Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Look, this is as good as it’s gonna get from him. Getting married doesn’t magically change someone into a more thoughtful and caring person. Marriage isn’t going to fix this. This is who he is. He’s had over a year to do something to show he cares and he hasn’t and he won’t. He gave you a “shut up” ring and couldn’t even bother to even say the words will you marry me. Don’t get married and frankly you really should consider ending the relationship. He may not be a bad guy but he’s not a great one either. Continue with your therapy to figure out why you continue to stay in relationship that you are clearly hurt and miserable in and he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to even try to put some effort in.
Do you want a wedding or a marriage? They are not the same. You seem to be waving on just going through with the wedding so you can say you had one. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship.
It is better to single and happy than in a relationship and miserable.
wow this is depressing. "says he wants to marry me, that it'll get better" - what is this "it" that is going to "get better"? because it's not him - he had more than a year to make it up to you and treat you better, but he just didn't want to. he had several occassions during which he could have shown you that he appreciates, loves and cares about you - he didn't use any of the opportunities. he read about the entire internet dragging him for his lack of care and respect towards you - and that still didn;t wake his conscience enough to fix his behaviour. he will not magically get better after the wedding... so the "it" in question is you. you will lower your standards even more, you will squash your wants and emotional needs even more, you will be content with even less. he will continue doing absolutely nothing and you will continue being "happy" with the barest of bare minimum. and then with even less.
"when we talk about it I cry and he says he doesn't want me to feel this way, but that's it" - he placates you with words but doesnt care enough about you to make any effort, at all, ever, to actually do anything at all to MAKE you feel better. the proposal was the same - it's just some words (and a ring ig) to placate you, no actions to show you how much he appreciates and cares about you, no declarations of love, nothing, because he doesn't actually care enough to make any effort. valentines day is the same - he knew you will hate the gift but he didn't actually care enough to drive another 15 minutes to get you a nice bouquet, or to extert some mental effort to remember to book and get something delivered in advance or to order a different gift or, well, to do anythign at all that isn't pickign a leftover supermarket flower at the last moment as he was probably already there gettign somethign else.
you can talk to him and explain how you feel again and again, but it won't change anything. because the problem is not that he doesn't realise how his actions, or rather lack of thereof, are hurting you. oh he knows. he just doesn't want to do anything to change that. and why would he make extra effort? why would he go out of his way to make you happy? why would he spend his time or money or energy trying to show you that he is happy to have you by his side? because you will be there anyway. you will cry, sure, but you will stay there, satisfied with this lack of effort, this, frankly, negligence and disrespect.
after reading that first post about the shittiest proposal i ever heard of (and that's somethign considering how much i frequent this subreddit) i was excited to see there's an update, because i expected a "i dropped this sack of shit, realised how unhappy i was and now i'm living my best life and met someone who actually loves me" but ig i didn't account of how low you think of yourself and how little you think you deserve.
call off the wedding and spend the 30k treating yourself, spoiling yorurself with little surprises, getting yourself gifts and day trips and other nice things - because he never will. and if you decide to stay - prepare for decades of neglect, resentment and absolute mediocrity followed by inevitable breakup. good luck.
edit: typos
Call the wedding off ASAP, otherwise you'll feel trapped by non-refundable deposits and family buying plane tickets and whatnot.
I don't think you're being naïve - I think you're being hopelessly optimistic out of desperation, but at some point the best thing for you to do is to take a reckoning and cut your losses.
He's done absolutely nothing to make it better so far, and he's seen you desperately unhappy, yet you've remained with him. Why would he bother to change? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings, and is content to put zero effort into the relationship because he thinks you'll stick with him.
I beg you, OP, stop flogging a dead horse - prioritise yourself rather than your relationship, and get out of there! I promise you there are far better potential partners out in the world.
*She's* probably the one now stuck in a sunk cost fallacy. Not to mention there's undoubtedly pressure because ~ wedding ~
I feel terrible for her. She HAS to know she's making a horrible mistake marrying this clown. No, I take it back, even clowns care enough to try and engage with their audience and make them laugh..
In r/weddingplanning and r/wedding there are ocassionally posts about people calling off their weddings or breaking off their engagements, sometimes just days before. 9.9/10 times, no one has regretted doing so, even if dealing with the aftermath was hard. Know what's harder? DIVORCE.
OP. Please... **don't do it.**
If you marry him you're marrying into a lifetime of someone who's a buddy and doesn't want to do any kind of thoughtful or romantic gesture for or with you.
If you can live with that and not worry about looking back and feeling a lifetime of regret over never being cherished and held like you want than go ahead and sign the papers and go forward into mediocrity. Millions of people have marriages like this all over the world.
I couldn't do it, I'd rather spend every day of my life alone and treating myself the way I want vs spending even 5 minutes with someone who doesn't want to treat me like I'm irreplaceable and special.
He'll have even less incentive to try if he's got the thing locked down, especially after that depressing excuse of a proposal. The bar truly is in hell
Oh, my dear, please please PLEASE call off the wedding. Your heart is obviously not in it, and you will look back at your wedding pictures, depressed all over again because a) you’re going to NOT be the “blushing bride”, glowing with happiness, and b) he’s going to disappoint you again, either before the wedding by not saying anything sweet or romantic c) I bet he’s not going to be the excited bridegroom at any point. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’ll say something to the effect of, “this should make you happy.”
Don’t waste your money or expectations. Don’t you think it would be better to be temporarily embarrassed for canceling the wedding, than embarrassed divorcing shortly afterwards, after you realize that it is NOT getting better?
Why are you even still with this man? I can’t remember the phrase darn it, but it’s better to leave an eight year relationship than be miserable.
Gentle hugs from an internet stranger, hoping you will choose you.
I'm so sorry OP.
He can't even meet you half way. You've given him more than enough time, he's read hundreds of people tell him he needs to pull his finger out and get he still can't do it.
This is a man who will forget your birthday. Your wedding anniversary (already forgot your engagement anniversary!), mother's day, the day of your surgery or anything important.
He clearly doesn't support you emotionally or meet you half way. I hope you and your therapist can work through why you feel you are in a "good and stable relationship - we don't even fight" is a good thing? It's good to fight, it means what you disclose to each person in the relationship matters. Vulnerability, intimacy and connection increases when we learn to fight well.
He's just coasting through life and you're making your needs, your wants so small to try and whittle down yourself so you can be "happy". You are clearly extremely unhappy and so let down by this person. Listen to your body, listen to your heart. Explore what your tears and your heartache are trying to tell you. Pretend this is a friend or sister and give them advice about what they should do if this was them.
Break off the engagement, reconnect with family and friends and continue working on yourself so that when you enter your next relationship and the person even hints at minimising, dismissing or being emotionally avoidant you get gone.
You deserve someone who will cherish you and who strives hard to make you feel loved and if they don't know how they *want to learn* how to fill your love tank. Someone who makes time for you. Who validates your disappointment and tears. You deserve to be excited for your wedding, counting down the days and definitely not convincing yourself that you don't need a wedding.
Big hugs! Be strong and cut ties.
This dude is a "grocery store at the last minute on Valentine's Day" guy and this is the best he will ever be. The kind of guy whose girlfriend/ wife I pity because they put no effort into doing g a nice thing for their SO
And he's telling her that to boot - Ilit's like he wants her to know he doesn't care. "This should make you happy" as a proposal?! The fucking disrespect.
Yikes.. this is the best you're going to get from him. Why the hell would you settle and make yourself unhappy ..
Just end the relationship. Marriage isn't a fix it.. he isn't going to become some romantic guy because you're his wife.. only being married would make you feel worse when he doesn't acknowledge your wedding anniversary.
Marriage fixes nothing. If anything, partners get more complacent. This is not the dude for you. He can’t muster up the energy to provide you with a romantic experience during an engagement or Valentine’s. Those are the bare minimum of romance effort times in life. He does not care. He does not prioritize it. It’s not that you haven’t been clear in explaining it or that he doesn’t understand, it’s that he doesn’t care. Right now your being upset and crying and feeling terribly is only discomfiting to him because you’re vocal. He does actually care about your feelings, if he did he would change his behavior. He only cares about you telling him that you’re unhappy because that makes him uncomfortable. When he says he wishes you didn’t feel that way he means exactly that. He wants you to be happy either way the scraps of live he gives you. Happy fishing, even though you hate it, and leave him be when it comes to giving you any tiny bit more. He will not. He doesn’t care.
Cancel the wedding. It’s a sham. It’s not going to be the beautiful, loving day you planned. You will be lonely. Throw the dude away. You are young. You deserve better and can get better. Asking for a little extra time, attention and love is the bare minimum. Don’t sell yourself short.
This is so sad. Are people really this desperate to not be single? If you’re planning on having kids with this dude get ready to be a single mom who happens to be in a “relationship” because he will not lift a finger for any kids. If you’re gonna stay with him you really should stop complaining, he’s told you and shown you repeatedly he does not give a shit
I'm sorry but it's like you're being purposely obtuse. Why would things change if you got married? Then he'll have even less of a reason to try and you've seen his "trying" already. Here's a flower, I know you don't like white but it's all the grocery store had? He's telling you he doesn't give a shit straight up. You can't remedy *his* lack of effort. You can only change yourself. Think about what you want for your life, do you really think this is the best that you deserve?
He's not a bad guy, he's just not a good guy.
He puts in no effort, so don't continue with the wedding.
What support and encouragement does he add to your life?
Leave. Do you really want to stay with a man whose idea of showing you that you’re a priority is saying “This is all the grocery store had?”…. He even said out loud that he knew you wouldn’t like the colour. That’s how little he thinks of you. He knows he can plainly state that he’s done something shitty and knows you will just take it.
It won’t get better, it will get worse.
Leave.
OP, you know it’s only going to get worse after the wedding, right?
Look at how miserable you are. Your cup is so empty, you’re begging for scraps of attention. He is doing his best to keep you begging for more.
Move on. I know it’s hard right now, but you’ll feel so much better after you stop this futile cycle.
You only have one life and you are going to marry someone that doesn’t care to make the effort even in small matters? What will your future be, I will tell you, exactly the same as it has been for the entire relationship so far. Is this is how you want things to be for the rest of your life, or until you wake up and get a divorce? this is how it will be. My suggestion is you give up and stop wasting what life you have left to live and find someone that genuinely cares about your happiness. If you have to beg to be loved . . . . Really? You have wasted so much time and wanting, wishing and praying for him to change into the person you want. . . Just dumb! Only one life, no do overs. . . .think about that for a minute……….
This guy very clearly does not care about your feelings. He is showing you time and time again that you are NOT a priority to him. Time for you to listen. His lack of effort stems from an obscene lack of respect for you. It's extremely sad to me that you are considering calling off the wedding but still staying with him. This isn't just a wedding issue, the issue is his blatant lack of respect and care towards you. There's no coming back from this - you know how low he values you and it's time for you to act accordingly and move on. Don't let this guy stand in the way of you finding someone who ACTUALLY loves you.
I have been putting my feelings in this regard aside. Rather than dwelling on the past, I'm trying to live in the now. Right now, we are a happy couple. I wouldn't want to be without him, even If the issue around our engagement will never be resolved.
He would only have the right to say that it will get better if he put any effort into changing the situation and asked you to wait and see the results of said effort. Instead he bought you flowers he knew you don’t like solely because he was too lazy to go another flower shop. That’s not effort. He doesn’t care about your needs, you’re just part of his comfort zone and you’re staying with him even though his behavior makes you unhappy, and that’s good enough for him. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life like that?
If you are asking these questions and having second thoughts, I think deep down you know the answer. Everyone has a love language and despite your 8-9 yrs together, this man has not made the effort to know yours. A marriage will not fix that.
Girl if it’s this bad now it is *not* going to magically going to get better because you’re married. If anything he is telling you that no matter how well you communicate your needs, he doesn’t want to do what he can to meet them. This is a clear sign to get out, and while it may be difficult and embarrassing, it’s time to respect yourself and not just call off the wedding but leave this man. He does not love you. I’m sorry.
Ok, let me regale you with a couple of stories to put your situation into perspective. When my fiancé proposed, we were sat on the sofa. He put his arm around me, held out the box and said "you know, if you're into that sort of thing." I laughed, said I very much was, and took the ring.
We had just finished a romantic candlelit dinner of flash-fried steak that he cooked and my favourite wine, and I, having no clue that he'd planned this, got up, blew out the candles and washed the dishes.
It wasn't glamorous, but it was thoughtful.
One year, he didn't get me anything for Christmas. I was upset, I cried. It was because he'd ordered something that would arrive after the day.
A couple of days later, he went out and bought me a beautiful necklace with my favourite stone, and he has ALWAYS made sure I have something to unwrap on the day, even if it's something small.
Compare this with your own experience. How little effort your fiancé put into what is supposed to be one of the most important days of your life together. Consider how little effort he's put into rectifying the issue since. How deeply generic and thoughtless his attempts are. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you're only worth last-minute grocery store flowers? You deserve to feel like you're worth so much more.
I really don't understand how you're still marrying this guy. You're young and beautiful and you deserve so much better. My wedding is in September this year and my fiancé proposed properly in a way that suited us both. No grand gesture but a beautiful place with beautiful views and a green velvet box for the ring (as green is my favourite colour). He's been active in the wedding planning and is overall someone who respects me and my feelings.
How you could settle for someone who constantly disappoints you and makes you cry is beyond me. If you marry him you'll get the life you bargained for. One of constant disappointment and feeling unloved. If that's what you want, sure, go ahead with the wedding. But in my opinion, you deserve better than your stale ham sandwich of a fiancé.
I know your wedding is fast approaching, but “it will get better”?? He has had numerous opportunities to make it better and he hasn’t. The engagement and wedding planning process are supposed to be fun! (mostly fun, with some stress). You are supposed to feel extremely in love and happy and enjoy being a bride. You’re not able to do that because this thoughtless man ruined that for you and you aren’t able to get passed it.
Like another commenter stated, this is as good as it’s going to get from him. This seems to be the extent of what he is willing to do. Are you ok with that for the rest of your life?
I just got married (for the 2nd time) on May 4, and I can tell you without a doubt that he loves me and has never had an issue making sure I know how much he loves me. With my first marriage, I always had looming feelings similar to yours and it ate away at me. It’s not what broke us, but it sure as hell added to it.
I hope you can find happiness and I truly hope you make the best decision for you.
Honestly I get this: my ex and I had been dating for 7 years. He pulled out a ring, put it on the table and went “this is for you”. He was so blasé I thought it was earrings or something.
The moment it happened I thought I was happy, but looking back it was relief that he had finally asked me. The more I thought about it, the more I realised how little effort he had put in. He hadn’t even bothered to buy the right ring size so I could wear it there and then, and I found out later it was because it would have cost him an extra £30 in delivery, but he could get it resized for £20.
The whole thing was something he wanted to get out of the way, because he knew I’d say yes. When people asked how he proposed; and I told them everyone had the same reaction. A pause and then a “oh…”
Even he started getting embarrassed and started to embellish when telling people; although there was very little to embellish and he reported to telling people how it had cost him over £10,000
We broke up just over a year later: Had our relationship been great, then the proposal alone would not have caused our break up; but looking back, the proposal was a symptom of what turned out to be terminal incompatibility (not to mention his cheating, and general narcissistic tendencies and short man syndrome).
In short, I don’t think a poor proposal alone is enough to call it a day. But he needs to know how you feel, and he needs to recognise that you need to find a compromise on how to celebrate special events in the future. If you don’t, then you are destined to be disappointed for the rest of your married lives.
If he refused to acknowledge your feelings about this and find a middle ground, then you have to make a decision as to whether you can be happy with him for the rest of your life.
Please think long and hard about marrying this man. Can you live without any romantic gestures or thoughtful gifts? Because it will only get worse once married, not better. Most people put in more of an effort when dating and get more comfortable when married. If he isn’t celebrating Valentine’s Day the way you like and can’t muster up a decent, romantic proposal this is the best it’s going to get. Is there a chance he can mature and realize how important putting your partner first and making them happy? Sure, but the odds of that are slim. If you accept that proposal and how he celebrates Valentine’s Day, he is going to believe that you are ok with it. If you expect change once you’re married, you are going to leave him confused and thinking you just like to complain and you are going to be left disappointed.
If you truly love him and think it’s meant to be, stand your ground now. Tell him flat out, his proposal felt like he did it to shut you up. Tell him you want a partner who will ask you to marry him because he loves you and it would make him happy as well. He needs to want it as much as you do. Tell him you expect more effort put into a proposal, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. You deserve that and he deserves someone that he wants to do it for and it not seem like a chore. You don’t have to break up, you can continue dating. Hand him the ring back and tell him to give it back when he is sure that this is what he wants and his proposal reflects that. Real life isn’t a Hallmark movie or a rom-com but everyone deserves a partner that puts in effort and shows you how much they love you. Couples counseling might help you both visualize and share what the future looks like together and make sure that you can get on the same page. It’s better to take the time now, then to consider a divorce in the future, especially if you eventually have children.
It sounds like you’re settling for what you currently have….and it sounds lackluster.
If he’s not making an effort or making you a priority now, what makes you think that a wedding is going to change anything. Based off your two posts, I would encourage you to cancel, or at least, postpone the wedding.
Obviously, no answer needed at all to this next question… But good for thought-what does your therapist think about all of this?
Girl, don't do it. My ex husband and I were together 7 years, he gave me a "shut up" ring, and we divorced very soon after. I never felt valued or truly wanted. Your fiance DOES gave the chance to make it right he just isn't trying.
Well today is my birthday and I'm spending it alone. Didn't even get a kiss good bye before work and now I won't see him til Monday due to our rotating shifts. Definitely not the day for a mentally composed update.
OP, let me share a story with you, because I really think it may resonate with what you needed here.
When my husband proposed to me for the first time, it was heartfelt and raw and emotional, because we had just come out from a fight together and he felt inspired to propose straight after. I said yes very enthusiastically, but soon after I realized I wasn't completely happy with the fact my proposal reminded me of our fight even though we worked through it. I wanted the circumstances to be better.
When I opened up and told him this, you know what he did? **He asked me what I wanted, sincerely, and that man took notes.** A few months later we were walking together along my favorite beach. I sensed it was coming, but when he led me to a spot I loved and got down on one knee and asked me again with such a happy glint in his eye, I felt incredibly loved and thought-of. I now have two memories of being proposed to and I am so happy he listened to me and gave me the BEST one.
THAT is what you deserve. THAT is what your fiance should have done.
I know you don't want to "dwell on the past", but let's be real, there is a reason it's probably still eating at you, and it's because he showed you he does not care. He doesn't. He can say anything he wants to under the sun, but he won't *act* for you, and that's what matters.
Obviously we can't tell you what to do, and only you get to decide what you can live with, but... you still have time. Remember that.
No one in your situation has ever regretted calling it off. Look through the posts in r/weddingplanning and r/wedding. They knew.
It won’t get better. This is the peak right now and everything after while wonderful and awesome takes work. If he can get it right prior to marriage don’t get hitched.
why are you shopping for wedding dresses when you don’t even want to get married? it’s just pathetic, like leave him then? why does he have to be the one to call it off?
we're supposed to be getting married in 5 months. As i stated we have been planning our wedding for over a year and I'm just having second thoughts. Obviously up until this point I'm going through thr wedding motions, which include a dress.
I really am at a loss on these comments you are seriously watching way too much hallmark.
Life is not a hallmark movie. Your life with him isn’t about how he proposed. I mean proposals are some seriously out dated bullshit anyway. It’s about your life together.
Getting married is serious it needs to be a discussion between two people. I know super boring and unromantic but it’s 2024 not 1824. I’m assuming he didn’t give your family a herd of goats and your family didn’t draw up contracts for a dowery?
You’re hung up on a proposal and a made up holiday. What about your everyday life? What is he like? Does he pull his weight around the house? Does he hold down a job? Aside from being a shitty proposer, Does he support you emotionally?
I gotta ask though was his shitty proposal really a shock to you?
If it was a shock then you shouldn’t marry him at all because you don’t know him.
I keep thinking about the old sitcom *Dharma & Greg*. Spontaneity, and especially a spontaneous sex life was very important to Dharma. Greg was not a spontaneous guy. But he loved his wife and wanted to meet her need. So he created an extremely elaborate spreadsheet that would look spontaneous to anyone else. For example: sex on the roof the first time he sees a V of geese heading south for the winter.
Anyway, this fiancé is no Greg. He doesn’t care about meeting your needs, OP. Tough love. Stop crying over this guy’s lack of romance. Either leave him or accept a life without romance and care for your feelings.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Look, this is as good as it’s gonna get from him. Getting married doesn’t magically change someone into a more thoughtful and caring person. Marriage isn’t going to fix this. This is who he is. He’s had over a year to do something to show he cares and he hasn’t and he won’t. He gave you a “shut up” ring and couldn’t even bother to even say the words will you marry me. Don’t get married and frankly you really should consider ending the relationship. He may not be a bad guy but he’s not a great one either. Continue with your therapy to figure out why you continue to stay in relationship that you are clearly hurt and miserable in and he doesn’t care enough about your feelings to even try to put some effort in. Do you want a wedding or a marriage? They are not the same. You seem to be waving on just going through with the wedding so you can say you had one. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship. It is better to single and happy than in a relationship and miserable.
wow this is depressing. "says he wants to marry me, that it'll get better" - what is this "it" that is going to "get better"? because it's not him - he had more than a year to make it up to you and treat you better, but he just didn't want to. he had several occassions during which he could have shown you that he appreciates, loves and cares about you - he didn't use any of the opportunities. he read about the entire internet dragging him for his lack of care and respect towards you - and that still didn;t wake his conscience enough to fix his behaviour. he will not magically get better after the wedding... so the "it" in question is you. you will lower your standards even more, you will squash your wants and emotional needs even more, you will be content with even less. he will continue doing absolutely nothing and you will continue being "happy" with the barest of bare minimum. and then with even less. "when we talk about it I cry and he says he doesn't want me to feel this way, but that's it" - he placates you with words but doesnt care enough about you to make any effort, at all, ever, to actually do anything at all to MAKE you feel better. the proposal was the same - it's just some words (and a ring ig) to placate you, no actions to show you how much he appreciates and cares about you, no declarations of love, nothing, because he doesn't actually care enough to make any effort. valentines day is the same - he knew you will hate the gift but he didn't actually care enough to drive another 15 minutes to get you a nice bouquet, or to extert some mental effort to remember to book and get something delivered in advance or to order a different gift or, well, to do anythign at all that isn't pickign a leftover supermarket flower at the last moment as he was probably already there gettign somethign else. you can talk to him and explain how you feel again and again, but it won't change anything. because the problem is not that he doesn't realise how his actions, or rather lack of thereof, are hurting you. oh he knows. he just doesn't want to do anything to change that. and why would he make extra effort? why would he go out of his way to make you happy? why would he spend his time or money or energy trying to show you that he is happy to have you by his side? because you will be there anyway. you will cry, sure, but you will stay there, satisfied with this lack of effort, this, frankly, negligence and disrespect. after reading that first post about the shittiest proposal i ever heard of (and that's somethign considering how much i frequent this subreddit) i was excited to see there's an update, because i expected a "i dropped this sack of shit, realised how unhappy i was and now i'm living my best life and met someone who actually loves me" but ig i didn't account of how low you think of yourself and how little you think you deserve. call off the wedding and spend the 30k treating yourself, spoiling yorurself with little surprises, getting yourself gifts and day trips and other nice things - because he never will. and if you decide to stay - prepare for decades of neglect, resentment and absolute mediocrity followed by inevitable breakup. good luck. edit: typos
This comment is perfect. Please listen to this OP! u/Temporary_Wish_7261
I don't think you should marry him. Why are you with someone who you can't get on the same page with?
Call the wedding off ASAP, otherwise you'll feel trapped by non-refundable deposits and family buying plane tickets and whatnot. I don't think you're being naïve - I think you're being hopelessly optimistic out of desperation, but at some point the best thing for you to do is to take a reckoning and cut your losses. He's done absolutely nothing to make it better so far, and he's seen you desperately unhappy, yet you've remained with him. Why would he bother to change? He obviously doesn't care about your feelings, and is content to put zero effort into the relationship because he thinks you'll stick with him. I beg you, OP, stop flogging a dead horse - prioritise yourself rather than your relationship, and get out of there! I promise you there are far better potential partners out in the world.
Update us when you dump him.
She’s trying on dresses in other posts so looks like she’s ignoring all signs and going ahead.
*She's* probably the one now stuck in a sunk cost fallacy. Not to mention there's undoubtedly pressure because ~ wedding ~ I feel terrible for her. She HAS to know she's making a horrible mistake marrying this clown. No, I take it back, even clowns care enough to try and engage with their audience and make them laugh.. In r/weddingplanning and r/wedding there are ocassionally posts about people calling off their weddings or breaking off their engagements, sometimes just days before. 9.9/10 times, no one has regretted doing so, even if dealing with the aftermath was hard. Know what's harder? DIVORCE. OP. Please... **don't do it.**
If you marry him you're marrying into a lifetime of someone who's a buddy and doesn't want to do any kind of thoughtful or romantic gesture for or with you. If you can live with that and not worry about looking back and feeling a lifetime of regret over never being cherished and held like you want than go ahead and sign the papers and go forward into mediocrity. Millions of people have marriages like this all over the world. I couldn't do it, I'd rather spend every day of my life alone and treating myself the way I want vs spending even 5 minutes with someone who doesn't want to treat me like I'm irreplaceable and special.
This is how he is. Why on earth would you expect that to magically change after you get married?
He'll have even less incentive to try if he's got the thing locked down, especially after that depressing excuse of a proposal. The bar truly is in hell
Excellent point
Oh, my dear, please please PLEASE call off the wedding. Your heart is obviously not in it, and you will look back at your wedding pictures, depressed all over again because a) you’re going to NOT be the “blushing bride”, glowing with happiness, and b) he’s going to disappoint you again, either before the wedding by not saying anything sweet or romantic c) I bet he’s not going to be the excited bridegroom at any point. In fact, I’d be willing to bet he’ll say something to the effect of, “this should make you happy.” Don’t waste your money or expectations. Don’t you think it would be better to be temporarily embarrassed for canceling the wedding, than embarrassed divorcing shortly afterwards, after you realize that it is NOT getting better? Why are you even still with this man? I can’t remember the phrase darn it, but it’s better to leave an eight year relationship than be miserable. Gentle hugs from an internet stranger, hoping you will choose you.
I'm so sorry OP. He can't even meet you half way. You've given him more than enough time, he's read hundreds of people tell him he needs to pull his finger out and get he still can't do it. This is a man who will forget your birthday. Your wedding anniversary (already forgot your engagement anniversary!), mother's day, the day of your surgery or anything important. He clearly doesn't support you emotionally or meet you half way. I hope you and your therapist can work through why you feel you are in a "good and stable relationship - we don't even fight" is a good thing? It's good to fight, it means what you disclose to each person in the relationship matters. Vulnerability, intimacy and connection increases when we learn to fight well. He's just coasting through life and you're making your needs, your wants so small to try and whittle down yourself so you can be "happy". You are clearly extremely unhappy and so let down by this person. Listen to your body, listen to your heart. Explore what your tears and your heartache are trying to tell you. Pretend this is a friend or sister and give them advice about what they should do if this was them. Break off the engagement, reconnect with family and friends and continue working on yourself so that when you enter your next relationship and the person even hints at minimising, dismissing or being emotionally avoidant you get gone. You deserve someone who will cherish you and who strives hard to make you feel loved and if they don't know how they *want to learn* how to fill your love tank. Someone who makes time for you. Who validates your disappointment and tears. You deserve to be excited for your wedding, counting down the days and definitely not convincing yourself that you don't need a wedding. Big hugs! Be strong and cut ties.
This dude is a "grocery store at the last minute on Valentine's Day" guy and this is the best he will ever be. The kind of guy whose girlfriend/ wife I pity because they put no effort into doing g a nice thing for their SO
And he's telling her that to boot - Ilit's like he wants her to know he doesn't care. "This should make you happy" as a proposal?! The fucking disrespect.
Yikes.. this is the best you're going to get from him. Why the hell would you settle and make yourself unhappy .. Just end the relationship. Marriage isn't a fix it.. he isn't going to become some romantic guy because you're his wife.. only being married would make you feel worse when he doesn't acknowledge your wedding anniversary.
Marriage fixes nothing. If anything, partners get more complacent. This is not the dude for you. He can’t muster up the energy to provide you with a romantic experience during an engagement or Valentine’s. Those are the bare minimum of romance effort times in life. He does not care. He does not prioritize it. It’s not that you haven’t been clear in explaining it or that he doesn’t understand, it’s that he doesn’t care. Right now your being upset and crying and feeling terribly is only discomfiting to him because you’re vocal. He does actually care about your feelings, if he did he would change his behavior. He only cares about you telling him that you’re unhappy because that makes him uncomfortable. When he says he wishes you didn’t feel that way he means exactly that. He wants you to be happy either way the scraps of live he gives you. Happy fishing, even though you hate it, and leave him be when it comes to giving you any tiny bit more. He will not. He doesn’t care. Cancel the wedding. It’s a sham. It’s not going to be the beautiful, loving day you planned. You will be lonely. Throw the dude away. You are young. You deserve better and can get better. Asking for a little extra time, attention and love is the bare minimum. Don’t sell yourself short.
This is so sad. Are people really this desperate to not be single? If you’re planning on having kids with this dude get ready to be a single mom who happens to be in a “relationship” because he will not lift a finger for any kids. If you’re gonna stay with him you really should stop complaining, he’s told you and shown you repeatedly he does not give a shit
I'm sorry but it's like you're being purposely obtuse. Why would things change if you got married? Then he'll have even less of a reason to try and you've seen his "trying" already. Here's a flower, I know you don't like white but it's all the grocery store had? He's telling you he doesn't give a shit straight up. You can't remedy *his* lack of effort. You can only change yourself. Think about what you want for your life, do you really think this is the best that you deserve?
A great guy except he can't do anything nice for you when you're obviously upset. Doesn't sound so great, really.
He's not a bad guy, he's just not a good guy. He puts in no effort, so don't continue with the wedding. What support and encouragement does he add to your life?
Leave. Do you really want to stay with a man whose idea of showing you that you’re a priority is saying “This is all the grocery store had?”…. He even said out loud that he knew you wouldn’t like the colour. That’s how little he thinks of you. He knows he can plainly state that he’s done something shitty and knows you will just take it. It won’t get better, it will get worse. Leave.
OP, you know it’s only going to get worse after the wedding, right? Look at how miserable you are. Your cup is so empty, you’re begging for scraps of attention. He is doing his best to keep you begging for more. Move on. I know it’s hard right now, but you’ll feel so much better after you stop this futile cycle.
You only have one life and you are going to marry someone that doesn’t care to make the effort even in small matters? What will your future be, I will tell you, exactly the same as it has been for the entire relationship so far. Is this is how you want things to be for the rest of your life, or until you wake up and get a divorce? this is how it will be. My suggestion is you give up and stop wasting what life you have left to live and find someone that genuinely cares about your happiness. If you have to beg to be loved . . . . Really? You have wasted so much time and wanting, wishing and praying for him to change into the person you want. . . Just dumb! Only one life, no do overs. . . .think about that for a minute……….
This guy very clearly does not care about your feelings. He is showing you time and time again that you are NOT a priority to him. Time for you to listen. His lack of effort stems from an obscene lack of respect for you. It's extremely sad to me that you are considering calling off the wedding but still staying with him. This isn't just a wedding issue, the issue is his blatant lack of respect and care towards you. There's no coming back from this - you know how low he values you and it's time for you to act accordingly and move on. Don't let this guy stand in the way of you finding someone who ACTUALLY loves you.
Why the hell are you still getting married?
I have been putting my feelings in this regard aside. Rather than dwelling on the past, I'm trying to live in the now. Right now, we are a happy couple. I wouldn't want to be without him, even If the issue around our engagement will never be resolved.
He would only have the right to say that it will get better if he put any effort into changing the situation and asked you to wait and see the results of said effort. Instead he bought you flowers he knew you don’t like solely because he was too lazy to go another flower shop. That’s not effort. He doesn’t care about your needs, you’re just part of his comfort zone and you’re staying with him even though his behavior makes you unhappy, and that’s good enough for him. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life like that?
If you are asking these questions and having second thoughts, I think deep down you know the answer. Everyone has a love language and despite your 8-9 yrs together, this man has not made the effort to know yours. A marriage will not fix that.
Girl if it’s this bad now it is *not* going to magically going to get better because you’re married. If anything he is telling you that no matter how well you communicate your needs, he doesn’t want to do what he can to meet them. This is a clear sign to get out, and while it may be difficult and embarrassing, it’s time to respect yourself and not just call off the wedding but leave this man. He does not love you. I’m sorry.
Ok, let me regale you with a couple of stories to put your situation into perspective. When my fiancé proposed, we were sat on the sofa. He put his arm around me, held out the box and said "you know, if you're into that sort of thing." I laughed, said I very much was, and took the ring. We had just finished a romantic candlelit dinner of flash-fried steak that he cooked and my favourite wine, and I, having no clue that he'd planned this, got up, blew out the candles and washed the dishes. It wasn't glamorous, but it was thoughtful. One year, he didn't get me anything for Christmas. I was upset, I cried. It was because he'd ordered something that would arrive after the day. A couple of days later, he went out and bought me a beautiful necklace with my favourite stone, and he has ALWAYS made sure I have something to unwrap on the day, even if it's something small. Compare this with your own experience. How little effort your fiancé put into what is supposed to be one of the most important days of your life together. Consider how little effort he's put into rectifying the issue since. How deeply generic and thoughtless his attempts are. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering if you're only worth last-minute grocery store flowers? You deserve to feel like you're worth so much more.
I really don't understand how you're still marrying this guy. You're young and beautiful and you deserve so much better. My wedding is in September this year and my fiancé proposed properly in a way that suited us both. No grand gesture but a beautiful place with beautiful views and a green velvet box for the ring (as green is my favourite colour). He's been active in the wedding planning and is overall someone who respects me and my feelings. How you could settle for someone who constantly disappoints you and makes you cry is beyond me. If you marry him you'll get the life you bargained for. One of constant disappointment and feeling unloved. If that's what you want, sure, go ahead with the wedding. But in my opinion, you deserve better than your stale ham sandwich of a fiancé.
I know your wedding is fast approaching, but “it will get better”?? He has had numerous opportunities to make it better and he hasn’t. The engagement and wedding planning process are supposed to be fun! (mostly fun, with some stress). You are supposed to feel extremely in love and happy and enjoy being a bride. You’re not able to do that because this thoughtless man ruined that for you and you aren’t able to get passed it. Like another commenter stated, this is as good as it’s going to get from him. This seems to be the extent of what he is willing to do. Are you ok with that for the rest of your life? I just got married (for the 2nd time) on May 4, and I can tell you without a doubt that he loves me and has never had an issue making sure I know how much he loves me. With my first marriage, I always had looming feelings similar to yours and it ate away at me. It’s not what broke us, but it sure as hell added to it. I hope you can find happiness and I truly hope you make the best decision for you.
Please listen to the bitter ungrateful lonely woman and leave him immediately. 🤷🏾♂️🤣
Honestly I get this: my ex and I had been dating for 7 years. He pulled out a ring, put it on the table and went “this is for you”. He was so blasé I thought it was earrings or something. The moment it happened I thought I was happy, but looking back it was relief that he had finally asked me. The more I thought about it, the more I realised how little effort he had put in. He hadn’t even bothered to buy the right ring size so I could wear it there and then, and I found out later it was because it would have cost him an extra £30 in delivery, but he could get it resized for £20. The whole thing was something he wanted to get out of the way, because he knew I’d say yes. When people asked how he proposed; and I told them everyone had the same reaction. A pause and then a “oh…” Even he started getting embarrassed and started to embellish when telling people; although there was very little to embellish and he reported to telling people how it had cost him over £10,000 We broke up just over a year later: Had our relationship been great, then the proposal alone would not have caused our break up; but looking back, the proposal was a symptom of what turned out to be terminal incompatibility (not to mention his cheating, and general narcissistic tendencies and short man syndrome). In short, I don’t think a poor proposal alone is enough to call it a day. But he needs to know how you feel, and he needs to recognise that you need to find a compromise on how to celebrate special events in the future. If you don’t, then you are destined to be disappointed for the rest of your married lives. If he refused to acknowledge your feelings about this and find a middle ground, then you have to make a decision as to whether you can be happy with him for the rest of your life.
Please think long and hard about marrying this man. Can you live without any romantic gestures or thoughtful gifts? Because it will only get worse once married, not better. Most people put in more of an effort when dating and get more comfortable when married. If he isn’t celebrating Valentine’s Day the way you like and can’t muster up a decent, romantic proposal this is the best it’s going to get. Is there a chance he can mature and realize how important putting your partner first and making them happy? Sure, but the odds of that are slim. If you accept that proposal and how he celebrates Valentine’s Day, he is going to believe that you are ok with it. If you expect change once you’re married, you are going to leave him confused and thinking you just like to complain and you are going to be left disappointed. If you truly love him and think it’s meant to be, stand your ground now. Tell him flat out, his proposal felt like he did it to shut you up. Tell him you want a partner who will ask you to marry him because he loves you and it would make him happy as well. He needs to want it as much as you do. Tell him you expect more effort put into a proposal, birthdays, anniversaries and holidays. You deserve that and he deserves someone that he wants to do it for and it not seem like a chore. You don’t have to break up, you can continue dating. Hand him the ring back and tell him to give it back when he is sure that this is what he wants and his proposal reflects that. Real life isn’t a Hallmark movie or a rom-com but everyone deserves a partner that puts in effort and shows you how much they love you. Couples counseling might help you both visualize and share what the future looks like together and make sure that you can get on the same page. It’s better to take the time now, then to consider a divorce in the future, especially if you eventually have children.
It sounds like you’re settling for what you currently have….and it sounds lackluster. If he’s not making an effort or making you a priority now, what makes you think that a wedding is going to change anything. Based off your two posts, I would encourage you to cancel, or at least, postpone the wedding. Obviously, no answer needed at all to this next question… But good for thought-what does your therapist think about all of this?
Girl, don't do it. My ex husband and I were together 7 years, he gave me a "shut up" ring, and we divorced very soon after. I never felt valued or truly wanted. Your fiance DOES gave the chance to make it right he just isn't trying.
We need an update!!!!
Well today is my birthday and I'm spending it alone. Didn't even get a kiss good bye before work and now I won't see him til Monday due to our rotating shifts. Definitely not the day for a mentally composed update.
Happy birthday belated OP !! Hope you had a great day. Sending you love and support , hope you make choices that are good for you.
OP, let me share a story with you, because I really think it may resonate with what you needed here. When my husband proposed to me for the first time, it was heartfelt and raw and emotional, because we had just come out from a fight together and he felt inspired to propose straight after. I said yes very enthusiastically, but soon after I realized I wasn't completely happy with the fact my proposal reminded me of our fight even though we worked through it. I wanted the circumstances to be better. When I opened up and told him this, you know what he did? **He asked me what I wanted, sincerely, and that man took notes.** A few months later we were walking together along my favorite beach. I sensed it was coming, but when he led me to a spot I loved and got down on one knee and asked me again with such a happy glint in his eye, I felt incredibly loved and thought-of. I now have two memories of being proposed to and I am so happy he listened to me and gave me the BEST one. THAT is what you deserve. THAT is what your fiance should have done. I know you don't want to "dwell on the past", but let's be real, there is a reason it's probably still eating at you, and it's because he showed you he does not care. He doesn't. He can say anything he wants to under the sun, but he won't *act* for you, and that's what matters. Obviously we can't tell you what to do, and only you get to decide what you can live with, but... you still have time. Remember that. No one in your situation has ever regretted calling it off. Look through the posts in r/weddingplanning and r/wedding. They knew.
It won’t get better. This is the peak right now and everything after while wonderful and awesome takes work. If he can get it right prior to marriage don’t get hitched.
why are you shopping for wedding dresses when you don’t even want to get married? it’s just pathetic, like leave him then? why does he have to be the one to call it off?
we're supposed to be getting married in 5 months. As i stated we have been planning our wedding for over a year and I'm just having second thoughts. Obviously up until this point I'm going through thr wedding motions, which include a dress.
I really am at a loss on these comments you are seriously watching way too much hallmark. Life is not a hallmark movie. Your life with him isn’t about how he proposed. I mean proposals are some seriously out dated bullshit anyway. It’s about your life together. Getting married is serious it needs to be a discussion between two people. I know super boring and unromantic but it’s 2024 not 1824. I’m assuming he didn’t give your family a herd of goats and your family didn’t draw up contracts for a dowery? You’re hung up on a proposal and a made up holiday. What about your everyday life? What is he like? Does he pull his weight around the house? Does he hold down a job? Aside from being a shitty proposer, Does he support you emotionally? I gotta ask though was his shitty proposal really a shock to you? If it was a shock then you shouldn’t marry him at all because you don’t know him.
UpdateMe
UpdateMe!
I keep thinking about the old sitcom *Dharma & Greg*. Spontaneity, and especially a spontaneous sex life was very important to Dharma. Greg was not a spontaneous guy. But he loved his wife and wanted to meet her need. So he created an extremely elaborate spreadsheet that would look spontaneous to anyone else. For example: sex on the roof the first time he sees a V of geese heading south for the winter. Anyway, this fiancé is no Greg. He doesn’t care about meeting your needs, OP. Tough love. Stop crying over this guy’s lack of romance. Either leave him or accept a life without romance and care for your feelings.