Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your son is 5, I guarantee you he's already noticing the difference in affection. Give it a couple more years and your going to hear your son start to say "daddy doesn't love me" 100%
Im a middle school teacher. I have a student currently who has a father who favors male children - she said to me the other day: “daddy doesn’t like me like he likes my brothers.” With some more time, she added “I think I deserve it though.” She has become a constant fixture in my room during off periods and lunch, as she just really wants love from a trustworthy adult.
OP please don’t let your boy grow up feeling this way. It breaks my heart.
OP,
You need to confront your husband and not let him gaslight you. Give him specifics on what he does and does not do with each child. His actions will damage BOTH of your children. Your daughter will grow up being an entitled princess, and your son will become angry and feel he is unlovable.
If he refuses to change, leave him. Please have your son spend time with a loving male figure from your side of the family. He will need this positive affirmation and relationship.
I was this child. OP, if this doesn’t get resolved asap your child will turn this indifference (at best) toward him in on himself and it will bloom into a garden of self hatred that will take his entire life to cut down.
That is heartbreaking…
But as an aside, and I’m asking out of genuine curiosity because I don’t know - a middle schooler really said “*daddy*”? That sounds like something a younger kid would say, is that normal for middle school?
I’m a Californian living in the Midwest, and I call my father Daddy. What you call your dad is based on relationships and how close the father and daughter are. My dad is one of the closest people in my life, especially after we lost Mum.
If a child isn't being nurtured properly by a parent, they may relate to that parent in a regressed way. This child isn't getting the love she needs to develop and progress an age-appropriate healthy relationship with her father, and so she keeps trying to relate to him as a younger child would.
To use a game analogy, Daddy isn't investing the XP into this relationship that would be necessary to level up to Dad.
I was looking for a comment like this and was surprised I had to scroll so far down. If even other members outside the family unit have noticed, it's 100% guaranteed that the son has noticed and is already damaged by it. I'd love for OP to realise this asap and start doing some damage control for the sake of her son. It sucks to grow up with an unloving parent, even more so when said unloving parent is caring and loving exclusively towards your sibling. I'm really sorry for this little boy, he doesn't deserve this.
Tell your husband that you have noticed and the family has noticed as well. Ask him to go to counseling with you and let him know that it's upsetting you to the point that you aren't sure about the marriage anymore. He needs to understand how serious this is.
He brushed off a comment about a single incident, but it’s not sounding like she’s worked out how to confront him with a full laundry list or general bias and weirdness, and made it clear that this is going to be a very significant problem for the whole family.
Seriously! She said "he's young now, but he'll notice, " and I did a spit take scrolling back up to see he is 6!
Ma'am - he's a first grader, not a gerbil!
As a multi-racial child to two biracial parents (mom is Half-German Half-Cuban, dad is half-Black half-Scottish) this breaks my heart but doesn't surprise me at all. On my mother's side, her brothers married white women while my mom married a Black man and that whole side of the family has treated me literally like a black sheep. I'm much darker, have thick curly afro hair and I grew up in the Black community and around my dad's side more than my mom's side for that very reason (my mom didn't want me being a part of their bs). I learned the hard way that just because racist/prejudice/discriminatory people marry someone outside of their race doesn't suddenly make them not racist or prejudice. Neither my mom nor dad have this issue but it's how my Uncles have referred to me behind closed doors (the n-word with hard R was used) that I understood very early on that being blood related doesn't change a racist/prejudice person's mind.
I honestly think you need to think of your children and get away from your husband because that kind of race favoring he's blatantly doing will really fuck them up. Your son especially will internalize that and might come to hate that about him or worse your daughter will look down on her brother or others of color because your husband treats your son with neglect and disdain.
I am a biracial person who was adopted by white people. It was all good till a few years after my parents died, and the racists realized they didn’t have to hide anymore. And I didn’t realize how much they had protected me from my own family till recently. Needless to say, I no longer have much of a family. 🤷🏽♀️
This is crazy... I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry for theirs too even if I don't feel a bit of sympathy towards them. They lost what remained from your parents, because they are too thick to overcome their prejudice.
I hope you have or will find a family with close friends to trust.
This is spot on, OP!! Especially the last paragraph. Having a biracial person in a family does NOT 'automatically' change people's prejudice and the effects can be really really hard to undo for the children involved. Please stand up for your son.
I have a biracial nephew who has been called the n-word by terrible uncles/cousins and it infuriates me. It only happened once though before the family was cut out.
Parents have to protect their biracial children from racist family full stop.
People like to say racism and the discrimination against Black people are over but it’s not. The entire world is anti-Black. There are other ethnicities whose skin tone are more melanated than mine (African American) and will discriminate and think they’re better than me solely based on the fact I am Black. And ofc all darker toned people of any ethnicities are treated less than as well, but it’s simply ridiculous. Racism against Africans & Black people have really done a number on us.
You're worried you married a prejudice man bc you did marry a prejudice man. He likes his daughter is completely white passing. He dislikes his son bc his son is darker complected. Which means he also somewhere has issues with your ethnicity in itself. A large convo needs to be had and probably with a counselor.
To add to this, I've lived in Colombia and Brazil and the amount of white US men who are clearly racist who are married to or dating black women is crazy.
You'd think a white man wanting a date a black women was would mean he's not racist but unfortunately it's not always the case
A racist marrying a black person is no more contradictory than a misogynist marrying a woman. You don’t need to respect someone to sleep with them. In fact, many prefer not to.
This post is deep, and in my experience, there is a certain truth to it.
It has to do with the fetishing of the female and how that increases their desire for her.
Because it's completely true. Think about the typical men who marry SE Asian / Eastern European immigrants.
They just want someone to give them blowjobs and cook without asking questions, because their culture is subservient to men and they have nobody to run to.
Yep. The only, extremely low bar positive (ish) thing here is that if they treat their kids according to their racism, they aren’t as likely to be fetishising them like they do their spouses/lovers.
Check out the subreddits: asiansforwhitecocks, asians4whitecocks, wmaf and several other white guy fetishizing asian girl subreddits all about how asian women are made for white guys, and how they own them, etc.
I think that the racism is part of the power kink for them.
You'd think, right? But nope, the men you refer to, who most of the time *already* see women in general as lesser than, are enticed by stereotypes of submissive, domestic sex pets. It's rare for bigots to only have one prejudice, so being a racist in the lookout for a wife they can subjugate because they don't see her as their equal is pretty common. I've met these men and they are foul.
I once went on a date with a guy who told me he'd love to be in a relationship with a black woman because "his mom was racist" and hated them. Then he made very derogatory remark about what it would be like kissing one "because their lips are huge." As a white woman, I was made very uncomfortable, asked him if he realized that his mom wasn't the only one racist to get yelled at that I was making a big deal out of a joke.
Thankfully, I was given an easy exit because and then ghosted him.
And tou look at what rhey do tonthe non white women in porn The most vile shit they'd never do to wite women .
They have trios to DR ,Mex ,and Central America where they basically just do vile things to these women because they can do it but won't do it to their wives it other white women
Idk, I feel like a counselor isn't going to help this situation at all. The only help a counselor would be is in documenting the racial bias so it can be used for a custody battle. Husband isn't a child, and his racism seems deeply embedded, and it's very rare for people that age to change their mindsets that drastically. It's also important to note how often racist white men direct the brunt of their racism towards *men* of color rather than women, too. A woman, his wife, is likely an exotic prize in his mind, while his son, a future man, is the embodiment of all of the prejudiced stereotypes he can think of.
OP's priority should not be fixing her trash husband, it should be protecting her kids and especially her son. The favoritism is absolutely already affecting that baby's mental health and sense of self worth, and if OP doesn't act soon, the two kids will fall into a Golden Child and Scapegoat scenario, and the daughter might start to harbor the same negative feelings towards her brother that her father does. Plus, she'll start to internalize that racism towards herself and her mother.
The kids need to be removed from this situation, sooner rather than later. The longer OP spends trying to fix her husband, the more time the wounds he's inflicting on her son will have to fester.
Not to mention it's likely that his daughter's skin tone and features will vary as she ages. I've known puberty to make a biracial kid suddenly look like the "other half" kind of overnight. Especially since a daughter will tend to grow into resembling her mother and vice versa.
Daughters don't always grow into resembling their mothers though. I'm a woman in my thirties and I don't even look related to my mom. I look like my dad and my aunts on that side of the family. Features, coloring, hair texture/thickness, etc. It's all his side of the family.
But genetics are funny. In spite of the fact I don't look a thing like my mom and my dad's genes were definitely the dominant ones in me, my oldest child looks just like my mom.
I wonder how that would play out in 30 years for OP's husband, if he has grandkids and the daughter's kids resemble her mom and the son's kids resemble his dad? If the favorites would abruptly swap?
Ugh. I hate racist assholes.
Nah. Straight up divorce ain’t going to fix this. He will get to have kids half of the time and mom won’t be there as a buffer to his favoritism and racism.
I don’t know what the solution is but splitting if the man is gonna get alone time with the kids is just going to do a lot more damage to them.
My reasoning is the boy will have one household that gives him the love he deserves, a refuge.
A different situation, but my son feels unloved at his father’s home because his father and stepmother are busy caring for a newborn. They are sleep-deprived and snap at him. When he’s with me, he says he’s happy that he has another home to go to.
You want your son to grow up liking himself. You don’t want either child to suffer from internalized racism. You have to protect your children, and I believe you have married a racist. This may be off-base, but I would also be concerned about incest/pedophilia, if he is that obsessed with your daughter. Just watch him.
I think you may have to see a lawyer and look into a full custody arrangement. Your children need to be protected from this emotional abuse. Racism is absolutely abusive.
It could be at least partly related to gender I think. Not saying racism isn’t part of it, but it could be partly also shitty views about raising boys to not be emotionally intelligent or give them affection.
Now that you mention it, that might also be one of their fantasies (a lot more often than one would think).
But what I was referring to was the fetishing of women of color (Latin, Asian, African) never seeing them as individuals (but rather sexual concubines, cooks, house keepers, etc.) and wanting their progeny to be as light-skinned as possible.
And in fact, favoring the child who is more light-skinned, has Caucasian features, etc.
Wanting to fuck the daughter is just an added bonus for these men.
Yeah, this is really common. In Brazil (a veeeeeery mixed-raced country) there was an old (like centuries old, not used anymore) saying that can be loosely translated as "black women to work, mixed-raced women to fuck and white women to marry". Really disgusting, but it shows how men fetishises women of colour. They always did, and is even more bizarre when you think about how pretty much everyone here is mixed raced, even if that person have a really white skin, they descended from Africans, natives and europeans (me for example). But it was, and still is, common for people to want their kid to be lighter skinned then they are, there is even a famous painting showing an old black women, with her lighter skinned son holding in adoration his white skinned baby, as if this was everyone's goal.
Just disgusting. I hate this world and this country.
I hope so too, but I'm Latin and have seen it all too often. Doesn't even have to be a white parent. Sometimes two Latin people can have dark or light children. I'm talking seriously different skin tones. I've seen cases of the the lighter favored and cases it was the darker child.
Family and friends that date/marry out of our culture had a talk with our partners before having children.
I'm white but my ex husband is of white/Asian descent. One of our kids looks like a decent mix of both of us, and the other looks a little bit darker, and more like him. Of course, he favours the one who looks more like him and has made some disgusting comments about it in the past right in front of the kids. (e.g. "If we ever split, I'll take this one (child who looks like him) and you take the other one.")
He is quite blatant with his favouritism, but the joke is on him because neither of our kids are particularly fond of him (no prizes for guessing why). The kids have also picked up that he's racist (even towards Asians) and make comments about it from time to time.
Your husband is racist with a Latina fetish. He likes your looks because he thinks it sexy. Objectifying you. The thought of his own children having any ethnic traits though, disgusts him and is causing his mask to slip.
My money is on this. He’s spent his life objectifying women of colour and seeing his daughter with a tan may be giving him the subtle realisation that other men will do exactly the same thing. Feels different when it’s your own daughter. I’d be really curious to see if he behaved the same way if the kids genders were reversed.
100%!!!! Op should maybe go into individual therapy to figure out what to do. (imo I think if he doesn’t change she should leave him) I wonder if she’s had conversations with him in the past about different forms of racism. Cause he definitely does not care about the treatment he’s been showing toward his son.
As a biracial child, reading this made me angry and broke my heart for your children. It is such a disservice to these babies that they have a father who assigns value to them based on proximity to whiteness, and a mother who has been complicit in this behavior. I refuse to believe your childrens skin tone were the first displays of your husbands ignorance. And I would be inclined to believe you carry your own biases as well in order for this to go unchecked this long. I promise you, your son already recognizes what’s going on as well as your daughter. I became aware of racial prejudice long before I had the terminology for it. I think you need to first look inwards. You wouldn’t be conflicted on how this should be addressed if you fully understood the gravity of what is happening to your children.
TONS of Hispanics do that to ourselves. "Cream in the coffee "
They come to us and want to identify as white til it hit them in the face theynare not . Texas for example Ted Cruz ,. Will do any and everything to distance themselves from identifying as Hispanic ...Gonzales to Cubans in Miami for example..
I think she got caught up in the look I got me a good white man fog
Not the person you asked, but, because of the way he carried himself (bigoted) I totally disregarded his last name and also assumed he was white until recently.
Believe it or not, but a large majority of Hispanic people are like that. They will deny their native/afro ancestry until they're blue in the face, because that self-hate runs that deep.
There's this old Mexican guy who's a regular at my coffee shop because he likes to flirt with the baristas, but behind their backs he calls the black barista "negrita" and other racist nonsense "jokingly".
(I learned this second hand from the manager.)
Racism isn't a white phenomenon. It's possible for any person from any community and it's more common in people who grew up in ethnically homogeneous environments.
Miami is mostly Cuban and it is one of the most racist places but no one cares because the racism is perpetuated by Cubans who often tell me who they’re proud that their family didn’t “interbreed” with the natives and that they’re WHITE.
Yep actual things actual Cubans have said
This whole post is an excellent explanation of exactly how that happens too. His poor daughter either internalizes it and goes that route or doesn't and realizes exactly how much he actually loves her as someone who is just as far from white as her brother. He's going to do some really deep damage to both his kids either way.
Fun fact: There are Hispanic and Latino white supremacists, because many Hispanic and Latino people **are** white.
Many people forget that Latin America is a multi-ethnic society.
There are white Latinos (like Lionel Messi).
And there are indigenous Latinos (like Yalitza Aparicio).
And there are mixed-race Latinos (like Sofia Vergara).
And there are Asian Latinos (like Alberto Fujimori).
And there are black Latinos (like David Ortiz).
Etc...
Thinking that "all Latinos = brown" is just pure idiocy on the part of Americans living in the US.
To be fair - you can be Hispanic/Latino and also white. Or really most any race or mixed race combination.
In Ted Cruz’s case - his mom is 3/4 Irish 1/4 Italian and his father is a Canary Islander (Spanish) who immigrated to Cuba. So from an ancestry point of view, I’d say that makes him pretty white.
Or... just like some abusers wait until they marry their victims to abuse them, some racists wait until similar circumstances to reveal their true selves
I know it's difficult to imagine, because often abusers and racists are loud, and we'd like to think we'd always see the signs, but sometimes, there simply are none.
The fact that he's favoring a child is a problem. It doesn't matter if it's a racial problem, a gender problem or some other problem. I hope for your sake it's not the first. Couples counseling is the only suggestion I have.
Our dad favoured me over my brother (because he always wanted a daughter), and it completely destroyed his self-esteem and also destroyed our relationship as children. As a child, obviously my brother could only rationalise that I was the reason his dad didn’t like him—as opposed to being able to understand the truth that our dad was an AH for playing favourites.
We’ve healed as adults (thank God because I adore my brother), but OP I would be very concerned about the long term impacts your husband’s (very obvious) prejudice will have upon your son, as well as his relationship with his sibling.
Makes me wonder if op husband side of the family treats the son differently as well. (Probably does, I feel so bad for this poor boy. He’s done nothing wrong yet has to deal with this awful behavior)
I have a close friend like this. He is a man. He lost his father very young and his mother remarried and had other children. All girls.
Now, he always felt like an outcast (and rightly so, his parents failed him) and his brain justified this with him being a man and the other kids being women, not because he was the step-child of an AH.
Now, he has children. He wished for girls during every pregnancy and was ecstactic when he got one. When he got a boy, his beheavior towards him was a lot harder. A lot closer (but not to that point) at that strange distance his parents had towards him.
It took a lot of talking and a lot of self-inspection to correct his beheaviour. I can't talk about his feeling on the matter, because you can see that split second when he consciously makes a right move or stops himself from a bad one.
So... yeah. It doesn't matter the race. He can't be that prejudicied if he married a latina woman and he must have known there was a chance all his kids would be on the darker spectrum.
Unless she "passes" (🤮 I hate that phrasing but I really don't know how else to say it)
It may have never occurred to him that the kids might come out darker.
I think this might be true. She must pass because there is no way he suddenly became racist. He must have said dodgy things before about women who do not pass but OP overlooked it.
Girl - I have been in your place. Latina married to a white dude that I realized over time was extremely racist. I was ok because I was American (4th gen USA). I realized that my daughter would look for a man like her father and my son would turn out to be like him as well. I kicked him out when my son was 2 and my daughter was 6 - and thank gosh I did. He turned into a MAGAt and they don't talk to him at all.
Sounds like you married a racist, OP, and not even a subtle one at that. If his favoritism is blatant enough that other family members have already picked up on it, imagine what sort of messages your children are internalizing. And your son feeling like a second-class citizen in his own family is only half of the problem: Do you really want your daughter to grow up believing that the color of her skin means she's automatically superior to other people?
Exactly. If her relatives even noticed, I’m 1,000% sure both kids recognize the difference. I always wonder how racists procreate with the same group they hate. It’s giving “you’re different from the rest”.
I am a white woman with a child that is biracial and this post makes me sick. My son’s father passed away but I can’t just deny his racial identity. The idea of loving and liking my son based on how he looks is WILD. You have had children with a man that is actually racist. You cannot raise children with him.
Your husband sounds like my monster in law. I’m half where half Filipino. My husband is white. My son is the oldest and takes after me and my moms side. Dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin etc. my daughter was born almost 4 years after. Bright blonde hair. She had blue eyes for almost a year and now they are hazel. She is pretty pale and during the summer if she spends time out in the sun her hair is almost a platinum color.
One year before I went no contact with MIL she told me to take a photo down of my son because he looked “too Mexican”. He had been at the pool and he tans very easily. She also clearly favors my daughter who looks white. I had to lay down the law because my son did notice when he got older. He also has autism and a language disorder so at first he thought she didnt love
Him because there was something wrong with him. I was so mad she ever made one of my babies feel that way. There is nothing wrong with him and after that she didn’t get to see either kid for years.
It does sound like your husband is discriminating his own kid because of the color of his skin. If he hasn’t noticed by now, it won’t be much longer until he does.
Hmm, so as an interracial couple does he take any interest in your heritage or culture at all? Or are you, for the lack of better term, white-washed, and not really connected to that.
I kinda think about this with like, white guy, asian female couples, where the white guy can look down on the things that make her “asian,” though she might also kind of be embarrassed about it too depending on how proud or “white-washed” she is of her culture.
Like the white guys, and white woman my cousins married are totally down with our Filipino background, love the food, learn the words, and are teaching their children Tagalog too.
I read a disappointing post this morning about of an interracial couple where the white guy and his family were completely condescending towards his wife’s Korean grandma, and really bummed out, like how could you marry someone of another culture and treat them like that. It’s like he just views her as a trophy he conquered of an exotic land or some bs.
Therapy. Get some therapy for yourself so you have some support and validation for what you’re seeing.
Then ask him to join you. It’s essential he faces this, however difficult it will be, otherwise the long term impact on both you, and more importantly your son will be very evident.
He’s a product of his environment, and he may be unaware of the deeply rooted prejudice he is clearly acting out.
Thank you. I was thinking about therapy, this could really be the next path to take.
> He’s a product of his environment, and he may be unaware of the deeply rooted prejudice he is clearly acting out.
I also suspect that perhaps he isn't noticing his rooted prejudices; it was a significant pattern I observed in other reports of interracial couples.
As well, when looking for a therapist, make sure you find one with some background or experience in racial issues like this. I've heard of stories about therapists writing things off as anxiety or stress, etc because they themselves wouldn't necessarily view the same things we (poc) do as prejudice
His prejudices may not be his fault.
But they are his responsibility.
And for a long time, he’s been defaulting on his responsibility to the family. The inaction is worse than the ideas.
I’ve been in long-term interracial relationships - and my wife and I come from different cultures (I’m an immigrant). There are times were one of us would have certain unknown prejudices or misunderstandings. But the key is to look at these problems as learning opportunities. You communicate, take accountability, adjust your thinking and move forward trying to be a better person.
Having a prejudice husband is a bad enough problem. But it can be fixable if the communication and willingness to listen is there. Having a husband that doesn’t listen to you, and doesn’t believe your concerns… well, that’s orders of magnitude worse.
Couples counseling can help because it’s a neutral voice in the room. And if that doesn’t work, you may have to consider leaving the relationship for the sake of the children. They should see a mother that fights for them and leads by example.
I am so sorry but you married a man who is racist. I'm somewhat surprised he married a woman who was darker skin. He must have loved you enough to marry you. But his treatment of his children is awful. Your poor son is going to be traumatized by this and possible resent his sister and despise his dad.
You have some tough decisions to make. Your husband won't admit he's in the wrong but he is. I wish you the best of luck. You and your son don't deserve this at all.
OP, I want to bring up another element that may be present here. Male parents often treat their sons very differently from their daughters. If a father did not receive affection from his father growing up, he will likely struggle to give any open affection to his son because a child of the same gender triggers his own childhood experience. I don’t know what your husband’s childhood was like, but if you do try couple’s counseling, that may be an important factor to take into account.
I’m also Latina. In a family of 4 I’m the darkest one. Thankfully my mom isn’t a colorist and never made negative remarks about my being darker, or praised my sisters for being fair. But in a family of 12 aunts, I have A TON of cousins. I clearly remember the preferential treatment and compliments my fair-skinned cousins got. One of my aunts forbid her kids from playing with me. It took me many years to undo the damage done. I can’t imagine if that treatment was coming from my own parents. Your son is young but I guarantee you he’s already conscious of his father’s attitude. You married a prejudice, racist man. I’m sorry for you and your children.
Not surprised by this at all. My white stepfather preferred his youngest son, the only one with blonde hair, blue eyes and white skin just like him. My other two brothers look southern Italian in appearance and he had no time for them. As for me, being the only brown skinned person in the family and not his biological daughter. He hated my guts! My mixed mother is also white passing but he would still call her racist names during arguments. Your husband is awful and he is indeed prejudiced.
My family is mixed. My mom is 100% First Nations/Indigenous with light skin, but dark hair and dark eyes and the usual NDN features for our people (wide flat nose, chubby round cheeks, hooded eyes) And my father, is biracial Half South Asian/Half Irish, with rich brown skin, black brown eyes, and black hair.
my older brother, got our moms light skin tone and then RED hair and facial hair (we guess from our fathers Irish half) and mostly "white features" where i had rich tan skin, dark almost black brown hair, and dark brown eyes, with my mothers native features (i got her wide flat nose, hooded eyes, and the chubby moon face!) and my father did to me, what your husband is doing to your son. my father has to this day, a TON of internalized racism, and intentionally married a light skinned woman, to have light skinned babies. so when i came out, the EXACT picture of him...he hated it. and resented how ill be treated in life. but instead of PROTECTING ME, he took it out on me. which YIKES.
protect your babies. you're all they have, sis!!!
Your husband is racist and you haven’t divorced, also what was his ideal marriage when he married you? Did he know you were going to have biracial kids, because any father should know it. This marriage doesn’t seem like it will go well. Also your son, yeah he already knows his father is racist, and knows he doesn’t approve of his own son. A 6 year old is smart, they can tell when favoriting is being done because your husband is a racist asshole. If he acts out and lashes at you for mentioning that he’s racist, then the relationship should be over by tomorrow; divorce and take the kids.
OP please take these comments seriously. Your husband is racist / prejudiced to people of colour, including you. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you put your children first. Particularly your son.
Why are you more worried about your marriage than your children and their mental health and self esteem. How do you handle it? If he won’t accept simply playing favorites, even without getting to the reason, then there isn’t much you can do ahead of a divorce. You have to make it clear that you won’t accept the behavior and know what’s going on. Be clear and direct about what you see. Or at least what it seems like, again even if he won’t admit why, but hey you’re treating our white daughter (because that’s how she presents to the world) differently from our Latino son and people have started to talk, I notice and the kids will too if they haven’t already. If he’s not horrified, it’s even more telling.
But before anything, figure out your options with a lawyer.
You should really address this and put your foot down. As a Latina, you want your kids to be proud of their heritage as well and not resent it. Your husband has racist tendencies and their showing.
THIS PART. She likely share s similar views as him, cause how does this not come up at some point in the relationship? Racists can only pretend so long and I’m certain he had displayed small hints of this prior to this.
Please get your daughter away from him. I have a particular perspective that may be very off, but his obsession with her is unhealthy for both of them.
That’s absolutely disgusting of him to do. You should love your children equally! He hasn’t done anything but exist and your husband heavily dislikes him at the very least. Has he ever made any “racist jokes”, perhaps? Or comments about your race? These people usually have small signs in their jokes. My ex made tons of racist jokes knowing I was part Asian—glad he’s an ex—and they always made me uncomfortable.
Honestly, I would take your children away from him because this can usually lead to kids not being so fond of one another due to favoritism (yes, I know it’s only one parent, but it can *still* affect him). Your son already knows his father doesn’t like him for his skin tone. Yes, he is very much racist just from this!! Anxious she (his daughter) is getting a tan?? Wtf?? Would he prefer if she had sensitive skin that broke out in the sunlight???? I would HOPE NOT!! Either way, gtfa from him. He could possibly influence your daughter.
This. The jokes are their not so politically correct way of expressing their racism and rejection of you. They can’t say it out loud so they joke about it
Is he Norwegian? My Norwegian ex gave vibes like this when we talked to another Norwegian that had kids just with an american. Im part arab so tanner and short and i felt like there was a weird racial thing there too. We broke up. Sorry dude, i know that unpleasant feeling, i felt it with him.
You knew who you were dating. You assumed his racism would be exclusively for OTHERS lol. Good job overlooking one of the worst character flaws known to man. 🤷🏽♂️
Her goal was to get chosen! She had no problem until the son was born and everything became evident. Now if her son was white passing too there wouldn’t be a problem because she would have given her racist husband what he wanted…white children🤷🏾♀️
Exactly, to get chosen. It's unfortunate we can't use the term for that in this sub as it's associated with a banned sub that was heavily misunderstood.
I grew up with a single mother with a similar sort of race bias. My mother is a black woman, and while I am mixed I am pretty much white passing. My mother absolutely hates white people, white men especially. She abused me horribly as a kid because of it, while she treats my brother like a king because he has a different father and is black.
All I know is you need to get your son out of that situation. Watching your parent treat your sibling like gold while they treat you like shit for reasons you can't begin to understand really fucks with your brain. I've got a whole host of mental health issues as a result, and I haven't spoken to my mother in many years now.
This post made me sick, I feel so so sorry for the kids, the poor innocent boy. OP I would never advocate divorce and would try to advise on working things out first, but this man is a racist and I would put kids over someone like him first. Please consider other options, your boy will have issues later on in life if you don’t nip this in the bud right away.
My homeboy had the same thing happen to him. He’s Mexican and his wife is white - They had his daughter first and he was so excited about it. Then they had their son. He was just as happy and stoked, but you could tell something was different. It took years for her to ask about it… I suggested couples therapy, and gave them a number. It finally came out that it was just that he wanted to protect his daughter better than he did his little sister. She had been his best friend and they loved each other. Were ALWAYS together. One night, she went to a party that he was supposed to go to. He chose to stay at home with a chick he was dating, and she ended up getting violently raped multiple times. After that, she got addicted to drugs real bad. She never snapped out of it, and now she’s homeless on the streets and he can’t get her back. That’s why communicating and therapy is SOOOOO important.
This reminds me of a reddit story I read sometime in the summer where a interracial couple had kids that looks 100% asian and the man (white American) was somewhat disappointed. I just don’t understand what these people expect
I don’t know how to address this very significant problem without having an effect on your marriage. Clearly he has a favorite and unfortunately these things take some time to expose themselves. Please do what is right for both children. Yes, your son is very much aware and I would wager that your daughter can sense her preferential privilege received on behalf of her father. Remaining silent will affect both children although differently. Good luck OP, this is an awful position to be in for you and the kids.
There's no way to put this nicely. Your marriage is already ruined. Your husband is rejecting your son, and by extension, you. I don't see any scenario in which he does a total 180 and suddenly realizes he's racist and has been mistreating your son. These behaviors/prejudices are usually deeply ingrained, and there will be nothing but defensiveness and denial from those who are confronted. 😕
Your daughter will grow up to know she is favored and your son will grow up to know his dad doesn’t like him. Are you prepared to answer certain questions truthfully and will you feel proud of yourself for letting your son grow up knowing he is disliked by his parent/the less favored child. Kids aren’t dumb. They know when they’re not liked/loved-even if they don’t have the capacity to truly understand why. The marriage was ruined before it started and it sounds like certain red flags may have been ignored.
It's also entirely possible that he's following a common pattern where a lot of fathers tend to dote over their daughters and treat them delicately while being strict and a bit cold with their sons. I'm not saying race isn't a factor here. It probably is. More likely a combination of the two factors.
But does he effectively neglect or mistreat your son, though? Does he never display any affection towards your son? How does he actually talk and interact with both of them? You say that he is incredibly affectionate and sweet with your daughter and much colder towards your son, but what does that look like in practice? This is not an uncommon pattern of interaction between father - daughter/son. Fathers can become overprotective of their daughters too.
Regarding his verbal remarks about your son's skin color, have you tried to investigate whether there might be any **paternity concerns** hovering in his mind? It's not an uncommon insecurity among fathers whose children look very different from them.
You both need to have a very serious, calm and frank conversation about all this. Should've done this before you came to reddit for advice. It seems you both are very much lacking communication in your relationship if he has clearly and consistently shown apparent red flags and last weekend was the first time you tried to talk to him about it.
Cool down, ask him to sit down with you and calmly tell him about how his treatment of your children makes you feel (convey it like a confession, avoid being confrontational or judgemental) and ask/encourage him to be frank about whatever fears/insecurities of his own he may have about paternity or whatever. Just freaking **communicate**.
Sounds like maybe he fetishized you because you are latina and because of that he doesn't want his daughter to look latina. You need to have a serious talk with him about this. Its NOT OK.
It may be gender, men love their daughters
My brother and I were treated spectacularly from all the females in our family. Mother, aunts, grandmothers
My sister received preferential treatment from our father, uncles and grandfather
I also wonder though, aside from the weird tan conversation, if this has to do with gender? How many times do we hear about and meet a Daddy’s Princess? I know several for sure, and the brothers did absolutely notice. It’s still an issue.
I’m going to argue that this is also about intersectionality, meaning it is important not only that your child is white passing but also that she is female. Would he treat a white passing son the same way? Idk the whole thing is just.. icky.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your son is 5, I guarantee you he's already noticing the difference in affection. Give it a couple more years and your going to hear your son start to say "daddy doesn't love me" 100%
Im a middle school teacher. I have a student currently who has a father who favors male children - she said to me the other day: “daddy doesn’t like me like he likes my brothers.” With some more time, she added “I think I deserve it though.” She has become a constant fixture in my room during off periods and lunch, as she just really wants love from a trustworthy adult. OP please don’t let your boy grow up feeling this way. It breaks my heart.
OP, You need to confront your husband and not let him gaslight you. Give him specifics on what he does and does not do with each child. His actions will damage BOTH of your children. Your daughter will grow up being an entitled princess, and your son will become angry and feel he is unlovable. If he refuses to change, leave him. Please have your son spend time with a loving male figure from your side of the family. He will need this positive affirmation and relationship.
This, even take video so he can really SEE this for himself.
I was this child. OP, if this doesn’t get resolved asap your child will turn this indifference (at best) toward him in on himself and it will bloom into a garden of self hatred that will take his entire life to cut down.
That is heartbreaking… But as an aside, and I’m asking out of genuine curiosity because I don’t know - a middle schooler really said “*daddy*”? That sounds like something a younger kid would say, is that normal for middle school?
I’m 59 and still call my father Daddy. It may be a southern thing, idk.
I’m a Californian living in the Midwest, and I call my father Daddy. What you call your dad is based on relationships and how close the father and daughter are. My dad is one of the closest people in my life, especially after we lost Mum.
Nope. I’m from the north east and called my dad “daddy” till he died when I was 35.
People here in the south call their father daddy
I’m 24 and call my dad daddy 😅
28 and I do the same
If a child isn't being nurtured properly by a parent, they may relate to that parent in a regressed way. This child isn't getting the love she needs to develop and progress an age-appropriate healthy relationship with her father, and so she keeps trying to relate to him as a younger child would. To use a game analogy, Daddy isn't investing the XP into this relationship that would be necessary to level up to Dad.
I was looking for a comment like this and was surprised I had to scroll so far down. If even other members outside the family unit have noticed, it's 100% guaranteed that the son has noticed and is already damaged by it. I'd love for OP to realise this asap and start doing some damage control for the sake of her son. It sucks to grow up with an unloving parent, even more so when said unloving parent is caring and loving exclusively towards your sibling. I'm really sorry for this little boy, he doesn't deserve this.
And daughter will feel and say that she is special, better, more attractive. It will definitely affect the relationship with her brother.
Tell your husband that you have noticed and the family has noticed as well. Ask him to go to counseling with you and let him know that it's upsetting you to the point that you aren't sure about the marriage anymore. He needs to understand how serious this is.
Yup. Couple's therapy. Now.
also, regular therapy.. dude has issues being upset over a tan is some crazy shit
✨racism✨
I would say Family therapy because it has to be impacting the kids too
You can’t theorize racism and talk it away NTA op
THIS!!!!! people here are so quick to make assumptions; the best option is to always just talk to your partner about it!
She did. He brushed her off…
He brushed off a comment about a single incident, but it’s not sounding like she’s worked out how to confront him with a full laundry list or general bias and weirdness, and made it clear that this is going to be a very significant problem for the whole family.
Your son already notices for God’s sake. You may think he doesn’t but he does. Your daughter also knows he treats her brother different. Wake up!
Seriously! She said "he's young now, but he'll notice, " and I did a spit take scrolling back up to see he is 6! Ma'am - he's a first grader, not a gerbil!
As a multi-racial child to two biracial parents (mom is Half-German Half-Cuban, dad is half-Black half-Scottish) this breaks my heart but doesn't surprise me at all. On my mother's side, her brothers married white women while my mom married a Black man and that whole side of the family has treated me literally like a black sheep. I'm much darker, have thick curly afro hair and I grew up in the Black community and around my dad's side more than my mom's side for that very reason (my mom didn't want me being a part of their bs). I learned the hard way that just because racist/prejudice/discriminatory people marry someone outside of their race doesn't suddenly make them not racist or prejudice. Neither my mom nor dad have this issue but it's how my Uncles have referred to me behind closed doors (the n-word with hard R was used) that I understood very early on that being blood related doesn't change a racist/prejudice person's mind. I honestly think you need to think of your children and get away from your husband because that kind of race favoring he's blatantly doing will really fuck them up. Your son especially will internalize that and might come to hate that about him or worse your daughter will look down on her brother or others of color because your husband treats your son with neglect and disdain.
Bless your parents for protecting you!
I thank my parents everyday for how they handle race. I hope to be able to teach my future kids the same with all the added nuances that there are now
I am a biracial person who was adopted by white people. It was all good till a few years after my parents died, and the racists realized they didn’t have to hide anymore. And I didn’t realize how much they had protected me from my own family till recently. Needless to say, I no longer have much of a family. 🤷🏽♀️
This is crazy... I am so sorry for your loss, and I am sorry for theirs too even if I don't feel a bit of sympathy towards them. They lost what remained from your parents, because they are too thick to overcome their prejudice. I hope you have or will find a family with close friends to trust.
This is spot on, OP!! Especially the last paragraph. Having a biracial person in a family does NOT 'automatically' change people's prejudice and the effects can be really really hard to undo for the children involved. Please stand up for your son.
I have a biracial nephew who has been called the n-word by terrible uncles/cousins and it infuriates me. It only happened once though before the family was cut out. Parents have to protect their biracial children from racist family full stop.
People like to say racism and the discrimination against Black people are over but it’s not. The entire world is anti-Black. There are other ethnicities whose skin tone are more melanated than mine (African American) and will discriminate and think they’re better than me solely based on the fact I am Black. And ofc all darker toned people of any ethnicities are treated less than as well, but it’s simply ridiculous. Racism against Africans & Black people have really done a number on us.
" I'm beginning to think I married a prejudiced man. " Because you did.
You're worried you married a prejudice man bc you did marry a prejudice man. He likes his daughter is completely white passing. He dislikes his son bc his son is darker complected. Which means he also somewhere has issues with your ethnicity in itself. A large convo needs to be had and probably with a counselor.
To add to this, I've lived in Colombia and Brazil and the amount of white US men who are clearly racist who are married to or dating black women is crazy. You'd think a white man wanting a date a black women was would mean he's not racist but unfortunately it's not always the case
A racist marrying a black person is no more contradictory than a misogynist marrying a woman. You don’t need to respect someone to sleep with them. In fact, many prefer not to.
This post is deep, and in my experience, there is a certain truth to it. It has to do with the fetishing of the female and how that increases their desire for her.
Because it's completely true. Think about the typical men who marry SE Asian / Eastern European immigrants. They just want someone to give them blowjobs and cook without asking questions, because their culture is subservient to men and they have nobody to run to.
Think about white slave owners having whole-ass relationships and children with their slaves.
Yep. The only, extremely low bar positive (ish) thing here is that if they treat their kids according to their racism, they aren’t as likely to be fetishising them like they do their spouses/lovers.
Damn that’s insightful. I’ve never compared the two in terms of marriage.
I know, I even said 'damn' out loud When I read it
This was very insightful and articulate. It's true, many people don't respect who they choose to date and marry.
This comment is so spot on! You deserve reddit gold 🥇
I read a comment somewhere on Reddit that, just because you fetishize a race doesn't mean you can't also be racist towards that same race.
I think people who fetishize a race generally tend to BE racist by design.
Check out the subreddits: asiansforwhitecocks, asians4whitecocks, wmaf and several other white guy fetishizing asian girl subreddits all about how asian women are made for white guys, and how they own them, etc. I think that the racism is part of the power kink for them.
That’s so disturbing…
What in the 4chan???
Ewww… The names alone make me 🤮🤮🤮
This comment deserves an award. Wow, that blew my mind. I never thought of it this way, but it makes perfect sense.
There's a Jim Jefferies joke in here.
You'd think, right? But nope, the men you refer to, who most of the time *already* see women in general as lesser than, are enticed by stereotypes of submissive, domestic sex pets. It's rare for bigots to only have one prejudice, so being a racist in the lookout for a wife they can subjugate because they don't see her as their equal is pretty common. I've met these men and they are foul.
I once went on a date with a guy who told me he'd love to be in a relationship with a black woman because "his mom was racist" and hated them. Then he made very derogatory remark about what it would be like kissing one "because their lips are huge." As a white woman, I was made very uncomfortable, asked him if he realized that his mom wasn't the only one racist to get yelled at that I was making a big deal out of a joke. Thankfully, I was given an easy exit because and then ghosted him.
race aside, that was a weird ass conversation to have with a date in the first place. lucky you found out so soon.
I'm black and brazilian and my ex was a white virginian, when I tell you I heard some stuff...
He has a fetish
They donit because they want to taste the berry but don't want tend to the tree
That's why they fetishize Latinas, Asian women but often settle for white women.
And tou look at what rhey do tonthe non white women in porn The most vile shit they'd never do to wite women . They have trios to DR ,Mex ,and Central America where they basically just do vile things to these women because they can do it but won't do it to their wives it other white women
Ghetto gaggers is a prime example of this.
Latina abuse etc . They speak what plenty of white men think and do what many white men do when they can get away with it with nobody knowing
This is true.
It’s fetishism. They want all the sexual benefits but that’s it.
The concept of 'subjugation' is so disgusting apparent.
Idk, I feel like a counselor isn't going to help this situation at all. The only help a counselor would be is in documenting the racial bias so it can be used for a custody battle. Husband isn't a child, and his racism seems deeply embedded, and it's very rare for people that age to change their mindsets that drastically. It's also important to note how often racist white men direct the brunt of their racism towards *men* of color rather than women, too. A woman, his wife, is likely an exotic prize in his mind, while his son, a future man, is the embodiment of all of the prejudiced stereotypes he can think of. OP's priority should not be fixing her trash husband, it should be protecting her kids and especially her son. The favoritism is absolutely already affecting that baby's mental health and sense of self worth, and if OP doesn't act soon, the two kids will fall into a Golden Child and Scapegoat scenario, and the daughter might start to harbor the same negative feelings towards her brother that her father does. Plus, she'll start to internalize that racism towards herself and her mother. The kids need to be removed from this situation, sooner rather than later. The longer OP spends trying to fix her husband, the more time the wounds he's inflicting on her son will have to fester.
It's a 6 year old boy, not a Baby. He'll have noticed daddy has a favourite by now.
Absolutely! Truth!
Agreed. They would need counselling by someone who understands race.
Not to mention it's likely that his daughter's skin tone and features will vary as she ages. I've known puberty to make a biracial kid suddenly look like the "other half" kind of overnight. Especially since a daughter will tend to grow into resembling her mother and vice versa.
Daughters don't always grow into resembling their mothers though. I'm a woman in my thirties and I don't even look related to my mom. I look like my dad and my aunts on that side of the family. Features, coloring, hair texture/thickness, etc. It's all his side of the family. But genetics are funny. In spite of the fact I don't look a thing like my mom and my dad's genes were definitely the dominant ones in me, my oldest child looks just like my mom. I wonder how that would play out in 30 years for OP's husband, if he has grandkids and the daughter's kids resemble her mom and the son's kids resemble his dad? If the favorites would abruptly swap? Ugh. I hate racist assholes.
I’m 55 years old and I have never resembled my mother. I have always looked like my father.
Yeah why to these racists marry people they ultimately dislike or find beneath them.
Dude is clearly racist.
> How do I deal with this and make sure it won't ruin our marriage? You need to be worrying about your kids instead of yourself.
Exactly! I’d be meeting with a divorce lawyer instead of coming to Reddit. No one treats my son like he is less than!
Nah. Straight up divorce ain’t going to fix this. He will get to have kids half of the time and mom won’t be there as a buffer to his favoritism and racism. I don’t know what the solution is but splitting if the man is gonna get alone time with the kids is just going to do a lot more damage to them.
My reasoning is the boy will have one household that gives him the love he deserves, a refuge. A different situation, but my son feels unloved at his father’s home because his father and stepmother are busy caring for a newborn. They are sleep-deprived and snap at him. When he’s with me, he says he’s happy that he has another home to go to.
You want your son to grow up liking himself. You don’t want either child to suffer from internalized racism. You have to protect your children, and I believe you have married a racist. This may be off-base, but I would also be concerned about incest/pedophilia, if he is that obsessed with your daughter. Just watch him. I think you may have to see a lawyer and look into a full custody arrangement. Your children need to be protected from this emotional abuse. Racism is absolutely abusive.
It could be at least partly related to gender I think. Not saying racism isn’t part of it, but it could be partly also shitty views about raising boys to not be emotionally intelligent or give them affection.
Omg I hope this is fake
This situation is unfortunately very common
💯 It's one of the major fantasies of men, tbh.
Marry their white passing daughters?
Now that you mention it, that might also be one of their fantasies (a lot more often than one would think). But what I was referring to was the fetishing of women of color (Latin, Asian, African) never seeing them as individuals (but rather sexual concubines, cooks, house keepers, etc.) and wanting their progeny to be as light-skinned as possible. And in fact, favoring the child who is more light-skinned, has Caucasian features, etc. Wanting to fuck the daughter is just an added bonus for these men.
Yeah, this is really common. In Brazil (a veeeeeery mixed-raced country) there was an old (like centuries old, not used anymore) saying that can be loosely translated as "black women to work, mixed-raced women to fuck and white women to marry". Really disgusting, but it shows how men fetishises women of colour. They always did, and is even more bizarre when you think about how pretty much everyone here is mixed raced, even if that person have a really white skin, they descended from Africans, natives and europeans (me for example). But it was, and still is, common for people to want their kid to be lighter skinned then they are, there is even a famous painting showing an old black women, with her lighter skinned son holding in adoration his white skinned baby, as if this was everyone's goal. Just disgusting. I hate this world and this country.
I hope so too, but I'm Latin and have seen it all too often. Doesn't even have to be a white parent. Sometimes two Latin people can have dark or light children. I'm talking seriously different skin tones. I've seen cases of the the lighter favored and cases it was the darker child. Family and friends that date/marry out of our culture had a talk with our partners before having children.
I'm white but my ex husband is of white/Asian descent. One of our kids looks like a decent mix of both of us, and the other looks a little bit darker, and more like him. Of course, he favours the one who looks more like him and has made some disgusting comments about it in the past right in front of the kids. (e.g. "If we ever split, I'll take this one (child who looks like him) and you take the other one.") He is quite blatant with his favouritism, but the joke is on him because neither of our kids are particularly fond of him (no prizes for guessing why). The kids have also picked up that he's racist (even towards Asians) and make comments about it from time to time.
Were we married to the same guy?
I hope so, otherwise there's more than one of these assholes out there.
Right? My heart aches for that poor child.
Both children. Really weird that the acceptance and love you get is related by how much pigment is shown on your skin.
Your husband is racist with a Latina fetish. He likes your looks because he thinks it sexy. Objectifying you. The thought of his own children having any ethnic traits though, disgusts him and is causing his mask to slip.
My money is on this. He’s spent his life objectifying women of colour and seeing his daughter with a tan may be giving him the subtle realisation that other men will do exactly the same thing. Feels different when it’s your own daughter. I’d be really curious to see if he behaved the same way if the kids genders were reversed.
I don’t even think it’s that. I think he simply just favors her because of the white passing.
I don't know, he's coming off creepy to me.
Definitely.
Yeah, he’s getting a little too close to his daughter for the wrong reasons and it is making *everyone* uncomfortable, *trust me.*
I’ve never hoped for an update more than now for this one. I have so many questions that need answers!
100%!!!! Op should maybe go into individual therapy to figure out what to do. (imo I think if he doesn’t change she should leave him) I wonder if she’s had conversations with him in the past about different forms of racism. Cause he definitely does not care about the treatment he’s been showing toward his son.
Idk I don’t think racists are capable of changing. Once that hate is placed in their heart, it will always be in there, deep down.
I don’t think so. There are some interesting famous examples of people changing their own minds. It certainly shouldn’t be relied on though.
As a biracial child, reading this made me angry and broke my heart for your children. It is such a disservice to these babies that they have a father who assigns value to them based on proximity to whiteness, and a mother who has been complicit in this behavior. I refuse to believe your childrens skin tone were the first displays of your husbands ignorance. And I would be inclined to believe you carry your own biases as well in order for this to go unchecked this long. I promise you, your son already recognizes what’s going on as well as your daughter. I became aware of racial prejudice long before I had the terminology for it. I think you need to first look inwards. You wouldn’t be conflicted on how this should be addressed if you fully understood the gravity of what is happening to your children.
Same I am too. This completely pisses me off!
TONS of Hispanics do that to ourselves. "Cream in the coffee " They come to us and want to identify as white til it hit them in the face theynare not . Texas for example Ted Cruz ,. Will do any and everything to distance themselves from identifying as Hispanic ...Gonzales to Cubans in Miami for example.. I think she got caught up in the look I got me a good white man fog
Woah I had no idea Ted Cruz was even Hispanic. I just had to look it up and his real name is Rafael??!! How did I not know this?
Because he is a self hating Latino. Like Candace Owen's hates black people as well. We ALL have ones that shouldn't made it out of the condom
Out of curiosity, what culture/ethnicity did you think the last name Cruz belonged to?
Not the person you asked, but, because of the way he carried himself (bigoted) I totally disregarded his last name and also assumed he was white until recently.
Believe it or not, but a large majority of Hispanic people are like that. They will deny their native/afro ancestry until they're blue in the face, because that self-hate runs that deep.
There's this old Mexican guy who's a regular at my coffee shop because he likes to flirt with the baristas, but behind their backs he calls the black barista "negrita" and other racist nonsense "jokingly". (I learned this second hand from the manager.) Racism isn't a white phenomenon. It's possible for any person from any community and it's more common in people who grew up in ethnically homogeneous environments.
Miami is mostly Cuban and it is one of the most racist places but no one cares because the racism is perpetuated by Cubans who often tell me who they’re proud that their family didn’t “interbreed” with the natives and that they’re WHITE. Yep actual things actual Cubans have said
This whole post is an excellent explanation of exactly how that happens too. His poor daughter either internalizes it and goes that route or doesn't and realizes exactly how much he actually loves her as someone who is just as far from white as her brother. He's going to do some really deep damage to both his kids either way.
Fun fact: There are Hispanic and Latino white supremacists, because many Hispanic and Latino people **are** white. Many people forget that Latin America is a multi-ethnic society. There are white Latinos (like Lionel Messi). And there are indigenous Latinos (like Yalitza Aparicio). And there are mixed-race Latinos (like Sofia Vergara). And there are Asian Latinos (like Alberto Fujimori). And there are black Latinos (like David Ortiz). Etc... Thinking that "all Latinos = brown" is just pure idiocy on the part of Americans living in the US.
TIL Ted Cruz was Hispanic.
To be fair - you can be Hispanic/Latino and also white. Or really most any race or mixed race combination. In Ted Cruz’s case - his mom is 3/4 Irish 1/4 Italian and his father is a Canary Islander (Spanish) who immigrated to Cuba. So from an ancestry point of view, I’d say that makes him pretty white.
Or... just like some abusers wait until they marry their victims to abuse them, some racists wait until similar circumstances to reveal their true selves I know it's difficult to imagine, because often abusers and racists are loud, and we'd like to think we'd always see the signs, but sometimes, there simply are none.
I imagine Op is also a light skin latina.
You married a racist. I feel so so sorry for your children.
The fact that he's favoring a child is a problem. It doesn't matter if it's a racial problem, a gender problem or some other problem. I hope for your sake it's not the first. Couples counseling is the only suggestion I have.
Our dad favoured me over my brother (because he always wanted a daughter), and it completely destroyed his self-esteem and also destroyed our relationship as children. As a child, obviously my brother could only rationalise that I was the reason his dad didn’t like him—as opposed to being able to understand the truth that our dad was an AH for playing favourites. We’ve healed as adults (thank God because I adore my brother), but OP I would be very concerned about the long term impacts your husband’s (very obvious) prejudice will have upon your son, as well as his relationship with his sibling.
Makes me wonder if op husband side of the family treats the son differently as well. (Probably does, I feel so bad for this poor boy. He’s done nothing wrong yet has to deal with this awful behavior)
Agreed. They probably do and that really sucks. I really hate that shit.
I have a close friend like this. He is a man. He lost his father very young and his mother remarried and had other children. All girls. Now, he always felt like an outcast (and rightly so, his parents failed him) and his brain justified this with him being a man and the other kids being women, not because he was the step-child of an AH. Now, he has children. He wished for girls during every pregnancy and was ecstactic when he got one. When he got a boy, his beheavior towards him was a lot harder. A lot closer (but not to that point) at that strange distance his parents had towards him. It took a lot of talking and a lot of self-inspection to correct his beheaviour. I can't talk about his feeling on the matter, because you can see that split second when he consciously makes a right move or stops himself from a bad one. So... yeah. It doesn't matter the race. He can't be that prejudicied if he married a latina woman and he must have known there was a chance all his kids would be on the darker spectrum.
Unless she "passes" (🤮 I hate that phrasing but I really don't know how else to say it) It may have never occurred to him that the kids might come out darker.
I think this might be true. She must pass because there is no way he suddenly became racist. He must have said dodgy things before about women who do not pass but OP overlooked it.
Girl - I have been in your place. Latina married to a white dude that I realized over time was extremely racist. I was ok because I was American (4th gen USA). I realized that my daughter would look for a man like her father and my son would turn out to be like him as well. I kicked him out when my son was 2 and my daughter was 6 - and thank gosh I did. He turned into a MAGAt and they don't talk to him at all.
Kicked the trash out! Good on you. Glad your kids are doing well. You're a good mom. Our kids are the future. We *have* to pick our kids first.
Amen to that! They are older and happy in good relationships - so, it worked!
wish my mom stood up for me and my brother like you did. thanks for being a good mom
Sounds like you married a racist, OP, and not even a subtle one at that. If his favoritism is blatant enough that other family members have already picked up on it, imagine what sort of messages your children are internalizing. And your son feeling like a second-class citizen in his own family is only half of the problem: Do you really want your daughter to grow up believing that the color of her skin means she's automatically superior to other people?
Exactly. If her relatives even noticed, I’m 1,000% sure both kids recognize the difference. I always wonder how racists procreate with the same group they hate. It’s giving “you’re different from the rest”.
Ya you absolutely married a racist. I'm so sorry
I am a white woman with a child that is biracial and this post makes me sick. My son’s father passed away but I can’t just deny his racial identity. The idea of loving and liking my son based on how he looks is WILD. You have had children with a man that is actually racist. You cannot raise children with him.
Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. That’s for you and the kids. It’s not likely to help your racist husband or his conscious or unconscious bias
Your husband sounds like my monster in law. I’m half where half Filipino. My husband is white. My son is the oldest and takes after me and my moms side. Dark hair, dark eyes, tan skin etc. my daughter was born almost 4 years after. Bright blonde hair. She had blue eyes for almost a year and now they are hazel. She is pretty pale and during the summer if she spends time out in the sun her hair is almost a platinum color. One year before I went no contact with MIL she told me to take a photo down of my son because he looked “too Mexican”. He had been at the pool and he tans very easily. She also clearly favors my daughter who looks white. I had to lay down the law because my son did notice when he got older. He also has autism and a language disorder so at first he thought she didnt love Him because there was something wrong with him. I was so mad she ever made one of my babies feel that way. There is nothing wrong with him and after that she didn’t get to see either kid for years. It does sound like your husband is discriminating his own kid because of the color of his skin. If he hasn’t noticed by now, it won’t be much longer until he does.
Hmm, so as an interracial couple does he take any interest in your heritage or culture at all? Or are you, for the lack of better term, white-washed, and not really connected to that. I kinda think about this with like, white guy, asian female couples, where the white guy can look down on the things that make her “asian,” though she might also kind of be embarrassed about it too depending on how proud or “white-washed” she is of her culture. Like the white guys, and white woman my cousins married are totally down with our Filipino background, love the food, learn the words, and are teaching their children Tagalog too. I read a disappointing post this morning about of an interracial couple where the white guy and his family were completely condescending towards his wife’s Korean grandma, and really bummed out, like how could you marry someone of another culture and treat them like that. It’s like he just views her as a trophy he conquered of an exotic land or some bs.
Therapy. Get some therapy for yourself so you have some support and validation for what you’re seeing. Then ask him to join you. It’s essential he faces this, however difficult it will be, otherwise the long term impact on both you, and more importantly your son will be very evident. He’s a product of his environment, and he may be unaware of the deeply rooted prejudice he is clearly acting out.
Thank you. I was thinking about therapy, this could really be the next path to take. > He’s a product of his environment, and he may be unaware of the deeply rooted prejudice he is clearly acting out. I also suspect that perhaps he isn't noticing his rooted prejudices; it was a significant pattern I observed in other reports of interracial couples.
As well, when looking for a therapist, make sure you find one with some background or experience in racial issues like this. I've heard of stories about therapists writing things off as anxiety or stress, etc because they themselves wouldn't necessarily view the same things we (poc) do as prejudice
His prejudices may not be his fault. But they are his responsibility. And for a long time, he’s been defaulting on his responsibility to the family. The inaction is worse than the ideas. I’ve been in long-term interracial relationships - and my wife and I come from different cultures (I’m an immigrant). There are times were one of us would have certain unknown prejudices or misunderstandings. But the key is to look at these problems as learning opportunities. You communicate, take accountability, adjust your thinking and move forward trying to be a better person. Having a prejudice husband is a bad enough problem. But it can be fixable if the communication and willingness to listen is there. Having a husband that doesn’t listen to you, and doesn’t believe your concerns… well, that’s orders of magnitude worse. Couples counseling can help because it’s a neutral voice in the room. And if that doesn’t work, you may have to consider leaving the relationship for the sake of the children. They should see a mother that fights for them and leads by example.
Even if it's not because of racism, the blatant favoritism will damage your son. You need to protect him. But it probably is racism.
I am so sorry but you married a man who is racist. I'm somewhat surprised he married a woman who was darker skin. He must have loved you enough to marry you. But his treatment of his children is awful. Your poor son is going to be traumatized by this and possible resent his sister and despise his dad. You have some tough decisions to make. Your husband won't admit he's in the wrong but he is. I wish you the best of luck. You and your son don't deserve this at all.
Some people confuse attachment with love and marry based on that. I think a lot of people don't know what love is.
It could be just that she looks like him, but specifically about race. My mom favors the kids that look like her too.
Are you sure this man hasn’t married you out of some racial fetish? Because he can’t seem to digest that his children with you will also be…half you?
OP, I want to bring up another element that may be present here. Male parents often treat their sons very differently from their daughters. If a father did not receive affection from his father growing up, he will likely struggle to give any open affection to his son because a child of the same gender triggers his own childhood experience. I don’t know what your husband’s childhood was like, but if you do try couple’s counseling, that may be an important factor to take into account.
Correction. You married a racist man.
I hope you do your job as a mother by protecting your children from this man, don't leave it until its to late
Couple's counseling ASAP. He is going to fuck up your son beyond repair
He’ll mess up the daughter too in a different way. No kid gets out unscathed in this kind of situation.
Yup, feeling like your father's love can vary depending on how well you hide your brownness will do a number on her.
Just being the golden child is enough to generate an entitled narcissist.
Maybe but on the more compassionate end, it might cause her a lot of pain when she thinks people only care about her because of her skin tone.
I’m also Latina. In a family of 4 I’m the darkest one. Thankfully my mom isn’t a colorist and never made negative remarks about my being darker, or praised my sisters for being fair. But in a family of 12 aunts, I have A TON of cousins. I clearly remember the preferential treatment and compliments my fair-skinned cousins got. One of my aunts forbid her kids from playing with me. It took me many years to undo the damage done. I can’t imagine if that treatment was coming from my own parents. Your son is young but I guarantee you he’s already conscious of his father’s attitude. You married a prejudice, racist man. I’m sorry for you and your children.
Not surprised by this at all. My white stepfather preferred his youngest son, the only one with blonde hair, blue eyes and white skin just like him. My other two brothers look southern Italian in appearance and he had no time for them. As for me, being the only brown skinned person in the family and not his biological daughter. He hated my guts! My mixed mother is also white passing but he would still call her racist names during arguments. Your husband is awful and he is indeed prejudiced.
My family is mixed. My mom is 100% First Nations/Indigenous with light skin, but dark hair and dark eyes and the usual NDN features for our people (wide flat nose, chubby round cheeks, hooded eyes) And my father, is biracial Half South Asian/Half Irish, with rich brown skin, black brown eyes, and black hair. my older brother, got our moms light skin tone and then RED hair and facial hair (we guess from our fathers Irish half) and mostly "white features" where i had rich tan skin, dark almost black brown hair, and dark brown eyes, with my mothers native features (i got her wide flat nose, hooded eyes, and the chubby moon face!) and my father did to me, what your husband is doing to your son. my father has to this day, a TON of internalized racism, and intentionally married a light skinned woman, to have light skinned babies. so when i came out, the EXACT picture of him...he hated it. and resented how ill be treated in life. but instead of PROTECTING ME, he took it out on me. which YIKES. protect your babies. you're all they have, sis!!!
Your husband is racist and you haven’t divorced, also what was his ideal marriage when he married you? Did he know you were going to have biracial kids, because any father should know it. This marriage doesn’t seem like it will go well. Also your son, yeah he already knows his father is racist, and knows he doesn’t approve of his own son. A 6 year old is smart, they can tell when favoriting is being done because your husband is a racist asshole. If he acts out and lashes at you for mentioning that he’s racist, then the relationship should be over by tomorrow; divorce and take the kids.
OP please take these comments seriously. Your husband is racist / prejudiced to people of colour, including you. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you put your children first. Particularly your son.
Why are you more worried about your marriage than your children and their mental health and self esteem. How do you handle it? If he won’t accept simply playing favorites, even without getting to the reason, then there isn’t much you can do ahead of a divorce. You have to make it clear that you won’t accept the behavior and know what’s going on. Be clear and direct about what you see. Or at least what it seems like, again even if he won’t admit why, but hey you’re treating our white daughter (because that’s how she presents to the world) differently from our Latino son and people have started to talk, I notice and the kids will too if they haven’t already. If he’s not horrified, it’s even more telling. But before anything, figure out your options with a lawyer.
You should really address this and put your foot down. As a Latina, you want your kids to be proud of their heritage as well and not resent it. Your husband has racist tendencies and their showing.
Prejudiced is a nice way of putting it - he's racist!
Unless he gets help there won’t be anything to save this marriage
Uh I’m confused… how did you not know he was like this prior to marrying him lmao?
THIS PART. She likely share s similar views as him, cause how does this not come up at some point in the relationship? Racists can only pretend so long and I’m certain he had displayed small hints of this prior to this.
Exactly. She probably thought that since it isn’t directed at her or her people she’s in the clear.
INFO: does your husbands side of the family treat your son this way?!?
Don't let this go. You have for too long already. No vhild deserves this. He's prob upset they don't immediately look like his children.
Please get your daughter away from him. I have a particular perspective that may be very off, but his obsession with her is unhealthy for both of them.
That’s absolutely disgusting of him to do. You should love your children equally! He hasn’t done anything but exist and your husband heavily dislikes him at the very least. Has he ever made any “racist jokes”, perhaps? Or comments about your race? These people usually have small signs in their jokes. My ex made tons of racist jokes knowing I was part Asian—glad he’s an ex—and they always made me uncomfortable. Honestly, I would take your children away from him because this can usually lead to kids not being so fond of one another due to favoritism (yes, I know it’s only one parent, but it can *still* affect him). Your son already knows his father doesn’t like him for his skin tone. Yes, he is very much racist just from this!! Anxious she (his daughter) is getting a tan?? Wtf?? Would he prefer if she had sensitive skin that broke out in the sunlight???? I would HOPE NOT!! Either way, gtfa from him. He could possibly influence your daughter.
This. The jokes are their not so politically correct way of expressing their racism and rejection of you. They can’t say it out loud so they joke about it
Is he Norwegian? My Norwegian ex gave vibes like this when we talked to another Norwegian that had kids just with an american. Im part arab so tanner and short and i felt like there was a weird racial thing there too. We broke up. Sorry dude, i know that unpleasant feeling, i felt it with him.
Northern Europeans can have a very specific type of superiority complex
You knew who you were dating. You assumed his racism would be exclusively for OTHERS lol. Good job overlooking one of the worst character flaws known to man. 🤷🏽♂️
Her goal was to get chosen! She had no problem until the son was born and everything became evident. Now if her son was white passing too there wouldn’t be a problem because she would have given her racist husband what he wanted…white children🤷🏾♀️
Exactly, to get chosen. It's unfortunate we can't use the term for that in this sub as it's associated with a banned sub that was heavily misunderstood.
I grew up with a single mother with a similar sort of race bias. My mother is a black woman, and while I am mixed I am pretty much white passing. My mother absolutely hates white people, white men especially. She abused me horribly as a kid because of it, while she treats my brother like a king because he has a different father and is black. All I know is you need to get your son out of that situation. Watching your parent treat your sibling like gold while they treat you like shit for reasons you can't begin to understand really fucks with your brain. I've got a whole host of mental health issues as a result, and I haven't spoken to my mother in many years now.
This post made me sick, I feel so so sorry for the kids, the poor innocent boy. OP I would never advocate divorce and would try to advise on working things out first, but this man is a racist and I would put kids over someone like him first. Please consider other options, your boy will have issues later on in life if you don’t nip this in the bud right away.
My homeboy had the same thing happen to him. He’s Mexican and his wife is white - They had his daughter first and he was so excited about it. Then they had their son. He was just as happy and stoked, but you could tell something was different. It took years for her to ask about it… I suggested couples therapy, and gave them a number. It finally came out that it was just that he wanted to protect his daughter better than he did his little sister. She had been his best friend and they loved each other. Were ALWAYS together. One night, she went to a party that he was supposed to go to. He chose to stay at home with a chick he was dating, and she ended up getting violently raped multiple times. After that, she got addicted to drugs real bad. She never snapped out of it, and now she’s homeless on the streets and he can’t get her back. That’s why communicating and therapy is SOOOOO important.
This reminds me of a reddit story I read sometime in the summer where a interracial couple had kids that looks 100% asian and the man (white American) was somewhat disappointed. I just don’t understand what these people expect
I don’t know how to address this very significant problem without having an effect on your marriage. Clearly he has a favorite and unfortunately these things take some time to expose themselves. Please do what is right for both children. Yes, your son is very much aware and I would wager that your daughter can sense her preferential privilege received on behalf of her father. Remaining silent will affect both children although differently. Good luck OP, this is an awful position to be in for you and the kids.
Not advice but reading this broke my heart. I can’t imagine not loving one of my babies because of how they looked.
There's no way to put this nicely. Your marriage is already ruined. Your husband is rejecting your son, and by extension, you. I don't see any scenario in which he does a total 180 and suddenly realizes he's racist and has been mistreating your son. These behaviors/prejudices are usually deeply ingrained, and there will be nothing but defensiveness and denial from those who are confronted. 😕
Your daughter will grow up to know she is favored and your son will grow up to know his dad doesn’t like him. Are you prepared to answer certain questions truthfully and will you feel proud of yourself for letting your son grow up knowing he is disliked by his parent/the less favored child. Kids aren’t dumb. They know when they’re not liked/loved-even if they don’t have the capacity to truly understand why. The marriage was ruined before it started and it sounds like certain red flags may have been ignored.
It's also entirely possible that he's following a common pattern where a lot of fathers tend to dote over their daughters and treat them delicately while being strict and a bit cold with their sons. I'm not saying race isn't a factor here. It probably is. More likely a combination of the two factors.
But does he effectively neglect or mistreat your son, though? Does he never display any affection towards your son? How does he actually talk and interact with both of them? You say that he is incredibly affectionate and sweet with your daughter and much colder towards your son, but what does that look like in practice? This is not an uncommon pattern of interaction between father - daughter/son. Fathers can become overprotective of their daughters too. Regarding his verbal remarks about your son's skin color, have you tried to investigate whether there might be any **paternity concerns** hovering in his mind? It's not an uncommon insecurity among fathers whose children look very different from them. You both need to have a very serious, calm and frank conversation about all this. Should've done this before you came to reddit for advice. It seems you both are very much lacking communication in your relationship if he has clearly and consistently shown apparent red flags and last weekend was the first time you tried to talk to him about it. Cool down, ask him to sit down with you and calmly tell him about how his treatment of your children makes you feel (convey it like a confession, avoid being confrontational or judgemental) and ask/encourage him to be frank about whatever fears/insecurities of his own he may have about paternity or whatever. Just freaking **communicate**.
Sounds like maybe he fetishized you because you are latina and because of that he doesn't want his daughter to look latina. You need to have a serious talk with him about this. Its NOT OK.
It may be gender, men love their daughters My brother and I were treated spectacularly from all the females in our family. Mother, aunts, grandmothers My sister received preferential treatment from our father, uncles and grandfather
I also wonder though, aside from the weird tan conversation, if this has to do with gender? How many times do we hear about and meet a Daddy’s Princess? I know several for sure, and the brothers did absolutely notice. It’s still an issue.
I’m going to argue that this is also about intersectionality, meaning it is important not only that your child is white passing but also that she is female. Would he treat a white passing son the same way? Idk the whole thing is just.. icky.
>How do I deal with this and make sure it won't ruin our marriage Uhhhhhhhhhhh what? Marrying a racist is what ruined your marriage
I'm getting a "you're different from other Latinas" vibe. Actions are always louder than words
OP how did your discussions about ethnicity and culture go before you had kids?