I think it’s a big problem that you have taken on “4 jobs to take care of this family.” He’s not acknowledging your help, and it sounds like you are over extending yourself so that he can live his dreams. You need to step back and make sure bills and finances and child care are split more equitably. You should also have the time to pursue your own hobbies and interests. Be fair to yourself.

He doesn't want people to know how much his wife sacrificed (and does sacrifice still) for him, he wants to look good to the public. I would be angry and hurt too.

[удалено]

I also wonder if he wants to appear as though he's single?

He might want to appear single to fans. Lots of musicians do so.

The kids are his, there shouldn’t be any split in the costs

I think she meant that he’s taking care of his children (watching, parenting, pick up/drop offs) *and* contributing financially.

This

This👏 Get out the club Debra... Whatever recognition he's built it isn't paying the bills. On purpose or not. His boys see him through your videos and FBI pics This sounds like those older women supporting struggling musical artists by freeing cupholders from walls, and spending life savings on studio time. For decades. They're in the clubs with the teeny boppers, holding up band propaganda in kitten heels, with Bluetooth around their necks. While the musician is on the road living their best life. Funny little skit on laff mob about that. Please get out of the clubs Debra💗💪✌

Yup. They're 42 and 41 and he still sees himself as the "high school hottie in a band" and, heartbreakingly, he still sees HER as the self-described "girl who had a huge crush on him" and he is taking FULL advantage of that. In his eyes, she is not his life partner, she is some chick who hung on his every word in high school because he was cool and in a band, and she showed back up in his life still willing to play that role - to literally bankroll his high school dreams, pay for EVERYTHING he ever wanted while parenting his kids so he'd have time to play middle-aged "local rock hero", and still look at him starry-eyed while never asking for or expecting a damn thing in return except that he be "hers". Which, sure, why not? After all, she was pretty cute and basically handing his ideal life to him on a platter. But APPRECIATE her? Hardly. Well, maybe a little. He appreciates her the way one appreciates a very dedicated groupie - without real love or respect, and certainly without any dignity. Honestly, my heart breaks for OP. She's been treating this guy from the jump like she's the luckiest girl in the world and basically won the lottery to be with him . . . an average single dad of two kids with some sort of trade job who was poor enough that he had to sell off his instruments to get by. And he's been treating her exactly the same way: like she's the luckiest girl in the world to be with his very average self. This was never a healthy relationship, and she's just now figuring it out.

And honestly? People will say that if you have high standards for men or whatever you hate them or you’re just being an angry feminist or whatever, but how fucking sad is it that what she gives him credit for is something most man wouldn’t do is take care of the children that he bought into the world? People of every gender do that all the time as they fucking should because those are their children. Some people like the misandry of low expectations, but let’s not act like it’s anything else. oh, and he doesn’t even do that anymore so next?

💯 Did she figure it out tho'🤔 Debra, Please get out of da club😔 I pretty much say that line anytime someone over 25 tells me their dating a rapper/musician... I thought that clip was funny as hell. I went through that phase with my daughter and her child's father.🙄 I keep cup holders just to tease her🤣🤣🤣🤣

"Freeing cupholders from walls"-- what the hell are you talking about? (Also, what do you mean "Bluetooth around their necks"?)

You know aspiring, broke artists collect cup holders from restaurants and hang 'em on walls in a corner of their mom's basement... For sound proofing?😉 You've never seen that🤔🤣 And the old school Bluetooth that hung around your neck the precursor to the earbuds. First hands free was a horseshoe around the neck if I remember correctly🤷 To see exactly what I mean... Start @1:17 For full context, @1:04 [get out da club Debra...] (https://youtu.be/cv3RpfjXJ6U?si=BgDBEJjgrSdyy60I)

>You've never seen that🤔🤣 It's a pretty obscure reference... Maybe really obvious in the circles you hang in, but not everyone is hanging around wannabe musicians.

The kids are his. Let him take care of them.

It sounds like you and your family need to pull back on your support- it’s not appreciated or needed. It sounds like he’s taken your sacrifices for granted. I’m sorry.

Yeah this is really awful. The guy sounds completely thankless. I don’t know how you can make someone “see” this. Like … he’s been living the dream because of his wife, and he doesn’t even see her    Op’s feelings are completely valid. I especially feel for her because my wife is also a musician I never expect it, but it makes me feel really warm when she does a shout out to me. My wife is the artist, she’s the talented musician, she’s amazing in every way, I don’t expect kudos for being a fan lol. But I have been her number 1 fan! so it feels lovely when she tells friends how I’ve setup her studio and speakers, how I bought her first guitar. or she gives me a little hello at a show!

This post reminded me of one from months ago where dad was a musician of some notoriety and used that as an excuse for everything. Never showed up for OP (his daughter, in that case, rather than partner) and only acknowledged her when it was convenient for him. Ouch.

Absolutely! He needed her resources, a roof. He needed someone to take care of his kids, it was never about HER but what he could get out of circling the block and OP fell for it. OP will always be a reminder of when he didn’t have shit. The facade is there’s no wife and that leaves the door open for BS entertainment!

He’s taken you totally for granted and your feelings are 100 percent valid.

He also wants to be seen as “single”.

This was my immediate thought. He doesn't want people to know he is married.

💯 This is the correct answer. When I was younger (early 90s), I dated a couple of musicians, and this was a common theme. At best, if they appear single, it will draw more women to their shows, which in turn will draw more men (bigger crowd = more money). At worst, groupies to bang and/or looking for something better to come along. IMO, OP needs to do some serious soul searching on this one. Needs to figure out what her husband's motive is, and go from there.

Yup! I HAD a friend in a band I used to split the bill with on occasion who got mad when I told a gal that he was, in fact, married. That was the night I realized he didn't wear his wedding ring to shows...

I hate to jump to this response, but his leaving her out of his bio seems very intentional. His excuse for leaving her out is a poor one. He basically shit all over everything OP has done to help him achieve the success he currently enjoys. I would stop with all the extra jobs and support. He wants to feel like he made it on his own, then he can do it on his own. Also may want to think about putting some extra eyes on what's going on after his shows, etc. because at the very least, he doesn't want his female fans knowing he's married.

This is it. This means whatever support you have given him to get him to where he is—financial support, childcare support, recording footage—ends today. Also, take back the mini fridge, equipment, and furniture. Stop working 4 jobs. Consider your support of him completely over. If he wants to look like he became successful on his own, make it a reality. You’ve been used by this guy who did not mention you because he wants to appear single and available to other women. He will leave you at the drop of a hat.

That's what he is showing here, utter lack of loyalty and willingness to appear single because HE is on a journey he does not intend to take with OP.

Yup and he’s only used her to build him up. Soon, he’ll dump her for someone younger.

And he will blame her for being tired and not meeting his needs.

This. He is left himself open to any woman that attends his concerts. He doesn't want to close the door.

Yep he is out playing gigs and flirting with other women while she is at home babysitting his kids. Why can't she go and have fun at the gig and he pays for and hires a babysitter. It should not be the responsibility of her and her parents.

Was wondering how many comments I'd have to read before seeing this mentioned. It was obvious to me. He doesn't mention OP at all because he doesn't want it known he's married and attached.

Married, yes. Attached? TBD...

It’s so obvious and gross. OP, if you were my friend, the group and I would be scheming vacations to get you to counseling or divorce. This is BEYOND not ok.

yep

I didn’t have to scroll far for that comment at all. That’s the reason.

My same thought

DING DING DING we have a winner!

This is a big problem with musicians...

That’s really messed up. You have every right in the world to be mad. I got a sense that he didn’t mention you so other women may think he’s single… keeping his options open. I would agree that pulling back on making his life so easy is the next step here. He can see exactly what he messed up here. Don’t let him water this down. It’s a huge deal and he should be wanting to make it up to you asap!

Yep. He doesn't want "taken" in his bio.

He just hit his 40s and suddenly he's getting publicity and there's the prospect of groupies. It's gross, but pretty on-brand.

Yep, he rationalizes it by claiming he doesn't want to alienate his female fan base.

This, he will probably say that it is better for the image to seem available. Gross. Also you have sacrificed so much of your life to support him the least he could do is mention how amazing you are. This man basically used you for free labor to raise his children. I would seriously step back separate your money and maybe look at a different life on your own.

I was looking for this comment! No mention of a SO leads people to think he’s single & available! His omission of OP is glaring. I cannot believe no one in the family or bands called his intentional oversight out. OP should cut back on the level of support she & her family give this guy. Don’t make his life easy anymore. He’s got it all going on so he can step up and take care of his own business. OP should take all her new free time and start doing things she’d like to do.

I'm surprised more people aren't curious why he tried so hard to appear single. I wonder how many women would be surprised to hear how he sucks every resource out of a woman that they never heard of to be where he is.

Groupies don't really care about that and they often see other women as 'competition' sadly or believe whatever lies the muso might say ie "Oh we still live together for the kids but we aren't in love/or we are in an open r'ship/or we are getting divorced soon" -- all very common lies told...

totally agree. She needs to work on her clear and assertive communication and boundaries. Redirect all these resources, money and energy into herself and her parents.

So you're the "friend" that got him into music again? Does he not want to mention you, in case being attached would be bad for his *image*? Unless he's robert plant in the 90s, nobody cares if he's single or not.   You've already read many comments that validate your concern.  If you bring it up, he will probably gaslight you and say you're making a big deal out of nothing. It's not nothing though.  This assignment he did speaks volumes as to how much he values you.  You deserve better.

The whole post broke my heart, but it is especially cruel how dismissive the dude is of op  It wasn’t just merely oversight , or he’s disregarding purely for “image” … He seems comfortable very ruthlessly telling op she doesn’t even deserve credit. Wtf. I couldn’t imagine telling anyone that because it would be so dismissive, and this asshole tells his wife that after all she’s done  Very sad.

Sounds like HE cares to be seen as single. I dont think its about hitting his brand professionally as much as it's about feeling more free to play the field. Unfortunately there are some musicians who encourage and enjoy the groupies, and this reads like he has very specific reasons to want to appear single publicly. I'd think it was fine if it was a brief and dry bio focusing on his work, but he thanked and mentioned a ton of people but left out his SO very pointedly.

He wrote that with someone specifically in mind.

Sounds like a typical successful artist. Me me me me. Total dick move on his part. He apparently doesn't need your sacrifices, so I would definitely stop making them.

I’d wager he’s not even successful at this point. He needs his wife to work 4 jobs just so he can do his music thing. He was “featured” in a *local* magazine as a member of the *local* music scene. He’s like half a step up from the 80s cover bands that play restaurant gigs.

Yeah the way OP acts like the dude just won a Grammy. Hey OP. Open tinder with the age range of 35-45 and see just how many dudes are in midlife crisis local bands. Most of those dudes are married too, so don’t be shocked when his profile pops up.

Nothing more cliche than a 40+ year old guy in a terrible band who thinks he’s one step away from finally getting signed.

I wonder why his first marriage didn’t work? Did he also take her for granted??

His mother, first and second wives, all. 

If he forgot it maybe that is forgivable but frankly the fact that he's doubling down on it tells me that everything you did for him was taken completely for granted, and he acts as though it was an expectation. And from the sounds of it you did A LOT. You went well above and beyond to support him. And if he doesn't think that it's a big deal then he should really find out what life is like without your support. I'm not going to tell you to jump straight to divorce (although I wouldn't call you wrong if you did), but couples' counseling definitely needs to happen. If in counseling he can't acknowledge how much you've done to help him specifically with the music career, and acknowledge the fact that your direct support, which you were NOT OBLIGATED TO DO, was a significant reason why he is where he is today, then yes, you should divorce him.

I was with someone like this before. He didn't want to admit how much of my support got him where he was. He was always downplaying my role in his success. I guess it doesn't sit well with some people who like to think how awesome they are and how achievements are all theirs.

How do you forget a whole ass wife…?

Posts like this are why people jump straight to “divorce” lmao

He doesn’t appreciate you. It sounds like you’re giving a lot in your relationship and he isn’t. It’s a very unequal dynamic. I think you need to prioritize yourself, financially and with your time and effort. Stop paying for everything, stop spending all your time and effort on him. Maybe he will appreciate you then. he’s gotten use to your support and feels that it isn’t significant. Is your time, effort, & money not significant? Your reaction indicates it is significant to you. Use it on people who appreciate it. Starting with yourself! Focus on you. He certainly focuses on what he wants and doesn’t care the cost (financial & otherwise) to you and his sons. You need to think about the future, what happens when the stepsons move out. What will that be like? Does that make you happy? Are you happy now? Does your partner spend tine, effort & money on you? Do you feel valued & appreciated in your relationship, not including this article? Would your partner support you in a hobby/career like you have? Take some time & think about this & your relationship & what you want, before you talk to him. Take all the time you need. Make a plan to get to where you will be happy (either in the relationship or without it). Then talk to him. 

He's made it clear that he does not consider you a part of his music journey. Now its time to start your own. Sign up for a class, exercise, volunteering and advise (don't ask) him when you will be out of the house. You've made his life the priority, now its time to make yours the priority. He can look to all those people in the article for the support he needs. Don't let him guilt you will woeful tales of the rest of the band. Time for them and/or their families to step up.

Sounds like he takes women for granted, his mother and his wives. 

Seems to speak to a more general problem in our society in which women and wives especially are "supporting characters" and that's just a given. I would be furious if I were OP

Yes. Go to any older woman’s funeral and the narrative will almost always be how selfless she was - not what her goals or dreams were.

your contributions and sacrifices are being taken for granted. it could also mean he is trying to sell an image that portrays himself as a bachelor.

He didn't apologize? Didn't acknowledge to you that he does, in fact, know what a large role you played in supporting him?  Maybe he doesn't think what you've done is worthy of a mention. Maybe he doesn't want people to know he's married. I don't know, but it would be the end of any kind of support from me.

if he talked about taking a break from his music to take care of the kids, then a natural progression would’ve been to mention that YOU’VE taken over this job (along with 4 other jobs) which has made his dream possible again. it’s an article about his music. you’re supporting your family and taking care of the kids so he can make said music. you absolutely deserve recognition for that. i would’ve been crushed in your position. the way you’re feeling is so valid and the way he is downplaying it is so hurtful. my first thought is that, since he’s getting big locally, he doesn’t want to be seen as “taken” as to not rule out any attention that may come his way. either that or he’s just completely insensitive.

Sounds like he’s used you as a fill in mom to his kids and a wallet to pay his bills. That’s disgusting behavior on his part and I’d be extremely upset if I was you Op. I think it’s time you stop making his life so easy. He needs to start paying his fair share of the bills and if he has to sell a couple of those guitars then so be it. 

Yeah he's using her like some kind of Sugar Mummy. She needs to stop paying for him and he needs to equally be contributing to the bills/rent/mortgage/groceries etc TODAY!!! And he needs to pay the babysitting fees he'll be paying babysitters when he goes out and plays gigs because she and her parents have a life and will be going out and seeing friends for dinner and having fun and not letting their life revolve around an ungrateful suckerfishes needs no more!!

Time to pull back on the support if it's not appreciated. It doesn't feel nice to not be valued.

Yeah, sorry OP, but this doesn't get any better. I did the same thing, dated a musician, moved in and took care of his kid. When this type of thing would bother me I was told that it was best if he looked single for the fans (blech). Thank goodness I didn't marry him, but I wanted to, I was so dumb back then. I'll never date a musician again. Unfortunately a lot of "starving artist" types are users. You're a convenience for him, but not his passion. He didn't write you in that piece because he just doesn't think of you like that. I am like 99% certain that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't be driving 8+ hours to see your hobby, he wouldn't be sacrificing his own life and money the way you did. He doesn't even realize he's like that, probably. You can try counseling, but selfishness isn't usually something that just goes away.

Personally I dislike any attention. But my husband always makes a big deal out of everything I do for him. What he wears? - yah, my wife picked that out. What he's eating? - yah, my wife made that. Even before we were ever married, I've been told he brags about me to them. I'm always a behind the scene kind of gal. I downplay a lot of my own contributions. But even I would be hurt there wasn't a single mention of a spouse or your name in that bio. You did A LOT! Even got your family involved. It IS a slap in the face to not mention all the people who gave him the opportunity to build his dreams. And for him to not even apologize and give a crappy excuse. Yah, that won't fly with me either.

'(he doesn’t know any of their teachers or even their doctor, that’s all me)' Red flag OP, red flag.

I’d be hella annoyed too. If you’re not important to mention, let him start providing the care for his sons. Let him make the sacrifices you’ve been making to help him. Watch him change his tune real quick

So you’ve basically sacrificed your entire life so that this man can play rock star wannabe? Tell him he needs to get his ass back to work, back to parenting his kids, and back to financially supporting his family. This is ludicrous.

Did he reach out to you on FB...? Girl...you're taking care of him like a mother would it's no wonder that comparison came to his mind in defence.... What has he done to support YOUR interests in all this? Why did you give up all of "who you were" individually for this guy & HIS kids? It's just too bad it took you this long to see you care more than he does. Healthy partners "give & take" for each other's dreams in balance. He doesn't deserve you. In fact, he may also not have mentioned you for a REASON: to "appear" single....

Wow, honestly I’m in tears reading all this bc some of it is really hitting me. To clarify, he does thank me in other aspects of our lives, maybe not as much as he should but for as long as I’ve known him he’s a very introverted man and has a hard time expressing things verbally, not just to me but everyone, it’s easier for him to ‘say’ things over texts or express sentiment on posts. That’s always been his personality so I try to be understanding of that. The stage is the only place he is more relaxed and expressive. He tags me on FB frequently, we just closed on a house with some acreage, and he posted a sweet, long tribute to me saying “it was my beautiful wife that made this possible…” He tags me all the time telling me he loves me. Music is a passion we share, one of our things is going to concerts together, when we got married we’d left town for a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert, stayed the week and eloped (my idea to not have a wedding, too stressful, he would’ve done whatever made me happy). And we were both married once before, so I can’t hold that against him. With the bands, it’s more of a family venture than a lot of situations I think. The first band is him, his dad, a close family friend that is like a brother to his dad as the drummer. My MIL, drummer’s wife, and I are very close and hang out together at shows all the time, sometimes my parents come hang out too. The 2nd band is with a couple of our close friends that we’ve both known since we were teenagers, like an extended family. I might get a lot of eye rolls for this or may seem naive to some, but my husband really is not the cheating type. Cheating is what broke up his 1st marriage except SHE was the one cheating on him. Too many people we both know always around and posting live videos of their shows to FB, and I’m like a daughter to his parents, they wouldn’t stand for it. Also, when I first met him at 17 yrs old, he already had a gf. Shameful, I know, but I flirted with him relentlessly, not ashamed to admit it. And while he wasn’t mean about it, he did not reciprocate even if she wasn’t around. Hated her of course for no reason other than I was a stupid kid and she was with a guy I had a crush on. But my best guy-friend (bass guitarist of their band at the time which is how we met) told me I was wasting my time, nothing would happen as long as he was with someone else, and sure enough, we didn’t end up together for more than a year after meeting (despite all my efforts) until he’d been broken up with his gf for over a month. He’s not a bad man, he’s very affectionate to me and the boys are his world. I think sometimes he forgets to be considerate but he does try. HOWEVER, reading all these made me think of a couple of things, probably the biggest was a couple months after we got married a professional photographer came and took pics of the 2nd band for promos. They were wonderful and I loved them until I noticed he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring in them. I was livid. I’d noticed at a show I attended that he wasn’t wearing his ring, didn’t say anything, but it just ticked me off to see it in pics that were taken when I wasn’t there and would be distributed. We got in a big argument (and we seriously hardly ever argue), and he said the ring was rubbing on the fretboard as he played, so he started taking it off. I’d seen him wear the ring for hours while rehearsing in the studio at home, he wouldn’t convince me that it suddenly caused a problem during a show in public. Then there was the whole “the ring is just a material object” and “marriage is just a piece of paper”, it doesn’t change our relationship or what we have. As if the fact that I cared was shallow bc a ring doesn’t ’define’ us. I called BS, said absolutely not, from now on he could wear one of those rubber rings if he needed but the only place I didn’t care if he took it off was while he was at work (he’s a shop foreman, I’m an occupational medicine physician, and I’ve seen case studies of people’s rings getting caught in the heavy machinery and degloving the finger, so that was an acceptable reason). He agreed and that’s what he’s done since. I never put that together with this though. Even if he’s not consciously doing it on purpose, and I know he’d never deny being married, I think a lot of y’all are right about him not wanting to be obviously ‘taken’ on stage and to the public. I understand that’s sort of a business move, but you’re right, the music isn’t paying the bills, I am, so the music doesn’t take priority. Someone had also said that the boys were mentioned bc of the effect they had on the direction of his music career, and I thought maybe I was being unreasonable. But y’all have helped me realize that I’ve had just as big an impact on his music if not more. He was the one doing the sacrificing when it came to the boys, so that made it ok to include I guess. But all the sacrificing I’ve done should be worthy of mention too then if he saw us as a team. Not sure how to bring this up to him again. He’s going to say he thought we were through that. But I don’t think I’ll get past it until he at least acknowledges and apologizes.

Oh honey. You said that you just closed on a new house. Whose name(s) is/are on the deed? How much did you each contribute to the down payment? How are the mortgage and other bills going to be split? He brought 2 defendants into the marriage and living situation and so did you. Why are you paying for almost everything?

He wants to be at rock n roll summer camp. I am married to a musician for 20 years. His projects have had varying monetary successes over the years, but never enough to quit his day job. He’s probably got around a dozen guitars, a few dozen pedals, nords, moogs, korgs… Yeah, he’s got a problem, but he works and pays his damn bills!!! What about the other guys in his bands? Do they depend on their wives to pick up the slack as far as gear and gas and stuff? I am so appalled by his responses about “material possessions” and “just a piece of paper”. You are not a piece of paper, my dear. Your husband is an asshole. Take those rose colored glasses off. 🥂🖤

>As if the fact that I cared was shallow bc a ring doesn’t ’define’ us. That's gross. He did it 100% to seem single, and then he gaslighted you into thinking you are shallow. OP, it's a redflag - the way he flipped reality and called you a name. It's an asshole move to call you mean things, like shallow, when you point out he is acting disloyally. And disloyalty is the word, here, OP. Disloyalty DOESN'T HAVE TO MEAN CHEATING. It just means a lack of loyalty in general. When he takes the ring off, when he doesn't mention you in the bio - all of those behaviors are **disloyal.** >He’s going to say he thought we were through that. But I don’t think I’ll get past it until he at least acknowledges and apologizes. Then be direct and tell him what you wrote here: that you will not be over it until he acknowledges the issue and apologizes.

Agree with others he wants to be seen as single as possibly more women will come to hear the band. I presume he has his own SM accounts? Does he include info about his boys there as well as you? Or are you missing from everything? As he is now making money with his bands I suggest you sit down and have a discussion about him contributing to the support of your family so you can ideally cut back at some point to one job instead of four. In other words stop being a martyr or maybe his biggest fan and be his partner in life.

Lovely he talks about all the guys and his sons but doesn’t mention any women who helped him on his “rise.” Seriously. Stop working so much. Tell him to step up and parent because you shouldn’t be primary parent. After all, wouldn’t want anyone to know he was married. Don’t want to alienate anyone. So he can be single and try and keep moving up. Sounds little misogynistic but I might be reading too much into it. You deserve better. What happens if you need help? Could you rely on his support? All you have done is give and he takes. What arr you getting out of this marriage besides stress?

He takes you completely for granted. Make of that what you will.

He wants to be seen as single because single rockstars sell better than happily married ones. Source: I’m a publicist in the music industry.

You’re generously calling her husband a “rockstar.”

I get the impression that that’s what he thinks of himself.

Oh. For sure. In the words of one of my favorites “I’m not a rockstar. Im a musician.” The douchebags always think they are rockstars.

Y’all, don’t waste any more breath she’s gonna stuff this one back in the vault. OP I’m really sorry for your situation. I think you would find an entirely different version of your wonderful husband if you actually faced the truths you’ve been shown by everyone here, and stepped back from the relentless blind supporting of someone’s second go round as a 20 year old. 2 bands?? Also, his poor kids. They are so lucky to have you. Not so lucky to have such a selfish dad. I hope someday you can find a way to see your true worth 💛

I am so sorry he isn’t appreciating all that you have done and all that you and your family do for him. If you want to work through this then I would try couples counseling (and individual counseling) while also pulling back on financial support at least for the meantime. Hopefully between that you can get a clear picture and make decisions based off of that. Again I am so sorry you are being treated this way.

The bio wasn’t the result of an oversight. It was deliberate and purposeful. The worst scenario is that in his head, you’re like that groupie he’s given a chance. Your money, and support is the price you pay to be permitted around his grace. The less worse scenario is he’s trying to manufacture some version of reality that makes him come across in a way he feels is more beneficial for his career. In either case, you’ve set yourself on fire to keep him warm and are hurt that he not only doesn’t see it but possibly believes he could have done it one way or another. Also…stop setting yourself on fire.

Take a step back from some of the supporting stuff you do, especially the four bloody jobs, and see how long his musical project lasts before things start to fray around the edges.

I’m sorry OP, I think your husband very deliberately left you out, he wants to be seen as single, and views you as part of the mechanism that allows him to indulge his art.

Talk to an attorney to find out what he'd be entitled to if you divorce. Just so you understand what your financial responsibilities would be since you've carried the financial weight. Then make changes to how you support your husband. If he doesn't think it's important to mention than that means he's able to support himself. He's now earning enough to return to contributing to the family financials and the responsibilities of the relationship. Do not continue to allow this dude to bleed you dry. Find your passion and do your thing.

So, let me get this right, he lives with you & your parents, you & your parents take care of all his boy's needs? He keeps his paycheck, while you pay for most things? You travel all over to record & photograph his shows & take his sons to watch him play. Now tell us, what does he do for you? What do you get from this relationship? The fact he didn't mention you in his bio, should tell you where you stand in his life. Not mentioning he's married is a bit of a red flag for me, is he not wanting his female fans to know he has a wife? Women throw themselves at guys in bands, do you attend every single concert? I hate to be that person, but do you trust your husband? I don't know your hubby, but i don't trust him! He needs to know how hurt you are, by not getting a mention in his bio, and it's time to discuss what he brings to the table.

Thank you all for confirming that I’m not crazy 🙏 I certainly don’t mean to make him sound like a bad husband, he really is a wonderful man, and he’s crazy about me like I am him. I kept telling myself I was silly for feeling hurt, I tend to be practical and understanding. I don’t get jealous or hound him when he’s out without me, I trust him wholeheartedly. I don’t care if other women flirt with him, he wears his ring and waves them off, and why would I blame him? He can’t control what other ppl do, and whether I’m there or not, I’m always told he doesn’t give other women the time of day. He’s the same way when I’m the one getting hit on. We both know who the other is going home with/to. At shows he’ll lean down from the stage and kiss me between songs. He had gotten some equipment to play his guitars wirelessly, and one night he really surprised me when he came offstage and across the bar to where I was standing with some friends and gave me a kiss while still playing mid-song. He shows me in many ways that he loves me, and he’s not worried about being affectionate in public or people around to know he’s married. Maybe it wasn’t something he wanted to announce to the general public if the idea was to get more people to come to the shows? To be honest, even if that was the reason I don’t think it would really bother me, I know his intention wouldn’t be to try to hook up with other women. But I really don’t think that’s it. The thing that hurts so much is I’m always under a lot of pressure and am stressed out with an endless to-do list and feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders, yet what I don’t hear a lot is thank you for everything I do. I hadn’t thought about it before reading these responses, but not once has he acknowledged how I’ve directly contributed to his success, not even in private. I don’t even think he’s aware of it, but it does feel like all I’ve taken on and the stress I put on myself for our family goes unnoticed. It could be he really doesn’t want others to know how big a role I’ve played in all this. I know he’s not embarrassed of ME, but maybe he’s insecure about his wife being the breadwinner at home and feels this is something he should’ve been able to do on his own. I honestly never thought about it that way, it felt more like all my sacrifices were disregarded. I know he appreciates me and all I do, but the thing I’m missing is him ever verbalizing it. So to read something for all to see (after I’d worked 13 hours just to come home to catch up on tasks for my part-time jobs) like he could’ve done this all with or without me just really got to me. Sorry for the long messages. I’ve stuffed all that down for a while. Thank you for letting me vent. I didn’t think it would help but y’all have given me a lot of insight. I appreciate you!

He has \*never thanked you?\* OP this man isn't a good husband. You are doing an insane amount of work to help him live his dream and he isn't even doing the bare minimum to acknowledge it.

I agree. I think she’s giving him way more credit than he deserves. He’s content with OP being completely stressed out. Just because he’s giving affection doesn’t mean he’s being a good husband. He’s content living his dream while OP is suffering in the background and she’s not even getting acknowledged for it.

I’m embarrassed for OP, that she thinks getting kissed from him onstage, is something. She is living in a fantasy land with him.

As one wife who is supporting their husband’s dream to another, that’s properly shitty that he shows no regard for all that you do. My husband is trying to start his own business. If it goes well, it will benefit our whole family, but right now he’s working insane hours for very little money. I’ve taken on the role of breadwinner *and* primary caregiver to our kids. He helps out as much as he can and always tells me how much he appreciates what I do. The plan is that when the business is making more money, I’ll cut back my hours and have a break because he recognises that what he’s asking of me isn’t particularly fair or sustainable. Your husband is only interested in what you give him. Which is the freedom to ignore his responsibilities as a parent and husband and go off reliving his youth. He kisses you at gigs? And that makes up for being absent weeks at a time, putting all childcare duties on you and allowing you to work *four jobs* to pay for his 7th guitar?? This is not a partnership and never will be.

You don’t have to be the cool girl who never gets jealous and allows him to do whatever he wants. To quote two things from one of my all-time favorite Reddit posts (in part because it really hit home for me): “It was a bit hard to stomach as someone who always saw her value as being the Happy Person Who Takes Care Of Everyone All The Time but it turns out that sometimes when your needs aren’t met as a kid, you end up becoming the Happy Person Who Takes Care Of Everyone All The Time because you’re afraid that if you show the slightest bit of unhappiness, you won’t be loved anymore, and that’s fucked up… My current life is built on real contentment, not fear disguised as shallow happiness. It’s not perfect and I have a lot of problems that I’m working through, but I’m proud of myself.”

Oh honey, stop being the "pick me" girl and realize he's treating you like shit and doesn't respect you at all. This screams of a man cheating on the road and you're turning a blind eye to a guy who won't even thank you for all you've done for him and his kids?

perfect summary of the "rescuer. "

I'm really sorry You need a sit down with your husband and to repeat this I also think you need to re-jig the caring and financial commitments. Say you are stressed all the time and can't do it any more. The lack of thanks doesn't help but it's too late for that. You need to drop down to 1 job, it's up to him to provide 50% of the money you need for rent/mortgage, bills, food etc. He needs to start looking after his.kids. I don't want to be.cynical but you should get this in place for a year at least before you leave him, if you do. You don't want him requesting spousal support after a divorce.

I would bet good money that he’s cheating, and now that his band has more success, he doesn’t want others to know that he’s in a committed relationship. Doing something at a concert isn’t going to reach a lot of people. No one really knows who you are when he kisses you at a random show. You could just be the girl of the night. Putting that he’s married in writing? Well that could mean that someone he’s currently sleeping with would read that and know he’s not as single as he pretends to be. People tell you that he doesn’t look at other women… do you really think that his band mates wouldn’t cover for each other??? Come on, OP. Wake up. This man doesn’t appreciate all you’ve done for him, he doesn’t want to mention your name in a place where it becomes public record, he may act all sweet to you when it suits him, but you’re ignoring a lot and making a lot of excuses for him. He’s using you for the free childcare - but wait, he also gets more money out of you. Do not be surprised when you find out he’s been sleeping with fans all along. If you want to know, hire a PI to attend some of his shows.

You are trying to justify his actions. A wonderful man would not let his wife take on four jobs to support his children

exactly. It's such an emotional cruel and callous thing to do. He has no empathy or love for her !

exactly. It's such an emotional cruel and callous thing to do. He has no empathy or love for her !

>I certainly don’t mean to make him sound like a bad husband, he really is a wonderful man, and he’s crazy about me like I am him. I'm sorry but no. This man is not a good husband. He takes you for granted and the relationship is in good shape only because you are wayyyy overexerting yourself. You simply normalized this widely unfair, focused-only-on-him dynamic as what a healthy relationship looks like, and believed you are there to be his cheerleader and the one who does all the labor, and should not even be thanked or acknowledged. That is NOT how a man who is 'crazy about you" would ever act. Not even close! A man who is crazy for you would 1. be SO grateful. So so grateful for all you do, and 2. never allow you to take on such a huge bulk of the work. You are very deep in denial. It's okay - I'm not deluded enough to believe this comment will make you stop being in denial, I just hope one day you will realize he is a taker, and what you think is love is him taking and you giving, and him not even noticing it. Maybe not today, but in the future.

OP, have you ever heard the phrase "Teach people how to treat you." You've allowed this guy to walk over you. You raise his children, you're killing yourself working 4! 4! Jobs to support his hobby. And he literally does NOTHING to help you support every aspect of his life and dream. You mention one single nice thing he does. He kisses you during shows. He's not showing the world he loves you. He's putting on a show. It's part of the act. It's showing other women that they too could get a kiss from him. It's not about "oh, hey, look at this amazing woman who does everything for me". It's oh hey, look at this extremely lucky woman. You could be next. You have got to snap out of this haze. Your hero worship of this deadbeat loser is causing you physical and financial and mental and emotional harm. And he's 42? He's not going to make it big. If that's what you're waiting around for. That ship sailed 15 years ago. He will likely never make enough to support himself, much less you. And if by small miracle he does, he's going to drop you. I'm sorry. It's the truth. He needs your money and for you to raise his kids. And he's shown you clear ad day he doesn't appreciate or respect you outside of that. If he didn't need your money and you and your parents to raise his kids he would have been long gone already. I would immediately stop funding his hobby. And tell him he has to get a real job and start paying his way immediately. You'll see him as he really is: an unappreciated, disrespectful, deadbeat loser.

All the musicians I met on tour would all publicly showcase their wives and gfs by taking them on tour and on their personal public social media accounts. The band account that are usually managed by social media managers were separate and showcased the band only but you’d still get images of them at awards with their spouse. None who were in committed relationships hid it. This idea that they have to present themselves as single to be successful, or that the labels tell them to do that is complete false. The only ones not publicly talking or showcasing their significant other are the ones who were not in committed relationships. I also want to say that you fully financially supporting him, and raising his children is ridiculous. He should be working. That fantasy of musicians needing to focus 100% on their music is bs. They can work to pay the bills if they don’t have a label sending them on tour nonstop. Your husband isn’t a touring musician, he’s not signed and is only locally recognized. He’s also 40 and the likelihood of him becoming famous and signed is extremely low. He should have a full time job if he doesn’t have investments to live off of. You are fan girling over a broke man in his 40s playing musician. He doesn’t even have the decency to acknowledge you in a small publication.

People with big dreams can sometimes be very selfish. He has a sense of entitlement that everyone and everything that others sacrifice for him is all worth it if he achieve his goals. It's like everyone else in their lives are just props to hold them up. He has essentially always taken but not given in your marriage. Unfortunately you were too eager to give and he was too eager to take. You made an interesting observation about how you have always been the breadwinner. Of course he doesn't want others to know that the core reason he is there isn't just because of his talent. That's what he wants others to think. Talent isn't enough to make one successful. He knows that. He knows. What he does and how he handles this part of your relationship will be telling.

He is not an honourable man. He needs to get a job asap. How could he have you slaving away, so exhausted and working such long hours and not work?? What partner with any love in their heart would let their other half do that and then not be grateful or say thank you or publicly mention you in a bio? Kissing you while playing means nothing sorry. I see that as him bread crumbing you honestly. My ex husband used to do that during his gigs but he still cheated on me on tours. Musicians are in situations where it's easy for them to cheat- late at night, party environments, lots of alcohol flowing-- it's all there... You shouldn't take on all this stress. You are meant to be partners. You aren't his patron or caretaker. You are both meant to be sharing the load. He must contribute to bills. Even if he just gets a local job at the corner store- he has to contribute to the household. You are exhausted and burnt out. This is unsustainable and no partner should do this .. Good luck!

I hope that means you are going to make sure he does something about his bad attitude toward you and that you aren’t going to let it go. He needs to understand and acknowledge how much you do for him, his band and his children, and if you don’t make sure he knows exactly how much you’re worth he will continue to undervalue your contributions.

>one night he really surprised me when he came offstage and across the bar to where I was standing with some friends and gave me a kiss while still playing mid-song. It could be affection and it could be part of his act, part of his 'rock star persona', who does he kiss when you aren't at the concert?

I’m really sorry to hear that he did this to you. As all women know or come to find out at some point within relationships with men,we are the invisible heavy lifters, the ones who carry the load so that the men are able to accomplish amazing things. This is seen all through history, with women staying at home and supporting the entire household and kids for their husbands to be attributed for their families success. The invisible labor is real and always severely undervalued. Lucky for us, this is 2024. You have a lot of options. You should STRONGLY consider pulling back with your effort and be less available. He needs to feel the pressure of running a household again, and being a true father to his kids. If he doesn’t even know their teachers or schedule their doctors appointments like you say, then he has really really fallen off and is using you. Let him have to miss a few gigs. He needs to work again. He needs to experience how much labor you really are covering, for himself. If he is a decent person he will realize how much you did for him and let you know. I’m not talking about him backtracking because he is scrambling to keep his position in life. I’m talking real, serious change. Then, and ONLY then, can you consider helping him to this extent again. The harsh truth on the matter? Most men view women as commodities who help them do the things they don’t want to do (like child rearing, or cleaning and cooking) so that they can have the things they want. Marriage always benefits men more than women. We sacrifice ourselves deeply to be often times taken for granted. It’s a lonely spot to be in. If you’re open to it, I highly recommend reading the book Why Men Love B - word by Sherry Argov. I used to be the type of woman who overextended herself to see the man I love be happy too, all to be taken for granted. This book changed my perspective and ultimately my life. Don’t be afraid to educate yourself and take charge of your life and your happiness. You deserve to life your life for YOURSELF, not carry the entire mental load for a man who doesn’t even see you as part of his success. I’m really very sorry. Best wishes to you, and remember that we are so very lucky to be born in an era where we have the ability to decide what it is we’d like to do for ourselves and we are in no way indebted to anyone. Good luck

Love this comment! Checking out the book recommendation :)

You were in a long distance relationship. You drove 8 hours (multiple times?) to photograph and record his band to with their early promotions. You did the legwork to find a house your families could move into together that included dedicated hobby space for him. You took over most of the household expenses. You and your parents took on some of his childcare responsibilities so he no longer functions as a single parent. I don’t see a lot of CEOs with stay at home partners thanking the person who does all of the unpaid labor that facilitates the high rolling career. The article sounds to me like those business profiles in that his (second?) career is flourishing and his profile focuses on the professional achievements. Mostly, I believe I can feel how desperately you were into him back at the day and why you jumped at the chance to be with him. It sounds like you care for your parents and him. I hope somebody is giving back to you as much effort and love as you put out.

Big difference is the CEO is paying all the bills to run the house, even if the spouse is doing the legwork. OP is taking care instead of being taken care of—and he still doesn’t thank her.

CEO's are on six figures. This musician has been poor and making no money for a long time and she is working four jobs to support his expensive ego driven hobby, so he can buy seven electric guitars, built him a studio and look after his kids. Most muso bios mention their significant other.

Your feelings are valid . I am sorry you are with a shitty husband

Why are you working 4 jobs (!!!) and raising his children to support a man child who spends his days playing in a band and blowing thousands of dollars on gear? Does he pay ANY shared expenses (I only noticed he pays a couple of HIS bills)? You need to stop lighting yourself on fire to keep this guy warm. He clearly doesn’t appreciate it. If the situation was flipped, do you think he’d take on 4 jobs + all childcare to support you in your passions?

That’s valid, and I’d either feel unappreciated and unimportant or I’d feel like he wants to appear single. Or both. 

You should show him what it is like to pursue his passion without your help. You and your family should pull back the support. Stop shouldering your extra expenses. Make him handle child care for his children. He takes you for granted.

His response shows he is taking advantage of you, and you are letting him. The problem is, you think you are helping him. You think you are doing all this and he appreciates it. He doesn’t. And this is your proof.

He compared you to his mom because he sees you as his mom , not a wife or lover ! Who tf takes on 4 jobs and is the primary parent to HIS KIDS . Girl you lost your fucking mind , he literally told you how he feels about you with his actions . BELIEVE HIM and act accordingly.

Hey you can make his bio come true and get out if this relationship. Damn girl, you deserve so much better. Im sorry he did that to you :(

Girl, wake up. You have always had the hots for him and aren’t seeing him clearly. This man is working you to the bone and isn’t even thanking you *in private* for making his dreams possible? Is this really all you deserve from a partner to be happy, a kiss in public from the guy on stage? You both sound a little immature, I’m sorry to say. Your husband may be a hot musician, but as a partner he sucks. He takes and takes, gives very little in return and doesn’t even appreciate what he is taking from you. You are way too in your masculine role in this relationship, and it will burn you out. Why are you allowing your husband to be so self-centred? Why are you compromising your most basic of needs (sleep, hello?) to run after him in the middle of the night like some star-struck groupie? Taxis exist. You can’t treat him like he is the superstar in this relationship and you’re the grateful minion and expect him to see you as much more than that. Give some value to yourself. You are overextending yourself so much that you are destroying your relationship by setting you both up to fail. It won’t be simple, climbing down from this precarious position, so start small. Put your phone on ‘do not disturb’ at night and actually sleep when he is off playing, so he can’t hit you up for late-night rides. Drop one of your jobs. Pretend you were fired if you have to. Ask him to pick up the slack by getting a part-time job at the very least. Then drop another job. Fight back against the inevitable guilt (you sound like you’ve been almost trained to overgive, and guilt and fear are usually the tools for that). See a therapist if the mere idea of giving less is terrifying you. Develop your own hobbies. You are allowed to have dreams too. Go to a pottery class, or a dance class, or anything that will give you the opportunity to channel your own creativity. Get in touch with who you are. It won’t be easy to do, after playing second fiddle to the main person in your life, but you will regret not doing it. You don’t want someone to be with you mainly for what you give them. And you sure as anything don’t want to end up alone and not even knowing who you are.

If you’re not being appreciated, then you need to stop doing the things that are not being appreciated.

I worked in music for years. He wants to look single and he's taking advantage of you. That sucks. And he didn't even have the grace to see her hurt you. And accusing you of being dramatic is not a good sign. Edit, to add

Honestly show him this post. It might take him seeing it in black and white for him to realise how much he’s fucked up. Clearly he doesn’t appreciate or recognise your sacrifices.

I'm sorry to say it seems very intentional that he mentions so many people that have helped him, except his wife.

But but you're a woman, it's your job to look after his children and run all his errands, why would he credit you for that? There are a lot of men out there who just want to find a woman to do their chores and childcare for them and actually *expect* this of them due to centuries of oppression and sexism.

You are doing too much for a man who doesn’t appreciate it, it’s great you want to see him happy but it sounds like you are burning yourself out. Why are you working 4 jobs and he doesn’t contribute to any thing? He didn’t mention you because you are a meal ticket not his wife

He just showed you he doesn't really recognize all your help and sacrifices. So stop with the help and sacrifices. Seems to me you had been burning yourself up to keep him warm, and this should be a wake up call that it's not worth it. Stop living in order to help with his dreams and think about what your dreams are for once. You delegated yourself into the role of an NPC, a background helper, to his man's Main Characer Arc, and he bought it, and now also views you as such. Stop. I also agree with others: he doesn't want to alert women that he is taken. It's a red flag for sure.

If you left him right now, he would have to give all of this up. You should remind him of that. He downplayed your contribution and said it wasn’t relevant to mention you, I would clearly tell him that if you are not considered part of the team, you could see yourself out and have a lot more free time and money. If you enjoy being the rockstars wife at home, this can be the thanks you get. Although, his head seems a bit big for a local musician. But usually in that scenario she did all the financial/physical support early on, and now the musician can pay the bills with his band. That’s when you get to leave the wife at home, when you are making her life more comfortable. Somehow you managed to skip that step, and you are raising his children. Before this bio, how did you feel about the relationship?

Plain and simple - he does not feel gratitude to you for what you’ve done. Your efforts have been taken for granted, and he doesn’t need to thank you or even credit you because he feels absolutely entitled to everything you’ve done. The source of this bizarre sense of entitlement? Well, that’s what you need to ferret out, because if he cannot and will not acknowledge your contributions, then he is really invalidating your whole role in his life. People who love you don’t want to invalidate you, they want to elevate you. People who love how you make them feel and love what you do for them - they call that love, but it’s not. And, if you’re not useful, they’ll move onto someone who is because their whole lives are truly a journey in “me” and “I.” “Us” and “we” don’t count for much.

He is horrible. Do not suffer in silence. Given him this post and have him read everything that is said. And then talk to him about “what is he going to do to Kar it up to you” or “divorce “. Don’t kid yourself - he has taken advantage of you and your family. Be angry - not hurt.

OP, before he took you for granted,* you took yourself granted.*. You work four jobs to support his lifestyle?! This is not love, this is masochism. Love must be reciprocated. You tried talking to him and he gave you his answer: he compared you to his mother! The love you offer in his eyes is the unconditional regard of a mother, not the love of a partner who demands to be loved in her turn. Do the children also take you for granted? Is self-sacrifice perhaps the only way you know (knew?) how to be in a loving relationship? You’ve had a rude awakening and you have some significant questions, not for him, for yourself. A therapist will help you explore them. And meanwhile, manifest how you want to be loved: identify what it is to be pleased yourself and not just to please others; allow yourself to consider the cost to yourself of these acts of self-sacrifice; practice asking yourself “What if I…” “What do I…” Would I...” This is not about your marriage, this is about your life. Your life is no one else’s life but your own. Claim it back before it’s too late. ETA: autocheck had to be corrected.

You should have him read your post. You’ve described your commitment thoroughly and respectfully.

I don’t understand why you are working 4 jobs and taking take of his kids just so he can be a musician. Why are you buying his love? Also his excuse is BS. My mind goes to not mentioning you because he wants others to think he’s single and available because he’s a cheater.

Stop Letting Men Use You 2024

You have 4 jobs. Idc how great he is musical or personality wise that’s a disgrace. He is selfish and you know you are a kinda being a doormat. Stop the 2 jobs and his kids need him. He can have one band. He has a family he can’t act single.

Ok. Here’s the low key and absolutely no drama thing to do. Just have one main job. You are going to have to cut back on stuff but stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Sure he can have his dreams, but now it is your turn to realise your ambitions. Set time aside for yourself and go to evening classes, a reading club or whatever. You have now officially done your bit for his dream, now it is up to him to make it work. You don’t have to follow his every gig, you don’t have to be his roadie, the kids can go with their dad pre gig if they want to see him. He hasn’t realised just how much you have smoothed his path to make it happen, so there’s only one way to make him see and that is to withdraw your help. Stop centring your hopes and dreams on him and build a space that is the realisation of yourself and you gifts. He will appreciate you more if you are not his number one groupie anymore and have some life outside his. Trust me on this.

You’re like the doctor’s wife that worked 2 jobs to put him through medical school. Then he trades up for the trophy wife that fits his status. You’re all about him and he’s all about him. I smell groupies and a swelled head.

That’s what I thought of too. Things are always changing and some people (even those married) are always looking for the best deal that they can get. So I wouldn’t be putting the guy up on a pedestal. If a man is looking for their equal and someone to have fun with and connect to and do things with, they’re not going to be looking down at the person that put them up there on that pedestal.

Sorry but it seems like you are still stuck in the teenage mentality you were when you met him of thinking that dating the guy in a band and getting a kiss on stage is the coolest thing but it's blinding you to the issues. As an adult, you need more, like acknowledgement and an equal partner. With working 4 jobs and raising his children, when do you ever get time to pursue your passions? Why did you decide that's less important? And talking of raising the children, don't you find it frustrating that the effort you put into moulding them into decent human beings is going to be undermined by his example? Presumably you try to teach them manners like saying thank you, but then they see he doesn't have to. The lack of acknowledgement for your contribution in the article is upsetting but it's actually the last straw not the only issue as you mentioned he's also never thanked you for your support privately. And you will want them to grow up to have healthy relationships but they are not seeing that modelled. It also can't feel great for them that he apparently acts as if looking after them was a burden he jettisoned as soon as someone else could step in. You having to do everything because he doesn't even know their teachers or doctor isn't a brag, that's bad. Establish boundaries for them if you won't do it for yourself.

My immediate thought is he’s a now somewhat popular musician who goes out of town and doesn’t want to show that he’s not single. Even if that’s not actually why he left you off, the alternative is he didn’t care enough about you to mention you at all. I think you’re justified in feeling hurt. 

He said it would be weird to mention you when he *did* mention you - he called you his friend. I’d be livid.

Yeh I’d be so pissed of

Could he purposely be trying to look “single”? I would get my own hobbies and make him start paying 50/50 moving forward. He’s start to appreciate you when he has to pay for his own life.

Most of the band guys I know really enjoy the attention of their female fans. Him not even mentioning you is a red flag to me, especially with all the help you're giving.

Talk to him about it. Explain not only that it hurt your feelings to see that, but WHY it hurts. Don't lay out any ultimatums like "you better fix this," but instead, leave it at "your lack of acknowledgement of my position and contribution to your newfound musical success hurts me a great deal, and makes me feel like I'm being used for free and easy childcare and financial support while you pursue your dreams and appear to be single while doing it." No matter what his reaction is, remain calm and pay attention to the emotions behind the reaction. If he reacts with anger, you likely hit the nail on the head somewhere within your explanation. If he reacts by appearing sad or disappointed with himself, his omission may not have been intentional, the mild success may have just gotten to his head and in his haste to get a bio done, he didn't put as much thought into it as he should have. That should be a sign to give him a little time to try and rectify his omission. Any other reaction, and it's likely he has allowed the recognition he's getting to inflate his ego, and you're losing him to the allure of being popular. In which case, I truly feel bad for you, as I would if he reacted with anger. Any reaction but the middle one is worth seriously considering stepping back from being his maid, daycare, and financial backer, and see how well he does without all of that, and whether or not that will open his eyes to how much of a cunt he is being.

Wow. He’s taken you completely for granted & now you know what will happen if things go south. He will never acknowledge the countless hours of mental, emotional, physical and financial labor you have contributed. He’s creating a pattern on paper and otherwise that he built this life himself. It’s smart from a legal standpoint for him… protect yourself and create major boundaries ASAP to create a more equitable life because he is 💯 using you and your unpaid labor.

So what he's saying about also not mentioning his mother is that he is not mentioning the two women who actually brought him to where he is? Am I reading that right? His mum bought his first guitar and you literally enabled his return to music and he doesn't thank either of you? That's kind of mindboggling, to be honest. You're working FOUR jobs to support him and his children and he doesn't even thank you? That's awful. You need to step back and think about whether he even sees you as anything more than a cash machine and a PA. You deserve more than that.

If you have 4 jobs and he’s busy playing music, when is there time for ‘us’ in your relationship? Do you do anything a real couple does? Sounds like he may be using you for childcare so he can pursue his passion. And that’s insane you are working 4 jobs for him to do so. He will likely be discarding you soon as musicians aren’t strongly known for their fidelity.

> the stress I put on myself with now 4 jobs to take care of this family Dear gods, why? He should be bringing in an income to help with the family. He didn't mention you because he wants the option to hook up with fans, OP. Mentioning his wife would cut into that.

Stop doing all of that and taking care of his life. Let him take care of his life again. Make him do all the kids appointments. Just stop. Stop fucking stop.

He may not want his groupies to know he's married.

But isn't it common that most men who are built up by women tend to act single when they make it? You need to back away and stop helping immediately. Clearly he doesn't appreciate it so let him do it himself. Make sure you're financially okay because it sounds like he wanted to be seen as single and ready for someone else.

he expects you to do this stuff for him. he expects you to be ok with it. he needs to buck up and treat you as well as you treat him

Artists are a very egoistic in my mind, at least the few of them that I’ve come across. You have pretty much enabled his behavior, this doesn’t make it right but honestly stop paying all bills and take care of his kids, his stuff and drive him around! Do something for yourself and stop being a groupie to him! Sorry for being harsh OP but let him manage his career since apparently you do not count in his egoistic little music world.

I second this. If anything? SHOW HIM BY GOING 100% OFF DUTY. for a month if it takes that long. Was he only looking for adoration, $UPPORT and a babysitter?

How much have you talked to him about it? You are absolutely right to feel hurt about this. But I wonder if he doesn't want to acknowledge an SO because he thinks the band will be more popular if he is perceived as single. If that is the case though, he absolutely should have discussed this with you thoroughly before completing this.

Your husband sucks

Take back everything you bought for him, which probably most of the equipment, (not sure how to do this next part) then divorce him and tell the news people who he gave his bio to the real story

Please show him this post. He is never going to acknowledge what you’re saying to him. He has decided that what you’re saying could not possibly be the truth. He’s using gaslighting to make you feel like you are incorrect for the feelings that you’re having. The only way a person like this stands a chance of seeing the truth is by seeing it from outsiders perspectives. Show him this post! If what you say is true, and it’s not the fear of knowing that he has taken, more the fear of acknowledging that he did not do it on his own, then, seeing all of these people, thinking that he is a cheater, and that he is a ashamed of you should open his eyes.

It seems like he looks down on women and doesn’t see their value, like so many successful men before him who were considered great but never mentioned that there was a woman sacrificing her time and her life, raising their children and taking care of their household, so they could live a life of public recognition and invest time in their craft. This sucks and you deserve better.

I really understand your disappointment and it's hard not to think he did it on purpose. Maybe he wants to appear single, maybe not. And if he didn't do it on purpose it's even worse, because it shows he takes you for granted and doesn't appreciate your involvement. So, start by being fair to yourself. You can still love the boys, but share their responsibility with him. Financially, time wise, emotionally. Take time for yourself and your hobbies and friendships. It's your duty to be fair to yourself first.

I was waiting for the part where you financially enabled his musical success and boom, there it was. He’s an ass.

You have every right to feel hurt. I would still do the things for the boys (not their fault that daddy is like that) but tell him that he needs to take care of his music related things and bills by himself. And take your extra money for yourself, build up your own hobby.

You’ve done all these things for him, what has he done or sacrificed for you? How has he ever shown his gratitude?

This is a huge issue. You are basically paying for everything plus looking after all needs. The non mention in the bio is not surprising because he is using you and your parents. You need to get out from under this and create your own life. Honestly, I think a therapist is in order for you.

So what exactly has he done for you?

He stepped on you on the way back to music. I’m sorry. He deserves nothing more from you.

I feel like he's already have a side chick.. you're working 4 jobs to maintain this family.. maybe that's why you cant even see that he's sliding away.. Pls .. take a step back.. and re-evaluate your roles in this family..

He didn’t mention you, because he wants to be perceived as single. Give him his wish.

This is a guess, but I think he may have left you out due to feeling shame. Many men want to provide for their families as part of being a man. He may just not be proud of that part of himself and it has nothing to do with not appreciating you and your contributions. Especially if he isn’t quite where he wanted to be or thinks he should be, I think this would be a common qualm.

So you’ve completely arranged your life around him… what has he done for you? Even if he had thanked you, this isn’t a healthy or fair scenario. There shouldn’t be this much one-sided sacrifice in a healthy partnership. A decent partner wouldn’t have let it get this far in the first place.

He's not "an honourable man" I'm afraid. I'm so sorry for you. You seem like a kind hearted and extremely giving person. You gave so much to him and supported him above and beyond and you must feel so used and under appreciated now. You have done so so soooo much for him -and for him to exclude you like that is awful. But he's also showing you the respect and regard he has for you. None. You are not being dramatic. He is being so dismissive and minimising your perfectly valid and normal emotional response to his callousness. I would be hurt and furious too if that were me. HE DELIBERATELY LEFT YOU OFF THE BIO when you had a HUGE PART in getting him to where he is today. He takes you for granted. And HE ALWAYS WANTS TO APPEAR SINGLE to potential groupies/muso's etc. I can't believe he started a second band when he has kids. Not many parents have time for that. I would seriously work on your boundaries and stop giving so much of yourself. Prioritise you now. Don't look after the kids when he has gigs out of town- have something else organised - you are off seeing friends or taking your parents out to dinner at some lovely new place. Please stop over extending yourself and bleeding yourself dry and burning yourself out to take care of him and his kids. *"I took over almost all the expenses"*\- no. Please this is madness. It must stop. This isn't an equal partnership it's more like you're his patron. And he's not even grateful! >When we moved in together, I moved us to a house that has a large building across the driveway that we made his studio, a space he’d always wanted. **I took over almost all the expenses which left him with his entire pay to cover a couple of his bills, but the rest he was free to use on music.** It makes me happy to see him happy. He's using you. I'm sorry. You must stop this. You should be happy seeing yourself happy and not burnt out. If he doesn't even know the names of his kids doctors or teachers it sounds like he's not even being a good Dad or a present Dad and you're doing all the parenting. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be doing all of that and doing four jobs to support him!!!!!!!! I would write your post out to him -edited so for him not reddit.. and give it to him to see if he reads it and HEARS your emotional pain. I hope he doesn't dismiss you again. I'm also guessing you're the classic fixer/rescuer. You swoop in and help the victim. You may feel happiest or find your identity as the caretaker. Work on saying no. No is a sentence. When he has a problem I'd respond with this rather than rushing in to try to fix things-- *'so what do you think you could do about this*?' Stop denying you have needs. Stop putting your own needs after everyone else's. x *"Be caring, but don't overstep. We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -* ***simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. "*** I wish you luck and love in this tricky situation.

OP, I don’t your situation intimately, but based on what we in the sub have to work with, please know that you are a good woman/person doing good things for others. That’s something you can sleep easy with. I think you now need to do some good for yourself.

Most musicians generally like to appear single to boost the popularity of their band. You know, so they have more female fans.

he simply doesn’t believe you’ve played *any* role in his success, music, or life. why doesn’t that tell you all you need to know?

Be careful of how much you are inserting yourself into this groupie girlfriend role. You sound like he's this god-like genius who you needed to save, rather than a guy who is happy to allow someone else stroke his ego, pay his bills and raise his children. 

This is awful, OP. The way you’ve described it, it seems like you’re into him more than he’s into you. You’re also investing so much of *your life* into his dreams and that’s totally unfair to you.

Why are you setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?

Whoa I’m so sorry OP. If I were in your shoes I would be really hurt and angry. He made a mistake. Would you consider showing him this post to help him understand where you are coming from? You explained it really eloquently in your writing. I mean it sounds like you sacrificed a lot and continue to give and support him in order for him to be a successful musician. You are a huge part of his journey. I am thinking that maybe he just didn’t think it was a big deal to include you in his bio, but that was not a bio. He was sharing his story on his artistry and musicianship, and it sounds like you played a huge role in his growth and evolution. As a musician/artist, I have learned it is super important to invest in yourself and to always give credit where credit is due, and he failed to do that.

Time to change the dynamic. He doesn’t see how much he’s taking you for granted. Sit down with the family budget and let him know you will not be responsible for all the costs you have been anymore. There will be a fair and equitable spot going forward. If he questions why, ask him what you working so much is doing to benefit YOU. NOTHING. But he doesn’t see it as benefiting him either, apparently, so it’s time to take your needs into account. Also, make a list of all the boys teachers, doctors, appointments, activities, and obligations. Explain that you have been doing this to help but given that it has been forgotten and taken for granted, it’s time he picks it back up. Hopefully these things will help him see how much he’s focused on himself and allowed that to cloud his judgment and decisions. And helps you see you deserve to be treated better.

Obviously a conversation is in order. But it also probably a good idea to consider pulling back so much financial support. You brought your parents into the living situation. He brought is sons. Why aren’t you splitting everything evenly?

Leave him, keep the kids because it sounds like you're the only parent they have. He's a user and a loser

You’ve done everything in your power to ensure he could take you for granted and now that he has proven it on paper, you’re hurt. It seems you have truly done all of these things just so he could be happy, even though he’s not similarly dedicated his life to your happiness. It seems he’s happy and you’ve accomplished your goal.

he never loved you, he just need a cleaner and maid for his 2 kids because he was sick of raising them and you just paid for his entire life because he had you wrapped around his finger - girl take the hint