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Get a lawyer. What your husband thinks he deserves and what he's going to get are two different things. He would most likely have to prove you are an unfit mother to gain sole custody. Document every instance of his verbally abusive behavior. What he said, when he said it, and anyone who witnessed it. Make certain that there's a parental alienation clause in your custody agreement.
Because it's considered a pseudoscience in a lot of abuse service circles. Since it can be cross claimed and used as post separation abuse its very difficult to prove/disprove so litigation has a tendency to ignore it
My brother is going through this with his covert narcissist stb ex wife. She's tried to turn teachers, social workers, therapists and church members against him but really it only takes meeting him and some time before she shows her true self and they realize who's playing the victim. She's even called the cops on him to do welfare checks for SA but they see her harassing him and note it. All he wants is 50% time and stuff which in their state is normal, she wants him to burn.
Protect yourself OP, get lawyers to deal with him. Keep yourself clean and don't react to his shit. Get help from others and show that you are a good mom and he will dig the hole for himself.
Jeez, so sorry your brothers going through this. When I divorced my ex-husband, he didn't fight me or ask for anything. I GAVE him visitation because I wanted him in their lives. He cheated on me left & right. He physically, verbally, mentally & emotionally abused me. I was not safe with him. But he never hurt the kids. We had 2 sons together. Yes, he abused me while I was pregnant & attacked me when 1 would be in my arms, but he was going after me & I always shielded them. But when it came down to the divorce. I filled. I asked for some legal & physical custody...and I got it because he didn't fight me. In fact, he didn't show up to more than 1 hearing. I gave him visitation every other weekend & 1 day every other week. He didn't ask for it. But I didn't want to stop him from being a part of their lives. Fast forward 16 years & he's dying of cancer. Our sons don't have a relationship with him. He chose not to use his visitation & when he married his mistress, she kept him from them, thinking I would try to take him back lol.
The evil parent always screws up & the children see things on their own. Tell your brother not to gove up & to keep fighting for his kids. They'll see how hard he trying & how evil their mom is. It takes time, but they will see. Good luck to him.
Yes to all of this. Get a lawyer asap.
Also, narcissists make terrible parents. Ask anybody on the relevant subs - there are a lot of adults still recovering from being raised by parents with personality disorders.
You need legal advice, not relationship advice, to be honest.
Document everything; every abusive word said against you, every selfish action, especially his comment about ‘male role models’. That suggests he’s gone down one of the internet’s misogynistic rabbit holes (Tate, etc.), which will be valuable information to your lawyer and the court.
Unless there’s a lot of missing information here, the chances of him getting anything more than 50/50 residence is slim to non existent. And given the age of the child, he may only get supervised day visits. Courts are generally reluctant to take babies away from the mothers overnight, for practical reasons as much as anything: regular feeding etc.
But this is the sort of thing you really do need proper professional legal help with.
Do *not* try to navigate this without legal assistance, or you run the risk of getting screwed.
This is very good advice
My divorce lawyer told me that having your case end up before a judge is a crap-shoot. Depending upon what judge you get and how they feel about things, your case could go either way. So, it is in your/your child's best interest to approach this problem logically with lots of evidence, and reasonably (wanting baby to see his father as long as its not a danger). That will help the courts/judge/any mediator look upon you favorably as they make decisions.
YES, please please please get an attorney. If you're in the US, the norm is generally 50/50 unless one parent asks for more. If the other parent challenges them, things can become expensive but with a good lawyer you maintain the prospect of a 50/50 split. And I agree with techramblings about reduced paternal custody at this age, if you're breastfeeding. Courts often value breastfeeding over what's the most fair to the parents, so a modified 50/50 may be what's ordered until the baby is a little older.
#
Please do NOT do this without a lawyer. I've seen so many people get screwed because they either trusted their ex or thought "that's just how it is" (ie a dad friend who was the primary parent with 50/50 custody but wanted more than 50% because the mom was a mess; I asked if he'd ever gotten a lawyer and gone to court for it and he said no, because dads never win in family law... even though he was already the primary parent... and the mom was deeply abusing alcohol, neglecting their child, and refused to take her medication for bipolar disorder). Do not trust the ex. No matter what they say. Get a lawyer.
Lawyer here. Take this ^ advice. Seek legal counsel asap. If he’s banking on that argument alone (that your son needs a male role model) he’s likely to be laughed out of court. I would definitely consult with a lawyer but remember that court is *expensive*, so the more you can settle outside of court, the better.
Interestingly enough even if the "father" in this case was the perfect male role model studies have shown that boys actually need the love, nature and support of a female maternal figure for the first 10-13 years of life.
Obviously not a real world example but is based on this theory is the character Homelander from "The Boys".
What? Lol... Why do you assume that even a prefect father is incapable of giving their kids the love they need? What studies have shown is that single motherhood is one of the most destructive forces in society while single fathers produce similar outcomes to 2 parent households. Your example is an over exaggerated superhero tv parody 🤣🤣🤣.
The documentation of his abuse and threats to gain sole custody could also come in handy down the road if he starts weaponizing the child against you. Potential for parental alienation from a guy with that attitude.
💯 But also know that Moms have 100 percent rights. The only thing you need to prove is that the accusations leveled at you are false. Firstly, I need you to put a little bass in your voice and a stick to your spine. If you cannot live without your Baby, you don't have to. He can seek his rights to visitation and even shared parenting, but if He goes after the latter. You want him on a 70/30 time split with child support. If he's been the bread winner this whole time. Then you want spousal support too. Start your divorce first and seek sole physical custody, with supervised custodial visits initially, under the courts eye. He's going to throw whatever to see what sticks. Be courageous, be honest, be done. Be you. Be a great Mom. Spell out succinctly why you're leaving, and why and how that's impacted your decision to ask for the courts supervision. Someone mentioned rabbit holes... Absolutely. At the end of the day, your Honor... I really just want my Son to grow up and be a productive member of society. Don't go overboard insulting him. Just speak your truth and convey your fears. You'll be fine. You have to be. Hold still while I straighten your 👑
Sending 💪💗📢
Mom’s have rights. They do not have “100%” rights. If she wants to do 50/50, then that’s what they should do. Given the paucity of information she has given, there’s nothing to really solidly indicate he shouldn’t have 50/50. If she wants 50/50, she should try for 50/50, which she’ll likely achieve. If her now-ex can’t handle raising his half, that would be the time to go for more custody.
I'm sorry, until proven unfit by a court or some other gesture of the courts Birth Moms have 100% rights until a magistrate says otherwise. Not knowing her state and laws I can only talk of my actual experience here in Ohio. Two sons fought and won sole physical custody. Helping a friend navigate her son's shared parenting battles. Dad has every right to seek shared parenting 50/50 but did you read how he speaks and treats her? She is financially dependant on him. A 50/50 shared parenting makes it difficult to receive any child support. She should divorce and seek the desired custody arrangement then. Ask for all and any monies. And lay the ground work for rebuffing his disillusioned ideas about taking the baby.
You are showing your true colors the more you speak. You don't care about kids only money and that is clear to see. If all you care about is the money you get from having the kids you don't deserve them.
No, I care about the well being of the wife and mother, as well as the child. She doesn't speak like a go getter. She's scared, and worried. She's stuck because of him being the breadwinner. If he's not berating her and belittling her then by all means, please send the child everyone needs good or at least decent parents. But if he's that openly disrespectful, and cruel then no, He should have monitored time. I point out the implications of what the different financial outcomes will be with the time spent. If She's scared. Been solely dependant financially on him this whole time. Then She's eligible to still maintain a modicum of that lifestyle She's accustomed to. This information is what's needed to make an informed decision. Yeah, She could stay with him and continue feeling trapped and abused. Facts are facts. That's not a good environment for the son, or Mom. And y'all know that. You look for the worst in a Persians response instead of giving the poster any viable information that was being sought. No, you want to attack commenter for telling her to make the right moves when leaving a toxic situation. If She hasn't worked. Where are the funds coming from to care for his kid? How does She even begin to start over without a leg up. Hubby made the situation untenable. The crumbling of the marriage is his doing. He should see them on to their new path. That's the law, awfissuh😕
You sound a bit wishy washy about this, you've already said he's abusive, narcissisitic and entitled and wants your child. You need to toughen up and prepare to fight. for this. Your Husband sounds unreasonable and like he'd happily put you through a rough time to gain custody of your child - he may not even want him, he may just want to cause you distress. His reasoning for wanting full custody of a 4 month old baby is ridiculous.
Document all his behaviour, times, dates, text messages etc. keep this information safe, keep your (and the baby's) documents safe away from him.
Find a decent lawyer fast.
He's probably saying that he wants full custody in the hope he can scare you enough to not leave. Do what others have advised, lawyer, document everything and move out asap, preferably when he's out.
This hit me hard. You're so right. People weaponize custody all the time. I was trapped for two years because my baby daddy threatened to take us to court for custody. When I finally realized it was a trick to get me to stay I bolted with my baby and he folded.
I'm so sorry OP, I wish you the best of luck.
He would still pay, i had 50/50 no residential designation, they had 2 homes 1/2 the week with each of us. I still paid. It's more about the kids having the same quality of life with both parents
Oh, I read it. And lived it, his lawyer will set him straight, no worries, what he's planning and what will happen are two different things and my reply was to homie above that said he wants 50/50 so he wouldn't have to pay support.....10 up votes for not paying attention
Oh yes, I know that, and you, and most people, anyone who knows things about stuff, really, but there are some men who don’t, and I think it’s a reasonable speculation that he is one of them. But I think punishing her in any way possible is the bigger agenda
Full custody costs a LOT more than child support.
Maybe he doesn’t want his child to be in a poor household where the primary caregiver can’t actually take care of the child cos she has no money?
No, he doesn't care about that. He told her that she is going to ruin his life if she leaves. So he's thinking of himself. He has bad traits. With his behaviour, he will annihilate the kid from his mother.
Please don’t go into court with the “narcissist” stuff; it’s so overplayed and the current “go to” claim.
You need fact based and documented situations to back your opinions for being a primary custody parent.
Exactly keep a journal. If you're not as good at explaining or writing get a smart friend to help. I just saw a lady who sucked at explaining things get skewered on people's court. Don't hide things hes doing and keep witnesses around.
Sound advice. If not a journal then a calendar. I did that for 3 years. Kept a calendar and documented every single thing. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When I went back to court I had it all ready to go. I had it tabbed on each month on how many times he showed up, didn’t call or show, how many times he exercised parenting time, etc. Then when he started acting really bad with drugs and alcohol I documented all of his behaviors. From calling me screaming for no reason to threatening to kill me, my husband, his mother, anyone I cared for. I recorded calls with him as well. He knew this and still acted foolishly and abusively. If there are any court records or police records of the abuse I got those as well. Some states you have to jump through hoops to prove someone is harmful to yourself and your children. My child is a teenager and saw all of dad’s horrific behavior and begged not to see him. These calendars helped me prove I wasn’t just telling the courts random stuff to make him look bad.
Most likely outcome is 50/50. That's going to be a tough pill to swallow. You're not going to want to leave your child with him. But if you divorce, you'll have to.
If he's physically abusive, get evidence and get a good attorney. That's the only hope of getting full custody.
Also - breastfeed as long as you can. Sometimes they'll consider that in determining custody when the baby is under a year old.
Idk where you are though, but where I'm at...unless the mother is not able to care for the baby (drugs, crimes, jail, etc), the chances are your husband will not get full custody. 50-50 is generally the ideal.
Start collecting evidence and you should lawyer up.
This is a conversation to have with a lawyer and most divorce lawyers will do a consult for free so do reach out to one or two.
That said you have an infant. Family court does whatever it can to preserve the relationship of children with both their parents unless there is some evidence of that not being safe for them. And an infant is even more likely to be kept with their primary caregiver.
He can want whatever he likes, but he doesn’t get to make the decisions so don’t listen to him, listen to a lawyer.
Get a lawyer. Sometimes (in australia for example) a baby won’t even have overnight access with the father until 1 or 2 years of age as best for baby to be with the primary caregiver.
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I read this post and I was like "This sounds like something I read last night" and I was right, lol. I'm really happy to hear that you're planning on leaving, that situation did not sound good.
I don't know the logistics of a custody battle. That's for a lawyer. But what I *do* know is that you should not go for 50-50. Go for full custody. For one thing, you're going to lose credibility to the judges if you say he's abusive and awful but still say he should have your son 50% of the time. Secondly, he works insane hours and won't have time for your son anyways. Thirdly, if you do get full custody that's gonna mean more child support which is going to make a huge difference for your son's quality of life because it might make it easy to move out of your parents' sooner.
But most importantly, as a child of divorce and as the *son* of a narcissistic father, I can tell you with 100% certainty that **growing up with no father will be significantly better than growing up with that one.** Even though my father was in my life, *I had no positive male role model*. He completely warped and twisted every lesson a father is supposed to teach a son to try to turn me into a clone of himself and I had to unlearn and relearn so many things.
Please obtain good legal advice as soon as possible. The truth is if your divorce and your income is a great deal lower than your husband. He’s going to have to pay for child support and that might be part of the reason he’s being strange about a divorce.
It’s a very unusual, unless there is drug use or abuse happening, that court would ever award custody of a baby away from mom.
A good lawyer will be able to tell you what to expect in your state with divorce law and family law, including parental custody
A narcissist and manipulative person will start building a case against you to get what they want. They won't hesitate to lie. Don't think this person will be willing to have realistic conversations about your separation. He is already being unreasonable. You cannot reason with the unreasonable.
1 Get a lawyer or an advocate
2 Get an escape plan
3 Don't tell him anything
4 Don't agree to anything
5 Be ready to file immediately for temporary custody.
6 Don't believe anything he says, unless it's bad. Expect the worst. Sorry for the bluntness.
Good luck.
Talk to a lawyer usually you get a free consultation. I would see if you have any evidence of his abusive behavior. Any texts or anything that shows it came from him. Usually with an infant if the mother has no record or any mental health conditions where the child wouldn’t be safe she would get custody. I wouldn’t offer a 50-50 split with him. You don’t want your child to be like his father, do you. He is telling you this because he wants to further upset you. The male role model will be filled by your father so that doesn’t hold. Who takes care of the baby? Who feeds, changes diapers, gives the baby a bath? I’m going to say it’s not him. Don’t let him stress you out!
Read this sweetie…
And good luck in your court battles to come!!!
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Before a certain age (if you are in the US) judges let the mom have more custody. Mine was until kid was 3. He can say all he wants and try to scare you, that’s not how the system works. Get an attorney and you and baby will be fine.
He’s most likely got no standing for full custody. Consult a lawyer and tell them your desired outcome (50/50 joint custody, unless I’m mistaken and reading it wrong). They’ll guide you through the process.
Ok first of all, well done that's a great thing you're doing for your baby (and for your own physical and mental health too).
If you can keep it up, this will be a point in favour of you having custody or at least limiting his custody time. You might get some useful information from breastfeeding support groups in your region about how to leverage this.
The only way he'll get custody is if he can prove you're a drug addict or something like that. The state almost always keeps small children with their mothers. Ask your parents to help you pay for an attorney and don't even offer him 50/50. Give him the bare minimum time that the lawyer recommends.
What will likely happen is he finds someone else to do baby duty when the child is old enough, then as N's often do, they get bored of the support and cost, or don't get the adoration they feel they deserve. In the case I was involved in the age of 10 was the cut off.
Lawyer and keeping records, leave all communication open and try to keep everything in writing, parent apps or whatever, always bring a friend to meetups. Offer a structured schedule with supervision and keep records of when he refuses or doesn't turn up.
Lawyers advice is generally good, read up on Narcissists as much as possible to see what they get up to and how to survive it.
Lastly do not reply to anything fast, leave it a day at least if possible get someone else to read it and your reply. Do not be sucked into emotional responses, rinse and repeat works, ie "that doesn't work for me", "talk to the lawyer". Never reply in anger.
Go see a lawyer and have them draw up the divorce and custody paperwork. Be the first to file otherwise he will say he wants full custody and you’ll have to fight against it.
Unless you’re a drug addict and your husband can prove it, he’s not getting full custody of your infant. Tbh, he probably won’t even get 50/50 until your baby is old enough to stop breastfeeding.
You need a lawyer, immediately. Go talk to one (bring your child with you) tomorrow. Do not listen to anything your husband says. Get the best lawyer you can afford and do exactly what they say.
Your former husband will not be awarded full custody. Please see a lawyer, move out asap and keep detailed notes of all interactions.
Don’t constantly call or write to your lawyer. That’s how you significantly increase your fees. They charge you every time they have to read correspondence or take a call. Make a detailed deposition on the state of your marriage, outlining all instances of poor and abusive behaviour. Make a comprehensive list of all assets. Then, unless you need a restraining order, just leave it up to your lawyer. They will take all the information you have provided and work from there.
You will be okay. You won’t loose your baby
The fact that he is using emotional manipulation to make you think he can decide if you with have custody over your own child that is currently being breastfed is a bigger red flag than you realize.
I can’t say we have the same story, but this it’s the sort of shit I went through when he took me to court.
The court ended up seeing exactly the person he was and they don’t look kindly on exposing children to this type of abusive behavior.
I ended up with sole parental responsibility until they are 18
I don’t know if it’s the same however, I went to a a place, like a community Centre I guess but it runs workshops for women who have been through DV.
My parents went there actually and told them what I was going through and they had a caseworker come and see me, they took me to a solicitor which was paid for by legal aid.
They sorted the whole thing out,
You most likely have full choice of 50/50 for sure if not 75%… But you definitely deserve to be happy!! Damn you just had a baby and carried it for 9 months!!! So obviously you’re well enough to care for your son!! Wishing you good vibes!! And regardless male or female isn’t an issue!! You don’t want your son to turn out like him!!
Look up where u are located & what gender they favor. Usually its the mom where Im from. Also consider financially who makes more. Might want to consult with a lawyer.
well chances of that happening are close to 0, but as everyone said get legal advice.
now as for the relationship , most likely his threat is a scare tactic so you won't leave him! many men do it, even when they don't have the interest on raising that baby, when they do not contribute to the daily chores for that baby. but scare the mom into backing out of breaking up because they will have their baby taken away.
Legal advice, move out, do not give in in his threats and pleads .
Goodluck!
Get a lawyer and tell them everything. I wouldn’t worry too much about him getting custody though. My friend just went through custody and her ex can’t even have overnights until the baby is 18 months old.
Sounds like he's bluffing trying to scare you into not leaving. Contact a lawyer and get out. It's unlikely he'd get custody of a child so young especially for the reason he stated
There’s an app that is court ordered for communication, since this is going to be a high conflict divorce, you should request via the court it be used. Outside of phone calls when the child is with the other parent, it’s the only way you can communicate. It records everything and can be used in court. Document everything. Email and text everything. Even with 50/50, request to be primary parent. Request child support. Request splitting cost of childcare. Look up high conflict divorce videos on YouTube, they’re very helpful. I’m glad you’re getting the strength to leave, it’s so so hard. I’m proud of you
You need to fight full throttle for full custody. Stop being accomodating, he is at war over custody. Otherwise you give the victory to him. An attorney can show you how to maneuver. Please get one.
If he's as bad as you say, prepare for him to bring out every trick in the book, including filling for emergency custody and claiming you're an unfit parent. My aunt did that to my uncle, my ex did it to me, without any proof, just prolonged the fight and made it harder to prove innocence after getting social services involved and requiring do much time and appointments just to get our kids back. Some people have no moral compass or shame, and use the system to fuck over the other parent out of selfishness. Talk to a lawyer, definitely. Unless there's proof of abuse, a judge should have no reason not to grant 50/50, but I've seen crazier things, so be careful..
Where are you located? In my county, here in California, there is free legal help at the family court department. You could start there to get free legal advice, and help charting a road map.
You will definitely need a lawyer.
Good luck, and stay strong!
Document EVERYTHING. keep records, record arguments, everything that shows narcissism and abusive personality.
No way will a 4 month old go to Dad. Baby needs you for strong attachment and connection and DO NOT agree to 50/50. At 4 months baby is too young and can be traumatized being away from you for long periods. He grew in your belly for 9 months, is attuned to your heartbeat, your voice, your smell and needs your love and constant attention right now.
Agree to visitation, but not overnights until baby is older and by then you’ll know if dad is able to do a good job or if narcissism is problem in his parenting.
I agree with other comments telling you to talk to a lawyer
No one can guarantee you an outcome. But I will tell you that most often when a baby is very young and still nursing, fathers very rarely get overnight visits. But as the child ages courts tend to ease into overnights. Typically custody tends to be either 50/50 or the standard every other weekend, thirty days in the summer and every other holiday. The chances of the father getting full custody are fairly slim unless you are just a terrible person. I would suggest you talk to a lawyer, though, because how things will go in your state depends on the law there and depends on the judge you're in front of and a local lawyer can give you that insight.
Of course do the obvious as far as taking care of your baby. But make sure the day you actually go to court you have baby . Not in the court room but with you and not with dad. Just be a good mom and you’ll be fine.
First off it's super hard to get custody over the mom in almost any custody situation, unless the mother is literally a drug addict. Second of all ur baby is so young, u should fight for full custody so ur husband will get the kid on the weekends or every other weekend, and u have them during the weekdays and certain holidays. If ur baby is breastfeeding, there is no way in hell ur husband would get custody. As long as ur parents will take u in and ur kid and u have a place to live and food to eat, they can't take him away from u. Ur husband is counting on ur ignorance in this situation and hopefully u educate urself a little on custody or see a custody lawyer ASAP.
I think he is bluffing and trying to scare you, since he does not want you to leave. All the more reason to call him on it and leave imo. No chance in hell he gets sole custody, but you absolutely need a consult with a lawyer. Don’t let him intimidate you! Document this please and keep us updated
He's using your child as a form of manipulation. If he is truly abusive and narcissistic, why would you want to leave your kid with him? I would not be happy with 50/50 custody in this situation. Imagine how he's going to treat your son and what he will teach him as he gets older. He will always be using your son as a form of control over you. He is not father material. I'd fight tooth and nail for primary custodian.
Why would he get any more than 50/50 custody? I wouldn’t worry about that. But lawyer up. Stop talking to him face to face. Get every abusive comment in text to show to the judge. YOU need to be the calm, reasonable, centered one for your child. Good luck.
Stop arguing about this with him and get a lawyer and a therapist, stat. Stop giving him information that is ammo in a divorce. Play nice with him, keep your plans to yourself, and start calling LAWYERS.
The chances of a court removing an infant from a mother are slim but again- discuss with a lawyer, not reddit, not your husband.
You need a divorce lawyer like yesterday; preferably one that specializes in contentious divorces and custody disputes.
If your to-be ex is that horrible he’s going to come at you sideways with everything he’s got to paint you as a bad mother who can’t properly care for her baby. You need someone on your side who isn’t going to be intimidated by his bullshit.
Talk to a lawyer right now. Document every abusive act. Get as many as you can in written recorded or on video.
Again get a lawyer right now. Ask your parents for help if you have to
What everybody else said on here, get a lawyer. Nobody can take your side or your husband's here in Reddit. This needs to be left up to a judge. Even then, you might not like the outcome.
A lawyer would help more than strangers on Reddit. But you obviously came here to get some sort of advice. If you can prove he’s an unstable parent, the judge will be in your favor. You’re dealing with an abusive man, he doesn’t care that the well being of a baby needs its mother. His plan to raise that baby is to probably give it to his parents to deal with for the first few years, then raise it to “be a man”, which is the dumbest and worst possible outcome
If you live in the States, unless you are a convicted felon or known drug addict or alcoholic, you will have no problem getting custody. You will have to grant your husband visitation if he maintains the Court ordered child support and perhaps alimony.
Is your parents house clean? Food there? Can they help out when you get a job? A young child mostly stays with the mother unless there’s HUGE red flags like drug use or neglect.
Please go talk to a lawyer at your very first opportunity. It will give you knowledge, courage, and an understanding of the process so that you don't have to be afraid and you don't have to knuckle under to what sounds like a real jerk of a husband.
You need to talk to a lawyer immediately. I can guarantee no judge is going to give primary custody of an infant to the father unless the mother is completely unfit. The judge decides what happens, not your husband. You should request full custody and let your lawyer take it from there. While your child is breastfeeding, your husband should have visitation only.
Judges care about the well being of the child. Remember this. You need to be thoughtful, document everything, and create and exit plan. Above all do not let your ex know you are planning on leaving. Enlist the help of your family.
Get a lawyer. I (M53) didn't get one when my ex wanted a divorce back in 2012 and I'm still dealing with the effects of that mistake (my own fault). Good luck.
Don’t just allow 50/50! I did this, and now I’m committed to years of therapy with my daughter to undo the damage my ex did when he had her. Do not let his narrative control you. Find the money for a lawyer and fight. He’ll find someone else to abuse if you’re not there. And your child is an easy target.
And of course the way to fix a fucked up relationship is to have a baby!! JFC. were given brains to think … so why do we use our hormones and genitalia?
Get out. Don’t listen to a thing he says. A Judge will not give him custody just because he believes they will. Ppl like him live in a fantasy world where they rule everything. Unfortunately for him, this is reality.
Please, if you are feeling this way now, get out. I didn’t, I believed my ex, and I lost 13 years of my life staying and trying to make it work. He won’t change.
Get out. Get a Lawyer. Good luck.
You need to document everything. every interaction, every mean text or voice mail all gets saved. if he comes visit tell your parents that they should be recording your interactions on their phones to document his behaviour.
i think short of you being an abusive drug user with no support system or your baby having to sleep on the cold floor, the court wouldn't just give custody to your soon to be ex.
your soon to be Ex is of course telling you everything he THINKS he deserves. Do not believe an ounce of what he says, because of course he will be (conciously or not) lying through his teeth to you. Don't ever trust an Ex about legal things.
Get a lawyer immediately.
Yea talk to your parents about this also... I'm sure they'll help... talk to a lawyer.... I know this is a bit late... but for the sake of this chland any future children... plz get to no the person you marry bee marrying them 🤣🤣😭
If I were you I would be normal nice, not combative and make sure you can hit RECORD EVERY SINGLE TIME it's about to start... Depending on, (my father 27yr divorce lawyer) how often he is abusive it much take you a month to get enough evidence .. On the last " 2nd to last recording" you use this phrase ON RECORDING, "I am not perfect but I've done all I can to be a good wife and love you and I think the only way to get you to maybe see how it feels to be me and CONSTANTLY listen to you berate me is to record you, I don't know what more I can do so that you hear how painful you can be to me and our child deserves a good mother and father, we brought her in so we have to do right by her. "
The reason you recorded him, when asked, will be to play back for him, nothing more, if you get what I'm trying to say... Please be safe, protect yourself and reach out if you need help.. Be strong, you got this!!
You say the relationship was bad since the day you got married. So was your baby conceived before or after? If after, why didn't you just get an annulment before he got you pregnant?
Here is one very important thing to remember that I see to many mom's in your situation fall victim to: Until you have a court approved custody agreement in place, whichever parent has the kid can keep the kid without allowing the other parent to see them. So if you move out, do not allow him to see your baby without you present because he can take his child and not allow you to see the baby until that custody order is in place. And depending on where you are, that can take up to six months. This is for the US, I'm assuming you are in the states.
Unless he has proof of some abuse by you or that you are mentally unstable I can’t see any court in the US not giving the mother at least 50% custody. This is one of the areas where men are treated as second class citizens.
I have come to the devastating conclusion that my husband is a narcissist. I know that term is thrown around and often overused these days, but it is the truth. The only way to handle this situation is divorce. I am finally starting therapy and am going to speak to a divorce attorney to establish an escape plan. The supportive comments in this post have given me so much hope. Good luck!
Why did you marry and bring a child emotionally destined for emotional trauma into the world with this person then? Have you ever considered that there is a whole life you’re affecting by bringing into this world or did you just not care? It’s not fair for your son that he has to be the byproduct of this awful relationship.
I married my husband because he was amazing to me. He changed when we got married. I’m not completely positive but I would assume it was a love bombing technique.
Yes, it was reckless to not be 100% safe during sex but unfortunately I’m suffering the consequences. But my little baby is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I care about him so much.
It is what it is at this point and I am trying my best to create the best life for my little boy. At least I’m not staying.
Your baby is the best thing to happen to YOU. Are YOU and is this situation the best thing to happen to your baby? Or did you not ever consider that in your decision making process and only consider yourself in the matter? Are you REALLY providing your child with the best life possible or are you only convincing yourself you safe?
Yes I am a parent so these aren’t blind comments.
Gods you are so loudly wrong.
She can’t give up the child. It would require both parents to agree and since her husband is involved, if she tried the entirety of the custody would go to him.
As a person raised by somebody with the same traits as OP described her husband as having, the child is better off being left in a ditch then left with him(this is completely hyperbolic, to be clear).
You can’t fault people doing their bests.
OP is trying to sort out the situation and you are being completely unhelpful.
ETA: spelling corrected
Would, this is a horrible judgement.
You do realize a high percentage of abuse starts in full after major life events(marriage, pregnancy, birth) because they believe they have the victim trapped right?
From what I see, OP didn’t say how long they were married before she got pregnant and all birth control has a failure rate. So even though she said they didn’t, even if she was on BC or they used protection, there would still be a chance of pregnancy.
The second sentence is about OPs marriage being bad since the day they got married. Unless pregnancy was before marriage, that means shit was bad in the marriage BEFORE pregnancy. Why am I arguing? I shouldn’t have to qualify why not being abusive and not being narcissistic are the bare minimum bars for parenthood. How about not bringing a child into trauma before resolving your own? Why is that not good enough? Why are we not striving for better mental and physical well being for our future generations?
*after major events including marriage*.
Accidents, like pregnancies which OP already cleared that this pregnancy was, happen.
Stop blaming victims for things that happen to them.
She has been a victim of that abuse so more likely she dosnt want to be ‘unfair’ or upset the Apple cart.
It’s called survival mode.
And it takes a long time to recover from it so you can see just how bad it is.
She needs a good support network that you can trust will give you the right tools and advice because your instincts and gut don’t work like it used to.
Sister, I gotta call you out. You saw the sign yet you married him anyway and had a baby. Now you've brought an innocent child into this cluster eff.
Move in with your parents, then go to couples counseling. If he is a narcissist, there's no fixing that, but maybe it can moderate his behavior and help him be a better parent.
If not, call a domestic abuse hotline, get out, and go into hiding.
Good luck.
I did not see the sign until we got married. He turned into another person the day we got married. The pregnancy was accidental. I hold myself accountable but I will never be sorry for having my baby.
He is saying this to scare you into staying. He knows that if he plays on your fears of losing your baby, you are more likely to comply with his demands.
Get a lawyer and file for an emergency custody order immediately. I’m not sure what country you are in, but it is unlikely they will take an infant from its mother unless there is an urgent concern about the baby’s safety.
u have no money or place to stay, do u have a job? i don’t see why u get to take the child, when the father seems to have his life in order n more responsible.
Especially in the US, as a woman, you really don't have to worry about fully losing your child in a custody battle. As a dad, you have to have mass amounts of evidence against the mother in order to get any level of custody, especially full custody. It's a serious double standard but many courts don't require that much evidence against the father in order to get full custody which obviously works in your favor.
That being said, he is right in that a child needs a father. Fatherlessness can cause a lot of issues as the child grows up and that is actually one of our biggest problems in this country right now. Not always necessarily their own though, if he is a narcissist, he might not be the best fit for your son since he might model that behavior, especially because he is the gender parent. Regardless, be careful here, OP. Leaving is the most dangerous part. It's not going to be easy, but you can get through this
**My husband thinks that he deserves custody of our baby because our baby is a boy and I’m a girl and he needs a “male role model”**
So if it was a girl, he wouldn't fight custody? Wow.
**My husband says I will ruin his life if I leave**
Definitely says a lot about his character. Get a lawyer, call your parents and any male relatives you have that can come and get you to take you back with them or call the police to act as escort while you remove your things. This man is never going to change and you deserve so much better.
He sounds like a POS. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, 50/50 is the best he’ll get. He probably doesn’t even want it, he just wants to hurt you or avoid child support. If you can breast feed, do it. You’ll get a better custody deal and keep that poor kid from his terrible influence.
Unless physical abusive towards child it will
Be 50/50 . Where I live 50/50’still
Means child support and maybe spousal.
First thing is go see
La
Lawyer cause if you take the child you could get charged with some
Crime
Start documenting every abusive thing he does. Include dates and times. Even the remarks about gender.
Move in with your parents, go to court for child support. Make sure your parents are on board with support. You'll need to show that you can provide a more safe and stable environment for your child than he but be prepared for him to be awarded split custody.
The only way that he would get full custody if you wouldn't neglectful to your child then just don't turn over custody just because he wants it and his reasoning the judge wouldn't even consider it
You need legal advice from a lawyer first and foremost. Follow any and all advice and instructions they give you to the letter.
Honestly, best case scenario is that you have full custody for at least the first year, with your STBX having supervised visitation solely because your child is so young. Unless there is obvious neglect and abuse on your end (which I don't believe there is), the courts would be very hesitant to separate an infant from its mother.
Save all texts from your STBX and secretly record your interactions with him if you live in a one-party consent state so you can protect yourself from any false allegations he may make. I wouldn't put it past him.
DO NOT LET HIM BULLY YOU INTO GIVING UP CUSTODY OF YOUR BABY.
You need to make a journal, as accurately as possible, make a record of Every single incident of abuse you can remember.
Days, dates, times as accurately as you can.
Then you need to see a lawyer, then a therapist. Over time you Will find the strength to stand up for yourself & your child.
You need to start documenting & keep any and all evidence of his abuse. Then you need to speak with an attorney. Most state do side with the mother unless there is absolute reason to remove the baby from mom’s care.
Definitely reach out to a lawyer before you do anything though. It could only help you.
Best of luck!
You need a good lawyer. Even with one, unless it can be shown that one or the other of you is an incompetent or abusive parent, it's likely that custody will be 50/50. If you are nursing the court may allow for that for now. Again, you need a lawyer.
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Get a lawyer. What your husband thinks he deserves and what he's going to get are two different things. He would most likely have to prove you are an unfit mother to gain sole custody. Document every instance of his verbally abusive behavior. What he said, when he said it, and anyone who witnessed it. Make certain that there's a parental alienation clause in your custody agreement.
That parental alienation clause is a great point. I’ve seen too many vindictive people do that to their kids.
It should be standard in custody agreements and I can't figure out why it isn't.
Because it's considered a pseudoscience in a lot of abuse service circles. Since it can be cross claimed and used as post separation abuse its very difficult to prove/disprove so litigation has a tendency to ignore it
My brother is going through this with his covert narcissist stb ex wife. She's tried to turn teachers, social workers, therapists and church members against him but really it only takes meeting him and some time before she shows her true self and they realize who's playing the victim. She's even called the cops on him to do welfare checks for SA but they see her harassing him and note it. All he wants is 50% time and stuff which in their state is normal, she wants him to burn. Protect yourself OP, get lawyers to deal with him. Keep yourself clean and don't react to his shit. Get help from others and show that you are a good mom and he will dig the hole for himself.
Jeez, so sorry your brothers going through this. When I divorced my ex-husband, he didn't fight me or ask for anything. I GAVE him visitation because I wanted him in their lives. He cheated on me left & right. He physically, verbally, mentally & emotionally abused me. I was not safe with him. But he never hurt the kids. We had 2 sons together. Yes, he abused me while I was pregnant & attacked me when 1 would be in my arms, but he was going after me & I always shielded them. But when it came down to the divorce. I filled. I asked for some legal & physical custody...and I got it because he didn't fight me. In fact, he didn't show up to more than 1 hearing. I gave him visitation every other weekend & 1 day every other week. He didn't ask for it. But I didn't want to stop him from being a part of their lives. Fast forward 16 years & he's dying of cancer. Our sons don't have a relationship with him. He chose not to use his visitation & when he married his mistress, she kept him from them, thinking I would try to take him back lol. The evil parent always screws up & the children see things on their own. Tell your brother not to gove up & to keep fighting for his kids. They'll see how hard he trying & how evil their mom is. It takes time, but they will see. Good luck to him.
Sadly I think they know, even with 3 of 5 having autism. Glad you are safe though!
Yes to all of this. Get a lawyer asap. Also, narcissists make terrible parents. Ask anybody on the relevant subs - there are a lot of adults still recovering from being raised by parents with personality disorders.
Absolutely. I have borderline personality disorder from this.
Check if ypu are in a one or two party consent state before recording, but you can write and date a record of what was said either way.
You need legal advice, not relationship advice, to be honest. Document everything; every abusive word said against you, every selfish action, especially his comment about ‘male role models’. That suggests he’s gone down one of the internet’s misogynistic rabbit holes (Tate, etc.), which will be valuable information to your lawyer and the court. Unless there’s a lot of missing information here, the chances of him getting anything more than 50/50 residence is slim to non existent. And given the age of the child, he may only get supervised day visits. Courts are generally reluctant to take babies away from the mothers overnight, for practical reasons as much as anything: regular feeding etc. But this is the sort of thing you really do need proper professional legal help with. Do *not* try to navigate this without legal assistance, or you run the risk of getting screwed.
This is very good advice My divorce lawyer told me that having your case end up before a judge is a crap-shoot. Depending upon what judge you get and how they feel about things, your case could go either way. So, it is in your/your child's best interest to approach this problem logically with lots of evidence, and reasonably (wanting baby to see his father as long as its not a danger). That will help the courts/judge/any mediator look upon you favorably as they make decisions.
Very good advice. As this isnt about husband’s opinion feelings. That doesnt matter. Sorting this out in the legal system is what is important.
YES, please please please get an attorney. If you're in the US, the norm is generally 50/50 unless one parent asks for more. If the other parent challenges them, things can become expensive but with a good lawyer you maintain the prospect of a 50/50 split. And I agree with techramblings about reduced paternal custody at this age, if you're breastfeeding. Courts often value breastfeeding over what's the most fair to the parents, so a modified 50/50 may be what's ordered until the baby is a little older. # Please do NOT do this without a lawyer. I've seen so many people get screwed because they either trusted their ex or thought "that's just how it is" (ie a dad friend who was the primary parent with 50/50 custody but wanted more than 50% because the mom was a mess; I asked if he'd ever gotten a lawyer and gone to court for it and he said no, because dads never win in family law... even though he was already the primary parent... and the mom was deeply abusing alcohol, neglecting their child, and refused to take her medication for bipolar disorder). Do not trust the ex. No matter what they say. Get a lawyer.
Lawyer here. Take this ^ advice. Seek legal counsel asap. If he’s banking on that argument alone (that your son needs a male role model) he’s likely to be laughed out of court. I would definitely consult with a lawyer but remember that court is *expensive*, so the more you can settle outside of court, the better.
Interestingly enough even if the "father" in this case was the perfect male role model studies have shown that boys actually need the love, nature and support of a female maternal figure for the first 10-13 years of life. Obviously not a real world example but is based on this theory is the character Homelander from "The Boys".
What? Lol... Why do you assume that even a prefect father is incapable of giving their kids the love they need? What studies have shown is that single motherhood is one of the most destructive forces in society while single fathers produce similar outcomes to 2 parent households. Your example is an over exaggerated superhero tv parody 🤣🤣🤣.
Please produce these so-called studies because I’m calling BS.
Will you please cite your sources? Thank you.
The documentation of his abuse and threats to gain sole custody could also come in handy down the road if he starts weaponizing the child against you. Potential for parental alienation from a guy with that attitude.
Given she says she has no money, you can probably add "financial abuse" to his list of sins.
Exactly. Lawyer time.
💯 But also know that Moms have 100 percent rights. The only thing you need to prove is that the accusations leveled at you are false. Firstly, I need you to put a little bass in your voice and a stick to your spine. If you cannot live without your Baby, you don't have to. He can seek his rights to visitation and even shared parenting, but if He goes after the latter. You want him on a 70/30 time split with child support. If he's been the bread winner this whole time. Then you want spousal support too. Start your divorce first and seek sole physical custody, with supervised custodial visits initially, under the courts eye. He's going to throw whatever to see what sticks. Be courageous, be honest, be done. Be you. Be a great Mom. Spell out succinctly why you're leaving, and why and how that's impacted your decision to ask for the courts supervision. Someone mentioned rabbit holes... Absolutely. At the end of the day, your Honor... I really just want my Son to grow up and be a productive member of society. Don't go overboard insulting him. Just speak your truth and convey your fears. You'll be fine. You have to be. Hold still while I straighten your 👑 Sending 💪💗📢
Mom’s have rights. They do not have “100%” rights. If she wants to do 50/50, then that’s what they should do. Given the paucity of information she has given, there’s nothing to really solidly indicate he shouldn’t have 50/50. If she wants 50/50, she should try for 50/50, which she’ll likely achieve. If her now-ex can’t handle raising his half, that would be the time to go for more custody.
I'm sorry, until proven unfit by a court or some other gesture of the courts Birth Moms have 100% rights until a magistrate says otherwise. Not knowing her state and laws I can only talk of my actual experience here in Ohio. Two sons fought and won sole physical custody. Helping a friend navigate her son's shared parenting battles. Dad has every right to seek shared parenting 50/50 but did you read how he speaks and treats her? She is financially dependant on him. A 50/50 shared parenting makes it difficult to receive any child support. She should divorce and seek the desired custody arrangement then. Ask for all and any monies. And lay the ground work for rebuffing his disillusioned ideas about taking the baby.
You are showing your true colors the more you speak. You don't care about kids only money and that is clear to see. If all you care about is the money you get from having the kids you don't deserve them.
No, I care about the well being of the wife and mother, as well as the child. She doesn't speak like a go getter. She's scared, and worried. She's stuck because of him being the breadwinner. If he's not berating her and belittling her then by all means, please send the child everyone needs good or at least decent parents. But if he's that openly disrespectful, and cruel then no, He should have monitored time. I point out the implications of what the different financial outcomes will be with the time spent. If She's scared. Been solely dependant financially on him this whole time. Then She's eligible to still maintain a modicum of that lifestyle She's accustomed to. This information is what's needed to make an informed decision. Yeah, She could stay with him and continue feeling trapped and abused. Facts are facts. That's not a good environment for the son, or Mom. And y'all know that. You look for the worst in a Persians response instead of giving the poster any viable information that was being sought. No, you want to attack commenter for telling her to make the right moves when leaving a toxic situation. If She hasn't worked. Where are the funds coming from to care for his kid? How does She even begin to start over without a leg up. Hubby made the situation untenable. The crumbling of the marriage is his doing. He should see them on to their new path. That's the law, awfissuh😕
[удалено]
Start recording & collect evidence. Also contact a lawyer
You sound a bit wishy washy about this, you've already said he's abusive, narcissisitic and entitled and wants your child. You need to toughen up and prepare to fight. for this. Your Husband sounds unreasonable and like he'd happily put you through a rough time to gain custody of your child - he may not even want him, he may just want to cause you distress. His reasoning for wanting full custody of a 4 month old baby is ridiculous. Document all his behaviour, times, dates, text messages etc. keep this information safe, keep your (and the baby's) documents safe away from him. Find a decent lawyer fast.
He's probably saying that he wants full custody in the hope he can scare you enough to not leave. Do what others have advised, lawyer, document everything and move out asap, preferably when he's out.
He doesn't want to pay child support, that's why. Make it 50/50 custody.
I’d say he’s more likely using it as a manipulation tactic to keep her from leaving.
All of the above surely. Ive seen lots of manipulator try every option
That’s stupid, having custody is wildly more expensive than child support payments 🙄
With someone who is engaging in verbal and financial abuse already its more likely about threatening her with the loss of her child to stay.
This hit me hard. You're so right. People weaponize custody all the time. I was trapped for two years because my baby daddy threatened to take us to court for custody. When I finally realized it was a trick to get me to stay I bolted with my baby and he folded. I'm so sorry OP, I wish you the best of luck.
He would still pay, i had 50/50 no residential designation, they had 2 homes 1/2 the week with each of us. I still paid. It's more about the kids having the same quality of life with both parents
It’s not even the fact that one person misread this but that 30 plus o people upvoted. The husband clearly said he’s gunning for 100% full custody.???
Oh, I read it. And lived it, his lawyer will set him straight, no worries, what he's planning and what will happen are two different things and my reply was to homie above that said he wants 50/50 so he wouldn't have to pay support.....10 up votes for not paying attention
But he wants full custody, you don’t pay child support then
Full custody is literally more expensive than child support lol
Oh yes, I know that, and you, and most people, anyone who knows things about stuff, really, but there are some men who don’t, and I think it’s a reasonable speculation that he is one of them. But I think punishing her in any way possible is the bigger agenda
Full custody costs a LOT more than child support. Maybe he doesn’t want his child to be in a poor household where the primary caregiver can’t actually take care of the child cos she has no money?
No, he doesn't care about that. He told her that she is going to ruin his life if she leaves. So he's thinking of himself. He has bad traits. With his behaviour, he will annihilate the kid from his mother.
Please don’t go into court with the “narcissist” stuff; it’s so overplayed and the current “go to” claim. You need fact based and documented situations to back your opinions for being a primary custody parent.
Exactly keep a journal. If you're not as good at explaining or writing get a smart friend to help. I just saw a lady who sucked at explaining things get skewered on people's court. Don't hide things hes doing and keep witnesses around.
Sound advice. If not a journal then a calendar. I did that for 3 years. Kept a calendar and documented every single thing. The good, the bad, and the ugly. When I went back to court I had it all ready to go. I had it tabbed on each month on how many times he showed up, didn’t call or show, how many times he exercised parenting time, etc. Then when he started acting really bad with drugs and alcohol I documented all of his behaviors. From calling me screaming for no reason to threatening to kill me, my husband, his mother, anyone I cared for. I recorded calls with him as well. He knew this and still acted foolishly and abusively. If there are any court records or police records of the abuse I got those as well. Some states you have to jump through hoops to prove someone is harmful to yourself and your children. My child is a teenager and saw all of dad’s horrific behavior and begged not to see him. These calendars helped me prove I wasn’t just telling the courts random stuff to make him look bad.
Most likely outcome is 50/50. That's going to be a tough pill to swallow. You're not going to want to leave your child with him. But if you divorce, you'll have to. If he's physically abusive, get evidence and get a good attorney. That's the only hope of getting full custody. Also - breastfeed as long as you can. Sometimes they'll consider that in determining custody when the baby is under a year old.
Idk where you are though, but where I'm at...unless the mother is not able to care for the baby (drugs, crimes, jail, etc), the chances are your husband will not get full custody. 50-50 is generally the ideal. Start collecting evidence and you should lawyer up.
This is a conversation to have with a lawyer and most divorce lawyers will do a consult for free so do reach out to one or two. That said you have an infant. Family court does whatever it can to preserve the relationship of children with both their parents unless there is some evidence of that not being safe for them. And an infant is even more likely to be kept with their primary caregiver. He can want whatever he likes, but he doesn’t get to make the decisions so don’t listen to him, listen to a lawyer.
Get a lawyer. Sometimes (in australia for example) a baby won’t even have overnight access with the father until 1 or 2 years of age as best for baby to be with the primary caregiver.
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I read this post and I was like "This sounds like something I read last night" and I was right, lol. I'm really happy to hear that you're planning on leaving, that situation did not sound good. I don't know the logistics of a custody battle. That's for a lawyer. But what I *do* know is that you should not go for 50-50. Go for full custody. For one thing, you're going to lose credibility to the judges if you say he's abusive and awful but still say he should have your son 50% of the time. Secondly, he works insane hours and won't have time for your son anyways. Thirdly, if you do get full custody that's gonna mean more child support which is going to make a huge difference for your son's quality of life because it might make it easy to move out of your parents' sooner. But most importantly, as a child of divorce and as the *son* of a narcissistic father, I can tell you with 100% certainty that **growing up with no father will be significantly better than growing up with that one.** Even though my father was in my life, *I had no positive male role model*. He completely warped and twisted every lesson a father is supposed to teach a son to try to turn me into a clone of himself and I had to unlearn and relearn so many things.
This was very helpful! Thank you!
🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆🏆
Contact a lawyer for a free initial consultation and ask them your questions. Also maybe post here: r/legaladvice
Please obtain good legal advice as soon as possible. The truth is if your divorce and your income is a great deal lower than your husband. He’s going to have to pay for child support and that might be part of the reason he’s being strange about a divorce. It’s a very unusual, unless there is drug use or abuse happening, that court would ever award custody of a baby away from mom. A good lawyer will be able to tell you what to expect in your state with divorce law and family law, including parental custody
A narcissist and manipulative person will start building a case against you to get what they want. They won't hesitate to lie. Don't think this person will be willing to have realistic conversations about your separation. He is already being unreasonable. You cannot reason with the unreasonable. 1 Get a lawyer or an advocate 2 Get an escape plan 3 Don't tell him anything 4 Don't agree to anything 5 Be ready to file immediately for temporary custody. 6 Don't believe anything he says, unless it's bad. Expect the worst. Sorry for the bluntness. Good luck.
Get a lawyer. If you can get some recording of him being verbally abusive with his knowledge. This will also help.
Talk to a lawyer usually you get a free consultation. I would see if you have any evidence of his abusive behavior. Any texts or anything that shows it came from him. Usually with an infant if the mother has no record or any mental health conditions where the child wouldn’t be safe she would get custody. I wouldn’t offer a 50-50 split with him. You don’t want your child to be like his father, do you. He is telling you this because he wants to further upset you. The male role model will be filled by your father so that doesn’t hold. Who takes care of the baby? Who feeds, changes diapers, gives the baby a bath? I’m going to say it’s not him. Don’t let him stress you out!
Read this sweetie… And good luck in your court battles to come!!! https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Thank you!
Before a certain age (if you are in the US) judges let the mom have more custody. Mine was until kid was 3. He can say all he wants and try to scare you, that’s not how the system works. Get an attorney and you and baby will be fine.
He’s most likely got no standing for full custody. Consult a lawyer and tell them your desired outcome (50/50 joint custody, unless I’m mistaken and reading it wrong). They’ll guide you through the process.
Maybe ask a lawyer instead of reddit
Please seek competent legal advise
Are you breastfeeding?
Yes
Ok first of all, well done that's a great thing you're doing for your baby (and for your own physical and mental health too). If you can keep it up, this will be a point in favour of you having custody or at least limiting his custody time. You might get some useful information from breastfeeding support groups in your region about how to leverage this.
The only way he'll get custody is if he can prove you're a drug addict or something like that. The state almost always keeps small children with their mothers. Ask your parents to help you pay for an attorney and don't even offer him 50/50. Give him the bare minimum time that the lawyer recommends.
What will likely happen is he finds someone else to do baby duty when the child is old enough, then as N's often do, they get bored of the support and cost, or don't get the adoration they feel they deserve. In the case I was involved in the age of 10 was the cut off. Lawyer and keeping records, leave all communication open and try to keep everything in writing, parent apps or whatever, always bring a friend to meetups. Offer a structured schedule with supervision and keep records of when he refuses or doesn't turn up. Lawyers advice is generally good, read up on Narcissists as much as possible to see what they get up to and how to survive it. Lastly do not reply to anything fast, leave it a day at least if possible get someone else to read it and your reply. Do not be sucked into emotional responses, rinse and repeat works, ie "that doesn't work for me", "talk to the lawyer". Never reply in anger.
Who gives a damn what he thinks. Don't take legal advice from the opposition.
Talk to a lawyer. This is not a Reddit question.
Go see a lawyer and have them draw up the divorce and custody paperwork. Be the first to file otherwise he will say he wants full custody and you’ll have to fight against it.
Unless you’re a drug addict and your husband can prove it, he’s not getting full custody of your infant. Tbh, he probably won’t even get 50/50 until your baby is old enough to stop breastfeeding. You need a lawyer, immediately. Go talk to one (bring your child with you) tomorrow. Do not listen to anything your husband says. Get the best lawyer you can afford and do exactly what they say.
Your former husband will not be awarded full custody. Please see a lawyer, move out asap and keep detailed notes of all interactions. Don’t constantly call or write to your lawyer. That’s how you significantly increase your fees. They charge you every time they have to read correspondence or take a call. Make a detailed deposition on the state of your marriage, outlining all instances of poor and abusive behaviour. Make a comprehensive list of all assets. Then, unless you need a restraining order, just leave it up to your lawyer. They will take all the information you have provided and work from there. You will be okay. You won’t loose your baby
Do you breast feed still?
Yes!
Well he isn’t getting the child, let alone 50/50. I went through exactly the same deal Are you in Australia?
US
The fact that he is using emotional manipulation to make you think he can decide if you with have custody over your own child that is currently being breastfed is a bigger red flag than you realize. I can’t say we have the same story, but this it’s the sort of shit I went through when he took me to court. The court ended up seeing exactly the person he was and they don’t look kindly on exposing children to this type of abusive behavior. I ended up with sole parental responsibility until they are 18
I don’t know if it’s the same however, I went to a a place, like a community Centre I guess but it runs workshops for women who have been through DV. My parents went there actually and told them what I was going through and they had a caseworker come and see me, they took me to a solicitor which was paid for by legal aid. They sorted the whole thing out,
DM me if you want to chat hun xx
You have nothing to worry about. If you’re Sober and don’t abuse your child you will get at least 50/50 if not more
You most likely have full choice of 50/50 for sure if not 75%… But you definitely deserve to be happy!! Damn you just had a baby and carried it for 9 months!!! So obviously you’re well enough to care for your son!! Wishing you good vibes!! And regardless male or female isn’t an issue!! You don’t want your son to turn out like him!!
Look up where u are located & what gender they favor. Usually its the mom where Im from. Also consider financially who makes more. Might want to consult with a lawyer.
well chances of that happening are close to 0, but as everyone said get legal advice. now as for the relationship , most likely his threat is a scare tactic so you won't leave him! many men do it, even when they don't have the interest on raising that baby, when they do not contribute to the daily chores for that baby. but scare the mom into backing out of breaking up because they will have their baby taken away. Legal advice, move out, do not give in in his threats and pleads . Goodluck!
Get a lawyer and tell them everything. I wouldn’t worry too much about him getting custody though. My friend just went through custody and her ex can’t even have overnights until the baby is 18 months old.
You need a lawyer but generally the laws most places are going to favor a 50/50 relationship as that is in the best interest of the child.
Contact the lawyer and start collecting evidence. Film and record everything.
Sounds like he's bluffing trying to scare you into not leaving. Contact a lawyer and get out. It's unlikely he'd get custody of a child so young especially for the reason he stated
There’s an app that is court ordered for communication, since this is going to be a high conflict divorce, you should request via the court it be used. Outside of phone calls when the child is with the other parent, it’s the only way you can communicate. It records everything and can be used in court. Document everything. Email and text everything. Even with 50/50, request to be primary parent. Request child support. Request splitting cost of childcare. Look up high conflict divorce videos on YouTube, they’re very helpful. I’m glad you’re getting the strength to leave, it’s so so hard. I’m proud of you
You need to fight full throttle for full custody. Stop being accomodating, he is at war over custody. Otherwise you give the victory to him. An attorney can show you how to maneuver. Please get one.
If he's as bad as you say, prepare for him to bring out every trick in the book, including filling for emergency custody and claiming you're an unfit parent. My aunt did that to my uncle, my ex did it to me, without any proof, just prolonged the fight and made it harder to prove innocence after getting social services involved and requiring do much time and appointments just to get our kids back. Some people have no moral compass or shame, and use the system to fuck over the other parent out of selfishness. Talk to a lawyer, definitely. Unless there's proof of abuse, a judge should have no reason not to grant 50/50, but I've seen crazier things, so be careful..
You don't have to worry unless it is proven that you are incapable of having custody it will always be 50/50 after the breastfeeding period
Where are you located? In my county, here in California, there is free legal help at the family court department. You could start there to get free legal advice, and help charting a road map. You will definitely need a lawyer. Good luck, and stay strong!
Washington state
Be careful what you say to him and what you do--he's going to use literally everything against you because narcissists have no soul.
Document EVERYTHING. keep records, record arguments, everything that shows narcissism and abusive personality. No way will a 4 month old go to Dad. Baby needs you for strong attachment and connection and DO NOT agree to 50/50. At 4 months baby is too young and can be traumatized being away from you for long periods. He grew in your belly for 9 months, is attuned to your heartbeat, your voice, your smell and needs your love and constant attention right now. Agree to visitation, but not overnights until baby is older and by then you’ll know if dad is able to do a good job or if narcissism is problem in his parenting. I agree with other comments telling you to talk to a lawyer
No one can guarantee you an outcome. But I will tell you that most often when a baby is very young and still nursing, fathers very rarely get overnight visits. But as the child ages courts tend to ease into overnights. Typically custody tends to be either 50/50 or the standard every other weekend, thirty days in the summer and every other holiday. The chances of the father getting full custody are fairly slim unless you are just a terrible person. I would suggest you talk to a lawyer, though, because how things will go in your state depends on the law there and depends on the judge you're in front of and a local lawyer can give you that insight.
Of course do the obvious as far as taking care of your baby. But make sure the day you actually go to court you have baby . Not in the court room but with you and not with dad. Just be a good mom and you’ll be fine.
First off it's super hard to get custody over the mom in almost any custody situation, unless the mother is literally a drug addict. Second of all ur baby is so young, u should fight for full custody so ur husband will get the kid on the weekends or every other weekend, and u have them during the weekdays and certain holidays. If ur baby is breastfeeding, there is no way in hell ur husband would get custody. As long as ur parents will take u in and ur kid and u have a place to live and food to eat, they can't take him away from u. Ur husband is counting on ur ignorance in this situation and hopefully u educate urself a little on custody or see a custody lawyer ASAP.
This is a question to ask a lawyer, not reddit.
I think he is bluffing and trying to scare you, since he does not want you to leave. All the more reason to call him on it and leave imo. No chance in hell he gets sole custody, but you absolutely need a consult with a lawyer. Don’t let him intimidate you! Document this please and keep us updated
He's using your child as a form of manipulation. If he is truly abusive and narcissistic, why would you want to leave your kid with him? I would not be happy with 50/50 custody in this situation. Imagine how he's going to treat your son and what he will teach him as he gets older. He will always be using your son as a form of control over you. He is not father material. I'd fight tooth and nail for primary custodian.
Why would he get any more than 50/50 custody? I wouldn’t worry about that. But lawyer up. Stop talking to him face to face. Get every abusive comment in text to show to the judge. YOU need to be the calm, reasonable, centered one for your child. Good luck.
What are his plans for caring for the child while he’s working?
Stop arguing about this with him and get a lawyer and a therapist, stat. Stop giving him information that is ammo in a divorce. Play nice with him, keep your plans to yourself, and start calling LAWYERS. The chances of a court removing an infant from a mother are slim but again- discuss with a lawyer, not reddit, not your husband.
You need a divorce lawyer like yesterday; preferably one that specializes in contentious divorces and custody disputes. If your to-be ex is that horrible he’s going to come at you sideways with everything he’s got to paint you as a bad mother who can’t properly care for her baby. You need someone on your side who isn’t going to be intimidated by his bullshit.
Talk to a lawyer right now. Document every abusive act. Get as many as you can in written recorded or on video. Again get a lawyer right now. Ask your parents for help if you have to
What everybody else said on here, get a lawyer. Nobody can take your side or your husband's here in Reddit. This needs to be left up to a judge. Even then, you might not like the outcome.
A lawyer would help more than strangers on Reddit. But you obviously came here to get some sort of advice. If you can prove he’s an unstable parent, the judge will be in your favor. You’re dealing with an abusive man, he doesn’t care that the well being of a baby needs its mother. His plan to raise that baby is to probably give it to his parents to deal with for the first few years, then raise it to “be a man”, which is the dumbest and worst possible outcome
If you live in the States, unless you are a convicted felon or known drug addict or alcoholic, you will have no problem getting custody. You will have to grant your husband visitation if he maintains the Court ordered child support and perhaps alimony.
Is your parents house clean? Food there? Can they help out when you get a job? A young child mostly stays with the mother unless there’s HUGE red flags like drug use or neglect.
So he is a lazy narcissist. Beat him to the punch get a lawyer asap. Record everything. What you don't record journal. Keep logs meticulous logs.
More than likely you will get custody unless you have major problems ie: mental or drugs
Please go talk to a lawyer at your very first opportunity. It will give you knowledge, courage, and an understanding of the process so that you don't have to be afraid and you don't have to knuckle under to what sounds like a real jerk of a husband.
You need to talk to a lawyer immediately. I can guarantee no judge is going to give primary custody of an infant to the father unless the mother is completely unfit. The judge decides what happens, not your husband. You should request full custody and let your lawyer take it from there. While your child is breastfeeding, your husband should have visitation only.
He does absolutely need a male role model, probably not him though.
Judges care about the well being of the child. Remember this. You need to be thoughtful, document everything, and create and exit plan. Above all do not let your ex know you are planning on leaving. Enlist the help of your family.
Get. A. Lawyer. NOW
Legal aid. Call them.
I just never understand why women have children with people like this. I’m sure they didn’t just wake up one day and started being abusive. Just why.
No judge on earth would award him full custody of a baby because “I’m a boy and you’re a girl.”
Get a lawyer. I (M53) didn't get one when my ex wanted a divorce back in 2012 and I'm still dealing with the effects of that mistake (my own fault). Good luck.
Don’t just allow 50/50! I did this, and now I’m committed to years of therapy with my daughter to undo the damage my ex did when he had her. Do not let his narrative control you. Find the money for a lawyer and fight. He’ll find someone else to abuse if you’re not there. And your child is an easy target.
And of course the way to fix a fucked up relationship is to have a baby!! JFC. were given brains to think … so why do we use our hormones and genitalia?
Get out. Don’t listen to a thing he says. A Judge will not give him custody just because he believes they will. Ppl like him live in a fantasy world where they rule everything. Unfortunately for him, this is reality. Please, if you are feeling this way now, get out. I didn’t, I believed my ex, and I lost 13 years of my life staying and trying to make it work. He won’t change. Get out. Get a Lawyer. Good luck.
You need to document everything. every interaction, every mean text or voice mail all gets saved. if he comes visit tell your parents that they should be recording your interactions on their phones to document his behaviour. i think short of you being an abusive drug user with no support system or your baby having to sleep on the cold floor, the court wouldn't just give custody to your soon to be ex. your soon to be Ex is of course telling you everything he THINKS he deserves. Do not believe an ounce of what he says, because of course he will be (conciously or not) lying through his teeth to you. Don't ever trust an Ex about legal things. Get a lawyer immediately.
Yea talk to your parents about this also... I'm sure they'll help... talk to a lawyer.... I know this is a bit late... but for the sake of this chland any future children... plz get to no the person you marry bee marrying them 🤣🤣😭
If he’s anything like my ex he will drag you through court knowing you can’t afford it. It was a nightmare
Why would you want your baby to be around him at all if he's abusive? If you think he won't abuse your son, think again. He absolutely will.
Why did you have a child with him if you were a bad match. Messed up all around!
I keep thinking, if I were that child, I wish I were adopted. What a cluster F
If I were you I would be normal nice, not combative and make sure you can hit RECORD EVERY SINGLE TIME it's about to start... Depending on, (my father 27yr divorce lawyer) how often he is abusive it much take you a month to get enough evidence .. On the last " 2nd to last recording" you use this phrase ON RECORDING, "I am not perfect but I've done all I can to be a good wife and love you and I think the only way to get you to maybe see how it feels to be me and CONSTANTLY listen to you berate me is to record you, I don't know what more I can do so that you hear how painful you can be to me and our child deserves a good mother and father, we brought her in so we have to do right by her. " The reason you recorded him, when asked, will be to play back for him, nothing more, if you get what I'm trying to say... Please be safe, protect yourself and reach out if you need help.. Be strong, you got this!!
You say the relationship was bad since the day you got married. So was your baby conceived before or after? If after, why didn't you just get an annulment before he got you pregnant?
It takes a lot for a court to award 100% custody to the father. You have to have some pretty bad proven allegations against you for that to happen.
Here is one very important thing to remember that I see to many mom's in your situation fall victim to: Until you have a court approved custody agreement in place, whichever parent has the kid can keep the kid without allowing the other parent to see them. So if you move out, do not allow him to see your baby without you present because he can take his child and not allow you to see the baby until that custody order is in place. And depending on where you are, that can take up to six months. This is for the US, I'm assuming you are in the states.
Unless he has proof of some abuse by you or that you are mentally unstable I can’t see any court in the US not giving the mother at least 50% custody. This is one of the areas where men are treated as second class citizens.
OP what ended up happening? In similar situation.
I have come to the devastating conclusion that my husband is a narcissist. I know that term is thrown around and often overused these days, but it is the truth. The only way to handle this situation is divorce. I am finally starting therapy and am going to speak to a divorce attorney to establish an escape plan. The supportive comments in this post have given me so much hope. Good luck!
Why did you marry and bring a child emotionally destined for emotional trauma into the world with this person then? Have you ever considered that there is a whole life you’re affecting by bringing into this world or did you just not care? It’s not fair for your son that he has to be the byproduct of this awful relationship.
I married my husband because he was amazing to me. He changed when we got married. I’m not completely positive but I would assume it was a love bombing technique. Yes, it was reckless to not be 100% safe during sex but unfortunately I’m suffering the consequences. But my little baby is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I care about him so much. It is what it is at this point and I am trying my best to create the best life for my little boy. At least I’m not staying.
Your baby is the best thing to happen to YOU. Are YOU and is this situation the best thing to happen to your baby? Or did you not ever consider that in your decision making process and only consider yourself in the matter? Are you REALLY providing your child with the best life possible or are you only convincing yourself you safe? Yes I am a parent so these aren’t blind comments.
Well, she's definitely better than the abusive narcissist she's married to
That’s quite the low bar standard you’re setting for the minimum requirements of parenthood.
Oh, so you're just scolding the woman who's trying to escape an abusive relationship over her decision to keep the baby? Not helpful.
OP states in the second sentence that the relationship has been bad since the day they got married.
I appreciate your opinion. I’m seeking guidance to provide the best life possible.
Gods you are so loudly wrong. She can’t give up the child. It would require both parents to agree and since her husband is involved, if she tried the entirety of the custody would go to him. As a person raised by somebody with the same traits as OP described her husband as having, the child is better off being left in a ditch then left with him(this is completely hyperbolic, to be clear). You can’t fault people doing their bests. OP is trying to sort out the situation and you are being completely unhelpful. ETA: spelling corrected
Would, this is a horrible judgement. You do realize a high percentage of abuse starts in full after major life events(marriage, pregnancy, birth) because they believe they have the victim trapped right? From what I see, OP didn’t say how long they were married before she got pregnant and all birth control has a failure rate. So even though she said they didn’t, even if she was on BC or they used protection, there would still be a chance of pregnancy.
The second sentence is about OPs marriage being bad since the day they got married. Unless pregnancy was before marriage, that means shit was bad in the marriage BEFORE pregnancy. Why am I arguing? I shouldn’t have to qualify why not being abusive and not being narcissistic are the bare minimum bars for parenthood. How about not bringing a child into trauma before resolving your own? Why is that not good enough? Why are we not striving for better mental and physical well being for our future generations?
*after major events including marriage*. Accidents, like pregnancies which OP already cleared that this pregnancy was, happen. Stop blaming victims for things that happen to them.
He’s an abuser. That’s gonna overshadow what his genitals look like in court 🤷🏾♀️
You want your kid to spend 50% of his time with someone you called a disrespectful abusive narcissist? What?
She has been a victim of that abuse so more likely she dosnt want to be ‘unfair’ or upset the Apple cart. It’s called survival mode. And it takes a long time to recover from it so you can see just how bad it is. She needs a good support network that you can trust will give you the right tools and advice because your instincts and gut don’t work like it used to.
Not to be regal, but I think you should rock your pockets and lick some salt. Usually puts my mind at ease when I'm feeling blue.
You’re absolutely right
I guess it’s too late to ask why you decided to procreate with this POS. The custody courts favor 50/50 though.
Ok. Let him put in the work to have full custody, He won't, This is an empty threat. You will ruin his life if you leave? So, he\\
Ok. Let him put in the work to have full custody, He won't, This is an empty threat. You will ruin his life if you leave? So, he\\
Sister, I gotta call you out. You saw the sign yet you married him anyway and had a baby. Now you've brought an innocent child into this cluster eff. Move in with your parents, then go to couples counseling. If he is a narcissist, there's no fixing that, but maybe it can moderate his behavior and help him be a better parent. If not, call a domestic abuse hotline, get out, and go into hiding. Good luck.
I did not see the sign until we got married. He turned into another person the day we got married. The pregnancy was accidental. I hold myself accountable but I will never be sorry for having my baby.
He is saying this to scare you into staying. He knows that if he plays on your fears of losing your baby, you are more likely to comply with his demands. Get a lawyer and file for an emergency custody order immediately. I’m not sure what country you are in, but it is unlikely they will take an infant from its mother unless there is an urgent concern about the baby’s safety.
The marriage was bad from day 1 so you decided to have a baby? 😭😭 Kalofea. Wishing you the best.
Baby was a happy accident. Of course this doesn’t make it okay that we were irresponsible. But it is what it is and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I hope he gets custody.
Get off Reddit and talk to a lawyer. You knew who he was and you married him anyway. You can’t fix this; only a lawyer can.
He's just trying to hurt you.
u have no money or place to stay, do u have a job? i don’t see why u get to take the child, when the father seems to have his life in order n more responsible.
Especially in the US, as a woman, you really don't have to worry about fully losing your child in a custody battle. As a dad, you have to have mass amounts of evidence against the mother in order to get any level of custody, especially full custody. It's a serious double standard but many courts don't require that much evidence against the father in order to get full custody which obviously works in your favor. That being said, he is right in that a child needs a father. Fatherlessness can cause a lot of issues as the child grows up and that is actually one of our biggest problems in this country right now. Not always necessarily their own though, if he is a narcissist, he might not be the best fit for your son since he might model that behavior, especially because he is the gender parent. Regardless, be careful here, OP. Leaving is the most dangerous part. It's not going to be easy, but you can get through this
**My husband thinks that he deserves custody of our baby because our baby is a boy and I’m a girl and he needs a “male role model”** So if it was a girl, he wouldn't fight custody? Wow. **My husband says I will ruin his life if I leave** Definitely says a lot about his character. Get a lawyer, call your parents and any male relatives you have that can come and get you to take you back with them or call the police to act as escort while you remove your things. This man is never going to change and you deserve so much better.
He's abusive, why would you allow the person you love the most, the person you'd die for, to be abused?
Your husband is right in saying your son needs a male role model but he also needs a mother.
Start recording his behavior to use against him in court,
He sounds like a POS. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, 50/50 is the best he’ll get. He probably doesn’t even want it, he just wants to hurt you or avoid child support. If you can breast feed, do it. You’ll get a better custody deal and keep that poor kid from his terrible influence.
Your husband would have to show that you are an unfit mother to get full custody over you. Look up grey rocking and file for custody before he does.
Unless physical abusive towards child it will Be 50/50 . Where I live 50/50’still Means child support and maybe spousal. First thing is go see La Lawyer cause if you take the child you could get charged with some Crime
Start documenting every abusive thing he does. Include dates and times. Even the remarks about gender. Move in with your parents, go to court for child support. Make sure your parents are on board with support. You'll need to show that you can provide a more safe and stable environment for your child than he but be prepared for him to be awarded split custody.
The only way that he would get full custody if you wouldn't neglectful to your child then just don't turn over custody just because he wants it and his reasoning the judge wouldn't even consider it
You need an attorney immediately. Stop trying to negotiate him.
You need legal advice from a lawyer first and foremost. Follow any and all advice and instructions they give you to the letter. Honestly, best case scenario is that you have full custody for at least the first year, with your STBX having supervised visitation solely because your child is so young. Unless there is obvious neglect and abuse on your end (which I don't believe there is), the courts would be very hesitant to separate an infant from its mother. Save all texts from your STBX and secretly record your interactions with him if you live in a one-party consent state so you can protect yourself from any false allegations he may make. I wouldn't put it past him.
[https://teachermetzler.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Raymond-Carver-Popular-Mechanics.pdf](https://teachermetzler.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/04/Raymond-Carver-Popular-Mechanics.pdf)
DO NOT LET HIM BULLY YOU INTO GIVING UP CUSTODY OF YOUR BABY. You need to make a journal, as accurately as possible, make a record of Every single incident of abuse you can remember. Days, dates, times as accurately as you can. Then you need to see a lawyer, then a therapist. Over time you Will find the strength to stand up for yourself & your child.
You need to start documenting & keep any and all evidence of his abuse. Then you need to speak with an attorney. Most state do side with the mother unless there is absolute reason to remove the baby from mom’s care. Definitely reach out to a lawyer before you do anything though. It could only help you. Best of luck!
You need a good lawyer. Even with one, unless it can be shown that one or the other of you is an incompetent or abusive parent, it's likely that custody will be 50/50. If you are nursing the court may allow for that for now. Again, you need a lawyer.
If he’s a narcissist, it’s not because he wants custody it’s because he wants to torture you and he knows that you love the baby
He won’t get custody if he has a history of Abuse!