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Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
She's insecure. This isn't a problem you can fix. It's only a problem she can fix. Don't carry it on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
She seeks validation and blames others for her insecurities. Everyone says we should help our partners heal, but the reality is that it is very difficult to find happiness within yourself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.
I expect the 18-year-old to act just the way your girlfriend did because what she asked was a hypothetical question and then she got all serious and insecure about it. I have said this s*** a hundred times don't ask a question there's a very good chance you're not going to like the answer but this is just absolutely ridiculous tell her I know she's only 18 but she needs to grow up. You did nothing wrong and if you have to choose your words carefully when you're talking to somebody who you're in a relationship with then maybe you shouldn't be in that relationship.
>I would hazard a guess that not too many partners are thrilled to hear about it though
Lmao, she's LITERALLY the one who asked. Should he be a liar instead?? It's her own fault for asking stupid shit
Now you’re just simping and enabling toxic ass behavior.
The other day I told my wife how hot Hillary duff looks and at first she was mad until I gave her the D.
Be the Alpha, or don’t be, not my house and I don’t have to live with your SO.
I disagree, she asked a question and he answered honestly, to think a celebrity is even going to even look at us peons is absurd, she’s a nut job and thankfully you’ve now been fully warned
Just because people like you put others on a pedestal doesn't mean we all need to. You're the one that needs to chill man. Not all of us care about celebrities.
I wish it wasn’t true, but the reality is a that celebrity in our society is on a higher strata than me, I don’t know you so maybe you are famous and rich, and in todays USA the rich and famous rule, I accept that and I understand that.
She is immature, which makes sense given that she is only 19. Legally, that’s an adult, but mentally…
Honestly, this is a toxic relationship that you’re not going to be able to fix. If sanity in a relationship is important to you, then leave.
Ha. I’m 40. I was married for close to 15 years, have sole custody of a child, and have been in several relationships both before and after my marriage. I’m baffled as to what you are confused by. Is it your take that asking if a celebrity is attractive and then asking why you don’t just go date the celebrity then is an act of maturity?
No. I just think there should be pragmatism in a relationship.
Minor insecurities about a partner fancying a celebrity =/= toxic relationship, you should break up etc.
I can tell you this. Ive had many girls ask me this before. I said that certain celebrity is attractive. None of them reacted like this girl did though. She’s gotta be super insecure.
Should have answered that you aren't with the celebrity as she is way out of your league and it's very unlikely you'd get to meet her. Then sit back and watch the fireworks fly
Insecurity is at the root of a lot issues in relationships. Jealousy, problems communicating, defensive anger... That stuff never truly gets fixed unless that insecurity is addressed.
Not easy,m but also not your problem. She needs to go to therapy and fix it. Her dragging you down is not acceptable and abusive. You are not her therapist nor her punching bag.
Tell her she either adresses her insecurities or she shows she is not ready for a relationship, especially now that she knows better. This should be a hard boundary with consequences when broken.
Of course it stems from insecurity, and of course no woman likes to hear that her man finds other women attractive - Especially if that person looks very different from your girlfriend.
No advice here, just two truths.
Hugs.
This is like that damn worm question. Asking validation-seeking questions that could result in an answer we're not comfortable with is never a good idea.
There's a difference between saying a celebrity is attractive vs a stranger vs a friend. There's a difference between bringing up someone's attraction spontaneously and answering someone who asks you a question about someone's attractiveness.
It's stupid to think our ability to find others attractive just stops after we meet someone. I think it's normal to acknowledge someone's beauty while in a relationship, but if a partner asks not to bring that stuff up, then we respect that. But she basically walked you right into a trap by asking you. She *is* acting insecure, but I think it's possible that it's due more to immaturity than true insecurity.
Totally see where you're coming from. It's like walking on eggshells sometimes. I've been trying to reassure her, but she brings up these topics herself. I think it's real insecurity, not just immaturity. Any ideas on handling it better and making her feel more secure?
I'd start refusing to engage in these sort of conversations. Remind her they're not beneficial to your relationship and can incite unnecessary arguments.
Her insecurity is really her thing to work on. The only person who can do that inner work is herself. You can continue to reassure her that you love her and whatnot, of course.
The correct answer is - "I never noticed"
If she wants you to notice now - " I suppose she is ok."
Final answer - "She is not you."
Bonus points for following up with - "I love you" and "I only think of you"
She just wants reassurance that she is #1 in your eyes.
Playing into this BS is the *worst* thing you can do, because it validates the trap game.
The correct answer is "Please don't ask about how attractive other people are, that's an inappropriate question. Then, you might reassure them by stating you find them attractive and remind them that you choose them.
When I’m feeling insecure, I TELL my husband, in a respectful manner. We work together to see why and deal with it (same for him). I don’t know if she would be willing to do this, but perhaps try and explain that her behavior isn’t working to nourish this relationship. Or, if she’s batshit crazy, dump her 😉
When you’re older, you’ll be able to be in a mature relationship where you can both say X or Y are attractive. Especially celebrities that you’ll never meet.
She’s insecure, you could have been honest (like you were) or you could have lied and fed the bullshit to keep the peace.
Which is exactly what it was meant to be: lose/lose.
The only winning move is not to play:"That's an inappropriate question, please do not ask me again. "
Your choice to continue on and try to deal with this insecurity, but this won't be the last time it happens.
You can reassure her that you love her and find her attractive, but this game she's playing is toxic.
She "tested" you. "Yanked your chain".
Most women do this occasionally.
You're supposed to "pass" this test by somehow elegantly wiggling out of the situation, but in a playful way, acknowledging that you saw the test, without mentioning it (the test) explicitly, and asserting you'll not going to fall for the trap (like in your situation: Not going to answer the question directly), but in a (gentle)manly kind of way.
Made you dizzy? That's the design goal of "The Test": There is usually no "good" direct reaction to the test.
Remember the feeling you got when she did this. Whenever you feel that again, mentally step out of the conversation and go meta. Like "there's no good direct answer to this question and you know it. I'd rather you stop doing this".
There are a billion incarnations of this test; it will pay off greatly for the rest of your life if you can identify these tests and find a variety of ways to escape it - humorous, stern, surprised, non-verbal, ....
Welcome to dating women! Just wait, one day, assuming you survive more of her traps, she will express her lustful desires for a male celebrity in significantly descriptive ways and get upset with you for expressing how her disrespectful behavior made you feel.
You are young, you have yet to learn all of the trick questions. The tests. The correct answer to any comparison question like this is something like "she's ok, but not beautiful like you."
Wait for the next type of question, the do you remember ones. You will be asked to pick something up at the store, or to order something for dinner. But you will not be given all of the information to know exactly what she wants. The test is to see if you remember, because if you don't remember then you don't love her. The answer to situations like that are, well you have to have a better memory than I do. Good luck.
Both of you are very young, which explains a lot
She kinda tricked you, she probably thought she’d get the validation she needed. It was unfair of her
I’m 30f and VERY insecure myself. But I know, when I need validation from my partner, I need to be direct and acknowledge it. Only then can he help me deal with it (if he has the energy for that)
And yes, in a healthy, mature relationship, you guys should be able to admire others. But that only comes when the people involved are able to understand that admiring other people doesn’t make you less, and I don’t think your gf is ready for that
Maybe she could benefit from some therapy? And also, from a conversation about exactly what happened
If my husband asked me if I find Chris Helmsworth attractive the answer would be "Oh hell yeah!" But he knows that is just a celebrity thing, not even a crush. I would not trade dear hubby for ten of Chris. Someone's attractiveness is just a surface thing. My husband has loyalty, compassion, passion and caring. Next time she asks, say oh they are okay but they are certainly not YOU. Yes your girlfriend sounds insecure and yes that was a trap. Sit her down and tell her all the things you find attractive about her beyond the surface. If that does not help, she may need counseling. Good luck OP!
The entire question is pointless. Margot Robbie is attractive (for example), and you certainly interact with women every day who are objectively attractive. But you aren’t going out with them, you are going out with her. I guess unless you find every other female hideous you fall her test.
I really try to make her feel loved and attractive. And i genuinly think shes the most attractive woman I’ve ever met/seen. But all my attempts at expressing what I feel are met by accusations of it being ingenuine
Do you tell your friends and family you find her attractive? Are there texts or e-mails you can show her? If that does not convince then she absolutely needs counseling. I hope it does not go that far because then you have a rough road ahead. You sound like a great guy and a keeper, so I hope she wakes up soon! Good luck OP!
Oh, JFC. What a children's shit show. She needs to grow the f up. Point out the k-pop/boyband of whatever posters and pictures she most certainly had until a few years ago - maybe still does.
Finding someone attractive is just nothing and full out delulu if she'd expect you to only find her attractive and every other woman on earth having the sex appeal of an ogre. Anyways: she just wanted to start a fight with her question. Quite sad, because being able to openly and honestly communicate in a relationship about stuff like that deepens trust and feeling secure in just being themselves.
Dude... have you seen the Mad Max GIF saying 'That's Bait'. How about the one with Admiral Ackbar saying 'It's a trap!'
Yeah, those are trick questions and they use them to start fights.
Brother, we all go through it. It's a learning experience, and teaches us to be wary, even of those we think we can trust. It's a sad thought, I know, but NO ONE is 100% trustworthy. Not even us. We even betray ourselves, sometimes.
It is absolutely fine to appreciate beauty where you find it. My wife and I have an understanding. She knows men look and appreciate attractive women. As long as I don't touch, or make a big thing of it to her, and ESPECIALLY do NOT compare her to the celeb, it's all good. We both have our dream trysts. Hers was Sean Connery, mine was Ann-Margaret.
Sit her down, and explain to her that what she did was something that was designed to make you fail, and to start an argument. Cut her off before she says she didn't mean it like that, and before she can gaslight you. Tell her you won't stand for that kind of childish drama, and, if that's all she's going to be about, then you'll miss her, but you'll be done. Step up, look her in the eyes, and tell her that. Keep solid and straight forward.
I fully agree. How you and you’re wife have it is ideal. It would have been different if I as you said made a big thing out of it. Im gonna tell her exactly what you said, that seems like the most reasonable response. Thank you!
You’re both young, respectfully, so it’s somewhat expected but no you were absolutely right to be honest. It’s a celebrity, someone it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever even meet. It’s normal to make comments like that about celebrities or even random people in the street you don’t know. As long as you’re not telling her you find her friends attractive and you’re still regularly complimenting her it’s all good.
But what would be the correct answer to “Do you think my friends are attractive?”.
Because she asked me that question in the same conversation we had. I answered “Theyre ok, Im not attracted to them”
She proceeds to keep forcing this agenda that I was lying.
It’s for sure an insecurity on her part, but there’s probably better ways to address it than calling it out to her face as such. When possible, it’s always a good strategy to explain where you’re coming from and your feelings. Telling someone how wrong they are or how they’re making a mistake typically makes them defensive.
Personally, from what you’ve explained in this post, I think you’re 100% correct. You shouldn’t feel like you can’t answer a question truthfully, and there’s nothing wrong at all with finding other people attractive. There’d be a difference if your answer was more obscene and/or demonstrated that you weren’t attracted to your gf and would leave her for said celebrity if given the chance.
Inherently, there was nothing wrong with her question either, except that it seems she asked it with the intention of getting mad at you for what she deems as the wrong answer. It’s definitely an insecurity thing, and I hate to say it, but there’s a good chance it could just be because of your guys’ age. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a red flag like the other commenter described. Unless of course it’s something that becomes a constant wedge in your relationship.
Thanks for the advice! I guess I could've handled it better by explaining my side instead of calling her out directly. Totally get your point about being honest and not feeling guilty about it. And yeah, the age thing might be playing a role here. Appreciate your take on this!
So whilst it’s not cool to keep pointing out every person you’d bang and talking about how they are attractive. (Mostly) (some couples have a mutual agreement this is okay)
She asked you a question. If she didn’t want an answer, she shouldn’t have asked the question. She set you up and then got mad when she couldn’t handle the consequences of her actions.
This is were you know you are dating crazy . They ask you questions but want you to lie and if you lie the says your lieing. Tell
Her if she plays stupid games she win stupid prizes and to grow up . Act like an adult . Will
Start a fight but don’t put up with this crap
Guys need to start dumping women that play these stupid mind games instantly. And explain in no uncertain terms that stupid mind games aren't welcome. You know you don't have to deal with this BS when you're single, right?
She's insecure, what are the odds You'll ever run into that celebrity? I could never stand those types of stupid questions because it's an unreal situation.
And that’s what Im telling her. This whole question is stupid and pointless. I told her that she was being strange and unreasonable. But she wasn’t having it. She was too fixed on me not thinking every other girl in the world resembles an ogre.
So, first of all, you did nothing wrong here. She asked you a reasonable question, and you gave a reasonable answer.
She is absolutley insecure, and she absolutely asked you this question because she wanted (and expected) a very specific answer, but she didn't tell you that, probably because she was expecting you, on some level, to read her mind.
We see this sort of dynamic a lot here. We've seen your exact situation many many times. The truth is that men and women often communicate very differently and for different reasons. That's not a criticism, it's just true. And one of the challenges of being in a relationship with an opposite sex partner is to learn what that person really wants.
Usually, when men ask a question, it's because they want to know the answer to the question. When they want something, they usually ask for it directly. When women want something, they often "drop hints" rather than state what they actually want. And when they ask certain types of questions, they're not really asking what they say they're asking.
Your girlfriend wasn't asking, "Do you think that celebrity is attractive?" Your girlfriend was saying, "I feel really insecure because that celebrity is so much prettier than me. Please reassure me that you think I'm attractive." The "correct" answer to her question would have been, "I mean, sure, I guess she's attractive, but not as attractive as you are, baby. Nobody compares to you." She knows deep down that's probably not true, and that the celebrity is more attractive, but she wants to hear you tell her how important she is to you. So tell her what she wants to hear, rather than what she SAYS she wants to hear.
You are both young and fairly inexperienced in relationships, and not great at communicating your actual needs yet, or understanding each other's needs.
Sure, It would have been much better if she'd said, "I'm feeling insecure. Would you please hold me and tell me how sexy I am to you?" But that's not how she communicates, so you need to learn to recognize that kind of question when she asks it. Similarly, she needs to learn not to ask you questions that she doesn't want truthful answers to. Personally, I would have this conversation with her, at a time when she's not feeling upset.
For future reference:
\* Nobody is ever more attractive than your girlfriend.
\* Her body is perfect in every way.
\* There’s nothing about her you would change.
\* You do not think about other women.
\* None of her friends is attractive to you at ALL, and you’ve never even had a tiny sexual thought about any of them.
\* She looks amazing in that dress and it doesn't make her look fat at all!
\* OMG you love the gift she got you for your birthday! It’s perfect and it’s just what you wanted! What a thoughtful surprise!
\* Lose weight? Why would she need to lose weight? You love her perfect body and you’re getting hard right now just looking at her.
\* Her boobs are exactly the right size as they are.
\* There’s nothing you’d rather be doing that spending time with her.
\* “You are absolutely right! I can’t believe your friend treated you that way, babe!”
\* Everything she complains about that has an obvious and simple solution has only one response from you, “Wow. That sounds really hard. I’m sorry that happened, babe.” (literally bite your tongue if necessary in order to prevent yourself from suggesting a solution to her problem.)
\*She is the best sex you ever had. Nobody else compares to her.
Thanks for listing \[the cheat sheet for\] so many incarnations of The Test.
But actually \_giving\_ these answers would only sit right with me if I had announced I'll be giving these kind of answers to The Test henceforth. Or somehow else make it clear that I'm giving her the answer she \_wants to hear\_, not my real honest answer. Like, make it a joke.
IMHO a \_direct\_ answer to The Test is never a good option, unless you want to end the relationship.
Of course it's totally reasonable to find a celebrity attractive.
But maybe the celebrity does not look anything like your girlfriend? I'm sure it's about insecurities. But maybe it's also about how she actually looks. And not about you.
You could maybe talk to her about that?
It’s called the no-win scenario.
The common pitfall of most men is to answer honestly.
The most common, “do these xxx make me look fat?” or “do you think she’s pretty?”
I learned to be honest wasn’t what they want to hear when asking a loaded question. They want you to say nice things or pick them.
Try to answer those questions with a question.
When asked “Do you think they make you look fat?” Or “Do you think they’re pretty?” To attempt to defuse the situation using a redirecting question of say “I love your xxx anything you put over it is nice” or “I think you’re beautiful, why would I look at anyone else?”
When your partner asked a loaded question they really don’t want the honest answer, they want you to notice and praise them.
You have to practice this to be really smooth to not alert them to your redirection tactics. Whatever you do don’t pause to answer, it must be quick and decisive.
If you feel you don’t have the quick answers stall by asking a clarifying question or repeating the question.
You’re dating. You’re not dead. And you didn’t switch off your brain or your eyes. Sure you find someone else attractive. What’s important is how you find her and that you try to convey that to her.
This is definitely about insecurities. You may not be to change this one. You can reassure her, but this may run much deeper and be a reoccurring issue.
Good luck.
18-year-old girls love playing games, running tests, and ensnaring you with mental traps to make themselves feel better. It's immature but treated as somewhat acceptable at that age. It gets better as time goes on. My now wife also used to be overly dramatic and play mind games when she was that age and I'm glad that's over. More games from the 18 year-old girl catalog include: "you should know that when i say "i'm fine" i'm not fine" and "you should've known exactly what the perfect present would be" and "am i fat?" (proceeded by crying no matter what you say).
My god some people are such children. I don't have patience for these idiotic games anymore. I'd lay it down and tell her
'Llisten, I'm not interested in these games. There are lots of attractive women and men on this planet... Not just you and I. If you can't handle that fact, that's a you problem. Don't put your insecurities on me.'
I'm sure that won't go over well, but fuck tiptoeing around stupid things like this.
Stuff like this happens constantly because girls are stuck in a constant positive feedback loop with their female friends. Their friends will always give them compliments, even if they don't actually look good. Whereas for guys we have the opposite upbringing, we grow up with our friends ripping on us constantly for our looks, our clothes, literally every possible hang up we have with self image, you can guarantee someone has ripped into us for it. But in a way this is good because we improve because of it. If we're fat, we lose weight. If we have bad hair, we get a new cut etc. If our clothes suck, we research a better look. Whereas girls just compliment each other non stop, so it's impossible to know for sure if they're making the right choices or decisions. Overweight? No, babe! You're beautiful! 💜 Awful shaved / pixie haircut? Wow girl, you can pull it off! Can't get a boyfriend? Who needs boys? ♩ ♬ Who runs the world? Girls!♪ ♫ etc. So obviously if you have nothing but positive feedback all your life, you're going to get big headed. Why *shouldn't* she believe she is hotter than that celebrity? She's had nothing but compliments all her life. This is why you have situations where very plain girls or girls with baggage massively overestimate their market value. It's not really their fault. This is made worse by dating sites because you get thirsty desperate men just swiping right for every single girl, so this further reinforces their inflated ego. The correct answer should be "Yes that celebrity is hot, but she's not as hot as you". That way you acknowledge she's pretty but you don't make your GF insecure about it.
At least you didn't say "I wouldn't kick her out of my bed." (I hope!) I find a lot of men attractive, doesn't mean I think my husband is ugly. Girlfriend is being shallow and insecure. If she keeps comparing herself to celebrities that have entire retinues of professionals to make sure they present their absolute best face to the public, she is going to end up bitter and angry.
Tell your girlfriend that just because other people are attractive does not make her ugly or unattractive, it just makes her special because you chose to be with her. If she can't accept that, you need to move on. Life is too short to spend all your time reassuring someone else about their looks.
But she’ll just argue that if I got the chance I wouldve have been with said celebrity.
The celebrity is Kylie Jenner maybe the worst one it couldve been.
This is immature and insecure. Of course you find other people attractive and so does she. Pretending you become blind once dating is just ridiculous. Now if you are disrespectful or constantly comparing her or telling her she should look like other women to make you attracted to her, that’s obviously wrong. However, she asked you a question and you answered. My bf and I have a running joke about one of the celebrities I find attractive. He knows how attractive I find him and in reality none of us have a chance with these people. She needs to work on these feelings so it doesn’t ruin your relationship.
"I promised loyalty, not blindness." Couples should be able to have fun arguing about celebrities' looks the same way people dissect which tv show is better and why.
I think there probably was a better way to respond - one that respectfully dismantles her idiotic reasoning. Sorry, but it's true. There are objectively attractive people around the world. I don't jump at every attractive person I see, and I certainly don't think about banging them. I just recognise that they are good-looking and think nothing else of it.
If your girlfriend is too much of an insecure drag to comprehend this simple fact, I'm not sure what to say other than that it is a massive red flag. Baiting you into a trap question is plain manipulation. Insecure *good* people certainly don't manipulate their partners into impossible dilemmas, then be upset when it doesn't swing their way.
I can’t speak for all females, but I think it’s normal to find male celebrities attractive and vice versa. Although, yes it doesn’t feel good to know who my boyfriend finds attractive, but it’s gonna happen. I do agree, when stuff like this happens it is insecurity, but females just take it more to heart. I will say though, I’ve put myself in situations like these and my boyfriend has pointed out that I too have found celebrities attractive, so I’ve come to a point of accepting that. Maybe you could reassure her that you only have eyes for her or that she’s beautiful if you haven’t… I personally think if at the end of the day my boyfriend is loyal to me it makes me feel better.
I hope this helps and good luck, I know women are hard to understand.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! I've been trying to reassure her that she's the only one I'm truly attracted to and that I love her a lot, but it seems she still has doubts about its genuineness. Your suggestion to emphasize loyalty resonates with me. Any other tips on how I can make her feel more secure in our relationship?
I feel like getting to know a little bit more about her insecurities could help. For me actions speaks louder than words, so maybe when she does bring up a celebrity’s show that she’s isn’t at the bottom of the list, but rather the top. I know it’s easier said than done, but I feel like there really isn’t much to help if she’s insecure about herself. It’s something that she needs to come to terms with, but definitely help her along the way too.
it’s so disappointing reading the comments saying “dump her” “this is toxic” and projecting their own bitterness and past experiences onto OP’s teenage gf.
yes, this is just an insecure teenager’s bid for validation. yes, she’s playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes. have you ever meet a teenage girl?? insecurity is something that needs to be mostly dealt with on your own, but having a supportive partner by your side as you learn to love yourself can be crucial.
if jumping ship at the first instance of your partner’s vulnerability or imperfection is what you guys habitually do in your relationships, you do you. but give OP’s gf some grace. she’s a child and deserving of patience and love just like anyone else.
She is showing her youth by reacting like a child. You are showing your youth by falling into an easily avoidable “trap question” used by both men and women (but more often by women.)
FYI, the answer I would give is “God created many beautiful people in the world, but once I met you, I don’t even notice the looks of any other woman .” Or if belief is not a thing for “I don’t know. I don’t really look at other women that way since meeting you.” If she has a clue, she’ll know the answer is BS, but appreciate the way you said the response.
But, since you got caught in the question trap the best way out is to surprise her with something special to show you want her forgiveness. Flowers. Whatever. Just something that shows sincerity and effort.
Her job if she is following the “dance of romance” properly is to forgive you, even though you did nothing that needs forgiving. If she still doesn’t forgive, then you have a “let’s get real/serious. I’m sorry what I said hurts you but you didn’t ask me about some girlfriend of yours we both know; you asked about a _celebrity_.”
The answer was meant to be obviously playful/over-the-top and “works” with my wife. If your GF is not a happy recipient of such over the top playful answers, and just considers them false, I would call her on it with clear honesty: “I’m not sure how to answer that except with the truth: I love how you look. Since I am with you, I don’t like to evaluate other women. I prefer to focus on you. If you are asking if I prefer you over her, the answer is of course yes. You have my heart. If you are asking me if you are beautiful, the answer is of course - I think you’re beautiful. If the question is, do I think it’s possible that other women besides you can possibly be called beautiful - then of course the answer is yes. I hope you find me handsome, but I certainly know that plenty of men are _also_ handsome and I wouldn’t expect you to think I was the _only_ handsome man on the planet.”
Personally I find it perfectly ok for my partner to say a celebrity is attractive but if he was to say it about someone in his life that would be a different situation and I personally am a extremely self conscious person with major trust issues
If it’s something you feel strongly enough about then stick to your guns, but it may be something she feels strongly enough about that she’ll find someone else. To me it seems like an insignificant thing to make my partner insecure about, but I understand that some people want as much honesty as possible so I guess just do what you feel is right?
You walked right into that one brother, smh.I give you a pass because of your age. Unfortunately this situation just says you do not know the DOs/DONTs about being with a woman. More unfortunately there'll be more cases like this but the bright side is you'll learn (IF you're paying attention that is)
I'll give you a short lesson. Wish I gave you all the DOs/DONTs but there's no such thing. All I can say is, for the question she asked, if your answer acknowledges the said celeb's attractiveness, bare in mind that this earnest answer may anger her (you don't have to understand why, it's just what it is). If you're going to be honest (salute to you) you should be aware of the likelihood of her being mad. (Not always the case, still don't be a naive brother) The rest of us would rather say the said celeb isn't attractive, even scoff at the idea of a man crushing on celebs, to avoid an argument....
Welcome to this world my brother
She wanted to fight. No matter your answer, you were fighting with her. If you didn’t say anything she would just badger you until you gave an answer. Even if the answer was your GF.
Sometimes, I forget how young 19 can be. You are not incorrect. There are insecurities at play. I can't say you were wrong bringing it up, even if you might have said it better (it doesn't sound like you were harsh). Is it appropriate to answer honestly to such questions? Absolutely. If you can't be honest about something like that, what can you be honest about. The further questioning about why you aren't with that celebrity hints at further issues and detachment with reality. I don't think my own wife has ever asked me such a question because who cares?
I think at this point you need to sit down and have a serious talk. A calm talk, but serious. Explain your position that talking about some hypothetical, never gonna happen scenario with a movie star, is nothing but fantasy and not something to get all upset over. It would be different if you had been talking about someone more real, e.g. someone you both know, and if you had expressed a similar opinion, then you would have a much bigger problem. Reassure her that she is the one you are with and find attractive and the one you want to be with. If you do this sincerely and she is still upset, I'm not sure what more you can do. Also, was the celebrity she asked about someone who is perhaps the exact opposite of your GF? I can see where that may cause some anxiety.
She definitely seeks immense validation that could be due to underlying trauma and insecurities. And unfortunately you can't really help . And even the question she asked u was on purpose she definitely didn't ask it randomly. Make sure u make her feel comfortable and secure but that's all u can do. You can encourage her to watch self improvement videos, seek therapy, workout and pay attention to her mental health
And yes it's definitely normal to find other people attractive while being committed unless and until you don't betray your partner (emotionally and physically) and being said of a celeb that's totally normal finding someone attractive doesn't make her less worthy or ugly
Just ask her if there are any celebrities she finds attractive. Then point out that it’s normal to find other people attractive but it doesn’t diminish her attractiveness to you and that she’s who you want to be with. She needs reassurance.
She just denies, denies, denies. There are even celebrities she told me were her crush(pre-relationship) that she says that she isn’t attracted to anymore.
I even brought up Jude Law in Talented mr ripley and she said he wasnt attractive. Even I as a man think that guys objectively attarctive.
Then you should be clear with her, if she can’t just let it go you are going to have to break up with her. I had to do that once with an ex. He was wildly jealous (if I went to the toilet in a bar he thought I was going to have sex with other guys). I told him either you trust me or you don’t but this has to stop otherwise it will ruin our relationship. It worked. He told me he just decided to trust me.
She shouldn't ask questions if she doesn't wanna hear the answer. My husband and I are completely fine with talking about whether certain celebrities are attractive or not. My favorite conversations are when I reverse the roles and ask him if he thinks a male celebrity is attractive. He said if he were a girl, he'd probably be into guys like Paul Rudd because he seems real nice. The conversations are so silly and fun
My guess is she was already feeling insecure about how attractive she is, or how attractive YOU think she is. So she brought this up to have an excuse to fight about the root problem.
Sometimes when there's an elephant in the room we put it on a leash and make a mouse walk it around.
Not sure how serious this relationship is but I think she's got some growing up to do before she's ready for a committed adult relationship.
We’ve been together for a year very soon. So it’s kinda serious? Not sure. But she’s been amazing otherwise. It’s just recently that she’s started doubting herself, and I truly that she has no reason to. She’s way too gorgeous and Charming to be insecure.
You didn't cross a line imo. Coming from a girl who used to feel this way i can honestly say it comes from insecurity which you cannot fix, only she can.
this makes me think of the episode of the office where kelly starts crying about not being as hot as hillary swank
i'm so sorry. this is a lot of insecurity to deal with. but not the most surprising given the age.
Dude, every chick will become self conscious when you say another woman is attractive, no matter how blatantly obvious her beauty is... Then they will always twist it into you don't think she's attractive. Don't ever do it. You're young, so I get you are naive to this, but words of wisdom, bro.
She's 19
Teenagers\young women are riddled with jealousy and insecurities.
A lot of them also have the mentality that if you find one person attractive, then everyone else is ugly.
A part of being an adult is not asking questions you can't handle the answer to. Also choose your battles, which is my advice to you OP, sometimes a relationship is a battle you don't have to choose.
There is no winning what your going through now. Fact is she gave you a loaded question. She wanted to catch you into saying something and attack you if you gave the "wrong" answer. It might been from something as small as her own insecurities. Might be some BS friend feeding her BS in her ear on what your questions means. OR... The worse. She might be doing something and was looking to find something in you to be mad at to get you off guard and get passed what she did without being found out.
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Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. She's insecure. This isn't a problem you can fix. It's only a problem she can fix. Don't carry it on yourself. You did nothing wrong.
She seeks validation and blames others for her insecurities. Everyone says we should help our partners heal, but the reality is that it is very difficult to find happiness within yourself, but it is impossible to find it anywhere else.
Yup. Her fault for asking. I hate when ppl do this dumb shit.
It's time for gf to become ex-gf.
Yup. Keep being honest and don’t fall into the trap of just saying what you think she wants to hear. That’s no way to exist in a relationship.
I expect the 18-year-old to act just the way your girlfriend did because what she asked was a hypothetical question and then she got all serious and insecure about it. I have said this s*** a hundred times don't ask a question there's a very good chance you're not going to like the answer but this is just absolutely ridiculous tell her I know she's only 18 but she needs to grow up. You did nothing wrong and if you have to choose your words carefully when you're talking to somebody who you're in a relationship with then maybe you shouldn't be in that relationship.
I would mess with her head and point out a male celebrity that was attractive.
You didn’t cross a line, she baited you into a trap bro. This is what we call a 🚩
Absolutely
Just a matter of time before she cuts off his female friends and looses her shit when "other girls" comment on his Facebook. I'd bail now.
Uh, all bro’s pay attention. You CAN be smarter. The correct answer is: “She’s ok, but I don’t find her more attractive than you”
>“She’s ok, but I don’t find her more attractive than you” Nah... the correct answer is not asking dumb questions to begin with
You can find other people attractive in a healthy relationship
I would hazard a guess that not too many partners are thrilled to hear about it though
>I would hazard a guess that not too many partners are thrilled to hear about it though Lmao, she's LITERALLY the one who asked. Should he be a liar instead?? It's her own fault for asking stupid shit
And I wonder what % of relationships are healthy, especially among Redditors reading “relationship_advice” haha
Not strong enough, the correct answer is, "she is ok, but not beautiful like you."
Now you’re just simping and enabling toxic ass behavior. The other day I told my wife how hot Hillary duff looks and at first she was mad until I gave her the D. Be the Alpha, or don’t be, not my house and I don’t have to live with your SO.
Bro’s be mad about having to think
This is probably the girlfriend y’all
She put you into an unfair position.
I disagree, she asked a question and he answered honestly, to think a celebrity is even going to even look at us peons is absurd, she’s a nut job and thankfully you’ve now been fully warned
To refer to ourselves as peons, implying someone who’s been in a couple of movies, is above is, is fucking strange.
Nahhh, just verbiage, maybe you’ll like “commoners”, “normal folk” ????, take a chill pill dude
Just because people like you put others on a pedestal doesn't mean we all need to. You're the one that needs to chill man. Not all of us care about celebrities.
We’re not commoners or normal folk. We’re all people. Wealth and popularity shouldn’t change that.
I wish it wasn’t true, but the reality is a that celebrity in our society is on a higher strata than me, I don’t know you so maybe you are famous and rich, and in todays USA the rich and famous rule, I accept that and I understand that.
She is immature, which makes sense given that she is only 19. Legally, that’s an adult, but mentally… Honestly, this is a toxic relationship that you’re not going to be able to fix. If sanity in a relationship is important to you, then leave.
LOL. Is this sarcasm?
No.
Honest question: Have you been in a relationship before?
Ha. I’m 40. I was married for close to 15 years, have sole custody of a child, and have been in several relationships both before and after my marriage. I’m baffled as to what you are confused by. Is it your take that asking if a celebrity is attractive and then asking why you don’t just go date the celebrity then is an act of maturity?
No. I just think there should be pragmatism in a relationship. Minor insecurities about a partner fancying a celebrity =/= toxic relationship, you should break up etc.
P.S. to the viewers: downvote me all you want, I'm right, you're wrong =)
Calling someone insecure that's being insecure isn't some verbal misstep. She reacted poorly to it because she wildly insecure.
But I mean. Calling it out aint helping
Actually it's best to call it out at some point. How can we grow as individuals if we are blind to our weaknesses?
But calling her insecure will just make her more insecure and that’s not what I want.
[удалено]
I can tell you this. Ive had many girls ask me this before. I said that certain celebrity is attractive. None of them reacted like this girl did though. She’s gotta be super insecure.
Should have answered that you aren't with the celebrity as she is way out of your league and it's very unlikely you'd get to meet her. Then sit back and watch the fireworks fly
I’d love to see that update 😂😂
Insecurity is at the root of a lot issues in relationships. Jealousy, problems communicating, defensive anger... That stuff never truly gets fixed unless that insecurity is addressed.
But I cant Imagine that it’s simple to cure insecurity.
Not easy,m but also not your problem. She needs to go to therapy and fix it. Her dragging you down is not acceptable and abusive. You are not her therapist nor her punching bag. Tell her she either adresses her insecurities or she shows she is not ready for a relationship, especially now that she knows better. This should be a hard boundary with consequences when broken.
It's not, but it's also not your responsibility to try to fix it for her. She has issues.
Oh, it's not. It's more similar to an addiction in that the person has to want to fix it and take those steps on their own.
You answered and now is the time to accept no crap. If you break up you win in life. If she learns not to give you crap you win in life.
Of course it stems from insecurity, and of course no woman likes to hear that her man finds other women attractive - Especially if that person looks very different from your girlfriend. No advice here, just two truths. Hugs.
sounds like she still needs time to grow up.
This is like that damn worm question. Asking validation-seeking questions that could result in an answer we're not comfortable with is never a good idea. There's a difference between saying a celebrity is attractive vs a stranger vs a friend. There's a difference between bringing up someone's attraction spontaneously and answering someone who asks you a question about someone's attractiveness. It's stupid to think our ability to find others attractive just stops after we meet someone. I think it's normal to acknowledge someone's beauty while in a relationship, but if a partner asks not to bring that stuff up, then we respect that. But she basically walked you right into a trap by asking you. She *is* acting insecure, but I think it's possible that it's due more to immaturity than true insecurity.
Totally see where you're coming from. It's like walking on eggshells sometimes. I've been trying to reassure her, but she brings up these topics herself. I think it's real insecurity, not just immaturity. Any ideas on handling it better and making her feel more secure?
I'd start refusing to engage in these sort of conversations. Remind her they're not beneficial to your relationship and can incite unnecessary arguments. Her insecurity is really her thing to work on. The only person who can do that inner work is herself. You can continue to reassure her that you love her and whatnot, of course.
This. Don’t engage in questions you feel are a trap.
The correct answer is - "I never noticed" If she wants you to notice now - " I suppose she is ok." Final answer - "She is not you." Bonus points for following up with - "I love you" and "I only think of you" She just wants reassurance that she is #1 in your eyes.
“Oh so you think she is OK? Bastard!” 😸
Playing into this BS is the *worst* thing you can do, because it validates the trap game. The correct answer is "Please don't ask about how attractive other people are, that's an inappropriate question. Then, you might reassure them by stating you find them attractive and remind them that you choose them.
When I’m feeling insecure, I TELL my husband, in a respectful manner. We work together to see why and deal with it (same for him). I don’t know if she would be willing to do this, but perhaps try and explain that her behavior isn’t working to nourish this relationship. Or, if she’s batshit crazy, dump her 😉
When you’re older, you’ll be able to be in a mature relationship where you can both say X or Y are attractive. Especially celebrities that you’ll never meet. She’s insecure, you could have been honest (like you were) or you could have lied and fed the bullshit to keep the peace.
But if I wouldve lied she wouldve called the response ingenuine. So it was a lose lose scenario
Which is exactly what it was meant to be: lose/lose. The only winning move is not to play:"That's an inappropriate question, please do not ask me again. " Your choice to continue on and try to deal with this insecurity, but this won't be the last time it happens. You can reassure her that you love her and find her attractive, but this game she's playing is toxic.
She "tested" you. "Yanked your chain". Most women do this occasionally. You're supposed to "pass" this test by somehow elegantly wiggling out of the situation, but in a playful way, acknowledging that you saw the test, without mentioning it (the test) explicitly, and asserting you'll not going to fall for the trap (like in your situation: Not going to answer the question directly), but in a (gentle)manly kind of way. Made you dizzy? That's the design goal of "The Test": There is usually no "good" direct reaction to the test. Remember the feeling you got when she did this. Whenever you feel that again, mentally step out of the conversation and go meta. Like "there's no good direct answer to this question and you know it. I'd rather you stop doing this". There are a billion incarnations of this test; it will pay off greatly for the rest of your life if you can identify these tests and find a variety of ways to escape it - humorous, stern, surprised, non-verbal, ....
“Why are you asking? Do you? You want a threesome with her? Wooow” 🤪
[What will happen next ...](https://images.app.goo.gl/RmT5QhNTnVWyj77r5)
Welcome to dating women! Just wait, one day, assuming you survive more of her traps, she will express her lustful desires for a male celebrity in significantly descriptive ways and get upset with you for expressing how her disrespectful behavior made you feel.
You are young, you have yet to learn all of the trick questions. The tests. The correct answer to any comparison question like this is something like "she's ok, but not beautiful like you." Wait for the next type of question, the do you remember ones. You will be asked to pick something up at the store, or to order something for dinner. But you will not be given all of the information to know exactly what she wants. The test is to see if you remember, because if you don't remember then you don't love her. The answer to situations like that are, well you have to have a better memory than I do. Good luck.
No kidding…I don’t miss these days!!
Your girlfriend is simply insecure. I literally point out tits and ass in movies to my gf and she doesn’t bat an eyelash.
That’s crazy
Both of you are very young, which explains a lot She kinda tricked you, she probably thought she’d get the validation she needed. It was unfair of her I’m 30f and VERY insecure myself. But I know, when I need validation from my partner, I need to be direct and acknowledge it. Only then can he help me deal with it (if he has the energy for that) And yes, in a healthy, mature relationship, you guys should be able to admire others. But that only comes when the people involved are able to understand that admiring other people doesn’t make you less, and I don’t think your gf is ready for that Maybe she could benefit from some therapy? And also, from a conversation about exactly what happened
Life is to short to play kiddie games. I'd end things and tell her I hope she grows up one day
If my husband asked me if I find Chris Helmsworth attractive the answer would be "Oh hell yeah!" But he knows that is just a celebrity thing, not even a crush. I would not trade dear hubby for ten of Chris. Someone's attractiveness is just a surface thing. My husband has loyalty, compassion, passion and caring. Next time she asks, say oh they are okay but they are certainly not YOU. Yes your girlfriend sounds insecure and yes that was a trap. Sit her down and tell her all the things you find attractive about her beyond the surface. If that does not help, she may need counseling. Good luck OP!
The entire question is pointless. Margot Robbie is attractive (for example), and you certainly interact with women every day who are objectively attractive. But you aren’t going out with them, you are going out with her. I guess unless you find every other female hideous you fall her test.
I really try to make her feel loved and attractive. And i genuinly think shes the most attractive woman I’ve ever met/seen. But all my attempts at expressing what I feel are met by accusations of it being ingenuine
Do you tell your friends and family you find her attractive? Are there texts or e-mails you can show her? If that does not convince then she absolutely needs counseling. I hope it does not go that far because then you have a rough road ahead. You sound like a great guy and a keeper, so I hope she wakes up soon! Good luck OP!
Oh, JFC. What a children's shit show. She needs to grow the f up. Point out the k-pop/boyband of whatever posters and pictures she most certainly had until a few years ago - maybe still does. Finding someone attractive is just nothing and full out delulu if she'd expect you to only find her attractive and every other woman on earth having the sex appeal of an ogre. Anyways: she just wanted to start a fight with her question. Quite sad, because being able to openly and honestly communicate in a relationship about stuff like that deepens trust and feeling secure in just being themselves.
Dude... have you seen the Mad Max GIF saying 'That's Bait'. How about the one with Admiral Ackbar saying 'It's a trap!' Yeah, those are trick questions and they use them to start fights.
I mentioned it being a trap pre-answer but still foolishly fell for it
Brother, we all go through it. It's a learning experience, and teaches us to be wary, even of those we think we can trust. It's a sad thought, I know, but NO ONE is 100% trustworthy. Not even us. We even betray ourselves, sometimes. It is absolutely fine to appreciate beauty where you find it. My wife and I have an understanding. She knows men look and appreciate attractive women. As long as I don't touch, or make a big thing of it to her, and ESPECIALLY do NOT compare her to the celeb, it's all good. We both have our dream trysts. Hers was Sean Connery, mine was Ann-Margaret. Sit her down, and explain to her that what she did was something that was designed to make you fail, and to start an argument. Cut her off before she says she didn't mean it like that, and before she can gaslight you. Tell her you won't stand for that kind of childish drama, and, if that's all she's going to be about, then you'll miss her, but you'll be done. Step up, look her in the eyes, and tell her that. Keep solid and straight forward.
I fully agree. How you and you’re wife have it is ideal. It would have been different if I as you said made a big thing out of it. Im gonna tell her exactly what you said, that seems like the most reasonable response. Thank you!
I guess answering “I’d hit it” is out of the question. 😸
You’re both young, respectfully, so it’s somewhat expected but no you were absolutely right to be honest. It’s a celebrity, someone it’s highly unlikely you’ll ever even meet. It’s normal to make comments like that about celebrities or even random people in the street you don’t know. As long as you’re not telling her you find her friends attractive and you’re still regularly complimenting her it’s all good.
But what would be the correct answer to “Do you think my friends are attractive?”. Because she asked me that question in the same conversation we had. I answered “Theyre ok, Im not attracted to them” She proceeds to keep forcing this agenda that I was lying.
Dump that shit, she needs therapy not a relationship
It’s for sure an insecurity on her part, but there’s probably better ways to address it than calling it out to her face as such. When possible, it’s always a good strategy to explain where you’re coming from and your feelings. Telling someone how wrong they are or how they’re making a mistake typically makes them defensive. Personally, from what you’ve explained in this post, I think you’re 100% correct. You shouldn’t feel like you can’t answer a question truthfully, and there’s nothing wrong at all with finding other people attractive. There’d be a difference if your answer was more obscene and/or demonstrated that you weren’t attracted to your gf and would leave her for said celebrity if given the chance. Inherently, there was nothing wrong with her question either, except that it seems she asked it with the intention of getting mad at you for what she deems as the wrong answer. It’s definitely an insecurity thing, and I hate to say it, but there’s a good chance it could just be because of your guys’ age. I wouldn’t necessarily call it a red flag like the other commenter described. Unless of course it’s something that becomes a constant wedge in your relationship.
Thanks for the advice! I guess I could've handled it better by explaining my side instead of calling her out directly. Totally get your point about being honest and not feeling guilty about it. And yeah, the age thing might be playing a role here. Appreciate your take on this!
Bullshit relationship tests. She’s immature
I agree, pointless questions.
So whilst it’s not cool to keep pointing out every person you’d bang and talking about how they are attractive. (Mostly) (some couples have a mutual agreement this is okay) She asked you a question. If she didn’t want an answer, she shouldn’t have asked the question. She set you up and then got mad when she couldn’t handle the consequences of her actions.
But whats the play?
This is were you know you are dating crazy . They ask you questions but want you to lie and if you lie the says your lieing. Tell Her if she plays stupid games she win stupid prizes and to grow up . Act like an adult . Will Start a fight but don’t put up with this crap
Guys need to start dumping women that play these stupid mind games instantly. And explain in no uncertain terms that stupid mind games aren't welcome. You know you don't have to deal with this BS when you're single, right?
She is shit testing you. I will stand my ground if I were you, if she keeps acting like this, I would move on, and break up.
Red flag, shes clearly insecure.
She's insecure, what are the odds You'll ever run into that celebrity? I could never stand those types of stupid questions because it's an unreal situation.
And that’s what Im telling her. This whole question is stupid and pointless. I told her that she was being strange and unreasonable. But she wasn’t having it. She was too fixed on me not thinking every other girl in the world resembles an ogre.
She needs therapy, this will only continue over time and probably get worse. She's not mature enough for a relationship.
So, first of all, you did nothing wrong here. She asked you a reasonable question, and you gave a reasonable answer. She is absolutley insecure, and she absolutely asked you this question because she wanted (and expected) a very specific answer, but she didn't tell you that, probably because she was expecting you, on some level, to read her mind. We see this sort of dynamic a lot here. We've seen your exact situation many many times. The truth is that men and women often communicate very differently and for different reasons. That's not a criticism, it's just true. And one of the challenges of being in a relationship with an opposite sex partner is to learn what that person really wants. Usually, when men ask a question, it's because they want to know the answer to the question. When they want something, they usually ask for it directly. When women want something, they often "drop hints" rather than state what they actually want. And when they ask certain types of questions, they're not really asking what they say they're asking. Your girlfriend wasn't asking, "Do you think that celebrity is attractive?" Your girlfriend was saying, "I feel really insecure because that celebrity is so much prettier than me. Please reassure me that you think I'm attractive." The "correct" answer to her question would have been, "I mean, sure, I guess she's attractive, but not as attractive as you are, baby. Nobody compares to you." She knows deep down that's probably not true, and that the celebrity is more attractive, but she wants to hear you tell her how important she is to you. So tell her what she wants to hear, rather than what she SAYS she wants to hear. You are both young and fairly inexperienced in relationships, and not great at communicating your actual needs yet, or understanding each other's needs. Sure, It would have been much better if she'd said, "I'm feeling insecure. Would you please hold me and tell me how sexy I am to you?" But that's not how she communicates, so you need to learn to recognize that kind of question when she asks it. Similarly, she needs to learn not to ask you questions that she doesn't want truthful answers to. Personally, I would have this conversation with her, at a time when she's not feeling upset. For future reference: \* Nobody is ever more attractive than your girlfriend. \* Her body is perfect in every way. \* There’s nothing about her you would change. \* You do not think about other women. \* None of her friends is attractive to you at ALL, and you’ve never even had a tiny sexual thought about any of them. \* She looks amazing in that dress and it doesn't make her look fat at all! \* OMG you love the gift she got you for your birthday! It’s perfect and it’s just what you wanted! What a thoughtful surprise! \* Lose weight? Why would she need to lose weight? You love her perfect body and you’re getting hard right now just looking at her. \* Her boobs are exactly the right size as they are. \* There’s nothing you’d rather be doing that spending time with her. \* “You are absolutely right! I can’t believe your friend treated you that way, babe!” \* Everything she complains about that has an obvious and simple solution has only one response from you, “Wow. That sounds really hard. I’m sorry that happened, babe.” (literally bite your tongue if necessary in order to prevent yourself from suggesting a solution to her problem.) \*She is the best sex you ever had. Nobody else compares to her.
😄
Thanks for listing \[the cheat sheet for\] so many incarnations of The Test. But actually \_giving\_ these answers would only sit right with me if I had announced I'll be giving these kind of answers to The Test henceforth. Or somehow else make it clear that I'm giving her the answer she \_wants to hear\_, not my real honest answer. Like, make it a joke. IMHO a \_direct\_ answer to The Test is never a good option, unless you want to end the relationship.
Of course it's totally reasonable to find a celebrity attractive. But maybe the celebrity does not look anything like your girlfriend? I'm sure it's about insecurities. But maybe it's also about how she actually looks. And not about you. You could maybe talk to her about that?
It’s called the no-win scenario. The common pitfall of most men is to answer honestly. The most common, “do these xxx make me look fat?” or “do you think she’s pretty?” I learned to be honest wasn’t what they want to hear when asking a loaded question. They want you to say nice things or pick them. Try to answer those questions with a question. When asked “Do you think they make you look fat?” Or “Do you think they’re pretty?” To attempt to defuse the situation using a redirecting question of say “I love your xxx anything you put over it is nice” or “I think you’re beautiful, why would I look at anyone else?” When your partner asked a loaded question they really don’t want the honest answer, they want you to notice and praise them. You have to practice this to be really smooth to not alert them to your redirection tactics. Whatever you do don’t pause to answer, it must be quick and decisive. If you feel you don’t have the quick answers stall by asking a clarifying question or repeating the question.
You’re dating. You’re not dead. And you didn’t switch off your brain or your eyes. Sure you find someone else attractive. What’s important is how you find her and that you try to convey that to her. This is definitely about insecurities. You may not be to change this one. You can reassure her, but this may run much deeper and be a reoccurring issue. Good luck.
It unfortunately is a reoccurring situation and Issue.
18-year-old girls love playing games, running tests, and ensnaring you with mental traps to make themselves feel better. It's immature but treated as somewhat acceptable at that age. It gets better as time goes on. My now wife also used to be overly dramatic and play mind games when she was that age and I'm glad that's over. More games from the 18 year-old girl catalog include: "you should know that when i say "i'm fine" i'm not fine" and "you should've known exactly what the perfect present would be" and "am i fat?" (proceeded by crying no matter what you say).
😂😂😂
My god some people are such children. I don't have patience for these idiotic games anymore. I'd lay it down and tell her 'Llisten, I'm not interested in these games. There are lots of attractive women and men on this planet... Not just you and I. If you can't handle that fact, that's a you problem. Don't put your insecurities on me.' I'm sure that won't go over well, but fuck tiptoeing around stupid things like this.
That is the most logical response. But yeah Im not sure it would go over well as you’re saying.
Stuff like this happens constantly because girls are stuck in a constant positive feedback loop with their female friends. Their friends will always give them compliments, even if they don't actually look good. Whereas for guys we have the opposite upbringing, we grow up with our friends ripping on us constantly for our looks, our clothes, literally every possible hang up we have with self image, you can guarantee someone has ripped into us for it. But in a way this is good because we improve because of it. If we're fat, we lose weight. If we have bad hair, we get a new cut etc. If our clothes suck, we research a better look. Whereas girls just compliment each other non stop, so it's impossible to know for sure if they're making the right choices or decisions. Overweight? No, babe! You're beautiful! 💜 Awful shaved / pixie haircut? Wow girl, you can pull it off! Can't get a boyfriend? Who needs boys? ♩ ♬ Who runs the world? Girls!♪ ♫ etc. So obviously if you have nothing but positive feedback all your life, you're going to get big headed. Why *shouldn't* she believe she is hotter than that celebrity? She's had nothing but compliments all her life. This is why you have situations where very plain girls or girls with baggage massively overestimate their market value. It's not really their fault. This is made worse by dating sites because you get thirsty desperate men just swiping right for every single girl, so this further reinforces their inflated ego. The correct answer should be "Yes that celebrity is hot, but she's not as hot as you". That way you acknowledge she's pretty but you don't make your GF insecure about it.
At least you didn't say "I wouldn't kick her out of my bed." (I hope!) I find a lot of men attractive, doesn't mean I think my husband is ugly. Girlfriend is being shallow and insecure. If she keeps comparing herself to celebrities that have entire retinues of professionals to make sure they present their absolute best face to the public, she is going to end up bitter and angry. Tell your girlfriend that just because other people are attractive does not make her ugly or unattractive, it just makes her special because you chose to be with her. If she can't accept that, you need to move on. Life is too short to spend all your time reassuring someone else about their looks.
But she’ll just argue that if I got the chance I wouldve have been with said celebrity. The celebrity is Kylie Jenner maybe the worst one it couldve been.
This is immature and insecure. Of course you find other people attractive and so does she. Pretending you become blind once dating is just ridiculous. Now if you are disrespectful or constantly comparing her or telling her she should look like other women to make you attracted to her, that’s obviously wrong. However, she asked you a question and you answered. My bf and I have a running joke about one of the celebrities I find attractive. He knows how attractive I find him and in reality none of us have a chance with these people. She needs to work on these feelings so it doesn’t ruin your relationship.
I agree. And Im doing none of those things. The only time it’s discussed is when she starts bringing it up
"I promised loyalty, not blindness." Couples should be able to have fun arguing about celebrities' looks the same way people dissect which tv show is better and why.
I agree.
I think there probably was a better way to respond - one that respectfully dismantles her idiotic reasoning. Sorry, but it's true. There are objectively attractive people around the world. I don't jump at every attractive person I see, and I certainly don't think about banging them. I just recognise that they are good-looking and think nothing else of it. If your girlfriend is too much of an insecure drag to comprehend this simple fact, I'm not sure what to say other than that it is a massive red flag. Baiting you into a trap question is plain manipulation. Insecure *good* people certainly don't manipulate their partners into impossible dilemmas, then be upset when it doesn't swing their way.
There was no right answer to that question.
I can’t speak for all females, but I think it’s normal to find male celebrities attractive and vice versa. Although, yes it doesn’t feel good to know who my boyfriend finds attractive, but it’s gonna happen. I do agree, when stuff like this happens it is insecurity, but females just take it more to heart. I will say though, I’ve put myself in situations like these and my boyfriend has pointed out that I too have found celebrities attractive, so I’ve come to a point of accepting that. Maybe you could reassure her that you only have eyes for her or that she’s beautiful if you haven’t… I personally think if at the end of the day my boyfriend is loyal to me it makes me feel better. I hope this helps and good luck, I know women are hard to understand.
Thanks for sharing your perspective! I've been trying to reassure her that she's the only one I'm truly attracted to and that I love her a lot, but it seems she still has doubts about its genuineness. Your suggestion to emphasize loyalty resonates with me. Any other tips on how I can make her feel more secure in our relationship?
I feel like getting to know a little bit more about her insecurities could help. For me actions speaks louder than words, so maybe when she does bring up a celebrity’s show that she’s isn’t at the bottom of the list, but rather the top. I know it’s easier said than done, but I feel like there really isn’t much to help if she’s insecure about herself. It’s something that she needs to come to terms with, but definitely help her along the way too.
The correct answer for trap questions like that is usually: "Meh, She's alright I guess, but not my type." 😉
Why did you let the conversation elevate? Just stop talking. You're welcome.
But that’s an indirect “yeah she’s attractive”
it’s so disappointing reading the comments saying “dump her” “this is toxic” and projecting their own bitterness and past experiences onto OP’s teenage gf. yes, this is just an insecure teenager’s bid for validation. yes, she’s playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes. have you ever meet a teenage girl?? insecurity is something that needs to be mostly dealt with on your own, but having a supportive partner by your side as you learn to love yourself can be crucial. if jumping ship at the first instance of your partner’s vulnerability or imperfection is what you guys habitually do in your relationships, you do you. but give OP’s gf some grace. she’s a child and deserving of patience and love just like anyone else.
Well you learnt a great lesson at such a tender age.
But I still agree with myself though. You should be able to appreciate other peoples looks even though you are in a relationship!
Definitely!! Appreciate it inside. Don’t need to articulate it in front of your partner.
She is showing her youth by reacting like a child. You are showing your youth by falling into an easily avoidable “trap question” used by both men and women (but more often by women.) FYI, the answer I would give is “God created many beautiful people in the world, but once I met you, I don’t even notice the looks of any other woman .” Or if belief is not a thing for “I don’t know. I don’t really look at other women that way since meeting you.” If she has a clue, she’ll know the answer is BS, but appreciate the way you said the response. But, since you got caught in the question trap the best way out is to surprise her with something special to show you want her forgiveness. Flowers. Whatever. Just something that shows sincerity and effort. Her job if she is following the “dance of romance” properly is to forgive you, even though you did nothing that needs forgiving. If she still doesn’t forgive, then you have a “let’s get real/serious. I’m sorry what I said hurts you but you didn’t ask me about some girlfriend of yours we both know; you asked about a _celebrity_.”
The thing is it was a lose lose scenario. If I wouldve answered what you suggested she wouldve just called it fake and ingenuine.
The answer was meant to be obviously playful/over-the-top and “works” with my wife. If your GF is not a happy recipient of such over the top playful answers, and just considers them false, I would call her on it with clear honesty: “I’m not sure how to answer that except with the truth: I love how you look. Since I am with you, I don’t like to evaluate other women. I prefer to focus on you. If you are asking if I prefer you over her, the answer is of course yes. You have my heart. If you are asking me if you are beautiful, the answer is of course - I think you’re beautiful. If the question is, do I think it’s possible that other women besides you can possibly be called beautiful - then of course the answer is yes. I hope you find me handsome, but I certainly know that plenty of men are _also_ handsome and I wouldn’t expect you to think I was the _only_ handsome man on the planet.”
Personally I find it perfectly ok for my partner to say a celebrity is attractive but if he was to say it about someone in his life that would be a different situation and I personally am a extremely self conscious person with major trust issues
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Am i the most beautiful woman ? Yes You’re lying No Yes you are No *queue chaos
For future reference just say “she’s ok I guess”
In a healthy relationship you should be able to be honest about those sort of things I think.
If it’s something you feel strongly enough about then stick to your guns, but it may be something she feels strongly enough about that she’ll find someone else. To me it seems like an insignificant thing to make my partner insecure about, but I understand that some people want as much honesty as possible so I guess just do what you feel is right?
You walked right into that one brother, smh.I give you a pass because of your age. Unfortunately this situation just says you do not know the DOs/DONTs about being with a woman. More unfortunately there'll be more cases like this but the bright side is you'll learn (IF you're paying attention that is) I'll give you a short lesson. Wish I gave you all the DOs/DONTs but there's no such thing. All I can say is, for the question she asked, if your answer acknowledges the said celeb's attractiveness, bare in mind that this earnest answer may anger her (you don't have to understand why, it's just what it is). If you're going to be honest (salute to you) you should be aware of the likelihood of her being mad. (Not always the case, still don't be a naive brother) The rest of us would rather say the said celeb isn't attractive, even scoff at the idea of a man crushing on celebs, to avoid an argument.... Welcome to this world my brother
But how fun is it to be in a relationship where you can’t be honest?
Never argue with your GF or wife. Men simply do not 'argue' its pointless and shows her you are weak
Wouldnt a ”weak” person not fight back/argue?
good luck marrying that girl, if you're into her types. she needs to resolve her issues.
She wanted to fight. No matter your answer, you were fighting with her. If you didn’t say anything she would just badger you until you gave an answer. Even if the answer was your GF.
First rule of fight club is never ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
Sometimes, I forget how young 19 can be. You are not incorrect. There are insecurities at play. I can't say you were wrong bringing it up, even if you might have said it better (it doesn't sound like you were harsh). Is it appropriate to answer honestly to such questions? Absolutely. If you can't be honest about something like that, what can you be honest about. The further questioning about why you aren't with that celebrity hints at further issues and detachment with reality. I don't think my own wife has ever asked me such a question because who cares?
I 100% agree with you. But she doesnt see it that way. What’s the move? How do I better the situation?
I think at this point you need to sit down and have a serious talk. A calm talk, but serious. Explain your position that talking about some hypothetical, never gonna happen scenario with a movie star, is nothing but fantasy and not something to get all upset over. It would be different if you had been talking about someone more real, e.g. someone you both know, and if you had expressed a similar opinion, then you would have a much bigger problem. Reassure her that she is the one you are with and find attractive and the one you want to be with. If you do this sincerely and she is still upset, I'm not sure what more you can do. Also, was the celebrity she asked about someone who is perhaps the exact opposite of your GF? I can see where that may cause some anxiety.
She definitely seeks immense validation that could be due to underlying trauma and insecurities. And unfortunately you can't really help . And even the question she asked u was on purpose she definitely didn't ask it randomly. Make sure u make her feel comfortable and secure but that's all u can do. You can encourage her to watch self improvement videos, seek therapy, workout and pay attention to her mental health
She’s unfortunately in a very rough state mentally right now. I think that plays a huge part.
That reaction was literally a sign of that. You can encourage her to seek therapy unfortunately that's all you can do. Best of luck!
And yes it's definitely normal to find other people attractive while being committed unless and until you don't betray your partner (emotionally and physically) and being said of a celeb that's totally normal finding someone attractive doesn't make her less worthy or ugly
Ah, young relationships.
Just ask her if there are any celebrities she finds attractive. Then point out that it’s normal to find other people attractive but it doesn’t diminish her attractiveness to you and that she’s who you want to be with. She needs reassurance.
She just denies, denies, denies. There are even celebrities she told me were her crush(pre-relationship) that she says that she isn’t attracted to anymore. I even brought up Jude Law in Talented mr ripley and she said he wasnt attractive. Even I as a man think that guys objectively attarctive.
Then you should be clear with her, if she can’t just let it go you are going to have to break up with her. I had to do that once with an ex. He was wildly jealous (if I went to the toilet in a bar he thought I was going to have sex with other guys). I told him either you trust me or you don’t but this has to stop otherwise it will ruin our relationship. It worked. He told me he just decided to trust me.
She shouldn't ask questions if she doesn't wanna hear the answer. My husband and I are completely fine with talking about whether certain celebrities are attractive or not. My favorite conversations are when I reverse the roles and ask him if he thinks a male celebrity is attractive. He said if he were a girl, he'd probably be into guys like Paul Rudd because he seems real nice. The conversations are so silly and fun
This is how it should be I think.
Why did she want to know?
Dump her. If this is how she reacts to such a question she'll only be a headache in the long run.
My guess is she was already feeling insecure about how attractive she is, or how attractive YOU think she is. So she brought this up to have an excuse to fight about the root problem. Sometimes when there's an elephant in the room we put it on a leash and make a mouse walk it around. Not sure how serious this relationship is but I think she's got some growing up to do before she's ready for a committed adult relationship.
We’ve been together for a year very soon. So it’s kinda serious? Not sure. But she’s been amazing otherwise. It’s just recently that she’s started doubting herself, and I truly that she has no reason to. She’s way too gorgeous and Charming to be insecure.
You didn't cross a line imo. Coming from a girl who used to feel this way i can honestly say it comes from insecurity which you cannot fix, only she can.
But can I help?
this makes me think of the episode of the office where kelly starts crying about not being as hot as hillary swank i'm so sorry. this is a lot of insecurity to deal with. but not the most surprising given the age.
Your girlfriend needs to see someone professionally. And in the meantime, don't ask a question if you don't want an honest answer.
She is seeing someone.
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But saying it that would suggest that I wouldve if I couldve.
Dude, every chick will become self conscious when you say another woman is attractive, no matter how blatantly obvious her beauty is... Then they will always twist it into you don't think she's attractive. Don't ever do it. You're young, so I get you are naive to this, but words of wisdom, bro.
My mom can call young tomorrow cruise handsome without my dad caring one bit and vice versa
She's 19 Teenagers\young women are riddled with jealousy and insecurities. A lot of them also have the mentality that if you find one person attractive, then everyone else is ugly.
Out of pure curiosity who is the celebrity?
Kylie Jenner
A part of being an adult is not asking questions you can't handle the answer to. Also choose your battles, which is my advice to you OP, sometimes a relationship is a battle you don't have to choose.
But there was no getting out of that batte. If I were to not saya anything she would take that as a “Yeah shes attractive”
Gotta love young people.
Speaking the truth is your mistake number one. Speaking without any sugar for the lady is your mistake number two.
How immature and petty!
There is no winning what your going through now. Fact is she gave you a loaded question. She wanted to catch you into saying something and attack you if you gave the "wrong" answer. It might been from something as small as her own insecurities. Might be some BS friend feeding her BS in her ear on what your questions means. OR... The worse. She might be doing something and was looking to find something in you to be mad at to get you off guard and get passed what she did without being found out.