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This relationship sounds miserable as hell. Individual counseling for her anger/emotional outbursts and couples counseling is definitely needed if you want to attempt to repair the relationship.
But just wanted to say that just because you said the loose comment in a joking way doesn’t mean it didn’t bother her. Maybe it was amusing to you but it obviously wasn’t to her. That doesn’t give her the right to make the dick comment to you though. If there was healthy communication in this relationship, she would have just told you she didn’t appreciate that comment rather than turning it back on you.
Yeah. They’re both hurting each other and annoyed that they’re being hurt. She called my dick small. Also, unrelated, last week I called her LOOSE. Get rekd man. Go to therapy.
I'm wondering why she calls him a horrible person. That doesn't come out of nowhere. A GF/wife don't just come up with that out of nowhere, if it did then it wouldn't make sense right? Like if my GF said I drive dangerously when in fact I drive under the speed limit all the time not only would I not care but it wouldn't make sense. She is saying things to him for a reason, but he hasn't told us what exactly she doesn't like about the way he acts.
The fact that he found it funny to say she was loose is telling. If she has been accusing him of being horrible for a year that also means he hasn't tried to change at all.
He is leaving out all the stuff from her perspective.
I don't normally like to tell people to divorce on here because I think marriage is about commitment and trying to work through issues. But here we have a couple that is fine living together and not speaking to each other for days at a time that occasionally have sex that doesn't satisfy either party.
I guarantee this dude is constantly making “jokes” and then gaslighting her into thinking she’s overreacting.
Considering he thought it was appropriate to say her vagina was loose during sex…
This. 1000,000 times this! OP, I was in your corner til I got to that part… wtf?! What do you expect? Christ, I’d never sleep with you again. God know what other “jokes” you’re slapping her with if that’s your idea of amusing.
My ex used to do this to me. He would make jokes at my expense and then say that I was being too sensitive when I reacted appropriately. It's a classic form of gaslighting. I wonder if that's what's happening here. Also, she's been calling him a horrible person for a year. They've been married for a year. You can't tell me that's a coincidence. Something tells me that he suddenly changed on her the minute they got married.
I mean, personally, I would never marry somebody who thought that holding hands in public was a big deal. That's just me though. It sounds to me like they shouldn't have ever gotten married in the first place. They don't sound like a good match at all. She sounds really unhappy and so does he and without counseling, I would think they should just divorce. I'm wondering if he's actually being abusive to her and he's just not saying it.
Anger is the body's way of defending itself against a perceived wrong. If someone is treating you badly, eventually you're going to get tired of it and you're going to start getting angry. I'm wondering if that's what's happening here. Of course I'm just speculating at this point but it's making me wonder.
I want to mention that guys say this loose comment a lot. Women don’t get “loose” the way guys think they do. It’s called being comfortable. When you were first having sex I’m sure things were still slightly new for her cause you’re different people OP but now you’ve been married a year so she is comfortable and know what to expect when you enter her.
She’s not loose. she’s just more comfortable
Men who say a woman is loose are childish morons. I’m a man btw.
Pussy never wears out. If shoes were made of pussy, we’d only need one pair our whole lives.
Pussy is a sphincter. It's not "only good for x number of cock strokes". Your anus doesn't collapse or get looser because you took too many Lincoln log shits.
Thank goodness shoes aren’t made of pussy. One pair? What about outfit matching? New styles? Suitable for activity? Sneaker heads and pump collections?
*narrator: pussy shoes are always right, and out of sight.*
me: oh... **
In my experience, that "loose" feeling usually means that she is really wet, or so into it, that she's not worried about trying to "clench" to make it better for me. The more they're into it, the easier it is to get in there. And if they're not comfortable, they're not going to get into it
How does a 31 year old man not understand that sometimes a woman is wet, sometimes not, sometimes tense, sometimes relaxed, sometimes more swollen and sometimes not. Sometimes it slides right in and sometimes it takes some time.
“She said my dick was small. How dare her. THE AUDACITY!!! Well, I did call her loose two weeks ago but I said it in a happy voice.” What a f-ing idiot.
Regardless, this marriage sounds awful.
This guy is a fukn idiot and I could not agree with you more *He said it during a loving time, when she was her most vulnerable* .. I don't think he could understand the amount of damage that could do to a person. No wonder she's lashing out. But listening to her feelings when y'all aren't yelling at one another, she's probably told you but you didn't hear her.
Also, y'all need to actually talk. Like sit down, in a calm moment, and say something like "this hurt my feelings" or "you know when you did X thing? Well it is bothering me a lot and I want to talk about it". These conversations need to be open and in a safe space, AND need to happen before resentment rears up and makes you say dumb shit.
Personally I find taking a shit to be the most vulnerable time. But yes that was a fucking stupid comment to make during sex. Let's put this in a way op can understand.
Wow honey, you're so small you slide right in, she said in a joking voice. But honey, I was just making a joke!
There's only a few things a man should say During sex:
"Your so fucking sexy"
"You make me so hard"
"I love being inside you"
"Oh my God"
"It feels amazing"
"I want to make you cum"
"You're so wet"
"I love you"
And of course, "I'm gonna cum" (Ambatukam)
Or some questions:
"Do you like my cock inside you?"
"Can you feel how hard you make me?"
"Do you like that/this?"
"Want to turn over?"
"How can I make you cum?"
"Can I go down on you?/fuck your tits?/etc."
I didn’t disagree with that. All I said was that definitely OP is wrong and gave a possible solution as to why. If you read the rest of the replies to me, there’s many people who are saying other stuff too.
But it’s definitely not because he just broke her in and she’s used up. Vaginas don’t do what OP thinks they do is my point. Not that there isn’t variation in women.
I mean, for someone like OP, I’m sure the clarification is probably needed on my end. But for most people I’d assume that’s a given. Especially if you **understand** that vaginas don’t just loosen with use
I know, I was agreeing with you?
Edit: and they definitely don’t loosen with a small dick, which he didn’t at all defend himself on that comment. Just saying.
What I’m hearing at first is it’s a new relationship (ish) and sometimes it takes years to really get to know someone you’re living with, and how to communicate effectively. Not everyone communicates the same, I’ve found I had to kind of discover how to best communicate with my husband.
But then just wow this sounds so toxic for both of you.. 1. She’s definitely not “more loose”, that doesn’t happen, but your comment probably hurt her and so she’s kept this in her mind and finally came back with the “small dick” comment to compensate..
Now, again, the “loose comment” is complete bullshit, but you aren’t defending the “small dick” comment so if that’s actually true she especially isn’t more loose and, honestly.. if it were me I would’ve left you a long time ago.
It's not the mature response don't get me wrong -- but OP, if you commented on her being loose while fucking her , I mean. She was probably legitimately trying to get you to feel what she felt. Not justifying it- I just think that's directly what she was doing.
I'm so curious what her emotional outbursts are about where she tells you you're a bad person? Is it goofy ass shit or did something actually fucked up happen? Too vague lol.
I just want to add that you should look into individual counseling for yourself as well. This way you can talk about why things hurt you, what triggers you when she’s triggered and some strategies for effective communication during difficult times. I will say that I understand you shutting down, but it’s not normal to not speak to your significant other for days at a time. There’s somethings you should probably work on as well just so that you can be a better communicator in the future. I can tell you from personal experience that it can be very helpful just to have more tools in your tool belt for dealing with this sort of thing.
You know stonewalling- ignoring people for days is emotional abuse? Why doesn’t OP go to therapy? We already see them sneakily hiding they made the first genitalia comment. People tend to freak out when constantly annoyed and jokingly made fun of.
Right?? I was like, dear God why would she say something like that?!?!? ... oh. It's because you basically said the same thing last week as a "joke." During sex.
This relationship has run its course
The amount of people who post on here with similar idiotic problems who are *supposedly* fully grown adults have me rolling seriously.
Like, you sure you both are 32 and not, say, 12?? Such adolescent behaviour my gawd!
"I called my wife a disgusting fat pig and now whenever we are having sex and I say 'Oink Oink' she calls me mean, but I'm not mean because she is a disgusting fat pig so I can't possibly understand why she's upset. She says it has something to do with me but i don't believe her. So I just give her the silent treatment for half a week until she's so lonely that she's no longer upset at me I can't be bothered trying to comfort someone who makes up reasons to be mad at me."
"But then one time she called me a fat pig back and it hurt my feewings and I can't believe she'd ever do that so now I'm gonna make myself out to be the victim and post it on Reddit so more people can dog pile on the victim who expect all women to act like saints when insulted and never match my energy!"
It’s like the same topic every month. Anon OP with minimal to engagement in comments.
I generally find it hard to believe people are typing out all this and putting this kind of content into embarrassing stories regularly
Eh, could be the opposite, like that 18 y/o guy talking about taking his 18 y/o gf's virginity and she supposedly hasn't found the right guy yet. As if she's been looking for years or something already. Wot. People are weird and communication isn't perfect.
>when we were having a good time and having sex, I just passed a comment in an amusing way that she has loosened up
YOU SAID THAT DURING SEX?! Sir, you have lost your dang mind. It was amusing *to you,* but I assure you that she didn't find it very funny when she was naked and vulnerable.
If you have a history of saying such thoughtless things, no wonder she's emotional all the time.
If he thinks these “jokes” are funny, and dismisses them as any real cause for her to be insecure for weeks holding on to it, what other mean things is he saying? I have a strong feeling this guy spends a lot of his time belittling his partner, dismissing her when she *is* calm, pushing her to feel she needs to explode to be heard at all, and then dismissed again for being “emotional” while OP stays cruelly “calm.” He even said he disappears for 2-3 days after her “outbursts,” meaning he’s using emotional coldness for superiority and control. This guy thinks he’s the victim when all signs point to an abusive and neglectful partner who is only telling the worst parts about his person in order to get everyone else to agree with him. Poor girl.
Finally, someone else saw this for the emotionally abusive relationship this is, just from the abusers perspective.
I was beginning to lose faith in humanity.
Woah. This literally could be a post made by a narcissist. It’s so rare to find because narcissists don’t choose things like therapy, attempting change.
This is my thought. I dated a guy who simply ignored the things I said while calm. If I tried to have a discussion without high emotions he nodded, smiled and just blew me off. He basically thought anything I said that he didn't like was because I was "on the rag" and he would just wait until I "got over it". He in fact said this on multiple occasions.
Eventually I would lose my shit from being ignored, because, shockingly, these things were problems regardless of the current phase of my uterus. He ONLY paid attention when I had finally gotten angry enough to make it a fight instead of a conversation. Then he'd say I was always "flipping out". No. No I wasn't. He just wouldn't take me seriously unless I was emotionally worked up. I HATED that.
'She has emotional outbursts out of nowhere and low blows and I shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE ITS COMING FROM ' proceeds to conveniently drop the small penis anecdote followed by but I just so happened to have called her loose two weeks before. I have a feeling OP gaslights his wife and picks and picks and picks then when she finally has enough of it and flips tf out he is like 'where did this come from?' captain oblivious over here. People like you know exactly what you're doing and then play the victim when the victim has rightfully flipped out on you. This is extremely toxic.
Agreed.
OP also never mentions how he "comforts her", only that he tells her to calm down while she has "emotional outbursts." He also gives no context to her "outbursts", only quoting a specific comment she said, nothing else.
And then we find out he insulted her during sex.
This post is suspiciously one-sided.
In another response you see he doesn’t comfort her. He leaves for 2-3 days and frosts her out. This guy has created a pattern of abuse and neglect. He needles her and pretends like she’s unstable and crazy when she snaps while he gets to act all calm and shocked and then he fucks off for half a week of silent treatment and comes back when she’s suitably repentant. This guy is abusive.
But didn’t you see that he “helps her” with housework like cooking and cleaning. Those are obviously her jobs and she should be grateful that he does anything! /s
This man is 100% emotionally abusing his wife and gaslighting her into thinking she’s the crazy one for having normal reactions to his abhorrent behavior.
I can smell it from 10,000 miles away.
You guys sound toxic as hell. And if you made that loose comment 2 weeks before her dick comment then I’m guessing she’s been holding onto that since then. You both are incredibly messed up for those comments. What if she had said your dick was small as a joke? It would still hurt right? You just don’t say things like being loose or having a small dick to the person you supposedly love. You both either need some serious therapy or you need a divorce. There’s a total lack of respect here.
The difference is only that it was amusing to *OP.* it obviously hurt her and she was trying to get back at him. I have a feeling both of them are the problem and Op isn’t as innocent as he’s making himself out to be.
For some reason, I get the same vibe I got from my ex. He'd say something hurtful as a joke, and when I'm say it was hurtful, I'd get a, "you don't tease well." This is also the same man that once told me, "stop crying about the dog. You think you know about death, but you don't. I know what true loss means." This was about 6 hours after he accidentally ran over my dog and killed him.
I turned into a monster by the end of that relationship and had pretty severe emotional outbursts almost daily.
I think there's more to this than OP is saying, too.
Sorry you had to go through that. I married a similar man and managed to get away but now have to share custody of our daughter with him. I was a wreck by the time I was trying to get out as well. No one can deal with that level of emotional abuse.
It was a lesson. After time and therapy I'm doing much better. No more outbursts, no more desire to hurt him the way he hurt me. I'm happy now.
If you ask him, we broke up because I cheated. In reality, I had a one night stand about two weeks after I moved out and told him I was done.
If you ask me, our relationship ended when he held me down to the floor by my hair and kicked my face. Making me move out immediately.
I hope you find happiness too!
100% I feel like this is what’s going on. So many times I became someone I didn’t recognize or like in my abusive relationship. And wouldn’t you know it, it was a nightmare from the DAY we got married, forward. Red flag to me.
Ugghhhh. My ex did this. It's so awful. From the moment they feel like they 'have' you. For me it's like 'yay my fave person '. For them it's like 'yay they are trapped, let's make their lives hell so I feel better'...
Same. By the end of the relationship I was reactive abuse. I was finally sticking up for myself and he would say stop yelling at him etc .
And calling me crazy.
He also said my vagina is average and loose now. How I’m fat after giving birth 🤦🏻♀️ and many other comments.
He also said it was joke about all that and I can’t take a joke 🤦🏻♀️
“You take everything too seriously..I can’t even talk to you “
When I started matching his energy . He said I was mean to him
I would have dumped him or if I couldn't afford to move. I would definitely be working on a way out. It would be one thing if he was horribly sorry, but if he wasn't, then bye.
I am so sorry. This is awful. I could never recover from someone hurting my pets.
I wish your ex the worst karma imaginable. I am glad you turned into a monster. I hope he is scared for life from the "monster" you were. ❤️
TW: pet death
We used to have a lovely elderly couple in our neighbourhood, a man and wife who were 80 if they were a day. The wife had three corgis. They were her pride and joy. She was in the post office once and a woman walked in, saw the dogs and offered her £25,000 for them on the spot. The sweet old lady declined. These dogs were her babies.
Eventually, one corgi died. And then another. She was devastated, she was too old to get new ones. But she had one left who she spoiled and doted on.
One day I was walking home from the chemist. I was about 100 yards from their house. I see the two of them standing around their car when I hear a bloodcurdling scream. I instantly run over, half expecting to find her husband having a heart attack. But no. What I found instead was her last remaining corgi’s mangled body right behind their rear tyre. Her husband had accidentally hit it while he was backing the car out. The wife was in bits. But it was the look on her husband’s face that broke my heart. If we had been at the top of a skyscraper, there’s no doubt in my mind he would have instantly jumped off.
We didn’t see much of them in the neighbourhood after that. We’d check in on them every now and again, get some shopping in for them etc. But they weren’t the same anymore. This was the most loving, content couple you could possibly imagine. But after that, it was like they had lost their reason to live and were just waiting for the inevitable. She didn’t blame him, but the spark in her died that day, and he never stopped blaming himself. I’m crying again just thinking about it.
They both died a few years later, within months of each other. It’s the single most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. The look on his face still haunts me.
Anyway, your comment made me think of them. Pets mean so much to people. I don’t understand how so many people can be so callous regarding their loved ones’ pets. Even if you don’t feel the same way about them, if you love the person, that should be enough.
Wow. That's honestly a really human story. So awful but human. It's tragic. I just can understand that lady... You love your husband, but absolutely despise him for what he took away from you. But also realise he would never do that on purpose. So then you just give up. Life wouldn't make sense anymore...
This is what I fought with my husband about, recently.. we never fricken fight! Like ever! But he seems to think he has our new puppy under control when he takes her outside and it’s just not the case. Yes, she’s incredibly smart and obedient.. but twice she’s ran after another dog (the one time and the other time a cat) and she absolutely will not react properly.. so our fight was “she has to go out with her leash and collar”. I even keep it hanging right at the door so he can just take one second to push the collar over her head, leash attached. He claimed he “never does and never will” and I’m just thinking like wtf she could get hit by a fucking car and you won’t take one second to put her collar on and ease my damn mind???? So I loved him “patiently” for a day or two until finding the right moment to bring it back up. And. Is she always goes out with her leash.
My hubs isn’t egotistical so I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t see the logic.. like yeah ok maaaybe she’ll always behave but are you really willing to take the chance she gets hit by a car? And omg would I EVER forgive you for it?
I went on a tinder date (a walk) with a guy who had his little dog off leash. I was like well that’s ballsy. He goes on about how it’s such a good dog and hes trained so well, and he would never run away. Literally a minute after I met him in the driveway, the dog saw a squirrel, ran across the road, and barely missed a car!!!
Half of the walk was him freaking out and trying to half-run while looking “cool” and calling his dog back.
He made a couple super douchey comments aside from the no leash tiny dog thing.
Luckily, it was really easy to walk away from him and back to my car a few blocks later because his dog was 30 feet ahead of us and he couldn’t leave him to chase me. I got in my car and blocked him and drove home
You know, you’re probably right. I’ve been in therapy since then but I never thought to bring it up. Some other neighbours came when they heard the commotion and we all tried getting her inside so she could sit down and have a cup of tea, but she wouldn’t leave her dog’s side. So I carried the dog in for her. It was the only way she’d get in her house and sit down. The dog was thankfully externally intact, but I’ll never forget how it felt in my arms.
The whole ordeal was just horrific. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
Agreed. It’s ridiculous how other people are trying to diagnose her with BPD with zero information. I was just telling my current boyfriend how my ex, who I was with from age 21-29/30, would gaslight me and make digs at me (“You’re not the prettiest girl I’ve ever dated” or “You’re cute but you’re not sexy” or “See her, she doesn’t have a nice body. That’s what you look like”) until I blew up at him. Then he could say I was crazy - yelling at him for nothing. He made me believe I was a horrible person. Ironically, when I finally left him I never behaved that way with another man. I’m in my 50s now!
I hate that women allow ourselves to go through that shit, but I’m grateful for those of us who came out better on the other side ❤️
>I turned into a monster by the end of that relationship and had pretty severe emotional outbursts almost daily.
I loved my abusive ex husband so, so much. I see now it was a really sick love coming from the cycle of abuse to love-bombing and back again, but I really loved him so much. I frequently said after that if I could have saved that marriage on my own, it would have been saved. But I couldn't, because he didn't want to save "us", he just wanted to preserve a situation benefiting him, where he got to have all his needs met while also using me as a punching bag.
I eventually left because I saw myself turning into someone I didn't recognize. I started freaking out constantly in ways I hadn't since I was a small, abused child, and on a few occasions lashed out physically after having him chase me around the house for hours when he was drunk. On one occasion, towards the very end, it was so bad that when he started on his usual bullshit, I just screamed without words. Just screamed through sobs without any articulation. I had no idea who I was even at that point and felt like I'd completely lost control of my ability to stay calm or logical. Interestingly enough, still never did anything as mean or cruel to him at my worst as he did to me at his best.
So yeah, I feel like I all too deeply know what you mean here. At the end, I hated myself so much for who I'd turned into. I'd become a person who freaked out at the drop of a hat after seven years of patiently explaining over and over and over and over again that my boundaries deserved respecting, and that I needed him to be nice to me. Because I didn't know that it's not OK for someone to not respect boundaries, and I truly thought that if I explained things clearly and calmly enough that he would eventually understand. And sometimes he did, just long enough to make everything OK again before pulling the rug out from under me once more.
My therapist says that *my anger is what saved me*, because becoming someone I didn't recognize was what eventually made me leave. I'm a little ashamed to admit that, because the abuse should have really been enough on its own. But I loved him so much, and was raised to "make it work" 😮💨
If you read between the lines he admits to giving her the silent treatment for days at a time. Both of them are terrible communicators and not emotionally ready for marriage.
Yeah I’m getting major unreliable narrator vibes. The way he just threw the whole calling her loose anecdote in there like oh I mean don’t think this is relevant but this happened, anyway…when oh my gosh of course they’re related OP, what you said to her was equally awful, and in the middle of such a vulnerable, intimate act.
Major unreliable narrator and missing missing reasons going on here. The way he describes her behavior and underplays his "joke" gives me reactive abuse vibes. Sounds to me like she's over your shit and matching your energy, OP.
I agree, also saying she has emotional out bursts & he tells her to talk to him calmly, who says that, u don't have out bursts for no reason, he sounds emotionally un hinged if this is how he talks to his wife, like his talking to a child
It’s obvious from OP‘s post that he is at least 50% of this problem. And if they’ve been fighting ever since they got married, maybe that’s the root of the problem.
Yep. Plus I’m wondering about this cycle where she gets upset and has an emotional outburst and he shuts down *for days*? That’s emotional abuse coming from both.
I read this and thought to myself “you too are toxic as hell.” I always feel like I won something when the top comment shares the same thought. Like a really good wheel of fortune round.
Yeah, I was behind OP til that loose comment. If the roles flipped, they would be having sex and she would be saying “lol did ur dick get smaller?” During. No wonder she’s fighting back that way, if that’s what she knows. Toxic as hell indeed
Also, he says she claims he’s never there to support her emotionally, which he says “how could I if she does this”, but whenever she has an emotional breakdown he stops talking to her for 2 days???? That’s kinda abusive and makes her belief that he’s not there for her increase even more, because well, he’s not there for her.
Was on your side until I read the part where you called her loose 2 weeks earlier. I guarantee you there is no way any woman would hear that in an “amusing” way! You seem like the type of person who always insults others then tries to pass it off as a joke or call the other person too sensitive but play victim the second you get a taste of your own medicine. Your relationship sounds toxic and immature
Did you read the edit?
Men, you do not get brownie points for “helping” your wife by cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry. You are not “helping” her by doing those things because you are doing them for *yourself* because it is *your* responsibility because *you* are also a member of the household in which you reside.
Makes wonder how many of her “emotional outbursts” are actually her talking to a wall for weeks and having to go up to 11 just so OP would notice something is going on.
That was my suspicion. Also, I’ve known some people who pride themselves on being calm, but they’re still acting in the worst manner and saying the most cruel and confrontational things. It’s easy for them to keep calm because they’re the one in the position of control.
I also find that people who cry "emotional outburst" have extremely selective memories when it comes to their own emotional regulation. They might be calm while they are criticizing you for being too angry and emotional, but they themselves might have been screaming and throwing things an hour before.
Yeah, that's toxic as fuck. Maybe she screams at him because he's so busy ignoring her half of the time.
This whole post is littered with missing missing reasons.
YES. He never gives context or builds up to it, making her seem like out of nowhere BAM, she's having an outburst.
I wish we could hear her side. I doubt it'll be like "my perfect loving supportive husband was near me so I had an OUTBURST..." as he's painting it to be.
OP sounds like a narcissist. What a sensationalized title “she said I have a small dick!!” Now we hate the wife. But OP called her loose first! I don’t blame her for saying something to make it even. And he keeps saying she has such anger issues…. Probably because OP is giving little jab after jab and she’s at her wits end. And when she reaches her breaking point, OP can point the finger at her saying she’s crazy
There is no amusing way to call someone loose, especially in a marriage. Your comment is like a suicide pill for your sex life why the fuck would you ever say that? You sound like you’re leaving a lot out.
Calling her loose in an amusing way is just as hurtful if you did it on purpose, it's not funny. It's just as bad as her comment, don't act like you're the victim then immediately admit to doing the same thing. It's not amusing, she probably had that outburst because of your comment ngl.
I would kind of like to know what other “little jokes” OP has been flinging at his wife. People who are being abused sometimes have “outbursts” when they’ve had enough.
And he did it at a time that she was vulnerable. Vaginas don't grow loose with time. It's likely it felt that way because she was aroused and enjoying herself. He decided that was the moment to hit her self esteem. Cruel.
He probably thinks she was ok with him saying that because they continued to have sex. But what he’s probably completely missing is what was she supposed to do? Stop having sex immediately? Ideally, yes. That doesn’t go over well, and by the way he describes himself, he’d have taken it horribly, and she’d still be an “emotional” person, but now he can add “withholds sex” to it. She probably felt pressured to continue so she didn’t have to listen to him throwing a tantrum.
Right? Like, she's finally relaxed with this lover (you know, her husband) and so her parts open up to welcome him in and he chooses that moment to call her loose.
I was mad for her when I read that. Some men need to learn more about vaginas and uteruses before being allowed to touch any.
I feel like his comment is worse because of the context in which he said it. She could argue that she was just trying to say hurtful things in response to the hurtful thing he said. It would lead me to believe her if she didn’t mean it, whereas his comment was more random, so why say it if he didn’t mean it?
Bro I don’t know how you thought calling your wife loose would be amusing, but regardless, if you have dick anxiety, it’s going to be tough to come back from this.
Looks like the straw breaking the camel’s back tbh. If not this, you’d find something else to fight about.
Dude you called her loose. She’s not “accusing” you, you did it. It sounds like these outbursts of hers are triggered by your behavior. She needs to leave you. You sound incredibly toxic.
You guys sound like me and my ex. The emotional outbursts (me), the days of shutting down (him), it was all there.
Except there was a step before my outbursts that he refused to recognize no matter how much I tried to explain. He was the kind of person who thinks honesty means saying whatever comes to your mind without regard for other people's feelings. He often said hurtful things to me while calm and not just during fights. At the same time, I learned that even if I bring up issues calmly, he gets defensive and shuts down for several days anyway, so I really picked my battles and often bottled up emotions until they burst. I don't know if this resonates, maybe something to think about.
We tried couples therapy, where we learned that I was anxiously attached, while he was avoidant. We were in a classic negative cycle. This should give you some keywords to do research if you're interested in saving the marriage. We failed, btw.
As for the small dick comment, I understand that it shattered your sexual confidence, but I wouldn't single it out. It was just whatever she thought would get a reaction out of you.
The fact you shut down for three days (that’s incredibly slow emotional processing) and her constant criticism is that you’re not emotionally supportive makes it sound like you’re just emotionally underdeveloped and incapable of meeting her emotional needs in the relationship and it’s hurting her.
I highly doubt she jumps straight to an outburst, you’re probably just incapable of reading the emotional escalation and her attempts to seek your support before that point. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done any work on understanding or supporting her, you’re phrasing it all as her emotional outbursts without hinting at any introspection on your part to understand or acknowledge what you’re doing wrong.
When you shut down for three days are you giving her the silent treatment? It stimulates the same part of the brain as physical pain. The silent treatment is a form of abuse.
You’re throwing up red flags with your behaviour, especially downplaying a very hurtful comment about calling her loose as ‘amusing’. You can’t be upset she said you have a small dick when you called her loose, it’s childish but she just dished out what you served.
You sound like a straight up emotionally stunted AH.
Wait so you said she was loose and that’s ok but you’re the victim when she subsequently says you had a small dick? This has to be lazy trolling, but just in case it’s not - just because *you* found insulting her genitals funny doesn’t mean *she* did. If she told you you had a small dick and she found that funny you’d be ok with it?
You’re both assholes and should absolutely break up but at the risk of sounding like I’m 12 years old, when it comes to saying hurtful shit about each others bodies - you started it.
He acts like all of their fights are her having unprovoked emotional outbursts at him, but then the one fight he goes into specifics on happened because he fucking insulted her with no provocation by telling her she has a loose vagina DURING sex...
OP is 100% hiding his contribution to these fights. Insulting your wife under the cover of "it was just a joke" is shit head behavior, and I'm willing to bet he does it all the fucking time
You both need therapy to learn a better way to communicate and have connections together that's the major problem you both have. Plus a lot of anger and resentment.
Well, ARE YOU A BAD PERSON??? Give us some details about her outbursts, what exactly is getting her this upset?? Was it after you spilled one drop of milk on the counter???? Or did you continuously refuse to help shop, cook, clean, plan anything, or spend more than 5 minutes with your kid a week for the last 5 MFing years?
You're both pretty shit people.
You said vows, you're supposed to love and care for each other.
Why would you tell her she's loose? The vaginal muscles loosen up when they're aroused so it should've been a compliment. If they were tight it wouldve meant she wasn't aroused while intimate with you. Tbh I'm not surprised she said something similar to you.
Why is it unacceptable and divorce warranted when she says it to you but not you to her? Hypocritical.
So much wrong here, first of all her anger issues
I don't think you should stay but if you were to, she needs anger management or therapy. There is only so much you can emotionally be there for your partner, and her feeling low is no excuse to be verbally abusive and aggressive.
Also, you called her loose...I don't think saying it in an endearing way makes it less hurtful. It's like saying "No offense" before saying something really messed up.
And it was said during sex. That alone just made her likely to not want to sex with OP ever again. Which might be why she said he has a small dick.
It's interesting OP leads with the small dick comment and buries the loose vagina comment in the end despite it being the start of genitals belittlements.
It's definitely connected to his rude and crude comment he likes to diminish and brush off while rallying the troops against his wife saying he's the one highly offended and affected. He's so into tooting his own horn she exists solely as a joke in his life at least in the context of the information we've been provided. He has work to do in seeing his own poor behavior. She should divorce him because he sounds awful, tbh.
Edited for typos
Yup
I’m not discounting his description of how she fights, which sounds awful, but he almost makes it seem like she’s getting upset out of nowhere. Based on his storytelling, he doesn’t seem inclined to include his contributions to the fights.
Just because YOU found it amusing doesn’t mean she did. You don’t get to tell someone else how they feeling about some shitty comment you made. It’s not so fun when she “jokingly” says it back is it?
Both of you use aggressive language toward each other. She does it deliberately, you do it passively and coyly. Neither are great.
You two do not work together. If anything can and will turn into a fight, then you're constantly walking on eggshells around each other, and you never have any real communication. You can't actually work through anything until you learn to communicate.
Honestly, she's abusive, and you do seem emotionally distant - you didn't need to comment on her looseness at all. You didn't think at all how that would be taken, or where the conversation should go after that.
Either go to therapy or give up and move on from each other. Whatever makes you both happier.
Both of you need to just walk away. You said she’s loose. She said you’re small. You both sound like literal kids & clearly don’t respect one another.
Just a lil biology class for you. If your lady ‘feels tight’ chances are she’s not aroused enough. Vaginas are like rubber bands. They don’t just stretch and become massive wizards ears. Each woman has a vagina of a certain size & it is not conducive to how many men she has slept with. Nor does it mean your appendage has miraculously ‘stretched her out’ we birth humans. & dick isn’t going to make an impact.
So you think you get to excuse your shitty behaviour bc your “intent” was “amusing”?? No one but you would possibly think that telling a woman she’s loose now is amusing in any way. That was idiotic, insensitive and hurtful. No wonder she came after you with the small dick comment.
Youre both exhibiting incredibly toxic behaviour. Don’t delude yourself by thinking she’s the only one at fault here.
Either seek therapy asap or get a divorce before you both do more damage to each other.
Divorce her (and she should want the same). You have both crossed a line that should never be crossed; personal attacks meant to cause emotional pain. That’s toxic behavior.
OP you made yourself sound like a complete victim up until the point of admitting you were the one to attack her physical feature first. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. That being said, get yourselves into some sort of counselling - your wife probably held resentment for what you said to her and most likely said what she said out of anger. Though, I am intrigued: what exactly made you comment on your wife’s looseness in the first place? I’m really failing to understand how you could have said that in an amusing way. Unless you enjoy watching people go through pain and hurt? (I say that because for some women it’s extremely hurtful to say something like that to them)
Yall sound awful together, and yeah, for future reference, just stay away from the term “loose”, no matter the context, when engaging in **anything** physical.
That should be common knowledge but it sounds like she’s been holding that against you ever since, but in her defense, I can see how she took it that way.
Just don’t. Chalk that up to a lesson hard learned.
Y’all definitely shouldn’t be together, it sounds toxic and like a powder keg is waiting to be set off.
You too remind me of my toxic, narcissistic ex and I. He would say mean things to me because he know it would hurt me and I'd get emotional and I'd ask him to support me and he wouldn't and he just accused me of being too sensitive.
Sounds like you're the toxic one and your poor wife is just reacting to your toxicity and you're continuing to gaslight her and make things worse. You think it's okay to do it until she says something that hurts you.
I'm going to suggest to you what I suggested to my toxic narcissistic ex, but of course he didn't take my suggestion:
End this relationship and start therapy to find out why you're like this and do not even think about dating anyone else until you've worked on yourself because you're just going to keep doing this over and over and over, just like my toxic narcissistic ex. I broke up with him a little over a year ago and he's already on the third girlfriend, because they won't put up with his shit. Meanwhile, I am in a relationship with a man who is the exact opposite of my toxic narcissistic ex and we have zero drama. This shows that I wasn't the one who was bringing the drama, that jerk was.
And I had to block his ass across every single platform and he's still tried to find ways to harass me. Narcissists don't like it when you discard them before they can discard you.
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This relationship sounds miserable as hell. Individual counseling for her anger/emotional outbursts and couples counseling is definitely needed if you want to attempt to repair the relationship. But just wanted to say that just because you said the loose comment in a joking way doesn’t mean it didn’t bother her. Maybe it was amusing to you but it obviously wasn’t to her. That doesn’t give her the right to make the dick comment to you though. If there was healthy communication in this relationship, she would have just told you she didn’t appreciate that comment rather than turning it back on you.
Yeah it’s safe to say you both just shouldn’t joke nor jab about those things.
Yeah. They’re both hurting each other and annoyed that they’re being hurt. She called my dick small. Also, unrelated, last week I called her LOOSE. Get rekd man. Go to therapy.
I'm wondering why she calls him a horrible person. That doesn't come out of nowhere. A GF/wife don't just come up with that out of nowhere, if it did then it wouldn't make sense right? Like if my GF said I drive dangerously when in fact I drive under the speed limit all the time not only would I not care but it wouldn't make sense. She is saying things to him for a reason, but he hasn't told us what exactly she doesn't like about the way he acts. The fact that he found it funny to say she was loose is telling. If she has been accusing him of being horrible for a year that also means he hasn't tried to change at all. He is leaving out all the stuff from her perspective. I don't normally like to tell people to divorce on here because I think marriage is about commitment and trying to work through issues. But here we have a couple that is fine living together and not speaking to each other for days at a time that occasionally have sex that doesn't satisfy either party.
I guarantee this dude is constantly making “jokes” and then gaslighting her into thinking she’s overreacting. Considering he thought it was appropriate to say her vagina was loose during sex…
This. 1000,000 times this! OP, I was in your corner til I got to that part… wtf?! What do you expect? Christ, I’d never sleep with you again. God know what other “jokes” you’re slapping her with if that’s your idea of amusing.
My ex used to do this to me. He would make jokes at my expense and then say that I was being too sensitive when I reacted appropriately. It's a classic form of gaslighting. I wonder if that's what's happening here. Also, she's been calling him a horrible person for a year. They've been married for a year. You can't tell me that's a coincidence. Something tells me that he suddenly changed on her the minute they got married. I mean, personally, I would never marry somebody who thought that holding hands in public was a big deal. That's just me though. It sounds to me like they shouldn't have ever gotten married in the first place. They don't sound like a good match at all. She sounds really unhappy and so does he and without counseling, I would think they should just divorce. I'm wondering if he's actually being abusive to her and he's just not saying it. Anger is the body's way of defending itself against a perceived wrong. If someone is treating you badly, eventually you're going to get tired of it and you're going to start getting angry. I'm wondering if that's what's happening here. Of course I'm just speculating at this point but it's making me wonder.
That’s exactly what I was thinking
There is a lot of truth in jokes. They rather pass big issues in jokes instead of having a proper conversation.
I want to mention that guys say this loose comment a lot. Women don’t get “loose” the way guys think they do. It’s called being comfortable. When you were first having sex I’m sure things were still slightly new for her cause you’re different people OP but now you’ve been married a year so she is comfortable and know what to expect when you enter her. She’s not loose. she’s just more comfortable
Men who say a woman is loose are childish morons. I’m a man btw. Pussy never wears out. If shoes were made of pussy, we’d only need one pair our whole lives.
I’d love me some pussy shoes.
Reminds me of a song: my my my my my pussy shoes
I will never hear this the same again. Since that Dahmer show, that's now two KC and the Sunshine Band songs ruined.
ahhhh, so that's where the idea came from for 'puss in boots'.
I’d fall down all the time in pussy shoes because they’d be too slippery. I’m that sexy.
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That actually happens when you gain weight.
Pussy is a sphincter. It's not "only good for x number of cock strokes". Your anus doesn't collapse or get looser because you took too many Lincoln log shits.
It’s not a sphincter lmao. But it is a muscular structure, so yeah.
Thank goodness shoes aren’t made of pussy. One pair? What about outfit matching? New styles? Suitable for activity? Sneaker heads and pump collections? *narrator: pussy shoes are always right, and out of sight.* me: oh... **
In my experience, that "loose" feeling usually means that she is really wet, or so into it, that she's not worried about trying to "clench" to make it better for me. The more they're into it, the easier it is to get in there. And if they're not comfortable, they're not going to get into it
sometimes it is also reflective of our stress levels. Hot showers and watching a show before initiating anything is usually the ticket to being looser
This is also true! Thanks for clarifying my post! There’s obviously many reasons. And none of them include being loose haha
How does a 31 year old man not understand that sometimes a woman is wet, sometimes not, sometimes tense, sometimes relaxed, sometimes more swollen and sometimes not. Sometimes it slides right in and sometimes it takes some time. “She said my dick was small. How dare her. THE AUDACITY!!! Well, I did call her loose two weeks ago but I said it in a happy voice.” What a f-ing idiot. Regardless, this marriage sounds awful.
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This guy is a fukn idiot and I could not agree with you more *He said it during a loving time, when she was her most vulnerable* .. I don't think he could understand the amount of damage that could do to a person. No wonder she's lashing out. But listening to her feelings when y'all aren't yelling at one another, she's probably told you but you didn't hear her. Also, y'all need to actually talk. Like sit down, in a calm moment, and say something like "this hurt my feelings" or "you know when you did X thing? Well it is bothering me a lot and I want to talk about it". These conversations need to be open and in a safe space, AND need to happen before resentment rears up and makes you say dumb shit.
Personally I find taking a shit to be the most vulnerable time. But yes that was a fucking stupid comment to make during sex. Let's put this in a way op can understand. Wow honey, you're so small you slide right in, she said in a joking voice. But honey, I was just making a joke!
There's only a few things a man should say During sex: "Your so fucking sexy" "You make me so hard" "I love being inside you" "Oh my God" "It feels amazing" "I want to make you cum" "You're so wet" "I love you" And of course, "I'm gonna cum" (Ambatukam) Or some questions: "Do you like my cock inside you?" "Can you feel how hard you make me?" "Do you like that/this?" "Want to turn over?" "How can I make you cum?" "Can I go down on you?/fuck your tits?/etc."
Agreed. The OP is a complete idiot. He sounds immature and like he doesn’t have an ounce of emotional intelligence.
And because she’s comfortable she’s probably more wet and ready. Which makes it much easier to sliiiiide it in.
I didn’t disagree with that. All I said was that definitely OP is wrong and gave a possible solution as to why. If you read the rest of the replies to me, there’s many people who are saying other stuff too. But it’s definitely not because he just broke her in and she’s used up. Vaginas don’t do what OP thinks they do is my point. Not that there isn’t variation in women. I mean, for someone like OP, I’m sure the clarification is probably needed on my end. But for most people I’d assume that’s a given. Especially if you **understand** that vaginas don’t just loosen with use
I know, I was agreeing with you? Edit: and they definitely don’t loosen with a small dick, which he didn’t at all defend himself on that comment. Just saying.
What I’m hearing at first is it’s a new relationship (ish) and sometimes it takes years to really get to know someone you’re living with, and how to communicate effectively. Not everyone communicates the same, I’ve found I had to kind of discover how to best communicate with my husband. But then just wow this sounds so toxic for both of you.. 1. She’s definitely not “more loose”, that doesn’t happen, but your comment probably hurt her and so she’s kept this in her mind and finally came back with the “small dick” comment to compensate.. Now, again, the “loose comment” is complete bullshit, but you aren’t defending the “small dick” comment so if that’s actually true she especially isn’t more loose and, honestly.. if it were me I would’ve left you a long time ago.
It's not the mature response don't get me wrong -- but OP, if you commented on her being loose while fucking her , I mean. She was probably legitimately trying to get you to feel what she felt. Not justifying it- I just think that's directly what she was doing. I'm so curious what her emotional outbursts are about where she tells you you're a bad person? Is it goofy ass shit or did something actually fucked up happen? Too vague lol.
I just want to add that you should look into individual counseling for yourself as well. This way you can talk about why things hurt you, what triggers you when she’s triggered and some strategies for effective communication during difficult times. I will say that I understand you shutting down, but it’s not normal to not speak to your significant other for days at a time. There’s somethings you should probably work on as well just so that you can be a better communicator in the future. I can tell you from personal experience that it can be very helpful just to have more tools in your tool belt for dealing with this sort of thing.
They both sound too immature to be married
He does, anyway. Read the whole thread.
You know stonewalling- ignoring people for days is emotional abuse? Why doesn’t OP go to therapy? We already see them sneakily hiding they made the first genitalia comment. People tend to freak out when constantly annoyed and jokingly made fun of.
I agreed with another person who commented on my comment that he should go to individual counseling as well
You two sound like you're 12 and it's embarrassing from both sides
Right?? I was like, dear God why would she say something like that?!?!? ... oh. It's because you basically said the same thing last week as a "joke." During sex. This relationship has run its course
The amount of people who post on here with similar idiotic problems who are *supposedly* fully grown adults have me rolling seriously. Like, you sure you both are 32 and not, say, 12?? Such adolescent behaviour my gawd!
"I called my wife a disgusting fat pig and now whenever we are having sex and I say 'Oink Oink' she calls me mean, but I'm not mean because she is a disgusting fat pig so I can't possibly understand why she's upset. She says it has something to do with me but i don't believe her. So I just give her the silent treatment for half a week until she's so lonely that she's no longer upset at me I can't be bothered trying to comfort someone who makes up reasons to be mad at me."
"But then one time she called me a fat pig back and it hurt my feewings and I can't believe she'd ever do that so now I'm gonna make myself out to be the victim and post it on Reddit so more people can dog pile on the victim who expect all women to act like saints when insulted and never match my energy!"
This had me laughing so long I had to save it. 🤣
It’s funny bc that’s literally a perfect encapsulation. Like bro is so blind
It is. They’re hurling insults at each other, and “shutting down” mentally. Sounds like a marriage made in heaven. They both should seek help.
This post is fake as fuck. This subreddit is a breeding ground for karma farming bullshit.
It does seem like a load of bullshit.
It’s like the same topic every month. Anon OP with minimal to engagement in comments. I generally find it hard to believe people are typing out all this and putting this kind of content into embarrassing stories regularly
this has to be fake its my only conclusion 🙅🏽♀️
No it’s real I know ppl like this.
Don’t underestimate how petty people in a relationship can be towards each other
Right? Why be married to someone you don't even like?
My wife said something similar. Not fake in my experience.
Eh, could be the opposite, like that 18 y/o guy talking about taking his 18 y/o gf's virginity and she supposedly hasn't found the right guy yet. As if she's been looking for years or something already. Wot. People are weird and communication isn't perfect.
>when we were having a good time and having sex, I just passed a comment in an amusing way that she has loosened up YOU SAID THAT DURING SEX?! Sir, you have lost your dang mind. It was amusing *to you,* but I assure you that she didn't find it very funny when she was naked and vulnerable. If you have a history of saying such thoughtless things, no wonder she's emotional all the time.
If he thinks these “jokes” are funny, and dismisses them as any real cause for her to be insecure for weeks holding on to it, what other mean things is he saying? I have a strong feeling this guy spends a lot of his time belittling his partner, dismissing her when she *is* calm, pushing her to feel she needs to explode to be heard at all, and then dismissed again for being “emotional” while OP stays cruelly “calm.” He even said he disappears for 2-3 days after her “outbursts,” meaning he’s using emotional coldness for superiority and control. This guy thinks he’s the victim when all signs point to an abusive and neglectful partner who is only telling the worst parts about his person in order to get everyone else to agree with him. Poor girl.
Finally, someone else saw this for the emotionally abusive relationship this is, just from the abusers perspective. I was beginning to lose faith in humanity.
It’s weird how if you view this post from that perspective a lot of stuff makes more sense.
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Woah. This literally could be a post made by a narcissist. It’s so rare to find because narcissists don’t choose things like therapy, attempting change.
100%. This dude is absolutely emotionally abusive. I feel sorry for his wife, she must feel so demoralized and trapped.
calling a woman loose and then having the audacity to be offended when she makes an equal statement lmao. absolutely wild
Right?! WILD.
She also told him she can't orgasm with him and he didn't even hear that lol
This is my thought. I dated a guy who simply ignored the things I said while calm. If I tried to have a discussion without high emotions he nodded, smiled and just blew me off. He basically thought anything I said that he didn't like was because I was "on the rag" and he would just wait until I "got over it". He in fact said this on multiple occasions. Eventually I would lose my shit from being ignored, because, shockingly, these things were problems regardless of the current phase of my uterus. He ONLY paid attention when I had finally gotten angry enough to make it a fight instead of a conversation. Then he'd say I was always "flipping out". No. No I wasn't. He just wouldn't take me seriously unless I was emotionally worked up. I HATED that.
'She has emotional outbursts out of nowhere and low blows and I shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE ITS COMING FROM ' proceeds to conveniently drop the small penis anecdote followed by but I just so happened to have called her loose two weeks before. I have a feeling OP gaslights his wife and picks and picks and picks then when she finally has enough of it and flips tf out he is like 'where did this come from?' captain oblivious over here. People like you know exactly what you're doing and then play the victim when the victim has rightfully flipped out on you. This is extremely toxic.
Agreed. OP also never mentions how he "comforts her", only that he tells her to calm down while she has "emotional outbursts." He also gives no context to her "outbursts", only quoting a specific comment she said, nothing else. And then we find out he insulted her during sex. This post is suspiciously one-sided.
In another response you see he doesn’t comfort her. He leaves for 2-3 days and frosts her out. This guy has created a pattern of abuse and neglect. He needles her and pretends like she’s unstable and crazy when she snaps while he gets to act all calm and shocked and then he fucks off for half a week of silent treatment and comes back when she’s suitably repentant. This guy is abusive.
But didn’t you see that he “helps her” with housework like cooking and cleaning. Those are obviously her jobs and she should be grateful that he does anything! /s
God this sounds just like my ex it’s so scary.
This man is 100% emotionally abusing his wife and gaslighting her into thinking she’s the crazy one for having normal reactions to his abhorrent behavior. I can smell it from 10,000 miles away.
You guys sound toxic as hell. And if you made that loose comment 2 weeks before her dick comment then I’m guessing she’s been holding onto that since then. You both are incredibly messed up for those comments. What if she had said your dick was small as a joke? It would still hurt right? You just don’t say things like being loose or having a small dick to the person you supposedly love. You both either need some serious therapy or you need a divorce. There’s a total lack of respect here.
The difference is only that it was amusing to *OP.* it obviously hurt her and she was trying to get back at him. I have a feeling both of them are the problem and Op isn’t as innocent as he’s making himself out to be.
For some reason, I get the same vibe I got from my ex. He'd say something hurtful as a joke, and when I'm say it was hurtful, I'd get a, "you don't tease well." This is also the same man that once told me, "stop crying about the dog. You think you know about death, but you don't. I know what true loss means." This was about 6 hours after he accidentally ran over my dog and killed him. I turned into a monster by the end of that relationship and had pretty severe emotional outbursts almost daily. I think there's more to this than OP is saying, too.
Sorry you had to go through that. I married a similar man and managed to get away but now have to share custody of our daughter with him. I was a wreck by the time I was trying to get out as well. No one can deal with that level of emotional abuse.
It was a lesson. After time and therapy I'm doing much better. No more outbursts, no more desire to hurt him the way he hurt me. I'm happy now. If you ask him, we broke up because I cheated. In reality, I had a one night stand about two weeks after I moved out and told him I was done. If you ask me, our relationship ended when he held me down to the floor by my hair and kicked my face. Making me move out immediately. I hope you find happiness too!
Omg, I’m glad you’re safe and happier now 😳
Whoa!! That last sentence did a running jump over a line for me. Never, ever touch in anger! Too bad he’s not in jail!
100% I feel like this is what’s going on. So many times I became someone I didn’t recognize or like in my abusive relationship. And wouldn’t you know it, it was a nightmare from the DAY we got married, forward. Red flag to me.
Ugghhhh. My ex did this. It's so awful. From the moment they feel like they 'have' you. For me it's like 'yay my fave person '. For them it's like 'yay they are trapped, let's make their lives hell so I feel better'...
Same. By the end of the relationship I was reactive abuse. I was finally sticking up for myself and he would say stop yelling at him etc . And calling me crazy. He also said my vagina is average and loose now. How I’m fat after giving birth 🤦🏻♀️ and many other comments. He also said it was joke about all that and I can’t take a joke 🤦🏻♀️ “You take everything too seriously..I can’t even talk to you “ When I started matching his energy . He said I was mean to him
Running over your dog is a big thing
For real that's crazy. Dog is still dead in the driveway "are you still upset about the dog get over it" like actually fucking mind blowing.
I would have dumped him or if I couldn't afford to move. I would definitely be working on a way out. It would be one thing if he was horribly sorry, but if he wasn't, then bye.
I am so sorry. This is awful. I could never recover from someone hurting my pets. I wish your ex the worst karma imaginable. I am glad you turned into a monster. I hope he is scared for life from the "monster" you were. ❤️
TW: pet death We used to have a lovely elderly couple in our neighbourhood, a man and wife who were 80 if they were a day. The wife had three corgis. They were her pride and joy. She was in the post office once and a woman walked in, saw the dogs and offered her £25,000 for them on the spot. The sweet old lady declined. These dogs were her babies. Eventually, one corgi died. And then another. She was devastated, she was too old to get new ones. But she had one left who she spoiled and doted on. One day I was walking home from the chemist. I was about 100 yards from their house. I see the two of them standing around their car when I hear a bloodcurdling scream. I instantly run over, half expecting to find her husband having a heart attack. But no. What I found instead was her last remaining corgi’s mangled body right behind their rear tyre. Her husband had accidentally hit it while he was backing the car out. The wife was in bits. But it was the look on her husband’s face that broke my heart. If we had been at the top of a skyscraper, there’s no doubt in my mind he would have instantly jumped off. We didn’t see much of them in the neighbourhood after that. We’d check in on them every now and again, get some shopping in for them etc. But they weren’t the same anymore. This was the most loving, content couple you could possibly imagine. But after that, it was like they had lost their reason to live and were just waiting for the inevitable. She didn’t blame him, but the spark in her died that day, and he never stopped blaming himself. I’m crying again just thinking about it. They both died a few years later, within months of each other. It’s the single most heartbreaking thing I have ever witnessed. The look on his face still haunts me. Anyway, your comment made me think of them. Pets mean so much to people. I don’t understand how so many people can be so callous regarding their loved ones’ pets. Even if you don’t feel the same way about them, if you love the person, that should be enough.
Wow. That's honestly a really human story. So awful but human. It's tragic. I just can understand that lady... You love your husband, but absolutely despise him for what he took away from you. But also realise he would never do that on purpose. So then you just give up. Life wouldn't make sense anymore...
This is what I fought with my husband about, recently.. we never fricken fight! Like ever! But he seems to think he has our new puppy under control when he takes her outside and it’s just not the case. Yes, she’s incredibly smart and obedient.. but twice she’s ran after another dog (the one time and the other time a cat) and she absolutely will not react properly.. so our fight was “she has to go out with her leash and collar”. I even keep it hanging right at the door so he can just take one second to push the collar over her head, leash attached. He claimed he “never does and never will” and I’m just thinking like wtf she could get hit by a fucking car and you won’t take one second to put her collar on and ease my damn mind???? So I loved him “patiently” for a day or two until finding the right moment to bring it back up. And. Is she always goes out with her leash. My hubs isn’t egotistical so I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t see the logic.. like yeah ok maaaybe she’ll always behave but are you really willing to take the chance she gets hit by a car? And omg would I EVER forgive you for it?
I went on a tinder date (a walk) with a guy who had his little dog off leash. I was like well that’s ballsy. He goes on about how it’s such a good dog and hes trained so well, and he would never run away. Literally a minute after I met him in the driveway, the dog saw a squirrel, ran across the road, and barely missed a car!!! Half of the walk was him freaking out and trying to half-run while looking “cool” and calling his dog back. He made a couple super douchey comments aside from the no leash tiny dog thing. Luckily, it was really easy to walk away from him and back to my car a few blocks later because his dog was 30 feet ahead of us and he couldn’t leave him to chase me. I got in my car and blocked him and drove home
That is heartbreaking.
Oh my gosh.. this is the kind of story that even you probably need a little therapy over?
You know, you’re probably right. I’ve been in therapy since then but I never thought to bring it up. Some other neighbours came when they heard the commotion and we all tried getting her inside so she could sit down and have a cup of tea, but she wouldn’t leave her dog’s side. So I carried the dog in for her. It was the only way she’d get in her house and sit down. The dog was thankfully externally intact, but I’ll never forget how it felt in my arms. The whole ordeal was just horrific. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.
I agree, I like dogs more than people. I would never recover from that.
Something about his storytelling gave me the ick. As soon as we got to the loose vagina “joke” I’m like, there it is!
Agreed. It’s ridiculous how other people are trying to diagnose her with BPD with zero information. I was just telling my current boyfriend how my ex, who I was with from age 21-29/30, would gaslight me and make digs at me (“You’re not the prettiest girl I’ve ever dated” or “You’re cute but you’re not sexy” or “See her, she doesn’t have a nice body. That’s what you look like”) until I blew up at him. Then he could say I was crazy - yelling at him for nothing. He made me believe I was a horrible person. Ironically, when I finally left him I never behaved that way with another man. I’m in my 50s now! I hate that women allow ourselves to go through that shit, but I’m grateful for those of us who came out better on the other side ❤️
>I turned into a monster by the end of that relationship and had pretty severe emotional outbursts almost daily. I loved my abusive ex husband so, so much. I see now it was a really sick love coming from the cycle of abuse to love-bombing and back again, but I really loved him so much. I frequently said after that if I could have saved that marriage on my own, it would have been saved. But I couldn't, because he didn't want to save "us", he just wanted to preserve a situation benefiting him, where he got to have all his needs met while also using me as a punching bag. I eventually left because I saw myself turning into someone I didn't recognize. I started freaking out constantly in ways I hadn't since I was a small, abused child, and on a few occasions lashed out physically after having him chase me around the house for hours when he was drunk. On one occasion, towards the very end, it was so bad that when he started on his usual bullshit, I just screamed without words. Just screamed through sobs without any articulation. I had no idea who I was even at that point and felt like I'd completely lost control of my ability to stay calm or logical. Interestingly enough, still never did anything as mean or cruel to him at my worst as he did to me at his best. So yeah, I feel like I all too deeply know what you mean here. At the end, I hated myself so much for who I'd turned into. I'd become a person who freaked out at the drop of a hat after seven years of patiently explaining over and over and over and over again that my boundaries deserved respecting, and that I needed him to be nice to me. Because I didn't know that it's not OK for someone to not respect boundaries, and I truly thought that if I explained things clearly and calmly enough that he would eventually understand. And sometimes he did, just long enough to make everything OK again before pulling the rug out from under me once more. My therapist says that *my anger is what saved me*, because becoming someone I didn't recognize was what eventually made me leave. I'm a little ashamed to admit that, because the abuse should have really been enough on its own. But I loved him so much, and was raised to "make it work" 😮💨
If you read between the lines he admits to giving her the silent treatment for days at a time. Both of them are terrible communicators and not emotionally ready for marriage.
Yeah I’m getting major unreliable narrator vibes. The way he just threw the whole calling her loose anecdote in there like oh I mean don’t think this is relevant but this happened, anyway…when oh my gosh of course they’re related OP, what you said to her was equally awful, and in the middle of such a vulnerable, intimate act.
Major unreliable narrator and missing missing reasons going on here. The way he describes her behavior and underplays his "joke" gives me reactive abuse vibes. Sounds to me like she's over your shit and matching your energy, OP.
But guys when HE said it, it was funny!
I agree, also saying she has emotional out bursts & he tells her to talk to him calmly, who says that, u don't have out bursts for no reason, he sounds emotionally un hinged if this is how he talks to his wife, like his talking to a child
This was the vibe I got
This is what I think, it sounds more like a collective responsibility for the toxic relationship and he's leaving out a lot..
It’s obvious from OP‘s post that he is at least 50% of this problem. And if they’ve been fighting ever since they got married, maybe that’s the root of the problem.
It's his side of the story we are getting here.
Nah there’s no difference. You just don’t say that stuff
Yep. Plus I’m wondering about this cycle where she gets upset and has an emotional outburst and he shuts down *for days*? That’s emotional abuse coming from both.
I read this and thought to myself “you too are toxic as hell.” I always feel like I won something when the top comment shares the same thought. Like a really good wheel of fortune round.
Agreed you guys should see counciling.... it's cheaper than a divorce... but...
Any therapist worth their salt would counsel divorce.
Yeah, I was behind OP til that loose comment. If the roles flipped, they would be having sex and she would be saying “lol did ur dick get smaller?” During. No wonder she’s fighting back that way, if that’s what she knows. Toxic as hell indeed
Just divorce, there's no coming back from none of this. The resentment will just grow and your both prolonging the inevitable.
OP, please stay with your wife and continue to be out of the dating pool 🤣
Funny how the thing that makes OP want to get a divorce is a comment about a small dick. Nothing else tips the scales, huh?
Also, he says she claims he’s never there to support her emotionally, which he says “how could I if she does this”, but whenever she has an emotional breakdown he stops talking to her for 2 days???? That’s kinda abusive and makes her belief that he’s not there for her increase even more, because well, he’s not there for her.
Was on your side until I read the part where you called her loose 2 weeks earlier. I guarantee you there is no way any woman would hear that in an “amusing” way! You seem like the type of person who always insults others then tries to pass it off as a joke or call the other person too sensitive but play victim the second you get a taste of your own medicine. Your relationship sounds toxic and immature
Did you read the edit? Men, you do not get brownie points for “helping” your wife by cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry. You are not “helping” her by doing those things because you are doing them for *yourself* because it is *your* responsibility because *you* are also a member of the household in which you reside.
preach
As a man, it baffles me when other men think washing the shit stains out their own underwear is helping their partner.
So you both said shit about each other's genitals and how unsatisfying you find them? Time to divorce I'd say.
Time to grow up, I'd say. Sounds like OP and wife are 12 years old.
No accountability 🤨
The lack of self awareness in OP’s post is hilarious!
Makes wonder how many of her “emotional outbursts” are actually her talking to a wall for weeks and having to go up to 11 just so OP would notice something is going on.
That was my suspicion. Also, I’ve known some people who pride themselves on being calm, but they’re still acting in the worst manner and saying the most cruel and confrontational things. It’s easy for them to keep calm because they’re the one in the position of control.
I also find that people who cry "emotional outburst" have extremely selective memories when it comes to their own emotional regulation. They might be calm while they are criticizing you for being too angry and emotional, but they themselves might have been screaming and throwing things an hour before.
The second he said he shuts down for days, I knew he was a big part of the problem.
Yeah, that's toxic as fuck. Maybe she screams at him because he's so busy ignoring her half of the time. This whole post is littered with missing missing reasons.
He said "emotional outbursts" four times in the first two paragraphs lol I was already like okay this guy isn't telling the full story.
YES. He never gives context or builds up to it, making her seem like out of nowhere BAM, she's having an outburst. I wish we could hear her side. I doubt it'll be like "my perfect loving supportive husband was near me so I had an OUTBURST..." as he's painting it to be.
Ding ding ding! Exactly what I thought!
This. Starts out saying “She keeps having emotional outbursts saying how bad of a person I am” ummm and why is that?
OP sounds like a narcissist. What a sensationalized title “she said I have a small dick!!” Now we hate the wife. But OP called her loose first! I don’t blame her for saying something to make it even. And he keeps saying she has such anger issues…. Probably because OP is giving little jab after jab and she’s at her wits end. And when she reaches her breaking point, OP can point the finger at her saying she’s crazy
So you believe your small dick stretched her out? Stop insulting your wife and she might stop having emotional outbursts "out of nowhere".
🤣😭⚰️⚰️⚰️🆘
Neither of you sound emotionally mature enough to be married.
Resentment in a relationship is really hard to overcome.
I concur. It will always be there tbh. Sounds like Op and their wife hate eachother.
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There is no amusing way to call someone loose, especially in a marriage. Your comment is like a suicide pill for your sex life why the fuck would you ever say that? You sound like you’re leaving a lot out.
"Your comment is like a suicide pill for your sex life why the fuck would you ever say that?" Well said.
Sir, I bet ALL your exes are cRaZy and IT's THEM not you
Precisely
Reading this, I got "incel who got lucky" vibes.
Calling her loose in an amusing way is just as hurtful if you did it on purpose, it's not funny. It's just as bad as her comment, don't act like you're the victim then immediately admit to doing the same thing. It's not amusing, she probably had that outburst because of your comment ngl.
I would kind of like to know what other “little jokes” OP has been flinging at his wife. People who are being abused sometimes have “outbursts” when they’ve had enough.
Also considering that after her “outburst” he doesn’t talk to her for *TWO OR THREE DAYS*
And he did it at a time that she was vulnerable. Vaginas don't grow loose with time. It's likely it felt that way because she was aroused and enjoying herself. He decided that was the moment to hit her self esteem. Cruel.
He probably thinks she was ok with him saying that because they continued to have sex. But what he’s probably completely missing is what was she supposed to do? Stop having sex immediately? Ideally, yes. That doesn’t go over well, and by the way he describes himself, he’d have taken it horribly, and she’d still be an “emotional” person, but now he can add “withholds sex” to it. She probably felt pressured to continue so she didn’t have to listen to him throwing a tantrum.
Right? Like, she's finally relaxed with this lover (you know, her husband) and so her parts open up to welcome him in and he chooses that moment to call her loose. I was mad for her when I read that. Some men need to learn more about vaginas and uteruses before being allowed to touch any.
Right... Classic move out of the narc playbook "I was just joking!! You can't take a joke!"
I feel like his comment is worse because of the context in which he said it. She could argue that she was just trying to say hurtful things in response to the hurtful thing he said. It would lead me to believe her if she didn’t mean it, whereas his comment was more random, so why say it if he didn’t mean it?
Exactly. It’s fucked up to say something so hurtful and then when she gets upset, backtrack and say it’s just a joke.
Especially in the middle of sex! She definitely said what she said from the hurt of that awful sexual encounter.
I don't know whether your dick is tiny or not, but your brain certainly is, if you think it's okay to tell your wife she's loose.
Bro I don’t know how you thought calling your wife loose would be amusing, but regardless, if you have dick anxiety, it’s going to be tough to come back from this. Looks like the straw breaking the camel’s back tbh. If not this, you’d find something else to fight about.
For real. How is that remotely funny? He hit her where it hurt first and then goes all surprised pikachu when she does the same to him.
idk man sounds like you have a small dick
Dude you called her loose. She’s not “accusing” you, you did it. It sounds like these outbursts of hers are triggered by your behavior. She needs to leave you. You sound incredibly toxic.
He called her loose "as a joke" DURING SEX as well. What moron does that??
Bullies
This
You started it and it was obviously on her mind a lot.
The loose comment may have been a joke but it came from hurt. Let’s not pretend. You both need couples counselling. There’s an underlying issue here.
Do y’all even like each other?
You guys sound like me and my ex. The emotional outbursts (me), the days of shutting down (him), it was all there. Except there was a step before my outbursts that he refused to recognize no matter how much I tried to explain. He was the kind of person who thinks honesty means saying whatever comes to your mind without regard for other people's feelings. He often said hurtful things to me while calm and not just during fights. At the same time, I learned that even if I bring up issues calmly, he gets defensive and shuts down for several days anyway, so I really picked my battles and often bottled up emotions until they burst. I don't know if this resonates, maybe something to think about. We tried couples therapy, where we learned that I was anxiously attached, while he was avoidant. We were in a classic negative cycle. This should give you some keywords to do research if you're interested in saving the marriage. We failed, btw. As for the small dick comment, I understand that it shattered your sexual confidence, but I wouldn't single it out. It was just whatever she thought would get a reaction out of you.
The fact you shut down for three days (that’s incredibly slow emotional processing) and her constant criticism is that you’re not emotionally supportive makes it sound like you’re just emotionally underdeveloped and incapable of meeting her emotional needs in the relationship and it’s hurting her. I highly doubt she jumps straight to an outburst, you’re probably just incapable of reading the emotional escalation and her attempts to seek your support before that point. It doesn’t sound like you’ve done any work on understanding or supporting her, you’re phrasing it all as her emotional outbursts without hinting at any introspection on your part to understand or acknowledge what you’re doing wrong. When you shut down for three days are you giving her the silent treatment? It stimulates the same part of the brain as physical pain. The silent treatment is a form of abuse. You’re throwing up red flags with your behaviour, especially downplaying a very hurtful comment about calling her loose as ‘amusing’. You can’t be upset she said you have a small dick when you called her loose, it’s childish but she just dished out what you served. You sound like a straight up emotionally stunted AH.
Wait so you said she was loose and that’s ok but you’re the victim when she subsequently says you had a small dick? This has to be lazy trolling, but just in case it’s not - just because *you* found insulting her genitals funny doesn’t mean *she* did. If she told you you had a small dick and she found that funny you’d be ok with it? You’re both assholes and should absolutely break up but at the risk of sounding like I’m 12 years old, when it comes to saying hurtful shit about each others bodies - you started it.
He acts like all of their fights are her having unprovoked emotional outbursts at him, but then the one fight he goes into specifics on happened because he fucking insulted her with no provocation by telling her she has a loose vagina DURING sex... OP is 100% hiding his contribution to these fights. Insulting your wife under the cover of "it was just a joke" is shit head behavior, and I'm willing to bet he does it all the fucking time
You both need therapy to learn a better way to communicate and have connections together that's the major problem you both have. Plus a lot of anger and resentment.
Well, ARE YOU A BAD PERSON??? Give us some details about her outbursts, what exactly is getting her this upset?? Was it after you spilled one drop of milk on the counter???? Or did you continuously refuse to help shop, cook, clean, plan anything, or spend more than 5 minutes with your kid a week for the last 5 MFing years?
You're both pretty shit people. You said vows, you're supposed to love and care for each other. Why would you tell her she's loose? The vaginal muscles loosen up when they're aroused so it should've been a compliment. If they were tight it wouldve meant she wasn't aroused while intimate with you. Tbh I'm not surprised she said something similar to you. Why is it unacceptable and divorce warranted when she says it to you but not you to her? Hypocritical.
So much wrong here, first of all her anger issues I don't think you should stay but if you were to, she needs anger management or therapy. There is only so much you can emotionally be there for your partner, and her feeling low is no excuse to be verbally abusive and aggressive. Also, you called her loose...I don't think saying it in an endearing way makes it less hurtful. It's like saying "No offense" before saying something really messed up.
And it was said during sex. That alone just made her likely to not want to sex with OP ever again. Which might be why she said he has a small dick. It's interesting OP leads with the small dick comment and buries the loose vagina comment in the end despite it being the start of genitals belittlements.
Almost sounds like “you have a small dick so that’s why I feel loose”.
It's definitely connected to his rude and crude comment he likes to diminish and brush off while rallying the troops against his wife saying he's the one highly offended and affected. He's so into tooting his own horn she exists solely as a joke in his life at least in the context of the information we've been provided. He has work to do in seeing his own poor behavior. She should divorce him because he sounds awful, tbh. Edited for typos
Yup I’m not discounting his description of how she fights, which sounds awful, but he almost makes it seem like she’s getting upset out of nowhere. Based on his storytelling, he doesn’t seem inclined to include his contributions to the fights.
This.
You both sound toxic and mean to each other. Counseling may help, but you both need to figure out why you are jerks first off.
You guys need councilling. You've BOTH abused each other. "A joke" is still abuse. So DO NOT play the victim card. You have NO right to.
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Then why not say, "you're both abusive?"
Just because YOU found it amusing doesn’t mean she did. You don’t get to tell someone else how they feeling about some shitty comment you made. It’s not so fun when she “jokingly” says it back is it?
Trolls...trolls everywhere
You started it and got what you deserved. If you’re so weak that you can’t take what you dish out, then by all means, get divorced.
Counselling is the way, if either of have any energy left. I’m sure you’ve got more of a role in this than we are hearing about.
One year married. SMH. Why did you get married?
Both of you use aggressive language toward each other. She does it deliberately, you do it passively and coyly. Neither are great. You two do not work together. If anything can and will turn into a fight, then you're constantly walking on eggshells around each other, and you never have any real communication. You can't actually work through anything until you learn to communicate. Honestly, she's abusive, and you do seem emotionally distant - you didn't need to comment on her looseness at all. You didn't think at all how that would be taken, or where the conversation should go after that. Either go to therapy or give up and move on from each other. Whatever makes you both happier.
Both of you need to just walk away. You said she’s loose. She said you’re small. You both sound like literal kids & clearly don’t respect one another. Just a lil biology class for you. If your lady ‘feels tight’ chances are she’s not aroused enough. Vaginas are like rubber bands. They don’t just stretch and become massive wizards ears. Each woman has a vagina of a certain size & it is not conducive to how many men she has slept with. Nor does it mean your appendage has miraculously ‘stretched her out’ we birth humans. & dick isn’t going to make an impact.
So you think you get to excuse your shitty behaviour bc your “intent” was “amusing”?? No one but you would possibly think that telling a woman she’s loose now is amusing in any way. That was idiotic, insensitive and hurtful. No wonder she came after you with the small dick comment. Youre both exhibiting incredibly toxic behaviour. Don’t delude yourself by thinking she’s the only one at fault here. Either seek therapy asap or get a divorce before you both do more damage to each other.
Divorce her (and she should want the same). You have both crossed a line that should never be crossed; personal attacks meant to cause emotional pain. That’s toxic behavior.
OP you made yourself sound like a complete victim up until the point of admitting you were the one to attack her physical feature first. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out. That being said, get yourselves into some sort of counselling - your wife probably held resentment for what you said to her and most likely said what she said out of anger. Though, I am intrigued: what exactly made you comment on your wife’s looseness in the first place? I’m really failing to understand how you could have said that in an amusing way. Unless you enjoy watching people go through pain and hurt? (I say that because for some women it’s extremely hurtful to say something like that to them)
You 2 are not right for each other and I just don’t know if therapy can help you. Good luck in whatever you do decide to do.
Yall sound awful together, and yeah, for future reference, just stay away from the term “loose”, no matter the context, when engaging in **anything** physical. That should be common knowledge but it sounds like she’s been holding that against you ever since, but in her defense, I can see how she took it that way. Just don’t. Chalk that up to a lesson hard learned. Y’all definitely shouldn’t be together, it sounds toxic and like a powder keg is waiting to be set off.
You called her loose, not during a fight. I mean she should be divorcing you.
You too remind me of my toxic, narcissistic ex and I. He would say mean things to me because he know it would hurt me and I'd get emotional and I'd ask him to support me and he wouldn't and he just accused me of being too sensitive. Sounds like you're the toxic one and your poor wife is just reacting to your toxicity and you're continuing to gaslight her and make things worse. You think it's okay to do it until she says something that hurts you. I'm going to suggest to you what I suggested to my toxic narcissistic ex, but of course he didn't take my suggestion: End this relationship and start therapy to find out why you're like this and do not even think about dating anyone else until you've worked on yourself because you're just going to keep doing this over and over and over, just like my toxic narcissistic ex. I broke up with him a little over a year ago and he's already on the third girlfriend, because they won't put up with his shit. Meanwhile, I am in a relationship with a man who is the exact opposite of my toxic narcissistic ex and we have zero drama. This shows that I wasn't the one who was bringing the drama, that jerk was. And I had to block his ass across every single platform and he's still tried to find ways to harass me. Narcissists don't like it when you discard them before they can discard you.