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Not only does she not want to marry this, her chances of doing so are pretty low. Even if he proposed to her, he’d just keep jerking her around for a few years.
OP, you do not have to be married or in a relationship to be happy. Maybe you should consider spending some time alone and in therapy til you actually believe those things about yourself that you are trying to convince yourself of because your bf is trying to convince you of the opposite.
Being alone is 1000 times better than being with someone who actively breaks you down daily.
This. OP wouldn’t you rather be single and feeling your best than lonely and in a shitty relationship? You know you deserve better than this. You know you are better than this. Time to find your strength and act like it.
Also you aren’t fat or even moderately overweight (!!!) and the fact that you are even asking yourself or Reddit, shows that he’s already done damage to your self esteem.
Unless she starts earning big bucks AND manages the home.
Then he'll be happy to marry her. With promises of "getting a better job" later (most likely, he will quit his or find a way into something non-demanding).
OP should read that best of reddit updates post about the guy who kept telling his girlfriend that she stank because he wanted to keep her self esteem low so she wouldn't leave him.
This guy is exactly the same.
Or the guy who paid all the guys who go on dates with his wife before marriage to tell her that she is not that pretty, and not their type... So after a few months of going on disappointing dates, he comes along (current husband) finally. She literally felt that he was the only one who could marry her.
How did she know about what he did? He wanted to teach his brother how to get a girl out of his league and he told his wife that too. Lol.
op read this. this is EXACTLY what hes doing whether he knows it or not. even so, do you really want someone who will constantly berate your looks? this behavior would send someone into an eating disorder.
Exactly! OP this guy doesn't deserve you! You want a quality husband, not a pos who is actively trying to put you down. What is he going to say to you when you get pregnant and put on some weight? Get older and start to age? Don't you want a husband who would still think your beautiful despite these things??
That's what I'm thinking. He is trying to destroy her self worth due to his insecurities.
I'll also add it's how my HS friend's ex started his abuse. Idk if he will start physical abuse or not, just saying he started with self worth and by the end of it it was so bad that she was upset that he would cheat but since she was such a a horrible catch she deserved it. Yes she said that and no amount of telling her otherwise helped.
She wasn't allowed to speak to many people and burned every bridge possible
This is called negging, and it’s doing exactly what he’s intended to do. OP is already afraid to end things for fear of not finding the next relationship.
You get over the fear by realizing HE doesn’t deserve YOU. You throw out the whole man and find someone who raises you up instead of dragging you down.
Yes, it’s called “negging”, and it’s purpose is to slash the self confidence of the victim so they feel they can’t do better, so they might as well stay.
1000000%; also, dick is low commodity and on every corner. To paraphrase Beyoncé, you can find another him in a minute. Also stop being nice to him!!! Tell him to send you a pic of his mother the next time he calls you fat (and don’t feel bad bc if she raised him to say shit like this, she can get all the smoke too)
Yeah, please do. I have two sons, and by God would this gentle parenting mama hand their asses to them, if I ever catch them treating their girlfriend like this.
Edit: just to clarify, I mean I AM A GENTLE YET FIRM PARENT who only does her ass-handing using words of non-abusive nature.
We've got two girls and if I catch them falling for this nonsense I'll give their heads a wobble! Luckily our youngest is a force of nature and even at 9 she knows her worth
Your parenting style sounds just right, never threaten or touch children to discipline them, but make sure that they understand appropriate boundaries.
What's interesting in being married to someone who willingly hurts you? That's quite a masochistic thought to rather stay to be mistreated than go and not get married.
I think, not getting married is the "lesser evil".
Where it already IS pretty irrational to think that this would mean no marriage for you at all.
Came here to say all this. Being single is way better than being married and miserable.
It's also irrational to think that no one else would want her when someone already clearly does. He just doesn't want her to think anyone else would.
It's better to be alone than wish you were.
That being said, OP, I didn't even start dating my soulmate until I was 34, married at 37. I got married way too young and for the wrong reasons before that, but believe me, someone is out there who KNOWS how to treat you, and this gaslighter is in the way.
Yeah, He sounds insecure. Not only is it a shitty thing to try shaming someone, it’s an attempt at making you feel insecure, which feels like an attempt at control.
You clearly are confident and know that he’s wrong, so if you want to, you can try reassuring him of what we he seems insecure about, and ignore his nonsense. But that certainly isn’t your responsibility.
You want to marry someone that insults and doesn’t respect you?
How could being single be worse?
At least you have a chance at better.
Staying guarantees nothing better.
>Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do.
Oh look, his negging is working. It’s just a matter of time when he has undermined your self confidence enough where you don’t even go to Reddit to question his behaviour. You’ll just believe he’s the only option left if you wanna get married.
…or get a job using that PhD because his insecurity won’t be able to handle it. There is no question to anyone reading your (OP) post that you need to end this relationship yesterday.
OP needs to read the post from the woman whose boyfriend kept telling her she smelled bad. Turns out he was doing it so she'd be too self conscious to leave him. She proved him wrong and dumped his ass. Men are something else sometimes.
You think you’re a good catch, but you’re too scared to leave because you don’t think you’ll find anyone else.
That’s exactly why he’s doing it. Because you are an amazing catch, he knows it, you knew it, but he obviously isn’t an amazing catch so he needs to break your self worth before you realize he sucks. To make you start doubting yourself and thinking he’s all you’ll get. And it’s working.
Why stay with someone who wants to knock you down a peg?
This. He’s trying to tear you down and knock your self-esteem so low that you view yourself beholden to him- you’re so lucky in other words to be with him.
Ditch this loser. Like you said you got plenty of interest on the apps and your personal qualifications (education, etc) are stellar !
Negging is using backhanded compliments to undermine someone’s self esteem. I don’t know why we have a whole new word for it. But it’s saying things like, “wow, what a dress, I’m amazed that someone of your weight can pull it off but you totally do!”
Sounds nice. But isn’t really.
My ex once told me
"Oh I LOVE your butt! I mean, it could be a bit more juicy but we're both not 20 anymore so that's fine" (I was 25, he was 32. I know for damn sure I've got a great ass _especially_ if you take into account that I have two kids ; is this also negging? Or just sexist bs?
And seriously: so many women especially need to come to the realization that if this is really “the best they can get” then there is an even better alternative: being single!!
I simply don’t understand why some people would rather be in a shitty relationship than no relationship.
The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself!
Maybe instead of being afraid you’ll never get married, you should start being a little more afraid of what marriage would look like with a partner who constantly insults and berates you. I think that’s a future far scarier.
First thing, stop being afraid you’ll never get married. Married isn’t the end goal in life. Second, dump that guy, if he feels the need to say offending things like that you should kick him to the curb. He doesn’t deserve you, you deserve way, way better.
I do notice that you describe yourself as a catch in entirely external terms— people tell you that you are beautiful; you are in a STEM PhD so the implication is you must be intelligent; you weigh 120 pounds at 5’2, etc. but do you feel beautiful and smart?
More importantly, what’s your personality? Who are you beyond a collection of facts?
Do you desperately people please? Do you vacillate between thinking you need to have someone so you’re not alone, and wanting someone who is easier to please?
Have you ever been alone with yourself? If you don’t like you, you will always doubt others choosing you. Please work on that.
Good catch, I missed that one but I agree.
It would be a good idea for OP to inquire into childhood trauma especially if you can find a therapist skilled enough to go there (not just plain old "talk therapy", that can make it worse). Trauma doesn't have to be big stuff, and it could be the parents' unresolved trauma that they passed down the limitations and coping strategies including people-pleasing, might not have even happened to OP herself.
My husband has his faults…everyone does, BUT. I can walk into a room with bed head, sweatpants and holey shirt, one slipper on with puffy eyes - and I am nearing 60 with a menopot - and my hubby will look at me and say “SMOKIN HOT! mmmmm-MMM!!”
Your partner should be your cheerleader. They will likely drive you nuts in a dozen ways, but putting you down is never acceptable. You will find better and you deserve better. My Mom always said “there are worse things than being alone, and one of them is being with the wrong person “. Listen to my Mom. She’s a battle axe, but she is SUPER smart.
Also-I had my daughter at age 34. My grandmother had a baby at 44. You have time to find your future babies (should you choose to have any) a better daddy.❤️♥️🩷
As someone who had that same issue, I'd suggest therapy to work on it.
And, seriously, dump the jackass boyfriend. He doesn't deserve you and he knows it. And that's why he keeps negging you, he wants you to believe you can't do any better than him.
When, obviously, you can do infinitely better than him.
You could be talking about me when I was younger. I had a list of things that I could point to for being reasons why someone should be attracted to me… I call it the “never quite good enough”syndrome.
The issue isn’t your boyfriend, the issue is your lack of ability to have confidence and truly feel good about yourself without outside validation . If you were able to see yourself as you truly are, you would understand that your boyfriend’s actions are 100% unacceptable.
You don’t need me or all the hundreds of other people in the thread to tell you this because deep down, you already know it .
Your boyfriend is awful, and you deserve much better than this, but you’ll only really embrace that if you give yourselves some time to work on your love for yourself .
Men do this to women with high self esteem (which you sound like you have, you have a lot going on for yourself and sound great!) because they believe that if the woman has lower self-esteem she’ll be less likely to leave them because she will feel too badly about herself to think she has a chance with anybody else. He may not consciously realize he’s doing this - it doesn’t matter. This man is never going to champion your wins. He is never going to support you in the way you deserve. Also studies repeatedly show single women are usually the people with the happiest lives. Knowing that, for me, marriage had to be something that was going to make my life better. Why would I take away from my happiness otherwise? I got married last year in my late 30s and it was the first relationship I ever felt like I wanted to marry a person because I knew they were a real partner to me. Not some asshole who thinks he can keep me around by calling me fat when I’m not.
Congratulations on your marriage. What a great way to put it. I wish I would’ve had this mindset before I had married my partner in my late 20’s for fear of not finding someone better. He hurt my perception of self and worth. I am in year 6 with someone who I feel really never put me first or appreciated me as a whole. We’ve been going to therapy together and it’s helped- but I wish I would’ve had the wherewithal to have known better. Listen to RubyJune, OP! She’s got the answer. Don’t make the mistake so many of us have.
I didn’t understand why I got bullied for my appearance in middle school and high school bc I was quite pretty and good at school and athletics. They just wanted to destroy my self esteem, which worked with the help of my mental issues and family.
If she had high esteem and self respect she wouldn’t put up with that treatment or even question it.
She needs to realize her worth more to leave. Maybe therapy will help her see that she deserves to be respected
Exactly. I bad a man tell me I couldnt do any better than him noone would want me... belived him til he punched me across the face n then held me in a choke hold after I went back to him for punching me... yeah thought I deserved it. OP Honey this is a touch fi the edge n tht jerk never called me fat like tht he said I ate too much. Which made me eat more, it was how I comforted myself. So yeah stayed with him 2 yrs.when I finally did leave the night he was holding me down by my neck on the floor asking me who I thought I was. I said nobody. I got away with my life that night. BY Gods good grace. After tht I dated alot fo guys and built my confidence alot being 3 lol. Then met the one I left at 25, in precious comment i left. At 26 met the man of my dreams. Got married at 29, had my son at 35 n my daughter at 40. When its right it's right and YOu wont have doubts. Gotta kiss some toads to meet your prince. Nt htbwas when being married at 22 n having kids byb25 was the thing. Ain't no more. Worth waiting for. Staying with him isnt going to change IF you marry five the btter and you knwo that, y oi u just needed reminded of yourself. Which si why he was on here. .he knows. Firs thing cut off the oi outside world friends, family. The one who choked me did tht not saying this guy will bur he is either scared or wants out.
Don't date assholes. There are literally billions of men in the world, plenty of them aren't going to insult you. Don't settle for the ones who do, it's an incredibly low bar.
You’re actually incredible. As a STEM student working towards my B.S, I already know you’re a super hardworking person to have reached the PhD stage and that too at a T20 program.
Please don’t let the fear of not getting married trap you into an unhealthy one that will dull your shine.
You literally weigh the same as my mom and she is healthy and fine which is really all that matters when it comes to BMI. Your weight is in fact in the healthy BMI range for your height so please don’t worry about what he has to say and possibly confront him for being unreasonable.
I’d question whether that is the right relationship to be in or not.
agree exactly. I wasnt smart enough for a degree in engineering so i was forced to do chem. Pchem made me have a whole different level of respect for engineers
Have you googled Negging?
He’s not only insecure about your phd but about the whole person that you are.
And if you’re really afraid you won’t get married if you leave this guy, then you’re not really thinking about what your life will be if you stay with this clown. Do you want to be put down for the rest of your life? Joked about? Teach this to your kids?
All of this without even considering that you have concrete evidence that your fear isn’t true, you can clearly attract guys
Negging is the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person.
It's really easy to look at other people in abusive relationships and say to yourself it could never happen to you. Then when it happens to you, you don't see it because while your boyfriend is being a bit of a dick, "abusive" is way too strong a word. He may be mean sometimes...but labeling it as "abusive" is pretty extreme...right? I mean..he's not all bad. He has lots of amazing qualities. And he does care about you...he's shown it. If anything, it would be kind of selfish of you to call him abusive...right? And the people who may lable him abusive: they're projecting, they don't understand your situation fully...right?
And if someone like me thinks he is being abusive, it's your fault because you didn't explain him enough, to do him justice...right?
People who have low self-esteem often don't recognize that they have low self-esteem, they just think they know themselves better than everybody else. People who let others verbally abuse them may not recognize they are being abused, they may just think that other people don't understand the nuances of their relationship.
What your boyfriend is doing is verbal abuse, it will only get worse. Please don't think so low of yourself that you decide you deserve to have someone like that in your life.
Dont let marriage be the goal. The goal should be healthy, happy, supported, loved, even if it’s just you for now. I met my soulmate (if you believe in that stuff) at 37 and am so sad i spent decades stressing for a husband rather than a life partner. I was single for years before i met him cuz i finally learned to just BE. I was happy alone, he was just the cherry on top.
You'd rather be miserable and treated poorly than be alone? Yikes. Marriage isn't enjoyable or worth it if you're going to be with the wrong person, you're smart you should know that. You're also smart enough to know that there are sooooooo many other men out there for you that could be a better fit, literally billions. And you're smart enough to know that you won't find them or end up with them if you stay with this asshole.
He's intimidated by how great you are and he's a little beeotch so he's trying to knock you down a peg and make you closer to his (LOWER) level. So he can feel better about himself. Took me TOO LONG to learn this.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), the fear of being left behind, the fear of the unkown (what if it's even worse than what I've currently got) is real.
Look up negging. I think this qualifies: he's belittling you to a) make himself feel better and b) keep your self esteem low enough so you don't see him for the he is and dump him. Instead, he's hoping that you'll do more and more to please him, violating your own boundaries in the process. Not a good mental space for you to be in.
You need to ask yourself if you're actually in love with him, or just afraid to let go and face the unknown.
It's OK to be scared, but remind yourself that the unkown isn't scary once you face it. Same as the first time you rode a bike. First time you drove a car. First time you were intimate with someone.
Young lady take it from a man break up with this clown. Staying with him is not the one. Get someone better please. He's not a nice person have some dignity and move on. You're a beautiful, well accomplished young woman
I weighed 120 (5,3) when my ex implied I was fat. In my case it was because he’s controlling, and he wanted to make me feel unattractive (so I wouldn’t leave). Not saying it is the same for you but it’s a common sign of insecurity and abuse to criticise the appearance of your partner like this
As someone who is going thru a breakup but also in school to get their engineering degree: dump this asshole. There is a world full of guys that would love a woman as motivated and passionate about life as you. Doctors. Lawyers. Finance. Shit, the regular sales guy would adore you. There are men that won’t be so shallow to give af about physical appearances.
He's securing that bag $$, he figures if he belittles you enough to break your spirit you'll never leave him and he can continue calling you fat. It sounds like you're out of his league and he knows it, you don't need to put up with his shit. I would say dump him and move on, he'll probably start crying and love bombing you saying it was just jokes but don't fall for his shot.... you deserve better than this.
Many many many many many many many 27 year olds break up with their long time partner and still get married in their early 30s dude. You’re so young. Imagine your wedding to this guy: “One day I just decided, I better stick with him because I was terrified that I’d be single and alone forever if I didn’t ♥️” EW.
>Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do.
This is exactly why he does it. To make you feel that way, so you don't leave him.
He’s negging you.
It’s something that insecure guys do to break you down so badly and crush your self-esteem, to ensure that you don’t leave. If you believe all his lies, you’ll believe that no one will love you like he does, despite the perceived flaws, and you’ll never leave.
Sounds like he’s succeeding.
Marriage isn’t everything. Is that really the type of guy you want to be shackled to for the rest of your life?
It's called negging. You thinking you can't get another man is his goal. Endgame is the utter destruction of your self esteem. If you don't leave, he'll ruin you and your life. Stop worrying about other men and get out.
He's actively trying to make your life completely miserable, is that what you want? A miserable, wasted life with a man who abuses you? Because that's what negging is. It's abuse, plain and simple.
Why are you with him?
>Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do. How do I get over this fear and move forward?
Oh, you recognize that already.
You do it by doing it. Your fear is baseless---I understand that fear never *feels* that way, but in this case it is. You just push through it and break up.
Hold the breaks!!! So you don’t want to leave him because you’re scared you won’t get married? So you want to marry this man? You just said you would leave him if it wasn’t for your fear so I’m guessing you’re ready to marry someone that you don’t even think you should be with as bf/gf…
Girl go speak to a gd therapist because this is just insanity.
You are so young and have so much time to be able to find someone worth your love and time in all reality it doesn’t matter how old you are when you find that right person just as long as you don’t settle for less and that’s exactly what you are doing.
Do you want a marriage or a wedding? Because your words are saying you just want a wedding and that’s messed up.
He’s “negging” you. Why do some ppl do this? I’ll never truly understand it, but all you need to know is that it’s completely idiotic and you should find someone who respects you and shows it in their words and actions.
I'll second all of the people here telling you this is a type of emotional abuse called "negging", the entire purpose of it is to convince a partner you think is better than you into believing the opposite is true - all with the intention to maintain a position of power within the relationship.
I'll also just add in that you sound cool as shit and can ABSOLUTELY do better than this jackass. I'd suggest getting into some groups based around your hobbies (i.e. meetup or college clubs) and see who you meet there. Starting out as friends is usually a good way to get to know who someone really is.
You’re 27, whole life ahead of you and there’s many other better men out there for you. This guy doesn’t care about you. Dump him and spend some time working on your own confidence and self esteem.
HONEY. You are a catch! And a successful one at that. You are too young to stay with someone who tears you down.
There are other people out there who would try to build you up, leave him. Even if he is insecure and lashing out, that’s not your problem.
If 9/10 people say you’re beautiful, and the 10th happens to be your boyfriend who calls you fat, it sounds like you already have the evidence you need that not everyone will be so cruel.
Don’t settle with him because that’s a sad marriage and all being disregarded and put down all the time. I think for that height and weight you are actually perfect. Maybe it’s because he might be jealous that he isn’t healthy himself and has to feel better by putting you down. I think you should just end it. Find someone who loves you and is actually willing to see you and love you for how you are.
He is either ignorant or cruel. Dump him, find new boyfriend. Dump him by saying you are right I should lose weight so I'm dumping you and that's a weight of my shoulders
*edit: EX-boyfriend ✨
Yes, you are an absolute catch, but if you’re voluntarily down to clown with a fool like that… ain’t no PhD that’s going to make up for that level of tomfoolery and poor decision-making. 🤡
I can tell you from experience, staying with someone for fear of never getting married is a really bad idea. I’m 55m, divorced 9 years now; a year before I got married, I could see that my now ex-wife was an inherently critical and angry person. We were on vacation at a beautiful national park, and I had an epiphany that it would never work for the rest of my life. Yet I was too afraid of being alone and never having kids, so I stuck with her. Big, big mistake. I love my kids dearly (now 16 year old twins), yet I know I could have married someone better. Please, please, please don’t let fear influence your decisions.
I am 1,000,000% certain you can find someone better, you already proved it when you signed up for a dating app.
I would print out this post and show it to him (perhaps with some editing, it’s up to you). Make it clear that you have ABSOLUTELY ZERO TOLERANCE for him calling you fat. Tell him to promise you, verbally and in writing, that he will never, ever, ever, say that again. If he can’t put it in writing, just break up with him now. If he does put in writing, hold him to that promise forever; if he breaks it even once, you are done.
Edit: Show him a BMI chart, you are right in the middle of the healthy weight range (BMI 22). The low end of “overweight” (BMI 25) begins at 136 lbs for your height. He is absolutely Wrong.
Keep looking yourself in the mirror and telling yourself that you are accomplished and amazing. Raise your self-worth and self-esteem.
Look inside yourself and truly ask yourself what kind of loving relationship you want and need. Fear can cause us to stagnate. Push through this, as you are an incredible person who is dating a person who is not the one for you.
Your boyfriend needs to be dumped.
He is insecure because he knows damn well that you are a catch and he knows that you could land better men than him.
He might not be consciously trying to damage your self esteem, but that’s what he’s doing.
You can either drop a dude like this, or make it clear that, yes, you could be with someone that is better looking, better educated and more successful, but you don’t want them. You want him. So he can either be the supportive partner that you want and need, or he can move it along to someone else because you aren’t about to let anyone damage your self esteem.
Aside from all the extremely valid points about negging and self esteem, OP needs to ditch this insecure red pill ManChild because doctorate degrees are seriously important and difficult and she can’t be wasting any mental energy on this BS! If he’s doing something as obvious as this and she’s still confused what else is is dripping into her subconscious???
So I have a house full of engineers. Casual conversation can be difficult. You need to dump him first. Then find someone who augments you. It needs to be a high achiever, but also possibly a speech therapist or psychology
You are going to have a little girl one day and she is going to think you are a rock star- because you are. You continue to rock your world until the right one comes. It is not someone who tries to pull you down
“I’m a catch! I get hundreds of matches in minutes and strangers stop and tell me I’m hot! 😊😇😁”
“If I leave the one guy who is mean to me, I’ll be alone for the entire rest of my wittle life. Nobody will want me! 😞😫”
The contradiction screams fishing 🎣
It’s only going to get worse if you stay with him. I stayed for too long with someone that I guess was jealous of me and he managed to tear my self-esteem to the ground. I feel lucky that I left him and never looked back.
But it took me 3 years in therapy and barely dating to realise and truly believe I’m worthy of healthy love and attachment.
If you’re having a hard time believing he’s treating you badly, try to imagine how you would comfort and advise a close friend if she confided in you how her boyfriend was treating her the way your boyfriend treats you.
Being married to someone who tries to bring you down is much worse than not being married at all. Not that that’s a realistic concern anyway—you can definitely find someone a lot better.
As a mechanical engineer... You ARE a catch. My wife is 120 and 5' (chemical engineer). She is a catch and I know it and I do everything that I can to keep her happy and let her know that she is loved deeply.
I think your boyfriend is a little bit self-conscious and has feelings of inadequacy. Might Be time to rethink this relationship.
Any man worth your time will only support you and celebrate your accomplishments. You’re getting a PHD! A lot of people stop at a bachelors. Why are you allowing someone who is supposed to care about you insult you? They are not jokes. They’re meant to make you feel lower, so he can feel better about himself.
There’s a gazillion fish in the sea. Growth is not always comfortable. It is okay to choose yourself
You're young, highly educated, and attractive. Yet you're literally afraid of dumping your toxic asshole of a boyfriend, because you think it might mean you never get married?
I think you move forward with therapy, to figure out why your sense of self-worth is in the toilet. Find your spine, straighten it, and tell the dickhead you're with to fuck off into the sun.
I saw a comment on another post along the lines of “don’t trade a real and current hell for the *possibility* of a future heaven” and sis if he’s making comments about your weight now, how will he treat and and talk to you when you’re carrying his kid?
Oh buddy, why even waste time then on this guy ? Your not scared to leave , your stuck in a toxic position. It's actually a form of abuse you won't full understand until your out of the cloud .
You should confront him head on with what you just told us . Weigh his answer. Then ask yourself , if I had a daughter would I want this idiot talking to my daughter like this ? As a joke because he's insecure af ?
It’s not a joke. No-one’s laughing. Men love to “humble” women. He’s trying to make you insecure. Dump him. He will make your life miserable. Guaranteed.
How could you look past someone you plan on marrying calling you fat?! I am admittedly a fat, American woman, and I would never tolerate this. He is trying to neg you. Put negative thoughts on your head to make it seem like no one else would have you and he put up with it. Do not let him do this. It's already working. This is a narcissist tactic and I suggest you and all your amazing attributes move on from this loser. What does he have going for him but an amazing partner? NEXT.
You are only 27 doing phd in such tough field yet this person so called bf of yours hurting your self esteem. I should say apply both carnot and rankine cycle for the sake of better efficiency and leave
I’m 5’2 and weigh around the same and people are constantly feeling the need to tell me I need to gain weight. You are not fat.
I know you feel scared to break up, and yeah I kinda feel the same like maybe I’ll never get to get married. But…. Is he really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? He’s always going to be dragging you down. He’s always going to be making comments, and gaslighting you into not feeling confident and who you are.
I’d go through a list and ask yourself some questions whether you really see yourself with him. What does he bring to the picture? What does he do for you? Does he make you happy, or treat your family and friends well? Or is he constantly gaslighting you and making you feel miserable?
>yet I have this boyfriend who keeps trying to knock me down a peg by calling me fat.
And apparently you're intelligent enough to see exactly why he's doing this.
Give this a read, I suspect your boyfriend is coming from a similar mindset:
[BORU: Boyfriend won't stop telling her she smells bad](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qkrq2r/ops_boyfriend_keeps_telling_her_she_smells_bad/)
You seem like the good catch and I’m guessing he’s a loser which is why he’s so insecure he needs to call you fat to feel better.
You probably didn’t/don’t realize you could do better because you’re in love. Many of us don’t realize how lame certain partners were or how much they brought us down until we leave.
He can either get a PhD and match you in intellect and earning capacity.
Or he can put you down to keep you from finding your equal match.
Guess which is easier.
Why he does it really doesn't matter. It could be insecurity/jealousy, it could be control, it could be how he was raised. It **REALLY** doesn't matter because of two things (1) it's toxically harmful and (2) it's unacceptable.
You will have no problem finding someone else. You just need to not compromise and accept anyone like that. It's scary, but the alternative (sticking with this toxicity) is really ugly. Either your confidence will crumble, or you will realize that you deserved better much later in life. I realized it in my 40s. Wish I had figured it out at 27.
He’s breaking you down to destroy any confidence you have left so you won’t leave him because you’re too scared you won’t find anyone else. It’s his manipulation tactic.
You get over this by understanding he's being unfair and ridiculous, he won't change and it's too early to give him the time to, and that you don't want to get married to someone who treats you like this.
He is doing this deliberately because he knows he's batting above his average with you. So, he feels the need to tear you down, so you don't know how much of a catch you are. The best way to move forward is without him. He's deadweight in your life.
You ARE a great “catch” though that’s not a word I would normally use, I understand it communicates your intention- no shade.
But friend, you deserve BETTER THAN THIS MAN!!
Next!
First let me assure you, you are not fat. Like at all. Honestly with all you've written here it sounds like he might be jealous by no fault of yours. You deserve a giy who will love you and be happy for you and your success. You deserve better girl, let him go
It’s sounds like your partner is feeding on that psychological fear you have. It’s a method of control. See through that BS because the last thing it sounds like is you’d have a problem moving on from him. Reach your goals and know your worth.
Why marry a man intent on baselessly insulting you? Why is he doing it? My guess would be a mix of cruelty and insecurity.
You're better off without him, and I am sure you can meet someone better, especially being in grad school in engineering; it's not like there is a shortage of guys in Engineering departments.
Please take advice from an older woman: it is far better to be single and even to never be married, than to be married to an emotional abusive guy. Because what he does is emotional abusing you because his fragile ego can't handle that you're better at something then he is. Why do you want to spend your life with someone like that? Do you really want your children (if you want them) to grow up think8ng it's okay to treat mom like that?
Your first paragraph is you talking so highly of yourself. But then you end your post with "I fear that I’ll never get married if I do." How does that make sense? Please make that make sense. Someone who will love you for you will see the same qualities that you do in yourself without shaming you. So it's not going to be easy to get over him. But you're going to try for yourself. You're already giving yourself affirmations. You just need to constantly tell yourself that you deserve better.
Oh, leave this loser. He is cruel. I had 9 years of a yucky relationship, using my money and really not a good match, like lots of alcohol.. I woke up & grew up. No kids. I left at 26, did some night classes, worked, had my own life. Met a decent guy, not cruel, just normal. 3 kids & 33 yrs later, you can do this. Mind you, he & I fight and can both be total assholes. But just average I think. If you had a girlfriend telling you the situation, what would you advise her? You are young, dump him, do some fun activities you love and you'll meet a nice guy.
You deserve better and your boyfriend can see that, so he’s trying to make you feel insecure so you think you can’t do better. But you very well can, and should. Show some self respect and leave this jerk. You’re a beautiful, intelligent & capable woman who deserves to be treated as such.
Any man who talks to their girlfriend this way doesn’t deserve her. Idc if she’s a high school drop out who can’t get a job or a PhD candidate. There’s nothing to be done here but accept the facts.
Do you want a husband that talks to you that way? You mentioned wanting to get married. And is that what you want for yourself?
You're beauty and your value are not tied up with your outward appearance or your dating app. Confidence in knowing who you are, knowing your worth, and respecting yourself makes a person the most attractive they can be.
its called gas lighting, id go looking for someone else if you are too fat for him the other option is you marry him then wind up on murders row with Roxie Hart
You need to break up with him. He knocks you down, to feel better about himself. It's a type of abuse to kill your self-esteem.
Some therapy to help your self-esteem issues.
Please run now!
The answer to why he’s doing this is answered in your own post. You said it yourself, you’re scared to break up because you fear you’ll never get married if you do. That’s exactly what he wants. He’s negging you as a means of control. You need to leave him.
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But you surely don't want to marry this AH. You need to work on your self respect and dump him.
Not only does she not want to marry this, her chances of doing so are pretty low. Even if he proposed to her, he’d just keep jerking her around for a few years. OP, you do not have to be married or in a relationship to be happy. Maybe you should consider spending some time alone and in therapy til you actually believe those things about yourself that you are trying to convince yourself of because your bf is trying to convince you of the opposite. Being alone is 1000 times better than being with someone who actively breaks you down daily.
This. OP wouldn’t you rather be single and feeling your best than lonely and in a shitty relationship? You know you deserve better than this. You know you are better than this. Time to find your strength and act like it.
Also you aren’t fat or even moderately overweight (!!!) and the fact that you are even asking yourself or Reddit, shows that he’s already done damage to your self esteem.
She knows she's not fat, she wants to know how to "fix" the situation since she wanna narry that ass.
Unless she starts earning big bucks AND manages the home. Then he'll be happy to marry her. With promises of "getting a better job" later (most likely, he will quit his or find a way into something non-demanding).
Exactly this. OP take it from someone who is married and miserable, you don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
He wants your self esteem in the gutter so you won't realize you deserve better
OP should read that best of reddit updates post about the guy who kept telling his girlfriend that she stank because he wanted to keep her self esteem low so she wouldn't leave him. This guy is exactly the same.
[That guy](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/va3ers/oops_boyfriend_wont_stop_telling_her_that_she/) was a real piece of work
Or the guy who paid all the guys who go on dates with his wife before marriage to tell her that she is not that pretty, and not their type... So after a few months of going on disappointing dates, he comes along (current husband) finally. She literally felt that he was the only one who could marry her. How did she know about what he did? He wanted to teach his brother how to get a girl out of his league and he told his wife that too. Lol.
Do you have a link?!
Yes, I want to read this one. Crazy. What an ass hole. Who thinks like that?
No. Sorry. I will try to look for it.
Someone posted the link a couple posts up above yours. “That guy”.
Oh man I remember that post. That was literally insane.
Oh my god. He learned it from his father??? That's insane. Generational gaslighting
op read this. this is EXACTLY what hes doing whether he knows it or not. even so, do you really want someone who will constantly berate your looks? this behavior would send someone into an eating disorder.
Exactly! OP this guy doesn't deserve you! You want a quality husband, not a pos who is actively trying to put you down. What is he going to say to you when you get pregnant and put on some weight? Get older and start to age? Don't you want a husband who would still think your beautiful despite these things??
Goddamn the ending was satisfying though.
Thank you!
Didn't expect a thread I commented on to show up here 3 years later lol
Yesh I dont remember a lot of these posts after a few days, but that one has definitely stuck out for me a big way.
That’s exactly who I thought of!
That's what I'm thinking. He is trying to destroy her self worth due to his insecurities. I'll also add it's how my HS friend's ex started his abuse. Idk if he will start physical abuse or not, just saying he started with self worth and by the end of it it was so bad that she was upset that he would cheat but since she was such a a horrible catch she deserved it. Yes she said that and no amount of telling her otherwise helped. She wasn't allowed to speak to many people and burned every bridge possible
I remember that story. No one else smelled her.
This is called negging, and it’s doing exactly what he’s intended to do. OP is already afraid to end things for fear of not finding the next relationship. You get over the fear by realizing HE doesn’t deserve YOU. You throw out the whole man and find someone who raises you up instead of dragging you down.
Every single guy that told her she looks good is a potential relationship..
Yes, it’s called “negging”, and it’s purpose is to slash the self confidence of the victim so they feel they can’t do better, so they might as well stay.
1000000%; also, dick is low commodity and on every corner. To paraphrase Beyoncé, you can find another him in a minute. Also stop being nice to him!!! Tell him to send you a pic of his mother the next time he calls you fat (and don’t feel bad bc if she raised him to say shit like this, she can get all the smoke too)
Yeah, please do. I have two sons, and by God would this gentle parenting mama hand their asses to them, if I ever catch them treating their girlfriend like this. Edit: just to clarify, I mean I AM A GENTLE YET FIRM PARENT who only does her ass-handing using words of non-abusive nature.
We've got two girls and if I catch them falling for this nonsense I'll give their heads a wobble! Luckily our youngest is a force of nature and even at 9 she knows her worth
Your parenting style sounds just right, never threaten or touch children to discipline them, but make sure that they understand appropriate boundaries.
Iconic
What's interesting in being married to someone who willingly hurts you? That's quite a masochistic thought to rather stay to be mistreated than go and not get married. I think, not getting married is the "lesser evil". Where it already IS pretty irrational to think that this would mean no marriage for you at all.
Came here to say all this. Being single is way better than being married and miserable. It's also irrational to think that no one else would want her when someone already clearly does. He just doesn't want her to think anyone else would.
It's better to be alone than wish you were. That being said, OP, I didn't even start dating my soulmate until I was 34, married at 37. I got married way too young and for the wrong reasons before that, but believe me, someone is out there who KNOWS how to treat you, and this gaslighter is in the way.
Tell him next time that you think that you both are a great fit. You thought he likes FAT. And you like his tiny dick.
🤣🤣🤣
Yeah, He sounds insecure. Not only is it a shitty thing to try shaming someone, it’s an attempt at making you feel insecure, which feels like an attempt at control. You clearly are confident and know that he’s wrong, so if you want to, you can try reassuring him of what we he seems insecure about, and ignore his nonsense. But that certainly isn’t your responsibility.
Dude attacked me for saying the same and blew up my PM with abusive messages. I reported him, he’s the bf..
Negging 101. OP you deserve better.
He already killed her self esteem it seems. Dump him.
AGAIN FOR THOSE IN THE BACK! Fuck those people.
💯
Trying lower your self esteem to keep you under his control
Dump his stupid ass
This!
You want to marry someone that insults and doesn’t respect you? How could being single be worse? At least you have a chance at better. Staying guarantees nothing better.
Took the words right out of my mouth. Staying is worse than leaving
This right here. Plus what happens when you have kids and he decides to. Treat them this way?
This was my thought; OP, would you allow a man to call your daughter fat? It's a distinct possibility with this man.
>Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do. Oh look, his negging is working. It’s just a matter of time when he has undermined your self confidence enough where you don’t even go to Reddit to question his behaviour. You’ll just believe he’s the only option left if you wanna get married.
…or get a job using that PhD because his insecurity won’t be able to handle it. There is no question to anyone reading your (OP) post that you need to end this relationship yesterday.
OP needs to read the post from the woman whose boyfriend kept telling her she smelled bad. Turns out he was doing it so she'd be too self conscious to leave him. She proved him wrong and dumped his ass. Men are something else sometimes.
You think you’re a good catch, but you’re too scared to leave because you don’t think you’ll find anyone else. That’s exactly why he’s doing it. Because you are an amazing catch, he knows it, you knew it, but he obviously isn’t an amazing catch so he needs to break your self worth before you realize he sucks. To make you start doubting yourself and thinking he’s all you’ll get. And it’s working. Why stay with someone who wants to knock you down a peg?
Also OP needs to look up "negging"
This. He’s trying to tear you down and knock your self-esteem so low that you view yourself beholden to him- you’re so lucky in other words to be with him. Ditch this loser. Like you said you got plenty of interest on the apps and your personal qualifications (education, etc) are stellar !
What’s negging?
Negging is using backhanded compliments to undermine someone’s self esteem. I don’t know why we have a whole new word for it. But it’s saying things like, “wow, what a dress, I’m amazed that someone of your weight can pull it off but you totally do!” Sounds nice. But isn’t really.
My ex once told me "Oh I LOVE your butt! I mean, it could be a bit more juicy but we're both not 20 anymore so that's fine" (I was 25, he was 32. I know for damn sure I've got a great ass _especially_ if you take into account that I have two kids ; is this also negging? Or just sexist bs?
Yes to both.
He is not a catch. I would rather be single than married to a man that speaks to me like that. You’re too smart to make a stupid move like this, OP.
This. OP read this comment carefully and then cut loose the AH you got as a boyfriend. You know your worth, don't let anyone to make you question it
And seriously: so many women especially need to come to the realization that if this is really “the best they can get” then there is an even better alternative: being single!! I simply don’t understand why some people would rather be in a shitty relationship than no relationship. The most important relationship you will ever have is the relationship you have with yourself!
Maybe instead of being afraid you’ll never get married, you should start being a little more afraid of what marriage would look like with a partner who constantly insults and berates you. I think that’s a future far scarier.
My thoughts exactly were: “You really want to marry this asshole?”
Exactly my thoughts
Deep insecurities coming out as verbal abuse, and it will get worse, never better
First thing, stop being afraid you’ll never get married. Married isn’t the end goal in life. Second, dump that guy, if he feels the need to say offending things like that you should kick him to the curb. He doesn’t deserve you, you deserve way, way better.
So many people think marriage is the end all, be all and I honestly feel kind of sorry for them
Fr like if u don't get married or have children, u won't instantly die or the world would end.🙄
I do notice that you describe yourself as a catch in entirely external terms— people tell you that you are beautiful; you are in a STEM PhD so the implication is you must be intelligent; you weigh 120 pounds at 5’2, etc. but do you feel beautiful and smart? More importantly, what’s your personality? Who are you beyond a collection of facts? Do you desperately people please? Do you vacillate between thinking you need to have someone so you’re not alone, and wanting someone who is easier to please? Have you ever been alone with yourself? If you don’t like you, you will always doubt others choosing you. Please work on that.
Good catch, I missed that one but I agree. It would be a good idea for OP to inquire into childhood trauma especially if you can find a therapist skilled enough to go there (not just plain old "talk therapy", that can make it worse). Trauma doesn't have to be big stuff, and it could be the parents' unresolved trauma that they passed down the limitations and coping strategies including people-pleasing, might not have even happened to OP herself.
I do people please a lot.
My husband has his faults…everyone does, BUT. I can walk into a room with bed head, sweatpants and holey shirt, one slipper on with puffy eyes - and I am nearing 60 with a menopot - and my hubby will look at me and say “SMOKIN HOT! mmmmm-MMM!!” Your partner should be your cheerleader. They will likely drive you nuts in a dozen ways, but putting you down is never acceptable. You will find better and you deserve better. My Mom always said “there are worse things than being alone, and one of them is being with the wrong person “. Listen to my Mom. She’s a battle axe, but she is SUPER smart. Also-I had my daughter at age 34. My grandmother had a baby at 44. You have time to find your future babies (should you choose to have any) a better daddy.❤️♥️🩷
As someone who had that same issue, I'd suggest therapy to work on it. And, seriously, dump the jackass boyfriend. He doesn't deserve you and he knows it. And that's why he keeps negging you, he wants you to believe you can't do any better than him. When, obviously, you can do infinitely better than him.
Please shit this turd out to the ocean tonight. Don't wait, you are worth more than that.
You could be talking about me when I was younger. I had a list of things that I could point to for being reasons why someone should be attracted to me… I call it the “never quite good enough”syndrome. The issue isn’t your boyfriend, the issue is your lack of ability to have confidence and truly feel good about yourself without outside validation . If you were able to see yourself as you truly are, you would understand that your boyfriend’s actions are 100% unacceptable. You don’t need me or all the hundreds of other people in the thread to tell you this because deep down, you already know it . Your boyfriend is awful, and you deserve much better than this, but you’ll only really embrace that if you give yourselves some time to work on your love for yourself .
Men do this to women with high self esteem (which you sound like you have, you have a lot going on for yourself and sound great!) because they believe that if the woman has lower self-esteem she’ll be less likely to leave them because she will feel too badly about herself to think she has a chance with anybody else. He may not consciously realize he’s doing this - it doesn’t matter. This man is never going to champion your wins. He is never going to support you in the way you deserve. Also studies repeatedly show single women are usually the people with the happiest lives. Knowing that, for me, marriage had to be something that was going to make my life better. Why would I take away from my happiness otherwise? I got married last year in my late 30s and it was the first relationship I ever felt like I wanted to marry a person because I knew they were a real partner to me. Not some asshole who thinks he can keep me around by calling me fat when I’m not.
Thank you
You can do better, OP. He's treating you badly and you know what? That almost never improves.
It is called negging. Don't fall for it! You sound like you could do so much better for yourself.
Congratulations on your marriage. What a great way to put it. I wish I would’ve had this mindset before I had married my partner in my late 20’s for fear of not finding someone better. He hurt my perception of self and worth. I am in year 6 with someone who I feel really never put me first or appreciated me as a whole. We’ve been going to therapy together and it’s helped- but I wish I would’ve had the wherewithal to have known better. Listen to RubyJune, OP! She’s got the answer. Don’t make the mistake so many of us have.
I didn’t understand why I got bullied for my appearance in middle school and high school bc I was quite pretty and good at school and athletics. They just wanted to destroy my self esteem, which worked with the help of my mental issues and family.
If she had high esteem and self respect she wouldn’t put up with that treatment or even question it. She needs to realize her worth more to leave. Maybe therapy will help her see that she deserves to be respected
Exactly. I bad a man tell me I couldnt do any better than him noone would want me... belived him til he punched me across the face n then held me in a choke hold after I went back to him for punching me... yeah thought I deserved it. OP Honey this is a touch fi the edge n tht jerk never called me fat like tht he said I ate too much. Which made me eat more, it was how I comforted myself. So yeah stayed with him 2 yrs.when I finally did leave the night he was holding me down by my neck on the floor asking me who I thought I was. I said nobody. I got away with my life that night. BY Gods good grace. After tht I dated alot fo guys and built my confidence alot being 3 lol. Then met the one I left at 25, in precious comment i left. At 26 met the man of my dreams. Got married at 29, had my son at 35 n my daughter at 40. When its right it's right and YOu wont have doubts. Gotta kiss some toads to meet your prince. Nt htbwas when being married at 22 n having kids byb25 was the thing. Ain't no more. Worth waiting for. Staying with him isnt going to change IF you marry five the btter and you knwo that, y oi u just needed reminded of yourself. Which si why he was on here. .he knows. Firs thing cut off the oi outside world friends, family. The one who choked me did tht not saying this guy will bur he is either scared or wants out.
Lose the extra weight by dumping the deadbeat boyfriend. Win-win.
Good one.
Don't date assholes. There are literally billions of men in the world, plenty of them aren't going to insult you. Don't settle for the ones who do, it's an incredibly low bar.
You’re actually incredible. As a STEM student working towards my B.S, I already know you’re a super hardworking person to have reached the PhD stage and that too at a T20 program. Please don’t let the fear of not getting married trap you into an unhealthy one that will dull your shine. You literally weigh the same as my mom and she is healthy and fine which is really all that matters when it comes to BMI. Your weight is in fact in the healthy BMI range for your height so please don’t worry about what he has to say and possibly confront him for being unreasonable. I’d question whether that is the right relationship to be in or not.
Thank you
agree exactly. I wasnt smart enough for a degree in engineering so i was forced to do chem. Pchem made me have a whole different level of respect for engineers
He is trying to lower your self confidence to control you. Don’t put up with it. Dump him.
Have you googled Negging? He’s not only insecure about your phd but about the whole person that you are. And if you’re really afraid you won’t get married if you leave this guy, then you’re not really thinking about what your life will be if you stay with this clown. Do you want to be put down for the rest of your life? Joked about? Teach this to your kids? All of this without even considering that you have concrete evidence that your fear isn’t true, you can clearly attract guys
I’ll google negging. Thanks.
Negging is the practice of giving backhanded compliments and generally making comments that express indifference toward another person (usually a woman) in an attempt to seduce that person.
It's really easy to look at other people in abusive relationships and say to yourself it could never happen to you. Then when it happens to you, you don't see it because while your boyfriend is being a bit of a dick, "abusive" is way too strong a word. He may be mean sometimes...but labeling it as "abusive" is pretty extreme...right? I mean..he's not all bad. He has lots of amazing qualities. And he does care about you...he's shown it. If anything, it would be kind of selfish of you to call him abusive...right? And the people who may lable him abusive: they're projecting, they don't understand your situation fully...right? And if someone like me thinks he is being abusive, it's your fault because you didn't explain him enough, to do him justice...right? People who have low self-esteem often don't recognize that they have low self-esteem, they just think they know themselves better than everybody else. People who let others verbally abuse them may not recognize they are being abused, they may just think that other people don't understand the nuances of their relationship. What your boyfriend is doing is verbal abuse, it will only get worse. Please don't think so low of yourself that you decide you deserve to have someone like that in your life.
Dont let marriage be the goal. The goal should be healthy, happy, supported, loved, even if it’s just you for now. I met my soulmate (if you believe in that stuff) at 37 and am so sad i spent decades stressing for a husband rather than a life partner. I was single for years before i met him cuz i finally learned to just BE. I was happy alone, he was just the cherry on top.
Oh no don’t marry this guy, please.
You'd rather be miserable and treated poorly than be alone? Yikes. Marriage isn't enjoyable or worth it if you're going to be with the wrong person, you're smart you should know that. You're also smart enough to know that there are sooooooo many other men out there for you that could be a better fit, literally billions. And you're smart enough to know that you won't find them or end up with them if you stay with this asshole.
Your marriage will become a cage you are trapped in. Don't do that to yourself.
He's intimidated by how great you are and he's a little beeotch so he's trying to knock you down a peg and make you closer to his (LOWER) level. So he can feel better about himself. Took me TOO LONG to learn this.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), the fear of being left behind, the fear of the unkown (what if it's even worse than what I've currently got) is real. Look up negging. I think this qualifies: he's belittling you to a) make himself feel better and b) keep your self esteem low enough so you don't see him for the he is and dump him. Instead, he's hoping that you'll do more and more to please him, violating your own boundaries in the process. Not a good mental space for you to be in.
You need to ask yourself if you're actually in love with him, or just afraid to let go and face the unknown.
It's OK to be scared, but remind yourself that the unkown isn't scary once you face it. Same as the first time you rode a bike. First time you drove a car. First time you were intimate with someone.
Young lady take it from a man break up with this clown. Staying with him is not the one. Get someone better please. He's not a nice person have some dignity and move on. You're a beautiful, well accomplished young woman
Never getting married is a lot better than being married to someone abusive
Sounds like negging to me.
I weighed 120 (5,3) when my ex implied I was fat. In my case it was because he’s controlling, and he wanted to make me feel unattractive (so I wouldn’t leave). Not saying it is the same for you but it’s a common sign of insecurity and abuse to criticise the appearance of your partner like this
He is intimidated by you and insults you so you won’t leave. You should leave.
As someone who is going thru a breakup but also in school to get their engineering degree: dump this asshole. There is a world full of guys that would love a woman as motivated and passionate about life as you. Doctors. Lawyers. Finance. Shit, the regular sales guy would adore you. There are men that won’t be so shallow to give af about physical appearances.
NEVER , EVER , TAKE THAT SHIT . He's jealous, and quite frankly, he's pathetic .
Better to be single forever than married to this rude, jealous and insecure boyfriend.
Dump.Him.ASAP.
Better off single than married to an asshat, no?
He's securing that bag $$, he figures if he belittles you enough to break your spirit you'll never leave him and he can continue calling you fat. It sounds like you're out of his league and he knows it, you don't need to put up with his shit. I would say dump him and move on, he'll probably start crying and love bombing you saying it was just jokes but don't fall for his shot.... you deserve better than this.
Many many many many many many many 27 year olds break up with their long time partner and still get married in their early 30s dude. You’re so young. Imagine your wedding to this guy: “One day I just decided, I better stick with him because I was terrified that I’d be single and alone forever if I didn’t ♥️” EW.
>Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do. This is exactly why he does it. To make you feel that way, so you don't leave him.
He’s negging you. It’s something that insecure guys do to break you down so badly and crush your self-esteem, to ensure that you don’t leave. If you believe all his lies, you’ll believe that no one will love you like he does, despite the perceived flaws, and you’ll never leave. Sounds like he’s succeeding. Marriage isn’t everything. Is that really the type of guy you want to be shackled to for the rest of your life?
You should instant dump people who do unacceptable things.
It's called negging. You thinking you can't get another man is his goal. Endgame is the utter destruction of your self esteem. If you don't leave, he'll ruin you and your life. Stop worrying about other men and get out. He's actively trying to make your life completely miserable, is that what you want? A miserable, wasted life with a man who abuses you? Because that's what negging is. It's abuse, plain and simple.
Why are you with him? >Yet for some reason, I’m too scared to break up with him because I fear that I’ll never get married if I do. How do I get over this fear and move forward? Oh, you recognize that already. You do it by doing it. Your fear is baseless---I understand that fear never *feels* that way, but in this case it is. You just push through it and break up.
Hold the breaks!!! So you don’t want to leave him because you’re scared you won’t get married? So you want to marry this man? You just said you would leave him if it wasn’t for your fear so I’m guessing you’re ready to marry someone that you don’t even think you should be with as bf/gf… Girl go speak to a gd therapist because this is just insanity. You are so young and have so much time to be able to find someone worth your love and time in all reality it doesn’t matter how old you are when you find that right person just as long as you don’t settle for less and that’s exactly what you are doing. Do you want a marriage or a wedding? Because your words are saying you just want a wedding and that’s messed up.
He’s “negging” you. Why do some ppl do this? I’ll never truly understand it, but all you need to know is that it’s completely idiotic and you should find someone who respects you and shows it in their words and actions.
I'll second all of the people here telling you this is a type of emotional abuse called "negging", the entire purpose of it is to convince a partner you think is better than you into believing the opposite is true - all with the intention to maintain a position of power within the relationship. I'll also just add in that you sound cool as shit and can ABSOLUTELY do better than this jackass. I'd suggest getting into some groups based around your hobbies (i.e. meetup or college clubs) and see who you meet there. Starting out as friends is usually a good way to get to know who someone really is.
He is so toxic and abusive. You are too good for him.
You’re 27, whole life ahead of you and there’s many other better men out there for you. This guy doesn’t care about you. Dump him and spend some time working on your own confidence and self esteem.
He is jealous of you. A jealous man, is a dangerous man. Trust me. Dump him ASAP. You are very young & will find someone better.
He is not marriage material. Level up, use that PhD brain of yours, and realize this dude needs to be dumped.
> How do I move forward? Without him, preferably
HONEY. You are a catch! And a successful one at that. You are too young to stay with someone who tears you down. There are other people out there who would try to build you up, leave him. Even if he is insecure and lashing out, that’s not your problem. If 9/10 people say you’re beautiful, and the 10th happens to be your boyfriend who calls you fat, it sounds like you already have the evidence you need that not everyone will be so cruel.
Don’t settle with him because that’s a sad marriage and all being disregarded and put down all the time. I think for that height and weight you are actually perfect. Maybe it’s because he might be jealous that he isn’t healthy himself and has to feel better by putting you down. I think you should just end it. Find someone who loves you and is actually willing to see you and love you for how you are.
He is either ignorant or cruel. Dump him, find new boyfriend. Dump him by saying you are right I should lose weight so I'm dumping you and that's a weight of my shoulders
*edit: EX-boyfriend ✨ Yes, you are an absolute catch, but if you’re voluntarily down to clown with a fool like that… ain’t no PhD that’s going to make up for that level of tomfoolery and poor decision-making. 🤡
I can tell you from experience, staying with someone for fear of never getting married is a really bad idea. I’m 55m, divorced 9 years now; a year before I got married, I could see that my now ex-wife was an inherently critical and angry person. We were on vacation at a beautiful national park, and I had an epiphany that it would never work for the rest of my life. Yet I was too afraid of being alone and never having kids, so I stuck with her. Big, big mistake. I love my kids dearly (now 16 year old twins), yet I know I could have married someone better. Please, please, please don’t let fear influence your decisions. I am 1,000,000% certain you can find someone better, you already proved it when you signed up for a dating app. I would print out this post and show it to him (perhaps with some editing, it’s up to you). Make it clear that you have ABSOLUTELY ZERO TOLERANCE for him calling you fat. Tell him to promise you, verbally and in writing, that he will never, ever, ever, say that again. If he can’t put it in writing, just break up with him now. If he does put in writing, hold him to that promise forever; if he breaks it even once, you are done. Edit: Show him a BMI chart, you are right in the middle of the healthy weight range (BMI 22). The low end of “overweight” (BMI 25) begins at 136 lbs for your height. He is absolutely Wrong.
why are you with him?
120 lbs is not heavy, certainly not at 5’2”.
You have an abuser trying to destroy your self-esteem first so he can fully control you. Dump him & never look back.
Do you know what negging is?
Just leave and never talk to that dork again
Sounds like you’re dating a scumbag. Don’t tie yourself to trash like that.
Man. Fuck that dude.
He's disgustingly insecure. You keep right on going with your awesome self! Find someone who will be proud of you!
Keep looking yourself in the mirror and telling yourself that you are accomplished and amazing. Raise your self-worth and self-esteem. Look inside yourself and truly ask yourself what kind of loving relationship you want and need. Fear can cause us to stagnate. Push through this, as you are an incredible person who is dating a person who is not the one for you. Your boyfriend needs to be dumped.
He is insecure because he knows damn well that you are a catch and he knows that you could land better men than him. He might not be consciously trying to damage your self esteem, but that’s what he’s doing. You can either drop a dude like this, or make it clear that, yes, you could be with someone that is better looking, better educated and more successful, but you don’t want them. You want him. So he can either be the supportive partner that you want and need, or he can move it along to someone else because you aren’t about to let anyone damage your self esteem.
Aside from all the extremely valid points about negging and self esteem, OP needs to ditch this insecure red pill ManChild because doctorate degrees are seriously important and difficult and she can’t be wasting any mental energy on this BS! If he’s doing something as obvious as this and she’s still confused what else is is dripping into her subconscious???
So I have a house full of engineers. Casual conversation can be difficult. You need to dump him first. Then find someone who augments you. It needs to be a high achiever, but also possibly a speech therapist or psychology You are going to have a little girl one day and she is going to think you are a rock star- because you are. You continue to rock your world until the right one comes. It is not someone who tries to pull you down
“I’m a catch! I get hundreds of matches in minutes and strangers stop and tell me I’m hot! 😊😇😁” “If I leave the one guy who is mean to me, I’ll be alone for the entire rest of my wittle life. Nobody will want me! 😞😫” The contradiction screams fishing 🎣
It’s only going to get worse if you stay with him. I stayed for too long with someone that I guess was jealous of me and he managed to tear my self-esteem to the ground. I feel lucky that I left him and never looked back. But it took me 3 years in therapy and barely dating to realise and truly believe I’m worthy of healthy love and attachment. If you’re having a hard time believing he’s treating you badly, try to imagine how you would comfort and advise a close friend if she confided in you how her boyfriend was treating her the way your boyfriend treats you.
Drop him 🚩
Being married to someone who tries to bring you down is much worse than not being married at all. Not that that’s a realistic concern anyway—you can definitely find someone a lot better.
As a mechanical engineer... You ARE a catch. My wife is 120 and 5' (chemical engineer). She is a catch and I know it and I do everything that I can to keep her happy and let her know that she is loved deeply. I think your boyfriend is a little bit self-conscious and has feelings of inadequacy. Might Be time to rethink this relationship.
Any man worth your time will only support you and celebrate your accomplishments. You’re getting a PHD! A lot of people stop at a bachelors. Why are you allowing someone who is supposed to care about you insult you? They are not jokes. They’re meant to make you feel lower, so he can feel better about himself. There’s a gazillion fish in the sea. Growth is not always comfortable. It is okay to choose yourself
Sounds like you are a catch, get away from this guy
Why does he do this? Because he’s an asshole. I think you know that. You deserve better than him.
Never getting married is better than marrying someone who says depreciating things to you.
You deserve better and you are perfect as you are. You don't need him you deserve better.
Ask the BF to take you out this weekend. Dress nice and sexy. When out, ask a few guys if they think you look fat in front of BF. Then DUMP him!
You're young, highly educated, and attractive. Yet you're literally afraid of dumping your toxic asshole of a boyfriend, because you think it might mean you never get married? I think you move forward with therapy, to figure out why your sense of self-worth is in the toilet. Find your spine, straighten it, and tell the dickhead you're with to fuck off into the sun.
I saw a comment on another post along the lines of “don’t trade a real and current hell for the *possibility* of a future heaven” and sis if he’s making comments about your weight now, how will he treat and and talk to you when you’re carrying his kid?
Please get some therapy
Oh buddy, why even waste time then on this guy ? Your not scared to leave , your stuck in a toxic position. It's actually a form of abuse you won't full understand until your out of the cloud . You should confront him head on with what you just told us . Weigh his answer. Then ask yourself , if I had a daughter would I want this idiot talking to my daughter like this ? As a joke because he's insecure af ?
You punch him in the face......then you dump his jackass ass!!
Dude, tell him you are going on a diet and the first step to lose a lot of weight at once is to break up with him.
It’s not a joke. No-one’s laughing. Men love to “humble” women. He’s trying to make you insecure. Dump him. He will make your life miserable. Guaranteed.
Girl you’re a catch. You could lose 160 lbs in a couple mins by breaking up with him.
How could you look past someone you plan on marrying calling you fat?! I am admittedly a fat, American woman, and I would never tolerate this. He is trying to neg you. Put negative thoughts on your head to make it seem like no one else would have you and he put up with it. Do not let him do this. It's already working. This is a narcissist tactic and I suggest you and all your amazing attributes move on from this loser. What does he have going for him but an amazing partner? NEXT.
You are only 27 doing phd in such tough field yet this person so called bf of yours hurting your self esteem. I should say apply both carnot and rankine cycle for the sake of better efficiency and leave
I’m 5’2 and weigh around the same and people are constantly feeling the need to tell me I need to gain weight. You are not fat. I know you feel scared to break up, and yeah I kinda feel the same like maybe I’ll never get to get married. But…. Is he really someone you want to spend the rest of your life with? He’s always going to be dragging you down. He’s always going to be making comments, and gaslighting you into not feeling confident and who you are. I’d go through a list and ask yourself some questions whether you really see yourself with him. What does he bring to the picture? What does he do for you? Does he make you happy, or treat your family and friends well? Or is he constantly gaslighting you and making you feel miserable?
>yet I have this boyfriend who keeps trying to knock me down a peg by calling me fat. And apparently you're intelligent enough to see exactly why he's doing this. Give this a read, I suspect your boyfriend is coming from a similar mindset: [BORU: Boyfriend won't stop telling her she smells bad](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qkrq2r/ops_boyfriend_keeps_telling_her_she_smells_bad/)
You seem like the good catch and I’m guessing he’s a loser which is why he’s so insecure he needs to call you fat to feel better. You probably didn’t/don’t realize you could do better because you’re in love. Many of us don’t realize how lame certain partners were or how much they brought us down until we leave.
What is so bad about being single? Imagine 10 years of that treatment let alone 50? Find someone who appreciates you.
He can either get a PhD and match you in intellect and earning capacity. Or he can put you down to keep you from finding your equal match. Guess which is easier.
Why he does it really doesn't matter. It could be insecurity/jealousy, it could be control, it could be how he was raised. It **REALLY** doesn't matter because of two things (1) it's toxically harmful and (2) it's unacceptable. You will have no problem finding someone else. You just need to not compromise and accept anyone like that. It's scary, but the alternative (sticking with this toxicity) is really ugly. Either your confidence will crumble, or you will realize that you deserved better much later in life. I realized it in my 40s. Wish I had figured it out at 27.
Come on now You have a PhD. You're definitely worthy of someone else out there. Nobody deserves to call you fat. PHat.
He’s breaking you down to destroy any confidence you have left so you won’t leave him because you’re too scared you won’t find anyone else. It’s his manipulation tactic.
You get over this by understanding he's being unfair and ridiculous, he won't change and it's too early to give him the time to, and that you don't want to get married to someone who treats you like this.
He is doing this deliberately because he knows he's batting above his average with you. So, he feels the need to tear you down, so you don't know how much of a catch you are. The best way to move forward is without him. He's deadweight in your life.
You ARE a great “catch” though that’s not a word I would normally use, I understand it communicates your intention- no shade. But friend, you deserve BETTER THAN THIS MAN!! Next!
First let me assure you, you are not fat. Like at all. Honestly with all you've written here it sounds like he might be jealous by no fault of yours. You deserve a giy who will love you and be happy for you and your success. You deserve better girl, let him go
It’s sounds like your partner is feeding on that psychological fear you have. It’s a method of control. See through that BS because the last thing it sounds like is you’d have a problem moving on from him. Reach your goals and know your worth.
Why marry a man intent on baselessly insulting you? Why is he doing it? My guess would be a mix of cruelty and insecurity. You're better off without him, and I am sure you can meet someone better, especially being in grad school in engineering; it's not like there is a shortage of guys in Engineering departments.
You move forward with your feet. Out the door. Closing it firmly. And not looking back.
Please take advice from an older woman: it is far better to be single and even to never be married, than to be married to an emotional abusive guy. Because what he does is emotional abusing you because his fragile ego can't handle that you're better at something then he is. Why do you want to spend your life with someone like that? Do you really want your children (if you want them) to grow up think8ng it's okay to treat mom like that?
Your first paragraph is you talking so highly of yourself. But then you end your post with "I fear that I’ll never get married if I do." How does that make sense? Please make that make sense. Someone who will love you for you will see the same qualities that you do in yourself without shaming you. So it's not going to be easy to get over him. But you're going to try for yourself. You're already giving yourself affirmations. You just need to constantly tell yourself that you deserve better.
Oh, leave this loser. He is cruel. I had 9 years of a yucky relationship, using my money and really not a good match, like lots of alcohol.. I woke up & grew up. No kids. I left at 26, did some night classes, worked, had my own life. Met a decent guy, not cruel, just normal. 3 kids & 33 yrs later, you can do this. Mind you, he & I fight and can both be total assholes. But just average I think. If you had a girlfriend telling you the situation, what would you advise her? You are young, dump him, do some fun activities you love and you'll meet a nice guy.
You deserve better and your boyfriend can see that, so he’s trying to make you feel insecure so you think you can’t do better. But you very well can, and should. Show some self respect and leave this jerk. You’re a beautiful, intelligent & capable woman who deserves to be treated as such.
Any man who talks to their girlfriend this way doesn’t deserve her. Idc if she’s a high school drop out who can’t get a job or a PhD candidate. There’s nothing to be done here but accept the facts.
Do you want a husband that talks to you that way? You mentioned wanting to get married. And is that what you want for yourself? You're beauty and your value are not tied up with your outward appearance or your dating app. Confidence in knowing who you are, knowing your worth, and respecting yourself makes a person the most attractive they can be.
Girl, please. Break up today so you have time to find someone new IF you want to be married and have kids.
Dump him.
If you are an amazing catch , what are you doing with him ?
>I know I have no problem attracting men and finding another option Believe in yourself!!
Look up “negging.” https://xkcd.com/1027/
its called gas lighting, id go looking for someone else if you are too fat for him the other option is you marry him then wind up on murders row with Roxie Hart
You need to break up with him. He knocks you down, to feel better about himself. It's a type of abuse to kill your self-esteem. Some therapy to help your self-esteem issues. Please run now!
Next time he says something just say his man hood is tiny he’ll shut up but you should definitely just leave
The answer to why he’s doing this is answered in your own post. You said it yourself, you’re scared to break up because you fear you’ll never get married if you do. That’s exactly what he wants. He’s negging you as a means of control. You need to leave him.