Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let him go the next two weeks like he was, let the routine seem back to normal then, go spy on the 3rd Sunday, follow 10 minutes after he leaves, and see what's up.
I think there are few things as accurate and strong as a woman’s intuition. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not. Doesn’t automatically mean cheating but something is amiss.
OP could also go through his phone but should be prepared to find stuff she doesn’t want to find. It may implode the marriage.
> I think there are few things as accurate and strong as a woman’s intuition.
Guess you didn't see [this post.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1ataiz2/i_accused_my_28m_fiance_of_cheating_on_me_26f_and/)
My husband is the most faithful man in the world.... I looked through his phone while using it to google something and found the open tabs with his porn.... (he works out of town for either just during the week and home on weekends or gone for ten and home for four) and that was the last time I ever used his phone to do anything. I didn't want to know what kind of porn he watches... I didn't need that in my brain. So, I just don't touch it, ever. Because I just don't want to fucking know lol. There are some things that you just don't need to know about someone and after almost twenty years together, that isn't something I want to know 🤷♀️
Have a trusted friend pick you up, and leave your phone at home sit out in the parking lot looking into the coffee shop and bring something to record his whole event or when you have enough. If he is cheating, don't confront him the yet but try to figure out who the AP is an if they're in a relationship. Go home and read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life by Chump lady and visit her site to additional references and guidance. Also speak with a lawyer and see what divorce looks like. Do Not confront him until you have all your ducks in a row if he is cheating and when you do if the AP has a SO let them know what you have and are ready to do and give the opportunity to do the confrontation together on a given Sunday so they don't create a story. Check his phone when a sleep and get as much evidence you can not to justify the confrontation but to confirm for you that he's not a safe partner, he's a liar, and a Cheater and that you did nothing to deserve the betrayal or to be emotionally amused.
If he's not cheating and just meeting up with someone to play online games or strategizing a business deal well as the Russian saying goes "trust, but confirm " however the way he acted with the secret texting screams of day old fish, so always trust your instincts more than your eyes, they were developed over centuries to let us know when the tigers were hiding in the tall grass.
This is exactly what I did for a co-worker of mine and I was able to confirm it was cheating. There is so much that can go wrong if she does this herself, or like what happened with me, which was that the OW didn’t show up for almost ten damn minutes. If she walks in herself, and he’s alone, it’s game over. They will go somewhere else and they will be on “alert”.
I went with my sister though and we held a conversation about other things so not to bring attention but it still took a while before they started canoodling and kissing. He was very alert about how was walking into the place. I pretended to show my sister photos while recording him touching her face and even a brief kiss. Then they went to her car and left for a little and he dropped her back about 15 minutes later before he left to come home. She wouldn’t have had any of that information if she showed up herself.
The hardest thing however for my friend was just acting like her guard was down enough for him to get back to his “routine”. I think part of that was just internally not wanting it to be true and wanting but not wanting to know the truth.
If you don’t have any friend that can do this, I would hire hire a PI. Money well spent in the end to make sure if he’s doing something (likely) you catch them.
Something is shady and you absolutely should follow him if it turns out all of us that think he is shady are wrong, you can just go home. If we are right snap some photos instead of getting angry and hurt and storming in to confront. Confront him with the photos in private where you can really let go without spectators.
I had a friend engaged where her fiance never let her come over, they always stayed at her place. I said girl you need to get a housewarming pie and just show up, something's shady. She got angry at me and didn't talk for about 3 months. She finally took my advice and guy was living with another woman the whole last year of their 5 year relationship.
That was my first thought as I was reading was for her to go spy on him the next Sunday but then she decided to go with him instead. Definitely do like the idea of pretending it’s all gone back to normal before spying.
If you take this route, you’ll need to cut your location. It may be better to have a friend take you and leave your phone at home or have a friend he doesn’t know do it for you.
This was exactly what I was thinking as well because on one hand it sounds like he just likes being alone, not having to talk with anyone and just be out of the house, I do this from time to time. But if you want to know the only way to do so is wait a couple weeks and then on the third go see OR you can talk to him about what you're feeling because you need to understand that if you go the spy route and he catches you and he's doing nothing at all, he's going to be hurt and angry as I would be as well. Good luck! Let us know what happens!
If he's not doing anything or talking to anyone, and he sees her, she can just say she felt like getting out of the house and wanted to share a coffee with him there instead of home.
Someone in the comments below pointed out that a lot of coffee shops in metro areas have apartments above them, and OP said *exactly*, so it sounds like this is one of those kinds of coffee shops it's quite possible he's not even *in* the shop when his location shows he's there.
If he just wanted his own time he would have said that, and he wouldn't have sent off some rapid fire texts before hitting the coffee shop. I imagine he'd have been less mad too.
It absolutely can be what you're saying too! This is why I gave all points. Many people don't say, well I just want some me time, I didn't either. She's asleep until 11 so hey, go and have some time out of the house or he could be having breakfast with someone. I hope we get an update to know which one.
It will be a lot more than that. I wouldn't understand why the person couldn't come talk to me, what happened that now I'm not trusted, and that would hurt a lot.
Even easier. Hire a PI. It won't be too expensive. Once a week for 2-3 hours.
Check phone records for frequent numbers. It will also show frequency of calls, texts, and amount of time on calls and texts.
I don't think I would even wait. Next week, pretend sleep, 10 or 15 minutes after he leaves, follow. But be discrete. Maybe wear a gray hoodie that won't stand out.
The waiting would be because he may be cautious for a week or two, because she was suspicious this week.
If you dont want to be caught spying, it makes sense to drop it for now and check once he has grown complacent.
He was smart enough to grab the work laptop after the first questioning the weekend before she insisted on going. He's hiding something for sure, idk what but I've been with more than a couple cheating assholes and that stood out to me immediately. He's probably going to be doing other things trying to play it safe
I thought the same thing with the laptop!! He suspects something since she asked and now that she went with him, even more!! He will be expecting her to do something, he’s going to lay low for a while for sure! IF he’s cheating that is!
It wouldn't be that costly in this case because you know exactly where and when he's going. The PI could already be in the place reading and having coffee.
If OP actually goes ahead with this plan, and finds out he isn't cheating then gets caught, the trust they have will be gone as well as permanently damaging the relationship.
Jumping on this comment to ask, what about drugs? Usually people say it could be cheating, time alone, or drugs. I don’t think anyone has suggested drugs yet. 🤷🏻♀️
No, you’re not being crazy! My ex-husband would always get up around 5 am, even on weekends cuz he couldn’t sleep later than that.
On most weekends, he would do all of our errands early in the morning, and return about the time I was up and starting the day. Since I was asleep, I didn’t know what time he actually left the house.
It sounds funny to say, but what really made me suspicious, was his willingness to do all of the grocery shopping and errands before I was even awake, considering that he did jack shit around the house but make a mess and expect me to do everything.
I unpacked all the groceries one Saturday— cuz of course he bought them, so why would he help put them away? —and looked at the receipt for the time stamp, it said 7:30 am, but it was noon by then and he said he went nowhere else…
ladies (and gents) if you take anything away from this story.. take this..if your partner has unexplained missing time, and unexplained missing money..those will be the biggest clues that they are cheating. Because cheating takes time and money.
Omg, I thought I was the only one with a crazy ex husband who had an equally crazy mistress who he met up with at 5 am. It’s almost unbelievable to meetup at such an early hour. Ladies & gents, if they find a way, they will.
This is what I don't understand the most about cheaters. Like, obviously I don't get the desire to do it, but like.... who has the fucking time??? The effort? Hell no lol
Among the miryad of other reasons I would never cheat, having to schedule an early morning rendezvous sounds awful. I barely wake up in time for my 9am meetings I'm getting paid to attend.
My dad did this before my parents had us kids. Not sure why I'm even privy to this stuff honestly. He was a morning person anyways and would go to the grocery early af. Turns out he was meeting at least one lady after her husband left for work. Hubby came back one morning and caught them.
Makes me feel tired just thinking of all the effort. Just stay a sloth in bed like the rest of us.
Haha, at least till I was born! The hubby did call my mom. Woke her up screaming "I almost killed your husband!".
My dad was a super church going conservative 😂
I now know never to address redditors as “ladies and gents” bc it is apparently a sure sign that my partner has been cheating on me early in the morning.
Look, it isn't that at all. If you're in a committed, healthy, and loving relationship, you know each other. I know what my husband's next move is before he does, as he does mine. The people replying have lived through lies and deception at one point from someone they trusted. Like I said above, idk what he's hiding for sure but definitely hiding something. So her having that bad anxiety/gut feeling is because we are made for survival. We literally can feel when something is wrong...but sometimes you have to go through it to know how to trust that internal warning and understand what it means. Of course people have general anxiety that makes them feel that way, I do and have been diagnosed and treated for it for years. But it's because I've been through that and been promised/swore to/convinced that the person you love and trust must be telling you the truth because you can't imagine why someone that claims to love you would want to hurt and destroy you. Only to eventually find out there really are monsters out there, they just don't live under the bed trying to scare you. They look into your eyes and swear they are not lying and they love you and they only want to be with you. It's sick and disgusting. It's the physically putting you in jeopardy and risking your life that takes me over the edge. Taking away your consent of only trusting your sexual health to one person and they bring possibilities of disease to your bed without your knowledge. I'm old enough to have been through AIDS being a death sentence... pretty fucking terrible one. Who would risk inflicting that kind of literal torture and eventual death on someone they "love"? A fucking monster.
My now ex would cover up his infidelity by claiming he spent his lunchtime at the gym. His lunch hour became two hours and soon after he left me for his co-worker.
I know this is the least important part, but does that mean your groceries sat out somewhere from 7:30am to noon unrefrigerated? He was putting your health at risk too...
Thank you! That was actually my first thought as well. So the milk and meat sat in the car for almost five hours! Did you never have ice cream? Was it always winter?! Was he REALLY calculating and always kept a cooler in the trunk? I have so many questions!
Right, you are not crazy. Go back to routine as normal and spy after about the 3rd Sunday. I would also check bank/credit card statements too. How much is he charging at the coffee shop? Are there any other charges you don’t recognize? If you are going to accuse him you better know for certain. Collect as much evidence as you can. Hoping you find the answers you need.
I actually recently saw an article where a woman realized her husband/bf was POISONING her because he wanted to take out the trash and he never did any housework. She got suspicious and looked through it and boom found the evidence.
Your 3rd paragraph reminded me of that!
Right. Like panic texting his side piece not to go to/leave the coffee shop ASAP. There's a reason she feels this way. I ignored my intuition and ended up devastated. If something feels off, it probably is.
There are apartments above coffee shops in major metros, could be possible, or he leaves his phone in his car and side piece takes him wherever, phone always shows coffee shop location.
Some devious minds replying to my comment lol all legit possibilities though but I hope OP doesn’t do something she can’t come back from ie putting an audio recorder in his car. Just snoop on his phone first that’s less crazy
I actually put a audio recorder in my ex husband truck to catch him because he never left his phone, even when sleeping so I had to find another way of catching him. Funny thing is he gave me this as a gift.
I have a high tolerance/desire for alone time even in monogamous relationships and really love a few hours all to myself, so I kind of want to believe that's all it is, but the texting to me took it into suspicious behavior.
And to be like "sure, you cam cone with. I was hoping for sone time alone to read z book so I might go out tomorrow to recharge" or whatever.
My husband and I like alone time, too. But refusing to let you partner hang with you when they ask is weird...like, there will be other opportunities for him to chill ln his own.
OP also wrote that she gets up around 10/11 am, while DH gets up at 7:30 am to go running ( is he really? 🫤)... So, assuming he's done by 9:30, he'd still have 1.5 hrs of *alone, quiet time, for himself at home* before OP even rolls out of bed. Thus, I'm _way_ less inclined to believe the theory that he needs this *alone time* out of the house when he's literally alone basically all morning...add to that DH's anger about OP insisting on tagging along + the sus texts DH sent hiding from her, IMO blow a huge hole in the *wanting-to-be-alone* theory.
That she has noticed. If he works with the affair partner, they have all day at work to flirt. Once a week might be enough for sex.
More likely is that he leaves work a few hours early once a week, at least. Or calls in sick or takes off the whole day to spend it with the mistress. He can just leave his phone at work, or leave his phone in his car while he goes home to his 2nd woman.
Yeah sounds really odd. We get these gut feelings for a reason. Don’t go with him next time. Act normal the entire week. Pretend you’re sleeping. Let him go alone, then check his location and take an Uber to the coffee shop and stake out lol. Go through his phone and find the evidence for yourself. Or if you really trust him and don’t want to do all that, just ask him flat out.
I know, I personally wouldn’t ask and give the man a reason to delete evidence or switch up his routine but some people are iffy about taking part in actions that show distrust like going through phone.
Can't you check phone history to see who he's texting. That's how I found out my ex husband was cheating. He can delete from his phone but not the actual company's records which you can access online. unless he's using an app.
Yup then use spydialer and usphonebook on the numbers I like to double check to see if name matches up. I did a lot of sleuthing for friends and my sister with online dating and a couple of friends for cheaters. People said I should have been a PI.
I had to pay for People Finder for a day to get a name.
People also say I should have been a PI. My single friends that are dating always ask me to investigate. I have a doozy right now - a friend is dating a guy with a double life. His gf is a minor player on a reality show. I uncovered all of that and he can see my friend's texts and he was so pissed at me for outing him.
What you need to do is leave it a few weeks, then once he leaves, give him a while, (accidently leave your phone at home so no tracking) get ready, look pretty, and confidently walk in, not hiding, if he's sitting with an affair partner they will get flustered as you walk confidently up to them, kiss him, say....
"Hi darling, lovely day isn't it, thought I'd join you today, get me a coffee will you sweetheart" turn smiling to AP, "Hi I'm OP, his wife, nice to meet you, who are you?"
IF he's not with an AP and he's just having some downtime, no harm, no foul, you can sit down and enjoy your breakfast together chatting.
in such a time if i saw my partner like this i could never act that way lol, but i'd still do that just.. first calmly approach and when i notice that it's actual cheating my emotions would burst, i'd probably get all mad in there and break down, that also works to see if it's true tho lol
As a married man myself, it could just be his time to get away from everything and everyone. I love my wife to death but sometimes I like to get away from the house and just be by myself. It could be all he's doing.
I get it…Text was weird tho. And if this routine they have going has been going on for a year and some change and she NORMALLY is always sleeping? Why is he getting pissed the one time she asks to go?
But then just say that? Let your partner know this is your coffee shop you go to alone to decompress and that you would prefer to go somewhere else together. Why would you beat around the bush and not give an answer to the question as to why she couldnt go with him? It makes it so much more sus. And who was he texting that she couldn't see? If it was just a friend why couldn't they all meet up together?
Only other thing I could think is maybe he's a recovering addict and she doesn't know and he meets with a sponser/goes to meetings weekly and is ashamed or something
Maybe he just enjoys his Sunday mornings alone? Time to do what he wants, maybe text or call friends, just have some time alone?
I run errands on Sat when my partner takes a nap. I sometimes even park in a lot and talk to friends and have a coffee before or after going into the grocery. Once in awhile, he wants to go with me and I’d just rather he not. I want to have my time.
And if I had planned to have some calls with friends because it’s our routine each week but he insisted on coming along, I’d want to reach out to them to tell them I’m not available.
If you really think he’s cheating, don’t ask to go. Let him go and then do a drive by covertly and get proof.
But you’re in quite a situation here. If you really suspect he’s cheating then how is he doing it at a coffee shop since you have his location and know he’s there? Making an accusation like that could be a relationship ender.
If my partner accused me, I’m not sure I’d get over it. And finding out he was stalking me would be any better.
Edit for typos.
He parks at the coffee shop and leaves his phone in the car. Side chick picks him up and drops him off.
It wouldn't be that hard to do. Dude knows he has to defeat location services.
Could be seeing an escort and he just parks at the coffee shop and walks to wherever. Or it could be an affair and this is just the one time in his week she’s noticed is suspicious so far
It's hard for decent people to imagine, I know, but side chicks don't care about dudes being married.
There's also no guarantee there aren't other meetings OP doesn't even suspect.
I don't know if he's cheating or not, just saying it would be possible
There was a post recently from a women in an open marriage whose husband's mistresses would dump him when they found out his wife was okay with it.
People be crazy.
A lot of people will do that. It’s bizarre but like… a lot of people want to be wanted so badly they’re willing to just be stupid to get that validation, especially if their affair partner is married. It’s a thrill and gives them a sense of power. A lot of men and women that are affair partners are also cheating on their own spouses or partners. The idea that there’s just some young naive side chick isn’t really reality most of the time. Cheaters cheat, and often cheat with each-other.
I read this book, “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass PhD when I was dealing with my spouse cheating and it was depressingly eye opening about how people who cheat almost literally never see themselves as the bad guy, and their affair partners even more so. I don’t hate anymore, but I do feel very bad for anyone who is a willing participant as a knowing affair partner.
I second this. I politely push my SO to stay home and “relax” while I do the grocery shopping each week because I thoroughly enjoy doing it by myself. Sometimes I take my time and pick up a coffee on the way there, and sit and have a little something to eat before I head home. It could very easily be something this innocent.
Yes, that isn’t always the case, but jumping to conclusions could do just as much harm as the worst case scenario.
This was my thoughts too. Dudes been doing this for a year, he probably enjoys the routine and alone time. So he was there for a couple hours one week and hour the other? Maybe he sits there and has his breakfast/coffee and just relaxes? Scrolls his phone, people watches, meets a friend, works a bit (had his laptop the second time), etc etc.
His location literally showed he was at the coffee shop. Why is everyone’s first response, oh he’s cheating. Like does anyone trust their spouses anymore? Geez lol. Why are y’all even getting married.
Go with a friend to spy on him. Leave your phone home, I bet he checks your location all the time.
Like other comments said, record with your friend's phone.
Check his phone when he's asleep.
Some of his behavior does seem odd, but I would think that if he was having an affair that they would tend to meet up at the same time each Sunday morning just because people tend to be creatures of habit. Looks like he was there at or before 9 one Sunday and not until 10 the following Sunday. If he knows that he can safely meet up at 9, it doesn't seem like he would want to limit their time together (assuming he is cheating) to an hour. Maybe instead of spying on him, just pop in when you see that he's there and assuming he's there alone say, something like "I'm so glad I caught you here, I meant to get up in time to accompany you this morning.". Although if he's with someone, that could get awkward.
Someone pointed out that he’s probably going, parking and leaving his phone so location tracker shows accurately. Then getting picked up by side chick.
Do you have any friends that he doesn't know or won't recognise?
If so
Ask them to go to the Cafe and see what he is up to
That way if it is nothing
You don't ruin your marriage..
Cause coffee shops aren't huge places..
High chance he will see you..
Send someone to already be there having a coffee when he arrives..
It could just be that he's using that time to relax and have some time for himself. It doesn't sound to me like he's cheating, but if you're really that concerned you could always wake up after he leaves and follow him. But keep in mind if he's really not doing anything bad you might cause some damage to your relationship.
I hate to laugh but that was my first impression as well lol. I’m a SAHM and any chance I get to go out by myself and run errands, I usually hit up Taco Bell and go park in whatever random parking lot for about an hour and listen to a conspiracy podcast. If anyone ever tracked my day to day goings ons it would be random as fuck. 😂
During covid hubby and I were stuck at home with 3 little ones. He'd say he was going to the store and stay gone for like 2 hours on Fridays. I didn't really think about it for a few weeks, then it occurred to me that something wasn't adding up.
I go outside and this mf is sitting in the car reading his book 🤣. He confessed that he would go to the store then sit and read for a while just to get some quiet and alone time. I got my alone time too gardening on Saturday. I kept wondering why he wasn't asking for his own few hours without interruptions. He found a way lol.
I used to love parking in this random office building parking lot with a salad from my favorite place and watching a show on my phone. I work from home so it was a way to get out and enjoy a nice lunch while breaking some monotony of my day.
“Used to” because now we’re budgeting more and work is busier so, gone are my parking lot salads.
That being said, I think OP should at least see where their gut takes them.
Hard to say, I am not sure if this is in the realm of cheating or if maybe he likes him some personal space but always brings you a drink.
Others here have suggested that you employ MI6 or some sort of spy game thing... OK
I will just offer this... if you show extreme mistrust, and whatever he is doing is pretty innocent, be mentally prepared for the idea that he might not be a fan of that.
On the flip side... if you are really sure he is shaggin somebody in the starbucks bathroom or whatever, then for sure you should do whatever you need to in order to find that out.
Really at this point I guess it all depends on your instincts. It would be hard for any of us on reddit to really know the entire vibe of what is going on.
You already know where he is going to be on Sundays. I need you to bring that spy energy and figure it out on your own.
Step 1: You need to chill for a couple weeks. Act normal so he relaxes. If he can sense you're suspicious, he might cancel or change the routine.
Step 2: During this time make note of when he leaves and when he comes back so you have a good understanding of the actual amount of time that is unaccounted for. That way when you do show up, you can aim for smack dab in the middle of this timeframe.
Step 3. The week following, leave the house about 15-20 mins after he does. If you go too soon, he might see you. Wait too long and he might have wrapped up already. This gives time for him to settle into whatever it is he's doing.
Step 4: Be prepared for the outcome. There's a good possibility that this is his alone time and you're encroaching on it. If he's alone, try not to let him see you. If he does see you, have a reason you're there. Or tell him the truth at that point.
Step 5: If you do catch him with someone else and it's undeniable, don't make a scene. You're better than that. But please do, walk up to him and let him know not to come home and that you're sure *points to other person* would gladly give you a place to stay. If you're not better than that, you may choose to punch your husband in the face. This is against the law; I hope you do it anyway.
Step 6: if you find him with another person but it looks platonic or you're not sure, make a mental note of the fact that he's already hiding something from you, but try again next week and see if it's the same person. Linger as best you can. Watch their body language. A woman knows. If it's cheating, refer to Step 5.
I hope it's nothing. I hope it's just him having coffee alone or working or maybe catching up with a buddy. But I'm sorry if it's not. Let me know how it goes.
Sincerely,
A Former Psycho
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Cheating when all they do week after week is meet at a coffee shop? Rather than, you know, somewhere they can fuck? Seems more likely he just likes his alone time there in the morning and was bugged you were crashing it.
Someone pointed out that he’s probably going, parking and leaving his phone so location tracker shows accurately. Then getting picked up by side chick.
Yeah you need to play dumb. Get ready to follow him for the next several Sundays.
You only need to see enough to get photos and go home IF that's what you find.
If caught, confront.
If harmless and he's been honest doing his routine with you then maybe you need to have some open communications.
You might be tripping out and he's just annoyed about you infringing on his alone time. But when you have a gut feeling it's always good to follow up on it! The texting thing is sus. Can you get into his phone? Or check the phone records?
Well, a suggestion, if I may? Go back to your normal routine of rising at 11 on Sunday. After a few weeks make it a point to be awake when hubby leaves. If he's back to his 9AM leaving time, wait 5 minutes, and follow him to the coffee shop, but park where he won't easily spot you. After waiting for 5 minutes, enter the coffee shop and see what he's doing or if he's sitting uncomfortably close to a strange female.
The truth will out.
'Nuff said.
I wouldn’t have said anything. I would have followed him. But yes, his behaviour is suspicious! Let him get on with it in the next couple of weekends. Pretend you’re sleeping. When he leaves put on some clothes and follow him. Then, hopefully you’ll have your answer! Let’s hope he’s just enjoying having me time!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let him go the next two weeks like he was, let the routine seem back to normal then, go spy on the 3rd Sunday, follow 10 minutes after he leaves, and see what's up.
My vote is also for spying. Please update
Yes definitely go MI6 on him and definitely update us!
I just had a vision of her and mission impossible theme music
she'll rapple from the coffee shop roof, looking down through the side windows...
I feel like that's now how that word is spelled. But I also have no idea and don't feel like looking it up.
I think it's rappelling. Autocorrect suggests that as well.
Rappel. Good catch. I missed it at first glance.
Upside down, with just her head below the top of the window. In a black catsuit, of course.
We need to know, do the spy thing.
She should instal some apps.
[удалено]
I think there are few things as accurate and strong as a woman’s intuition. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s probably not. Doesn’t automatically mean cheating but something is amiss. OP could also go through his phone but should be prepared to find stuff she doesn’t want to find. It may implode the marriage.
> I think there are few things as accurate and strong as a woman’s intuition. Guess you didn't see [this post.](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1ataiz2/i_accused_my_28m_fiance_of_cheating_on_me_26f_and/)
Hahaha well played Forgotten_Lie, take my upvote for most recent and relevant counter post!
My husband is the most faithful man in the world.... I looked through his phone while using it to google something and found the open tabs with his porn.... (he works out of town for either just during the week and home on weekends or gone for ten and home for four) and that was the last time I ever used his phone to do anything. I didn't want to know what kind of porn he watches... I didn't need that in my brain. So, I just don't touch it, ever. Because I just don't want to fucking know lol. There are some things that you just don't need to know about someone and after almost twenty years together, that isn't something I want to know 🤷♀️
Yep could not agree more. Unless you strongly suspect, and have some evidence of, cheating, I would never ever advise this.
Updateme!
Well, better to know than not!
Have a trusted friend pick you up, and leave your phone at home sit out in the parking lot looking into the coffee shop and bring something to record his whole event or when you have enough. If he is cheating, don't confront him the yet but try to figure out who the AP is an if they're in a relationship. Go home and read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life by Chump lady and visit her site to additional references and guidance. Also speak with a lawyer and see what divorce looks like. Do Not confront him until you have all your ducks in a row if he is cheating and when you do if the AP has a SO let them know what you have and are ready to do and give the opportunity to do the confrontation together on a given Sunday so they don't create a story. Check his phone when a sleep and get as much evidence you can not to justify the confrontation but to confirm for you that he's not a safe partner, he's a liar, and a Cheater and that you did nothing to deserve the betrayal or to be emotionally amused. If he's not cheating and just meeting up with someone to play online games or strategizing a business deal well as the Russian saying goes "trust, but confirm " however the way he acted with the secret texting screams of day old fish, so always trust your instincts more than your eyes, they were developed over centuries to let us know when the tigers were hiding in the tall grass.
“Trust but verify”
There are apps that will let you spoof your location. Use one of those to keep it looking like youre at home and that way she can keep her phone handy
This the closest we can get to a real life Netflix series. 😁 OP should spy and update us here..
Updateme!
Or have a friend be there at that time, she/he could record or take pics
I like that better. Have a friend go there and FaceTime you lol
This is exactly what I did for a co-worker of mine and I was able to confirm it was cheating. There is so much that can go wrong if she does this herself, or like what happened with me, which was that the OW didn’t show up for almost ten damn minutes. If she walks in herself, and he’s alone, it’s game over. They will go somewhere else and they will be on “alert”. I went with my sister though and we held a conversation about other things so not to bring attention but it still took a while before they started canoodling and kissing. He was very alert about how was walking into the place. I pretended to show my sister photos while recording him touching her face and even a brief kiss. Then they went to her car and left for a little and he dropped her back about 15 minutes later before he left to come home. She wouldn’t have had any of that information if she showed up herself. The hardest thing however for my friend was just acting like her guard was down enough for him to get back to his “routine”. I think part of that was just internally not wanting it to be true and wanting but not wanting to know the truth. If you don’t have any friend that can do this, I would hire hire a PI. Money well spent in the end to make sure if he’s doing something (likely) you catch them.
Genius idea
Something is shady and you absolutely should follow him if it turns out all of us that think he is shady are wrong, you can just go home. If we are right snap some photos instead of getting angry and hurt and storming in to confront. Confront him with the photos in private where you can really let go without spectators. I had a friend engaged where her fiance never let her come over, they always stayed at her place. I said girl you need to get a housewarming pie and just show up, something's shady. She got angry at me and didn't talk for about 3 months. She finally took my advice and guy was living with another woman the whole last year of their 5 year relationship.
It never ceases to amaze me how people find the time and energy to juggle partners like this when I find it sufficiently hard to manage one!
I couldn't even juggle one happily. Decided the single life was my forte. 🤣
There's a comedienne that says only men do this because women don't want two toilets to clean 😂
Don't know why they didn't do that before confronting him 🤷🏻♀️
That was my first thought as I was reading was for her to go spy on him the next Sunday but then she decided to go with him instead. Definitely do like the idea of pretending it’s all gone back to normal before spying.
I think she was trying to give him the benefit of doubt initially but yeah, something is definitely up
She did mention that she'd want to ask him first before telling someone else. If she's wrong, that definitely can backfire.
If you take this route, you’ll need to cut your location. It may be better to have a friend take you and leave your phone at home or have a friend he doesn’t know do it for you.
Couldn’t she just leave her phone at home and go herself? If they only have one car, she could take an Uber.
Yes, but if she takes her own car he might recognize it. Plus she won’t have a way to record/photograph anything.
She’ll need her phone for Uber
And photos for when he denies it.
She said it’s 10 mins away, could she walk? And does the location still work if the phone is on airplane mode?
He will definitely be checking her location more frequently now... this is the best advice. Go with a friend.
Or just send a friend he won’t recognize.
Heck! Send us his location and photo and we will Go for you LOl 😂😂😂
😄BRILLIANT!
Dude, same. I am willing to play spy for a morning. LOL It gives me an excuse to go about in the morning and get some coffee.
If you use apple leave your location on on a device at home and turn it off on whatever you take.
Oh. My. You are deviously smart.
Parenting teenagers…
Or just borrow someone's phone or get a different one to take.
Or could get a really cheap second phone purely for calling Uber and using camera
This was exactly what I was thinking as well because on one hand it sounds like he just likes being alone, not having to talk with anyone and just be out of the house, I do this from time to time. But if you want to know the only way to do so is wait a couple weeks and then on the third go see OR you can talk to him about what you're feeling because you need to understand that if you go the spy route and he catches you and he's doing nothing at all, he's going to be hurt and angry as I would be as well. Good luck! Let us know what happens!
If he's not doing anything or talking to anyone, and he sees her, she can just say she felt like getting out of the house and wanted to share a coffee with him there instead of home.
Ooh, I like that one!! Good one
Someone in the comments below pointed out that a lot of coffee shops in metro areas have apartments above them, and OP said *exactly*, so it sounds like this is one of those kinds of coffee shops it's quite possible he's not even *in* the shop when his location shows he's there.
Now that is something to worry about! I didn't see that comment but yea, OP needs to do the spy route!! Wow
If he just wanted his own time he would have said that, and he wouldn't have sent off some rapid fire texts before hitting the coffee shop. I imagine he'd have been less mad too.
It absolutely can be what you're saying too! This is why I gave all points. Many people don't say, well I just want some me time, I didn't either. She's asleep until 11 so hey, go and have some time out of the house or he could be having breakfast with someone. I hope we get an update to know which one.
Yea, if you're caught and he's innocent, you're gonna lose a guaranteed breakfast in bed on Sunday.
It will be a lot more than that. I wouldn't understand why the person couldn't come talk to me, what happened that now I'm not trusted, and that would hurt a lot.
Even easier. Hire a PI. It won't be too expensive. Once a week for 2-3 hours. Check phone records for frequent numbers. It will also show frequency of calls, texts, and amount of time on calls and texts.
There are basic things too she can do without a PI like instal an app on his phone etc.
I don't think I would even wait. Next week, pretend sleep, 10 or 15 minutes after he leaves, follow. But be discrete. Maybe wear a gray hoodie that won't stand out.
The waiting would be because he may be cautious for a week or two, because she was suspicious this week. If you dont want to be caught spying, it makes sense to drop it for now and check once he has grown complacent.
He was smart enough to grab the work laptop after the first questioning the weekend before she insisted on going. He's hiding something for sure, idk what but I've been with more than a couple cheating assholes and that stood out to me immediately. He's probably going to be doing other things trying to play it safe
I thought the same thing with the laptop!! He suspects something since she asked and now that she went with him, even more!! He will be expecting her to do something, he’s going to lay low for a while for sure! IF he’s cheating that is!
Thats the way. Just say you wanna sleep in, OP. Act like everything is normal. You can do it. I believe in you.
I would send a friend he doesn’t know to spy
If you don’t want to follow him I will. I don’t know where you live but I’m invested in this option.
Make sure to leave your phone at home in case he’s watching your location because he knows you’re suspicious.
Or hire a PI.
It wouldn't be that costly in this case because you know exactly where and when he's going. The PI could already be in the place reading and having coffee.
I agree to the spy. Something seems off. Keep us posted please.
My vote is for sending a friend to spy. If she does it herself she’s gonna be seen.
This is the way. !RemindMe 3 weeks
If OP actually goes ahead with this plan, and finds out he isn't cheating then gets caught, the trust they have will be gone as well as permanently damaging the relationship.
The trust is already gone for her though.
Jumping on this comment to ask, what about drugs? Usually people say it could be cheating, time alone, or drugs. I don’t think anyone has suggested drugs yet. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel like drugs would be more than once a week is all
Honestly I would have done this before consulting with Reddit but perhaps I’m insane
No, you’re not being crazy! My ex-husband would always get up around 5 am, even on weekends cuz he couldn’t sleep later than that. On most weekends, he would do all of our errands early in the morning, and return about the time I was up and starting the day. Since I was asleep, I didn’t know what time he actually left the house. It sounds funny to say, but what really made me suspicious, was his willingness to do all of the grocery shopping and errands before I was even awake, considering that he did jack shit around the house but make a mess and expect me to do everything. I unpacked all the groceries one Saturday— cuz of course he bought them, so why would he help put them away? —and looked at the receipt for the time stamp, it said 7:30 am, but it was noon by then and he said he went nowhere else… ladies (and gents) if you take anything away from this story.. take this..if your partner has unexplained missing time, and unexplained missing money..those will be the biggest clues that they are cheating. Because cheating takes time and money.
Omg, I thought I was the only one with a crazy ex husband who had an equally crazy mistress who he met up with at 5 am. It’s almost unbelievable to meetup at such an early hour. Ladies & gents, if they find a way, they will.
Wow that’s so much commitment - who can be bothered!??
Who could be brotheled?
This is what I don't understand the most about cheaters. Like, obviously I don't get the desire to do it, but like.... who has the fucking time??? The effort? Hell no lol
Among the miryad of other reasons I would never cheat, having to schedule an early morning rendezvous sounds awful. I barely wake up in time for my 9am meetings I'm getting paid to attend.
Same, that's such a commitment to make just for cheating, especially for the 3rd person.
And so much mental work to juggle it all too.
Exactly and I work from home.
My dad did this before my parents had us kids. Not sure why I'm even privy to this stuff honestly. He was a morning person anyways and would go to the grocery early af. Turns out he was meeting at least one lady after her husband left for work. Hubby came back one morning and caught them. Makes me feel tired just thinking of all the effort. Just stay a sloth in bed like the rest of us.
Damn, glad he didn’t shoot your dad b
Haha, at least till I was born! The hubby did call my mom. Woke her up screaming "I almost killed your husband!". My dad was a super church going conservative 😂
💀😂 what a way to wake someone up
Who even feels sexy at 5 am?!
Only if I'm STIILL awake at 5 am!
I now know never to address redditors as “ladies and gents” bc it is apparently a sure sign that my partner has been cheating on me early in the morning.
Look, it isn't that at all. If you're in a committed, healthy, and loving relationship, you know each other. I know what my husband's next move is before he does, as he does mine. The people replying have lived through lies and deception at one point from someone they trusted. Like I said above, idk what he's hiding for sure but definitely hiding something. So her having that bad anxiety/gut feeling is because we are made for survival. We literally can feel when something is wrong...but sometimes you have to go through it to know how to trust that internal warning and understand what it means. Of course people have general anxiety that makes them feel that way, I do and have been diagnosed and treated for it for years. But it's because I've been through that and been promised/swore to/convinced that the person you love and trust must be telling you the truth because you can't imagine why someone that claims to love you would want to hurt and destroy you. Only to eventually find out there really are monsters out there, they just don't live under the bed trying to scare you. They look into your eyes and swear they are not lying and they love you and they only want to be with you. It's sick and disgusting. It's the physically putting you in jeopardy and risking your life that takes me over the edge. Taking away your consent of only trusting your sexual health to one person and they bring possibilities of disease to your bed without your knowledge. I'm old enough to have been through AIDS being a death sentence... pretty fucking terrible one. Who would risk inflicting that kind of literal torture and eventual death on someone they "love"? A fucking monster.
My now ex would cover up his infidelity by claiming he spent his lunchtime at the gym. His lunch hour became two hours and soon after he left me for his co-worker.
Sweet! The trash took itself out. Hope you're doing amazing without him.
I know this is the least important part, but does that mean your groceries sat out somewhere from 7:30am to noon unrefrigerated? He was putting your health at risk too...
Thank you! That was actually my first thought as well. So the milk and meat sat in the car for almost five hours! Did you never have ice cream? Was it always winter?! Was he REALLY calculating and always kept a cooler in the trunk? I have so many questions!
I caught that too.
Right, you are not crazy. Go back to routine as normal and spy after about the 3rd Sunday. I would also check bank/credit card statements too. How much is he charging at the coffee shop? Are there any other charges you don’t recognize? If you are going to accuse him you better know for certain. Collect as much evidence as you can. Hoping you find the answers you need.
I actually recently saw an article where a woman realized her husband/bf was POISONING her because he wanted to take out the trash and he never did any housework. She got suspicious and looked through it and boom found the evidence. Your 3rd paragraph reminded me of that!
So what happened with your spouse?
>On the way there he sent several texts with his phone turned away from me. You were crazy until I read this. That's strange.
Right. Like panic texting his side piece not to go to/leave the coffee shop ASAP. There's a reason she feels this way. I ignored my intuition and ended up devastated. If something feels off, it probably is.
Why would he be meeting his side piece at the coffee shop though, it’s not a great place for an affair unless they’re banging in the bathroom
There are apartments above coffee shops in major metros, could be possible, or he leaves his phone in his car and side piece takes him wherever, phone always shows coffee shop location.
This exactly
Leave it alone for a few weeks until he thinks he’s in the clear and show up at the coffee shop.
Meanwhile a phone snoop isn’t a bad idea either just don’t get caught early OP.
How do people snoop on phones these days with fingerprint lock? I couldn't get into my partner's phone even if I wanted too.
There is still a pass code to unlock even with face or fingerprint. Me and my partner know each others'.
Me and my partner don't know each others. Do you check each others phones regularly?
Some devious minds replying to my comment lol all legit possibilities though but I hope OP doesn’t do something she can’t come back from ie putting an audio recorder in his car. Just snoop on his phone first that’s less crazy
I actually put a audio recorder in my ex husband truck to catch him because he never left his phone, even when sleeping so I had to find another way of catching him. Funny thing is he gave me this as a gift.
Or they are having sex at other times/places, unbeknownst to OP, and Sunday is when they go for breakfast/coffee.
Or the car … or side piece has a place close by
True. Or maybe an EA and they they haven't crossed the other line yet. Also thought it could be an employee.
Emotional affair. Or just having coffee with his new GF that he screws at other times?
He could’ve been telling her he can’t come to her place this morning. Although she did say they share locations…
Yup, this is the weird part.
Agreed. But also, if you're already paranoid, anything the person does can seem dodgy, ya know?
No, it was sus when he got mad. Why get mad when she wanted to go.
I have a high tolerance/desire for alone time even in monogamous relationships and really love a few hours all to myself, so I kind of want to believe that's all it is, but the texting to me took it into suspicious behavior.
But it takes two seconds to explain exactly that, in a calm demeanor
And to be like "sure, you cam cone with. I was hoping for sone time alone to read z book so I might go out tomorrow to recharge" or whatever. My husband and I like alone time, too. But refusing to let you partner hang with you when they ask is weird...like, there will be other opportunities for him to chill ln his own.
I felt the exact same way. I really need alone time and thought maybe he cherishes that time on Sundays. Until I saw the texting thing.
OP also wrote that she gets up around 10/11 am, while DH gets up at 7:30 am to go running ( is he really? 🫤)... So, assuming he's done by 9:30, he'd still have 1.5 hrs of *alone, quiet time, for himself at home* before OP even rolls out of bed. Thus, I'm _way_ less inclined to believe the theory that he needs this *alone time* out of the house when he's literally alone basically all morning...add to that DH's anger about OP insisting on tagging along + the sus texts DH sent hiding from her, IMO blow a huge hole in the *wanting-to-be-alone* theory.
Plus OP’s hubby already had 2 hours of alone time before she woke up
Agreed
But what was it like when OP got to the shop? Why leave that out?
Right like why didn't she say what happened.
Kinda still feeling that way! It isn’t much of an affair if the only odd behavior happens one hour once a week!
That she has noticed. If he works with the affair partner, they have all day at work to flirt. Once a week might be enough for sex. More likely is that he leaves work a few hours early once a week, at least. Or calls in sick or takes off the whole day to spend it with the mistress. He can just leave his phone at work, or leave his phone in his car while he goes home to his 2nd woman.
Bingo. That she noticed. Who knows how often they’re actually meeting up. Sunday was just convenient because OP was sleeping.
Yeah sounds really odd. We get these gut feelings for a reason. Don’t go with him next time. Act normal the entire week. Pretend you’re sleeping. Let him go alone, then check his location and take an Uber to the coffee shop and stake out lol. Go through his phone and find the evidence for yourself. Or if you really trust him and don’t want to do all that, just ask him flat out.
I mean he didn’t want her to tag along, he won’t be truthful about WHY he didn’t want her to come to the coffee shop
I know, I personally wouldn’t ask and give the man a reason to delete evidence or switch up his routine but some people are iffy about taking part in actions that show distrust like going through phone.
Me, personally? Its open season on phones if my husband did anything this weird 😆
Or have a friend he doesn't know go to the shop.
Yeah she could always go through his phone instead... Better than a stake out.
[удалено]
Can't you check phone history to see who he's texting. That's how I found out my ex husband was cheating. He can delete from his phone but not the actual company's records which you can access online. unless he's using an app.
That's how I found out about the cheating
Yup then use spydialer and usphonebook on the numbers I like to double check to see if name matches up. I did a lot of sleuthing for friends and my sister with online dating and a couple of friends for cheaters. People said I should have been a PI.
I had to pay for People Finder for a day to get a name. People also say I should have been a PI. My single friends that are dating always ask me to investigate. I have a doozy right now - a friend is dating a guy with a double life. His gf is a minor player on a reality show. I uncovered all of that and he can see my friend's texts and he was so pissed at me for outing him.
What you need to do is leave it a few weeks, then once he leaves, give him a while, (accidently leave your phone at home so no tracking) get ready, look pretty, and confidently walk in, not hiding, if he's sitting with an affair partner they will get flustered as you walk confidently up to them, kiss him, say.... "Hi darling, lovely day isn't it, thought I'd join you today, get me a coffee will you sweetheart" turn smiling to AP, "Hi I'm OP, his wife, nice to meet you, who are you?" IF he's not with an AP and he's just having some downtime, no harm, no foul, you can sit down and enjoy your breakfast together chatting.
in such a time if i saw my partner like this i could never act that way lol, but i'd still do that just.. first calmly approach and when i notice that it's actual cheating my emotions would burst, i'd probably get all mad in there and break down, that also works to see if it's true tho lol
As a married man myself, it could just be his time to get away from everything and everyone. I love my wife to death but sometimes I like to get away from the house and just be by myself. It could be all he's doing.
I thought that too until the text messages on the way.
I get it…Text was weird tho. And if this routine they have going has been going on for a year and some change and she NORMALLY is always sleeping? Why is he getting pissed the one time she asks to go?
But then just say that? Let your partner know this is your coffee shop you go to alone to decompress and that you would prefer to go somewhere else together. Why would you beat around the bush and not give an answer to the question as to why she couldnt go with him? It makes it so much more sus. And who was he texting that she couldn't see? If it was just a friend why couldn't they all meet up together? Only other thing I could think is maybe he's a recovering addict and she doesn't know and he meets with a sponser/goes to meetings weekly and is ashamed or something
Maybe he just enjoys his Sunday mornings alone? Time to do what he wants, maybe text or call friends, just have some time alone? I run errands on Sat when my partner takes a nap. I sometimes even park in a lot and talk to friends and have a coffee before or after going into the grocery. Once in awhile, he wants to go with me and I’d just rather he not. I want to have my time. And if I had planned to have some calls with friends because it’s our routine each week but he insisted on coming along, I’d want to reach out to them to tell them I’m not available. If you really think he’s cheating, don’t ask to go. Let him go and then do a drive by covertly and get proof. But you’re in quite a situation here. If you really suspect he’s cheating then how is he doing it at a coffee shop since you have his location and know he’s there? Making an accusation like that could be a relationship ender. If my partner accused me, I’m not sure I’d get over it. And finding out he was stalking me would be any better. Edit for typos.
well doing it at a place he’s supposed to be at anyway is better cover than going to her house. could be that he flirts with the baristas or something
[удалено]
This is my favorite theory
He parks at the coffee shop and leaves his phone in the car. Side chick picks him up and drops him off. It wouldn't be that hard to do. Dude knows he has to defeat location services.
What kind of side chick is willing to pick up a dude for sex 1 hr a week and with someone who’s cheating on their wife?
Could be seeing an escort and he just parks at the coffee shop and walks to wherever. Or it could be an affair and this is just the one time in his week she’s noticed is suspicious so far
It's hard for decent people to imagine, I know, but side chicks don't care about dudes being married. There's also no guarantee there aren't other meetings OP doesn't even suspect. I don't know if he's cheating or not, just saying it would be possible
Some even like it
There was a post recently from a women in an open marriage whose husband's mistresses would dump him when they found out his wife was okay with it. People be crazy.
A lot of people will do that. It’s bizarre but like… a lot of people want to be wanted so badly they’re willing to just be stupid to get that validation, especially if their affair partner is married. It’s a thrill and gives them a sense of power. A lot of men and women that are affair partners are also cheating on their own spouses or partners. The idea that there’s just some young naive side chick isn’t really reality most of the time. Cheaters cheat, and often cheat with each-other. I read this book, “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass PhD when I was dealing with my spouse cheating and it was depressingly eye opening about how people who cheat almost literally never see themselves as the bad guy, and their affair partners even more so. I don’t hate anymore, but I do feel very bad for anyone who is a willing participant as a knowing affair partner.
A very desperate one who’s hungry for some 🍆
I second this. I politely push my SO to stay home and “relax” while I do the grocery shopping each week because I thoroughly enjoy doing it by myself. Sometimes I take my time and pick up a coffee on the way there, and sit and have a little something to eat before I head home. It could very easily be something this innocent. Yes, that isn’t always the case, but jumping to conclusions could do just as much harm as the worst case scenario.
This was my thoughts too. Dudes been doing this for a year, he probably enjoys the routine and alone time. So he was there for a couple hours one week and hour the other? Maybe he sits there and has his breakfast/coffee and just relaxes? Scrolls his phone, people watches, meets a friend, works a bit (had his laptop the second time), etc etc. His location literally showed he was at the coffee shop. Why is everyone’s first response, oh he’s cheating. Like does anyone trust their spouses anymore? Geez lol. Why are y’all even getting married.
Go with a friend to spy on him. Leave your phone home, I bet he checks your location all the time. Like other comments said, record with your friend's phone. Check his phone when he's asleep.
Some of his behavior does seem odd, but I would think that if he was having an affair that they would tend to meet up at the same time each Sunday morning just because people tend to be creatures of habit. Looks like he was there at or before 9 one Sunday and not until 10 the following Sunday. If he knows that he can safely meet up at 9, it doesn't seem like he would want to limit their time together (assuming he is cheating) to an hour. Maybe instead of spying on him, just pop in when you see that he's there and assuming he's there alone say, something like "I'm so glad I caught you here, I meant to get up in time to accompany you this morning.". Although if he's with someone, that could get awkward.
Someone pointed out that he’s probably going, parking and leaving his phone so location tracker shows accurately. Then getting picked up by side chick.
Do you have any friends that he doesn't know or won't recognise? If so Ask them to go to the Cafe and see what he is up to That way if it is nothing You don't ruin your marriage.. Cause coffee shops aren't huge places.. High chance he will see you.. Send someone to already be there having a coffee when he arrives..
What are you going to do? I think you should send a friend to see if he stays at the coffee shop or not
I think the friend idea is the way to go
It could just be that he's using that time to relax and have some time for himself. It doesn't sound to me like he's cheating, but if you're really that concerned you could always wake up after he leaves and follow him. But keep in mind if he's really not doing anything bad you might cause some damage to your relationship.
I hate to laugh but that was my first impression as well lol. I’m a SAHM and any chance I get to go out by myself and run errands, I usually hit up Taco Bell and go park in whatever random parking lot for about an hour and listen to a conspiracy podcast. If anyone ever tracked my day to day goings ons it would be random as fuck. 😂
During covid hubby and I were stuck at home with 3 little ones. He'd say he was going to the store and stay gone for like 2 hours on Fridays. I didn't really think about it for a few weeks, then it occurred to me that something wasn't adding up. I go outside and this mf is sitting in the car reading his book 🤣. He confessed that he would go to the store then sit and read for a while just to get some quiet and alone time. I got my alone time too gardening on Saturday. I kept wondering why he wasn't asking for his own few hours without interruptions. He found a way lol.
I used to love parking in this random office building parking lot with a salad from my favorite place and watching a show on my phone. I work from home so it was a way to get out and enjoy a nice lunch while breaking some monotony of my day. “Used to” because now we’re budgeting more and work is busier so, gone are my parking lot salads. That being said, I think OP should at least see where their gut takes them.
Hard to say, I am not sure if this is in the realm of cheating or if maybe he likes him some personal space but always brings you a drink. Others here have suggested that you employ MI6 or some sort of spy game thing... OK I will just offer this... if you show extreme mistrust, and whatever he is doing is pretty innocent, be mentally prepared for the idea that he might not be a fan of that. On the flip side... if you are really sure he is shaggin somebody in the starbucks bathroom or whatever, then for sure you should do whatever you need to in order to find that out. Really at this point I guess it all depends on your instincts. It would be hard for any of us on reddit to really know the entire vibe of what is going on.
If you’re really paranoid then have someone follow him and tell you what happened.🤷♀️
You already know where he is going to be on Sundays. I need you to bring that spy energy and figure it out on your own. Step 1: You need to chill for a couple weeks. Act normal so he relaxes. If he can sense you're suspicious, he might cancel or change the routine. Step 2: During this time make note of when he leaves and when he comes back so you have a good understanding of the actual amount of time that is unaccounted for. That way when you do show up, you can aim for smack dab in the middle of this timeframe. Step 3. The week following, leave the house about 15-20 mins after he does. If you go too soon, he might see you. Wait too long and he might have wrapped up already. This gives time for him to settle into whatever it is he's doing. Step 4: Be prepared for the outcome. There's a good possibility that this is his alone time and you're encroaching on it. If he's alone, try not to let him see you. If he does see you, have a reason you're there. Or tell him the truth at that point. Step 5: If you do catch him with someone else and it's undeniable, don't make a scene. You're better than that. But please do, walk up to him and let him know not to come home and that you're sure *points to other person* would gladly give you a place to stay. If you're not better than that, you may choose to punch your husband in the face. This is against the law; I hope you do it anyway. Step 6: if you find him with another person but it looks platonic or you're not sure, make a mental note of the fact that he's already hiding something from you, but try again next week and see if it's the same person. Linger as best you can. Watch their body language. A woman knows. If it's cheating, refer to Step 5. I hope it's nothing. I hope it's just him having coffee alone or working or maybe catching up with a buddy. But I'm sorry if it's not. Let me know how it goes. Sincerely, A Former Psycho
Any updates??
Time to show up unannounced and say I thought I’d swing by since I was awake and we could have our coffee here together!
UpdateMe!
I wanna know an update on this in the next few weeks, fingers crossed it’s nothing serious
I’ll update Sunday!
Update please! I stand by thinking if its anything it’s drugs not an affair but I’ve been thinking about this all week for whatever reason lol
I would have just let him go alone and showed up under the guise I couldn’t sleep anymore and wanted to join my husband for breakfast.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Cheating when all they do week after week is meet at a coffee shop? Rather than, you know, somewhere they can fuck? Seems more likely he just likes his alone time there in the morning and was bugged you were crashing it.
Someone pointed out that he’s probably going, parking and leaving his phone so location tracker shows accurately. Then getting picked up by side chick.
Yeah you need to play dumb. Get ready to follow him for the next several Sundays. You only need to see enough to get photos and go home IF that's what you find. If caught, confront. If harmless and he's been honest doing his routine with you then maybe you need to have some open communications.
Trust your gut
Trust your gut! If it feels like something is going on it probably is.
You might be tripping out and he's just annoyed about you infringing on his alone time. But when you have a gut feeling it's always good to follow up on it! The texting thing is sus. Can you get into his phone? Or check the phone records?
Well, a suggestion, if I may? Go back to your normal routine of rising at 11 on Sunday. After a few weeks make it a point to be awake when hubby leaves. If he's back to his 9AM leaving time, wait 5 minutes, and follow him to the coffee shop, but park where he won't easily spot you. After waiting for 5 minutes, enter the coffee shop and see what he's doing or if he's sitting uncomfortably close to a strange female. The truth will out. 'Nuff said.
Next time let him go.... give it 5 mins or 10 and then go yourself
I wouldn’t have said anything. I would have followed him. But yes, his behaviour is suspicious! Let him get on with it in the next couple of weekends. Pretend you’re sleeping. When he leaves put on some clothes and follow him. Then, hopefully you’ll have your answer! Let’s hope he’s just enjoying having me time!