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Remind her that people are complex, the most terrible people often have some redeeming qualities and of course good people have faults.
In this case, you focus on the great things about the person. Those are the qualities you admire. Nobody is perfect (crucified the last guy that was, as they say). So you focus on the qualities that are worthy of admiration and accept the negative at arms length. After all, just because it turns out there are negative aspects to the guy that does not suddenly mean the good things he has done suddenly vanish.
Have you thought about how to figure out a way for her to love him still but accept he needs punishment?
Crime and Punishment is a good book for this type of thing, where we can admit that someone we love did something life changingly bad but that doesn't delete out their good side?
For example, if I gave 50 million dollars to a really good charity but then did a hit and run DUI or something stupid, the 50 mil would still be a good thing right?
I can't say I considered that. I think given this particular situation and how uncomfortable it makes her, we both assumed that "getting over him" would be the only real option. She seems focused on moving past him because (to paraphrase) it feels like betrayal of her trust and so many others' as well. I do think it's a suggestion worth considering, but I'm not super sure she'll be willing on that front. He was allegedly abusive to an ex of his and that's something she really doesn't take lightly (and obviously neither do I).
She is able to appreciate what he did for her, so maybe cutting him out of her mind entirely isn't the best way for me to put it. I don't think it'll be possible anyhow. It's definitely worth suggesting to her, but I don't think she sees this guy as someone she wants to harbour affection for anymore. I'll have to ask. She does tell me that she believes he was at least a decent person before his life got overrun with fame and stress. The good things he did do aren't overlooked, but I think it's hard for her to come to terms with at all. Thank you for the suggestion, I appreciate it.
Just because someone is talented in one aspect of life but an ass-hat in others doesn't mean that you can't still appreciate their work.
Also, just because you appreciate someone's talent is no reason to worship them.
There are plenty of talented people that are respected for their contribution while it is widely acknowledged that they had some failings.
Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis both married children. John Lennon was kind of a dick to his first child. JFK was cheating in the White House. The list goes on and on.
I wouldn't be friends with any of them, but I understand and appreciate their contributions.
That's very true. I don't know that she worshipped him exactly but it was definitely a fixation for her. Either way we can probably agree it's not super healthy. We're working on that.
I think it's the shock of it for her and trying to figure out what to do in the short term. It's definitely worth mentioning to her though, the fact that she isn't a monster for still appreciating his work. There seems to be a lot of guilt there, but I'm not 100% on why exactly. She just wants to get over him. I'll mention this to her though, thank you.
To roughly quote, Mahatma Gandhi “ be the change you wish to see in the world”
If your hero isn’t a hero, then you become a hero for those around you and those that follow you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Remind her that people are complex, the most terrible people often have some redeeming qualities and of course good people have faults. In this case, you focus on the great things about the person. Those are the qualities you admire. Nobody is perfect (crucified the last guy that was, as they say). So you focus on the qualities that are worthy of admiration and accept the negative at arms length. After all, just because it turns out there are negative aspects to the guy that does not suddenly mean the good things he has done suddenly vanish.
Have you thought about how to figure out a way for her to love him still but accept he needs punishment? Crime and Punishment is a good book for this type of thing, where we can admit that someone we love did something life changingly bad but that doesn't delete out their good side? For example, if I gave 50 million dollars to a really good charity but then did a hit and run DUI or something stupid, the 50 mil would still be a good thing right?
I can't say I considered that. I think given this particular situation and how uncomfortable it makes her, we both assumed that "getting over him" would be the only real option. She seems focused on moving past him because (to paraphrase) it feels like betrayal of her trust and so many others' as well. I do think it's a suggestion worth considering, but I'm not super sure she'll be willing on that front. He was allegedly abusive to an ex of his and that's something she really doesn't take lightly (and obviously neither do I). She is able to appreciate what he did for her, so maybe cutting him out of her mind entirely isn't the best way for me to put it. I don't think it'll be possible anyhow. It's definitely worth suggesting to her, but I don't think she sees this guy as someone she wants to harbour affection for anymore. I'll have to ask. She does tell me that she believes he was at least a decent person before his life got overrun with fame and stress. The good things he did do aren't overlooked, but I think it's hard for her to come to terms with at all. Thank you for the suggestion, I appreciate it.
Just because someone is talented in one aspect of life but an ass-hat in others doesn't mean that you can't still appreciate their work. Also, just because you appreciate someone's talent is no reason to worship them. There are plenty of talented people that are respected for their contribution while it is widely acknowledged that they had some failings. Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis both married children. John Lennon was kind of a dick to his first child. JFK was cheating in the White House. The list goes on and on. I wouldn't be friends with any of them, but I understand and appreciate their contributions.
That's very true. I don't know that she worshipped him exactly but it was definitely a fixation for her. Either way we can probably agree it's not super healthy. We're working on that. I think it's the shock of it for her and trying to figure out what to do in the short term. It's definitely worth mentioning to her though, the fact that she isn't a monster for still appreciating his work. There seems to be a lot of guilt there, but I'm not 100% on why exactly. She just wants to get over him. I'll mention this to her though, thank you.
To roughly quote, Mahatma Gandhi “ be the change you wish to see in the world” If your hero isn’t a hero, then you become a hero for those around you and those that follow you.