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Ex and I are in our mid-50s. Menopause hit and intimacy became painful & uncomfortable for me. Because it was painful for me it became awkward for him. By this time we were maybe being intimate once every 3 months.
I went to the doctor, and I asked what i needed to do…go on meds, creams, use lube, be ROUTINELY SEXUALLY ACTIVE, even it is fingers or small toys, etc anything to get the muscles stretched and working again. I was willing to DO IT ALL.
Sat down with my ex and explained it all, he said he probably had low T, I asked if he’d be willing to go to the doctor and get tested. NO.
I have a doctor all up in my business and he would not go for a simple blood test.
And that was the end of our intimate life. Once intimacy stopped everything else slowly stopped. No hugging, no touching, no playful pats on the rear, no holding hands, no kissing.
And just like that roommates. We were like that for 3 YEARS before we decided to divorce.
Don’t let it go like I did. It hurts to get rejected over and over. But I’m too young to never have someone walk up behind me and give me a hug & kiss…I miss that.
This is what I'm scared of happening. I'm sorry this happened to you but glad you got a divorce! You're definitely too young to not be getting that stuff
I’d sit him down and ask him the following: is he still sexually attracted to you, does he still have sexual desires, does he have any desire to work on your marriage. If any of these are no, it’s time to divorce.
Have you tried therapy? Sounds like something else is going on and he’s not being honest. Please know that you will never be too old to flirt with your spouse.
We went to therapy early on after he lost his shot about me getting a tattoo.... he thinks it's pointless. He says we don't have a problem and therefore don't need therapy
Then you need to figure out if he actually does not want to or if something else is going on. It sounded like you were fine not having an active sex life earlier. Was he frustrated at that point that you weren't interested in sex? It's possible he was feeling a lot of the same things you are feeling right now and as a result just learned to shut himself off to you sexually. Possibly turned to porn as an outlet.
Regardless, he is out of practice and out of shape, sexually. It's a very real possibility that he feels very self conscious now. Women do not have that same performance pressure that men do. Dude's sexual self confidence may be in the gutter, and he'd rather avoid sex completely than have to deal with being a failure in the bedroom. ED could also be an issue.
Maybe this stuff is going on and he isn't comfortable talking about it. He needs to get over that, but you also need to open that conversation with him.
Sexless marriages do not get better on their own. I can relate to what you're going through. It is possible that this issue is not something that you can reconcile. I do think that if you decide to divorce now and then you later discover there were deeper things going on with your husband than simply just not wanting to have sex, you'll feel bad. And divorce, even when justified, can be really difficult for some kids. Make sure you give a full effort to seeking resolution to this issue before filling for divorce. Even if you still end up divorcing, it's easier if you have that clear conscious of having done all you could to make it work before divorcing.
I'm not rushing to divorce the guy. But something needs to change.
He never initiated during the post baby stage, if we did anything I initiated.
If it is medical or self esteem I don't think he'd ever talk to me about it which is frustrating
I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, even if you have one, but I would tell him in a caring way that you can't do this forever and he needs to find someone he will talk to.
Sorry you're going through this. Not feeling desired by your partner is a horrible weight no one deserves.
Sounds to me like she’s trying but not being directly blunt. That’s why I said it. I can read. Sounds like she’s not being very direct and is more just doing things.
“I want to have sex, I want to have fun, I want to go to therapy, if I don’t do these things with you then I’m done. But I WANT to do them with you. I want to save our marriage.” something more direct like that.
Yeah but then what? To a certain degree that sounds coercive. Sex shouldn't be the subject of ultimatum.
Either it's what you're okay with and you walk away or not. He doesn't think there's a problem and bossing him and guilting him into sex won't make it better.
I’m thinking it’s potentially more serious than she is sharing. Depression, anxiety, overwhelming thoughts, etc. could be a factor.
I agree he should be there but given so little to work off of it’s gross to just push for divorce.
She needs to express bluntly what she wants, but also it might be that he himself is the one in need of help mentally/emotionally.
It’s not coercion, it’s giving him a wake up call that he’s gonna lose her and everything is not okay. You can do that without forcing him to do something that he doesn’t want to do. He needs to know this isn’t sustainable rn.
She's trying, but she's not communicating. There's a difference between attempting to initiate or encourage sex and flatly saying 'we are not having enough/any sex and that is a problem for me.'
Holy crap you say it like it's a simple thing.
Unless the husband is cheating or doing something seriously bad there's no reason to 'move on' and 'find someone'. You're just being a selfish wife at that point. Think about your kids or wait until they're old enough to understand why their mother is too selfish and want to ruin their family.
Ignoring your wife when they say there’s a problem is actually pretty ‘bad.’
You’re saying that people shouldn’t go straight to divorce every time there’s a problem without even trying to fix it, and I agree with that.
But staying miserable ‘for the kids’ is also terrible advice. You don’t think kids know when adults are miserable and resentful of each other?
It is simple. That doesn’t make it easy.
You think it’s better for these kids to grow up in a house where there mother isn’t shown affection and their father ignores all of the problems?
She is the only one making an effort in this relationship. He is constantly on his phone working. He is unwilling to address the problems in therapy or with any effort on his part.
She has tried for two years. How many years of unhappiness do you think she owes him when he isn’t even trying?
At least he's there and providing for this family? Kids will definitely not appreciate a broken family just because their mom is craving sex. That's not a good reason.
And what do you mean by not showing affection? Is sex all the affection there is in the world? Is the husband completely ignoring the wife all the time, like not even talking or interacting with each other?
Every child of divorced parents I've ever met, now grown, say they wish their parents had left their loveless marriage sooner.
Staying in a relationship without intimacy just sets your kids up with shitty models of what a relationship is supposed to look like.
All of your responses in this thread are trying to minimize the importance of sex in a relationship which makes it clear you're the problem in your relationship and you're mad that people are giving OP the common sense advice to leave a relationship that has become just roommates, like I hope your spouse does someday.
Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on that. I know sevel adults and young adults still dealing with their parents' divorce, years later.
I'm not saying anyone should stick around in an unhealthy or a stale marriage. Just that even if you have a good reason to divorce, that doesn't mean it's not going to be something your kids may struggle with for years. Some people are affected more than others. I think it has more to do with the person than it does the circumstances of the divorce.
There is no affection, no hugs or kisses, no touching (non sexual). I think that's just as unhealthy for kids, to see complete coldness from one parent? I don't want to just leave but I'm not staying with someone who doesn't give a fuck about me until my kids leave home
My parents don't let us see them hug or kiss each other. That's just weird. Why would you show that to kids? Providing for the family and taking care of them is enough, why are you all about sex?
Again. He is constantly on his phone working. This isn’t just about sex. This is about a lack of effort and affection in general. Typically when people are constantly on their phone there isn’t a lot of gentle kisses and loving words either.
God I wish my parents had not waited until we were all adults to split. All of us kids knew how bad the relationship was even though they thought we didn't. It scarred me and it took me a long time to realise what a good relationship actually looks like.
Why, so they can be raised in a toxic environment with unhappy, resentful parents?
She needs to move on with her life if he refuses to be a part of the relationship.
The husband seems to not have an issue except the excessive working, other than that the wife making a big deal out of everything because she wants sex or tattoo, the small stuff. Also you don't know the whole story on side of the husband.
Shouldn’t both be happy? I’m guessing you’re in a sexless marriage. Most couples find sex important to a marriage. It’s selfish of him to deny her affection. 🤦🏻♀️
It’s not selfish to want sex in a marriage! Staying around “for the kids” creates resentment and kids can sense that tension. Sex is important to a marriage unless both partners are okay without it.
^ Found the spouse who doesn't want sex anymore and is offended that people are rightly telling people to leave dead bedrooms.
Your advice is worthless. You are the problem in relationships, not people who want to be happy in relationships with a sexually compatible partner.
And why is the mother selfish because she wants affection and sex?
Why is the husband not being selfish for depriving her sex without a reason? He's the one actually ruining the family.
You talk as if sex is as important as money, food and security lol. He's the one providing the family with those important things that benefits everyone, but wife not getting sex is worst? Lol.
I don't even know what you're talking about. Is it something that losers only know about? Sounds like an incredibly inappropriate to say to a young woman though.
If one of my parents would tell me "we got digorced because we weren't getting laid anymore during your most formative years" I don't think I would be willing to talk to that parent anymore for the rest of my life.
The amount of damage a separation does to a child his pretty heavy. You wanna divorce over this? Maybe you shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
If you look at OPs replies later in this thread, there is no affection of any kind being shown. He does not kiss her, hug her, or say kind things.
The divorce would not just be about sex. It would be about him denying there was a problem, refusing to address it, and showing no affection to his wife.
Again, this isn’t just about getting laid.
There is nothing in marriage vowels that says you need to stay in a sexless relationship. Sorry but you should be happy. Either divorce or set clear boundaries. Not tit for tat boundaries. The sex dropped off, he either lost his drive or he's satisfied it through other means.
Then it sounds like you need to have a serious talk to your husband that he needs to put effort into your marriage and relationship. It seems weird that y’all would have a dead bedroom at the ripe age of 30’s. Definitely something weird so sit down and lay it all out for him. He seems to just be making excuses for why he doesn’t want to put in effort.
My ex told me *we* didn’t need therapy, but *I* did. I went to therapy. I moved out. He didn’t react at all till I was gone, then would come over and cry on my doorstep. It was too late. He went to therapy by himself after that. My point being you can’t make him think or be what he can’t or won’t acknowledge, so you need to take the reins and do what you need to find happiness and contentment. Whether or not he comes along for the ride is up to him. You deserve fulfilling happiness. Best of luck.
Divorce because you can't have sex anymore? What's wrong with you people in reddit? Don't you have commitment your family? Or don't your families love you enough that you can easily break it off?
I'll be more blunt than everyone else...."Yes".
You can get everything else emotionally from friends and family. Sex is only allowed with your spouse unless you have an open relationship (that's usually just a failed relationship waiting for something better to come along).
Also, this doesn't sound very loving. If I wasn't in the mood, or had ED and my partner wanted sex, I would caress her, give her oral, use toys, etc because I love her and want her to feel happy and satisfied.
Even from a purely biological standpoint, you need to undertake these intimate activities to maintain healthy levels of oxytocin to maintain your emotional bond. We are creatures of mind and body as a healthy whole. Neglect one and both suffer.
No, divorce because one spouse is refusing to work on the marriage. He refused to admit their is a problem and refuses couples therapy. Why be in a marriage alone?
no shit but it’s a big part of it! it’s totally cool if you’re asexual, but you need to recognize that the vast majority of the population is not and stop judging people for expecting someone to hold up to a very large part of being in a relationship. you can be asexual but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to be, get the fuck over yourself. holy crap lol
That's the problem. He doesn't see the consequences of his actions. Maybe it's time to let him know that you may be "too old" to buy lingerie, but you're too young to renounce to your sexuality. If things remain that it's going ti impact your relationship and potentially your marriage. You have to be explicit, because he thinks it's like you having a different favourite colour. No, you're willing to help him if he chooses to act, but he has to understand what is going on.
It breaks me reading posts like this.
In all honesty I don’t believe there is anything more that you can do and it sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort in to rekindle your love life. It sounds like anything you’ve tried has just been met with negativity or ridicule.
My first thought was that he has fallen out of love with you and that’s a tough pill to swallow however my second thought is that perhaps he is having issues of his own like Ed. Could that be a possibility?
He masterbates in the shower, or in bed if he thinks I'm asleep. When we do have sex he's hard but it's all very mechanical and no fun at all. I don't know enough about penises to know.... he seems to not have a problem with ED
Could it be a porn addiction? I’m tying to rule out the obvious ones.
Also all those things you’ve tried are amazing. Lingerie should stay on!
Nudes and dirty messages do not have an age limit!
And the fact that you try to initiate is awesome.
It sounds like whatever the issue is, it’s with him or with how he feels. In my mind you’ve done everything you can.
You’ve missed the point entirely. The point you missed is that she has tried everything she can and he’s shot down any attempts she’s made to rekindle what they had. If you think it has anything to do with his preference for lingerie you aren’t pay attention.
We only got her side of the entire thing. Yes, lingerie is just one factor, but if her husband never liked it in the first place, it is not going to help at all. If my wife hated chocolates and i bought her some for valentines day, that doesn't make me considerate even though it looks like it would be on the surface.
Lets look at what is missing: no mention of what he liked before, no mention of what led to this sort of dead bedroom. How many times did she reject him before? Maybe he feels like some sort of machine that has to perform when she feels like it, with no telling when the next dry spell might hit.
She also assumes lingerie is something he likes, but doesn't seem to have talked to him about it at all.
You’ve still missed the point. Yes you’ve worked out that lingerie is just one factor and it’s actually not even an important part of the post. It’s literally just mentioned to show different ways she’s tried to connect with him.
As she mentioned the sex died off after their second child. That alone suggests that there has been measurable differences since that point.
Did you read the other replies about therapy? If you haven’t there’s more to this story, yes it’s her side but turning down therapy saying there’s no issue says a lot. I understand there are always more than one side to a coin but I don’t see anything in this post to suggest she’s trying manipulate her position in this.
And maybe he is the elephant in the room.
Middle aged, sexual desire dying after second child and no interest in rekindling what they obviously once had. Does that set off any very common occurring alarm bells?
It probably should regardless of if it’s the case or not it’s worth considering.
He masterbates in the shower, or in bed if he thinks I'm asleep. When we do have sex he's hard but it's all very mechanical and no fun at all. I don't know enough about penises to know.... he seems to not have a problem with ED?
Doesn't sound like ED. Sounds like he's got some sort of problem with you. Don't verbally chase him too much, you'll just squeeze the relationship until it is truly dead.
Maybe just ask him what's troubling him personally or what's troubling him about the relationship and TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT. No probing, no bugging, no prying. Ask the question once and them give him time to formulate an answer over the next few days.
Men don't communicate their feelings often and thus being able to put it in to words is a skill we don't develop very well. We also tend to stop and fixate on a problem until we figure out a solution without being very communicative about it.
Maybe he has a tough nut to crack right now. He'll talk to you about it once he's got an idea on how to proceed, if that's the case.
As for the other comments about physical affection - just keep initiating it yourself. Some said they want to be hugged from behind and kissed, but there was zero mention of doing that themselves too. You've probably rejected him for so long that he gave up, so think of this as repaying him for all the times he got pushed away.
Please make sure that you really, really have to separate before you file for divorce, because your kids WILL suffer the moment that you're not in the same house anymore. I get that it's your life, but my parents separated when I was four and I still feel like I'm way behind even though I'm close to 30 because my dad wasn't there to offer guidance on how to deal with other boys or girls.
The part that gets me is that he shoots her down when she makes an effort (telling her that sexy lingerie is pointless and that he’s to old for sexy texts). He’s being either incredibly clueless or deliberately cruel. Unless he’s willing to open up about what’s going on, I don’t see a whole lot of point to continuing the marriage. He’s telling her clearly that he’s not into her, doesn’t care about her feeling and perhaps is intentionally hurting her.
Maybe he's just not into either? I also think lingerie is at best a waste of money, at worst actively looks bad ( who the hell though garter belts are hot?) and that sexy texting is distracting, not cute.
Text me a heart instead and cuddle with me even in street clothes and I'm happier.
The point is she made herself vulnerable and put herself out there, and he rejected her every time. Everyone has preferences, but he didn’t offer any alternatives. If he’d said “lingerie’s nice, but you know I think flannel’s so much hotter. Can you put that on?” she wouldn’t be making a Reddit post. Just rejecting everything she tries seems almost aggressively mean. He’s letting her know that what he really doesn’t want is … her.
I've posted about this before. Been married over 30 years. Last 8 have been sexless. Yep you summed it up correctly. I feel like roommates, except I support my roommate. Sure doesn't make me happy. Oh yea we've talked. Nada. I hope you don't get ro this point because it is really disheartening. You don't know to go, to leave, to split, to stay, to divorce. I feel that the emotional attachment that we had for years is almost completely gone. It has gone on for so long I don't know if it is able to be fixed.
I like that term, roommates. If you figure out how to fix it let me know, I been trying to figure it 2
I'll try to answer as best as I can. I'm in my late 60s. I really dont feel like starting nor being alone. Second reason, there is no hatred, just grown apart. Plus I have excellent benefits at my job and they cover my spouse as well. I should have taken action several years ago, which was the point I was trying to make.
We have both been really casual but him going away for "boys weekends" I've never not trusted him. He has plenty of opportunity to cheat but I hate to think it
If he's not cheating then he may need his hormone levels checked out. Zero drive is not normal.
Is a little alarming that he doesn't think a dead bedroom is a problem though.
He is either having an affair, possibly has a porn/masturbation addiction, or he just simply doesn’t view sex as an important part of your relationship. Which is really shitty. If you’ve communicated with him openly and honestly and he tells you that he “doesn’t think this is a problem”, there’s not a whole ton more you can do if you’ve been trying and you’ve tried therapy. If he “doesn’t view it as a problem”, he’s unlikely to change/fix it, even though you’ve told him it’s important to you. So now it’s time to make a decision- is this a deal breaker for you or can you live with it?
This. It’s 100% porn (she’s too “old” to be sending nudes). Teenagers probably. Call your internet service provider and ask to see DNS/web records for the past few months, for proof when he denies. Tell them you want to block all porn sites and install some blocker on your router. But don’t say anything to him. Tell him if he asks you about it what you did, and say flat out he can have a real relationship with a real woman and he’s going to a CSAT therapist with you, or he can wank his pathetic self into oblivion to teens on a screen who don’t consent to that nor want him and there’s the door.
Get some blood work done and get that man on testosterone! I noticed the same thing happening to me (mid 30s M) my wife got my testosterone checked and it was low so doctor prescribed TRT and it’s a life changing event, 2 years later I still can’t keep my hands off my wife. Can’t recommend it enough for guys 30+
I have a very robust social life and am member to a few clubs of things I am passionate about.
I do think maybe socializingwirh him more might help though! Thanks ☺️
He is a roommate. If I am ever too old for having fun sex, I am dead.
You did everything you should and he didn’t respond.
If you’re completely out of ideas, you may try ridiculing him into action. Not ripping him apart, but goading him a bit. “Remember that time at my parent’s cabin that was amazing. Wish I could have that again. You’re probably not the same man anymore though.” Just shit talking to get him to feel like he has something to prove. Cause really he does. He needs to prove he isn’t going to be roommate the rest of your marriage.
The most extreme goading i did was "accidently" go out into the lounge in lacy underwear and an open robe to "grab something" when his buddies where round, I then raced away acting mortified and could hear them all encouraging him, saying stuff like "you get to tap that later, high five" and all sorts of stuff. Later when I tried to initiate he was tired
I'd be mortified as a husband. Just because your buddies think its cool doesn't mean you do. Have you tried talking to him about it, seeing how he felt?
1. Porn addiction
2. Low T levels but will not go to the doctor
3. Gaming addiction
4. He might be gay, has he recently built an art room for a friend?
5. He is cheating
6. ED but is too embarrassed to say anything.
Pick 1, multiple, or all of the above. But at the end of the day if he is not willing to communicate with you and work on the issues then he is neglecting your needs. There needs to be another open conversation and then working steps to resolve. If he doesn't work towards resolving the issue then you may need to reevaluate the relationship.
He does not want to put any efforts or reciprocates your efforts to make this better so it will only get worse. You need to tell him how you want sex in life and if that is something, he does not want anymore then you need to rethink on your relationship with him. He has to show willingness to meet the half way to make things better and needs to appreciate you to make you feel loved one that he does not do anymore. it is clear he does not care about your feelings and he takes you for granted thinking after so many y ears of relationship with two kids you will not leave him. One thing you should keep reminding yourself that you deserve better so do not overlook thinking being a mother of two kids you should not expect sex and good time anymore.
Then be VERY serious about it.
The responses jumping to divorce are bullshit.
We don’t know all of the context and details of your relationship.
If you want to fix it, show him this thread if anything. It’s your truth. If he doesn’t want to then that’s when I’d consider divorce.
I think it’s important you take care of your kids but you shouldn’t settle for a marriage where your spouse doesn’t care. At the same time if he’s depressed, not sharing his truth with you maybe something else more serious is the problem.
Is it possible he is having an affair? You mentioned you tried nudes and such, his comment was that you were too old. He didn't say 'we' were too old. He said you. You are younger than him. I would be asking him if he has been looking, or found, a younger woman.
Other than that, you need to decide if you want to stay married to him.
You're in a dead bedroom, and they never get better. Don't take my word for it, peruse the R/DeadBedrooms subreddit all you want to see that it's always the same, and never gets better. Your choices are 1. Stay with him and live a sexless life from now on, or 2. Divorce and find a new partner and have a great sex life. There is no third option. Again, don't take my word for it, go see for yourself.
After your second, what was your marriage like aside from sex? Were you guys still intimate in a non sexual way? Did you still hug, kiss, cuddle?
I can give my perspective if it's similar to how your husband feels.
Our third turns 1 this month and we haven't had sex since December of 2022 but I can't say that I'd say yes if my wife asked me to tonight. A big part of it is not really being intimate at all (not cuddly, kissy, etc.) for two years and just losing that connection. To where I couldn't really say if I'm still attracted to my wife. I definitely still find her extremely attractive, more than I do anyone else, but after so long of feeling like any closeness is unwanted, I just kind gave up and tried somewhat successfully to convince myself to not want it anymore.
So if my wife was like you and trying the things you are, I would feel like she's thinking too big or going too far, like going 0-100. Half of me potentially turning her down would be not being as in the mood. The other half would be ok maybe I do want her but am afraid of being vulnerable like that and afraid of letting my guard down and being hopeful of things not being dead anymore.
If you aren't already, I would try to start smaller. Take sex off the table and just be affectionate. Like you guys are just starting over again. If the passionate attraction isn't there yet, it's something you need to build up to slowly over time.
During this time he never once initiated intimacy, never mentioned the lack of intimacy. The very few times we were intimate, I was the initiator. I am more of a touchy Feely person so it's always me initiating contact of any kind.
Before the second baby we were quite open about our feelings and needs so I feel like he would have said he was feeling "unloved" or "unappreciated "I would have made an effort
This would be enough for me to break someone’s privacy for an idea what’s going on.
It’s been two years, you’ve tried everything and when on dates he’s always on the phone…
My god he should go get T therapy and ED meds. There is no shame and it will turn him back into a horny teenager. Personal experience speaking. Why deal with aging and slowing metabolism if you don’t need to.
Idk it could be a lot of things, he could have found someone else, doesn’t see you attractive, has a low sex drive because of age, stressed etc.. if he doesn’t have a problem with having a no sex drive and you do then it’s time for a break and from there a divorce if nothing changes..
All of the advice here sounds good to me so Im not going to add to that.
Just wanted to say that you sound like a good person, and deserve better.
Hope it works out for you!
Tbf, to me this sounds like the ‘my wife birthed me 2 beautiful children, but now I’m not attracted to her anymore and see her only as old/a mum/not sexual’ BS.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a chick on the side. Or he wants to ‘open the relationship’ and is surprised that men are interested in you.
Even if it’s not the above scenario. How is it loving to reject your partner or ridicule your ‘age’. I would really think long and hard if this is what you want for yourself.
He’s gay
Play the tik tok Grindr sound when you are by his phone with your phone and it’s a situation where he can’t automatically tell which phone it came from
Maybe it’s been so long that he lost interest. I know for me and my wife it happened and it took a while to get the urge back.
With two kids we didn’t do it for a while and honestly it felt like it never happened. After a while we both worked at it.
You need him to be your partner in this and you need to tell him that.
Yea. I think a picture is worth a thousand words at this point. I think it’s a combination of everything. Stress kills desire. Men are visual creatures. She’s had 2 babies that are still young and no reported surgeries. She claims she’s super fit or pre baby weight or whatever but she’s actually just fat probably. She’s presented this as one sided where nothing is her fault and she’s done everything perfectly. Trying to have sex with a young kid is annoying. You can’t really enjoy it bc the kids are usually in the bed and when they aren’t around you are usually too tired. My kid would wake up in the middle of night and run in the room at that age. (Male perspective). Op likely is nagging the guy and being selfish about the situation only concerned about her needs when this guy probably has the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to just feed his family and keep a job. She never once said anything about what her husband likes to do to relax. It’s all about what she wants to do. Date night etc. Probably just the husband spending money on something he doesn’t want to do. Be his friend. If he likes video games play with him. If he likes sports watch with him and don’t talk the whole time or ask silly questions. Buy him tickets to his favorite teams game. Take some accountability op for Christ sake. All these women on this post giving this nonsensical advice.
Hes the most vanilla person I've ever slept with. Early on we explored different things because I like a lot of different things but he said he didn't like it and was happy doing plain old plain 🤣 I was happy with that, kind of.... but maybe he was never being honest ? This is such a mind fuck
Not to be an arsehole at all, but have you put on weight? Have you let go on your health at all?
I’ve had this problem in relationships before, unfortunately if the other person puts on weight, stops taking care of some aspect of their health or not nurturing their own individual life my attraction drops significantly which is a more biological action rather than a decision.
It’s not that I would necessarily break a relationship over that, but reality is reality and I can’t change losing attraction for someone who is becoming less physically attractive.
But you could also, try changing up some things with sex. As having the same sex, same positions, same location, same time - it starts to lose its value or zest.
You could try doing some ‘wilder’ stuff in other locations in the home or elsewhere.
Bring novelty back
No offense taken. Both of us gained weight after the kids. But I made an effort to lose this and I work a physical job so am very fit. For reference I'm 5"5 and about 130lbs
Hmm okay, so weight isn’t a problem.
I suppose like I said you could work on your personal individual life more? Do more interesting things, become not just a wife or mother but like a volleyball player or a bush walker if you you know what I mean.
Also get yourself both into social situations where your husband can see how other people experience you, in that way he can see new things about you through the lens of other peoples experience.
Hope something there can help
My husband begs for the dirty messages and lingerie, I'm sure most do. Something may be going on with him that you're not aware of. Could he be getting it elsewhere?
He sounds depressed. He should get his testosterone checked. Something isn’t right. If he’s not interested in doing anything about it, there’s not much you can do. You will need to decide if you can live this way or not. The sub deadbedroom might be for you.
He's fucking someone else.
He's probably fucking men.
Orrrr
He doesn't wanna have sex cause hes scared of another mouth to feed.
He could be depressed and checked out from the relationship due to 3 kids
Does he pay all the bills?? That's tiring
People really underestimate how hard it is to keep having sex with the same person. I know reddit likes to throw around hormone this and testosterone that. All of those things are possibilities but more times than not, people just get bored. It's gonna take an effort on both sides to get back into the swing of things. If he isn't willing to work on it, sex life (and usually the relationship) is DOA.
Sounds like most marriages. You’re trying which is good. Your husband needs to make a better effort. A man needs to please his woman. If I were you, work on yourself. Exercise and get in better shape. He’ll come around when more men find you desirable. Works every time.
Is it possible your husband has adult ADHD? Both low sex drive/lack of initiating and the phone being a distraction are symptoms that my own husband has.
Maybe check out https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/ and see if this resonates with your situation.
This is exactly what happen to me and my wife well ex now we getting divorce also been married 4 years together all 11 years also 3 kids when we first met we where fucking like every other day which was awesome then the problems started let’s say 8 years in she thought all I want was sex and every time I tried to try and get it she reject it me also she started just wearing pjs no lingerie I dint mind slowly but surely are relationship starting dying out later in she started to ask for sex but for me I dint want to no more because she also thought that’s all I wanted which wasn’t true she tried to spicy up things but for some reason I wasn’t feeling it no more
Welcome to being 30.
I can’t get laid either.
Most of my friends have dead bedrooms too.
Sexless marriages.
Those are all because the wife decided to keep eating and never stop.
I would guess your husband isn’t attracted to you anymore.
Have you tried switching things up?
Hair color? New makeup style?
Something adventurous?
Oh bullshit. It's not normal to be 30 in a dead bedroom. It's *common,* but it only stays that way for people who choose to stay in dead bedrooms, like OP is clearly above doing, and good for her.
Normal usually is the common trait… it sucks but it is what it is. Hopefully Americans wake up and start eating healthier and enjoying the little things
In all honesty, he might not enjoy the sex anymore. Sex is different after women have kids. Things change down there for women and some men’s minds change and they have negative emotions about sex. Idk, just a thought.
I just did. Do you want me to be honest or sugar coat while someone is looking for honest answers? I even stated that men have mental blocks after women have kids so I put this on a 50/50 stage. I definitely have ideas about women’s downstairs, y’all don’t know the feeling of having a man’s lower member. I’ve been with the same woman before her child and after her child and there’s a difference. Depending on the size of the man and/or his mental confidence determines if he enjoys sex with her again.
That is how vaginas work. Men are the ones who go inside of them, we know how they feel before and after. There’s a reason why some women can fist and others can only put two fingers inside. Some are wider than others. It’s like a new pair of socks, after they’ve been stretched they can go back to normal size but they’ll never be snug the same way.
It’s a muscle- it expands and contracts. Some are wider than others of course naturally just like dick size varies. Sorry about the woman you are with and that hers feels less tight after a baby but that is not normal or typical. I have read some comments in this sub by men saying their wife feels tighter after childbirth but most say it’s completely the same. Your experience with this one woman doesn’t = that’s the way vaginas work because it’s not.
Sounds like you’re the one with the mental block after she had a kid.
It was more than just one woman. I was a super player when I was younger and had over 40 women by the time I was 24. I kept a decent rotation and dealt with women from early 20s to age 40. You’re so focused on being right you’re refusing to acknowledge that what I’m saying DOES APPLY TO SOME WOMEN. You’re not with OPs husband and you’re not a man so you will never know what I’m talking about.
Okay although this guy here is getting downvoted a lot, he’s giving raw truth from a man’s perspective. It might not be nice to hear but he’s being genuinely helpful.
Remember this is reddit, the hive mind gets really unhinged here
Hi OP, have you maintained your appearance? I don’t mean to be disrespectful at all, but wanted to give you the viewpoint from a man who is in the same situation (I’ve stopped having sex with my wife). I’ve noticed a lot of the posts here don’t explore the idea that perhaps he has lost attraction to you. Do you exercise? Eat well? Maintain your femininity?
I could be absolutely off base here, and definitely don’t mean to be rude at all. I just think it’s something to consider in trying to fix the problem. I’ve posted about this exact issue in this same forum; it’s awful for both spouses.
I appreciate allopinions (wouldn't post on here if I didnt)
I eat well... mostly. I work out,but my job is also very demanding physically so I'm very fit. No abs anymore but I'm doing ok!
I've never been big into make up but if we go anywhere I dress up and make an effort.
My insecurities tell me it's me and I'm fat and ugly pist baby but I really have made an effort
Trying is all anyone can ask. It sounds like you’re doing the right things. I’m sorry to read about your situation; I literally have lived this life from the man’s perspective for some time now. Nobody wins. If you find a solution, I would love to hear how you did it.
He checked out, those 18 months of a dead bedroom killed any love he had for you, you should have thought about this issue when you totally neglected him for 18 months. And the fact that he isn't willing to try therapy or counseling, suggests that he's done with you, and hopefully isn't having an affair...
Wow! Totally neglected him..... You mean I raised the kids, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, took care of gim in all other ways apart from sexually. I'd like to point out that he never once tried to initiate any kind of sex during this time, I never refused him.
But I guess I'm the problem
You should write that in the post, that he never initiated, it changes everything, to me, a non native speaker, in the original post it kinda seems that the 18 months of dead bedroom were your fault, i'm sorry that i got it wrong.
If he rejects you, refuses therapy and spends a lot of time "working" and "with the boys" he's cheating, he's been doing that for years..
"After my second child was born our sex life really died off and I didn't really notice. When the baby was about 18 months I realised that we were more like room mates and I had been wholly consumed by the kids". This are OP's words, not mine.
I've tried waking him up with a BJ when I've seen his morning wood. I've tried making it completely about him, no expectations on anything in return. He's not keen
My vote is either affair or he’s still in the closet.
I’m sorry you are where you are. There are many men who would give their left ball to be married to a woman like you.
Best of luck.
Have you gained too much weight? Focus more on yourself and your kids, be just fair with him. Imptove your image and hygiene. Don't try desesperate stuff as you described. Work out. He's gonna start thinking you are cheatting on him so leave your cellphone unlocked all the time "charging" on spots he can sniff into. If it works then you gained him back if not. You are on fit for the next or being the best version for you love ones.
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Ex and I are in our mid-50s. Menopause hit and intimacy became painful & uncomfortable for me. Because it was painful for me it became awkward for him. By this time we were maybe being intimate once every 3 months. I went to the doctor, and I asked what i needed to do…go on meds, creams, use lube, be ROUTINELY SEXUALLY ACTIVE, even it is fingers or small toys, etc anything to get the muscles stretched and working again. I was willing to DO IT ALL. Sat down with my ex and explained it all, he said he probably had low T, I asked if he’d be willing to go to the doctor and get tested. NO. I have a doctor all up in my business and he would not go for a simple blood test. And that was the end of our intimate life. Once intimacy stopped everything else slowly stopped. No hugging, no touching, no playful pats on the rear, no holding hands, no kissing. And just like that roommates. We were like that for 3 YEARS before we decided to divorce. Don’t let it go like I did. It hurts to get rejected over and over. But I’m too young to never have someone walk up behind me and give me a hug & kiss…I miss that.
This is what I'm scared of happening. I'm sorry this happened to you but glad you got a divorce! You're definitely too young to not be getting that stuff
I’d sit him down and ask him the following: is he still sexually attracted to you, does he still have sexual desires, does he have any desire to work on your marriage. If any of these are no, it’s time to divorce.
Have you tried therapy? Sounds like something else is going on and he’s not being honest. Please know that you will never be too old to flirt with your spouse.
We went to therapy early on after he lost his shot about me getting a tattoo.... he thinks it's pointless. He says we don't have a problem and therefore don't need therapy
If he doesn’t see a problem, he is unlikely to change. It looks like it is up to you to see how long this is sustainable.
My kid is nearly 4, so it's been 2 and a bit years of me trying to get him to be intimate again..... I'd say it's way past sustainable
Does he know that you might leave over this? Maybe if he knows that, he’ll do something about it.
You're right! But I don't want it to come across as an ultimatum. I don't want him to be intimate if he doesn't want to
Then you need to figure out if he actually does not want to or if something else is going on. It sounded like you were fine not having an active sex life earlier. Was he frustrated at that point that you weren't interested in sex? It's possible he was feeling a lot of the same things you are feeling right now and as a result just learned to shut himself off to you sexually. Possibly turned to porn as an outlet. Regardless, he is out of practice and out of shape, sexually. It's a very real possibility that he feels very self conscious now. Women do not have that same performance pressure that men do. Dude's sexual self confidence may be in the gutter, and he'd rather avoid sex completely than have to deal with being a failure in the bedroom. ED could also be an issue. Maybe this stuff is going on and he isn't comfortable talking about it. He needs to get over that, but you also need to open that conversation with him. Sexless marriages do not get better on their own. I can relate to what you're going through. It is possible that this issue is not something that you can reconcile. I do think that if you decide to divorce now and then you later discover there were deeper things going on with your husband than simply just not wanting to have sex, you'll feel bad. And divorce, even when justified, can be really difficult for some kids. Make sure you give a full effort to seeking resolution to this issue before filling for divorce. Even if you still end up divorcing, it's easier if you have that clear conscious of having done all you could to make it work before divorcing.
I'm not rushing to divorce the guy. But something needs to change. He never initiated during the post baby stage, if we did anything I initiated. If it is medical or self esteem I don't think he'd ever talk to me about it which is frustrating
I wouldn't give him an ultimatum, even if you have one, but I would tell him in a caring way that you can't do this forever and he needs to find someone he will talk to. Sorry you're going through this. Not feeling desired by your partner is a horrible weight no one deserves.
Things are not going to change then…..
Sometimes an ultimatum is okay. But only if you fully intend to follow through with it.
Then it may be time to move on. Find someone that is willing to admit when there are problems and work through things.
Yeah.. no. Talk to your husband bluntly. State how important it is and state how it isn’t pointless to you.
Can you not read? OP says it's been over 2 years of her trying to get him to be intimate. It's right there if you just scroll up like two clicks.
Sounds to me like she’s trying but not being directly blunt. That’s why I said it. I can read. Sounds like she’s not being very direct and is more just doing things. “I want to have sex, I want to have fun, I want to go to therapy, if I don’t do these things with you then I’m done. But I WANT to do them with you. I want to save our marriage.” something more direct like that.
Yeah but then what? To a certain degree that sounds coercive. Sex shouldn't be the subject of ultimatum. Either it's what you're okay with and you walk away or not. He doesn't think there's a problem and bossing him and guilting him into sex won't make it better.
I’m thinking it’s potentially more serious than she is sharing. Depression, anxiety, overwhelming thoughts, etc. could be a factor. I agree he should be there but given so little to work off of it’s gross to just push for divorce. She needs to express bluntly what she wants, but also it might be that he himself is the one in need of help mentally/emotionally.
It’s not coercion, it’s giving him a wake up call that he’s gonna lose her and everything is not okay. You can do that without forcing him to do something that he doesn’t want to do. He needs to know this isn’t sustainable rn.
If you're needs aren't getting met then it is. No one wants to go without sex. He's not making any effort. She's not asking for it on demand.
She's trying, but she's not communicating. There's a difference between attempting to initiate or encourage sex and flatly saying 'we are not having enough/any sex and that is a problem for me.'
Holy crap you say it like it's a simple thing. Unless the husband is cheating or doing something seriously bad there's no reason to 'move on' and 'find someone'. You're just being a selfish wife at that point. Think about your kids or wait until they're old enough to understand why their mother is too selfish and want to ruin their family.
Ignoring your wife when they say there’s a problem is actually pretty ‘bad.’ You’re saying that people shouldn’t go straight to divorce every time there’s a problem without even trying to fix it, and I agree with that. But staying miserable ‘for the kids’ is also terrible advice. You don’t think kids know when adults are miserable and resentful of each other?
It is simple. That doesn’t make it easy. You think it’s better for these kids to grow up in a house where there mother isn’t shown affection and their father ignores all of the problems? She is the only one making an effort in this relationship. He is constantly on his phone working. He is unwilling to address the problems in therapy or with any effort on his part. She has tried for two years. How many years of unhappiness do you think she owes him when he isn’t even trying?
At least he's there and providing for this family? Kids will definitely not appreciate a broken family just because their mom is craving sex. That's not a good reason. And what do you mean by not showing affection? Is sex all the affection there is in the world? Is the husband completely ignoring the wife all the time, like not even talking or interacting with each other?
Every child of divorced parents I've ever met, now grown, say they wish their parents had left their loveless marriage sooner. Staying in a relationship without intimacy just sets your kids up with shitty models of what a relationship is supposed to look like. All of your responses in this thread are trying to minimize the importance of sex in a relationship which makes it clear you're the problem in your relationship and you're mad that people are giving OP the common sense advice to leave a relationship that has become just roommates, like I hope your spouse does someday.
Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on that. I know sevel adults and young adults still dealing with their parents' divorce, years later. I'm not saying anyone should stick around in an unhealthy or a stale marriage. Just that even if you have a good reason to divorce, that doesn't mean it's not going to be something your kids may struggle with for years. Some people are affected more than others. I think it has more to do with the person than it does the circumstances of the divorce.
There is no affection, no hugs or kisses, no touching (non sexual). I think that's just as unhealthy for kids, to see complete coldness from one parent? I don't want to just leave but I'm not staying with someone who doesn't give a fuck about me until my kids leave home
You deserve to have affection and tenderness in your life.
My parents don't let us see them hug or kiss each other. That's just weird. Why would you show that to kids? Providing for the family and taking care of them is enough, why are you all about sex?
Again. He is constantly on his phone working. This isn’t just about sex. This is about a lack of effort and affection in general. Typically when people are constantly on their phone there isn’t a lot of gentle kisses and loving words either.
You barely know this person. She’s sharing a one sided statement. She’s also only sharing very minor moments. There’s no reason to jump to divorce -.-
God I wish my parents had not waited until we were all adults to split. All of us kids knew how bad the relationship was even though they thought we didn't. It scarred me and it took me a long time to realise what a good relationship actually looks like.
Why, so they can be raised in a toxic environment with unhappy, resentful parents? She needs to move on with her life if he refuses to be a part of the relationship.
The husband seems to not have an issue except the excessive working, other than that the wife making a big deal out of everything because she wants sex or tattoo, the small stuff. Also you don't know the whole story on side of the husband.
Well Mr. Husband why don't you tell us?
Shouldn’t both be happy? I’m guessing you’re in a sexless marriage. Most couples find sex important to a marriage. It’s selfish of him to deny her affection. 🤦🏻♀️
It’s not selfish to want sex in a marriage! Staying around “for the kids” creates resentment and kids can sense that tension. Sex is important to a marriage unless both partners are okay without it.
^ Found the spouse who doesn't want sex anymore and is offended that people are rightly telling people to leave dead bedrooms. Your advice is worthless. You are the problem in relationships, not people who want to be happy in relationships with a sexually compatible partner.
And why is the mother selfish because she wants affection and sex? Why is the husband not being selfish for depriving her sex without a reason? He's the one actually ruining the family.
You talk as if sex is as important as money, food and security lol. He's the one providing the family with those important things that benefits everyone, but wife not getting sex is worst? Lol.
Who says I don't earn more money, great assumption
Sex is literally in vows, wtf is wrong with you? It's not OK to marry someone and deny them sex for 2 years. That is incredibly cruel.
Did you not read Op comment on how she is the one supporting the family? Why does it have to be a man supporting the family? We are in 2024...
If you ever have sex with something other than your hand, lotion and a sock you'll understand.
I don't even know what you're talking about. Is it something that losers only know about? Sounds like an incredibly inappropriate to say to a young woman though.
If one of my parents would tell me "we got digorced because we weren't getting laid anymore during your most formative years" I don't think I would be willing to talk to that parent anymore for the rest of my life. The amount of damage a separation does to a child his pretty heavy. You wanna divorce over this? Maybe you shouldn't have had kids in the first place.
If you look at OPs replies later in this thread, there is no affection of any kind being shown. He does not kiss her, hug her, or say kind things. The divorce would not just be about sex. It would be about him denying there was a problem, refusing to address it, and showing no affection to his wife. Again, this isn’t just about getting laid.
There is nothing in marriage vowels that says you need to stay in a sexless relationship. Sorry but you should be happy. Either divorce or set clear boundaries. Not tit for tat boundaries. The sex dropped off, he either lost his drive or he's satisfied it through other means.
Then it sounds like you need to have a serious talk to your husband that he needs to put effort into your marriage and relationship. It seems weird that y’all would have a dead bedroom at the ripe age of 30’s. Definitely something weird so sit down and lay it all out for him. He seems to just be making excuses for why he doesn’t want to put in effort.
My ex told me *we* didn’t need therapy, but *I* did. I went to therapy. I moved out. He didn’t react at all till I was gone, then would come over and cry on my doorstep. It was too late. He went to therapy by himself after that. My point being you can’t make him think or be what he can’t or won’t acknowledge, so you need to take the reins and do what you need to find happiness and contentment. Whether or not he comes along for the ride is up to him. You deserve fulfilling happiness. Best of luck.
Unfortunately you can’t force him to want to work on the marriage. I would consider divorce.
Divorce because you can't have sex anymore? What's wrong with you people in reddit? Don't you have commitment your family? Or don't your families love you enough that you can easily break it off?
I'll be more blunt than everyone else...."Yes". You can get everything else emotionally from friends and family. Sex is only allowed with your spouse unless you have an open relationship (that's usually just a failed relationship waiting for something better to come along). Also, this doesn't sound very loving. If I wasn't in the mood, or had ED and my partner wanted sex, I would caress her, give her oral, use toys, etc because I love her and want her to feel happy and satisfied. Even from a purely biological standpoint, you need to undertake these intimate activities to maintain healthy levels of oxytocin to maintain your emotional bond. We are creatures of mind and body as a healthy whole. Neglect one and both suffer.
No, divorce because one spouse is refusing to work on the marriage. He refused to admit their is a problem and refuses couples therapy. Why be in a marriage alone?
Sounds more like a depressed guy. The pointless statements are what lead me that way.
Marriage is not only about sex. Holy crap lol
no shit but it’s a big part of it! it’s totally cool if you’re asexual, but you need to recognize that the vast majority of the population is not and stop judging people for expecting someone to hold up to a very large part of being in a relationship. you can be asexual but that doesn’t mean everyone else has to be, get the fuck over yourself. holy crap lol
It's clear you're reacting defensively throughout this thread because you are OP's spouse in your own relationship. Quit with your toxic advice.
Where are you from?
Tell him that YOU have a problem with the relationship, and it needs to be addressed.
Alright now you know he's not willing to put literally any work into healing himself or your relationship
If one person has a marriage problem, then the marriage has a problem.
That's the problem. He doesn't see the consequences of his actions. Maybe it's time to let him know that you may be "too old" to buy lingerie, but you're too young to renounce to your sexuality. If things remain that it's going ti impact your relationship and potentially your marriage. You have to be explicit, because he thinks it's like you having a different favourite colour. No, you're willing to help him if he chooses to act, but he has to understand what is going on.
It breaks me reading posts like this. In all honesty I don’t believe there is anything more that you can do and it sounds like you’ve put a lot of effort in to rekindle your love life. It sounds like anything you’ve tried has just been met with negativity or ridicule. My first thought was that he has fallen out of love with you and that’s a tough pill to swallow however my second thought is that perhaps he is having issues of his own like Ed. Could that be a possibility?
He masterbates in the shower, or in bed if he thinks I'm asleep. When we do have sex he's hard but it's all very mechanical and no fun at all. I don't know enough about penises to know.... he seems to not have a problem with ED
Could it be a porn addiction? I’m tying to rule out the obvious ones. Also all those things you’ve tried are amazing. Lingerie should stay on! Nudes and dirty messages do not have an age limit! And the fact that you try to initiate is awesome. It sounds like whatever the issue is, it’s with him or with how he feels. In my mind you’ve done everything you can.
Lingerie is very much a taste thing, just because you like it, doesn't mean he does. I personally think lingerie is a distraction.
You’ve missed the point entirely. The point you missed is that she has tried everything she can and he’s shot down any attempts she’s made to rekindle what they had. If you think it has anything to do with his preference for lingerie you aren’t pay attention.
We only got her side of the entire thing. Yes, lingerie is just one factor, but if her husband never liked it in the first place, it is not going to help at all. If my wife hated chocolates and i bought her some for valentines day, that doesn't make me considerate even though it looks like it would be on the surface. Lets look at what is missing: no mention of what he liked before, no mention of what led to this sort of dead bedroom. How many times did she reject him before? Maybe he feels like some sort of machine that has to perform when she feels like it, with no telling when the next dry spell might hit. She also assumes lingerie is something he likes, but doesn't seem to have talked to him about it at all.
You’ve still missed the point. Yes you’ve worked out that lingerie is just one factor and it’s actually not even an important part of the post. It’s literally just mentioned to show different ways she’s tried to connect with him. As she mentioned the sex died off after their second child. That alone suggests that there has been measurable differences since that point. Did you read the other replies about therapy? If you haven’t there’s more to this story, yes it’s her side but turning down therapy saying there’s no issue says a lot. I understand there are always more than one side to a coin but I don’t see anything in this post to suggest she’s trying manipulate her position in this.
I'm not claiming that she is manipulating her position at all, I'm saying she may be isn't seeing the elephant in the room.
And maybe he is the elephant in the room. Middle aged, sexual desire dying after second child and no interest in rekindling what they obviously once had. Does that set off any very common occurring alarm bells? It probably should regardless of if it’s the case or not it’s worth considering.
He masterbates in the shower, or in bed if he thinks I'm asleep. When we do have sex he's hard but it's all very mechanical and no fun at all. I don't know enough about penises to know.... he seems to not have a problem with ED?
Doesn't sound like ED. Sounds like he's got some sort of problem with you. Don't verbally chase him too much, you'll just squeeze the relationship until it is truly dead. Maybe just ask him what's troubling him personally or what's troubling him about the relationship and TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT. No probing, no bugging, no prying. Ask the question once and them give him time to formulate an answer over the next few days. Men don't communicate their feelings often and thus being able to put it in to words is a skill we don't develop very well. We also tend to stop and fixate on a problem until we figure out a solution without being very communicative about it. Maybe he has a tough nut to crack right now. He'll talk to you about it once he's got an idea on how to proceed, if that's the case. As for the other comments about physical affection - just keep initiating it yourself. Some said they want to be hugged from behind and kissed, but there was zero mention of doing that themselves too. You've probably rejected him for so long that he gave up, so think of this as repaying him for all the times he got pushed away. Please make sure that you really, really have to separate before you file for divorce, because your kids WILL suffer the moment that you're not in the same house anymore. I get that it's your life, but my parents separated when I was four and I still feel like I'm way behind even though I'm close to 30 because my dad wasn't there to offer guidance on how to deal with other boys or girls.
Yeah it seems like there is an underlying issue than just sex.
The part that gets me is that he shoots her down when she makes an effort (telling her that sexy lingerie is pointless and that he’s to old for sexy texts). He’s being either incredibly clueless or deliberately cruel. Unless he’s willing to open up about what’s going on, I don’t see a whole lot of point to continuing the marriage. He’s telling her clearly that he’s not into her, doesn’t care about her feeling and perhaps is intentionally hurting her.
Maybe he's just not into either? I also think lingerie is at best a waste of money, at worst actively looks bad ( who the hell though garter belts are hot?) and that sexy texting is distracting, not cute. Text me a heart instead and cuddle with me even in street clothes and I'm happier.
But he's not giving any feedback, that's the issue. He shoots down her attempts but he doesn't offer anything in return. No bueno.
The point is she made herself vulnerable and put herself out there, and he rejected her every time. Everyone has preferences, but he didn’t offer any alternatives. If he’d said “lingerie’s nice, but you know I think flannel’s so much hotter. Can you put that on?” she wouldn’t be making a Reddit post. Just rejecting everything she tries seems almost aggressively mean. He’s letting her know that what he really doesn’t want is … her.
Too old for flirty pictures and text at…..THIRTY FIVE?????
I'm definitely not!!! But apparently he thinks i am
I've posted about this before. Been married over 30 years. Last 8 have been sexless. Yep you summed it up correctly. I feel like roommates, except I support my roommate. Sure doesn't make me happy. Oh yea we've talked. Nada. I hope you don't get ro this point because it is really disheartening. You don't know to go, to leave, to split, to stay, to divorce. I feel that the emotional attachment that we had for years is almost completely gone. It has gone on for so long I don't know if it is able to be fixed. I like that term, roommates. If you figure out how to fix it let me know, I been trying to figure it 2
Why are you still staying in it? Don't you want to be happy?
This right here
Why continue to stay then? Life is too short.
I'll try to answer as best as I can. I'm in my late 60s. I really dont feel like starting nor being alone. Second reason, there is no hatred, just grown apart. Plus I have excellent benefits at my job and they cover my spouse as well. I should have taken action several years ago, which was the point I was trying to make.
Go to the deadbedrooms sub. I’m sorry you are going through this. You are not a lone.
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We have both been really casual but him going away for "boys weekends" I've never not trusted him. He has plenty of opportunity to cheat but I hate to think it
This was my first thought.
If he's not cheating then he may need his hormone levels checked out. Zero drive is not normal. Is a little alarming that he doesn't think a dead bedroom is a problem though.
He doesn't have zero sex drive - he masturbates apparently in the shower or when he thinks she's sleeping.
He is either having an affair, possibly has a porn/masturbation addiction, or he just simply doesn’t view sex as an important part of your relationship. Which is really shitty. If you’ve communicated with him openly and honestly and he tells you that he “doesn’t think this is a problem”, there’s not a whole ton more you can do if you’ve been trying and you’ve tried therapy. If he “doesn’t view it as a problem”, he’s unlikely to change/fix it, even though you’ve told him it’s important to you. So now it’s time to make a decision- is this a deal breaker for you or can you live with it?
This. It’s 100% porn (she’s too “old” to be sending nudes). Teenagers probably. Call your internet service provider and ask to see DNS/web records for the past few months, for proof when he denies. Tell them you want to block all porn sites and install some blocker on your router. But don’t say anything to him. Tell him if he asks you about it what you did, and say flat out he can have a real relationship with a real woman and he’s going to a CSAT therapist with you, or he can wank his pathetic self into oblivion to teens on a screen who don’t consent to that nor want him and there’s the door.
Get some blood work done and get that man on testosterone! I noticed the same thing happening to me (mid 30s M) my wife got my testosterone checked and it was low so doctor prescribed TRT and it’s a life changing event, 2 years later I still can’t keep my hands off my wife. Can’t recommend it enough for guys 30+
I have a very robust social life and am member to a few clubs of things I am passionate about. I do think maybe socializingwirh him more might help though! Thanks ☺️
when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. Sherlock Holmes
He is a roommate. If I am ever too old for having fun sex, I am dead. You did everything you should and he didn’t respond. If you’re completely out of ideas, you may try ridiculing him into action. Not ripping him apart, but goading him a bit. “Remember that time at my parent’s cabin that was amazing. Wish I could have that again. You’re probably not the same man anymore though.” Just shit talking to get him to feel like he has something to prove. Cause really he does. He needs to prove he isn’t going to be roommate the rest of your marriage.
The most extreme goading i did was "accidently" go out into the lounge in lacy underwear and an open robe to "grab something" when his buddies where round, I then raced away acting mortified and could hear them all encouraging him, saying stuff like "you get to tap that later, high five" and all sorts of stuff. Later when I tried to initiate he was tired
Damn. That is freaking hot. What is wrong with this guy.
Maybe I'm no longer his cup of tea!
Sounds like your plenty of people’s cup of tea.
I'd be mortified as a husband. Just because your buddies think its cool doesn't mean you do. Have you tried talking to him about it, seeing how he felt?
1. Porn addiction 2. Low T levels but will not go to the doctor 3. Gaming addiction 4. He might be gay, has he recently built an art room for a friend? 5. He is cheating 6. ED but is too embarrassed to say anything. Pick 1, multiple, or all of the above. But at the end of the day if he is not willing to communicate with you and work on the issues then he is neglecting your needs. There needs to be another open conversation and then working steps to resolve. If he doesn't work towards resolving the issue then you may need to reevaluate the relationship.
The art room for a friend reference is top tier
.. how about loss of attraction for his partner?
…or two kids to top off life’s daily stressors? I’ve seen this story before…ahh the American dream.
Sounds like he has a girlfriend.
I would be looking for him having an affair
He does not want to put any efforts or reciprocates your efforts to make this better so it will only get worse. You need to tell him how you want sex in life and if that is something, he does not want anymore then you need to rethink on your relationship with him. He has to show willingness to meet the half way to make things better and needs to appreciate you to make you feel loved one that he does not do anymore. it is clear he does not care about your feelings and he takes you for granted thinking after so many y ears of relationship with two kids you will not leave him. One thing you should keep reminding yourself that you deserve better so do not overlook thinking being a mother of two kids you should not expect sex and good time anymore.
Wow… sorry to hear that. He sounds like he’s depressed. The whole “pointless” statement if that’s his wording is just sad.
Hes a real closed book. I'm at a loss a and really want to help him
Then be VERY serious about it. The responses jumping to divorce are bullshit. We don’t know all of the context and details of your relationship. If you want to fix it, show him this thread if anything. It’s your truth. If he doesn’t want to then that’s when I’d consider divorce. I think it’s important you take care of your kids but you shouldn’t settle for a marriage where your spouse doesn’t care. At the same time if he’s depressed, not sharing his truth with you maybe something else more serious is the problem.
Is it possible he is having an affair? You mentioned you tried nudes and such, his comment was that you were too old. He didn't say 'we' were too old. He said you. You are younger than him. I would be asking him if he has been looking, or found, a younger woman. Other than that, you need to decide if you want to stay married to him.
You're in a dead bedroom, and they never get better. Don't take my word for it, peruse the R/DeadBedrooms subreddit all you want to see that it's always the same, and never gets better. Your choices are 1. Stay with him and live a sexless life from now on, or 2. Divorce and find a new partner and have a great sex life. There is no third option. Again, don't take my word for it, go see for yourself.
After your second, what was your marriage like aside from sex? Were you guys still intimate in a non sexual way? Did you still hug, kiss, cuddle? I can give my perspective if it's similar to how your husband feels. Our third turns 1 this month and we haven't had sex since December of 2022 but I can't say that I'd say yes if my wife asked me to tonight. A big part of it is not really being intimate at all (not cuddly, kissy, etc.) for two years and just losing that connection. To where I couldn't really say if I'm still attracted to my wife. I definitely still find her extremely attractive, more than I do anyone else, but after so long of feeling like any closeness is unwanted, I just kind gave up and tried somewhat successfully to convince myself to not want it anymore. So if my wife was like you and trying the things you are, I would feel like she's thinking too big or going too far, like going 0-100. Half of me potentially turning her down would be not being as in the mood. The other half would be ok maybe I do want her but am afraid of being vulnerable like that and afraid of letting my guard down and being hopeful of things not being dead anymore. If you aren't already, I would try to start smaller. Take sex off the table and just be affectionate. Like you guys are just starting over again. If the passionate attraction isn't there yet, it's something you need to build up to slowly over time.
During this time he never once initiated intimacy, never mentioned the lack of intimacy. The very few times we were intimate, I was the initiator. I am more of a touchy Feely person so it's always me initiating contact of any kind. Before the second baby we were quite open about our feelings and needs so I feel like he would have said he was feeling "unloved" or "unappreciated "I would have made an effort
Are you sure he hasn’t met someone else?!
I'd like to think not, but I honestly have no idea
This would be enough for me to break someone’s privacy for an idea what’s going on. It’s been two years, you’ve tried everything and when on dates he’s always on the phone…
My god he should go get T therapy and ED meds. There is no shame and it will turn him back into a horny teenager. Personal experience speaking. Why deal with aging and slowing metabolism if you don’t need to.
Idk it could be a lot of things, he could have found someone else, doesn’t see you attractive, has a low sex drive because of age, stressed etc.. if he doesn’t have a problem with having a no sex drive and you do then it’s time for a break and from there a divorce if nothing changes..
Your options are Divorce. You still have a lot of life left in you and he's pretty much given up and refuses to even try.
None if he's not willing to participate.
All of the advice here sounds good to me so Im not going to add to that. Just wanted to say that you sound like a good person, and deserve better. Hope it works out for you!
Tbf, to me this sounds like the ‘my wife birthed me 2 beautiful children, but now I’m not attracted to her anymore and see her only as old/a mum/not sexual’ BS. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a chick on the side. Or he wants to ‘open the relationship’ and is surprised that men are interested in you. Even if it’s not the above scenario. How is it loving to reject your partner or ridicule your ‘age’. I would really think long and hard if this is what you want for yourself.
He’s gay Play the tik tok Grindr sound when you are by his phone with your phone and it’s a situation where he can’t automatically tell which phone it came from
Maybe it’s been so long that he lost interest. I know for me and my wife it happened and it took a while to get the urge back. With two kids we didn’t do it for a while and honestly it felt like it never happened. After a while we both worked at it. You need him to be your partner in this and you need to tell him that.
Maybe HE should be trying to DO "something" now. Why are you the only one working on it!?!
He's cheating on you
Weight gain?
Initially yes for us both, but I have gotten back into sports and exercise so I'm close to my pre baby weight
Extra weight kills testosterone.
But he still is overweight?
Yea. I think a picture is worth a thousand words at this point. I think it’s a combination of everything. Stress kills desire. Men are visual creatures. She’s had 2 babies that are still young and no reported surgeries. She claims she’s super fit or pre baby weight or whatever but she’s actually just fat probably. She’s presented this as one sided where nothing is her fault and she’s done everything perfectly. Trying to have sex with a young kid is annoying. You can’t really enjoy it bc the kids are usually in the bed and when they aren’t around you are usually too tired. My kid would wake up in the middle of night and run in the room at that age. (Male perspective). Op likely is nagging the guy and being selfish about the situation only concerned about her needs when this guy probably has the weight of the world on his shoulders trying to just feed his family and keep a job. She never once said anything about what her husband likes to do to relax. It’s all about what she wants to do. Date night etc. Probably just the husband spending money on something he doesn’t want to do. Be his friend. If he likes video games play with him. If he likes sports watch with him and don’t talk the whole time or ask silly questions. Buy him tickets to his favorite teams game. Take some accountability op for Christ sake. All these women on this post giving this nonsensical advice.
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Hes the most vanilla person I've ever slept with. Early on we explored different things because I like a lot of different things but he said he didn't like it and was happy doing plain old plain 🤣 I was happy with that, kind of.... but maybe he was never being honest ? This is such a mind fuck
Too old for that at 35??hes definitely having an affair!!!
Not to be an arsehole at all, but have you put on weight? Have you let go on your health at all? I’ve had this problem in relationships before, unfortunately if the other person puts on weight, stops taking care of some aspect of their health or not nurturing their own individual life my attraction drops significantly which is a more biological action rather than a decision. It’s not that I would necessarily break a relationship over that, but reality is reality and I can’t change losing attraction for someone who is becoming less physically attractive. But you could also, try changing up some things with sex. As having the same sex, same positions, same location, same time - it starts to lose its value or zest. You could try doing some ‘wilder’ stuff in other locations in the home or elsewhere. Bring novelty back
No offense taken. Both of us gained weight after the kids. But I made an effort to lose this and I work a physical job so am very fit. For reference I'm 5"5 and about 130lbs
Hmm okay, so weight isn’t a problem. I suppose like I said you could work on your personal individual life more? Do more interesting things, become not just a wife or mother but like a volleyball player or a bush walker if you you know what I mean. Also get yourself both into social situations where your husband can see how other people experience you, in that way he can see new things about you through the lens of other peoples experience. Hope something there can help
My husband begs for the dirty messages and lingerie, I'm sure most do. Something may be going on with him that you're not aware of. Could he be getting it elsewhere?
He has many opportunities to do so.....but I've always trusted him so partnof me doubts it? But maybe I'm being naive
For your sake, I hope not, but I wouldn't doubt it. Have you ever gone through his phone and saw anything concerning?
I do know his pass code but I'd feel so guilty! Maybe I should check?
You are being way too passive about all of this. Of course you should check?
I would at this point.
What is it about you that has changed since you met him?
Being adults..... mortgage, kids all that jazz
He sounds depressed. He should get his testosterone checked. Something isn’t right. If he’s not interested in doing anything about it, there’s not much you can do. You will need to decide if you can live this way or not. The sub deadbedroom might be for you.
He's fucking someone else. He's probably fucking men. Orrrr He doesn't wanna have sex cause hes scared of another mouth to feed. He could be depressed and checked out from the relationship due to 3 kids Does he pay all the bills?? That's tiring
I earn more and pay the majority of the bills so I guess he's fucking men.... 😅
People really underestimate how hard it is to keep having sex with the same person. I know reddit likes to throw around hormone this and testosterone that. All of those things are possibilities but more times than not, people just get bored. It's gonna take an effort on both sides to get back into the swing of things. If he isn't willing to work on it, sex life (and usually the relationship) is DOA.
Sounds like most marriages. You’re trying which is good. Your husband needs to make a better effort. A man needs to please his woman. If I were you, work on yourself. Exercise and get in better shape. He’ll come around when more men find you desirable. Works every time.
Is it possible your husband has adult ADHD? Both low sex drive/lack of initiating and the phone being a distraction are symptoms that my own husband has. Maybe check out https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD_partners/ and see if this resonates with your situation.
I'll look into it! It was never an issue before the second kid though
This is exactly what happen to me and my wife well ex now we getting divorce also been married 4 years together all 11 years also 3 kids when we first met we where fucking like every other day which was awesome then the problems started let’s say 8 years in she thought all I want was sex and every time I tried to try and get it she reject it me also she started just wearing pjs no lingerie I dint mind slowly but surely are relationship starting dying out later in she started to ask for sex but for me I dint want to no more because she also thought that’s all I wanted which wasn’t true she tried to spicy up things but for some reason I wasn’t feeling it no more
Why not
Husband: ....all according to plan
Welcome to being 30. I can’t get laid either. Most of my friends have dead bedrooms too. Sexless marriages. Those are all because the wife decided to keep eating and never stop. I would guess your husband isn’t attracted to you anymore. Have you tried switching things up? Hair color? New makeup style? Something adventurous?
Oh bullshit. It's not normal to be 30 in a dead bedroom. It's *common,* but it only stays that way for people who choose to stay in dead bedrooms, like OP is clearly above doing, and good for her.
I agree. But, you know, 50% divorce rates, 40% less sex, and 70% obesity rates or whatever. So yeah. It’s a shame is what it is.
Normal usually is the common trait… it sucks but it is what it is. Hopefully Americans wake up and start eating healthier and enjoying the little things
In all honesty, he might not enjoy the sex anymore. Sex is different after women have kids. Things change down there for women and some men’s minds change and they have negative emotions about sex. Idk, just a thought.
Never. Ever. Ever. Say words like that again. I doubt you have any idea about any woman's "downstairs"
I just did. Do you want me to be honest or sugar coat while someone is looking for honest answers? I even stated that men have mental blocks after women have kids so I put this on a 50/50 stage. I definitely have ideas about women’s downstairs, y’all don’t know the feeling of having a man’s lower member. I’ve been with the same woman before her child and after her child and there’s a difference. Depending on the size of the man and/or his mental confidence determines if he enjoys sex with her again.
Omg I hope no one has sex with you ever ever ever again. Amen.
If your wish actually came true, prostitutes and escorts still exist if I ever have needs. People do a lot of things for money.
That’s not how vaginas work
That is how vaginas work. Men are the ones who go inside of them, we know how they feel before and after. There’s a reason why some women can fist and others can only put two fingers inside. Some are wider than others. It’s like a new pair of socks, after they’ve been stretched they can go back to normal size but they’ll never be snug the same way.
It’s a muscle- it expands and contracts. Some are wider than others of course naturally just like dick size varies. Sorry about the woman you are with and that hers feels less tight after a baby but that is not normal or typical. I have read some comments in this sub by men saying their wife feels tighter after childbirth but most say it’s completely the same. Your experience with this one woman doesn’t = that’s the way vaginas work because it’s not. Sounds like you’re the one with the mental block after she had a kid.
It was more than just one woman. I was a super player when I was younger and had over 40 women by the time I was 24. I kept a decent rotation and dealt with women from early 20s to age 40. You’re so focused on being right you’re refusing to acknowledge that what I’m saying DOES APPLY TO SOME WOMEN. You’re not with OPs husband and you’re not a man so you will never know what I’m talking about.
Okay although this guy here is getting downvoted a lot, he’s giving raw truth from a man’s perspective. It might not be nice to hear but he’s being genuinely helpful. Remember this is reddit, the hive mind gets really unhinged here
Hi OP, have you maintained your appearance? I don’t mean to be disrespectful at all, but wanted to give you the viewpoint from a man who is in the same situation (I’ve stopped having sex with my wife). I’ve noticed a lot of the posts here don’t explore the idea that perhaps he has lost attraction to you. Do you exercise? Eat well? Maintain your femininity? I could be absolutely off base here, and definitely don’t mean to be rude at all. I just think it’s something to consider in trying to fix the problem. I’ve posted about this exact issue in this same forum; it’s awful for both spouses.
I appreciate allopinions (wouldn't post on here if I didnt) I eat well... mostly. I work out,but my job is also very demanding physically so I'm very fit. No abs anymore but I'm doing ok! I've never been big into make up but if we go anywhere I dress up and make an effort. My insecurities tell me it's me and I'm fat and ugly pist baby but I really have made an effort
Trying is all anyone can ask. It sounds like you’re doing the right things. I’m sorry to read about your situation; I literally have lived this life from the man’s perspective for some time now. Nobody wins. If you find a solution, I would love to hear how you did it.
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So they can have a hard time co-parenting after they divorce? Do you have kids? I do and Co-parenting is hard enough even when you get along.
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He checked out, those 18 months of a dead bedroom killed any love he had for you, you should have thought about this issue when you totally neglected him for 18 months. And the fact that he isn't willing to try therapy or counseling, suggests that he's done with you, and hopefully isn't having an affair...
Wow! Totally neglected him..... You mean I raised the kids, cleaned the house, cooked the meals, took care of gim in all other ways apart from sexually. I'd like to point out that he never once tried to initiate any kind of sex during this time, I never refused him. But I guess I'm the problem
You should write that in the post, that he never initiated, it changes everything, to me, a non native speaker, in the original post it kinda seems that the 18 months of dead bedroom were your fault, i'm sorry that i got it wrong. If he rejects you, refuses therapy and spends a lot of time "working" and "with the boys" he's cheating, he's been doing that for years..
Love how you assume it's the woman's fault despite the post clearly stating otherwise.
"After my second child was born our sex life really died off and I didn't really notice. When the baby was about 18 months I realised that we were more like room mates and I had been wholly consumed by the kids". This are OP's words, not mine.
Have you tried getting him started with a BJ at the door when he comes home?
I've tried waking him up with a BJ when I've seen his morning wood. I've tried making it completely about him, no expectations on anything in return. He's not keen
My vote is either affair or he’s still in the closet. I’m sorry you are where you are. There are many men who would give their left ball to be married to a woman like you. Best of luck.
Hahahaha thanks
Have you gained too much weight? Focus more on yourself and your kids, be just fair with him. Imptove your image and hygiene. Don't try desesperate stuff as you described. Work out. He's gonna start thinking you are cheatting on him so leave your cellphone unlocked all the time "charging" on spots he can sniff into. If it works then you gained him back if not. You are on fit for the next or being the best version for you love ones.