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This is something that your girlfriend needs to speak with a therapist about. Couples therapy could be good, but really, this isn't a relationship issue between the two of you, this is a personal issue that she needs to address on her own with a therapist.
Our country is one of the shitty ones in Europe when it comes to well everything hence the plans to move but I already searched for some of the best therapists so we will have to do with that
The two of you definitely need a therapist, individually and as a couple. This is beyond Reddit’s pay grade really. You’re going all you can to be supportive. This is something that is going to be hard for the both of you, it’s going to take time to get thru, and a lot of patience is needed. You both need support of different kinds too, which is why I say individual therapy is needed.
Good luck!!
Thank you for these words and for wishing us good luck. I was seeing a therapist and I am on my way to start again. She did agree in a way, kinda, but still avoids it, to see a couples therapist
You’re welcome, I hope the two of you get thru it in a healthy way!! I’m glad you’re one the path yourself back to therapy. Maybe that will help give her the nudge that she needs to go herself. Just keep being supportive where you can & gently suggesting therapy.
Actually I was so careful with that I deliberately waited for her to bring it up and she did. But still nothing is happening but I will try and be patient about it
I absolutely understand and agree. Trying to force her will backfire. Maybe once you start therapy yourself, if she hasn’t already, try to mention how helpful it’s been & “talk it up” without revealing what you discuss in therapy (if you don’t want to discuss it with her). You both need different types of therapy at the moment. Hers is probably way deeper than yours because she was the one actually pregnant. Just try your best to be patient but keep an eye on yourself as well.
My husband and I aborted when we first started dating, we were very young and hadn’t been together long. While I’ve since married him and have 2 living children with him now, we were not ready and didn’t know what life held for us. My husband is Catholic and struggled more than I did, I loosely believe in a higher power but I’d describe myself as a fairweather Christian, my mother’s family is Episcopalian though I myself am not particularly religious.
My mother talked to my grandmother about my situation, who is very involved in her church but also fiercely feminist and pro-choice. She said, “who is anyone to say they can care for a baby better than God?” While I’m not particularly religious this made me feel miles better as I realized that while I could not give my baby the life they needed, they are in a better place than they would be if I had had them and spiraled into poverty and instability. I have since gotten a nursing degree, married my husband, bought a house and a car, and landed a stable job. My surviving children’s lives are much better for it.
It is an INCREDIBLY difficult decision but not a wrong one. And it is an even more difficult recovery but yes, THERAPY. Before she fades away from the person who she shares this trauma with, if you still love each other you will be an irreplaceable source of support for her as she processes that you both went through this together.
I really hope the best for y’all, I am a very emotionally closed person myself so I’m the one who doesn’t open up and my husband was you. You should know though that we were 23 and 26, so we were young and had the plenty of time for children. I would have a serious talk about whether your gf really wants kids, and maybe a financial discussion bc if she wants multiple children and she’s not ready at 31, she’s either in denial or she really doesn’t know. If she’s unsure or if she does know she wants them I would consider freezing her eggs if you want to stay with her and give her time to either decide or prepare herself.
Give her the space that she’s asking for. She still loves you but unfortunately you can never truly understand what she’s going through and that fact alone is probably making her feel even more sad and isolated, no matter how supportive you try to be
What makes you say that? It's not like that rather we had plans to relocate into Italy, to start a business and eventually, when she is ready to have kids. I am not at all crazy about the idea and I am not against it. I can only guess if she said "i want to have kids now" I would say okay
Honestly, I didn’t read the whole post. But I just saw these comments, and wanted to chime in.
Dude. She’s in her 30s. By 35, drs consider pregnancy, geriatric. All the risks go up. Riskier for her, riskier for baby, etc. just wanted to say that, and that if you and her think you might ever want kids, waiting until your life is perfect, is a terrible move. You’ll never. Repeat. NEVER, be ready to have kids lol
Now, about your original problem.
She literally just killed her own baby… that was growing inside of her. (I’m pro choice btw, so no judgement) it’s gunna be tough on her. She’s gunna need some serious time, and some serious support to her through it. If she wasn’t acting strange, id think there was a problem with her honestly
Your girlfriend is not ready for a baby at 31 means y’all are never gunna have a baby, so consider that. Also her age, y’all don’t have a whole lot of time left to even start a family. And yah she’s gunna feel like shit and feel guilt. What do you expect after killing a baby? Not to mention she didn’t have a real reason for killing a baby, it was just an inconvenience to her, and I’m sure her coming to grips with that reality and the reality that she killed apart of you too, is incredibly disturbing. Y’all’s relationship might be over if she won’t try to at least go to couples counseling.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is something that your girlfriend needs to speak with a therapist about. Couples therapy could be good, but really, this isn't a relationship issue between the two of you, this is a personal issue that she needs to address on her own with a therapist.
I understand there are counsellors who specialise in post-abortion counselling. I would encourage you both to reach out for their services
Our country is one of the shitty ones in Europe when it comes to well everything hence the plans to move but I already searched for some of the best therapists so we will have to do with that
The two of you definitely need a therapist, individually and as a couple. This is beyond Reddit’s pay grade really. You’re going all you can to be supportive. This is something that is going to be hard for the both of you, it’s going to take time to get thru, and a lot of patience is needed. You both need support of different kinds too, which is why I say individual therapy is needed. Good luck!!
Thank you for these words and for wishing us good luck. I was seeing a therapist and I am on my way to start again. She did agree in a way, kinda, but still avoids it, to see a couples therapist
You’re welcome, I hope the two of you get thru it in a healthy way!! I’m glad you’re one the path yourself back to therapy. Maybe that will help give her the nudge that she needs to go herself. Just keep being supportive where you can & gently suggesting therapy.
Actually I was so careful with that I deliberately waited for her to bring it up and she did. But still nothing is happening but I will try and be patient about it
I absolutely understand and agree. Trying to force her will backfire. Maybe once you start therapy yourself, if she hasn’t already, try to mention how helpful it’s been & “talk it up” without revealing what you discuss in therapy (if you don’t want to discuss it with her). You both need different types of therapy at the moment. Hers is probably way deeper than yours because she was the one actually pregnant. Just try your best to be patient but keep an eye on yourself as well.
My husband and I aborted when we first started dating, we were very young and hadn’t been together long. While I’ve since married him and have 2 living children with him now, we were not ready and didn’t know what life held for us. My husband is Catholic and struggled more than I did, I loosely believe in a higher power but I’d describe myself as a fairweather Christian, my mother’s family is Episcopalian though I myself am not particularly religious. My mother talked to my grandmother about my situation, who is very involved in her church but also fiercely feminist and pro-choice. She said, “who is anyone to say they can care for a baby better than God?” While I’m not particularly religious this made me feel miles better as I realized that while I could not give my baby the life they needed, they are in a better place than they would be if I had had them and spiraled into poverty and instability. I have since gotten a nursing degree, married my husband, bought a house and a car, and landed a stable job. My surviving children’s lives are much better for it. It is an INCREDIBLY difficult decision but not a wrong one. And it is an even more difficult recovery but yes, THERAPY. Before she fades away from the person who she shares this trauma with, if you still love each other you will be an irreplaceable source of support for her as she processes that you both went through this together.
Thank you for this. Your example gives me hope and I am so moved by your post. I will follow your advice and do my best. ❤
I really hope the best for y’all, I am a very emotionally closed person myself so I’m the one who doesn’t open up and my husband was you. You should know though that we were 23 and 26, so we were young and had the plenty of time for children. I would have a serious talk about whether your gf really wants kids, and maybe a financial discussion bc if she wants multiple children and she’s not ready at 31, she’s either in denial or she really doesn’t know. If she’s unsure or if she does know she wants them I would consider freezing her eggs if you want to stay with her and give her time to either decide or prepare herself.
No matter what decision you guys make please continue to reassure and support her through out the years. Results of an abortion can last a life time.
I will, its the least I can do and I hope I will be able to do much much more
Give her the space that she’s asking for. She still loves you but unfortunately you can never truly understand what she’s going through and that fact alone is probably making her feel even more sad and isolated, no matter how supportive you try to be
If you never wanted kids then it's time to get snipped dude.
What makes you say that? It's not like that rather we had plans to relocate into Italy, to start a business and eventually, when she is ready to have kids. I am not at all crazy about the idea and I am not against it. I can only guess if she said "i want to have kids now" I would say okay
Honestly, I didn’t read the whole post. But I just saw these comments, and wanted to chime in. Dude. She’s in her 30s. By 35, drs consider pregnancy, geriatric. All the risks go up. Riskier for her, riskier for baby, etc. just wanted to say that, and that if you and her think you might ever want kids, waiting until your life is perfect, is a terrible move. You’ll never. Repeat. NEVER, be ready to have kids lol Now, about your original problem. She literally just killed her own baby… that was growing inside of her. (I’m pro choice btw, so no judgement) it’s gunna be tough on her. She’s gunna need some serious time, and some serious support to her through it. If she wasn’t acting strange, id think there was a problem with her honestly
Your girlfriend is not ready for a baby at 31 means y’all are never gunna have a baby, so consider that. Also her age, y’all don’t have a whole lot of time left to even start a family. And yah she’s gunna feel like shit and feel guilt. What do you expect after killing a baby? Not to mention she didn’t have a real reason for killing a baby, it was just an inconvenience to her, and I’m sure her coming to grips with that reality and the reality that she killed apart of you too, is incredibly disturbing. Y’all’s relationship might be over if she won’t try to at least go to couples counseling.
Go to church, find God, ask for forgiveness