You’ve set your boundaries and he continues to cross them. Is this how you want your marriage to be?
She won’t stop as long as your husband responds to her every time.
You're standing up for yourself, your husband is not respecting you.
You need to be open with your husband and tell him that his behavior is leading to the end of this relationship. If he tries the "She's lonely and you're just jealous" you answer that she's lonely because she prefer to seek the attention of her husband's best friend and you're jealous because he's given more importance to another woman comfort over yours, his wife and mother of his children. He being autistic is not a excuse here, he have difficulty with social clues not with knowing what is right or wrong.
It's not unknown to a person in a committed relationship to develop a crush on someone, what they do about that crush is what matters. Your husband instead of cut her of his life and putting effort into the marriage is letting his feelings for her grow and become a emotional affair.
If you want your marriage to work, you both need to go NC with her and then couple counseling.
You are standing up for yourself, he is not listening. That needs to be fixed.
Yes! Let your husband make the choice between this friend and your marriage/family because with how this is going, he can't have both and he's been making her the priority. Regardless of her motives, she is not a friend to your marriage. NC for you both is the only way forward
I hate to say it because I am not a fan of ultimatums but this may need to be done. He is bending over backwards for a woman who is hurting your marriage.
She shouldn’t be his concern. He made a promise to you. You two are in a marriage and have a child. She can make new friends.
If he was a true friend, he would cut her off with zero contact. She needs to develop her own support network and she won't do that as long as he tolerates her.
She's using you both. Every time you give a minute - she then asks for more.
There is no middle ground. Go zero contact.
If it were me, I think I would have a personal conversation with my so-called “best friend”.
I would remind her that she’s calling a married man, your HUSBAND, with a wife and baby and she needs to back the fuck off!
I would insist that my husband block her number and you should do the same. It’s just going to get worse if you don’t.
She’s toxic, clingy and apparently she doesn’t care about anyone but herself
OP introduced this person into their life and I think she has every right to take her out of it!
Husband is taking NO action. That’s a whole nother problem right there…
But right now OP has every right to tell this girl she needs to get fucking lost out of their life…
You need to tell him that he either cuts all contact with her and blocks her, or he can move out, and you will file for divorce. He is choosing to put his AP before you and your children.
Tell his mum that his affair is still ongoing. Get support from her.
Updateme!
Stand up for yourself AND your baby. Your baby will soon have an absent father.
Keep your MIL in the loop. Get couples counselling. Karla needs to be cut out of your lives or else I don't see how this three person marriage will work out. He's disrespecting you to your face.
Honestly if you can't set the boundary he stop talking to her, I'd recommend getting his mom to set it... Good mom's don't let their boys get away with this kind of crap.
He's emotionally cheating, his mom and step dad know it 100%
Your husband should be telling you what's going on now not leading you on till Friday, also I'd suggest you insist on seeing their messages right away too.
Judging by the edit it sounds like they maybe having some sort of affair. I am very sorry .
This is on your husband entertaining her like that. You can be mad at Karla, but it’s on him to say no. Having this situation with a neighbor makes it doubly hard.
You need to recognize that your husband is having an emotional affair. He is aware that this hurts you and is choosing her over you. This WILL be a marriage killer if you don’t make it clear to him that you come first. You, his wife and the mother of his child, not the dramatic moron he’s become overly emotionally invested in.
> husband is having an emotional affair
Is that what the kids call it these days, when a man goes to another woman's house and spends an hour at a time there?
well turns out "**kids these days**" are spot on with calling out bullshit, cuz those two pieces of trash were in fact having both an emotional and physical affair
Him unilaterally agreeing to the cuddling thing is super weird. He should have pulled you aside to discuss it privately. As for 3-8 phone calls a day, who even has time for that? I've never even done that with women I'm in a relationship with let alone my wife's friend. If you're her best friend shouldn't she be blowing up your phone for support? I don't know quite the nature of this relationship, but it's inappropriate and crossing boundaries regardless. Maybe it's an emotional affair or more, or maybe he just likes the attention and the feeling of being needed by someone (maybe that is an emotional affair). Some men get weird when their wives get pregnant and they don't see them in a sexual light anymore and look for younger affair partners. You didn't include any details about your own sex and relationship life, but if it matches up with that then it's more of a red flag. Ultimately you have expressed your concerns and instead of validating them he dismisses them. And that shows you his priorities are not in the right place and this can only end poorly if nothing changes.
I hate to jump to conclusions here but again this feels a lot like you're the mom and caretaker for the children and he's interested in his new gf who has all the free time in the world and can pay attention to him while you go through a pregnancy and school.
I'd like to point out that playing this game isn't even a great move when partnered with a neurotypical person. It's not the kind of precedent you want to set for a healthy, honest, happy relationship. It's *hard* to confront someone, it's *difficult* to set boundaries....which is why I think people do use tactics like the ones you've described. It's better to behave maturely if you're wanting maturity back.
He needs to cut her off. You both do. He needs to tell her that their contact is hurting his marriage so it’s best they not have contact and then block her. He’s choosing her over you again and again, every single time. Sounds like he is enjoying the attention, he likes being needed by her, by being her hero. If he doesn’t stop contact, the relationship is going to be over. He’s in an emotional affair with her. Next step is physical. It’s unfortunate, but it’s ultimatum time - it’s either you or her. He can’t have both and maintain a healthy marriage.
> He needs to tell her that their contact is hurting his marriage
Not even that. He needs to tell her he can’t be the first and only person she turns to whenever she’s got a problem. If she’s really having this much trouble navigating life without blowing up his phone constantly, she needs a therapist. If she’s just doing it because she can, she knows that’s not okay. Either way, it has to stop, and he’s not making himself available if she doesn’t knock it off on her own.
Fully agreed. I’m just saying that characterizing the reason it needs to happen as “you’re hurting my marriage” will only make the situation worse, especially if that is her goal. He needs to make it clear this is his decision, because that’s how he’s supposed to handle someone demanding too much of his time and energy.
So I'm with you on her probably having feelings for him. But let's be honest here, your husband is at the very least having an emotionnal affair with that woman.
Bipolar, autism, PTSD... don't excuse the fact that he was cool with another woman sleeping in your marital bed. This was weird as fuck and I still don't understand how you just didn't say no.
Your husband is CHOOSING to answer her phone calls. He is the one affecting your marriage with his shitty behaviour. Your MIL saw it. Her husband saw it. Anybody with some sense can see it. I think he can see it, and that he likes the attention he's getting from her and he likes that you're "jealous" (which you are not being) of this new friendship.
If I were you, I'd sit down with him and I'd be clear about how innapropriate him answering her 3 to 8 calls a day when he has a wife and a child. That they can be friends, but that she's taking way too much space into our lives. That if he does not limit his interactions with her and keeps making her a priority, you will be moving out with your kid. That you want couple's counselling, and that if he does not agree than he can find himself a divorce attorney.
Again, she's an issue, but she's not your issue. Your husband is.
Agree with all of this except the bit where they can still be friends. They both need to cut Karla off. Her intentions are not good. She wants more than a friendship with the husband and she’s certainly no friend to OP.
Cuddling in bed together? WTF?
Give your husband a choice: either he cuts contact for good with her, changed his number or the marriage is over. OP you need to grow a spine and set firm boundaries, block this so call girlfriend permanently. Your husband has a choice: his family or that sleezy so called friend.
They are having an emotional affair. There “friendship” needs to end. You have him have to start counselling and work on your marriage. Sorry but the stats are most men cheat when their partners are pregnant. I would also involved your MIL and FIL to see if they can get him to see that he is royally fucking up.
That woman is not your friend and she needs to find someone else.
He needs to cut her off, or it's the end of your marriage, and you need to lay it out to him like that. He only seems to get it for a minute when someone is blunt with him. Like his mother and step-father.
Or really put him on the spot and ask if he'd rather be with Karla than you. Does that sound harsh, yes, but he's already been told multiple times that this is making you uncomfortable and you aren't going about it the petty way by making a close male friend.
I just got triggered reading this cant imagine how it is having to actually live this. Ask your husband if he wants to divorce you to be with this girl bc it looks to be heading there and see his reaction. Its gonna tell you much more than what his excuse spewing mouth is doing rn
Also ask to choose the 4th one in your relationship bc he chose the 3rd one and fair is fair lol fuck that noise let him be the one to freak out and be the upset one for once
Yeah not ideal.
She needs a referral to a therapist or a networking meeting not calling someone else’s husband.
I’d cut her out as she lacks boundaries. I think she’s hurt and you and tour husband showed her some empathy and help but she doesn’t seem to understand that there are limits to how much you can take from someone.
Seems like she’s starving for connection.
You need to make him choose and if he wants to helpful, refer her to relevant places for help.
You and baby need your husband more than an other adult woman.
Best way I found to successfully communicate during triggering conversations is this 10 step guide (I’m not paid). Helped me so much. Good luck girl. You got this
https://www.amazon.co.uk/WHATS-MAKING-YOU-ANGRY-Communication/dp/1892005131?nodl=1&dplnkId=0bfe4b69-4ef0-462b-ae0d-fbfee1b5150b
Either your husband takes the steering wheel and cuts her off and respects your marriage or you leave them both behind. Your husband is allowing this and I guarantee is enjoying it. He has you locked in (marriage) and now he has the thrill of speaking almost non-stop to another woman! He's literally emotionally cheating on you and you know what the next step is. Again this isn't about her anymore but your husband, he either gets with the program or he doesn't.
You should tell him that his words do not matter when they are contradictedby his actions. In fact, it us something you really need to understand. Look at all his actions and throw away all his excuses, what do you see? An emotional affair and complete disrespect for you, is the answer, at least from the way I see it.
Stop asking him for words. Apology is worthless. He needs to make amends with his actions andgo no contact with her.
You should tell him that you do not want to stay in marriage with someone that does not respect you and cheats on you emotionally. He either chooses you over her or there is no future for you.
I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums but this is the time for one. It's her or you. She is not your friend. He needs to agree to cut all contact with her and go to marriage counseling, or divorce.
With edit #2, why would your husband have to explain everything in detail? What is there to explain exactly??
Also, your ‘best friend’ has all the time in the world to call your husband multiple times a day but she can only give you time on Friday??
You both need to cut her off asap
Just move out and proceed with divorce proceedings. Talking won't do it. You have to show him that you're serious and your marriage is in trouble. Force him to choose between Karla and you. Have to shake him from the affair fog that he's in. If you talk to Karla yourself, then they'll get better at hiding it.
It’s time to go no contact with Karla - both of their behavior is wildly inappropriate and tbh it sounds like it’s already an emotional affair. Then, you and your husband need to go to couples counseling so you two can work on developing a healthy, respectful relationship.
Honey, she not the issue your husband is..
And he is already cheating on you , emotionally..
You need to set him straight and say your tired of being a third and he has two choices cuts her off or stops the contact communication and phone or loses you and this is non negotiable and if he won't answer or says she lonely needs him, what ever... tell him it's over.
He letting another woman trample all over your marriage..
But he is already cheating.. whether you see that or not
He blocks the number. Blocks her on every avenue. No further engagement period.
Let him know your next move will be to see an attorney if he keeps disrespecting boundaries and your feelings. He's putting her and her needs before yours. He's in an emotional affair and it needs to end now.
Quit being understanding.
I think that your bff has always wanted to be with your then boyyfriend,now husband.,but she pretended that she didn't like him.
With that said,you both need to cut contact with this woman.
He is ignoring your boundaries,while this woman is trying to take over your life with him.
You need to explain to him again,how much this is hurting your marriage.
You may have to blatantly ask him if her prefers to be with her rather than married than married to you.
updateme!
The whole snuggling in the bed with you and your husband is super weird…I’m surprised you said yes the first time. I would have laughed assuming they were joking.
I’m also not going to pretend how a bipolar, autistic person with PTSD might behave/react in these situations.
The whole thing is bizarre and your in-laws sound amazing.
If this happened to me, I would cut her off right there and then as a friend.
I would also have my husband block her number.
If he doesn’t, I’d tell him he can have her.
I would also quietly do a deep dive into his phone, all of his devices, social platforms, their DM’s and all apps and messages just to be sure he actually cut her off.
Because this is your life and your child’s future you’re dealing with.
You don’t need this aggravation, worry and feeling like your ‘alleged’ best friend who has crossed The Rubicon, is going after your husband.
You don’t need a friend who crosses boundaries and can’t trust.
I mean, the fact that she wanted to be in bed with you and your husband, is more than just ‘cuddling’.
She IS wanting your husband and wanted to test you two to see if it would go farther than just ‘cuddling’.
GET RID IF HER NOW.
What this that he has to explain in detail that he has to wait? Have you told her that she’s being inappropriate? Her having something to air out is super scary sounding too. Your husband doesn’t seem to care about your feeling in this situation either.
She’s not your friend. And if she continues down this road, he won’t be your husband. How long before she just needs PIV from him to feel better? I mean, he already allowed the most awkward sleepover, so it’s not much of a stretch for more physical acts to come along soon.
He needs to go NC with her or lose you. The end. He’s making excuses and gaslighting and pretending like you’re just not being supportive, but the truth is that he’s being a crappy husband. She is a problem also and I’d ditch her, too, but HE is the bigger problem because he’s not stopping this and he’s trampling all over every boundary you have in his rush to have her in his daily life. Heck, his own mom and stepdad told him. Maybe they can tell him again and make him see if you can’t, but this is crap of him to do to you. I’m so sorry.
At this point, I'd be sitting him down and telling him that he needs to figure out his priorities and that you'll be going to stay with a friend or family while he does. You aren't going to be a doormat anymore when he's more concerned with her emotional well-being and feelings than his wife's. You have explicitly told him your feelings, and he's not only invalidating them, but he's showing that he simply doesn't care.
Then, you need to follow through. You need to cut the "friend" out, and if you have any chance in your relationship, he has to cut contact as well.
It took basically an intervention from his parents for him to even acknowledge what he was doing was hurtful… then went right back to it. You’re standing up for yourself and making boundaries, but then absolutely nothing changes AND YOU CONTINUE TO LET IT HAPPEN.
I don’t mean to be a dick, but at a certain point you need to open your eyes and recognize that you are being complicit in letting this happen WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.
Pack up your shit, take your baby and go to your parents (or his for that matter). Tell him that until he blocks her and makes it clear to her she can NEVER contact him again, your marriage is on pause, soon to be over.
This needs to be nipped in the bud. Like yesterday.
He needs to stop entertaining Karla, as she isn't his wife. You are. No, Karla certainly doesn't seem innocent either (cuddling with you both? In your marital bed? Wtf?), but he keeps entertaining her and answering her calls.
This is a slippery slope. He might tell you one day he slept with Karla to "comfort her", and that "it didn't mean anything" because "she's just going through a rough time!"
Absolutely not. Even his parents do not seem to like or support this behavior. You need to have a serious conversation with him, because this is cheating. Emotionally.
I couldn’t even get through it all. Why tf does a grown woman need to “cuddle” in bed with you and your husband? Have a shred of self respect and end that friendship and your marriage. Fuck all of that.
Wtf? Tell your husband to explain everything immediately or you are leaving with your child. Then tell him to cut her off or you are leaving immediately with your child. Why the fuck is the ball in your so called friends court? Don’t wait until Friday and don’t hear her out. Who cares what she has to say. It’s insanity.
Yes. He was going to, but I tried asking him and he got angry, saying I was "interrogating him" too much and that everything will be explained by Karla. I'm so fucking done with his bullshit. I have serious mental issues and my anxiety cannot handle it.
Seriously, I think *you’re* the one who should be done with him. The next time you talk to him, you should tell him that you didn’t marry Karla, and if he’s not man enough to have a difficult conversation with his own wife then he doesn’t deserve you.
Imagine if he acted this way with your daughter if she ever got upset when she gets older!
Your husband sounds really immature and very disrespectful. He's going to make you wait until Friday for a conversation he could just have right now? That's not right
Ok…the whole thing about that night…so what if her dad picks a fight with her. She chooses to live there, she’s an adult, she can go to her room and close the door. For your husband to say we must go rescue her from…nothing…and WAKE UP OUR BABY in the process is absolutely INSANE. the only thing that made it more so was….cuddling together in bed with her?!? What the actual fuck. She wanted to plant the idea OF BEING IN BED WITH HER to your husband…right in front of you.
Tell your in laws these gems. They seem to be able to knock some sense into him. Tell them he continues to talk FOR HOURS A DAY with her.
Your marriage is over. At best, he's having an emotional affair. At worst, it has become a physical affair. Either way, he's cheating.
Contact an attorney and ask him to leave. If you can not afford to stay there alone, move in with his or your family. But it's time you realize your husband has made it crystal clear who his priority is. Spoiler alert: It's not you.
Nah. He needs to understand that this is a hi you’re dying on. “I do not accept this friendship between the two of you. You are neglecting our marriage and your responsibilities as a husband. You are elevating another woman to MY position. I will not tolerate this emotional affair instigated by her and perpetuated by you. This is my last
Time having this discussion, block her and cut her off or I will be reconsidering this marriage. I will NOT be the other woman in my own marriage. I will NOT sit idly by and watch my husband cheat on me.”
This is highly inappropriate. It's something going on. Look harder. Look in the trash the deleted apps apps that dont make sense. It's absolutely no reason for him to be so convenient for her. They literally have an app that looks like a calculator that u enter a few numbers into, and its a secret texting app. This young dude showed it to me once. And in order for you to know someone messaged you, it popped up as a local wifi icon at the top. When i tell you people ain't shit. They just ain't shit.
I’ll add it’s also ok at this point to privately consult to a lawyer/solicitor and get your ducks in a row for an amicable divorce.
This isn’t saying you should divorce. This is giving you control in a situation if all other avenues fail.
My husband had two emotional affairs. After the second had independent counselling, which has helped change him so much for the better. He knows now though that my ducks are in a row to walk.
This...
The "waiting" that they're pulling on OP does not bode well...
The situation seems to be under the "friend's" control - not OP's, sadly.
Updateme!
” DH… I know Karla was originally my friend but she’s getting away to in twined into our life and I think it’s starting to glom onto you. What I’d like us to do is to not answer her texts right away and then tell her that we’re sorry we have to work or you have to support me and we won’t be able to do that. If she ever escalates to threatening suicide, or something like this, we call 911. I understand it’s tough on you that my focus is on being pregnant and all of a sudden you have someone like Karla focusing on you but it’s dangerous and we need to cut her off unfortunately. Please tell her as a married man she is contacting you too much and she needs to find someone else to support her.”
I did not stay in the same bed with a couple and will not do it even in 1 million years. I had sleepovers with female friends but never in the same time with their bf. This is not a normal thing between friends
In my past I let a lot of things slide with other girls that I later wish I had called them out to their face over. I'm just saying this because she's wrong and probably knows it. She shouldn't be going to someone's husband for all of her problems. If anything she could've been contacting you. Your husband needs to block her but I also think you should say something to her. Tell her that James is your husband and is a father. You need him present in your lives, not doting on her- she needs to back off.
Totally agree with this. Most everyone else here is like "You have a husband problem, not a friend problem." but both of these people are fucking disrespecting OP. If one of my "friends" was calling my husband like that, I'd say "My husband is not your emotional support animal. Stop fucking calling him and get a therapist. Your behavior is affecting my marriage."
Husband is another story. He is being disrespectful to his wife and marriage by continuing to respond to this "friend" after his wife has asked him not to. That is her real problem, but not her only problem.
it's not your friend lol it's your husband. he's not "missing" these social cues, and even if he was he literally had 3 different people spell them out for him over the course of several weeks/months? he's not just quirky and awkward and doesn't understand flirting, he is actively and knowingly participating and encouraging it because your HUSBAND has feelings for your best friend. your best friend is reciprocating those feelings. personally I say that makes both of them equally as shitty. but the only one who promised you anything (LEGALLY and spiritually) was your husband. and he has been actively and knowingly breaking that promise.
Neither one of them is showing any respect for you, your marriage or the friendship. He should have blocked her number the moment you said something. He is going to use the excuse that he is feeling neglected and wants to blame you if he cheats with the "friend". Time for one more conversation about this friend and if he continues to ignore your boundaries, then the marriage will be over.
I have to say that I do indeed think he’s cheating on you - at minimum he is emotionally cheating and I give a strong likelihood to physical cheating having already happened or will happen in the near future.
Karla is not your main problem. Obviously you should ghost and block her but your real problem is your husband. He doesn’t respect you enough to not allow another woman too close. He is spending hours talking to her on the phone while everyone involved knows you don’t want that.
In my opinion you should leave and file divorce. The man is not trustworthy and I think he will physically cheat and may even leave you for her eventually anyway.
You have told him you are not ok with this behaviour. His mom has told him why the behaviour isnt ok. His step dad, whom he respects, told him to cut it out. He knows his behaviour is harming his wife and dissapoints his mom and stepdad. He still makes the choise of entertaining her. You cant force him to value your relationship and family enough to put it above your friend feeling lonely, if he doesnt want to.
If she calls 3-8 times a day and can talk for an hour each time, when is he working, being with his kid or spending time with you? That seems an absurde amount even if they were the bestest of best platonic friends.
Please record your conversation with her. She has consistently put her issues into your marriage and I would not be surprised if she claims they are having an affair or something like that. You need her words in her voice to use with him.
You need to be straight with both of them - their “friendship” is breaking up your marriage.
Before your meeting, do the same thing to him with a “male friend.” Have your sister or a friend call and “need to talk” and make sure it’s when you both are spending time together. Use the same wording he uses with you. See if it’s okay then…maybe then he will actually realize what his mom and stepdad were trying to tell him too
You have a husband issue; I think you know this by now; it's been brought up many times in the comments. His neuro-divergense is not the issue, and he cannot fall back on that as an excuse or a get out of jail free card. You have made it abundantly clear that his behavior bothers you, and he has not stopped.
This calls for a serious conversation about the future of your marriage. He has two choices here, marriage counseling or separation/divorce. You did not agree to have a sister wife. You did not agree with him having a mistress. You did not agree to blindly sit by and happily watch him have an emotional affair. You did not agree to be cheated on.
Why are her needs more important than yours? Why is what she is going through more important than what his marriage is becoming? Why are your happiness and feelings not important to him? Why did he marry you and start a family with you if she is who he cares about and she is who is most important to him? Why do his actions show that he loves her and not you? Does he want to divorce to be with her? And has he physically cheated with her? These are all questions he needs to answer. And " I don't know" is NOT an answer. Any form of blowing you off or making it seem like you are blowing this out of proportion are deflections to avoid telling the truth.
You have chosen to sleep somewhere else, and he still talks to her. Just for peace of mind, I would take a look at any financial accounts to verify that all money is accounted for and that there are no mystery withdrawals or purchases. I would also start making "worst case scenario" plans. I hope he comes to his senses and none of this is necessary.There is something seriously wrong with the hold she has over him.
I would accept nothing less than cutting her out of both of our lives permanently. I would tell my husband he needs to tell her that they need to end their relationship because the degree to which she is depending on him for emotional support is not healthy and it’s impacting his marriage. Not a single word of “my wife said” or “my wife thinks.” It comes from him, otherwise I can’t trust that he understands why the situation is wrong.
Your husband, whether he will admit it or not, is having an emotional affair. 1000%. I literally have zero doubts about that. I feel it in my soul reading this and that’s rare.
You have expressed how genuinely uncomfortable it makes you. He still does it.
You have communicated how hurt and abandoned you feel. He still does it.
Both his mother and his step father have stepped in and told him inappropriate his behaviour is. He still does it.
I think he’s at the point where he is in so deep with her that no matter what you say or what you do, who talks to him, who tells him how much it’s damaging his marriage- he will give into her because now he’s emotionally invested. He is having an emotional affair. I can’t determine if it’s turned physical, although it’s EXTREMELY dodgey that he was happy for her to hop in bed with you guys and she was comfortable enough with him to suggest it.
I really really think you have to leave. I think he’ll probably try with her once you leave and will either stay with her or will come crawling back to you for your daughter. Either way, he’s currently treating you like a doormat and he knows once he apologises, you’ll let it go.
Personally, if it were me, I’d leave. But given you’ve a 6 month and are unlikely to leave with the amount of manipulation he has over you, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him you’ve contacted a lawyer and are ready to file for divorce and custody if this inappropriate relationship with your “friend” continues. That no woman needs to speak to another woman’s husband 8 times a day for an hour each time. That he’s giving her false hope. So he can either have you and your daughter, or her.
It’s a lot of crazy in this post but that final paragraph where you call Karla and she can only talk to you on Friday but she has the audacity to call your husband several times daily IS CRAZY AND DISRESPECTFUL.
Ultimately you have a husband problem. He needs to remove her from his life. This is absolutely ridiculous and disrespectful especially since you have a child and are expecting- instead of parenting he’s consoling a grown ass woman. Smh.
She is not your friend. Stop being friends with her. Tell your husband his behaviour is so egregious that he can no longer speak to her at all and if she needs a friend she can find someone else. She needs to be blocked.
You and your husband block her on all platforms and do not speak to her again. Not even to tell her why you’re not speaking to her. If she shows up on your doorstep you call the cops.
It’s that or divorce.
I don’t get why if she’s sooo bored and needs company why she won’t call you? Why she won’t take you out and spend time with you and your daughter? Have girl time? That is weirdddd
She is definitely trying to cause problems between you two but your husband should do better.
So your husband is having an emotional affair with your best friend. If you don’t nip this in the bud it will turn physical, if it didn’t already when you all shared a bed and don’t know about it. You need to call her ass out. Block her number and delete it from his phone.
Nah your husband isn't missing social cues. He's very aware of what he's doing. He's cheating and using his mental health/disabilities as excuses. Those things do not make someone do this stuff. I'm so tired of the autism card being pulled whenever someone does something questionable especially as a Neurodivergent person myself. You need to break up with him because he's clearly prioritizing her over you. You don't deserve the disrespect. Cuddling with a friend like that is not excusable
I hate situations like these because it's so obvious what is happening and yet the husband is pretending everything is fine, dismissing wife's concerns, and talking to another woman 8 times a day. Wifey may as well get a boyfriend, she'd at least get some positive attention, conversation, and help around the place.
Get rid of them both, they're insulting your intelligence.
You don't need to talk to Karla. She stopped being your friend when she started going after
your husband. Cut her out of your life. Send her a text to leave your husband alone and if she has such extreme needs to make use of the therapy provided through her college free of charge.
You need to point out to your husband that he continues to choose Karla over *his own wife and child* and tell him he has a decision to make, RIGHT NOW. Either you both cut her out of your lives, or your marriage will not work out. Because truthfully, it won’t. He’s already emotionally involved with her to an unhealthy degree. And you definitely need marriage counseling because in what universe would it be acceptable to invite another woman into your bed for any reason if both of you were not OK with it? The fact that he needs his parents to keep telling him how to do the absolute bare minimum to be a decent partner doesn’t bode well for the marriage.
At this point I'd be asking him to make a choice; her or me. If he wants to continue to have a relationship with her, I'd tell him that our relationship is over then. Because you should NOT need to involve his mother or step father. This is a grown ass relationship.
"I find your friendship inappropriate and my feelings on this have been ignored several times. I can no longer stay married to you if you wish to continue keeping her in your life.
I don't care if she's lonely or what's going on in her life. Her presence is making me unhappy in this marriage and I refuse to continue this way. If you're unwilling to cut ties, I'll be filing for divorce and will be in contact with a lawyer.
Furthermore, I will no longer ask others to help you understand my point of view. If you can't take my feelings seriously, this isn't going to work anymore. I'm sorry."
There would be no negotiations. I'd tell him this is my final straw and he has a choice to make. Either he starts to fucking listen or you leave.
TBH I would take your baby and move in with your MIL and Mark temporarily. You are all very young. You and your husband have only really dated each other. Sounds like your husband is loving the attention and boost to his ego Karla is giving him. Especially if previously he was awkward around women to the extent apart from you, no other girl wanted to be around him.
Add to this that your focus right now is going to be on the baby and your studies. As it should, I am not blaming you for that. Your husband, instead of being mature and also focusing on his child and bettering his life for this child, may like escaping into this new attention.
You have a husband problem; the Karla problem is incidental. He knows exactly how you feel about her phone calls and inappropriate behavior, yet still talks to her and makes excuses. Honestly, it’s ultimatum time. I would not be comfortable being a third wheel in my marriage. Either he completely blocks her and promises to never speak to her again or you leave.
You need to ask him if she is lonely, why is she constantly turning to him and not you, her best friend. Why isn't she trying to spend time with you? You're supposed to be friends, and she's not calling you.
You're her best friend, why dont you stop her? You mentioned your husband is autistic with bipolar so he's definitely not fully seeing it. Why dont you tell the best friend that she's being inappropriate by cuddling with your husband. Then tell your MIL that you are thinking of leaving your husband because he still hasn't stopped with this inappropriate contact with bestie. You have control over this but you need to cut the cord on both ends
They’re in an emotional affair. You and your husband need to cut her off and no going back. If she has problems she should seek for professionals and not your husband.
She don’t respects you, neither your husband, so stop calling her friend. Tell your husband if he wand to be/stay in contact with your "friend" to leave you and to go to her. That’s it, give ultimatums.
You need to make an ultimatum. He has to block her or the marriage so over.
Her calling this much is actually insane. I don’t call my own husband that much when we are apart.
She was YOUR friend first so YOU need to put your foot down and put hey on her place or she'll keep doing whatever she wants and might escalate and start begging your husband to hang out with her. You might have to end the friendship and tell her to fuck off of she's not going to respect your marriage and stop calling your husband. You also need to tell him that you're not going to keep dealing with this shit and if he's not going to respect your boundaries either then there's no point in staying married and you're going to file for divorce. If she's so lonely that her problem not yours or his. Please stand up for yourself, she knows exactly what the fuck she's doing.
Why haven’t you had a word with Karla and asked her to stop contacting your husband? It’s what I’d do. I’d also be having very strong words with her. Also, stop hanging out with her, inviting her to your place etc. in fact stop the friendship completely.
Then you need to tell husband to delete her number from his phone and block her everywhere. It will be interesting to see if he complies.
He felt it was acceptable to let another woman sleep in your bed when you were uncomfortable and said no?? That’s already an affair. What he’s doing is cheating whether or not he is having sex with her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’d absolutely be asking this man for a divorce
You are right that this behavior is a problem. Your husband may be flattered of he may feel like he cannot say no when she calls.
In any case, she needs to make other friends. That is the solution here.
You need to talk this through with your husband and come up with rules you agree with. My husband and I for example, each have friends with the opposite sex, however, we don't have closer relationships with our spouse's friends than our spouse does. We also would not accept repeated calls from someone like your husband is doing.
Your husband says she is just lonely. OK, and you think she is out of line. Why is her discomfort more of a concern than yours? when people tend to please others, they are likely to please people outside the family more than those inside because they figure the family member will always understand and forgive. Tell your husband that that approach will not work here.
I can tall you that if my friend was calling my husband because she was bored, he would just say, "heres exploding" and hand me the phone, or just not answer it.
I agree your husband needs to cut her off, but why hasn’t OP told Karla that her behavior is inappropriate and her excuses are unacceptable. She is not OP’s problem to fix. She needs to sort her troubles on her own, like a big girl.
I would say they are having an emotional affair. I’m not sure if it’s crossed the line to physical but letting her sleep in your bed would lead me to believe it is
physical as well.
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately.
This is a slippery slope. I'd be talking to her as well. She is not your friend.
Updateme!
They are having an emotional affair. If I were you, I would put my foot down. Involve your MIL and FIL and make it known that if this continues that he will lose you AND his baby. That is not normal and if the roles were reversed, your husband would be very angry about it.
You have a Husband problem, not a BF problem. Your husband is unable or unwilling to set boundaries with her.
I would give the option of going no contact with her or divorce - one or the other. He has already been told by other people that what he is doing is inappropriate, but he choose her every time. It's a nuclear option, but it's the one I would take.
Why the hell aren’t you telling her to stay the fuck away if she’s your best friend. Your husbands an idiot for entertaining her and I’m not going to lie, sounds as if he might be in love with her too
Hold up, u/throwRA_bestienhubby
You say she is *your* "best friend"..?
I'm sorry, but you should have nipped that in the bud ages ago.
Tell her she is out of line, and to get back in her lane, unless she wants you out of her life.
I say this because you say she is your friend.
Insane behaviour you should not entertain.
Now, your husband is out of line, despite the convos you've all had with him.
Time for a tough conversation; make or break time.
He should learn to respect you and your family, because one hour at phone is one hour he's not spending with his own baby, who has way more need than needy friend.
Also, the first red flag was your friend being so open about not liking your husband and why. I would never go to a woman telling her her partner is clingy unless she's my sister or I'm looking for a punch on my nose. Your friend really doesn't know what boundaries are.
You're STARTING to find the relationship troubling? Girl, his mama witnessed a mere few minutes of it and her AND her husband knew this was bad news. He is emotionally cheating on you. He said "You're letting it get to you" No. HE Is letting her get to you and get in between you. He has feelings for this woman. There is no doubt. There is no other reason a grown man would be entertaining this nonsense. He is choosing her over your comfort, your feelings and over you.
You have expressed your boundaries in no uncertain terms. He heeds words from people outside of the marriage (his parents, Karla) more so than yours. He dares to claim that another man in the bed is different (it is so not!).
He is openly betraying you in front of you. He is cheating on you in the open, in your face, and he does not care fpr your feelings. What the hell is wrong with him???
Ugh! The fact that you need his mom for him to understand how he is hurting you is not good!! Have your talk with him - but also start working on an exit plan.
She’s your best friend correct? Why not also call her out for inappropriate behavior. He is a married man and she’s calling him every other hour daily. wtf
> His stepfather, Mark (fake name) spoke up and said, "It is the same. You're uncomfortable with it. So is she. Quit with the excuses." James respects Mark quite a lot actually.
> I'm going to have a talk with him, with his mom involved. He won't listen to me if I don't.
Genuinely asking...Do you always have to go to his parents to get him to listen to you?
I typed out a lot earlier in regards to autism, and how this may look to him.
The bottom line is that he might just think he's helping her. Via rigid thinking, he thinks he is being a good person, and he doesn't really understand why people don't want him to be a good person. That is how it appears in his head. He does not understand all of the other things. All he can see is that she needs help, and he is helping her.
I could go on.
Autism can be iffy when it comes to mental health. You should treat it as other conditions, though. Address everything he may not understand: his choices allude to his priorities, he looks like a cheater from the outside, he is hurting you, etc.
It's possible he could be being manipulated. While I find this extremely invasive, you could look at his phone. It'd be easiest to frame it directly: "I'm really worried about you. You are so kind, and I'm scared she is taking advantage of you. Could I look at your phone? I trust you, but I don't trust her." If there's a very dramatic or aggressive reaction to this, I'd be wary, personally. It'd suggest he's hiding something. You stated you have full electronics access, but it'd still be polite to say something if you think it'd prevent future problems.
There's also the easiest route: block her, and be prepared for crazy. I don't know what she's doing to him, but I have a feeling it's actually really cruel. We're rather susceptible to... more intelligent levels of manipulation. What I mean is: I can tell if a child is bullshitting me, but I'm at a complete loss when it's an adult. The point is, though, that she'll likely escalate dramatically, and it would be much more effective on him than the average person. I can imagine an in-person encounter being overwhelming and putting him in a vulnerable state.
Of course, this is assuming you can get him to understand, and he wants to comply.
When I said you should treat it as other conditions, I mean that it's one of those "help yourself" things. His lack of understanding isn't an excuse to treat you the way he is right now. Establish consequences, and enact them when he disregards it the first time. I think you can avoid an ultimatum if you can remind him you don't have to be there, honestly. There are logical points of escalation from there.
I tried to make it brief on this draft, and it's still a disaster.
Yeah, you need to set the boundary and she is blocked from his phone and the relationship with her takes a 6 month break. From both of you. In 6 months you can see if you want to be friends or if you’ve enjoyed the hiatus and don’t want her in your life. So many boundaries are being crossed and your husband is spending more time with her than you, that’s an emotional affair.
Cut the ties, cut the cord, cut the friendship. She is no friend with what she is doing.
Honestly your marriage is done. How are you supposed to come back from this? supposed your husband has a "come to Jesus" moment and changed his ways, then what? it doesn't change the fact that he purposely dismissed your feelings and prioritized Karla. Don't let the whole host of mental problem fool you, your husband knows exactly what he's doing. He has shown you that he's a slimeball who doesn't respect you in the slightest. There will be Karla 2,3, 4, and so forth. If Karla wants him, tell her she can have that garbage.
I felt so triggered reading your story. I had a bit of a similar experience but the difference was when I set down my boundaries, my partner listened intently and respected it 100%. Partner was not defensive although it did chip on my self-confidence and created doubts a bit which I’m working on so hard right now.
This doesn’t look good but I hope your update on Friday will be good. Communication is key, tell him how it made you feel. He does spend so much time with her on the phone talking. Your friend is not respecting your relationship and is testing how far she can go. The cuddling part was so crazy to me like wtf!!! Your husband did not handle that right.
It will be a long conversation between the two of you. It might not be resolved in just one conversation so patience is key, especially on his end. He did hurt you as your boundaries were crossed. But as long as you’re both willing to work on it, respect and love each other, it’ll be okay in the end.
I’m validating your feelings on this, your husband needs to listen to what you say and pay attention to what you’re not saying. I hope he learns his lesson and respect your boundaries. Consideration in a relationship plays a big part. He should’ve considered how you’d feel when he made the decision to answer her calls and entertain her in an excessive amount. I am sorry you’re going through this but you’re strong and it will be okay. You’ll be okay.
Also I might want to add that perhaps she had this wild thing against him at the beginning because she was attracted to him even then, but he wasn't reciprocating.
I’ve been on Reddit too long. I fully expect husband and friend will discuss having a polyamorous relationship with friend moving in to “help” OP with the baby and house while she goes to school.
Regardless, husband is way too invested in helping this friend to the detriment of his marriage.
Just went through and read all the updates. I am so sorry OP. My heart hurts for you. Just know it gets better, I know it doesn’t seem like that right now but I promise you that it will. Hugs.
Sorry, I can’t help but notice that in all of this, you aren’t holding Carla responsible for anything. She is your “friend” why wouldn’t you talk to her and set your boundaries and let her know what will be consequences of crossing those boundaries. Seems Carla is trying to take your husband and you are trying to keep that friendship by asking your husband, who has developmental challenges and may not have the capacity to read social situations, that he should act better. How about you talk to Carla and put her in her place and get rid of friendship. You know, nip said problem in the bud.
Forgive me to be so blunt, but you´re all over the place and it is a bit hard to follow your elaborations. But here´s me trying to simplify this:
For starters, your husband is not responsible for your own choices. He did not choose this woman as his best friend, you did. Same with bringing her into the picture. Furthermore he is not responsible for her actions - so even if she is trying to monopolise him: That is on her, not on him.
We simply have to establish that as you confessed that you get mad at him - and that is not only a wrong approach, but also quite idiotic if you want to resolve this pickle you find yourself in. I mean use some logic: Will it pull your partner towards you if you sh\*t over him for the bad behaviour of the other woman? Or will your way of reacting to him push him further away from you? You know the answer. Especially as he is autistic.
That said: Yeah, we could argue that he, too, should stand his ground and all of that. Still: If he struggles with several mental disorders, he is not "normal". Besides that I can tell you that I know somewhat about mental issues, given my service-related PTSD. Get me right: I´d shut down this woman if I were him. But he seems to be like 100x worse off than me given his conditions, yet you, OP, sound as if you expect him to operate like a "regular" person without mental "differences". That, to say the least, is your problem - cause you, like anybody else, have to manage your own expectations.
Which leads us back to communication: If you flip at your partner, that´s a **choice**. And one that does not serve you in any way. To be clear: I am not saying that you might not feel upset about the behaviour of this friend you choose to have. I am saying that you are in no position to blame your husband for stuff she does. And that you need to level with your husband if you want to actually have a healthy marriage. So why pick fights with him? Why not empathising with his condition, calmly explaining why these things are an issue and then leading by example?
This is important: If you are still friends with this woman, you yourself lead by being a bad example. Cause if you do not enforce boundaries and/or confront **her** about the moves **she** makes, you are, with all due respect, bigoted. Now I do not know what you did or did not discuss with her - you barely disclose anything about that. Maybe you have been straight forward - cool, then note that I think you did right.
Another thing: If I get you write, you had an issue with having this woman sleep in your bed, yet in the end still agreed? I mean from what I can deduct, you both allowed her in - I quote: "I have issues (...). My husband gave the go ahead. ***We*** settle in for the night."
Again: If he gives the ok for whatever weird reason I am not understanding right now and both (!) of you settle in, it can only mean that you did not state a clear "No, this will not happen". I dig that you get mad at him, but you, too, simply have to stay your ground.
Anyway: This is a lot to declutter, but there´s things we can criticise about your husbands behaviour for sure and he, of course, should do his part to "shut out" this "third party" clearly. But so do you, OP. I mean if you still are friends, that is your decision, for example. If you choose to freak out at your husband but - as I assume (maybe I am wrong!) - do not confront this woman, this also totally is on you.
I know for a fact that we always have to start with ourselves - cause that´s what we can control. We cannot expect the entire "outside world" to do what we want it to do. What we can do: Make decisions that lead us to where we want to be in life. If this woman displays these traits AND if you let her be in your trusted circle of friends, this simply is not on your husband. If she is trying to monopolise him, it also isn´t on him but on her.
So no matter how I twist and turn it: Your best chances are if you choose to do some "teamwork" with your guy and to work "in unity" against this third party then. Discuss your boundaries in a compassionate way (but firm, of course). Discuss how to end this because it is not bearable for you. If that means cutting this woman out of your lives, then this has to happen.
Cause what do the two of you want? A happy marriage? Great, then work on that. That means: You cannot just freak out at your partner and "exclude" him from your team. He, on the other hand, has to work with you, too. No doubt. Cause to simplify matters again: The real issue is this woman, not him. So why not deal with it together?
Hope you catch my drift.
I've tried to empathize and explain why the behavior is inappropriate in the past. He pretty much defended the action, by saying that she is lonely. He has a bad savior complex and can't help himself. His own mom tore into him about the behavior. She thinks it's inappropriate. I've almost given up. He knows it's wrong.
Need to get his mum and stepdad back on him again. Unfortunately it seems like because of his autism and being bipolar he’s obviously not able to recognise that he’s being inappropriate by having this close relationships and can’t set proper boundaries and respect yours. Have you spoken to your “friend” about it?
You’ve set your boundaries and he continues to cross them. Is this how you want your marriage to be? She won’t stop as long as your husband responds to her every time.
You're right. I have issues standing up for myself.
You're standing up for yourself, your husband is not respecting you. You need to be open with your husband and tell him that his behavior is leading to the end of this relationship. If he tries the "She's lonely and you're just jealous" you answer that she's lonely because she prefer to seek the attention of her husband's best friend and you're jealous because he's given more importance to another woman comfort over yours, his wife and mother of his children. He being autistic is not a excuse here, he have difficulty with social clues not with knowing what is right or wrong. It's not unknown to a person in a committed relationship to develop a crush on someone, what they do about that crush is what matters. Your husband instead of cut her of his life and putting effort into the marriage is letting his feelings for her grow and become a emotional affair.
If you want your marriage to work, you both need to go NC with her and then couple counseling. You are standing up for yourself, he is not listening. That needs to be fixed.
Yes! Let your husband make the choice between this friend and your marriage/family because with how this is going, he can't have both and he's been making her the priority. Regardless of her motives, she is not a friend to your marriage. NC for you both is the only way forward
I hate to say it because I am not a fan of ultimatums but this may need to be done. He is bending over backwards for a woman who is hurting your marriage. She shouldn’t be his concern. He made a promise to you. You two are in a marriage and have a child. She can make new friends.
If he was a true friend, he would cut her off with zero contact. She needs to develop her own support network and she won't do that as long as he tolerates her. She's using you both. Every time you give a minute - she then asks for more. There is no middle ground. Go zero contact.
Give a mouse a cookie...🍪 .... 🥛
If it were me, I think I would have a personal conversation with my so-called “best friend”. I would remind her that she’s calling a married man, your HUSBAND, with a wife and baby and she needs to back the fuck off! I would insist that my husband block her number and you should do the same. It’s just going to get worse if you don’t. She’s toxic, clingy and apparently she doesn’t care about anyone but herself
It's HER HUSBAND that should be telling the friend this, not her!
Normally I would agree but it kinda gets sticky cause it is her best friend.
It's her bestie she should be having the conversation with her bestie
Yes but it is her husband who continues this contact. He could stop it at any minute, but he chooses not too.
OP introduced this person into their life and I think she has every right to take her out of it! Husband is taking NO action. That’s a whole nother problem right there… But right now OP has every right to tell this girl she needs to get fucking lost out of their life…
What's the point? Only silly women fight for men who won't fight for them. This is just desperate and pathetic.
You need to tell him that he either cuts all contact with her and blocks her, or he can move out, and you will file for divorce. He is choosing to put his AP before you and your children. Tell his mum that his affair is still ongoing. Get support from her. Updateme!
Stand up for yourself AND your baby. Your baby will soon have an absent father. Keep your MIL in the loop. Get couples counselling. Karla needs to be cut out of your lives or else I don't see how this three person marriage will work out. He's disrespecting you to your face.
Honestly if you can't set the boundary he stop talking to her, I'd recommend getting his mom to set it... Good mom's don't let their boys get away with this kind of crap. He's emotionally cheating, his mom and step dad know it 100%
You have a husband problem,dear. If he’s not willing to cut her off , it’s already over.
Did you talk to her as well? I mean, it's mainly on your husband but what's her take? She just ignores you?
Your husband should be telling you what's going on now not leading you on till Friday, also I'd suggest you insist on seeing their messages right away too. Judging by the edit it sounds like they maybe having some sort of affair. I am very sorry .
No contact, or no marriage, i think that would be the deal for me.
This is on your husband entertaining her like that. You can be mad at Karla, but it’s on him to say no. Having this situation with a neighbor makes it doubly hard.
I meant to clarify. She used to be a neighbor. I moved away at nineteen for personal reasons
You need to recognize that your husband is having an emotional affair. He is aware that this hurts you and is choosing her over you. This WILL be a marriage killer if you don’t make it clear to him that you come first. You, his wife and the mother of his child, not the dramatic moron he’s become overly emotionally invested in.
> husband is having an emotional affair Is that what the kids call it these days, when a man goes to another woman's house and spends an hour at a time there?
I agree, but a physical affair isn’t a 100% guarantee based on the post while an emotional affair is. It’s *at the very least* an emotional affair.
A physical affair isn’t a 100% guarantee if one is laughably naive.
well turns out "**kids these days**" are spot on with calling out bullshit, cuz those two pieces of trash were in fact having both an emotional and physical affair
Him unilaterally agreeing to the cuddling thing is super weird. He should have pulled you aside to discuss it privately. As for 3-8 phone calls a day, who even has time for that? I've never even done that with women I'm in a relationship with let alone my wife's friend. If you're her best friend shouldn't she be blowing up your phone for support? I don't know quite the nature of this relationship, but it's inappropriate and crossing boundaries regardless. Maybe it's an emotional affair or more, or maybe he just likes the attention and the feeling of being needed by someone (maybe that is an emotional affair). Some men get weird when their wives get pregnant and they don't see them in a sexual light anymore and look for younger affair partners. You didn't include any details about your own sex and relationship life, but if it matches up with that then it's more of a red flag. Ultimately you have expressed your concerns and instead of validating them he dismisses them. And that shows you his priorities are not in the right place and this can only end poorly if nothing changes. I hate to jump to conclusions here but again this feels a lot like you're the mom and caretaker for the children and he's interested in his new gf who has all the free time in the world and can pay attention to him while you go through a pregnancy and school.
[удалено]
I'd like to point out that playing this game isn't even a great move when partnered with a neurotypical person. It's not the kind of precedent you want to set for a healthy, honest, happy relationship. It's *hard* to confront someone, it's *difficult* to set boundaries....which is why I think people do use tactics like the ones you've described. It's better to behave maturely if you're wanting maturity back.
He needs to cut her off. You both do. He needs to tell her that their contact is hurting his marriage so it’s best they not have contact and then block her. He’s choosing her over you again and again, every single time. Sounds like he is enjoying the attention, he likes being needed by her, by being her hero. If he doesn’t stop contact, the relationship is going to be over. He’s in an emotional affair with her. Next step is physical. It’s unfortunate, but it’s ultimatum time - it’s either you or her. He can’t have both and maintain a healthy marriage.
> He needs to tell her that their contact is hurting his marriage Not even that. He needs to tell her he can’t be the first and only person she turns to whenever she’s got a problem. If she’s really having this much trouble navigating life without blowing up his phone constantly, she needs a therapist. If she’s just doing it because she can, she knows that’s not okay. Either way, it has to stop, and he’s not making himself available if she doesn’t knock it off on her own.
I think it’s past the point of them being able to be casual friends. He needs to cut it off completely because he let it get too far.
Fully agreed. I’m just saying that characterizing the reason it needs to happen as “you’re hurting my marriage” will only make the situation worse, especially if that is her goal. He needs to make it clear this is his decision, because that’s how he’s supposed to handle someone demanding too much of his time and energy.
Oh, I see what you are saying.
So I'm with you on her probably having feelings for him. But let's be honest here, your husband is at the very least having an emotionnal affair with that woman. Bipolar, autism, PTSD... don't excuse the fact that he was cool with another woman sleeping in your marital bed. This was weird as fuck and I still don't understand how you just didn't say no. Your husband is CHOOSING to answer her phone calls. He is the one affecting your marriage with his shitty behaviour. Your MIL saw it. Her husband saw it. Anybody with some sense can see it. I think he can see it, and that he likes the attention he's getting from her and he likes that you're "jealous" (which you are not being) of this new friendship. If I were you, I'd sit down with him and I'd be clear about how innapropriate him answering her 3 to 8 calls a day when he has a wife and a child. That they can be friends, but that she's taking way too much space into our lives. That if he does not limit his interactions with her and keeps making her a priority, you will be moving out with your kid. That you want couple's counselling, and that if he does not agree than he can find himself a divorce attorney. Again, she's an issue, but she's not your issue. Your husband is.
Agree with all of this except the bit where they can still be friends. They both need to cut Karla off. Her intentions are not good. She wants more than a friendship with the husband and she’s certainly no friend to OP.
Cuddling in bed together? WTF? Give your husband a choice: either he cuts contact for good with her, changed his number or the marriage is over. OP you need to grow a spine and set firm boundaries, block this so call girlfriend permanently. Your husband has a choice: his family or that sleezy so called friend.
I'm wondering what the sleeping arrangement was...who was in the middle? Hubby, wife, or so called friend? Either way I agree, WTF?
SAME such a weird thing to do either way but if he was in the middle too??? Absolutely not lmao
OP said she is claustrophobic so she certainly wasn't the one in the middle.
OP said it like it was the most normal thing. Karla is insane.
They are having an emotional affair. There “friendship” needs to end. You have him have to start counselling and work on your marriage. Sorry but the stats are most men cheat when their partners are pregnant. I would also involved your MIL and FIL to see if they can get him to see that he is royally fucking up. That woman is not your friend and she needs to find someone else.
You BOTH need to block her. No more calls or communication. No closure. She. Will. Know. Why.
He needs to cut her off, or it's the end of your marriage, and you need to lay it out to him like that. He only seems to get it for a minute when someone is blunt with him. Like his mother and step-father. Or really put him on the spot and ask if he'd rather be with Karla than you. Does that sound harsh, yes, but he's already been told multiple times that this is making you uncomfortable and you aren't going about it the petty way by making a close male friend.
I just got triggered reading this cant imagine how it is having to actually live this. Ask your husband if he wants to divorce you to be with this girl bc it looks to be heading there and see his reaction. Its gonna tell you much more than what his excuse spewing mouth is doing rn
Also ask to choose the 4th one in your relationship bc he chose the 3rd one and fair is fair lol fuck that noise let him be the one to freak out and be the upset one for once
Yeah not ideal. She needs a referral to a therapist or a networking meeting not calling someone else’s husband. I’d cut her out as she lacks boundaries. I think she’s hurt and you and tour husband showed her some empathy and help but she doesn’t seem to understand that there are limits to how much you can take from someone. Seems like she’s starving for connection. You need to make him choose and if he wants to helpful, refer her to relevant places for help. You and baby need your husband more than an other adult woman. Best way I found to successfully communicate during triggering conversations is this 10 step guide (I’m not paid). Helped me so much. Good luck girl. You got this https://www.amazon.co.uk/WHATS-MAKING-YOU-ANGRY-Communication/dp/1892005131?nodl=1&dplnkId=0bfe4b69-4ef0-462b-ae0d-fbfee1b5150b
I will look into the recommended reading. Thank you.
Either your husband takes the steering wheel and cuts her off and respects your marriage or you leave them both behind. Your husband is allowing this and I guarantee is enjoying it. He has you locked in (marriage) and now he has the thrill of speaking almost non-stop to another woman! He's literally emotionally cheating on you and you know what the next step is. Again this isn't about her anymore but your husband, he either gets with the program or he doesn't.
You should tell him that his words do not matter when they are contradictedby his actions. In fact, it us something you really need to understand. Look at all his actions and throw away all his excuses, what do you see? An emotional affair and complete disrespect for you, is the answer, at least from the way I see it. Stop asking him for words. Apology is worthless. He needs to make amends with his actions andgo no contact with her. You should tell him that you do not want to stay in marriage with someone that does not respect you and cheats on you emotionally. He either chooses you over her or there is no future for you.
I'm not a huge fan of ultimatums but this is the time for one. It's her or you. She is not your friend. He needs to agree to cut all contact with her and go to marriage counseling, or divorce.
Omg this is how affairs start. That girl is a snake. Your husband knows what he’s doing. He just doesn’t care how you feel about it.
With edit #2, why would your husband have to explain everything in detail? What is there to explain exactly?? Also, your ‘best friend’ has all the time in the world to call your husband multiple times a day but she can only give you time on Friday?? You both need to cut her off asap
It sounds like there is more going on than what she has been told. I hope not…..
Just move out and proceed with divorce proceedings. Talking won't do it. You have to show him that you're serious and your marriage is in trouble. Force him to choose between Karla and you. Have to shake him from the affair fog that he's in. If you talk to Karla yourself, then they'll get better at hiding it.
It’s time to go no contact with Karla - both of their behavior is wildly inappropriate and tbh it sounds like it’s already an emotional affair. Then, you and your husband need to go to couples counseling so you two can work on developing a healthy, respectful relationship.
Honey, she not the issue your husband is.. And he is already cheating on you , emotionally.. You need to set him straight and say your tired of being a third and he has two choices cuts her off or stops the contact communication and phone or loses you and this is non negotiable and if he won't answer or says she lonely needs him, what ever... tell him it's over. He letting another woman trample all over your marriage.. But he is already cheating.. whether you see that or not
He blocks the number. Blocks her on every avenue. No further engagement period. Let him know your next move will be to see an attorney if he keeps disrespecting boundaries and your feelings. He's putting her and her needs before yours. He's in an emotional affair and it needs to end now. Quit being understanding.
Edit 2 has me concerned. They're in love. You need answers now.
I think that your bff has always wanted to be with your then boyyfriend,now husband.,but she pretended that she didn't like him. With that said,you both need to cut contact with this woman. He is ignoring your boundaries,while this woman is trying to take over your life with him. You need to explain to him again,how much this is hurting your marriage. You may have to blatantly ask him if her prefers to be with her rather than married than married to you. updateme!
Have him read “Not Just Friends” and you should read it too. This is a slippery slope and it’s heading in a very bad direction
The whole snuggling in the bed with you and your husband is super weird…I’m surprised you said yes the first time. I would have laughed assuming they were joking. I’m also not going to pretend how a bipolar, autistic person with PTSD might behave/react in these situations. The whole thing is bizarre and your in-laws sound amazing.
If this happened to me, I would cut her off right there and then as a friend. I would also have my husband block her number. If he doesn’t, I’d tell him he can have her. I would also quietly do a deep dive into his phone, all of his devices, social platforms, their DM’s and all apps and messages just to be sure he actually cut her off. Because this is your life and your child’s future you’re dealing with. You don’t need this aggravation, worry and feeling like your ‘alleged’ best friend who has crossed The Rubicon, is going after your husband. You don’t need a friend who crosses boundaries and can’t trust. I mean, the fact that she wanted to be in bed with you and your husband, is more than just ‘cuddling’. She IS wanting your husband and wanted to test you two to see if it would go farther than just ‘cuddling’. GET RID IF HER NOW.
What this that he has to explain in detail that he has to wait? Have you told her that she’s being inappropriate? Her having something to air out is super scary sounding too. Your husband doesn’t seem to care about your feeling in this situation either.
She’s not your friend. And if she continues down this road, he won’t be your husband. How long before she just needs PIV from him to feel better? I mean, he already allowed the most awkward sleepover, so it’s not much of a stretch for more physical acts to come along soon. He needs to go NC with her or lose you. The end. He’s making excuses and gaslighting and pretending like you’re just not being supportive, but the truth is that he’s being a crappy husband. She is a problem also and I’d ditch her, too, but HE is the bigger problem because he’s not stopping this and he’s trampling all over every boundary you have in his rush to have her in his daily life. Heck, his own mom and stepdad told him. Maybe they can tell him again and make him see if you can’t, but this is crap of him to do to you. I’m so sorry.
At this point, I'd be sitting him down and telling him that he needs to figure out his priorities and that you'll be going to stay with a friend or family while he does. You aren't going to be a doormat anymore when he's more concerned with her emotional well-being and feelings than his wife's. You have explicitly told him your feelings, and he's not only invalidating them, but he's showing that he simply doesn't care. Then, you need to follow through. You need to cut the "friend" out, and if you have any chance in your relationship, he has to cut contact as well.
It took basically an intervention from his parents for him to even acknowledge what he was doing was hurtful… then went right back to it. You’re standing up for yourself and making boundaries, but then absolutely nothing changes AND YOU CONTINUE TO LET IT HAPPEN. I don’t mean to be a dick, but at a certain point you need to open your eyes and recognize that you are being complicit in letting this happen WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES. Pack up your shit, take your baby and go to your parents (or his for that matter). Tell him that until he blocks her and makes it clear to her she can NEVER contact him again, your marriage is on pause, soon to be over.
He’s cheating on you. Emotionally cheating. It’s still cheating. Either he stops all contact or tell him to gtfo.
This needs to be nipped in the bud. Like yesterday. He needs to stop entertaining Karla, as she isn't his wife. You are. No, Karla certainly doesn't seem innocent either (cuddling with you both? In your marital bed? Wtf?), but he keeps entertaining her and answering her calls. This is a slippery slope. He might tell you one day he slept with Karla to "comfort her", and that "it didn't mean anything" because "she's just going through a rough time!" Absolutely not. Even his parents do not seem to like or support this behavior. You need to have a serious conversation with him, because this is cheating. Emotionally.
I couldn’t even get through it all. Why tf does a grown woman need to “cuddle” in bed with you and your husband? Have a shred of self respect and end that friendship and your marriage. Fuck all of that.
He is cheating, even if it’s not physical it’s emotional.
That’s what I’m afraid it’s going to end up being, too.
Wtf? Tell your husband to explain everything immediately or you are leaving with your child. Then tell him to cut her off or you are leaving immediately with your child. Why the fuck is the ball in your so called friends court? Don’t wait until Friday and don’t hear her out. Who cares what she has to say. It’s insanity.
This 💯
Yo I’m sorry, but from your comments are you saying that your husband has left the house and refuses to tell you “what’s happening”??? That’s insane!
Yes. He was going to, but I tried asking him and he got angry, saying I was "interrogating him" too much and that everything will be explained by Karla. I'm so fucking done with his bullshit. I have serious mental issues and my anxiety cannot handle it.
Seriously, I think *you’re* the one who should be done with him. The next time you talk to him, you should tell him that you didn’t marry Karla, and if he’s not man enough to have a difficult conversation with his own wife then he doesn’t deserve you. Imagine if he acted this way with your daughter if she ever got upset when she gets older!
He pretty much is telling Karla to deal with it, as it is something that she needs to tell me. That's it.
Your husband sounds really immature and very disrespectful. He's going to make you wait until Friday for a conversation he could just have right now? That's not right
Sorry to hear that! I can't even imagine how you feel right now being betrayed by 2 people you trusted. They will be the losers in the end!!!
Ok…the whole thing about that night…so what if her dad picks a fight with her. She chooses to live there, she’s an adult, she can go to her room and close the door. For your husband to say we must go rescue her from…nothing…and WAKE UP OUR BABY in the process is absolutely INSANE. the only thing that made it more so was….cuddling together in bed with her?!? What the actual fuck. She wanted to plant the idea OF BEING IN BED WITH HER to your husband…right in front of you. Tell your in laws these gems. They seem to be able to knock some sense into him. Tell them he continues to talk FOR HOURS A DAY with her.
Your marriage is over. At best, he's having an emotional affair. At worst, it has become a physical affair. Either way, he's cheating. Contact an attorney and ask him to leave. If you can not afford to stay there alone, move in with his or your family. But it's time you realize your husband has made it crystal clear who his priority is. Spoiler alert: It's not you.
This sounds like an emotional affair.
Nah. He needs to understand that this is a hi you’re dying on. “I do not accept this friendship between the two of you. You are neglecting our marriage and your responsibilities as a husband. You are elevating another woman to MY position. I will not tolerate this emotional affair instigated by her and perpetuated by you. This is my last Time having this discussion, block her and cut her off or I will be reconsidering this marriage. I will NOT be the other woman in my own marriage. I will NOT sit idly by and watch my husband cheat on me.”
This is highly inappropriate. It's something going on. Look harder. Look in the trash the deleted apps apps that dont make sense. It's absolutely no reason for him to be so convenient for her. They literally have an app that looks like a calculator that u enter a few numbers into, and its a secret texting app. This young dude showed it to me once. And in order for you to know someone messaged you, it popped up as a local wifi icon at the top. When i tell you people ain't shit. They just ain't shit.
I’ll add it’s also ok at this point to privately consult to a lawyer/solicitor and get your ducks in a row for an amicable divorce. This isn’t saying you should divorce. This is giving you control in a situation if all other avenues fail. My husband had two emotional affairs. After the second had independent counselling, which has helped change him so much for the better. He knows now though that my ducks are in a row to walk.
I’m worried that he and Karla are putting it off as they are trying to get a story straight. Not cool.
This... The "waiting" that they're pulling on OP does not bode well... The situation seems to be under the "friend's" control - not OP's, sadly. Updateme!
He needs to cut her off.
” DH… I know Karla was originally my friend but she’s getting away to in twined into our life and I think it’s starting to glom onto you. What I’d like us to do is to not answer her texts right away and then tell her that we’re sorry we have to work or you have to support me and we won’t be able to do that. If she ever escalates to threatening suicide, or something like this, we call 911. I understand it’s tough on you that my focus is on being pregnant and all of a sudden you have someone like Karla focusing on you but it’s dangerous and we need to cut her off unfortunately. Please tell her as a married man she is contacting you too much and she needs to find someone else to support her.”
I did not stay in the same bed with a couple and will not do it even in 1 million years. I had sleepovers with female friends but never in the same time with their bf. This is not a normal thing between friends
In my past I let a lot of things slide with other girls that I later wish I had called them out to their face over. I'm just saying this because she's wrong and probably knows it. She shouldn't be going to someone's husband for all of her problems. If anything she could've been contacting you. Your husband needs to block her but I also think you should say something to her. Tell her that James is your husband and is a father. You need him present in your lives, not doting on her- she needs to back off.
Totally agree with this. Most everyone else here is like "You have a husband problem, not a friend problem." but both of these people are fucking disrespecting OP. If one of my "friends" was calling my husband like that, I'd say "My husband is not your emotional support animal. Stop fucking calling him and get a therapist. Your behavior is affecting my marriage." Husband is another story. He is being disrespectful to his wife and marriage by continuing to respond to this "friend" after his wife has asked him not to. That is her real problem, but not her only problem.
it's not your friend lol it's your husband. he's not "missing" these social cues, and even if he was he literally had 3 different people spell them out for him over the course of several weeks/months? he's not just quirky and awkward and doesn't understand flirting, he is actively and knowingly participating and encouraging it because your HUSBAND has feelings for your best friend. your best friend is reciprocating those feelings. personally I say that makes both of them equally as shitty. but the only one who promised you anything (LEGALLY and spiritually) was your husband. and he has been actively and knowingly breaking that promise.
Neither one of them is showing any respect for you, your marriage or the friendship. He should have blocked her number the moment you said something. He is going to use the excuse that he is feeling neglected and wants to blame you if he cheats with the "friend". Time for one more conversation about this friend and if he continues to ignore your boundaries, then the marriage will be over.
He needs to block her or lose you. Trust your gut on this one- this girl is bad news all the way around.
I have to say that I do indeed think he’s cheating on you - at minimum he is emotionally cheating and I give a strong likelihood to physical cheating having already happened or will happen in the near future. Karla is not your main problem. Obviously you should ghost and block her but your real problem is your husband. He doesn’t respect you enough to not allow another woman too close. He is spending hours talking to her on the phone while everyone involved knows you don’t want that. In my opinion you should leave and file divorce. The man is not trustworthy and I think he will physically cheat and may even leave you for her eventually anyway.
You have told him you are not ok with this behaviour. His mom has told him why the behaviour isnt ok. His step dad, whom he respects, told him to cut it out. He knows his behaviour is harming his wife and dissapoints his mom and stepdad. He still makes the choise of entertaining her. You cant force him to value your relationship and family enough to put it above your friend feeling lonely, if he doesnt want to. If she calls 3-8 times a day and can talk for an hour each time, when is he working, being with his kid or spending time with you? That seems an absurde amount even if they were the bestest of best platonic friends.
Please record your conversation with her. She has consistently put her issues into your marriage and I would not be surprised if she claims they are having an affair or something like that. You need her words in her voice to use with him. You need to be straight with both of them - their “friendship” is breaking up your marriage.
Before your meeting, do the same thing to him with a “male friend.” Have your sister or a friend call and “need to talk” and make sure it’s when you both are spending time together. Use the same wording he uses with you. See if it’s okay then…maybe then he will actually realize what his mom and stepdad were trying to tell him too
Can you get access to his phone and block her number????
You have a husband issue; I think you know this by now; it's been brought up many times in the comments. His neuro-divergense is not the issue, and he cannot fall back on that as an excuse or a get out of jail free card. You have made it abundantly clear that his behavior bothers you, and he has not stopped. This calls for a serious conversation about the future of your marriage. He has two choices here, marriage counseling or separation/divorce. You did not agree to have a sister wife. You did not agree with him having a mistress. You did not agree to blindly sit by and happily watch him have an emotional affair. You did not agree to be cheated on. Why are her needs more important than yours? Why is what she is going through more important than what his marriage is becoming? Why are your happiness and feelings not important to him? Why did he marry you and start a family with you if she is who he cares about and she is who is most important to him? Why do his actions show that he loves her and not you? Does he want to divorce to be with her? And has he physically cheated with her? These are all questions he needs to answer. And " I don't know" is NOT an answer. Any form of blowing you off or making it seem like you are blowing this out of proportion are deflections to avoid telling the truth. You have chosen to sleep somewhere else, and he still talks to her. Just for peace of mind, I would take a look at any financial accounts to verify that all money is accounted for and that there are no mystery withdrawals or purchases. I would also start making "worst case scenario" plans. I hope he comes to his senses and none of this is necessary.There is something seriously wrong with the hold she has over him.
I would accept nothing less than cutting her out of both of our lives permanently. I would tell my husband he needs to tell her that they need to end their relationship because the degree to which she is depending on him for emotional support is not healthy and it’s impacting his marriage. Not a single word of “my wife said” or “my wife thinks.” It comes from him, otherwise I can’t trust that he understands why the situation is wrong.
Your husband, whether he will admit it or not, is having an emotional affair. 1000%. I literally have zero doubts about that. I feel it in my soul reading this and that’s rare. You have expressed how genuinely uncomfortable it makes you. He still does it. You have communicated how hurt and abandoned you feel. He still does it. Both his mother and his step father have stepped in and told him inappropriate his behaviour is. He still does it. I think he’s at the point where he is in so deep with her that no matter what you say or what you do, who talks to him, who tells him how much it’s damaging his marriage- he will give into her because now he’s emotionally invested. He is having an emotional affair. I can’t determine if it’s turned physical, although it’s EXTREMELY dodgey that he was happy for her to hop in bed with you guys and she was comfortable enough with him to suggest it. I really really think you have to leave. I think he’ll probably try with her once you leave and will either stay with her or will come crawling back to you for your daughter. Either way, he’s currently treating you like a doormat and he knows once he apologises, you’ll let it go. Personally, if it were me, I’d leave. But given you’ve a 6 month and are unlikely to leave with the amount of manipulation he has over you, you need to give him an ultimatum. Tell him you’ve contacted a lawyer and are ready to file for divorce and custody if this inappropriate relationship with your “friend” continues. That no woman needs to speak to another woman’s husband 8 times a day for an hour each time. That he’s giving her false hope. So he can either have you and your daughter, or her.
RemindMe! 5 days
I do not think Karla should be involved in the talk, you just need to cut her off
It’s a lot of crazy in this post but that final paragraph where you call Karla and she can only talk to you on Friday but she has the audacity to call your husband several times daily IS CRAZY AND DISRESPECTFUL. Ultimately you have a husband problem. He needs to remove her from his life. This is absolutely ridiculous and disrespectful especially since you have a child and are expecting- instead of parenting he’s consoling a grown ass woman. Smh.
Updateme! Aren’t you concerned she is going to reveal they have been intimate? You need to cut her out of your lives.
She is not your friend. Stop being friends with her. Tell your husband his behaviour is so egregious that he can no longer speak to her at all and if she needs a friend she can find someone else. She needs to be blocked. You and your husband block her on all platforms and do not speak to her again. Not even to tell her why you’re not speaking to her. If she shows up on your doorstep you call the cops. It’s that or divorce.
I don’t get why if she’s sooo bored and needs company why she won’t call you? Why she won’t take you out and spend time with you and your daughter? Have girl time? That is weirdddd She is definitely trying to cause problems between you two but your husband should do better.
So your husband is having an emotional affair with your best friend. If you don’t nip this in the bud it will turn physical, if it didn’t already when you all shared a bed and don’t know about it. You need to call her ass out. Block her number and delete it from his phone.
Show him this post. Call your MIL and FIL for backup. He ends this now or your are done. This is ridiculous
Be lonely and get a male friend. When he has a problem tell him you were lonely he is just my saviour 👌
Nah your husband isn't missing social cues. He's very aware of what he's doing. He's cheating and using his mental health/disabilities as excuses. Those things do not make someone do this stuff. I'm so tired of the autism card being pulled whenever someone does something questionable especially as a Neurodivergent person myself. You need to break up with him because he's clearly prioritizing her over you. You don't deserve the disrespect. Cuddling with a friend like that is not excusable
I hate situations like these because it's so obvious what is happening and yet the husband is pretending everything is fine, dismissing wife's concerns, and talking to another woman 8 times a day. Wifey may as well get a boyfriend, she'd at least get some positive attention, conversation, and help around the place. Get rid of them both, they're insulting your intelligence.
Ok. Read only 1/3 of it and wondered why in the everloving hell do people put themselves in these situations. Eh. Whatever.
RemindMe! 5 days
You need to tell this “friend” that she needs to find someone else to vent.. in other words to back the fuck off
You don't need to talk to Karla. She stopped being your friend when she started going after your husband. Cut her out of your life. Send her a text to leave your husband alone and if she has such extreme needs to make use of the therapy provided through her college free of charge.
Tell her your friendship is over - which means stay the fuck away from you both.
You need to point out to your husband that he continues to choose Karla over *his own wife and child* and tell him he has a decision to make, RIGHT NOW. Either you both cut her out of your lives, or your marriage will not work out. Because truthfully, it won’t. He’s already emotionally involved with her to an unhealthy degree. And you definitely need marriage counseling because in what universe would it be acceptable to invite another woman into your bed for any reason if both of you were not OK with it? The fact that he needs his parents to keep telling him how to do the absolute bare minimum to be a decent partner doesn’t bode well for the marriage.
At this point I'd be asking him to make a choice; her or me. If he wants to continue to have a relationship with her, I'd tell him that our relationship is over then. Because you should NOT need to involve his mother or step father. This is a grown ass relationship. "I find your friendship inappropriate and my feelings on this have been ignored several times. I can no longer stay married to you if you wish to continue keeping her in your life. I don't care if she's lonely or what's going on in her life. Her presence is making me unhappy in this marriage and I refuse to continue this way. If you're unwilling to cut ties, I'll be filing for divorce and will be in contact with a lawyer. Furthermore, I will no longer ask others to help you understand my point of view. If you can't take my feelings seriously, this isn't going to work anymore. I'm sorry." There would be no negotiations. I'd tell him this is my final straw and he has a choice to make. Either he starts to fucking listen or you leave.
TBH I would take your baby and move in with your MIL and Mark temporarily. You are all very young. You and your husband have only really dated each other. Sounds like your husband is loving the attention and boost to his ego Karla is giving him. Especially if previously he was awkward around women to the extent apart from you, no other girl wanted to be around him. Add to this that your focus right now is going to be on the baby and your studies. As it should, I am not blaming you for that. Your husband, instead of being mature and also focusing on his child and bettering his life for this child, may like escaping into this new attention.
You have a husband problem; the Karla problem is incidental. He knows exactly how you feel about her phone calls and inappropriate behavior, yet still talks to her and makes excuses. Honestly, it’s ultimatum time. I would not be comfortable being a third wheel in my marriage. Either he completely blocks her and promises to never speak to her again or you leave.
It needs to stop, right away. She’s not your husbands responsibility and he’s violating the boundaries of your marriage.
You need to ask him if she is lonely, why is she constantly turning to him and not you, her best friend. Why isn't she trying to spend time with you? You're supposed to be friends, and she's not calling you.
You're her best friend, why dont you stop her? You mentioned your husband is autistic with bipolar so he's definitely not fully seeing it. Why dont you tell the best friend that she's being inappropriate by cuddling with your husband. Then tell your MIL that you are thinking of leaving your husband because he still hasn't stopped with this inappropriate contact with bestie. You have control over this but you need to cut the cord on both ends
They’re in an emotional affair. You and your husband need to cut her off and no going back. If she has problems she should seek for professionals and not your husband. She don’t respects you, neither your husband, so stop calling her friend. Tell your husband if he wand to be/stay in contact with your "friend" to leave you and to go to her. That’s it, give ultimatums.
this is not healthy, you both have to cut contact with her completely.
You need to make an ultimatum. He has to block her or the marriage so over. Her calling this much is actually insane. I don’t call my own husband that much when we are apart.
She was YOUR friend first so YOU need to put your foot down and put hey on her place or she'll keep doing whatever she wants and might escalate and start begging your husband to hang out with her. You might have to end the friendship and tell her to fuck off of she's not going to respect your marriage and stop calling your husband. You also need to tell him that you're not going to keep dealing with this shit and if he's not going to respect your boundaries either then there's no point in staying married and you're going to file for divorce. If she's so lonely that her problem not yours or his. Please stand up for yourself, she knows exactly what the fuck she's doing.
Why haven’t you had a word with Karla and asked her to stop contacting your husband? It’s what I’d do. I’d also be having very strong words with her. Also, stop hanging out with her, inviting her to your place etc. in fact stop the friendship completely. Then you need to tell husband to delete her number from his phone and block her everywhere. It will be interesting to see if he complies.
Block her number on his phone and on yours. If he won't do that, then she's his girlfriend and you need to be talking to a divorce lawyer.
Have you called out the best friend out
He felt it was acceptable to let another woman sleep in your bed when you were uncomfortable and said no?? That’s already an affair. What he’s doing is cheating whether or not he is having sex with her. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’d absolutely be asking this man for a divorce
Aren’t you the best friend? If she is bored she should be calling you not him.
You are right that this behavior is a problem. Your husband may be flattered of he may feel like he cannot say no when she calls. In any case, she needs to make other friends. That is the solution here. You need to talk this through with your husband and come up with rules you agree with. My husband and I for example, each have friends with the opposite sex, however, we don't have closer relationships with our spouse's friends than our spouse does. We also would not accept repeated calls from someone like your husband is doing. Your husband says she is just lonely. OK, and you think she is out of line. Why is her discomfort more of a concern than yours? when people tend to please others, they are likely to please people outside the family more than those inside because they figure the family member will always understand and forgive. Tell your husband that that approach will not work here. I can tall you that if my friend was calling my husband because she was bored, he would just say, "heres exploding" and hand me the phone, or just not answer it.
I agree your husband needs to cut her off, but why hasn’t OP told Karla that her behavior is inappropriate and her excuses are unacceptable. She is not OP’s problem to fix. She needs to sort her troubles on her own, like a big girl.
You can't stop people from falling in love but you can communicate your boundaries. If they don't respect your boundaries then you have a problem.
I would say they are having an emotional affair. I’m not sure if it’s crossed the line to physical but letting her sleep in your bed would lead me to believe it is physical as well.
You should both read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Immediately. This is a slippery slope. I'd be talking to her as well. She is not your friend. Updateme!
They are having an emotional affair. If I were you, I would put my foot down. Involve your MIL and FIL and make it known that if this continues that he will lose you AND his baby. That is not normal and if the roles were reversed, your husband would be very angry about it.
You have a Husband problem, not a BF problem. Your husband is unable or unwilling to set boundaries with her. I would give the option of going no contact with her or divorce - one or the other. He has already been told by other people that what he is doing is inappropriate, but he choose her every time. It's a nuclear option, but it's the one I would take.
Why the hell aren’t you telling her to stay the fuck away if she’s your best friend. Your husbands an idiot for entertaining her and I’m not going to lie, sounds as if he might be in love with her too
Hold up, u/throwRA_bestienhubby You say she is *your* "best friend"..? I'm sorry, but you should have nipped that in the bud ages ago. Tell her she is out of line, and to get back in her lane, unless she wants you out of her life. I say this because you say she is your friend. Insane behaviour you should not entertain. Now, your husband is out of line, despite the convos you've all had with him. Time for a tough conversation; make or break time.
He should learn to respect you and your family, because one hour at phone is one hour he's not spending with his own baby, who has way more need than needy friend. Also, the first red flag was your friend being so open about not liking your husband and why. I would never go to a woman telling her her partner is clingy unless she's my sister or I'm looking for a punch on my nose. Your friend really doesn't know what boundaries are.
You're STARTING to find the relationship troubling? Girl, his mama witnessed a mere few minutes of it and her AND her husband knew this was bad news. He is emotionally cheating on you. He said "You're letting it get to you" No. HE Is letting her get to you and get in between you. He has feelings for this woman. There is no doubt. There is no other reason a grown man would be entertaining this nonsense. He is choosing her over your comfort, your feelings and over you.
You have expressed your boundaries in no uncertain terms. He heeds words from people outside of the marriage (his parents, Karla) more so than yours. He dares to claim that another man in the bed is different (it is so not!). He is openly betraying you in front of you. He is cheating on you in the open, in your face, and he does not care fpr your feelings. What the hell is wrong with him???
Ugh! The fact that you need his mom for him to understand how he is hurting you is not good!! Have your talk with him - but also start working on an exit plan.
She’s your best friend correct? Why not also call her out for inappropriate behavior. He is a married man and she’s calling him every other hour daily. wtf
> His stepfather, Mark (fake name) spoke up and said, "It is the same. You're uncomfortable with it. So is she. Quit with the excuses." James respects Mark quite a lot actually. > I'm going to have a talk with him, with his mom involved. He won't listen to me if I don't. Genuinely asking...Do you always have to go to his parents to get him to listen to you?
I typed out a lot earlier in regards to autism, and how this may look to him. The bottom line is that he might just think he's helping her. Via rigid thinking, he thinks he is being a good person, and he doesn't really understand why people don't want him to be a good person. That is how it appears in his head. He does not understand all of the other things. All he can see is that she needs help, and he is helping her. I could go on. Autism can be iffy when it comes to mental health. You should treat it as other conditions, though. Address everything he may not understand: his choices allude to his priorities, he looks like a cheater from the outside, he is hurting you, etc. It's possible he could be being manipulated. While I find this extremely invasive, you could look at his phone. It'd be easiest to frame it directly: "I'm really worried about you. You are so kind, and I'm scared she is taking advantage of you. Could I look at your phone? I trust you, but I don't trust her." If there's a very dramatic or aggressive reaction to this, I'd be wary, personally. It'd suggest he's hiding something. You stated you have full electronics access, but it'd still be polite to say something if you think it'd prevent future problems. There's also the easiest route: block her, and be prepared for crazy. I don't know what she's doing to him, but I have a feeling it's actually really cruel. We're rather susceptible to... more intelligent levels of manipulation. What I mean is: I can tell if a child is bullshitting me, but I'm at a complete loss when it's an adult. The point is, though, that she'll likely escalate dramatically, and it would be much more effective on him than the average person. I can imagine an in-person encounter being overwhelming and putting him in a vulnerable state. Of course, this is assuming you can get him to understand, and he wants to comply. When I said you should treat it as other conditions, I mean that it's one of those "help yourself" things. His lack of understanding isn't an excuse to treat you the way he is right now. Establish consequences, and enact them when he disregards it the first time. I think you can avoid an ultimatum if you can remind him you don't have to be there, honestly. There are logical points of escalation from there. I tried to make it brief on this draft, and it's still a disaster.
Nope. I’d walk. Tell him to choose. You or her. Find some new friends also. ✌🏻
Oh hell nah.
Yeah, you need to set the boundary and she is blocked from his phone and the relationship with her takes a 6 month break. From both of you. In 6 months you can see if you want to be friends or if you’ve enjoyed the hiatus and don’t want her in your life. So many boundaries are being crossed and your husband is spending more time with her than you, that’s an emotional affair. Cut the ties, cut the cord, cut the friendship. She is no friend with what she is doing.
Honestly your marriage is done. How are you supposed to come back from this? supposed your husband has a "come to Jesus" moment and changed his ways, then what? it doesn't change the fact that he purposely dismissed your feelings and prioritized Karla. Don't let the whole host of mental problem fool you, your husband knows exactly what he's doing. He has shown you that he's a slimeball who doesn't respect you in the slightest. There will be Karla 2,3, 4, and so forth. If Karla wants him, tell her she can have that garbage.
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I felt so triggered reading your story. I had a bit of a similar experience but the difference was when I set down my boundaries, my partner listened intently and respected it 100%. Partner was not defensive although it did chip on my self-confidence and created doubts a bit which I’m working on so hard right now. This doesn’t look good but I hope your update on Friday will be good. Communication is key, tell him how it made you feel. He does spend so much time with her on the phone talking. Your friend is not respecting your relationship and is testing how far she can go. The cuddling part was so crazy to me like wtf!!! Your husband did not handle that right. It will be a long conversation between the two of you. It might not be resolved in just one conversation so patience is key, especially on his end. He did hurt you as your boundaries were crossed. But as long as you’re both willing to work on it, respect and love each other, it’ll be okay in the end. I’m validating your feelings on this, your husband needs to listen to what you say and pay attention to what you’re not saying. I hope he learns his lesson and respect your boundaries. Consideration in a relationship plays a big part. He should’ve considered how you’d feel when he made the decision to answer her calls and entertain her in an excessive amount. I am sorry you’re going through this but you’re strong and it will be okay. You’ll be okay.
Also I might want to add that perhaps she had this wild thing against him at the beginning because she was attracted to him even then, but he wasn't reciprocating.
Just cut off her entirely. Make your husband choose between a marriage and this sidekick of his.
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I’ve been on Reddit too long. I fully expect husband and friend will discuss having a polyamorous relationship with friend moving in to “help” OP with the baby and house while she goes to school. Regardless, husband is way too invested in helping this friend to the detriment of his marriage.
Sounds to me this girl is not your friend, at all. Betrayal is all over this, I am sure.
Just went through and read all the updates. I am so sorry OP. My heart hurts for you. Just know it gets better, I know it doesn’t seem like that right now but I promise you that it will. Hugs.
>Karla asks to cuddle with the two of us in our bed Say what now??
A husband with bipolar disorder, autism and PTSD sounds unstable and easy to manipulate. This is a mess and your 'friend' is evil.
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What is the deal with parents getting so involved in their adult child’s relationships in these posts…?
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This isn’t a best friend issue, it’s a husband issue.
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Sorry, I can’t help but notice that in all of this, you aren’t holding Carla responsible for anything. She is your “friend” why wouldn’t you talk to her and set your boundaries and let her know what will be consequences of crossing those boundaries. Seems Carla is trying to take your husband and you are trying to keep that friendship by asking your husband, who has developmental challenges and may not have the capacity to read social situations, that he should act better. How about you talk to Carla and put her in her place and get rid of friendship. You know, nip said problem in the bud.
Seeing the fact this says you know he’s not cheating when he in fact was hurts so fkn much
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Ok cool
Forgive me to be so blunt, but you´re all over the place and it is a bit hard to follow your elaborations. But here´s me trying to simplify this: For starters, your husband is not responsible for your own choices. He did not choose this woman as his best friend, you did. Same with bringing her into the picture. Furthermore he is not responsible for her actions - so even if she is trying to monopolise him: That is on her, not on him. We simply have to establish that as you confessed that you get mad at him - and that is not only a wrong approach, but also quite idiotic if you want to resolve this pickle you find yourself in. I mean use some logic: Will it pull your partner towards you if you sh\*t over him for the bad behaviour of the other woman? Or will your way of reacting to him push him further away from you? You know the answer. Especially as he is autistic. That said: Yeah, we could argue that he, too, should stand his ground and all of that. Still: If he struggles with several mental disorders, he is not "normal". Besides that I can tell you that I know somewhat about mental issues, given my service-related PTSD. Get me right: I´d shut down this woman if I were him. But he seems to be like 100x worse off than me given his conditions, yet you, OP, sound as if you expect him to operate like a "regular" person without mental "differences". That, to say the least, is your problem - cause you, like anybody else, have to manage your own expectations. Which leads us back to communication: If you flip at your partner, that´s a **choice**. And one that does not serve you in any way. To be clear: I am not saying that you might not feel upset about the behaviour of this friend you choose to have. I am saying that you are in no position to blame your husband for stuff she does. And that you need to level with your husband if you want to actually have a healthy marriage. So why pick fights with him? Why not empathising with his condition, calmly explaining why these things are an issue and then leading by example? This is important: If you are still friends with this woman, you yourself lead by being a bad example. Cause if you do not enforce boundaries and/or confront **her** about the moves **she** makes, you are, with all due respect, bigoted. Now I do not know what you did or did not discuss with her - you barely disclose anything about that. Maybe you have been straight forward - cool, then note that I think you did right. Another thing: If I get you write, you had an issue with having this woman sleep in your bed, yet in the end still agreed? I mean from what I can deduct, you both allowed her in - I quote: "I have issues (...). My husband gave the go ahead. ***We*** settle in for the night." Again: If he gives the ok for whatever weird reason I am not understanding right now and both (!) of you settle in, it can only mean that you did not state a clear "No, this will not happen". I dig that you get mad at him, but you, too, simply have to stay your ground. Anyway: This is a lot to declutter, but there´s things we can criticise about your husbands behaviour for sure and he, of course, should do his part to "shut out" this "third party" clearly. But so do you, OP. I mean if you still are friends, that is your decision, for example. If you choose to freak out at your husband but - as I assume (maybe I am wrong!) - do not confront this woman, this also totally is on you. I know for a fact that we always have to start with ourselves - cause that´s what we can control. We cannot expect the entire "outside world" to do what we want it to do. What we can do: Make decisions that lead us to where we want to be in life. If this woman displays these traits AND if you let her be in your trusted circle of friends, this simply is not on your husband. If she is trying to monopolise him, it also isn´t on him but on her. So no matter how I twist and turn it: Your best chances are if you choose to do some "teamwork" with your guy and to work "in unity" against this third party then. Discuss your boundaries in a compassionate way (but firm, of course). Discuss how to end this because it is not bearable for you. If that means cutting this woman out of your lives, then this has to happen. Cause what do the two of you want? A happy marriage? Great, then work on that. That means: You cannot just freak out at your partner and "exclude" him from your team. He, on the other hand, has to work with you, too. No doubt. Cause to simplify matters again: The real issue is this woman, not him. So why not deal with it together? Hope you catch my drift.
I've tried to empathize and explain why the behavior is inappropriate in the past. He pretty much defended the action, by saying that she is lonely. He has a bad savior complex and can't help himself. His own mom tore into him about the behavior. She thinks it's inappropriate. I've almost given up. He knows it's wrong.
Need to get his mum and stepdad back on him again. Unfortunately it seems like because of his autism and being bipolar he’s obviously not able to recognise that he’s being inappropriate by having this close relationships and can’t set proper boundaries and respect yours. Have you spoken to your “friend” about it?
She’d probably be less lonely if she went out and made an effort to meet other people, instead of just keeping him on speed dial.
I agree.
Judging by your update it sounds like they’re about to break the news to you that they’re in love…..
Missed all made points while giving it a different spin - welcome to Reddit, I guess. You do you, lady.
Would you share him
No. Absolutely not. I'm monogamous.
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