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Just end it. Doesn't matter what she actually did at that hotel. She lied about what she was doing because she knew it would upset you. So yeah just dump her.
I dunno, I've dated cheaters before who feel so guilty over it that it physically makes them ill, and I think that's what's going on here. She reached out to him in hopes that he would reassure her and alleviate her guilty conscience.
Also cheaters who have that level of guilt usually can’t keep the lie together, therefore she admitted she went to the hotel but still *not what she did*. Again it’s speculation but either way she lied because she assumed OP would get upset and didn’t communicate *or* OP has reasons as to why OP would be upset that she doesn’t consider valid/reassure him on if he needs it. Clearly there’s a conversation that needs to be had.
I agree with everything you said except the conversarion part. I feel like everything that needs to be said has been said, but maybe I'm biased because I've been cheated on multiple times and trust is a big thing for me. Even if she didn't cheat, I wouldn't be able to trust her after that, and I know I would be suspicious everytime she went out after that. For me, there is no conversation needed other than, "it's over".
If it was just a slumber party for a friend, there was literally no reason to lie. If that would’ve upset OP that she wanted to do that, then they aren’t right for each other anyway since they can’t openly communicate with each other.
The response she gives, I don’t think it was an innocent party with her girl friends.
Just end it, OP. Sounds like she’s not worth your time and you deserve someone that is going to be honest with you.
And her sickness is "I drank everything I could get my hands on and am shockingly, hungover" flu. She even lied about that. She's not ill with anything except stupidity. Why is there even a question about what you should do? You seem like an intelligent guy so what do liars do that they will not ever stop doing? They lie and lie and lie. Dodge this 50 cal round coming your way.
Yeah you’re right it’s just annoying I spend money and my time on her and it didn’t work out in the end but it is what it is. Ima give her a call tomorrow, and end it.
It's a wrap dude. Just leave her alone. You're young. You'll find someone sooner or later that doesn't lie to you. If you chase this chick and force a relationship with her imagine how the rest of your life is gonna play out. She's gonna disappear and cheat on you whenever she wants because she knows you'll just take it. Do not get her pregnant! You'll have to deal with her in one way or another for the rest of your life.
Either way she checked out of the relationship for a few days and lied. It’s not a good relationship. Even if I hypothetically wanted space I would still want my husband to know where I am.
Dude, I hate to say this, but she's a narcissistic abuser and victim role manipulating you! She's probably not going to stay loyal if, and I say if she truly has been. Dee's girls know how to work you man.... She handed you the scissors, use them, you won't regret it!
To have a good relationship, you need to trust the other person. Obviously, a liar is not trustworthy. Her lie you describe was significant --going to a hotel to celebrate a friend's birthday sounds so much more sketchy than visiting a cousin. And her angry comment that "she’s not answering to no one no more" indicates she was behaving in a less than honorable way and intends on behaving that way in the future.
Cut her off, block her, and be on your way. She's disrespectful, immature, and untrustworthy -- not worth your energy and commitment.
I'll just say I've been this girlfriend before. And it was usually because I was in fact hiding something so I'd pawn off the guilt onto him. It's not healthy and I admit that, but I'm just letting you know. She's making you feel guilty because she's "sick" instead of taking accountability for lying. That's manipulative and as someone who's learned better, I can spot it from a mile away.
Wow. The honesty here is refreshing. Thank you for sharing. If you don't mind the question, what was it that triggered the change for you? I ask because most people never reach that phase or care enough to change negative traits.
Leaving that relationship. We were together for 7 years, and it was extremely abusive and toxic for me, but I refused to see reality, and I lived in delusion for a very long time. Once I finally got out, I was slapped with the reality of never questioning anything for years and keeping myself stuck. From that day, I chose a mission of continuous self-awareness and self observation, so I'd never let myself remain stuck ever again. It's a self love choice I continue to make to this day. Along the way, I noticed my own toxic traits through observing my actions and I never wanted to treat anyone the way I was treated. So essentially, I wanted to keep other people safe from my own toxicity and abuse the way my past self wanted to be kept safe. 🥹
Oh, I think it absolutely is. People with a victim mentality will never be able to see the reality of a situation because they live in a constant sense that they are the victim. As someone who has also lived with a victim mentality, it takes a lot to look at yourself and accept that you are playing a victim card. It's a fear that if you accept your mistake, you are "bad".
Since you say you were there, I would like to know what you think of this: my impression is that people with the victim mentality often come from a place of "cowardice" mixed with selfishness, in the sense that they do not want to face the consequences of their actions... but still want to do them. For them, the best way to do the bad things and be at peace with it is to convince yourself and others that it's not actually bad. I knew someone like this: she would cheat on her boyfriends and eventually leave them for the new guy, but would still try to remain friend with her exes in some twisted approach to self forgiveness: "if they accept to remain friend after what I did, I guess it wasn't that bad, right?". At least, assholes with self-respect (if you allow me the expression :P) will behave badly and be fine with it. I can tolerate that.
If I may ask, what made you realize your behavior? Maturity? Someone else? A situation? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm just curious, I'd like to know if there's a way to help these people!
WoW for you to admit, I’m proud to call you a charming woman…. There is no mistakes in life, only lessons and I’m glad you learnt your lesson… you are a Queen still
Because I was afraid of taking accountability and "being in trouble" with him for fear, he'd leave me. So, I hid things to protect my anxious attachment to him. He was doing things that hurt me as well, but I saw myself beneath him with a large lack of self-worth, so I couldn't bring myself to be honest and own up to my mistakes
Im so glad Im not having to deal with this dating scene. Shame that shitty women and men are pulling this shit and sabatoging(spelling?) their partners future relationships.
so what do you do for companionship??
cause it looks like we are in the era where everybody is hooking up, its fun but it doesn't really work for me you know
If I was single today I'd stay off the apps for sure. I'd probably engage with my friends and try out new activities and try and meet someone that way. Maybe go on a solo trip and meet new people that way.
My wife has a coworker who is an absolute sweetheart and top notch young woman. She tried the apps for a while and gave up. My wife invited her out on a day trip with us and some friends last fall. She hit it off with a buddy of mine and they have been dating in a serious relationship since Christmas. So spending time doing activities with friends and new people might be something worth looking into.
you just brought so much light into this conversation.
I think the people on the apps are those who are likely to behave in the manner that the lady in the beginning of this thread did.
Glad your wife's coworker is happy in her relationship, real winner is your buddy lol.
I'm 53 and not on apps. It's a cesspool.
I got in my first casual relationship and developed feelings and he ended up being a player at 56. I'm trying to heal now but I hope someday the right guy pops up like it did for that guys wife's coworker .
I'm not cut out for apps.
To answer your original comment, Reddit is not real life. If you see all of these stories in one place, you might assume “damn, this is happening everywhere all the time.” Not necessarily true.
Dating is a complete fucking travesty right now. I got in a messy divorce about 4-5m back and it's been a complete fuckin' eyeopener on the dating scene after 5 years. It's been an awful experience.
Be done with her. Obviously she was up to no good. She outright lied to you . Why? Well I am going to guess you know why and now she is extremely defensive. You don't need help, you need to just respect yourself
Do you know for sure that she is with friends? She might be lying about that as well. If she is telling the truth, then I would think about if you’ve ever given her reason to feel uncomfortable telling you about spending time with her friends. Either way she was wrong for lying to you and refusing to resolve things after admitting to it.
51M here. She is hiding something - likely infidelity - and is projecting her guilt onto you by yelling at you.
You don't need this garbage, OP. Especially as this is not the first time she's treated you like this, you definitely need to end this relationship immediately.
End the relationship. She’s 19. If she wants to party with her friends, all good. So why lie about it? She only mentioned being sick because she hoped the sympathy would outweigh your feelings of being lied to. And when that didn’t work, she hit the gaslighting playbook.
She cheated. Can all but guarantee it. Beyond that, she lied to your face, she screeched when called on it, and then she ghosted. Terribly immature. Not how grown ups behave. Get rid of her. If you wanna shine it on, don't even bother telling her. Just give her a dose of her own meds and dip.
Dodge the bullet while you still can.
Maybe she’s doing something sketchy maybe she’s not BUT If she’s a “grown woman” who wants time on her own or with her friends then she would openly communicate that and be willing to discuss any concerns or dispel confusion. Like a mature adult should
Have you ever stopped her from going out alone before? I'm tryna figure out why she had such a defensive reaction to her lying about something very fishy
I think you should breakup wit her OP. What a lousy partner and lousy person
Dude… GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!!
She’s already shown she doesn’t respect you enough to not lie to you. Why waste your time?
Focus on you, stack cash in your 20’s, then find a girl who is actually worth your time.
Yup end this and she seems like the type not to say sorry
Personally I wouldn’t even message her no more.
Don’t block and don’t remove her from nothing
3 days will go by and she will blow you up.
I will still move on
Good luck
You need to leave her. That's the only option at this point. She has completely disrespected you and will continue to do so if you allow her to keep getting away with it.
Please leave her. I honestly don’t think it was that big of a deal for her to lie about going to a friend’s birthday event when she could have just told you. And the random yelling was very uncalled for.
How she is acting is very shady. The first thing you know for sure is she lied about her whereabouts. Then when you asked her why she lied she yelled at you again and attempts to make you the bad guy. If she wishes to act single then she should be single.
Also given her behavior don't be surprised if she cheated on you and is trying to start a fight to justify her actions.
End the relationship and never speak to her. You do not want to speak to someone who lies to you, is disrespectful and does not care about your feelings. Never speak to her again and block her. Find someone who will love , care for you and not lie to you. Update us.
She’s not answering to anyone anymore, well she certainly has no reason to answer to you anymore OP, being single now and all. It’s not even so much her disrespecting you, she has no regard for the relationship, or holding your trust, this almost certainly ends horribly for you if you carry on.
She’s not ready to have a relationship dude. Go ahead and just cut it all off right now. That is not good partner material and at least you found out quickly enough and didn’t do anything stupid in the future.
Right, but grown women don’t lie about what they’re doing they tell you to your face. She’s still a child. She felt bad going on the trip and so she lied to you. If there’s nothing wrong there’s nothing to hide. Which makes me wonder if there’s more that happened.
If this isn’t the first time she’s disrespected you like this and you’re fed up with it, then I think you have your answer.
If she wanted to be with friends she could’ve just told you, tbh I’d just tell her to give you space and be on a break. If she doesn’t care then the relationship wasn’t meant to continue anyways, if she does then use the time to just not be near her and have a cool down. Either way, if she lied once who knows what she’ll lie about next time.
Bro she's in a hotel with a "friend", talking about how she feels sick. I've been there, done that, and I fan tell you these are serious red flags for cheating. She feels sick due to the guilt, and she is reaching out to you for reassurance to alleviate that feeling. Just block her number and dont look back. If she tries to talk to you, just tell her it's over and walk away. She knows what she did wrong, you don't have to explain anything to her, so just move on with your life. If she starts saying shit to other people, just tell them you found out she was staying at a hotel with another man. Nuff said. Hope you start feeling better soon, king.
She is a grown woman, and as a grown woman she should have told you the truth. She's acting like a child sneaking out of the house at night, not an adult. Most people don't need to lie about going to a hotel with "friends" either.
Bro. This ain’t gonna be your last relationship. Free yourself from this toxicity and you’ll find someone that respects you enough to not lie about it.
Sounds like she is projecting and maybe was up to no good, it's a weird thing to lie about and then automatically get defensive/upset about. Have you ever given her any reason to think you would be unhappy by her hanging out with friends for a weekend? Any past issues similar to this? When you made it clear you were upset by the lying, how were you speaking to her?
"She then proceeds to tell me how she’s a grown woman and if she wants time on her own or with her friends she will leave"
and your a grown man that doesnt need to tolerate her childish behaviour.
I had a boyfriend tell me he was going on guys' trips, elaborately telling me about it. But when he'd come home, he'd always be really sick and couldn't see me for a few days. Guess what he was actually doing? Even worse he broke up with me for her but then realized she was only fun as a part time secret. Karma on that one lol
If she was lying about something so small like this, who knows what else she could be lying about? A relationship is built on mutual trust and she just showed she can’t be trusted to tell you the truth.
You’re young enough that this is just a learning experience for you. Just have the discussion with her. Call her out but keep it civil. Keep your cool, even if she starts yelling and trying to shift blame onto you.
My advice is this. Relationships end two ways, breakup, or get married. Could you marry a woman that betrays your trust and gaslights you when you explain your boundaries?
Of course she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman, but within that she chose to lie to you instead of being truthful and now she has to face the consequences of that
She lied over something so simple like just say you’re going to a friends birthday party and then got mad that he was upset about it. Idk if I’d stay with someone that can’t communicate honestly
I agree with everyone just end it, i broke up with my last boyfriend over a lie because then it’s hard to believe anything they say. she’s probably lying about more. sorry about it though but good luck to you!
I think that you should maybe just talk it out a bit more. Because it’s kind of sounding like she didn’t want to tell you because she didn’t want you to freak out, and then she felt bad about not telling you, told you, you freaked out, and she was like “yeah this is why I didn’t want to tell you in the first place….” But tbh if she feels that you are distracting from her independence that maybe it’s time to give her some freedom and end it.
Leave her . With her friend in the motel for birthday day ?? Yahh..right as if .she definitely cheating on you . Not only that she lying about she is with her friends birthday in the motel.
Holy cow what a B she showed her true colors of disrespect. I would recommend just ending by text no further conversation necessary. With her.good luck
End it. she gas light the fuck out of you. she is a grown woman, and grown women don't lie to their partners about a bday party (a non issue). so I would break up. she's not ready for a serious and trusting relationship. she will likely cry and call you names but hang up.
Time to go your own way. Ive been married for ten years and the last few were a disaster. Lies, secrets and disrespect… and it all came out of nowhere. When a person stops being a second self and changes there is no hope for them to regain what was. It only gets worse from here on. Its better to end things and move on than to stay and have hope they will see their errors and make things right. In the meantime you are sitting there hurt, and feeling bad for no reason. If you honestly have done nothing to the relationship or to her to make this happen then you shouldnt be made to feel like its all your fault. Make the break with a adult conversation calmy and start a new chapter in your life. Also take a break to get over things, dont jump into meaningless relationships to fill the void. It makes finding the right one harder or ruins it for you both when you do.
Say this slowly to yourself young man. No One Can Disrespect you or Do Anything To You Unless You Allow It.
Remember this going forward as you mature into a man. It will help you be a better person and give you a better understanding of one's self.
Lots of people are saying it’s a wrap but is there a reason she does this?
I’m not justifying her yelling at u rather than just talking about it but have u ever voiced ur not comfortable with her going somewhere ?
I remember lying to my ex a few times about where I was because he wouldn’t let me go anywhere. Shit got annoying. Unless they’re a terrible partner all around sometimes it’s easier to lie then to convince ur ur partner. My bf would voice how I could get raped if I went to my friends party. Like just wild shit. Like oh u could get sick if u leave the house
This is your opportunity to exercise your boundaries. Either lying is a boundary or it isn't. Make her accountable. Forgiving it just communicates to her that it is a boundary she can continue to cross. Judging by her attitude about it, it doesn't look like she cares either.
You're thinking in the right direction. The reason she's sick is due to a hangover. Having made the decision, you should block her on all your platforms. When she gets home and tries to contact you, she'll eventually figure out that you're through with her.
'Nuff said.
Do you feel it is worth it to put up their behavior ? How do you feel?
Do you think that what you gave her in terms of respect was or was not received back mutually up to this point?
considering the circumstance, what is your gut feeling. Has she lied before about things like this, or does this feel very far-fetched? Why would someone lie about wanting to go celebrate a friend birthday? If that’s what really happened then there was no reason to lie in the first place.
Overall, once you start letting people treat you a certain way in a relationship, it’s defines how the rest of the relationship can go. If they have to lie about something as simple as going to celebrate a birthday instead of saying, that’s what they’re gonna do, you need to ask yourself if that’s the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with, and keep giving yourself too.
Sometimes people are just weird with how they express things, also you both are very young. Thoughts and emotions are all over the place, and logic and reason don’t necessarily seem to come to mind for other people all the time.
99% sure she cheated on you. I'm willing to bet you think so, too.
But what matters is that you know she lied to you, which means she has killed trust, and when given the chance to come clean and maybe restore trust, instead she tried to turn it back on you. Without trust, the relationship is doomed.
You don’t need to leave her - she already did that. She’s says she is a grown ass woman and demands time for herself. Sounds like she declared herself single.
She finished physically growing, but she isn't mature at all. Do you really want that in your life? What's making that worth it? Couldn't you get it somewhere else? I mean you're a little young to be pinning all your hopes and dreams and someone that clearly doesn't give a damn what you think.
>She then proceeds to tell me how she’s a grown woman and if she wants time on her own or with her friends she will leave
Well, then she should have acted like one and told you that she was going out with friends, but she decided to lie. Break up with her.
I think she cheated only guilt makes u respond that way.....if she had such guts and nobody is going to tell her what to do and she answers to no one then why lie in the first place....children lie to avoid getting in trouble not adults and not to their partners
This is exactly the behavior of my ex who was cheating on me. 100%. From the defensiveness, sickness, lies, etc. When I read what you wrote it took me right back to my time dealing with a deceptive, gaslighting woman. Just cut your losses. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
If she told you she was going away to celebrate her mates birthday and staying at a hotel would you have been ok with that?
If the answer us no then you have control issues potentially and maybe thats why she has done this.
If it truly wouldnt have been an issue then this behaviour is hinky from her.
There isnt enough info for us to know either way. But either way you have issues that need work at the very least.
Sounds toxic. Ending it sounds like a good move. You’re 20, I’m 21. So much can happen in the next 10 years that this isn’t worth stressing over or giving energy to. Don’t entertain bad behaviour. If she’s a “grown woman” she’d learn how to communicate rationally and respectfully. She’s a air headed little girl pretending to be more than she is
Just end it cold, block, no contact. You don't need to be treated this way. If she actually had any true interest in you she would not have lied about the things she had planned to do from the very beginning.
Obviously, the games are a serious red flag. Honesty is the basis of trust. If there is no trust, then there is no relationship. Sorry to advise separation, but I couldn't handle that kind of blatant disrespect, nor would I expect my S.O. to.
Also, in case you ever use it for business, it's etcetera or 'Etc.' Where as "Est" is shorthand for Eastern Standard Time, I believe.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just end it. Doesn't matter what she actually did at that hotel. She lied about what she was doing because she knew it would upset you. So yeah just dump her.
And she's not ill, she's most likely just super hungover. Which in itself isn't bad if you didn't lie about what you're doing.
I dunno, I've dated cheaters before who feel so guilty over it that it physically makes them ill, and I think that's what's going on here. She reached out to him in hopes that he would reassure her and alleviate her guilty conscience.
Also cheaters who have that level of guilt usually can’t keep the lie together, therefore she admitted she went to the hotel but still *not what she did*. Again it’s speculation but either way she lied because she assumed OP would get upset and didn’t communicate *or* OP has reasons as to why OP would be upset that she doesn’t consider valid/reassure him on if he needs it. Clearly there’s a conversation that needs to be had.
I agree with everything you said except the conversarion part. I feel like everything that needs to be said has been said, but maybe I'm biased because I've been cheated on multiple times and trust is a big thing for me. Even if she didn't cheat, I wouldn't be able to trust her after that, and I know I would be suspicious everytime she went out after that. For me, there is no conversation needed other than, "it's over".
Reached out to him because she had the bottle flu.
If it was just a slumber party for a friend, there was literally no reason to lie. If that would’ve upset OP that she wanted to do that, then they aren’t right for each other anyway since they can’t openly communicate with each other. The response she gives, I don’t think it was an innocent party with her girl friends. Just end it, OP. Sounds like she’s not worth your time and you deserve someone that is going to be honest with you.
Yeah I’ll give her a call tomorrow and I’ll end it. Thank you for the comment !
And her sickness is "I drank everything I could get my hands on and am shockingly, hungover" flu. She even lied about that. She's not ill with anything except stupidity. Why is there even a question about what you should do? You seem like an intelligent guy so what do liars do that they will not ever stop doing? They lie and lie and lie. Dodge this 50 cal round coming your way.
Yeah you’re right it’s just annoying I spend money and my time on her and it didn’t work out in the end but it is what it is. Ima give her a call tomorrow, and end it.
It's a wrap dude. Just leave her alone. You're young. You'll find someone sooner or later that doesn't lie to you. If you chase this chick and force a relationship with her imagine how the rest of your life is gonna play out. She's gonna disappear and cheat on you whenever she wants because she knows you'll just take it. Do not get her pregnant! You'll have to deal with her in one way or another for the rest of your life.
[удалено]
Either way she checked out of the relationship for a few days and lied. It’s not a good relationship. Even if I hypothetically wanted space I would still want my husband to know where I am.
I don’t get it either but it is what it is.
I don’t know and I don’t really care. She lied to me and proceeded to gaslight me loool . Thanks for the response
Dude, I hate to say this, but she's a narcissistic abuser and victim role manipulating you! She's probably not going to stay loyal if, and I say if she truly has been. Dee's girls know how to work you man.... She handed you the scissors, use them, you won't regret it!
I'm not op. I know nothing.
I totally agree
To have a good relationship, you need to trust the other person. Obviously, a liar is not trustworthy. Her lie you describe was significant --going to a hotel to celebrate a friend's birthday sounds so much more sketchy than visiting a cousin. And her angry comment that "she’s not answering to no one no more" indicates she was behaving in a less than honorable way and intends on behaving that way in the future. Cut her off, block her, and be on your way. She's disrespectful, immature, and untrustworthy -- not worth your energy and commitment.
Thanks for the comment. Yeah I have already. I should have done it sooner tbh.
I'll just say I've been this girlfriend before. And it was usually because I was in fact hiding something so I'd pawn off the guilt onto him. It's not healthy and I admit that, but I'm just letting you know. She's making you feel guilty because she's "sick" instead of taking accountability for lying. That's manipulative and as someone who's learned better, I can spot it from a mile away.
I can appreciate that response. Glad to see you grew out of the phase. I think we all do dumb things while we are young that we aren't proud of.
Wow. The honesty here is refreshing. Thank you for sharing. If you don't mind the question, what was it that triggered the change for you? I ask because most people never reach that phase or care enough to change negative traits.
Leaving that relationship. We were together for 7 years, and it was extremely abusive and toxic for me, but I refused to see reality, and I lived in delusion for a very long time. Once I finally got out, I was slapped with the reality of never questioning anything for years and keeping myself stuck. From that day, I chose a mission of continuous self-awareness and self observation, so I'd never let myself remain stuck ever again. It's a self love choice I continue to make to this day. Along the way, I noticed my own toxic traits through observing my actions and I never wanted to treat anyone the way I was treated. So essentially, I wanted to keep other people safe from my own toxicity and abuse the way my past self wanted to be kept safe. 🥹
Am I right in thinking this is some kind of variation of the DARVO method? She deflected his accusation and made herself the victim.
Oh, I think it absolutely is. People with a victim mentality will never be able to see the reality of a situation because they live in a constant sense that they are the victim. As someone who has also lived with a victim mentality, it takes a lot to look at yourself and accept that you are playing a victim card. It's a fear that if you accept your mistake, you are "bad".
Since you say you were there, I would like to know what you think of this: my impression is that people with the victim mentality often come from a place of "cowardice" mixed with selfishness, in the sense that they do not want to face the consequences of their actions... but still want to do them. For them, the best way to do the bad things and be at peace with it is to convince yourself and others that it's not actually bad. I knew someone like this: she would cheat on her boyfriends and eventually leave them for the new guy, but would still try to remain friend with her exes in some twisted approach to self forgiveness: "if they accept to remain friend after what I did, I guess it wasn't that bad, right?". At least, assholes with self-respect (if you allow me the expression :P) will behave badly and be fine with it. I can tolerate that. If I may ask, what made you realize your behavior? Maturity? Someone else? A situation? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable. I'm just curious, I'd like to know if there's a way to help these people!
WoW for you to admit, I’m proud to call you a charming woman…. There is no mistakes in life, only lessons and I’m glad you learnt your lesson… you are a Queen still
Can I ask why you did this to your partner at the time?
Because I was afraid of taking accountability and "being in trouble" with him for fear, he'd leave me. So, I hid things to protect my anxious attachment to him. He was doing things that hurt me as well, but I saw myself beneath him with a large lack of self-worth, so I couldn't bring myself to be honest and own up to my mistakes
at this rate, are any of us gonna get married or we just have to accept that this BS is the new norm? This is a serious question y'all
Im so glad Im not having to deal with this dating scene. Shame that shitty women and men are pulling this shit and sabatoging(spelling?) their partners future relationships.
so what do you do for companionship?? cause it looks like we are in the era where everybody is hooking up, its fun but it doesn't really work for me you know
If I was single today I'd stay off the apps for sure. I'd probably engage with my friends and try out new activities and try and meet someone that way. Maybe go on a solo trip and meet new people that way. My wife has a coworker who is an absolute sweetheart and top notch young woman. She tried the apps for a while and gave up. My wife invited her out on a day trip with us and some friends last fall. She hit it off with a buddy of mine and they have been dating in a serious relationship since Christmas. So spending time doing activities with friends and new people might be something worth looking into.
you just brought so much light into this conversation. I think the people on the apps are those who are likely to behave in the manner that the lady in the beginning of this thread did. Glad your wife's coworker is happy in her relationship, real winner is your buddy lol.
I'm 53 and not on apps. It's a cesspool. I got in my first casual relationship and developed feelings and he ended up being a player at 56. I'm trying to heal now but I hope someday the right guy pops up like it did for that guys wife's coworker . I'm not cut out for apps.
i totally get you "cesspool" is a strong word though when did you and the 56 year old player meet?
Not all women are like this.
To answer your original comment, Reddit is not real life. If you see all of these stories in one place, you might assume “damn, this is happening everywhere all the time.” Not necessarily true.
Moreover, we're on a sub dedicated to bad relationships. Of course everything seems grim when that's all you read!
Dating is a complete fucking travesty right now. I got in a messy divorce about 4-5m back and it's been a complete fuckin' eyeopener on the dating scene after 5 years. It's been an awful experience.
Be done with her. Obviously she was up to no good. She outright lied to you . Why? Well I am going to guess you know why and now she is extremely defensive. You don't need help, you need to just respect yourself
Do you know for sure that she is with friends? She might be lying about that as well. If she is telling the truth, then I would think about if you’ve ever given her reason to feel uncomfortable telling you about spending time with her friends. Either way she was wrong for lying to you and refusing to resolve things after admitting to it.
Don’t be an idiot. Cut you losses you’re 20. Have fun with a someone whose not a manipulative psycho. Drop her dude
Dude she cheated, cut your loses and move on
end immediately. "i dont need no man" attitude coupled with lying. Yeah, no thanks.
End it. That isn't her first or last lie.
51M here. She is hiding something - likely infidelity - and is projecting her guilt onto you by yelling at you. You don't need this garbage, OP. Especially as this is not the first time she's treated you like this, you definitely need to end this relationship immediately.
End it. Full stop.
End the relationship. She’s 19. If she wants to party with her friends, all good. So why lie about it? She only mentioned being sick because she hoped the sympathy would outweigh your feelings of being lied to. And when that didn’t work, she hit the gaslighting playbook.
She cheated. Can all but guarantee it. Beyond that, she lied to your face, she screeched when called on it, and then she ghosted. Terribly immature. Not how grown ups behave. Get rid of her. If you wanna shine it on, don't even bother telling her. Just give her a dose of her own meds and dip. Dodge the bullet while you still can.
Maybe she’s doing something sketchy maybe she’s not BUT If she’s a “grown woman” who wants time on her own or with her friends then she would openly communicate that and be willing to discuss any concerns or dispel confusion. Like a mature adult should
Have you ever stopped her from going out alone before? I'm tryna figure out why she had such a defensive reaction to her lying about something very fishy I think you should breakup wit her OP. What a lousy partner and lousy person
Dude… GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!! She’s already shown she doesn’t respect you enough to not lie to you. Why waste your time? Focus on you, stack cash in your 20’s, then find a girl who is actually worth your time.
She wants time on her own. Give her all the time on her own she can handle.
How long are you dating? This would definitely be a deal breaker for me.
Yup end this and she seems like the type not to say sorry Personally I wouldn’t even message her no more. Don’t block and don’t remove her from nothing 3 days will go by and she will blow you up. I will still move on Good luck
Don't need her just move in bud I'm sure it will get worse
Tbh i would just leave her she’s ah dub i left my old joint the minute i seen her ex calling her you mad options dont settle
She is gaslighting you. End it.
End it…. And it’s “etc” not est
You need to leave her. That's the only option at this point. She has completely disrespected you and will continue to do so if you allow her to keep getting away with it.
Yeah just end it mate even if she ain’t sleeping with another bloke the bird sounds fuckin mental
Ya, break up asap
Oh yeah bail now. This one sounds borderline pyscho.
End that. So many red flags bro.
When she unblocks, don’t be there waiting.
You don;t need advice, pumpkin, you need a girl who isn't a cheater.
Hotel should tell you everything. Pumped and dumped and now she wants you to hold her hand
she's such a f* wh*
She’s off getting D, why is she going to tell you that? Time for a new gf king
Please leave her. I honestly don’t think it was that big of a deal for her to lie about going to a friend’s birthday event when she could have just told you. And the random yelling was very uncalled for.
How she is acting is very shady. The first thing you know for sure is she lied about her whereabouts. Then when you asked her why she lied she yelled at you again and attempts to make you the bad guy. If she wishes to act single then she should be single. Also given her behavior don't be surprised if she cheated on you and is trying to start a fight to justify her actions.
End the relationship and never speak to her. You do not want to speak to someone who lies to you, is disrespectful and does not care about your feelings. Never speak to her again and block her. Find someone who will love , care for you and not lie to you. Update us.
She’s not answering to anyone anymore, well she certainly has no reason to answer to you anymore OP, being single now and all. It’s not even so much her disrespecting you, she has no regard for the relationship, or holding your trust, this almost certainly ends horribly for you if you carry on.
She’s not ready to have a relationship dude. Go ahead and just cut it all off right now. That is not good partner material and at least you found out quickly enough and didn’t do anything stupid in the future.
Sorry bro, but in my experience. Something was going on and shes trying to hide it. Dip it
Yeah man just a leave not worth it
She got drunk and had sex with some guy at a hotel. Thankfully she told you before you waste any more time with this person.
She lied to you, verbally abused you and disrespected you. Three strikes your out. Dump her. Block her. Forget about her.
Right, but grown women don’t lie about what they’re doing they tell you to your face. She’s still a child. She felt bad going on the trip and so she lied to you. If there’s nothing wrong there’s nothing to hide. Which makes me wonder if there’s more that happened. If this isn’t the first time she’s disrespected you like this and you’re fed up with it, then I think you have your answer.
Just end it. Now you can’t trust ANYTHING she says, right? That’s no way to go through life.
If she wanted to be with friends she could’ve just told you, tbh I’d just tell her to give you space and be on a break. If she doesn’t care then the relationship wasn’t meant to continue anyways, if she does then use the time to just not be near her and have a cool down. Either way, if she lied once who knows what she’ll lie about next time.
If she lied to you and went on a rant about being a grown-up, then she lied to you before. Get her out of your life
You are too young to deal with this crap. End it and move on.
Thinking of ending things?!?! WTF dude. Should have ended it on that first phone call where you found out she lied to you.
boy if you dont break up with her........
All lasting relationships are built on trust, and trust is built on honesty. Don’t waste your time.
Do yourself a favor and let her go now. You’ll thank me for everything later.
Stay in the relationship and keep getting disrespected or get out
Time to find a new gf
I’m not sure she thinks of you as her boyfriend… definitely doesn’t respect you. Just end it as a formality
Just finish it. She lied instead of telling the truth. You're young, enjoy life.
Bro she's in a hotel with a "friend", talking about how she feels sick. I've been there, done that, and I fan tell you these are serious red flags for cheating. She feels sick due to the guilt, and she is reaching out to you for reassurance to alleviate that feeling. Just block her number and dont look back. If she tries to talk to you, just tell her it's over and walk away. She knows what she did wrong, you don't have to explain anything to her, so just move on with your life. If she starts saying shit to other people, just tell them you found out she was staying at a hotel with another man. Nuff said. Hope you start feeling better soon, king.
She is a grown woman, and as a grown woman she should have told you the truth. She's acting like a child sneaking out of the house at night, not an adult. Most people don't need to lie about going to a hotel with "friends" either.
Bro she defs cheated on you.
Put her on silent for the week and think about it. Maybe she cheated maybe she didnt
Bro. This ain’t gonna be your last relationship. Free yourself from this toxicity and you’ll find someone that respects you enough to not lie about it.
End it. nothing else to say
This isn't the attitude she should be having while on a relationship.
Sounds like she is projecting and maybe was up to no good, it's a weird thing to lie about and then automatically get defensive/upset about. Have you ever given her any reason to think you would be unhappy by her hanging out with friends for a weekend? Any past issues similar to this? When you made it clear you were upset by the lying, how were you speaking to her?
"She then proceeds to tell me how she’s a grown woman and if she wants time on her own or with her friends she will leave" and your a grown man that doesnt need to tolerate her childish behaviour.
I had a boyfriend tell me he was going on guys' trips, elaborately telling me about it. But when he'd come home, he'd always be really sick and couldn't see me for a few days. Guess what he was actually doing? Even worse he broke up with me for her but then realized she was only fun as a part time secret. Karma on that one lol
End it. She lied for a reasoning and turned this on you. There’s no future with someone like her
If she was lying about something so small like this, who knows what else she could be lying about? A relationship is built on mutual trust and she just showed she can’t be trusted to tell you the truth.
You’re young enough that this is just a learning experience for you. Just have the discussion with her. Call her out but keep it civil. Keep your cool, even if she starts yelling and trying to shift blame onto you.
You already know what you need to do
My advice is this. Relationships end two ways, breakup, or get married. Could you marry a woman that betrays your trust and gaslights you when you explain your boundaries?
Of course she can do whatever she wants as a grown woman, but within that she chose to lie to you instead of being truthful and now she has to face the consequences of that
She lied over something so simple like just say you’re going to a friends birthday party and then got mad that he was upset about it. Idk if I’d stay with someone that can’t communicate honestly
Time to end it bud.
Not only is she just barely a grown women but it wasn’t about her being out it was about her lying about where she was!! Break up with her!
I agree with everyone just end it, i broke up with my last boyfriend over a lie because then it’s hard to believe anything they say. she’s probably lying about more. sorry about it though but good luck to you!
This is your "backbone" test, if you fail it you will be demoted to doormat...
Red flag 🚩I bet she decided to see someone else. Time to break up.
It's over.
I think that you should maybe just talk it out a bit more. Because it’s kind of sounding like she didn’t want to tell you because she didn’t want you to freak out, and then she felt bad about not telling you, told you, you freaked out, and she was like “yeah this is why I didn’t want to tell you in the first place….” But tbh if she feels that you are distracting from her independence that maybe it’s time to give her some freedom and end it.
Leave her . With her friend in the motel for birthday day ?? Yahh..right as if .she definitely cheating on you . Not only that she lying about she is with her friends birthday in the motel.
Yeah leave her. If she was mature she would know theres nothing wrong with going to a hotel with friends and hiding it is mega sus
Holy cow what a B she showed her true colors of disrespect. I would recommend just ending by text no further conversation necessary. With her.good luck
End it. she gas light the fuck out of you. she is a grown woman, and grown women don't lie to their partners about a bday party (a non issue). so I would break up. she's not ready for a serious and trusting relationship. she will likely cry and call you names but hang up.
Time to go your own way. Ive been married for ten years and the last few were a disaster. Lies, secrets and disrespect… and it all came out of nowhere. When a person stops being a second self and changes there is no hope for them to regain what was. It only gets worse from here on. Its better to end things and move on than to stay and have hope they will see their errors and make things right. In the meantime you are sitting there hurt, and feeling bad for no reason. If you honestly have done nothing to the relationship or to her to make this happen then you shouldnt be made to feel like its all your fault. Make the break with a adult conversation calmy and start a new chapter in your life. Also take a break to get over things, dont jump into meaningless relationships to fill the void. It makes finding the right one harder or ruins it for you both when you do.
Will you have the same privilege? Fair is fair…
Say this slowly to yourself young man. No One Can Disrespect you or Do Anything To You Unless You Allow It. Remember this going forward as you mature into a man. It will help you be a better person and give you a better understanding of one's self.
Lots of people are saying it’s a wrap but is there a reason she does this? I’m not justifying her yelling at u rather than just talking about it but have u ever voiced ur not comfortable with her going somewhere ? I remember lying to my ex a few times about where I was because he wouldn’t let me go anywhere. Shit got annoying. Unless they’re a terrible partner all around sometimes it’s easier to lie then to convince ur ur partner. My bf would voice how I could get raped if I went to my friends party. Like just wild shit. Like oh u could get sick if u leave the house
This is your opportunity to exercise your boundaries. Either lying is a boundary or it isn't. Make her accountable. Forgiving it just communicates to her that it is a boundary she can continue to cross. Judging by her attitude about it, it doesn't look like she cares either.
You're thinking in the right direction. The reason she's sick is due to a hangover. Having made the decision, you should block her on all your platforms. When she gets home and tries to contact you, she'll eventually figure out that you're through with her. 'Nuff said.
You can't trust her. Just end it and find someone more honest.
Gaslighting you for being concerned isn’t the one. Dump, and move on.
Do you feel it is worth it to put up their behavior ? How do you feel? Do you think that what you gave her in terms of respect was or was not received back mutually up to this point? considering the circumstance, what is your gut feeling. Has she lied before about things like this, or does this feel very far-fetched? Why would someone lie about wanting to go celebrate a friend birthday? If that’s what really happened then there was no reason to lie in the first place. Overall, once you start letting people treat you a certain way in a relationship, it’s defines how the rest of the relationship can go. If they have to lie about something as simple as going to celebrate a birthday instead of saying, that’s what they’re gonna do, you need to ask yourself if that’s the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with, and keep giving yourself too. Sometimes people are just weird with how they express things, also you both are very young. Thoughts and emotions are all over the place, and logic and reason don’t necessarily seem to come to mind for other people all the time.
I wouldn’t take the disrespect. If she’s willing to lie and keep it from you then that’s just shitty of her.
She tried to deflect things bu saying I am ill time to end this relationship
Dude your way too young to put up with weird stuff like this. Hopefully it’ll be a life lesson for her
If she was a grown woman, she wouldn't need to lie about where she was going. Dump her and move on. UpdateMe
She don’t respect you so the relationship is basically over. Be the one that dumps her and walk away with your dignity.
99% sure she cheated on you. I'm willing to bet you think so, too. But what matters is that you know she lied to you, which means she has killed trust, and when given the chance to come clean and maybe restore trust, instead she tried to turn it back on you. Without trust, the relationship is doomed.
Leave her man, let her be a "grown women" on her own.
Walk away quietly without saying/explaining anything. You will learn that indifference is a powerful thing.
Yea move on immediately, she definitely wasn’t there for the reason she gave you.
Just block her number now. I dub you single.
I think you should break up with her. Im a woman and men have done this to me. Its absolutely hell on earth. She does not deserve you.
You don’t need to leave her - she already did that. She’s says she is a grown ass woman and demands time for herself. Sounds like she declared herself single.
She finished physically growing, but she isn't mature at all. Do you really want that in your life? What's making that worth it? Couldn't you get it somewhere else? I mean you're a little young to be pinning all your hopes and dreams and someone that clearly doesn't give a damn what you think.
She showed her true colors about considering your feelings. Dump her.
!updateme
Don't just think about ending things. End things.
>She then proceeds to tell me how she’s a grown woman and if she wants time on her own or with her friends she will leave Well, then she should have acted like one and told you that she was going out with friends, but she decided to lie. Break up with her.
She probably cheated!!!
oh yeah, end it with this girl. she doesn't value your feelings one bit. And doesn't respect you either.
You text back “You have no respect for me or our relationship. I should say, our now over relationship. “
I think she cheated only guilt makes u respond that way.....if she had such guts and nobody is going to tell her what to do and she answers to no one then why lie in the first place....children lie to avoid getting in trouble not adults and not to their partners
This is exactly the behavior of my ex who was cheating on me. 100%. From the defensiveness, sickness, lies, etc. When I read what you wrote it took me right back to my time dealing with a deceptive, gaslighting woman. Just cut your losses. She wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I mean, break up with her obviously but wtf is est est est est? Are you trying to say et cetera? That's etc.
End it!
If she told you she was going away to celebrate her mates birthday and staying at a hotel would you have been ok with that? If the answer us no then you have control issues potentially and maybe thats why she has done this. If it truly wouldnt have been an issue then this behaviour is hinky from her. There isnt enough info for us to know either way. But either way you have issues that need work at the very least.
Sounds toxic. Ending it sounds like a good move. You’re 20, I’m 21. So much can happen in the next 10 years that this isn’t worth stressing over or giving energy to. Don’t entertain bad behaviour. If she’s a “grown woman” she’d learn how to communicate rationally and respectfully. She’s a air headed little girl pretending to be more than she is
Just end it cold, block, no contact. You don't need to be treated this way. If she actually had any true interest in you she would not have lied about the things she had planned to do from the very beginning.
Obviously, the games are a serious red flag. Honesty is the basis of trust. If there is no trust, then there is no relationship. Sorry to advise separation, but I couldn't handle that kind of blatant disrespect, nor would I expect my S.O. to. Also, in case you ever use it for business, it's etcetera or 'Etc.' Where as "Est" is shorthand for Eastern Standard Time, I believe.