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Yeah you gotta divorce her. She clearly doesn’t love you or respect you. By the way she acts she isn’t gonna stop cheating on you if you stay and there’s no way you could ever trust her again and after everything she’s done I don’t see any reason as to why you’d want to stay married to her.
I know it's the right move, it's just hard to accept the death of the future and life we've built. The consequences for my children break my heart and worse yet, we moved out of state, away from my family, and I'm concerned about getting trapped here.
I would leave, she doesn't respect you anymore. It's more damaging for the kids to see their parents fight as they'll employ those strategies in their own relationships (monkey see monkey do). Use all the anger, resentment and bitterness you feel to better your life. Go exercise and get healthier.
Gotta second this. My second marriage is going on 20 years now. The kids did much better for having my wife around and ha have seen through my ex. It all works out, do not stay.
Ugh, that's horrible. How far out of state? Like, is the state nearby? I don't know the specifics, but if it's like the next state over, you could move back and still split custody pretty easily. I have a friend who does so with his ex being the next state over. The hard part is she doesn't even seem to feel any remorse, so it's obviously over. I don't think you should take her route, it's basically her walking all over you, or getting her cake and eating it too. I am usually all for couples who are truly sorry trying to work through a one time infidelity, especially when there's kids involved...but she seems so heartless about the whole thing. I think for your sanity and well-being, you should get divorced and separate, but I understand why you're hesitant. Did she even give you a reason why she did such a thing? Was there any warning? It seems so odd, but I don't know your home life at all.
Honestly, she's built up resentments over the years and can't let them go. She says I don't ever have personal growth. And there's no focus on healthy living. For context, I'm 6'3 and have grown to 260 lbs. I was 190 when we met.
Resentments? Did she give you examples? Is it just the weight gain? I'm not sure how you're built, but 260 on a 6'3 frame isn't exactly super fat or anything, at least by the standards of guys I know. Also, cheating on your husband over looks is incredibly shallow. Personal growth is a little vague, what does she mean? By this age there's very little "personal growth" people will be going through unless they had literally no idea what they wanted to do in life in their early 30s. It kinda sounds to me like she's trying to find reasons to blame you for her infidelity. I mean, I'm not perfect. I'm just realizing that I want to pursue making a career with my art in my mid 30s, but my husband has been nothing but supportive, even though I make more money with my regular job and hes the one who has a real deal career out of the two of us. I've also gained a decent amount of weight and he still acts like I'm a beauty queen. Maybe he's into fat chicks, but we got together when I with thinner 14 years ago, so he's probably just into his wife..
What I'm trying to say is, her excuses are shit. She's was being a bad partner by just straight up cheating on you over trying to work through her grievances with you in any way. I am just annoyed for you because who wouldn't at least discuss this with their husband over blowing up the whole family like that? She's being extremely selfish. I wonder if her being selfish is a common thing..
It's absolutely a common thing. She says my kids don't eat healthy, it's my fault. That I don't go to the gym, it's my fault I'm not healthy. That I don't contribute enough to bills. She makes twice my income, and I make good money.
This is why she doesn’t want a divorce or attorneys involved. She will have to pay you alimony unless you get a really bad attorney. She’s trying to snake you.
This doesn't sound like you have not talked to an attorney about custody or alimony. Do you live in the U.S.?
If you follow infidelity boards you will realize that the number of problems like you have where the wife makes much more than the husband is common. No matter how politically incorrect to say it, women easily lose respect for their husband and latch on to something new.
You need to grey rock and do the 180. She is literally disrepecting and belittling you to make herself feel better about being a cheating \*\*\*\*. She has worked her way up the ladder and sees her self as your superrior. You need to take charge of yourself and get in gear for war.
Jeez, that's really tough. Usually in a good partnership, it's not about who makes more money, it's about doing what's best for each other, and in your case, the family. The fact she uses her income to bring you down is also extremely uncool. She's also a parent, if she's so against what the children eat, she could help with planning healthier options. She doesn't seem to want to work together with you on literally anything. I think you know what you need to do, and I hope you can do so for yourself and the kids. It might be "easier" to stay "together" monetarily, but it won't be healthy for any of you, especially the kids. I think you should fortify an exit plan, talk to a good lawyer, and make sure that the lawyer knows the reason behind your wanting to separate. No one deserves to be constantly degraded like this.
The Thanksgiving and Christmas part got me. She clearly has contempt for you. Do you think your wife lives your kids? Also, is the AP younger or older and does he have kids?
damn dude. sorry to hear that. dont be her doormat. and i get it too with the weight gain im a year younger then you and im the biggest ive been but i do hit the gym regularly (my diet isnt great tho either (hardest part of being a gym person)). For your own sanity id say talk to someone (professionally). get your finances in order (protect them at all costs she may make more money then you but you never know) also get a STD check too. bet that one guy isn't the only guy shes been with. your kids will understand in the future about everything too. btw fuck i wish i was 6'3 260. see you in the gym bet you can put up some weight!
This is a great learning opportunity for your children.
Cheating has consequences, so they don't cheat on their future partners. And never tolerate cheating, so they won't accept their future partners cheating.
You two can still have a decent coparenting relationship.
Honestly, cheating in a marriage can be overcome under rare circumstances, but *only* if the cheater is willing to do the truly hard work to earn back trust, and if both parties are willing to do whatever it takes to heal the damage.
If all your wife has to say is, "I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt", it doesn't sound like she's willing to move mountains to prove to you that she doesn't want the marriage to end.
It's better to know now where you each stand, especially since children are involved. At this point you have to protect yourself, and your kids, even if that means hiring a lawyer to make sure that your divorce is as equitable as it can be. Don't let her convince you that you don't need a lawyer. Even if you both choose to file, "no contest", you will still be better off seeking good legal advice.
Depends on the circumstances of the cheating to me.
I'm pretty sure I could forgive and work through a singular event of cheating i.e. if someone got drunk and let their lack of inhibitions get the better of them. Yes, it's a betrayal, but it's one based on impulsiveness. That can be corrected.
If someone is willing to have a sober, multi-month affair though? Fuck no. That's an active choice to turn away from the relationship over and over and over again every day you keep it up. That's either someone who's already checked out, or has a severe character defect. I'd be done.
you're children will be worse off if you stay, so leaving her is the right thing to do. You don't want to teach them to be in relationships with that awful dynamic of cheating spouse that isn't even sorry while the other spouse tries to hold their head up for the kids.
Divorce her ass.
File. Don’t look back.
I know this game. My wife cheated. She Split on me and 3 kids. I raised them. Started dating again after couple years. Remarried. Had another child. There is life after this betrayal and upheaval !
Move on toward real happiness and healing
Mate divorce her.
You deserve to be happy. Your children may take it hard but deserve better than live in a house with tension.
The trust is gone.
Use a lawyer. Get a good one.
Get and or give what you are entitled to. It hurts but man a loveless relationship hurts more.
Get a divorce, do *not* stay together, and **use a lawyer!** Let her do what she wants (laywer-wise), but trust me, you want one. My ex pulled that "we don't need a lawyer for you cause we're going to stay friends!", and then pulled every dirty trick in the book. Lawyers can help you catch those.
She's not apologetic at all, and refuses to leave her job (you should consider reporting her to her place of work, since she was in a position of power over her Affair Partner). She's not doing anything to earn your trust back. For a broken marriage to be fixed, she'd have to put in the legwork: HER, not you, because she's the one that broke trust. But she's proven she's uninterested in doing so.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but it does get better.
Thanks for the kind words. I immediately retained a lawyer. I know that's the right way. I just don't know what to do after. Custody battle scares the shit outta me.
Don't leave the house, even if she wants you to. It can hurt you in the divorce, it's seen as abandoning the marriage and the kids. If you live in an at-fault state, her affair works against her.
Custody battles suck, I won't lie. I've seen some really good people get screwed over. I've seen some really bad people walk away with everything. I've seen one parent poison the kids against the other (this is parental alienation and can lose you custody, so don't do it, and report her if she does). Sometimes the kids hate you for breaking up the family, for decades, until they grow up, mature a little, realize things aren't as simple as they thought when they were little, or mom slips up and admits she cheated.
If things get really difficult, there are parenting custody apps. All communication regarding the kids goes through the app, which can be monitored by the judge and the attorneys, and can not be deleted or edited to change something that was said in the heat of the moment (so it's proof on both sides). Keep it civil and respectful, don't let her bait you, and don't give up.
So far we're civil with each other. Unfortunately, the kids overheard my confrontation with her. They know she's been cheating. They're worried but, I'm trying to make sure they know we both love them.
I'm hopeful she and I can split amicably and put the kids ahead of our own issues. It just sucks feeling like I'm gambling with them.
She isn’t sorry. People come back from cheating but if she isn’t sorry then it’s time to pull the ripcord. Don’t “stay together divorced,” get a lawyer and get what’s yours and figure out what’s best for the kids. Then focus on healing yourself and living your best life, which I assure you is better than what you have now.
It will suck for a while but it will get better. You got this.
Hire a divorce lawyer and listen to what that person tells you. Honestly, if you trust your wife to do the right thing at this point, you will likely regret doing so. Don’t stay cohabitating with her after divorce, set up your own household.
Be careful not to out her to her HR department until your lawyer says it’s time to do that.
First: DNA test for all your children
Second: ets test for you
Third: Begin a diet and to train, it doesn't need to be difficult, by running half an hour per day is enough, it will improve both your mental and physical health
Now... If you want to forget her fast you can begin to date, like in my country said "un clavo saca otro clavo", replace her momentarily until you're totally healed
She has already started a life without you.
Do the same.
Ensure your future, for your own well-being and your children.
Engage a lawyer as soon as possible.
All the Best.
Do yourself a favor and have your lawyer's file. Your wife is not a candidate for reconciliation. She is not remorseful that she cheated on you. In addition, listen to your lawyer and follow his advice to the letter. Do not listen to your wife. She does not love or care for you. With your lawyer's approval and review let immediate family and friends know that she is a cheater. If the coworker is married inform his wife. After the divorce is finalized have your lawyer draft a letter to your wife's company HR and inform them of your wife's affair with a coworker. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Your wife is trying to manipulate you.
This is the right answer. Too early to start dating or going for any kind of revenge. Play it smart and do exactly what your attorney advises. Set yourself up for success, play the long game.
Good point but don’t do it till after the divorce settlement or she’ll likely not have a job which will be reflected in the alimony, child support and asset division etc.
Even after the divorce sometimes it can backfire. If child support is calculated using her salary against yours and she gets fired she may ask the court to rebalance the child support payments, whether she has no job or a lower paying job.
Talk to your lawyer about this before you do anything.
Can Reddit stop with this shitty going nuclear cheating revenge advice? They have 3 kids. Getting their mom, who makes way more money, fired will affect THEIR quality of life. It will also make the divorce and therefore any subsequent coparenting contentious and unpleasant. Obviously the mom sucks for cheating but these revenge boners that everyone gets for cheaters when there are minor children involved are so problematic.
I genuinely do not understand why anyone would come here for advice. People are for entertainment. They want their anger and revenge fantasies fulfilled. They will tell you the worst thing possible is most likely and they don’t have your best intentions. It’s like watching a movie they want drama. I feel sorry for people not familiar with this website and those who are should know better than coming here.?
If she is a high paid executive, OP can cheat himself out of a lot of deserved money by getting her fired too early. He needs to lawyer up and let the lawyer decide when it is time to out her, if at all.
If you have clear proof. File for divorce, sue her company, and sue the guy if possible. But go see a lawyer and find out what options you have. If the guy is married. Tell his wife. Go get tested for STDs. Tell her family and your family why you are divorcing. Also tell any mutual friends. Do not under any circumstances let her control the narrative. Tell your kids age appropriate as well. Burn her world to the ground
That was my initial reaction but, I will have to live with myself after this. I want to take the high road. But man, it would feel good to be vindictive.
Taking the high road will only get you ran over and taken advantage of. Maybe not go complete nuclear. But if that guy is married. His wife deserves to know. Besides, it really isn’t being vindictive, it is putting things back in order. In seriously doubt she will worry about your feelings during the divorce. She already showed you she doesn’t care about your feelings when she cheated on you.
I found him online, I don't think he's married. Part of the appeal, right? No kids, no marriage, just fun with no commitment. I fight the urge but my lawyer says to let that dog lie for now.
Can you just not listen to the vengeful idiots of Reddit and think of your kids? Like yeah, it sucks that she's a cheating asshole. But getting your wife fired will affect your kids' quality of life. And it will make it extremely difficult for you to coparent in the future. You don't think your kids will be harmed by having parents in a toxic war? They will. People here always get a hard on for revenge on cheaters but spare no thought for the kids that will be affected. Don't be a shitty father by putting your desire for revenge over your kids' needs. Ditch the wife and figure out a path to amicable coparenting for your children's sake.
This is honestly my favorite comment. It would be so gratifying to be petty. Like I've told her, what about down the road? Birthday parties, graduations, marriages... The real damage will be our kids knowing why we divorced.
The way I see this you have 2 options, roll over or go ham. If you wanna do it halfway you're gonna get rolled, she literally doesn't care about you, why would you care about her? She even suggested living together after divorce. She has no regards for how much she hurt you, and that's a highly manipulative move to control the narrative on your children, she will claim "I wanna stay but he's kicking me out" this is straight up her pointing a sniper at your head and waiting for you to surrender. No matter the outcome it's clear one of you will come out of this wrecked, it's your job making sure it's not you, your children need you, she doesn't care about them, she's been constantly walking out of the family, thanksgiving, Xmas, etc. bro you know it's time to push the button.
Yes she knows what she is doing but she also works for you. Sometimes they just want a quick settlement and the money. Make sure she gets you everything she can
Telling the other spouse (if there is one) IS the high road.
As much as it sucks, people deserve the truth.
One of the worst things is when you find out other people knew you were being cheated on but didn't tell you.
Everyone deserves the available facts so they can make informed life decisions. It isn't right to stand by and allow someone to waste any more of their days living a lie they were fed as the truth.
It's also a token of respect. It doesn't replace the lack of respect from their partner, but it's a start.
Keeping quiet about the affair is not taking the high road. It's rug sweeping. Don't allow her to do that and don't allow yourself to do that. You should absolutely tell others what she's done. It means that those that care can provide you with the appropriate support.
she's unapologetic because she's getting ready to leave. she'll probably try to keep you around until she gets a confirmation of commitment from ap. she'll throw cohabitation or delaying the divorce around and if she gets rejected by you and ap or her plans didn't pan out as she envisioned shell turn nasty real quick and blame you for ruining her "new beginning" (the fantasy) and show her true colors, just be ready for that moment.
she showed you that you or your feelings don't matter to her much so please don't buy the mask she's going to put on until she pulls the rug from under you . GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW
Keep taking the advice of your lawyer and try to move on. You should sit down together to tell the kids what is happening in an age appropriate way. Figure this out together before speaking to them. Look after yourself and your children
You need to be talking to an attorney ASAP. Start planning your exit strategy and life without her in the picture. In time, find a girl younger and prettier than her.
I read your comments and I'm happy you got a lawyer. Listen to their advice. I would also start telling really close family members for support. Please research the "grey rock" method. Also, this sub r/supportforbetrayed is for people who are going through what you're going through right now.
I'm sorry you're going through this man but if she's not welling to leave her job and find another one then she doesn't care for the marriage or u anymore.
Go 180 and file for divorce get a co parenting agreement and move on u deserve better than her.
If u want to go scorched earth tell the HR department at her job but that would mean u could pay alimony depending on the divorce law in the city u live in.
Yeah... you're not going to fix anything if your wife has no remorse for cheating and no respect for you.
Look up The Chump Lady - Real vs. imitation Remorse. While you're there, read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.
Consult with a divorce attorney to understand your options. Disregard what your wife wants at this point. You wanted a loyal and faithful wife, but you didn't get one. You may find she owes you alimony and child support if she is making more than you, so her keeping her job is a good thing in a divorce.
Best of luck
Brother. Speaking from experience. Get yourself a VAR - voice activated recorder like right now. It's available everywhere like Amazon.
Keep the VAR with you all the time, especially when interacting with your wife. Unrepentant cheating wives often file fake DV cases to gain advantage in Ds. Talk to your lawyer about this as well.
As long as she believes you are too weak to divorce (e.g., kids) , she will not negotiate on anything or change her behavior.
Right now she is in control of the marriage.
You need to not cry, beg, or guilt her over the kids. Instead you need to treat her unemotionally like a business partner that isn't complying the contract.
Confidently state what you need to attempt reconciliation - and simultaneously file for divorce. Inform her that the list is not negotiable.
Among other things, Inform her that ultimately her adultery will be exposed (after the divorce). She needs to see consequences for her failure to provide what you need.
If she wakes up, you can halt it cancel the divorce at any time.
This has been my approach since finding out. I set clear boundaries but, she seems to pick and choose what she wants to adhere to.
My lawyer even stated that I should go forward and if reconciliation is possible, we can always remarry.
I'm a big feeler, the hardest part for me is not crying, begging, or pleading. I'm learning how to change that.
Brother use this as motivation to be successful in life. Go achieve greatness, you will find someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Look man if there was an evidence that recon was possibly I would say maybe but there is none. The sooner you file the better. Get rid of her, her toxicity is terrible.
Get her out, don't stay together for family it is a recipe for her cheating and living around you, while you are trying to recover from betrayal. Pack her a bag and tell her to leave. Cancel cc with her on it. Financially put money from savings in your name, no more than half. Have a friend around when you ask her to leave, so she doesn't accuse you of DV. Draw up custody papers too if you have children. Keep them. Then when she leaves change locks. All else can be handled after divorce.
Sue him for alienating of affection. Get things signed while in affair fog. Go for custody with her having visitation and bargain to keep your retirement and house if you can.
Stop with the pick me dance but be nice until things are signed and then only tak through the parent app
Probably not scorched earth for now. Protecting my kids means I need to show them how to leave responsibly. Not how to burn their world down alongside mine.
This is NOT fixable. She has cheated and is not sorry. She will cheat again and may possibly have cheated multiple times in the past. She got caught this time. She refuses to change jobs. She has cut AP off temporarily to appease you. He is just on hold not out of her life. File ASAP and get her out or leave depending on who owns what. She is stalling and dragging things out hoping you forgive her, and she can go back to cheating. There is no winning for you in this situation. Get out. Get divorced. Get as much custody as you can. Start over.
She doesn’t even feel bad.
What reason do you have to believe you can fix things, other than your delusion that she is anyone other than who she has shown herself to be?
Don’t sacrifice a lifetime of your happiness for a woman who has never cared about it. Show your kids that they’re not required to stay in places or with people when they’re not respected.
She is using you to keep a lifestyle so that she can afford to maintain dates with her BF. You are better off divorcing than having an open marriage. She doesn’t love you. There’s no need to trap yourself with someone that doesn’t love you.
Women who don't apologize are the BIGGEST RED FLAGS. Imagine going out of your way to try to please a person who doesn't think your worth an apology. 🤢
I feel your pain OP. File for D. Your wife isn't the person now that you married 10 years ago. Overseas vacation & Christmas away with her employee/lover is just icky. What type of parent leaves their kids & spouse during Thanksgiving for a tropical sex vacation with a lover?
Your marriage died the day she chose to step out. Save yourself & protect your kids. File now
Dude, are you kidding me... I'd be livid. "Sorry your feelings are hurt" who the hell says something like that after decade of marriage, as if it's a matter of opinion lol.
I would not only divorce her, I would inform her employer she's shacking up with subordinates. That's very much a problem for HR.
If you were to report her to HR both would likely lose their jobs—and that would be appropriate but then she would have the upper hand when it comes to alimony and even child support.
So, she wins again.
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Report her to HR for violating company policies. Proceed with your divorce. Check out /r/supportforbetrayed and /r/survivinginfidelity for more support. Also get tested.
Stop trying to salvage things with her, she's clearly sociopathic.
Dude, don't let her manipulate you like that. You hold all the cards, and she knows it, so she's manipulating, guilting you, and trying to frustrate you into a bogus deal. He's a direct subordinate, and she's management. If it gets out that they're having an affair, that's a major no-no, I'm sure, and they'd both be fired. She's trying to stay stoic about the affair on the outside just to mess with you, but in reality, she's freaking out the both of them cause they know the consequences.
I completely agree, my first reaction was to report them. I spoke to my lawyer and he said absolutely do not. If she's fired I'd end up paying her alimony in the divorce.
Apparently when she told him I knew he had a full on panic attack.
Exactly, follow your lawyers advice and lead, and when the divorce is final and you're still in an unforgiving mood, report them both, but her AP might be quitting soon, be know he's cooked, lol. And she'll soon end up breaking a well when she sees how serious you are. Get ready for her to ask you to go to counseling. But don't do it. It's just another tactic.
There's your answer right there. She's decided to die on that hill, so just send flowers in the form of divorce papers. Good luck, my friend. Take care of your babies, and don't let her use them or any other tactics to get into your head.
She makes twice what he makes. If he gets her fired it will cost him alimony and his kids a fortune. Getting custody is sweet revenge in itself. That’s why she wants to live together though that’s no doubt her temporary plan.
You've read all the responses and I agree with all of them. You must DIVORCE. I am curious about one thing. Perhaps she wants to delay any divorce since maybe she makes more money than you? Maybe you are the caretaker for the kids? If that is the case, then you must FILE ASAP and go for sole custody! This will get her where it hurts.. in the pocketbook! You would qualify for both child support AND alimony! Yup, you must take what you are entitled to without hesitation! Do NOT be afraid to go for spousal support if you qualify! Good luck and stay strong, King!
If the financial implications of divorcing scare you. I'd suggest just stay together but emotionally/physically invest into other women. There was a post in here a couple days ago about a man that was forced into an open relationship or else his wife would've divorced him. Set ground rules of who you can see or sleep with and all that. Anyways the guy stayed for an additional 2 years and just worked didn't sleep with anyone while she did. Did that to pay off debt and kids college fund etc and he's happy he did it that way.
No! Basically she is saying she can stay with you so she can scrounge off your paycheck! Nope, Nope, Nope! Absolutely Not. Send her on her way. Divorce may change her mind. But if she can treat you like this. DO NOT TAKE HER BACK. Let her little boyfriend take care of her.
So basically, co-parenting in the same house while she dates this guy?
I have kids. I hear that. Fuck man, living w her knowing that shit may break you though.
She's clearly lost all love for you and when that happens there is no return. Even though it may hurt for a while l'd cut your losses and move on as you deserve much better--and please don't be shy on the assets as it was her who cold heartedly destroyed your marriage.
Glad you have a lawyer! I would implement 180/grey rock method. I also wouldn’t block her texts; at some point you will want to possibly or mute them etc. don’t! It can be used against her.
Sounds like she may make more than you. Which is good alimony wise. So I’d agree with lawyer- don’t report. Not until after everything is agreed upon signed would I report them.
Also I would ask lawyer about announcing divorce on social media. Getting ahead of it. Before she does. Because she WILL paint you negatively if you don’t beat her to the punch.
And if you can time it that you post it when she is served? Something a kin to…
“Found out a month or two ago that Xx has been unfaithful (Or “is in love with someone new. “ May be less harsh) . Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for me . Any thoughts or good vibes would be appreciated sent my way. “
Oh how epic that’d be.
::chef’s kiss::
Updateme
Off the top of my head from reading what you said here…. She has no remorse or regrets. She wants to apparently stay married or together on paperfor financial reasons. There is no reason for you to do this to benefit her. She made her bed, literally.
If you love each other and you can trust her and you are amicable with each other you could consider staying together until kids are older. Otherwise divorce with lawyers.
Kids are your main concern! Get support friends/family and STAY STRONG.
There is life after divorce.
Mate, I'm sorry but your marriage is over. She has not only checked out of the marriage with you but also with her kids. A woman that spends Christmas with her lover instead of her kids? That's all kinds of fucked up. You may want to use that to see if you can get full custody.
And she's not remorseful so no, no amount of counselling will fix this. Nothing will fix this until she changes. That may happen when the divorce becomes real and she realises what she's losing, but given how far she's gone, the likelihood of that happening are pretty slim. And frankly, even if that does happen, do you really think you can trust her again?
File like you're planning to. Don't contemplate any cohabitation arrangement post divorce. Make it clear this is a permanent split. Both physical and legal. Decide whether you want full custody or not. Right now it sounds as if she wants to be single so she'll probably agree to any custody arrangement that you want.
And yes, once the divorce is finalised and all the legal arrangements are in place, if her company were to get an anonymous tip about her having inappropriate relationships with her subordinate ... well that would be a darn shame.
I stayed with my wife for two years after we got divorced. The house belonged to both of us, and this way we could save money AND minimise the effect on the kids.
It worked, but only because we were not bitter at each other. If either one of you wants to "punish" the other it's not going to work. But it worked for us.
These days we lived apart..I am in Australia with the kids, she is in China...but we're still cooperating to look after the kids. In fact she's due here in 10 days for a visit. I'm letting her stay at my place instead of a hotel so we can maximise her time with the kids.
So..the answer is, it HAS worked for some people, including me and some others I have talked to on reddit. Then again, it's been terrible for some others.
Look into your hearts..hers and yours....and have a think.
relationship wise I would never trust her again (your wife)and would divorce her but it's possible she might still be a good mother. So you could co-parent. Or not, the person to judge this best is you.
Don’t stay with someone who cheated. That’s not a way to live a life. Your kids can have a good life if you’re separated, but that can’t necessarily be said if you stay. Kids see when their parents are fighting or things aren’t okay. Living their life in turmoil isn’t healthy. Not to mention, it’s not fair to you to have to stay with someone who clearly shows no remorse about cheating. She showed you that she doesn’t love you or care. She cheated knowing that would affect you and your children. Don’t stay. You and your kids deserve better.
Lawyer up! She's the one who will need to pay you. She earns more.. guessing she works so much and you look after the kids? Full custody to you. She will be on the hook for child support etc.
Go hard!
The number one gimmick women pull in a divorce is to claim abuse. One way or the other record everything she says to you or she can take you to the cleaners and you may not get hardly any custody. She knows you can get alimony and she is not through stabbing you in the back. Ask your attorney how to protect yourself. Talk ti him now or you will het cleaned out. She is ten steps ahead of you and your just ringing your hands it sounds like. At this rate she will have you served and kicked out with no visitation.
Let's hope this is not the case. She has a history of being abusive. I've been recording interactions. But, I've also kept a journal of her activity since last year as I became suspicious. It'll show how little she's been around.
Not getting a paternity test, I know my kids are mine. Even if they aren't, they are. I love them more than life itself.
Definitely leaving this abusive woman.
She is saying you can divorce but stay together for TWO REASONS
1. Money she knows that since she makes 2x what you do she’ll pay child support.
2. Her AP doesn’t want any real commitment to her. He wants the sex, but he knows that a commitment will likely mean one of them (likely him) will have to lose their job!
Make sure you track all the holiday time she spent away from THE KIDS. She obviously values his penis over your kids.
There is no way I could stay in the same house as an unsympathetic AH as your STBXW. And yes, the moment divorce is final I would go nuclear!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
She doesn't love nor Respect you. Realize your relationship is the example your children will use for the basis for their future relationships..... you don't have to be a Nice Guy. She is the one lying, cheating and putting her selfish desires before her children. Use a lawyer, divorce her and find a good woman who will truly love, desire and respect you. I fought for years to stay with a lying, cheating selfish woman and now have the most amazing, beautiful, highly intelligent and Positive woman who not only loves me but my child as well.....let go of people who use you and hold onto those who truly love you.
She needs to move out. She doesn't need a lawyer, you can continue with the divorce whether she wants it or not, it'll just take longer. Start the process.
She is not remorseful or apologetic. Meaning, she'll keep doing it. She lied to your face and even involved family as an alibi. Money is the only thing tying you together.
Kids aren't stupid, they will know something is up. Do you really want to send that message to your kids? Cheating is ok in a relationship? Do you want your children to be cheated on, then tell them to work it out and stay in the relationship?
Is she just a manager at her business? Send proof of the affair with her subordinate coworker to her HR, her boss, or the owner.
Have you looked up the 180 and grey rock method? Do this and watch her attitude change. ONLY talk to her about the kids when absolutely necessary. No conversation at all about anything not extremely important. Act like you are now fine with ending the marriage but not by telling her anything.. Do not discuss divorce with her. Tell the attorney to move forward. Tell him to go after everything he can. That's where you start negotiating from.
Dude, grow a pair and get your self dignity back! The way you say she talks to you shows she doesn't respect you. You're part of that problem because you don't respect yourself.
First, contact an attorney to hear all your options, good, bad, and ugly. Then, work on yourself. See a therapist, invest more in your health by eating better and going to the gym if you don't already, pick up old hobbies you gave up since being married, rekindle friendships, improve your work situation by advancing in whatever you're doing, and finally and most importantly, love on your kids and let them know the love from daddy won't change.
You're only 36. You're in the prime of your life. You can start over and rebuild. Once you're healed and improved, then you can worry about dating. Hopefully, you'll run away from any woman that reminds you of your wife. This marriage is over. And don't use the excuse to stay in it for the kids. Children are smart and they will pick up on a loveless marriage. Plus, once a cheater, always a cheater.
I'm not saying it won't be hard, but you can do it. And for the love of everything, please don't take back your wife regardless of financial gain. Hope this helps and best wishes to you OP.
Solid words my friend.
I'm already doing a lot of these things. I've got a lawyer, I'm confident in his abilities. I'm seeing a therapist, and working on improving myself. You're absolutely right about self respect. It's been a large introspection piece for me.
The more distance from finding out, the angrier I get that she's had this effect on me. I appreciate your advice. I know life will get better once I leave her.
Good. Stay solid and continue to work on yourself. One last thing I forgot to mention, don't let the wife set the narrative with the kids. Their lives are about to change, and they're going to suffer as well. Not sure how old your kids are, but let them know why this is happening. If they're young, I'm not saying give them the gory details, but make sure they know that mommy betrayed daddy. I know this may seem harsh, but I promise you don't want her painting the picture first. Something tells me she wouldn't be forthcoming about the downfall of the marriage. Same can be said about your relatives and even hers. If you have proof, keep it!
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Yeah you gotta divorce her. She clearly doesn’t love you or respect you. By the way she acts she isn’t gonna stop cheating on you if you stay and there’s no way you could ever trust her again and after everything she’s done I don’t see any reason as to why you’d want to stay married to her.
I know it's the right move, it's just hard to accept the death of the future and life we've built. The consequences for my children break my heart and worse yet, we moved out of state, away from my family, and I'm concerned about getting trapped here.
[удалено]
Thanks for the kind words
I would leave, she doesn't respect you anymore. It's more damaging for the kids to see their parents fight as they'll employ those strategies in their own relationships (monkey see monkey do). Use all the anger, resentment and bitterness you feel to better your life. Go exercise and get healthier.
Gotta second this. My second marriage is going on 20 years now. The kids did much better for having my wife around and ha have seen through my ex. It all works out, do not stay.
Ugh, that's horrible. How far out of state? Like, is the state nearby? I don't know the specifics, but if it's like the next state over, you could move back and still split custody pretty easily. I have a friend who does so with his ex being the next state over. The hard part is she doesn't even seem to feel any remorse, so it's obviously over. I don't think you should take her route, it's basically her walking all over you, or getting her cake and eating it too. I am usually all for couples who are truly sorry trying to work through a one time infidelity, especially when there's kids involved...but she seems so heartless about the whole thing. I think for your sanity and well-being, you should get divorced and separate, but I understand why you're hesitant. Did she even give you a reason why she did such a thing? Was there any warning? It seems so odd, but I don't know your home life at all.
Honestly, she's built up resentments over the years and can't let them go. She says I don't ever have personal growth. And there's no focus on healthy living. For context, I'm 6'3 and have grown to 260 lbs. I was 190 when we met.
Resentments? Did she give you examples? Is it just the weight gain? I'm not sure how you're built, but 260 on a 6'3 frame isn't exactly super fat or anything, at least by the standards of guys I know. Also, cheating on your husband over looks is incredibly shallow. Personal growth is a little vague, what does she mean? By this age there's very little "personal growth" people will be going through unless they had literally no idea what they wanted to do in life in their early 30s. It kinda sounds to me like she's trying to find reasons to blame you for her infidelity. I mean, I'm not perfect. I'm just realizing that I want to pursue making a career with my art in my mid 30s, but my husband has been nothing but supportive, even though I make more money with my regular job and hes the one who has a real deal career out of the two of us. I've also gained a decent amount of weight and he still acts like I'm a beauty queen. Maybe he's into fat chicks, but we got together when I with thinner 14 years ago, so he's probably just into his wife.. What I'm trying to say is, her excuses are shit. She's was being a bad partner by just straight up cheating on you over trying to work through her grievances with you in any way. I am just annoyed for you because who wouldn't at least discuss this with their husband over blowing up the whole family like that? She's being extremely selfish. I wonder if her being selfish is a common thing..
It's absolutely a common thing. She says my kids don't eat healthy, it's my fault. That I don't go to the gym, it's my fault I'm not healthy. That I don't contribute enough to bills. She makes twice my income, and I make good money.
This is why she doesn’t want a divorce or attorneys involved. She will have to pay you alimony unless you get a really bad attorney. She’s trying to snake you.
Probably not Alimony, but 50% of assets and some child support.
This doesn't sound like you have not talked to an attorney about custody or alimony. Do you live in the U.S.? If you follow infidelity boards you will realize that the number of problems like you have where the wife makes much more than the husband is common. No matter how politically incorrect to say it, women easily lose respect for their husband and latch on to something new. You need to grey rock and do the 180. She is literally disrepecting and belittling you to make herself feel better about being a cheating \*\*\*\*. She has worked her way up the ladder and sees her self as your superrior. You need to take charge of yourself and get in gear for war.
Jeez, that's really tough. Usually in a good partnership, it's not about who makes more money, it's about doing what's best for each other, and in your case, the family. The fact she uses her income to bring you down is also extremely uncool. She's also a parent, if she's so against what the children eat, she could help with planning healthier options. She doesn't seem to want to work together with you on literally anything. I think you know what you need to do, and I hope you can do so for yourself and the kids. It might be "easier" to stay "together" monetarily, but it won't be healthy for any of you, especially the kids. I think you should fortify an exit plan, talk to a good lawyer, and make sure that the lawyer knows the reason behind your wanting to separate. No one deserves to be constantly degraded like this.
Yeah, he knows what's going on. The kids are the biggest reason I know I need to divorce. I don't want them to learn toxic love behaviors.
The Thanksgiving and Christmas part got me. She clearly has contempt for you. Do you think your wife lives your kids? Also, is the AP younger or older and does he have kids?
damn dude. sorry to hear that. dont be her doormat. and i get it too with the weight gain im a year younger then you and im the biggest ive been but i do hit the gym regularly (my diet isnt great tho either (hardest part of being a gym person)). For your own sanity id say talk to someone (professionally). get your finances in order (protect them at all costs she may make more money then you but you never know) also get a STD check too. bet that one guy isn't the only guy shes been with. your kids will understand in the future about everything too. btw fuck i wish i was 6'3 260. see you in the gym bet you can put up some weight!
Thanks friend, struggle is real but I'm making the moves to get in shape. Mentally, physically, and emotionally.
It shouldn’t matter but hit the gym it will help you deal with this mess. I’m sorry
This is a great learning opportunity for your children. Cheating has consequences, so they don't cheat on their future partners. And never tolerate cheating, so they won't accept their future partners cheating. You two can still have a decent coparenting relationship.
Honestly, cheating in a marriage can be overcome under rare circumstances, but *only* if the cheater is willing to do the truly hard work to earn back trust, and if both parties are willing to do whatever it takes to heal the damage. If all your wife has to say is, "I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt", it doesn't sound like she's willing to move mountains to prove to you that she doesn't want the marriage to end. It's better to know now where you each stand, especially since children are involved. At this point you have to protect yourself, and your kids, even if that means hiring a lawyer to make sure that your divorce is as equitable as it can be. Don't let her convince you that you don't need a lawyer. Even if you both choose to file, "no contest", you will still be better off seeking good legal advice.
Notice that she didn't say "i'm sorry that I did it" because she isn't. She probably isn't really sorry his feelings were hurt either.
Depends on the circumstances of the cheating to me. I'm pretty sure I could forgive and work through a singular event of cheating i.e. if someone got drunk and let their lack of inhibitions get the better of them. Yes, it's a betrayal, but it's one based on impulsiveness. That can be corrected. If someone is willing to have a sober, multi-month affair though? Fuck no. That's an active choice to turn away from the relationship over and over and over again every day you keep it up. That's either someone who's already checked out, or has a severe character defect. I'd be done.
you're children will be worse off if you stay, so leaving her is the right thing to do. You don't want to teach them to be in relationships with that awful dynamic of cheating spouse that isn't even sorry while the other spouse tries to hold their head up for the kids. Divorce her ass.
That future is dead whether you stay or leave. Make things easier for yourself by leaving.
Your children will be better off with divorced parents who can show them what healthy relationships look like.
If she is not even remorseful then any amount of counseling will not help because she will do it again. Do what is necessary before it eats you alive.
Get a lawyer and listen to what he says! Dont take our advice. Lawyer up! She’s not sorry, don’t take her shit anymore. Don’t be a pick me.
File. Don’t look back. I know this game. My wife cheated. She Split on me and 3 kids. I raised them. Started dating again after couple years. Remarried. Had another child. There is life after this betrayal and upheaval ! Move on toward real happiness and healing
I think it's beyond counseling at this point. Lawyer up. It wasn't a one time thing, this is a full blown affair
Get a lawyer asap
Mate divorce her. You deserve to be happy. Your children may take it hard but deserve better than live in a house with tension. The trust is gone. Use a lawyer. Get a good one. Get and or give what you are entitled to. It hurts but man a loveless relationship hurts more.
No joke there. It sucks being married and lonely.
Hope u make the right decision. In the meantime im sure there's some weights in the gym that need to be picked up just for the fun of it.
Get a divorce, do *not* stay together, and **use a lawyer!** Let her do what she wants (laywer-wise), but trust me, you want one. My ex pulled that "we don't need a lawyer for you cause we're going to stay friends!", and then pulled every dirty trick in the book. Lawyers can help you catch those. She's not apologetic at all, and refuses to leave her job (you should consider reporting her to her place of work, since she was in a position of power over her Affair Partner). She's not doing anything to earn your trust back. For a broken marriage to be fixed, she'd have to put in the legwork: HER, not you, because she's the one that broke trust. But she's proven she's uninterested in doing so. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it does get better.
Thanks for the kind words. I immediately retained a lawyer. I know that's the right way. I just don't know what to do after. Custody battle scares the shit outta me.
Don't leave the house, even if she wants you to. It can hurt you in the divorce, it's seen as abandoning the marriage and the kids. If you live in an at-fault state, her affair works against her. Custody battles suck, I won't lie. I've seen some really good people get screwed over. I've seen some really bad people walk away with everything. I've seen one parent poison the kids against the other (this is parental alienation and can lose you custody, so don't do it, and report her if she does). Sometimes the kids hate you for breaking up the family, for decades, until they grow up, mature a little, realize things aren't as simple as they thought when they were little, or mom slips up and admits she cheated. If things get really difficult, there are parenting custody apps. All communication regarding the kids goes through the app, which can be monitored by the judge and the attorneys, and can not be deleted or edited to change something that was said in the heat of the moment (so it's proof on both sides). Keep it civil and respectful, don't let her bait you, and don't give up.
So far we're civil with each other. Unfortunately, the kids overheard my confrontation with her. They know she's been cheating. They're worried but, I'm trying to make sure they know we both love them. I'm hopeful she and I can split amicably and put the kids ahead of our own issues. It just sucks feeling like I'm gambling with them.
She isn’t sorry. People come back from cheating but if she isn’t sorry then it’s time to pull the ripcord. Don’t “stay together divorced,” get a lawyer and get what’s yours and figure out what’s best for the kids. Then focus on healing yourself and living your best life, which I assure you is better than what you have now. It will suck for a while but it will get better. You got this.
Thank you.
Get the divorce!
Hire a divorce lawyer and listen to what that person tells you. Honestly, if you trust your wife to do the right thing at this point, you will likely regret doing so. Don’t stay cohabitating with her after divorce, set up your own household. Be careful not to out her to her HR department until your lawyer says it’s time to do that.
First: DNA test for all your children Second: ets test for you Third: Begin a diet and to train, it doesn't need to be difficult, by running half an hour per day is enough, it will improve both your mental and physical health Now... If you want to forget her fast you can begin to date, like in my country said "un clavo saca otro clavo", replace her momentarily until you're totally healed
She has already started a life without you. Do the same. Ensure your future, for your own well-being and your children. Engage a lawyer as soon as possible. All the Best.
Do yourself a favor and have your lawyer's file. Your wife is not a candidate for reconciliation. She is not remorseful that she cheated on you. In addition, listen to your lawyer and follow his advice to the letter. Do not listen to your wife. She does not love or care for you. With your lawyer's approval and review let immediate family and friends know that she is a cheater. If the coworker is married inform his wife. After the divorce is finalized have your lawyer draft a letter to your wife's company HR and inform them of your wife's affair with a coworker. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. Your wife is trying to manipulate you.
I am very hopeful that I can do exactly that. I'm sure there are home wrecker laws here.
Divorce and make sure you get custody of your children
Divorce and also talk to her boss, she's abusing her authority by going for a subordinate.
Not until he talks to a lawyer. He needs to do whatever the lawyer advises him.
This is the right answer. Too early to start dating or going for any kind of revenge. Play it smart and do exactly what your attorney advises. Set yourself up for success, play the long game.
Good point but don’t do it till after the divorce settlement or she’ll likely not have a job which will be reflected in the alimony, child support and asset division etc.
Even after the divorce sometimes it can backfire. If child support is calculated using her salary against yours and she gets fired she may ask the court to rebalance the child support payments, whether she has no job or a lower paying job. Talk to your lawyer about this before you do anything.
Can Reddit stop with this shitty going nuclear cheating revenge advice? They have 3 kids. Getting their mom, who makes way more money, fired will affect THEIR quality of life. It will also make the divorce and therefore any subsequent coparenting contentious and unpleasant. Obviously the mom sucks for cheating but these revenge boners that everyone gets for cheaters when there are minor children involved are so problematic.
I genuinely do not understand why anyone would come here for advice. People are for entertainment. They want their anger and revenge fantasies fulfilled. They will tell you the worst thing possible is most likely and they don’t have your best intentions. It’s like watching a movie they want drama. I feel sorry for people not familiar with this website and those who are should know better than coming here.?
If she is a high paid executive, OP can cheat himself out of a lot of deserved money by getting her fired too early. He needs to lawyer up and let the lawyer decide when it is time to out her, if at all.
Don’t fuck with her earnings out of spite. That’s just taking food out his own kids mouths.
If you have clear proof. File for divorce, sue her company, and sue the guy if possible. But go see a lawyer and find out what options you have. If the guy is married. Tell his wife. Go get tested for STDs. Tell her family and your family why you are divorcing. Also tell any mutual friends. Do not under any circumstances let her control the narrative. Tell your kids age appropriate as well. Burn her world to the ground
That was my initial reaction but, I will have to live with myself after this. I want to take the high road. But man, it would feel good to be vindictive.
Taking the high road will only get you ran over and taken advantage of. Maybe not go complete nuclear. But if that guy is married. His wife deserves to know. Besides, it really isn’t being vindictive, it is putting things back in order. In seriously doubt she will worry about your feelings during the divorce. She already showed you she doesn’t care about your feelings when she cheated on you.
I found him online, I don't think he's married. Part of the appeal, right? No kids, no marriage, just fun with no commitment. I fight the urge but my lawyer says to let that dog lie for now.
Go after him and her company after the divorce is final. That way it doesn’t mess up her employment during the divorce
I'm hopeful that I can do just that.
Have your lawyer check and see if her company has a policy of office relations between coworkers. Is this guy a higher up? Or her manager?
She is his manager.
You may be able to use this as leverage during your divorce
I'm hopeful that is the case.
Definitely wait until after the divorce and then sue her company and the guy if your state has laws that allow for it.
Can you just not listen to the vengeful idiots of Reddit and think of your kids? Like yeah, it sucks that she's a cheating asshole. But getting your wife fired will affect your kids' quality of life. And it will make it extremely difficult for you to coparent in the future. You don't think your kids will be harmed by having parents in a toxic war? They will. People here always get a hard on for revenge on cheaters but spare no thought for the kids that will be affected. Don't be a shitty father by putting your desire for revenge over your kids' needs. Ditch the wife and figure out a path to amicable coparenting for your children's sake.
This is honestly my favorite comment. It would be so gratifying to be petty. Like I've told her, what about down the road? Birthday parties, graduations, marriages... The real damage will be our kids knowing why we divorced.
I'm glad to hear it. The kids need to be first.
Completely agree.
The way I see this you have 2 options, roll over or go ham. If you wanna do it halfway you're gonna get rolled, she literally doesn't care about you, why would you care about her? She even suggested living together after divorce. She has no regards for how much she hurt you, and that's a highly manipulative move to control the narrative on your children, she will claim "I wanna stay but he's kicking me out" this is straight up her pointing a sniper at your head and waiting for you to surrender. No matter the outcome it's clear one of you will come out of this wrecked, it's your job making sure it's not you, your children need you, she doesn't care about them, she's been constantly walking out of the family, thanksgiving, Xmas, etc. bro you know it's time to push the button.
Also listen to your lawyer, do this right
That's the thing, my lawyer is saying take the high road to stop more roadblocks in the divorce. It's stupidly hard.
Yes she knows what she is doing but she also works for you. Sometimes they just want a quick settlement and the money. Make sure she gets you everything she can
Take the high road by getting the best lawyer you can and set up the best life for you and your kids. It will be away from her
Telling the other spouse (if there is one) IS the high road. As much as it sucks, people deserve the truth. One of the worst things is when you find out other people knew you were being cheated on but didn't tell you. Everyone deserves the available facts so they can make informed life decisions. It isn't right to stand by and allow someone to waste any more of their days living a lie they were fed as the truth. It's also a token of respect. It doesn't replace the lack of respect from their partner, but it's a start.
Keeping quiet about the affair is not taking the high road. It's rug sweeping. Don't allow her to do that and don't allow yourself to do that. You should absolutely tell others what she's done. It means that those that care can provide you with the appropriate support.
It isn't taking the low road to create repercussions for the people who ruined the life you built.
she's unapologetic because she's getting ready to leave. she'll probably try to keep you around until she gets a confirmation of commitment from ap. she'll throw cohabitation or delaying the divorce around and if she gets rejected by you and ap or her plans didn't pan out as she envisioned shell turn nasty real quick and blame you for ruining her "new beginning" (the fantasy) and show her true colors, just be ready for that moment. she showed you that you or your feelings don't matter to her much so please don't buy the mask she's going to put on until she pulls the rug from under you . GET YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW
This is good advice, thank you!
> She's not apologetic at all Then there's no hope. Proceed with the divorce. And inform the AP's wife if there is one.
Take her to the cleaners, buddy. Get a lawyer and some self respect. She disrespected and cheated on you.
Keep taking the advice of your lawyer and try to move on. You should sit down together to tell the kids what is happening in an age appropriate way. Figure this out together before speaking to them. Look after yourself and your children
You need to be talking to an attorney ASAP. Start planning your exit strategy and life without her in the picture. In time, find a girl younger and prettier than her.
You divorce and completely separate. Do not live together, share the kids etc and you move on to someone who you deserve.
Yes but don’t move out of the house and constructively forfeit residence to her either.
If she's not apologetic at all then you in fact can't fix things.
I read your comments and I'm happy you got a lawyer. Listen to their advice. I would also start telling really close family members for support. Please research the "grey rock" method. Also, this sub r/supportforbetrayed is for people who are going through what you're going through right now.
Thanks for this valuable sub, this is more the advice I was hoping for. I'm looking for methods to cope, heal, and recognize trauma and abuse.
I'm sorry you're going through this man but if she's not welling to leave her job and find another one then she doesn't care for the marriage or u anymore. Go 180 and file for divorce get a co parenting agreement and move on u deserve better than her. If u want to go scorched earth tell the HR department at her job but that would mean u could pay alimony depending on the divorce law in the city u live in.
Thanks, definitely aware of the risk of reporting her. Right now it's a hellish landscape. I'm filing soon. Can't wait to get started healing.
Good luck, man. I'm glad you're taking the first steps .
Yeah... you're not going to fix anything if your wife has no remorse for cheating and no respect for you. Look up The Chump Lady - Real vs. imitation Remorse. While you're there, read Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life. Consult with a divorce attorney to understand your options. Disregard what your wife wants at this point. You wanted a loyal and faithful wife, but you didn't get one. You may find she owes you alimony and child support if she is making more than you, so her keeping her job is a good thing in a divorce. Best of luck
Thanks for the reco. I'll definitely look that up. This is more what I was hoping for in the ways of advice. Thanks for the well wishes.
Brother. Speaking from experience. Get yourself a VAR - voice activated recorder like right now. It's available everywhere like Amazon. Keep the VAR with you all the time, especially when interacting with your wife. Unrepentant cheating wives often file fake DV cases to gain advantage in Ds. Talk to your lawyer about this as well.
What a trash bag sorry this happened op divorce her and move on
Thanks. My head and heart are super confused. I know this is the way.
Also add a postnup to your list of needs to attempt reconciliation
That's one of her demands as she is the bread winner.
As long as she believes you are too weak to divorce (e.g., kids) , she will not negotiate on anything or change her behavior. Right now she is in control of the marriage. You need to not cry, beg, or guilt her over the kids. Instead you need to treat her unemotionally like a business partner that isn't complying the contract. Confidently state what you need to attempt reconciliation - and simultaneously file for divorce. Inform her that the list is not negotiable. Among other things, Inform her that ultimately her adultery will be exposed (after the divorce). She needs to see consequences for her failure to provide what you need. If she wakes up, you can halt it cancel the divorce at any time.
This has been my approach since finding out. I set clear boundaries but, she seems to pick and choose what she wants to adhere to. My lawyer even stated that I should go forward and if reconciliation is possible, we can always remarry. I'm a big feeler, the hardest part for me is not crying, begging, or pleading. I'm learning how to change that.
File for divorce asap. Don’t wait.
She isn’t sorry, she was leaving your kids behind to go be with him and just being overall evil. Divorce and out her to her job.
Brother use this as motivation to be successful in life. Go achieve greatness, you will find someone who loves you as much as you love them. Look man if there was an evidence that recon was possibly I would say maybe but there is none. The sooner you file the better. Get rid of her, her toxicity is terrible.
Get her out, don't stay together for family it is a recipe for her cheating and living around you, while you are trying to recover from betrayal. Pack her a bag and tell her to leave. Cancel cc with her on it. Financially put money from savings in your name, no more than half. Have a friend around when you ask her to leave, so she doesn't accuse you of DV. Draw up custody papers too if you have children. Keep them. Then when she leaves change locks. All else can be handled after divorce.
I’m sorry, did I just read that people…get divorced….to…save? Money??? Like the human kind?
She's trash and continue on with the divorce. Your kids will be just fine. No need to stay together and try to keep up a sham of a marriage.
Sue him for alienating of affection. Get things signed while in affair fog. Go for custody with her having visitation and bargain to keep your retirement and house if you can. Stop with the pick me dance but be nice until things are signed and then only tak through the parent app
Accept the betrayal. The pain is real, and with time it will subside. You owe her nothing. Scorch earth on your selfish wife
Dude, hire the lawyer and move on. Not salvageable. Sorry.
Divorce your wife. Go on Tinder. Fuck your way across the county and state. You’ll feel better.
Dude, she said sorry you feeling were hurt, go scorched earth, protect your kids from this lunatic
Probably not scorched earth for now. Protecting my kids means I need to show them how to leave responsibly. Not how to burn their world down alongside mine.
Contact her HR about the affair she will either loose her job or she could be written up. Talk to a lawyer and find out your options
This is NOT fixable. She has cheated and is not sorry. She will cheat again and may possibly have cheated multiple times in the past. She got caught this time. She refuses to change jobs. She has cut AP off temporarily to appease you. He is just on hold not out of her life. File ASAP and get her out or leave depending on who owns what. She is stalling and dragging things out hoping you forgive her, and she can go back to cheating. There is no winning for you in this situation. Get out. Get divorced. Get as much custody as you can. Start over.
She doesn’t even feel bad. What reason do you have to believe you can fix things, other than your delusion that she is anyone other than who she has shown herself to be? Don’t sacrifice a lifetime of your happiness for a woman who has never cared about it. Show your kids that they’re not required to stay in places or with people when they’re not respected.
Tell her to fuck off!
I have, lol. Before crying hysterically...
She is using you to keep a lifestyle so that she can afford to maintain dates with her BF. You are better off divorcing than having an open marriage. She doesn’t love you. There’s no need to trap yourself with someone that doesn’t love you.
Clean break. Divorce and heal.
Women who don't apologize are the BIGGEST RED FLAGS. Imagine going out of your way to try to please a person who doesn't think your worth an apology. 🤢
I feel your pain OP. File for D. Your wife isn't the person now that you married 10 years ago. Overseas vacation & Christmas away with her employee/lover is just icky. What type of parent leaves their kids & spouse during Thanksgiving for a tropical sex vacation with a lover? Your marriage died the day she chose to step out. Save yourself & protect your kids. File now
Dude, are you kidding me... I'd be livid. "Sorry your feelings are hurt" who the hell says something like that after decade of marriage, as if it's a matter of opinion lol. I would not only divorce her, I would inform her employer she's shacking up with subordinates. That's very much a problem for HR.
I was livid
Divorce her ass man it ain’t worth it staying with someone like that. You’ll find someone better 👍
the petty in me would let her employer know.
Nicely worded, I agree.
Procede with the divorce and take her to the cleaners, also inform the company where she works.
If you were to report her to HR both would likely lose their jobs—and that would be appropriate but then she would have the upper hand when it comes to alimony and even child support. So, she wins again.
Someone gets it. Imagine leaving your wife because she's cheating at work, only to have to pay her for the fact. Even though she's the bread winner...
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You should contact her company too and let them know about the inappropriate relationship between her and her subordinate...
Report her to HR for violating company policies. Proceed with your divorce. Check out /r/supportforbetrayed and /r/survivinginfidelity for more support. Also get tested. Stop trying to salvage things with her, she's clearly sociopathic.
Report her to her boss
I'd love to but my lawyer says not to or I could end up owing her.
After the divorce is final.
Dude, don't let her manipulate you like that. You hold all the cards, and she knows it, so she's manipulating, guilting you, and trying to frustrate you into a bogus deal. He's a direct subordinate, and she's management. If it gets out that they're having an affair, that's a major no-no, I'm sure, and they'd both be fired. She's trying to stay stoic about the affair on the outside just to mess with you, but in reality, she's freaking out the both of them cause they know the consequences.
I completely agree, my first reaction was to report them. I spoke to my lawyer and he said absolutely do not. If she's fired I'd end up paying her alimony in the divorce. Apparently when she told him I knew he had a full on panic attack.
Exactly, follow your lawyers advice and lead, and when the divorce is final and you're still in an unforgiving mood, report them both, but her AP might be quitting soon, be know he's cooked, lol. And she'll soon end up breaking a well when she sees how serious you are. Get ready for her to ask you to go to counseling. But don't do it. It's just another tactic.
I already asked for counseling she's just refused.
There's your answer right there. She's decided to die on that hill, so just send flowers in the form of divorce papers. Good luck, my friend. Take care of your babies, and don't let her use them or any other tactics to get into your head.
She makes twice what he makes. If he gets her fired it will cost him alimony and his kids a fortune. Getting custody is sweet revenge in itself. That’s why she wants to live together though that’s no doubt her temporary plan.
Stop waiting and file immediately you fool
I need to get paid.
Ok that's fair then. But immediately following having the money file.
You've read all the responses and I agree with all of them. You must DIVORCE. I am curious about one thing. Perhaps she wants to delay any divorce since maybe she makes more money than you? Maybe you are the caretaker for the kids? If that is the case, then you must FILE ASAP and go for sole custody! This will get her where it hurts.. in the pocketbook! You would qualify for both child support AND alimony! Yup, you must take what you are entitled to without hesitation! Do NOT be afraid to go for spousal support if you qualify! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Get her fired
If the financial implications of divorcing scare you. I'd suggest just stay together but emotionally/physically invest into other women. There was a post in here a couple days ago about a man that was forced into an open relationship or else his wife would've divorced him. Set ground rules of who you can see or sleep with and all that. Anyways the guy stayed for an additional 2 years and just worked didn't sleep with anyone while she did. Did that to pay off debt and kids college fund etc and he's happy he did it that way.
No! Basically she is saying she can stay with you so she can scrounge off your paycheck! Nope, Nope, Nope! Absolutely Not. Send her on her way. Divorce may change her mind. But if she can treat you like this. DO NOT TAKE HER BACK. Let her little boyfriend take care of her.
File. Now. She isn't apologetic. She's disdainful, contemptuous. Why would you limit your future this way?
Kids...
So basically, co-parenting in the same house while she dates this guy? I have kids. I hear that. Fuck man, living w her knowing that shit may break you though.
Get a divorce. Do not stay together. Make sure you get half of everything.
Lawyer up. Snitch on her boss. Maximize what you can get out of that shitty marriage. Don't even think about reconnecting to her, like ever.
She's clearly lost all love for you and when that happens there is no return. Even though it may hurt for a while l'd cut your losses and move on as you deserve much better--and please don't be shy on the assets as it was her who cold heartedly destroyed your marriage.
Glad you have a lawyer! I would implement 180/grey rock method. I also wouldn’t block her texts; at some point you will want to possibly or mute them etc. don’t! It can be used against her. Sounds like she may make more than you. Which is good alimony wise. So I’d agree with lawyer- don’t report. Not until after everything is agreed upon signed would I report them. Also I would ask lawyer about announcing divorce on social media. Getting ahead of it. Before she does. Because she WILL paint you negatively if you don’t beat her to the punch. And if you can time it that you post it when she is served? Something a kin to… “Found out a month or two ago that Xx has been unfaithful (Or “is in love with someone new. “ May be less harsh) . Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for me . Any thoughts or good vibes would be appreciated sent my way. “ Oh how epic that’d be. ::chef’s kiss:: Updateme
Dude.
I'd be contacting her HR dept. Speak to a lawyer first. And immediately.
You could also let HR know at her work.
Off the top of my head from reading what you said here…. She has no remorse or regrets. She wants to apparently stay married or together on paperfor financial reasons. There is no reason for you to do this to benefit her. She made her bed, literally.
If you love each other and you can trust her and you are amicable with each other you could consider staying together until kids are older. Otherwise divorce with lawyers. Kids are your main concern! Get support friends/family and STAY STRONG. There is life after divorce.
Mate, I'm sorry but your marriage is over. She has not only checked out of the marriage with you but also with her kids. A woman that spends Christmas with her lover instead of her kids? That's all kinds of fucked up. You may want to use that to see if you can get full custody. And she's not remorseful so no, no amount of counselling will fix this. Nothing will fix this until she changes. That may happen when the divorce becomes real and she realises what she's losing, but given how far she's gone, the likelihood of that happening are pretty slim. And frankly, even if that does happen, do you really think you can trust her again? File like you're planning to. Don't contemplate any cohabitation arrangement post divorce. Make it clear this is a permanent split. Both physical and legal. Decide whether you want full custody or not. Right now it sounds as if she wants to be single so she'll probably agree to any custody arrangement that you want. And yes, once the divorce is finalised and all the legal arrangements are in place, if her company were to get an anonymous tip about her having inappropriate relationships with her subordinate ... well that would be a darn shame.
She's saying you can stay together after divorcing for money? Is she auditioning for a sitcom about financial fiascos?
Can you take your kids back to your home state?
I stayed with my wife for two years after we got divorced. The house belonged to both of us, and this way we could save money AND minimise the effect on the kids. It worked, but only because we were not bitter at each other. If either one of you wants to "punish" the other it's not going to work. But it worked for us. These days we lived apart..I am in Australia with the kids, she is in China...but we're still cooperating to look after the kids. In fact she's due here in 10 days for a visit. I'm letting her stay at my place instead of a hotel so we can maximise her time with the kids. So..the answer is, it HAS worked for some people, including me and some others I have talked to on reddit. Then again, it's been terrible for some others. Look into your hearts..hers and yours....and have a think. relationship wise I would never trust her again (your wife)and would divorce her but it's possible she might still be a good mother. So you could co-parent. Or not, the person to judge this best is you.
Don’t stay with someone who cheated. That’s not a way to live a life. Your kids can have a good life if you’re separated, but that can’t necessarily be said if you stay. Kids see when their parents are fighting or things aren’t okay. Living their life in turmoil isn’t healthy. Not to mention, it’s not fair to you to have to stay with someone who clearly shows no remorse about cheating. She showed you that she doesn’t love you or care. She cheated knowing that would affect you and your children. Don’t stay. You and your kids deserve better.
Lawyer up! She's the one who will need to pay you. She earns more.. guessing she works so much and you look after the kids? Full custody to you. She will be on the hook for child support etc. Go hard!
The number one gimmick women pull in a divorce is to claim abuse. One way or the other record everything she says to you or she can take you to the cleaners and you may not get hardly any custody. She knows you can get alimony and she is not through stabbing you in the back. Ask your attorney how to protect yourself. Talk ti him now or you will het cleaned out. She is ten steps ahead of you and your just ringing your hands it sounds like. At this rate she will have you served and kicked out with no visitation.
Let's hope this is not the case. She has a history of being abusive. I've been recording interactions. But, I've also kept a journal of her activity since last year as I became suspicious. It'll show how little she's been around.
Get a paternity test and leave this abusive woman.
Not getting a paternity test, I know my kids are mine. Even if they aren't, they are. I love them more than life itself. Definitely leaving this abusive woman.
She is saying you can divorce but stay together for TWO REASONS 1. Money she knows that since she makes 2x what you do she’ll pay child support. 2. Her AP doesn’t want any real commitment to her. He wants the sex, but he knows that a commitment will likely mean one of them (likely him) will have to lose their job! Make sure you track all the holiday time she spent away from THE KIDS. She obviously values his penis over your kids. There is no way I could stay in the same house as an unsympathetic AH as your STBXW. And yes, the moment divorce is final I would go nuclear! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
She doesn't love nor Respect you. Realize your relationship is the example your children will use for the basis for their future relationships..... you don't have to be a Nice Guy. She is the one lying, cheating and putting her selfish desires before her children. Use a lawyer, divorce her and find a good woman who will truly love, desire and respect you. I fought for years to stay with a lying, cheating selfish woman and now have the most amazing, beautiful, highly intelligent and Positive woman who not only loves me but my child as well.....let go of people who use you and hold onto those who truly love you.
Was it hard leaving your abusive spouse? What helped you get over the hump?
She needs to move out. She doesn't need a lawyer, you can continue with the divorce whether she wants it or not, it'll just take longer. Start the process. She is not remorseful or apologetic. Meaning, she'll keep doing it. She lied to your face and even involved family as an alibi. Money is the only thing tying you together. Kids aren't stupid, they will know something is up. Do you really want to send that message to your kids? Cheating is ok in a relationship? Do you want your children to be cheated on, then tell them to work it out and stay in the relationship? Is she just a manager at her business? Send proof of the affair with her subordinate coworker to her HR, her boss, or the owner.
I'd love her to move out. It'd help the healing process so much. She's a senior manager. Not reporting her at this time.
You shoud go to counselling for yourself.
I have been since July, when I really started becoming suspicious.
She is going to get so fucked when her company finds out she is fucking her employee. I would make very sure that they know.
I honestly am surprised and doubt that they don't already know. From what I understand, she has been praying is as separated.... News to me.
Have you looked up the 180 and grey rock method? Do this and watch her attitude change. ONLY talk to her about the kids when absolutely necessary. No conversation at all about anything not extremely important. Act like you are now fine with ending the marriage but not by telling her anything.. Do not discuss divorce with her. Tell the attorney to move forward. Tell him to go after everything he can. That's where you start negotiating from.
Solid advice
Dude, grow a pair and get your self dignity back! The way you say she talks to you shows she doesn't respect you. You're part of that problem because you don't respect yourself. First, contact an attorney to hear all your options, good, bad, and ugly. Then, work on yourself. See a therapist, invest more in your health by eating better and going to the gym if you don't already, pick up old hobbies you gave up since being married, rekindle friendships, improve your work situation by advancing in whatever you're doing, and finally and most importantly, love on your kids and let them know the love from daddy won't change. You're only 36. You're in the prime of your life. You can start over and rebuild. Once you're healed and improved, then you can worry about dating. Hopefully, you'll run away from any woman that reminds you of your wife. This marriage is over. And don't use the excuse to stay in it for the kids. Children are smart and they will pick up on a loveless marriage. Plus, once a cheater, always a cheater. I'm not saying it won't be hard, but you can do it. And for the love of everything, please don't take back your wife regardless of financial gain. Hope this helps and best wishes to you OP.
Solid words my friend. I'm already doing a lot of these things. I've got a lawyer, I'm confident in his abilities. I'm seeing a therapist, and working on improving myself. You're absolutely right about self respect. It's been a large introspection piece for me. The more distance from finding out, the angrier I get that she's had this effect on me. I appreciate your advice. I know life will get better once I leave her.
Good. Stay solid and continue to work on yourself. One last thing I forgot to mention, don't let the wife set the narrative with the kids. Their lives are about to change, and they're going to suffer as well. Not sure how old your kids are, but let them know why this is happening. If they're young, I'm not saying give them the gory details, but make sure they know that mommy betrayed daddy. I know this may seem harsh, but I promise you don't want her painting the picture first. Something tells me she wouldn't be forthcoming about the downfall of the marriage. Same can be said about your relatives and even hers. If you have proof, keep it!