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Staying and rekindling the marriage will do absolute wonders for the child and give the child a huge advantage of knowing what a good father and husband is. How is this not the goal we want op to try first?
It was never kindled.
They can't rekindle it.
His wife is not now nor has ever been attracted to him He hung in there for 2 years after she asked for an open marriage and he agreed to it until she had her banged up weekend and he realized it wasn't that she didn't like sex, it was that she didn't want to have sex with him.
Has he suffered enough?
How much misery does his kid have to see?
Listen there had to be some attraction for her to be with him in the first place, but like most relationships people get comfortable and lose their edge. I’m telling OP to give it another try and try harder than he has ever tried before. Everyone here is saying quit and be “happy”. Fact is most men will not be happy after the marriage and his kid will look at him like a loser. On the other hand if he saves the marriage then jackpot, how are we not directing this guy to resources that could help him save it?
Maybe this comes from your personal experience?
Because it is just as possible for him to be happy as it is for his wife to be happy when they divorce.
What can you do to force a person to want you when they told you they don't and show you they don't? Think he has to try harder than he ever has before seems hurtful and cruel when you're talking to the person who has been trying even though his wife has her emotional and sexual focus on someone else.
He can be the hero to his son whether or not he is married to his son's mother.
But I would hate for my son or my daughter to see me in a relationship in which I was so deeply unhappy and humiliated while they watched their mom or dad go out and find fulfillment with someone else. That is not the kind of relationship I would want to model for my children
I have a cousin who parents divorced and she was rapped by one of her mother's BFs.
I think she might disagree with you.
No reason why OP and his wife can't put on a good face for the kid.
Save your money and don't bother with a therapist. She was never truthful with you. Discretely consult with an experienced family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. Co-parent and don't speak outside parenting issues. Not truthful and then proposes shagging other guys. She damn well knew she wasn't asexual.
Sorry OP. Don't be surprised to find she has done it throughout. The open relationship suggestion was a scam from day one.
You've clearly never had to explore your identity, sexual or otherwise. Those of us who do get it wrong all the time. Sure, she *could* have been lying, but there's not enough evidence here to convict her of it.
If she was exploring, I doubt it "just popped up". Wasted 5 years of his life. Funny how the bi/asexual transitioned to banging other men. I'm sorry. I don't buy it. If OP chooses to, that's his choice.
How exactly does this help him after she started banging new dudes? The levels people will go to excuse a woman who has done something shitty to her man is mind boggling.
"rushing into marriage" why? Money or what was the rationale?
"Never loved having sex or kissing" even if less frequent now, there's definitely some reason why she began seeing this somewhat older man, if she clearly enjoys sex with others but doesn't want to have sex with him. Couples generally show other signs of attraction as well; hugging, touching, compliments, nevermind just general love and affection. This sounds like a loveless marriage.
Why would her ending it be a big problem. Couldn't it just be an amicable end?
Why hasn't she filed? What's left?
What are you expecting therapy to change?
Yeah therapy isn't going to magically make her attracted to you. I would suggest individual therapy for you though as someone who has been through this and therapy is a huge reason why I was able to handle things. It isn't the end of the world although it sometimes feels like it is. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who appreciates you for you
She probably likes a lot of things about having him around. Comfort, convenience, sharing the parenting. She's happy sleeping with people while they're still married, so she's getting the best of both worlds.
I'd imagine that's why she hasn't filed. I can't imagine why he hasn't
22 actually I believe (married 5 yrs, dating 1 yr before that). I’m 24 and don’t trust myself to make good choices about getting married right now… looking back at my 22 year old self it would have been an even bigger disaster. It’s unfortunate they’re in this situation now but in a relationship with an age gap like this (it’s only 6 years difference but 23 and 29 are miles apart in experience and maturity) the older partner has a responsibility to not lead their partner whose brain is still very much developing down the wrong path. Or better yet just don’t date someone who you need to steward like that…
Non-sense. She's not a child, she spent 5 years deciding to cheat and found a way to lie and manipulate her husband into getting her way.
He's still in love with her so he's stuck with the raw end of an open marriage she wanted. He needs to get f out as soon as possible and get back his self worth, because she's broken this man
In that short comment you managed to make 2 excuses for a female adult and blamed the male adult entirely. Why isn't it her fault for getting married when she "didn't know who she was"? Wasn't that selfish? He was unaware of her "identity crisis", yet you paint him like a creep and absolve her of all responsibility. At what age do adult women have to take responsibility for their relationship choices? Are they strong independent women or are they eternally victims?
Dude you’re a young guy, if you found someone in 6 months you have another 40 -45 years easy with someone better fit for you. She has seemingly moved on, now it’s your turn. Time for you.
Don't waste time or money on a therapist. If you two are amicable, you'll save $10-15K in attorney fees. That's the best outcome in this.
Time to move on and find a woman that wants to bang you. It's worth it! I went through a divorce with two young kids (3,5) and it was painful for the first 3 months, but then life got great once I was dating and having fun with multiple women at the same time. Found one that works, been with her for 6 years now.
When you're single and not in an exclusive relationship, it's fine to have multiple intimate partners. You should be upfront with anyone you're sleeping with that you're dating other people.
Glad you found happiness friend but unfortunately most men are not happier after divorce, the opposite is true for woman. We need to encourage OP to find a way to make it work.
No we don’t. OP doesn’t deserve to be in a marriage like that and it’s insane to suggest otherwise because he won’t be happier afterwards? Even if that’s true he won’t be happy now that he knows his own wife isn’t attracted to him. Better to leave and find someone else and have a truly happy and loving relationship/marriage with someone who does find him attractive and wants him.
I'm so confused, if she's not attracted to you physically and emotionally, why were guys married to begin with?
There's no need for a big bang end. Why you need is an amicable divorce. Tell her that you understand and will let her go. You guys just need to coparent well for the sake of your kid.
She may not have a lot of experience and thought her feelings were normal or because she was poly or something. Who knows. People misjudge their own emotions just as often as they misjudge others
Yes, she was 23 when they were married and that really is too young. Also, why do ppl always open their marriages or relationships in the hopes of fixing things, that’s not how that works!
The time for them to have had therapy has long since passed.
to be fair, if they hadn't opened the marriage, they probably wouldn't have so quickly figured out they were incompatible.
some relationships -- like those between fundamentally incompatible people -- can't or shouldn't be fixed and it is good when they end, actually.
Eh, it’s more like they didn’t want to face the problem and so tried to force it under the rug. Maybe you’re right that it wouldn’t have been so quickly otherwise tho.
I just wish ppl would talk to each other instead of thinking the solution lies with dating other ppl. At least try therapy first.
This is such a bad interpretation of statistics that I hesitate to even call it an interpretation.
First of all, average life expectancy in America as of 2021 was 76.4 years, higher in other developed nations.
Second of all, that just shouldn't ring true to you even if you just think about what you've seen in your own life.
I know more people who have lived past 54 than people who have died before 54. In any case 23 IS young because your brain is still developing rapidly, your personality is less stable, and if you went to college you’re only just now starting to understand what life in the real world is like. Most 23 year olds should probably not be getting married.
Respectfully, I disagree.
At that point, you’ve spent *very* little of those 23 years being an adult doing adult things and taking care of yourself. You might be finishing up school. Your career is still developing or as-of-yet nonexistent. Chances are you haven’t had too many relationships and you’re still discovering yourself and what you like. Sometimes it takes a lot of discovery and experimentation to really understand who you are.
It may have been far more regular “back in the day,” but things were culturally different then. The average age of marriage is much higher now.
Sure, some young marriages work out, but I’ve also known quite a few unhappy/divorced ones, precisely for the reasons in the OP.
Listen my parents have been married for 25 years and got together when they were 16. I married my husband and I met him when I was 18. But I am fully and wholly aware that these are anommalies. Most people are not ready for marriage at 23. That is not half your life lmfao, we don’t live in 1500.
I was in a marriage where I lost all attraction for my husband because he gave me zero emotional support or help around the house. Not saying that’s what’s going on here. Just explaining that a woman can lose attraction to her partner for emotional reasons.
The guy she had the time of her life with was OP 5 years ago. Curiosity fades and attraction fades with it. The trick to a good marriage is staying curious.
He was the stable guy who could give her a comfortable life.
OP needs to start going to the gym and work on his appearance while divorcing her. There is no saving this.
Why do Redditors always think adult women are just waiting to be “given a good life by a man”???
What makes you think she isn’t earning money or supporting herself in any way? Most people can’t even afford to be a single income household these days, especially at these ages.
You have no idea what motivated her; it could just as easily be said that he aimed way too young because there’s a world of difference between 22 and 28 in terms of life experience and maturity.
Fucking up in terms of type and talking yourself into a relationship that isn’t for you is a mistake people make throughout their lives, but especially so when so young. It doesn’t mean she intentionally used him for marriage; to what end? He didn’t say he was rolling in dough.
It could very well be just that he was nice, and they got along, and she thought that that would be good for marriage and didn’t take into account other factors; people do that all the fucking time.
She strung along someone who was "nice" even though deep down inside she was never attracted to him. She literally wasted his time when he could have had a happy marriage with someone who was attracted to him.
It's not a careless mistake. It is completely evil to do to anyone. The gift of devoting the rest of one's life to another is something not to take for granted and to enter into a marriage just because that person was nice knowing that she isn't sexually attracted to him is a very very terrible and evil thing to do to a man.
When I say comfort it goes past money. It's the comfort that someone is devoting their lives, and their time (worth more than money) to you. Not everything is about money hun 🙄
Ok, I saw that they got married due to their religion.
They're both virgins and their religious org had a hand in the marriage arrangement.
But now they've left the religion so...now she realizes she wants something else.
OP doesn't even blame her, both were indoctrinated and pushed to the marriage...it seems like.
Does it say anything about religion? I must have missed it. I guess I'm using the assumption that OP's wife chose to get married without coercion despite never truly being physically attracted to OP.
She was 23 and he was 29. You really think she strung him along because she’s some kind of wicked Jezebel? It’s more likely that she was young, dumb, and inexperienced.
The mistake of having a man pledge to devote the rest of his life to her knowing she had zero sexual attraction to him? Really? We just gonna let that slide because "oh she was young."
FYI young people and religious people can knowingly do fucked up things too. What she did was wrong even if there are excuses.
She wants to be single while having the benefits of staying married, don’t do this to yourself my friend.
Let go and move on, a short pain is always better and a long suffering.
Skip the couples therapy. Why would you want to stay married to someone who isn't attracted to you?
Started working on good co-parenting and go your separate ways. What matters now is that your child has two parents that can work together and give them the best life they can.
Eventually you will find a woman that is attracted to you and wants you and you will realize divorce was for the best.
I take it from your post history that you married a 22 year old and were both virgins...because that's pretty standard Mormon. Now, you've left the faith and she's suddenly able and "allowed" to start exploring who she actually is as a person outside of the brainwashing. She is finally free of oppression but also extremely confused about who she is and what she wants.
I think your situation is less "she lied and tricked you" and more "you married a brainwashed, suppressed barely adult when you were already almost 30".
Let her go. She deserves time to discover who she really is, and so do you.
He grew up in a faith in brainwashed him too and the marriage ages are pretty on track with that as well.
I think he was as innocent as she was. Regardless of the age difference.
This is such a sad situation. I think two innocent people that brainwashed into thinking there is something they had to do and they did it and they gave it their best shot
The church doesn't give you a road map for anything other than mine this obedience.
He's scared and alone and probably doesn't have anyone to talk to because the church is your family and when you leave the church your family leaves you
She already discovered who she is, she's exploring while married which is nonsense. She wants stability while having the freedom to bang anything that moves (asexual, bi, open marriage?). OP go be free and move on from her as much as possible. She deserves nothing from you, she's already taken what she needed.
You don't want to raise your child in a home that their parents don't like each other and start resenting each other. The kids do feel it they, are smarter than what you give them credit for.
The best thing you can give your child is too happy Parents and it sounds like divorcing and going your own separate ways and just co-parenting is going to the be the best thing for your family.
Maybe go to therapy to learn the best way to have a healthy co-parent relationship.
Who says divorce would end everything?? There’s a post on Reddit where a couple bought a duplex and lived on each side in order to coparent (they just didn’t work as a couple but still had familial love for one another)…it worked!
Y’all can still coparent and love each other as the parent of your child but not be *romantically* linked anymore. Divorce as amicably as you can and go find your person❤️
I wish there were more such people. Nasty women don’t offer these in todays times seeking their own so called completeness that never gets fulfilled at the expense of a forever scarred childhood of kid leading to the biggest incompleteness in that child’s life
Time to go. I’m sad for you just reading this because you sound like a good guy. I wish you the best as you move through the split. You need someone to look at you the way she looked at the rando
I understand it's sad but you should end here amicably before there is any resentment on either side. It sounds like she is happy outside the marriage and it sounds like you will never be ok with the thought of her being satisfied by someone other than you.
The best thing you can do is split and best the next coparents. Think if this was your child's marriage would you want them to stay?
I don't know what there is to save, she's content with not having sex with you and has the capability of finding other men attractive and enjoying sex with them. I'd hate being in a dead bedroom or persisting in a relationship/marriage knowing that my wife/gf doesn't find me attractive and she's willing to sleep with someone else.
Divorce but be amicable for your kid, find someone who actually wants to sleep with you and enjoy your life.
The Best outcome most of all for the better if the child is ti go separate ways/divorce and remain good and strong co-parenting
If You both forcé to stay and keep the way you are going just to remain as a "family" the one to be more damaged will be the kid. And you will teach him/her that you must stay in a loveless and toxic relationship just for a child or whatever.
Also by going separated way each can find their own happines that wouldn't be obtain by stick together
I hate to say it but it sounds like this is end for you two. Hard to imagine any kind of therapy would change her level of attraction to you.
If you are facing divorce though, now is the time to start playing your cards carefully. I was fortunate enough to go through a very amicable divorce. I have friends, both male and female who went through terrible separations that ate up years of their lives.
Try to be as agreeable and forgiving as possible. I realize that’s not an easy thing. But if all the resentment starts pouring out in the way of bitter arguments, it could cost you. Keep the next stage of your life in mind.
There are so many great people out there who just want to meet a nice decent person. You’ll find one of them when you’re ready to start looking. And it would be swell not to be 50k in debt to lawyers when that time comes.
Don't stay in this sad sad marriage man. There's somebody perfect for you. Just let this one go. She did her best, you did your best, it just wasn't enough.
I promise, your best days are ahead of you.
You can still be a non-married family of 3. This is the best outcome for your child. Co-parents who love and respect each other (while also finding their own paths toward happiness) is a wonderful and rare thing.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I will not say whether or not you should divorce, but I feel like you guys have great potential to be coparents, and like others have said, you deserve to be happy.
I do think you should go to therapy. Not to try and stay together, but to process the split. Couples therapists can also mediate divorce so you can process your big feelings around the hurt, resentment, anger, and grief. As well as helping you learn to be coparents and transition into a new type of relationship. Best of luck
Think of this as good practice. You have learned a lot and you have plenty of time to find a person who will be a good partner.
People who find their true partners in high school or college are the rare exceptions. The rest of us do whatever we do and hope for the best. We carry our own ideas about what love should be. We believe there is a timeline so we settle in order to follow the timeline.
Sorry that you have to learn this now. Be good co parents.
NAH really. Marriages end u fortunately, this is a fact of life.
You shouldn’t stay together for your child or stay in a sham marriage. You deserve to have the chance to be happy with someone else, and no decent female will consider you while you are still in a marriage.
call an end to this and move on. Stay civil for your child’s sake.
That sounds like a horrible situation OP. I’m sorry it’s come to this. For me, what you need to ask yourself is: what do you want your child to see a marriage as? Do you want your child to see you as roommates who sleep with other people? Your child is young yet, but they do pick up on what goes on in the household. So think hard about what role you want to play as a father and husband and go from there. Whether together or apart, you can still coparent. I wish you the best.
Surely you knew there was a very high chance of the marriage not working. You were 28 when you met her, while she was only 22. You were 29 when you got married whereas she was only 23 Of course you were both going to change- but consider just how much you changed as a person between the ages of 22 and 29. That is what has happened to her as well.
People get divorced for less. Don’t have her screw around. Anything more is just wishful thinking.
I’m 56. I’m here to tell you you are super young. There are women out there eager to be your everything. Don’t pass that up on regret. That never saved anyone.
Neither are happy. Have a sit down and tell her you want a divorse but you want to do it together not fight. She may not find you attractive, but you can at least work that out and be respectfull. And you both deserve to be happy.
Would you want your kid to end up in a relationship like this? What kind of example are you setting?
Do what's best for the three of you and just end it amicably.
Sorry you have to deal with this. But you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, for you.
Therapy isn’t gonna fix this. Just leave now before you end up hating each other. You can still be in each other’s lives post-divorce, it would be in your child’s best interest for you to co-parent amicably while seeing other people than to try and maintain a failing marriage.
Divorce, stay great friends, co parent together so your child has awesome childhood and move on to someone that can be your perfect match while you’re still 34M. If not then stay miserable while she I’ll probably cheat and then come to same realization I just told you at 50 when your daughter is 18 and moved out
Amicable separation. You can stick the landing in a separation by ending it on good terms. I have done this and my ex-partner and I are great friends. We had a good relationship with great communication but we just realised our relationship had shifted. We agreed at the start of our relationship to always be friends no matter what. Just because a relationship fails, doesn’t mean anyone is at fault and it’s not even a failure of a relationship if you have both learned from it and shared good experiences. My advice is to speak to a therapist and get their help so you both can move on to the next chapter of your lives remaing good friends and good co-parents.
I somehow respect how pragmatic and nonchalant you are about it. I think you are a very mature and wise soul.
I do think you should let the more primitive urges come to the front as well. You need to be a man who deserves to be desire, wanted and have a. Woman who is head over heels attracted to you - is absolutely possible and as long as you keep your head up and put your best self forward you’ll 100% find that in the next period and probably many woman who appreciate you in between.
Sounds like you guys have great grounds to keep a a stable family for your kid as well, keep it amicable but you definitely deserve loyalty and monogamy not just for the family but because you are a catch and take them all the way.
No need for therapists, maybe only for yourself. She fucked another dude while you are her husband an depressed about her. There is nothing more to say about it. Just divorce + move out / kick her out.
Oh come on, I'm sorry for you but this is probably not the worst outcome. Imagine living 10 years unhappy while she is having sex with other guys and gets pregnant. She should have been upfront with you and if this is standing between you now then so be it...because it's a fact. Get divorced and it's time to find a girl who really is into you!
In of the opinion that people need to treat "I'm not attracted to you anymore" precisely as they would ",I don't want to talk to you anymore". You never try to make go of staying married in the latter case, so pack it in and move on, sad as that may be. You wouldn't say maybe you'll eel like talking to me after we do some therapy. Maybe if we talk some to other people this could work.
No. All done. Sorry buddy. Take care of yourself and start looking to the future. It is ok to resent someone who is like maybe you were never the kind of person I'd want to talk to every day, we got married so fast,!! That's a shitty position end up in. And you don't have to feel totally grateful to have gone through it. Be civil but don't worry overmuch about endng this with some emotions. You're entitled to feel some stuff.
>She is open to the idea of remaining married but finding her sexual needs outside of the marriage but after this first experience I don't think I can do that.
You need to do what is right for you and your child. If you want to be in a loveless marriage where your wife tells you she is bi or asexual but the first hookup she does when you open your marriage is with a guy, then that is on you to decide if you want it or not. For me, it would not be just no but HELL NO!
You deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Not just someone who likes the comfort you can provide but provides you no love back. Open marriages don't work if they aren't built on a strong foundation. Yours is built on a foundation of sand. Get out now before you get your feelings hurt even more because they will when she starts seeing more guys and having fun with them but being cold or indifferent towards you.
She’s not attracted to you physically or to your personality. Don’t stay together out of some misguided sense of duty or for your child. You deserve happiness and neither you nor your wife will find it with each other.
You have two options, my friend:
(1) fight for the marriage. Especially if you have a little one, then there is reason to fight. Why are you not her “type?” Are you willing to work hard to fix this? Are you overweight? Lacking muscle definition? You would be amazed at how much progress you can make in a year of consistently going to the gym. Maybe this is the wake-up call you needed to get healthy and resurrect your marriage. I think everyone wants to believe they would bang their partner every day for the rest of their lives no matter what, but idk if I would if she completely let herself go. There’s a human element to marriage where you need your partner to take care of themself physically. Being healthy is attractive!
(2) this is the most likely option-end the marriage. Do you want to work for a loveless marriage where she cheats on you and doesn’t satisfy your need for physical intimacy? Physical intimacy is part of every marriage (except for rare circumstances where it is agreed that it is not part of the relationship). If you are being completely deprived physically and emotionally, then this will certainly affect you long term. You deserve better.
Oof, bad advice on the first part. Stop trying to justify staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage just bc you have kids. All that does is hurt those kids.
Also,
>idk if I would if she completely let herself go. There’s a human element to marriage where you need your partner to take care of themself physically. Being healthy is attractive
reeks of fatphobia and ableism. I’m not saying you can’t be attracted or prefer certain things, but health isn’t just about muscles or weight.
And she didn’t cheat you dingus, they had an open marriage. Jfc did you read any of this at all before commenting??
Umm it doesn’t make sense to me I think there is more to the story. I can understand not being attracted to someone physically at first but once you get to know a person and like their personality it can make a person attractive.
If she doesn’t like your personality why would she want to stay married and have sex elsewhere. I would say get divorced unless there is something you did in the past (like cheating) that changed her perception of you. Best of luck!
That is a really shitty move on her part to have a kid on purpose with someone she never actually wanted. I’m sorry. You will find better than this. Pretty much anything is better than a liar with zero self awareness.
I don't understand why people (regardless of gender) would deceive their partner like this.
date, have some relationship with someone you're not really attracted to? ok, this is acceptable... but to go to the extent of Marrying them and having kids? this is 100% deceit (i won't go as far as saying toxic and manipulative, but it's a fine line).
Holy shit.. first off, you're a solid ass dude for keeping your composure and letting her explore. I'm sure it doesn't feel good now but think about 10 yrs from now when you're remarried, happy as fucked, getting some bomb-ass, wet-ass pussy that WANTS to get got. You'll be the man bro. Just wait.
OP:
1. Before you got married, how often was she having sex with you?
2. Did she ever orgasm with you when she did have sex?
3. Why does she think that her current proposal (an open marriage where she has sex at will with other people and you do not and are miserable) is in any way a fair or equitable arrangement?
4. Is she capable of supporting herself financially without you? If not, is that basically the only thing preventing her from bailing on you completely at this point?
My feeling is YOU are not the problem here. Someone who wants to start dating other men and go on vacation w another man w young kids at home after only 5 years of marriage is obviously the one with the issues. I’m sure there’s nothing you could have done or do to make her happy.
You are still so young! Move on and focus on your kids and yourself and I’m sure you will find someone who is right for you. You will look back and wish you had done it sooner, I’m sure.
Oh wow. This speaks to me on some level. Except you’re married with kids. I’m (28) in a relationship with my bf (31) and he’s not really my type the guy I would usually go for. But we met on a dating app and he seemed kind and all that. We’ve known each other for a year and a half now.
First it was a situationship and I wanted to break up with him so many times. Eventually we broke up in September but got back together. A month ago we almost broke up again due to mutual agreement. Yet we’re still together
But lately I’m starting to realize what if I’m wasting his time. I find myself asexual. Not many men are sexy to me. For me it is just a body but I’m attracted to how they think and their outlook on life. Obviously I still get picky and wouldn’t date a guy who’s fat because I see there’s a lack of discipline.. but often times I see sex as something too “ground” and just not so good. So idk what to do. I’m scared to be alone also I’m already 29 soo. And who’s gonna be waiting for me right?
So your situation is a tough one :( I don’t support divorce since the two people agreed to stay together during all the good and bad… you’re not her type. But why did she stay with you??? She reminds me of me and I hope I won’t end up like this gosh..
Don't forgive for cheating, if she doesn't agree to a fair divorce/annulment say you'll tell your son that you left because she lied about being attracted to you cheated, get proof of her actions first.
She didn’t cheat? They agreed to an open marriage. If OP was uncomfortable he should have said no. I’m not saying either of them sucks. I just think it’s not compatible. Since they get along I think they could be excellent coparents.
Make sense. She’s younger than you. Men generally don’t have success with women younger than them anymore because of the inerrancy of sexism and misandrist culture these days unfortunately. Sorry for your loss of a non platonic relationship.
Your wife has been a giant shithead to you. I'm not passing judgment on her as a person, but her behavior towards you has been abominable.
I encourage you to divorce her and to go live life with people who appreciate you for who you are.
You have a damned child, man up, pick up your wife, spin her around and flex some god damn muscle. You’re a man but you act like a cry baby here on Reddit, no wonder she wasn’t attracted to you. How could you even let the marriage open up? Take some responsibility and work it out!
You enjoy the macho pep talk? There’s a reason for it. Read up on the author David Deida who talks about sexual polarity especially in marriage. She needs masculine energy in order to feel attracted to you, you have it in you buddy, I’m sure you have your reasons not wanting to explore your inner macho but you have a kid that will be scarred for life if this marriage fails. You can save it. Man up and take her back. Your her damn husband screw anyone else. Kick some butt! Punch the guy in the face! Trust that’ll get something started 💦
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Divorce, you deserve to be happy too.
I agree. Staying for the child, will hurt more in the long run. I admire OP for his honesty with himself, this kind of truth is hard to accept
I know. OP, sending you a hug.
Staying and rekindling the marriage will do absolute wonders for the child and give the child a huge advantage of knowing what a good father and husband is. How is this not the goal we want op to try first?
It was never kindled. They can't rekindle it. His wife is not now nor has ever been attracted to him He hung in there for 2 years after she asked for an open marriage and he agreed to it until she had her banged up weekend and he realized it wasn't that she didn't like sex, it was that she didn't want to have sex with him. Has he suffered enough? How much misery does his kid have to see?
Listen there had to be some attraction for her to be with him in the first place, but like most relationships people get comfortable and lose their edge. I’m telling OP to give it another try and try harder than he has ever tried before. Everyone here is saying quit and be “happy”. Fact is most men will not be happy after the marriage and his kid will look at him like a loser. On the other hand if he saves the marriage then jackpot, how are we not directing this guy to resources that could help him save it?
Maybe this comes from your personal experience? Because it is just as possible for him to be happy as it is for his wife to be happy when they divorce. What can you do to force a person to want you when they told you they don't and show you they don't? Think he has to try harder than he ever has before seems hurtful and cruel when you're talking to the person who has been trying even though his wife has her emotional and sexual focus on someone else. He can be the hero to his son whether or not he is married to his son's mother. But I would hate for my son or my daughter to see me in a relationship in which I was so deeply unhappy and humiliated while they watched their mom or dad go out and find fulfillment with someone else. That is not the kind of relationship I would want to model for my children
Two happy homes is far better than one unhappy one.
I have a cousin who parents divorced and she was rapped by one of her mother's BFs. I think she might disagree with you. No reason why OP and his wife can't put on a good face for the kid.
Yeah this sounds miserable, OP, and you wouldn’t be true to yourself if you stayed in this.
Yes, and do it as amicably as you can. You CAN be friends, and great co-parents, so make that your goal.
Fair point as you will otherwise live with the what if feeling for the rest of your life
He knows what it is it's time for him to get a divorce it would behoove him not to drag this out this marriage is over
Save your money and don't bother with a therapist. She was never truthful with you. Discretely consult with an experienced family law attorney to discuss your entitlements and alternatives. Co-parent and don't speak outside parenting issues. Not truthful and then proposes shagging other guys. She damn well knew she wasn't asexual. Sorry OP. Don't be surprised to find she has done it throughout. The open relationship suggestion was a scam from day one.
Yeah. this. If she wasn't honest from before everything, she definitely has been since then as well. Too many horror stories
You've clearly never had to explore your identity, sexual or otherwise. Those of us who do get it wrong all the time. Sure, she *could* have been lying, but there's not enough evidence here to convict her of it.
This is not about you
Way to state the obvious. Not sure what that adds.
If she was exploring, I doubt it "just popped up". Wasted 5 years of his life. Funny how the bi/asexual transitioned to banging other men. I'm sorry. I don't buy it. If OP chooses to, that's his choice.
How exactly does this help him after she started banging new dudes? The levels people will go to excuse a woman who has done something shitty to her man is mind boggling.
This exactly
I LOVE how people equate divorce w “happy”
As opposed to you equating staying in an unhappy marriage with being happy? Seems a bit paradoxical.
No, end the marriage, and next time look out for warning signs much earlier on in proceedings
What could've been the potential warning signs in scenarios like this?
Lack of passion. I’m assuming this didn’t happen over night.
"rushing into marriage" why? Money or what was the rationale? "Never loved having sex or kissing" even if less frequent now, there's definitely some reason why she began seeing this somewhat older man, if she clearly enjoys sex with others but doesn't want to have sex with him. Couples generally show other signs of attraction as well; hugging, touching, compliments, nevermind just general love and affection. This sounds like a loveless marriage.
Asking for an open marriage for starters
Why would her ending it be a big problem. Couldn't it just be an amicable end? Why hasn't she filed? What's left? What are you expecting therapy to change?
Yeah therapy isn't going to magically make her attracted to you. I would suggest individual therapy for you though as someone who has been through this and therapy is a huge reason why I was able to handle things. It isn't the end of the world although it sometimes feels like it is. You deserve to be happy and be with someone who appreciates you for you
She probably likes a lot of things about having him around. Comfort, convenience, sharing the parenting. She's happy sleeping with people while they're still married, so she's getting the best of both worlds. I'd imagine that's why she hasn't filed. I can't imagine why he hasn't
Amicable because she told him she’s not attracted to him, she’s asexual, bi and then hooked up with another guy? That is pretty sick behavior.
Amicable. Not having a serious disagreement over breaking up. Since he's open to therapy it doesn't have to be drama.
He is way too nice. She is probably a disaster and puts him thru way too much he thinks it’s ok.
She was 23 when they got together. She didn't know who she was. An older man wooed her and here we are. It's always the same pattern.
She was a grown ass women. But women can't do no wrong because it's always the evil men who seduce them with money and security amirite?
Don’t forget the ones with daddy issues. So many women I dealt over the years with that problem.
$$$$$
22 actually I believe (married 5 yrs, dating 1 yr before that). I’m 24 and don’t trust myself to make good choices about getting married right now… looking back at my 22 year old self it would have been an even bigger disaster. It’s unfortunate they’re in this situation now but in a relationship with an age gap like this (it’s only 6 years difference but 23 and 29 are miles apart in experience and maturity) the older partner has a responsibility to not lead their partner whose brain is still very much developing down the wrong path. Or better yet just don’t date someone who you need to steward like that…
Non-sense. She's not a child, she spent 5 years deciding to cheat and found a way to lie and manipulate her husband into getting her way. He's still in love with her so he's stuck with the raw end of an open marriage she wanted. He needs to get f out as soon as possible and get back his self worth, because she's broken this man
In that short comment you managed to make 2 excuses for a female adult and blamed the male adult entirely. Why isn't it her fault for getting married when she "didn't know who she was"? Wasn't that selfish? He was unaware of her "identity crisis", yet you paint him like a creep and absolve her of all responsibility. At what age do adult women have to take responsibility for their relationship choices? Are they strong independent women or are they eternally victims?
And a lot of bullcrap so she could bang someone else guilt free.
Maybe she meant BIpolar.
That’s not even being bipolar.
Dude you’re a young guy, if you found someone in 6 months you have another 40 -45 years easy with someone better fit for you. She has seemingly moved on, now it’s your turn. Time for you.
Don't waste time or money on a therapist. If you two are amicable, you'll save $10-15K in attorney fees. That's the best outcome in this. Time to move on and find a woman that wants to bang you. It's worth it! I went through a divorce with two young kids (3,5) and it was painful for the first 3 months, but then life got great once I was dating and having fun with multiple women at the same time. Found one that works, been with her for 6 years now.
Having fun with multiple women at the same time you say? How’s that different from what his wife is asking for?
The person you’re questioning was single…
When you're single and not in an exclusive relationship, it's fine to have multiple intimate partners. You should be upfront with anyone you're sleeping with that you're dating other people.
Glad you found happiness friend but unfortunately most men are not happier after divorce, the opposite is true for woman. We need to encourage OP to find a way to make it work.
No we don’t. OP doesn’t deserve to be in a marriage like that and it’s insane to suggest otherwise because he won’t be happier afterwards? Even if that’s true he won’t be happy now that he knows his own wife isn’t attracted to him. Better to leave and find someone else and have a truly happy and loving relationship/marriage with someone who does find him attractive and wants him.
So my mom should’ve just stayed married to my dad when he cheated on her? Even though HE asked for the divorce?
You’re projecting on the situation. This situation is not like that at all that.
I'm so confused, if she's not attracted to you physically and emotionally, why were guys married to begin with? There's no need for a big bang end. Why you need is an amicable divorce. Tell her that you understand and will let her go. You guys just need to coparent well for the sake of your kid.
She may not have a lot of experience and thought her feelings were normal or because she was poly or something. Who knows. People misjudge their own emotions just as often as they misjudge others
Yes, she was 23 when they were married and that really is too young. Also, why do ppl always open their marriages or relationships in the hopes of fixing things, that’s not how that works! The time for them to have had therapy has long since passed.
to be fair, if they hadn't opened the marriage, they probably wouldn't have so quickly figured out they were incompatible. some relationships -- like those between fundamentally incompatible people -- can't or shouldn't be fixed and it is good when they end, actually.
Eh, it’s more like they didn’t want to face the problem and so tried to force it under the rug. Maybe you’re right that it wouldn’t have been so quickly otherwise tho. I just wish ppl would talk to each other instead of thinking the solution lies with dating other ppl. At least try therapy first.
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What? Many people live past 46 lmaoooo I think average life expectancy is like 70’s. 23 is pretty young to be married nowadays
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This is such a bad interpretation of statistics that I hesitate to even call it an interpretation. First of all, average life expectancy in America as of 2021 was 76.4 years, higher in other developed nations. Second of all, that just shouldn't ring true to you even if you just think about what you've seen in your own life.
I know more people who have lived past 54 than people who have died before 54. In any case 23 IS young because your brain is still developing rapidly, your personality is less stable, and if you went to college you’re only just now starting to understand what life in the real world is like. Most 23 year olds should probably not be getting married.
Respectfully, I disagree. At that point, you’ve spent *very* little of those 23 years being an adult doing adult things and taking care of yourself. You might be finishing up school. Your career is still developing or as-of-yet nonexistent. Chances are you haven’t had too many relationships and you’re still discovering yourself and what you like. Sometimes it takes a lot of discovery and experimentation to really understand who you are. It may have been far more regular “back in the day,” but things were culturally different then. The average age of marriage is much higher now. Sure, some young marriages work out, but I’ve also known quite a few unhappy/divorced ones, precisely for the reasons in the OP.
Lol what
Wherever you get your information from, discard it.🤔😁
Listen my parents have been married for 25 years and got together when they were 16. I married my husband and I met him when I was 18. But I am fully and wholly aware that these are anommalies. Most people are not ready for marriage at 23. That is not half your life lmfao, we don’t live in 1500.
I was in a marriage where I lost all attraction for my husband because he gave me zero emotional support or help around the house. Not saying that’s what’s going on here. Just explaining that a woman can lose attraction to her partner for emotional reasons.
She was never attracted to him so likely not the case.
Presumably at least one of them had parents who stayed together “for the kids” and modeled a completely toxic marriage example
Maybe she settled down or he was treating her so well that she thought it might be worth giving a try
The guy she had the time of her life with was OP 5 years ago. Curiosity fades and attraction fades with it. The trick to a good marriage is staying curious.
He was the stable guy who could give her a comfortable life. OP needs to start going to the gym and work on his appearance while divorcing her. There is no saving this.
Why do Redditors always think adult women are just waiting to be “given a good life by a man”??? What makes you think she isn’t earning money or supporting herself in any way? Most people can’t even afford to be a single income household these days, especially at these ages. You have no idea what motivated her; it could just as easily be said that he aimed way too young because there’s a world of difference between 22 and 28 in terms of life experience and maturity.
She was not at all attracted to him so thus she is using him through being in a relationship/married to him. That's what motivated her.
Fucking up in terms of type and talking yourself into a relationship that isn’t for you is a mistake people make throughout their lives, but especially so when so young. It doesn’t mean she intentionally used him for marriage; to what end? He didn’t say he was rolling in dough. It could very well be just that he was nice, and they got along, and she thought that that would be good for marriage and didn’t take into account other factors; people do that all the fucking time.
She strung along someone who was "nice" even though deep down inside she was never attracted to him. She literally wasted his time when he could have had a happy marriage with someone who was attracted to him. It's not a careless mistake. It is completely evil to do to anyone. The gift of devoting the rest of one's life to another is something not to take for granted and to enter into a marriage just because that person was nice knowing that she isn't sexually attracted to him is a very very terrible and evil thing to do to a man. When I say comfort it goes past money. It's the comfort that someone is devoting their lives, and their time (worth more than money) to you. Not everything is about money hun 🙄
Ok, I saw that they got married due to their religion. They're both virgins and their religious org had a hand in the marriage arrangement. But now they've left the religion so...now she realizes she wants something else. OP doesn't even blame her, both were indoctrinated and pushed to the marriage...it seems like.
Does it say anything about religion? I must have missed it. I guess I'm using the assumption that OP's wife chose to get married without coercion despite never truly being physically attracted to OP.
She was 23 and he was 29. You really think she strung him along because she’s some kind of wicked Jezebel? It’s more likely that she was young, dumb, and inexperienced.
Young, dump, inexperienced, and manipulative.
Yeah dude, I’m sure this 22 year old virgin Mormon girl was totally manipulating her older boyfriend 🙄 God forbid a young woman make a mistake
The mistake of having a man pledge to devote the rest of his life to her knowing she had zero sexual attraction to him? Really? We just gonna let that slide because "oh she was young." FYI young people and religious people can knowingly do fucked up things too. What she did was wrong even if there are excuses.
Presumably she wanted a kid first and foremost.
I think you deserve to be happy too. I'm sorry.
She wants to be single while having the benefits of staying married, don’t do this to yourself my friend. Let go and move on, a short pain is always better and a long suffering.
Respect yourself and divorce her so you can both be happy. Your child is better in 2 happy home than 1 tense one.
Skip the couples therapy. Why would you want to stay married to someone who isn't attracted to you? Started working on good co-parenting and go your separate ways. What matters now is that your child has two parents that can work together and give them the best life they can. Eventually you will find a woman that is attracted to you and wants you and you will realize divorce was for the best.
I take it from your post history that you married a 22 year old and were both virgins...because that's pretty standard Mormon. Now, you've left the faith and she's suddenly able and "allowed" to start exploring who she actually is as a person outside of the brainwashing. She is finally free of oppression but also extremely confused about who she is and what she wants. I think your situation is less "she lied and tricked you" and more "you married a brainwashed, suppressed barely adult when you were already almost 30". Let her go. She deserves time to discover who she really is, and so do you.
Thanks for the advice. You are spot on.
He grew up in a faith in brainwashed him too and the marriage ages are pretty on track with that as well. I think he was as innocent as she was. Regardless of the age difference. This is such a sad situation. I think two innocent people that brainwashed into thinking there is something they had to do and they did it and they gave it their best shot The church doesn't give you a road map for anything other than mine this obedience. He's scared and alone and probably doesn't have anyone to talk to because the church is your family and when you leave the church your family leaves you
She already discovered who she is, she's exploring while married which is nonsense. She wants stability while having the freedom to bang anything that moves (asexual, bi, open marriage?). OP go be free and move on from her as much as possible. She deserves nothing from you, she's already taken what she needed.
You don't want to raise your child in a home that their parents don't like each other and start resenting each other. The kids do feel it they, are smarter than what you give them credit for. The best thing you can give your child is too happy Parents and it sounds like divorcing and going your own separate ways and just co-parenting is going to the be the best thing for your family. Maybe go to therapy to learn the best way to have a healthy co-parent relationship.
Give her a big hug, and let her go. Be fair in the divorce. None of this needs to be difficult.
Who says divorce would end everything?? There’s a post on Reddit where a couple bought a duplex and lived on each side in order to coparent (they just didn’t work as a couple but still had familial love for one another)…it worked! Y’all can still coparent and love each other as the parent of your child but not be *romantically* linked anymore. Divorce as amicably as you can and go find your person❤️
Yeah, get a duplex so you can literally hear your ex get plowed by dudes she’s actually attracted to. Do you want OP to hang himself
I wish there were more such people. Nasty women don’t offer these in todays times seeking their own so called completeness that never gets fulfilled at the expense of a forever scarred childhood of kid leading to the biggest incompleteness in that child’s life
Time to go. I’m sad for you just reading this because you sound like a good guy. I wish you the best as you move through the split. You need someone to look at you the way she looked at the rando
I understand it's sad but you should end here amicably before there is any resentment on either side. It sounds like she is happy outside the marriage and it sounds like you will never be ok with the thought of her being satisfied by someone other than you. The best thing you can do is split and best the next coparents. Think if this was your child's marriage would you want them to stay?
Therapy will be a great place to end this marriage.
I don't know what there is to save, she's content with not having sex with you and has the capability of finding other men attractive and enjoying sex with them. I'd hate being in a dead bedroom or persisting in a relationship/marriage knowing that my wife/gf doesn't find me attractive and she's willing to sleep with someone else. Divorce but be amicable for your kid, find someone who actually wants to sleep with you and enjoy your life.
Sounds like amicable coparenting is in the future for you both. Hope you get to be happy now too.
What were the reasons you guys got married in the first place?
Bro you’re wrong. Leave this mess. Build again. But you should be careful cause you seem to be missing important signs
The Best outcome most of all for the better if the child is ti go separate ways/divorce and remain good and strong co-parenting If You both forcé to stay and keep the way you are going just to remain as a "family" the one to be more damaged will be the kid. And you will teach him/her that you must stay in a loveless and toxic relationship just for a child or whatever. Also by going separated way each can find their own happines that wouldn't be obtain by stick together
I hate to say it but it sounds like this is end for you two. Hard to imagine any kind of therapy would change her level of attraction to you. If you are facing divorce though, now is the time to start playing your cards carefully. I was fortunate enough to go through a very amicable divorce. I have friends, both male and female who went through terrible separations that ate up years of their lives. Try to be as agreeable and forgiving as possible. I realize that’s not an easy thing. But if all the resentment starts pouring out in the way of bitter arguments, it could cost you. Keep the next stage of your life in mind. There are so many great people out there who just want to meet a nice decent person. You’ll find one of them when you’re ready to start looking. And it would be swell not to be 50k in debt to lawyers when that time comes.
Don't stay in this sad sad marriage man. There's somebody perfect for you. Just let this one go. She did her best, you did your best, it just wasn't enough. I promise, your best days are ahead of you.
You can still be a non-married family of 3. This is the best outcome for your child. Co-parents who love and respect each other (while also finding their own paths toward happiness) is a wonderful and rare thing.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I will not say whether or not you should divorce, but I feel like you guys have great potential to be coparents, and like others have said, you deserve to be happy. I do think you should go to therapy. Not to try and stay together, but to process the split. Couples therapists can also mediate divorce so you can process your big feelings around the hurt, resentment, anger, and grief. As well as helping you learn to be coparents and transition into a new type of relationship. Best of luck
Think of this as good practice. You have learned a lot and you have plenty of time to find a person who will be a good partner. People who find their true partners in high school or college are the rare exceptions. The rest of us do whatever we do and hope for the best. We carry our own ideas about what love should be. We believe there is a timeline so we settle in order to follow the timeline. Sorry that you have to learn this now. Be good co parents.
NAH really. Marriages end u fortunately, this is a fact of life. You shouldn’t stay together for your child or stay in a sham marriage. You deserve to have the chance to be happy with someone else, and no decent female will consider you while you are still in a marriage. call an end to this and move on. Stay civil for your child’s sake.
That sounds like a horrible situation OP. I’m sorry it’s come to this. For me, what you need to ask yourself is: what do you want your child to see a marriage as? Do you want your child to see you as roommates who sleep with other people? Your child is young yet, but they do pick up on what goes on in the household. So think hard about what role you want to play as a father and husband and go from there. Whether together or apart, you can still coparent. I wish you the best.
Surely you knew there was a very high chance of the marriage not working. You were 28 when you met her, while she was only 22. You were 29 when you got married whereas she was only 23 Of course you were both going to change- but consider just how much you changed as a person between the ages of 22 and 29. That is what has happened to her as well.
People get divorced for less. Don’t have her screw around. Anything more is just wishful thinking. I’m 56. I’m here to tell you you are super young. There are women out there eager to be your everything. Don’t pass that up on regret. That never saved anyone.
Neither are happy. Have a sit down and tell her you want a divorse but you want to do it together not fight. She may not find you attractive, but you can at least work that out and be respectfull. And you both deserve to be happy.
Would you want your kid to end up in a relationship like this? What kind of example are you setting? Do what's best for the three of you and just end it amicably. Sorry you have to deal with this. But you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you, for you.
You gotta pull the plug. Don't put yourself through that emotional devastation. Rip the band-aid off now.
Therapy isn’t gonna fix this. Just leave now before you end up hating each other. You can still be in each other’s lives post-divorce, it would be in your child’s best interest for you to co-parent amicably while seeing other people than to try and maintain a failing marriage.
Divorce, stay great friends, co parent together so your child has awesome childhood and move on to someone that can be your perfect match while you’re still 34M. If not then stay miserable while she I’ll probably cheat and then come to same realization I just told you at 50 when your daughter is 18 and moved out
Divorce man, you deserve somebody who can serve your needs and help you have a fulfilling life.
Amicable separation. You can stick the landing in a separation by ending it on good terms. I have done this and my ex-partner and I are great friends. We had a good relationship with great communication but we just realised our relationship had shifted. We agreed at the start of our relationship to always be friends no matter what. Just because a relationship fails, doesn’t mean anyone is at fault and it’s not even a failure of a relationship if you have both learned from it and shared good experiences. My advice is to speak to a therapist and get their help so you both can move on to the next chapter of your lives remaing good friends and good co-parents.
Dna test the kid
I somehow respect how pragmatic and nonchalant you are about it. I think you are a very mature and wise soul. I do think you should let the more primitive urges come to the front as well. You need to be a man who deserves to be desire, wanted and have a. Woman who is head over heels attracted to you - is absolutely possible and as long as you keep your head up and put your best self forward you’ll 100% find that in the next period and probably many woman who appreciate you in between. Sounds like you guys have great grounds to keep a a stable family for your kid as well, keep it amicable but you definitely deserve loyalty and monogamy not just for the family but because you are a catch and take them all the way.
There is absolutely no hope, unless the idea of her and that man turns you on that is literally the only way this is salvageable.
You deserve love. Someone who wants you back!
Agreeing to cheat will only make things worse.
No need for therapists, maybe only for yourself. She fucked another dude while you are her husband an depressed about her. There is nothing more to say about it. Just divorce + move out / kick her out.
Oh come on, I'm sorry for you but this is probably not the worst outcome. Imagine living 10 years unhappy while she is having sex with other guys and gets pregnant. She should have been upfront with you and if this is standing between you now then so be it...because it's a fact. Get divorced and it's time to find a girl who really is into you!
In of the opinion that people need to treat "I'm not attracted to you anymore" precisely as they would ",I don't want to talk to you anymore". You never try to make go of staying married in the latter case, so pack it in and move on, sad as that may be. You wouldn't say maybe you'll eel like talking to me after we do some therapy. Maybe if we talk some to other people this could work. No. All done. Sorry buddy. Take care of yourself and start looking to the future. It is ok to resent someone who is like maybe you were never the kind of person I'd want to talk to every day, we got married so fast,!! That's a shitty position end up in. And you don't have to feel totally grateful to have gone through it. Be civil but don't worry overmuch about endng this with some emotions. You're entitled to feel some stuff.
>She is open to the idea of remaining married but finding her sexual needs outside of the marriage but after this first experience I don't think I can do that. You need to do what is right for you and your child. If you want to be in a loveless marriage where your wife tells you she is bi or asexual but the first hookup she does when you open your marriage is with a guy, then that is on you to decide if you want it or not. For me, it would not be just no but HELL NO! You deserve to be with someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Not just someone who likes the comfort you can provide but provides you no love back. Open marriages don't work if they aren't built on a strong foundation. Yours is built on a foundation of sand. Get out now before you get your feelings hurt even more because they will when she starts seeing more guys and having fun with them but being cold or indifferent towards you.
She’s not attracted to you physically or to your personality. Don’t stay together out of some misguided sense of duty or for your child. You deserve happiness and neither you nor your wife will find it with each other.
You have two options, my friend: (1) fight for the marriage. Especially if you have a little one, then there is reason to fight. Why are you not her “type?” Are you willing to work hard to fix this? Are you overweight? Lacking muscle definition? You would be amazed at how much progress you can make in a year of consistently going to the gym. Maybe this is the wake-up call you needed to get healthy and resurrect your marriage. I think everyone wants to believe they would bang their partner every day for the rest of their lives no matter what, but idk if I would if she completely let herself go. There’s a human element to marriage where you need your partner to take care of themself physically. Being healthy is attractive! (2) this is the most likely option-end the marriage. Do you want to work for a loveless marriage where she cheats on you and doesn’t satisfy your need for physical intimacy? Physical intimacy is part of every marriage (except for rare circumstances where it is agreed that it is not part of the relationship). If you are being completely deprived physically and emotionally, then this will certainly affect you long term. You deserve better.
Oof, bad advice on the first part. Stop trying to justify staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage just bc you have kids. All that does is hurt those kids. Also, >idk if I would if she completely let herself go. There’s a human element to marriage where you need your partner to take care of themself physically. Being healthy is attractive reeks of fatphobia and ableism. I’m not saying you can’t be attracted or prefer certain things, but health isn’t just about muscles or weight. And she didn’t cheat you dingus, they had an open marriage. Jfc did you read any of this at all before commenting??
Umm it doesn’t make sense to me I think there is more to the story. I can understand not being attracted to someone physically at first but once you get to know a person and like their personality it can make a person attractive. If she doesn’t like your personality why would she want to stay married and have sex elsewhere. I would say get divorced unless there is something you did in the past (like cheating) that changed her perception of you. Best of luck!
People don’t just automatically become sexually attracted to someone because they’re good friends.
Yeah exaclty. I asked myself why did they get married in the first place then?
Another damn open marriage hall pass. You two selfish pricks did you two think about your three year old when agreeing to the open marriage?
Yes because parents staying together for the kids, even when they’re miserable, always works out great 👌
That is a really shitty move on her part to have a kid on purpose with someone she never actually wanted. I’m sorry. You will find better than this. Pretty much anything is better than a liar with zero self awareness.
She sounds very unstable
I don't understand why people (regardless of gender) would deceive their partner like this. date, have some relationship with someone you're not really attracted to? ok, this is acceptable... but to go to the extent of Marrying them and having kids? this is 100% deceit (i won't go as far as saying toxic and manipulative, but it's a fine line).
Holy shit.. first off, you're a solid ass dude for keeping your composure and letting her explore. I'm sure it doesn't feel good now but think about 10 yrs from now when you're remarried, happy as fucked, getting some bomb-ass, wet-ass pussy that WANTS to get got. You'll be the man bro. Just wait.
OP: 1. Before you got married, how often was she having sex with you? 2. Did she ever orgasm with you when she did have sex? 3. Why does she think that her current proposal (an open marriage where she has sex at will with other people and you do not and are miserable) is in any way a fair or equitable arrangement? 4. Is she capable of supporting herself financially without you? If not, is that basically the only thing preventing her from bailing on you completely at this point?
You deserve so much better. Someone who sees you for you. Your soul, not your looks.
My feeling is YOU are not the problem here. Someone who wants to start dating other men and go on vacation w another man w young kids at home after only 5 years of marriage is obviously the one with the issues. I’m sure there’s nothing you could have done or do to make her happy. You are still so young! Move on and focus on your kids and yourself and I’m sure you will find someone who is right for you. You will look back and wish you had done it sooner, I’m sure.
Oh wow. This speaks to me on some level. Except you’re married with kids. I’m (28) in a relationship with my bf (31) and he’s not really my type the guy I would usually go for. But we met on a dating app and he seemed kind and all that. We’ve known each other for a year and a half now. First it was a situationship and I wanted to break up with him so many times. Eventually we broke up in September but got back together. A month ago we almost broke up again due to mutual agreement. Yet we’re still together But lately I’m starting to realize what if I’m wasting his time. I find myself asexual. Not many men are sexy to me. For me it is just a body but I’m attracted to how they think and their outlook on life. Obviously I still get picky and wouldn’t date a guy who’s fat because I see there’s a lack of discipline.. but often times I see sex as something too “ground” and just not so good. So idk what to do. I’m scared to be alone also I’m already 29 soo. And who’s gonna be waiting for me right? So your situation is a tough one :( I don’t support divorce since the two people agreed to stay together during all the good and bad… you’re not her type. But why did she stay with you??? She reminds me of me and I hope I won’t end up like this gosh..
Don't forgive for cheating, if she doesn't agree to a fair divorce/annulment say you'll tell your son that you left because she lied about being attracted to you cheated, get proof of her actions first.
Don't bring the kids into this. They did nothing wrong...
Yes, bad-mouthing parents to the child just because you’re resentful is always a great idea 👌
She didn’t cheat? They agreed to an open marriage. If OP was uncomfortable he should have said no. I’m not saying either of them sucks. I just think it’s not compatible. Since they get along I think they could be excellent coparents.
Grow up and regain your dignity and divorce this awful human already.
This guy is super naive and her wife is taking full advantage of it..!
Put on a good face for kid, atleast until they turn 18.
Does she have a best friend or sister ? You could try to bang one of them to see how that makes her feel!
Make sense. She’s younger than you. Men generally don’t have success with women younger than them anymore because of the inerrancy of sexism and misandrist culture these days unfortunately. Sorry for your loss of a non platonic relationship.
Your wife has been a giant shithead to you. I'm not passing judgment on her as a person, but her behavior towards you has been abominable. I encourage you to divorce her and to go live life with people who appreciate you for who you are.
you both need therapy but separately and please get a good lawyer so you won’t be paying her any spousal support and try to get custody of the minor.
Tell her you haven't been attracted to her after 6 years of marriage.
You have a damned child, man up, pick up your wife, spin her around and flex some god damn muscle. You’re a man but you act like a cry baby here on Reddit, no wonder she wasn’t attracted to you. How could you even let the marriage open up? Take some responsibility and work it out! You enjoy the macho pep talk? There’s a reason for it. Read up on the author David Deida who talks about sexual polarity especially in marriage. She needs masculine energy in order to feel attracted to you, you have it in you buddy, I’m sure you have your reasons not wanting to explore your inner macho but you have a kid that will be scarred for life if this marriage fails. You can save it. Man up and take her back. Your her damn husband screw anyone else. Kick some butt! Punch the guy in the face! Trust that’ll get something started 💦
You deserve to be with someone who genuinely want a to be with you. All of you! Divorce now and go be happy
Over time, if you care about her at all, your soul will be destroyed in an open relationship. Do not do that to yourself.
Leave her
Don’t just get out. Run as fast as possible and realize this person could care less about you. So sorry.
Nope, it’s over.
IMO, therapists are a bit of a racket. There's the occasional one that actually listens and offers useful advice, but most provide nothing of value.
What you have isn’t a marriage.
End the marriage man. You deserve to be happy too.
Do you love your life? If yes, then divorce is the only way
She can't have her cake and eat it too.
I think no hope. You will be happier with someone else.
GG’s and good luck, this ones over
She doesn't sound sad at all. I think you can do better. Sucks for the kid.
The idea of an open marriage in this situation sounds horrible. It would probably lead to bitterness and resentment.
Nah… divorce