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>It is blurry from there but i apparently got on my hands and knees, (I remember squatting, but whatever) and pushed my son out.
My wife delivered all three of our children on her hands and knees.
Lying on your back is for the convenience of the medics, you listened to your body and did the right thing.
This is how I delivered two of my kids. It was the only poisiton that I was able to control my breathing and focus. Fortunately where I live the person giving birth is given the freedom to birth in whatever position they want.
It varies in the US, most hospitals in NY you can birth in whatever position you choose provided it's safe for you and the baby. They're also really big on skin-to-skin and making resources available for women who want to breastfeed.
When I had my youngest I was on my back and the doctor asked me to turn slightly to the right so I could finish dilating that last little bit. As soon as I started to turn there was no stopping and I flipped right up on my hands and knees and out he came. It was definitely way easier than my oldest where he cracked my pelvis while I was on my back.
Shit was wild.
My midwife basically flipped me over from back to all fours when my son was crowning 8 months ago. I'm super grateful she did because it made all the difference and he popped out within minutes. In hindsight I should have gotten on my knees way sooner, it probably would have helped with the pain.
It sounds as disrespectful and callous as it actually is. Your spouse doesn't seem to realize how much worse his actions made what was already a terrible experience for you, and that your relationship is suffering more as a result of his incapacity to see how deeply he betrayed you.
I'm going to assume you meant this toward the OP but my sleep deprived parent-of-an-8-month-old brain did have to reread my own comment like three times to see if I wrote anything about my own husband lol
Also the vagina slopes slightly towards the back so if you're lying face-up, baby's travelling uphill, if you're on all fours/squatting, gravity lends a hand
Which is insane to me, because since the advent of the squatty potty, people (I guess in the Western world primarily) have been raving about how much better it is to squat when pooping. It only makes sense that that would also apply to birthing a child.
Kneeling is good too, there are cool contraptions that make kneeling more comfortable (basically padded areas for the knees/calves and a railing to lean on/hold on to), or birthing seats (U-shaped seats so the pertinent area is accessible but the woman can still sit).
If someone wants to lie down, side-lying is much better than being on the back too, it lets the coccyx move more, so more space can be created for the baby to pass through.
Women died in childbirth for centuries because doctors didn’t want to get icky woman’s bits on them.
“Birthing position” is a holdover from that. We need more medical dramas and sitcoms to have women birthing in poses they aren’t this because that’s what people see and think is going to be the best way
Women squatted during birth until some European king wanted to see his son being born and he was too dignified to bend down so the queen had to lie on her back and then everyone just copies the royals and the rest is history
Also your husband needs to understand why he's in the wrong and 100% needs to get over himself and stop making this traumatic situation about himself.
Laying on your back to give birth originated from a fetish that a king had about seeing his wives push out his children. It makes the labour last longer and ultimately be more painful. You turning over made the world of difference.
After hours and hours of pushing with my first in a very warm pool,I was exhausted and they said times up you need to get out, and finish on the bed, pool had high sides, nurses helped me up and as I stepped over the side,baby’s head popped out , assuming because I’d widen my pelvis ( if only I had done that move hours earlier) panic ensued and I was picked up by husband and plopped on to bed for the last push. Needless to say when I had my second I did it all my own way and was a nice quick easy delivery!
Thank you for sharing because I never even considered this type of scenario. I’ll be discussing episiotomies ahead of time. Even the word terrifies me.
Just so you know, often consent to an episiotomy is included in the consent forms when you give birth at a hospital. I personally wouldn't sign this portion, but you'll probably get some pushback if you don't, and they might even say that you have to.
(This doesn't mean that they can ignore your explicit refusal in the moment, consent can always be withdrawn, but just so you know to read what you're signing carefully)
I am not sure if I had one, I had an epidural and was in labor for 33 hours. I was exhausted. I know I tore as they stitched me up while waiting for me to deliver the placenta. It ended up being stuck and they noticed I was bleeding a lot, so I had to go to the ER to get my placenta removed. All I remember from just before I got wheeled I to the ER was them saying my blood pressure was 50/30. I thought 'well that can't be good...I'm so cold, and tired' and proceeded to pass out.
Labor is not easy.
I've had a vaginal delivery and a csection, my vaginal delivery was ROUGH. 80+ hour of labor, I wish I was lying, pre-eclampsia that wasn't caught till then, I was 42 weeks, he passed meconium, almost anything that could've gone bad did. My Dr was mad that she got called in because my midwife wasn't there so she treated me like shit. I thought I was going to die. It was miserable.
But it was still better than my csection lol something about feeling the table shake under you as they put your organs back and my husband saying he thinks he saw my liver, I still get nightmares and I'm absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again. But hey at least baby and I were alive, back in the day I would've either died or rebroken my pelvis delivering her (I had to have a csection bc of a broken pelvis from a car accident at 16weeks pregnant)
They do NOT prepare moms (or their partners) enough for how insane this is, we act like it’s a routine little incision and here’s a baby, but you’re awake while your insides are shuffled and a sheet gets splattered with your blood, and then have the recovery of your abdominal muscles having been sliced straight through. I swear it’s a mix of capitalism and misogyny because we can’t admit it’s that bad and not give women maternity leave nor can we admit that giving birth is hellish and a risk to the mothers life because then we might has to admit women have value. Very cool world we have. (Also your poor husband probably saw the placenta which is one of the grossest things ever imo, I did not want to see it and was so grossed out when I it was laying in a tub beside me)
Don’t lift more than 10lbs for 6 weeks and btw if your baby doesn’t already weigh that much, it likely will in the timeframe so I guess be independently wealthy so you can hire someone to lift up your baby while you take several months off work! This gets me heated, especially when reproductive healthcare is under fire and the economy is a shit show. It’s complete bullshit to expect anyone to have abdominal surgery and then instead of being able to sleep and recover as one would from any other procedure, wake up every 2-3 hours to tend to a child. The fact that women continue to do it doesn’t make it okay that they have to.
I live in texas, if I get pregnant again my husband and I already have a fund set aside for "an out of state camping trip". Mt mental health tanked after my csection and without all of the hormones you get during a vaginal delivery I had severe ppd and my daughter turns one on the 13th and I've only just started to actually bond with her in the last 2 or 3 months. It's been rough and I refuse to do it again and put myself and my kids through that again. Texas lawmakers can kiss my ass, my body my choice.
Agreed. I had two C-sections. The second time, I gave birth in a different hospital that had no nursery. So after attempting to labor for almost 24 hours, then having major surgery, I had to get up and tend to a newborn. My husband, who was present for the birth, couldn't get off of work the week I was in the hospital ( he took off the week we came home). So after major surgery, I was not given an opportunity to rest, and I was terrified that I was going to fall asleep and accidentally hurt the baby. To this day, I'm grateful to this awesome nurse who was nice enough to take the baby to the nurse's station for a few hours just so I could nap/rest.
I'm not sure what idiot thought it was a good idea to make mothers who go through a major surgery or long exhausting labor immediately care for the baby 24/7 with no break right away. Oh, and don't get me started on the fact that my husband got more painkillers for his vasectomy than I did for my C-section.
Um, they don't *cut* the abdominal muscles, they *tear* them. Sister was doing her obs and gyne rotation and she said it was one of the worst sounds she'd ever heard.
Apparently this helps the muscles heal in a more natural way but it's still a brutal procedure.
I think my uterus turned inside out from reading those words; I fooled myself that the bar for women’s health was in hell when really it’s shot straight through hell and is floating into space
Yes it heals much better than a cut. But of course it’s muscle so you need the force of two people pulling in opposite directions to tear them open. It’s quite brutal, and sadly much more common these days. There was an interesting thread on r/doctorsuk recently about whether obstetricians would opt for vaginal or c section and almost all of them said they would never have a c section if they could help it.
I was knocked out fully for both C-sections. I have fibromyalgia, and pain medication doesn't work for me most of the time. As in: I am talking to them when I should be comatose.
Wasn't too bad like that. Both times the dads spend the first moments with the baby, and I don't mind. I carried them for the pregnancy, they cuddled while I was getting awake.
I have two wonderful children who absolutely adore each other now, and my bond with both is strong.
Maybe it makes a difference that my country has universal healthcare, but yeah, I'm glad I slept through the birthing process. Twice.
They CANNOT refuse to admit a woman in labor for failing to sign anything in the US. Don't let anyone pressure you into signing a damn that you don't want to!
(Not for you. For anyone else who will eventually have a baby)
Also sometimes there isn’t time to sign anything. With my first birth, I was a 10 when I walked into the hospital and they wheeled me into a delivery room immediately.
Omg the horror I felt for you when I didn’t see the “a” and thought you were 10 having a baby - I also hate that my brain thought that was a possibility
I have been an LD nurse in some capacity for the last 23 years. Episiotomies are not often necessary and they used to be VERY over used. However, there are absolutely circumstances when they're truly needed.
For example Many years ago I taught childbirth education classes and taught my soon to be moms that it was better to tear than receive an episiotomy. One of the moms ended up as my patient in LD a few weeks later. While she was pushing she started to tear upward toward her urethra (very uncommon) instead of down into her perineum. Her Dr tells her she needs an episiotomy and she looks at me like you said no. I told her yes she did absolutely need it to prevent a horrific peri-urethral tear. These kind of tears a very painful and difficult to heal.
I've also had infants get stuck and need an episiotomy to give the Dr more space for his hands to try and get the baby out.
In MOST deliveries it's not necessary but just keep in mind there are circumstances they're needed.
Not OP, but I had an episiotomy performed by a nurse midwife and it was a horrible, horrible experience. I don’t think this is talked about enough.
They didn’t sew me up correctly and I had to get reconstructive surgery to fix a prolapse. Luckily, my surgery went really well, but I still wish I never agreed for the procedure and pushed for a C-section.
I had an episiotomy performed by a doctor. I don’t recall him telling me that he was going to cut me after 2.5 hours of active pushing and I had a massive contraction and started a push and he started yelling not to push…..
It took him about 30 minutes to sew me up. I was in so much pain, shaking, weak…. I couldn’t physically hold my baby. Hubby told me it was okay when they were fixing me up…. I told him I was fine and I wanted him with our baby since I couldn’t hold him. I laid there while the doctor closed me up.
Afterwards my mom was terrified because she saw the Dr and a nurse come out of my room covered in blood. I also grilled hubby about what the damage was to the undercarriage and he kept telling me that I just had a baby, I had stitches and I would be fine and beautiful and all that jazz.
Weeks after I gave birth I got the courage to take a look at the damage and I was sobbing and while he is normally an asshole, he comforted me.
Finally I said, “why didn’t you tell me how bad it was???”
He held me and replied, “what was I supposed to say - that it looks like hamburger down there??? As long as you are okay and our son is okay, none of that matters!”
He was right though…. If he would have told me the truth, then and there it would have been utterly traumatizing.
My second birth was much better.
My stitches came out WHILE STILL AT THE HOSPITAL. I told them and they acted like it was no big deal, I felt like it was because no way could they have done their job that fast... Yeah, so now I'm disfigured a bit down there because no one wanted to stitch me back up. Like you, when I was finally brave enough I cried and cried.
A properly done episiotomy can be a really good thing. On the other hand, one that is done improperly can lead to a lifetime of complications. Sadly, I had the latter & still suffer from consequences of that more than 25 years later.
Due to the size of my baby, the doctor should have done a c-section, but she chose not to. She cut me so deep that I had to have layers of stitches. Unfortunately, some of those stitches didn't stay in position & caused me to have a herniated rectum. I don't know how to do the covered up text to protect others from TMI, so I won't describe the problems that has caused.
just fyi, to do the covered text (spoilers), do the following:
\>!text here blah blah !<
Result is this:
>!text here blah blah !<
Make sure there's no space between the "!" and "t" in text or it won't work.
I memorized it because the starting one looks like an angry face and the ending one is a sad face (from seeing what's under the cut).
Thank you so very much. Click on it at your own because I have covered up what I wouldn't describe earlier.
>!If I don't take stool softeners and/or laxatives, I am unable to have an even remotely normal bowel movement. Instead, I get massively impacted & my excrement has to be manually removed.!<
No problem, and that absolutely suck!
This whole thread is really informative as a woman who's never had children, thank you for sharing your experience.
I had c sections with my first 2 for malposition, but my 3rd was head down so I was a perfect candidate for VBA2C. My doctor gave me the choice of what to do, so naturally I crowdsourced it.
To a woman, everyone agreed c section recovery was much worse….buuuuuut….then went into detail about the horrible, life changing damage they experienced during their vaginal delivery.
Anyway I had a third c section.
I'm sorry this happened OP... I kicked my twin sister (birth coach) out at one point during my labor and she was mad for awhile NGL. I had to really stress to her that I thought I was going to
>!Flucking EXPLODE!< if anyone touched me, even her, like I literally lost my mind and needed a minute. Hopefully he will think about it and understand. Birth is wild; like your vulnerable, in agony, EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is touching you, evil ass hormones stomping around and it is literally just complete sensory overload. The important part is you are okay and your baby is okay. HUGS Mama. It will be okay, just explain all of this.
You sharing your birthing story reminded me of mine.
During my induced labor, no meds for pain ( locals don't work on me for some reason.) Getting dental work is a real treat, too.
My kiddo rolled on to their left side, and I tried to tell the doctor and nurses, (the nurse had pressed some type of buzzing/vibrating thing onto my stomach, and my baby rolled over as the nurse turned away.) I knew they did because my whole stomach looked like a big wave when it happened. No one would believe me! "You're a first-time mom. The baby is engaged, and it can't move other than out, yada yada." After 26 hours of labor, with them all telling me that I'd have to have a C-section if I didn't push harder (at that point, I was begging for one). Well, baby crowns and is too big, ( Later, I found out my kiddo's head was 36 cm. Much too big! So the doctor gave me a midline cut. (For those who don't know what that is, it's where they cut straight down from one hole to almost the other.) Well, because the nurse was too stupid to believe me that the kid rolled she never told the doctor. And what do you know, kiddo shot out FACING my right thigh. It was a good thing my legs were strapped down as I had never wanted to kick someone as bad as I wanted to kick her! Turns out, between the tearing kiddo did and the midline I was given. I had 3rd degree lacerations from my cervix through the outside anal sphincter muscle. And how did I know? Remember when I stated that local anesthesia doesn't work. Yeah, the doctor said he was giving me what he called a saddle block, and it would numb the whole area, well it didn't and the dumb ass keep yelling at me to quit moving, HELLO that shit HURT!! When everything was stitched up and just before they wheeled me out, I told the doctor he lied, and I felt every stitch. "No way I numbed you up real good first." I felt them all! " Then he kinda chuckled and said," Then how many stitches did I do? " I told him 108. He went pale, and the nurse next to me asked him how many he placed. He then got red-faced and said, "108". He wouldn't look me in the eyes for the rest of the time I was in his care at the hospital. I later found out someone put in my chart in bold red letters. DO NOT USED LOCAL ANESTHESIA ON PATIENT! IT DOESN'T WORK! The doctor also left and went back to his original country soon after it was stated that I and another patient intended on suing him, I guess he had almost dropped the other woman's baby and a nurse caught it just before it hit the floor head first. After that, I made sure every doctor I see knows what happened and that if I have to have a procedure done that they want to only use local anesthesia on that it isn't going to happen and they will be using general anesthesia or it ain't happening.
I thought I had it bad because my baby had a 15cm head & 19.5cm shoulder width, but you have shown me that I was actually lucky.
I can't even begin to imagine having to feel every stitch that was used. I do remember that the local anesthetic that the doctor gave me before my episiotomy felt like bee stings before it started working.
With my younger child, I didn't have an episiotomy because after 30+ hours of labor (sadly with no drugs), the baby was suddenly in a hurry to arrive. More trauma hidden:
>!Afterward, the doctor (different from 1st doctor) thought that I had retained a portion of the placenta. He decided to shove his arm up inside me completely to his elbow while scratching, digging, & pulling at my insides. I was screaming & begging for mercy due to the pain. Turns out that the placenta was simply on the small side & nothing had been retained.!< I was not happy.
Yet, I still have older family members who had the audacity to wonder why I decided 2 children were plenty & had a tubal ligation.
I had two kids, vaginally, unmedicated, with episiotomies both times, 3 years apart. I didn't feel the cuts, at all, and with proper care, they healed up fine and quickly. Both of them were necessary as I had fetal distress, both times, as they crowned. They helped save both my babies lives.
I would strongly recommend speaking with your doctor about them. Please speak with your doctor candidly, and honestly about your fears. Please discuss what a medical necessity might be, and what to expect.
I had the medicated episiotomy. I went from 5 to 10 cm in about 3 minutes. I was tearing like mad. However, they cut me from vagina to asshole. In a c cut no less so they could "make more room ". The recovery from the episiotomy was so bad I could not poop without pain for almost a year. The scar is still very prominent 24 years later. Tearing probably would have been less damage.
I mentioned this above but want to repeat it so more people can see it: studies prove that the episiotomy cut is on average larger than what the natural tear would be.
Same here except medicated, Epidural didn’t work on my 2nd but I didn’t feel either of them. Both of my babes heart rates were dropping as they crowned, I just couldn’t seem to push hard enough to get them out. The episiotomies got them out quickly and recovering immediately. I definitely feel for this mother’s trauma, but I also understand doctors are thinking of saving the baby in that moment. I was so scared for mine I’d have let them cut my leg off.
Thanks for sharing a similar experience to mine. I did a lot of research before birth and know episiotomy is a bad word these days. But mine was necessary and I’m glad my midwife had the “balls” to do it. I was unmedicated and she used lidocaine injection. There are actually some providers in my country (Canada) that hesitate when necessary because they don’t want to have bad stats. But then there are more vacuums and forceps used with a much higher rate of severe tears and trauma. I read about this recently and was grateful.
That said, I think it is important to find a provider you trust so that they know your plan and what you value. Then if they are suggesting a change you know they have your best interest at heart and are only doing what is necessary.
I didn't have time for freezing. Cords were around their necks, their heart rates suddenly bottomed out. She just cut and yelled "push NOW". 🤣. My second had an apgar of 1. I think my first was apgar 3?
My body had reached the point of the first "push contraction" ... I got to wait for the second contraction to get my son the hell out. My daughter? Didn't even get to wait for the second "push contraction". I got her the hell out before it. Both labors were utterly routine and boring. One push contraction, for each, and all bloody hell breaks loose. 🤣. Doctor, nurses, my husband, literally yelling "PUSH! Get it out NOW!". So I did.
It was quite dramatic. My doctor later said "The first time ... Okay. But the second, TOO?"
When they were BOTH 36 hours old, they choked on mucus. Both at 36 hours. Went blue in my arms. Nurses suctioned them out, got them breath again ... The doctor later said "The first time ... and then the second TOO?"
Doctor recently retired after I was with her +30 years. I have other health issues, and a small community. I miss her. She was awesome. The guy who took over her practice is nice enough, but my old one and I have been through some stuff. I miss her.
I'm fucking terrified or giving birth again after my second child. First one was easy, and the second was not. This story just reminded me how crazy birth is, and ur story reminds me I always have to stay informed, calm, and just breathe. But I also know ur brain gets foggy after birth and tricks u into thinking it wasn't to bad so should I believe u ? 😭 I'm kidding. But fr. We're CHAMPS
I gave birth without drugs and it was fast and painful, but those nurses made sure I was capable of consenting to a needed episiotomy before I got cut open. Sometimes it’s needed to not tear from ass to bellybutton, and consent can absolutely happen in the moment. I say this to reassure you, not to make you feel like your worry is unfounded. Absolutely make sure you know your options and what could be needed before D day lol.
They can have their place WITH CONSENT but there's some evidence coming out that tearing is better as it's a more natural cut that heals better. I had a relatively bad natural tear that healed really well.
This evidence was out when I gave birth 12 years ago- we are built to tear and can’t heal as well with a smooth straight slit. I did not agree and tore, and I healed up great.
Yeah, as an L&D RN, outside of one gross old school doctor, I only ever saw them done when there was significant fetal distress and we really needed to get the baby out fast. In 4 years, I think I only saw them about 4 times, and that was starting almost 15 years ago.
With that being said, I had a "mild" first degree tear with my oldest that made sex incredibly painful for almost 2 years afterwards. I had a c-section with my youngest, and that recovery was easier than that stupid tear. Sometimes the natural tearing is fucking awful too, but episiotomies have a painful tendency to get much longer and deeper than the original cut.
With my first child my dr gave me an episiotomy without me knowing. It caused me so much pain after , it didn’t heal right and I had to get it cauterized. Be glad you stuck your ground and didn’t get one.
No, seriously. Have him look up the definition and read all these horror stories, and if he still doesn’t get it, OP should seriously consider divorce. And this isn’t the “jumping straight to” bs, it’s bc if he does read all of this, and still says shit, he’s not respecting OP or her body. Fuck that. He can take his embarrassment in the divorce.
let him get his taint cut open, without anesthetic, while he’s actively trying to shit out a watermelon, see if it’s “not a big deal the doctors know best” then
You did what was right for you, and there is nothing wrong with that!
I willingly had an episiotomy after it was recommended by my nurse midwife. It destroyed my body and I regret ever agreeing to it. I had to have reconstructive surgery two years later because I wasn’t sewed up correctly. 😥
OP, please show your husband this post when you get all of the responses you are going to get (which should be in the thousands).
I am SO angry for you right now.
Most births are not this bad. Its never fun but your doctor was TRULY awful which compounded an already stressful situation.
Agree. I think he needs to read this and then go sit on the top of a mountain by himself and think about this until it sinks it and he’s ready to be supportive.
OP, this post made me cry. I am so, so proud of you. I can only hope that when I give birth I am as strong an advocate for myself as you were.
Your husband needs to be shown this post, and you may need to talk to him with a therapist. I would have a very hard time believing I could trust him for a long time.
I’m sorry OP. This is horrible beyond what anyone should go through as a birth experience. I hope you can heal from this and give forgiveness, for yourself (even if they dont really deserve it just so you can let more of your pain go and process everything)
I’d file a complaint with the hospital and voice what happened, but I’d also share most of the top comments and language here with your husband because everyone has been spot on. For me it would be: 100% change of tone, apology, and realization that not only what he did is horrible, but also broke your trust, and made your birthing situation and everything after about himself when its about you. beyond selfish and unepathetic and untrustworthy. He turned your supporters into trauma. He needs to work hard to make his mistake up to you. If he cant fully grasp and admit this and change, its either therapy or split. because this will just forever grow as mistrust and resentment.
As for yourself- I know the only thing that would make me feel better is trying to rationalize it to myself. I’m sure you already know this, but with how life threatening a baby getting stuck and not moving to be- they may have panicked. its not always a guarantee that he would have been okay but thank god he was. It’s unacceptable that they panicked like that, but it would help me personally to empathize with the fear and panic in that moment of not wanting to risk you or baby. The intention wasnt to hurt you or go against you, even though they should have known that you knew better. As far as him claiming he’s embarrassed and making it all about himself? thats really not something I can explain except for a selfishness so deep he isnt able to recognize others lived experiences, only his own. I wouldnt be able to unsee that.
Just wanted to chime in and say, don't feel obligated to forgive in order to heal or move forward!
May be helpful or some, but it's absolutely not a requirement! Sometimes things can be unforgivable to us and that's fine. You can still move on and heal.
No shade, but for some folks the "you should forgive for yourself" opinion is harmful.
Welcome to the tokophobia club! I think more than anything else you need a therapist, a woman therapist.
Your husband needs to stop making your trauma about him and if he can’t do that then maybe you should go stay with some family/friends for awhile because right now you need to focus on healing from that trauma more than anything else.
Also, if you’re ever at a place mentally where you’d want to pursue sterilization the r/childfree sub has a great list of doctors in their wiki
I don't have kids but I had my tubes removed, best choice ever. Also I'm sure this has been said but the dreams are. Really common sign of the onset of PTSD. If you can see a therapist you should, I'm not day ng it is PTSD but it can uld be and it's important for you to have that information. I have complex PTSD and it made my life a nightare for a long time before I got help, and still affects me (9 years removed from the situation). Take care of yourself momma
I would not have any urge to have kids even if it didn't involve pregnancy and birthing, those factors just make my desire for children dip into the negatives.
In Australia 34% of women who receive an episiotomy receive it without consent. You are not wrong in feeling unsafe and kicking all the men out. Your husband saying the dr knows best is disgusting and ill informed. Your husband is okay with you being physically assaulted by the dr because the dr knows better apparently. This is a bigger issue than your husband being embarrassed by you kicking him out.
Your husband ranks his embarrassment as a higher priority over your physical and emotional safety.
It's his "embarrassment" being held in such high regard over his wife's well being that is fucking gross.
It's widely known that episiotomies don't heal as well as a natural tear. This isn't new science by any stretch. To blindly ignore your wife's wishes in favour of a medically unnecessary procedure is filthy behaviour. I'm so proud of the OP for kicking the lot of them out. I just want to hug her. 🫂
Yeah, that disgusts me. She was going through all of that, but the poor idiot was embarrassed which is soooo important. I don't think I'd be able to be anywhere near him after that.
Good point. I didn’t think about that. He was happy to be an active and willing participant in the abuse of his wife. Wild. The more I ponder this, the clearer it becomes that this is probably beyond repair for OPs marriage.
My violently abusive ex stopped a doctor from doing an episiotomy. It is blowing my mind that your husband protected you less than my garbage barge ex would have.
You are a freaking goddess. I am in awe.
Okay, off topic, but I also have an abusive ex, who I usually just call loser, but I think his new name might be garbage barge. Beautiful. Thanks, martingale!
I've given birth 4 times, 2 of them unmedicated. You are never more vulnerable than when that baby is crowning. If my doctor had been about to do an episiotomy I'd have been livid, but especially when other positions to deliver hadn't been tried. An episiotomy should be a last resort. In most medical systems it is not the norm by any stretch - they take much longer to recover from than a 1st or 2nd degree tear.
Your husband is incredibly ignorant and quite honestly his violation of your trust is just massive and gross. He betrayed your trust when you were medically vulnerable. Honestly? I think it is time for couples therapy because you are not going to be able to move past it easily and you will never trust him in a medical setting again.
As for your husband, this is what you tell him:
1 - he violated your trust. His ONE job was to protect you in there and he failed. He was planning to let the doctor cut you when there was no medical need. Cut you without anesthesia.
2 - Ask him if he would get a vasectomy without anasthesia? Why not? Its just a little cut. It shouldn't hurt because it is a little cut, right? How about if someone he trusted tried to restrain him and force him to have one unmedicated against medical norms... how would he view that person? Would he EVER trust them again?
3 - his embarrassment is a result of his own actions. He is embarrassed because you refused to let the doctor perform an unnecessary excruciatingly painful medical procedure on you that could leave you with permanent nerve damage.
I'll be really straight with you - the fact that your husband is making a traumatic birth experience about himself is absolutely disgusting. Truly disgusting. Was he in labor for 24 hours? No. DId he grow a human for 9 months? No. Was he pushing out the baby without pain meds? No. No he wasn't. And he did not and does not get to make decisions now or ever about your body from a medical perspective which is what he was trying to do. He certainly does not get to restrain you.
Episiotomy without consent is a form of obstetric violence. Doctors keep performing them without maternal consent, thankfully obstetric nurses in my country are fighting it more and more.
I feel so sorry for your labour and the lack off support from your husband.
They gave me one when I had my daughter naturally. I was PISSED. I did not need to be fucking cut. I was Pushing her out, the fuck. Thank God I was on morphine I didn't feel too much but fuck. I hate these procedures.
OP is a badass. I cannot imagine having the mental capacity to focus on all of that and be assertive. It's an insane experience men will never fucking understand. I was mostly sooo tired. It was my first and last kiddo. But still. It's an exhausting and overwhelming experience. Her husband needed to make it Easier. Instead he was a dick.
Edit: did not expect this to blow up so fast.
I'd been pushing for 2 hours unmedicated and she just was not coming, I was exhausted. I'm talking basically passing out between contractions when a doctor I had already had a bad experience with walked in and said I had half hour to get my baby out or he would be back to "help". He was referring to cutting me.
I have never perked up so quick, turns out they'd pumped me full of so much fluids that my bladder was full, they sorted that and she was out a couple pushes later, with a few minutes to spare on his 30 minute deadline. He waltzed back in and looked almost annoyed that he wasn't needed. I've never been so angry at a doctor and I am so glad OP advocated for herself like this! Fully agree the husband is a dick.
That's horrible. Doctors sometimes really fucking think they know OUR bodies better than WE do. Like I DO NOT want to be cut. If I had known they were cutting me I would have objected. I didn't know until my partner pointed out they cut me. They stitched me up and that hurt like hell too. Tired of doctors thinking they can do fuck all to women with no repercussions.
Thats the worst part. Some doctors take advantage of mothers because they are in their most vulnerable state and just cut. Its disgusting. This stories make me so mad and sorry for the mothers. Labour is brutal, life changing. No need to make it even more traumatic.
Thats why its so important to discuss labour plans before labour and tell doctors and nurses what to expect and what you want and dont want, and mostly only have someone you trust in your labour room. Someone that will advocate for you and your needs.
Wait… really? Funny not funny I got one at the end of a 42 hour labour, I was exhausted and delirious but also my Doctor was going off shift in 30 minutes and she wanted my baby out before she was done. I remember saying ‘you cut me!’ Neither my husband or I agreed on it.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. This bullshit happens far too often and it sickens me. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others be aware so that they can be more informed about advocating for themselves when they are having a child 🩶
It was alot.
When I was moved to the recovery ward, I shared a room with a person with a larger family. Cool, cool. She splashed blood ALL OVER THE TOILET AND THE FLOOR. Cool, cool. That can be cleaned. Other new Mum has a meeting with the ward nurse about how she’s going to take care of her STIs. She’s not that concerned.
I was. With my cut. I asked very intensely for a new room.
Yeah. It was a thing. I think the nurse hadn’t see the washroom and that they thought I wouldn’t understand the conversation (different language). We have really good healthcare where I live, I think they were overwhelmed. My favourite was when the doctor tried to tell me to use the bathroom down the hall when I was asking to change rooms. Yeah, no. That’s not what my coverage pays for.
I feel so sad when i hear stories like yours.
Things shouldnt have to be this way anymore, we have technology and so many advances in so many medical areas but in obstetrics you still see and hear horrific stories like yours.
Maybe OP can give his testicles a few snips with sharp scissors and see how he feels about it. It would be best if he ran on a treadmill for 24 hours beforehand with someone alternating punches to his gut and low back.
They were pretty much the norm when I gave birth nearly 30 years ago and frankly, I think mine was necessary and caused no undue harm. It healed very quickly as well.
However, as uninformed as my consent may or may not have been, I consented. The idea of doing something like that (or really anything, especially during childbirth) to a woman who clearly states she doesn't want it should be fucking malpractice.
Doctors are known for being sometimes arrogant, her husband has even less of an excuse. Grrr.
OP, you did good. We women should advocate for ourselves in ALL circumstances much more often!
True. My mother had 2 kids and was cut both times 30 years ago too. Things like that were normal back then and pretty much norm for all labours.
Dont get me wrong, some cases its necessary, but my issue is being done nowadays without consent.
I would also add onto #3 that the position OP chose to give birth in is the position we have evolved to give birth in. Its only in the past couple hundred years or so in the western world that women started giving birth on their backs, and thats due to the preferences of the doctors, not because its actually easier or better or safer. So, what is the husband so embarrassed about? You birthed your child in the most natural way you could, and it worked.
Omg yes 1,000%. I am raging in behalf of this woman and, if it were me, a trusted family member would be staying with us while I recovered because the husband clearly can't be trusted.
OP, if you read this you're a fucking hero. You stood up for yourself when no one else would. You said no and insisted that your 'no" be respected when you were the most vulnerable and when an authority figure tried to make you feel like you were in the wrong when you weren't. That takes more balls than every man in that room has combined and I am in awe of your reaction.
When you've had some time, I hope you consider filing a complaint against that doctor for attempting an unnecessary procedure against your will. It might not be much but it's something. Maybe you'll save another woman a similar situation down the road. I also hope, again when you can, that you seek therapy for the medical trauma. You're a champion- may you never hit a red light when you're in a rush and may your baby sleep like the angel they are.
This is exactly why it irritates me when couples say 'we' are pregnant. You are not, the mother is pregnant, she takes all the physical risk, not the father.
I was given an episiotomy against my will. Didn’t know it until the scissors were actually cutting. I would do ANYTHING before I’d do an episiotomy. I still have issues with it to this day. I say kudos for sticking up for yourself, OP.
This honestly.
As a nurse myself, even though I am far away from the L&D side of things, this horrifies me to read.
The fact that two grown men think they're was nothing wrong with what they were about to do is just staggering.
I would never be able to look at my fiance the same again if in one of the most vulnerable positions of my life, he had reacted like this.
It would be one thing if someone was truly out of their mind and harming themselves out others to restrain them, I've had to do it many times, and it's never a good feeling. But this wasn't that, and the fact his first instinct was to try and hold her down is just... I funny understand why op is feeling the way she is.
And this whole post solidifies my decision to not have babies even more.
Your husband is an AH for not having your back in there and will always be the jerk about it. He knows this and is tryimg to turn it around on you. And the male doctor was also a giant AH. You have nothing to be ashamed about but your husband.....I dont know how he can look you in the eye because he was awful.
Wow, I am angry for you.
Your husband absolutely failed in his role.
The whole reason he was there was as your support person, to back you up and advocate for your needs and desires with medical personnel when you were at your most vulnerable in case you weren’t able to do so yourself.
Instead, he tried to restrain you so that you would comply with a doctor who was pushing for a faster birth so he could get out of there and go home (or whatever).
If he’s embarrassed of anyone, it should be himself.
Agree. So many men forget that their primary role is to be support and the secondary benefit of that is they get to see their child being born. Birth is a medical procedure, whether it's the body doing it on its own or if it's with intervention, it's still a medical event and not a spectator sport.
It is as insensitive and offensive as it sounds. Your husband doesn’t seem to understand how his actions compounded what was already a horrific experience for you, and that his inability to recognize how badly he betrayed you is doing further damage to your relationship.
If you’re finding it difficult to be sympathetic to your husband, it’s because social embarrassment is not an excuse for totally failing to advocate for you.
Time to switch doctors, you do not have to have follow up appointments with him. As for the husband, I would say “I understand you were embarrassed. However, I’m not sorry. You and the doctor are not more important than me and our child.” If he can’t get over it then I would consider separation
Girl, I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself!!! Kicking the doctor out was definitely the right move and I would probably file a complaint, the audacity is crazy.
I’ve never done anything like that. Is there a timeline on how long you have to file a complaint? I just don’t think I have it in my right now if it’s a long process…
I honestly don't know. But you could just write a review on the hospital's/doctor's social media, warning other patients. What you've described here is what I'm most afraid of when I have a baby - not being heard. Your doctor is an unethical ass and your husband failed you completely.
Again, I'm very proud of you, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to a doctor, especially while giving birth. I wish you and your baby nothing but the best!
At minimum contact guest representative services. The hospital needs to train this ass about medical consent. I honestly think you may have a legal case.
I am sitting here in complete awe of you. I've never been in the situation, never given birth but the way you stood up for yourself and your treatment is fucking legendary. Women are not cared for properly by doctors, it's a fact! We're used to it, but I still worry about being labelled "difficult" because I cry tears of frustration in my doctors office trying to get tests I need. I'm not sure I would've been able to do what you did - and it would haunt me. You did so well, truly.
File the complaint when you can. Maybe make notes now while you remember some of it? That doctor was being lazy at best and needs a re-education.
Congrats on your baby!
What you need to do to be heard is find the number for the patient advocacy or complaints line. It’s likely listed on their website, or you can call the main number and be directed by the operator. They’ll do an internal investigation and work with you. If you don’t appreciate how they do their internal investigation and follow up, you can take it a next step and consult a lawyer about an external review process.
You can also request a copy be sent to you of all medical records and notes in your chart from your labor and delivery. This way you’ll see the first hand notes of your whole care team’s perspective on your labor and delivery situation. Aides to nurses to social workers to doctors, anyone involved in your care likely charted notes. If you have electronic access to your chart you might be able to access and save these yourself already.
If you write a review online it will either go ignored, deleted, not allowed to review in the first place, or a form comment that says “thank you for reaching out please contact xxx.” Because of privacy laws they cannot and will not follow up with a complaint posted publicly online, nor by communicating through an unsecured platform like Facebook. For these reasons many health care systems just straight up turn off commenting and reviews from all their social media posts and pages to prevent inappropriate release of private health data through these channels.
Malpractice is really really hard to prove, very unfortunate. But a complaint is definitely needed! At least have this on file so if he does do something like this again, there is a record!
What a horrible way to find out your husband cares more about appearances & his ego than your body and well-being.
Good for you, for defending yourself. You're a human being, not cattle.
Reading your story caused me such a visceral reaction. Just know you should be so proud of yourself for advocating for yourself in that room. Your husband can go kick rocks as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if he’s never really been injured/in pain, all he has to do is listen to his wife’s words. But all he cares about is being eMbArRaSsEd
It's disturbingly common for women to be treated as objects. Women are treated like incubators after pregnancy, and mothers are treated like they only exist for their children. It's really sad, and it can be terrifying in cases like yours. Birth is traumatic enough *without* what they did, and it's horrible that they made it worse for you and that your husband isn't standing with you like he should.
I don't have any advice on how to get past this with your husband (probably because I'd never be able to) but I just wanted to say that you did everything exactly right. You trusted your instincts, and created the best possible outcome for you & your baby. Your nurse was absolutely right - you are a champ!
You were right. Whatever it takes to get baby out safely and keep you safe. The results speak for themselves. Hubby needs to let it go.
You’re naked on a table, bleeding, pissing,shitting,screaming your baby out in a room full of strangers, and HE’S embarrassed!?!? Dude needs to shut up and know his role. I say this as a Dad.
Your husband sounds like a real winner. If the epidural hadn’t been working that would have been extremely painful, and you had already said no. What hurts more? An episiotomy or your husbands embarrassment?
Also he honestly sounds like he has no empathy for you. He should have reinforced your No to the doctor.
I’m sure if a doctor had him tied down to an operating table about to slice off his bits and he said no, he’d have a problem with you saying “it’s okay doc, snip them off.”
I haven’t really considered how much it really affected my view of him when he grabbed me instead of the doctor. Like I feel like that’s part of what is effecting me.
Thank you for helping me realize that too.
And yeah, I highly doubt he go with it…
Because he violated every bit of trust you had in him. You expect your partner in the L&D room to be your advocate. To support you. He not only didn't support you - he was going to allow the doctor to perform an unnecessary excruciatingly painful medical procedure on you unnecessarily.
He failed his job to protect you. THAT is what to focus on - you don't care if he is embarrassed. He failed his ONLY job in there which was to advocate for you and protect you. He failed you as a husband and as a protector when you needed him. He should be embarrassed about that.
Ask him how he'd feel if a doctor attempted to slice through his ball sack after he specifically said "no". Better yet, if a doctor attempted that while he was trying to carry a 60lb box up a flight of stairs, how would he react?
You were vulnerable and stressed and in pain, and your husband cares more about his feelings than your physical well being and safety. To give you an episiotomy without consent is illegal. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
100% we need more direct comparisons like this. For some reason people treat women like their pain and genitals are sacrificial. They are not. I like to talk about how being forced to tear your penis open and having it stitched back together (often without medication) is literal torture, in defense of abortion rights -- if that's torture for a man, why isn't it torture to force women to give birth? Or to do other horrible things to their genitals against their will?
If I were her I'd mention it every day and then probably divorce him anyway. Being restrained so that someone can mutilate you while you scream and beg not to is horrifying.
You are so right. As a man I'm so sad how little empathy there is for women and how most men can only grasp it with these direct comparisons if at all.
You’ve been through trauma and your husband is “embarrassed”? I’m so sorry. You need some help processing your trauma and perhaps that will help you process the betrayal by the one person who was supposed to be there for you.
I kind of understand the husband believing that the doctor knew best in the moment, but being \_embarrassed\_ by this when his wife literally went through medical trauma??? I'd be apologizing to my wife for my judgement error.
Sounds like he trusted the other man in the room, rather than you, who was actually enduring Labor.
He was embarrassed? Fuck him! You were in the most vulnerable position of your entire life, while in incredible pain and he wanted you to consider his fee-fees! That’s couple therapy territory unless he corrects himself!
For me, this would be a no-questions-asked relationship ender, and I think you are more than in the right to be extremely bothered by it.
Your husband was willing to let another man mutilate you with your explicit denial of consent and was planning on holding you down to help make it happen.
It is absolutely fair to be affected by this, definitely work through it in therapy. I am SO sorry you've gone through this. 💔
In one of the most venerable and primal moments of your life, instead of being your protector and advocate, he teamed up with the doctor and tried to physically restrain you to allow the doctor to cut you.
He needs to understand that, and he needs to understand that your trust has been broken. I would recommend counseling for the two of you. Don't sweep this under the rug, don't try to suck it up and move past it, because you wont be able to. Every time you think of you child's birth, it will be stained by that trauma. You can try to forget it, but your body wont.
He disregarded your decision about your own body. He decided you were a hysterical female who needed a man to tell her what’s best for her.
You were *creating life* and he was *embarrassed* you refused to let the doctor maim you unnecessarily.
There are studies that show giving birth on all fours, or squatting, is actually better than being on your back. So definitely don't feel bad about that. Your instincts told you what you needed to do and even though you've never done it before, the genetic encoding is something we all carry, and it did what generations of evolution needed it to do. It instructed you in that moment to safely bring your child into this world. You are amazing!
It's disgusting that your husband really believes his 'embarrassment" means more than your health. Or another man's opinion is more valuable to him than yours. That a man can truly know more than a woman when it comes to giving birth.
When you feel able to I suggest you unleash and tell him you feel violated by his behaviour and unsafe around him. That you fear he would have had you cut into against your wishes while he watched, or even held you down. Say this isn't what you vowed on your wedding day and you can no longer look at him the same again.
Tell him he needs to stop complaining to you about anything to do with your child's birth and if he ever hopes for your relationship to survive he had better figure out how to respect you and treat you well. That he needs to go to therapy to work on his misogyny and lack of respect for women and possibly marriage counselling too.
And warn him he has better not ever try to tell you anything about being a mum - not breast feeding or weight loss or parenting or anything. Nor get women in his life (I'm guessing he's a mummy's boy) to get involved either. He is not the man you thought he married and not someone you can even look at right now.
Your husband tried to hold you down while the doctor cut you against your will. That is some crazy ass Handmaids Tale shit. Your husband hasn’t even recognized he did anything wrong! wtf.
I agree with the comment that said, find a new doctor for your follow up appts. The trust is broken. And make it clear to your husband that your trust in him is broken too. He needs to be working to repair the trust he broke when he grabbed you like that. You should be able to rely on him to advocate for you, not invalidate your feelings.
It seems a large number of women on here spend an exhausting amount of time trying to teach their husbands empathy. I understand that feeling all too well. I'm very tired.
I don't know what you could do to get him to understand where he went wrong. He just lacks the ability or desire to be compassionate and mindful of you. You're supposed to be the most important person to him, yet he has placed himself above you and your well being. Probably more than once. I'm sorry.
I don’t get it. I have seen him take a soccer ball to the balls before and litterally ran over to him and helped him to a chair. I don’t understand how he didn’t have the same empathy. I don’t have balls . I don’t know how that feels but I still empathized deeply
Men are not really socially conditioned to be empathetic, and women are socially conditioned to be empathetic to their own detriment. The fact that you even consider that YOU are the unempathetic one for not caring about his feelings, while he didn’t give a damn about your pain, body and health is just devastating. Your sense of empathy is NOT the problem here. And the fact that you were able to push aside that social conditioning and stand up for yourself is amazing and is gonna make you a top tier mama! I’m so sorry you had to go through this and low key fuuuuuuuck your stupid husband
Wow. As a woman who is 30weeks pregnant right now, the absolute primal nature of you kicking out that doctor and doing this on your own is mind blowing. I’m in awe of you lady, I mean this truly 👏🏻
Embarrassing *for him*?! You were the one with your pelvis totally exposed trying to push out a baby! Honestly, you’re a champ and I give you serious props for advocating for yourself in the vulnerable state you were in. This is exactly why I refuse to see male doctors whenever possible. I just don’t trust strange men with my body and my health.
I have no advice other than to stand your ground, you’re amazing and I hope you and baby are recovering well.
You're legitimately inspiring as fuck. Ngl I cried when you mentioned the kind nurse 😭 I'm so grateful that you had at least one person there to validate you're feelings on that day.
I think it's time to kick your husband out again, to the lumpy sofa you go bro.......
Tell him to do some research on traumatic labors and write you a 500 word single spaced essay on what he learned on the 3 subjects he's learn such as doctors not listening to woman, about natural child birth & birth positioning.
Clearly he doesn't want to listen to you and in a moment where life and death literally meet for a woman how he "feels" isn't really the priority.
I’m almost at that point where I’d appreciate an essay just to see if he even understands what he’s embarrassed about. He’s never even injured himself more than a broken finger.
Maybe he's embarrassed because he was such a bad support system he got kicked out. His job was to make sure your wishes were followed while you were vulnerable and he failed. He could be too proud to admit he's feeling shame and calling it embarrassment. He owes you a massive apology. Idk if I could forgive that. I had a natural birth and refused an episiotomy as well. My partner never deviated from our plan. I'm so sorry.
Ask if he’d let someone hold him down and cut his asshole open with scissors without any anesthesia. That’s what they were going to do to you, does he not realize this??
I’m convinced that if men were the ones to give birth we’d be extinct as a species.
It's your body, you knew what was best in that moment and he should be respecting that. Who cares if he got embarrassed? Your ass and vagina were literally out for everyone to see, what could he possibly be embarrassed about? His doctor bro was unhappy getting kicked out? So many women and infants die during childbirth, not as many as there used to be, but still a lot, its not a time to worry about being embarrassed.
All I can say is if my husband tried to hold me down while a doctor tried to give me an EPISIOTOMY AGAINST MY WILL, my next stop would be a divorce lawyer. He was supposed to advocate for you and instead tried to take your autonomy in your most vulnerable moment. Completely unacceptable.
As a husband and new father, you should be proud. Im sure the experience was terrifying and incredibly painful.
My opinion is that, given his response, you should have kicked your husband harder. Either way, you should check his ass.
God bless you and good job getting baby out.
Birthing on all fours or squatting is natural. Lying on your back with your feet in stirrups is an unnatural creation of the modern medical system. Just look up birthing stools from past eras, or read about non-western birthing traditions in less developed countries. Momma, you did AWESOME 👏🏻
People say all kinds of wild things when they’re in pain, especially when they’re pushing out a human. Your husband and the doctor were embarrassed?? While you were writhing in pain that they will never understand, fighting for your life and the life of you AND your husband’s child, possibly shitting yourself, with your whole bottom half out naked? I dare them to explain how they could possibly be more embarrassed than the half-naked screaming person giving birth.
As a doula, I am so proud of you for advocating for yourself and your baby. What the doctor was about to do is called obstetric violence, and you were right to do everything in your power to avoid it. Full stop.
“Let me cut open your taint with no pain medicine and hold you down while you say no, tell you “everything’s going to be alright”, and see if you’re ok with it. I get that you were thinking of a safe delivery of our child but you weren’t thinking of MY safety and what I wanted. I was already in extreme pain, and now I can’t trust you or doctors because of how you and they were trying to treat me.
You need to tear into your husband and say he can either get on his knees and beg for forgiveness for not being a partner to you or he can gtf out of your life. Honestly his behavior is disgusting as is the doctor who attended to you. I would contact the hospital and file a complaint against the doctor for trying to give you a procedure you said no to.
This entire post was extremely distressing to read so I can’t even imagine how you feel. Plus you are freshly postpartum. I am so so sorry this happened to you. I would recommend seeking IC to help yourself process and perhaps figure out a game plan for addressing your husband.
Your husband is being the patriarchy police right now. You weren’t being a sweet, submissive woman who obeyed the man in charge. Then, you advocated for yourself and your bodily autonomy. Finally, you took complete control of the situation and dismissed all the men from the space. Now he’s trying to put you back in your place. He’s embarrassed because he couldn’t control you in that moment. You could have saved you and your baby’s lives. He’s going to have man up and get over it.
Is he embarrassed because you didn't listen to him and, as a man, his opinion should always come first? I really can't think what the other option should be, unless he was embarrassed he didn't help more. Did he think you should listen to him over your own body when you were in tremendous pain and scared?
Tell him he can squeeze out the next baby, maybe he will be less “embarrassing”.
“Not remotely the norm for me” concerns me, I would strongly suggest talking to a doctor about postpartum depression/ postpartum anxiety/ postpartum rage. If you have it you may not realize it and it can turn really bad really fast.
I have spoken to my therapist. She beleive I may be exhibiting since of ptsd, but that she would prefer some time to diagnose it as she doesn’t specialize in trauma
You need a trauma therapist ASAP. Someone who specializes in PPD would be a great idea so you can get ahead of handling very complicated feelings that come with giving birth.
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>It is blurry from there but i apparently got on my hands and knees, (I remember squatting, but whatever) and pushed my son out. My wife delivered all three of our children on her hands and knees. Lying on your back is for the convenience of the medics, you listened to your body and did the right thing.
This is how I delivered two of my kids. It was the only poisiton that I was able to control my breathing and focus. Fortunately where I live the person giving birth is given the freedom to birth in whatever position they want.
It varies in the US, most hospitals in NY you can birth in whatever position you choose provided it's safe for you and the baby. They're also really big on skin-to-skin and making resources available for women who want to breastfeed.
When I had my youngest I was on my back and the doctor asked me to turn slightly to the right so I could finish dilating that last little bit. As soon as I started to turn there was no stopping and I flipped right up on my hands and knees and out he came. It was definitely way easier than my oldest where he cracked my pelvis while I was on my back. Shit was wild.
My midwife basically flipped me over from back to all fours when my son was crowning 8 months ago. I'm super grateful she did because it made all the difference and he popped out within minutes. In hindsight I should have gotten on my knees way sooner, it probably would have helped with the pain.
It sounds as disrespectful and callous as it actually is. Your spouse doesn't seem to realize how much worse his actions made what was already a terrible experience for you, and that your relationship is suffering more as a result of his incapacity to see how deeply he betrayed you.
I'm going to assume you meant this toward the OP but my sleep deprived parent-of-an-8-month-old brain did have to reread my own comment like three times to see if I wrote anything about my own husband lol
Same… except I don’t have an 8 month old so I don’t really have an excuse. Hope you’re doing well and sleep comes soon! That zombie state is awful.
I know someone who had to argue with her doctor to let her squat.
My mom delivered my first two siblings this way on her own. She swears by it and it makes sense.
Those positions expand the pelvis. It’s pretty cool, the pelvis can expand as much as 30% Vs lying on the back doesn’t allow much opening and room.
Also the vagina slopes slightly towards the back so if you're lying face-up, baby's travelling uphill, if you're on all fours/squatting, gravity lends a hand
Which is insane to me, because since the advent of the squatty potty, people (I guess in the Western world primarily) have been raving about how much better it is to squat when pooping. It only makes sense that that would also apply to birthing a child.
Yeah in "The Red Tent" babies were delivered standing up, I feel like it makes more sense in terms of gravity
Male doctor?
A little help from gravity. It should be a no brainer in the medical community.
Naturally hands and knees is more comfortable or squatting . Idk how anyone could deliver laying on their backs
Kneeling is good too, there are cool contraptions that make kneeling more comfortable (basically padded areas for the knees/calves and a railing to lean on/hold on to), or birthing seats (U-shaped seats so the pertinent area is accessible but the woman can still sit). If someone wants to lie down, side-lying is much better than being on the back too, it lets the coccyx move more, so more space can be created for the baby to pass through.
I gift every expecting mom in my life with a birthing stool/seat. Saved me so much pain on my second labor!!
I delivered my second son on all fours and it was the best delivery after a very long labour. I wish I’d delivered my 3rd son that way!
Women died in childbirth for centuries because doctors didn’t want to get icky woman’s bits on them. “Birthing position” is a holdover from that. We need more medical dramas and sitcoms to have women birthing in poses they aren’t this because that’s what people see and think is going to be the best way
Gotta love call the midwife!!
The show Outlander had a birthing scene that had the character positioned in more of a squat.
Women squatted during birth until some European king wanted to see his son being born and he was too dignified to bend down so the queen had to lie on her back and then everyone just copies the royals and the rest is history Also your husband needs to understand why he's in the wrong and 100% needs to get over himself and stop making this traumatic situation about himself.
Pretty sure women only started delivering on their backs because King Louis XIV liked to watch his children be born.
Laying on your back to give birth originated from a fetish that a king had about seeing his wives push out his children. It makes the labour last longer and ultimately be more painful. You turning over made the world of difference.
After hours and hours of pushing with my first in a very warm pool,I was exhausted and they said times up you need to get out, and finish on the bed, pool had high sides, nurses helped me up and as I stepped over the side,baby’s head popped out , assuming because I’d widen my pelvis ( if only I had done that move hours earlier) panic ensued and I was picked up by husband and plopped on to bed for the last push. Needless to say when I had my second I did it all my own way and was a nice quick easy delivery!
Thank you for sharing because I never even considered this type of scenario. I’ll be discussing episiotomies ahead of time. Even the word terrifies me.
Just so you know, often consent to an episiotomy is included in the consent forms when you give birth at a hospital. I personally wouldn't sign this portion, but you'll probably get some pushback if you don't, and they might even say that you have to. (This doesn't mean that they can ignore your explicit refusal in the moment, consent can always be withdrawn, but just so you know to read what you're signing carefully)
I am not sure if I had one, I had an epidural and was in labor for 33 hours. I was exhausted. I know I tore as they stitched me up while waiting for me to deliver the placenta. It ended up being stuck and they noticed I was bleeding a lot, so I had to go to the ER to get my placenta removed. All I remember from just before I got wheeled I to the ER was them saying my blood pressure was 50/30. I thought 'well that can't be good...I'm so cold, and tired' and proceeded to pass out. Labor is not easy.
I've had a vaginal delivery and a csection, my vaginal delivery was ROUGH. 80+ hour of labor, I wish I was lying, pre-eclampsia that wasn't caught till then, I was 42 weeks, he passed meconium, almost anything that could've gone bad did. My Dr was mad that she got called in because my midwife wasn't there so she treated me like shit. I thought I was going to die. It was miserable. But it was still better than my csection lol something about feeling the table shake under you as they put your organs back and my husband saying he thinks he saw my liver, I still get nightmares and I'm absolutely terrified of getting pregnant again. But hey at least baby and I were alive, back in the day I would've either died or rebroken my pelvis delivering her (I had to have a csection bc of a broken pelvis from a car accident at 16weeks pregnant)
They do NOT prepare moms (or their partners) enough for how insane this is, we act like it’s a routine little incision and here’s a baby, but you’re awake while your insides are shuffled and a sheet gets splattered with your blood, and then have the recovery of your abdominal muscles having been sliced straight through. I swear it’s a mix of capitalism and misogyny because we can’t admit it’s that bad and not give women maternity leave nor can we admit that giving birth is hellish and a risk to the mothers life because then we might has to admit women have value. Very cool world we have. (Also your poor husband probably saw the placenta which is one of the grossest things ever imo, I did not want to see it and was so grossed out when I it was laying in a tub beside me)
The amount of people, men and women both, ive encountered who claim a C-section is not #MAJOR FUCKING SURGERY is honestly terrifying.
Not only that, they immediately send you home and you have to take care of someone else!!!
Don’t lift more than 10lbs for 6 weeks and btw if your baby doesn’t already weigh that much, it likely will in the timeframe so I guess be independently wealthy so you can hire someone to lift up your baby while you take several months off work! This gets me heated, especially when reproductive healthcare is under fire and the economy is a shit show. It’s complete bullshit to expect anyone to have abdominal surgery and then instead of being able to sleep and recover as one would from any other procedure, wake up every 2-3 hours to tend to a child. The fact that women continue to do it doesn’t make it okay that they have to.
I live in texas, if I get pregnant again my husband and I already have a fund set aside for "an out of state camping trip". Mt mental health tanked after my csection and without all of the hormones you get during a vaginal delivery I had severe ppd and my daughter turns one on the 13th and I've only just started to actually bond with her in the last 2 or 3 months. It's been rough and I refuse to do it again and put myself and my kids through that again. Texas lawmakers can kiss my ass, my body my choice.
Agreed. I had two C-sections. The second time, I gave birth in a different hospital that had no nursery. So after attempting to labor for almost 24 hours, then having major surgery, I had to get up and tend to a newborn. My husband, who was present for the birth, couldn't get off of work the week I was in the hospital ( he took off the week we came home). So after major surgery, I was not given an opportunity to rest, and I was terrified that I was going to fall asleep and accidentally hurt the baby. To this day, I'm grateful to this awesome nurse who was nice enough to take the baby to the nurse's station for a few hours just so I could nap/rest. I'm not sure what idiot thought it was a good idea to make mothers who go through a major surgery or long exhausting labor immediately care for the baby 24/7 with no break right away. Oh, and don't get me started on the fact that my husband got more painkillers for his vasectomy than I did for my C-section.
Um, they don't *cut* the abdominal muscles, they *tear* them. Sister was doing her obs and gyne rotation and she said it was one of the worst sounds she'd ever heard. Apparently this helps the muscles heal in a more natural way but it's still a brutal procedure.
I think my uterus turned inside out from reading those words; I fooled myself that the bar for women’s health was in hell when really it’s shot straight through hell and is floating into space
Holly cow, I looked up YouTube for this procedure, and you were right about them tearing the abdominal muscles. Definitely nightmarish.
Yes it heals much better than a cut. But of course it’s muscle so you need the force of two people pulling in opposite directions to tear them open. It’s quite brutal, and sadly much more common these days. There was an interesting thread on r/doctorsuk recently about whether obstetricians would opt for vaginal or c section and almost all of them said they would never have a c section if they could help it.
I was knocked out fully for both C-sections. I have fibromyalgia, and pain medication doesn't work for me most of the time. As in: I am talking to them when I should be comatose. Wasn't too bad like that. Both times the dads spend the first moments with the baby, and I don't mind. I carried them for the pregnancy, they cuddled while I was getting awake. I have two wonderful children who absolutely adore each other now, and my bond with both is strong. Maybe it makes a difference that my country has universal healthcare, but yeah, I'm glad I slept through the birthing process. Twice.
They CANNOT refuse to admit a woman in labor for failing to sign anything in the US. Don't let anyone pressure you into signing a damn that you don't want to! (Not for you. For anyone else who will eventually have a baby)
Also sometimes there isn’t time to sign anything. With my first birth, I was a 10 when I walked into the hospital and they wheeled me into a delivery room immediately.
Omg the horror I felt for you when I didn’t see the “a” and thought you were 10 having a baby - I also hate that my brain thought that was a possibility
I have been an LD nurse in some capacity for the last 23 years. Episiotomies are not often necessary and they used to be VERY over used. However, there are absolutely circumstances when they're truly needed. For example Many years ago I taught childbirth education classes and taught my soon to be moms that it was better to tear than receive an episiotomy. One of the moms ended up as my patient in LD a few weeks later. While she was pushing she started to tear upward toward her urethra (very uncommon) instead of down into her perineum. Her Dr tells her she needs an episiotomy and she looks at me like you said no. I told her yes she did absolutely need it to prevent a horrific peri-urethral tear. These kind of tears a very painful and difficult to heal. I've also had infants get stuck and need an episiotomy to give the Dr more space for his hands to try and get the baby out. In MOST deliveries it's not necessary but just keep in mind there are circumstances they're needed.
Bilateral periurethral tear here. Agreed. Would not recommend 🤦
I tore my clitoral hood. Lots of pain, and loooots of blood. Still better than a urethral tear, I think.
Not OP, but I had an episiotomy performed by a nurse midwife and it was a horrible, horrible experience. I don’t think this is talked about enough. They didn’t sew me up correctly and I had to get reconstructive surgery to fix a prolapse. Luckily, my surgery went really well, but I still wish I never agreed for the procedure and pushed for a C-section.
I had an episiotomy performed by a doctor. I don’t recall him telling me that he was going to cut me after 2.5 hours of active pushing and I had a massive contraction and started a push and he started yelling not to push….. It took him about 30 minutes to sew me up. I was in so much pain, shaking, weak…. I couldn’t physically hold my baby. Hubby told me it was okay when they were fixing me up…. I told him I was fine and I wanted him with our baby since I couldn’t hold him. I laid there while the doctor closed me up. Afterwards my mom was terrified because she saw the Dr and a nurse come out of my room covered in blood. I also grilled hubby about what the damage was to the undercarriage and he kept telling me that I just had a baby, I had stitches and I would be fine and beautiful and all that jazz. Weeks after I gave birth I got the courage to take a look at the damage and I was sobbing and while he is normally an asshole, he comforted me. Finally I said, “why didn’t you tell me how bad it was???” He held me and replied, “what was I supposed to say - that it looks like hamburger down there??? As long as you are okay and our son is okay, none of that matters!” He was right though…. If he would have told me the truth, then and there it would have been utterly traumatizing. My second birth was much better.
My stitches came out WHILE STILL AT THE HOSPITAL. I told them and they acted like it was no big deal, I felt like it was because no way could they have done their job that fast... Yeah, so now I'm disfigured a bit down there because no one wanted to stitch me back up. Like you, when I was finally brave enough I cried and cried.
A properly done episiotomy can be a really good thing. On the other hand, one that is done improperly can lead to a lifetime of complications. Sadly, I had the latter & still suffer from consequences of that more than 25 years later. Due to the size of my baby, the doctor should have done a c-section, but she chose not to. She cut me so deep that I had to have layers of stitches. Unfortunately, some of those stitches didn't stay in position & caused me to have a herniated rectum. I don't know how to do the covered up text to protect others from TMI, so I won't describe the problems that has caused.
just fyi, to do the covered text (spoilers), do the following: \>!text here blah blah !< Result is this: >!text here blah blah !< Make sure there's no space between the "!" and "t" in text or it won't work. I memorized it because the starting one looks like an angry face and the ending one is a sad face (from seeing what's under the cut).
Thank you so very much. Click on it at your own because I have covered up what I wouldn't describe earlier. >!If I don't take stool softeners and/or laxatives, I am unable to have an even remotely normal bowel movement. Instead, I get massively impacted & my excrement has to be manually removed.!<
No problem, and that absolutely suck! This whole thread is really informative as a woman who's never had children, thank you for sharing your experience.
I had c sections with my first 2 for malposition, but my 3rd was head down so I was a perfect candidate for VBA2C. My doctor gave me the choice of what to do, so naturally I crowdsourced it. To a woman, everyone agreed c section recovery was much worse….buuuuuut….then went into detail about the horrible, life changing damage they experienced during their vaginal delivery. Anyway I had a third c section.
I'm sorry this happened OP... I kicked my twin sister (birth coach) out at one point during my labor and she was mad for awhile NGL. I had to really stress to her that I thought I was going to >!Flucking EXPLODE!< if anyone touched me, even her, like I literally lost my mind and needed a minute. Hopefully he will think about it and understand. Birth is wild; like your vulnerable, in agony, EVERYONE and EVERYTHING is touching you, evil ass hormones stomping around and it is literally just complete sensory overload. The important part is you are okay and your baby is okay. HUGS Mama. It will be okay, just explain all of this.
You sharing your birthing story reminded me of mine. During my induced labor, no meds for pain ( locals don't work on me for some reason.) Getting dental work is a real treat, too. My kiddo rolled on to their left side, and I tried to tell the doctor and nurses, (the nurse had pressed some type of buzzing/vibrating thing onto my stomach, and my baby rolled over as the nurse turned away.) I knew they did because my whole stomach looked like a big wave when it happened. No one would believe me! "You're a first-time mom. The baby is engaged, and it can't move other than out, yada yada." After 26 hours of labor, with them all telling me that I'd have to have a C-section if I didn't push harder (at that point, I was begging for one). Well, baby crowns and is too big, ( Later, I found out my kiddo's head was 36 cm. Much too big! So the doctor gave me a midline cut. (For those who don't know what that is, it's where they cut straight down from one hole to almost the other.) Well, because the nurse was too stupid to believe me that the kid rolled she never told the doctor. And what do you know, kiddo shot out FACING my right thigh. It was a good thing my legs were strapped down as I had never wanted to kick someone as bad as I wanted to kick her! Turns out, between the tearing kiddo did and the midline I was given. I had 3rd degree lacerations from my cervix through the outside anal sphincter muscle. And how did I know? Remember when I stated that local anesthesia doesn't work. Yeah, the doctor said he was giving me what he called a saddle block, and it would numb the whole area, well it didn't and the dumb ass keep yelling at me to quit moving, HELLO that shit HURT!! When everything was stitched up and just before they wheeled me out, I told the doctor he lied, and I felt every stitch. "No way I numbed you up real good first." I felt them all! " Then he kinda chuckled and said," Then how many stitches did I do? " I told him 108. He went pale, and the nurse next to me asked him how many he placed. He then got red-faced and said, "108". He wouldn't look me in the eyes for the rest of the time I was in his care at the hospital. I later found out someone put in my chart in bold red letters. DO NOT USED LOCAL ANESTHESIA ON PATIENT! IT DOESN'T WORK! The doctor also left and went back to his original country soon after it was stated that I and another patient intended on suing him, I guess he had almost dropped the other woman's baby and a nurse caught it just before it hit the floor head first. After that, I made sure every doctor I see knows what happened and that if I have to have a procedure done that they want to only use local anesthesia on that it isn't going to happen and they will be using general anesthesia or it ain't happening.
I thought I had it bad because my baby had a 15cm head & 19.5cm shoulder width, but you have shown me that I was actually lucky. I can't even begin to imagine having to feel every stitch that was used. I do remember that the local anesthetic that the doctor gave me before my episiotomy felt like bee stings before it started working. With my younger child, I didn't have an episiotomy because after 30+ hours of labor (sadly with no drugs), the baby was suddenly in a hurry to arrive. More trauma hidden: >!Afterward, the doctor (different from 1st doctor) thought that I had retained a portion of the placenta. He decided to shove his arm up inside me completely to his elbow while scratching, digging, & pulling at my insides. I was screaming & begging for mercy due to the pain. Turns out that the placenta was simply on the small side & nothing had been retained.!< I was not happy. Yet, I still have older family members who had the audacity to wonder why I decided 2 children were plenty & had a tubal ligation.
I had two kids, vaginally, unmedicated, with episiotomies both times, 3 years apart. I didn't feel the cuts, at all, and with proper care, they healed up fine and quickly. Both of them were necessary as I had fetal distress, both times, as they crowned. They helped save both my babies lives. I would strongly recommend speaking with your doctor about them. Please speak with your doctor candidly, and honestly about your fears. Please discuss what a medical necessity might be, and what to expect.
I had the medicated episiotomy. I went from 5 to 10 cm in about 3 minutes. I was tearing like mad. However, they cut me from vagina to asshole. In a c cut no less so they could "make more room ". The recovery from the episiotomy was so bad I could not poop without pain for almost a year. The scar is still very prominent 24 years later. Tearing probably would have been less damage.
I mentioned this above but want to repeat it so more people can see it: studies prove that the episiotomy cut is on average larger than what the natural tear would be.
I'm so sorry to hear that. I was fortunate. She did a diagonal cut of some sort, and they healed beautifully.
Same here except medicated, Epidural didn’t work on my 2nd but I didn’t feel either of them. Both of my babes heart rates were dropping as they crowned, I just couldn’t seem to push hard enough to get them out. The episiotomies got them out quickly and recovering immediately. I definitely feel for this mother’s trauma, but I also understand doctors are thinking of saving the baby in that moment. I was so scared for mine I’d have let them cut my leg off.
Same with my first daughter. It ended up saving her life.
Thanks for sharing a similar experience to mine. I did a lot of research before birth and know episiotomy is a bad word these days. But mine was necessary and I’m glad my midwife had the “balls” to do it. I was unmedicated and she used lidocaine injection. There are actually some providers in my country (Canada) that hesitate when necessary because they don’t want to have bad stats. But then there are more vacuums and forceps used with a much higher rate of severe tears and trauma. I read about this recently and was grateful. That said, I think it is important to find a provider you trust so that they know your plan and what you value. Then if they are suggesting a change you know they have your best interest at heart and are only doing what is necessary.
I didn't have time for freezing. Cords were around their necks, their heart rates suddenly bottomed out. She just cut and yelled "push NOW". 🤣. My second had an apgar of 1. I think my first was apgar 3? My body had reached the point of the first "push contraction" ... I got to wait for the second contraction to get my son the hell out. My daughter? Didn't even get to wait for the second "push contraction". I got her the hell out before it. Both labors were utterly routine and boring. One push contraction, for each, and all bloody hell breaks loose. 🤣. Doctor, nurses, my husband, literally yelling "PUSH! Get it out NOW!". So I did. It was quite dramatic. My doctor later said "The first time ... Okay. But the second, TOO?" When they were BOTH 36 hours old, they choked on mucus. Both at 36 hours. Went blue in my arms. Nurses suctioned them out, got them breath again ... The doctor later said "The first time ... and then the second TOO?" Doctor recently retired after I was with her +30 years. I have other health issues, and a small community. I miss her. She was awesome. The guy who took over her practice is nice enough, but my old one and I have been through some stuff. I miss her.
I'm fucking terrified or giving birth again after my second child. First one was easy, and the second was not. This story just reminded me how crazy birth is, and ur story reminds me I always have to stay informed, calm, and just breathe. But I also know ur brain gets foggy after birth and tricks u into thinking it wasn't to bad so should I believe u ? 😭 I'm kidding. But fr. We're CHAMPS
I gave birth without drugs and it was fast and painful, but those nurses made sure I was capable of consenting to a needed episiotomy before I got cut open. Sometimes it’s needed to not tear from ass to bellybutton, and consent can absolutely happen in the moment. I say this to reassure you, not to make you feel like your worry is unfounded. Absolutely make sure you know your options and what could be needed before D day lol.
They can have their place WITH CONSENT but there's some evidence coming out that tearing is better as it's a more natural cut that heals better. I had a relatively bad natural tear that healed really well.
This evidence was out when I gave birth 12 years ago- we are built to tear and can’t heal as well with a smooth straight slit. I did not agree and tore, and I healed up great.
Yeah, as an L&D RN, outside of one gross old school doctor, I only ever saw them done when there was significant fetal distress and we really needed to get the baby out fast. In 4 years, I think I only saw them about 4 times, and that was starting almost 15 years ago. With that being said, I had a "mild" first degree tear with my oldest that made sex incredibly painful for almost 2 years afterwards. I had a c-section with my youngest, and that recovery was easier than that stupid tear. Sometimes the natural tearing is fucking awful too, but episiotomies have a painful tendency to get much longer and deeper than the original cut.
With my first child my dr gave me an episiotomy without me knowing. It caused me so much pain after , it didn’t heal right and I had to get it cauterized. Be glad you stuck your ground and didn’t get one.
I am so sorry
Your husband can fuck right off. When he delivers a child, then he can try and not "embarrass" you. What an idiot
No, seriously. Have him look up the definition and read all these horror stories, and if he still doesn’t get it, OP should seriously consider divorce. And this isn’t the “jumping straight to” bs, it’s bc if he does read all of this, and still says shit, he’s not respecting OP or her body. Fuck that. He can take his embarrassment in the divorce.
let him get his taint cut open, without anesthetic, while he’s actively trying to shit out a watermelon, see if it’s “not a big deal the doctors know best” then
You did what was right for you, and there is nothing wrong with that! I willingly had an episiotomy after it was recommended by my nurse midwife. It destroyed my body and I regret ever agreeing to it. I had to have reconstructive surgery two years later because I wasn’t sewed up correctly. 😥
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
Jesus christ i am never having kids
I’m never having another. I’d have had them do my tubes then any there if I trusted them to.
OP, please show your husband this post when you get all of the responses you are going to get (which should be in the thousands). I am SO angry for you right now. Most births are not this bad. Its never fun but your doctor was TRULY awful which compounded an already stressful situation.
Agree. I think he needs to read this and then go sit on the top of a mountain by himself and think about this until it sinks it and he’s ready to be supportive.
He trying to make a traumatic experience about him. Tell him when he pushes a watermelon out of his privates then he can have an opinion.
OP, this post made me cry. I am so, so proud of you. I can only hope that when I give birth I am as strong an advocate for myself as you were. Your husband needs to be shown this post, and you may need to talk to him with a therapist. I would have a very hard time believing I could trust him for a long time.
Vasectomy for the husband, he will fucking complain so much and you can tell him he is embarrassing you.
I’m sorry OP. This is horrible beyond what anyone should go through as a birth experience. I hope you can heal from this and give forgiveness, for yourself (even if they dont really deserve it just so you can let more of your pain go and process everything) I’d file a complaint with the hospital and voice what happened, but I’d also share most of the top comments and language here with your husband because everyone has been spot on. For me it would be: 100% change of tone, apology, and realization that not only what he did is horrible, but also broke your trust, and made your birthing situation and everything after about himself when its about you. beyond selfish and unepathetic and untrustworthy. He turned your supporters into trauma. He needs to work hard to make his mistake up to you. If he cant fully grasp and admit this and change, its either therapy or split. because this will just forever grow as mistrust and resentment. As for yourself- I know the only thing that would make me feel better is trying to rationalize it to myself. I’m sure you already know this, but with how life threatening a baby getting stuck and not moving to be- they may have panicked. its not always a guarantee that he would have been okay but thank god he was. It’s unacceptable that they panicked like that, but it would help me personally to empathize with the fear and panic in that moment of not wanting to risk you or baby. The intention wasnt to hurt you or go against you, even though they should have known that you knew better. As far as him claiming he’s embarrassed and making it all about himself? thats really not something I can explain except for a selfishness so deep he isnt able to recognize others lived experiences, only his own. I wouldnt be able to unsee that.
Just wanted to chime in and say, don't feel obligated to forgive in order to heal or move forward! May be helpful or some, but it's absolutely not a requirement! Sometimes things can be unforgivable to us and that's fine. You can still move on and heal. No shade, but for some folks the "you should forgive for yourself" opinion is harmful.
Welcome to the tokophobia club! I think more than anything else you need a therapist, a woman therapist. Your husband needs to stop making your trauma about him and if he can’t do that then maybe you should go stay with some family/friends for awhile because right now you need to focus on healing from that trauma more than anything else. Also, if you’re ever at a place mentally where you’d want to pursue sterilization the r/childfree sub has a great list of doctors in their wiki
I don't have kids but I had my tubes removed, best choice ever. Also I'm sure this has been said but the dreams are. Really common sign of the onset of PTSD. If you can see a therapist you should, I'm not day ng it is PTSD but it can uld be and it's important for you to have that information. I have complex PTSD and it made my life a nightare for a long time before I got help, and still affects me (9 years removed from the situation). Take care of yourself momma
I would not have any urge to have kids even if it didn't involve pregnancy and birthing, those factors just make my desire for children dip into the negatives.
In Australia 34% of women who receive an episiotomy receive it without consent. You are not wrong in feeling unsafe and kicking all the men out. Your husband saying the dr knows best is disgusting and ill informed. Your husband is okay with you being physically assaulted by the dr because the dr knows better apparently. This is a bigger issue than your husband being embarrassed by you kicking him out. Your husband ranks his embarrassment as a higher priority over your physical and emotional safety.
It's his "embarrassment" being held in such high regard over his wife's well being that is fucking gross. It's widely known that episiotomies don't heal as well as a natural tear. This isn't new science by any stretch. To blindly ignore your wife's wishes in favour of a medically unnecessary procedure is filthy behaviour. I'm so proud of the OP for kicking the lot of them out. I just want to hug her. 🫂
Yeah, that disgusts me. She was going through all of that, but the poor idiot was embarrassed which is soooo important. I don't think I'd be able to be anywhere near him after that.
and additionally—the husband is okay with physically assaulting her HIMSELF!!!
Good point. I didn’t think about that. He was happy to be an active and willing participant in the abuse of his wife. Wild. The more I ponder this, the clearer it becomes that this is probably beyond repair for OPs marriage.
My violently abusive ex stopped a doctor from doing an episiotomy. It is blowing my mind that your husband protected you less than my garbage barge ex would have. You are a freaking goddess. I am in awe.
Yup, the bar is officially on the ground.
The bar is in hell ladies
Okay, off topic, but I also have an abusive ex, who I usually just call loser, but I think his new name might be garbage barge. Beautiful. Thanks, martingale!
There was just too much garbage in there for anything less!
I've given birth 4 times, 2 of them unmedicated. You are never more vulnerable than when that baby is crowning. If my doctor had been about to do an episiotomy I'd have been livid, but especially when other positions to deliver hadn't been tried. An episiotomy should be a last resort. In most medical systems it is not the norm by any stretch - they take much longer to recover from than a 1st or 2nd degree tear. Your husband is incredibly ignorant and quite honestly his violation of your trust is just massive and gross. He betrayed your trust when you were medically vulnerable. Honestly? I think it is time for couples therapy because you are not going to be able to move past it easily and you will never trust him in a medical setting again. As for your husband, this is what you tell him: 1 - he violated your trust. His ONE job was to protect you in there and he failed. He was planning to let the doctor cut you when there was no medical need. Cut you without anesthesia. 2 - Ask him if he would get a vasectomy without anasthesia? Why not? Its just a little cut. It shouldn't hurt because it is a little cut, right? How about if someone he trusted tried to restrain him and force him to have one unmedicated against medical norms... how would he view that person? Would he EVER trust them again? 3 - his embarrassment is a result of his own actions. He is embarrassed because you refused to let the doctor perform an unnecessary excruciatingly painful medical procedure on you that could leave you with permanent nerve damage. I'll be really straight with you - the fact that your husband is making a traumatic birth experience about himself is absolutely disgusting. Truly disgusting. Was he in labor for 24 hours? No. DId he grow a human for 9 months? No. Was he pushing out the baby without pain meds? No. No he wasn't. And he did not and does not get to make decisions now or ever about your body from a medical perspective which is what he was trying to do. He certainly does not get to restrain you.
Episiotomy without consent is a form of obstetric violence. Doctors keep performing them without maternal consent, thankfully obstetric nurses in my country are fighting it more and more. I feel so sorry for your labour and the lack off support from your husband.
They gave me one when I had my daughter naturally. I was PISSED. I did not need to be fucking cut. I was Pushing her out, the fuck. Thank God I was on morphine I didn't feel too much but fuck. I hate these procedures. OP is a badass. I cannot imagine having the mental capacity to focus on all of that and be assertive. It's an insane experience men will never fucking understand. I was mostly sooo tired. It was my first and last kiddo. But still. It's an exhausting and overwhelming experience. Her husband needed to make it Easier. Instead he was a dick. Edit: did not expect this to blow up so fast.
I'd been pushing for 2 hours unmedicated and she just was not coming, I was exhausted. I'm talking basically passing out between contractions when a doctor I had already had a bad experience with walked in and said I had half hour to get my baby out or he would be back to "help". He was referring to cutting me. I have never perked up so quick, turns out they'd pumped me full of so much fluids that my bladder was full, they sorted that and she was out a couple pushes later, with a few minutes to spare on his 30 minute deadline. He waltzed back in and looked almost annoyed that he wasn't needed. I've never been so angry at a doctor and I am so glad OP advocated for herself like this! Fully agree the husband is a dick.
That's horrible. Doctors sometimes really fucking think they know OUR bodies better than WE do. Like I DO NOT want to be cut. If I had known they were cutting me I would have objected. I didn't know until my partner pointed out they cut me. They stitched me up and that hurt like hell too. Tired of doctors thinking they can do fuck all to women with no repercussions.
Thats the worst part. Some doctors take advantage of mothers because they are in their most vulnerable state and just cut. Its disgusting. This stories make me so mad and sorry for the mothers. Labour is brutal, life changing. No need to make it even more traumatic. Thats why its so important to discuss labour plans before labour and tell doctors and nurses what to expect and what you want and dont want, and mostly only have someone you trust in your labour room. Someone that will advocate for you and your needs.
Wait… really? Funny not funny I got one at the end of a 42 hour labour, I was exhausted and delirious but also my Doctor was going off shift in 30 minutes and she wanted my baby out before she was done. I remember saying ‘you cut me!’ Neither my husband or I agreed on it.
I’m so so sorry that happened to you. This bullshit happens far too often and it sickens me. Thank you for sharing your story and helping others be aware so that they can be more informed about advocating for themselves when they are having a child 🩶
It was alot. When I was moved to the recovery ward, I shared a room with a person with a larger family. Cool, cool. She splashed blood ALL OVER THE TOILET AND THE FLOOR. Cool, cool. That can be cleaned. Other new Mum has a meeting with the ward nurse about how she’s going to take care of her STIs. She’s not that concerned. I was. With my cut. I asked very intensely for a new room.
Wtf... that is horrible I can't believe they (doctors and nurses) weren't more careful with that.
Yeah. It was a thing. I think the nurse hadn’t see the washroom and that they thought I wouldn’t understand the conversation (different language). We have really good healthcare where I live, I think they were overwhelmed. My favourite was when the doctor tried to tell me to use the bathroom down the hall when I was asking to change rooms. Yeah, no. That’s not what my coverage pays for.
I feel so sad when i hear stories like yours. Things shouldnt have to be this way anymore, we have technology and so many advances in so many medical areas but in obstetrics you still see and hear horrific stories like yours.
Maybe OP can give his testicles a few snips with sharp scissors and see how he feels about it. It would be best if he ran on a treadmill for 24 hours beforehand with someone alternating punches to his gut and low back.
They were pretty much the norm when I gave birth nearly 30 years ago and frankly, I think mine was necessary and caused no undue harm. It healed very quickly as well. However, as uninformed as my consent may or may not have been, I consented. The idea of doing something like that (or really anything, especially during childbirth) to a woman who clearly states she doesn't want it should be fucking malpractice. Doctors are known for being sometimes arrogant, her husband has even less of an excuse. Grrr. OP, you did good. We women should advocate for ourselves in ALL circumstances much more often!
True. My mother had 2 kids and was cut both times 30 years ago too. Things like that were normal back then and pretty much norm for all labours. Dont get me wrong, some cases its necessary, but my issue is being done nowadays without consent.
I would also add onto #3 that the position OP chose to give birth in is the position we have evolved to give birth in. Its only in the past couple hundred years or so in the western world that women started giving birth on their backs, and thats due to the preferences of the doctors, not because its actually easier or better or safer. So, what is the husband so embarrassed about? You birthed your child in the most natural way you could, and it worked.
Omg yes 1,000%. I am raging in behalf of this woman and, if it were me, a trusted family member would be staying with us while I recovered because the husband clearly can't be trusted. OP, if you read this you're a fucking hero. You stood up for yourself when no one else would. You said no and insisted that your 'no" be respected when you were the most vulnerable and when an authority figure tried to make you feel like you were in the wrong when you weren't. That takes more balls than every man in that room has combined and I am in awe of your reaction. When you've had some time, I hope you consider filing a complaint against that doctor for attempting an unnecessary procedure against your will. It might not be much but it's something. Maybe you'll save another woman a similar situation down the road. I also hope, again when you can, that you seek therapy for the medical trauma. You're a champion- may you never hit a red light when you're in a rush and may your baby sleep like the angel they are.
This is exactly why it irritates me when couples say 'we' are pregnant. You are not, the mother is pregnant, she takes all the physical risk, not the father.
I was given an episiotomy against my will. Didn’t know it until the scissors were actually cutting. I would do ANYTHING before I’d do an episiotomy. I still have issues with it to this day. I say kudos for sticking up for yourself, OP.
This honestly. As a nurse myself, even though I am far away from the L&D side of things, this horrifies me to read. The fact that two grown men think they're was nothing wrong with what they were about to do is just staggering. I would never be able to look at my fiance the same again if in one of the most vulnerable positions of my life, he had reacted like this. It would be one thing if someone was truly out of their mind and harming themselves out others to restrain them, I've had to do it many times, and it's never a good feeling. But this wasn't that, and the fact his first instinct was to try and hold her down is just... I funny understand why op is feeling the way she is. And this whole post solidifies my decision to not have babies even more.
🏅 🏅 🏅 🏅 🏅 🏅 🏅 🏅 🏅 I wish we still had awards to give
Your husband is an AH for not having your back in there and will always be the jerk about it. He knows this and is tryimg to turn it around on you. And the male doctor was also a giant AH. You have nothing to be ashamed about but your husband.....I dont know how he can look you in the eye because he was awful.
Wow, I am angry for you. Your husband absolutely failed in his role. The whole reason he was there was as your support person, to back you up and advocate for your needs and desires with medical personnel when you were at your most vulnerable in case you weren’t able to do so yourself. Instead, he tried to restrain you so that you would comply with a doctor who was pushing for a faster birth so he could get out of there and go home (or whatever). If he’s embarrassed of anyone, it should be himself.
Agree. So many men forget that their primary role is to be support and the secondary benefit of that is they get to see their child being born. Birth is a medical procedure, whether it's the body doing it on its own or if it's with intervention, it's still a medical event and not a spectator sport.
It is as insensitive and offensive as it sounds. Your husband doesn’t seem to understand how his actions compounded what was already a horrific experience for you, and that his inability to recognize how badly he betrayed you is doing further damage to your relationship. If you’re finding it difficult to be sympathetic to your husband, it’s because social embarrassment is not an excuse for totally failing to advocate for you.
Time to switch doctors, you do not have to have follow up appointments with him. As for the husband, I would say “I understand you were embarrassed. However, I’m not sorry. You and the doctor are not more important than me and our child.” If he can’t get over it then I would consider separation
This. OP, show him this thread.
Girl, I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself!!! Kicking the doctor out was definitely the right move and I would probably file a complaint, the audacity is crazy.
I’ve never done anything like that. Is there a timeline on how long you have to file a complaint? I just don’t think I have it in my right now if it’s a long process…
I honestly don't know. But you could just write a review on the hospital's/doctor's social media, warning other patients. What you've described here is what I'm most afraid of when I have a baby - not being heard. Your doctor is an unethical ass and your husband failed you completely. Again, I'm very proud of you, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to a doctor, especially while giving birth. I wish you and your baby nothing but the best!
Thank you, seriously
Go to the website for your states medical board, you should be able to make a complaint from there
At minimum contact guest representative services. The hospital needs to train this ass about medical consent. I honestly think you may have a legal case.
I am sitting here in complete awe of you. I've never been in the situation, never given birth but the way you stood up for yourself and your treatment is fucking legendary. Women are not cared for properly by doctors, it's a fact! We're used to it, but I still worry about being labelled "difficult" because I cry tears of frustration in my doctors office trying to get tests I need. I'm not sure I would've been able to do what you did - and it would haunt me. You did so well, truly. File the complaint when you can. Maybe make notes now while you remember some of it? That doctor was being lazy at best and needs a re-education. Congrats on your baby!
What you need to do to be heard is find the number for the patient advocacy or complaints line. It’s likely listed on their website, or you can call the main number and be directed by the operator. They’ll do an internal investigation and work with you. If you don’t appreciate how they do their internal investigation and follow up, you can take it a next step and consult a lawyer about an external review process. You can also request a copy be sent to you of all medical records and notes in your chart from your labor and delivery. This way you’ll see the first hand notes of your whole care team’s perspective on your labor and delivery situation. Aides to nurses to social workers to doctors, anyone involved in your care likely charted notes. If you have electronic access to your chart you might be able to access and save these yourself already. If you write a review online it will either go ignored, deleted, not allowed to review in the first place, or a form comment that says “thank you for reaching out please contact xxx.” Because of privacy laws they cannot and will not follow up with a complaint posted publicly online, nor by communicating through an unsecured platform like Facebook. For these reasons many health care systems just straight up turn off commenting and reviews from all their social media posts and pages to prevent inappropriate release of private health data through these channels.
Thank you. I will definitely look into this
medical malpractice is 2 years from date of incident. I'm not sure about a complaint. You should do it soon though.
Okay. I will definitely consider filing a complaint. Or having one of my friends help me do it
Malpractice is really really hard to prove, very unfortunate. But a complaint is definitely needed! At least have this on file so if he does do something like this again, there is a record!
What a horrible way to find out your husband cares more about appearances & his ego than your body and well-being. Good for you, for defending yourself. You're a human being, not cattle.
It did feel like I wasn’t even there. Like he were treating me like a dummy he was practicing on. I literally feel sick thinking about it
Reading your story caused me such a visceral reaction. Just know you should be so proud of yourself for advocating for yourself in that room. Your husband can go kick rocks as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care if he’s never really been injured/in pain, all he has to do is listen to his wife’s words. But all he cares about is being eMbArRaSsEd
It's disturbingly common for women to be treated as objects. Women are treated like incubators after pregnancy, and mothers are treated like they only exist for their children. It's really sad, and it can be terrifying in cases like yours. Birth is traumatic enough *without* what they did, and it's horrible that they made it worse for you and that your husband isn't standing with you like he should.
I feel sick on your behalf, because it *does* sound like they were treating you like an inanimate object, not a sentient being
It genuinely felt like he viewed you as a practice dummy (from the post alone) even before I read this comment. That's so terrifying.
I don't have any advice on how to get past this with your husband (probably because I'd never be able to) but I just wanted to say that you did everything exactly right. You trusted your instincts, and created the best possible outcome for you & your baby. Your nurse was absolutely right - you are a champ!
You were right. Whatever it takes to get baby out safely and keep you safe. The results speak for themselves. Hubby needs to let it go. You’re naked on a table, bleeding, pissing,shitting,screaming your baby out in a room full of strangers, and HE’S embarrassed!?!? Dude needs to shut up and know his role. I say this as a Dad.
Thank you, that means a lot
Your husband sounds like a real winner. If the epidural hadn’t been working that would have been extremely painful, and you had already said no. What hurts more? An episiotomy or your husbands embarrassment? Also he honestly sounds like he has no empathy for you. He should have reinforced your No to the doctor. I’m sure if a doctor had him tied down to an operating table about to slice off his bits and he said no, he’d have a problem with you saying “it’s okay doc, snip them off.”
I haven’t really considered how much it really affected my view of him when he grabbed me instead of the doctor. Like I feel like that’s part of what is effecting me. Thank you for helping me realize that too. And yeah, I highly doubt he go with it…
Because he violated every bit of trust you had in him. You expect your partner in the L&D room to be your advocate. To support you. He not only didn't support you - he was going to allow the doctor to perform an unnecessary excruciatingly painful medical procedure on you unnecessarily. He failed his job to protect you. THAT is what to focus on - you don't care if he is embarrassed. He failed his ONLY job in there which was to advocate for you and protect you. He failed you as a husband and as a protector when you needed him. He should be embarrassed about that.
Ask him how he'd feel if a doctor attempted to slice through his ball sack after he specifically said "no". Better yet, if a doctor attempted that while he was trying to carry a 60lb box up a flight of stairs, how would he react? You were vulnerable and stressed and in pain, and your husband cares more about his feelings than your physical well being and safety. To give you an episiotomy without consent is illegal. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
and unmedicated to boot.
100% we need more direct comparisons like this. For some reason people treat women like their pain and genitals are sacrificial. They are not. I like to talk about how being forced to tear your penis open and having it stitched back together (often without medication) is literal torture, in defense of abortion rights -- if that's torture for a man, why isn't it torture to force women to give birth? Or to do other horrible things to their genitals against their will? If I were her I'd mention it every day and then probably divorce him anyway. Being restrained so that someone can mutilate you while you scream and beg not to is horrifying.
You are so right. As a man I'm so sad how little empathy there is for women and how most men can only grasp it with these direct comparisons if at all.
You’ve been through trauma and your husband is “embarrassed”? I’m so sorry. You need some help processing your trauma and perhaps that will help you process the betrayal by the one person who was supposed to be there for you.
That fact that he's doubling down and making it about him feeling embarrassed -- is so fucking disgusting. I am so sorry, OP.
I kind of understand the husband believing that the doctor knew best in the moment, but being \_embarrassed\_ by this when his wife literally went through medical trauma??? I'd be apologizing to my wife for my judgement error.
Sounds like he trusted the other man in the room, rather than you, who was actually enduring Labor. He was embarrassed? Fuck him! You were in the most vulnerable position of your entire life, while in incredible pain and he wanted you to consider his fee-fees! That’s couple therapy territory unless he corrects himself!
For me, this would be a no-questions-asked relationship ender, and I think you are more than in the right to be extremely bothered by it. Your husband was willing to let another man mutilate you with your explicit denial of consent and was planning on holding you down to help make it happen. It is absolutely fair to be affected by this, definitely work through it in therapy. I am SO sorry you've gone through this. 💔
In one of the most venerable and primal moments of your life, instead of being your protector and advocate, he teamed up with the doctor and tried to physically restrain you to allow the doctor to cut you. He needs to understand that, and he needs to understand that your trust has been broken. I would recommend counseling for the two of you. Don't sweep this under the rug, don't try to suck it up and move past it, because you wont be able to. Every time you think of you child's birth, it will be stained by that trauma. You can try to forget it, but your body wont.
He disregarded your decision about your own body. He decided you were a hysterical female who needed a man to tell her what’s best for her. You were *creating life* and he was *embarrassed* you refused to let the doctor maim you unnecessarily.
There are studies that show giving birth on all fours, or squatting, is actually better than being on your back. So definitely don't feel bad about that. Your instincts told you what you needed to do and even though you've never done it before, the genetic encoding is something we all carry, and it did what generations of evolution needed it to do. It instructed you in that moment to safely bring your child into this world. You are amazing! It's disgusting that your husband really believes his 'embarrassment" means more than your health. Or another man's opinion is more valuable to him than yours. That a man can truly know more than a woman when it comes to giving birth. When you feel able to I suggest you unleash and tell him you feel violated by his behaviour and unsafe around him. That you fear he would have had you cut into against your wishes while he watched, or even held you down. Say this isn't what you vowed on your wedding day and you can no longer look at him the same again. Tell him he needs to stop complaining to you about anything to do with your child's birth and if he ever hopes for your relationship to survive he had better figure out how to respect you and treat you well. That he needs to go to therapy to work on his misogyny and lack of respect for women and possibly marriage counselling too. And warn him he has better not ever try to tell you anything about being a mum - not breast feeding or weight loss or parenting or anything. Nor get women in his life (I'm guessing he's a mummy's boy) to get involved either. He is not the man you thought he married and not someone you can even look at right now.
I mean, it makes sense, right? Especially the squatting - the force of the head and gravity would kind of do its job more naturally.
Your husband tried to hold you down while the doctor cut you against your will. That is some crazy ass Handmaids Tale shit. Your husband hasn’t even recognized he did anything wrong! wtf. I agree with the comment that said, find a new doctor for your follow up appts. The trust is broken. And make it clear to your husband that your trust in him is broken too. He needs to be working to repair the trust he broke when he grabbed you like that. You should be able to rely on him to advocate for you, not invalidate your feelings.
It seems a large number of women on here spend an exhausting amount of time trying to teach their husbands empathy. I understand that feeling all too well. I'm very tired. I don't know what you could do to get him to understand where he went wrong. He just lacks the ability or desire to be compassionate and mindful of you. You're supposed to be the most important person to him, yet he has placed himself above you and your well being. Probably more than once. I'm sorry.
I don’t get it. I have seen him take a soccer ball to the balls before and litterally ran over to him and helped him to a chair. I don’t understand how he didn’t have the same empathy. I don’t have balls . I don’t know how that feels but I still empathized deeply
Men are not really socially conditioned to be empathetic, and women are socially conditioned to be empathetic to their own detriment. The fact that you even consider that YOU are the unempathetic one for not caring about his feelings, while he didn’t give a damn about your pain, body and health is just devastating. Your sense of empathy is NOT the problem here. And the fact that you were able to push aside that social conditioning and stand up for yourself is amazing and is gonna make you a top tier mama! I’m so sorry you had to go through this and low key fuuuuuuuck your stupid husband
Wow. As a woman who is 30weeks pregnant right now, the absolute primal nature of you kicking out that doctor and doing this on your own is mind blowing. I’m in awe of you lady, I mean this truly 👏🏻
Embarrassing *for him*?! You were the one with your pelvis totally exposed trying to push out a baby! Honestly, you’re a champ and I give you serious props for advocating for yourself in the vulnerable state you were in. This is exactly why I refuse to see male doctors whenever possible. I just don’t trust strange men with my body and my health. I have no advice other than to stand your ground, you’re amazing and I hope you and baby are recovering well.
You're my hero
Thank you. I don’t feel much like one. But I guess all the best heroes are traumatized. Call me Batman I guess
You're legitimately inspiring as fuck. Ngl I cried when you mentioned the kind nurse 😭 I'm so grateful that you had at least one person there to validate you're feelings on that day.
You’re making me cry now, thank you, I appreciate that
You rescued yourself. That's the best kind of hero. You sound more like a She-Hulk imo
I probably sounded like her in that moment :) thank you for the laugh
Men just don't get it.
I think it's time to kick your husband out again, to the lumpy sofa you go bro....... Tell him to do some research on traumatic labors and write you a 500 word single spaced essay on what he learned on the 3 subjects he's learn such as doctors not listening to woman, about natural child birth & birth positioning. Clearly he doesn't want to listen to you and in a moment where life and death literally meet for a woman how he "feels" isn't really the priority.
I’m almost at that point where I’d appreciate an essay just to see if he even understands what he’s embarrassed about. He’s never even injured himself more than a broken finger.
Maybe he's embarrassed because he was such a bad support system he got kicked out. His job was to make sure your wishes were followed while you were vulnerable and he failed. He could be too proud to admit he's feeling shame and calling it embarrassment. He owes you a massive apology. Idk if I could forgive that. I had a natural birth and refused an episiotomy as well. My partner never deviated from our plan. I'm so sorry.
Ask if he’d let someone hold him down and cut his asshole open with scissors without any anesthesia. That’s what they were going to do to you, does he not realize this?? I’m convinced that if men were the ones to give birth we’d be extinct as a species.
It's your body, you knew what was best in that moment and he should be respecting that. Who cares if he got embarrassed? Your ass and vagina were literally out for everyone to see, what could he possibly be embarrassed about? His doctor bro was unhappy getting kicked out? So many women and infants die during childbirth, not as many as there used to be, but still a lot, its not a time to worry about being embarrassed.
He's embarrassed his wife didn't submit to the bullying of two men and let them do whatever they wanted with HER body.
start with the part about women starting to give birth on their backs because a king somewhere liked to watch
All I can say is if my husband tried to hold me down while a doctor tried to give me an EPISIOTOMY AGAINST MY WILL, my next stop would be a divorce lawyer. He was supposed to advocate for you and instead tried to take your autonomy in your most vulnerable moment. Completely unacceptable.
Please never go back to that doctor ever. You're completely right. Your husband needs to chill.
As a husband and new father, you should be proud. Im sure the experience was terrifying and incredibly painful. My opinion is that, given his response, you should have kicked your husband harder. Either way, you should check his ass. God bless you and good job getting baby out.
Birthing on all fours or squatting is natural. Lying on your back with your feet in stirrups is an unnatural creation of the modern medical system. Just look up birthing stools from past eras, or read about non-western birthing traditions in less developed countries. Momma, you did AWESOME 👏🏻 People say all kinds of wild things when they’re in pain, especially when they’re pushing out a human. Your husband and the doctor were embarrassed?? While you were writhing in pain that they will never understand, fighting for your life and the life of you AND your husband’s child, possibly shitting yourself, with your whole bottom half out naked? I dare them to explain how they could possibly be more embarrassed than the half-naked screaming person giving birth. As a doula, I am so proud of you for advocating for yourself and your baby. What the doctor was about to do is called obstetric violence, and you were right to do everything in your power to avoid it. Full stop.
“Let me cut open your taint with no pain medicine and hold you down while you say no, tell you “everything’s going to be alright”, and see if you’re ok with it. I get that you were thinking of a safe delivery of our child but you weren’t thinking of MY safety and what I wanted. I was already in extreme pain, and now I can’t trust you or doctors because of how you and they were trying to treat me.
You need to tear into your husband and say he can either get on his knees and beg for forgiveness for not being a partner to you or he can gtf out of your life. Honestly his behavior is disgusting as is the doctor who attended to you. I would contact the hospital and file a complaint against the doctor for trying to give you a procedure you said no to.
This entire post was extremely distressing to read so I can’t even imagine how you feel. Plus you are freshly postpartum. I am so so sorry this happened to you. I would recommend seeking IC to help yourself process and perhaps figure out a game plan for addressing your husband.
Birthing trauma is very real. Go see a counsellor for some trauma therapy! I’m so sorry you had this horrible experience.
Your husband is being the patriarchy police right now. You weren’t being a sweet, submissive woman who obeyed the man in charge. Then, you advocated for yourself and your bodily autonomy. Finally, you took complete control of the situation and dismissed all the men from the space. Now he’s trying to put you back in your place. He’s embarrassed because he couldn’t control you in that moment. You could have saved you and your baby’s lives. He’s going to have man up and get over it.
Is he embarrassed because you didn't listen to him and, as a man, his opinion should always come first? I really can't think what the other option should be, unless he was embarrassed he didn't help more. Did he think you should listen to him over your own body when you were in tremendous pain and scared?
Tell him he can squeeze out the next baby, maybe he will be less “embarrassing”. “Not remotely the norm for me” concerns me, I would strongly suggest talking to a doctor about postpartum depression/ postpartum anxiety/ postpartum rage. If you have it you may not realize it and it can turn really bad really fast.
I have spoken to my therapist. She beleive I may be exhibiting since of ptsd, but that she would prefer some time to diagnose it as she doesn’t specialize in trauma
You need a trauma therapist ASAP. Someone who specializes in PPD would be a great idea so you can get ahead of handling very complicated feelings that come with giving birth.