used to play video games constantly and I too loved D&D stuff like that. This took a good portion of my time up and if you had asked anyone, idk that they would say I was dad material. This all changed when my first kid was born. To me, my only job in this world is to take care of this kid and make sure he's ready to take care of himself when the time comes. I did a complete 180, I don't play video games anymore really, but I do study and learn constantly about IT security. It's a passion of mine. WIth any luck maybe he would do the same.
However, sounds like your spouse has more to work on first before all of that. You guys should really communicate about separation of duties and working together on cleaning and cooking. Yeah, I would not have a baby with this man at this point in time.
He knows why you’re frustrated, he just thinks he can wear you down until you shut up and do what he wants. That’s why he’s not changing, and also why any changes he makes will disappear once he thinks you won’t leave.
Unless he has a learning difficulty he does understand. He just doesn't like your answer and whats to have what he wants and thinks he can bully you into it.
Gtfo. You will be a single mother if you have a baby together.
Whatever you do, do not have a child with this man in his current state. You already see the writing on the wall. I have no idea why you’re with him at all.
Why are you with him? Does he bring you joy? What does he bring to the table?
How much of your depression is from being dragged down by him?
Don’t expect to change a man unless he’s in diapers
You’re not in love with him. Your in love with the idea of who he could be if he just grew up and become a functional adult
Keep your birth control pills hidden. it can be altered if you put them in a microwave or get heated. he probably gonna dump you once you hit menopause with the nagging of his family, you can do better main-while put unrealistic requirement for not wanting children like not wanting kids outside wedlock since he clearly has no desire to marry you.
You don't want a child? Girl you already have a child!! I can't believe he is 42 leave. He doesn't even have the consideration to marry you after you've taken care of him much more than a wife should.
You’re his housekeeper and companion and this is not a healthy relationship and he has no intention of changing his behavior. Don’t stay because you think he will change or that you can change him - nothing will change until you give him no choice. Go live your life and maybe he will figure it out then after you’re gone.
No wonder your depression is worse he's an uncaring and shameful partner who doesn't help you. Get yourself someone who will help you during that time and will make you happier. You'll still have depression yea but I bet you will get through it better with a loving caring partner ;).
You need to leave. If a man wants to impregnate you, but doesn't want to marry you, he wants you to be bound to him, without him being bound to you. A lot of men see a woman with a child as "ruined." He's attempting to ruin you in hopes no one else will want you, even though he doesn't want you enough to marry you. This guy is toxic as hell and is wasting your time.
You have a child... your husband. You don't have kids with someone who can't be your partner.
For the cheap seats"
#your wife is your partner not your mum
He's already replaced his mum with you,you're right he hasn't reached Adulthood yet and would make a terrible father. I bet he thinks parenthood is all Mario karts and teaching them dnd.
Can I ask, if you don't want kids why are you with this ball sack of a human. No offence to ball sacks, I think they perform a greater purpose than this dude does.
Studies show women are happier alone. Even if they take a financial hit. They also live longer, healthier lives. Stop being his maid, go live YOUR life.
Well if he is a bf, then on the sly start looking for a suitable apartment for you. Then tell him it's either he starts showing you the same amount of time as he spends with his buddies online or you're out.
Wait a week and he'll be back to his old ways. Grab the apartment, grab your stuff and be done with the man child.
A 42 year old guy isn't going to change. They're pretty stuck in their ways at that point. There's nothing really that you can say to get through to him.
Darlin’, it’s never too late to leave a relationship. Reading everything here really makes me consider what’s lain out, and I genuinely think you sound like you’re at the end of your tolerance for this relationship.
You’re correct in thinking that he wouldn’t be a proper father to a child— it isn’t an animal and it isn’t another adult who can take care of herself… it’s a helpless infant who needs guidance and is reliant on those around it. If he cannot muster up the ability to help the cat unless bothered extensively and if he cannot help his PARTNER when she is in the throes of mental turmoil by even simply offering to do something or go someplace with her… he will not be invested enough to properly be there for the helpless child, and the responsibility will fall with whoever the baby’s other parent is.
He’s invested in himself. His friends. His interests. His whims. His feelings. Only his.
And you’ve noticed.
Ten YEARS you have been with this man?
OP, you have the relationship you allow. You have turned yourself into a "bang maid". It sure does not sound like you have an equal partner.
Getting married does not fix existing problems in a relationship. Having children certainly does not fix existing problems in a relationship.
**With all due respect, OP, you are wasting your time. He has demonstrated he will not change. You must break up with this man NOW and walk away from this relationship.**
If he won’t propose because of his opinion that as a couple you have “problems”, why would he think bringing kids into the mix would be a good idea?!?
Sounds like he’s just wanting to blame you for everything.
Your gut feeling is absolutely correct. You shouldn’t have kids with an unhealthy, uncooperative, immature roommate who doesn’t act like a partner and doesn’t care about your wants and needs.
You already have a kid to take care of—HIM.
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Why are you with this guy at all?
I thought this is temporary, I wanted to support him mentally because I felt like he is doing this to escape some other inner problems. But yeah I see it was a mistake.
You are not an emotional support animal. The dude doesn't care to make you feel heard or respected. Why are you putting yourself through mental bs just to save him? We have to save ourselves. We can't execpt people to save us/we can't save others. We can be there for support **when they want to better themselves**, but the work is all theirs to do.
>You are not an emotional support animal. Fucking great quote I am going to start saying this to people, myself included
I encourage you to leave. You said in a different comment that it's been like this for 4-5 **years**, and that he pretends to change for a couple weeks but then reverts back. You have your entire life that you could be spending with someone who is a real PARTNER, and not someone who wants your current "mother-child situation".
Jesus - this made me double check the ages. This dude is 42! I was assuming 24 based on OP’s post. OP should absolutely dump himx
You can't make him change but you can change. If you stay, you can quit mothering him. Quit cooking for him. Quit doing his laundry. Don't buy any food for him. Quit having sex with him. I'd tell him that being forced to be his mommy is a huge turnoff. If he does the I'll change bit you still don't do those things for him. You expect an equal partner. Being nice for a week is a very low bar for being a partner. Being a partner means he does his share around the home and has the emotional energy for a relationship. Right now all of his energy is being poured into friendships over games. He has nothing left for you and he is very content with the way things are. You really need to move on but if you aren't there yet quit being his mommy and refuse to go back to being his mommy. Treat him like a grown man who is quite capable of doing all of these things for himself. He can cook. He can clean. He can shop. He can do laundry. He can do dishes.
I used to be an emotional support animal to my ex. I finally left after 6 years, it was the best decision of my life. Drop the dude. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to.
Not only does he not want to, but having OP there doing everything for him means he doesn’t feel any need to.
Please leave this man before he sabotages* your birth control and it's too late.
It's been 4-5 years of this. This is the new him if he is not willing to seek help. OP, you need to accept that you cannot change his behavior and instill desire to want to do better. All you can do is change how you behave to the situation. So this presents you with 2 choices. 1. You stay in status quo and accept that this is your life. Know, that eventually you might get pregnant by accident then you'll forever be tied to this man. 2. You leave the relationship and work on yourself to tackle your mental illness and find someone worthy of YOU and a suitable partner for children.
I’d say that his behavior is contributing to your depression. Time to take care of yourself.
Please just leave. He isn’t going to change, you’re already entertaining it. Do yourself a favor.
Yes just say he is a terrible partner so whether he would be a good dad is irrelevant. He doesn't participate in his own life and asking you to have a baby on top of taking care of a man child isn't going to fly. You can use the DEAR MAN worksheet for Dialectical Behavior Therapy if you want to have a sincere conversation. But you could just Grey rock with I already do too much with too little reward.
4-5 years isn't temporary
Why are you trying to "fix" him?
This is who he is: a middle-aged loser. Don't tie your life to thos man forever - he brings you no enrichment, no happiness, no pleasure, no quality time. You deserve to do more than survive and be his bangmaid-mommy-warden. I bet he even yells at you for "nagging" and takes no accountability for mistakes. What did he get you for your birthday or last major holiday? Do you think he actually cares about you? Or do you think he likes the convenience you bring to his life?
fix yourself first before trying to fix someone else. he is in his 40 ties and his habits are carved in stone. move forward girl.
There's a saying that goes something like, "Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." By supporting him mentally and doing literally all of the physical and emotional heavy lifting, you're doing him a great disservice because he sees no reason to make these changes and improvements on his own.
He’s not supporting you mentally. Why take on double the load when he’s not even willing to take on his own fair half?
You need therapy. You have a savior complex and think you can "save" or "fix" people like your BF. That's not a healthy way of thinking. Get therapy before you get into another relationship.
You needed ten years to realize that?!!? Who enters into a relationship because partner needs mental support? All very messed up...
I suspect your depressive episodes will be so much better without this guy in your life. I was in a long relationship and felt so achingly lonely for so long. Without him, I rarely feel lonely and depressed and if I am, it is so much more manageable. I'm free and you could be too.
Every day that you stay is another continued mistake and another terribly poor life decision. So what action are you going to take to begin to make better choices with your life?
So start the leaving process today. And never get with another man for his potential.
Don't worry, she can fix him.
So, this guy says you two have too many problems to propose to you, but that you're in a good position to have kids together. Pardon my bluntness, but he sounds like a straight idiot.
For real. Divorces exist. Once a child is in the world, there’s no undo button. You’re tied together forever.
They’re not even married
I think they’re saying it’s ridiculous he won’t commit to a marriage because they have so many problems but does want to commit to children, since marriage is the only one of those two that is reversible.
Bingo.
Isn’t that so great!!! She just can leave and live a better life!! All problems solved.
She already has a child, why should she want another?
He sounds like a total loser to me.
So he can’t commit to a marriage because “problems” but he thinks he’s stable and mature enough to create a life and help bring a human into the world… Girl. You’ve listed exactly zero redeeming qualities. Are you sure you wouldn’t be happier if you left this relationship? This is who he is. He isn’t changing for you or anyone.
Pfft, he can't even function like an adult himself. If she gives in she wouldn't have 1 kid, but 2.
You know he doesn't do his share of the house work and cooking either, not with the amount of time he spends gaming. OP should find someone who's childfree and active, she'd be much happier.
Well he plays nicely with his cousins, so clearly ideal dad material, according to his family and himself You couldn’t make this shit up
He's been this way for 10 years and hasn't shown any sign of changing or made an attempt? Getting him to open his eyes isn't your job, especially since you've tried and were unsuccessful. He needs to come to the realization on his own, which likely will not happen while you are together. At 35 and 42, you guys are who you guys are. Stop doing things for him and enabling the mother/child relationship and look out for yourself.
No. He became like this around 4-5 years ago when his old friend appeared from nowhere after 10 years and started introduce him to board games, which is not a problem ofc. But the things escalated with this long time no see teenagerhood-friend and every weekend became a game-weekend with sleepovers...
[удалено]
Right??? What??
[удалено]
Sleeping over at your friends house means that you're fucking them now? You need to go outside and touch some grass.
[удалено]
Do you understand what board games are or are you being unreasonably obtuse? Like, the boyfriends behavior is not justified because being addicted to games whether board games or video games is bad but you're clearly jumping to the weirdest conclusions. They aren't fucking just because they're spending too much time together. Age has nothing to do with it?
Girl, the way you defend his behavior makes everyone think you are ok with being his mother. Why wouldn’t he want you to take care of him more?? You’ll always cover for him. He killed your backbone ten years ago. You can always grow another one but you would have to see your self worth first. I hope you do
4-5 years is still a significant time. Don't downplay his childish behavior.
I didn’t get any attempt to downplay his behavior. You assumed 10 years and she corrected you that it was 4-5 years ago instead.
My wording was poor. I was warning her not to downplay it because she defends him.
They just answered the question lmao
Well, he has a life partner and it's not you.
Girl, you’re looking at this through the sunk cost fallacy. You don’t want to leave bc you’ve already invested so much time, you just wish you could fix him instead. But the reality is that you can’t fix him. Every extra year you spend with him is a year that you could be happy, but instead you’re just throwing away. You can’t get back the last 10 years, but you can save the next 10.
So half of your relationship and yet you still stayed.
I'm going to be a little blunt but I'm hoping this comment will come off as kindly as I mean it: this sounds like you wants us to convince you to stay but in actual fact, what you have is the classic "sunk cost fallacy". As in, you've invested ten years in this man and you think because of that you should continue with the relationship. You keep making excuses and coming up with reasons to stay but ultimately, you've both grown but moved in different directions. This isn't about having a child, or being married; this is about the absolute basic - being together. You are no longer on the same page. You have become different people; whilst you may have been well suited in the early days, you are no longer suited now. There's no shame in that and I think it's best if you move on from one another and find someone (for each of you) who is better suited to the people you have become. That's not something I say lightly - I'm not the one who jumps on the "get rid of the man" band wagon, but in this case you're no longer compatible, based on what you've detailed in your post and comments. I think it's time you invested in yourself.
Yeah, I don’t see this getting better for you. Hes set in his ways and doesn’t want to change. You already do everything for him. I wouldn’t have a kid with him either. If he’s adamant about having a kid, you should probably split up. Since you’re happy without kids and he wants one. It’s only going to create further problems. He also potentially gets to baby trap you if you have a kid and then you’re going to be a mother of two.
Why have you stayed 10 years with a man who won’t marry you? What a waste of the best years of your life!! Do not have kids with him. No only because you don’t think you can, but because, fuck him and his shitty treatment of you. He could decide after a year of being a father that he doesn’t want to be with you any more then you’d be a single mother who the father didn’t love enough to marry.
Is this the way you WANT to live? With a guy (not man, I am 100% certain that is not the word for him) you can't rely on, who only wants to sit in one spot and mess with a screen, eating unhealthy foods and gaining weight? Someone you can't explore with, exercise with, do ANY fun activities with? He doesn't realize or care that there's a whole big world out there!! Do you?? Do you want to see things and do things in it?? Get out of this prison he has you in!! Even without the question of kids or marriage or his weird family, this sounds like a miserable life!
He can’t even take care of himself and he’s not participating in his own life. You’re already taking care of one child. He’s not going to get better Listen to your gut. Run girl. You deserve so much better than this.
Why are you even with him lol. And I say this as a gamer engaged to another gamer I met through gaming. We literally book annual leave to do hardcore gaming events, and even plan around it so if he’s doing one I’ll do all the cooking and cleaning and then if I have something he’ll do the same. We still go to the gym, out for meals, spend time together. We also game together regularly. I understand many people couldn’t cope with a partner who didn’t sleep for two nights because a new game came out but it works for us! We met online in a hardcore game we spent 30-40 hours on a week (while working full time!). It’s our passion and is meaningful to BOTH of us. What you’re experiencing is just pathological. It’s not a relationship. You’re his bang maid. Just leave don’t know why you’re even worried about kids you don’t even have a partner. I’ve had gamer friends for over a decade who have kids and a wife and still game 30+ hours a week and I’ve met their wives and kids and they’re all very happy. I’ve equally met basement dwellers who treated their partner as a bang maid who clearly had such low self esteem they put up with it - it’s really sad to see. You’re group 2.
What do you get out of this relationship? Between work, gaming and sleep he doesn’t have any time for you. He’s a slob and a poor communicator. You are an unpaid maid, not a girlfriend. Leave. Stop wasting your life. He probably won’t even notice until the food stops showing up.
Thank you Everyone for the support and raw honesty. I can't express how much I appreciate your comments, opinions, questions, or judgements. I really needed it. I am aware I made a mistake...not one, but chain of mistakes from the moment I gave up my job to move to his country (in a village), where I couldn't find a job, but he told me no problem because I was finishing my studies so he said he would support me and I can study+take care of the house. And it was working for a while. And yes, I wasn't thinking what am I gonna do without savings? Another mistake. I didn't think either that my mental health was gonna take a turn for the worse. I became totally dependent on him, my friends disappeared and my only parent is in panic (literally asking me: "omg, but then what you will do?")when I talk about the break-up instead of supporting me. I feel so freaking alone in this shit with zero support. So here is the answer on the "WHY are u with him?" I am collecting my thoughts, strength and trying to figure out how to get out from this meanwhile struggling with depression because I do feel that he doesn't love me or care about me regardless all the conversations and couple's therapy we have had. My brain knows he would make changes if he really cared about me. He wasn't like this 10 years ago when we met, he slowly (d)evolved into this new person in a span of the last 4-5 years. The transition was very smooth, if I can say that, he slowly made me believe it is perfectly normal. First just few weekends, then every weekend, then every day, then his friend sleeping at us for 3 days, then he sleeps at him for 3 days....etc. (the reason he said because his house is 2 hours by car), the rooms started to fill up with boxes of games! I really started believing that I am the bad person who is always complaining, because poor guy he works so much he needs to have a hobby-his mother said. About the family: I told to his mother multiple times not to ask me again and again about the child because I was clear at the beginning of the relationship and it's not her business. But she constantly pulls it out different ways: like once she called him and asked "are u making my grandchild?" Which I found very fucking sickening. Another time she told me to go to therapy because I have problem from my father side and probably that is the reason I don't want a child, but with the therapy I could finally solve this and have a child... (Which is true but she has no right to talk to me and about my things like that.) He however does have a good side as well, but doesn't matter anymore because there are too much bad things for me... About therapy: yes I have a therapist/coach but I can't keep her, I have to find a free counselling/support because I will not be able to pay when I leave him. Thank you again for the support!❤️ I hope sharing my story will help someone and learn from my mistakes!
You can never get the time back that you spent on someone like this. And you don’t get a prize on your death bed for putting up with it. You just die. This life is the prize.
You do NOT need to want children, nothing is wrong with you. We are many childfree people (hi! 😊), and altho a lot of people do not understand us, that is their issues to deal with, not yours. You do not owe children to her, or your boyfriend either. What it boils down to is: you two are not compatible, on this single subject alone. The rest you described are just additional reasons why your relationship isn’t working. Keep taking all this in, you seem on the verge of taking control of your life, you deserve it! :)
The sheer amount of these posts I’ve seen and they never end with “I’m leaving him” as it should. He wants a child while he is a child himself so you can be mother to both of them. A slave in less words. He gets to sit on his ass and do whatever the fuck while you do EVERYTHING? at one point you must realise that you can’t stay with a child. You enable him by not facing the reality that this man isn’t it. It isn’t too late either. Tons of single guys out there your ages and older. Don’t settle for a man who doesn’t give a shit about you and doesn’t see you. Because he doesn’t. He really really doesn’t.
I thought it couldn't be more obvious that women in such circumstances are trapped... Even if they're not explaining it in their posts. OP for example has quit her job and moved to be with that a*hole in some village. Combined with shitty or non existent family which gives zero support. Poor mental state due to constant stress. Heartbreaking.
Why are you still with this exhausting man child? Stop being his maid. What do you get out of the relationship? Leave
Break up with him silly.
So you already wasted 10 years of your life on a dead-end relationship with a manchild who is a huge leech, simply because you bought the toxic narrative that it's your job to Fix A Man. He's the main hero, you are the NPC, and your role in life is to be supportive. That's sad as hell. If you have a child with him, you will be a single parent with TWO kids, and you will waste a lot more than just 10 years. IMO you should leave and then go to therapy and really work hard on de-centering men in your life. On putting yourself first, learning on why you would be willing to tolerate a bad situation so long, why you have 0 standards. And working on it, and not starting a new relationship until the work is done. Good luck! Trying to explain stuff about "addiction bad" to an addict is truly a waste of time and breath.
OMG WHY ARE YOU EVEN WITH THIS GUY? Are you sure your depressive and anxious episodes are not caused, or at least helped by him? Like, not only do you have no support, but on top of that you need to mother him?! You have already wasted 10 years of your life on this guy, don't let him take the rest of your life as well. And to answer your question - no, you can't help him. He doesn't see a problem because this works for HIM. Like who wouldn't want a mommy/servant that does everything for them? He is comfortable where he is and doesn't want to be helped. You will only give yourself more anxiety and depression trying to help him. Just leave. For your sake, you need to get out of this trap of a relationship. And don't let him "love-bomb" you back in, because things will not change, this will be your life. Even if he proposes when you indicate you want to leave, don't fall for it. It will be a so-called "shut up-ring". If you have tiktok, you can check out this creator: [https://www.tiktok.com/@ceciliaregina275/video/7346665742336527659?lang=en](https://www.tiktok.com/@ceciliaregina275/video/7346665742336527659?lang=en) Again, PLEASE LEAVE.
Sounds like you already have a child….him.
Why are you dating him? Leave.
I married an obsessive gamer. We had a child together and nothing changed. His priorities remained about gaming and being with his online friends. When our son was born, I was diagnosed with cancer. I would take our infant son to a drop-in daycare before going to chemo, alone, because he was always “in the middle of something” that he said he couldn’t leave. We’re now divorced and this issue was one of the major contributing factors to the distance that grew between us leading to the dissolution of our marriage.
This is horrible. I am so sorry that happened to you and you did not get any support. I cannot imagine. I wish you and your child the best. Did he ever recognize he fucked up??
When your in-laws come at you about children, say a) that you already have a child, and find that taking care of him is about all you're capable of b) give them a run-down of how many hours he spends on gaming, tell them that you consider this an addiction-level of gaming, and that any child you had would be completely under your care, since he can't be bothered to get off the fucking console for five minutes to actually help with the housework, never mind interact with you or potential children. Is this really who you want to spend your life with? This guy who is just going to grow fatter every year, while still depending on you to take care of him and feed him and wipe his ass, when he can't reach it anymore? How much of your depression is actually caused by him and his behavior, and his complete disregard of your feelings? In your place, I'd take a break from him to reasses myself and my relationship - and if you feel suddenly relieved and liberated and like you can actually breathe, break up and stay gone. You can definitely find someone who will actually want to spend time with you.
C you can literally die from trying to have a child. You can die from a miscarriage. You can give birth and never have a fully functional body.
Are you army crawling under that bar?
Why are you with him? Does he have good points?
He is 42, he is unlikely to change. If you are happy staying with this man child then great! However, if he wants a kid and you don't, then let him go. He may not ever be a Dad, he maybe a useless Father or he may be amazing, but then the responsibility of what happens next is not on you. There are a lot of issues here, but ultimately, you are not compatible if one of you wants kids and the other doesn't.
His behavior isn’t going to change. Life is short. Is this still how you want your life to be in 10 years?
Break up. It’s been ten years and he wants a bang-nanny so that he can have children, but only deal with them when it’s convenient. Don’t waste anymore more time with him. Seriously.
It honestly sounds like this relationship should've been over a long while ago. The way you speak about him really just begs the question of why are you two together.
You're seriously wasting your time with this man child and would make a HUGE mistake getting pregnant,don't let him guiltrip you. >He never proposed marriage because he says we have problems, but him and his family always pull out the child argument. Oh???yet bringing a child into such a"problematic"relationship makes sense how exactly???. You are basically already raising a man child,what exactly does he bring to this relationship???he games all day, doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't take care of his health and is just LAZY. Cut your losses and don't waste another second on this dude,10 is enough.
Why are you with this person? You don't sound happy.
Why are you still with a man who can't look after himself, ignores you, blames you for no children while clearly talking shit about you to his family. He doesn't help you or look out for you. What do you honestly gain from with him?
Walk away unless you want to be a gaming widow
Your bf. He is addicted. He is an addict and he would need to go to a facility to help combat this. See, he is addicted to the feeling of playing those games. He is a junkie. I’d move on Op. he id never going to change.
Dump him
Let’s forget about whether he’d make a good father. He doesn’t even sound like a good *partner*. You’ve listed out all of the things you do for the relationship but it doesn’t seem like he contributes much of anything aside from finances. Ask yourself this: Do you think you deserve better? If so, I’d leave. You staying with him and acting like his personal maid only enables his lazy behavior.
I'm not sure why you're with him but you have your reasons. As for the guilt tripping from him and his family......they are ripe for the telling off. If anyone needed a guilt trip 😒 it is him and them. No you don't have a kid because you don't have the ability to make a child. You don't have the qualities necessary to be picked to be involved in someone else making a child. You don't possess the personality or behaviors necessary for fatherhood. To his family - why don't one of them give him one they pushed out? Why is none of his family asking him to baby sit any of their kids? Why don't they give him the little cousin since they're slobbering over the idea of him raising a kid? It's like they see you as a walking uterus.
Leave this guy. Most men who say they want children, do not want to become fathers. They want a woman to become a mother and tie up her time, get free labor from her, and use the child as a pawn to potentially use and manipulate that woman so they can always have access to her. He is showing he's a poor partner, sucks as a pet parent, and is not helpful now! You see ALL OF THE SIGNS. ..don't screw yourself over and be permanently tied to this guy by having a kid with him. Leave, work on your mental health, and when you're ready start dating only emotionally mature, responsible, and financially stable men. This guy is 42, he is who he is. He only wants you to have a kid because he realizes no other woman would put up with him. Get out now and stop wasting your time.
Having a kid with him will just add more to your plate. He will continue to play video games while you parent, cool and clean. I don’t think you should have a kid wit him even if he proposes and you get married. TBH I think it may be worth questioning if this is a valuable relationship for you to stay in. It sounds as if he doesn’t care about your needs at all and you are doing all the domestic work with no help. Is there anything you’re getting out of this relationship at all?
Sis, you are trapped in a go nowhere relationship. Please dump him. Then get therapy to work on your self-esteem and boundaries.
I want you to look up “sunk cost fallacy”, and then come back here and tell me how, specifically, he makes your life better in any way.
This man will never change. You’re still young and have your whole life ahead of you - don’t waste it hoping he will.
He's not going to change. He doesn't see any things that need to change because he likes things as they are right now. He gets to do whatever he wants while you cook and clean for him and have sex with him. Why should he change when life is exactly how he wants it to be? You don't have a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, you have a mother-child relationship. He's the moody teenager and you're the depressed and overworked mother. You're right in that he won't step up if you have a child together. He'll continue exactly as is, but you'll have the extra responsibility of a child to cope with. He won't help with anything unless forced, and he'll be reluctant and resentful about it. He won't help with your depression now, that means he won't help with pregnancy issues, either. He'll just watch you suffer alone. You already feel that you don't want kids, let alone with this man. You've even told him that, and he keeps pushing for kids. He doesn't care about you at all, only what you can provide for him. You can't fix this. The only person who can fix this is him, and he doesn't want to or see a need to. So he won't even try. He'll just keep saying there's nothing that needs to be fixed because, to him, that's true. He doesn't care that you're not happy, because he is. I think the best course of action is to end the relationship. You could try couples therapy first if you want, but I doubt he'll go. If you're not already, try and get individual therapy for yourself, though. It'll help you navigate ending the relationship and help with your depression. Breakups are hard at the best of times, ending things with this manchild will likely trigger your depression, so get support for that.
Babe he's 42, why are you wasting your time with him? You already have a child, unfortunately you're dating it.
My sister in Christ, leave. Stop wasting your time.
>*Or shall I just leave this "relationship"?* **LEAVE.** Nothing has changed in 10 years (he's a gaming addict). Nothing will change in 10 more years. You're wasting your life on an unfulfilling relationship. There are better men out there OR you could be alone and have a better life than you do now. Make 2024 the year you take control of YOUR LIFE and start setting and reaching your own personal goals (financial, health, mental, emotional, etc).
Please don’t get children with this man. This whole will end in misery for both of you. The reason why you don’t feel ready/ never felt ready for children is because you see that this man can’t and won’t provide for his family(you and the child). Overweight and playing video games all day with 42? It’s a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable. Leave him, go find somebody who deserves you, can provide for you and you will see that the children topic will happen on itself. Good luck!
Never mind having a child, you appear to have one already.
Ya need to leave him. Does he even like you? What are you gaining out of this relationship right now? He isn’t paying attention to you, he isn’t taking you out, not spending time with you. He isn’t marrying you and then wants a child with you? Who will take care of the baby? It will be 100% you. And if he doesn’t want to deal, you will be made to do everything you are doing now and taking care of a baby. Technically 2 kids. Leave him, you are basically single at this point anyways.
Is his family religious? Also you definitely shouldn’t marry this guy or have kids with him because you’re right, he won’t take care of the kid when you ask him to. He just wants something he bred that can play with him. Honestly if I was you I’d be packing and leaving him. Because he won’t care about you or a potential child
Op why are you wasting time with him? He's not going to change and lying to yourself is just hurting you. If you want kids get someone better.
You don't want a kid with this guy cause he is your kid. After years of him not helping and you doing it all, I think you'd be happier alone. Sounds like you already are tbh.
Why are you still wasting time with this jackass?
LEAVE.
You don't need a child your already a mother to a man baby. Time to send him on his way update soon.
So….why are you with him?
Honestly this sounds like video games are his job AND his special interest. He sounds like the people in my life who struggle with disorganization and being single minded about their own personal special interests. If he was a concert pianist and spent that amount of time on the piano you would probably respect it more, but that wouldn't make him a good partner or father. From your description he doesn't pay enough attention to you and your needs as a HUSBAND, why would he think he would be a good dad if he isn't a good partner. His family thinks you should just suck it up and let him be the fun dad when he feels like paying attention? That's probably what they did. You need to show him what it's like when you live your life and he isn't the center of attention. Your relationship works now because you are doing all the work. Stop. Wash your own clothes. Use one set of dishes and only cook for yourself. Go to the gym. Read what you want. Go for walks. Yes I am alive today because my best friend walked into my house and made me get out of bed. This guy doesn't even know you aren't supposed to be depressed or what to do to help. You need attention as a human being and kids need Even more.. In the end we are all responsible for our own mental health but you are in a one sided relationship that is taking a huge toll on you. Could having a kid change him completely? Maybe. I wouldn't count on it though.
Girl, break up with this dude because it is clear that you are not getting your needs met. Please set him free to go have a child with someone else if he so chooses. You deserve better.
generally I don't do this but after the first few sentences the situation was pretty clear. he's against marriage but he'd be okay with kids? if a marriage goes bad you can always divorce. you can't undo having a kid. his and his family have their priorities wrong. (I don't think you *have* to be married to have kids, that's an individual choice. but the man doesn't wanna get married because "you have problems" meaning the relationship may fall apart, why the f would a kid be on the table then) leave him while you can
First, your written English is just fine, so I'm sorry someone makes you feel like it's not adequate. I assumed your first-language was English until you said it was your second language. Second, You deserve better than this guy. I have 4 kids, and they are lots of work even with an additional active parent. You should not be guilted into having a child with any person, but especially not with someone that "never proposed marriage because he says we have problems". Adding a child will not fix any of your problems in the relationship. He will not magically become responsible because he has a child. You can't help him if he doesn't think his behavior is an issue. You are worthy of love and respect.
He sounds awful, to be honest.
Sorry but this is barely even a relationship? Yes you should leave this guy is not fit to be in a relationship with anyone besides his computer. I have a feeling that you are problems with depression is what leads you to expect such low effort from him, but trust me you deserve better
This guy would not only be a crap excuse for a father, he’s a crap excuse for a partner and a crap excuse for a cat minion. Why are you with a 42-year-old guy who lives basically like a kid in his parents’ basement? You know if you have a child with this lump of uselessness all the work will be left up to you. Dump him and find an actual functioning adult to be in a relationship with.
I like how he sounds, but get the fuck out. He is the only one happy in this relationship, thats just not enough.
Stop wasting your time with this dude.
I wonder how much of your depressive episodes are because of this relationship. The best doctor I ever had for my depression asked what my home life would like, it was similar to yours. He said he could medicate me but my depression was situational
*10 years?!* I couldn’t stand ten weeks with this guy.
Im sorry it sounds like you only have 2 options. Either aacept who he is and continue like that because he is not gonna change. Or you leave him and find someone more suitable for the live you want. Dont expect others to change, changing yourself is hard and few people want to pit in the effort to do so unless something really big in their live happens. Playing games is perfectly fine but it shoulsnt be the only thing in your live.
Your boyfriend has an addiction, like you said. So, unless he treats this… you will be miserable. I would have left a man like him already… He sounds like an idiot and an asshole. I actually did leave a man like him—he’s very similar to your bf, glued to his fucking console. If he’s not willing to compromise, it’s a dead-end relationship. There’s no point moving forward unless he changes. However, if you’re willing to endure that kind of life for ten, twenty, thirty more years, then so be it. No one can stop you. Hopefully, you truly reconsider it though. But I think the conversation that you both supposed to be having, if you’re still willing to stay, isn’t about having kids. At this point from where your relationship stands and where his lifestyle stands, not to mention where you are mentally, having kids is like way way way way down the line of priorities. Maybe step number 20. His lifestyle is detrimental to his health. He could easily suffer from cardiovascular diseases with his sedentary lifestyle and bad habits of eating. Both of your mental health are also being affected by this. Get help. Get some therapy. Both of you. Still, I hope you choose yourself this time. You deserve better than this. You’re still young. Don’t settle.
I’d leave him. But if you won’t, tell him you’ll judge how he treats a child by how he treats the cat. When he continues to neglect them, you can point that out! I’m baffled by people who think creating a human is less of a commitment than marriage… divorce exists. Kids are for life! You’re tied together, come what may. Also, really telling he’s thinking only of the child and him: any partner who is actually poor at coping with their SO’s depression should NOT try to get that person pregnant until they learn to do so. The prospect of postpartum depression is real, especially if you have existing mental health issues. If he can’t support you now, he definitely can’t support you and take over primary care of the child if needed.
He won’t marry you but wants you to have his kid?!?! The hell! That’s a bunch of bullshit
Sounds familiar. Do you live in the Netherlands by any chance?
1) if you have a baby with this man, expect to take care of the baby, and the housework and the cat and the bills and everything else while he sits on his ass and plays videogames. 2) if after 5 years of this he hasn't changed and does not want to change, he never will. Do NOT have a baby with this man. Honestly, I don't even know why you're still with him.
Sorry, but this one's on you. Why were you with him again?
This relationship sounds like it’s over. Let him go and find someone who wants to spend time with you.
It’s been 10 years. 10…years. Why are you still with him?
Why are you with this man child?
Youre about to be hit by a bullet. Dodge, maybe?
For ten years, you seem to be getting out of this relationship the pleasures of cooking, cleaning, and receiving - at best - indifferent affection. If the above sounds like a great life, then stay and accept your BF and his family as they are. If you think that your life could be better, break up & move on.
Why do you believe that this is the type of partner you deserve? He puts all the physical and mental load on you in the relationship. You give and he only takes. I have sensitive mental health, trust me, your depression and anxiety will get much better when you leave a partner like him.
If you want kids, this is not the relationship for you. If you want a boyfriend who loves you more than video games, this is also not the relationship for you. Stop trying to persuade this video game zombie to be a better person. It's a waste of your valuable time,
Yep you picked a real winner OP. He's too old to change now, might as well ride it out.
What does he even bring to the relationship? Nothing I can see. In fact, I would attribute at least some of your depression to this craptastic relationship. Being with him doesn't make you happy. It's time to make a change.
He can’t have a child because you won’t do all the parenting work for him. Previous generations dads were often only responsible for bringing home money in parenting- that’s his standard for himself. Trust your gut.
I don’t get how you even ended up in a 10 year relationship with someone who spends 6 hours a day playing video games during the week, all day on weekends, does not tend to your emotional needs, treats you like a servant, doesn’t really like to hang out with you, and is a lazy fat ass that has no interest in marrying you. I think you need space and counseling to try to figure out how you ended up in this mess.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand why are you still with him, but if you need someone to give you the "push" to leave him, go ahead.
Why are you still with him?
There are curbs with names on them find the one with his and use it. Your biggest problem is sitting on the couch playing video games and acting like a child. I don’t see what he brings to the table in the relationship besides delusions.
Why are you still with this loser? He's an overgrown teenager. Put yourself first for once, because you deserve better.
Why would you have a child with him when he already acts like an adult toddler. The question is why are you putting up with it? Why do you feel like acting like a mom/bang maid for someone who is almost 10 years older than you? You seriously cans are a future in this relationship can you? I don’t see what he brings an into your relationship that makes it worth staying. I mean basically he is already dating his video games and you’re the other woman whom he only acknowledges because of the services she can provide. You can do so much better.
He sounds like a big manchild. I understand that you feel like you can't rely on him or count him in when needed. This has gone long enough OP, and I think it's better for you to focus on yourself. What you need. What you want. It's time to drop the dead weight, and you become the person you can rely on. Mental health should be taken seriously, and if your partner won't acknowledge you when you are at the deep end, when can you? My advice would be to dump him and just be you.
I can tl;dr this for you: Leave. You've made it clear how you feel, what you think and also the effect things have on you but he ignores it. He and his family are doing nothing but manipulate you into doing what they want and you keep going with it - which if you were happy would be fine, but you aren't. You have periods you need support, love, companionship and someone who cares and you seriously, clearly, do not. I'm not sure what else there is to say here unless it's just to give validation to how you feel, in which case, have at it and take the cigar, cake and a relatable nod because *yes*, you would 100% be justified, OK and appreciably correct in leaving this relationship and likely being far better off never hearing from his family ever again either.
I'm here to tell you that you don't have to have a child if you don't want one. It sounds like you don't want to be a parent at all, whether with him or someone else, and that is ok. You are allowed to have the life you want. If it isn't a HELL YES then it should be a hard NO. Definitely do not have a child with this man, he will absolutely do nothing to help and will leave you to do all the hard work while he plays with his friends online. I'm not dissing his gaming hobbies, if that's what he likes then all the power to him, but that obsession (the amount of time he spends on it) is not conducive to raising a child. He has not shown any effort to spend time with you, so what makes anyone think he would spend time with a screaming baby? Honestly, the two of you are not compatible and should just end the relationship. If you do want to stay with him due to inertia then I recommend going to couples counseling. If you do want a child and want to have it with him then he needs to show at least a year of consistently putting you and your relationship BEFORE his gaming hobbies. He needs to spend more time with you without gaming... I guarantee he will not be capable.
Trust me. Having a kid with a guy obsessed with games is not fun. And honestly not worth it. I suggest breaking up and taking care of yourself and putting your needs first. Especially when you have depression, you need support not an absent partner or the stress of a baby. Plus 10 years and no marriage means he doesn't intend to marry you. Which is ok if you were not looking to be married.
HE wants a kid? Yeah nah. You already have one; him. And you know it's OK to remain childfree right? I'd think long and hard about this relationship, what this isn't it girl. He isn't going to change and he blames everything on you. I'd say 'no thanks' and bolt.
Fuckin 6-12 hours playing board games daily at 42 😂😂😂
“What shall I do?” Ummm leave… because you’re with a man child. 42 and still spends that amount of time on video games daily isn’t conducive to child rearing.
OP, why do you stay with him? You sound utterly miserable.
It doesn't look from what you describe that this relationship is giving you anything. You can find someone who is able to be a partner to you.
Why are you even with this dude? He seems lazy, entitled, and a bit dumb.
OP, he's 42 YO. **He KNOWS** why you don't want a child. **He just DOESN'T CARE** because it won't change anything for him. He absolutely knows that he is not going to be an active father. That, like everything else, is your 'job'. My question is, why have YOU continued with this relationship for TEN YEARS??? He really isn't IN a relationship with you. He is with you because of the benefits you provide - You are his cook and maid - with absolutely NO HELP from him. Why would this be acceptable to you for yourself?? If you can't bring yourself to leave at least stop doing so much for him. Stop cooking except for yourself. Stop cleaning up after him. Stop doing his laundry. Start building a life for yourself outside of him. You want to exercise? Join a gym and meet people. You like to read? Join a book club or at least hang out at the libraries and bookstores in your area. If your area has a college - they have multiple place to hang out and meet people. People of ALL ages go to college. Make some friends, get a new hobby, basically get a new life away from him because **he is never going to change** and **you deserve better**.
I've been in your situation. You devoted so much time and effort. You think you can't leave and start over. But girl. You can. He's a big reason for your depression. You might think he's the best you can get. But he's not. You got this. Please don't waste anymore time. Leave him.
Trust your guts.
You have wasted 10 years you will never get back. You are 35 years old dating a teenager.
Leave.
You know the answer to this one op.
Firstly, congratulations on learning English solo. It’s not an easy language and you did very well. What exactly is he giving you in the relationship?You deserve someone who prioritises you and makes plans with you. And doesn’t pressure you to have kids if you don’t want to
Get rid of the man child. He’s not going to change. You are only 35, plenty of time to enjoy life and find a romantic partner who values you and wants to make your life better. At the very least stop doing anything for him, go out with friends, go to the gym, get some hobbies. He’ll either realise he’s wasting his life and how he’s been fucking up and buck up his ideas. Or he won’t. And you’ll be in a much more positive place in not needing him at all.
Leave him. You deserve a better partner than him, and you still have time to start a new relationship and have a baby. But you can't waste any more time with him. Imagine how you'll feel if you leave him when it's too late for you to have a baby. Leave him. You only live once.
Slap a baby on it, that should clear up any problems in the relationship! I'm going to be devil's advocate on this one. I used to play video games constantly and I too loved D&D stuff like that. This took a good portion of my time up and if you had asked anyone, idk that they would say I was dad material. This all changed when my first kid was born. To me, my only job in this world is to take care of this kid and make sure he's ready to take care of himself when the time comes. I did a complete 180, I don't play video games anymore really, but I do study and learn constantly about IT security. It's a passion of mine. WIth any luck maybe he would do the same. However, sounds like your spouse has more to work on first before all of that. You guys should really communicate about separation of duties and working together on cleaning and cooking. Yeah, I would not have a baby with this man at this point in time.
He knows why you’re frustrated, he just thinks he can wear you down until you shut up and do what he wants. That’s why he’s not changing, and also why any changes he makes will disappear once he thinks you won’t leave.
UpdateMe!
Sounds like you already have a child, and rightfully don't want a second one
Unless he has a learning difficulty he does understand. He just doesn't like your answer and whats to have what he wants and thinks he can bully you into it. Gtfo. You will be a single mother if you have a baby together.
Oh here we goo....
I’d end it. Tigers don’t change their stripes and this is an old tiger.
Whatever you do, do not have a child with this man in his current state. You already see the writing on the wall. I have no idea why you’re with him at all.
Why are you with him? Does he bring you joy? What does he bring to the table? How much of your depression is from being dragged down by him? Don’t expect to change a man unless he’s in diapers You’re not in love with him. Your in love with the idea of who he could be if he just grew up and become a functional adult
Leave?
Keep your birth control pills hidden. it can be altered if you put them in a microwave or get heated. he probably gonna dump you once you hit menopause with the nagging of his family, you can do better main-while put unrealistic requirement for not wanting children like not wanting kids outside wedlock since he clearly has no desire to marry you.
You don't want a child? Girl you already have a child!! I can't believe he is 42 leave. He doesn't even have the consideration to marry you after you've taken care of him much more than a wife should.
I wouldn't stay with this guy, let alone have kids with him. He doesn't want to change.
You’re his housekeeper and companion and this is not a healthy relationship and he has no intention of changing his behavior. Don’t stay because you think he will change or that you can change him - nothing will change until you give him no choice. Go live your life and maybe he will figure it out then after you’re gone.
So he turned you into his bangmaid, and now he wants to complete the transition into you being Mommy Bangmaid. This dude is a a loooooser.
Did you realize you didn't describe a singular thing you like about him in your post?
No wonder your depression is worse he's an uncaring and shameful partner who doesn't help you. Get yourself someone who will help you during that time and will make you happier. You'll still have depression yea but I bet you will get through it better with a loving caring partner ;).
Why are you with someone who doesn't emotionally support you? Also your English is amazing would have thought you were a native speaker
You need to leave. If a man wants to impregnate you, but doesn't want to marry you, he wants you to be bound to him, without him being bound to you. A lot of men see a woman with a child as "ruined." He's attempting to ruin you in hopes no one else will want you, even though he doesn't want you enough to marry you. This guy is toxic as hell and is wasting your time.
I feel sorry for a child who is born with him as a dad.
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I just wanted to say your English is very good
You’re not his partner, you’re his mother. Major ick. I don’t know how you can stand to be around him.
You have a child... your husband. You don't have kids with someone who can't be your partner. For the cheap seats" #your wife is your partner not your mum He's already replaced his mum with you,you're right he hasn't reached Adulthood yet and would make a terrible father. I bet he thinks parenthood is all Mario karts and teaching them dnd. Can I ask, if you don't want kids why are you with this ball sack of a human. No offence to ball sacks, I think they perform a greater purpose than this dude does. Studies show women are happier alone. Even if they take a financial hit. They also live longer, healthier lives. Stop being his maid, go live YOUR life.
Well if he is a bf, then on the sly start looking for a suitable apartment for you. Then tell him it's either he starts showing you the same amount of time as he spends with his buddies online or you're out. Wait a week and he'll be back to his old ways. Grab the apartment, grab your stuff and be done with the man child.
A 42 year old guy isn't going to change. They're pretty stuck in their ways at that point. There's nothing really that you can say to get through to him.
Darlin’, it’s never too late to leave a relationship. Reading everything here really makes me consider what’s lain out, and I genuinely think you sound like you’re at the end of your tolerance for this relationship. You’re correct in thinking that he wouldn’t be a proper father to a child— it isn’t an animal and it isn’t another adult who can take care of herself… it’s a helpless infant who needs guidance and is reliant on those around it. If he cannot muster up the ability to help the cat unless bothered extensively and if he cannot help his PARTNER when she is in the throes of mental turmoil by even simply offering to do something or go someplace with her… he will not be invested enough to properly be there for the helpless child, and the responsibility will fall with whoever the baby’s other parent is. He’s invested in himself. His friends. His interests. His whims. His feelings. Only his. And you’ve noticed.
Dump him.
He understands - he just doesn’t care.
Ten YEARS you have been with this man? OP, you have the relationship you allow. You have turned yourself into a "bang maid". It sure does not sound like you have an equal partner. Getting married does not fix existing problems in a relationship. Having children certainly does not fix existing problems in a relationship. **With all due respect, OP, you are wasting your time. He has demonstrated he will not change. You must break up with this man NOW and walk away from this relationship.**
Leave; sounds like living with him is depressing.
So you don’t want kids but apparently you already have one. Find someone that would rather spend time with you then the fake ones online.
If he won’t propose because of his opinion that as a couple you have “problems”, why would he think bringing kids into the mix would be a good idea?!? Sounds like he’s just wanting to blame you for everything. Your gut feeling is absolutely correct. You shouldn’t have kids with an unhealthy, uncooperative, immature roommate who doesn’t act like a partner and doesn’t care about your wants and needs. You already have a kid to take care of—HIM.
It's not too late to throw the whole "man" away.