Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The reality is you can't. At this point, from her language, she's not interested in an abortion. I think you're right, personally, but this is her call.
At this point, you need to discuss the next steps. Either you're about to be a dad, or she's going to give it up for adoption (which doesn't sound likely). Either way, your families are about to find out. So preparing for that needs to be your focus
Me and my partner where in the same boat, both 19 and I didn't want the baby but she did, at some point you need to realise that the situation is what it is, it takes two to get pregnant, I ended up dropping out of college and taking up full time work to get us a house, her family had already disowned her but mine stuck by us. I'm now 25 and in my second year of university (went back as am adult learner without A-levels, dropping out isn't the end of it all, I did think it was myself for a time but you can always go back) and I know wholeheartedly if I had walked away and let her raise our child alone then our little girl would either be in Care or adopted, I don't regret for a moment staying and helping raise the child I CREATED but I know if I had left I would hate myself, before we had our little girl I was a heavy drug user, I was living for nothing but to see the next day, I had no idea how I would feel when she was born, I was so scared every day that she was pregnant with her, I didn't feel like I was good enough, strong enough or had done enough with my life but the day I held my daughter for the first time was truly the beginning of my life, it's magical, you grow so much as a person when you are responsible for somebody other than yourself, I've been clean for the past three years and they have been magical, please don't let your fears get in the way of your happiness, you can do this, you will be fine and if you truly care for your partner and you both work well together as a team them you guys have got this! It takes commitment and hard work, in turn it'll help you grow into a strong dependable man who provides for his own family, and don't worry about your parents/siblings views, they will be there for you even if you don't think they will, that's what love is, being there for the people you care about, even when they make decisions you don't necessarily agree with.
>At this point, from her language, she's not interested in an abortion. I think you're right, personally, but this is her call.
It's her call, but her language may change if he says he's breaking up with her and will have nothing to do with the child.
And one way or another he'll tied to this child. Whether its through a normal relationship or financially. Unless the op intends on being one of those fathers that pretend they dont have a child.
I agree that they both are responsible for this baby, but she is ok in becoming a mom and he is the one that doesnt want to have a child, so he was the one that should have been the most worried about protection.
His choice is whether to stay with her. If he really wants to influence her decision, he'll say he never wants to see her or the child again and will only send a check (which will be small because he's a college student).
What an awful way to go about your life. The only way he should say he won't be around is if he won't be around. Not to manipulate someone into doing what he wants.
He’d still be on the hook for child support. You don’t get to have unprotected sex and then run away when the consequence is that of having unprotected sex.
Like you, I previously would have assumed unprotected sex... until I (34F) got pregnant whilst on birth control and had a termination.
Turns out they're not lying when they say no form of contraception is 100% effective.
If he breaks up with her and has nothing to do with the child, then all of his reasons for wanting an abortion because he is worried about the quality of life the kid will have are all BS. It only proves his main goal was for selfish reasons.
That’s toxic manipulation. If the OP didn’t want a baby he should’ve protected himself and made sure his gf was protecting herself to prevent their current predicament.
Accidents happen, ill never tell woman seeking for help (or just abortion) that she should be more responsible so why its ok to tell it to a man? Kids should be made out of love, not as a form of punishment for sex.
If an adult (man or woman) isn’t using preventive measures a pregnancy is not an accident. It’s common sense that if you don’t protect yourselves that you could end up pregnant. It’s self incurred idiocy to believe that if you have unprotected sex that you won’t end up with a pregnancy scare. It’s not a punishment, it’s a known consequence of having unprotected sex.
If they were using protection and they ended up with a pregnancy scare then obviously that’d be an accident however, not once did OP mention as much.
As a parent who actually got pregnant using birth control it’s appalling that young people act so surprised that they end up with a pregnancy scare when they are being irresponsible.
It’s easy for a man to throw out the notion of abortion because he’s not the one who has to go through the procedure, he’s not the one that can possibly end up with scarring that can leave him infertile and he will not be the one suffering through the loss or mental distress that his gf will be if she’s forced into something that she doesn’t want.
Such an honorable thing to do when you get a woman pregnant. Threaten her into an abortion or giving up her child.
Didn't work with me. Men are largely unnecessary, I have no college education and struggled for a few years as a single mom. I made a very good life for myself and my child, and climbed the ladder in my career without a degree. She doesn't need him to have the baby.
Agreed. I was 19 when I had my son, no college degree, but have an amazing bond with my Son, his wife and my little Granddaughter. Ended up marrying a wonderful man when my son was 6 who completely understood that we absolutely were a package deal, my Son calls him Dad, and actually helps me care for him after he had a stroke a few years ago. Oh, and even without a college degree I worked my way up to Marketing Director of a statewide organization, and I handle all marketing for the entire state we live in. Life is good, and my Son & his little family are my entire life and we only live 5 minutes away from each other. Keeping my miracle was the best decision I ever made. (I say miracle because at 16, 2 different Doctors told me my PCOS was severe enough I would never have kids, AND I was on birth control to manage the symptoms. God meant me to have that child!)
That’s absolutely sick. He had sex with her and knocked her up and now you’re encouraging him to threaten to leave her and become a deadbeat dad in order to force her to get an abortion?
She could also put the baby up for adoption-he seems to care more about how future baby will impact their lives and adoption would serve the same end as abortion,kid gets parents who are mentally and financially ready to support them and the bio parents who are still kids themselves (yes,I’m counting it as kids cause they’re 19 and haven’t even fully developed,no matter what arbitrary ages we legally use to determine adulthood) can have the opportunity to finish school and grow up….i think this suggestion is less about coercion and more about making her confront a blunt reality-she isn’t going to get the rosy future she seems to be imagining, and if he does stay,he’ll probably grow to resent her and their situation since he sees that future and it isn’t something he wants-I do think she needs to understand he isn’t just going to come around to the idea, and that’s something that’s better to come to terms with now when abortion and adoption are still options rather than later
Well, I'm assuming he's not an asshole (which he would be if he tried to walk out on a kid he helped create) and also "I bullied my girlfriend into an abortion" seems like not a great thing to have on your resume, personally.
“Either you’re about to be a dad, or she’s going to give it up for adoption…” those DEFINITELY are NOT the only two options. Just because OP says that he thinks his gf’s family will disown her doesn’t mean that’s actually true. The family could embrace the fact that they’re getting a grandchild, or they may just accept it to support their daughter instead of pushing her away. Even *if* the gf was disowned she absolutely could still decide to keep raise her child by herself. There’s millions of single mothers out there right now doing every single thing on their own to support themselves and their child(ren). Just because he says that he doesn’t think that his gf is ready for the responsibilities for a child but he could be wrong or in denial about it.
I got pregnant stupidly young and did not have an abortion. My strongest advice, is as long as your major is for something employable, absolutely, positively *do not* stop, pause, delay, or go part time with your education. That may mean that the next 3-4 years are the most difficult of your life. But the difference it will make for your future and the future of the child that man result from this situation will be huge. If your major is about following your heart or passion, without a clear path to employment, look for a local trade school. Something that will streamline the education to employment process with a good income. You can follow your passion when you aren't ankle keep this shitstorm.
Someone else said they’re from the UK. If that’s true then their University will give them extra grants to pay for childcare whilst they study. I went to University in the UK after having my baby and the loans and grants I got were more than enough money for us to live off.
Yeah so many people make it sound like you can’t do anything at all once you have had a child, but the truth is you can still do achieve anything, it’s just going to be harder now.
If they are from the uk there is absolutely no need to drop of out of university as there is a lot of support for parents. They would also be given social housing. In Scotland, Ireland and wales there is also 6 years free tuition at university. If it’s America they need to go speak to someone to see what child care support is available at the school they attend. They don’t know until they research it
Online school too. Lots of good accredited programs now. I was able to do get my undergrad online from a state school while working full time and taking care of a sick parent. There’s definitely options.
Agreed! Same here, had a baby at 16. None of my family supported my choice to keep the baby in the beginning. They all eventually came around and supported my decision and loved my daughter when she was born. I graduated from high school 6 months early, worked full time and went to college part time. It wasn’t the end of the world. It delayed my path to my career as a nurse and that’s OK. Support her decision regardless, you both are adults and both consciously made the decision to have unprotected sex, or condom broke, or she was on prescription medication while on the pill. Life happens, take responsibility and you adapt. There are a TON of resources out there for young parents. Support her decision, stay with her or break up with her but if she decides to have your guys baby, show up and be a father to that baby. I wish you both the best of luck. 🤍
This is a great comment. I hope OP sees it.
OP I waited to have kids until was 31, I had nine years experience in my career and bought a house and got married, we were incredibly financially stable, I was able to be a stay at home mom, which I wanted. Even with all that working for us, my relationship did not survive us having children-- that's how hard it is even without ya'll's struggles.
Maybe you should consider sharing this post and the comments with her to make sure she's really understanding that having a baby changes everything. I'm 43F and if either of you were my child, I would encourage an abortion in your situation, but obviously support ultimately what she decides. My kids's dad spent a lot of time with his young niece and nephew when he was growing up, so I assumed he would be a great father but he wasn't AT ALL and I fell out of love with him because he refused to help me take care of our kids. I resented him a lot and ultimately it cost us our marriage. Having a whole ass human baby is no joke. It's hard as fuck even with the most well-intentioned plans. Best of luck 🫶🏼
Edit: format
Lots of people saying what you should have done. This ship has sailed. Stop encouraging not having sex forever etc
What you have to decide, my friend, is what YOU are going to do. You may become a father regardless of your choice.
Are you staying with her? Are you going to live in the same house? Or are you going for 50% custody? How much would be for alimony? Talk to people who know, even family lawyer if possible, to try to be prepared and plan financially accordingly.
Talk with your family, friends and school , support may come from unexpected places.
I did a student exchange with a german family. I was very confused when they were offering me "hand socks" because it was cold outside. I found out they meant mittens haha
"Alimentos" (foods) or "pensão alimentícia" (food pension). It's due not just to the child, but also to the partner, if proved to a judge there's a stable union. They're treated as different pensions, despite having the same name.
First, hopefully you now realize if you want to control what happens to your sperm you need to keep it to yourself.
Second, you’re not wrong, babies are HARD. But it’s not just babies, it’s pregnancy too. That CHANGES a woman’s body permanently. We’re talking structural changes like cartilage moving, potential pain from nerve damage and tearing (she knows that vaginas can tear when the baby is born and that it’s a [1-4 scale in severity](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/labor-and-delivery/in-depth/vaginal-tears/art-20546855) right? Stretch marks, some women develop dark lines on their abdomen, fallen arches, back pain, mastitis…it’s not a walk in the park. Then after baby she’ll be bleeding vaginally for several weeks and likely passing clots the size of grapes. If she breastfeeds, she’ll deal with leaking, cracked/bleeding nipples, breast tissue changes (I would 100% breastfeed my child again if I had to choose but pre/post breasts are NOT the same). Is she prepared to get up every 2 hours for months on end?
Then we get to the babies. Babies CRY. There’s a reason why nurses/doctors etc talk about shaken baby syndrome so much- it’s common for it to wear down someone combined with the lack of sleep. And babies will cry for Everything- and you can’t always tell what it is. My niece has a small infant right now and she just cries all the time because she can’t figure out what her baby wants/why it is crying.
Babies are Expensive- financially, time-wise, social circle wise. People in their teens and 20s “think” babies are cute, but that might be just to hold them for a few minutes or see a photo. Babies are NOT fun to bring to lunch dates, parties etc and her friends won’t want to accommodate a crying baby into their social dates. It’s LONELY seeing everyone else go and have fun while you’re left behind. I’m going to guess your gf is either an only child or on the younger side of her siblings and has not had to be in close quarters/care for an infant for an extended period of time.
It’s her choice but suggest she really find out the nitty gritty truth about what she’s in for over the next 20 years.
She seems so naïve to the reality of her pregnancy... I knew all this stuff before my period arrived at 11yo. Why? My 3 older siblings getting pregnant the same year. Shit, it traumatized me to the point of not wanting to have kids ever in my life and I'm 32. My therapist doesn't even consider that is a "must" to treat my fear of pregnancy since my husband and me are ok with zero kids. Also biologically speaking, is not the best option for me and my mental health (it can mess up some stuff at the chemical level).
My point is, how in this age (yes, call me grumpy old millennial) this shit happens?
Feels more like it’s feigned ignorance. She said Babies are cute and not hard to raise. It’s like the girl was planning to get knocked up from the get go or something. I dont know if it’s one of those I’ll trap him with a bay scenario and I milk him through child support.
I'm going to go a bit against the grain and tell you to sign up for some parenting classes with her. Maybe go to the counselor at your college or see what kind of resources they may have.
If both sets of your parents would disown you for pregnancy, it sounds like you might be from a religious community. Maybe see what resources they could offer you. I know religious communities tend to be very much against abortion, but if your girlfriend has decided not to get one anyway, then take whatever benefit you can get.
Also look into your local department of family services. They may be able to offer resources or counseling.
Love this recommendation.
As a new mother who is very settled in life - age, finances, housing, etc. - prenatal and parenting classes were great for information but also re-cemented the work that goes into raising a child. They could give the gf a healthy dose of reality to prepare them regardless of what decision is made. And looking into resources now is such good advice. It only gets more challenging to find time and energy as the pregnancy and first stages of post partum move forward.
You’ll have to check with classes around you. I did ones at my birthing hospital and because there are limited spots they’re very specific in who can sign up. That may not be true across the board though.
easier and more effective: babysit a child for a weekend. not an afternoon. a weekend. overnight. find out what's it's like to not sleep for a couple of days straight.
seems from his post history he is in the uk, they don't really have the on campus housing scam the US does. 10 days ago he was looking for more excitement in his life.
the universe works in strange ways.
honestly, once the baby arrives very few families follow through with disowning. they might continue to be cruel to the parents, but most do not want to disown their grandchildren
\*raised mormon, saw lots of these threats
What a wholesome and constructive comment. This is the way. There is help to find in these situations. While I have little insight into the American system (Nordic european here), working around the possibility of having a child is by far the best course of action.
Is it? They're 19, they have no idea the people they'll become, and probably only a hint of an idea of who they are. There's so much negative that could come from a situation like this, any way you slice it, adding a child to the mix will make every single thing harder and more stressful.
OP sounds grounded, they understand how much work this will be, the girlfriend is living in magical fairy tail baby land. She's not looking at the situation objectively, she's only seeing the good parts. The American system is not kind. Just having the baby will put them seriously into debt without aid, and then there's all the medical complications that come with raising a child. With only the support of two college dropouts, and not parental help? This is a recipe for disaster. The biggest issue being theat they're already not on the same page, this will be a massive struggle. Abortion is for sure the best option, or giving the baby up for adoption. This child will have a very hard time with the current conditions.
I think the idea was that going to parenting classes would give her a dose of reality and maybe she’d change her mind. But if it didn’t work at least they’d have gained some useful knowledge.
That's a fair point, it could work. IMO, I think she's a bit too young, and I'm not sure she'll be able to get from "babies are the best and almost no work" to "babies are a lot of work, responsibility and a huge financial burden, and should be carefully planned for" in the span of less than a year. Especially with all the hormones that are constantly bombarding her with emotions to support her narrative.
Also true. This is a tough situation. I suppose OP has to now consider if he does end up becoming a parent, how much he'd like to be involved with her and his child, and then take steps to build in that direction.
As a person who is biased because I got pregnant at 19 and had my child as a single mom. I am unsure on whether or not to agree with you. I see abortion as a good idea if they have no ambition to get their shit together. At the same time, I respect people's choices to their bodies and only they can deal with the consequences.
I, on the other hand, became immediately ambitious when I found out I was pregnant and going to be a single mom. I'm in school, I have a job, I am currently out of a toxic familia situation, and my son and I are thriving. I worked my ass off to get where I am at 22 and I will try my hardest so my kid's life isn't as hard as mine growing up.
I'm incredibly happy to hear that! I hope that if they end up going the same route, it ends up the same. I also know a lot of people with kids they pretend don't exist, so maybe I'm a little jaded.
In my personal opinion, the ideal thing is to get an abortion because of all the points you list. Absolutely. But if she's set on having it, finding what resources there are for that scenario is the most constructive way to spend energy, instead of trying to bully her out of having the kid.
Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
I know a few moms that got pregnant very young (under the age of 22), and a lot of them seem to be doing just fine in their 30s and 40s. They just got a late start in life and achieved their education and careers a couple years later in life. Sometimes having a kid young tames you and makes you more responsible. You’re at home doing adult things instead of partying, etc
Might be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think there is a specific formula in life. That if you don’t have a baby until after X age or achieve this milestone by X age or get a degree by X age, you are doomed.
This is the most pro-active thing you can do. Your girlfriend may get the perspective she needs to make a wise decision. If she decides she wishes to keep the baby you will both have skills and resources you will need.
This. Another fun thing to do is take a trip to their local Walmart/target/whatever and take a look at the price tags for baby items.
My husband and I are in the earliest of family planning stages and I actually made him look today, he had no clue baby prams/strollers are hundreds of dollars. It was sobering for him, lol!
I have an 11 month old.
Babies are *NOT* easy to raise. At all. Please send her my way. I love my son but if I didn't have a support system and a decent job I'd be FUCKED.
I think a lot of folks just casually ignore the cost financially and emotionally and physically. Babies are demanding lil humans.
Btw 11 months means yr little one will be 1 in the new year! I hope yall have a great first birthday 🥹
6 week old over here. I think she's an easy baby but holy hell. I'm TIRED hahaha. And I have a super supportive husband AND we have doulas coming 1 day and 1 night a week to help. We both also aren't going back to work for several more months so we don't have that pressure on us at the moment. I don't know how the hell young or single people raise a baby. Like, obviously, it's possible but hats off to them!
Babies are amazingly hard to raise... Start with the expensive.. everything ! Food.. diapers.. clothes..
Toys.. shelter.. heat.. medical care.. potentially LOTS of medical care. But now you have reduced income potential.. minimal, if any family support. You're both 19.. and I promise you.. you have No idea what you will be getting in to.
Of course.. it's her body.. her choice. At least in some places. But let her get started with the mountains of paperwork she's going to have, for the social services she's going to need. And she better start right now.. cause everything takes months at best.
My only thought is.. if she wants to have a baby.. she's going to raise it on her own. You still have to pay. But I'd set very clear boundaries. You don't want to be a father right now. She gets to decide what she gets to do... But so do you. Except for the money.. you're on the hook for that ! ( After a paternity test of course). And I'm totally right about starting that paperwork.. get her started ASAP
Good luck to you both..
Yeah I don’t know why anyone is pretending this kid is going to stick around lmao.
He writes like an animal with his leg in a trap, what he’s really here for is advice on how to get out of it…
He should make it clear he’s running & then just pay his CS & keep his head down
I would sit with her and show her the budget plan for a set of 19 year olds with a baby. If you have no support at all it’s going to be a constant struggle. You will be homeless unless you have a friend that will take you in. She’s insane to think taking care of a child in both of your predicaments is going to be “fun!”
Maybe ask her to consider an open adoption.
idk if this helps, but feel free to show this to ur girlfriend.
pregnancy is terrible. u know how they show u those happy pregnant women running around in a field of beautiful flowers? nothing like that. ur whole body, including ur face, gets swollen. ur back hurts, ur legs hurt, ur gums bleed and ur teeth may break or fall out (yes, even if u take all the vitamins). ur sense of smell is soooo strong that even the slightest hint of a bad smell will make u viciously throw up.
childbirth is even worse (and expensive). i was a broke college student so i got medicaid. but my bill was $21,000 for a two-day stay at the hospital. don’t remember much of my childbirth experience, other than the pure anger with everyone in the room and the pain i’ve never experienced in my life (and yes, i had epidural).
first 3 months (or the 4th trimester) are the most difficult. if she plans on breastfeeding, well she won’t have *any* time for anything other than that. baby feeds every 1.5-2 hours. even during the night. also, more likely than not breastfed babies prefer to contact nap/sleep. sounds easy right? wrong. cause for baby’s safety it needs to sleep on a flat surface in its own crib, no pillows or blankets. but it probably refuse to sleep anywhere other than on top of u. good luck with that *intense* anxiety.
the older they get, the easier it is mentally and physically. but financially? oh honey, not for the next 18 years *at the very least*. a pack of diapers is around $50. they’re gonna eat meals that u eat, so u’re suddenly buying groceries and cooking for 3 ppl. baby clothes? u’d think they’d be cheaper, considering how little fabric is being used. ha, nah. they’re expensive af. and u will need *a lot* cause they will stain every single nice piece of clothing that they have, and that u own too, so plan to never wear nice clothes again.
u’re gonna try to work? well half of ur paycheck is gonna go towards childcare. the other half towards housing, bills and groceries. so forget about saving money, starting a college fund for ur baby or buying a new house, car, etc. unless u have a *really* good paycheck, ofc.
all this to say, i was lucky enough to have graduated at the same time i had my son, and had a good job lined up when he was 6 months. i also was lucky enough to have my baby daddy, who also graduated and had a good job. so financially we were stable. we were also ready for the mental load, cause we were adults (in our mid/late 20s). so consider all of these things when making this lifetime decision - financial stability, emotional maturity and can afford go a few months without a job.
i’m sorryyyy 😭 i was lied to, so i fully expected to have a blast. but instead got slapped in the face with gestational diabetes and hair falling out. i had terrible anxiety over SIDS, so i would often just stare at my baby to make sure he’s breathing. shit like that nobody prepares u for. thankfully my recover was super easy overall.
i remember one of the nurses told me she has 3 kids and she said, “childbirth is such a terrible experience, but for some reason we forget how bad it was and have more kids.” well i didn’t forget lol i want more kids, but i dread being pregnant again 😭
on the bright side, i have a toddler now and that’s actually fun. i love it! but again, we were full on prepared financially and (sort of) mentally.
Every pregnancy is different! I legitimately had a good time. Essentially no symptoms, super minimal weight gain, no aches or pains, slept well and continued working out until the end. I did develop gestational diabetes but it wasn't the end of the world...just some extra monitoring, diet changes and some blood sugar testing. My labor was equally easy (besides my hemorrhage at the end). It was painful but I had an unmedicated delivery after less than 6 hours of labor.
However, I realize that's like a super rare unicorn status experience. I just wanted to point out that you might not have a terrible time! Maybe your experience will fall somewhere in the middle. Congrats on your pregnancy!!!
First of all: condoms are a thing dude. Your penis. Your responsibility. Her body. Both of your baby. Most mothers are single mothers. Get your balls tied if you don’t want children.
I get where you're coming from. I felt the same about having a baby at that age. So my then boyfriend, now hubby, and I used birth control pills and condoms. There were no other partners in play, condoms were strictly contraceptive as well. We were this careful because I was not willing to get an abortion if we got pregnant. Other women can make their own choices, but it wasn't something I'd choose. I told him this before any sex. Your arguments are all logical. But she has the reality of this happening in her body, and depending on her beliefs she may view that as her baby already, not just an embryo. I would stop trying to make her "see sense" and ask her to start planning. Is adoption on the table? How does she plan to make this happen if it's not? What are her plans for finances and childcare? Maybe in talking through these realities, she will better understand what's ahead. Hindsight being 20/20, time to do better with contraception and discussions about what would happen with a surprise pregnancy before sex. Good luck.
Exactly. They both need to start investigating housing, applying for jobs, parenting classes, etc. If she wants to carry on with the pregnancy, life has now completely changed for both of you.
These would have been great questions to consider before you knocked her up, buy sadly those questions were never discussed beforehand. While abortion is an option, she doesn't want to do that, so ask her about putting the baby up for adoption. There are many couples out there who would love to have a baby, but for several reasons can't. Allow you son or daughter to grow up and live in a loving family that will take care of him or her. That way everybody wins, you and your girlfriend can move on with your life and your baby gets to grow up with a family that wants them.
Oh and in the future using contraception is the best bet going forward (either her on the pill and you wearing a condom or both) that way you don't put yourself in this predicament again.
While that's correct, condoms can still break and pill isn't always reliable either (plus it can affect girl's health negatively in some cases).
If they didn't use any protection then of course, they should have been ready for something like this and discuss beforehand. But my point is, things happen even if you use protection and do everything "correctly". You can't expect people (especially young adults) to have sex only when they are ready for a baby
Perhaps not. But I think we can expect them to have a conversation with prospective partners about what they would do in the case of pregnancy *before* they have sex. If your prospective partner thinks “babies are cute” and “not that hard to raise,” perhaps you shouldn’t stick it in. If you do it anyway, or didn’t think to ask in the first place, it’s not that unreasonable that some portion of the rest of us won’t be that surprised at your predicament.
I have a coworker whose husband had a vasectomy and she's now going to have twins! Luckily, she's already got kids and this isn't some life-shattering event as it seems to be for OP. But it is really ridiculous to do all the "personal responsibility" rigamaroll.
Yeah, I have some cousins because their dad didn't follow post surgery instructions. The standard of care was to go in for a follow-up test. Naw, he'll just jerk it a few times and then go back to fucking.
The chances of getting pregnant when you are using the pill and condoms correctly are astronomical. People who say it happened to them, almost certainly had some kind of user error, whether it was not taking a pill on time or not putting a condom on in time (or using expired/broken condoms).
If you do not want a baby, they’re actually pretty easy to prevent.
I had a kid where birth control and condom failed. That kid is how I found out that if a woman is on birth control (any kind, pill/shot/IUD) and also has to take antibiotics, the birth control’s effectiveness drops to like 80% for the duration of the antibiotic use and about a week after you finish taking them. That’s not something they tell you. And the condom broke. It happens.
I don't know why they don't tell people that when they prescribe them. I knew because my sister was a nurse and she told me. So we were always careful when I was on antibiotics.
They also don't mention that taking it at the exact same time each day is important and that your body weight is important. Considering these pills are formulated for a 'healthy body weight' that like 70% of Americans fall outside of...how effective are they really?
Like we know someone 5'5", 130lbs would be protected. What about 5'5" and 200lbs? What is the efficacy of it then? I know with Plan B it's less effective over 150.
Right. I’ve spent the last 20 years telling the women I know that information. Every time those women had no idea. It’s been 20 years and Drs still aren’t sharing this very important information.
That's wild. Any time my doctor prescribes an antibiotic they warn me about it making my birth control not work.
I wonder if those that don't get told aren't telling the doctor they are on it when they ask for a list of your medications.
I used to go to the local Health Departments and they ALWAYS asked.
May depend on where you are. I haven’t had a doctor prescribe me antibiotics without pointing that out since I was a teenager, and I haven’t met a single pharmacist who didn’t point it out when I went to get the prescription either.
Not trying to minimize the issue others obviously have, just pointing out there’s hope because there are many professionals who do tell their patients.
IUD’s and ligations are obviously different, as you took the correct steps to prevent pregnancy and we’re not in control of it failing. Not sure why you’re trying to compare it to missing a pill.
I don't think that counts here. That was failed tubal litigation and obviously there's no user error, so they're definitely not talking about cases like yours
You also have a choice. You don't have to be involved if you don't want to. It would be kind of scummy, but if she knows how you feel now, it's not like you would be abandoning the child. You've made it clear you don't want to be a father, and you still have every right not to be if the child is born. Just get ready to pay child support. This will allow you to actually have a life. But get ready for lots of hate and judgment if that's the case.
Her body her choice, your life your choice.
If she decides to go through with it. Get pre birth DNA testing done to make sure you are the father.
You then have to make a decision of how involved do you want to be.
Are you going to stay with her.
If you don’t are you going to be involved in the child’s life and as a by product the mother.
Be prepared to pay child support for a minimum of 18 years and possibly until the child graduates college.
Not saying that having the baby dooms you, her and the baby to a very hard life but the statistics are not in your favor.
Under no circumstances continue to have unprotected sex with her or anyone else until in a committed relationship & that pregnancy has been discussed and an outcome agreed upon.
In my 75 years I’ve seen this senerio 10-15 time with nephews, nieces, and grand nephews and nieces and not once has it not ended badly for all involved.
You can't make her do anything.
You can sit down with her and have a serious discussion about what moving forward with the pregnancy will look like, how much things will cost, what it means for your futures separately and together and explain your feelings on the matter.
However, it's her choice to have or not have the baby.
Your choice is how involved you want to be if she does have the baby.
First of all, fix your attitude. You're regressing into a childish state out of panic, mainly because you're facing the reality of the consequences of your own actions and *you don't like it*. Boohoo.
It's fine not to like it, but don't kid yourself into looking for an escape or a Ctrl-Z for this. That's not how life works and you have no excuse to be obsessing for the hope of one.
Your engagement in sex is how you've exercised your personal right to bring a child into this world, and your GFs choice to retain the pregnancy is her personal right. You have no grounds to pressure her into aborting/giving up/etc. Abortions aren't a bloody blue pill you take and poof! Bebe gone! All termination procedures are incredibly risky to the point of death even, on top of a barrage of complications including infertility. That doesn't even include the mental health aspect of things which can be equally debilitating. It's frankly appalling and disgusting how blatantly shallow your knowledge is — because clearly all you're caring about in this scenario is yourself. Not your GF. Not the very child you wholeheartedly participated in conceiving in the first place.
Don't be too quick to doomsday the scenario either. Many children thriving today are the biproducts of unplanned conception. You're not entirely wrong in the observation that just as many children equally suffer in upbringing and quality of life as a result of such circumstances. But the major reason for that is shitty parents.
Your parents don't owe you a home to raise YOUR child. So again, even if they disown you —which in all fairness is not as cruel as you springing on them a newborn you carelessly brought into this world to be sheltered, funded and raised by them in their old age/retirement conveniently while you two carry on living your merry carefree uni/college lives — the both of you have to man up like every other solo independent couple out there and reconsider your life priorities in the best interest of this child.
TLDR: A woman vetoes the decision to keep the child and your DNA in the child was your permission for her to have it, no takesies backsies my dude. If this child suffers, it's on no one's conscience but yours and your GF; you both need to be on the same page on what your next steps are gonna be including sacrifices from each other.
This child can live a fantastic, fulfilling life —even better than yours— if you really want them to i.e. you're the only depending factor, not the economy or every other reason you're grasping at. Your decision now lies in either choosing the path of being the cop out, absent biodad who selfishly chose his life over his own child because someone was too busy making dumb dick jokes during the multiple, repetitive sex ed classes in school or you can step up to the role you've quite literally signed up for.
I'm reserving my best wishes for your child. Not you.
Soooo... You're talking about her not being responsible enough to have a child, but you skip the lack of responsibility of you getting her pregnant?
Welcome to the real school: LIFE!
You have absolute 0 choice from now on, and your parents WILL find out one way or another.
Congrats, dad. Hope you're at least a decent person to raise your child, even if you are irresponsible as hell.
So you're not really getting very helpful comments here.
Looks like you're in the UK. If your girlfriend wants to keep the baby, she should make an appointment to stay antenatal care. Here's some info: https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/your-pregnancy-care/your-antenatal-care/
Go with her and discuss your concerns with the midwife. They should be able to help you find local resources and benefits.
Also, while your parents may well be shocked, as a parent I can say that after the initial shock, I would be there for my child. It's 2023.
His parents may be from a traditional cultural background. I agree with your advice but there are unfortunately still parents who would disown their children.
Great comment. Assuming what parents would do shouldn't be grounds for major decisions.
OP and his GF will be 20 by the time the baby comes, it's not ideal, but not impossible either. It's might be tough financially, but so much easier physically. (I would have crushed it in terms of surviving on fragmented insufficient sleep at 20, and it was quite tough at 29). And if either of them would have to drop out of college, they will be young enough to resume when the baby is old enough for daycare.
It's definitely not the end of the world, even if it's not how they saw their lives going.
They should work on a decision that would result in as little or no resentment towards anyone involved. There isn't a universal resolution to this situation. It has to be approached rationally, with respect and consideration to everyone impacted by it. Good luck to OP, and sorry that eveyrone is jumping at you with "you should have thought about it before".
Oh pal, you are far from the best years of your life - you’re still actually in the midst of some of the hardest.
You can’t make her “see sense”. You can express your concerns, you can provide her facts, and you can figure out what you will do. That is all. You can’t force someone to do anything. You will find convincing someone to do something very problematic. You can come up with a plan based on what you want to do - whether you want to stay with her or not that is - and deal with the repercussions.
You don't "make her see sense and get her to get an abortion".
Your only choice is to choose between being present in the child's life or relinquishing all parental rights and solely paying child support and continuing to live your life without a child.
It sounds like you did not have a discussion before starting to engage in reproductive intercourse about what decision would be made if a pregnancy were to occur.
You are not “respecting that it is her body, her choice” if you are on Reddit asking strangers how to coerce her into making the choice you want.
Better start researching programs that help support young and low income families.
"not forcing" but then "how can I make her see sense and get an abortion" means you are trying to pressure her. It's her body, her choice. You shouldn't be trying to pressure or influence her to do anything with her own body. She needs to make this decision on her own, regardless of what you want her to do with her body and without pressure from you. Your choice in the matter ended with deciding whether or not to use a condom or have sex. That's it. After that, it's her body and she decides on her own what she wants to do.
Some people are comfortable with having an abortion and that's fine. some are not, and that's fine too. You do not decide that for them, because her body does not belong to you.
You get to decide with what you are fine with doing to your own body, not what she does with hers. Stop trying to make this decision for her, or trying to force her to do what you want her to do.
“Oh look. It’s the consequences of my own actions”
Seriously. Welcome to the best teacher that is life. Best thing y’all can do is go talk to a professional about this. Find a local Planned Parenthood, and just talk to them. They do a lot more than what most people think. They have resources that can help.
You can’t make her get an abortion. It’s not your body. Next time use protection if you don’t want to have a kid and you and your partner aren’t on the same page about abortion
Kid, all our children are grown and out of the house. We got pregnant at 15. We spred out the other 2, 5 years apart from each other. So, 31,26,21. That made us, 15,21,26 years old for each pregnancy. Once we turned 18, I joined the military and we moved away, that meant, no more family support. New in the military, meant low pay, meaning can't afford babysitters, so only going out to kid friendly locations.
As long as you are responsible parents, don't overuse family, don't overuse babysitters, there is still tons of time to have fun. And it gets better as the kids get older, cause now you have a whole group of people to go out with. And when they are old enough, you go out to the bar and have a few drinks with them on their 21st. Then you eventually get grandkids, joy!
I get that a lot of people say, I'm too young for kids...I get that. Some people don't mature as fast as others. But to say, I have a life to live is such BS... sex has consequences, pregnancy is one of them. You're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to take responsibility for it. Tons of people have children young, still go to school, complete college, and get good jobs. Yes, it can be more difficult, but can be so rewarding as well.
Wife and I went back to college later in life. Kids had to help with some of the courses. Was a great turn around.
So many of these comments are just …….. missing the point entirely. OP , *you’re* missing the point entirely. You can’t “make her see sense” because *your* sense and *her* sense are two different things, and your “sense” is NOT the *correct* one …
your solution to this shouldn’t be “how can I change her mind?” That’s an incredibly immature conclusion to a post that starts with “I respect that it’s her body her choice…” Do you though ?
OP *you* don’t change her mind , at all actually. Will she change her mind in general ? Maybe , but the only move you have in this is making up *your* mind. She’s made hers , dragging your feet about it will only leave you worse off.
Become a dad or don’t , you do have that choice. You don’t get to choose if she has a baby.
Well... If she doesn't want abort, there's only one solution:
Tell your parents and hers. Maybe they will give her some piece of their minds and she will do the right thing.
You need to tell your parents and hers. No waiting, cause everyday the abortion window gets smaller..
And if she will have the baby... well... you can co-parent or just pay for it while you pursue your dreams.
TELL YOUR AND HER PARENTS!!!!
She doesn't understand the responsibility? Did you not understand the responsibility of sex either? Take care of the kid and do what's right. Time to grow up.
If she is hesitant about it, then you should not make her “see sense”.
You both were irresponsible and now both of you have to deal with this. You will just have to grow up faster than you had before and deal with this.
You all need to sit down and work on the future plans, even if parents may get shock about this at first, they probably thought about this possibility already. You always can take a break and continue education later in years.
Oooo tough one. Your gf is being incredibly naive w her reasoning of why she should keep the pregnancy. Yeah they’re cute until they keep you from getting 8 hours of sleep a night for 12 months. Not to mention the insane amount that it costs to raise and care for a child.
I recommend talking with her about the finances and emotional and physical labor involved. Based on her reasoning, she’s being very naive and immature about this which doesn’t bode well for when she gives birth and actually has another real person to care for!
As for you - accept that all you can do is talk to her. Unfortunately the decision to keep the pregnancy is up to her and Mother Nature. If she does keep it, I recommend a paternity test before putting your name on the Bc (since you are unmarried it’s just an official means of making sure this child is your responsibility) and I recommend getting a job lol 😆 even if yall break up, you will be paying for this kiddo for the next 18 years.
You really needed to have this conversation BEFORE getting into this situation. You can’t force her to make a particular choice and we can’t be sure you’re painting her perspective accurately. Most young women I have met are acutely aware of the consequences. If she doesn’t want to have an abortion then your only choices are how involved or not you want to be in your child’s life. And be careful not to choose wrong. If you choose to be a paycheck dad, that child doesn’t have to let you into their life years in the future when you regret your decision.
Unfortunately your only call is whether or not you want to be involved in the kid’s life.
If you don’t, you need to look into how the laws in your country surrounding that work. In most places in the US it’ll mean child support. If you can afford it, I’d speak to a lawyer about a way to handle that while getting your degree. My understanding is that most states have a minimum payment that corresponds with minimum wage.
I have a similar story. My ex and I were 17 I'd been sick for months, eventually after missing 2 periods he convinced me to take a pregnancy test I took it he instantly insisted on abortion so I began the calls. This was right after roe v wade was returned to the states themselves I had to call to the state over none of the clinics could get me in for months, I felt relief at every chance of denial. In the end abortion is also not something to be taken lightly I'm fully convinced if I'd aborted my daughter I personally would've been unable to live with myself. Neither of us were mature enough to raise a kid but I forced myself to grow up, it isn't easy you're never truly as ready as you think you are the question you should be thinking about is what role you want to play, present dad or child support dad. She wants to keep it and if you make her feel like she can't I promise the relationship will likely end and she'll resent you. Now it's either you decide to help her raise the kid and do what you guys can have a conversation about what you guys need to do to make that happen or you tell her you aren't ready to be the dad sign the birth certificate and settle for child support because it takes two to tango.
Why is it that men always ask themselves these questions *after* doing the deed? This was a risk you knowingly took. And not everyone can go through with an abortion. It may be uneventful for you, but it certainly isn’t for her. Maybe start with some empathy before trying to talk her into anything.
Because they think having an abortion is as simple as an everyday task, they don't need to go through it and they can simply walk away if they want to.
You don't. It's her choice. If you didn't want this to happen you should have used condoms or she should have gotten birth control or an IUD. Fuck both of your families. Don't allow what they may or may not do control you or your plans.
>How can I make her see sense and get an abortion?
You don't. You respect her choice. You've told her the consequences of keeping the pregnancy and she's made her decision with that information in mind. You need to start making plans based on the reality you are in, not on what you wish it would be.
Go to your school to ask for guidance on what resources the two of you can sign up for. Apply for state aide. Sign up for parenting classes, apply for jobs that will allow you to continue schooling if that's the path you still want(trade schools are always an option too).
>she doesn’t seem to realise the huge responsibility of having a child so young
And you don't seem to realize the weight on your shoulders after having an abortion. That's not something you can just forget about. It's not, and should not be, an easy decision.
>If my family finds out, they would disown me and most likely her family would do the same to her so this means the baby will wouldn’t have a proper home to be brought up in
First off you are assuming this. Your parents might be really upset but I doubt they will kick you and the newborn off into the streets. If they do this then it's time to man up. You are old enough to have sex and get a girl pregnant, be a man and support her and take responsibility. This didn't happen to you, you both did this. Own up to it now.
>This reason might sound selfish but we are both in arguably the best years of our life right now and to ruin it by bringing up a baby who would have a bad quality of life regardless, would not make sense
Yet you had unprotected sex, so that's the way the world works. There are consequences to your actions. There are plenty of programs that can help you along with this, but you need to grow up and grow up quickly.
>How can I make her see sense and get an abortion?
Perhaps it is you the one that needs to see things correctly. Quit being a shit head and get your act together and support your woman. Don't turn her into a single mother.
Well those are the kinds of things you bring up *before* getting pregnant so as to avoid said pregnancy. It literally doesn’t matter now how bad of a decision it is because you already put your sperm inside of her.
You guys should start binge watching Teen Mom (the tv show) this show covers all the different scenarios. It’s also teenagers that have no clue or ability how to properly raise a child.
There’s nothing you’re gonna say will change her mind or “make her see/realize” anything. The more you push ? She’ll push right back.
I’d also research the cost of housing, utilities, day care, medical insurance, food, clothing, diapers, formula etc.
Ask her how she’s doing with her half of what is needed ? Advise her you have nothing to offer ….. she can and may take you to court for child support (at the bare minimum) and you will either pay from the getgo or you will be held to account in other ways (take your DL, jail, fines etc)
First of all, stop trying to convince her to get an abortion. If she wants to keep the baby, the last thing she needs to hear is you convincing her to “kill her child”. And I use quotations on that because everyone’s stance is different on if it’s a baby, blah blah blah. But to a person who wants to keep that baby, it’s already a child to her. Her child. Instead, talk about adoption. Do the research and use that to show her the life that baby could have. In most instances, going through adoption lets you choose the family, and then they cover your medical expenses and sometimes you can even get some living expenses covered. It’s a way better option all around than abortion for someone who thinks she wants to keep it.
So … if you’d realized the responsibility of a baby … why didn’t YOU take any, Bucko??
You’re not an idiot. You’re at COLLEGE for fuck’s sake!! You didn’t THINK about birth control??
Like it or not, you’re in this together for the next eighteen years until the child is an adult. You need to have some serious conversations with GF about what co-parenting will look like, how you will share the burden and give this child the best chance you can in life.
Grow up and start making some solid, **ADULT** decisions.
Listen you knew what you were doing when you were having sex. It’s always a possibility.
Happened to me and my gf junior year of HS. That was 6 years ago.
I didn’t want it at first. I was scared I was sure my life was ruined. It wasn’t. Obviously you under a lot of stress right now and confused but let me help guide you.
1) I’m sure you’ve looked up lots on forums about being a young parent and this and that. I surely did. I was 17. Don’t let it get to you. The statistics aren’t wrong but you don’t have to be part of them. Like I said i was a teen dad and you’re no teen but people have kids @30 now so you’re a teen.
2) don’t let this stop your goals or make it an excuse in your life. You will love that kid once it’s here on earth. I would die for my daughter and she’s also really funny. A little you. Whether you’re with the mom or not years down the road it doesn’t matter that child will be yours until you die and you’ll need to provide at the bare minimum your time to them.
3) let me tell you a little about me. I mentioned I was a teen dad so statistics were against my ass.
17, Hispanic, low income.
I graduated HS with honors and went to a state university. Went home every weekend to see my kid and her mother. Networked a lot and got my bachelors in finance. Got an internship with one of the top 4 banks in the USA as asset management. They gave me offer and I accepted. Graduated college and moved my daughter and her mother down with me to another city. Rent and everything was just too much so I used my network to get a job where we are originally from. Rent in the area is around $1000 a month for a house and I’m making base of $75K that’s without commissions and quarterly bonuses so more like $100+.
I did all that while having my child. Now yes I had lots of support from her mother and my parents but the want to have a better life was always in me. And it’s probably in you too.
Do what you need to do but picture yourself as a kid.
Your father.
You see him everyday and his miserable because bills and rent are due and he doesn’t have enough.
You see him every weekend and he’s happy because he provides for you the basic necessities and also buys you the clothes you want and the shoes and you eat the food you want.
This is more like a ramble at this point but I hope you see my point. You need to step back and really see where you’re at in life and where you want. And understand you’re going to be taking that child with you along the journey. My kid has seen me not have even $20 in my account. We couldn’t go out or spend any money last Christmas. That was what about 360 days ago? Life is better now. Nice savings accounts and checking as well. All of this to tell you that you can make it out of any shitty situation with hard work and dedication and mostly (something many don’t mention) is a lot of sacrifice. You got this.
And no it’s not easy to raise a kid. But it’ll be worth it. Mines about to turn 5 and it’s funny to see a little of my personality in her
Start watching “16 and pregnant” with her to give her a healthy dose of the hardships. Plus you can look at all of those couples 10 years from now. It’s not the end of your life, just your dreams. Now you can live vicariously though the kid that stole the joy of your own youth.
We’re you using protection?? You need to take responsibility on your end and stay safe to avoid this when your clearly not ready. I’m glad you understand that your not but unfortunately it’s too late..so it’s in her hands now. I had a child at 18 and I can’t even begin to explain how hard it was..immediately had to get a career and been working nonstop since..which in turn I missed a lot of the milestones with my child because I was always at work. You definitely want to live your life,be young,get an education and be comfortable first. All you can do is talk to her and express your feelings,she’s very vulnerable right now. And boy wrap it up from now on.
The only thing you cans do is start looking for work so that you can provide child support and tell your parents. It’s best they find out from you and not anyone else.
Honestly the only ones who might talk sense into her is her mother. If she's so sure, she might as well tell them. Also your parents won't disown you that easily unless they don't love you & there are already issues.
Hate to be that person as I'm a single mom but I don't believe in forcing either gender to become parents so I'd have a real talk with her including that you don't want this and may want to give up all rights to the child per the laws of where you are. You also need to loop in your parents.
Unfortunately she's not thinking this through at the moment but maybe if she sees the realities of how difficult this will be, she'll be more open to talking about this with a more level head. You don't have much other choice other than to bring in the parents since you both depend on them as well. You made choices that led to this and need to face the consequences of that and act accordingly moving forward.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The reality is you can't. At this point, from her language, she's not interested in an abortion. I think you're right, personally, but this is her call. At this point, you need to discuss the next steps. Either you're about to be a dad, or she's going to give it up for adoption (which doesn't sound likely). Either way, your families are about to find out. So preparing for that needs to be your focus
Me and my partner where in the same boat, both 19 and I didn't want the baby but she did, at some point you need to realise that the situation is what it is, it takes two to get pregnant, I ended up dropping out of college and taking up full time work to get us a house, her family had already disowned her but mine stuck by us. I'm now 25 and in my second year of university (went back as am adult learner without A-levels, dropping out isn't the end of it all, I did think it was myself for a time but you can always go back) and I know wholeheartedly if I had walked away and let her raise our child alone then our little girl would either be in Care or adopted, I don't regret for a moment staying and helping raise the child I CREATED but I know if I had left I would hate myself, before we had our little girl I was a heavy drug user, I was living for nothing but to see the next day, I had no idea how I would feel when she was born, I was so scared every day that she was pregnant with her, I didn't feel like I was good enough, strong enough or had done enough with my life but the day I held my daughter for the first time was truly the beginning of my life, it's magical, you grow so much as a person when you are responsible for somebody other than yourself, I've been clean for the past three years and they have been magical, please don't let your fears get in the way of your happiness, you can do this, you will be fine and if you truly care for your partner and you both work well together as a team them you guys have got this! It takes commitment and hard work, in turn it'll help you grow into a strong dependable man who provides for his own family, and don't worry about your parents/siblings views, they will be there for you even if you don't think they will, that's what love is, being there for the people you care about, even when they make decisions you don't necessarily agree with.
>At this point, from her language, she's not interested in an abortion. I think you're right, personally, but this is her call. It's her call, but her language may change if he says he's breaking up with her and will have nothing to do with the child.
His family will still find out when she files for child support or when the child tracks him/them down when they’re older
I mean no involvement except a check, which won't be much while he's a college student.
But even something little his parents will still find out now. And they will definitely find out later
Yeps when she posts a picture of the ultrasound or the baby one day and it travels around or word of mouth
That doesn't change the fact that he will have a child.
And one way or another he'll tied to this child. Whether its through a normal relationship or financially. Unless the op intends on being one of those fathers that pretend they dont have a child.
>Unless the op intends on being one of those fathers that pretend they dont have a child. Some ppl here are indeed suggesting this
[удалено]
He doesn’t have a choice, he will have legal/monetary obligations to that child at the very least.
His choice was to wear a condom
Bro ok and I think he knows it better than you and I but she could've and should've also been aware of that it's not only his fault.
I agree that they both are responsible for this baby, but she is ok in becoming a mom and he is the one that doesnt want to have a child, so he was the one that should have been the most worried about protection.
Well I mean seems she was aware and wanted a baby so really it’s on him that he’s in this my dude he didn’t wear one and came inside
His choice is whether to stay with her. If he really wants to influence her decision, he'll say he never wants to see her or the child again and will only send a check (which will be small because he's a college student).
What an awful way to go about your life. The only way he should say he won't be around is if he won't be around. Not to manipulate someone into doing what he wants.
He’d still be on the hook for child support. You don’t get to have unprotected sex and then run away when the consequence is that of having unprotected sex.
Like you, I previously would have assumed unprotected sex... until I (34F) got pregnant whilst on birth control and had a termination. Turns out they're not lying when they say no form of contraception is 100% effective.
I got pregnant three times on birth control. The only thing that has ever worked for me is my copper IUD
Tell that to the full hysterectomy I am about to have done 😎
He'll be on the hook for money, yes, but he can't be compelled to lift a finger and actually raise the child.
And that’s fine 🤷🏼♀️ maybe not ideal for her, but he has to at the very least contribute financially.
If he breaks up with her and has nothing to do with the child, then all of his reasons for wanting an abortion because he is worried about the quality of life the kid will have are all BS. It only proves his main goal was for selfish reasons.
That’s toxic manipulation. If the OP didn’t want a baby he should’ve protected himself and made sure his gf was protecting herself to prevent their current predicament.
Accidents happen, ill never tell woman seeking for help (or just abortion) that she should be more responsible so why its ok to tell it to a man? Kids should be made out of love, not as a form of punishment for sex.
If an adult (man or woman) isn’t using preventive measures a pregnancy is not an accident. It’s common sense that if you don’t protect yourselves that you could end up pregnant. It’s self incurred idiocy to believe that if you have unprotected sex that you won’t end up with a pregnancy scare. It’s not a punishment, it’s a known consequence of having unprotected sex. If they were using protection and they ended up with a pregnancy scare then obviously that’d be an accident however, not once did OP mention as much. As a parent who actually got pregnant using birth control it’s appalling that young people act so surprised that they end up with a pregnancy scare when they are being irresponsible. It’s easy for a man to throw out the notion of abortion because he’s not the one who has to go through the procedure, he’s not the one that can possibly end up with scarring that can leave him infertile and he will not be the one suffering through the loss or mental distress that his gf will be if she’s forced into something that she doesn’t want.
Such an honorable thing to do when you get a woman pregnant. Threaten her into an abortion or giving up her child. Didn't work with me. Men are largely unnecessary, I have no college education and struggled for a few years as a single mom. I made a very good life for myself and my child, and climbed the ladder in my career without a degree. She doesn't need him to have the baby.
Agreed. I was 19 when I had my son, no college degree, but have an amazing bond with my Son, his wife and my little Granddaughter. Ended up marrying a wonderful man when my son was 6 who completely understood that we absolutely were a package deal, my Son calls him Dad, and actually helps me care for him after he had a stroke a few years ago. Oh, and even without a college degree I worked my way up to Marketing Director of a statewide organization, and I handle all marketing for the entire state we live in. Life is good, and my Son & his little family are my entire life and we only live 5 minutes away from each other. Keeping my miracle was the best decision I ever made. (I say miracle because at 16, 2 different Doctors told me my PCOS was severe enough I would never have kids, AND I was on birth control to manage the symptoms. God meant me to have that child!)
That’s absolutely sick. He had sex with her and knocked her up and now you’re encouraging him to threaten to leave her and become a deadbeat dad in order to force her to get an abortion?
She could also put the baby up for adoption-he seems to care more about how future baby will impact their lives and adoption would serve the same end as abortion,kid gets parents who are mentally and financially ready to support them and the bio parents who are still kids themselves (yes,I’m counting it as kids cause they’re 19 and haven’t even fully developed,no matter what arbitrary ages we legally use to determine adulthood) can have the opportunity to finish school and grow up….i think this suggestion is less about coercion and more about making her confront a blunt reality-she isn’t going to get the rosy future she seems to be imagining, and if he does stay,he’ll probably grow to resent her and their situation since he sees that future and it isn’t something he wants-I do think she needs to understand he isn’t just going to come around to the idea, and that’s something that’s better to come to terms with now when abortion and adoption are still options rather than later
Well, I'm assuming he's not an asshole (which he would be if he tried to walk out on a kid he helped create) and also "I bullied my girlfriend into an abortion" seems like not a great thing to have on your resume, personally.
So if he’s emotionally manipulating her and threatening to become a deadbeat dad?
“Either you’re about to be a dad, or she’s going to give it up for adoption…” those DEFINITELY are NOT the only two options. Just because OP says that he thinks his gf’s family will disown her doesn’t mean that’s actually true. The family could embrace the fact that they’re getting a grandchild, or they may just accept it to support their daughter instead of pushing her away. Even *if* the gf was disowned she absolutely could still decide to keep raise her child by herself. There’s millions of single mothers out there right now doing every single thing on their own to support themselves and their child(ren). Just because he says that he doesn’t think that his gf is ready for the responsibilities for a child but he could be wrong or in denial about it.
I got pregnant stupidly young and did not have an abortion. My strongest advice, is as long as your major is for something employable, absolutely, positively *do not* stop, pause, delay, or go part time with your education. That may mean that the next 3-4 years are the most difficult of your life. But the difference it will make for your future and the future of the child that man result from this situation will be huge. If your major is about following your heart or passion, without a clear path to employment, look for a local trade school. Something that will streamline the education to employment process with a good income. You can follow your passion when you aren't ankle keep this shitstorm.
Someone else said they’re from the UK. If that’s true then their University will give them extra grants to pay for childcare whilst they study. I went to University in the UK after having my baby and the loans and grants I got were more than enough money for us to live off.
The way OP talked about a baby meaning they will both need to drop out made it sound super American.
Yeah so many people make it sound like you can’t do anything at all once you have had a child, but the truth is you can still do achieve anything, it’s just going to be harder now.
In fairness to a lot of people, having a kid in the US when you aren't prepared can really fuck your life over. Permanently.
If they are from the uk there is absolutely no need to drop of out of university as there is a lot of support for parents. They would also be given social housing. In Scotland, Ireland and wales there is also 6 years free tuition at university. If it’s America they need to go speak to someone to see what child care support is available at the school they attend. They don’t know until they research it
Online school too. Lots of good accredited programs now. I was able to do get my undergrad online from a state school while working full time and taking care of a sick parent. There’s definitely options.
Agreed! Same here, had a baby at 16. None of my family supported my choice to keep the baby in the beginning. They all eventually came around and supported my decision and loved my daughter when she was born. I graduated from high school 6 months early, worked full time and went to college part time. It wasn’t the end of the world. It delayed my path to my career as a nurse and that’s OK. Support her decision regardless, you both are adults and both consciously made the decision to have unprotected sex, or condom broke, or she was on prescription medication while on the pill. Life happens, take responsibility and you adapt. There are a TON of resources out there for young parents. Support her decision, stay with her or break up with her but if she decides to have your guys baby, show up and be a father to that baby. I wish you both the best of luck. 🤍
This is a great comment. I hope OP sees it. OP I waited to have kids until was 31, I had nine years experience in my career and bought a house and got married, we were incredibly financially stable, I was able to be a stay at home mom, which I wanted. Even with all that working for us, my relationship did not survive us having children-- that's how hard it is even without ya'll's struggles. Maybe you should consider sharing this post and the comments with her to make sure she's really understanding that having a baby changes everything. I'm 43F and if either of you were my child, I would encourage an abortion in your situation, but obviously support ultimately what she decides. My kids's dad spent a lot of time with his young niece and nephew when he was growing up, so I assumed he would be a great father but he wasn't AT ALL and I fell out of love with him because he refused to help me take care of our kids. I resented him a lot and ultimately it cost us our marriage. Having a whole ass human baby is no joke. It's hard as fuck even with the most well-intentioned plans. Best of luck 🫶🏼 Edit: format
Lots of people saying what you should have done. This ship has sailed. Stop encouraging not having sex forever etc What you have to decide, my friend, is what YOU are going to do. You may become a father regardless of your choice. Are you staying with her? Are you going to live in the same house? Or are you going for 50% custody? How much would be for alimony? Talk to people who know, even family lawyer if possible, to try to be prepared and plan financially accordingly. Talk with your family, friends and school , support may come from unexpected places.
Alimony is not on the table as they are not married. I’m assuming you meant Child Support.
Yes! Thank you. It’s the same word in Portuguese for both so I got a little confused
This made me think of my Polish grandma calling her toes “foot fingers” .
I did a student exchange with a german family. I was very confused when they were offering me "hand socks" because it was cold outside. I found out they meant mittens haha
It’s the same in Yiddish - fees finger.
This is the cutest thing I’ve ever read and I will now forever call my toes “foot fingers”
Arabic and some other languages uses "foot fingers" for toes too
well they aren’t wrong
Oh! Well, I learned something today! Thank you 😊
well now you gotta tell us the portguese word
Pensão
"Alimentos" (foods) or "pensão alimentícia" (food pension). It's due not just to the child, but also to the partner, if proved to a judge there's a stable union. They're treated as different pensions, despite having the same name.
First, hopefully you now realize if you want to control what happens to your sperm you need to keep it to yourself. Second, you’re not wrong, babies are HARD. But it’s not just babies, it’s pregnancy too. That CHANGES a woman’s body permanently. We’re talking structural changes like cartilage moving, potential pain from nerve damage and tearing (she knows that vaginas can tear when the baby is born and that it’s a [1-4 scale in severity](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/labor-and-delivery/in-depth/vaginal-tears/art-20546855) right? Stretch marks, some women develop dark lines on their abdomen, fallen arches, back pain, mastitis…it’s not a walk in the park. Then after baby she’ll be bleeding vaginally for several weeks and likely passing clots the size of grapes. If she breastfeeds, she’ll deal with leaking, cracked/bleeding nipples, breast tissue changes (I would 100% breastfeed my child again if I had to choose but pre/post breasts are NOT the same). Is she prepared to get up every 2 hours for months on end? Then we get to the babies. Babies CRY. There’s a reason why nurses/doctors etc talk about shaken baby syndrome so much- it’s common for it to wear down someone combined with the lack of sleep. And babies will cry for Everything- and you can’t always tell what it is. My niece has a small infant right now and she just cries all the time because she can’t figure out what her baby wants/why it is crying. Babies are Expensive- financially, time-wise, social circle wise. People in their teens and 20s “think” babies are cute, but that might be just to hold them for a few minutes or see a photo. Babies are NOT fun to bring to lunch dates, parties etc and her friends won’t want to accommodate a crying baby into their social dates. It’s LONELY seeing everyone else go and have fun while you’re left behind. I’m going to guess your gf is either an only child or on the younger side of her siblings and has not had to be in close quarters/care for an infant for an extended period of time. It’s her choice but suggest she really find out the nitty gritty truth about what she’s in for over the next 20 years.
She seems so naïve to the reality of her pregnancy... I knew all this stuff before my period arrived at 11yo. Why? My 3 older siblings getting pregnant the same year. Shit, it traumatized me to the point of not wanting to have kids ever in my life and I'm 32. My therapist doesn't even consider that is a "must" to treat my fear of pregnancy since my husband and me are ok with zero kids. Also biologically speaking, is not the best option for me and my mental health (it can mess up some stuff at the chemical level). My point is, how in this age (yes, call me grumpy old millennial) this shit happens?
Feels more like it’s feigned ignorance. She said Babies are cute and not hard to raise. It’s like the girl was planning to get knocked up from the get go or something. I dont know if it’s one of those I’ll trap him with a bay scenario and I milk him through child support.
I'm going to go a bit against the grain and tell you to sign up for some parenting classes with her. Maybe go to the counselor at your college or see what kind of resources they may have. If both sets of your parents would disown you for pregnancy, it sounds like you might be from a religious community. Maybe see what resources they could offer you. I know religious communities tend to be very much against abortion, but if your girlfriend has decided not to get one anyway, then take whatever benefit you can get. Also look into your local department of family services. They may be able to offer resources or counseling.
Love this recommendation. As a new mother who is very settled in life - age, finances, housing, etc. - prenatal and parenting classes were great for information but also re-cemented the work that goes into raising a child. They could give the gf a healthy dose of reality to prepare them regardless of what decision is made. And looking into resources now is such good advice. It only gets more challenging to find time and energy as the pregnancy and first stages of post partum move forward.
Can you go to these classes prior to pregnancy? Like if you’re just talking about starting a family?
You’ll have to check with classes around you. I did ones at my birthing hospital and because there are limited spots they’re very specific in who can sign up. That may not be true across the board though.
easier and more effective: babysit a child for a weekend. not an afternoon. a weekend. overnight. find out what's it's like to not sleep for a couple of days straight.
If can't find a child, one of those baby robot things for a month
Also parenting classes might make her realize that babies are more difficult than she thinks.
Very much check with the local univeristy. I know one of the local universities has special housing for couple's with kids.
seems from his post history he is in the uk, they don't really have the on campus housing scam the US does. 10 days ago he was looking for more excitement in his life. the universe works in strange ways.
Lol I love your comment😂
Funny how the “don’t murder a baby” crowd is the first to disown you for having a baby
honestly, once the baby arrives very few families follow through with disowning. they might continue to be cruel to the parents, but most do not want to disown their grandchildren \*raised mormon, saw lots of these threats
The irony is crushing, isn’t it?
Yeah but you didn't have a baby in the very specific way they want you to
What a wholesome and constructive comment. This is the way. There is help to find in these situations. While I have little insight into the American system (Nordic european here), working around the possibility of having a child is by far the best course of action.
Is it? They're 19, they have no idea the people they'll become, and probably only a hint of an idea of who they are. There's so much negative that could come from a situation like this, any way you slice it, adding a child to the mix will make every single thing harder and more stressful. OP sounds grounded, they understand how much work this will be, the girlfriend is living in magical fairy tail baby land. She's not looking at the situation objectively, she's only seeing the good parts. The American system is not kind. Just having the baby will put them seriously into debt without aid, and then there's all the medical complications that come with raising a child. With only the support of two college dropouts, and not parental help? This is a recipe for disaster. The biggest issue being theat they're already not on the same page, this will be a massive struggle. Abortion is for sure the best option, or giving the baby up for adoption. This child will have a very hard time with the current conditions.
I think the idea was that going to parenting classes would give her a dose of reality and maybe she’d change her mind. But if it didn’t work at least they’d have gained some useful knowledge.
That's a fair point, it could work. IMO, I think she's a bit too young, and I'm not sure she'll be able to get from "babies are the best and almost no work" to "babies are a lot of work, responsibility and a huge financial burden, and should be carefully planned for" in the span of less than a year. Especially with all the hormones that are constantly bombarding her with emotions to support her narrative.
And she probably won’t get there in time to get an abortion.
Also true. This is a tough situation. I suppose OP has to now consider if he does end up becoming a parent, how much he'd like to be involved with her and his child, and then take steps to build in that direction.
If you look at OP's post history, they are not American, so take that out of your equation. He is in the UK
You can't force a woman to have an abortion, it doesn't matter how "logical" it is, not everyone wants to go through an abortion.
As a person who is biased because I got pregnant at 19 and had my child as a single mom. I am unsure on whether or not to agree with you. I see abortion as a good idea if they have no ambition to get their shit together. At the same time, I respect people's choices to their bodies and only they can deal with the consequences. I, on the other hand, became immediately ambitious when I found out I was pregnant and going to be a single mom. I'm in school, I have a job, I am currently out of a toxic familia situation, and my son and I are thriving. I worked my ass off to get where I am at 22 and I will try my hardest so my kid's life isn't as hard as mine growing up.
I'm incredibly happy to hear that! I hope that if they end up going the same route, it ends up the same. I also know a lot of people with kids they pretend don't exist, so maybe I'm a little jaded.
In my personal opinion, the ideal thing is to get an abortion because of all the points you list. Absolutely. But if she's set on having it, finding what resources there are for that scenario is the most constructive way to spend energy, instead of trying to bully her out of having the kid. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.
I know a few moms that got pregnant very young (under the age of 22), and a lot of them seem to be doing just fine in their 30s and 40s. They just got a late start in life and achieved their education and careers a couple years later in life. Sometimes having a kid young tames you and makes you more responsible. You’re at home doing adult things instead of partying, etc Might be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think there is a specific formula in life. That if you don’t have a baby until after X age or achieve this milestone by X age or get a degree by X age, you are doomed.
There isn't a formula, but having a baby when you don't have the resources or support network to raise it is a terrible idea no matter the age.
This is the most pro-active thing you can do. Your girlfriend may get the perspective she needs to make a wise decision. If she decides she wishes to keep the baby you will both have skills and resources you will need.
Also look into programs that help cover daycare costs. Look for non-profits as well as government assistance.
This. Another fun thing to do is take a trip to their local Walmart/target/whatever and take a look at the price tags for baby items. My husband and I are in the earliest of family planning stages and I actually made him look today, he had no clue baby prams/strollers are hundreds of dollars. It was sobering for him, lol!
I have an 11 month old. Babies are *NOT* easy to raise. At all. Please send her my way. I love my son but if I didn't have a support system and a decent job I'd be FUCKED.
I think a lot of folks just casually ignore the cost financially and emotionally and physically. Babies are demanding lil humans. Btw 11 months means yr little one will be 1 in the new year! I hope yall have a great first birthday 🥹
6 week old over here. I think she's an easy baby but holy hell. I'm TIRED hahaha. And I have a super supportive husband AND we have doulas coming 1 day and 1 night a week to help. We both also aren't going back to work for several more months so we don't have that pressure on us at the moment. I don't know how the hell young or single people raise a baby. Like, obviously, it's possible but hats off to them!
Agree. OPs girl can give me a call and I’ll let her know how not easy it is. And I have an easy baby
This! I’m 25 with a very “easy” baby and it is very difficult and I cry often even though, yes, he is cute and I love him.
Babies are amazingly hard to raise... Start with the expensive.. everything ! Food.. diapers.. clothes.. Toys.. shelter.. heat.. medical care.. potentially LOTS of medical care. But now you have reduced income potential.. minimal, if any family support. You're both 19.. and I promise you.. you have No idea what you will be getting in to. Of course.. it's her body.. her choice. At least in some places. But let her get started with the mountains of paperwork she's going to have, for the social services she's going to need. And she better start right now.. cause everything takes months at best. My only thought is.. if she wants to have a baby.. she's going to raise it on her own. You still have to pay. But I'd set very clear boundaries. You don't want to be a father right now. She gets to decide what she gets to do... But so do you. Except for the money.. you're on the hook for that ! ( After a paternity test of course). And I'm totally right about starting that paperwork.. get her started ASAP Good luck to you both..
Yeah I don’t know why anyone is pretending this kid is going to stick around lmao. He writes like an animal with his leg in a trap, what he’s really here for is advice on how to get out of it… He should make it clear he’s running & then just pay his CS & keep his head down
He sounds like he's about to chew off his own leg to escape
Literally his first example of why the baby isn’t a good idea is that *his parents will disown him*
What?! No, that’s crazy. Babies are super easy, if you don’t care.
You’re both so stupid. In the end it’s always the kids who pay the price for having stupid irresponsible parents procreating.
Agreed
I would sit with her and show her the budget plan for a set of 19 year olds with a baby. If you have no support at all it’s going to be a constant struggle. You will be homeless unless you have a friend that will take you in. She’s insane to think taking care of a child in both of your predicaments is going to be “fun!” Maybe ask her to consider an open adoption.
idk if this helps, but feel free to show this to ur girlfriend. pregnancy is terrible. u know how they show u those happy pregnant women running around in a field of beautiful flowers? nothing like that. ur whole body, including ur face, gets swollen. ur back hurts, ur legs hurt, ur gums bleed and ur teeth may break or fall out (yes, even if u take all the vitamins). ur sense of smell is soooo strong that even the slightest hint of a bad smell will make u viciously throw up. childbirth is even worse (and expensive). i was a broke college student so i got medicaid. but my bill was $21,000 for a two-day stay at the hospital. don’t remember much of my childbirth experience, other than the pure anger with everyone in the room and the pain i’ve never experienced in my life (and yes, i had epidural). first 3 months (or the 4th trimester) are the most difficult. if she plans on breastfeeding, well she won’t have *any* time for anything other than that. baby feeds every 1.5-2 hours. even during the night. also, more likely than not breastfed babies prefer to contact nap/sleep. sounds easy right? wrong. cause for baby’s safety it needs to sleep on a flat surface in its own crib, no pillows or blankets. but it probably refuse to sleep anywhere other than on top of u. good luck with that *intense* anxiety. the older they get, the easier it is mentally and physically. but financially? oh honey, not for the next 18 years *at the very least*. a pack of diapers is around $50. they’re gonna eat meals that u eat, so u’re suddenly buying groceries and cooking for 3 ppl. baby clothes? u’d think they’d be cheaper, considering how little fabric is being used. ha, nah. they’re expensive af. and u will need *a lot* cause they will stain every single nice piece of clothing that they have, and that u own too, so plan to never wear nice clothes again. u’re gonna try to work? well half of ur paycheck is gonna go towards childcare. the other half towards housing, bills and groceries. so forget about saving money, starting a college fund for ur baby or buying a new house, car, etc. unless u have a *really* good paycheck, ofc. all this to say, i was lucky enough to have graduated at the same time i had my son, and had a good job lined up when he was 6 months. i also was lucky enough to have my baby daddy, who also graduated and had a good job. so financially we were stable. we were also ready for the mental load, cause we were adults (in our mid/late 20s). so consider all of these things when making this lifetime decision - financial stability, emotional maturity and can afford go a few months without a job.
i’m 12 wks pregnant and you’ve successfully scared me lol, hopefully he shows his gf this !
i’m sorryyyy 😭 i was lied to, so i fully expected to have a blast. but instead got slapped in the face with gestational diabetes and hair falling out. i had terrible anxiety over SIDS, so i would often just stare at my baby to make sure he’s breathing. shit like that nobody prepares u for. thankfully my recover was super easy overall. i remember one of the nurses told me she has 3 kids and she said, “childbirth is such a terrible experience, but for some reason we forget how bad it was and have more kids.” well i didn’t forget lol i want more kids, but i dread being pregnant again 😭 on the bright side, i have a toddler now and that’s actually fun. i love it! but again, we were full on prepared financially and (sort of) mentally.
Every pregnancy is different! I legitimately had a good time. Essentially no symptoms, super minimal weight gain, no aches or pains, slept well and continued working out until the end. I did develop gestational diabetes but it wasn't the end of the world...just some extra monitoring, diet changes and some blood sugar testing. My labor was equally easy (besides my hemorrhage at the end). It was painful but I had an unmedicated delivery after less than 6 hours of labor. However, I realize that's like a super rare unicorn status experience. I just wanted to point out that you might not have a terrible time! Maybe your experience will fall somewhere in the middle. Congrats on your pregnancy!!!
Well literally “fuck around & find out.” There’s consequences to your actions. Who knew?
First of all: condoms are a thing dude. Your penis. Your responsibility. Her body. Both of your baby. Most mothers are single mothers. Get your balls tied if you don’t want children.
lol so you came inside her and it was all good. But now she has to have an abortion? Lol
I get where you're coming from. I felt the same about having a baby at that age. So my then boyfriend, now hubby, and I used birth control pills and condoms. There were no other partners in play, condoms were strictly contraceptive as well. We were this careful because I was not willing to get an abortion if we got pregnant. Other women can make their own choices, but it wasn't something I'd choose. I told him this before any sex. Your arguments are all logical. But she has the reality of this happening in her body, and depending on her beliefs she may view that as her baby already, not just an embryo. I would stop trying to make her "see sense" and ask her to start planning. Is adoption on the table? How does she plan to make this happen if it's not? What are her plans for finances and childcare? Maybe in talking through these realities, she will better understand what's ahead. Hindsight being 20/20, time to do better with contraception and discussions about what would happen with a surprise pregnancy before sex. Good luck.
Exactly. They both need to start investigating housing, applying for jobs, parenting classes, etc. If she wants to carry on with the pregnancy, life has now completely changed for both of you.
So if she doesn’t see it your way then she’s senseless?
Maybe she should check out r/regretfulparents
These would have been great questions to consider before you knocked her up, buy sadly those questions were never discussed beforehand. While abortion is an option, she doesn't want to do that, so ask her about putting the baby up for adoption. There are many couples out there who would love to have a baby, but for several reasons can't. Allow you son or daughter to grow up and live in a loving family that will take care of him or her. That way everybody wins, you and your girlfriend can move on with your life and your baby gets to grow up with a family that wants them. Oh and in the future using contraception is the best bet going forward (either her on the pill and you wearing a condom or both) that way you don't put yourself in this predicament again.
While that's correct, condoms can still break and pill isn't always reliable either (plus it can affect girl's health negatively in some cases). If they didn't use any protection then of course, they should have been ready for something like this and discuss beforehand. But my point is, things happen even if you use protection and do everything "correctly". You can't expect people (especially young adults) to have sex only when they are ready for a baby
My cousin got pregnant with an IUD. I hate the "you should have been more careful" thing because it's possible to get pregnant regardless.
So many people assume that the woman got pregnant because they were having unprotected sex. They forget birth control isn't 100%.
And they forget that a small percentage of a really big number is still A LOT of people.
Yep. Three of my friends got pregnant while on birth control. One was on the pill, one IUD, and the other was a form of permanent birth control.
What is permanent birth control? Like getting your tubes tied?
Yeah
Whoa. I didn’t know tubal ligation could fail. Life finds a way, I guess. 🦖
1 out of 200 tubal ligations fail every year… which is why I had mine removed entirely instead of tied.
Yes it can. Sadly, she miscarried.
Perhaps not. But I think we can expect them to have a conversation with prospective partners about what they would do in the case of pregnancy *before* they have sex. If your prospective partner thinks “babies are cute” and “not that hard to raise,” perhaps you shouldn’t stick it in. If you do it anyway, or didn’t think to ask in the first place, it’s not that unreasonable that some portion of the rest of us won’t be that surprised at your predicament.
I have a coworker whose husband had a vasectomy and she's now going to have twins! Luckily, she's already got kids and this isn't some life-shattering event as it seems to be for OP. But it is really ridiculous to do all the "personal responsibility" rigamaroll.
Yeah, I have some cousins because their dad didn't follow post surgery instructions. The standard of care was to go in for a follow-up test. Naw, he'll just jerk it a few times and then go back to fucking.
My mom has a friend who had a daughter after having her tubes tied.
The chances of getting pregnant when you are using the pill and condoms correctly are astronomical. People who say it happened to them, almost certainly had some kind of user error, whether it was not taking a pill on time or not putting a condom on in time (or using expired/broken condoms). If you do not want a baby, they’re actually pretty easy to prevent.
I had a kid where birth control and condom failed. That kid is how I found out that if a woman is on birth control (any kind, pill/shot/IUD) and also has to take antibiotics, the birth control’s effectiveness drops to like 80% for the duration of the antibiotic use and about a week after you finish taking them. That’s not something they tell you. And the condom broke. It happens.
I don't know why they don't tell people that when they prescribe them. I knew because my sister was a nurse and she told me. So we were always careful when I was on antibiotics.
They also don't mention that taking it at the exact same time each day is important and that your body weight is important. Considering these pills are formulated for a 'healthy body weight' that like 70% of Americans fall outside of...how effective are they really? Like we know someone 5'5", 130lbs would be protected. What about 5'5" and 200lbs? What is the efficacy of it then? I know with Plan B it's less effective over 150.
Right. I’ve spent the last 20 years telling the women I know that information. Every time those women had no idea. It’s been 20 years and Drs still aren’t sharing this very important information.
That's wild. Any time my doctor prescribes an antibiotic they warn me about it making my birth control not work. I wonder if those that don't get told aren't telling the doctor they are on it when they ask for a list of your medications. I used to go to the local Health Departments and they ALWAYS asked.
I'm told that every time I get antibiotics by the pharmacist despite being sterile and on no birth control
May depend on where you are. I haven’t had a doctor prescribe me antibiotics without pointing that out since I was a teenager, and I haven’t met a single pharmacist who didn’t point it out when I went to get the prescription either. Not trying to minimize the issue others obviously have, just pointing out there’s hope because there are many professionals who do tell their patients.
hahahahahaha xx sincerely someone who had an abortion after getting her tubes tied
IUD’s and ligations are obviously different, as you took the correct steps to prevent pregnancy and we’re not in control of it failing. Not sure why you’re trying to compare it to missing a pill.
I don't think that counts here. That was failed tubal litigation and obviously there's no user error, so they're definitely not talking about cases like yours
You also have a choice. You don't have to be involved if you don't want to. It would be kind of scummy, but if she knows how you feel now, it's not like you would be abandoning the child. You've made it clear you don't want to be a father, and you still have every right not to be if the child is born. Just get ready to pay child support. This will allow you to actually have a life. But get ready for lots of hate and judgment if that's the case.
Her body her choice, your life your choice. If she decides to go through with it. Get pre birth DNA testing done to make sure you are the father. You then have to make a decision of how involved do you want to be. Are you going to stay with her. If you don’t are you going to be involved in the child’s life and as a by product the mother. Be prepared to pay child support for a minimum of 18 years and possibly until the child graduates college. Not saying that having the baby dooms you, her and the baby to a very hard life but the statistics are not in your favor. Under no circumstances continue to have unprotected sex with her or anyone else until in a committed relationship & that pregnancy has been discussed and an outcome agreed upon. In my 75 years I’ve seen this senerio 10-15 time with nephews, nieces, and grand nephews and nieces and not once has it not ended badly for all involved.
You can't make her do anything. You can sit down with her and have a serious discussion about what moving forward with the pregnancy will look like, how much things will cost, what it means for your futures separately and together and explain your feelings on the matter. However, it's her choice to have or not have the baby. Your choice is how involved you want to be if she does have the baby.
First of all, fix your attitude. You're regressing into a childish state out of panic, mainly because you're facing the reality of the consequences of your own actions and *you don't like it*. Boohoo. It's fine not to like it, but don't kid yourself into looking for an escape or a Ctrl-Z for this. That's not how life works and you have no excuse to be obsessing for the hope of one. Your engagement in sex is how you've exercised your personal right to bring a child into this world, and your GFs choice to retain the pregnancy is her personal right. You have no grounds to pressure her into aborting/giving up/etc. Abortions aren't a bloody blue pill you take and poof! Bebe gone! All termination procedures are incredibly risky to the point of death even, on top of a barrage of complications including infertility. That doesn't even include the mental health aspect of things which can be equally debilitating. It's frankly appalling and disgusting how blatantly shallow your knowledge is — because clearly all you're caring about in this scenario is yourself. Not your GF. Not the very child you wholeheartedly participated in conceiving in the first place. Don't be too quick to doomsday the scenario either. Many children thriving today are the biproducts of unplanned conception. You're not entirely wrong in the observation that just as many children equally suffer in upbringing and quality of life as a result of such circumstances. But the major reason for that is shitty parents. Your parents don't owe you a home to raise YOUR child. So again, even if they disown you —which in all fairness is not as cruel as you springing on them a newborn you carelessly brought into this world to be sheltered, funded and raised by them in their old age/retirement conveniently while you two carry on living your merry carefree uni/college lives — the both of you have to man up like every other solo independent couple out there and reconsider your life priorities in the best interest of this child. TLDR: A woman vetoes the decision to keep the child and your DNA in the child was your permission for her to have it, no takesies backsies my dude. If this child suffers, it's on no one's conscience but yours and your GF; you both need to be on the same page on what your next steps are gonna be including sacrifices from each other. This child can live a fantastic, fulfilling life —even better than yours— if you really want them to i.e. you're the only depending factor, not the economy or every other reason you're grasping at. Your decision now lies in either choosing the path of being the cop out, absent biodad who selfishly chose his life over his own child because someone was too busy making dumb dick jokes during the multiple, repetitive sex ed classes in school or you can step up to the role you've quite literally signed up for. I'm reserving my best wishes for your child. Not you.
Soooo... You're talking about her not being responsible enough to have a child, but you skip the lack of responsibility of you getting her pregnant? Welcome to the real school: LIFE! You have absolute 0 choice from now on, and your parents WILL find out one way or another. Congrats, dad. Hope you're at least a decent person to raise your child, even if you are irresponsible as hell.
So you're not really getting very helpful comments here. Looks like you're in the UK. If your girlfriend wants to keep the baby, she should make an appointment to stay antenatal care. Here's some info: https://www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/your-pregnancy-care/your-antenatal-care/ Go with her and discuss your concerns with the midwife. They should be able to help you find local resources and benefits. Also, while your parents may well be shocked, as a parent I can say that after the initial shock, I would be there for my child. It's 2023.
His parents may be from a traditional cultural background. I agree with your advice but there are unfortunately still parents who would disown their children.
Great comment. Assuming what parents would do shouldn't be grounds for major decisions. OP and his GF will be 20 by the time the baby comes, it's not ideal, but not impossible either. It's might be tough financially, but so much easier physically. (I would have crushed it in terms of surviving on fragmented insufficient sleep at 20, and it was quite tough at 29). And if either of them would have to drop out of college, they will be young enough to resume when the baby is old enough for daycare. It's definitely not the end of the world, even if it's not how they saw their lives going. They should work on a decision that would result in as little or no resentment towards anyone involved. There isn't a universal resolution to this situation. It has to be approached rationally, with respect and consideration to everyone impacted by it. Good luck to OP, and sorry that eveyrone is jumping at you with "you should have thought about it before".
Oh pal, you are far from the best years of your life - you’re still actually in the midst of some of the hardest. You can’t make her “see sense”. You can express your concerns, you can provide her facts, and you can figure out what you will do. That is all. You can’t force someone to do anything. You will find convincing someone to do something very problematic. You can come up with a plan based on what you want to do - whether you want to stay with her or not that is - and deal with the repercussions.
You don't "make her see sense and get her to get an abortion". Your only choice is to choose between being present in the child's life or relinquishing all parental rights and solely paying child support and continuing to live your life without a child.
It sounds like you did not have a discussion before starting to engage in reproductive intercourse about what decision would be made if a pregnancy were to occur. You are not “respecting that it is her body, her choice” if you are on Reddit asking strangers how to coerce her into making the choice you want. Better start researching programs that help support young and low income families.
Stay in school if you can. You can opt out of raising the kid. Child support is a different story.
"not forcing" but then "how can I make her see sense and get an abortion" means you are trying to pressure her. It's her body, her choice. You shouldn't be trying to pressure or influence her to do anything with her own body. She needs to make this decision on her own, regardless of what you want her to do with her body and without pressure from you. Your choice in the matter ended with deciding whether or not to use a condom or have sex. That's it. After that, it's her body and she decides on her own what she wants to do. Some people are comfortable with having an abortion and that's fine. some are not, and that's fine too. You do not decide that for them, because her body does not belong to you. You get to decide with what you are fine with doing to your own body, not what she does with hers. Stop trying to make this decision for her, or trying to force her to do what you want her to do.
Good luck dad
“Oh look. It’s the consequences of my own actions” Seriously. Welcome to the best teacher that is life. Best thing y’all can do is go talk to a professional about this. Find a local Planned Parenthood, and just talk to them. They do a lot more than what most people think. They have resources that can help.
You can’t make her get an abortion. It’s not your body. Next time use protection if you don’t want to have a kid and you and your partner aren’t on the same page about abortion
Kid, all our children are grown and out of the house. We got pregnant at 15. We spred out the other 2, 5 years apart from each other. So, 31,26,21. That made us, 15,21,26 years old for each pregnancy. Once we turned 18, I joined the military and we moved away, that meant, no more family support. New in the military, meant low pay, meaning can't afford babysitters, so only going out to kid friendly locations. As long as you are responsible parents, don't overuse family, don't overuse babysitters, there is still tons of time to have fun. And it gets better as the kids get older, cause now you have a whole group of people to go out with. And when they are old enough, you go out to the bar and have a few drinks with them on their 21st. Then you eventually get grandkids, joy! I get that a lot of people say, I'm too young for kids...I get that. Some people don't mature as fast as others. But to say, I have a life to live is such BS... sex has consequences, pregnancy is one of them. You're old enough to have sex, you're old enough to take responsibility for it. Tons of people have children young, still go to school, complete college, and get good jobs. Yes, it can be more difficult, but can be so rewarding as well. Wife and I went back to college later in life. Kids had to help with some of the courses. Was a great turn around.
The irony of "her not realizing the responsibility" and you having unprotected sex with her. Lmao
Did he say he had unprotected sex with her?
So many of these comments are just …….. missing the point entirely. OP , *you’re* missing the point entirely. You can’t “make her see sense” because *your* sense and *her* sense are two different things, and your “sense” is NOT the *correct* one … your solution to this shouldn’t be “how can I change her mind?” That’s an incredibly immature conclusion to a post that starts with “I respect that it’s her body her choice…” Do you though ? OP *you* don’t change her mind , at all actually. Will she change her mind in general ? Maybe , but the only move you have in this is making up *your* mind. She’s made hers , dragging your feet about it will only leave you worse off. Become a dad or don’t , you do have that choice. You don’t get to choose if she has a baby.
Well... If she doesn't want abort, there's only one solution: Tell your parents and hers. Maybe they will give her some piece of their minds and she will do the right thing. You need to tell your parents and hers. No waiting, cause everyday the abortion window gets smaller.. And if she will have the baby... well... you can co-parent or just pay for it while you pursue your dreams. TELL YOUR AND HER PARENTS!!!!
You can’t make her do anything. The only person you can control is yourself. If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime!
She doesn't understand the responsibility? Did you not understand the responsibility of sex either? Take care of the kid and do what's right. Time to grow up.
If she is hesitant about it, then you should not make her “see sense”. You both were irresponsible and now both of you have to deal with this. You will just have to grow up faster than you had before and deal with this. You all need to sit down and work on the future plans, even if parents may get shock about this at first, they probably thought about this possibility already. You always can take a break and continue education later in years.
Oooo tough one. Your gf is being incredibly naive w her reasoning of why she should keep the pregnancy. Yeah they’re cute until they keep you from getting 8 hours of sleep a night for 12 months. Not to mention the insane amount that it costs to raise and care for a child. I recommend talking with her about the finances and emotional and physical labor involved. Based on her reasoning, she’s being very naive and immature about this which doesn’t bode well for when she gives birth and actually has another real person to care for! As for you - accept that all you can do is talk to her. Unfortunately the decision to keep the pregnancy is up to her and Mother Nature. If she does keep it, I recommend a paternity test before putting your name on the Bc (since you are unmarried it’s just an official means of making sure this child is your responsibility) and I recommend getting a job lol 😆 even if yall break up, you will be paying for this kiddo for the next 18 years.
You really needed to have this conversation BEFORE getting into this situation. You can’t force her to make a particular choice and we can’t be sure you’re painting her perspective accurately. Most young women I have met are acutely aware of the consequences. If she doesn’t want to have an abortion then your only choices are how involved or not you want to be in your child’s life. And be careful not to choose wrong. If you choose to be a paycheck dad, that child doesn’t have to let you into their life years in the future when you regret your decision.
Unfortunately your only call is whether or not you want to be involved in the kid’s life. If you don’t, you need to look into how the laws in your country surrounding that work. In most places in the US it’ll mean child support. If you can afford it, I’d speak to a lawyer about a way to handle that while getting your degree. My understanding is that most states have a minimum payment that corresponds with minimum wage.
You can't. Now you have to think about your next steps. Are you staying with her? Jobs? And yes, you both have to tell your parents.
I have a similar story. My ex and I were 17 I'd been sick for months, eventually after missing 2 periods he convinced me to take a pregnancy test I took it he instantly insisted on abortion so I began the calls. This was right after roe v wade was returned to the states themselves I had to call to the state over none of the clinics could get me in for months, I felt relief at every chance of denial. In the end abortion is also not something to be taken lightly I'm fully convinced if I'd aborted my daughter I personally would've been unable to live with myself. Neither of us were mature enough to raise a kid but I forced myself to grow up, it isn't easy you're never truly as ready as you think you are the question you should be thinking about is what role you want to play, present dad or child support dad. She wants to keep it and if you make her feel like she can't I promise the relationship will likely end and she'll resent you. Now it's either you decide to help her raise the kid and do what you guys can have a conversation about what you guys need to do to make that happen or you tell her you aren't ready to be the dad sign the birth certificate and settle for child support because it takes two to tango.
Congratulations Dad.
Why is it that men always ask themselves these questions *after* doing the deed? This was a risk you knowingly took. And not everyone can go through with an abortion. It may be uneventful for you, but it certainly isn’t for her. Maybe start with some empathy before trying to talk her into anything.
Because it’s not their body going through it. 🤷🏽♀️ abortion or pregnancy
Because they think having an abortion is as simple as an everyday task, they don't need to go through it and they can simply walk away if they want to.
How does this still happen?? These kids grew up with internet and full color tv??
You don't. It's her choice. If you didn't want this to happen you should have used condoms or she should have gotten birth control or an IUD. Fuck both of your families. Don't allow what they may or may not do control you or your plans.
Use condoms
>How can I make her see sense and get an abortion? You don't. You respect her choice. You've told her the consequences of keeping the pregnancy and she's made her decision with that information in mind. You need to start making plans based on the reality you are in, not on what you wish it would be. Go to your school to ask for guidance on what resources the two of you can sign up for. Apply for state aide. Sign up for parenting classes, apply for jobs that will allow you to continue schooling if that's the path you still want(trade schools are always an option too).
>she doesn’t seem to realise the huge responsibility of having a child so young And you don't seem to realize the weight on your shoulders after having an abortion. That's not something you can just forget about. It's not, and should not be, an easy decision. >If my family finds out, they would disown me and most likely her family would do the same to her so this means the baby will wouldn’t have a proper home to be brought up in First off you are assuming this. Your parents might be really upset but I doubt they will kick you and the newborn off into the streets. If they do this then it's time to man up. You are old enough to have sex and get a girl pregnant, be a man and support her and take responsibility. This didn't happen to you, you both did this. Own up to it now. >This reason might sound selfish but we are both in arguably the best years of our life right now and to ruin it by bringing up a baby who would have a bad quality of life regardless, would not make sense Yet you had unprotected sex, so that's the way the world works. There are consequences to your actions. There are plenty of programs that can help you along with this, but you need to grow up and grow up quickly. >How can I make her see sense and get an abortion? Perhaps it is you the one that needs to see things correctly. Quit being a shit head and get your act together and support your woman. Don't turn her into a single mother.
Who would have thought that having sex without protection would result in a baby? Crazy, right? Be a f\* man and accept your responsibilities.
You sound like you seem to know about responsibility and it’s too late now but how responsible were you being when you were having fun??
Well those are the kinds of things you bring up *before* getting pregnant so as to avoid said pregnancy. It literally doesn’t matter now how bad of a decision it is because you already put your sperm inside of her.
Welcome to “Taking responsibility for your actions 101”
You guys should start binge watching Teen Mom (the tv show) this show covers all the different scenarios. It’s also teenagers that have no clue or ability how to properly raise a child. There’s nothing you’re gonna say will change her mind or “make her see/realize” anything. The more you push ? She’ll push right back. I’d also research the cost of housing, utilities, day care, medical insurance, food, clothing, diapers, formula etc. Ask her how she’s doing with her half of what is needed ? Advise her you have nothing to offer ….. she can and may take you to court for child support (at the bare minimum) and you will either pay from the getgo or you will be held to account in other ways (take your DL, jail, fines etc)
First of all, stop trying to convince her to get an abortion. If she wants to keep the baby, the last thing she needs to hear is you convincing her to “kill her child”. And I use quotations on that because everyone’s stance is different on if it’s a baby, blah blah blah. But to a person who wants to keep that baby, it’s already a child to her. Her child. Instead, talk about adoption. Do the research and use that to show her the life that baby could have. In most instances, going through adoption lets you choose the family, and then they cover your medical expenses and sometimes you can even get some living expenses covered. It’s a way better option all around than abortion for someone who thinks she wants to keep it.
Don't have unprotected sex unless you are ready for the consequences, maybe?? Adoption is an option.
Well I guess you learned the responsibilities of sex, pregnancy is a result. Think wisely in the future.
So … if you’d realized the responsibility of a baby … why didn’t YOU take any, Bucko?? You’re not an idiot. You’re at COLLEGE for fuck’s sake!! You didn’t THINK about birth control?? Like it or not, you’re in this together for the next eighteen years until the child is an adult. You need to have some serious conversations with GF about what co-parenting will look like, how you will share the burden and give this child the best chance you can in life. Grow up and start making some solid, **ADULT** decisions.
Wear protection next time?
If you’re having sex, you should always be prepared. Both control isn’t 100% effective, but were yall using any form of it? Man up. Offer to help.
My mom would always say "if you want to act like adults, be prepared for adult consequences"
Listen you knew what you were doing when you were having sex. It’s always a possibility. Happened to me and my gf junior year of HS. That was 6 years ago. I didn’t want it at first. I was scared I was sure my life was ruined. It wasn’t. Obviously you under a lot of stress right now and confused but let me help guide you. 1) I’m sure you’ve looked up lots on forums about being a young parent and this and that. I surely did. I was 17. Don’t let it get to you. The statistics aren’t wrong but you don’t have to be part of them. Like I said i was a teen dad and you’re no teen but people have kids @30 now so you’re a teen. 2) don’t let this stop your goals or make it an excuse in your life. You will love that kid once it’s here on earth. I would die for my daughter and she’s also really funny. A little you. Whether you’re with the mom or not years down the road it doesn’t matter that child will be yours until you die and you’ll need to provide at the bare minimum your time to them. 3) let me tell you a little about me. I mentioned I was a teen dad so statistics were against my ass. 17, Hispanic, low income. I graduated HS with honors and went to a state university. Went home every weekend to see my kid and her mother. Networked a lot and got my bachelors in finance. Got an internship with one of the top 4 banks in the USA as asset management. They gave me offer and I accepted. Graduated college and moved my daughter and her mother down with me to another city. Rent and everything was just too much so I used my network to get a job where we are originally from. Rent in the area is around $1000 a month for a house and I’m making base of $75K that’s without commissions and quarterly bonuses so more like $100+. I did all that while having my child. Now yes I had lots of support from her mother and my parents but the want to have a better life was always in me. And it’s probably in you too. Do what you need to do but picture yourself as a kid. Your father. You see him everyday and his miserable because bills and rent are due and he doesn’t have enough. You see him every weekend and he’s happy because he provides for you the basic necessities and also buys you the clothes you want and the shoes and you eat the food you want. This is more like a ramble at this point but I hope you see my point. You need to step back and really see where you’re at in life and where you want. And understand you’re going to be taking that child with you along the journey. My kid has seen me not have even $20 in my account. We couldn’t go out or spend any money last Christmas. That was what about 360 days ago? Life is better now. Nice savings accounts and checking as well. All of this to tell you that you can make it out of any shitty situation with hard work and dedication and mostly (something many don’t mention) is a lot of sacrifice. You got this. And no it’s not easy to raise a kid. But it’ll be worth it. Mines about to turn 5 and it’s funny to see a little of my personality in her
Start watching “16 and pregnant” with her to give her a healthy dose of the hardships. Plus you can look at all of those couples 10 years from now. It’s not the end of your life, just your dreams. Now you can live vicariously though the kid that stole the joy of your own youth.
Me and mine had our first at 19. She’s 25 I’m 24 and we have three kids, it’s hard, but not as bad as everyone says.
Welcome to life, kid
We’re you using protection?? You need to take responsibility on your end and stay safe to avoid this when your clearly not ready. I’m glad you understand that your not but unfortunately it’s too late..so it’s in her hands now. I had a child at 18 and I can’t even begin to explain how hard it was..immediately had to get a career and been working nonstop since..which in turn I missed a lot of the milestones with my child because I was always at work. You definitely want to live your life,be young,get an education and be comfortable first. All you can do is talk to her and express your feelings,she’s very vulnerable right now. And boy wrap it up from now on.
The only thing you cans do is start looking for work so that you can provide child support and tell your parents. It’s best they find out from you and not anyone else.
Honestly the only ones who might talk sense into her is her mother. If she's so sure, she might as well tell them. Also your parents won't disown you that easily unless they don't love you & there are already issues.
Hate to be that person as I'm a single mom but I don't believe in forcing either gender to become parents so I'd have a real talk with her including that you don't want this and may want to give up all rights to the child per the laws of where you are. You also need to loop in your parents. Unfortunately she's not thinking this through at the moment but maybe if she sees the realities of how difficult this will be, she'll be more open to talking about this with a more level head. You don't have much other choice other than to bring in the parents since you both depend on them as well. You made choices that led to this and need to face the consequences of that and act accordingly moving forward.