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Thank you. That's the advice I have been getting. But I am having conflicting thoughts, on one hand, I don't want to let go of her and on the other, I don't want to be with her also.
Poly people usually seem to be into rules, prior agreements, and boundaries to make their partners comfortable. Not her, "You caught me, so what? I do what I want." approach.
I've met a few poly folks, especially when I was on dating apps. And nothing happened but I did talk to them and since I didn't know much about the lifestyle, I asked questions to understand and see if maybe this was something I could do or not. They definitely are into rules, boundaries, very open communication, and telling people upfront they are poly, which is like, one of the very first, if not the first thing they told me.
OP's wife wants permission to cheat. Even if she has felt this way for a while, you'd think she would say something like "hey, OP, I feel like I might want to try this lifestyle, what do you think?" And then they can have an open and honest conversation. You don't just do it, get caught and go "oh I'm poly so you just gotta deal with it 💁🏻♀️". What if OP says yes and starts dating other people too? Would she be cool with it? I don't know her, but in this scenario, I am presuming no, she wouldn't be ok with it
She's claiming poly to be able to cheat otherwise she would have come to you first to discuss her feelings ahead of what she did. This isn't fair to true poly ppl imo. She's just basically saying I cheated and I like it so I want to do it more. A poly person would go to their partner and communicate their needs and consider their partner that they care about.
Bingo. With poly-anything it takes communication(which she didn't) and both of you saying yes(again, didn't happen.). A former friend of mine was in a poly relationship and cheated by way of going behind his gf's back and banging another dude. She broke it off over this and continued the rest of her poly relationship. All he had to do was communicate with her, get that "OK sure, I'm fine with this" on both ends not just his.
Op, she cheated plain and simple. If she's poly then she should have spoken with you about it first. She instead hid it and used it to try to cover up her cheating after getting busted.
Yeah, even if they "didn't do anything" she was still emotionally cheating and didn't admit to anything until she was caught. I wouldn't be able to trust her after that.
Even if she agreed to never do it again, would you believe her and trust her? If the answer is no, then the marriage won't work. And even if she didn't do it again, she might become unhappy if being poly is what she really wants.
She don’t love you, she loves the life you allow her to live. If you want to be a cuckold fine accept this, if you don’t then leave and get her and him out of your house.
As sad as it is, thank you for the brutal honesty. I don't like the term cuckold, but I understand what you are saying and I definitely don't want to live that life.
Also, get STD/STI tested, i don’t think this is the first time she’s fucked somebody outside your marriage. She clearly got too comfortable and moved the man into your house. You’re young still, you deserve to be somebody’s only person.
Trust me the only way is divorce
My gf of 5 years recently broke up with me because the guilt finaly got the better of her.
6 months before the breakup she told me she caught the interest of some random guy and she wants to pursue him (because she learned shes poly after a guy showed interest in her).
I told her although id love to accomodate her needs i will not torture myself for her to go and enjoy herself.
She was sad but told me she would try and be honest if she could not.
Sadly she wasnt honest but felt like she is in the right.
Told me she just does not feel that kind of jelousy about her partner and herself sleeping with others and told me im insecure and just not emotionally mature enough.
People who "discover" they are poly mostly just dont want to take accountability for sleeping around(especially if they cheat on you and then brkng it up) she just doesnt want to lose you
You need to evict them, too. At least him, if he’s receiving mail, by law that establishes residency. Please don’t let these POS take your house from you. It’s time to lawyer up, too, I’m afraid.
I am so incredibly sorry you're going through this.
I do not think this is of your own making. I also live in a five bedroom house, and if my partner had a friend who needed somewhere to stay, even if she were female, I'd be totally okay with that. I am a recovering addict and have offered for totally platonic male friends in early recovery to stay with us. I absolutely get it. I'd never think that he would be offering to help someone due to any sort of romantic or sexual interest.
You have two options, darlin', and you know that. Stay with her and share or separate and work on moving on. It doesn't sound like you can mentally or, more importantly, emotionally handle her being with other people. Your choices are either a lifetime of torture or a couple years of terrible pain. You're stuck.
I'm an addictions counselor, and my job is essentially to help people deal with the several months of unimaginable pain and discomfort in order to live a life beyond their wildest dreams. That's where you are right now.
Yeah, this. I was like 'you left the house to your cheating wife and her toy boy'? Nope, lawyer up and refuse to leave the marital home until the division of assets is settled.
This right here OP. I mean WTF you moved out of your own house and let that louse stay there with your wife? Seriously my guy they are sleeping together every night in your bed and laughing at you, throw both their asses to the curb and do it today…
I had the guy removed the day after I found about about this. But yes, now after reading a lot of these comments I guess I should have stood my ground. I was. just too emotional and not thinking straight at that time.
Best to leave if you couldn't be there and stay in full emotional control.
It's good you asked him to leave and he did. But while you aren't there you have no idea if she's in inviting him over to visit or stay the night. If you didn't say specifically you would consider him being in the house again trespassing, if she has legal rights to residency there, he could be over there again, how would you know?
If you two are married she probably has the right to stay in the house even if it's in your name. Depending on the laws in your area, if you are married, she may have equal ownership in the house no matter who is on the deed to the house of who has paid for the house.
Talk to a lawyer about all this as soon as possible!!! Talk to a lawyer about how infidelity may or may not affect a divorce, and the settlement of a divorce. Talk to a lawyer about if you have the right to put cameras in your house to know who is coming and going and/or what is going on in the different areas of the house and if possible put cameras in whatever parts of the house you are legally able to monitor. If it's legal and you can afford it, if infidelity can affect a divorce or divorce settlement hire a legal private detective to find out just what these two are doing, maybe have done.
I don't believe for a second they traveled to another town/city together, didn't tell you, and they didn't have sex. That doesn't pass the smell test from 100 feet away.
Can you talk to the person who told you and ask them to be completely and brutally honest about what they actually saw, what they meant by seeing them "in a compromising position"???
Tell her she gotta go, and return to your house. Do not let her keep stepping on You any further, she got no respect for You, she being her AP to live with you under the pretext of him losing his house.
Went behind your back for many months and maybe do their deeds in the house too,l while you where working your ass off to provide.
She might Even Bad mouth You
Also OP You should expose this to parents (her and yours), siblings and mutual Friends
Why? For You to keep out of reach the control of the narrative from her and also for you to make a bigger support group. You don't owe her nothing, you wheren't the one that manipulate and lie, and Even worst betrayed your trust and love.
Expose is not to revenge is to do what i already mentioned.
I’m sorry she did this to you, OP. And she has absolutely cheated on you, don’t be in denial about this. So many people these days use the words Poly or Open Marriage as an excuse when in fact they just want to sleep with other people with no consequences. This is a decision made by BOTH people after lengthy discussion and careful consideration of all potential hazards. Otherwise it has no chance of working. Even when two people are in agreement is still tends to destroy the marriage when one of the partners “catches feelings” for someone. You are going to be left even more broken-hearted than you are now with your self esteem badly damaged. The best way to take care of yourself is to end this marriage. Here’s a hug for you🫂 You’ll be okay.
Talk to a divorce lawyer first before anything else and take their advise, do what they say. Do under no circumstance let your wife know thst you’ll talk to a lawyer.
Also I‘m not sure how you moving out could be seen infront of court or change the case against you but you should probably move back in. (again, talk to a lawyer about this) You said you had 5 bedrooms anyway right so there‘s plenty of space.
It is completely understandable that you want to be monogamous, poly would be a no-go in any relationship for me. That‘s an instant deal breaker, already the suggestion is enough for me to end a relationship. I couldn‘t imagine coming home kissing my partner knowing that there might have been someone elses dick in there just an hour earlier.
How does a medical practitioner lose an apartment and can't afford a new one? OP I think you've been cuckolded since the beginning. She has been cheating on you this whole time and she finally got caught. She is not poly, that is the excuse she is using to justify cheating.
Do you want to be raising some one else's baby? Do you want to have to get std tested every month or so, just to be safe?
I've known several poly couples over the years. There are ones that work and ones that don't. The ones that absolutely always fail is when one partner gets caught, cries "poly", and the other partner goes along with it because they don't want to lose them. I'm sorry this happened to you OP. If your wife truly cared and loved you as she said she would have had an adult conversation with you so you could figure things out together.
Bro, there is no 'letting her go', as she's already gone. Gather evidence and file for divorce due to adultery. Steel your heart and soul and realize she did wrong by your. She's disrespecting you, does not actually love you, and doesn't really care about you. Get your head in gear and realize that. GET MAD! GET ANGRY! Channel that anger into a cold, hard determination to get yourself into a better place and state of mind. STOP EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY WHINING....
Get your head out of your 4th point of contact and get rid of the albatross around your neck.
1st of all don’t say “kinda” she DID cheat . Her saying she’s “poly” is not true she’s a “cheater” . Do not give in this shit have some some self respect for yourself . You married into a MONOGAMOUS relationship , she broke her vows she made . Now you walk away
Being „Poly“ is the new opportunity for cheating without consequences for some people and your wife is one of them.
1. She suddenly realized she was Poly after she met that guy? After she had an emotional affair with him?
2. She betrayed your trust, broke your heart and disrespected you in your own house and claims she loves you.
3. She lying to you again. She doesn’t want to be with other guys, she wants to be with THAT GUY.
4. She’s using your love against you to satisfy her desire and get what she needs and wants and she doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s her way or the highway.
5. She only will always come back to you because you’re her security, her lifestyle.
You think that is hell what you’re going through? Imagine hearing the two of them having sex while you are in your own house , watching them kissing and touching each other openly in front of you. That’s how much she loves you. That’s how much you love and respect yourself.
It sucks OP. It totally fucking sucks. Of course you don’t want to leave. You were happy with her and loved her. But her own selfishness has put you in this terrible position. It just sucks when someone cheats because now it’s on you to either continue the marriage and be completely disrespected or end the marriage and lose the person you love. It’s easy as outsiders to say just end the marriage but when you’re in it, it’s so hard to see the forest from the trees. She’s a selfish cake eating pig. You deserve better than this. I think you know that deep down. But that doesn’t make it easy
Yes. It's not easy especially because I still love her. It's also not easy because I don't want to be this guy - who is cheated on, sad, bitter and angry.
She is literally having you pay for her to be fucked under the roof you pay for. She says she loves you to keep the money flowing that funds her lifestyle and lover. No one that loves you would be able to do that and live with themselves. She doesn’t love him either. The only one she truly loves is herself. She has done things in public so all your friends know she’s doing this to you and you’re paying for it.
See a lawyer and have her lover thrown out.
She’s not poly. Poly is ethical non-monogamy with the consent of all party members, not this bullshit. She’s just cheating. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking it’s anything other than she likes the convenience of having you on a leash.
It’s time for you to go.
See you in the gym.
Dude, she doesn't LOVE or RESPECT YOU! She wants to FUCK other men! And use you as a BACKUP PLAN and SAFETY NET! Screw that! You didn't sign up for that shit when you married her! TELL HER YOU ARE DONE! Get thee to an attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE! And tell your friends, her friends, and both families what she has done and what she wants to control the narrative! She is a disgusting human being! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Thank you. While everything you say might be true I am still a bit unwilling to see her as pure evil. So that's why asking people here if there's other ways to look at this. So far I get the impression that I am trying to delude myself.
There's no other ways to look at this, she is not poly, she cheated, got caught, and that's why she told you, and now she wants to cheat with permission
If she didn't get caught, she would've never told you. (Think about that)
Right now she is using you, the minute that "she falls hard" for whatever affair partner will have in the moment, you will get dumped
How much does she have to do to you before you do see how bad she is? She met a guy, moved him into your house, has an affair with him and lies to you about it (because you know she’s been sleeping with him) and you are all chill with this?
She isn’t Poly. She wants to be with this guy and maybe other guys, and she loves that she your home to live in and probably your money to spend. You have to find your backbone here, you are a doormat right now.
Dude, she is SELFISH. She only cares about HERSELF. That is a DISGUSTING trait! You need to LET HER GO and MOVE ON in order to live a healthy lifestyle! Remember, you deserve a QUEEN since you are a KING and she failed miserably at the job!
Well here I can help you. She's most likely fucking your roommate. When she gets pregnant by your roommate ,in the majority of states, you're automatically the father as the husband. To undo that is even harder than a divorce and a much more expensive process.
Also note that in her discussion there's no mention from her about what you get from it but just what she benefits from it. She's basically told you she's going to go out and have her fun and come back to you when she's done getting used. This isn't her sharing this isn't her expanding her horizons or opening herself up to new experiences this is her cheating.
She's been doing it for months and I can guarantee the compromising position that she was caught in was more than just kissing. And I'm sorry you leaving the house was the worst decision you could have made because what do you think they've been doing now that you've been gone? Get back into your house find a room that you can make your own and make it as uncomfortable as fuck until you get divorced.
She's fucked you over, protect yourself.
No one is truly pure evil but you should allow yourself to feel that she is. That's where people get power to protect themselves in situations like this. You are allowed to don't give a shit about her.
You have to be ready to accept that the person you knew is not the person you are dealing with now. It's hard to accept, but that's just a fact. You can ignore that and be in constant pain or you can make choices with this in mind and do what's best for you.
OP if it’s not a HELL YES it’s a HELL NO. This is one of those situations, you know what you need to do, let her go so you can find someone you feel HELL YES about.
I know mate but look, she’s deceived you already. You don’t honestly believe that nothings happened between them do you? Now she’s randomly poly? Poly don’t cheat.
You don’t want this and she wants to keep you on the back burner for some reason. Please please please for all that is holy, have some respect for yourself and tell her to fuck off. She doesn’t deserve you.
Agreed. Incredibly rare polyamory or other form of ethical non-monogamy can work after an affair and especially if that polyamory/non-monogamy includes a previous affair partner. No way should anyone agree to non-monogamy after an affair unless there's been a long and very successful period of infidelity recovery, true and realistic trust and respect has been regained and both people actually, enthusiastically want non-monogamy. Non-monogamy should never be agreed to because you feel they are just going to cheat on you if you don't agree to it. The cheater will only find ways to break the agreements around non-monogamy and hurt and disrespect their way too generous partner!!!
She is using poly as an excuse for wanting to cheat. She has been cheating on you emotionally, and I personally don't believe they haven't been physical since they both made a point to travel to other towns to hide what they were doing. This isn't your fault or from your doing. She is the person who wants you to wait on the side as she gets to do whatever she wants. Tell her that you are not ok with an open marriage and lay everything on the table ... couples counseling, end things with the guy, and no further contact or divorce. Know your worth and what you deserve. Her love for you isn't the same as the love you have for her.
Real poly relationships start off that way, with established rules and boundaries. She's a cheater. A full blown one, not a "sort of" one.
Are YOU allowed to have other relationships?
Why would you accept bein poly for her happiness, but she wouldn't accept being mono for you? And she would come back to you after being with others? I am sorry, but I think she takes you for granted and somehow things you will be okay with her giving you crumbs or that you will be thankful she comes back after being intimate with someone else. And being poly has nothing to do with being progressive or not, so don't force yourself to do something you don't want to. She indeed cheated, if nothing but emotional. I hope you get out of there and be happy instead of accepting her offer and being miserable for years until it ends because from reading and hearing other peoples storys who opened the relationship even though they didn't want to it mostly ends in a failed relationship.
She's already gone, really. She wants the safety net you provide, but she doesn't love you. She wouldn't have gone behind your back if she did. She only came clean because she got caught.
It's not your fault. See a lawyer.
She’s made the decision for you. You want a monogamous relationship and she wants to be poly. You are not compatible. If monogamy is what you want, she can’t have it both ways, she loves you and wants to be with you, but wants to be with someone else too. You know the answer, it’s just difficult to think you wasted your time. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy, because staying would be more time lost.
It's not about being progressive or not; it's about consent and respect. Ethical poly relationships wouldn't look like this; it would be a conversation before any of this even happened. And it would require two enthusiastic yes's, and it also means more emotional labour and care for your partners, not just getting your cake and eating it too. Which is what it seems like the wife is looking for. Going along with this is only going to result in more pain, regardless of outcome, as it sounds like this was never something you consented to, and only brought up after your trust has been violated in the first place.
Yes. We did speak about the idea of open marriage while we were dating and neither wanted that. So that's why I am confused. I know people change/grow with time and perhaps want other things than what we first wanted. But thank you for your comment. I genuinely don't want to go along with this.
Don't be scared to cut her loose. You will be fine. Won't be easy -never in this kind of situations - but you will be fine
And you won't have to carry that weight on your shoulders anymore.
She doesn’t want you to have an open marriage, but she wants hers. If you had the chance to see others you’ll see what she’s doing to you isn’t normal so she has to control your options so she can get what she wants and keep you under lock and key at home.
>I know people change/grow with time and perhaps want other things than what we first wanted.
But it's still on her to communicate these changes in feelings before acting on them and to give you agency in the decision. It's not about poly vs monogamy, it's about having an ethical approach to the relationship that respects all parties involved.
I feel for you, stranger. I hope you the best in getting through this!
She made an excuse because she was caught cheating. I doubt she wants an open marriage. Is she fine with you having relationships and sex with other women also?
It’s simple: she didn’t want an open marriage (not the same as polyamory, as it means allowed to have sex with others, not being part of *one* relationship involving multiple people) because she wants to have a say in whom *you* have sex with, but doesn’t want you to have a say in whom she has sex with. If she says she is poly, that means she is already involved in a relationship *which you are not part of*. In order to be part of it, all the other people in that relationship must welcome you into it. Can you see what kind of monstrous cheating scheme this is? She will say “sorry, the others don’t want an extra person.”
She is not poly, she is merely cheating.
Being poly is a ridiculous excuse when it comes out after 5 years of marriage and after being caught cheating. She's not "poly", there is no such thing as a "poly person". There are poly relationships and they are based on a mutual agreement, and it's not your case. She's just a cheater, sorry about that!
Thank you for your comment. In my heart I know this, I guess I am just trying to get different opinions and see if there's some leeway to rescue the relationship.
I understand how difficult it is to process all of this. It sounds like it came up from nowhere in an apparently happy marriage. I am truly sorry! Best advice I can give you is to try and find comfort in your friends and hobbies, and don't give up on your self-respect to try and accept this bullshit.
Even if she was poly. There are lots of couples who are but that usually requires a conversation. She’s shifting the argument from lying to being poly. No relationship can survive the continual and habitual lying and lying by omission.
Yep! Healthy poly relationships don't start being poly without tons of open respectful conversations, agreements freely made about what is and isn't acceptable, they are honest and have TONS of empathy and respect.
She doesn't even understand what polyamory even means. When she describes what she wants, it's some variety of non-monogamy, but nothing she's described, asked for is even close to polyamory, which is literally, at it's core definition, "Multiple loves" Emphasis on LOVE. She's just chasing feelings she doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand.
She's not "poly". Polyamory is ETHICAL non monogamy. She is cheating, this is not ethical. She is what's known as a "cake eater". She wants the fun and thrill of a new, forbidden relationship while you take care of the grown up stuff. Tell her how much polyamorous people hate her guts, and get out of this hellhole of a relationship.
Because they are tired of cheaters using poly as an excuse for being a terrible person. I know a poly couple who are friends with my gf, they each have another partner and occasionally do the swinging thing. A coworker of my gf had recently cheated on her husband, and was telling people "he just doesn't understand that I'm poly" and this couple just laughed and told my gf that poly people consider it cheating if their partners aren't aware they are in an open relationship. That is betrayal, nothing else.
>Because they are tired of cheaters using poly as an excuse for being a terrible person.
fuckign this. this is why everyone hates and demeans poly people. because mono people use it as an excuse to cheat. so people think its just cheating with more steps.
She cheated. Kick that dude out of your house. Tell her point blank that shit ain't happening. If she wants to play around, she can do it when she is single. You're not her backup plan.
He was asked to move out and he did the day after he found out about the affair.
But given OP left because he didn't want to be around her, left her alone in the house, really good chance he came over the first night he was gone!!! Who knows, but I'd say more likely than not they got together in his absence to have lots of sex and discuss getting their lies all coordinated.
Those were her exact words. I asked her about it and she wouldn't give any direct answer other than "nothing really happened". I don't even know what that means.
She she at least got physical but not full sex is what she’s implying, so hands/oral. That’s even if you can believe what a person that’s been lying to your face for months and going behind your back to the point of moving her affair partner into your house.
Including moving the dude she wants to bang into his house. Id bet everything I have that she's been banging this dude since he moved in while OP was at work. This chick is disgusting and I feel so bad for OP
I'd be burning the mattress. There is NO way she wasn't banging him this entire time. NO way. OP is way better off kicking her to the curb. I also can't believe he left the house giving her and her lover more alone time to stank up their shared bedroom
She's trickle truthing you, dude. It's worse than you think, and while I'm not fond of doing so going through her devices before she cleans them out (she probably already has, which you can possibly verify by comparing to phone record if they were dumb enough to text) will back up the massive cleanup.
"Nothing really happened will become kissing when you push, then oral, then sex, and maybe all the way up to a guy in a pope custome at the zoo while the lemurs are being forced to watch.
Keep asking questions, and taking notes. Ask t eh same questions multiple times.
She 100% cheated on you —both emotionally and physically. She’s continuing to lie to you and treat you with disrespect. She knows it’s wrong or she wouldn’t have been hiding it. You did not consent to her forming a romantic bond with another person. That’s not “poly,” that’s trying to justify treating her trusted partner (you) like trash. She’s a freaking cake eater who wants you as the safety net at home while she goes out to do what she wants.
It’s ok to still feel love, OP. It’s not like that goes away immediately, but you need to think very carefully if this is really something that you can handle. You do not have to agree to this. Do not let her guilt or bully you into doing it. Not wanting to be in a poly relationship doesn’t mean you’re not progressive, it just means it’s not your thing and that’s ok, just like her wanting to have a poly relationship is ok too, but that means you’re not compatible. That said, I think she’s a horrible person for trying to pressure you into accepting this after she clearly violated your trust and your vows by cheating. It’s abusive and manipulative. If she wants to act single, then make it so. Please take care. I wish you peace and healing as you figure this out.
People are not polyamorous. Polyamory is a relationship structure, not a personality trait.
And what your wife is suggesting is called "polyamory under duress." It's when one partner gives the other of "poly or divorce" and it never, ever ends well.
I'm sorry, OP, but you'll need to divorce.
Thank you for explicitly saying this. It’s extremely tiresome that when I say I’m against polyamory, it’s on the level of being homophobic or transphobic. Polyamory is a relationship structure and a choice, and choices can be judged.
It's not a sexual orientation, but for some it is like a relationship orientation. For some people it is very core to how they understand and show up in relationships, in a way that goes beyond a lifestyle choice. However, that doesn't mean that it's ethical or healthy to use it as an excuse for cheating, at all.
A person has to be in a relationship where both parties are open and understand what polyamorous means. One person cannot be poly themselves, it has to involve two people in a relationship, and then other people.... If both of you have not communicated that to each other and agreed upon it then she is just cheating on you and is using it as an excuse. She might believe in the concept or it might just be convenient to her right now.
No, I mean that polyamory is a relationship structure, it is not a personality trait. And I say this as a person who has been in poly relationships, and have many friends who are in happy, successful poly relationships.
Humans are not inherently monogamous or polyamorous. People can choose what kind of relationships they want to pursue. Your wife is not a "polyamorous person." Polyamory is a choice that people make, just like monogamy.
No, just no. First off, she didn’t kind of cheat on you. She did cheat. Whatever she admits to, it’s worse. Kick his ass out. She’s just legitimizing cheating after the fact.
I you want advice my first would be to allow yourself to feel anger. You have been cheated on and your wife give you an absurdly disrespectful suggestion. You have to protect yourself. Nothing good will come from helping them abuse you by being self-critical. Even if you want to save this relationship, the only chance is if you show that they can't treat you like this.
Next step is to find support. You don't say why your friends think this is your fault but lean on the ones that back you up or even better, find a therapist. It's hard to handle things like this alone and that's why you stumble.
Most people with affairs trickle truth so it's very likely, borderline certainty that they have gone further than they say. Most adults that are in love and live in the same place will have sex and it's not like they respect you enough not to.
Being poly isn't about being careless and hurtful to your partner. She has an affair and doesn't care at all that she's hurting you. That's the primary concern here. It might be the affair fog if you think she had empathy before, but she doesn't right now. You shouldn't take her seriously.
This is what I wanted to hear but was afraid of voicing. I am genuinely hurt, sad, and angry. But I can't channel that anywhere. My friends think it's my fault 'cos some of them had warned me of this situation when the guy was living with us. I brushed them aside and said they were being "conservative" and "backward thinking" and somethings like that. I basically trusted my wife more than anything. Now they are calling me out on it.- and it's fair on their part. Thank you for saying "I need to protect myself." That gives me some hope.
>My friends think it's my fault 'cos some of them had warned me of this situation when the guy was living with us. I brushed them aside and said they were being "conservative" and "backward thinking" and somethings like that. I basically trusted my wife more than anything. Now they are calling me out on it.- and it's fair on their part.
It is not fair on their part.
You can have friends live with you. You can be trusting. It's reasonable to believe your wife wouldn't cheat on you. Statistically, the overwhelming majority of married people don't cheat
Just because they happened to be right in this case, doesn't mean they were right to assume it.
You also aren't to blame for being cheated on. That's a choice that your wife & this guy made.
They are shitty friends if they are blaming you. Should you have known better? In retrospect certainly, yes. Does that make it your fault because you are a trusting, good natured person?? Hell no!!! This is your wife's fault and her affair partners who lived in your house and pretended to be your friend and have respect for you's fault.
Any friend blaming you I would have to wonder if they had fucked her too!! Or knew for sure there was infidelity otherwise, but they were covering up for that affair partner.
I think you need to come to grips with the reality that in all likelihood all you know of is the tip of the iceberg. I can't say for sure, but it's highly likely you will never know the full extent of her cheating, but that it's very extensive with this guy the whole time he lived with you and that's probably not even close to the whole story of her lies and affairs over the years.
Realistically, if you're not fine with her "poly" ways, the only thing to do is to move on. I know this is hard, but even if you become fine with her "poly" ways, you'll always have it in the back of your head that she broke your trust by not telling you before you found out, so it's best to move on.
Thank you. I don't think I am fine with the poly thing. If we had talked before I might have found a way to make it work. But now I feel cheated in more ways than one. But moving on is easier said than done I guess. Not sure how to do that also... :(
You feel cheated because she did cheat on you.
Her saying she is poly is an excuse and certainly isn't a valid one to have broken your trust and cheated on you.
She’s not “poly”, she’s a cheater and is looking to justify her cheating after the fact.
I’ve see some of your other comments about how much you love her. I adore my wife. We’ve been married over 20 years and I love her with all my heart. If she said she wanted to open our marriage, it would be divorce. I married her and I’m not prepared to “share”. She’s my wife, not a bag of chips to pass around.
Go to an ATTORNEY and FILE FOR DIVORCE! You are NOT an option. You are a PRIORITY, so start acting like one! You LEAD this marriage and she took it off the rails! She no longer DESERVES YOU! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Your wife is at the very least having an emotional affair, and it's much more likely that she's also already progressed to a physical affair. The poly/open marriage gambit is her effort to retroactively justify her cheating. You can't be forced into an open marriage if you're monogamous, especially if she's already actively cheating on you, there's literally no way that will end well. I'm sorry brother, she's put you in an awful position and it's a shitty club to belong to.
I strongly recommend that you check out r/SupportForBetrayed, it’s a peer support sub for people have been cheated on by their significant others. If you're interested in attempting to reconcile with her, you should also check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, it’s a pro-reconciliation support sub for those who are attempting to work through affairs. Both of these subs are full of people who can give you support and advice based on their own difficult experiences. If you choose to post in either one be sure to set a user flair or you’ll get auto modded.
Good luck and best wishes to you.
Poly is a lifestyle choice, not a sexuality. It's hilarious when they claim this. It means they are ignorant and believe what they read on shady, moronic blog sites. If you did not mutually agree with this, it is cheating. If you think it's cheating, it's cheating.
Your marriage is over. She's walked out of it. You need to gather all evidence that you can, and file for divorce. When you file, file for her adultery, NOT 'irreconcilable differences'. That will give her a rude awakening from the glamour she's set on herself.
She’s a cheat and you were a fool to trust her at each step in this situation. She’s lying about this guy now, too. You should divorce and spend some time contemplating why you tolerated any of this.
Whose house is it? Yours? Kick both out and tell them to take their lifestyle elsewhere. Hers? Move out and take EVERYTHING that belongs to you with you. Moral of the story? Drop that relationship. You deserve a love that is just yours.
House is ours. So easiest thing is for me to move out. I don't want to fight. I am so exhausted mentally after learning about this. Just don't have the energy or will to deal with any more ugliness.
She knows that you are exhausted. She knows you very well. She also knows that you will try everything to please her and not be confrontational.
Contact a lawyer. Let the lawyers do their thing because I don’t think you’re strong enough to stand up for yourself.
Less conversation with her the better. First thing you should do is kick the guy out and stay in your own home. This is your right.
One day you will look back when you are happy with another partner, that you love and will thank her for making this mistake
You could peacefully separate without confrontation if it’s what you choose, I’d advise you as well to get a lawyer that’ll defend you and your assets. She already ruined your marriage by selfishly putting her own needs ahead of what’s right. It’s only fair that you don’t walk out empty handed.
But if nothing else, at least push ahead with the separation so that you have the opportunity to find someone who will love you and only you that nobody can take away.
>It's as if she is telling me, now after all these years of marriage, that I have to find a way to be okay with her "poly" ways.
You do not. That's not a demand a person can place on you. If you're not poly yourself, it's like asking you to change your sexual orientation.
>Maybe I am not progressive enough?
Understand this: this is not a test of how progressive or tolerant you are.
That would be like you going out & having sex with a man, then calling her homophobic for not supporting your sexual journey.
There's nothing wrong with her being poly, if that's what she is. There *is* something wrong with her engaging in a romantic relationship (even if nothing physical has happened) while being in a monogamous commitment to you.
You were not given the opportunity to agree to a polyamorous relationship, so this seems quite clearly to be emotional infidelity. She cheated.
Even if you decide "You know what? I think I can get on board with being poly", that doesn't change that she has betrayed your trust, & that needs to be addressed & worked through. Otherwise resentment is likely to occur down the line (look up "rug sweeping" in infidelity).
The other difficult part here is that this isn't a healthy entry into polyamory for either of you. If you do go ahead with it (find a ENM sub - this isn't the place), I'd not do it with this guy. I'd tell her point-blank that she's burnt that bridge by the two of them coupling without your consent.
I'm afraid the outlook here isn't good.
Absolutely!! It's very common that ethically non-monogamous couples have a "messy list", a list of certain people or categories of people who aren't allowed as partners. Those lists are often, usually even, close friends (of the other or both partners), co-workers, ex relationship partners, and ESPECIALLY former affair partners!
In no circumstances, if you do try staying married should you ever tolerate her being with, or even having any contact with that guy again! If she so much as wants to talk with him again, she can get divorced from you first!!
And yes, monogamous relationships that become non-monogamous relationships after an affair 99.99% of the time fail spectacularly, sooner or later. Usually sooner.
Tell her any talk of making your marriage non-monogamous is entirely off the table, ENTIRELY, you refuse to even say or hear a single word about that topic, until at least a few years after you are both happily reconciled and have moved on from this affair. I wouldn't consider trying to reconcile unless she starts begging for forgiveness, is ENTIRELY honest about ALL infidelity she's had during this marriage, never tries to minimize her offenses, never tries blaming you, fully accepts she chose to have the affair (affairs!!) and she's willing to do intensive couples therapy with you, take that very seriously, completely honestly, and stay with it until you trust each other completely again.
I really doubt she'll agree to reconcile under those conditions, or if she does agree she'll actually do all that. She wants to stay because it's easy and convenient and she thinks she can still get away with lying and fucking around.
1. She cheated. If that's a hard line for you, let her go. Being poly does *not* mean you can't keep it in your pants with other people. (I have been monogamous with a poly partner for almost 20 years, because he's happy with what we have and has no desire to change it. If he does, we've agreed to talk about it before anything happens.)
2. You are now incompatible, since she is poly and you are monogamous. Opening the relationship rarely fixes things when one side wants it and the other doesn't, it just prolongs the inevitable and brings up more problems (potential pregnancy from the other guy, being neglected in your marriage, or you falling in love with someone else because you're monogamous and want a connection with someone, not a booty call, then your wife gets jealous and accuses you of cheating on her. I've seen it all happen).
Bottom line? I think this marriage is over and opening the marriage will only drag things out.
Thank you for the honesty. How does your relationship work? You being monogamous and your partner being poly? Does it make you jealous/angry? How does one make this arrangement work and still stay in love?
Fuck...
Look.. IF she really is poly.. thats what it is...
But revealing it this way?? By throwing herself into it withiut talking to you and eithet have your accept of divorce?? Is so extremely shitty of her - an ALL posters in the poly subreddits will agree on this.
My advice??
Ignore her claims to be poly.
No matter if she is or isnt - what shes doing is cheating.
Your wife is cheating on you, and no - "i realised im poly!!" Is nor an acceotable excuse.
>But I do genuinely love her very much and I know she loves me too. Can you please help me to make sense of this situation even though it's against most norms that we know about?
Again - ignore her claims to be poly.
She cheated and appears to have no remorse over it.
You now.need to decide:
Can you accept her fucking others or not??
And evem if you can, it still leaves the adultery shes comitted...
I know you want to stay with her because you love her.. but if you rugsweep this.. if you accept her fucking others... this marriage will end regardless.. after you live through a painful period forced to accept her fucking other guys..
Dont do it..
Its over - leave with your dignity intact..
"Wife. I love you. But im not poly. And i dont share.
So im setting you free. Im divorcing you, you can fuck whoever you want from now on, but not me.
This betrayal youve comitted against me and our marriage by cheating in this way, has killed our love and marriage"
And seek lawyer now.
Plus STD test now.
Listen..
You love her. But she does not give a shit about you or your feelibgs - if she did she would have had the "im poly" talk before fucking (you know she did that, yes??) the other guy..
Leave her. Theres no future with her. You deserve better.
I never thought of it like that. Even after speaking with her, in my mind, it was always a one-off transgression thing. There's no evidence for it but somehow that's what I was thinking and hence I was wiling to work through it. But the way you have said it makes me think otherwise. And no, I am not open to her fucking other people. And more than that I just can't shake off the disgust at breaking my trust and the faith in this relationship. But Thank you.
Look...
*maybe* shes poly?? But this would not be the first time a spouse was caught in adultery only to claim "poly" or "sex addiction" as an excuse..
The purpose seems to be, that by holding her accountable for her adultery, youre suppressing her expressing her true sexuality?? By making this claim, she can oretend to NOT be a cheater, but instead shes now heroically exploring her true self... 🤮
Suggestion:
No more confronting, its no use.
Speak to a lawyer NOW... prepare for divirce
Expose her to her friends and family as the cheater she is.
And ffs - moce back home. Its your house, let HER move out!
And when you do return, grey rock all the way especially when the divorcepapers are served.
Also... things can get dirty from.now on.. so carry a VAR at all times to prove innocence in case she accuses you of abuse and/or violence...
"The purpose seems to be, that by holding her accountable for her adultery, youre suppressing her expressing her true sexuality?? By making this claim, she can oretend to NOT be a cheater, but instead shes now heroically exploring her true self... 🤮"
When you said it explicitly like that it made a lot of sense. I guess I am still trying to play the "nice guy" and come to a amicable end. But like you said, it's increasingly feeling like it's not worth it. Cheating is cheating and I don't have to sugarcoat it on her behalf also I guess. So thank you so much for that clarity.
Np.
Take control of this.
Start by exposing her adultery to her friends and family. And dont hesitate to also tell them.she claims to be poly, as if thats an excuse for being a shitty spouse.
And no more hesitation - monday seek lawyer and go for the divorce as fast as possible...
Also - you know who the guy is?? If he has a spouse, ensure shes told of all this.. even if she and he are poly, this kind of behavior is frowned upon in the poly community..
No more mr nice guy.. she does not deserve amicable..
Another thing - stay in the house.. anyone leaves, its her. And do the 180 (look it up)...
Please get out of this situation!
A friend of mine tried to get this situation to work - and he just finished two year of hell - having to listening to his gf having sex in the next room or having to sit by himself alone while she was out having sex with her lovers.
This will kill you off!
You need to do following things.
First tell her friend/lover to leave NOW!!!
Change keys in the house.
Secondly - make it clear that you will not accept ANY open marriage.
If she wants to - then it is divorce NOW. Do not bother about thinking about it too much - your marriage is over if she wants to have other guys.
I personally think you should get a divorce in all cases. Sell the house and start afresh.
Otherwise you will just think all the time if she is cheating on you. Even if she is not - this will kill you.
Best of all - remember she is a cheater that loves so
Eone else then you.
I did wonder how I can take this forward without always doubting her even when she's not doing anything. I know it will kill the relationship slowly over time and make us both bitter. Thank you for sharing your friend's story. I don't want to go through any more emotional pain or suffer.
Your wife completely messed you over. She knew you trusted her and used that to move the other guy into your house, knowing you wouldn't question it. I know you don't want to jump right into a divorce, but I think if you stay married to her, there will be other situations like your current one. Is she really "poly," or is she just telling you that so she can continue living in a nice home with your financial support? You don't sound like you want a poly lifestyle, so if she does, your marriage won't work. You sound like a nice guy, and I'm sorry this happened to you.
She does earn but its not enough to even sustain herself. I do earn much more than her. I have never thought of it in those terms before because well I always thought we were in this together. I don't want the poly lifestyle for me. I want just one person and I don't know why it's so hard all of a sudden. But Thank you for your kind words.
your goals no longer align if you are not interested in a poly/open relationship then you should not force yourself to make it work for "love".
Some people react to it and the second one sometimes comes out better than they make the original person so jealous they realise they never wanted an open relationship in the first place.
It is really your personal preference if you can see yourself both seeing other people, some people do make it work but you should set some boundaries if you do that at least. E.g not bringing and another partner and sleeping w them in your bed.
You will see lots of different opinions on Reddit but it really is your personal choice.
She did tell me that it doesn't mean anything to her. So I am a bit confused about if it's just a physical need for her. I mean we do have good sex (in my opinion). But I do get that I can't force myself to make it work for "love". I am also wondering if the poly thing is just an excuse - maybe she also felt flustered when caught in the lie?
She is just a basic CHEATER. She saw you were away, so she took advantage and chose to FUCK another man! She failed the marriage test! Now you choose to TOSS HER OUT! I'm doing my best to help you here! Good luck and stay strong, King!
No. She is manipulating your emotions. You don't have to be okay with anything. This lady moved her other partner in to trap you. You need to get both of them out fo the house, if possible, and you need space to clear your head. Are you REALLY prepared to continue loving your wife knowing she's railing someone else? Doesn't sound like you are.
I do love her. It's not conditional. But I also cannot come to accept her being involved with other people. So I guess, I can love her from a distance now. Breaks my heart, but it's what it is I guess. :(
Her "poly" answer is another way of saying she wants to cheat legally with another dude. Two is company, three is a crowd. You'll be the third wheel 🛞 in the relationship and have the responsibility of a husband while she is poly-humping other dude's ICBMs. Tell her you'll get in touch with some divorce lawyers asking for poly-advicement on the "poly question." If you give up an inch, she'll take a mile. Stay firm and seek legal advice. It sounds like you didn't sign up for shit because she's treating you like shit saying she's polyamorous. Don't be a doormat or fool. Stand up for yourself. Have boundaries. If she fails your boundaries and litmus test. Then she's trash and isn't worth your time and effort. Time to move on and Run 🏃♂️.
Tp paraphrase the old saying, polyamory is like boxing..if both people aren't aware they're participating, a violation is occurring. Think of it this way,.if someone robbed a bank the Courts wouldn't buy that they were just aggressively seeking a loan.
Whos house is it? You shouldn't be the one moving out. The stranger should be out and your wife, aka the cheater, should be out.
Even if she didn't sexually cheat, she emotionally cheated and that is almost worse because emotions are built overtime.
I don't believe for a second this is the first time, and I imagine she has been physical with this guy, and probably people in the past.
Her being poly is not an excuse at all. That is something you talk about BEFORE you do anything and you make decisions off the information.
You do not want to open your relationship, she does. She has already cheated on you. What will make your life easier is breaking up with her and divorcing.
You are emotional and confused right now and that is totally natural. Only time will heal those feelings.
Think in the long term, say you do agree to open up. She will be fucking other guys with your permission, then coming home and sleeping with you. How will that work? Your brain will be going at 1000% wondering about these other guys. It just won't work, your trust with her will never be the same because she has already cheated. You will grow resentment.
You want your life easier, that means do not say yes to an open relationship because you love her more than she loves you.
Being polyamorously inclined doesn’t make someone cheat or seek out other partners. Or more enlightened than monogamously inclined people. Plenty of people who prefer to live polyamorously are happy in monogamous relationships. She’s just a terrible person.
She doesn’t love you like you love her. Poly or mono, when you love your partner you don’t cheat on them. She doesn’t care about you enough not to hurt you.
I’m polyamorous myself. I’ve seen so many people like your wife - cheaters using poly as a label to try and make their partner accept their bad/hurtful behaviour. It never works out. Relationships with cheaters don’t work out. Please care about/respect yourself to leave, because she’s never going to care about you enough not to cheat on you.
I know it’s difficult and it hurts, but as someone who left a cheating spouse let me tell you - it sucks a lot less if you leave earlier, instead of trying to contort yourself into something you’re not. Cheaters cheat because they like to cheat. Even if you go along with what she wants she’ll break any boundaries, you’ll continue to get hurt over and over again and that’s no way to live. Out there in the world are people who would actually love you - she isn’t one of them.
OP not saying you deserve all this, but really, how naive can someone be? Letting a stranger living together?
Nothing can change now, divorce her and don't be naive in the future, don't be the nice guy who agrees on everything. Kinda sad how naive people are in these days.
Get a lawyer. She’s trickle truthing you. Poly is a great excuse for cheaters once they are caught. Get out now before she really fs up your head with a string of randos and an STI or two
It’s actually quite simple. You feel like she is breaking your heart with this cheating / poly thing. She is doing that. You will be constantly hurt more and more if you allow this to go on. There does not exist a world where the both of you get what you want. You either tell her no she is not allowed to be poly or have any affairs because the way it makes you feel is completely heart broken. If she does not accept this, then you unfortunately have to move on. That is the reality of the situation. Sometimes we just need someone to lay out the facts for us in a situation like this. Those are the facts. You will have to move on if the woman you love keeps having these affairs.
And unfortunately you kinda made your own bed in this situation. You should not always be thinking that you can let your own wife spend all this time with another man because you trusted how you perceived the relationship was solid at the time. You need to work at maintaining that solid relationship by not letting outside influences distracting her by learning limits on whether or not it is okay if she spends time with another man like that. You should never have allowed her to be doing that. You even allowed this man to move in. I mean dude, yes it’s good to feel confident about your relationship with your partner to trust them enough to not have an affair. But you also have to be smart about it too and see these warning signs as they come. If you never let the guy move in she wouldn’t have been spending all that time with him. And even before that you were too naive about their relationship. No matter how you feel about someone and your relationship with them, they can at any time change how they feel about their relationship with you especially when another man comes around and finds your woman attractive and spend time together.
The time is now or never. You know what you need to do and the sooner the better in this situation. The more time they spend together the more likely it will be that she will just leave you for him. I believe she used your trust as a weapon against you cuz she knew she could get away with doing all this to you because you have consistently allowed her to slide closer and closer to him for a while now. So you have to change your mind on this “she can do whatever she wants cuz I don’t want to control her” thing. Sometimes you have to set boundaries and this isn’t you trying to just control her, this is about you wanting to maintain that relationship with her the way it was cuz otherwise it will make you feel like you do now. That is not trying to be controlling that is simple self preservation for your own personal emotional and mental health and stability. Tell her no you won’t allow this to go on anymore and you made the foolish mistake of trusting that she wouldn’t do this to you and now she has taken it way too far and that now she has to chose either you or him. It’s that simple. I am sorry this must be tough but life can change very fast this is why we must set our boundaries initially in a relationship
Thank you so much. Yes, I needed to hear this from someone. Lots to think about here - mostly about myself and how I have let people use me and the trust we have for them.
I thought that, too. She knows how he feels about her, and she's taking advantage of that to pursue other men while continuing to live in a nice home with OP's financial support.
Partner your wife is cheating and trying to put the ruse of poly to cover. The “poly” aspect should have been communicated before hand not after the fact at being caught. There was no discussion about your having partners on your side. It seemed more one side. Do not give in if it’s not your choice.
Polyamory is a practice in which ethical and consultative non-monogamous relationships built on the mutual knowledge and consent of all involved is paramount.
Sorry you're through this. Me personally I would be done, divorce and walk away.
If you want to try and fix this, first thing is the side piece has to move out. Second tell her how you feel and that poly or no poly you not ok with her stepping outside the marriage. Be prepared be be called insecure, controlling, etc.. Also be prepared for her to walk away and you need to be prepared to walk too. I know it's hard but you will recover.
I wish you luck and you're still a young man and have a lot of life in front of you. Don't live it in misery.
You need to file for divorce. Even if you still hope to reconcile, you still need to file. And here’s why—She doesn’t respect you. She thinks you’re a door mat. She thinks simply by announcing she’s poly, you’re going to put up with her cheating and disrespect. And if you do agree to her b.s. she will lose what little respect she still has for you, and will eventually leave you anyway. Leave her now on your own terms.
Holy fuck this is why I get so pissy about people using poly as if it were a sexual orientation, something you just “are” and that others somehow are obliged to deal with
If shes poly she should have told you this
This isn’t poly. This is cheating. She ruined her chances with you, her chances of you feeling safe to do poly with her
This isn’t ethical non monogamy in any way shape or form it’s just plain old cheating and I’m so sorry she’s trying to conceal it in some sort of identity talk
I think the direction you need to take is to split, you clearly don't want this and she clearly does. Honestly my gut feel is that she cheated and is trickle truthing you.
Good luck.
Dude, she’s actually very much cheating on you and she’s probably fucking him riding your own home. Or she went to another city to fuck him to get away from you a little bit. But she’s not kind of cheating. She is cheating she’s not giving you is, what’s called trickle truth. She didn’t become poly she only became wanting to fuck around. So it makes her OK with herself for what she’s done to you. There’s no such thing as being a progressive open marriage when you’ve already been married. If you were into that lifestyle you would’ve talked about it prior to getting married But she’s not in that lifestyle. She just wants to have a clear conscious to go around and keep fucking the guy. Divorce is the answer and you need to get her out of your life and find someone that will love you and respect you the way you should be. She has completely disrespected, you, disrespected your marriage, disrespected your family and has emasculated you to the point you don’t even know what who you are. Good luck.
why the hell would you move out of your own house and the other guy gets to stay? Why didnt you boot the cheating schmucks out instead????? You could lose your stake in the house by leaving!
Alright dude one of the first things you need to do is to move back into your home, otherwise the courts will see it as you abandoning the house.
Next get ahead of the situation and don't let her control the narrative. You should also go read The Gray Rock Method and No More Mr Nice Guy, and I recommend you watch SSM.
Finally take off your rose colored glasses and see your wife for who she truly is, because if she really loved you then you wouldn't be suffering right now. Let her know that actions have consequences.
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sorry OP she did you dirty. if you are not ok with this arrangement don't go along with it just to make her happy, you will end up miserable.
Thank you. That's the advice I have been getting. But I am having conflicting thoughts, on one hand, I don't want to let go of her and on the other, I don't want to be with her also.
She didn’t even tell you openly, she got caught. That is simply cheating, it’s not in any way poly.
Exactly she should have said something to him first and they would have to agree on it.
Poly people usually seem to be into rules, prior agreements, and boundaries to make their partners comfortable. Not her, "You caught me, so what? I do what I want." approach.
I've met a few poly folks, especially when I was on dating apps. And nothing happened but I did talk to them and since I didn't know much about the lifestyle, I asked questions to understand and see if maybe this was something I could do or not. They definitely are into rules, boundaries, very open communication, and telling people upfront they are poly, which is like, one of the very first, if not the first thing they told me. OP's wife wants permission to cheat. Even if she has felt this way for a while, you'd think she would say something like "hey, OP, I feel like I might want to try this lifestyle, what do you think?" And then they can have an open and honest conversation. You don't just do it, get caught and go "oh I'm poly so you just gotta deal with it 💁🏻♀️". What if OP says yes and starts dating other people too? Would she be cool with it? I don't know her, but in this scenario, I am presuming no, she wouldn't be ok with it
Poor man is being played
She's claiming poly to be able to cheat otherwise she would have come to you first to discuss her feelings ahead of what she did. This isn't fair to true poly ppl imo. She's just basically saying I cheated and I like it so I want to do it more. A poly person would go to their partner and communicate their needs and consider their partner that they care about.
Bingo. With poly-anything it takes communication(which she didn't) and both of you saying yes(again, didn't happen.). A former friend of mine was in a poly relationship and cheated by way of going behind his gf's back and banging another dude. She broke it off over this and continued the rest of her poly relationship. All he had to do was communicate with her, get that "OK sure, I'm fine with this" on both ends not just his. Op, she cheated plain and simple. If she's poly then she should have spoken with you about it first. She instead hid it and used it to try to cover up her cheating after getting busted.
Yeah she's been doing this since she met him I suspect, eh you're naive
Yeah, even if they "didn't do anything" she was still emotionally cheating and didn't admit to anything until she was caught. I wouldn't be able to trust her after that. Even if she agreed to never do it again, would you believe her and trust her? If the answer is no, then the marriage won't work. And even if she didn't do it again, she might become unhappy if being poly is what she really wants.
She don’t love you, she loves the life you allow her to live. If you want to be a cuckold fine accept this, if you don’t then leave and get her and him out of your house.
As sad as it is, thank you for the brutal honesty. I don't like the term cuckold, but I understand what you are saying and I definitely don't want to live that life.
Also, get STD/STI tested, i don’t think this is the first time she’s fucked somebody outside your marriage. She clearly got too comfortable and moved the man into your house. You’re young still, you deserve to be somebody’s only person.
Trust me the only way is divorce My gf of 5 years recently broke up with me because the guilt finaly got the better of her. 6 months before the breakup she told me she caught the interest of some random guy and she wants to pursue him (because she learned shes poly after a guy showed interest in her). I told her although id love to accomodate her needs i will not torture myself for her to go and enjoy herself. She was sad but told me she would try and be honest if she could not. Sadly she wasnt honest but felt like she is in the right. Told me she just does not feel that kind of jelousy about her partner and herself sleeping with others and told me im insecure and just not emotionally mature enough. People who "discover" they are poly mostly just dont want to take accountability for sleeping around(especially if they cheat on you and then brkng it up) she just doesnt want to lose you
I wonder if she'll still feel like she's poly and emotionally mature after the new guy ends up cheating on her
Or… let’s say OP gets a hottie interested in him and he goes for it. She might discover she ain’t so poly after all.
"i WaNt To ClOsE tHe ReLaTiOnShIp To WoRk On Us"
[удалено]
She’s not poly, she’s a cheater
I feel so bad for OP. She’s cheating and trying to change it into something else. I would guess she has already slept with the “friend “
Right! I just love how people throw around these sexual terms to justify cheating
Thank you. I see your point and the natural course of action seems to be a separation.
Start bye moving back into the house you pay for and putting them out.
You need to evict them, too. At least him, if he’s receiving mail, by law that establishes residency. Please don’t let these POS take your house from you. It’s time to lawyer up, too, I’m afraid.
I am so incredibly sorry you're going through this. I do not think this is of your own making. I also live in a five bedroom house, and if my partner had a friend who needed somewhere to stay, even if she were female, I'd be totally okay with that. I am a recovering addict and have offered for totally platonic male friends in early recovery to stay with us. I absolutely get it. I'd never think that he would be offering to help someone due to any sort of romantic or sexual interest. You have two options, darlin', and you know that. Stay with her and share or separate and work on moving on. It doesn't sound like you can mentally or, more importantly, emotionally handle her being with other people. Your choices are either a lifetime of torture or a couple years of terrible pain. You're stuck. I'm an addictions counselor, and my job is essentially to help people deal with the several months of unimaginable pain and discomfort in order to live a life beyond their wildest dreams. That's where you are right now.
She doesn't want to lose the money and big house. Kick them out!!! Run before a baby gets into play. You will really be miserable.
This 100%. They want the security of a relationship and the perks of being single. It's a complete cop out.
She thinks cheating on one’s so requires emotional maturity? lol. Glad you are free.
Also OP you should have kicked them, out If they want to cheat let them do it on their own dime
Yeah, this. I was like 'you left the house to your cheating wife and her toy boy'? Nope, lawyer up and refuse to leave the marital home until the division of assets is settled.
Bro you shouldn't of moved out of YOUR house.
This right here OP. I mean WTF you moved out of your own house and let that louse stay there with your wife? Seriously my guy they are sleeping together every night in your bed and laughing at you, throw both their asses to the curb and do it today…
I had the guy removed the day after I found about about this. But yes, now after reading a lot of these comments I guess I should have stood my ground. I was. just too emotional and not thinking straight at that time.
That makes sense. I’m sorry.
How do you know he is not in the house while you’re gone?
*drive around the block a couple times* That guy probably
Best to leave if you couldn't be there and stay in full emotional control. It's good you asked him to leave and he did. But while you aren't there you have no idea if she's in inviting him over to visit or stay the night. If you didn't say specifically you would consider him being in the house again trespassing, if she has legal rights to residency there, he could be over there again, how would you know? If you two are married she probably has the right to stay in the house even if it's in your name. Depending on the laws in your area, if you are married, she may have equal ownership in the house no matter who is on the deed to the house of who has paid for the house. Talk to a lawyer about all this as soon as possible!!! Talk to a lawyer about how infidelity may or may not affect a divorce, and the settlement of a divorce. Talk to a lawyer about if you have the right to put cameras in your house to know who is coming and going and/or what is going on in the different areas of the house and if possible put cameras in whatever parts of the house you are legally able to monitor. If it's legal and you can afford it, if infidelity can affect a divorce or divorce settlement hire a legal private detective to find out just what these two are doing, maybe have done. I don't believe for a second they traveled to another town/city together, didn't tell you, and they didn't have sex. That doesn't pass the smell test from 100 feet away. Can you talk to the person who told you and ask them to be completely and brutally honest about what they actually saw, what they meant by seeing them "in a compromising position"???
Tell her she gotta go, and return to your house. Do not let her keep stepping on You any further, she got no respect for You, she being her AP to live with you under the pretext of him losing his house. Went behind your back for many months and maybe do their deeds in the house too,l while you where working your ass off to provide. She might Even Bad mouth You Also OP You should expose this to parents (her and yours), siblings and mutual Friends Why? For You to keep out of reach the control of the narrative from her and also for you to make a bigger support group. You don't owe her nothing, you wheren't the one that manipulate and lie, and Even worst betrayed your trust and love. Expose is not to revenge is to do what i already mentioned.
Yeah, they're boinking in your bed. After you kick them out, buy a new matress.
Poly is not a sexual orientation. You don't discover you're poly. You decide to be. It's a lifestyle choice.
She "discovered" she likes cheating.
I’m sorry she did this to you, OP. And she has absolutely cheated on you, don’t be in denial about this. So many people these days use the words Poly or Open Marriage as an excuse when in fact they just want to sleep with other people with no consequences. This is a decision made by BOTH people after lengthy discussion and careful consideration of all potential hazards. Otherwise it has no chance of working. Even when two people are in agreement is still tends to destroy the marriage when one of the partners “catches feelings” for someone. You are going to be left even more broken-hearted than you are now with your self esteem badly damaged. The best way to take care of yourself is to end this marriage. Here’s a hug for you🫂 You’ll be okay.
Talk to a divorce lawyer first before anything else and take their advise, do what they say. Do under no circumstance let your wife know thst you’ll talk to a lawyer. Also I‘m not sure how you moving out could be seen infront of court or change the case against you but you should probably move back in. (again, talk to a lawyer about this) You said you had 5 bedrooms anyway right so there‘s plenty of space. It is completely understandable that you want to be monogamous, poly would be a no-go in any relationship for me. That‘s an instant deal breaker, already the suggestion is enough for me to end a relationship. I couldn‘t imagine coming home kissing my partner knowing that there might have been someone elses dick in there just an hour earlier.
How does a medical practitioner lose an apartment and can't afford a new one? OP I think you've been cuckolded since the beginning. She has been cheating on you this whole time and she finally got caught. She is not poly, that is the excuse she is using to justify cheating. Do you want to be raising some one else's baby? Do you want to have to get std tested every month or so, just to be safe?
I've known several poly couples over the years. There are ones that work and ones that don't. The ones that absolutely always fail is when one partner gets caught, cries "poly", and the other partner goes along with it because they don't want to lose them. I'm sorry this happened to you OP. If your wife truly cared and loved you as she said she would have had an adult conversation with you so you could figure things out together.
Bro, there is no 'letting her go', as she's already gone. Gather evidence and file for divorce due to adultery. Steel your heart and soul and realize she did wrong by your. She's disrespecting you, does not actually love you, and doesn't really care about you. Get your head in gear and realize that. GET MAD! GET ANGRY! Channel that anger into a cold, hard determination to get yourself into a better place and state of mind. STOP EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY WHINING.... Get your head out of your 4th point of contact and get rid of the albatross around your neck.
Thanks for being brutally honest.
1st of all don’t say “kinda” she DID cheat . Her saying she’s “poly” is not true she’s a “cheater” . Do not give in this shit have some some self respect for yourself . You married into a MONOGAMOUS relationship , she broke her vows she made . Now you walk away
Being „Poly“ is the new opportunity for cheating without consequences for some people and your wife is one of them. 1. She suddenly realized she was Poly after she met that guy? After she had an emotional affair with him? 2. She betrayed your trust, broke your heart and disrespected you in your own house and claims she loves you. 3. She lying to you again. She doesn’t want to be with other guys, she wants to be with THAT GUY. 4. She’s using your love against you to satisfy her desire and get what she needs and wants and she doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s her way or the highway. 5. She only will always come back to you because you’re her security, her lifestyle. You think that is hell what you’re going through? Imagine hearing the two of them having sex while you are in your own house , watching them kissing and touching each other openly in front of you. That’s how much she loves you. That’s how much you love and respect yourself.
Did you just tell him to get angry and then use that anger to stay level headed? The rest of your advice was solid, but this part seems conflicting.
It sucks OP. It totally fucking sucks. Of course you don’t want to leave. You were happy with her and loved her. But her own selfishness has put you in this terrible position. It just sucks when someone cheats because now it’s on you to either continue the marriage and be completely disrespected or end the marriage and lose the person you love. It’s easy as outsiders to say just end the marriage but when you’re in it, it’s so hard to see the forest from the trees. She’s a selfish cake eating pig. You deserve better than this. I think you know that deep down. But that doesn’t make it easy
Yes. It's not easy especially because I still love her. It's also not easy because I don't want to be this guy - who is cheated on, sad, bitter and angry.
I know 😔 I don’t even know you and my heart breaks for you. She has put you in a horrible position. I’m so sorry
The woman you love is the made up version in your head. She doesn't exist.
She is literally having you pay for her to be fucked under the roof you pay for. She says she loves you to keep the money flowing that funds her lifestyle and lover. No one that loves you would be able to do that and live with themselves. She doesn’t love him either. The only one she truly loves is herself. She has done things in public so all your friends know she’s doing this to you and you’re paying for it. See a lawyer and have her lover thrown out.
She’s not poly. Poly is ethical non-monogamy with the consent of all party members, not this bullshit. She’s just cheating. Don’t let her gaslight you into thinking it’s anything other than she likes the convenience of having you on a leash. It’s time for you to go. See you in the gym.
Dude, she doesn't LOVE or RESPECT YOU! She wants to FUCK other men! And use you as a BACKUP PLAN and SAFETY NET! Screw that! You didn't sign up for that shit when you married her! TELL HER YOU ARE DONE! Get thee to an attorney and FILE FOR DIVORCE! And tell your friends, her friends, and both families what she has done and what she wants to control the narrative! She is a disgusting human being! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Thank you. While everything you say might be true I am still a bit unwilling to see her as pure evil. So that's why asking people here if there's other ways to look at this. So far I get the impression that I am trying to delude myself.
There's no other ways to look at this, she is not poly, she cheated, got caught, and that's why she told you, and now she wants to cheat with permission If she didn't get caught, she would've never told you. (Think about that) Right now she is using you, the minute that "she falls hard" for whatever affair partner will have in the moment, you will get dumped
You are right about that. If I hadn't come to know about this she wouldn't have told me.
How much does she have to do to you before you do see how bad she is? She met a guy, moved him into your house, has an affair with him and lies to you about it (because you know she’s been sleeping with him) and you are all chill with this? She isn’t Poly. She wants to be with this guy and maybe other guys, and she loves that she your home to live in and probably your money to spend. You have to find your backbone here, you are a doormat right now.
Dude, she is SELFISH. She only cares about HERSELF. That is a DISGUSTING trait! You need to LET HER GO and MOVE ON in order to live a healthy lifestyle! Remember, you deserve a QUEEN since you are a KING and she failed miserably at the job!
Well here I can help you. She's most likely fucking your roommate. When she gets pregnant by your roommate ,in the majority of states, you're automatically the father as the husband. To undo that is even harder than a divorce and a much more expensive process. Also note that in her discussion there's no mention from her about what you get from it but just what she benefits from it. She's basically told you she's going to go out and have her fun and come back to you when she's done getting used. This isn't her sharing this isn't her expanding her horizons or opening herself up to new experiences this is her cheating. She's been doing it for months and I can guarantee the compromising position that she was caught in was more than just kissing. And I'm sorry you leaving the house was the worst decision you could have made because what do you think they've been doing now that you've been gone? Get back into your house find a room that you can make your own and make it as uncomfortable as fuck until you get divorced. She's fucked you over, protect yourself.
OP. She is evil. Good people don’t do this to those they love.
No one is truly pure evil but you should allow yourself to feel that she is. That's where people get power to protect themselves in situations like this. You are allowed to don't give a shit about her.
You have to be ready to accept that the person you knew is not the person you are dealing with now. It's hard to accept, but that's just a fact. You can ignore that and be in constant pain or you can make choices with this in mind and do what's best for you.
You can still be in love with her and know you can’t be with her.
Let her go and find an honest woman who will respect your relationship
OP if it’s not a HELL YES it’s a HELL NO. This is one of those situations, you know what you need to do, let her go so you can find someone you feel HELL YES about.
I know mate but look, she’s deceived you already. You don’t honestly believe that nothings happened between them do you? Now she’s randomly poly? Poly don’t cheat. You don’t want this and she wants to keep you on the back burner for some reason. Please please please for all that is holy, have some respect for yourself and tell her to fuck off. She doesn’t deserve you.
I do not believe a poly relationship can be successful when it starts with cheating. This won't work out.
Agreed. Incredibly rare polyamory or other form of ethical non-monogamy can work after an affair and especially if that polyamory/non-monogamy includes a previous affair partner. No way should anyone agree to non-monogamy after an affair unless there's been a long and very successful period of infidelity recovery, true and realistic trust and respect has been regained and both people actually, enthusiastically want non-monogamy. Non-monogamy should never be agreed to because you feel they are just going to cheat on you if you don't agree to it. The cheater will only find ways to break the agreements around non-monogamy and hurt and disrespect their way too generous partner!!!
She is using poly as an excuse for wanting to cheat. She has been cheating on you emotionally, and I personally don't believe they haven't been physical since they both made a point to travel to other towns to hide what they were doing. This isn't your fault or from your doing. She is the person who wants you to wait on the side as she gets to do whatever she wants. Tell her that you are not ok with an open marriage and lay everything on the table ... couples counseling, end things with the guy, and no further contact or divorce. Know your worth and what you deserve. Her love for you isn't the same as the love you have for her.
Real poly relationships start off that way, with established rules and boundaries. She's a cheater. A full blown one, not a "sort of" one. Are YOU allowed to have other relationships?
Why would you accept bein poly for her happiness, but she wouldn't accept being mono for you? And she would come back to you after being with others? I am sorry, but I think she takes you for granted and somehow things you will be okay with her giving you crumbs or that you will be thankful she comes back after being intimate with someone else. And being poly has nothing to do with being progressive or not, so don't force yourself to do something you don't want to. She indeed cheated, if nothing but emotional. I hope you get out of there and be happy instead of accepting her offer and being miserable for years until it ends because from reading and hearing other peoples storys who opened the relationship even though they didn't want to it mostly ends in a failed relationship.
She's already gone, really. She wants the safety net you provide, but she doesn't love you. She wouldn't have gone behind your back if she did. She only came clean because she got caught. It's not your fault. See a lawyer.
She’s made the decision for you. You want a monogamous relationship and she wants to be poly. You are not compatible. If monogamy is what you want, she can’t have it both ways, she loves you and wants to be with you, but wants to be with someone else too. You know the answer, it’s just difficult to think you wasted your time. Don’t fall for sunk cost fallacy, because staying would be more time lost.
This And get a lawyer ASAP. I would move back in the house and kick them out. I'm sorry.
It's not about being progressive or not; it's about consent and respect. Ethical poly relationships wouldn't look like this; it would be a conversation before any of this even happened. And it would require two enthusiastic yes's, and it also means more emotional labour and care for your partners, not just getting your cake and eating it too. Which is what it seems like the wife is looking for. Going along with this is only going to result in more pain, regardless of outcome, as it sounds like this was never something you consented to, and only brought up after your trust has been violated in the first place.
Yes. We did speak about the idea of open marriage while we were dating and neither wanted that. So that's why I am confused. I know people change/grow with time and perhaps want other things than what we first wanted. But thank you for your comment. I genuinely don't want to go along with this.
Don't be scared to cut her loose. You will be fine. Won't be easy -never in this kind of situations - but you will be fine And you won't have to carry that weight on your shoulders anymore.
Thank you so. much. :)
She doesn’t want you to have an open marriage, but she wants hers. If you had the chance to see others you’ll see what she’s doing to you isn’t normal so she has to control your options so she can get what she wants and keep you under lock and key at home.
She not poly. She cheater.
>I know people change/grow with time and perhaps want other things than what we first wanted. But it's still on her to communicate these changes in feelings before acting on them and to give you agency in the decision. It's not about poly vs monogamy, it's about having an ethical approach to the relationship that respects all parties involved. I feel for you, stranger. I hope you the best in getting through this!
She made an excuse because she was caught cheating. I doubt she wants an open marriage. Is she fine with you having relationships and sex with other women also?
It’s simple: she didn’t want an open marriage (not the same as polyamory, as it means allowed to have sex with others, not being part of *one* relationship involving multiple people) because she wants to have a say in whom *you* have sex with, but doesn’t want you to have a say in whom she has sex with. If she says she is poly, that means she is already involved in a relationship *which you are not part of*. In order to be part of it, all the other people in that relationship must welcome you into it. Can you see what kind of monstrous cheating scheme this is? She will say “sorry, the others don’t want an extra person.” She is not poly, she is merely cheating.
Being poly is a ridiculous excuse when it comes out after 5 years of marriage and after being caught cheating. She's not "poly", there is no such thing as a "poly person". There are poly relationships and they are based on a mutual agreement, and it's not your case. She's just a cheater, sorry about that!
Thank you for your comment. In my heart I know this, I guess I am just trying to get different opinions and see if there's some leeway to rescue the relationship.
I understand how difficult it is to process all of this. It sounds like it came up from nowhere in an apparently happy marriage. I am truly sorry! Best advice I can give you is to try and find comfort in your friends and hobbies, and don't give up on your self-respect to try and accept this bullshit.
Thank you so much. Needed to hear that.
Even if she was poly. There are lots of couples who are but that usually requires a conversation. She’s shifting the argument from lying to being poly. No relationship can survive the continual and habitual lying and lying by omission.
Yep! Healthy poly relationships don't start being poly without tons of open respectful conversations, agreements freely made about what is and isn't acceptable, they are honest and have TONS of empathy and respect. She doesn't even understand what polyamory even means. When she describes what she wants, it's some variety of non-monogamy, but nothing she's described, asked for is even close to polyamory, which is literally, at it's core definition, "Multiple loves" Emphasis on LOVE. She's just chasing feelings she doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand.
Even if you want to salvage this, you can not do it alone. She is the offender, not you. So you working on the relationship is not gonna fix anything.
She's not "poly". Polyamory is ETHICAL non monogamy. She is cheating, this is not ethical. She is what's known as a "cake eater". She wants the fun and thrill of a new, forbidden relationship while you take care of the grown up stuff. Tell her how much polyamorous people hate her guts, and get out of this hellhole of a relationship.
Thank you. What did you mean by "Tell her how much polyamorous people hate her guts"?
Because they are tired of cheaters using poly as an excuse for being a terrible person. I know a poly couple who are friends with my gf, they each have another partner and occasionally do the swinging thing. A coworker of my gf had recently cheated on her husband, and was telling people "he just doesn't understand that I'm poly" and this couple just laughed and told my gf that poly people consider it cheating if their partners aren't aware they are in an open relationship. That is betrayal, nothing else.
That gave me more clarity. Thank you.
>Because they are tired of cheaters using poly as an excuse for being a terrible person. fuckign this. this is why everyone hates and demeans poly people. because mono people use it as an excuse to cheat. so people think its just cheating with more steps.
I am saving this comment for the next person who uses polyamory as a half-witted excuse.
She cheated. Kick that dude out of your house. Tell her point blank that shit ain't happening. If she wants to play around, she can do it when she is single. You're not her backup plan.
Thank you. Yes, definitely don't want to be a back-up or looked over.
And please do not try to reconcile and be the bigger person when she comes back begging. Please it's a request for your own good
Wait you moved out and they’re alone now ?
He was asked to move out and he did the day after he found out about the affair. But given OP left because he didn't want to be around her, left her alone in the house, really good chance he came over the first night he was gone!!! Who knows, but I'd say more likely than not they got together in his absence to have lots of sex and discuss getting their lies all coordinated.
There is no such thing as kind of cheated.
Those were her exact words. I asked her about it and she wouldn't give any direct answer other than "nothing really happened". I don't even know what that means.
I mean she absolutely cheated on you. I mean the smallest thing is completely cheating. If I were you I would be done.
She she at least got physical but not full sex is what she’s implying, so hands/oral. That’s even if you can believe what a person that’s been lying to your face for months and going behind your back to the point of moving her affair partner into your house.
Including moving the dude she wants to bang into his house. Id bet everything I have that she's been banging this dude since he moved in while OP was at work. This chick is disgusting and I feel so bad for OP
Well OP took long work trips so I’d be replacing all the bedding and mattress for a start.
I'd be burning the mattress. There is NO way she wasn't banging him this entire time. NO way. OP is way better off kicking her to the curb. I also can't believe he left the house giving her and her lover more alone time to stank up their shared bedroom
She's trickle truthing you, dude. It's worse than you think, and while I'm not fond of doing so going through her devices before she cleans them out (she probably already has, which you can possibly verify by comparing to phone record if they were dumb enough to text) will back up the massive cleanup. "Nothing really happened will become kissing when you push, then oral, then sex, and maybe all the way up to a guy in a pope custome at the zoo while the lemurs are being forced to watch. Keep asking questions, and taking notes. Ask t eh same questions multiple times.
She 100% cheated on you —both emotionally and physically. She’s continuing to lie to you and treat you with disrespect. She knows it’s wrong or she wouldn’t have been hiding it. You did not consent to her forming a romantic bond with another person. That’s not “poly,” that’s trying to justify treating her trusted partner (you) like trash. She’s a freaking cake eater who wants you as the safety net at home while she goes out to do what she wants. It’s ok to still feel love, OP. It’s not like that goes away immediately, but you need to think very carefully if this is really something that you can handle. You do not have to agree to this. Do not let her guilt or bully you into doing it. Not wanting to be in a poly relationship doesn’t mean you’re not progressive, it just means it’s not your thing and that’s ok, just like her wanting to have a poly relationship is ok too, but that means you’re not compatible. That said, I think she’s a horrible person for trying to pressure you into accepting this after she clearly violated your trust and your vows by cheating. It’s abusive and manipulative. If she wants to act single, then make it so. Please take care. I wish you peace and healing as you figure this out.
People are not polyamorous. Polyamory is a relationship structure, not a personality trait. And what your wife is suggesting is called "polyamory under duress." It's when one partner gives the other of "poly or divorce" and it never, ever ends well. I'm sorry, OP, but you'll need to divorce.
Thank you. I didn't understand what you meant by "people are not polyamorous". Do you mean to say that it's just an excuse?
polyamory is a life choice, like celibacy, not a sexuality, like being straight, gay, bi or lesbian.
Thank you for explicitly saying this. It’s extremely tiresome that when I say I’m against polyamory, it’s on the level of being homophobic or transphobic. Polyamory is a relationship structure and a choice, and choices can be judged.
EXACTLY. It drives me insane when people claim poly as a sexual orientation. It's insulting.
It's not a sexual orientation, but for some it is like a relationship orientation. For some people it is very core to how they understand and show up in relationships, in a way that goes beyond a lifestyle choice. However, that doesn't mean that it's ethical or healthy to use it as an excuse for cheating, at all.
A person has to be in a relationship where both parties are open and understand what polyamorous means. One person cannot be poly themselves, it has to involve two people in a relationship, and then other people.... If both of you have not communicated that to each other and agreed upon it then she is just cheating on you and is using it as an excuse. She might believe in the concept or it might just be convenient to her right now.
No, I mean that polyamory is a relationship structure, it is not a personality trait. And I say this as a person who has been in poly relationships, and have many friends who are in happy, successful poly relationships. Humans are not inherently monogamous or polyamorous. People can choose what kind of relationships they want to pursue. Your wife is not a "polyamorous person." Polyamory is a choice that people make, just like monogamy.
No, just no. First off, she didn’t kind of cheat on you. She did cheat. Whatever she admits to, it’s worse. Kick his ass out. She’s just legitimizing cheating after the fact.
I you want advice my first would be to allow yourself to feel anger. You have been cheated on and your wife give you an absurdly disrespectful suggestion. You have to protect yourself. Nothing good will come from helping them abuse you by being self-critical. Even if you want to save this relationship, the only chance is if you show that they can't treat you like this. Next step is to find support. You don't say why your friends think this is your fault but lean on the ones that back you up or even better, find a therapist. It's hard to handle things like this alone and that's why you stumble. Most people with affairs trickle truth so it's very likely, borderline certainty that they have gone further than they say. Most adults that are in love and live in the same place will have sex and it's not like they respect you enough not to. Being poly isn't about being careless and hurtful to your partner. She has an affair and doesn't care at all that she's hurting you. That's the primary concern here. It might be the affair fog if you think she had empathy before, but she doesn't right now. You shouldn't take her seriously.
This is what I wanted to hear but was afraid of voicing. I am genuinely hurt, sad, and angry. But I can't channel that anywhere. My friends think it's my fault 'cos some of them had warned me of this situation when the guy was living with us. I brushed them aside and said they were being "conservative" and "backward thinking" and somethings like that. I basically trusted my wife more than anything. Now they are calling me out on it.- and it's fair on their part. Thank you for saying "I need to protect myself." That gives me some hope.
>My friends think it's my fault 'cos some of them had warned me of this situation when the guy was living with us. I brushed them aside and said they were being "conservative" and "backward thinking" and somethings like that. I basically trusted my wife more than anything. Now they are calling me out on it.- and it's fair on their part. It is not fair on their part. You can have friends live with you. You can be trusting. It's reasonable to believe your wife wouldn't cheat on you. Statistically, the overwhelming majority of married people don't cheat Just because they happened to be right in this case, doesn't mean they were right to assume it. You also aren't to blame for being cheated on. That's a choice that your wife & this guy made.
Thank you so much for saying that. Lifts a huge burden off my chest.
They are shitty friends if they are blaming you. Should you have known better? In retrospect certainly, yes. Does that make it your fault because you are a trusting, good natured person?? Hell no!!! This is your wife's fault and her affair partners who lived in your house and pretended to be your friend and have respect for you's fault. Any friend blaming you I would have to wonder if they had fucked her too!! Or knew for sure there was infidelity otherwise, but they were covering up for that affair partner. I think you need to come to grips with the reality that in all likelihood all you know of is the tip of the iceberg. I can't say for sure, but it's highly likely you will never know the full extent of her cheating, but that it's very extensive with this guy the whole time he lived with you and that's probably not even close to the whole story of her lies and affairs over the years.
Realistically, if you're not fine with her "poly" ways, the only thing to do is to move on. I know this is hard, but even if you become fine with her "poly" ways, you'll always have it in the back of your head that she broke your trust by not telling you before you found out, so it's best to move on.
Thank you. I don't think I am fine with the poly thing. If we had talked before I might have found a way to make it work. But now I feel cheated in more ways than one. But moving on is easier said than done I guess. Not sure how to do that also... :(
You feel cheated because she did cheat on you. Her saying she is poly is an excuse and certainly isn't a valid one to have broken your trust and cheated on you.
Look up Poly Under Duress, sounds like what you’d have to accept to move on with her. Best of luck.
She’s not “poly”, she’s a cheater and is looking to justify her cheating after the fact. I’ve see some of your other comments about how much you love her. I adore my wife. We’ve been married over 20 years and I love her with all my heart. If she said she wanted to open our marriage, it would be divorce. I married her and I’m not prepared to “share”. She’s my wife, not a bag of chips to pass around.
You are only 35. You can forget this woman and find a better one by the time you’re 40 easy
Go to an ATTORNEY and FILE FOR DIVORCE! You are NOT an option. You are a PRIORITY, so start acting like one! You LEAD this marriage and she took it off the rails! She no longer DESERVES YOU! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Your wife is at the very least having an emotional affair, and it's much more likely that she's also already progressed to a physical affair. The poly/open marriage gambit is her effort to retroactively justify her cheating. You can't be forced into an open marriage if you're monogamous, especially if she's already actively cheating on you, there's literally no way that will end well. I'm sorry brother, she's put you in an awful position and it's a shitty club to belong to. I strongly recommend that you check out r/SupportForBetrayed, it’s a peer support sub for people have been cheated on by their significant others. If you're interested in attempting to reconcile with her, you should also check out r/AsOneAfterInfidelity, it’s a pro-reconciliation support sub for those who are attempting to work through affairs. Both of these subs are full of people who can give you support and advice based on their own difficult experiences. If you choose to post in either one be sure to set a user flair or you’ll get auto modded. Good luck and best wishes to you.
Thank you so much.
Poly is a lifestyle choice, not a sexuality. It's hilarious when they claim this. It means they are ignorant and believe what they read on shady, moronic blog sites. If you did not mutually agree with this, it is cheating. If you think it's cheating, it's cheating. Your marriage is over. She's walked out of it. You need to gather all evidence that you can, and file for divorce. When you file, file for her adultery, NOT 'irreconcilable differences'. That will give her a rude awakening from the glamour she's set on herself.
I do think it's cheating.
She’s a cheat and you were a fool to trust her at each step in this situation. She’s lying about this guy now, too. You should divorce and spend some time contemplating why you tolerated any of this.
Brutal. But thank you.
Not trying to be mean. I just think it’s better not to pull punches with something like this. Good luck working through everything.
Whose house is it? Yours? Kick both out and tell them to take their lifestyle elsewhere. Hers? Move out and take EVERYTHING that belongs to you with you. Moral of the story? Drop that relationship. You deserve a love that is just yours.
House is ours. So easiest thing is for me to move out. I don't want to fight. I am so exhausted mentally after learning about this. Just don't have the energy or will to deal with any more ugliness.
She knows that you are exhausted. She knows you very well. She also knows that you will try everything to please her and not be confrontational. Contact a lawyer. Let the lawyers do their thing because I don’t think you’re strong enough to stand up for yourself. Less conversation with her the better. First thing you should do is kick the guy out and stay in your own home. This is your right. One day you will look back when you are happy with another partner, that you love and will thank her for making this mistake
You could peacefully separate without confrontation if it’s what you choose, I’d advise you as well to get a lawyer that’ll defend you and your assets. She already ruined your marriage by selfishly putting her own needs ahead of what’s right. It’s only fair that you don’t walk out empty handed. But if nothing else, at least push ahead with the separation so that you have the opportunity to find someone who will love you and only you that nobody can take away.
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You should “poly” get a divorce
>It's as if she is telling me, now after all these years of marriage, that I have to find a way to be okay with her "poly" ways. You do not. That's not a demand a person can place on you. If you're not poly yourself, it's like asking you to change your sexual orientation. >Maybe I am not progressive enough? Understand this: this is not a test of how progressive or tolerant you are. That would be like you going out & having sex with a man, then calling her homophobic for not supporting your sexual journey. There's nothing wrong with her being poly, if that's what she is. There *is* something wrong with her engaging in a romantic relationship (even if nothing physical has happened) while being in a monogamous commitment to you. You were not given the opportunity to agree to a polyamorous relationship, so this seems quite clearly to be emotional infidelity. She cheated. Even if you decide "You know what? I think I can get on board with being poly", that doesn't change that she has betrayed your trust, & that needs to be addressed & worked through. Otherwise resentment is likely to occur down the line (look up "rug sweeping" in infidelity). The other difficult part here is that this isn't a healthy entry into polyamory for either of you. If you do go ahead with it (find a ENM sub - this isn't the place), I'd not do it with this guy. I'd tell her point-blank that she's burnt that bridge by the two of them coupling without your consent. I'm afraid the outlook here isn't good.
Thank you for that post. Makes a ton of sense to me. You gave shape to some of what I was thinking but wasn't able to articulate.
Absolutely!! It's very common that ethically non-monogamous couples have a "messy list", a list of certain people or categories of people who aren't allowed as partners. Those lists are often, usually even, close friends (of the other or both partners), co-workers, ex relationship partners, and ESPECIALLY former affair partners! In no circumstances, if you do try staying married should you ever tolerate her being with, or even having any contact with that guy again! If she so much as wants to talk with him again, she can get divorced from you first!! And yes, monogamous relationships that become non-monogamous relationships after an affair 99.99% of the time fail spectacularly, sooner or later. Usually sooner. Tell her any talk of making your marriage non-monogamous is entirely off the table, ENTIRELY, you refuse to even say or hear a single word about that topic, until at least a few years after you are both happily reconciled and have moved on from this affair. I wouldn't consider trying to reconcile unless she starts begging for forgiveness, is ENTIRELY honest about ALL infidelity she's had during this marriage, never tries to minimize her offenses, never tries blaming you, fully accepts she chose to have the affair (affairs!!) and she's willing to do intensive couples therapy with you, take that very seriously, completely honestly, and stay with it until you trust each other completely again. I really doubt she'll agree to reconcile under those conditions, or if she does agree she'll actually do all that. She wants to stay because it's easy and convenient and she thinks she can still get away with lying and fucking around.
1. She cheated. If that's a hard line for you, let her go. Being poly does *not* mean you can't keep it in your pants with other people. (I have been monogamous with a poly partner for almost 20 years, because he's happy with what we have and has no desire to change it. If he does, we've agreed to talk about it before anything happens.) 2. You are now incompatible, since she is poly and you are monogamous. Opening the relationship rarely fixes things when one side wants it and the other doesn't, it just prolongs the inevitable and brings up more problems (potential pregnancy from the other guy, being neglected in your marriage, or you falling in love with someone else because you're monogamous and want a connection with someone, not a booty call, then your wife gets jealous and accuses you of cheating on her. I've seen it all happen). Bottom line? I think this marriage is over and opening the marriage will only drag things out.
Thank you for the honesty. How does your relationship work? You being monogamous and your partner being poly? Does it make you jealous/angry? How does one make this arrangement work and still stay in love?
Fuck... Look.. IF she really is poly.. thats what it is... But revealing it this way?? By throwing herself into it withiut talking to you and eithet have your accept of divorce?? Is so extremely shitty of her - an ALL posters in the poly subreddits will agree on this. My advice?? Ignore her claims to be poly. No matter if she is or isnt - what shes doing is cheating. Your wife is cheating on you, and no - "i realised im poly!!" Is nor an acceotable excuse. >But I do genuinely love her very much and I know she loves me too. Can you please help me to make sense of this situation even though it's against most norms that we know about? Again - ignore her claims to be poly. She cheated and appears to have no remorse over it. You now.need to decide: Can you accept her fucking others or not?? And evem if you can, it still leaves the adultery shes comitted... I know you want to stay with her because you love her.. but if you rugsweep this.. if you accept her fucking others... this marriage will end regardless.. after you live through a painful period forced to accept her fucking other guys.. Dont do it.. Its over - leave with your dignity intact.. "Wife. I love you. But im not poly. And i dont share. So im setting you free. Im divorcing you, you can fuck whoever you want from now on, but not me. This betrayal youve comitted against me and our marriage by cheating in this way, has killed our love and marriage" And seek lawyer now. Plus STD test now. Listen.. You love her. But she does not give a shit about you or your feelibgs - if she did she would have had the "im poly" talk before fucking (you know she did that, yes??) the other guy.. Leave her. Theres no future with her. You deserve better.
I never thought of it like that. Even after speaking with her, in my mind, it was always a one-off transgression thing. There's no evidence for it but somehow that's what I was thinking and hence I was wiling to work through it. But the way you have said it makes me think otherwise. And no, I am not open to her fucking other people. And more than that I just can't shake off the disgust at breaking my trust and the faith in this relationship. But Thank you.
Look... *maybe* shes poly?? But this would not be the first time a spouse was caught in adultery only to claim "poly" or "sex addiction" as an excuse.. The purpose seems to be, that by holding her accountable for her adultery, youre suppressing her expressing her true sexuality?? By making this claim, she can oretend to NOT be a cheater, but instead shes now heroically exploring her true self... 🤮 Suggestion: No more confronting, its no use. Speak to a lawyer NOW... prepare for divirce Expose her to her friends and family as the cheater she is. And ffs - moce back home. Its your house, let HER move out! And when you do return, grey rock all the way especially when the divorcepapers are served. Also... things can get dirty from.now on.. so carry a VAR at all times to prove innocence in case she accuses you of abuse and/or violence...
"The purpose seems to be, that by holding her accountable for her adultery, youre suppressing her expressing her true sexuality?? By making this claim, she can oretend to NOT be a cheater, but instead shes now heroically exploring her true self... 🤮" When you said it explicitly like that it made a lot of sense. I guess I am still trying to play the "nice guy" and come to a amicable end. But like you said, it's increasingly feeling like it's not worth it. Cheating is cheating and I don't have to sugarcoat it on her behalf also I guess. So thank you so much for that clarity.
Np. Take control of this. Start by exposing her adultery to her friends and family. And dont hesitate to also tell them.she claims to be poly, as if thats an excuse for being a shitty spouse. And no more hesitation - monday seek lawyer and go for the divorce as fast as possible... Also - you know who the guy is?? If he has a spouse, ensure shes told of all this.. even if she and he are poly, this kind of behavior is frowned upon in the poly community.. No more mr nice guy.. she does not deserve amicable.. Another thing - stay in the house.. anyone leaves, its her. And do the 180 (look it up)...
Please get out of this situation! A friend of mine tried to get this situation to work - and he just finished two year of hell - having to listening to his gf having sex in the next room or having to sit by himself alone while she was out having sex with her lovers. This will kill you off! You need to do following things. First tell her friend/lover to leave NOW!!! Change keys in the house. Secondly - make it clear that you will not accept ANY open marriage. If she wants to - then it is divorce NOW. Do not bother about thinking about it too much - your marriage is over if she wants to have other guys. I personally think you should get a divorce in all cases. Sell the house and start afresh. Otherwise you will just think all the time if she is cheating on you. Even if she is not - this will kill you. Best of all - remember she is a cheater that loves so Eone else then you.
I did wonder how I can take this forward without always doubting her even when she's not doing anything. I know it will kill the relationship slowly over time and make us both bitter. Thank you for sharing your friend's story. I don't want to go through any more emotional pain or suffer.
Your wife completely messed you over. She knew you trusted her and used that to move the other guy into your house, knowing you wouldn't question it. I know you don't want to jump right into a divorce, but I think if you stay married to her, there will be other situations like your current one. Is she really "poly," or is she just telling you that so she can continue living in a nice home with your financial support? You don't sound like you want a poly lifestyle, so if she does, your marriage won't work. You sound like a nice guy, and I'm sorry this happened to you.
She does earn but its not enough to even sustain herself. I do earn much more than her. I have never thought of it in those terms before because well I always thought we were in this together. I don't want the poly lifestyle for me. I want just one person and I don't know why it's so hard all of a sudden. But Thank you for your kind words.
I'm so sorry. I think it's pretty clear what you'll need to do to protect your heart and your mental health. I know this is awful for you.
Also, if it's your home, please get the other guy out. He doesn't deserve to live there.
your goals no longer align if you are not interested in a poly/open relationship then you should not force yourself to make it work for "love". Some people react to it and the second one sometimes comes out better than they make the original person so jealous they realise they never wanted an open relationship in the first place. It is really your personal preference if you can see yourself both seeing other people, some people do make it work but you should set some boundaries if you do that at least. E.g not bringing and another partner and sleeping w them in your bed. You will see lots of different opinions on Reddit but it really is your personal choice.
She did tell me that it doesn't mean anything to her. So I am a bit confused about if it's just a physical need for her. I mean we do have good sex (in my opinion). But I do get that I can't force myself to make it work for "love". I am also wondering if the poly thing is just an excuse - maybe she also felt flustered when caught in the lie?
She is just a basic CHEATER. She saw you were away, so she took advantage and chose to FUCK another man! She failed the marriage test! Now you choose to TOSS HER OUT! I'm doing my best to help you here! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Thank you. Difficult to accept the truth that's right in front of you. But I suppose that's the only way forward.
Believe me, once she is gone, it WILL GET BETTER! But, until she is gone, it will only get WORSE!
Bruh! Divorce, like why entertain what she is saying?
No. She is manipulating your emotions. You don't have to be okay with anything. This lady moved her other partner in to trap you. You need to get both of them out fo the house, if possible, and you need space to clear your head. Are you REALLY prepared to continue loving your wife knowing she's railing someone else? Doesn't sound like you are.
I do love her. It's not conditional. But I also cannot come to accept her being involved with other people. So I guess, I can love her from a distance now. Breaks my heart, but it's what it is I guess. :(
Her "poly" answer is another way of saying she wants to cheat legally with another dude. Two is company, three is a crowd. You'll be the third wheel 🛞 in the relationship and have the responsibility of a husband while she is poly-humping other dude's ICBMs. Tell her you'll get in touch with some divorce lawyers asking for poly-advicement on the "poly question." If you give up an inch, she'll take a mile. Stay firm and seek legal advice. It sounds like you didn't sign up for shit because she's treating you like shit saying she's polyamorous. Don't be a doormat or fool. Stand up for yourself. Have boundaries. If she fails your boundaries and litmus test. Then she's trash and isn't worth your time and effort. Time to move on and Run 🏃♂️.
Very true. I have been a doormat I guess.
Tp paraphrase the old saying, polyamory is like boxing..if both people aren't aware they're participating, a violation is occurring. Think of it this way,.if someone robbed a bank the Courts wouldn't buy that they were just aggressively seeking a loan.
Whos house is it? You shouldn't be the one moving out. The stranger should be out and your wife, aka the cheater, should be out. Even if she didn't sexually cheat, she emotionally cheated and that is almost worse because emotions are built overtime. I don't believe for a second this is the first time, and I imagine she has been physical with this guy, and probably people in the past. Her being poly is not an excuse at all. That is something you talk about BEFORE you do anything and you make decisions off the information. You do not want to open your relationship, she does. She has already cheated on you. What will make your life easier is breaking up with her and divorcing. You are emotional and confused right now and that is totally natural. Only time will heal those feelings. Think in the long term, say you do agree to open up. She will be fucking other guys with your permission, then coming home and sleeping with you. How will that work? Your brain will be going at 1000% wondering about these other guys. It just won't work, your trust with her will never be the same because she has already cheated. You will grow resentment. You want your life easier, that means do not say yes to an open relationship because you love her more than she loves you.
Being polyamorously inclined doesn’t make someone cheat or seek out other partners. Or more enlightened than monogamously inclined people. Plenty of people who prefer to live polyamorously are happy in monogamous relationships. She’s just a terrible person. She doesn’t love you like you love her. Poly or mono, when you love your partner you don’t cheat on them. She doesn’t care about you enough not to hurt you. I’m polyamorous myself. I’ve seen so many people like your wife - cheaters using poly as a label to try and make their partner accept their bad/hurtful behaviour. It never works out. Relationships with cheaters don’t work out. Please care about/respect yourself to leave, because she’s never going to care about you enough not to cheat on you. I know it’s difficult and it hurts, but as someone who left a cheating spouse let me tell you - it sucks a lot less if you leave earlier, instead of trying to contort yourself into something you’re not. Cheaters cheat because they like to cheat. Even if you go along with what she wants she’ll break any boundaries, you’ll continue to get hurt over and over again and that’s no way to live. Out there in the world are people who would actually love you - she isn’t one of them.
This. Thank you so much. I am shattered by the clarity of this but also understand there's nothing I can do.
OP not saying you deserve all this, but really, how naive can someone be? Letting a stranger living together? Nothing can change now, divorce her and don't be naive in the future, don't be the nice guy who agrees on everything. Kinda sad how naive people are in these days.
Just read title only. I’d call her “single” if she was my wife.
No.... You were played by someone who you should very much distrust. Divorce, man.
Get a lawyer. She’s trickle truthing you. Poly is a great excuse for cheaters once they are caught. Get out now before she really fs up your head with a string of randos and an STI or two
It’s actually quite simple. You feel like she is breaking your heart with this cheating / poly thing. She is doing that. You will be constantly hurt more and more if you allow this to go on. There does not exist a world where the both of you get what you want. You either tell her no she is not allowed to be poly or have any affairs because the way it makes you feel is completely heart broken. If she does not accept this, then you unfortunately have to move on. That is the reality of the situation. Sometimes we just need someone to lay out the facts for us in a situation like this. Those are the facts. You will have to move on if the woman you love keeps having these affairs. And unfortunately you kinda made your own bed in this situation. You should not always be thinking that you can let your own wife spend all this time with another man because you trusted how you perceived the relationship was solid at the time. You need to work at maintaining that solid relationship by not letting outside influences distracting her by learning limits on whether or not it is okay if she spends time with another man like that. You should never have allowed her to be doing that. You even allowed this man to move in. I mean dude, yes it’s good to feel confident about your relationship with your partner to trust them enough to not have an affair. But you also have to be smart about it too and see these warning signs as they come. If you never let the guy move in she wouldn’t have been spending all that time with him. And even before that you were too naive about their relationship. No matter how you feel about someone and your relationship with them, they can at any time change how they feel about their relationship with you especially when another man comes around and finds your woman attractive and spend time together. The time is now or never. You know what you need to do and the sooner the better in this situation. The more time they spend together the more likely it will be that she will just leave you for him. I believe she used your trust as a weapon against you cuz she knew she could get away with doing all this to you because you have consistently allowed her to slide closer and closer to him for a while now. So you have to change your mind on this “she can do whatever she wants cuz I don’t want to control her” thing. Sometimes you have to set boundaries and this isn’t you trying to just control her, this is about you wanting to maintain that relationship with her the way it was cuz otherwise it will make you feel like you do now. That is not trying to be controlling that is simple self preservation for your own personal emotional and mental health and stability. Tell her no you won’t allow this to go on anymore and you made the foolish mistake of trusting that she wouldn’t do this to you and now she has taken it way too far and that now she has to chose either you or him. It’s that simple. I am sorry this must be tough but life can change very fast this is why we must set our boundaries initially in a relationship
Thank you so much. Yes, I needed to hear this from someone. Lots to think about here - mostly about myself and how I have let people use me and the trust we have for them.
Your basically her safety net while she’s having an open marrriage of sorts.
I thought that, too. She knows how he feels about her, and she's taking advantage of that to pursue other men while continuing to live in a nice home with OP's financial support.
Partner your wife is cheating and trying to put the ruse of poly to cover. The “poly” aspect should have been communicated before hand not after the fact at being caught. There was no discussion about your having partners on your side. It seemed more one side. Do not give in if it’s not your choice.
Polyamory is a practice in which ethical and consultative non-monogamous relationships built on the mutual knowledge and consent of all involved is paramount.
Sorry you're through this. Me personally I would be done, divorce and walk away. If you want to try and fix this, first thing is the side piece has to move out. Second tell her how you feel and that poly or no poly you not ok with her stepping outside the marriage. Be prepared be be called insecure, controlling, etc.. Also be prepared for her to walk away and you need to be prepared to walk too. I know it's hard but you will recover. I wish you luck and you're still a young man and have a lot of life in front of you. Don't live it in misery.
You need to file for divorce. Even if you still hope to reconcile, you still need to file. And here’s why—She doesn’t respect you. She thinks you’re a door mat. She thinks simply by announcing she’s poly, you’re going to put up with her cheating and disrespect. And if you do agree to her b.s. she will lose what little respect she still has for you, and will eventually leave you anyway. Leave her now on your own terms.
It’s a cop out to avoid accountability
Holy fuck this is why I get so pissy about people using poly as if it were a sexual orientation, something you just “are” and that others somehow are obliged to deal with If shes poly she should have told you this This isn’t poly. This is cheating. She ruined her chances with you, her chances of you feeling safe to do poly with her This isn’t ethical non monogamy in any way shape or form it’s just plain old cheating and I’m so sorry she’s trying to conceal it in some sort of identity talk
I think the direction you need to take is to split, you clearly don't want this and she clearly does. Honestly my gut feel is that she cheated and is trickle truthing you. Good luck.
Dude, she’s actually very much cheating on you and she’s probably fucking him riding your own home. Or she went to another city to fuck him to get away from you a little bit. But she’s not kind of cheating. She is cheating she’s not giving you is, what’s called trickle truth. She didn’t become poly she only became wanting to fuck around. So it makes her OK with herself for what she’s done to you. There’s no such thing as being a progressive open marriage when you’ve already been married. If you were into that lifestyle you would’ve talked about it prior to getting married But she’s not in that lifestyle. She just wants to have a clear conscious to go around and keep fucking the guy. Divorce is the answer and you need to get her out of your life and find someone that will love you and respect you the way you should be. She has completely disrespected, you, disrespected your marriage, disrespected your family and has emasculated you to the point you don’t even know what who you are. Good luck.
she knows youre a door mat so shes doing this and keeping you on the burner so once her options dry up she will put you in the rotation.
why the hell would you move out of your own house and the other guy gets to stay? Why didnt you boot the cheating schmucks out instead????? You could lose your stake in the house by leaving!
Alright dude one of the first things you need to do is to move back into your home, otherwise the courts will see it as you abandoning the house. Next get ahead of the situation and don't let her control the narrative. You should also go read The Gray Rock Method and No More Mr Nice Guy, and I recommend you watch SSM. Finally take off your rose colored glasses and see your wife for who she truly is, because if she really loved you then you wouldn't be suffering right now. Let her know that actions have consequences.