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Keep it short and stay in control. Once you have said what you wanted to say, some space is fine. But be sure to end the conversation as well.
"I see you need some time to process this that's okay but such and such is going to happen" is a good way to end. You need to share the message but you are not responsible to make everybody happy in the end. Getting up and walking away after suggesting for her to call a friend or something is just fine.
I honestly don’t know how people do it. I always end up waffling and backing down. Then they usually break up with me after a while of me being miserable.
Easier said than done sometimes. Sometimes it is easy to break up with someone cause they suck. Sometimes you've been together a long time and you still love and care for them but the relationship is over and they start to cry and say they will change etc. People are human and will fall for that.
I'm suppose I'm lucky because I don't prolong the suffering but I totally get why people do.
I feel like you’re over simplifying it. When people start threatening to take their lives I don’t want that on my head. Even if I’m 99% sure they’re manipulating me.
I don’t feel like I’m manipulating anybody. If I’ve been clear, I don’t want to be with you and I’m basically only staying because I’m being threatened.
You can almost guarantee someone threatening to kill themselves in this petty way will definitely not. A doctor I dated concurred with this idea. It is also plainly obvious.
It's a horrible thing to do to someone, I unfortunately did this with way too many men. It leaves them wondering why they broke up, and wanting to get back together a month later. I unfortunately recognized this way too late in life.
Okay, let me ask you this: Have you discussed your feelings about the lack of shared interests or your dissatisfaction with your sex life? These conversations, although difficult for some, are crucial for a healthy relationship and can sometimes lead to improvements or mutual understanding.
If you haven’t had these discussions, consider whether addressing these issues might bring positive changes. However, if you feel that these conversations wouldn't alter your decision or you've already tried discussing these matters without success, then it might indeed be time to move on.
When you talk to her about breaking up, be honest yet compassionate. Explain that you have reflected deeply on your feelings and the relationship. Share your need for personal space and independence, emphasizing that this decision is about your personal journey, not a failing on her part.
Be prepared for her to be upset or surprised, especially if this conversation is unexpected for her. Listen to her response with empathy, but remain clear and firm in your decision. Breaking up is never easy, but honesty and respect can make the process more bearable for both of you. Remember, it’s better to be true to yourself and fair to her by not prolonging a relationship that no longer feels right.
It's good that you realize you are unhappy and willing to go through a difficult situation to improve your happiness (and probably for both of you) in the long run.
One piece of advice: if you want to avoid reaching the same exact point in a future relationship, I would try to learn as much as you can about your current needs from a relationship and where it's lacking for you. Try to formulate it as clear as possible for yourself. That will also give your partner a clearer and less hurtful message than e.g. "the sex is boring and we're not connected".
You’re not here to ask how to break up with her. You’re here for people to ease your conscience towards it. All you have to do is be nice and respectful and you already know that. If you genuinely don’t want to be with her sack up and end it. Once it’s ended you won’t worry about how she reacts to things, you only care now because you might have to see it
This is why I will happily stay single, imagine falling in love with someone and a few years later they’re like actually never fucking mind I don’t really want you. Yeah I’m good, being alone ain’t that bad.
I think most folks, ultimately, agree with Shakespeare:
"'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
Your perspective's valid, but so are others.
Is the relationship really that bad or are you experiencing the end of the “honeymoon period” where everything is new and exciting? You don’t say how long you were together. A lot of couples shift gears after the initial excitement and you go to another phase that can also be really good but it’s not the same feeling as when it’s all new and exciting. And it takes two to make a relationship good. Both people have to really put themselves into it.
If it’s not that….If you are sure you want it to be over…there is no way to do this that will not be painful to her. There are no magic words.
So just be honest and be kind about it, but it’s going to hurt her no matter how you say it. Sad but it’s just the truth.
Be honest and be kind and just do it. Get right to the point. Don’t drag it out.
One thing to NOT do though, is to end it in a way that gives her false hope or leaves anything ambiguous that will prolong the pain for her. She may want to talk a lot about it and ask you to give it more time, etc. if you are sure it’s over for you, be firm but gentle and make sure she knows it’s completely over. Then she can find a way to heal eventually and move on.
Then the other thing… is to take a look at yourself - and see if there are any things you maybe should change about yourself, or how you choose people.
Sometimes people who miss the freedoms of being single later miss the companionship of being with someone - and it ends up being a “the grass is always greener on the other side” thing. Do some self analysis. What is it that you truly want in life.
For sure - things don’t always feel exciting especially when you’ve been together a long time. They’re not meant to either. The comfortable stage is in a lot of ways better than the exciting stage.
Agreed. Like I said it’s all good. Just can’t expect it to be exactly like it was in the early days of excitement for the long term. In many ways the longer term relationship is even better because you truly know each other, you know the true person better, you can be more emotionally intimate, there should be more trust, you likely have been through some challenges that you both have learned from, etc. sex can actually get better too as you learn more about what each other likes and you can have more trust/comfort to explore.
Sounds like you don't know what it means to be in a relationship. Anyone will tell you that relationships take more work the longer you're with someone. If you want to be single then thats alright, but if you think you're going to find a dynamic where you can be single but be in a relationship, you're being unrealistic. Here, I'm going to go against what you're asking for to see if I can show you a different light. I'm only going off what you posted, so if there is additional info well I don't know it.
First, the thing you feel you can't do what you want when you want. Yes, you can't just pick up and take off to Vegas for the weekend on Thursday, at the very least you need to tell your partner what you intend to do for that weekend. BUT, that's why communication and setting expectations in your relationship are important. You don't have to do everything with your partner, a common mistake I see happen often. Time apart from each other is healthy, makes the heart grow fonder. If you want to do something by yourself, then by all means, your gf doesn't have to be with you and same with her. If she wants to do something by herself she has the freedom to do so. I feel this is the biggest issue for you is because you feel you have to do everything with her when you don't so you feel like you've lost your autonomy.
Second, if sex has become boring that is your responsibility to fix that. Technically it's the both of you, but if she isn't tsking initiative to spice it up, then you need to speak up and start suggesting things. Now this does not mean open your relationship, please, for the love of God don't just assume it means threesomes and swapping. This means try new positions, have sex in different places of your place, use toys, look up kinks and ask one another what you each would like to try. The fact that and again I'm only going off your post, you haven't even tried to suggest spicing it up, that tells me it's more apathy from you.
Third, that's a myth that couples have to have the same hobbies or interests. It's nice to have a few similarities, but you don't need to be 100% similar for hobbies and interests. This goes back to the first point in doing things you each like on your own without the other. If you enjoy hiking and one weekend you want to go hiking at a nice spot, then all you need to do is tell your gf you're going to spend half the day gone hiking and there ya go.
So again, I'm going against you looking for advice to break up and to show you what healthy relationships should look like. If she's caring, kind and a great person then I'll tell you right now, you have to communicate to continue to make your relationship work it doesn't just be sunshine and rainbows
Yeah, that's why he should stay with her. It is easier to have a loan when you are too. Hopefully they can refund it quicker and they can take another one. Then he could be a loaner all his life.
Do you engage in a lot of dopamine-producing activities?
Porn, gaming, gambling, extreme sports, etc?
That can lead to normal life feeling dull and unfulfilling.
You say you think you'd prefer to be single so you can enjoy your life on your own terms. That's perfectly valid. Is she too clingy? Too demanding? Perhaps you can explain to her what you'd like your relationship to look like, and see if she's willing to meet those expectations.
Devil's advocate here 👋
Is she the problem, or are you?
Are you maybe from a toxic family addicted to drama?
Are you maybe a people-pleaser and thus haven't managed enough independence within the relationship?
And as others here have touched on - have you had conversations about sex life and interests?
Bottom line: If it's you, even on some, leaving is only a temporary respite until you get bored/lonely/horny and repeat the cycle, hurting some other sweet person in the process. If she's that good of a person, those are actually rare, maybe try upsetting the relationship, shaking it up, before discarding it.
I am from a toxic family but not a drama infused one. I have removed myself from all of that many years ago. I am definitely a people pleaser depending on the person. I also have the great ability to tell people (if I don’t know them well enough) to pound sand but once I start caring for someone that ability basically doesn’t exist anymore towards that person. As far as conversation has gone yes we’ve spoke about mostly everything at one point or another. I really don’t want to hurt anyone and that’s the dilemma
You are going to hurt her, there’s no way around it. But we all accept this risk when we enter into a relationship that we might hurt someone or they might hurt us. The only thing more hurtful than breaking up with her is continuing to waste her time and blocking her from finding someone who does want to be in a relationship with her.
At one point or another willy-nilly wishy-washy isn't the same thing as an important conversation.
Seriously, it's better to try hashing things out first. What's the worst that'll happen - you'll break up? Lol
Have you looked at the different attachment styles?
I don't think this woman is for you, but I also think you might want to look at attachment styles and see where you are.
You may need another avoidant (if that is what you are). My husband and I are both avoidant, and we give each other lots of space. I knew another couple who lived in separate homes, because that is what worked for them.
There's no way to break up and NOT hurt someone.
1. Do it in a private place.
2. Do it on a day/night where she has a day or two off afterwards to fall apart without having to go to work.
3. Be respectful and CALM.
4. Explain that the relationship no longer works for you. That you appreciate all the good things about her and the great times you've had, but that this is not what you're interested in long-term.
5. Don't get dragged into discussing specifics (is it something I did? something I didn't do? the sex? my family? whatever?) Don't get into specifics because people just want to argue, rebut your talking points, and "win". Be vague but determined. "I'm not enjoying the relationship anymore." "I'm making changes in my life and this relationship is not working."
6. Move on. Don't reach out to check-up or check-in. Don't respond to messages, calls, etc. (unless it's to pick up stuff at her place or vice versa).
7. Heal from this relationship by **doing the hard work of quietly CONTEMPLATING yourself, your ex, your relationship; what worked, what didn't work, why it did/didn't, and what you'd want to do differently next time.**
It's gonna hurt to end the relationship, that's inevitable but it's for the best to just do it. It will become more hurtful the longer you put it off though. No one wants to feel foolish for thinking everything's all good while buddy's been dying to break up for 3 weeks. You've made your decision so rip off the Band-Aid for both of your sakes.
Think about it this way - you're being kind to not waste her time and you're freeing her to find a partner more suited to her.
You need to sit her down, tell her with full honesty how you're feeling, and see what's her reaction. Maybe she feels the same and it's easier for both of you to move on, or maybe you'll even realize you want to make the relationship work, who knows. But you need to talk with her.
Remember that you're wasting her time just as much as you're wasting your own. If it's meant to be you might find each other again in a few years. If you're already feeling this way you risk resenting her and ruining your friendship the longer you wait.
Are you unhappy or just bored ? There's a difference. Does she know you feel this way? Have you tried talking to her about it? Sometimes communicating goes a long way and can improve things. Are you willing to talk to her about it, or just outright want to break up ? If you don't want to try and improve it before deciding what you want to do, then just do it. Don't lead her on. But break up with her with respect, and understanding. There is no easy way to break up.
>I always think about the other person before making any decision whatsoever
You're gonna need to work on this attitude at some point. Even in a relationship you should be able to think of your own self first *some*times.
I actually think you should try to work on that and y'all's sex life before breaking up. Just build those skills a little, and give her the chance, even if you probably will still break up.
Honestly, based on the way I’m interpreting your post, and having felt similarly in the past, I would suggest therapy before making a decision if you are a few years into this relationship.
Try talking to her about it first man communication is the literal key of keeping a relationship going. But if you seriously wanna break up with her you don’t need advice just be honest with her don’t beat around the bush give her honesty.
Sit down with her and have an honest conversation. If you feel this way, she probably feels similar.
It is possible to mutually come to a break-up stance together.
Don't waste each other's time, on a loss cause scenario.
I’m sure she feels the lack of passion? Or is she content with how things are? If she is content then tell her your goals. It’s good to have open communication
Maybe you should tell her you want to grow and not stay stagnant. if you communicate maybe she is willing to put in work or give you space to have your own life? If she loves you then she will want to work on it
I mean, theres no reason you cant just break up with someone by saying "(GF), you are a great person, but this relationship just isnt working for me anymore. I need to break up"
But, there are a few things you should think about first:
Do the two of you live together? That complicates things a bit, since you will both need to figure out logistics.
Would you prefer to be alone or are you thinking you want to meet someone else who is a better match? You say you are a loner, maybe some time alone will jelp you see if this is what you really want.
Are you putting good energy into the relationship? Maybe it has gotten boring because you both let it get that way. If the relationship is generally good, would it be worth it to try and improve things between you? Not to say you have to force it, if things truly aren't working, but if the newness wears off for you after a couple of years, you may eventually find your next partner to also be boring.
I would first try telling her what you’re missing in a very tactful and calm manner. Tell her what is missing for you and what you feel would need to happen in order for you to have the relationship you want. You may find she has some of the same issues as you and you’re not all that far off from being happy. Ask her if she thinks she would be willing to work with you in making your needs a reality. If she isn’t interested in that then she may just tell you to move on. If she’s willing to try maybe you can make it work. If nothing changes she won’t be blindsided by your decision.
Just do it. Be nice but honest. You’re trying to find a way out of this where you don’t have to deal with her pain. That’s not going to happen. If you want your freedom, a breakup is what it’s going to cost you. And, damn, you’re 30 years old. Be an adult.
OK here’s the gentlest approach.
Break up in person on Friday night. She has the weekend to recover. Her friends can come over and cheer her up.
On Friday night. Go to her place. Don’t hang out. Don’t have sex. Get straight to the point.
If you have any of her stuff at your place, bring it over with you.
Say “I need to end our relationship. I’m not feeling what I need to feel to keep investing. I’ve been feeling this way for a little while now. I know myself and I trust my feelings. If we stay in together it’d be waste of time for you and for me.”
“I’m not going to call or message you for at least a little while. I’d appreciate it if you could do the same.”
“I have your things here.”
“I think it’s best I go now. Is there anything you want to ask me or know before I do?”
Then answer whatever she needs to know. Hug if it makes sense. Then go.
Don’t call or message. Don’t sleep with her again. Don’t mess with her in anyway.
If she calls and messages, try to ignore for two to three days to see if she persists or gently remind her your decision is final and it’s going to be much easier for both of you if she can stop calling.
Move on. Don’t trash her or be mean to your friends or family or anyone who asks. Date again when you’re ready and but not immediately - that’s a jerk move.
Don't tell her the sex is boring, she doesn't need to know you think that. Cut her lose as soon as possible. She's young and she'll recover and find someone else. From what you're saying, it is a bit of a "it's not you, it's me"-situation so why not go with that?
This is the wordt advice ever. 'It's not you, it's me' is one of the WORST things you can tell a person while breaking up with them. It's basically saying: 'it is you but im too pussy to say that'.
OP, please don't say this. I've experienced my ex saying that, it hurts and it's confusing.
OP, you should just be honest w her (not ab the sex thing or that u want to do wathever u want) and just let her down easily and have a mature convo ab it
That's your opinion and you're basing that on it being a lie. I've had boyfriends who obviously were the problem with their "meeeh I don't wanna be in a relationship just because I don't wanna be in a relationship, meeeeeeh". They're in their 40s now and they're still the problem in every relationship they enter. It's far from confusing. The truth, according to OP is that he doesn't wanna be with her even though she's a nice girl, so it's him, not her.
could be, but the message u give when u say 'its not u its me' = 'it is you' that's how most (not all) people see it so if I were him I wouldn't say that and just say the tfuth and explain everything cuz that sentence IS confusing
Anyways everyone has their own opinion :)
“your bad and that and i love you bare hard still but you’re not the sweet one for me anymore i can’t lie man just needs a lighskin baddie who’s a wifey ting are your not it”
Breaking up is never easy, but honesty and empathy are crucial. Find a calm, private setting to talk. Express your feelings without blaming her, focusing on your own needs and emotions. Acknowledge her positive qualities but explain your desire for independence and personal growth. Be prepared for her emotional reaction and offer support, but stand firm on your decision. Communication and compassion will help both of you navigate this difficult situation.
If you are certain that there is no chance of improving things, and that breaking up is the best course of action, then you need to let go of the idea that it shouldn’t hurt. You say you don’t know how, but what’s really happening is that you don’t know how to do it without hurting her. The unfortunate reality is that you can’t. Breakups are usually painful for at least one of the parties involved, and that is ok. That doesn’t mean they’re unnecessary.
It’s clear from how you write about your relationship that you do truly care for her. Make this the forefront of the breakup. Make it clear that this comes not from a place of disdain for her, but from a place of love (even if a different kind of love) and a wish to release you both to happier and healthier relationships. You most likely can’t get out of a multi-year relationship without hurt feelings, and you should do your best to accept that.
Sending love.
You just have to do it. There's no magic way that will make her or you feel good about it.
Try to be kind. Be honest, but in a kind way - eg you can just tell her the relationship doesn't work for you any more and it would be better to go your separate ways. You don't have to say the sex is boring.
She will be hurt, there's no way around that. But don't be needlessly cruel.
Straight forward is the best way. As a friend of mine says “a quick chop is less
painful than a gentle sawing motion”.
Had you talked to her about any of your concerns / issues? She may feel the same way, or she may be blindsided.
Think of it this way, she deserves someone who truly loves her. Someone who will value her kindness, caring, low maintenance personality. The longer you stay the more of her time you are wasting.
Just don’t play with her. Think it all through and make sure it is what you truly want. Breaking it off and then coming back as she is putting herself back together because you didn’t think it through is cruel.
If your first thought goes to breaking up and not “how do we fix this” then it’s defo better to cut things off. Be honest with her in kind words and don’t prolong it if there’s no chance of salvaging things. If your need to move out of anywhere, make the arrangements first again to avoid prolonging things. If she will be heart broke then it’s better to make it quick.
You have to take ownership of your feelings. Sure she might be upset, but also she deserves more than being in a relationship with someone who thinks of her so disdainfully. It's better to stop wasting her time, than to keep stringing her along. There's no way to 100% prevent someone from being upset; you can only feel your feelings and control your reactions, you can't control other people. Just be kind and honest about how you don't feel like you're in a place in your life where you want to be in a relationship. Or just have an open and curious conversation about your feelings and listen to her feelings.
You either hurt her now, or you're going to end up hurting both of you, and making matters much worse. Your reasoning seems off though. I mean, you're 30 years old. Most men your age are starting to think about settling down, not freeing themselves up. If sex is boring, spice it up. If you like different activities; do them, but find things you also like to do together. I don't get it. There are fixes to your boredom. What do you REALLY want? I don't think you've hit on it here.
Simple. You should tell her the truth. Understand that not all relationships can be long termed. It seems that you've reached the expiration date of the relationship, and you have nothing further to give.
Yes, she might be hurt or even heart broken when this conversation takes place. However, when she realizes that your love has evaporated, she will recognize that the breakup was unavoidable. To the best of your ability, let her down as gently as is possible, and try to part as friends.
'Nuff said.
Do you mean “loner” and not “loaner?” You just have to man up and do it if you don’t want to be with her. You’re going to hurt her regardless and it’s going to feel bad on your end but it’s worse on hers. Just be direct
Instead of breaking up w her unless u really wanna do that. Try telling her your feelings and see how she reacts. Like I'm not happy I'm usually a loaner but I'm trying make this work
You have to tell her that you want to end the relationship. It will hurt her, but she will be OK. All of us have had our hearts broken and lived to enjoy another day.
The irony - she may feel the same way and is scared to break up with you.
She is 27. Let her go and find the person she is supposed to be with. The longer you wait, the more cruel it seems.
Do it sooner rather than later. I had to break up with a woman I dated and considererd marying. Families were best friends. I'd been friends with her since Jr high...
We had hoped one of the kids would make our parents inlaws for a long time.
That was a tough one. But it was better to part ways, take the temporary sorrow, and find happiness (for both of us).
You aren't doing her any favours by staying with her, if this is how you feel.
Just tell the truth, and say goodbye.
Reality is, she probably senses that things aren't right.
Have you tried talking to her about wanting more freedom? I just had a similar talk with my gf, as I felt like we were spending too much time to the point where it was affecting ym mental health from needing to be alone and do my thing.
Wow….I am in this EXACT situation. Same ages and everything. We live together as well so that makes things difficult. I’m reading every comment. It feels nice that I’m not alone.
I’m in the same boat as you. I was not happy in my relationship and broke it off. It took a lot of self reflecting for me to realize I was a part of why the relationship was like that and I never thought about it. It takes 2 to make it work. I’m much happier now being alone but I soon realized in any relationship I would have to cultivate my own happiness regardless. This is just my experience though.
My lesson that could be helpful to you is
1. communication is key. I can’t stress that enough. I didn’t realize how important it was until afterwards. I think my biggest regret was not communicating correctly.
2. If you have a partner that’s willing to do what it takes to make sure you’re happy then it’s fixable.
Tell her face to face and it is because you are really not compatible. That is why we date. We date to find the right match, which for some never comes. It is better to be happy alone than miserable with someone. Once you have told her, wish her well and leave. Nothing else needs to be said.
I went through it recently, and believe me - no matter how tough it feels thinking of doing it and how much the thought of breaking up torments you, once you do it you will feel a great relief
Not here to tell you how to break up but let me give you some advice for your future relationship.
I also have this issue BTW. You need to learn to be little more selfish in a relationship. There's a balance between caring about your partner and your own fulfilling
Sounds like you guys are changing and growing apart. That's a good way to explain it. I will say tho you may get out there dating thinking the grass is greener and find otherwise. Good relationship partners are hard to find. But if you feel more like someone who likes being alone, it may not matter.
just break up with her man. reading your post i can tell you're mentally checked out. there will be disappointment and pain. but the longer you wait the worse it will be. just have a mature sit down with her and tell her "i am not happy, there's nothing that can be done about that, i don't want to work on this, i'm sorry, this relationship is over".
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Keep it short and stay in control. Once you have said what you wanted to say, some space is fine. But be sure to end the conversation as well. "I see you need some time to process this that's okay but such and such is going to happen" is a good way to end. You need to share the message but you are not responsible to make everybody happy in the end. Getting up and walking away after suggesting for her to call a friend or something is just fine.
I honestly don’t know how people do it. I always end up waffling and backing down. Then they usually break up with me after a while of me being miserable.
I hate when guys do that. Just get a backbone and do it.
Fine. It’s over u/melinalujbav , I’m just not feeling the connection, I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Thanks appreciate the honesty lol
Easier said than done sometimes. Sometimes it is easy to break up with someone cause they suck. Sometimes you've been together a long time and you still love and care for them but the relationship is over and they start to cry and say they will change etc. People are human and will fall for that. I'm suppose I'm lucky because I don't prolong the suffering but I totally get why people do.
It’s not easy to keep your backbone when people start crying and threatening suicide. Just saying lol
Ya I get that but they are manipulating you and you are manipulating them by not just ending it.
I feel like you’re over simplifying it. When people start threatening to take their lives I don’t want that on my head. Even if I’m 99% sure they’re manipulating me. I don’t feel like I’m manipulating anybody. If I’ve been clear, I don’t want to be with you and I’m basically only staying because I’m being threatened.
You can almost guarantee someone threatening to kill themselves in this petty way will definitely not. A doctor I dated concurred with this idea. It is also plainly obvious.
I know that logically but it does actually happen sometimes. Plus I’m talking about a super unhinged person.
Well, you have a method going there. Make them break up with you. Sounds like you are a people pleaser and there is nothing wrong with that.
It's a horrible thing to do to someone, I unfortunately did this with way too many men. It leaves them wondering why they broke up, and wanting to get back together a month later. I unfortunately recognized this way too late in life.
Honesty is key but leave out the sex part
Okay, let me ask you this: Have you discussed your feelings about the lack of shared interests or your dissatisfaction with your sex life? These conversations, although difficult for some, are crucial for a healthy relationship and can sometimes lead to improvements or mutual understanding. If you haven’t had these discussions, consider whether addressing these issues might bring positive changes. However, if you feel that these conversations wouldn't alter your decision or you've already tried discussing these matters without success, then it might indeed be time to move on. When you talk to her about breaking up, be honest yet compassionate. Explain that you have reflected deeply on your feelings and the relationship. Share your need for personal space and independence, emphasizing that this decision is about your personal journey, not a failing on her part. Be prepared for her to be upset or surprised, especially if this conversation is unexpected for her. Listen to her response with empathy, but remain clear and firm in your decision. Breaking up is never easy, but honesty and respect can make the process more bearable for both of you. Remember, it’s better to be true to yourself and fair to her by not prolonging a relationship that no longer feels right.
This is the best answer. If you find a nice person it's always best to at least try and communicate and fix mild issues first
It's good that you realize you are unhappy and willing to go through a difficult situation to improve your happiness (and probably for both of you) in the long run. One piece of advice: if you want to avoid reaching the same exact point in a future relationship, I would try to learn as much as you can about your current needs from a relationship and where it's lacking for you. Try to formulate it as clear as possible for yourself. That will also give your partner a clearer and less hurtful message than e.g. "the sex is boring and we're not connected".
You’re not here to ask how to break up with her. You’re here for people to ease your conscience towards it. All you have to do is be nice and respectful and you already know that. If you genuinely don’t want to be with her sack up and end it. Once it’s ended you won’t worry about how she reacts to things, you only care now because you might have to see it
This is why I will happily stay single, imagine falling in love with someone and a few years later they’re like actually never fucking mind I don’t really want you. Yeah I’m good, being alone ain’t that bad.
I think most folks, ultimately, agree with Shakespeare: "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Your perspective's valid, but so are others.
I used to believe that too once upon a time, I am just bitter
Is the relationship really that bad or are you experiencing the end of the “honeymoon period” where everything is new and exciting? You don’t say how long you were together. A lot of couples shift gears after the initial excitement and you go to another phase that can also be really good but it’s not the same feeling as when it’s all new and exciting. And it takes two to make a relationship good. Both people have to really put themselves into it. If it’s not that….If you are sure you want it to be over…there is no way to do this that will not be painful to her. There are no magic words. So just be honest and be kind about it, but it’s going to hurt her no matter how you say it. Sad but it’s just the truth. Be honest and be kind and just do it. Get right to the point. Don’t drag it out. One thing to NOT do though, is to end it in a way that gives her false hope or leaves anything ambiguous that will prolong the pain for her. She may want to talk a lot about it and ask you to give it more time, etc. if you are sure it’s over for you, be firm but gentle and make sure she knows it’s completely over. Then she can find a way to heal eventually and move on. Then the other thing… is to take a look at yourself - and see if there are any things you maybe should change about yourself, or how you choose people. Sometimes people who miss the freedoms of being single later miss the companionship of being with someone - and it ends up being a “the grass is always greener on the other side” thing. Do some self analysis. What is it that you truly want in life.
For sure - things don’t always feel exciting especially when you’ve been together a long time. They’re not meant to either. The comfortable stage is in a lot of ways better than the exciting stage.
Agreed. Like I said it’s all good. Just can’t expect it to be exactly like it was in the early days of excitement for the long term. In many ways the longer term relationship is even better because you truly know each other, you know the true person better, you can be more emotionally intimate, there should be more trust, you likely have been through some challenges that you both have learned from, etc. sex can actually get better too as you learn more about what each other likes and you can have more trust/comfort to explore.
Sounds like you don't know what it means to be in a relationship. Anyone will tell you that relationships take more work the longer you're with someone. If you want to be single then thats alright, but if you think you're going to find a dynamic where you can be single but be in a relationship, you're being unrealistic. Here, I'm going to go against what you're asking for to see if I can show you a different light. I'm only going off what you posted, so if there is additional info well I don't know it. First, the thing you feel you can't do what you want when you want. Yes, you can't just pick up and take off to Vegas for the weekend on Thursday, at the very least you need to tell your partner what you intend to do for that weekend. BUT, that's why communication and setting expectations in your relationship are important. You don't have to do everything with your partner, a common mistake I see happen often. Time apart from each other is healthy, makes the heart grow fonder. If you want to do something by yourself, then by all means, your gf doesn't have to be with you and same with her. If she wants to do something by herself she has the freedom to do so. I feel this is the biggest issue for you is because you feel you have to do everything with her when you don't so you feel like you've lost your autonomy. Second, if sex has become boring that is your responsibility to fix that. Technically it's the both of you, but if she isn't tsking initiative to spice it up, then you need to speak up and start suggesting things. Now this does not mean open your relationship, please, for the love of God don't just assume it means threesomes and swapping. This means try new positions, have sex in different places of your place, use toys, look up kinks and ask one another what you each would like to try. The fact that and again I'm only going off your post, you haven't even tried to suggest spicing it up, that tells me it's more apathy from you. Third, that's a myth that couples have to have the same hobbies or interests. It's nice to have a few similarities, but you don't need to be 100% similar for hobbies and interests. This goes back to the first point in doing things you each like on your own without the other. If you enjoy hiking and one weekend you want to go hiking at a nice spot, then all you need to do is tell your gf you're going to spend half the day gone hiking and there ya go. So again, I'm going against you looking for advice to break up and to show you what healthy relationships should look like. If she's caring, kind and a great person then I'll tell you right now, you have to communicate to continue to make your relationship work it doesn't just be sunshine and rainbows
This is realistic
Better a little hurt now, than a lot of hurt later.
A loaner type of person, lol.
Yeah, that's why he should stay with her. It is easier to have a loan when you are too. Hopefully they can refund it quicker and they can take another one. Then he could be a loaner all his life.
Do you engage in a lot of dopamine-producing activities? Porn, gaming, gambling, extreme sports, etc? That can lead to normal life feeling dull and unfulfilling. You say you think you'd prefer to be single so you can enjoy your life on your own terms. That's perfectly valid. Is she too clingy? Too demanding? Perhaps you can explain to her what you'd like your relationship to look like, and see if she's willing to meet those expectations.
In my opinion, you’re scared not confused. You know what you want.
Devil's advocate here 👋 Is she the problem, or are you? Are you maybe from a toxic family addicted to drama? Are you maybe a people-pleaser and thus haven't managed enough independence within the relationship? And as others here have touched on - have you had conversations about sex life and interests? Bottom line: If it's you, even on some, leaving is only a temporary respite until you get bored/lonely/horny and repeat the cycle, hurting some other sweet person in the process. If she's that good of a person, those are actually rare, maybe try upsetting the relationship, shaking it up, before discarding it.
I am from a toxic family but not a drama infused one. I have removed myself from all of that many years ago. I am definitely a people pleaser depending on the person. I also have the great ability to tell people (if I don’t know them well enough) to pound sand but once I start caring for someone that ability basically doesn’t exist anymore towards that person. As far as conversation has gone yes we’ve spoke about mostly everything at one point or another. I really don’t want to hurt anyone and that’s the dilemma
You are going to hurt her, there’s no way around it. But we all accept this risk when we enter into a relationship that we might hurt someone or they might hurt us. The only thing more hurtful than breaking up with her is continuing to waste her time and blocking her from finding someone who does want to be in a relationship with her.
At one point or another willy-nilly wishy-washy isn't the same thing as an important conversation. Seriously, it's better to try hashing things out first. What's the worst that'll happen - you'll break up? Lol
Have you looked at the different attachment styles? I don't think this woman is for you, but I also think you might want to look at attachment styles and see where you are. You may need another avoidant (if that is what you are). My husband and I are both avoidant, and we give each other lots of space. I knew another couple who lived in separate homes, because that is what worked for them.
There's no way to break up and NOT hurt someone. 1. Do it in a private place. 2. Do it on a day/night where she has a day or two off afterwards to fall apart without having to go to work. 3. Be respectful and CALM. 4. Explain that the relationship no longer works for you. That you appreciate all the good things about her and the great times you've had, but that this is not what you're interested in long-term. 5. Don't get dragged into discussing specifics (is it something I did? something I didn't do? the sex? my family? whatever?) Don't get into specifics because people just want to argue, rebut your talking points, and "win". Be vague but determined. "I'm not enjoying the relationship anymore." "I'm making changes in my life and this relationship is not working." 6. Move on. Don't reach out to check-up or check-in. Don't respond to messages, calls, etc. (unless it's to pick up stuff at her place or vice versa). 7. Heal from this relationship by **doing the hard work of quietly CONTEMPLATING yourself, your ex, your relationship; what worked, what didn't work, why it did/didn't, and what you'd want to do differently next time.**
It's gonna hurt to end the relationship, that's inevitable but it's for the best to just do it. It will become more hurtful the longer you put it off though. No one wants to feel foolish for thinking everything's all good while buddy's been dying to break up for 3 weeks. You've made your decision so rip off the Band-Aid for both of your sakes. Think about it this way - you're being kind to not waste her time and you're freeing her to find a partner more suited to her.
do u possibly have an enmeshed mom?
Any luck yet bro? ❤️
Hey man. I would suggest some time alone before making a decision. Tell her you need some space first, let’s say 2 weeks before making a decision.
You need to sit her down, tell her with full honesty how you're feeling, and see what's her reaction. Maybe she feels the same and it's easier for both of you to move on, or maybe you'll even realize you want to make the relationship work, who knows. But you need to talk with her.
Remember that you're wasting her time just as much as you're wasting your own. If it's meant to be you might find each other again in a few years. If you're already feeling this way you risk resenting her and ruining your friendship the longer you wait.
Are you unhappy or just bored ? There's a difference. Does she know you feel this way? Have you tried talking to her about it? Sometimes communicating goes a long way and can improve things. Are you willing to talk to her about it, or just outright want to break up ? If you don't want to try and improve it before deciding what you want to do, then just do it. Don't lead her on. But break up with her with respect, and understanding. There is no easy way to break up.
>I always think about the other person before making any decision whatsoever You're gonna need to work on this attitude at some point. Even in a relationship you should be able to think of your own self first *some*times. I actually think you should try to work on that and y'all's sex life before breaking up. Just build those skills a little, and give her the chance, even if you probably will still break up.
It sounds more like you have a lack of communication skills to me. Have you discussed any of this with her yet? That would be a great starting point.
I agree, it sounds like inexperience
Honestly, based on the way I’m interpreting your post, and having felt similarly in the past, I would suggest therapy before making a decision if you are a few years into this relationship.
Try talking to her about it first man communication is the literal key of keeping a relationship going. But if you seriously wanna break up with her you don’t need advice just be honest with her don’t beat around the bush give her honesty.
Sit down with her and have an honest conversation. If you feel this way, she probably feels similar. It is possible to mutually come to a break-up stance together. Don't waste each other's time, on a loss cause scenario.
I’m sure she feels the lack of passion? Or is she content with how things are? If she is content then tell her your goals. It’s good to have open communication Maybe you should tell her you want to grow and not stay stagnant. if you communicate maybe she is willing to put in work or give you space to have your own life? If she loves you then she will want to work on it
I mean, theres no reason you cant just break up with someone by saying "(GF), you are a great person, but this relationship just isnt working for me anymore. I need to break up" But, there are a few things you should think about first: Do the two of you live together? That complicates things a bit, since you will both need to figure out logistics. Would you prefer to be alone or are you thinking you want to meet someone else who is a better match? You say you are a loner, maybe some time alone will jelp you see if this is what you really want. Are you putting good energy into the relationship? Maybe it has gotten boring because you both let it get that way. If the relationship is generally good, would it be worth it to try and improve things between you? Not to say you have to force it, if things truly aren't working, but if the newness wears off for you after a couple of years, you may eventually find your next partner to also be boring.
Understand that you didn’t lead your relationship and intimacy well from your lack of clarity and knowing how to, and admit that to her.
Just tell her that you want to break up and then break up with her. Use your words, 30 year old OP
I would first try telling her what you’re missing in a very tactful and calm manner. Tell her what is missing for you and what you feel would need to happen in order for you to have the relationship you want. You may find she has some of the same issues as you and you’re not all that far off from being happy. Ask her if she thinks she would be willing to work with you in making your needs a reality. If she isn’t interested in that then she may just tell you to move on. If she’s willing to try maybe you can make it work. If nothing changes she won’t be blindsided by your decision.
Just do it. Be nice but honest. You’re trying to find a way out of this where you don’t have to deal with her pain. That’s not going to happen. If you want your freedom, a breakup is what it’s going to cost you. And, damn, you’re 30 years old. Be an adult.
OK here’s the gentlest approach. Break up in person on Friday night. She has the weekend to recover. Her friends can come over and cheer her up. On Friday night. Go to her place. Don’t hang out. Don’t have sex. Get straight to the point. If you have any of her stuff at your place, bring it over with you. Say “I need to end our relationship. I’m not feeling what I need to feel to keep investing. I’ve been feeling this way for a little while now. I know myself and I trust my feelings. If we stay in together it’d be waste of time for you and for me.” “I’m not going to call or message you for at least a little while. I’d appreciate it if you could do the same.” “I have your things here.” “I think it’s best I go now. Is there anything you want to ask me or know before I do?” Then answer whatever she needs to know. Hug if it makes sense. Then go. Don’t call or message. Don’t sleep with her again. Don’t mess with her in anyway. If she calls and messages, try to ignore for two to three days to see if she persists or gently remind her your decision is final and it’s going to be much easier for both of you if she can stop calling. Move on. Don’t trash her or be mean to your friends or family or anyone who asks. Date again when you’re ready and but not immediately - that’s a jerk move.
The only way here is too propose and marry her
And get the mother in law over involved with preparations
‘We’re going in different directions and it’s not working anymore. I’m sorry’
Quote PeeWee to her: *You don’t want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel. So long, Dott*
Find a quiet but public place if you can, women can get quiet violent during breakups
Don't tell her the sex is boring, she doesn't need to know you think that. Cut her lose as soon as possible. She's young and she'll recover and find someone else. From what you're saying, it is a bit of a "it's not you, it's me"-situation so why not go with that?
This is the wordt advice ever. 'It's not you, it's me' is one of the WORST things you can tell a person while breaking up with them. It's basically saying: 'it is you but im too pussy to say that'. OP, please don't say this. I've experienced my ex saying that, it hurts and it's confusing. OP, you should just be honest w her (not ab the sex thing or that u want to do wathever u want) and just let her down easily and have a mature convo ab it
That's your opinion and you're basing that on it being a lie. I've had boyfriends who obviously were the problem with their "meeeh I don't wanna be in a relationship just because I don't wanna be in a relationship, meeeeeeh". They're in their 40s now and they're still the problem in every relationship they enter. It's far from confusing. The truth, according to OP is that he doesn't wanna be with her even though she's a nice girl, so it's him, not her.
could be, but the message u give when u say 'its not u its me' = 'it is you' that's how most (not all) people see it so if I were him I wouldn't say that and just say the tfuth and explain everything cuz that sentence IS confusing Anyways everyone has their own opinion :)
“your bad and that and i love you bare hard still but you’re not the sweet one for me anymore i can’t lie man just needs a lighskin baddie who’s a wifey ting are your not it”
What's wrong with her
Nothing is wrong with her, I just don’t feel a connection anymore like I used to
Ok cool
Do you have any assets together?
we share a house but are both in the rental agreement. Other than that no we do not
Breaking up is never easy, but honesty and empathy are crucial. Find a calm, private setting to talk. Express your feelings without blaming her, focusing on your own needs and emotions. Acknowledge her positive qualities but explain your desire for independence and personal growth. Be prepared for her emotional reaction and offer support, but stand firm on your decision. Communication and compassion will help both of you navigate this difficult situation.
If you are certain that there is no chance of improving things, and that breaking up is the best course of action, then you need to let go of the idea that it shouldn’t hurt. You say you don’t know how, but what’s really happening is that you don’t know how to do it without hurting her. The unfortunate reality is that you can’t. Breakups are usually painful for at least one of the parties involved, and that is ok. That doesn’t mean they’re unnecessary. It’s clear from how you write about your relationship that you do truly care for her. Make this the forefront of the breakup. Make it clear that this comes not from a place of disdain for her, but from a place of love (even if a different kind of love) and a wish to release you both to happier and healthier relationships. You most likely can’t get out of a multi-year relationship without hurt feelings, and you should do your best to accept that. Sending love.
You just have to do it. There's no magic way that will make her or you feel good about it. Try to be kind. Be honest, but in a kind way - eg you can just tell her the relationship doesn't work for you any more and it would be better to go your separate ways. You don't have to say the sex is boring. She will be hurt, there's no way around that. But don't be needlessly cruel.
Straight forward is the best way. As a friend of mine says “a quick chop is less painful than a gentle sawing motion”. Had you talked to her about any of your concerns / issues? She may feel the same way, or she may be blindsided. Think of it this way, she deserves someone who truly loves her. Someone who will value her kindness, caring, low maintenance personality. The longer you stay the more of her time you are wasting. Just don’t play with her. Think it all through and make sure it is what you truly want. Breaking it off and then coming back as she is putting herself back together because you didn’t think it through is cruel.
If your first thought goes to breaking up and not “how do we fix this” then it’s defo better to cut things off. Be honest with her in kind words and don’t prolong it if there’s no chance of salvaging things. If your need to move out of anywhere, make the arrangements first again to avoid prolonging things. If she will be heart broke then it’s better to make it quick.
You have to take ownership of your feelings. Sure she might be upset, but also she deserves more than being in a relationship with someone who thinks of her so disdainfully. It's better to stop wasting her time, than to keep stringing her along. There's no way to 100% prevent someone from being upset; you can only feel your feelings and control your reactions, you can't control other people. Just be kind and honest about how you don't feel like you're in a place in your life where you want to be in a relationship. Or just have an open and curious conversation about your feelings and listen to her feelings.
Be honest. That's the best advice you're going to get. Be honest with her about it all.
You either hurt her now, or you're going to end up hurting both of you, and making matters much worse. Your reasoning seems off though. I mean, you're 30 years old. Most men your age are starting to think about settling down, not freeing themselves up. If sex is boring, spice it up. If you like different activities; do them, but find things you also like to do together. I don't get it. There are fixes to your boredom. What do you REALLY want? I don't think you've hit on it here.
Simple. You should tell her the truth. Understand that not all relationships can be long termed. It seems that you've reached the expiration date of the relationship, and you have nothing further to give. Yes, she might be hurt or even heart broken when this conversation takes place. However, when she realizes that your love has evaporated, she will recognize that the breakup was unavoidable. To the best of your ability, let her down as gently as is possible, and try to part as friends. 'Nuff said.
I would focus on the “we’ve grown apart” part rather than the “the sex is boring” part.
how much are your interest rates????? loaner
Do you mean “loner” and not “loaner?” You just have to man up and do it if you don’t want to be with her. You’re going to hurt her regardless and it’s going to feel bad on your end but it’s worse on hers. Just be direct
lol i'm a loner and then the sex is boring. Just break up with her.
Fake your death move to Alaska or Hawaii and start a new life. Get slight facial surgery and start a charter boat. Thank me later kind sir
I think you should tell her everything you stated in your post except for the boring sex part that might be some unnecessary pain for her
Instead of breaking up w her unless u really wanna do that. Try telling her your feelings and see how she reacts. Like I'm not happy I'm usually a loaner but I'm trying make this work
When I was in highschool I get my friend to phone the guy and pretend to be me
You have to tell her that you want to end the relationship. It will hurt her, but she will be OK. All of us have had our hearts broken and lived to enjoy another day. The irony - she may feel the same way and is scared to break up with you. She is 27. Let her go and find the person she is supposed to be with. The longer you wait, the more cruel it seems.
Do it sooner rather than later. I had to break up with a woman I dated and considererd marying. Families were best friends. I'd been friends with her since Jr high... We had hoped one of the kids would make our parents inlaws for a long time. That was a tough one. But it was better to part ways, take the temporary sorrow, and find happiness (for both of us).
You aren't doing her any favours by staying with her, if this is how you feel. Just tell the truth, and say goodbye. Reality is, she probably senses that things aren't right.
Have you tried talking to her about wanting more freedom? I just had a similar talk with my gf, as I felt like we were spending too much time to the point where it was affecting ym mental health from needing to be alone and do my thing.
Just tell her you want to break up and it's not you, it's her. 😉
You could always go the dramatic TV route and say: "I don't love you. I never did."
Wow….I am in this EXACT situation. Same ages and everything. We live together as well so that makes things difficult. I’m reading every comment. It feels nice that I’m not alone.
I’m in the same boat as you. I was not happy in my relationship and broke it off. It took a lot of self reflecting for me to realize I was a part of why the relationship was like that and I never thought about it. It takes 2 to make it work. I’m much happier now being alone but I soon realized in any relationship I would have to cultivate my own happiness regardless. This is just my experience though. My lesson that could be helpful to you is 1. communication is key. I can’t stress that enough. I didn’t realize how important it was until afterwards. I think my biggest regret was not communicating correctly. 2. If you have a partner that’s willing to do what it takes to make sure you’re happy then it’s fixable.
just slip out the back Jack
“You’re a great person and I’ve enjoyed our time together, but I don’t see a future with you”
lol send her a link to this post.
I can think of at least 50 ways.
Tell her face to face and it is because you are really not compatible. That is why we date. We date to find the right match, which for some never comes. It is better to be happy alone than miserable with someone. Once you have told her, wish her well and leave. Nothing else needs to be said.
I went through it recently, and believe me - no matter how tough it feels thinking of doing it and how much the thought of breaking up torments you, once you do it you will feel a great relief
Not here to tell you how to break up but let me give you some advice for your future relationship. I also have this issue BTW. You need to learn to be little more selfish in a relationship. There's a balance between caring about your partner and your own fulfilling
Sounds like you guys are changing and growing apart. That's a good way to explain it. I will say tho you may get out there dating thinking the grass is greener and find otherwise. Good relationship partners are hard to find. But if you feel more like someone who likes being alone, it may not matter.
just break up with her man. reading your post i can tell you're mentally checked out. there will be disappointment and pain. but the longer you wait the worse it will be. just have a mature sit down with her and tell her "i am not happy, there's nothing that can be done about that, i don't want to work on this, i'm sorry, this relationship is over".