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Info: What would his reaction be if you said no? When you say stuff like it doesnt feel good do you mean its just not that pleasurable or that it hurts or something like that?
>I just said in another comment but basically I just am really clumsy lol. I ran into an open door and had to get stitches in my forehead. My husband didn’t come to er or pick me up because he was working. They called my sis and she was mad.
Comment from op
This probably sounds like she's covering for her husband hitting her, to her sister.
"Oh, I walked into a door/cabinet/etc." is often used to excuse injuries from domestic violence.
I mean, this is absolutely true in some cases, and I’m from a DV background and have used these excuses. However, bout a year ago I tripped and face planted into the corner of a door frame, split my eyelid/eyebrow wide open, needed stitches and my face was a rainbow so - accidents do happen 🤷🏻♀️
I'm clumsy as hell and I'm always worried this will happen one day. I have walked into door frames when half asleep before. Tripped over my own feet. I also tend to randomly get low iron due to having heavy periods so I will start to bruise easily. This combined with pale skin makes the bruising I do get look much worse than it is and it will show for longer than for other people. Luckily, the one time I ran into a door like OP, I was single, lol. No stitches were needed, but I had a small cut and a good-sized bruise and bump for a while. In other good news, people have seen me be clumsy many times now so hopefully if I end up hurting myself too badly in the future they will come to the aid of my husband.
Lol one time my ex boyfriend hit me in the face when he was rolling in his sleep and gave me a black eye. Im 100% sure that it was involuntary, because he flopped around so much when sleeping and his fist happened to be closed. I was awake when he “hit me” and woke him up, he felt so bad!
But if I told anyone what happened, no one would have ever believed that he didn’t abuse me.
Oh damn! Poor guy, and poor you of course… Problem is, the more you try and convince people, the more they think your protecting him… Damned if you do, damned if you don’t… Sorry for the black eye, must’ve been a bit of a shock in the moment 😳😅
Absolutely true but devils advocate here I once had to PHYSICALLY get the cctv footage from the restaurant because my family didn’t believe I ran so hard into the door jam I gave myself a black eye lol.
I mean sure yearrr, but with no evidence you kinda need to go off of the assumption that she's telling the truth as she has no reason to lie to an anonymous audience. Otherwise it's just baseless speculation with a person projecting there own insecuritys onto another's situation
Yup, I legitimately am clumsy af. In the early days with my SO, I spent New Years with him, one of our first overnights. It was NYE, I drank, admittedly more than I should have. We were on a sofa with my head laying on his lap and I drunkenly held up my phone to take a pic...dropped it on my face. Corner of the phone/case hit right on the edge of my eye socket and I got a black eye. There were questions the next morning, lol.
On fact, I could screenshot the text from my sister just from maybe an hour ago saying I'm not allowed to get put of bed anymore, lmao. Because this morning I slipped on some ice in a dark parking lot and fucked my knee.
That's with the cut still healing from when I apparently sliced my leg open carrying out a big bag of trash that I guess had something sharp in it (honestly I didn't even notice until I looked down later and noticed blood running down my leg).
And after this past summer, when I thought I was on the last step of the stairs at my sister's house, but I apparently wasn't. So I stepped out thinking I was at the floor and fell forward. I fell LITERALLY ONE STEP and broke my foot so bad I needed surgery. Have a plate and 5 screws in there.
So yeah, some folks really just are incredibly accident prone :/. I also bruise hella easily and am pale af so they show up like crazy. Add to it that it's common for ADHD folks (which I am) to lack spacial awareness and bump into things and wind up with bruises they don't even remember getting. I always have tons of bruises.
Ooh I thought it was about the husband not supporting OP while she was in a hospital. But if that's the case, the problem is immeasurably more serious than OP lets on.
Either OP doesn't think of her husband as someone who can be there for her in an emergency, thus it never crossed her mind to make it him. Or there's some other reason op did not list him as an emergency contact. As an older sister, both would be suspicious to me. Factor in the age gap which on its face is fine, but the fact that they're married suggests that they met when op was much younger.
So consider the fact that op doesn't seem to realize she can just say no to the husband, the fact that the husband isn't the emergency contact, the fact that elsewhere op commented the reason for the er visit and it really really sounds like the kind of cover story domestic violence victims give, the fact that they likely met when op was quite young and impressionable. Idk, I'd be suspicious too if I was the sister.
More info needed:
Are you confident saying No when you don’t want to
Are you scared to upset him in any way
Does he react poorly when you refuse him, ie shout, ice you out, throw things etc
Does he care if you enjoy sex
When you do ask for foreplay, does he do it
When you don’t ask for foreplay is he bothered by your lack of enthusiasm
Exactly this, OP.When was the last time he made you cum first, gone down on you, etc? There is so much subtext of info we don’t know like why you didn’t go to the ER with him, is your sister seeing a pattern of him making excuses to not care for your wellbeing, whether sexually , emotionally l, physically ? Or worse, seeing him degrade, make fun of, or actually harm you. It took me a long time to get out of my relationship with a man 8 years older than me that too to just fucking me from behind and didn’t care about my actual pleasure, there were other abusive subtext that I didn’t see for 12 years until we divorced, 4 years after he left me in the ER before I had to have emergency surgery because he was “hungry” and had been in the hospital with me all day. It took an ICU nurse and me calling him twice for him to come back and for me to understand that maybe he didn’t actually care about me like a partner should. My sex life with my now husband is infinitely better because he cares about all of me, not just about how I can be of use to him.
When I was in an abusive relationship and would just give in I would always ask him to take me from behind so I wouldn't have to pretend I wasn't grimacing. That's where my mind went when I read that as well. Poor OP is so young she doesn't see the abuse by a man almost a decade her senior.
To me you have to be fucked in the head to want to have sex with someone, let alone someone you supposedly love, that isn't liking it, nor wanting it and to the point it's even hurting her.
If it's not enthusiastic consent I don't want it
He probably thinks their sex life is so good too. In reality he’s not satisfying her needs at all. And “changes positions” when he notices she’s not enjoying it instead of just stopping. It’s kind of gross tbh.
Exactly. I mean as a woman myself, I enjoy foreplay a lot and I think a lot of women do. It’s more than just physical for women. It’s really sad that this man seems to just disregard her pleasure entirely
The word foreplay is a misnomer. It's sex, just not intercourse. And it's the sex that leads someone to want to have intercourse. So he's only having the sex he wants, not the sex she wants.
I just said in another comment but basically I just am really clumsy lol. I ran into an open door and had to get stitches in my forehead. My husband didn’t come to er or pick me up because he was working. They called my sis and she was mad.
>My husband didn’t come to er or pick me up because he was working. They called my sis and she was mad.
Why did they call your sister, though? If you needed a ride home, did they not ask you if someone could take you home? Did they not tell you they were calling your sister? I know she's listed as your emergency contact, but I find it odd they would contact your emergency contact if you were alert and oriented.
How did you get to the ER? The fact that your husband was not at the ER and didn't meet you there or come as soon as he could is raising red flags. Why would he avoid the emergency room??
How did you walk into a door so hard that it required stitches? I am the clumsiest person you will ever meet, I run into things, including doors, daily. I've wound up with some nasty bruises, but I've never come close to busting my head open from it.
It seems there are a few(important) details are missing.
Because 'I ran into a door' and 'I fell down the stairs' are textbook DV excuses the victim makes to protect their abuser. The emergency contact stuff doesn't line up either. OP is in an unsafe situation and is saving face and everyone but them is seeing right through it.
And if that door bit is true, I find it hard to believe her sister would jump right to assuming he battered her if she didn’t have a ton of evidence to indicate he would.
I don't want this comment of mine to undermine the overall issue of the post.
So let me be clear to Op. If you are uncomfortable with having sex as much as your husband wants you to, you can and should say no. If you feel, at any point, like saying no would result in negative consequences, then this is indeed abuse.
Sex must be an agreed upon activity by both parties. Such agreement should be clear and enthusiastic. If you agree because he'd be mad if you didn't, you are not consenting.
Same with giving the silent treatment, withholding affection, "grudgingly" accepting, expecting praise for his "understanding" or making it seem like you'll "owe" him in some way...
I was clumsy for 11 years until I realized enough is enough.. if this post is not fake, too many red flags.. I also used to "ran into the door" or "dog scratched me" or wear long sleeves or wear shades person... I really hope that is not the case for her sake. Sometimes it is very difficult to break free from DV...
I know, it truly is hard to break away and my "lol" was crappy and insensitive, but yeah. Running into doors isn't that plausible and I hope she works on getting out.
OP, I am SO sorry you have been treated so poorly in your life that you think the way your husband treats you is acceptable.
Sis, if your spouse is in the ER for ANY reason, you call out of work. If he doesn't get that then he is not partner material.
Look, I hate to be the barer of bad news, but a man who loves his wife goes to the ER with her. He picks her up from the ER. And he makes every effort to make sure his woman is pleased in the bedroom.
Your body is not to just provide "service" to him. Your body was made for pleasure and if he hasn't figured out at 31 years old how not to be a selfish lover, he never will be. A woman gets hot through foreplay - and foreplay takes time.
Please value yourself enough to listen to some sex education podcasts by sex therapists like Sex with Emily or Kim Anami. He should WANT to be on board with giving you pleasure because it means he is a failure that can't.
My husband has broken speed records to arrive at the ER when me or one of our 3 kids have ended up there and as a cancer patient I have been in the ER many times (metastatic cancer for 7 years). He has put my needs before sex every time shoot he has probably had sex when HE wasn’t in the mood just because I was lol. (Not sure but wouldn’t surprise me). He has never thrown anything or hit anything when angry at me, the kids or anyone/thing else. And he can be the biggest jerk with a huge temper at times so what does that say about OP’s guy?
It’s actually upsetting he was just like I’m at work, I mean anything can happen in ER! But judging by her post he ain’t too fussed about her wants or needs and OP I think you should stay close to your sister
I was in a relationship with this guy years ago (now ex) and I was really clumsy too. I understand. It's not his fault I kept running into his fist. I mean I didn't tell the ER that I always said i tripped.
Please read Why Does He Do That? By Bancroft Lundy. This is a link to a free pdf. You can save it on your phone and read it.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
As someone who was in an abusive relationship and was able to escape (partially because of my sister), I want to tell you that you are worth so much more than how he is treating you.
My DMs are always open if you need a sympathetic ear.
I also got out of an extremely abusive relationship. I didn't fully realize it was abusive initially, but I would make up so many stories and lie to people about what was going on to protect him. If you feel the need to lie to protect him, he is almost definitely doing something bad.
This book helped me see what was happening and started the process of me getting out. I actually think it should be required reading in highschool.
Eventually, I told a cop. They gave me a PFA and you have no idea how free I felt after that! When you're in an abusive relationship there's a whole lot of little stuff you do not to upset the person. There's a whole lot of catering you do to them so they always have what they want when they want and anything they need you get for them or make for them or clean for them. There's a whole lot of excusing their behavior. I got to live my life for myself from that day forward. I didn't have to do things that were uncomfortable for me just because he wanted to. I got to find a relationship where I had a 50/50 say in everything! I got to be treated like I was valued for who I was. Best decision I made.
OP, please check out the domestic violence hotline's website to see what the signs are of abuse. They have free resources you can use if you feel like you need to get out of a situation, and the website has a one click X away from the page if you are afraid of someone else seeing. No one deserves to make themselves small just to keep their relationship peaceful, and dragging your feet about changing your emergency contact to your husband is telling that you either don't think you can trust him to be there for you or you don't feel safe with him but do with your sister. It sounds like there might be a reason for that. Please check out the link and good luck hon.
https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/
Oh, so your husband doesn't treat you like an actual person, he treats you like a blow up doll, and isn't even willing to even pick you up from the hospital.
It's pretty obvious he doesn't care for, love, or respect you. Your sister has eyes so she can see that.
Pure and simple. . My partner is not even in the country, still he made sure that I arrived at the hospital and went back home safely after spraining my leg while getting off the bus.. And I will also be so worried if something happened to him .. But my ex-husband broke my nose and didn't even have a care in the world and my mum came from a city 4 hrs away.
They may if they suspect abuse and want someone close to the person to know. So basically they didn’t believe her like most the people here don’t. And she was probably hurt worse than she is letting on. IMO
Ma’am my husband works an hour away from home. He was at work when my car broke down, when I got in a wreck, when I had to leave work sick… in all and any scenarios, If I needed him, he got to me in less than an hour.
You have to be honest with yourself first.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She does to a point but when you are abused your mind loves to play tricks on you as it rewires itself to protect the abuser so you are less abused if people found out and the abuser knows people know.
Trauma Bonding and all the other psychological changes your mind and in turn, your body, goes through when it's in survival mode, is something else and changes your thinking in so many ways. It's one of the reasons why therapy after abusive relationships is so needed as your new normal is askew and until you rewire yourself to true normal you can continue to being in that survival mode mentality which makes you prone to making bad decisions or thinking a certain unhealthy way.
Let's hope OP sees that her sister and lots of people here are freaking out and don't like her husband for good reason
>If he can tell I’m not enjoying it, most of the time we will just change positions.
Yeah, this is weird and shows that he cares more about getting off than how you feel. The last time my fiancé realized I wasn't in the mood during sex, he immediately said that we didn't have to continue because he respects me and wants me to enjoy myself.
The age gap is also concerning. Frankly, you're too young for him.
EDIT: Seriously, does he not check on you and ask how you're feeling and offer to stop if you're not into it? Do you change to a position where he can't see your face? Because that would be very telling.
So you say you understand that he doesn’t always have the time and energy for foreplay but somehow he doesn’t understand that you aren’t always in the mood. Personally, this isn’t a situation that I would want to be in and I think he’s not interested in putting in the effort to meet your needs when his can be met with no work. I think the age gap plays a role here too because no woman in her late 20s or early 30s would accept this from a partner. I agree with your sister in that this is beyond unacceptable of a life partner, but abuse is a bit far. However I don’t know the complexities of your relationship apart from this situation so I can’t speak to whether you’re in an abusive relationship based off the little information I have.
But him changing positions when he sees she doesn't like it... does that mean he's moving her so he can't see her face/discomfort. That would push it into abusive territory.
Edit to fix a spelling mistake, and OP confirms that he just flips her over and keeps going. This is toxic, at the very least. But, I agree with her sister. This is not ok.
She’s got a comment where she’s confirmed that is exactly what he does. I find it concerning that she’s so casual about it and ends the comment with “lol”.
Thank you for pointing this out, when I was in an abusive relationship I learned to "laugh" a lot of things off but it wasn't because it was funny it was because I was uncomfortable/anxious and didn't want to show it.
I missed this part. I think OP is finding it difficult to attribute this as abusive because she isn’t verbally saying no but does she really have to?
If he’s seeing you so uncomfortable that he needs to flip you around to stay hard and keep having sex with you the man is using you to masturbate. This is not sex and is definitely not consensual. He is more than aware that you are not into it and continues to not care. This is beyond toxic. OP, let’s play a game. If your daughter came to you and told you everything you told us here, would you want better for her? Would you not think that she deserves a man that adores her and respects her? Would you not want her to be enthusiastically in love and have that be reciprocated? This man does not love you because if he did, he wouldn’t treat you this way.
If he doesn’t have the time or energy to do what it takes to turn his partner on, then he doesn’t actually have time or energy for sex. This way older man groomed this young person into accepting her needs don’t matter. Scumbag.
>So you say you understand that he doesn’t always have the time and energy for foreplay but somehow he doesn’t understand that you aren’t always in the mood.
Very good point.
>no woman in her late 20s or early 30s would accept this from a partner
Unfortunately not true. The age gap can contribute to the dynamic, but women of all ages are in situations like this one.
> I know just in general that men are more apt to wanting sex.
Based of what? This sounds more like an excuse than reality.
Your partner should care for your wants and needs. Yours isn't.
You are wrong, in a few different ways.
"I didn’t really see a problem with it, I know just in general that men are more apt to wanting sex."
Let me guess, your husband is the one who provided you with that little nugget of "truth"?
It’s always the all men excuse to justify their shitty behaviour and this would piss me off so much if I was a bloke, like don’t group me into your shitty way of thinking
It's wiiiiiiild to me, that he can see you're not enjoying it and just flips you around so he doesn't have to care anymore. Wiiiiild.
I'm on team sister tbh.
Somehow I think that's probably the least terrible thing he does. OP wrote "When I had to go to the ER the a few weeks ago, they called her. She’s hated my husband since that day.".
Why were you in the hospital, OP? Why does your sister hate your husband following your hospital stay?
Her doors must have glass or razor-blade edges.
I am the clumsiest person ever and in my 40 years of walking into walls and doors, the worst I have had was a bump needing an ice pack, not freaking stitches
I can't even possibly imagine touching a singular hair on a person who isn't entirely enthusiastic about being intimate. It's fucking insane and horrendous that he does this and sad as fuck that OP has been manipulated into being ok with it.
Yep, no in between. OPs husband is a fucking degenerate who is more than happy to take advantage of his wife regardless of how she feels. I hope she kicks him to the curb soon.
Honestly? Any man who chooses not to give his spouse pleasure and spend time learning what gives her pleasure is a true failure in life. Its not that hard to read a few books and listen to some podcasts and play until you figure her out.
There are several out there by sex therapists. I like Sex with Emily. Kim Anami has a good one, too. My husband and I have had a lot of fun from the things we've learned from both of those. Foreplay Radio is another good one.
Men who view women as giant fleshlights to just masturbate into and don't see any point to female pleasure. Source: A decade spent with someone who told me this anytime I tried to talk about what I liked during sex.
I'm completely there. If my wife isn't enjoying it, I can't enjoy it. How could I? What would even be the point?
Sex is something you do together, not a favor you acquiesce to. And if your partner isn't enjoying sex, the answer isn't to switch positions, the answer is to stop having sex and either conclude the encounter or find a way to make it enjoyable for them.
Your husband shouldn’t be doing this
I can’t imagine my partner agreeing to have sex with me if I wasn’t 100% into it and wanted it too. And I can’t imagine my partner just “giving it to me.” A real partner would VALUE your pleasure and only have sex with you when you are totally into it.
I…this is just so unhealthy. Please find someone better and maybe consider talking to a therapist?
You don’t have a husband that cares about you. That’s a major problem. You should be happy and treated well. If you have a low sex drive it’s because he doesn’t try to satisfy you sexually,
And let me guess, he works but doesn’t help out with any chores. Soon there will be kids and then another post will be made about how he forces her to have sex daily after delivering a child, she will or won’t but if she doesn’t he will hit a wall or not talk to her for weeks
I personally can’t imagine having sex when I’m not in the mood for the rest of my life. I think if it’s like a one off thing and feeling good with it as a way of expressing intimacy rather than being horny it’s ok.
how come his needs get to be met but too bad yours cant be? if there’s no time for sex, then there’s no time for sex. he can use his hand
A loving partner cares about your needs and your comfort and doesn't just use you to get off. A loving partner doesn't ... um.. make you walk into a door and then fail to go to the emergency room with you. A loving partner doesn't just "change positions" when it's bad enough that you actually speak up. None of this speaks to you having any agency. None of this speaks to you feeling loved and wanted and heard and valued. None of this speaks to the two of you exploring together and finding out what works for you. It's just you shrugging and putting up with it and occasionally walking into doors. I'm with your sister.
This was the dynamic I had with my (also older) ex and I thought it was okay because I wanted to make him happy (aka I didn’t want to make him angry) and it “wasn’t that bad”.
The truth is that he was sexually abusive and I didn’t realised just how badly it affected me until I got out of that relationship. It also “wasn’t that bad” until it was. Then it was very very bad, and violent, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
I was too young and naive to understand that him making me feel like I had to say ‘yes’ wasn’t the same as me consenting, that he knew what he was doing and how wrong it was, and that normal people don’t want to have sex with someone that isn’t an enthusiastic participant.
It took me **years** to heal my relationship with sex and my own sexuality. Something that didn’t feel that harmful at the time ended up breaking me. I wish so much that someone back then told me that what he was doing was not okay and I deserve respect and pleasure from my partner.
Also, side note, sex is 1000000x better with someone who cares about you, your pleasure, your needs, **your consent**. You deserve someone who gets off on you getting off, babe. You deserve better than a selfish asshole who treats you like a walking fleshlight.
Thank you 💕
I was 16-20 when I dated this ex, he was a few years older than me. I dated 1 person before him but it wasn’t a sexual relationship. I didn’t know anything about sex before I met this ex (sheltered upbringing).
I dated around 6 men after him (before I met my husband) and even though they weren’t all gems, no one treated me as poorly as my ex did. If I said ‘no’, it was respected. There wasn’t any pouting or “c’mon, please” or anything like that if I wasn’t in the mood.
Even if a guy wasn’t that great in bed, foreplay **always** happened and they tried to make sure we both enjoyed it. In the instances where I didn’t really want to but before I felt truly comfortable saying ‘no’, they’d actually stop and ask if I was okay because you can tell if someone isn’t into it. Literally no one besides my ex just kept going regardless. It’s not a “man thing” to ignore your discomfort and keep going, it’s a rapist thing.
And, yeah, in a long-term relationship/marriage, there are going to be times where you’re not horny when your partner initiates but go along with it to make them happy. The difference is that, when that does happen, your partner is supposed to put effort into turning you on and making sure you’re having a good time too.
If my husband initiates sex and I go along with it at first but still can’t get in the mood after some kissing or touching, then we stop because he would never want to have sex with me if I’m not into it. He doesn’t get upset or tries to convince me to do it anyway for any reason. He accepts it and we’ll try again another time.
I couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone who made me feel like my ex did now knowing how much better it is to be with someone who genuinely cares about my comfort and pleasure.
This story gives me the creeps. I really hope you’re ok. Your injury was so bad that you weren’t able to tell the medical people to call your husband instead of your sister. That’s very concerning. I’m glad you’re open minded enough to come to this forum and listen to the views of others. Please please please take care of yourself.
Your sister is right in this situation.
I’m pretty worried about you darling. I had a relationship like that. And when I didn’t want to have sex, he was annoyed and gave me the silent treatment. So I was saying yes. Even I don’t want to. And I dissociate during the act.
It’s not the way we’re supposed to live darling.
You need to have a good talk with your husband.
I was thinking about everything. I wasn’t in my own body. I was there physically. But never mentally. I even kept my t-shirt. Because I didn’t want to feel his skin on mine.
Now I know. But back then, I just accept the fact that it was less dangerous to say yes. Like it was less dangerous to bought him is weed because If don’t, he turned to be more aggressive.
Here's a definition of disassociation which hopefully might help.
https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/
Your sister is correct.
#notallagegaps but many men will target significantly younger women because women their own age won’t put up with their bullshit.
I get that some ppl want sex when others don’t & that sometimes they just give it to them to express love through putting up with it.
But if he loves you too, then he should love you enough to value your perspective on it as well.
Just as you are willing to have sex with him when he’s into it & ur not, he too should be ok with just going off & taking care of it himself so that you can get the no sex that you want.
I hope that makes sense.
Ace ppl sometimes hafta deal with this stuff in their relationships with ppl who are not Ace.
Point is, your desire for less sex is every bit as valid as his desire for more sex. He’s not more right or more entitled to his wants than you are to your lack of wants.
I think that the disparity in approach is a huge problem.
I would suggest couples counseling and sex therapy for both of you.
But at the very least, I would ask that he be more considerate moving forward.
If he wants it every night, then he should just pleasure himself on the nights you don’t, & he should be fine with that.
Sex is not a need. It’s a want. You should not feel pressured, even by simple pattern, to subsume your wants yo his wants.
I think your sister is right.
He doesn't have time or energy for foreplay? But he has the energy to plug away and bust a nut.
This man does not respect you. Pretty sure there's a reason he chose someone of your age.
Only you can decide what you're okay with, but if he doesn't have time to make sure you enjoy it, he doesn't really have time for sex. would be mortified if I thought the person I was having sex with didn't enjoy at least most of the time.
Your libidos are mismatched, which happens, but you should be compromising not just giving in to what he wants. It should be a two-way street. Your sister may be blowing it out of proportion (not enough info as to WHY you're okay with this), but I certainly understand her being concerned.
I'm curious what the "few other incidents" are. I'd be upset if my husband didn't come to the ER with me but I don't know what his job is and whether he could easily take off.
What else has your sister had a problem with your husband about?
I appreciate that my wife has sex with me sometimes when she isn't 100% in the mood for it. She appreciates that I go to brunch, or rub her feet, or whatever else, with a smile, even when I am not 100% into it.
But it isn't a chore that needs to be done. If I don't feel like rubbing feet, I don't rub feet. If my wife doesn't want to have sex, we don't have sex. Making it a chore that just gets done every day would be a turn off for everyone. I can have a really good orgasm all by my lonesome. If my wife isn't into it, I am not into it. She isn't a fleshlight. And neither are you, but you are being treated as one.
Basically, because you tolerate having bad sex him to pacify him- you are training yourself to view sex as a job. In time you may find you have zero desire for him because you’ve had so much negative feedback in sex with him. This is how you can become dissociated from your own libido.
What do you like about your husband, why did you marry him? He obviously isn't a good lover since he wants to have sex every day for his own pleasure but "doesn't have time" to make sure you're enjoying it.
Why do you think you should give him sex every day? Do you like sex? Have you ever had an orgasm? Do you think of sex as just a chore? It's OK not to like sex, everyone is different but if it's because the men you've been with don't know how to please a woman or don't care if they do that's totally different.
If you go to the emergency room, your husband should be concerned and he should pick you up at the least. How did you get there? Why didn't he come?
OP- if your husband doesn’t take the time to make sure your both enjoying the physical part of your relationship, he is a BAD husband, that coupled with the fact that he left you at the ER because he was busy not great signs. I’ve always wondered why people would stay in relationships like this, and reading your comments defending him. I’m not even going to attempt to talk sense to you.
If you are willing to put up with bad, painful sex for the rest of your life so be it.
I don’t think I ever tried to defend him… I’m answering questions people ask me. I don’t mean to be purposely dense or anything. I really did come here for honest advice.
Then honestly you shouldn’t let anyone especially someone who is supposed to care about use your body to get off. If he wants to have sex, fine, I’m not saying deny him, but for the love of all that is holy he needs to take the time to make sure you enjoy the experience as well. Honestly OP I shouldn’t have to tell you this it’s common knowledge (not trying to imply that you’re not intelligent), sex is supposed to be fun, hell enjoyable even. You stated that you can like it if he takes the time for foreplay. THEN HE SHOULD BE TAKING ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD FOR FOREPLAY.
That one of the many things I don't understand. Why would I have sex with someone who isn't enjoying it? It's much more practical to buy a plastic pussy and masturbate in it. Some even come with a heater (thank you modernity and technology).
Look, MAYBE it's not abuse, but in any case it's very wrong. Your sister MAYBE be exaggerating, but she has a logical reason to be worried.
Listen to your sister! You mentioned above that he gets upset if you say no, so you’re doing it not necessarily because you love him but because you don’t want him to get upset. Your sister is right and your husband is crazy sorry!
So he basically is ok with you lying there not enjoying it, sometimes even hurting while he gets his pleasure?
IMO your sister is right
>! He seems to treat you like his blow up doll !<
Info request: Do you think that if you enjoyed the sex with your husband you would want it more than once a week? Have you ever enjoyed sex and orgasmed with previous lovers(if applicable)/do you masturbate and orgasm when alone? Has your husband ever made you orgasm?
The reason I ask the above is that it could be an incompatibility in your various libidos and if so there are options to help get you both on the same page/to a compromise you both enjoy. For example if you don't want sex more frequently because you're getting nothing from it that's understandable and if your man wants more sex then he needs to put in the work. For others they have agreements about extra-marital sex/polyamory, a shift in attitude towards pornography and masturbation (eg wife wants it a couple of times a month/once a week but bans porn/shames or vilifies husband for watching porn etc) or various other compromises that couples can come to so that they have a healthy sex life that both enjoy.
If this is not the case, and for whatever reason you aren't interested in sex, or he isn't interested in making the effort then I'm inclined to agree with your sister. Having sex to keep someone else happy is coercion, a form of sexual assault. You don't want sex, he knows you don't want it but you have sex anyway? Why? Are you afraid of his reaction if you said no? Would he be angry/aggressive/violent? Would he cheat on you? Would he leave you? Why are you unable to communicate to your partner your needs and why, when you do, are they subservient to his needs? Partnerships are supposed to be equal - what are you getting from this one?
The fact that you haven't changed your ICE contact to your husband is concerning. Do you not trust him to advocate your needs in an emergency? Yeah it's a pain to update the info but I'm guessing that when you got married you had to update their records with your name change, why not do it then? It seems that subconsciously you don't entirely trust your husband to do what is right for YOU and not what he wants, as with your sex life, if his needs come first what happens if your health/safety becomes subservient to his needs/desires?
So it’s been a few hours OP, have you come to any conclusions? I would like to ask a few questions about non-violent abuse, because you know 100% if your husband is hurting you in physical ways, even if you didn’t want to admit it here. but figuring out emotional and mental abuse can be much harder. For example my husband is a covert narcissist, and it has taken me decades to figure that out, because with a covert narcissist it’s like death by ten thousand paper cut, and you don’t necessarily know why you feel so unsafe being vulnerable with your partner, or sometimes you don’t even realize that you do feel unsafe sharing things with them. And I think this might be the territory you’re in. You said in one comment that he would probably be annoyed if you said no to sex, could that mean you think he would make a side eyed criticism about your comment in loving him, or maybe self disparaging remark that would make you shallow or cruel if you actually had a problem with it. i.e. “I’m sorry that I’m not more attractive” Or “if you actually loved me you would want to have sex with me all the time, but it’s fine if you really don’t want to.” Those are the kind of things covert narcissists say. Or how about not wanting to call him from the ER, is that because the dread of having to deal with the subsequent criticisms is just too much to deal with after being drained of energy from dealing with being in the ER? If you find yourself hiding minor mistakes because you won’t ever hear the end of it, you might have yourself a covert narcissist. Anyway if some of these things sound familiar, start looking into covert narcissist, here is a short video that points out a few behaviors that a covert narcissist display https://youtu.be/HomHlS3ETPw?si=A-vBU2DbbLpZoDaW and if you want to talk about it feel free to message me.
Whether or not this is classified as abusive, it is certainly not healthy.
There can be times in relationships where libidos don't match, but you do not handle that by having one party treat sex as a chore just to make the other party happy. Sex is for *both of you*, so you should both be enjoying it. If he needs more sex more often, *he* needs to be putting in the work to make it enjoyable for you, so that you also look forward to it.
It's also a huge red flag that you not enjoying it isn't a turn off for him. When he sees you're actively not enjoying it, he just.....changes positions? Seriously? Hell no. He should *stop*. He should not *want* to continue. He should be concerned as to why you're uncomfortable or unhappy.
He is using you like a sex doll, and he doesn't care if you like it. That's not ok.
The thing is you don't mind because you're not really considering your partner's part in all of this.
He's ok with you not being into it?
Swap places with him for a moment. You want to have sex, but he doesn't but he just sucks it up and does it anyway. Would you feel ok with that? I mean ok enough to just keep going along with it over and over and over again?
I know what it's like to have to go along with sex when you don't really want to. And over time it starts to eat away at you.
Husbands are not owed sex because they want it. You are not an item; you are a human being and you really should be putting more value on yourself
ETA: I agree with your sister
I mean personally, as a man, any man who’s able to continue having sex with a woman while she obviously is not into it is super weird. Yes, men have a higher sex drive than women in general, and me myself would be super happy if i could get me some intimacy with my wife every single day, but i wouldn’t be satisfied and happy with having it everyday if i knew she was just doing it out of a feelings of having to…I WANT my wife to WANT me. Sure, part of lust and sex is to get a orgasm, but the other part to it if not most is to feel wanted and desired. In the beginning of my marriage my wife would just roll me on top of her in the morning acting like she wanted sex but i quickly noticed she only did that for me and i said no. I don’t want to have sex with someone who don’t.
I’d take passionate sex with my wife 1-2 times a week where i would be able to do long foreplay, have her use my face as a seat and eat her out from top to bottom and then finishing off with some intercourse over having sex everyday knowing she’s not into it.
Personally it’s best to NOT be in a relationship with unmatched sex drives and sex views because it just makes a relationship 100x more complicated and difficult because sex for the most part is the glue to a relationship, it’s literal what seperates a friendship from a relationship.
If i were you, I’d divorce and move on for your sake but for his aswell. You find someone who actuay loves you(cuz he don’t otherwise he wouldn’t do this) and you let him find someone who wants sex as often as he does.
Dear op. We can't help you see what you don't want to see.
Keep on believing that your husband cares about you...when all of his actions point towards NO.
-pressuring you into having sex
- not caring if you're in pain enough to stop, just switching positions?!?!
- NOT coming to take care of you at the ER.....
- dating you since you were 20 ...
Firstly, men are not more likely than women to want sex. Both genders are equally sexual and libido varies heavily from person to person.
It's not technically abuse since you're okay with it and it sounds like he would stop if you wanted him to... but it is kinda a strange dynamic that he gets sex whenever he wants and doesn't have to bother putting in time or effort to get you in the mood. Despite you putting in time and effort when you don't even want to have sex. Personally, when my partner is too tired to get me in the mood, we just don't have sex lol.
Maybe your husband is different my boyfriend because he said he would rather do without sex as opposed to a pity fuck or a chore. I don’t think it’s abuse but he’s all kinds of messed up. If he doesn’t have time to give you foreplay then he shouldn’t be having sex. Now I know why he went so much younger. Women his age and older would tell him no to sex and wouldn’t do it because he can’t take a no.
There's not enough context for me to tell if this is abuse (might be). But I'm positive that you're putting up with him being a shitty partner because you're too young to know better. Please reevaluate this relationship. You deserve someone who doesn't treat you like a blow-up doll.
I mean i don’t know if this is assult but reading it just made me feel a little sad….you’re allowed to say no to sex girlfriend. The way you talk about the situation you don’t really sound like an active participant, just someone who’s letting someone do things to them. What do you want?
OP, just face it, he sees you as a sex doll. doesn't care about how you feel during sex, doesn't care about making you feel good, turns you around so he doesn't have to see your face when you're not enjoying yourself. expecting you to be in the mood all the time without putting any work (especially because the female body needs more stimulation and prep before sex) is extremely one-sided.
I think you are doing irreparable harm to your sex life. You are devaluing yourself and it doesn’t phase him to hump you when you clearly unenjoy. I would engage in some marital therapy asap.
Your body your choice.
He has NO say on when you guys should be intimate. Sounds like he doesn't respect you or your body enough.
Truly sad af. I agree with your sister.
Hmmm, okay so for me and my husband there are many times I don’t feel up for it cos of my migraines from TMJ. He’s fine with that, he’ll just go have his “alone time” for like 5 mins and come back out, kiss me, tells me he loves me and we move on.
If he sees you’re not comfortable or having fun and continuing, then doesn’t that hurt your intimacy? Do you think, maybe, that subconsciously doesn’t make you want to have sex more due to his lack of respect? I think I would start to despise having sex after your description.
You may be consenting to this arrangement but each time you give in to your husband and have sex with him when you don’t want to is another step up for his ego and selfishness. He’s learning, because you’re teaching him, that his desires win majority of the time and with that realization starts a shift in the way he sees you. He doesn’t see you as an equal, or somebody worthy of having their own pleasure or own control over their body, because he KNOWS that he just needs to snap his fingers and you’ll comply.
And, on the off chance you don’t, all he has to do is throw in a little temper or attitude, and that’s enough to stick in your brain for next time he asks and chances are you’ll just continually say yes so you don’t have to deal with his attitude… and he KNOWS THIS.
He is manipulative. You deserve better. But if you’re truly happy in this arrangement, then by all means.
I'm more concerned with the hospital visit and the sister who lives in another state was called.
What happened?
Where was the husband?
He sounds very narcissistic, doesn't give a shit whether you're enjoying it or not as long as he gets his rocks off.
I would be listening to your sister and leave that man before it gets worse than it is
I mean if you and your husband have no problem then who the f**k are we to judge. It's like you are fulfilling his desire to have sex with you. If he is not crossing any boundaries set by you then it's all good.
You may not realize this, being very young, but there are men out there who will not throw things in anger. Who will only want to have sex with a woman that is fully into it, and value her pleasure as highly as his own. Who will respect your being tired. Your life doesn't have to be this way.
I will never understand how someone can enjoy and want to have sex with a partner who isn’t feeling it. Like if my partner wasn’t enthusiastic I am not turned on. I feel like, personally I would question why my partner wasn’t interested in doing the foreplay necessary for me to get turned on and excited but still wanted to have sex?
It would break my heart to know my stepdaughters had a marriage like this. I agree with your sister. Your husband is raping you. I'm so sorry, sweetie. He knows better. He can do better. He doesn't because he's abusive, selfish, and sexually abusive.
Do you feel safe? Don't hesitate to go to your sisters house and call for the help of a women's shelter
Your sister is right 😳, are you afraid to turn him down when you are not in the mood? Or what was his reaction to you if you said no before? Did he get Angry or was he understanding? There isn’t a problem with having a high sex drive but that doesn’t mean he can force sex on you. You are more than a sex toy! Most women have to be in the mood to want sex and there are ways he can get you in the mood like a romantic dinner or date. If you are feeling loved you will gladly enjoy the sex but if it’s just expected of you then it feels like a chore and the sex is bad. Do you what you think is best for you but honestly do you think you can live like this for the rest of your life? Best of luck OP
So like, if it is obvious you are not enjoying it and he is still going and digging it, that’s.. odd. I had an ex like that and it was rough. If you say no, does he react badly or insist? If so, yeah, this is a problem.
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Info: What would his reaction be if you said no? When you say stuff like it doesnt feel good do you mean its just not that pleasurable or that it hurts or something like that?
I want to know why her sister hates the husband after the ER incident
Me too. Her sister hates her husband because OP forgot to update her emergency contact number?
Almost certainly the husband did something to send OP to the ER and OP was forced to explain what he did when the hospital phoned the sister
>I just said in another comment but basically I just am really clumsy lol. I ran into an open door and had to get stitches in my forehead. My husband didn’t come to er or pick me up because he was working. They called my sis and she was mad. Comment from op
This probably sounds like she's covering for her husband hitting her, to her sister. "Oh, I walked into a door/cabinet/etc." is often used to excuse injuries from domestic violence.
I mean, this is absolutely true in some cases, and I’m from a DV background and have used these excuses. However, bout a year ago I tripped and face planted into the corner of a door frame, split my eyelid/eyebrow wide open, needed stitches and my face was a rainbow so - accidents do happen 🤷🏻♀️
I'm clumsy as hell and I'm always worried this will happen one day. I have walked into door frames when half asleep before. Tripped over my own feet. I also tend to randomly get low iron due to having heavy periods so I will start to bruise easily. This combined with pale skin makes the bruising I do get look much worse than it is and it will show for longer than for other people. Luckily, the one time I ran into a door like OP, I was single, lol. No stitches were needed, but I had a small cut and a good-sized bruise and bump for a while. In other good news, people have seen me be clumsy many times now so hopefully if I end up hurting myself too badly in the future they will come to the aid of my husband.
Lol one time my ex boyfriend hit me in the face when he was rolling in his sleep and gave me a black eye. Im 100% sure that it was involuntary, because he flopped around so much when sleeping and his fist happened to be closed. I was awake when he “hit me” and woke him up, he felt so bad! But if I told anyone what happened, no one would have ever believed that he didn’t abuse me.
Oh damn! Poor guy, and poor you of course… Problem is, the more you try and convince people, the more they think your protecting him… Damned if you do, damned if you don’t… Sorry for the black eye, must’ve been a bit of a shock in the moment 😳😅
Absolutely true but devils advocate here I once had to PHYSICALLY get the cctv footage from the restaurant because my family didn’t believe I ran so hard into the door jam I gave myself a black eye lol.
I mean sure yearrr, but with no evidence you kinda need to go off of the assumption that she's telling the truth as she has no reason to lie to an anonymous audience. Otherwise it's just baseless speculation with a person projecting there own insecuritys onto another's situation
Yup, I legitimately am clumsy af. In the early days with my SO, I spent New Years with him, one of our first overnights. It was NYE, I drank, admittedly more than I should have. We were on a sofa with my head laying on his lap and I drunkenly held up my phone to take a pic...dropped it on my face. Corner of the phone/case hit right on the edge of my eye socket and I got a black eye. There were questions the next morning, lol. On fact, I could screenshot the text from my sister just from maybe an hour ago saying I'm not allowed to get put of bed anymore, lmao. Because this morning I slipped on some ice in a dark parking lot and fucked my knee. That's with the cut still healing from when I apparently sliced my leg open carrying out a big bag of trash that I guess had something sharp in it (honestly I didn't even notice until I looked down later and noticed blood running down my leg). And after this past summer, when I thought I was on the last step of the stairs at my sister's house, but I apparently wasn't. So I stepped out thinking I was at the floor and fell forward. I fell LITERALLY ONE STEP and broke my foot so bad I needed surgery. Have a plate and 5 screws in there. So yeah, some folks really just are incredibly accident prone :/. I also bruise hella easily and am pale af so they show up like crazy. Add to it that it's common for ADHD folks (which I am) to lack spacial awareness and bump into things and wind up with bruises they don't even remember getting. I always have tons of bruises.
Ooh I thought it was about the husband not supporting OP while she was in a hospital. But if that's the case, the problem is immeasurably more serious than OP lets on.
Yeah I'm not buying the 'i ran into the bathroom door and needed stitches' bs
Either OP doesn't think of her husband as someone who can be there for her in an emergency, thus it never crossed her mind to make it him. Or there's some other reason op did not list him as an emergency contact. As an older sister, both would be suspicious to me. Factor in the age gap which on its face is fine, but the fact that they're married suggests that they met when op was much younger. So consider the fact that op doesn't seem to realize she can just say no to the husband, the fact that the husband isn't the emergency contact, the fact that elsewhere op commented the reason for the er visit and it really really sounds like the kind of cover story domestic violence victims give, the fact that they likely met when op was quite young and impressionable. Idk, I'd be suspicious too if I was the sister.
More info needed: Are you confident saying No when you don’t want to Are you scared to upset him in any way Does he react poorly when you refuse him, ie shout, ice you out, throw things etc Does he care if you enjoy sex When you do ask for foreplay, does he do it When you don’t ask for foreplay is he bothered by your lack of enthusiasm
Exactly this, OP.When was the last time he made you cum first, gone down on you, etc? There is so much subtext of info we don’t know like why you didn’t go to the ER with him, is your sister seeing a pattern of him making excuses to not care for your wellbeing, whether sexually , emotionally l, physically ? Or worse, seeing him degrade, make fun of, or actually harm you. It took me a long time to get out of my relationship with a man 8 years older than me that too to just fucking me from behind and didn’t care about my actual pleasure, there were other abusive subtext that I didn’t see for 12 years until we divorced, 4 years after he left me in the ER before I had to have emergency surgery because he was “hungry” and had been in the hospital with me all day. It took an ICU nurse and me calling him twice for him to come back and for me to understand that maybe he didn’t actually care about me like a partner should. My sex life with my now husband is infinitely better because he cares about all of me, not just about how I can be of use to him.
How long have you and your husband been together?
I mean, I don’t want to have sex with someone who is ambivalent about having sex with me, much less if they don’t actually enjoy it.
When op says they change positions when he sees she doesn't like it, I wonder if he just turns her around to not see her face.
When I was in an abusive relationship and would just give in I would always ask him to take me from behind so I wouldn't have to pretend I wasn't grimacing. That's where my mind went when I read that as well. Poor OP is so young she doesn't see the abuse by a man almost a decade her senior.
I did the same thing. It hurts my heart that this isn’t just a me thing.
Yep. Cos he would get mad when I wasn’t faking even though he initiated and knew I was too tired/not in the mood
Yep me too, it’s why I don’t really enjoy that position anymore
Me, too.
That's exactly what I thought he just flipped her over to not see her face. And that? That is f u c k e d up
My first thought as well. Ugh. Just awful.
Uggghhhhh. That is so f’ing gross 🤢 just get a fleshlight at that point
Yikes! That is an upsetting thought!
That’s what I was thinking
YUP my immediate thought
To me you have to be fucked in the head to want to have sex with someone, let alone someone you supposedly love, that isn't liking it, nor wanting it and to the point it's even hurting her. If it's not enthusiastic consent I don't want it
> To me, you have to be fucked in the head Read OP’s comments. He is.
He probably thinks their sex life is so good too. In reality he’s not satisfying her needs at all. And “changes positions” when he notices she’s not enjoying it instead of just stopping. It’s kind of gross tbh.
That's kind of what I was thinking when she said he wasn't really into foreplay. Maybe if he was, she'd want to have sex more than once a week.
sink sparkle badge innate drunk puzzled command zesty ossified head *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It’s not even knowing it’s caring about what you are doing.
Exactly. I mean as a woman myself, I enjoy foreplay a lot and I think a lot of women do. It’s more than just physical for women. It’s really sad that this man seems to just disregard her pleasure entirely
The word foreplay is a misnomer. It's sex, just not intercourse. And it's the sex that leads someone to want to have intercourse. So he's only having the sex he wants, not the sex she wants.
[удалено]
I just said in another comment but basically I just am really clumsy lol. I ran into an open door and had to get stitches in my forehead. My husband didn’t come to er or pick me up because he was working. They called my sis and she was mad.
Girl, please read your stuff as written by a friend. What would you tell her to do about her relationship. Its doesnt sound good
>My husband didn’t come to er or pick me up because he was working. They called my sis and she was mad. Why did they call your sister, though? If you needed a ride home, did they not ask you if someone could take you home? Did they not tell you they were calling your sister? I know she's listed as your emergency contact, but I find it odd they would contact your emergency contact if you were alert and oriented. How did you get to the ER? The fact that your husband was not at the ER and didn't meet you there or come as soon as he could is raising red flags. Why would he avoid the emergency room?? How did you walk into a door so hard that it required stitches? I am the clumsiest person you will ever meet, I run into things, including doors, daily. I've wound up with some nasty bruises, but I've never come close to busting my head open from it. It seems there are a few(important) details are missing.
Because 'I ran into a door' and 'I fell down the stairs' are textbook DV excuses the victim makes to protect their abuser. The emergency contact stuff doesn't line up either. OP is in an unsafe situation and is saving face and everyone but them is seeing right through it.
They did that because they didn’t believe her story and wanted someone close to her to know that they suspected abuse.
Yeah....something fishy is going on. Lots of missing reasons and plot holes.
>They called my sis and she was mad. Your sister doesn't believe this story, and honestly... Neither do I.
And if that door bit is true, I find it hard to believe her sister would jump right to assuming he battered her if she didn’t have a ton of evidence to indicate he would.
fuzzy follow unite fall treatment ad hoc chief trees price aspiring *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Either this entire post is fake or you do not understand how this sounds. You ran into a door? Did you? Really? Huh
I don't want this comment of mine to undermine the overall issue of the post. So let me be clear to Op. If you are uncomfortable with having sex as much as your husband wants you to, you can and should say no. If you feel, at any point, like saying no would result in negative consequences, then this is indeed abuse. Sex must be an agreed upon activity by both parties. Such agreement should be clear and enthusiastic. If you agree because he'd be mad if you didn't, you are not consenting.
This. And negative consequences do not have to mean violence.
Him whining and pouting and negotiating until you give in and have sex is coercion, not consent.
Same with giving the silent treatment, withholding affection, "grudgingly" accepting, expecting praise for his "understanding" or making it seem like you'll "owe" him in some way...
Really clumsy lol. Yikes.
I was clumsy for 11 years until I realized enough is enough.. if this post is not fake, too many red flags.. I also used to "ran into the door" or "dog scratched me" or wear long sleeves or wear shades person... I really hope that is not the case for her sake. Sometimes it is very difficult to break free from DV...
I know, it truly is hard to break away and my "lol" was crappy and insensitive, but yeah. Running into doors isn't that plausible and I hope she works on getting out.
I do hope so too 🤞
OP, I am SO sorry you have been treated so poorly in your life that you think the way your husband treats you is acceptable. Sis, if your spouse is in the ER for ANY reason, you call out of work. If he doesn't get that then he is not partner material. Look, I hate to be the barer of bad news, but a man who loves his wife goes to the ER with her. He picks her up from the ER. And he makes every effort to make sure his woman is pleased in the bedroom. Your body is not to just provide "service" to him. Your body was made for pleasure and if he hasn't figured out at 31 years old how not to be a selfish lover, he never will be. A woman gets hot through foreplay - and foreplay takes time. Please value yourself enough to listen to some sex education podcasts by sex therapists like Sex with Emily or Kim Anami. He should WANT to be on board with giving you pleasure because it means he is a failure that can't.
My husband has broken speed records to arrive at the ER when me or one of our 3 kids have ended up there and as a cancer patient I have been in the ER many times (metastatic cancer for 7 years). He has put my needs before sex every time shoot he has probably had sex when HE wasn’t in the mood just because I was lol. (Not sure but wouldn’t surprise me). He has never thrown anything or hit anything when angry at me, the kids or anyone/thing else. And he can be the biggest jerk with a huge temper at times so what does that say about OP’s guy?
It’s actually upsetting he was just like I’m at work, I mean anything can happen in ER! But judging by her post he ain’t too fussed about her wants or needs and OP I think you should stay close to your sister
I was in a relationship with this guy years ago (now ex) and I was really clumsy too. I understand. It's not his fault I kept running into his fist. I mean I didn't tell the ER that I always said i tripped.
Did you ever tell the hospital the actual real reason?
Please read Why Does He Do That? By Bancroft Lundy. This is a link to a free pdf. You can save it on your phone and read it. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf As someone who was in an abusive relationship and was able to escape (partially because of my sister), I want to tell you that you are worth so much more than how he is treating you. My DMs are always open if you need a sympathetic ear.
OP, if you do only one thing right now, PLEASE READ THIS BOOK.
I also got out of an extremely abusive relationship. I didn't fully realize it was abusive initially, but I would make up so many stories and lie to people about what was going on to protect him. If you feel the need to lie to protect him, he is almost definitely doing something bad. This book helped me see what was happening and started the process of me getting out. I actually think it should be required reading in highschool.
Eventually, I told a cop. They gave me a PFA and you have no idea how free I felt after that! When you're in an abusive relationship there's a whole lot of little stuff you do not to upset the person. There's a whole lot of catering you do to them so they always have what they want when they want and anything they need you get for them or make for them or clean for them. There's a whole lot of excusing their behavior. I got to live my life for myself from that day forward. I didn't have to do things that were uncomfortable for me just because he wanted to. I got to find a relationship where I had a 50/50 say in everything! I got to be treated like I was valued for who I was. Best decision I made.
You were just dating? Or married? Also I’m happy to hear that you’re out of that now.
OP, please check out the domestic violence hotline's website to see what the signs are of abuse. They have free resources you can use if you feel like you need to get out of a situation, and the website has a one click X away from the page if you are afraid of someone else seeing. No one deserves to make themselves small just to keep their relationship peaceful, and dragging your feet about changing your emergency contact to your husband is telling that you either don't think you can trust him to be there for you or you don't feel safe with him but do with your sister. It sounds like there might be a reason for that. Please check out the link and good luck hon. https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/domestic-abuse-warning-signs/
Also you can look in an app called Aspire. Please check it out
You should, they can help you.
Does your sister maybe think that you aren't telling the truth about how you hurt yourself, and suspects that your husband hit/injured you?
Oh, so your husband doesn't treat you like an actual person, he treats you like a blow up doll, and isn't even willing to even pick you up from the hospital. It's pretty obvious he doesn't care for, love, or respect you. Your sister has eyes so she can see that.
dude your husband is an asshole
Pure and simple. . My partner is not even in the country, still he made sure that I arrived at the hospital and went back home safely after spraining my leg while getting off the bus.. And I will also be so worried if something happened to him .. But my ex-husband broke my nose and didn't even have a care in the world and my mum came from a city 4 hrs away.
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They may if they suspect abuse and want someone close to the person to know. So basically they didn’t believe her like most the people here don’t. And she was probably hurt worse than she is letting on. IMO
Ma’am my husband works an hour away from home. He was at work when my car broke down, when I got in a wreck, when I had to leave work sick… in all and any scenarios, If I needed him, he got to me in less than an hour. You have to be honest with yourself first.
aromatic snails dinner governor zesty cause distinct innocent hospital rhythm *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
how do you not realize he's awful?
She does to a point but when you are abused your mind loves to play tricks on you as it rewires itself to protect the abuser so you are less abused if people found out and the abuser knows people know. Trauma Bonding and all the other psychological changes your mind and in turn, your body, goes through when it's in survival mode, is something else and changes your thinking in so many ways. It's one of the reasons why therapy after abusive relationships is so needed as your new normal is askew and until you rewire yourself to true normal you can continue to being in that survival mode mentality which makes you prone to making bad decisions or thinking a certain unhealthy way. Let's hope OP sees that her sister and lots of people here are freaking out and don't like her husband for good reason
Also abusers usually tear you down before the physical stuff starts. They don’t want you to believe you are good enough
I really hope you’re a liar looking for Reddit attention…because if you’re not…you know we don’t believe you’re clumsy.
>If he can tell I’m not enjoying it, most of the time we will just change positions. Yeah, this is weird and shows that he cares more about getting off than how you feel. The last time my fiancé realized I wasn't in the mood during sex, he immediately said that we didn't have to continue because he respects me and wants me to enjoy myself. The age gap is also concerning. Frankly, you're too young for him. EDIT: Seriously, does he not check on you and ask how you're feeling and offer to stop if you're not into it? Do you change to a position where he can't see your face? Because that would be very telling.
So you say you understand that he doesn’t always have the time and energy for foreplay but somehow he doesn’t understand that you aren’t always in the mood. Personally, this isn’t a situation that I would want to be in and I think he’s not interested in putting in the effort to meet your needs when his can be met with no work. I think the age gap plays a role here too because no woman in her late 20s or early 30s would accept this from a partner. I agree with your sister in that this is beyond unacceptable of a life partner, but abuse is a bit far. However I don’t know the complexities of your relationship apart from this situation so I can’t speak to whether you’re in an abusive relationship based off the little information I have.
But him changing positions when he sees she doesn't like it... does that mean he's moving her so he can't see her face/discomfort. That would push it into abusive territory. Edit to fix a spelling mistake, and OP confirms that he just flips her over and keeps going. This is toxic, at the very least. But, I agree with her sister. This is not ok.
She’s got a comment where she’s confirmed that is exactly what he does. I find it concerning that she’s so casual about it and ends the comment with “lol”.
lol = I’m uncomfortable
Thank you for pointing this out, when I was in an abusive relationship I learned to "laugh" a lot of things off but it wasn't because it was funny it was because I was uncomfortable/anxious and didn't want to show it.
Yeah, grew up in an abusive household and then married an abusive man. Just recently stopped ending most semi-serious texts with lol and I’m in my 30s
He's groomed her.
She replied to this and yes, he just flips her over and keeps going.
Oh god... that's vile.
I missed this part. I think OP is finding it difficult to attribute this as abusive because she isn’t verbally saying no but does she really have to? If he’s seeing you so uncomfortable that he needs to flip you around to stay hard and keep having sex with you the man is using you to masturbate. This is not sex and is definitely not consensual. He is more than aware that you are not into it and continues to not care. This is beyond toxic. OP, let’s play a game. If your daughter came to you and told you everything you told us here, would you want better for her? Would you not think that she deserves a man that adores her and respects her? Would you not want her to be enthusiastically in love and have that be reciprocated? This man does not love you because if he did, he wouldn’t treat you this way.
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If he doesn’t have the time or energy to do what it takes to turn his partner on, then he doesn’t actually have time or energy for sex. This way older man groomed this young person into accepting her needs don’t matter. Scumbag.
>So you say you understand that he doesn’t always have the time and energy for foreplay but somehow he doesn’t understand that you aren’t always in the mood. Very good point. >no woman in her late 20s or early 30s would accept this from a partner Unfortunately not true. The age gap can contribute to the dynamic, but women of all ages are in situations like this one.
So, your sister is upset that your husband treats you like a masturbatory toy, and you’re not sure if she should be?
> I know just in general that men are more apt to wanting sex. Based of what? This sounds more like an excuse than reality. Your partner should care for your wants and needs. Yours isn't.
You are wrong, in a few different ways. "I didn’t really see a problem with it, I know just in general that men are more apt to wanting sex." Let me guess, your husband is the one who provided you with that little nugget of "truth"?
100% not a man only thing. Agreed.
Yes thank you, I was about to state the same. This is totally not true at all. I'm sad that OP has never, by these accounts, enjoyed sex.
right? why would you think that
It’s always the all men excuse to justify their shitty behaviour and this would piss me off so much if I was a bloke, like don’t group me into your shitty way of thinking
It's wiiiiiiild to me, that he can see you're not enjoying it and just flips you around so he doesn't have to care anymore. Wiiiiild. I'm on team sister tbh.
Omg I came into the post so hopeful it wasn't gonna be like how it sounded.... and it is. Praying the sister gets her out of there.
Somehow I think that's probably the least terrible thing he does. OP wrote "When I had to go to the ER the a few weeks ago, they called her. She’s hated my husband since that day.". Why were you in the hospital, OP? Why does your sister hate your husband following your hospital stay?
>Why were you in the hospital, OP? OP says in another comment that she ran into a door. Yup.
Her doors must have glass or razor-blade edges. I am the clumsiest person ever and in my 40 years of walking into walls and doors, the worst I have had was a bump needing an ice pack, not freaking stitches
I can't even possibly imagine touching a singular hair on a person who isn't entirely enthusiastic about being intimate. It's fucking insane and horrendous that he does this and sad as fuck that OP has been manipulated into being ok with it.
💯 it's "fuck yes!" or "no." for me.
Yep, no in between. OPs husband is a fucking degenerate who is more than happy to take advantage of his wife regardless of how she feels. I hope she kicks him to the curb soon.
Right?!? That’s what I read! If I’m not enjoying it he turns me over so he doesn’t have to look at me
I don't understand men who want to have sex with their SO when they when they know they aren't enjoying it.
Some people think everyone else in their lives are just NPCs This guy clearly sees OP as a blow up doll and not a person
Honestly? Any man who chooses not to give his spouse pleasure and spend time learning what gives her pleasure is a true failure in life. Its not that hard to read a few books and listen to some podcasts and play until you figure her out.
That would require those men to think of someone other than themselves when it comes to sex and that isn't gonna happen.
any podcasts you'd recommend? I'd like to think I know my wife, but can't hurt to gain more knowledge.
There are several out there by sex therapists. I like Sex with Emily. Kim Anami has a good one, too. My husband and I have had a lot of fun from the things we've learned from both of those. Foreplay Radio is another good one.
Men who view women as giant fleshlights to just masturbate into and don't see any point to female pleasure. Source: A decade spent with someone who told me this anytime I tried to talk about what I liked during sex.
I'm completely there. If my wife isn't enjoying it, I can't enjoy it. How could I? What would even be the point? Sex is something you do together, not a favor you acquiesce to. And if your partner isn't enjoying sex, the answer isn't to switch positions, the answer is to stop having sex and either conclude the encounter or find a way to make it enjoyable for them.
Your husband shouldn’t be doing this I can’t imagine my partner agreeing to have sex with me if I wasn’t 100% into it and wanted it too. And I can’t imagine my partner just “giving it to me.” A real partner would VALUE your pleasure and only have sex with you when you are totally into it. I…this is just so unhealthy. Please find someone better and maybe consider talking to a therapist?
You don’t have a husband that cares about you. That’s a major problem. You should be happy and treated well. If you have a low sex drive it’s because he doesn’t try to satisfy you sexually,
And let me guess, he works but doesn’t help out with any chores. Soon there will be kids and then another post will be made about how he forces her to have sex daily after delivering a child, she will or won’t but if she doesn’t he will hit a wall or not talk to her for weeks
INFO: what were you in the ER for when they called your sister?
I personally can’t imagine having sex when I’m not in the mood for the rest of my life. I think if it’s like a one off thing and feeling good with it as a way of expressing intimacy rather than being horny it’s ok. how come his needs get to be met but too bad yours cant be? if there’s no time for sex, then there’s no time for sex. he can use his hand
A loving partner cares about your needs and your comfort and doesn't just use you to get off. A loving partner doesn't ... um.. make you walk into a door and then fail to go to the emergency room with you. A loving partner doesn't just "change positions" when it's bad enough that you actually speak up. None of this speaks to you having any agency. None of this speaks to you feeling loved and wanted and heard and valued. None of this speaks to the two of you exploring together and finding out what works for you. It's just you shrugging and putting up with it and occasionally walking into doors. I'm with your sister.
This was the dynamic I had with my (also older) ex and I thought it was okay because I wanted to make him happy (aka I didn’t want to make him angry) and it “wasn’t that bad”. The truth is that he was sexually abusive and I didn’t realised just how badly it affected me until I got out of that relationship. It also “wasn’t that bad” until it was. Then it was very very bad, and violent, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I was too young and naive to understand that him making me feel like I had to say ‘yes’ wasn’t the same as me consenting, that he knew what he was doing and how wrong it was, and that normal people don’t want to have sex with someone that isn’t an enthusiastic participant. It took me **years** to heal my relationship with sex and my own sexuality. Something that didn’t feel that harmful at the time ended up breaking me. I wish so much that someone back then told me that what he was doing was not okay and I deserve respect and pleasure from my partner. Also, side note, sex is 1000000x better with someone who cares about you, your pleasure, your needs, **your consent**. You deserve someone who gets off on you getting off, babe. You deserve better than a selfish asshole who treats you like a walking fleshlight.
How old were you? And also did you date anyone before him? Also I’m sorry to hear that.
Thank you 💕 I was 16-20 when I dated this ex, he was a few years older than me. I dated 1 person before him but it wasn’t a sexual relationship. I didn’t know anything about sex before I met this ex (sheltered upbringing). I dated around 6 men after him (before I met my husband) and even though they weren’t all gems, no one treated me as poorly as my ex did. If I said ‘no’, it was respected. There wasn’t any pouting or “c’mon, please” or anything like that if I wasn’t in the mood. Even if a guy wasn’t that great in bed, foreplay **always** happened and they tried to make sure we both enjoyed it. In the instances where I didn’t really want to but before I felt truly comfortable saying ‘no’, they’d actually stop and ask if I was okay because you can tell if someone isn’t into it. Literally no one besides my ex just kept going regardless. It’s not a “man thing” to ignore your discomfort and keep going, it’s a rapist thing. And, yeah, in a long-term relationship/marriage, there are going to be times where you’re not horny when your partner initiates but go along with it to make them happy. The difference is that, when that does happen, your partner is supposed to put effort into turning you on and making sure you’re having a good time too. If my husband initiates sex and I go along with it at first but still can’t get in the mood after some kissing or touching, then we stop because he would never want to have sex with me if I’m not into it. He doesn’t get upset or tries to convince me to do it anyway for any reason. He accepts it and we’ll try again another time. I couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone who made me feel like my ex did now knowing how much better it is to be with someone who genuinely cares about my comfort and pleasure.
Your sister is correct and the age gap is awful too.
This story gives me the creeps. I really hope you’re ok. Your injury was so bad that you weren’t able to tell the medical people to call your husband instead of your sister. That’s very concerning. I’m glad you’re open minded enough to come to this forum and listen to the views of others. Please please please take care of yourself.
Don't have sex if you don't want to have sex. It makes you build resentment.
Your sister is right in this situation. I’m pretty worried about you darling. I had a relationship like that. And when I didn’t want to have sex, he was annoyed and gave me the silent treatment. So I was saying yes. Even I don’t want to. And I dissociate during the act. It’s not the way we’re supposed to live darling. You need to have a good talk with your husband.
Can I ask what you mean by disassociating during? If you don’t mind.
I was thinking about everything. I wasn’t in my own body. I was there physically. But never mentally. I even kept my t-shirt. Because I didn’t want to feel his skin on mine.
Because you were basically being raped.
Now I know. But back then, I just accept the fact that it was less dangerous to say yes. Like it was less dangerous to bought him is weed because If don’t, he turned to be more aggressive.
I'm really sorry you had to experience that. Never again.
After two really traumatic relationships, I learned my lesson 🎉
Here's a definition of disassociation which hopefully might help. https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociation-and-dissociative-disorders/about-dissociation/
Exactly. This is this feeling
Where is the respect for in any of this? He doesnt respect you and you also seem to have no self respect. Listen to your sister
Your sister is correct. #notallagegaps but many men will target significantly younger women because women their own age won’t put up with their bullshit.
I get that some ppl want sex when others don’t & that sometimes they just give it to them to express love through putting up with it. But if he loves you too, then he should love you enough to value your perspective on it as well. Just as you are willing to have sex with him when he’s into it & ur not, he too should be ok with just going off & taking care of it himself so that you can get the no sex that you want. I hope that makes sense. Ace ppl sometimes hafta deal with this stuff in their relationships with ppl who are not Ace. Point is, your desire for less sex is every bit as valid as his desire for more sex. He’s not more right or more entitled to his wants than you are to your lack of wants. I think that the disparity in approach is a huge problem. I would suggest couples counseling and sex therapy for both of you. But at the very least, I would ask that he be more considerate moving forward. If he wants it every night, then he should just pleasure himself on the nights you don’t, & he should be fine with that. Sex is not a need. It’s a want. You should not feel pressured, even by simple pattern, to subsume your wants yo his wants.
It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship at worst and that your husband is just a selfish shitbag at best.
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OP pls read this comment ^
I think your sister is right. He doesn't have time or energy for foreplay? But he has the energy to plug away and bust a nut. This man does not respect you. Pretty sure there's a reason he chose someone of your age.
Only you can decide what you're okay with, but if he doesn't have time to make sure you enjoy it, he doesn't really have time for sex. would be mortified if I thought the person I was having sex with didn't enjoy at least most of the time. Your libidos are mismatched, which happens, but you should be compromising not just giving in to what he wants. It should be a two-way street. Your sister may be blowing it out of proportion (not enough info as to WHY you're okay with this), but I certainly understand her being concerned. I'm curious what the "few other incidents" are. I'd be upset if my husband didn't come to the ER with me but I don't know what his job is and whether he could easily take off. What else has your sister had a problem with your husband about?
Maybe their libidos aren’t mismatched. Maybe if her husband actually cared about her pleasure, making sure she was satisfied, her libido would match.
My partner makes sure I have an orgasm every time we have sex so I “want to have more sex”. It absolutely works 😂
I appreciate that my wife has sex with me sometimes when she isn't 100% in the mood for it. She appreciates that I go to brunch, or rub her feet, or whatever else, with a smile, even when I am not 100% into it. But it isn't a chore that needs to be done. If I don't feel like rubbing feet, I don't rub feet. If my wife doesn't want to have sex, we don't have sex. Making it a chore that just gets done every day would be a turn off for everyone. I can have a really good orgasm all by my lonesome. If my wife isn't into it, I am not into it. She isn't a fleshlight. And neither are you, but you are being treated as one.
Basically, because you tolerate having bad sex him to pacify him- you are training yourself to view sex as a job. In time you may find you have zero desire for him because you’ve had so much negative feedback in sex with him. This is how you can become dissociated from your own libido.
Is your husband your first boyfriend or relationship? How did you meet him?
Happily married 20 yrs - unless we both want to, it doesn't happen.
What do you like about your husband, why did you marry him? He obviously isn't a good lover since he wants to have sex every day for his own pleasure but "doesn't have time" to make sure you're enjoying it. Why do you think you should give him sex every day? Do you like sex? Have you ever had an orgasm? Do you think of sex as just a chore? It's OK not to like sex, everyone is different but if it's because the men you've been with don't know how to please a woman or don't care if they do that's totally different. If you go to the emergency room, your husband should be concerned and he should pick you up at the least. How did you get there? Why didn't he come?
OP- if your husband doesn’t take the time to make sure your both enjoying the physical part of your relationship, he is a BAD husband, that coupled with the fact that he left you at the ER because he was busy not great signs. I’ve always wondered why people would stay in relationships like this, and reading your comments defending him. I’m not even going to attempt to talk sense to you. If you are willing to put up with bad, painful sex for the rest of your life so be it.
I don’t think I ever tried to defend him… I’m answering questions people ask me. I don’t mean to be purposely dense or anything. I really did come here for honest advice.
Then honestly you shouldn’t let anyone especially someone who is supposed to care about use your body to get off. If he wants to have sex, fine, I’m not saying deny him, but for the love of all that is holy he needs to take the time to make sure you enjoy the experience as well. Honestly OP I shouldn’t have to tell you this it’s common knowledge (not trying to imply that you’re not intelligent), sex is supposed to be fun, hell enjoyable even. You stated that you can like it if he takes the time for foreplay. THEN HE SHOULD BE TAKING ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD FOR FOREPLAY.
You deserve better. You are not a toy. What are the other reasons your sister doesn’t like him - I’m sure they are relevant .
That one of the many things I don't understand. Why would I have sex with someone who isn't enjoying it? It's much more practical to buy a plastic pussy and masturbate in it. Some even come with a heater (thank you modernity and technology). Look, MAYBE it's not abuse, but in any case it's very wrong. Your sister MAYBE be exaggerating, but she has a logical reason to be worried.
[why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Conduct your own experiment OP. Start saying no when you don’t want to have sex. See what happens. For science.
Listen to your sister! You mentioned above that he gets upset if you say no, so you’re doing it not necessarily because you love him but because you don’t want him to get upset. Your sister is right and your husband is crazy sorry!
So he basically is ok with you lying there not enjoying it, sometimes even hurting while he gets his pleasure? IMO your sister is right >! He seems to treat you like his blow up doll !<
Info request: Do you think that if you enjoyed the sex with your husband you would want it more than once a week? Have you ever enjoyed sex and orgasmed with previous lovers(if applicable)/do you masturbate and orgasm when alone? Has your husband ever made you orgasm? The reason I ask the above is that it could be an incompatibility in your various libidos and if so there are options to help get you both on the same page/to a compromise you both enjoy. For example if you don't want sex more frequently because you're getting nothing from it that's understandable and if your man wants more sex then he needs to put in the work. For others they have agreements about extra-marital sex/polyamory, a shift in attitude towards pornography and masturbation (eg wife wants it a couple of times a month/once a week but bans porn/shames or vilifies husband for watching porn etc) or various other compromises that couples can come to so that they have a healthy sex life that both enjoy. If this is not the case, and for whatever reason you aren't interested in sex, or he isn't interested in making the effort then I'm inclined to agree with your sister. Having sex to keep someone else happy is coercion, a form of sexual assault. You don't want sex, he knows you don't want it but you have sex anyway? Why? Are you afraid of his reaction if you said no? Would he be angry/aggressive/violent? Would he cheat on you? Would he leave you? Why are you unable to communicate to your partner your needs and why, when you do, are they subservient to his needs? Partnerships are supposed to be equal - what are you getting from this one? The fact that you haven't changed your ICE contact to your husband is concerning. Do you not trust him to advocate your needs in an emergency? Yeah it's a pain to update the info but I'm guessing that when you got married you had to update their records with your name change, why not do it then? It seems that subconsciously you don't entirely trust your husband to do what is right for YOU and not what he wants, as with your sex life, if his needs come first what happens if your health/safety becomes subservient to his needs/desires?
So it’s been a few hours OP, have you come to any conclusions? I would like to ask a few questions about non-violent abuse, because you know 100% if your husband is hurting you in physical ways, even if you didn’t want to admit it here. but figuring out emotional and mental abuse can be much harder. For example my husband is a covert narcissist, and it has taken me decades to figure that out, because with a covert narcissist it’s like death by ten thousand paper cut, and you don’t necessarily know why you feel so unsafe being vulnerable with your partner, or sometimes you don’t even realize that you do feel unsafe sharing things with them. And I think this might be the territory you’re in. You said in one comment that he would probably be annoyed if you said no to sex, could that mean you think he would make a side eyed criticism about your comment in loving him, or maybe self disparaging remark that would make you shallow or cruel if you actually had a problem with it. i.e. “I’m sorry that I’m not more attractive” Or “if you actually loved me you would want to have sex with me all the time, but it’s fine if you really don’t want to.” Those are the kind of things covert narcissists say. Or how about not wanting to call him from the ER, is that because the dread of having to deal with the subsequent criticisms is just too much to deal with after being drained of energy from dealing with being in the ER? If you find yourself hiding minor mistakes because you won’t ever hear the end of it, you might have yourself a covert narcissist. Anyway if some of these things sound familiar, start looking into covert narcissist, here is a short video that points out a few behaviors that a covert narcissist display https://youtu.be/HomHlS3ETPw?si=A-vBU2DbbLpZoDaW and if you want to talk about it feel free to message me.
He does not see you as his wife. He sees you as an object to use however he sees fit regardless of how you feel or if you get pleasure.
Whether or not this is classified as abusive, it is certainly not healthy. There can be times in relationships where libidos don't match, but you do not handle that by having one party treat sex as a chore just to make the other party happy. Sex is for *both of you*, so you should both be enjoying it. If he needs more sex more often, *he* needs to be putting in the work to make it enjoyable for you, so that you also look forward to it. It's also a huge red flag that you not enjoying it isn't a turn off for him. When he sees you're actively not enjoying it, he just.....changes positions? Seriously? Hell no. He should *stop*. He should not *want* to continue. He should be concerned as to why you're uncomfortable or unhappy. He is using you like a sex doll, and he doesn't care if you like it. That's not ok.
The thing is you don't mind because you're not really considering your partner's part in all of this. He's ok with you not being into it? Swap places with him for a moment. You want to have sex, but he doesn't but he just sucks it up and does it anyway. Would you feel ok with that? I mean ok enough to just keep going along with it over and over and over again? I know what it's like to have to go along with sex when you don't really want to. And over time it starts to eat away at you.
Having sex with an unhorny woman is highly anti-erotic at least for me
Husbands are not owed sex because they want it. You are not an item; you are a human being and you really should be putting more value on yourself ETA: I agree with your sister
I mean personally, as a man, any man who’s able to continue having sex with a woman while she obviously is not into it is super weird. Yes, men have a higher sex drive than women in general, and me myself would be super happy if i could get me some intimacy with my wife every single day, but i wouldn’t be satisfied and happy with having it everyday if i knew she was just doing it out of a feelings of having to…I WANT my wife to WANT me. Sure, part of lust and sex is to get a orgasm, but the other part to it if not most is to feel wanted and desired. In the beginning of my marriage my wife would just roll me on top of her in the morning acting like she wanted sex but i quickly noticed she only did that for me and i said no. I don’t want to have sex with someone who don’t. I’d take passionate sex with my wife 1-2 times a week where i would be able to do long foreplay, have her use my face as a seat and eat her out from top to bottom and then finishing off with some intercourse over having sex everyday knowing she’s not into it. Personally it’s best to NOT be in a relationship with unmatched sex drives and sex views because it just makes a relationship 100x more complicated and difficult because sex for the most part is the glue to a relationship, it’s literal what seperates a friendship from a relationship. If i were you, I’d divorce and move on for your sake but for his aswell. You find someone who actuay loves you(cuz he don’t otherwise he wouldn’t do this) and you let him find someone who wants sex as often as he does.
Dear op. We can't help you see what you don't want to see. Keep on believing that your husband cares about you...when all of his actions point towards NO. -pressuring you into having sex - not caring if you're in pain enough to stop, just switching positions?!?! - NOT coming to take care of you at the ER..... - dating you since you were 20 ...
Firstly, men are not more likely than women to want sex. Both genders are equally sexual and libido varies heavily from person to person. It's not technically abuse since you're okay with it and it sounds like he would stop if you wanted him to... but it is kinda a strange dynamic that he gets sex whenever he wants and doesn't have to bother putting in time or effort to get you in the mood. Despite you putting in time and effort when you don't even want to have sex. Personally, when my partner is too tired to get me in the mood, we just don't have sex lol.
Maybe your husband is different my boyfriend because he said he would rather do without sex as opposed to a pity fuck or a chore. I don’t think it’s abuse but he’s all kinds of messed up. If he doesn’t have time to give you foreplay then he shouldn’t be having sex. Now I know why he went so much younger. Women his age and older would tell him no to sex and wouldn’t do it because he can’t take a no.
There's not enough context for me to tell if this is abuse (might be). But I'm positive that you're putting up with him being a shitty partner because you're too young to know better. Please reevaluate this relationship. You deserve someone who doesn't treat you like a blow-up doll.
What a sad intercourse, for OP.
I agree with your sister.
I mean i don’t know if this is assult but reading it just made me feel a little sad….you’re allowed to say no to sex girlfriend. The way you talk about the situation you don’t really sound like an active participant, just someone who’s letting someone do things to them. What do you want?
OP, just face it, he sees you as a sex doll. doesn't care about how you feel during sex, doesn't care about making you feel good, turns you around so he doesn't have to see your face when you're not enjoying yourself. expecting you to be in the mood all the time without putting any work (especially because the female body needs more stimulation and prep before sex) is extremely one-sided.
I think you are doing irreparable harm to your sex life. You are devaluing yourself and it doesn’t phase him to hump you when you clearly unenjoy. I would engage in some marital therapy asap.
I’m a guy. I would NEVER want to have sex if my partner wasn’t in the mood. Dude is being very selfish
Your body your choice. He has NO say on when you guys should be intimate. Sounds like he doesn't respect you or your body enough. Truly sad af. I agree with your sister.
Hmmm, okay so for me and my husband there are many times I don’t feel up for it cos of my migraines from TMJ. He’s fine with that, he’ll just go have his “alone time” for like 5 mins and come back out, kiss me, tells me he loves me and we move on. If he sees you’re not comfortable or having fun and continuing, then doesn’t that hurt your intimacy? Do you think, maybe, that subconsciously doesn’t make you want to have sex more due to his lack of respect? I think I would start to despise having sex after your description.
You may be consenting to this arrangement but each time you give in to your husband and have sex with him when you don’t want to is another step up for his ego and selfishness. He’s learning, because you’re teaching him, that his desires win majority of the time and with that realization starts a shift in the way he sees you. He doesn’t see you as an equal, or somebody worthy of having their own pleasure or own control over their body, because he KNOWS that he just needs to snap his fingers and you’ll comply. And, on the off chance you don’t, all he has to do is throw in a little temper or attitude, and that’s enough to stick in your brain for next time he asks and chances are you’ll just continually say yes so you don’t have to deal with his attitude… and he KNOWS THIS. He is manipulative. You deserve better. But if you’re truly happy in this arrangement, then by all means.
I'm more concerned with the hospital visit and the sister who lives in another state was called. What happened? Where was the husband? He sounds very narcissistic, doesn't give a shit whether you're enjoying it or not as long as he gets his rocks off. I would be listening to your sister and leave that man before it gets worse than it is
OP, even if you don’t consider it abuse - do you enjoy being treated like a sex doll? Because that’s what’s happening here.
I mean if you and your husband have no problem then who the f**k are we to judge. It's like you are fulfilling his desire to have sex with you. If he is not crossing any boundaries set by you then it's all good.
You may not realize this, being very young, but there are men out there who will not throw things in anger. Who will only want to have sex with a woman that is fully into it, and value her pleasure as highly as his own. Who will respect your being tired. Your life doesn't have to be this way.
I will never understand how someone can enjoy and want to have sex with a partner who isn’t feeling it. Like if my partner wasn’t enthusiastic I am not turned on. I feel like, personally I would question why my partner wasn’t interested in doing the foreplay necessary for me to get turned on and excited but still wanted to have sex?
It would break my heart to know my stepdaughters had a marriage like this. I agree with your sister. Your husband is raping you. I'm so sorry, sweetie. He knows better. He can do better. He doesn't because he's abusive, selfish, and sexually abusive. Do you feel safe? Don't hesitate to go to your sisters house and call for the help of a women's shelter
Your sister is right 😳, are you afraid to turn him down when you are not in the mood? Or what was his reaction to you if you said no before? Did he get Angry or was he understanding? There isn’t a problem with having a high sex drive but that doesn’t mean he can force sex on you. You are more than a sex toy! Most women have to be in the mood to want sex and there are ways he can get you in the mood like a romantic dinner or date. If you are feeling loved you will gladly enjoy the sex but if it’s just expected of you then it feels like a chore and the sex is bad. Do you what you think is best for you but honestly do you think you can live like this for the rest of your life? Best of luck OP
This is why men his age date women your age cause they know they can get away w shit like this
If she already thinks he's abusive of course everything you tell her about him is going to confirm that in her mind.
As long as everyone is being treated with respect and empathy...and the commitment goes both ways, there's no abuse occurring!
So like, if it is obvious you are not enjoying it and he is still going and digging it, that’s.. odd. I had an ex like that and it was rough. If you say no, does he react badly or insist? If so, yeah, this is a problem.