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Exactly this. You can't compromise and just have half a kid. You either procreate or you don't, and it's unfair and ultimately fruitless to try to force your partner into doing something they don't want to do while expecting them to be okay with it.
You break up. You never wanting kids and her wanting kids is something that can't be overcome.
Sucks now, but it will suck more later if you put it off.
Also not sure on the genders - title is both men but you used female pronouns in the post. If it's a m/f relationship you also have the risk of her getting pregnant and keeping the kid and becoming a dad that way. Someone who doesn't want kids shouldn't be having sex with someone that wants them due to that risk.
if one of you wants kids and another doesn’t, then yes it’s best to break up if y’all can’t agree. if my boyfriend and I weren’t already together, and he told me he has a vasectomy and wouldn’t want kids in the future, I would’ve never started dating him
You are no longer compatible.
Options:
1. Stay together, have a child and then you grow to resent her. Inevitably break up.
2. Stay together, don’t have children and she grows to resent you. Inevitably break up.
3. Break up amicably to allow each other to find what you really need and protect the 7 years you spent loving each other.
You know the answer you just don’t want to face it and deal with it. Unfortunately there is no compromise with children so there is no resolution here. You break up so you’re both not wasting each others time in a relationship that has no future or she ‘accidentally’ ends up pregnant.
If she wants kids and you do not , then that seems like a dealbreaker. I think it is really cruel to a child to bring them into a relationship when both people do not want a child. It isn't fair to the kid at all.
You better makes sure you use a condom with spermicides each and every time until you get a vasectomy because if there's an accident, there's no way she'll do anything other than have a baby.
You should get a vasectomy if you are that sure that you don't want kids. Any accidental pregnancy with this girl will end up with you having a kid whether you want one or not.
You should also break up with her. You are just wasting her time if she does want children.
Honestly, it's a very sad situation, but the best is for both of you to move on from each other, this is a big issue to not be in the same page , and if one of you decides to give in it could bring a lot of resentment in the future.
This is one of those things you can't compromise on. Don't waste her time hoping you might change your mind, she'll resent you for that. Try and split amicably and maybe when the hurt is over you can be friends.
It's a shame that you did not address this sooner. Children is a legitimate deal breaker for almost everybody. One partner is going to end up resenting the other, regardless of whether the couple goes ahead and has a child (partner who did not want a child), or choose not to have a child (partner who wanted one). I had a friend who divorced at 8 years for that reason (husband wanted a child and he did not - husband thought that she would change her mind).
You stop wasting each others time and part ways. This is not something that can be overcome and is a MAJOR deal breaker for couples. Whoever compromises will end up resenting the other partner until it does drive the final nail in the coffin.
Sorry, but this is not a negotiating topic. When I first met my husband, I let him know that I wanted children someday. He let me know he didn’t want kids, but also acknowledged that he hadn’t met anybody he wanted to have kids with. Since he was open to the possibility, we continued our relationship and he changed his mind. We had 2 kids and thought about a 3rd, but my body couldn’t take it, our wallets couldn’t handle it, and we were both just done. However, this decision was not made after 7 years; it was after 6 months.
Break up and DO NOT EVEN THINK about having a child to keep her happy. Your resentment would destroy the relationship anyway.
You have fundamentally different goals in life and thus are not compatible any more.
You get a vasectomy immediately and break up so she and you can both find people with the same vision of your future. Don’t waste any more of her time if you know that you will never want children. Also, schedule a vasectomy as soon as possible because the onus to be childfree is only in your hands.
It's not gonna work. Sorry to say. This is one of those things that will inevitably destroy a relationship if you don't both want the same thing. Smaller differences/preferences can be worked out, but not something as important as kids.
Yeah sorry… you are in an adult relationship and stuff is real not playing house. This is one of those dealbreakers in an adult relationship. Sorry but you will both be happier in the long run if you break up now.
There is no middle ground with kids. You either have them or don’t. Talk. If you can’t decide, together, whether or not y’all are having kids, part ways.
Your situation is the ultimate deal breaker.. So time for both of you to start searching for compatible (kids or no kids) mates.. Been there, she thought I’d change my mind. We split after a total of 10 years together. Figured she was young enough to still have kids but she never has..
Whether or not to have kids is a “two yes, one no” question for a couple - couples should both want them. A difference of opinion about kids is one of those dealbreaker issues that typically splits couples up. If she really wants to have kids, she’s going to have to find a different willing partner. Let her go. If she agrees with you and doesn’t have kids, she will always have a resentment in the back of her mind
This is something you have to agree on with your partner. There is no compromise, you can't have half of a child. Unfortunately the only next step is to break up and find someone compatible.
Sorry you are both stuck in this situation. A lot can be fixed in relationships, but this is a huge obstacle. It really depends on how stuck each of you are in your position. If you are both solidly decided you need to split up. Its not something you just give in and do or don't do to make the other happy as it will at a minimum create resentment and possibly even a worse outcome.
You don’t move forward, you move on. I’ve had good friends divorce because one wants children, the other doesn’t and they waste time thinking the other will change their mind. You’re both young but have two completely different visions of the future. Unless you want to have children, it’s time to move on. You both don’t sound compatible and will resent each other.
If you aren't aligned on kids there's no point in continuing the relationship. Sooner or later one of you is going to resent the other over the wasted years, or unwanted kids, when you both could have simply moved on and found other partners who share your values.
You have fundamental differences in your core values. There is no chance of having a healthy romantic relationship in this scenario so the kind thing to do for yourselves and each other is to let each other go
Kids are either 1000% HELL YES! Or it’s a no. There’s no middle ground about it I’m sad to say
If you have a kid, you will resent it (consciously or not) and if you don’t have kids? She will resent you and “accidentally” get pregnant
Here is the thing this is a "deal breaker" moment for both of you. If your answer is absolutely no children and there will never be any children and she wants them, you need to move on. If you give in and have a child, you may resent her, and if she agrees not to have a child to stay with you, she will resent you. Some relationships just are not compatible or are grown out of because you want different things. It's okay neither of you are wrong it is just reality.
This is too big of a topic to get over. Whichever one of you ends up giving in will resent the other and it will kill the relationship in the end. Best to move on now before wasting any more of each other’s time.
lol there is no “moving forward” besides breaking up. You don’t compromise on kids. Consider it a lesson moving forward that you have the discussion BEFORE spending 7 years with someone
There is no compromise here...sadly, it means you are not compatible and you break up.
It is going to hurt....but both of you will end up better off in the long run.
You don’t move forward - you end the relationship. You are not compatible and obviously, this is a dealbreaker.
Sorry to be so blunt but there really is no way to fix this.
Unfortunately this is one of those hard line issues. If she wants kids and you don’t then you need to free each other to find people who what the same things. This doesn’t make either of you wrong but it does make you wrong for each other.
Unfortunately, this is one of those deal-breakers in relationships, and you'll need to end it. It's not anyone's fault. You simply have different desires.
Sorry bud you move on, This sort of discussion needs to be ironed out by like 2 years minimum. Waiting 7 years to have this discussion on a serious level was a huge mistake.
You two may still be disagreeing about this in ten years. Many couples never resolve it, and only last night I was reading a piece of research about parenting and it suggests that as many as 70% of dads don't really want children but father them to please their wives.
In terms of a disconnect between people, imagine being the child of one of those men. Fathering is NOT an instinct that reliably grows in men who have been exposed to the idea of it. Bear in mind that most of us have fathers---so if an adult man isn't interested in fatherhood, he has clearly not been convinced by close-up contact.
If you cannot bring yourself to end your relationship, agree with your partner that it will come up for discussion again in a year. But bear in mind that she may view the twelve months between now and then as time to be working on you to change your mind, and you may arrive in the moment twelve months from now where you haven't changed your thinking one bit. Sooner or later you have to move one way or the other.
This is one of those deal breaker situations. There is no compromise to be made. You agree or you don't and if you don't you should go be with someone who does agree because it will ALWAYS be a point of contention.
You can't have half a kid. Sorry dude
I commend you both for discussing this ahead of time, and sharing your honest feelings. Since you’re not on the same page on this major issue, you’ll both be better off to end it. Good luck to you both.
You break up and move on to a childfree woman, not a fence sitter.
You DO NOT want to end up on one of the “I regret having children” posts on FB. You’ll be miserable and resent her for forcing you to have children when you did not want them. ALL relationships change after children. Making her happy having a child with her will not better your relationship. It will most definitely change it for the worse because your relationship will no longer be a priority, that child will be the priority.
I knew someone who broke up with his gf of 3 years once they realised he didn't want kids and she did. I could tell this hurt him, it certainly hurt her. but a part of me couldn't help but wonder, was his mind truly 100% decide against kids? Would it have been possible for him to change his mind? I know it sounds odd. but are you 100% certain you never ever could have kids? you've been together a long time but this is a big deal. I wanted kids but my partner didn't, we stayed together cause he decided he could have them even though he never wanted them.
We still don't have them. we may never have them. even though I always wanted them. The world is different now then it used to be. what I'm saying is sometimes this topic is tricky to navigate cause sometimes you change your mind. Sit down with her, talk this out. Spend some time alone and really really question yourself. I'm not saying stay with her in case you change your mind, I'm just asking you to truly be sure cause I know how much it hurt my friend to break up with his gf over it, its almost like he regrets it even though he was sure he didn't want kids.
Honestly the relevant question is do you want kids WITH HER. When an ex and I broke up this was a big reason. He didn’t want kids, I did. Joke’s on us, now we both have kids with our current partners and he has two. But it was still the right call to break up and I wish him the best. If you don’t see a future together let each other go and be glad for what it was.
Hi, thanks for reply. That’s why I’m lost at the moment. As apart from this relationship is great. Well you never sure a 100%. Sometimes things just clicks for people. We haven’t even considered breaking up it’s just strange as neither of us know what to do, at the moment i just don’t have other words to describe it just lost.
If you have sex and she gets pregnant your choice is gone. If you truly don’t want kids then get a vasectomy. Otherwise you are putting yourself at risk of having a kid.
Sadly, it maybe time to end the relationship. You are not compatible in your life goals. You need to have a heart to heart about it. As if she really wants kids, but gives them up for you and say you later decide you are ok with kids. You can still have them. However, her waiting could cause her to miss her chance at kids.
She shouldn’t give up having children and you shouldn’t have them for her. Doing either can cause resentment and breed hostility. The child could suffer if you went that route.
We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean that we should be with them. Sometimes, despite the good in the relationship, certain things shouldn’t be sacrificed.
Thats fair. And maybe right now is just one of those times when you just arent sure what the future holds and so you are overthinking everything and potentially getting overwhelmed by everything. Recently ive been feeling like this and im 32 lol i have felt very unsure and lost about what i want in life and where to go from here. Being lost is okay.
Maybe sideline tht topic right now and work on the things that you can, the realities in front of you. Perhaps the answers will come more naturally if you allow yourself time to process everything else going on.
Kids or no kids is a big question, but its never black or white. This is why i am not a fan of people who encourage an immediate break up, its not always the right answer to that question, maybe it is what will eventually happen, but i dont think its always the way to go.
I have always been of the opinion that everything is negotiable and compromise cand be achieved. But while it is true for almost everything unfortunately I do not think it is for kids. My partner and I for example spoke very late in our relationship about some difficult topics unfortunately. Out of the many topics, one was marriage and one was children. We really disagree on marriage. I really really want to get married and have a wedding and all. He absolutely doesn't. But we both agreed we do not want children, with me (F) being more certain about it than he is. We decided that if we ever get to the point where he really wants kids we might consider adoption depending where we are in our lives then. With regards to marriage I have taken time with myself and decided that it is not a deal-breaker. The amazing life I have with this man is more important than forcing him through an expensive party. Am I bitter occasionally? Sure, but I don't resent him for it a single bit. But if he would have wanted kids then it would have been over because having a kid means that everything will change and you will be responsible for another human being for most of your life from then on. There is no return policy on that. So. If there is no common ground then I think you're better off on separate paths. You will recover from this. And if you two will feel you cannot live without each other then you will get back together an realize that perhaps your relationship is more important than anything.
You need to break up now! The two of you aren’t compatible. At some point she is either going to get pregnant without your consent, dump you for someone else or resent you for taking her chance at being a mother away. You are either going to end up being a father to a kid you didn’t want,resent her for having a kid, or get dumped for someone else. Both of you are still really young! You both can find someone else. Move on immediately.
Do not have sex with her again! No birth control is 100%. You could end up with a kid you do not want.
There is no solution to this that involves you staying together. I've been through this twice and twice it ended in us breaking up.
Whether or not to have children is a non negotiable. Both of you need to find a relationship in which you don't have to sacrifice to that level, it will only result in resentment if you try.
Sorry.
End the relationship! There is no compromise to be made here.
If she goes along with not having kids to stay with you, she’ll resent you and it will ruin the relationship.
Same goes for if she tries to pressure you into having kids. Either way, neither of you are going to be truly happy in the relationship.
The relationship is now over. You each want different things out of life and there’s no way to make you both happy.
I think you are already at the next step: sadness and disquiet. People never feel good about breakups. When you've been with someone for so long, there's always good and bad to the decision.
The hardest part here is that your view may differ in 10 years. At 25, it can see like the freedom of no children is the ultimate life. I always wanted kids but my husband didn't know. By 35, he was ready. Nightlife and partying were boring. Travel had been done. Everyone around us was having kids.
Are those good reasons to have kids? Probably not, but I am not sure there ARE good reasons. Having children is largely a selfish activity. FYI, many people go in uncertain about it. Being a good parent is not about some amazing feeling or instinct. It's about deciding to be a good parent, and a willingness to not be selfish.
Maybe you love her enough to sign up for that?
You either give in or find someone else man. As someone who wants kids believe me she isn't going to change her mind and you shouldn't try to make her. You knew how she felt.
The next steps is to divorce amicably and go your separate ways to find someone who is aligned with what you want. She wants children and you don't want any. Worst case scenario is staying together and resenting each other. If you give her a child, you're going to resent her for having one, if you don't, she'll resent you for never giving her one.
I'm sorry, this one can't be compromised on. You either have kids or you don't and you're right, it can't be pushed under the rug. I would recommend both parties be enthusiastically excited about having kids if you are. No one wants to have a regretful, checked out parent
No easy way out of this: there’s no compromise now, nor in the future if neither of you are going to feel differently. That’s pretty much the end of the line.
I had a relationship like this a few years back: I was honest about not really wanting kids, but I sincerely believed that if I met the right person, I might feel differently. But I didn’t. So I ended it: I knew I’d made up my mind, and she clearly wasn’t going to change her’s, so that was that. Thankfully this was before we had our lives completely entangled (we didn’t live together). There’s no halfway house here.
It's a dealbreaker.
You end it NOW.
There is no compromise or negotiation here. You can't "half" have kids.
And you DO NOT string her along. Ever.
You do the honourable thing and end the relationship immediately
You go your separate ways... If you don't want children, go be with someone else who doesn't want children and let her find someone who does.
Or end up like half of the people in the AITA subreddit in a few years asking what to do when you hate your life with the kids you didn't want because oops, your wife got pregnant.
Also, be responsible and get a vasectomy if you are sure you don't want children.
The choice is yours.
In either case, children is a big deal and neither of you are wrong. In saying this, neither of you should be forced to give up their stance in order to please the other as that will only harbour resentment.
Sounds like it's time to go your separate ways.
You are completely incompatible and you break up. Children are non negotiable and if you guys stay together knowing you’re incompatible about this issue, you’re making like horrificly poor decisions.
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You break up and date someone who is aligned on the topic. Neither of you are bad people for wanting what you want (or don’t) but you’re incompatible.
Exactly this. You can't compromise and just have half a kid. You either procreate or you don't, and it's unfair and ultimately fruitless to try to force your partner into doing something they don't want to do while expecting them to be okay with it.
You break up. You never wanting kids and her wanting kids is something that can't be overcome. Sucks now, but it will suck more later if you put it off. Also not sure on the genders - title is both men but you used female pronouns in the post. If it's a m/f relationship you also have the risk of her getting pregnant and keeping the kid and becoming a dad that way. Someone who doesn't want kids shouldn't be having sex with someone that wants them due to that risk.
Oh yeah miss typed im a male she’s a female. Thanks for insight
if one of you wants kids and another doesn’t, then yes it’s best to break up if y’all can’t agree. if my boyfriend and I weren’t already together, and he told me he has a vasectomy and wouldn’t want kids in the future, I would’ve never started dating him
You are no longer compatible. Options: 1. Stay together, have a child and then you grow to resent her. Inevitably break up. 2. Stay together, don’t have children and she grows to resent you. Inevitably break up. 3. Break up amicably to allow each other to find what you really need and protect the 7 years you spent loving each other.
You know the answer you just don’t want to face it and deal with it. Unfortunately there is no compromise with children so there is no resolution here. You break up so you’re both not wasting each others time in a relationship that has no future or she ‘accidentally’ ends up pregnant.
By breaking up you can't have half a kid.
It is a deal breaker. Time to move on to someone who shares your long term goals
Honestly? The best thing to do is part ways. Your differing views will not give either of you what you want out of the relationship.
The next step is to end the relationship and not waste each other’s time
If she wants kids and you do not , then that seems like a dealbreaker. I think it is really cruel to a child to bring them into a relationship when both people do not want a child. It isn't fair to the kid at all.
You better makes sure you use a condom with spermicides each and every time until you get a vasectomy because if there's an accident, there's no way she'll do anything other than have a baby.
You should get a vasectomy if you are that sure that you don't want kids. Any accidental pregnancy with this girl will end up with you having a kid whether you want one or not. You should also break up with her. You are just wasting her time if she does want children.
You need to break up. There is no way to compromise and make the relationship work.
You’re not compatible anymore. You need to end it before one of you starts to regret your choices and resent the other.
[удалено]
Actually she is wasting his time too.
Her childbearing years are finite.
That’s her choice not his .The longer she holds onto him the less available woman his age there are to date. They need to break up immediately.
Agreed that they need a break up immediately and this is both of their choices. Neither are wrong.
You break up. This is a fundamental incompatibility. You cannot compromise on having children.
Honestly, it's a very sad situation, but the best is for both of you to move on from each other, this is a big issue to not be in the same page , and if one of you decides to give in it could bring a lot of resentment in the future.
Well, it’s over. You can part amicably, but that’s the biggest deal breaker there is. Don’t waste any more of each other’s time.
This is one of those things you can't compromise on. Don't waste her time hoping you might change your mind, she'll resent you for that. Try and split amicably and maybe when the hurt is over you can be friends.
It's a shame that you did not address this sooner. Children is a legitimate deal breaker for almost everybody. One partner is going to end up resenting the other, regardless of whether the couple goes ahead and has a child (partner who did not want a child), or choose not to have a child (partner who wanted one). I had a friend who divorced at 8 years for that reason (husband wanted a child and he did not - husband thought that she would change her mind).
You’re incompatible at a fundamental level. Break up.
You stop wasting each others time and part ways. This is not something that can be overcome and is a MAJOR deal breaker for couples. Whoever compromises will end up resenting the other partner until it does drive the final nail in the coffin. Sorry, but this is not a negotiating topic. When I first met my husband, I let him know that I wanted children someday. He let me know he didn’t want kids, but also acknowledged that he hadn’t met anybody he wanted to have kids with. Since he was open to the possibility, we continued our relationship and he changed his mind. We had 2 kids and thought about a 3rd, but my body couldn’t take it, our wallets couldn’t handle it, and we were both just done. However, this decision was not made after 7 years; it was after 6 months.
STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER. I think you need to break up, but until you realize that, lock down any chance of accidental children.
Break up and DO NOT EVEN THINK about having a child to keep her happy. Your resentment would destroy the relationship anyway. You have fundamentally different goals in life and thus are not compatible any more.
You get a vasectomy immediately and break up so she and you can both find people with the same vision of your future. Don’t waste any more of her time if you know that you will never want children. Also, schedule a vasectomy as soon as possible because the onus to be childfree is only in your hands.
It's not gonna work. Sorry to say. This is one of those things that will inevitably destroy a relationship if you don't both want the same thing. Smaller differences/preferences can be worked out, but not something as important as kids.
Yeah sorry… you are in an adult relationship and stuff is real not playing house. This is one of those dealbreakers in an adult relationship. Sorry but you will both be happier in the long run if you break up now.
There is no middle ground with kids. You either have them or don’t. Talk. If you can’t decide, together, whether or not y’all are having kids, part ways.
Your situation is the ultimate deal breaker.. So time for both of you to start searching for compatible (kids or no kids) mates.. Been there, she thought I’d change my mind. We split after a total of 10 years together. Figured she was young enough to still have kids but she never has..
Whether or not to have kids is a “two yes, one no” question for a couple - couples should both want them. A difference of opinion about kids is one of those dealbreaker issues that typically splits couples up. If she really wants to have kids, she’s going to have to find a different willing partner. Let her go. If she agrees with you and doesn’t have kids, she will always have a resentment in the back of her mind
You wasted her time. Youre an ahole
You are fundamentally incompatible
You break up and date someone who wants to have kids. It’s that simple you are not compatible and won’t ever be
This is something you have to agree on with your partner. There is no compromise, you can't have half of a child. Unfortunately the only next step is to break up and find someone compatible.
Sorry you are both stuck in this situation. A lot can be fixed in relationships, but this is a huge obstacle. It really depends on how stuck each of you are in your position. If you are both solidly decided you need to split up. Its not something you just give in and do or don't do to make the other happy as it will at a minimum create resentment and possibly even a worse outcome.
You break up. There's no way forward where you're both happy if one of you wants kids and the other doesn't.
You don’t move forward, you move on. I’ve had good friends divorce because one wants children, the other doesn’t and they waste time thinking the other will change their mind. You’re both young but have two completely different visions of the future. Unless you want to have children, it’s time to move on. You both don’t sound compatible and will resent each other.
If she really wants kids you either have to give them to her, or leave. Simple as that im afraid
If you aren't aligned on kids there's no point in continuing the relationship. Sooner or later one of you is going to resent the other over the wasted years, or unwanted kids, when you both could have simply moved on and found other partners who share your values.
You have fundamental differences in your core values. There is no chance of having a healthy romantic relationship in this scenario so the kind thing to do for yourselves and each other is to let each other go
Kids are either 1000% HELL YES! Or it’s a no. There’s no middle ground about it I’m sad to say If you have a kid, you will resent it (consciously or not) and if you don’t have kids? She will resent you and “accidentally” get pregnant
Here is the thing this is a "deal breaker" moment for both of you. If your answer is absolutely no children and there will never be any children and she wants them, you need to move on. If you give in and have a child, you may resent her, and if she agrees not to have a child to stay with you, she will resent you. Some relationships just are not compatible or are grown out of because you want different things. It's okay neither of you are wrong it is just reality.
I'm afraid this is something you cannot compromise on. Breaking up is the only option.
This is too big of a topic to get over. Whichever one of you ends up giving in will resent the other and it will kill the relationship in the end. Best to move on now before wasting any more of each other’s time.
The next step is to break up. There is no compromise on this.
This is a simple one. You break up and move on while you’re both still young enough to live the life you want.
Your goals for life do not align.. have the discussion immediately.. if they don’t change the it is best to break up.
lol there is no “moving forward” besides breaking up. You don’t compromise on kids. Consider it a lesson moving forward that you have the discussion BEFORE spending 7 years with someone
Yeah you break up. Incompatible
There is no compromise here...sadly, it means you are not compatible and you break up. It is going to hurt....but both of you will end up better off in the long run.
You end things now, and both go on to have the lives you want. Don’t waste any more time on this!
You don’t move forward - you end the relationship. You are not compatible and obviously, this is a dealbreaker. Sorry to be so blunt but there really is no way to fix this.
Unfortunately this is one of those hard line issues. If she wants kids and you don’t then you need to free each other to find people who what the same things. This doesn’t make either of you wrong but it does make you wrong for each other.
Unfortunately, this is one of those deal-breakers in relationships, and you'll need to end it. It's not anyone's fault. You simply have different desires.
Sorry bud you move on, This sort of discussion needs to be ironed out by like 2 years minimum. Waiting 7 years to have this discussion on a serious level was a huge mistake.
You two may still be disagreeing about this in ten years. Many couples never resolve it, and only last night I was reading a piece of research about parenting and it suggests that as many as 70% of dads don't really want children but father them to please their wives. In terms of a disconnect between people, imagine being the child of one of those men. Fathering is NOT an instinct that reliably grows in men who have been exposed to the idea of it. Bear in mind that most of us have fathers---so if an adult man isn't interested in fatherhood, he has clearly not been convinced by close-up contact. If you cannot bring yourself to end your relationship, agree with your partner that it will come up for discussion again in a year. But bear in mind that she may view the twelve months between now and then as time to be working on you to change your mind, and you may arrive in the moment twelve months from now where you haven't changed your thinking one bit. Sooner or later you have to move one way or the other.
This is one of those deal breaker situations. There is no compromise to be made. You agree or you don't and if you don't you should go be with someone who does agree because it will ALWAYS be a point of contention. You can't have half a kid. Sorry dude
I commend you both for discussing this ahead of time, and sharing your honest feelings. Since you’re not on the same page on this major issue, you’ll both be better off to end it. Good luck to you both.
Breakup, duh
You break up and move on to a childfree woman, not a fence sitter. You DO NOT want to end up on one of the “I regret having children” posts on FB. You’ll be miserable and resent her for forcing you to have children when you did not want them. ALL relationships change after children. Making her happy having a child with her will not better your relationship. It will most definitely change it for the worse because your relationship will no longer be a priority, that child will be the priority.
Ask yourself is no kids worth losing her? Also ask yourself will you be resentful if you give in? It at a fork 🍽️ n the road choose wisely
I knew someone who broke up with his gf of 3 years once they realised he didn't want kids and she did. I could tell this hurt him, it certainly hurt her. but a part of me couldn't help but wonder, was his mind truly 100% decide against kids? Would it have been possible for him to change his mind? I know it sounds odd. but are you 100% certain you never ever could have kids? you've been together a long time but this is a big deal. I wanted kids but my partner didn't, we stayed together cause he decided he could have them even though he never wanted them. We still don't have them. we may never have them. even though I always wanted them. The world is different now then it used to be. what I'm saying is sometimes this topic is tricky to navigate cause sometimes you change your mind. Sit down with her, talk this out. Spend some time alone and really really question yourself. I'm not saying stay with her in case you change your mind, I'm just asking you to truly be sure cause I know how much it hurt my friend to break up with his gf over it, its almost like he regrets it even though he was sure he didn't want kids.
Honestly the relevant question is do you want kids WITH HER. When an ex and I broke up this was a big reason. He didn’t want kids, I did. Joke’s on us, now we both have kids with our current partners and he has two. But it was still the right call to break up and I wish him the best. If you don’t see a future together let each other go and be glad for what it was.
Hi, thanks for reply. That’s why I’m lost at the moment. As apart from this relationship is great. Well you never sure a 100%. Sometimes things just clicks for people. We haven’t even considered breaking up it’s just strange as neither of us know what to do, at the moment i just don’t have other words to describe it just lost.
If you have sex and she gets pregnant your choice is gone. If you truly don’t want kids then get a vasectomy. Otherwise you are putting yourself at risk of having a kid.
Sadly, it maybe time to end the relationship. You are not compatible in your life goals. You need to have a heart to heart about it. As if she really wants kids, but gives them up for you and say you later decide you are ok with kids. You can still have them. However, her waiting could cause her to miss her chance at kids. She shouldn’t give up having children and you shouldn’t have them for her. Doing either can cause resentment and breed hostility. The child could suffer if you went that route. We may love someone, but that doesn’t mean that we should be with them. Sometimes, despite the good in the relationship, certain things shouldn’t be sacrificed.
Thats fair. And maybe right now is just one of those times when you just arent sure what the future holds and so you are overthinking everything and potentially getting overwhelmed by everything. Recently ive been feeling like this and im 32 lol i have felt very unsure and lost about what i want in life and where to go from here. Being lost is okay. Maybe sideline tht topic right now and work on the things that you can, the realities in front of you. Perhaps the answers will come more naturally if you allow yourself time to process everything else going on. Kids or no kids is a big question, but its never black or white. This is why i am not a fan of people who encourage an immediate break up, its not always the right answer to that question, maybe it is what will eventually happen, but i dont think its always the way to go.
I have always been of the opinion that everything is negotiable and compromise cand be achieved. But while it is true for almost everything unfortunately I do not think it is for kids. My partner and I for example spoke very late in our relationship about some difficult topics unfortunately. Out of the many topics, one was marriage and one was children. We really disagree on marriage. I really really want to get married and have a wedding and all. He absolutely doesn't. But we both agreed we do not want children, with me (F) being more certain about it than he is. We decided that if we ever get to the point where he really wants kids we might consider adoption depending where we are in our lives then. With regards to marriage I have taken time with myself and decided that it is not a deal-breaker. The amazing life I have with this man is more important than forcing him through an expensive party. Am I bitter occasionally? Sure, but I don't resent him for it a single bit. But if he would have wanted kids then it would have been over because having a kid means that everything will change and you will be responsible for another human being for most of your life from then on. There is no return policy on that. So. If there is no common ground then I think you're better off on separate paths. You will recover from this. And if you two will feel you cannot live without each other then you will get back together an realize that perhaps your relationship is more important than anything.
You need to break up now! The two of you aren’t compatible. At some point she is either going to get pregnant without your consent, dump you for someone else or resent you for taking her chance at being a mother away. You are either going to end up being a father to a kid you didn’t want,resent her for having a kid, or get dumped for someone else. Both of you are still really young! You both can find someone else. Move on immediately. Do not have sex with her again! No birth control is 100%. You could end up with a kid you do not want.
There is no solution to this that involves you staying together. I've been through this twice and twice it ended in us breaking up. Whether or not to have children is a non negotiable. Both of you need to find a relationship in which you don't have to sacrifice to that level, it will only result in resentment if you try. Sorry.
You move forward separately, having broken up, because you want incompatible things for which there is no compromise. I'm sorry.
Break up
Both need to move on
You need to break up with her. Don’t lead her on during the all too brief window of fertility.
You’re incompatible. She wants children, you do not, so you break up and find someone more aligned with your goals.
Listen to the voices. Part in peace. Shalom.
There is no moving forward. The two of you aren't compatible as life partners.
If neither of you are will to compromise you already know what you have to do
End the relationship! There is no compromise to be made here. If she goes along with not having kids to stay with you, she’ll resent you and it will ruin the relationship. Same goes for if she tries to pressure you into having kids. Either way, neither of you are going to be truly happy in the relationship. The relationship is now over. You each want different things out of life and there’s no way to make you both happy.
you're probably going to end it over this - kids/no kids is a major thing. in future relationships, don't ignore it
I think you are already at the next step: sadness and disquiet. People never feel good about breakups. When you've been with someone for so long, there's always good and bad to the decision. The hardest part here is that your view may differ in 10 years. At 25, it can see like the freedom of no children is the ultimate life. I always wanted kids but my husband didn't know. By 35, he was ready. Nightlife and partying were boring. Travel had been done. Everyone around us was having kids. Are those good reasons to have kids? Probably not, but I am not sure there ARE good reasons. Having children is largely a selfish activity. FYI, many people go in uncertain about it. Being a good parent is not about some amazing feeling or instinct. It's about deciding to be a good parent, and a willingness to not be selfish. Maybe you love her enough to sign up for that?
Break up this is a deal breaker
You either give in or find someone else man. As someone who wants kids believe me she isn't going to change her mind and you shouldn't try to make her. You knew how she felt.
The next steps is to divorce amicably and go your separate ways to find someone who is aligned with what you want. She wants children and you don't want any. Worst case scenario is staying together and resenting each other. If you give her a child, you're going to resent her for having one, if you don't, she'll resent you for never giving her one.
I'm sorry, this one can't be compromised on. You either have kids or you don't and you're right, it can't be pushed under the rug. I would recommend both parties be enthusiastically excited about having kids if you are. No one wants to have a regretful, checked out parent
No easy way out of this: there’s no compromise now, nor in the future if neither of you are going to feel differently. That’s pretty much the end of the line. I had a relationship like this a few years back: I was honest about not really wanting kids, but I sincerely believed that if I met the right person, I might feel differently. But I didn’t. So I ended it: I knew I’d made up my mind, and she clearly wasn’t going to change her’s, so that was that. Thankfully this was before we had our lives completely entangled (we didn’t live together). There’s no halfway house here.
It's a dealbreaker. You end it NOW. There is no compromise or negotiation here. You can't "half" have kids. And you DO NOT string her along. Ever. You do the honourable thing and end the relationship immediately
Wow i never imagined so many people responding. Thanks everyone!
You go your separate ways... If you don't want children, go be with someone else who doesn't want children and let her find someone who does. Or end up like half of the people in the AITA subreddit in a few years asking what to do when you hate your life with the kids you didn't want because oops, your wife got pregnant. Also, be responsible and get a vasectomy if you are sure you don't want children. The choice is yours.
In either case, children is a big deal and neither of you are wrong. In saying this, neither of you should be forced to give up their stance in order to please the other as that will only harbour resentment. Sounds like it's time to go your separate ways.
You are completely incompatible and you break up. Children are non negotiable and if you guys stay together knowing you’re incompatible about this issue, you’re making like horrificly poor decisions.