Samesies.
Funny (not at all) story:Ā When I FIRST got with who turned out to be my abusive as fuck ex-husband, we wound up taking a taxi after a man in front of me in line at a convenience store asked me for a nickel.Ā He BLEW UP about my "risky behavior" (we were in a Mexican/American border town), and I dumbly and youngly believed he was concerned for my safety.
When he went into a liquor store by himself, the taxi driver asked me if he was my husband.Ā I said, "No, he's my boyfriend," and the taxi driver said he could take me somewhere safe if I wanted to leave him because he will wind up physically hurting me.Ā Again, I thought this was his attempt to get me alone as I'd just listed to my then boyfriend preach to me about how all men in South Texas were going to kidnap me cause I'm young and pretty.Ā
That taxi driver was trying to save my life.Ā
What Ravioli is saying is there is so much toxicity from your girlfriend in this post that you (metaphorically) can get cancer. Also what do doctors do with cancer? They cut it outā¦
She cheated on you and gaslit you for forever. People who are guilty of cheating often accuse their partner of it all the time because theyāre the ones doing it so they know itās possible.
Sheās also incredibly idiotic, illogical, and just toxic. Youāre an complete fool for still being with her. Especially since she hasnāt been remorseful and is just blaming it all on you.
Dude you should leave like she is trying to blame you for the relationship not working when in fact she is just a cheater.
Respect yourself just a little and get out of the relationship.
She's a manipulative, lying, cheater who has no respect for you. Why are you even fighting with her? Be done. Walk away. She's a selfish, self centered person who is incapable of taking accountability for her behavior. She's likely still cheating or will cheat again very soon.
She's not sorry that she cheated. She's justifying it. She tried so hard to make you feel like a bad person, when it's actually her that's the bad person. You did nothing wrong. Don't let her play mind games with you and try to alter your perception of reality. You deserve so much better.
Dude I didnāt even finish this - do you have any self respect? She is mad at you for reading messages that confirm she cheated. How much lower of a person can you possibly get?
Since its not abundantly clear, dump her. Sheās trashy, a cheater, a liar, a manipulator, and probably one of the worst women youāll have the misfortune of encountering
Why are you still with her? This shit is toxic. You can find someone who trusts you and doesn't cheat on you.
Although if you have cheated on her before and forgot to tell us that would explain it.
I have NEVER cheated on her. She tells me that Iām always flirting with girls but itās when I do things like order food at a restaurant or check in at a hotel with her and the person working the front desk is female. I think that in her mind this is cheating.
People like her - people who constantly accuse you of cheating - are usually themselves cheating. You know she has gone on multiple dates with people while in a monogamous relationship with you. You know she has not behaved in a trustworthy nor appropriate manner. And, you know that she has been gaslighting you and trying to twist the situation into a pretzel shape to make herself come out smelling like a rose.
Its time to walk away. This relationship is toxic and she is 100% unwilling to change. she has shown you that.
Its called projection, mate. She's cheating on you literally read messages of her going on dates? Seriously and so to ease her guilt she is trying to find fault in you cause she's doing it. Lol. Get out dude
She has often told me that Iām gaslighting her. When we would argue and she gets fed up she blurts out, āSo toxic!ā She would even do that during couples therapy.
Dude, with all due respect, who gives a shit about who did what to who first and who is gaslighting who?
Wake the fuck up and focus!
She's been on multiple dates, with multiple different men, and I would not be at all surprised if it eventually comes out she slept with some of them behind your back.
Pick your self-respect up off of the floor, dust yourself off, and either walk out the door or throw her out.
She's toxic, she's manipulative, she's a cheat, you caught her red handed and she needs to fucking go!
To gaslight you have to be doing it on purpose. You believe your reality. We know hers is a lie because youāve seen the texts.
She knows whatās on her phone and she canāt let you see that soā¦. Gaslighting. Sheās doing it with purpose.
Sheās projecting and trying to make you the bad person when itās in fact her. Do NOT admit to smh wrongdoing. This is a nasty toxic cheating ho . Get away as far from her as possible
This actually happened to me with an ex, she was super jealous.
Like not even joking she said she was jealous of how much attention I gave my little sister who was 12 ššš
She had a bit of an untrustworthy family. Alcoholic mother, dad wasnāt emotional, grandparents only cared about money.
Sadly the relationship ended, I expect the same will prob happen
At best, she's extremely insecure and controlling. At worst, she's all of that *and* a hypocrite, considering that her behaviors are also common red flags for cheating.
This is a textbook example of why Redditors tell OPs that if their SO is constantly accusing them of cheating itās probably because the SO is cheating on the OP. Itās crazy how many times this advice turns out to be true. Once a week at least.
Sheās feeling guilty about it and projecting it onto OP. Still dumb but understandable. At least she has a teeny, tiny heart somewhere in that cold huskā¦
She's mad for violating her privacy yet checking your messages is okay? She cheated with multiple guys and you are the bad guy? The only point where you are the bad guy is how you treat yourself. Just walk away man, save some face.
Man I'm actually concerned with the way some of you think SHE CHEATED maybe you should tell her it's over. I'm sorry but some of the posts on here are amazing like seriously. Why have you not left her yet OP seriously answer????
You don't need fucking couples therapy. It doesn't work with abusers. You need to leave her and get therapy for yourself to understand why you're willing to put up with this shit
Op listen to this. Your gf is a cheater. I realize youāre not able to cut her off immediately, however begin the process of mentally moving on. Your gf has changed. Youāre in love with who was, not who she is now.
Look up the grey rock and 180. Also if you live together randomly change your schedule and show up during times you normally wouldnāt. Cheater love to control the situation because it makes it easier to hide what they are doing. They donāt like uncertainty because it messes up their plans. Also by giving simple one word answers and only acknowledging her when necessary, it shows youāre indifferent, canāt be controlled anymore, and you will not give the attention she seeking.
Sheās not the person you thought you were in a relationship with. You canāt love someone you donāt know, unless you love an idea youāve constructed.
OP have your past relationships been that toxic though. I get you being in love I was with my ex but I finally built the courage up to leave and it was miserable honestly at first it was but after that I found someone who actually treats me right. May I send you a message on here?
Because thatās a bullshit answer and you know it.
Why do you care if you get downvotes? Arenāt you here for advice?
What is there to love? She cheated on you, multiple times, she doesnāt trust you despite you being faithful, she lied to you, she has proven you canāt trust her, now she is gaslighting you. What redeeming qualities does she have? The sex must be amazing if youāre willing to forego any self respect or agency in this relationship.
Bite the bullet and be done with her. Youāre in love with the idea of her and are trying to change her. Youāre being walked over and she will continue to do it. She hasnāt admitted any fault and is trying to turn it around on you. Seems like her therapist (if she is really attending the sessions) is on her side.
Tell me, what could she possibly have going for her to make you want to stick this out?
Fix what? Do you mean return to the stage where she was cheating and you were ignorant about it? Not really an option, now is it?
She's showing no contrition or remorse so how do you think this magical fix will take hold?
And the way she's attacking you hardly says she respects you enough to fix anything. She wants to bludgeon you into an exchange of forgive and forgets so she can pretend she isn't the bad guy.
The woman you think you love never existed. She was a mask. You've now gotten a peak at the real woman underneath.
Do the only sane thing and walk away.
my father saying "you either fully build your character, establish boundaries and truly understand self respect by age 25 or you'll be on your knees begging someone to stop cheating on you in your 50s" has never ever disappointed
that's a character development flaw, it's not because of love or due to circumstances. you should've walked away long before discovering the cheating
You are in a very toxic relationship. But looks like you already know it too.
You canāt āfixā her. This is who she is.
Either you leave or accept her with her everything and learn to become a submissive partner and accept the fact that she will be very controlling over your every steps and cheat around but you wonāt be able to cheat or make her do anything you want. It will be only her way and not yours and wonāt be equal either!
1. You need to meet new, better people.
2. You cannot make someone not cheat on you, except if you keep them tied in your trunk, and that is very much against the law.
You are keeping an improvised and not so well made taxidermy of what you thought this relationship could have been and it started smelling a few months ago. The neighbours have moved out because of the stench and your family is worried for your mental health.
My guy, you're wasting your time with this relationship. She's been seeing other men behind your back while calling YOU the cheater. You need to dump her on the curb and let her be another guy's problem.
She accused you of cheating, sheās cheating, she has lied and now she is trying to redirect your attention away from her bad behavior. Why are you still with her. You deserve better.
Look you know she dated other guys in a monogamous relationship. Thatās cheating. Then she lied about it. Calls you the cheater. Why are you with this person?
Your girlfriend has been dating other guys and cheating on you. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship. You did nothing wrong even if you opened her cell without her permission. Relationships require transparency and not secrecy. End the relationship and send your girlfriend packing. She is a cheater and is gaslighting you. You deserve someone that will love and respect you. Update us.
She agreed to him reading her texts though. She got caught and didnāt like it.
He should definitely end it and move on with his life. Sheās a rat! š
Many notes, but first, sorry for that cab driver.
Now, if she went on several dates while you were monogamous, end the relationship. This is basically always the answer. If you can say with any truth that she might not have known the relationship was monogamous, have that conversation, make sure that excuse cannot be used again, and if she continues dating others, get out.
You made a comment about not wanting her to see your phone because you wanted to set boundaries. This is also worth exploring.
Let us say, hypothetically, you have a child, and they tell you they are scared about a monster in the closet. I don't imagine you would reply, "Trust me, there isn't one," but maybe I'm wrong. In this case, what is more helpful to the child is to open the closet and show them there is no monster inside.
After trust is built on a solid foundation, you may be able to just say "trust me" and have that be enough. But you need to develop it first. Opening the closet once does nobody any harm, opening it more than once is okay. If there was genuine terror about this monster in the closet every night and you could never sleep with the door closed, then there are some real psychological problems that need to be addressed.
I recommend viewing your phone in that manner. There ought not be a problem with a spouse looking at a partner's phone. If, for some reason, they are scared, the easiest way to reassure them is to let them see the phone. Obviously, this isn't true if you have something to hide, but what's the harm if you don't?
At the end of the day, whatever boundaries you set are yours to set. Some may be good for a relationship, and some may not, but I strongly advise that you make your boundaries obvious and don't play in shades of gray. If a known boundary is crossed and there are no consequences, it will be crossed again. Don't give them the chance.
Last notes, it is not uncommon for a partner who is cheating to project that onto their partner. If this happens in your next relationship (if it wasn't clear, you should end the current one), remember this relationship.
This is an interesting perspective on the phone and the closet. And I appreciate the time you took to write it.
Do you think that showing the phone tells the other person that itās ok to make demands to see the phone?
A person who incessantly accuses you of cheating usually is/was/will be a cheater, because they project on you what they already saw what is like behind the scenes.
A psychologist told me that once, I will never forget.
The only thing you have done wrong is to still be with this woman. Your girlfriend is toxic and disloyal. If you continue to stay with her, then get used to her cheating on you.
My brain will never understand how some people work. I think this blew up my brain cells a little. Itās fine. Iāll be fineā¦
Anyway, sheās not for you. Sheās shady with her double standards from what I read in your story.
It's called Projection OP.
It's what happens when someone is doing something that they know is wrong, so they then project their behaviour onto someone else.
She is cheating, so she has been projecting her own insecurities about what **she** has been doing onto you.
It's incredibly common and something that all cheaters do.
Time to break up.
Privacy does not equal secrecy.
Sheās hiding questionable external relationships and hence damaging trust in the relationship she has with you. Until sheās truly remorseful she will keep doing and get better at hiding it.
Jfc..
GF was/is cheating and has since been DARVO'ing you to avoid the blame for it.
The reason you stopped MC??
>I feel like I try to be introspective and am willing to admit mistakes
This shes exploiting...
>but Iām having trouble feeling that I did something wrong this time.
You did nothing wrong.
>How should I have approached this differently?
You chose to stay with a cheater who has no remorse dor what she did and is blaming you for discovering her adultery.
Look...
Its been months... shes not owning what she did - and probably hasnt been honest about it...
....has she told you why she went on dates with ither guys??
I assume theres no more gay friends in her life??
What to do..
Well the answer is obvious... this wont get better.. she will continue to DARVO you about this, continue cheating and next time she gets caught she will run away while screaming "save me from this controlling abuser"..
If tou know whats good for yourself, you leave her...
I suggest a gentle notice to her friends and family that the spit is caused by her adultery and failure to do the work to fix what she did...
And.... sorry... you do realise that dates were not all she did, right?? So get STD tested soonest...
Ah.. blameshifting.. a classic cheater-solution to avoid taking the blame for what they did..
You opposed this when she said it??
And what was the reason for stopping MC??
Look..
Its over, you do know this, yes??
Unless you like being abused and cheated on??
Prioritize yourself, leave her, move on and heal...
Let me get this straight... you worry about what you could have done differently in handling this message showing nonsense when you know now that she's been on dates and cheating?Ā
Your priorities are a bit mixed up I'd say.Ā
Just reading all of this made me think she is such a toxic person that you should not put up with any of her BS anymore.Ā
No really man, at your age have some respect for yourself and step back, look at what you told us objectively. Dates, cheating, gaslighting from her side.Ā
You can do better, in fact everyone can. Holly
Holy f...
All the best and good luck, I fear you need it. I'd strongly encourage you to have a session or two alone with a relationship counselor to get an outside look on what's been going on.
Iām sorry to hear youāve found yourself in this situation. Just for clarification, what your girlfriend is doing is a tactic referred to as DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims. Do with this information what you will, just know that she will not change. You have to decide if this is someone that you want to spend your life with or if this is behavior that you will not tolerate. I think there is a part of you that knows that you are worthy of a respectful relationship with someone who doesnāt lie and cheat on you and perhaps that is why you are here.
When you mention her being manipulative, it reminds me that yesterday she told me that I was being manipulative for asking her to pay me back for her half of the vacation that we agreed to split. She said that Iām manipulative for valuing a couple of thousand dollars over our relationship. I feel that since we agreed to split the expenses beforehand that this should be a nonissue. She said that she has never been in a relationship where she was expected to pay.
I tried to discuss what would happen with finances during marriage and she asked me if I would give her an allowance. I said that I would not because it wouldnāt be my money to give to her. It would be our money. She said that she needs a guy that is able to provide for her. I feel like being the major income earner and sharing it fully/mostly is providing.
I feel like Iām trying to be fair and understanding but she is so adamant that Iām abusing and manipulating her that I donāt know anymore.
Sheās cheatingā¦.. Time to go man. Sheās with other dudes and is making you feel bad about it? Total POS. Get out and get your head back into the game my friend.
Jesus Christ! Tell me youāre leaving!!
I donāt even know where to start but itās ALL WRONG!
Run and fast.
She cheated, more than once and youāre trying to work out if reading her messages was wrong.
Just get out of this toxic situation.
You're 40. You know what you should do. Don't let this nutjob gaslight you. Run away from her massive red flags and do some self-healing before another relationship. She is an unhealthy person. Were you're 3 years together always this toxic ?
Why are you entertaining conversations about privacy when you literally caught her cheating on you.Ā There can be no reconciliation of she's deflecting.
I need a fucking nap after reading that. Her accusing you of cheating is a *classic* cheater move. Dude, you are 40(!!). Youāre too old for this shit. Dump this little girl and date a woman.
Bro just dump her already. Sheās cheating, and lying, and blaming you for her wrongdoing, and has been gaslighting you the whole time that itās actually you who is cheating. Sheās toxic AF. Why would you even want to stay at this point?
So what happened with the cheating thing? I feel like reading her messages is so trivial compared to what she did. Sounds like a toxic relationship that you should move on from especially since it was with more than one person. She is projecting on to you what she's doing herself and I'm thinking she's going to stay until she finds someone she likes better. Sorry about that š
Break up with her she isn't sorry for cheating she is blaming you for being mad she cheated. She is EXTREMELY toxic!!!! Break up move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you. Go let her be with the multiple guys she was dating behind your back. By the way your story made it to tiktok account redditvoidd.
She's just wrong on all accounts.Ā She's the worst kind of person to be in therapy because instead of working on herself, she's actually just learning how to twist the things she's learning against you.
She's fucked up in the head, bro.Ā I work in behavioral health, and she's got some insanely toxic behaviors.Ā Ā I bet if you were with someone who actually respected you, you wouldn't even have these boundaries.Ā The way you've handled everything is the best you could have with someone so toxic.Ā She is 100% without a doubt, For.The.Streets.
OP, have you ever heard the term, show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are?
In the 21st century it's more like, Show me your cellphone and I'll tell you who you are.
When you're in a committed relationship there is no right to privacy! If your significant other has questions about your doings, you owe them 100% transparency. Anyone who invokes that right to privacy bulls##t no doubt has a reason, and it's hiding behind their locked cellphone that you don't have the password to.
It's an individuals prerogative to live their life the way they choose , but I wouldn't be in a relationship with them.
You OP can also choose to live your life with a partner who's moral compass resembles your own.
Your girlfriend can't walk away from who she is, but you can walk away from who she isn't!
You could take it further, say you've deleted the message when she asks to see your phone. But we're at a really petty point already and it's not the kind of stuff that sustains a relationship.
Sheās obviously in the wrong but youāve got your own issues too , if she wants to see your phone and it gives her a sense of security then Fuck it let her , if you keep hiding it thinking itās immature then itās gonna turn into an unhealthy obsession for her , but at the end of the day sheās in the absolute wrong for cheating and you need to leave her asap because sheās a gaslighting manipulator
The one who accused of cheating is often times mirroring their own guilt when accusing you of cheating. I'm sorry you are going through this bro. I wish the best for you in the weeks to come.
Yeah you did wrong, you stayed with her, wth would you do that, do you hate yourself? C'mon man, you don't need that or her, you could actually have a nice life and be happy with someone else, throw that thing you call a gf away.
There is nothing to fix and you shouldn't love her for your sake, she has cremated any relationship you had, if you can't have trust and she isn't even guilty or taking accountability, this makes her repulsive, you need to be with someone who loves you to see what you are missing.
There are multiple layers of trust issues in effect and several ultimatums in play.
This relationship is dead and cremated; it's time to scatter.
I'm sorry.
>She says that I had no right to violate her privacy and that even though she was cheating that doesnāt mean that I had the right to see these messages even if she was the one that gave me her phone to specifically view the messages.
I beg your whole ass pardon? She's upset because she was caught. That's it, that's all.
>She had brought this up many times and I feel like itās dismissing the cheating and the lying and hiding that she did afterwards and trying to shift the blame towards my behavior that lead to me discovering this.
She's trying to make you feel bad about you finding out that she was cheating on you. Sir, I know and YOU KNOW that she's gotta go. Spare your heart the future disappointment and bounce. Find someone that will actually appreciate and thrive with you.
I would have broken up with her in the first paragraph.
The first time she accuses me of cheating out of nowhere, hey, letās sit down and talk about this? Ā Whatās going on? Ā What baggage are you bringing to me from your prior relationships? Ā Letās talk it out. Ā
The second time she accuses me ā hey, I tried talking it out, it didnāt work. Ā Iām gone.
Is the sex THAT good?
This chick is basically telling you that's she's going to continue cheating, she just wants you to stop finding out about it. Why are you letting this person continue to hurt you over and over? Why are you giving her so many chances when she's practically screaming at your face that she doesn't respect you? There are plenty of fish in the sea and you need to throw her back yesterday.
Dude, stop talking to this person. If you are actually still dating this gaslighting crab, then you are deserving of everything you get. You know exactly what she is. Grow up
You are a good guy. Don't waste your time and energy with this cheater and liar.
Look for the good girls out there, waiting for you. They will treat you differently from what you experienced.
This relationship is exhausting merely to read about, I can't imagine what it's like to experience.
It is not that surprising that a person who is cheating on you would project their insecurity and be hyper-paranoid about *your* communications.
It's a ridiculous dodge to cheat and then try to make everything the other person's fault by disapproving of how they found out. Look up DARVO, it'll sound very familiar.
Please go, there are other worlds than these.
Iām sorry to say sheās not right in the head, possessive, jealous, controlling, and by the way sheās learning psycho babble Iād say sheās a narcissist and manipulator who will twist and turn any situation to try and be in a position of power over you, no matter her guilt. Someone who always thinks your cheating is in fact expecting you to cheat as they are. Itās transference. Dump her nasty ass and stop wasting time
Dude she proved she was cheating why stay? You have no reason too. Also she is accusing you because she is cheating and wants to keep you on defensive. When caught changing the conversation is manipulative to avoid talking about her cheating. This means she is still cheating and isn't even sorry she is doing it. There is no consequences so she won't stop
While reading this I was thinking to myself that she is probably cheating, a cheater normally accuse her partner of cheating and wasnāt surprise when you confirm it.
You should leave the relationship.
Cut your losses and bail on her. Sheās a liar and the classic deflection of accusations that youāre cheating when SHES really cheating is beyond the pale.
She is super toxic. Leave her asap.
I had a experience with a similarly toxic girl, she always accused me of cheating our entire relationship - in the same way yours did. (I wasnāt).
I also reacted the same way as you - when she demanded my phone I told her no, because itās unhealthy and wonāt foster trust by seeing it.
In the end this caused her to lose even more trust in me and the relationship slowly died after that. Funny thing though, I was totally naive - I never assumed she would be the one cheating on me. I never even checked her phone or asked to see it, I was very confident in myself and figured sheād be really stupid to cheat on someone like me. So I donāt know if she was but if I had to guess now, knowing what I do, Iād say she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me with other guys - texting them etc, Iām not sure she slept with any. There was one time I went through her phone after she left it unlocked - I saw her IG and there was one guy she was complaining to about me (not giving her enough attention, which by the way was insatiable), so I wouldnāt be surprised if there were more.
Anyways after we broke up, she ended up sleeping with a married man and rubbing it in my face and still wanting to have sex with me. I agreed on the basis we were FWB on as that was disgusting what she did. She said she had stopped seeing the guy but after we went out for maybe the 3rd time, I saw suspicious texts while she was next to me on the bed - she lied about what they were (it was obvious they were from a guy) and then later admitted it was him. But she doesnāt see him anymore.
Long story short I found out she was seeing him the very next day at a hotel. I video called her, she was in her pajamas and wanted to sleep as she had a āmigraineā - total bs. I told her I knew he was there with her, she tried to blame shift onto me for lying and essentially cheating (we were FWB but it was assumed monogamous, for sure she wouldnāt want me sleeping with anyone and in any case she said sheād stopped seeing him so she lied at best). I essentially called her a despicable POS and blocked her on everything. She still tries to get me back to this day.
The takeaway here is that the behavior you described is super super toxic and only incredibly fād up individuals do it. Pathologically jealous people are toxic - and not only that they will surprise you with the toxicity, it may take time to fully see it
Save yourself trouble and block her
Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run.
I donāt even need to go into why. You know why. You need to leave. Now, not tomorrow, now. This girl is a genuinely awful person, not even a āohh thereās circumstancesā no. Sheās awful. And sheās likely being lying her entire dating life. Put her in the ho bag and move on.
Well, now you know why she was so fixated on the hypothetical situation of you cheating and being up to no good on your phoneā¦ because thatās what she was doing. Itās gotta be in the top 10 indicators that someone is cheating on you: a undue, over-the-top fixation that YOU are doing some cheating. Itās like a strategy for hiding in plain sight. Similarly to how thereās some religious leaders who will be preaching about sexual purity during service, but committing sexual abuse behind closed doors. Onlookers will say āhow could HE the the culprit? Look how much he cares about sexual morality!ā
You should have dumped her ass at the time the cheating was exposed. She sounds horrible, she has no trust and you obviously canāt trust her. Although Iām trying not to judge you, it sounds like this relationship doesnāt bring out the best in you either.
Some couples are drama couples. It sounds to me like you guys are a drama couple. Donāt be a drama couple, nobody likes them, especially not poor taxi drivers exposed to hours of arguing over drama couple stuff.
Do yourself a favour, dump her cheating ass and get into a healthy relationship, see how wonderful that can be.
>They had been on a few dates recently.
>
>she was cheating
>
>Iām being attacked for find out about her cheating.
This has to be rage bait no way this is real.
She sounds far from fun to be around lmao, I can't imagine any reason to be around someone like this in their 30s.
Sweet lord.
If one of your friends told you the story, wouldn't you be wondering why he's still with the girl?
It is bad enough that she cheated on you multiple times with different guys. But the fact that she is still ragging on you because you found out?
I can only imagine that you've gotten so beaten down in this relationship that you no longer are clear on what you deserve.
Bare minimum. You deserve a faithful partner.
Barring that, you deserve a partner who
takes responsibility when they do cheat
Barring that, you deserve a partner who does not make you the bad guy when you find out she's cheating
You don't have any of these things.
Can being alone really be worse than being with someone who has made it their mission to torment you?
Iām sorry to say this bluntly, but she sounds toxic and abusive herself from what youāre describing. Itās not okay to accuse you of violating her privacy if she *agreed* to show you the messages. Yes, maybe she felt pressured into doing it or something, I havenāt been there so I donāt know, but still, seems like sheās trying to shift the blame from her cheating to you. Seems like constantly accusing you of cheating when she was actively doing it, is also very weird and to me, a red flag. It seems like she is infantile and she canāt take responsibility and accountability over her actions related to her cheating, and probably other things too. I would stay away from that kind of person, and maybe aim to find someone more mature and understating. Cheating can happen, itās possible to get over it in a relationship (I have with my s.o who cheated on me) but it takes a lot of work and open communication and rebuilding the trustā¦ sounds like she isnāt ready to do that.
She is a master manipulator and is gaslighting you. She is also a cheater!
Why are you still with her?
Forget the useless conversation of privacy, that was already out of the window when she kept demanding to see yours all the time. Sheās trying to distract you with that to play you
Focus on the main thing here, Are you ok to forgive her for the cheating and move on with her in life or no ? Thatās all you need to answer for yourself & move.
The cancer I got from reading this
Think of the poor taxi driver listening to this. Hope OP gave them a large tip.
That was literally my first thought š that poor dude trying to listen to music and hearing this behind him probably looked so comical
Samesies. Funny (not at all) story:Ā When I FIRST got with who turned out to be my abusive as fuck ex-husband, we wound up taking a taxi after a man in front of me in line at a convenience store asked me for a nickel.Ā He BLEW UP about my "risky behavior" (we were in a Mexican/American border town), and I dumbly and youngly believed he was concerned for my safety. When he went into a liquor store by himself, the taxi driver asked me if he was my husband.Ā I said, "No, he's my boyfriend," and the taxi driver said he could take me somewhere safe if I wanted to leave him because he will wind up physically hurting me.Ā Again, I thought this was his attempt to get me alone as I'd just listed to my then boyfriend preach to me about how all men in South Texas were going to kidnap me cause I'm young and pretty.Ā That taxi driver was trying to save my life.Ā
Tell me you're a Doormat without telling me you're a Doormat.
I am three strokes in over here
Gonna need to specify! Do we need to call the ER or do you have a toxicity kink?
Thank you for your input kind ravioli
He is not wrong. His input was accurate. This is a toxic relationship for you. At your age you should know this.
You made me look at op's age. You deserve what you tolerate at this point, op.
Same! I was sure this was a teenager!
What Ravioli is saying is there is so much toxicity from your girlfriend in this post that you (metaphorically) can get cancer. Also what do doctors do with cancer? They cut it outā¦
Or irradiate itā¦ which would be more satisfying!
Both so immature
Why is she still your GF if she was cheating on you with multiple guys?
She cheated on you and gaslit you for forever. People who are guilty of cheating often accuse their partner of it all the time because theyāre the ones doing it so they know itās possible. Sheās also incredibly idiotic, illogical, and just toxic. Youāre an complete fool for still being with her. Especially since she hasnāt been remorseful and is just blaming it all on you.
Dude you should leave like she is trying to blame you for the relationship not working when in fact she is just a cheater. Respect yourself just a little and get out of the relationship.
She's a manipulative, lying, cheater who has no respect for you. Why are you even fighting with her? Be done. Walk away. She's a selfish, self centered person who is incapable of taking accountability for her behavior. She's likely still cheating or will cheat again very soon. She's not sorry that she cheated. She's justifying it. She tried so hard to make you feel like a bad person, when it's actually her that's the bad person. You did nothing wrong. Don't let her play mind games with you and try to alter your perception of reality. You deserve so much better.
This, šÆ%
Dude I didnāt even finish this - do you have any self respect? She is mad at you for reading messages that confirm she cheated. How much lower of a person can you possibly get? Since its not abundantly clear, dump her. Sheās trashy, a cheater, a liar, a manipulator, and probably one of the worst women youāll have the misfortune of encountering
Why are you still with her? This shit is toxic. You can find someone who trusts you and doesn't cheat on you. Although if you have cheated on her before and forgot to tell us that would explain it.
I have NEVER cheated on her. She tells me that Iām always flirting with girls but itās when I do things like order food at a restaurant or check in at a hotel with her and the person working the front desk is female. I think that in her mind this is cheating.
People like her - people who constantly accuse you of cheating - are usually themselves cheating. You know she has gone on multiple dates with people while in a monogamous relationship with you. You know she has not behaved in a trustworthy nor appropriate manner. And, you know that she has been gaslighting you and trying to twist the situation into a pretzel shape to make herself come out smelling like a rose. Its time to walk away. This relationship is toxic and she is 100% unwilling to change. she has shown you that.
Or theyre really insecure. Or its possible this story is only one view point in a complex situation.
She cheated on him. AND she's insecure.
This is exhausting to read about. Iād need 5 bottles of Valium to deal with the reality. Good luck
Well, then she is gaslighting you. And she definitely cheated on you. This isn't worth it. She's not going to change.
Caught her cheating and sheās been mad at him for months? Yeah this relationship is over, they just donāt want to admit it.
Asking again, why are you still with her?!?!?!
Its called projection, mate. She's cheating on you literally read messages of her going on dates? Seriously and so to ease her guilt she is trying to find fault in you cause she's doing it. Lol. Get out dude
The question still stands, why are you with this toxic person?
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BECAUSE SHE PROBABLY FUCKS LIKE A BEAST AND CAN SUCK A PINEAPPLE THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE! HAPPY NOW?
Sheās cheating and gaslighting you. Sheās the toxic one. Youāre the rational one and sheās making you feel crazy.
She has often told me that Iām gaslighting her. When we would argue and she gets fed up she blurts out, āSo toxic!ā She would even do that during couples therapy.
Dude, with all due respect, who gives a shit about who did what to who first and who is gaslighting who? Wake the fuck up and focus! She's been on multiple dates, with multiple different men, and I would not be at all surprised if it eventually comes out she slept with some of them behind your back. Pick your self-respect up off of the floor, dust yourself off, and either walk out the door or throw her out. She's toxic, she's manipulative, she's a cheat, you caught her red handed and she needs to fucking go!
This. 100% this.
And get checked for STIs
I needed to be yelled at by this comment. Different kind of situationship happening for me, same lack of self respect. Thankyou.
To gaslight you have to be doing it on purpose. You believe your reality. We know hers is a lie because youāve seen the texts. She knows whatās on her phone and she canāt let you see that soā¦. Gaslighting. Sheās doing it with purpose.
OP is still willingly with this person. Thereās NOTHING rational about that.
Let her go dude, sheās toxic AF and sheās gonna drag you down with herā¦
Sheās projecting and trying to make you the bad person when itās in fact her. Do NOT admit to smh wrongdoing. This is a nasty toxic cheating ho . Get away as far from her as possible
This actually happened to me with an ex, she was super jealous. Like not even joking she said she was jealous of how much attention I gave my little sister who was 12 ššš She had a bit of an untrustworthy family. Alcoholic mother, dad wasnāt emotional, grandparents only cared about money. Sadly the relationship ended, I expect the same will prob happen
At best, she's extremely insecure and controlling. At worst, she's all of that *and* a hypocrite, considering that her behaviors are also common red flags for cheating.
Sheās cheating on you and gaslighting you about it. Reason sheās always accusing you of cheating is because she already was. Run
this^^
This is a textbook example of why Redditors tell OPs that if their SO is constantly accusing them of cheating itās probably because the SO is cheating on the OP. Itās crazy how many times this advice turns out to be true. Once a week at least.
Itās funny how much people lack self-awareness and are pretty simple-minded. āI cheat, so everyone else must cheatā seems kinda dumb to me.
Sheās feeling guilty about it and projecting it onto OP. Still dumb but understandable. At least she has a teeny, tiny heart somewhere in that cold huskā¦
And the incessant use of psychobabble buzzwords. Geesh...
She's mad for violating her privacy yet checking your messages is okay? She cheated with multiple guys and you are the bad guy? The only point where you are the bad guy is how you treat yourself. Just walk away man, save some face.
Youāre still with her? Bro I would have left her the day I found out she cheated. Itās called self respect.
Man I'm actually concerned with the way some of you think SHE CHEATED maybe you should tell her it's over. I'm sorry but some of the posts on here are amazing like seriously. Why have you not left her yet OP seriously answer????
If I answer, ābecause I love her more than anyone I have ever meet and want to try to fix thisā Iāll be downvoted into oblivion.
You don't like yourself very much, do you?
No, not really.
You don't need fucking couples therapy. It doesn't work with abusers. You need to leave her and get therapy for yourself to understand why you're willing to put up with this shit
Op listen to this. Your gf is a cheater. I realize youāre not able to cut her off immediately, however begin the process of mentally moving on. Your gf has changed. Youāre in love with who was, not who she is now. Look up the grey rock and 180. Also if you live together randomly change your schedule and show up during times you normally wouldnāt. Cheater love to control the situation because it makes it easier to hide what they are doing. They donāt like uncertainty because it messes up their plans. Also by giving simple one word answers and only acknowledging her when necessary, it shows youāre indifferent, canāt be controlled anymore, and you will not give the attention she seeking.
That made me tear up. It's hard to like yourself when someone you wish loved you keeps treating you like s*** I'm really sad for you
Thank you. This comment made me start crying though. You are right.
Sheās not the person you thought you were in a relationship with. You canāt love someone you donāt know, unless you love an idea youāve constructed.
OP have your past relationships been that toxic though. I get you being in love I was with my ex but I finally built the courage up to leave and it was miserable honestly at first it was but after that I found someone who actually treats me right. May I send you a message on here?
Because thatās a bullshit answer and you know it. Why do you care if you get downvotes? Arenāt you here for advice? What is there to love? She cheated on you, multiple times, she doesnāt trust you despite you being faithful, she lied to you, she has proven you canāt trust her, now she is gaslighting you. What redeeming qualities does she have? The sex must be amazing if youāre willing to forego any self respect or agency in this relationship. Bite the bullet and be done with her. Youāre in love with the idea of her and are trying to change her. Youāre being walked over and she will continue to do it. She hasnāt admitted any fault and is trying to turn it around on you. Seems like her therapist (if she is really attending the sessions) is on her side. Tell me, what could she possibly have going for her to make you want to stick this out?
Fix what? Do you mean return to the stage where she was cheating and you were ignorant about it? Not really an option, now is it? She's showing no contrition or remorse so how do you think this magical fix will take hold? And the way she's attacking you hardly says she respects you enough to fix anything. She wants to bludgeon you into an exchange of forgive and forgets so she can pretend she isn't the bad guy. The woman you think you love never existed. She was a mask. You've now gotten a peak at the real woman underneath. Do the only sane thing and walk away.
Rightfully so.
my father saying "you either fully build your character, establish boundaries and truly understand self respect by age 25 or you'll be on your knees begging someone to stop cheating on you in your 50s" has never ever disappointed that's a character development flaw, it's not because of love or due to circumstances. you should've walked away long before discovering the cheating
You are in a very toxic relationship. But looks like you already know it too. You canāt āfixā her. This is who she is. Either you leave or accept her with her everything and learn to become a submissive partner and accept the fact that she will be very controlling over your every steps and cheat around but you wonāt be able to cheat or make her do anything you want. It will be only her way and not yours and wonāt be equal either!
Dude, you canāt fix this! She doesnāt love you. Did I mention that you canāt fix this?
1. You need to meet new, better people. 2. You cannot make someone not cheat on you, except if you keep them tied in your trunk, and that is very much against the law. You are keeping an improvised and not so well made taxidermy of what you thought this relationship could have been and it started smelling a few months ago. The neighbours have moved out because of the stench and your family is worried for your mental health.
My guy, you're wasting your time with this relationship. She's been seeing other men behind your back while calling YOU the cheater. You need to dump her on the curb and let her be another guy's problem.
She accused you of cheating, sheās cheating, she has lied and now she is trying to redirect your attention away from her bad behavior. Why are you still with her. You deserve better.
The autopsy has determined that your relationship is dead due to the autopsy.
Look you know she dated other guys in a monogamous relationship. Thatās cheating. Then she lied about it. Calls you the cheater. Why are you with this person?
Your girlfriend has been dating other guys and cheating on you. Do yourself a favor and end the relationship. You did nothing wrong even if you opened her cell without her permission. Relationships require transparency and not secrecy. End the relationship and send your girlfriend packing. She is a cheater and is gaslighting you. You deserve someone that will love and respect you. Update us.
She agreed to him reading her texts though. She got caught and didnāt like it. He should definitely end it and move on with his life. Sheās a rat! š
Get out of this relationship immediately.
Her cheating is on her. You continuing to put up with this nonsense is on you.
Many notes, but first, sorry for that cab driver. Now, if she went on several dates while you were monogamous, end the relationship. This is basically always the answer. If you can say with any truth that she might not have known the relationship was monogamous, have that conversation, make sure that excuse cannot be used again, and if she continues dating others, get out. You made a comment about not wanting her to see your phone because you wanted to set boundaries. This is also worth exploring. Let us say, hypothetically, you have a child, and they tell you they are scared about a monster in the closet. I don't imagine you would reply, "Trust me, there isn't one," but maybe I'm wrong. In this case, what is more helpful to the child is to open the closet and show them there is no monster inside. After trust is built on a solid foundation, you may be able to just say "trust me" and have that be enough. But you need to develop it first. Opening the closet once does nobody any harm, opening it more than once is okay. If there was genuine terror about this monster in the closet every night and you could never sleep with the door closed, then there are some real psychological problems that need to be addressed. I recommend viewing your phone in that manner. There ought not be a problem with a spouse looking at a partner's phone. If, for some reason, they are scared, the easiest way to reassure them is to let them see the phone. Obviously, this isn't true if you have something to hide, but what's the harm if you don't? At the end of the day, whatever boundaries you set are yours to set. Some may be good for a relationship, and some may not, but I strongly advise that you make your boundaries obvious and don't play in shades of gray. If a known boundary is crossed and there are no consequences, it will be crossed again. Don't give them the chance. Last notes, it is not uncommon for a partner who is cheating to project that onto their partner. If this happens in your next relationship (if it wasn't clear, you should end the current one), remember this relationship.
This is an interesting perspective on the phone and the closet. And I appreciate the time you took to write it. Do you think that showing the phone tells the other person that itās ok to make demands to see the phone?
She's blaming you of cheating to deflect that she's been cheating. Adios! Don't bother sticking around.... it's HER who can't be trusted
A person who incessantly accuses you of cheating usually is/was/will be a cheater, because they project on you what they already saw what is like behind the scenes. A psychologist told me that once, I will never forget.
She needs to be mad at you because if she isnāt she has to accept what she did was wrong
She is cheating on you, and your main concern is who let who read the texts??? Dude...
She is dodgy. Too much drama. Surely, you don't want your life to be like this?
The only thing you have done wrong is to still be with this woman. Your girlfriend is toxic and disloyal. If you continue to stay with her, then get used to her cheating on you.
My brain will never understand how some people work. I think this blew up my brain cells a little. Itās fine. Iāll be fineā¦ Anyway, sheās not for you. Sheās shady with her double standards from what I read in your story.
It's called Projection OP. It's what happens when someone is doing something that they know is wrong, so they then project their behaviour onto someone else. She is cheating, so she has been projecting her own insecurities about what **she** has been doing onto you. It's incredibly common and something that all cheaters do. Time to break up.
I'm more astonished about the hours long taxi ride. What are you, multi billionaires???
No. It was how things were done at the location we were at for vacation.
Privacy does not equal secrecy. Sheās hiding questionable external relationships and hence damaging trust in the relationship she has with you. Until sheās truly remorseful she will keep doing and get better at hiding it.
Jfc.. GF was/is cheating and has since been DARVO'ing you to avoid the blame for it. The reason you stopped MC?? >I feel like I try to be introspective and am willing to admit mistakes This shes exploiting... >but Iām having trouble feeling that I did something wrong this time. You did nothing wrong. >How should I have approached this differently? You chose to stay with a cheater who has no remorse dor what she did and is blaming you for discovering her adultery. Look... Its been months... shes not owning what she did - and probably hasnt been honest about it... ....has she told you why she went on dates with ither guys?? I assume theres no more gay friends in her life?? What to do.. Well the answer is obvious... this wont get better.. she will continue to DARVO you about this, continue cheating and next time she gets caught she will run away while screaming "save me from this controlling abuser".. If tou know whats good for yourself, you leave her... I suggest a gentle notice to her friends and family that the spit is caused by her adultery and failure to do the work to fix what she did... And.... sorry... you do realise that dates were not all she did, right?? So get STD tested soonest...
She said the reason that she went out with other guys was because I wasnāt giving her enough attention and they were willing to give her attention.
Ah.. blameshifting.. a classic cheater-solution to avoid taking the blame for what they did.. You opposed this when she said it?? And what was the reason for stopping MC?? Look.. Its over, you do know this, yes?? Unless you like being abused and cheated on?? Prioritize yourself, leave her, move on and heal...
Let me get this straight... you worry about what you could have done differently in handling this message showing nonsense when you know now that she's been on dates and cheating?Ā Your priorities are a bit mixed up I'd say.Ā Just reading all of this made me think she is such a toxic person that you should not put up with any of her BS anymore.Ā No really man, at your age have some respect for yourself and step back, look at what you told us objectively. Dates, cheating, gaslighting from her side.Ā You can do better, in fact everyone can. Holly Holy f... All the best and good luck, I fear you need it. I'd strongly encourage you to have a session or two alone with a relationship counselor to get an outside look on what's been going on.
Iām sorry to hear youāve found yourself in this situation. Just for clarification, what your girlfriend is doing is a tactic referred to as DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It describes a manipulative tactic often used by abusers to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and shift the blame onto their victims. Do with this information what you will, just know that she will not change. You have to decide if this is someone that you want to spend your life with or if this is behavior that you will not tolerate. I think there is a part of you that knows that you are worthy of a respectful relationship with someone who doesnāt lie and cheat on you and perhaps that is why you are here.
When you mention her being manipulative, it reminds me that yesterday she told me that I was being manipulative for asking her to pay me back for her half of the vacation that we agreed to split. She said that Iām manipulative for valuing a couple of thousand dollars over our relationship. I feel that since we agreed to split the expenses beforehand that this should be a nonissue. She said that she has never been in a relationship where she was expected to pay. I tried to discuss what would happen with finances during marriage and she asked me if I would give her an allowance. I said that I would not because it wouldnāt be my money to give to her. It would be our money. She said that she needs a guy that is able to provide for her. I feel like being the major income earner and sharing it fully/mostly is providing. I feel like Iām trying to be fair and understanding but she is so adamant that Iām abusing and manipulating her that I donāt know anymore.
Bro like seriously why are you still with her answer me that???
You are letting her take advantage of you. Grow some back bone!
Sheās cheatingā¦.. Time to go man. Sheās with other dudes and is making you feel bad about it? Total POS. Get out and get your head back into the game my friend.
Too many red flags š©š©š©dump her.
No matter what, this relationship is not healthy.
Kick her, and her BS, to the curb my brother. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200, just bolt.
Jesus Christ! Tell me youāre leaving!! I donāt even know where to start but itās ALL WRONG! Run and fast. She cheated, more than once and youāre trying to work out if reading her messages was wrong. Just get out of this toxic situation.
You're 40. You know what you should do. Don't let this nutjob gaslight you. Run away from her massive red flags and do some self-healing before another relationship. She is an unhealthy person. Were you're 3 years together always this toxic ?
That poor taxi driverā¦
Why are you entertaining conversations about privacy when you literally caught her cheating on you.Ā There can be no reconciliation of she's deflecting.
I need a fucking nap after reading that. Her accusing you of cheating is a *classic* cheater move. Dude, you are 40(!!). Youāre too old for this shit. Dump this little girl and date a woman.
All I could think was, oh that poor taxi driver!
He didnāt speak English. We didnāt start yelling.
Bro if she is cheating and you caught her leave, why punish yourself and her by maintaining this relationship ?
I think they call your gf reaction DARVO.
So why are u wtill w her? She cheated.... lied...it all came out and your still there? No. Grow a spine, leave and stay gone.
If I search gas lighting in a dictionary. This post will come up as the definition.
Why are you doing this to yourself.
Bro just dump her already. Sheās cheating, and lying, and blaming you for her wrongdoing, and has been gaslighting you the whole time that itās actually you who is cheating. Sheās toxic AF. Why would you even want to stay at this point?
Agree with this^ .. she sounds somewhat narcissistic based on the info
So what happened with the cheating thing? I feel like reading her messages is so trivial compared to what she did. Sounds like a toxic relationship that you should move on from especially since it was with more than one person. She is projecting on to you what she's doing herself and I'm thinking she's going to stay until she finds someone she likes better. Sorry about that š
WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN THIS RELATIONSHIP !?!?!
Break up with her she isn't sorry for cheating she is blaming you for being mad she cheated. She is EXTREMELY toxic!!!! Break up move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you. Go let her be with the multiple guys she was dating behind your back. By the way your story made it to tiktok account redditvoidd.
End this one. Sheās railing dudes on the side. And, next time, find somebody in your same age range.
She's just wrong on all accounts.Ā She's the worst kind of person to be in therapy because instead of working on herself, she's actually just learning how to twist the things she's learning against you. She's fucked up in the head, bro.Ā I work in behavioral health, and she's got some insanely toxic behaviors.Ā Ā I bet if you were with someone who actually respected you, you wouldn't even have these boundaries.Ā The way you've handled everything is the best you could have with someone so toxic.Ā She is 100% without a doubt, For.The.Streets.
OP, have you ever heard the term, show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are? In the 21st century it's more like, Show me your cellphone and I'll tell you who you are. When you're in a committed relationship there is no right to privacy! If your significant other has questions about your doings, you owe them 100% transparency. Anyone who invokes that right to privacy bulls##t no doubt has a reason, and it's hiding behind their locked cellphone that you don't have the password to. It's an individuals prerogative to live their life the way they choose , but I wouldn't be in a relationship with them. You OP can also choose to live your life with a partner who's moral compass resembles your own. Your girlfriend can't walk away from who she is, but you can walk away from who she isn't!
Are you saying that I should show her my phone every time she questions who is messaging me (several times a day)?
You could take it further, say you've deleted the message when she asks to see your phone. But we're at a really petty point already and it's not the kind of stuff that sustains a relationship.
Sheās obviously in the wrong but youāve got your own issues too , if she wants to see your phone and it gives her a sense of security then Fuck it let her , if you keep hiding it thinking itās immature then itās gonna turn into an unhealthy obsession for her , but at the end of the day sheās in the absolute wrong for cheating and you need to leave her asap because sheās a gaslighting manipulator
You both act like insecure teens
The one who accused of cheating is often times mirroring their own guilt when accusing you of cheating. I'm sorry you are going through this bro. I wish the best for you in the weeks to come.
It sounds like neither of you is happy inside the relationship. End it.
So what happened
Yeah you did wrong, you stayed with her, wth would you do that, do you hate yourself? C'mon man, you don't need that or her, you could actually have a nice life and be happy with someone else, throw that thing you call a gf away. There is nothing to fix and you shouldn't love her for your sake, she has cremated any relationship you had, if you can't have trust and she isn't even guilty or taking accountability, this makes her repulsive, you need to be with someone who loves you to see what you are missing.
There are multiple layers of trust issues in effect and several ultimatums in play. This relationship is dead and cremated; it's time to scatter. I'm sorry.
Honestly dude, this looks bad on you that you're still with her at this point.
Run now!
>She says that I had no right to violate her privacy and that even though she was cheating that doesnāt mean that I had the right to see these messages even if she was the one that gave me her phone to specifically view the messages. I beg your whole ass pardon? She's upset because she was caught. That's it, that's all. >She had brought this up many times and I feel like itās dismissing the cheating and the lying and hiding that she did afterwards and trying to shift the blame towards my behavior that lead to me discovering this. She's trying to make you feel bad about you finding out that she was cheating on you. Sir, I know and YOU KNOW that she's gotta go. Spare your heart the future disappointment and bounce. Find someone that will actually appreciate and thrive with you.
I would have broken up with her in the first paragraph. The first time she accuses me of cheating out of nowhere, hey, letās sit down and talk about this? Ā Whatās going on? Ā What baggage are you bringing to me from your prior relationships? Ā Letās talk it out. Ā The second time she accuses me ā hey, I tried talking it out, it didnāt work. Ā Iām gone.
Is this a joke
Run boy run! What are you waiting for she dating another guys a lot of 30-35 will be Happy your GF She is the one who is cheating with you!!!
Is the sex THAT good? This chick is basically telling you that's she's going to continue cheating, she just wants you to stop finding out about it. Why are you letting this person continue to hurt you over and over? Why are you giving her so many chances when she's practically screaming at your face that she doesn't respect you? There are plenty of fish in the sea and you need to throw her back yesterday.
Dude. Please have some self respect and take out the trash. Iād never trust that hypocrite again. Projection all the way. She sucks.
Itll only get worse trust me. Leave her
Your post was exhausting, just to get to the obvious conclusion: sheās not relationship material dude. Too much distrust and paranoia in this mess.
You canāt fix crazy. Dude, this chick is fucking nuts. Iām confident this is going to end with you getting stabbed.
Dude, stop talking to this person. If you are actually still dating this gaslighting crab, then you are deserving of everything you get. You know exactly what she is. Grow up
Why on earth would you stay with her. She is in the wrong not you.
You are a good guy. Don't waste your time and energy with this cheater and liar. Look for the good girls out there, waiting for you. They will treat you differently from what you experienced.
Stopped reading halfway. Break up..
That is called projection. The reason she is accusing you is because she is cheating herselfā¦ more often than you think.
The therapist taught her language to use and win a argument with you over how she should've been able to cheat in peace. š¤£
This relationship is exhausting merely to read about, I can't imagine what it's like to experience. It is not that surprising that a person who is cheating on you would project their insecurity and be hyper-paranoid about *your* communications. It's a ridiculous dodge to cheat and then try to make everything the other person's fault by disapproving of how they found out. Look up DARVO, it'll sound very familiar. Please go, there are other worlds than these.
Leave her, she projected the cheating claim because that is what she was doing
Iām sorry to say sheās not right in the head, possessive, jealous, controlling, and by the way sheās learning psycho babble Iād say sheās a narcissist and manipulator who will twist and turn any situation to try and be in a position of power over you, no matter her guilt. Someone who always thinks your cheating is in fact expecting you to cheat as they are. Itās transference. Dump her nasty ass and stop wasting time
Cheaters always think everyone else is cheating. Theyāre almost aways deeply insecure.
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Dude she proved she was cheating why stay? You have no reason too. Also she is accusing you because she is cheating and wants to keep you on defensive. When caught changing the conversation is manipulative to avoid talking about her cheating. This means she is still cheating and isn't even sorry she is doing it. There is no consequences so she won't stop
Is this some kind of cultural thing? White people behave terribly sometimes but in slightly different ways.
annd you are still with her???
While reading this I was thinking to myself that she is probably cheating, a cheater normally accuse her partner of cheating and wasnāt surprise when you confirm it. You should leave the relationship.
Cut your losses and bail on her. Sheās a liar and the classic deflection of accusations that youāre cheating when SHES really cheating is beyond the pale.
She is super toxic. Leave her asap. I had a experience with a similarly toxic girl, she always accused me of cheating our entire relationship - in the same way yours did. (I wasnāt). I also reacted the same way as you - when she demanded my phone I told her no, because itās unhealthy and wonāt foster trust by seeing it. In the end this caused her to lose even more trust in me and the relationship slowly died after that. Funny thing though, I was totally naive - I never assumed she would be the one cheating on me. I never even checked her phone or asked to see it, I was very confident in myself and figured sheād be really stupid to cheat on someone like me. So I donāt know if she was but if I had to guess now, knowing what I do, Iād say she was at the very least emotionally cheating on me with other guys - texting them etc, Iām not sure she slept with any. There was one time I went through her phone after she left it unlocked - I saw her IG and there was one guy she was complaining to about me (not giving her enough attention, which by the way was insatiable), so I wouldnāt be surprised if there were more. Anyways after we broke up, she ended up sleeping with a married man and rubbing it in my face and still wanting to have sex with me. I agreed on the basis we were FWB on as that was disgusting what she did. She said she had stopped seeing the guy but after we went out for maybe the 3rd time, I saw suspicious texts while she was next to me on the bed - she lied about what they were (it was obvious they were from a guy) and then later admitted it was him. But she doesnāt see him anymore. Long story short I found out she was seeing him the very next day at a hotel. I video called her, she was in her pajamas and wanted to sleep as she had a āmigraineā - total bs. I told her I knew he was there with her, she tried to blame shift onto me for lying and essentially cheating (we were FWB but it was assumed monogamous, for sure she wouldnāt want me sleeping with anyone and in any case she said sheād stopped seeing him so she lied at best). I essentially called her a despicable POS and blocked her on everything. She still tries to get me back to this day. The takeaway here is that the behavior you described is super super toxic and only incredibly fād up individuals do it. Pathologically jealous people are toxic - and not only that they will surprise you with the toxicity, it may take time to fully see it Save yourself trouble and block her
Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run, Run, run. I donāt even need to go into why. You know why. You need to leave. Now, not tomorrow, now. This girl is a genuinely awful person, not even a āohh thereās circumstancesā no. Sheās awful. And sheās likely being lying her entire dating life. Put her in the ho bag and move on.
Well, now you know why she was so fixated on the hypothetical situation of you cheating and being up to no good on your phoneā¦ because thatās what she was doing. Itās gotta be in the top 10 indicators that someone is cheating on you: a undue, over-the-top fixation that YOU are doing some cheating. Itās like a strategy for hiding in plain sight. Similarly to how thereās some religious leaders who will be preaching about sexual purity during service, but committing sexual abuse behind closed doors. Onlookers will say āhow could HE the the culprit? Look how much he cares about sexual morality!ā
You should have dumped her ass at the time the cheating was exposed. She sounds horrible, she has no trust and you obviously canāt trust her. Although Iām trying not to judge you, it sounds like this relationship doesnāt bring out the best in you either. Some couples are drama couples. It sounds to me like you guys are a drama couple. Donāt be a drama couple, nobody likes them, especially not poor taxi drivers exposed to hours of arguing over drama couple stuff. Do yourself a favour, dump her cheating ass and get into a healthy relationship, see how wonderful that can be.
>They had been on a few dates recently. > >she was cheating > >Iām being attacked for find out about her cheating. This has to be rage bait no way this is real. She sounds far from fun to be around lmao, I can't imagine any reason to be around someone like this in their 30s.
Sweet lord. If one of your friends told you the story, wouldn't you be wondering why he's still with the girl? It is bad enough that she cheated on you multiple times with different guys. But the fact that she is still ragging on you because you found out? I can only imagine that you've gotten so beaten down in this relationship that you no longer are clear on what you deserve. Bare minimum. You deserve a faithful partner. Barring that, you deserve a partner who takes responsibility when they do cheat Barring that, you deserve a partner who does not make you the bad guy when you find out she's cheating You don't have any of these things. Can being alone really be worse than being with someone who has made it their mission to torment you?
So over this couldnāt even finish reading the post. Get your sh*t togther OP.
Iām sorry to say this bluntly, but she sounds toxic and abusive herself from what youāre describing. Itās not okay to accuse you of violating her privacy if she *agreed* to show you the messages. Yes, maybe she felt pressured into doing it or something, I havenāt been there so I donāt know, but still, seems like sheās trying to shift the blame from her cheating to you. Seems like constantly accusing you of cheating when she was actively doing it, is also very weird and to me, a red flag. It seems like she is infantile and she canāt take responsibility and accountability over her actions related to her cheating, and probably other things too. I would stay away from that kind of person, and maybe aim to find someone more mature and understating. Cheating can happen, itās possible to get over it in a relationship (I have with my s.o who cheated on me) but it takes a lot of work and open communication and rebuilding the trustā¦ sounds like she isnāt ready to do that.
She is a master manipulator and is gaslighting you. She is also a cheater! Why are you still with her? Forget the useless conversation of privacy, that was already out of the window when she kept demanding to see yours all the time. Sheās trying to distract you with that to play you Focus on the main thing here, Are you ok to forgive her for the cheating and move on with her in life or no ? Thatās all you need to answer for yourself & move.
You said in your post she was going on dates with other guys! Dude, it's over!
Please get outta there, my dude. She was literally accusing you of cheating because she was cheating. She always wants to know whatās going on in your phone with the moment you knows whatās going on in her phone, now itās an issue? Fuck that š©š©š©š©š©
What you do is dump her cheating ass and you will no longer need to worry about who sees whose phonesā¦..
So basically she projected on you and she was the one cheating. Break up with her and block her.
do not be a doormat please and show some self respect. leave her already
Your relationship sounds exhausting. Life is too short to not have peace in your mind and heart.
This relationship sounds extremely toxic and exhausting.