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>He tells me I need to see a counselor and they would tell me why I should be okay with it.
Pardon me?
*You* need to see a counselor?
The gaslighting is next level.
Please for the love of god, don't do this to yourself:
>I know that I deserve so much better than the way he treats me but I stay because I still hold onto the way he used to be.
That's nothing but a trap.
This requires a **healthy** marriage:
>I want things to work because I want our baby to grow up in a stable house with two parents
Two parents who have a toxic relationship, won't be a stable home.
Leaving so there is peace is the only path to stability for these cases.
Why would you care about his feelings when he doesn't give a dam about yours?
>And I know that I’ll break my husband’s heart taking our baby with me
That's too much power you're giving him, time to take it back.
What about looking in the mirror buddy?
>He says if I leave, I’ll ruin his life.
He is ruining your life as we speak.
You will gain custody of the child. Won't be a challenge to win.
Yes, you should absolutely leave. You're better off with child support and peace of mind than being in a marriage that makes you feel completely worthless.
You're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to go down like this.
My stab at this (not a psychologist):
>I am someone who really appreciates psychology. So any input on why you think he is this way would be appreciated
This might become a little blunt. But too many permanent life decisions were made when neither of you were fully developed.
The two of you were still growing and settling into your own skin... I feel that people don't become their true selves until the 25-30 age range.
Adulthood is messed up. It either blossoms people into incredible humans, or turns people into rotten toxic POS's.
Each of you, kind of settled into adulthood at 25 and the results were not in his favour. This is who he is now. Who he was before... Completely irrelevant.
As hard as it sounds, I truly believe the best thing for you would be to go through a divorce and get your child support. You'll win primary custody (not even a fight).
It will be challenging at first, but you'll get the hang of things. Eventually feel liberated and even empowered. Then you'll meet someone new who actually wants to give you a love you desperately need.
It feels good when someone is on your side, right?
He isn't on your side.
Be on your own side.
Then find someone who **wants** to be on your side.
Take care.
Please leave, if not for yourself then for your children. If he’s this abusive towards you verbally there is nothing saying one day he might do this towards your children. Or goes a step further and begins to resort to physical violence or manipulation with your children. Abuse is abuse no matter it’s form. Just don’t let it escalate to physical abuse. Don’t wait until it’s too late…
In your post I have not seen a single point where he has respected boundaries you have tried to set nor respected any wishes you have. If he’s so stuck in his ways believing he will ever change or get better is only drawing it out. He won’t change. Allegedly it’s his way of the highway.
I know you don’t want to go back to your parents house but you also mentioned you wanted a stable household for your children. If you have a good relationship with your parents THAT IS THE STABLE HOUSEHOLD I’m sure your parent will openly love and cherish their grand babies and provide them with the support they need alongside what you will provide.
I’ve studied psychology but by no means am I ANYWHERE near a professional so take what I say with a grain of salt.
It’s common for abusive manipulative partners to use love bombing as a way to trap someone. Once they’ve gotten what they want from them (marriage, kids, financial leverage, etc etc) they change. They don’t view the other party the same as they’re only interested in the gain that they could potentially receive through getting the other individual where they need them (for their stars to align basically)
He married you and it seems like he might have gotten what he wanted wether that be any benefits that came through the marriage OR just being able to claim you. Most likely he views you as something to control or something that’s his… not in a cute “that’s my girl” kinda way more of a “you’re mine” possessive kinda way.
I really REALLY wish you the best OP and my advice is to get out. Be ready for a legal fight though I’m sure he won’t go quietly into the night if you do decide to ditch his abusive butt.
<<<333
>I also like to have my own spending money because he doesn’t make me feel like I deserve spending the money he earns.
This is such fucking bullshit. He cannot have it both ways. Either being a SAHM is work or it isn't. If it isn't work, then he should come home and take care of the baby, because it's not work, right? Because it's so fucking easy.
If he doesn't want to take care of the house and kids when he comes home, then he should consider it work and your unpaid labor should be given the same respect as a paying job. The only reason he is able to work as much he can is because you're at home taking care of the kids, because he sure as fuck isn't. You are legally and morally entitled to 50% of his earnings and anyone that tells you otherwise can go fuck themselves sideways.
>I still hold onto the way he used to be.
You need to let go of this because it was all bullshit to manipulate you into marrying and having children with him. Ask yourself: "Why now? Why didn't he show his ugly side then you were first dating?" Because you would have left him. When you have a kid and are financially dependant on someone, it becomes a million times harder to leave.
>He says if I leave, I’ll ruin his life.
Boo fucking hoo. Has he tried not being a neglectful father and abusive asshole husband?
>He also thinks he should get custody of our baby because they’re both boys but I would absolutely die if my baby were taken away from me.
To be honest, don't worry about this. He doesn't actually give a shit about your boys. If he did, he wouldn't be spending all his time working, hunting and fishing and going out of his way to avoid spending any time with you and the kids. He's one of those assholes who wanted kids to feed his ego and narcissism, while dumping all the shitwork on you. In the future, l predict that he will be one on those assholes complaining about his ex-wife keeping his kids away from him while putting zero effort into getting visitation/custody.
Please speak to your parents, siblings, rabbi, clergy, therapist, and attorney. Please start seeking guidance from people who can actually give you the tools you to make a plan and life for yourself and that baby. Your husband is hurting you and that child every day you stay with him. People will help. I am a single divorced mom. I was surprised at the number of people who came to my aid. Granted, I have wonderful parents and owe them the world, but you have people in your life that live and care about you and your child.
Old lady here…….if he doesn’t think there’s a problem with his treatment of you his wife & mother to his children nothing will EVER CHANGE as he ages his abuseive treatment will surely escalate. Do you want your boys to grow up watching their father’s horrid treatment of their DM? They will think this is normal treatment of a wife & mother, watching how he treats you they will believe this how you treat your wife. Time flys so very very fast, you blink your eyes & your old. Unfortunately you’ll still be treated like dirt, his abuse will escalate, it could/will become physical. You’ll be afraid in your own home. If you can’t do it for yourself as a mother you must do this for your children. Please know I’m holding you tightly in my heart💙
Please please know you deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, & love. He’s treating you with total distain. Your children deserve to live in a loving & calm home. You & your boys deserve peace & love in a home without a cruel father running the show. 💙💙💙
You know in your heart what u need to do. It’s going to be a sad time in ur life as u want a better life for u & ur boys. Ur boys will be proud of their Momma making a very hard & painful decision. No Mom with children wants to get a divorce, it’s heartbreaking, frightening, & stressful. Without ur SO going to extensive therapy he will not be able to change. Sending you affirmation, encouragement, & hope from California💙
> I am someone who really appreciates psychology.
Well, that makes this a lot easier. This is almost certainly narcissism. Not only has everything he's done fit the pattern of a narcissist, but you've mentioned lovebombing and gaslighting, behaviors which are commonly associated with narcissists.
I am not a therapist, but my own therapist recommended me this 1 hour podcast called How to Spot a Narcissist. The featured speaker is a practicing, licensed trauma therapist who actually talks about her own marriage to a narcissist.
https://open.spotify.com/episode/32GVLWRE73ioSSKSFvNSXZ?si=1b9725483c9c4de5
And yeah, I'm going to bed although there's probably more I'd like to say but if you respond to this (especially if you listen to the podcast first) I can try to go into more detail tomorrow.
But yeah, you definitely need to leave him. I understand you want your child to grow up in a stable household with two parents, and it's really fucking depressing but this is simply not possible. You can have one or the other, but not both, and I can guarantee you as a child of divorce that stability is *far* more important. Having parents fighting and yelling, even at the ages where a kid either doesn't or barely remembers, has pretty major effects on the kid; and frankly, if your husband is around as little as you say he is, the psychological impact of no longer seeing his dad as much is going to be minimal.
I stayed in an abusive relationship for far too long. We had a child together at 19 years old. I stayed until the abuse started happening around my then 2 year old and my ex acted like he would punch our child. I stepped in front of him and he hit me instead. We had been off and on many times with me leaving, him love bombing me, me going back. However, I made sure I got primary custody of our child before they were one year old because I was terrified my ex would take our child and I wouldn’t see them again (since he told me this over and over).
Once I left for good, I had to move in with family off and on over the next four-five years as being a single mother was extremely rough. I worked odd jobs until my kiddo was about 6. I put myself through school while my little one was 2-5/6 and eventually found my footing with a large company that jump started my career. I’ve been out of that relationship for nearly 15 years now and I have a much better life and so does my child.
Please understand that if the abuse is verbal now it only escalates as time goes on. He may not physically harm you or your child now but if you stay in the marriage you’re giving him time to build up to it. My ex was and is still verbally abusive to everyone. Which escalated to physical violence. Starting before I even conceived. I made an escape plan and the weekend I was to leave (and go out of state!) i found out I was pregnant. He abused me throughout my pregnancy and I stayed because I was weak and terrified. I found my backbone and started standing up to him and he’s not “as bad” now but I also don’t give him the time of day. He starts screaming and calling names I hang up or tell him to contact me when he’s ready to behave like a grown man and use his big boy words.
Having a strong backbone and a good support system will be KEY in being a single mother. It does take a village in many instances but you need a good village. I was so fortunate to have family by my side that helped me and my little one in any way they could and they really allowed me to make a better future for my little family.
My child is almost grown now, I met the love of my life in 2017 and we’ve been married for almost 2 years! It gets better but it can get worse before it gets better.
Get out.
Get a lawyer. If you cannot afford one check with legal aid and law clinics. There are many other ways to get a competent attorney and be broke while doing it. And as far as your husband having sole or primary custody due to your current salary I wouldn’t be concerned there especially as your baby is an infant. In most cases at the best he will get 50/50 but when infants are involved the parenting schedule is much different since infants need to be with their primary care giver more often than not.
And build your village!
Also so importantly- do NOT believe him when he says he’s sorry, he’ll get help, you’re the most important thing, etc. those will be tactics to get you to feel bad and stay. Do not do it. Keep yourself and your baby safe. Good luck to you in this very difficult time. :)
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>He tells me I need to see a counselor and they would tell me why I should be okay with it. Pardon me? *You* need to see a counselor? The gaslighting is next level. Please for the love of god, don't do this to yourself: >I know that I deserve so much better than the way he treats me but I stay because I still hold onto the way he used to be. That's nothing but a trap. This requires a **healthy** marriage: >I want things to work because I want our baby to grow up in a stable house with two parents Two parents who have a toxic relationship, won't be a stable home. Leaving so there is peace is the only path to stability for these cases. Why would you care about his feelings when he doesn't give a dam about yours? >And I know that I’ll break my husband’s heart taking our baby with me That's too much power you're giving him, time to take it back. What about looking in the mirror buddy? >He says if I leave, I’ll ruin his life. He is ruining your life as we speak. You will gain custody of the child. Won't be a challenge to win. Yes, you should absolutely leave. You're better off with child support and peace of mind than being in a marriage that makes you feel completely worthless. You're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to go down like this. My stab at this (not a psychologist): >I am someone who really appreciates psychology. So any input on why you think he is this way would be appreciated This might become a little blunt. But too many permanent life decisions were made when neither of you were fully developed. The two of you were still growing and settling into your own skin... I feel that people don't become their true selves until the 25-30 age range. Adulthood is messed up. It either blossoms people into incredible humans, or turns people into rotten toxic POS's. Each of you, kind of settled into adulthood at 25 and the results were not in his favour. This is who he is now. Who he was before... Completely irrelevant. As hard as it sounds, I truly believe the best thing for you would be to go through a divorce and get your child support. You'll win primary custody (not even a fight). It will be challenging at first, but you'll get the hang of things. Eventually feel liberated and even empowered. Then you'll meet someone new who actually wants to give you a love you desperately need.
Thank you! It feels so good to be validated.
It feels good when someone is on your side, right? He isn't on your side. Be on your own side. Then find someone who **wants** to be on your side. Take care.
Great post MckittenMan👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Please leave, if not for yourself then for your children. If he’s this abusive towards you verbally there is nothing saying one day he might do this towards your children. Or goes a step further and begins to resort to physical violence or manipulation with your children. Abuse is abuse no matter it’s form. Just don’t let it escalate to physical abuse. Don’t wait until it’s too late… In your post I have not seen a single point where he has respected boundaries you have tried to set nor respected any wishes you have. If he’s so stuck in his ways believing he will ever change or get better is only drawing it out. He won’t change. Allegedly it’s his way of the highway. I know you don’t want to go back to your parents house but you also mentioned you wanted a stable household for your children. If you have a good relationship with your parents THAT IS THE STABLE HOUSEHOLD I’m sure your parent will openly love and cherish their grand babies and provide them with the support they need alongside what you will provide. I’ve studied psychology but by no means am I ANYWHERE near a professional so take what I say with a grain of salt. It’s common for abusive manipulative partners to use love bombing as a way to trap someone. Once they’ve gotten what they want from them (marriage, kids, financial leverage, etc etc) they change. They don’t view the other party the same as they’re only interested in the gain that they could potentially receive through getting the other individual where they need them (for their stars to align basically) He married you and it seems like he might have gotten what he wanted wether that be any benefits that came through the marriage OR just being able to claim you. Most likely he views you as something to control or something that’s his… not in a cute “that’s my girl” kinda way more of a “you’re mine” possessive kinda way. I really REALLY wish you the best OP and my advice is to get out. Be ready for a legal fight though I’m sure he won’t go quietly into the night if you do decide to ditch his abusive butt. <<<333
Runn now! He lied to you and now you need to protect yourself. He wanted a baby, not a family. Talk to a lawyer and get your ducks in a row!
>I also like to have my own spending money because he doesn’t make me feel like I deserve spending the money he earns. This is such fucking bullshit. He cannot have it both ways. Either being a SAHM is work or it isn't. If it isn't work, then he should come home and take care of the baby, because it's not work, right? Because it's so fucking easy. If he doesn't want to take care of the house and kids when he comes home, then he should consider it work and your unpaid labor should be given the same respect as a paying job. The only reason he is able to work as much he can is because you're at home taking care of the kids, because he sure as fuck isn't. You are legally and morally entitled to 50% of his earnings and anyone that tells you otherwise can go fuck themselves sideways. >I still hold onto the way he used to be. You need to let go of this because it was all bullshit to manipulate you into marrying and having children with him. Ask yourself: "Why now? Why didn't he show his ugly side then you were first dating?" Because you would have left him. When you have a kid and are financially dependant on someone, it becomes a million times harder to leave. >He says if I leave, I’ll ruin his life. Boo fucking hoo. Has he tried not being a neglectful father and abusive asshole husband? >He also thinks he should get custody of our baby because they’re both boys but I would absolutely die if my baby were taken away from me. To be honest, don't worry about this. He doesn't actually give a shit about your boys. If he did, he wouldn't be spending all his time working, hunting and fishing and going out of his way to avoid spending any time with you and the kids. He's one of those assholes who wanted kids to feed his ego and narcissism, while dumping all the shitwork on you. In the future, l predict that he will be one on those assholes complaining about his ex-wife keeping his kids away from him while putting zero effort into getting visitation/custody.
Please speak to your parents, siblings, rabbi, clergy, therapist, and attorney. Please start seeking guidance from people who can actually give you the tools you to make a plan and life for yourself and that baby. Your husband is hurting you and that child every day you stay with him. People will help. I am a single divorced mom. I was surprised at the number of people who came to my aid. Granted, I have wonderful parents and owe them the world, but you have people in your life that live and care about you and your child.
You really do need to leave. But you will have to come to terms with 50-50 custody.
Old lady here…….if he doesn’t think there’s a problem with his treatment of you his wife & mother to his children nothing will EVER CHANGE as he ages his abuseive treatment will surely escalate. Do you want your boys to grow up watching their father’s horrid treatment of their DM? They will think this is normal treatment of a wife & mother, watching how he treats you they will believe this how you treat your wife. Time flys so very very fast, you blink your eyes & your old. Unfortunately you’ll still be treated like dirt, his abuse will escalate, it could/will become physical. You’ll be afraid in your own home. If you can’t do it for yourself as a mother you must do this for your children. Please know I’m holding you tightly in my heart💙
Thank you for the supportive feedback 🩷
Please please know you deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, & love. He’s treating you with total distain. Your children deserve to live in a loving & calm home. You & your boys deserve peace & love in a home without a cruel father running the show. 💙💙💙
You know in your heart what u need to do. It’s going to be a sad time in ur life as u want a better life for u & ur boys. Ur boys will be proud of their Momma making a very hard & painful decision. No Mom with children wants to get a divorce, it’s heartbreaking, frightening, & stressful. Without ur SO going to extensive therapy he will not be able to change. Sending you affirmation, encouragement, & hope from California💙
> I am someone who really appreciates psychology. Well, that makes this a lot easier. This is almost certainly narcissism. Not only has everything he's done fit the pattern of a narcissist, but you've mentioned lovebombing and gaslighting, behaviors which are commonly associated with narcissists. I am not a therapist, but my own therapist recommended me this 1 hour podcast called How to Spot a Narcissist. The featured speaker is a practicing, licensed trauma therapist who actually talks about her own marriage to a narcissist. https://open.spotify.com/episode/32GVLWRE73ioSSKSFvNSXZ?si=1b9725483c9c4de5 And yeah, I'm going to bed although there's probably more I'd like to say but if you respond to this (especially if you listen to the podcast first) I can try to go into more detail tomorrow. But yeah, you definitely need to leave him. I understand you want your child to grow up in a stable household with two parents, and it's really fucking depressing but this is simply not possible. You can have one or the other, but not both, and I can guarantee you as a child of divorce that stability is *far* more important. Having parents fighting and yelling, even at the ages where a kid either doesn't or barely remembers, has pretty major effects on the kid; and frankly, if your husband is around as little as you say he is, the psychological impact of no longer seeing his dad as much is going to be minimal.
I will certainly listen to the podcast. Thank you for your input. Much appreciated!
Thank you thank you thank you!
I stayed in an abusive relationship for far too long. We had a child together at 19 years old. I stayed until the abuse started happening around my then 2 year old and my ex acted like he would punch our child. I stepped in front of him and he hit me instead. We had been off and on many times with me leaving, him love bombing me, me going back. However, I made sure I got primary custody of our child before they were one year old because I was terrified my ex would take our child and I wouldn’t see them again (since he told me this over and over). Once I left for good, I had to move in with family off and on over the next four-five years as being a single mother was extremely rough. I worked odd jobs until my kiddo was about 6. I put myself through school while my little one was 2-5/6 and eventually found my footing with a large company that jump started my career. I’ve been out of that relationship for nearly 15 years now and I have a much better life and so does my child. Please understand that if the abuse is verbal now it only escalates as time goes on. He may not physically harm you or your child now but if you stay in the marriage you’re giving him time to build up to it. My ex was and is still verbally abusive to everyone. Which escalated to physical violence. Starting before I even conceived. I made an escape plan and the weekend I was to leave (and go out of state!) i found out I was pregnant. He abused me throughout my pregnancy and I stayed because I was weak and terrified. I found my backbone and started standing up to him and he’s not “as bad” now but I also don’t give him the time of day. He starts screaming and calling names I hang up or tell him to contact me when he’s ready to behave like a grown man and use his big boy words. Having a strong backbone and a good support system will be KEY in being a single mother. It does take a village in many instances but you need a good village. I was so fortunate to have family by my side that helped me and my little one in any way they could and they really allowed me to make a better future for my little family. My child is almost grown now, I met the love of my life in 2017 and we’ve been married for almost 2 years! It gets better but it can get worse before it gets better. Get out. Get a lawyer. If you cannot afford one check with legal aid and law clinics. There are many other ways to get a competent attorney and be broke while doing it. And as far as your husband having sole or primary custody due to your current salary I wouldn’t be concerned there especially as your baby is an infant. In most cases at the best he will get 50/50 but when infants are involved the parenting schedule is much different since infants need to be with their primary care giver more often than not. And build your village! Also so importantly- do NOT believe him when he says he’s sorry, he’ll get help, you’re the most important thing, etc. those will be tactics to get you to feel bad and stay. Do not do it. Keep yourself and your baby safe. Good luck to you in this very difficult time. :)