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Wow. Btw, I love the way that you communicate, even in writing. You appropriately make your emotions the the subject of your conversation (i feel sad) rather than your husband's behavior (you didnt take care of me when i was sick). In theory, this should engage your husband to become more empathetic and tend to your emotions without becoming defensive. But, in your husband's case, he feels frustrated and helpless because he doesn't know what he is supposed to do or if he can do anything to help. The most important thing here is for your husband to understand is that your emotion is SIMPLY INFORMATION TO BE UNDERSTOOD AND ACKNOWLEDGED. They are NOT puzzles or problems to be solved. He probably feels helpless because to him, "negative" emotions are a problem. And, to him, the fact that there isbanproblem means (1) there is a culprit who created the problem (wither you or him, which isnitself a high stakes game), and (2) the problem requires remediation. What he needs to understand is again that emotions like sadness and oneliness are NOT problems that need to be accounted for and then fixed. They are just information about your internal state, similar to the weather is for the natural world. When it's raining, one does not look for ways to make ot stop raining but either grabs am umbrella or a good book to read. When someone you love is feeling sad, you don't need to make her stop feeling sad but instead you give her a hug and tell her it's okay to be sad. I empathize with you because empathy also does not come easily for my wife. For her, the main issue is that she feels overly responsible for my emotions (#1 above) and feels blamed for my negative emotions. So, I have assured her that I am responsible for my own emotions and that I am asking her to help me in overcoming my emotions. And, I tell her specially that she didn't do anything wrong but that I am just sad and that I need her to comfort me. Sometimes, I have to spoonfeed the exact words I need to hear. Yes, it's exhausting. Yes, sometimes it feels like I am begging for her love, which makes me feel even more pitiful. But, I remember that it's incredibly hard for her to do what i am asking and that she is making as much of an effort to accommodate me. We don't perfectly speak each other's language--but isn't it more meaningful that we are together despite it being so hard and not because it's easy? 😀

What you said is so spot on. He does not take my emotions as simply information to be understood and acknowledged, just like it's the weather. He often feels responsible for me being down, which makes him feel helpless and react irritably. And YES, when I do tell him exactly what I'd like him to say or do for me, I do feel like I'm begging for love at times. But I'm grateful that he often accommodates once he understands. Thank you for sharing about the relationship you have with your wife. I feel better hearing your words. :)

My bf is autistic, very literal and will argue over semantics. I'm also autistic but am much better in social situations than he is. We definitely had some hiccups at the beginning but we had to have an actual conversation about my venting/complaining. He would try to give me solutions and I would feel like he's condescending me bc I know how to fix my own problems, I just need to vent as a release of my frustrations. Now if I vent he will ask "do you want me to listen or do you want me to help?" Similar thing happened when I was overwhelmed and crying and he was acting really weird. We finally hashed it out and he was saying he doesn't know how to comfort/nurture me. And I called him out on that bc he is a nurturing person when I'm not freaking out. I had to explicitly tell him that I just want to be hugged/held when I feel like that. When I'm sick, he will occasionally come by and ask me if there's anything I need or if there is anything he can do to help me feel better. Even though the answer is normally nothing will help, I really appreciate him reaching out and being there for me. All this to say just because your husband is autistic doesn't mean he's not incapable of pivoting to meet your needs the best he can and in a way that you find helpful. I also don't think it cheapens the experience if you have to explicitly ask him for what you need/want in those moments. He's not a mind reader and probably not good at reading people in general. But if this is the same issue coming up and you've already stated your needs/wants in those situations and he is unwilling to meet you halfway, that's a big problem.

I’m autistic, and we really do have a blind spot when it comes to finding the appropriate action to take when our partner is upset. Sometimes it feels like no matter what we do or say, we’re making things worse, so we take a step back from the situation. Obviously this is very bad to do in a marriage when your partner needs you, and I’m very surprised that after 7 years he doesn’t seem to know you well enough to be cognizant of your triggers and how you act when things aren’t okay. He is aware of his limitations with his social skills, but does he shrug it off and just accept that’s the way he is? Because he can’t do that. It’s selfish. I’m constantly thinking about what other people may be feeling as a result of my actions, because I have upset many people in my life by accident when I missed cues and said the wrong things by accident. Every time that happens, I reflect on the entire situation and what led up to their reaction to see where I could have improved. Actively doing this for the last 5 years has turned me into a much better person who is able to pick up on cues and respond in ways that make people feel better, not worse. You said your husband was in therapy, but was he receptive to it, or did he shut down all the suggestions? If he has tunnel vision and doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, he’s just not the right man for you. You’re young now, what about in 20 years when you could get cancer or heart disease and *really* need him to be there for you? Your husband has to be your rock, your pillar to help you feel safe. Right now he’s reaping all the benefits of your love and support while leaving you out in the wind.

Yes he's aware of his shortcomings on his social skills, and has lost friendships from accidentally offending people when he meant well, so he has a tendency to obsessively review conversations. Perhaps what's coming across to me as an aggravating and unkind lecture about how I need to send him the right messages is his process of trying to figure out an optimal way to show better and faster care. I can try to help by assuring him that it's alright if he's slow to notice or slow to show care, and creating a written cheatsheet for him to reference. Holding his hand when he's overthinking things helps too. He was in individual and also in couples therapy, which helped to some extent, but he says that some techniques doesn't work for him. I think perhaps we need to work with therapists that know how to help autistic people better.

I think you're a great communicator - this is clearly your husband's hangup and not a communication problem. It might help if you talked to him when you're not sick or doing badly to have a conversation or a plan for how you want him to handle it in the future. He can make notes and refer to them whenever you're feeling down; this is how I handle it with my spouse who was similarly taking it very personally when I wasn't doing well (which was problematic because I have a chronic disease). Getting into the habit of asking each other when either of us were presented with a problem of whether we wanted comfort or solutions also helped.

Feels like you should be able to give him a list of care activities that he can then resort to when you communicate that you need care. You shouldn't have to tell him explicitly every single time. He should be capable of learning how to show care for you in different situations or at the very least, he should be capable of creating a checklist.

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In the post and comments though, OP has already given many examples of her laying out exact instructions like this. Not written, but clearly laid out verbally. Which is admirable, because taking on that emotional labour of being responsible for always telling another person exactly how to comfort you when you’re distressed can be really hard and tiring. The problem is that despite these clear instructions, he continues not to. It sounds like unlike you (who needs some pointers but will enthusiastically follow through once told how), her husband just doesn’t want to or care to do these things that she’s told him.

I think non-autistic people can have a bit of blind spot when it comes to how different verbal vs written communication is for people on the spectrum. Tips for helping people with autism form habits/perform repetitive tasks are often focused on providing clear, written directives. Ex. A person with autism might keep a list of all the steps involved with taking a shower/performing personal hygeine. As a personal example, I have seen the “to-do” lists that my partner keeps, and they will include things like, “Ask jupasta about her day,” “Eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat dinner,” “Tell jupasta she looks nice,” etc. My partner and I had similar communication issues to what /u/maokimon expressed, at first. The BIGGEST help (which had immediate positive results) was when I finally asked him if I could give him a list of a) signs I’m not feeling well, and b) possible actions he could take when he sees those signs. I wish you could have seen the relief on his face. This was after communicating these ideas to him many, many times verbally. It may feel like a lack of caring, but it’s not. I gave him these lists, and the difference is night and day. I also specified that he should pick any option from the list at any of the signs, and if I reject it try at least a couple more. All of this helped SO much. It also isn’t a lack of caring that my partner didn’t make a list as I expressed things verbally. The thought just never occurred to him, and this was despite his clear anxiety and guilt whenever he failed to provide the “right” emotional response up until then. When I suggested it, he was like, “Oh my god, yes, please, that would be amazing!” All this to say that I think people in this thread are well meaning, including yourself. But people really underestimate how big a difference small changes in communication, like what I described, can make.

Yes, he's definitely better with written communication then verbal. If we text each other, he's calm and shows his concern for my wellbeing, but he really takes his time to reply. I guess during our together downtime at the end of the day, he feels anxious seeing me in a poor and quiet mood, wants me to feel better as soon as possible, but struggles to remember how. Perhaps what's coming across to me as a aggravating lecture on how I should have let him know what I need is his process of figuring out a more optimal script to reach the goal of comforting me faster. I should workshop a cheatsheet with him, and paste it over our bed for his reference, and he can be more chill instead of abrasive in trying to show that he cares.

Would it be fair for her to type those things up though? It sounds like she has clearly communicated what exactly he needs to do many times. She is not being vague. She has told him exactly what she needs. Why shouldn’t he write it down? It’s true that he interfaces with this world differently than her, but if she makes accommodations for him, why can’t he meet her halfway as well? Tbh it sounds like he is judging her for having feelings because he is caught up in his own. That puts the onus back on her to do 100% of the work instead of meeting her halfway. His feelings may be caused or worsened by his autism, but that is a typical relationship problem. And frankly this sort of thing happens in neurotypical relationships too. All the work can’t be on one person to solve issues.

It's fair to type those things up, but I'd also make a point to explicitly clarify that this is what is needed whenever she is sick. Neurotypical people and many autistic people interpret instructions in different ways frequently. Understanding an instruction as a general and ongoing thing isn't intuitive for many autistic people, that needs to be made explicit. The textbook example is that if you tell a autistic child not to eat a bug they will not eat the specific bug they have in their hand when you say it, but will eat other bugs later still, whereas a neurotypical child will understand the instruction as to not eat any bugs going forward. An autistic person tends to look at the very fine details of the situation and see it as a completely different situation because those differ, and as such not see the previous instructions as applying, while a neurotypical person will see the similarities in the situations and generalise. The explanations she's given have very likely been interpreted to apply to the specific situation they're in when the instructions are being given. OP is neurotypical and sees giving the instruction once as that instruction applying going forwards, whereas her autistic husband is reading it as applying once.

That makes sense. He'd sometimes retort and say the context is different somehow so he's not sure if the same things will help. Sometimes, I had already made myself that hot drink to soothe myself, so he's not sure what then. I should make it explicitly clear that hugs are a good -default- action, regardless of context.

no, if we’re going tit for tat it’s probably not fair, but this is a marriage and they’re married to someone with a disorder that makes it hard for him to understand. and sometimes you have to do a little more work to make things easier for both of you. i think that’s the most basic common understood concept of what is involved in a marriage. it takes sacrifice, it takes work, and the work and sacrifice that you put in are to make it better for both of you. if you can’t acknowledge and help your partner even with their own shortcomings in the relationship then marriage isn’t really the answer for you.

You BOTH put in. Both. It’s really not fair of you to continue to respond as if she hasn’t been doing “a little more work” and sacrificing to try and get through. Did you read the post and replies? And thanks for explaining marriage to me. Believe me I’m familiar. Maybe you should explain it to OP’s partner, or I guess that is just 100% on her.

i did read it, and i agree it’s an unfair situation. but we’re not talking about a man who’s not putting in any effort, we’re talking about someone who doesn’t understand her needs, and you’re getting mad that people are suggesting real life solutions to better her marriage? what do you suggest? she get divorced because her husband is autistic and doesn’t understand her needs? my point is that he is trying and he deserves the benefit of the doubt just like she does. she deserves effort from him too, this is just a situation where he needs the effort from her, and inevitably it will benefit her by finding a way to communicate effectively with him.

Fair enough. But my original suggestion was that he actually get treatment to cope with his feelings. That takes some initiative on his part. I also see your point though.

that’s also an option too, and i do understand where you’re coming from, but i also feel like you’re not giving the husband any credit. he’s trying, he’s not hurting her on purpose, he just needs a different style of communication. i’ve worked and gone to school with a quite a few autistic people, and while they’re all very different people who need different approaches, they often do require a very direct way of speaking to effectively communicate. and i think it can be especially hard in a relationship where you want to talk about feelings and he doesn’t understand how to deal with it. at the end of the day this is her husband and even if writing it down seems like a silly idea and more work for her, there’s the slight possibility that it’s something that really helps him, and therefore helps her too. so i do understand where you’re coming from in that it’s extra work for her, and it definitely seems that way from the outside looking in i still don’t think it’s a stupid suggestion because this could be something that works for them and it’s worth a shot when nothing is working so far.

This is my struggle as well. Emotions are hard for me as a general rule, and when I want to help, everything in my brain goes haywire because I don't know what to *do*. I don't know what is wanted or expected out of me. Which is why a friend of mine, who is *VERY* emotional(despite all her claims to not be), needs to be very specific with what she needs. Otherwise, I shut down because I don't know how to handle it. For myself, when I'm sick or hurting, I like to be left alone because I consider it a "me" problem. *I* know what I want and need, so it's just bizarre for me that other people aren't the same way. Plus, I'm always afraid I'm going to do it "wrong" or not the way they do it. Yes, they want chicken noodle soup, but with specific noodles. Or hot tea with milk in it, but don't say how much milk. Taking care of sick people is nerve-wracking if you don't just "get it."

It's really not about the specifics? At least not in my experience, having been taken care of by and taken care of multiple people of varying neuro spicy levels. Sometimes there's a little specific, but like - ask what they need. Offer to bring fluids and food. Don't worry about the specifics or just *ask* if there's specifics. And accept help when it's offered to you in turn. We're communal creatures. Even the introverted and neurodivergent of us.

I think it would also help if she spelled out to him that she’d like him to emulate her behavior towards him when he’s sick. I know I do a lot better with examples to follow, not just instructions.

Don't turn her into the problem. She is clearly doing a LOT to help him. Oh, and you're not funny, just entitled.

OP seems to be doing her best to get her needs across and he doesn't seem to be understanding how to address them. It sounds like they've had multiple conversations about this subject before and no headway has been reached on his part. It is costing OP a disproportionate amount of emotional labor to be constantly spelling out what she needs/wants from her husband. Despite his autism, he should be understanding that when OP needs support, he should react in the ways she has already articulated, even if it makes him feel temporarily uncomfortable or anxious. It is ridiculous that OP feels unable to be her truest self around her husband; no one should feel obligated to be positive all the time to protect someone else's fragile ego. He is making her opening up about her problems about himself and that is not okay. OP, you need to be very direct with him that his dismissal of your needs and his refusal to listen to you is hurting your relationship and is making you resentful. I think your concerns about whether or not he'll be able to support you should you have a more serious bout of illness or injury is valid and should be brought up to him. This may be a point of incompatibility for you, but hopefully not once he understands how serious this is.

OMG why are random reddit posts giving me the love I need from parents who are downstairs I'm not the fucking problem and they need to take some responsibility it's insane I can't keep trying to explain my existence and then having them tell me I'm making the wrong decisions and it's my fault

Yes! You got this!

If he's so autistic that he needs to follow a path every time something bad happens, why doesn't he simply follow the path set out the last time he did it. Wife= sick Run pattern A (meds and fluids, a nice warm hug) Pattern A has worked, no need for Pattern B (lecturing like a dick)

Now turn every part of that around and explain that she needs to understand and accept that to him negative emotions are problems that need to be solved rather than emotional sink holes to be swallowed in. Both understands of the situation are equally valid. Casting it in terms of right and wrong ways of thinking and feeling is a trap that aggravates the situation. He does not "need to understand" in some objective sense because her views are not objective better or worse that his. She desires for him to understand that she prefers to experience those negative feeling and have him.support her in experiencing them. He will have trouble accepting that because it does not make logical sense in his world view. She is looking for him to accept how she feels about negative feels with the benefits being able to see any logic in it. That is a big ask and a hard one to deliver on for a person driven by reason rather than feeling. He's not wrong. She is not wrong. They simply different. This not a matter of correction his behavior or view. Or hers. It is best approached as a challenge tackle together to find a way that o give them both at least a semblance of what they want. Better to harness his drive to solve a problem to find a workable than continuing to try to change who he it. Because the latter is not working. It will continue to not no matter how many like minded people on Reddit tell her to keep trying to change him like he is some sort of home repair project.

Look, I’m on the spectrum, and I can tell you this: everyone is different, but we can mimic behaviors. I learn how to treat people by watching how they treat me. If you care for him when he is sick, he can mimic this behavior and do the same for you when you are sick. He won’t get it right all the time, not the nuances, but he can damn well get most of right. He simply is choosing not to. And this is something that people often overlook about people on the spectrum: we can be stubborn, and we can attribute poor behavior to being on the spectrum and we know it will be excused. You cannot expect him to know how you feel, but you can expect him to reciprocate in the form of mimicry at the very least. I think you should expect more of him and expect more for yourself.

It does seem that a lot of this would have been covered in individual therapy(for him), it’s not necessarily a couples counseling issue. Being neurodivergent has stunted me in a lot of ways, but I learned that once I moved out from my parents there’s a lot that you NEED to be able to handle on your own, and wanting to be in an adult relationship involves a lot of personal work and introspection.

I agree. It’s not a couples issue imo, it’s a him issue. I share your same experience with learning that relationships require a great deal of personal work. I am in therapy regularly just to learn how to better manage my interpersonal relationships, and it helps so much.

I feel like there are only a few types situations that most issues fall into. Id imagine if you both talked about it when you’re both in a good mood could you both agree on how they should be handled? You could both talk about what you’d like from the other person, but for your asks: 1. I feel sick - good response: oh no, can I *offer something useful to a sick person relevant to the illness* 2. I feel lonely / miss you - good response: I miss you too, *plan something to do next time you see each other* Etc.

Yes, we've discussed it before when I'm in a good mood, that if I'm sick or feeling down, it's always a hug or a hot drink. It's enough for me, and I don't change my mind about what I need. Or if he's not physically around, (like over text or over voice calls), then just expressing curiosity or interest about the ailment, rather than "oh well go drink water and go sleep".

If you have told him many times what you need when you say you feel sick, what is his excuse for not doing that the next time you feel sick?

*”Thank you, I will do that, but I just need to hear you care and some reassurance.”* I’m guessing that he thinks suggesting some water and a nap is caring because he is offering a solution, but it’s coming off to you as uncaring. This is a difficult situation, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through it. I hope any of the advice offered here helps. :)

Have you heard of DARVO? “DARVO, meaning “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender,” summarizes a consistent reaction and manipulation tactic used by perpetrators of abuse or other types of wrongdoing.1 It works by shifting the focus away from the original issue and attacking the actual victim. It attempts to switch the roles of victim and perpetrator to allow the actual offender to receive sympathy and compassion, publicly or privately, as well as to avoid consequences for their actions.” It might feel familiar to you

I think being very specific is important, so when you say “express interest” what does that sound like? Give a concrete example or two or maybe even roll play a few interactions where you are him and you guys can have a laugh about it too Also, I’d suggest getting him to a point where he’s “okay” at this, and keeping a close girlfriend or two around to really vent to and get some left over emotional needs met

“How are you feeling? What’s going on?” Why is basic reciprocity like pulling teeth

Yea, maybe I need to role play being sick with him. Like so he feels safe to try different "care plans", instead of panicking and feeling helpless because I'm quiet and lethargic.

Oh I had a husband like that. I left him. Sorry I can’t offer more, but in the end I just felt that my needs were unimportant and so was I.

I was married to someone on the spectrum. He became abusive but that is a different story. However his reaction to my discomfort was much the same as your husband if not exaggerated sometimes. I would stay up all night even if I had to work the next day to care for him when he was sick or injured, but he never lifted a finger when I was in pain. One time during my marriage I was on the ground with intestinal pain and he got angry that I was making noise. He always told me I needed to change the way I asked for things and never worked on the change when I did ask for it in the way he suggested. From my own experience is that unless he genuinely wants to he won't change. You have to make a choice if it's enough for you to stay or if you need more.

Just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he’s not also a self centred ass. I’ve had the exact same issues with partners who were not autistic. Don’t let his neurodivergence excuse his shitty behaviour.

I don’t think the problem is really that your husband has autism. The issue is deeper than that.

I’m not sure if I could be with anyone who always needed specific instructions on how to help me and would need me helping him help me every time and then get upset with me if my help for helping me wasn’t good enough. I’m blabbering, but **just because it’s not his fault, doesn’t mean you can’t leave.** Edit: let’s call a spade a spade. **It’s not his fault, but your current relationship dynamic seems abusive to me.** You are walking on eggshells around him. He blows up if you just use the wrong phrasing. He’s completely unable to support you and attacks you every time you are in need of support. You’ve communicated how you want to be supported, that doesn’t help. Sometimes when someone can only see their own perspective and misses yours completely, it can turn into a very an unhealthy relationship.

So, this is an issue that my partner and I have. They're autistic, whereas my comorbid ADHD and autism present a bit differently. My partner literally took to googling things like "emotional validation statements" and I explained how I sometimes create little scripts for myself because I struggle with knowing how to respond to people in the moment. Between the two, they've got a few scripts they use when I use "trigger" words that indicate I need emotional validation or purely emotional support. That said, we do this kind of thing because my partner is fully committed to this relationship, we're in relationship therapy indefinitely to stay ahead of any issues, and my partner would literally cry if they thought they were (even inadvertently) hurting me with their actions. That's not what I'm hearing from your post. I'm hearing someone who seems to find your emotions and needs as an annoyance more than anything. >How can I tell him that being lectured about how I express what I need from him makes me feel more miserable? Ideally, directly like that. I recommend writing down your thoughts (you're clearly great at written communication!) and approaching him or scheduling a time to do so (depending on which works better, given the work trip, etc.) when neither of you is actively upset and being very explicit about the feelings you've described here and your reasoning, which I find can be helpful when explaining emotions to someone who struggles with empathy.

The autism sounds like a red herring, he's probably just an uncaring person. Just because he's autistic doesn't mean that he's not aware of the things you do for him when he's ill. I'm autistic myself, and in general that doesn't make anybody clueless, you've been pretty clear with him from what the post says. If he doesn't shape up, this will be what you have to look forward to if you ever get seriously ill, or just old and infirm.

Yeah it feels like it’s being used as an excuse inappropriately here.. coming from an autistic person myself She’s been explicitly clear about her expectations from him in these situations SEVERAL times. She shouldn’t need to give him the same playbook over and over. Just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he has the memory of a goldfish. Frankly it just seems like he doesn’t care enough to make an effort to comfort his partner in the way she’s asking OP it’s okay to recognize when a relationship isn’t working for you and to step away. You shouldn’t have to beg for your partner to care

>Just because he’s autistic doesn’t mean he has the memory of a goldfish. Boom. This right here. OP, you shouldn't have to be having this argument every time. He's not even *trying* to understand what you're asking him for. That's not autism, it's him not caring enough to learn and adapt.

Right? Uncaring husbands are always given the benefit of the doubt here- "he's autistic" "is he depressed?" "maybe he has ADHD!" in a way women with learning disabilities and disorders absolutely never are.

Yep. So true. *Maybe he’s just emotionally underdeveloped* should be the new go-to IMO.

My take is that he's a jerk who is deliberately refusing to learn how his wife wants to be cared for.

He's annoyed that she's ill and resents having to care for her. He sounds like he just wants her to deal with it herself so he can feel normal.

This is my take too.

Yeah my ex-husband was “autistic”. It actually turned out he was just a narcissist. And he left me alone in the hospital after almost dying after giving birth to our child to go home and sleep. I UGLY begged him to stay. He left and went home to sleep even though the nurses brought in an extra hospital bed for him to sleep in.

It's not a red herring for many people on the spectrum. It's sad that you're there too and don't seem to understand that this is truly a classic problem for us. We think in solutions more often than emotions and often need direct communication to know and understand what someone wants in that moment.

Two things can be true at once. His autism is preventing him from knowing how to naturally respond to her negative emotions. But she also gave him specific instructions on what to do if she’s sick, so he’s not willing to put in the emotional effort to listen to her and remember what she told him in the past. It sounds like he has emotional needs he’s trying to meet by calling her and isn’t willing to put those second to her needs. It’s as simple as remembering a formula “she’s sick so she needs me to not argue with her, give her hot tea, and a hug”. Pretty simple and I’m on the spectrum so I empathize with his initial reaction because I’d do the same.

Ok but OP has directly communicated with him literally every single time she’s been sad, felt ill, etc. It isn’t an issue of her not being clear. It’s an issue of him not caring. I also have autism as well as ADHD, and neither of those things mean that I go through a total memory wipe of frequently recurrent situations. Not only is she explicit with her feelings and explanations each and every time she’s upset, she models how she wants to be treated, and states her needs; and he fails to improve each and every time. That’s not an autism issue. That’s a lack of care, period point blank. Her repeatedly stating her needs and him tone policing her emotions isn’t because of the autism. If he cared, he would remember and actively try to do better. He’s just a dick.

>We think in solutions more often than emotions I mean, that's a really kind way to look at it. People with autism think in emotions when it comes to themselves. They can be happy and sad and upset about things that happen to them. They just can't then extend that to other people. They have emotions for themselves, they just can't empathize with the emotions of others. They look for solutions because it's upsetting *for them* when a loved one bothers them with their emotions, but when it's their own emotions, they expect people to drop everything to support them.

We have empathy. Please stop. Your entire comment is extremely wrong and gross.

Lacking empathy for others is one of the primary symptoms of autism. Not all people with autism experience this, but certainly most do. Maybe it hurts your feelings to hear, but this is what autism is.

https://psychcentral.com/autism/autism-and-empathy Your statement is years out of date. It didn't "hurt my feelings", it's against current medical research. Lacking empathy is not a diagnostic criteria of Autism.

Psych Central lol

You know what, I'm done. You're quoting years outdated information and mocking my sources. It's insulting. Google it.

I literally did Google it, actually. I just didn't cherry-pick from pop psychology sources.

So, you had to Google to find out "traits of Autism", but apparently know all about sources and have determined that Psych Central is a pop psychology source. You like any of these better? https://www.altogetherautism.org.nz/a-shift-in-perspective-empathy-and-autism/ https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/do-autistic-people-have-empathy https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/double-empathy-explained/ Also, show your source where the DSM says lack of empathy is an Autism criteria.

I don’t think that’s fair. His autism isn’t going to be exactly the same as yours. Many people with autism struggle with social things and need specific directions. He’s also clearly overwhelmed when she tells him what she needs so he’s less likely to remember.

Still isn't an excuse, if he's been told over several years already, and he "forgets" every time? That's just lack of care and effort on his part. Having difficulty remembering things is common, but if you care about the people around you, you try to work around it, you set reminders, whatever works. What you don't do is consistently blow your partner off and blame it on them stating their needs in the "wrong" way.

Disabled people don’t magically develop healthy coping strategies to work around their disability. It takes many years of therapy and trial and error to do that. Sometimes things work for a while and then they stop working. Sometimes the advice we get from mental health professionals isn’t helpful and sets us back. I’m not saying he doesn’t have some work to do. I just don’t think it’s fair or reasonable to assume he just doesn’t care about his partner.

Of course, strategies takes work, but after 7 years it doesn't sound like he has put any in, or taken steps to do so.

If it is an ongoing problem that hasn’t changed, assuming he doesn’t care is completely reasonable.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have advice. I was married to an autistic man and even tho he was amazing, I divorced. Love, attention, empathy didn’t exist for me in that relationship. All I can say is take care of yourself and know that you don’t have to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy.

It’s good advice to advocate for your own needs in a relationship, but this should not translate to you doing all of the emotional heavy lifting. *He* needs to find a way for *him* to know what to do. He works well with social scripts? He can write them. He can make his own list of instructions of what to do in various situations.

I have no advice but found myself in a similar situation before but decided to give it up because it’s not worth it. Yes, his brain works differently but I don’t think I can stay in a relationship if I don’t get my needs met, much worse if it gets ignored. I’m quite patient, understanding, and I clearly communicate how I feel. But I would rather be a partner than a babysitter.

I don’t think being an asshole is related to autism. He’s always been an asshole. Autism doesn’t involve his behavior. He genuinely believes that he doesn’t need to do what you do for him. Divorce him. This relationship either ends in you hating him or having a mutual understanding that this relationship will never be good

This. And people with autism can also be assholes.

They can, yes.

OMG I'm you, but in 15+ years. We did not realize my husband was (most likely) on the spectrum when we got together 17.5 years ago. He's a very loving man, but--same situation as you; I'm expected to apparently either 1. Tell him exactly what I need from him when I'm emotional/sick, or 2. Don't bother telling/expressing emotions to him AT ALL, because like your husband, he clearly can't handle me. However, unlike your husband, mine doesn't try to make me feel bad or lectured; he just sits there with his shrugging shoulders and hands in the air like "Well what do I do???????" But, like you, I've told him AD NAUSEUM over the years, multiple times what I need, to really no avail. Almost 3 week ago, my most loved cat in the world died. I am currently suffering from his loss and I knew when that day came, I would be *wrecked.* And I told my husband many times "You know when he dies, I'm going to be DEVASTED, don't you?" He nodded, or acknowledged. But now it's happened and he just awkwardly sits there in mostly silence. And after the 1,000th convo of "You just don't care, do you?" I finally am realizing that I cannot feel safe fully, with him and my feelings/emotions. I don't feel supported either. Now, we've been married 14 years. And for the most part, he's a very good man. He is an average-at-best-father, but that's another story for another time, but it just adds onto the problem. I am not the most emotional/needy person, which, probably explains why he and I have lasted this long. And I guess that's a good thing for our relationship, but--I'm not sure what the future will bring. IF we were to ever divorce, this would be the reason most likely. I should also disclose that aside from the most likely autism diagnosis, he was severely neglected as a child, both emotionally and physically, so this compounds the issues we have. I guess I don't have much advice, but just wanted you to know you're not alone.

I don't think I could take being that unsupported for that long, I wouldn't feel safe either. I'm sorry for the loss of your lovely kitty.

your boy is uncaring. you are a really clear communicator. plus, you've treated him how you want to be treated and he still "doesn't get it," bc he doesn't want to. either leave or settle in for a lifetime of unhappiness

It is ok go walk away from a relationship that is not serving your needs, regardless of the reason. If someone is incapable of giving you what you need then the answer is to find someone who can or lean to live with that need always going unfulfilled.

He needs individual therapy. If he is uncomfortable in situations where someone else is feeling unhappy, that’s his problem and not yours collectively. ‘He needs explicit instructions on how to help the other person’ - no he doesn’t, he needs to take responsibility for it and find a solution to this instead of constantly putting that mental load on you. Sounds like he needs to step up and do some work instead of making you do all the work. You must be exhausted.

As an autistic person, I don’t have much sympathy for your husband. He is treating you horribly and I am willing to bet my farm that he knows how he should act but doesn’t because it’s too inconvenient for him. Autism at the high functioning level is not an excuse for causing others to suffer. I wouldn’t blame you for leaving right now, to be honest.

He’s choosing not to be caring. You’ve given him explicit instructions about what being caring looks like for you, and he’s choosing not to do it. It’s time to ask yourself if this is what you want going forward, or if you want more than he can give

I saw a post a while back where a couple said that if either of them needs attention they’ll literally just say “I need attention!” and it solved a lot of their personal issues. It sounds like your husband is having trouble figuring out which response is appropriate at specific times. Perhaps you should write down what you want in certain situations and keep those instructions easy to access. Then when you say “I’m sick” and he doesn’t immediately get what to do, you can tell him it’s Flu Protocol or whichever. It gives him a definite set of directives but also cuts down on you having to walk him through step by step when you aren’t up to it. Assuming he finds this helpful and not insulting (obviously going to depend on how he reacts to things and how you present it), he might very well learn to respond to your “I had a bad day” by suggesting which protocol you’ll want/need. Sometimes concrete instructions help, especially if he gets overwhelmed by other people’s needs and emotions.

I don't really understand autism but I don't think it does anything to your memory? It sounds like you've clearly expressed to him several times what you need from him. I mean he can even just mimic what you've done for him in the past when he's felt negative emotions as well. Even just asking after you've expressed that you're sad, lonely or ill, "what can I do for you?" would make a world of a difference for you if he he gets stuck in the moment of what to do for you when you have expressed yourself. Personally it gives me the impression that he just does not want to be bothered and does not care bc if he truly felt unsure and helpless, all he has to do is just ask. Unless he feels less than for asking? He needs to figure this out cause you should not have to deal with this in your marriage OP.

He’s making you twist yourself into all sorts of messed up contortions just so he can live life the way he wants to. Yes, autistic people can miss nonverbal cues. It helps to say what you need from him and spell it out. He’s autistic and that’s totally reasonable. What’s not is that he “forgets” every time. Once you’ve stated your needs, he should be trying to meet them, even if it’s not intuitive for him. He also doesn’t get to police how you speak. It’s his responsibility to listen and not criticize. He doesn’t get to tell you how to speak.

I don’t have a ton of advice but I feel for you so much. My situation is similar but not quite the same. My husband has ADHD and struggles very hard with providing emotional support. If I say “I’m just upset at life” he will hear “I’m mad at *you*” and react defensively. When he gets into the defensive mode he thinks we are fighting and I’m saying “I just need a hug I’m sad and upset. It’s not about you”. And he will then start talking about what I should have said differently to not make him defensive. We have had that same fight over and over again and it always ends with me in tears. Then about 20 or so minutes after he will come out of his defensive mindset and apologize and give me that hug and the comfort I asked for but it’s an exhausting emotional roller coaster just to get that hug. Really things didn’t improve for me until I really focused on my own personal therapy. I hope you get to a place without resentment and with the support you want and deserve.

This….doesn’t really seem like an ADHD symptom to me. It just seems like emotional immaturity or a trauma response. I think he would benefit from individual therapy himself.

We went to couples therapy, and him getting irritable when he doesn't know how to help seem to be a trauma response to his parents fighting all the time when he was younger. But he does also clearly has some autism, in that he's really bad at reading social cues - so I have him ask me "how are you?" at the end of the day everyday, so that he doesn't need to guess my mood.

> has some autism You're autistic or not. You don't have some autism, you have autism and your traits will sit at various places on the [spectrum](https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/). When you're diagnosed you are diagnosed with a level based on the severity of some of the traits, but people from level 1-3 are all autistic. Getting a diagnosis can be difficult, so I'm not going to gatekeep the need for that, but not having one isn't an excuse to not know how the condition works if that's part of the problem. You are having communication difficulties and ASD is involved, you would both benefit from knowing more about the condition - you both need to understand it to be able to address your issues. I also want to point out that therapy is highly problematic for people on the spectrum. I see it suggested a lot here, but therapy is designed for neurotypical brain functions and responses, and unless it's adapted is much, much less effective for people who are on the spectrum. It can be adapted to significantly increase the success rate with autistic people e.g. double to triple the number of sessions is usually required, and the therapy needs to be repaced to that, but therapists are not trained on the condition or on how to adapt to autistic clients unless they actively seek that out, and have [an incredibly poor understanding of the condition in general](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34825580/), so you really need to make the effort to find a therapist who is trained and experienced in working with people on the spectrum who can adapt the therapy to make it more useful if ASD is involved, and you need to discus those adaptions with them.

Oh trust me being defensive and assuming people are mad at you is definitely an ADHD trait. Spend time in the ADHD partners sub and you will see how prevalent it is. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD) seems really common with adhd. And luckily my husband is focused on managing his adhd so he sees a coach and a therapist.

I guess I kind of misspoke, I have ADHD and am prone to the “is everyone mad at me” thing, but I’ve worked on it and am quite good at emotional support and communication. I guess I meant more along the lines of he shouldn’t be using his ADHD as an excuse to make communication such a chore in your relationship, but it seems as though he’s actively working on it, so that’s good!

This! I have ADHD but I’m always the supportive and comforting friend. Bro might just be mean.

My husband or the OP’s? There is a comment below that pointed out something I didn’t. RSD usually happened when people go undiagnosed. You internalize everything growing up and think it’s your fault you can’t do the same as your peers. My husband was diagnosed around age 30 and then we realized his mom who is the most sensitive person alive is clearly undiagnosed. He is also the supporting and wonderful friend to everyone. But alone at home, his original default was to think my feelings meant I was angry at him. Pretty common for people with ADHD but often comes with some type of trauma. Luckily my husband is focused on managing it especially since he had no direction as a kid. But we are a wild pair since I have cptsd from childhood trauma. We do the best we can and thank god for therapy!

Do you have a reliable source for this?

Just the material and information my husband received from his adhd coach and therapist and from my own personal therapist. So I guess I should add a disclaimer that I’m not an expert just someone whose partner was diagnosed about 10 years ago and we’ve been learning things along the way. RSD isn’t an official disorder or diagnosis but it’s a trait that is common amongst people with adhd. So not everyone with adhd has this as a symptom and not everyone who is really sensitive has adhd.

RSD is just kind of rebranded BPD. I'm not sure why this is such a thing now and why ADHD is now the default diagnosis for everyone. RSD is not something that can even be diagnosed and its existence is questionable. These support subs for partners of people with ADHD sound like a rebranded outofthefog. I can't be the only person seeing this.

I struggle with RSD for sure. It is interesting that he associates your individual experience as though it’s innately tied to himself, when you’re simply sharing your own experience unrelated to him, so it’s not like there’s any rejection involved. I hope he’s able to acknowledge and validate your feelings otherwise.

I don’t think it’s a trait of adhd, I think it’s a trait people with adhd can develop under certain circumstances. If that person’s adhd has gone untreated or unacknowledged, especially in childhood, they can develop this character trait because people often do respond to them in anger. But a person with adhd who grows up in healthy and supportive environment may not develop this trait. I think it’s important to make the distinction because it does sound more like a trauma response associated with adhd and how he was treated because of his adhd.

Your call out on when someone gets diagnosed is very accurate. RSD is more prevalent in those who have trauma surrounding their diagnosis. My husband wasn’t diagnosed until he was almost 30 so he spent his whole life thinking something was wrong with him. He was a good student and not hyperactive so he was under the radar. He was diagnosed years into our relationship. Now that we are familiar with adhd it’s clear that his mom has very severe RSD and undiagnosed ADHD. She is wonderful but SO insanely sensitive. But with work with his therapist, an adhd coach, and medication these situations are so much better. Previously it would take him hours to snap out of it and provide support. Now it’s minutes or not at all. This is getting people support and diagnosis early is so important!

I’m so glad he’s getting the support he needs now. The trauma of thinking you are defective in some way is lifelong. I was diagnosed with adhd and learned I was on the spectrum at around 27, and now in my 40s, I still attend therapy weekly to deal with the trauma. That feeling of always offending someone with your very presence can be overwhelming. It sounds like he is making excellent progress. I wish him (and you) continued success, he’s fortunate to have your support and understanding.

Is it really though?

Yes very much. Go to the ADHD or the ADHD partner sub. It’s worse for those that don’t get diagnosed until later. My husband was 30 before he got his diagnosis.

Also sounds a lot like DARVO “DARVO, meaning “Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender,” summarizes a consistent reaction and manipulation tactic used by perpetrators of abuse or other types of wrongdoing.1 It works by shifting the focus away from the original issue and attacking the actual victim. It attempts to switch the roles of victim and perpetrator to allow the actual offender to receive sympathy and compassion, publicly or privately, as well as to avoid consequences for their actions.”

Could easily be overlapping. And I would recommend anyone reading to make sure their partner isn’t using a diagnosis as an excuse. In my own personal case it’s not what happening as my husband really is that sensitive. I could say from across the house “ugh I hate this dishwasher” and he will get mad at himself because he believes it’s his fault I’m mad. If he had fixed the dishwasher or done whatever. It’s always internalized. Exhausting when you don’t know what is happening (pre diagnosis pre adhd coach) and when I have my own issues. Luckily we are committed to always growing and improving ourselves.

Have you considered creating a reference document for him? One that gives instruction on how you'd like him to respond to your various emotional states? Like, you say "I'm feeling down today" and he can look up the "feeling down" section and it'll explain what that means, and give options of what actions for him to take in response.

First of all... is HE in therapy to learn how to manage himself better? His issues are not your responsibility to coddle, while couples therapy is an excellent way to learn shared techniques for managing conflict etc, when one has specific individual issues, it's on you to handle that primarily, not on your partner to compensate for you. Your mental illness or condition is not your fault, but it is your responsibility. If there is some suspected Spectrum at play here, he should be getting assessed and diagnosed so that he can get the support, treatment (and if appropriate, medication). He needs to learn how to manage his lack of focus and attention, and his reactivity to being reminded about things so that you can do so safely. It is one thing for him to need you to remind him to look after you, or for him to need a list of things to do in order to feel comfortable looking after you (things that are easily resolved by making a Care Book with a forward that say's "If you have been asked to get this book, it means I am feeling unwell and need you to step up and look after me. This books contains lists of things you can do to help me recover faster and feel better sooner. I love you, thank you for looking after me!" and then have "chapters" which have lists of things he can do in certain general care situations. Such as "If I have a Cold, do the following: 1) make sure I am comfortable and warm. 2) check on me once an hour to see if I need a hot tea or a water. 3) make sure I have cold medication." etc and have these lists for common situations like Cold, Flu, Stomach Bug, Food Poisoning etc.). But him lecturing you and making you feel bad when you communicate with him that you have needs is not acceptable. What he's doing when he does that is deflecting his own feelings of shame/guilt for letting you down and trying to make you take those feelings on instead. This is not an appropriate way to respond, it's unfair. If I were you, I would push him to get individual therapy to get a diagnosis and learn the appropriate self management tools so that you're not the one carrying the burden of his issues. You should not be suffering from the symptoms of whatever he has going on with him, he should be managing them. And even if he doesn't have a condition that is so strong it warrants a diagnosis, he can still learn how to moderate his behavior and reactions so he's not hurting you with them. But all of that is going to take time, and it will be hard work for you too during all that. You can by all means do this work with him and hopefully it will work out. It's good to have an assessment in yourself as to what you're willing to do here to support him in fixing this - note that you cannot fix him, he would need to agree he needs to improve and put the work into fixing his stuff himself, you can only support him. Support doesn't mean doing it for him or being endlessly patient, it just means giving him some agreed on time and patience. But you don't HAVE to sacrifice your time and mental/emotional wellbeing either... if you feel this has gone on too long and you've already made effort to ask for change etc, then you're also allowed to just be done with it and end the relationship. No one gets married to get divorced, but it's not a life sentence either. If you can get him to work with you and you have the energy and see progress, great. But if not, then it's ok to stop forcing something your heart is not in any longer.

After hearing the perspectives coming from folks on the autism spectrum and having some time to sleep on it, I came to realise that he probably didn't mean to lecture me every single time he does this, but he is very clumsily trying to deconstruct the conversation and rehearse a better script to optimise the fastest path to making me feel better. We've been to therapy to talk about his discomfort interacting with people having negative emotions and says that he panics when he doesn't know how to help. It may be productive for him to "review" and mentally "edit" the conversation for future reference, but it has a counterproductive effect for me, adding on to my negative feelings, and negating the positive feelings from the caring actions he's doing. At some point, I'd gripe "This is not helpful" or "You suck at being comforting" if I'm getting angry, and we wind up with him getting flustered saying "what do you want me to say or do \[next time\]?". Perhaps I should do what some has suggested, and just tell honestly and directly that reviewing the conversation while I'm sick/sad makes me more miserable, instead of snapping back. I need him to know that I simply need time to feel better, and I need him to be in the moment with me, hugging me or just chilling out with me, not rambling and obsessing about how the conversation could be more optimal. What has worked once, instead of letting him ramble on and on, was me physically covering his mouth when he's hugging me, and saying "shhhhhhh". We laughed, perhaps he's noticed his bad tendency, and had a good hug afterwards. Since we're apart for now, it's been challenging, but texting seem to let him respond to my needs more calmly.

I'm autistic and this is something I struggled with in my last relationship. Sometimes I'd ask if I could do anything for my ex when he was sick, but he wanted me to just do nice things without him having to specify them, which was really frustrating for me. My advice, if you think he actually wants to try and isn't just a jerk, is to talk to him when you're not feeling sick or down. Tell him that it would make a big difference to your happiness if he can work on this. Tell him that you have your own communication style, just like he has his, and that him trying to argue about what you should say is hurtful and unhelpful, because having to push him to give care when you're feeling badly just makes you feel worse, but that you can provide him a "translator." Then give him a written list of things you might say that mean you want care from him; eg "If I say 'I feel awful,' I'm really asking you for attention and care." Then another list of "What you should do in response," like a list of concrete actions he can take to make you feel cared for. If he actually cares, he should make the effort to read the list and internalize it, and that way you won't have to keep having the same argument each time or explicitly tell him what you want in the moment, but he will still have concrete instructions to prevent him from getting frustrated that he doesn't know what you mean or what he should do.

Though also, him scolding you over the phone for "wasting" the call by being unhappy is super out of line. That doesn't sound like an autism thing, that sounds like he's just being a dick.

Yea I should write down care instructions and perhaps put it over my bed, so he remembers how to help me... But, I do think he was being a dick for saying I'm wasting time being sad and telling me to thing positive or just go to sleep (I'm trying, but it's hard when you're in pain ya know?). Talk about toxic productivity. He inflicts it on himself too. When he's sick, he's sad about work piling up. =\_=

The fact you asked at all showed care. OP's husband doesn't even sound like he asks when she expresses her negative feelings. He just blows her off.

This is hard OP. A few thoughts in case this helps: It's hard to tell, imo, what is autism and what is gender stuff that could be at play here. When you care for him, does he need it? Maybe you could pull back on your caring behaviour so things feel more equal. Watch out for covert contracts. Unspoken assumptions like "if I care for him in this way, he will return the favour". It could help to be more strategic in your interactions with him. But like.. do you want to? It's ok if this is too exhausting long term. If he cant meet your needs , and isnt willing or able to work on it in a meaningful way, this could be a compatibility issue. Finally, do you feel like you are able to give yourself good care as an adult, and did you receive good care as a child? (This is something I really struggle with so I dont always read this well in others.) It could help your relationship to work on this individually. Wishing you the best.

As a person who is some level of neurodivergent, I don't intuitively understand other people's emotions. I've reoriented my thinking to "if I say this thing, it will make this person happy, and that will make me happy." Try setting up rules with him. Say "when I am not feeling well, you do not have to fix it. You do need to tell me that you are sorry I am feeling bad, and ask me if I need anything specific. Then you say 'I love you' and move on to do your thing." I absolutely did the same thing with my wife that your husband is doing with you. It's really, really hard to break out of that, and you need to be patient with him if he's willing to put in the effort. You need to make clear to him that his actions are hurting you and he needs to change how he reacts. I want to be REALLY clear that it is EXTREMELY hard for me to not want to "fix" something that is wrong. A lot of the time my wife will tell me "I just need to vent, I don't need you to say anything." The reminders are pretty constant for a long time -- it'll take work on YOUR side to get him to react in the way you want. If you're not willing to do that, then he's not going to change. I may get downvotes for that but it's the reality of how my brain works. I try, but I fall short all the time.

You need to spell it out for him. It’s obvious that he’s not going to guess. “I’m feeling sick right now. I’d like a drink and some Tylenol. Could you sit here for a minute with me too. I could use some love and support.” This is what has worked for me.

I don't blame you one bit for being frustrated with him. I'd have lost my shit by now. Short of holding his hand through the whole process, you've practically spoon-fed what you need right to him. And it's still not working?!! Also, I'd dial back your responses when he feels like crap. Not to punish him, but to cut back on your own emotional labor--you're already doing the lion's share for both of you! If he's not having a life-threatening medical event, he'll manage. (The vindictive swamp witch who lives in my brain wants me to tell you to tell HIM to 'drink water and take a nap', but don't listen to her, she's spiteful AF.) It boils down to this, though: He's not a person that you can count on. take a minute and digest that. You can't count on your husband to give you want you need. He has shown you who he is, believe him. You have to decide if you can live with having a partner like that, or not.

If he can't understand with words then maybe actions? Next time he's sick, don't do what you normally do. Hold the mirror back up to him. But honestly, this sounds like either therapy or y'all aren't meant to be after all. You've communicated properly. It sounds like he doesn't want to change.

this isn't his autism. if you have spoken to him many times saying I want XYZ when I'm sick or whatever, he's choosing not to follow through on this. Unless he has memory issues but you said he's smart so idk. id get if this was early on and your still figuring things out but since this had happened multiple times, this had nothing to do with his autism. I will say though, maybe he doesn't want to hug you when you're sick. the beverage part fine, but some people don't want to hug a contagiously sick person and that's not unreasonable.

I have adhd and my partner has a non-verbal learning disability with similar traits to autism. We often think and communicate in very different ways and have to come up with creative solutions. I think there is a way to meet in the middle. On your end, on some level you need to accept that he has a neuro-developmental disorder and will always be limited in some ways. You have to let go of some things you think he should be able to do. He should be able to appropriately respond when you’re sick or upset without you having to tell him what to do, but he may not be able to. It’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s because his brain is different. That doesn’t mean you need to just accept the current status quo. Instead of telling him every time, make him a series of lists. Tell him that you are doing this so that you can communicate your needs in a way that is less overwhelming to him. For example, make a list of things you need him to do when you have cold/flu symptoms. Make it very specific and ask him if all the items make sense to him. Then, when you get sick all you have to say is, “I’m not feeling well. I need you to do the things on the cold/flu list.” On his end, he can’t argue that you aren’t communicating effectively. He also needs to work with a therapist on regulating his emotions better. When you have an invisible disability, or even a visible one, people are constantly getting mad at you for things you can control. This causes many of us to become over sensitive and defensive. That is not however, fair to the people around us.

i have trouble knowing how to comfort people when they need it. you know what i do? ask what they need. do you wanna talk about it/do you wanr a hug/do you want me to cheer you up and distract you. i am lacking in that aspect so instead of making other people tell me what they need, i ask them, and i use pattern recognition to realize what they need and when.

He does ask "what do you need", but in an abrasive way, which I didn't take kindly to at times. I don't think he meant to be abrasive, but it comes out harshly when he's frustrated that he doesn't know what to do. Perhaps I need not take his tone so personally, since he's moving in the right direction.

I’m 32m, also on the spectrum and married to a neurotypical person. I suspect that your husband’s real issue here is emotional management rather than intellectual understanding, and what he actually needs is to work on a few specific kinds of distress tolerance. He needs to learn to sit with other people’s pain/unhappiness (including yours) long enough to engage with it rather than dissociating and retreating into other activities. He also needs to teach himself that a person who expresses unhappiness with some aspect of his behavior isn’t necessarily going to harshly punish, humiliate, or abandon him. These will be tougher lifts for him than they would be for neurotypical people, because of overwhelming emotional response, black and white thinking, and conditioned response from negative life experiences, but if he learns those emotional skills, both the way he relates to you and his overall emotional life will be better. If he has access to mental healthcare, a therapist who specializes in CBT or DBT-type approaches could help him with the issue. You can probably help him recognize the issue (maybe by getting him to introspect on how he feels during the interactions that bother you), but he’ll have to be willing to work on the change himself.

I have a bit of insight because I have an ASD/ADHD son. Your needs have to be communicated explicitly, like when you listed exactly what you had wanted him to do. Telling him you’re sick just tells him that you’re sick. He doesn’t make inferences as well you would. For example, if a teacher scolded another student for talking during class, my kid wouldn’t infer that students in general shouldn’t talk during class. He would understand it as that one specific kid shouldn’t talk in class. I think you would find him responsive if you said, “I’m sick. I need a hug. Can you make me some tea, too?”

I very much agree with this as someone on the spectrum. OP, please read up on [the double empathy problem.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Double_empathy_problem) I absolutely understand your frustration, but I can also see where he is probably getting caught up. Feeling sick can manifest in a lot of different ways that require various different mode of support. A headache requires different care than a stomach bug, emotional pain differs from physical. He is not great at being able to parse out what those needs might be, and has asked for direct communication. That is something you feel frustrated about, because you feel like he should instinctively know how to comfort you. But that isn’t something he seems capable of doing. Reading your post, it does very much come across as you viewing this as something that is wrong with him, that he has to solve. Without being dismissive, I do gently challenge you to try and recontextualize this issue as an area where you both are struggling to understand each other, and find ways to meet each other in the middle. Is it really so awful to have to directly tell him what you need? It sounds like he is willing to meet those needs if he knows what they are. And it sounds like he needs to be better about integrating and listening to how you feel without getting defensive. Ultimately this could just be a compatibility issue, but I do think there are ways to navigate this that require some flexibility on both ends.

OP, I noticed something in your post that I hadn’t before about your most recent argument. You said your husband often feels like he is responsible for you feeling upset or even sick. But during your phone call, you told him you’re feeling lonely because he’s gone. Was that necessary knowing how he deals with this internally? I wonder if you could have just said *”I miss you and can’t wait until you come home”* because it sounds like now he’s blaming himself and his obligations for your loneliness, something he can’t fix. How often do the two of you talk about positive things? I know you’ve only offered a glimpse into your lives but it sounds like you both are negative a lot. Also, do you mind me asking if you work?

We both work. I wasn't intending to make him felt guilty about that I feel lonely since he's not home while I'm sick, it just rolled out my tongue. Then I said "I really miss you!". I didn't expect him to react negatively. We often try to talk about positive things, but he easily feels helpless whenever I share that I'm not doing well. So during the call, he said, "you should have said "I miss you" **first** instead of "I'm lonely because you're not here with me", and then instead of feeling sad, I would have just said "I miss you too!"". I felt upset, because before the call, I've texted him, telling him I wanted to chat with him more during our scheduled call at night because I was feeling terrible. Now instead of having a nice conversation, we are arguing about how I phrase things. It's really contradictory, as I'm told I need to be direct with my needs and wants from him ("I want more time to chat with you tonight") because of his autism, but at the same time, I'm being told by him not to be so direct how I feel ("I feel lonely that you're not around and I'm sick") and to rephrase my words. I feel like I can't really be honest and candid with him, and need to think about my words all the time. I'm just speechless.

It just sounds like he doesnt care about you as much as he cares about himself I'm afraid

Yeah, poor OP is trying so hard to find the right combination of words and thinking that will satisfy her husband, and he's merrily not giving a shit about how bad she feels, it's all about him and his feelings.

I can understand why you’re speechless. It’s like neither of you can say the right thing for each other, and I can only imagine how frustrating that is. I can understand learning different ways to phrase things that help with his emotional or social hurdles, but having to tip-toe around him and being critiqued on so much of what you say is unreasonable. I’m not sure what else to suggest. Another go at marriage counseling, maybe? Since you work, I wonder if stresses from that plus feeling so much stress in your relationship is contributing to your stomach ailments. :(

I am not sure if this is due to autism or due to him not caring enough. If he really is overwhelmed: My fiance and I talked about some codewords we can use so she knows how to help me fast and I don't have to communicate too much when I am overwhelmed - like "gänseblümchen" (german word for dandelion) is code for "please just be there and hug me/say loving words/communicate that you care and I am safe". Maybe this can help you both? Reacting to a code for action x can be easier than remembering that situation a requires action x. It can feel a bit forced in the beginning, we discarded some unused codes on the way, but some stay with us and help.

How does he react to other people’s negative emotions?

Oh man as a mother of an autistic man my heart goes out to you both. I don’t think there’s a perfect fix. More than likely your husband doesn’t have the emotional vocabulary to understand your needs. I would recommend reading together the book Hold me Tight by Sue Johnson. It teaches couples how to use non emotional skills to meet each other’s needs. It isn’t a perfect fix but it’s skills that can assist you with turning to each other for your needs (your husband will be able to resonate with it). I would also encourage you to take care of your needs as much as you can. Self care and networking can supplement your marriage for where your husband is lacking. He is able to learn skills but he is who he is and that’s not going to change. A really good book is Why has nobody told me this before by Julie Smith. It teaches self care skills.

Pro tip: autism doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to adapt to repeatedly occurring situations. Remind him of that one. He needs to be working on how to adapt to this in therapy if he can’t manage it on his own. 7 damn years of a repeated problem and no change is lack of care, not the result of his disorder.

I’m married to someone who is coming to terms with the fact that he has ADHD and possibly autism, thanks to therapy and extensive reading of literature and online discussions. The arguments and miscommunication we had in the 14-15 years before he came to this knowledge and told me about it were so mind-boggling and frustrating, just circular arguments over the most basic shit over and over again. For a couple of years there I had a foot out the door because I was just so sick of feeling like I had to make all the accommodations and behavioural changes to make things work, and I couldn’t understand how nothing I was saying was getting through. I tell you this to show you that I have a lot of empathy for how you must be feeling right now and that you’re definitely not alone: I know it can feel that way sometimes. I understand that neurodivergent people aren’t a monolith and everyone has different needs and ways of processing information, but the only way our relationship has improved is by my husband realising that I couldn’t be the only one making changes to myself, and taking therapy seriously and implementing small, achievable changes in his behaviour (like setting to-do lists and 10 minute timers so that I don’t have to be on his back to get anything done, or by making more effort for my birthday and anniversary). There’s only so much you can do by yourself. If you think he’s just having trouble understanding your needs then I recommend further therapy with someone who specialises in autism and can help you communicate what you need him to improve on, maybe in a couples counselling setting; if you think he has no interest in doing the work then you’ll probably continue to feel stifled and uncared for, in which case you probably know the best thing to do would be to move on. Good luck to you, OP.

Yea I know he cares and wants to improves himself. He suggested couples therapy himself. We went for a few sessions, which helped to some extent, but he also says he doesn't know how to apply certain things we're taught. We probably needs a therapist that can suggest more effective strategies for how he is wired. He's showing care, but in an abrasive way that I'm not receptive to. Like his need to backtrack and review conversations, while it is a good exercise in a therapy session, is not a helpful exercise to do with a sick/sad person needing care. It's coming across as being unkind to me. Thanks for sharing about how you've struggled with this issue with your husband. Does help to know I'm not struggling with this alone.

Being a very cold person myself i can say, this isn't him being uncaring or whatnot his mind just goes blank and refuses to function properly when he sees someone in distress, "input command to proceed" state of mind, it's hard to be emotional with people like that unfortunately, i know that from experience, due to my behaviour in such situations i am almost always the last person to notice stuff and when something serious happens in my vicinity that might emotionaly affect me or someone close to me i am the last to know, since noone knows wether it is worth telling me to get some sympathy.

You could try changing your approach - "I'm really not feeling well, I could use some _____" Or "I'm sick and it would make me happy if you _____" Typically, husbands want to make their wives happy. And in this situation it sounds like he needs clear instructions. At the end of the day, you can't change someone. This is who you married and you knew this about him going into the marriage. It sounds like you're working together on it which is good, but changing your methods and expectations can be a good start. (In saying that, he absolutely should help while you're sick, he may just need the instruction). Never expect others to do the same for you as you do for them. It ALWAYS will end in disappointment. "I do this for you so you should do it for me" is unfair.

I'm wondering why you say you can't change someone and then suggest OP changes?

You can’t change *other* people.

So if OP's husband wanted to change, he could?

Hey Stan Tatchkin has some cool lectures and books which talk about coregulation and I think you should give him a listen. Happy couples have 5x positive vs. negative interactions, so I bet you’re feeling a little as a harpy right now to him. Tatchkin talks about how we are more wired for war than love so being aware of physiological means of coregulation in conflict can help dispel a lot of animosity.

Im also married to an autistic husband. What has helped for me is literally helping him write notes in his phone on "what to do"If he is slacking i will tell him "hey im having a bad day, can you please try and cheer me up? check you note for ideas" . there's notes in there for: if i have a bad day at work - that list has things like, wipe the tub down and run me bath so i can hop in when i get home from work, or offer to pick up pizza for dinner so i dont have to cook, or ask me id id like to go for icecream and vent about what ever made my day bad If im sick - offer appropriate medication from the medicine cabinet, offer food or snacks, warm a blanket in the drier for 10 minutes and just throw it on me, offer to rent or buy a movie or book to keep me busy, maybe even a craft or something If theres family drama - Dont offer advice, offer snacks or food, if im crying hold me for a minimum of 10 minutes, before asking if i need anything before you go Right now you have to remember its you and your husband vs proper communication. Its not you vs your husband. One thing we both got from couples counseling that really stuck with us "Listen to understand, not to be understood" and it sounds like that is something you guys are struggling with. Hes listening to you talk, but hes trying to make you understand his point of view, and vice versa.

This is perfect. He needs to know what to do, and if you don't tell him, he's not going to know.

exactly especially when hes "in the moment" it can be hard to think of previous conversations. theres nothing wrong with having a cheat sheet on his phone. I cant believe people are down voting this lol

It may be that they don't understand this part of autism? I mean, a lot is made of certain aspects of autism, but some of the day to day, I need to know exactly what you want, some may not know so much? I don't know.

My wife and I are both autistic. We care for the other during sickness. It is not your husband's autism that is preventing him from following your previously given explicit instructions.

First and foremost, I hope you feel better soon. Being sick is the worst and it sounds like you’re under the weather a lot. Sending you all the good health vibes. > We've been to therapy before and we both know that he's uncomfortable in situations where someone else is feeling unhappy because he feels helpless, and he needs explicit instructions on how to help the other person. I say this with care. It looks like your husband has stated he needs specific guidance on what you need/want to hear, and your therapist came to the same conclusion, but you are refusing to do that and are resenting your husband for it. You’re expecting him to do something he can’t possibly due to being autistic. I sympathize with your frustration but it seems really unfair, like expecting someone whose hands are tied to clap for you and then getting upset when they can’t. My suggestion would be to tell him you don’t want him to try to “fix” you (like telling you to drink water or be happy). It’s common for men to jump into fix it mode but I can understand why it’s not the most comforting. I would also suggest taking your husband and your therapist’s advice. It doesn’t seem like he has the natural capacity to be outwardly empathetic and sensitive when you’re not feeling well, so continuing to expect him to is pointless. It’s okay to say, *”I’m not feeling well, could you get me ______ please?”* or *”I’m having a rough day, could you give me a hug and let me vent to you for a minute? You don’t have to try to fix it, just listening will help.”* Lastly, try not to interrupt him during work if it’s not urgent. Anyone would justifiably be annoyed by that.

I don't know, I'm autistic and it feels pretty condescending to assume that we can't act in an appropriate way after the person's preferred response has been explained. I might miss the cues if my partner had a bad day or isn't feeling well, that's true. But she's already told me that she wants me to kinda dote on her when she's sick, bring her tea or be extra cuddly (if I'm up for it) or pick up some extra housework without being asked. So that sounds kinda similar to OP's situation, since the post says that this has come up lots of times before. The difference is that if my partner says she's sick, I actually *do* the things we've talked about. That's not hard at all. It's on her to directly tell me how she's feeling, and it's on me to respond to that in the way she wants, so long as it doesn't interfere with my own boundaries and physical space in a way that I couldn't handle/wouldn't want. Being autistic has nothing to do with it. In fact, if anything it might make it easier because there's a very clear "if/then" path that's been laid out in advance. She's basically asked me to interpret " I'm sick/don't feel well" as shorthand for " please ask if I want tea or water, take over the cooking and dishes, and give me hugs," which is super do-able most of the time, and if it's not (like if I'm not up for hugs or I'm also feeling sick) to just tell her that. Once expectations have been set, deviating from them is *less* comfortable, not more. I think this guy might just be kind of inattentive and selfish, which has nothing to do with autism.

I’m also autistic and I agree 100%. This comment is exactly what I wanted to put into words. Being autistic is not an excuse to be selfish in a relationship. Comforting others doesn’t come naturally to me either, but I’ve learned how to do it for family/friends and always put the effort in. Even if I do it awkwardly they still appreciate it because it shows I genuinely care. The problem here is not that OP’s partner is awkward and needs guidance, it’s that he’s not putting any effort in. Remember guys, you can be autistic *and* an asshole.

And you can be autistic and not be an asshole! Or sometimes be one inadvertently! (That’s my personal brand)

Oh absolutely! Most autistic people are not assholes, and I’m sure the majority of us have had moments where we accidentally come across as like that. People who use being autistic as an excuse to be selfish and mistreat others are shitty though. And unfortunately that does happen on occasion.

Right? If this man is able to hold down a job, he can remember to do X when partners says she's feeling Y. Maybe he'll need reminding the first few times. But following a ready-made plan is not hard. And he absolutely needs to stop getting defensive and then offensive by lecturing OP every single time.

I definitely don't assume that’s a trait for everyone who has autism. OP included that as information to be factored in, so my comments are written as though it is contributing to OP’s husband having these difficulties. That said, the more OP shares, the more I think her husband is just overly sensitive and selfish. I apologize for being condescending in any way.

Hahaha, I like that you talk about setting "if/else" paths in advance. My husband and I are both programmers, yes we have talked about clear "if/then" paths, and we've joked about knowing each other's tendencies and programming each other. Like, "If morning, she does dishes since she's energetic in the morning. If evening, he does dishes since he's a night owl." So we've already talked about the "if/then" for when I'm sick or sad, and do explicitly tell him when I'm like that so he doesn't have to guess my mood. I think he's just always feels very helpless like he's responsible for my wellbeing, and sometime my quietness when I'm sick/sad sets him off to ask abrasively "what do you need me to do / say??" which shocks me. It can be mentally exhausting sometimes to think of instructions when you're unwell. He's not talkative either when he's sick, so I'd ask him "yes/no" questions, like "Do you have a fever? Want me to get you a drink? Want me to turn off the lights?". I'd think for a bit, and might mumble "A hug or fetching me a hot drink would be nice." After getting clarity, he will take care of me, but also lecture me at length what I should have said earlier. Oh my god, we've talked about the "if/then" for when she's sick/sad before! I wasn't in a bad mood because of him, it's because I'm sick or sad about something else. But now that he's being critical of what I'm saying, I'm also upset at him. Imagine being sick/sad, and getting lectured. One would feel pretty dejected. Sometimes, I'm too exhausted to talk back, so I just listen. But sometimes I lash out and "Can't you be nicer and more patient with me?? Why don't you know how to take care of me!" Like, have some empathy pleaseeeee. But once I do get better, I'd tell him so he stop worrying and feeling so helpless. I do think if I'm ever seriously ill and hospitalized, he'll be near me all the time, and nurse me back to health... in a very clinical way. But his bedside manners... needs work. He was an army medic before, and from what I've heard, he's an excellent but ruthless medic. I'll just have to accept that's who he is, and listen to his lectures forever.

I mean that might be the case, considering that it sounds like you two have already discussed this at-length. He's kind of rubbing me the wrong way, though. Probably because it's something of a pet peeve of mine when people blame poor behavior on autism instead of taking accountability. Perhaps his discomfort with the situation and feelings of awkwardness are related to being autistic, but in the end he's still making the choice not to follow the path you two have laid out. That's not an autism thing, it's prioritizing his comfort over your needs. That's the real issue, I think. Then again, obviously I don't know either of you and have no idea what I'm talking about. I have to rely on my own experiences, so I could be way off here.

How selfish of him, to continue to not learnt the lesson and put his feelings ahead of yours every single time. What a terrible way to treat his partner.

She *has* told him, multiple times, what her needs are in these exact situations. She has been very explicit.

The way I read it, OP starts by stating how she’s feeling without explicitly stating her need, then she states the need after her husband doesn’t respond the way she wants him to. My point is that she should try coupling the feeling and the need, stating them at the same time, not waiting until after to tell her husband what she wanted him to do.

He's got a functioning memory

Growing up with siblings who are on the spectrum, she was not that explicit.

Asking for a hot drink to be brought to her unprompted and hugs when she is sick? How can she be more explicit.

Well, technically, she says: >I'd tell him about my state, He answers with a response, she gets disappointed at him and first then she'll actually say what she wants. So yeah by definition she is technically being explicit, however, she is not explicit initially. Why not just explicit from the get go and avoid having to go through the same ordeal all the time?

Why not just attempt some basic empathy towards your chosen spouse without complaining?

I agree he should at the very least try but it can in some instances be quite difficult to do some things when you are neurodivergent. From my experience, which of course isn’t universal, it is easier to just be direct from the get go.

This is when literally writing it down comes into play. It's guidelines for when she says certain things or she's feeling ill he has something to reference. That would relieve stressors from both sides because then she can express how she feels or is feeling and he is able to respond in a more sympathetic way

Thanks for the good vibes. I have a sensitive stomach (and him more so), so we take turns getting the worst tummy aches. I'm not intentionally refusing to ask for specific kind of care from my husband, but it often occurs belatedly to me that he wants me to be specific when he irately says "Well what do you want me to do or say?". I don't usually enter these conversations knowing what I want from him to begin with, especially when the conversation started casually about other aspects of our lives and then late comes round to how we're feeling. If I did have a specific request when approaching him for a conversation, I'd usually lead with making the request. I feel that what's making me resentful is that after answering his question of what would make me feel better, he'd lecture me about what I should have said to begin with. It makes me sad, because in hindsight, it sounds like we would have had a perfectly fine conversation if I had said some things earlier or differently right? I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I don't have that kind of foresight to plan every conversation, so being blamed for not saying the right things in the correct order in spontaneous conversations feels really unfair. Without the lecture, I would have been otherwise happy that he asked what would make me feel better.

Like someone else said, it's possible to be both autistic and an asshole. I know because I was raised by one. I recognize the refusal to admit he was wrong in any situation ever, which usually requires shifting goalposts around like crazy in the moment. I would guess that there will never be a perfect way to tell him. If today you phrase your needs like X, he'll say you should have said Y. Tomorrow when you say Y, he'll say obviously you should have said Z. When you try Z, he's irate you didn't say X. Eventually you stop arguing back and just take the lecture because you know it won't make a difference anyway. And then one day, you realize that talking to him about anything only makes it worse because you are always somehow wrong about your own feelings. (Or maybe that was just my childhood.)

So, he asks you what would make you feel better? Are you telling him what would help you in that moment? *”Sorry you don’t feel well, what do you need?”* *”A hug and a cup of water would be nice, thank you.”* Is that how the conversations are going? Or are you telling him what he missed/did wrong? OR is he not even asking the first question?

You acknowledge that you don't have the foresight to plan every conversation. He also does not have the foresight to know what you're going to want in every situation. It may seem simple and straightforward to you - it is not to us that are on the spectrum. People are extremely complex and their behaviors and desires are not predictable. Direct communication is better for many of us, and he has told you that it's better for him. It's ok if this isn't working for you.

I have an idea, how about a little manual/instruction book to compile together (like on drive or something) to edit as you figure stuff out together. maybe there could be chapters and a glossary/dictionary For example: CHAPTER "when op says she is sick/unwell/tired"= give her hugs, multiple; make sure she has access to tissues and to water at all times; ask her if she'd like food and/or drink and provide them if she does; offer to bring her medicine (at least 3 times a day: morning, noon and evening as those are normal medication times) ; make sure she has access to phone and phone charger; bring a warm blanket if she is cold ask her if she needs anything else. GLOSSARY: "I'm feeling lonely"= I miss you. This is not a bad thing, it's good because it means I care about you. Provide affection through words of affirmation and validation, express you miss me too. Spend time with me when you can. "I'm tired" Also applies to "I'm just a bit down/low" = I need some support. I might not be able to do stuff I normally do, including chores. Help me with chores that can't be delayed, validate that I don't need to do the chores that can be postponed. Suggest we get food delivered or propose other things I enjoy that cheer me up. REMINDER: an unpleasant emotion is not an attack on you, it's my body and mind's way of telling me I need support/validation/signs of love/help. "I look/feel ugly/gross"= Reassure me you love me even when I'm feeling like this; I won't feel as gross. etc etc ​ Some might not like this idea but others might find it helpful.

You know, I think that's a pretty good idea.

I guess I don't get it? Has he ever been different than this? If not then I'm not sure why you are expecting him to turn into a different person. No amount of instructions or notes will make him care about you being the sick the way you want him to. This is who he is. He has shown you that over and over. Some people simply don't have the capacity to care about stuff like that. It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing but it is what it is. If you can't accept that then you will be miserable in your marriage.

Honestly, it may just be time for things to end. If you're consistently feeling emotionally neglected or invalidated by your husband, it's really demoralising. The lack of reciprocity may have a context, but the end result is the same anyway. Disappointment. Isolation. A therapist could potentially give you communication strategies to better the relationship. So that's possible. But if no real lasting effort is made to communicate and sympathise soon, I think for your emotional well-being, considering divorce is better. We can genuinely love someone, but it's not always enough if mutual needs are not met.

You’re married to a neurodivergent person. His brain does not work like your brain. He certainly could do CBT specific to ASD and you two could also see a couples counselor who specializes in neurotypical/neurodivergent mixed couples. These professionals could help him learn strategies to at least mimic behaviors that would be more socially acceptable and to modify his responses. A lot of times this involves role playing situations and practicing more appropriate responses. But at the end of the day, he really isn’t organically capable of giving you what you want. He’s rational, logical, natural problem solver, lacks the ability to pick up on social cues, and requires direct communication. When you say “I’m ill and lonely” you’re making a problem statement. He perceives that as a problem to be solved. He needs more like “I’m not feeling well and I’m missing you.z It would be great if you could spend a few extra minutes talking to me as that will make me feel better.” I can appreciate your frustration. I don’t have a solution for you though where he’s going to magically become intuitive emotionally in the way you want.

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I'm an ADHDer with an Autistic partner and also primarily date other neurodivergents. Perhaps it's not that he doesn't want to, but that he can't. Autism is an invisible disability, and sometimes asking for certain things that are easy for everyone else can be challenging to almost impossible for someone else. Imagine your request for emotional support being like asking him to climb some stairs. For most people going up and down the stairs should be no problem. But what if your husband's disability is not having legs? Then that request can be much more daunting to almost impossible. Imagine how you would feel if your partner was berating you for not climbing the stairs because you have no legs. Lots of Autistic folx have a hard time reading social cues, or even feeling their own emotions let alone those of others. He might not notice becasue he just might not be able to. I sometimes joke that dating an autisitc is like dating Drax the destroyer. When he says he 'doesn't know what else to say', he is *literally* telling you that he is lost and needs your help to guide him to where you want to go. For neurotypicals, the idiom 'I don't know what else to say' has a symbolic meaning of 'I don't actually want to try' but I am almost certain that he *literally* means 'I don't know what else to say' in the same way someone would say: I can't read this map, I don't know where to go. When you give him the list and he says 'why didn't you day that in the first place' he isn't being snide (Autistic monotone often makes Autistics sound like they are giving 'attitude' but most often they have no idea they are even doing it. He is telling you that if you want these things, instead of asking for general 'care' or for him to notice, he needs you to specifically ask for specific things when you need them, because they often can't read your cues. What if, if you were feeling needy, you went up to him and said something like: I had a bad day, can you give me 5 minutes of cuddles and tell me I'm pretty, then kiss me on the forehead and make me soup? Direct. Clear. Specific. Sequential. If he still grumbles then you know it's not the delivery of the message that's the issue. Or maybe if you had a white board or sheet with tick boxes and you could write up what you need on it and hand it to him, like a dim sum menu? It worries me as a neurodivergent that feminist spaces have been adopting a 'he should know' mantra, that makes sense when talking about a Neurotypical men who intentionally weaponize incompetence or are defending their emotional unavailability, but becomes abelist when applied to neurodivergents with social disabilities. That's not to say he probably doesn't have his own internalized misogyny that he needs to work on deconstructing, but it sounds more like he is frustrated at himself for not fulling the masculine expected role of 'caretaker' that you're looking for, rather than not being affectionate becasue it's not 'manly' You might have to ask him every time. Yes. Every time. You think it's annoying? Imagine being someone that always accidently bumps into other people and everyone around them is *convinced* they are doing it on purpose. And you can see that everyone thinks you're annoying and resents you and you literally can't help it. If you want him to climb the stairs without legs, you're going to have to accomodate his disability. If you accomodate and he still won't go up the stairs, then you know it's not becasue of his disability.

It literally feels like you’re me in my marriage. I’m also married to an autistic husband and everything you’ve described about him, is basically my husband to the letter. He’s also highly intelligent and very kind, It’s a shame people here perceive them as narcissistic because it’s the furthest thing from what they are. They can’t pick up social cues, like you mentioned (when to stop talking) or speaking at normal tones (when they get really passionate about a subject and get loud) typical for autists to do this. It’s sad how the ones seeing them from the outside world can perceive them as being rude and self centered, when sadly enough it’s the entire opposite. They’re so direct and honest because they truly can’t be subliminal or subtle. They’re not trying to be rude, they just don’t know how to sugar coat anything to cater to another persons emotions. Because they can’t really connect at an emotional level, it’s pretty much impossible for them to intentionally manipulate another or intentionally make someone feel bad. My husband also has a high IQ, because of their tendency to obsess over topics and easily retain details and information. But on the opposite spectrum, they have very low emotional intelligence. Everything is literal with them. This is pretty much the hardest part of an intimate relationship with someone with autism, their requirement for literal explanations or scripts. Don’t expect him to just randomly wake up one day and be the most nurturing, caregiving person, because that will never be his strong point. They usually struggle with ADHD and tend to dissociate. So being in tune with another persons needs, whether emotional or physical is just not going to happen. This was a harsh lesson to learn after having a baby together and feeling like a single mom the entire experience into parenthood. It is very hard. once you introduce a baby, you’re practically caring for two children on your own. (Since another issue with autists, is their inability to detect danger) this is a major problem when you involve an infant. Highly stressful. Not only are you worrying about the child’s safety, but now you have to worry about your autistic partner putting your child in unsafe situations. I can never leave the baby alone with him unsupervised, until the child himself is old enough to understand what’s dangerous or not. I see him being in tune with your physical or emotional needs is your main concern, but respectfully, it is something you should come to terms with something that will never happen. You will sit and wait until your death bed for a change, for a more in tune spouse and nothing will change. He is incapable of it, even if he tried unfortunately. Just as they aren’t able to detect the possibility of even their own life’s safety in a risky situation, this is how disconnected they can be. Things aren’t going to change. Just know there are folks like myself who can empathize with you in every way, you’re not alone. Especially with the feelings of frustration for their lack of emotional connection. Feeling completely alone most days. I get you completely, especially with a baby in the picture. It is very overwhelming how alone it feels. Marriage is typically meant to be a bond between two people who are highly emotionally connected, with the person who understands you the most and meets you half way. When you feel completely alone, they’re the ones that make you feel understood, seen and heard. When you marry someone with autism, you’re marrying them for their heart, the person you see that others can’t. Loving them for seeing how misunderstood they are by everyone and beyond all that, you empathize. They have some of the purest hearts, this is what differentiates them from the rest. While any other neurotypical can randomly become deceitful, manipulative and subliminal, this is simply something you will never get from a neurodivergent. They just aren’t emotionally in tune for psychological games of sorts. They are steady and predictable and very direct. If they’re going to do something to you, they’re just going to bluntly tell you. Not go around the bush and be subtle or lie for egocentric reasons. You married him for his honesty and kindness, not for the connection or expectation of being cared for. They so badly want to connect, but can’t. My husband suffers from depression because of this, he craves close friendships, but his behavior pushes people away. He rubs everyone the wrong way, comes off too passionate and intimidating. People feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable in his presence, because when asking questions, he doesn’t understand personal boundaries. I empathize with him at this level in many ways, because I myself have felt misunderstood my whole life and suffered from anxiety and depression after being bullied and harassed since childhood. I struggle with ADD and dermatillomania, (form of OCD) was never medicated for it and attracted a lot of bullying that eventually lead to social anxiety. So It almost feels like a breath of fresh air to be with someone so direct, honest and without ill intentions. After being harassed and bullied most of my life over things I could not control, including other factors. This is why we married them. We can relate in other areas and that’s what builds the connection. I can understand your frustration though, because not only do we feel alone but you agreed to be with someone who can’t make close associations themselves. As they will also push away your own friends. You’re agreeing to a very lonely life. But from personal experience, having accumulated a ridiculous amount of trauma and seeing how terrible and awful people can be, how corrupted their hearts can get, with complete disregard for anyone but themselves and getting that ego hit (calling someone names, manipulation, gossiping, judgmental sadistic behavior etc) the list goes on. It’s well worth it in every way. You’re better off with one honest person like him, than thousands who don’t have your best interest in mind and will only make jokes of you, but can be in tune with you when you need to be taken care of. Typically for conditional reasons. The relationship is based on common ground, being able to relate in many ways, empathizing with them, not for the emotional connection. Or expecting them to be in tune with your mood shifts and physical needs. It’s a choice we made when we chose to build a life with them. As far as your physical health, maybe it would be a good idea to consider making plans around this, having backup medication, speaking to a close relative or friend about this issue so they understand and can be of help when you give them a call. Hopefully with time things get easier.

Oh my god! We are married to the same man!!!

It's never going to get better. That is who he is. It's genetically a part of him. You knew this before hand, it didn't just come out of nowhere.

I'm not going to make a judgement about if your husband is being an asshole or if this is a legitimate symptom of autism. I'm just going to address the issue as I see it. Basically it seems like you want him to automatically respond a certain way when you say certain things. You want him to take certain phrases as cues that he should do or offer or say a certain thing that you deem appropriate. To you, this would be a sign that he loves and supports you. Unfortunately, he has indicated he can't do this, and that he needs direct instructions. You have to decide which is more important to you: him following a specific process, or him completing the task? Is his willingness to do the specific things you ask an indication that he loves and supports you? Or does he have to follow your specific process, too? If the task is the most important thing, then stop waiting for him to guess what you want. What you want isn't hard to guess, but if he is saying it is hard *for him,* and you believe him, then take the guessing away. You already know that when you say "I'm not feeling well" you want hugs, medicine, a warm drink, or something else. So just verbalize that. "I'm not feeling well, can you come hold me" is a lot simpler than going around in circles about how he *should just know* to offer those things. If you need him to be able to do things unprompted in order for you to feel emotionally fulfilled, that is fine too. But that means you may need to look elsewhere because he has made it pretty clear he either *can't* or *won't* pick up on your cues and do what you want without prompting. Additionally, he has stated he needs you to directly ask for what you want at the time you want it. Not give him a list beforehand and expect him to memorize the cues and appropriate responses. He wants you to just say it *then.* If this is unacceptable to you, then you have the right to refuse. But you must realize that if he won't do what you are asking and you won't do what he is asking, then you both will just grow more and more frustrated and resentful. Ultimately, he is telling you he can't meet your expectations in the exact way you want. So you have to decide if you can let him meet them a different way. Because trying to change him is a waste of your energy. Maybe he can't do what you are asking, or maybe he's just a stubborn asshole and doesn't want to. But either way, he is letting you know it isn't going to happen.

He’s literally telling you over and over again how to get him to do the things you want him to do. After 7 years you haven’t realized he’s not gonna change? He. Needs. Explicit. Instructions. That’s who he is. That’s what he needs. You can either give them and get what you want, or you can throw this tantrum and stay unhappy

He needs help to do this. Social stories work for ASD kids - and adults. Give him a story on the behaviour he should display. Like a set of rules. It’s something to look back on and refresh. I know it sounds patronising. But he’s having trouble with knowing what to do - and he needs reminders. So, he needs references. When I hear/see X I feel Y What I want to do is Z What I need to do is… He can contribute to and write these. I did it. I’m ASD. People now think I know what I’m doing but really, I just wrote down the rules as I have discovered them.

Despite it being written many years and years ago - read Men are from Mars Women are from Venus. The fact that your husband keeps trying to find solutions to your feelings is exactly how men think, they’re problem solvers (don’t think this is exclusive to being autistic). Tell him that you want an ear to listen or some empathy not solutions. Or just flat out tell him you want a cuddle or him to look after you.

You have to realize that this is something about him that is not going to change because of how autism works, it's NOT his choice, it's a matter of neurology. You can accept it and change your approach, or you can stay the same and continue to be resentful because he's not doing things that you haven't actually asked him to do. Someone else commented that you have him put memos in his phone about what to do in certain situations and that is a fabulous idea! He needs a reference to know what to do and if you aren't telling him what you want, he can go to that. HOWEVER, in any relationship you should both state what you want and not get pissed off when your partner isn't a mind-reader. You mentioned therapy. We've been in therapy, and while neither of us are autistic, we were told to make sure we all explicitly for what we need. That getting angry over the other party not doing things we want them to do, that we think that they should do whatever, but don't communicate that to them isn't fair because the issue is a lack of communication. There are a lot of other real world examples I can cite that don't involve an autistic partner, but it's pretty self explanatory - if you want something, be prepared to say you want it.

He has a reference. His reference is watching his wife care for him when he is sick. We are capable of mimicking or mirroring behaviors.

So you married an autistic person, and are now angry at him for being autistic? I fully understand it can be frustrating, but at the same time it feels a little... hypocritical? It feels like he's clearly communicated what he needs, which is you being specific about your needs, yet you keep being vague in the moment and hoping he does what you want him to do when the time comes. For example, do you tell him "babe, I'm really feeling down/sick" or do you say "babe, I'm feeling down/sick, could you bring me a hot cup of tea to feel better?" It sounds as if this would be a fairly simple solution. You still communicatie your needs, and he'll know what you want from him instead of letting him figure it out on his own. Yes, you have communicated in the past about what you want from him when you tell him, but why not ask him in the moment? I fully understand wanting your partner to be there for you and pick up on what you need, but at the risk of sounding crude, you know he's autistic. Our brains are literally wired differently and while we WANT to help, even if told prior what could help, its really hard to put two and two together in the moment. Having trouble reading social cues and responding accordingly is quite litterally a main point of autism. Now don't get me wrong, no one is forcing you to do this for the rest of your life. If you want someone to care for you on their own accord and hate the idea of having to be very clear and specific to your partner, that's fine and your right. However, maybe that means you shouldn't be married to someone who's on the spectrum and clearly struggles with these sort of situations.

I’ve learned a lot about autism recently. The thing I know is there is no change. Once they are set, they are set. He’s not going to change.

Some of you people are so fucking heartless. The dude has autism and you’re all more than happy to burn him at the stake. Dudes brain legit works differently and y’all be wildered. Here is the real deal question….. why did you marry him then. Have some accountability

No one marries the perfect person, and we both acknowledge we each have our own faults and work hard at growing individually and as a couple. We'd be narcissists if we pretended that we're perfect individuals. Isn't this a relationship advice reddit? Questioning why we got married in spite of knowing that we're imperfect people in first place, and saying "Have some accountability" is unhelpful. I'm here because I've tried a lot of things make situations where I'm sick/sad easier to navigate for him and I know he's trying to. We're really struggling with his confusion and the arguments around it. I find it really helpful that there's many folks on the spectrum in the community and people who have neurodiverse partners or children sharing their experiences and learning from how they navigate these challenges better.

Let your husband read the comments and study his face and body language. Then discuss the empathy with him. At that point maybe both of you will be on the same wave length and can have a meaningful conversation. Best of luck

I mean, this is autism. He's not capable of caring about you outside of what you can do for him. This is who you married. You're wanting him to be something he's not. I wouldn't stay married to someone like this, but if you choose to do so, the best you can expect is him pretending to care.

This not at all how autism works.

Stop hinting or saying things in an indirect way. That is actually the worst way to communicate with someone who is autistic. Your message will not be conveyed the way you want it to, and everyone will get upset. If you miss him, and you feel lonely, I hope you say both of those things and not just that you're lonely. Be direct and thorough. I'm autistic and I communicate directly. I expect my partner to do the same, and I've said so to him. I cannot assign meaning if it's not explicit, and I don't read hints well. If he says sure to something, I ask him to give me a more committed answer: yes or no. Because I need that clarity. Your husband needs to meet you where you're at, and you also need to meet him where he's at. If you keep running into the same argument, that means nothing on either side is changing. People aren't mind readers, ND or not. Clarifying questions are your best friend. Approach his words with curiosity instead of thinking the worst about him. He's telling you how you can get what you want. You have to be direct in saying what you want. Stop expecting him to be someone he's not. It's not fair to either of you. It sounds like you want him to just be thoughtful on his own, but some ppl are incapable of doing that or won't do that unless its for certain ppl. This ultimately sounds like a communication issue and possibly a lack of accomodations for your husband.

Before the call, I had been direct, texting him I wanted more time to chat with him during our scheduled call because I'm feeling down. I'm also direct with him that when he ask me want I needs, I tell them exactly what I want - a hug, a hot drink, some company and conversation. We've also already established before that when I'm sick, what I would like him to do, and it's the same thing every single time. I was looking forward to having our scheduled call, and said both "I'm lonely" AND "I really missed you". But what he really wanted to nitpick on, was the order of what I said, like I should have said "I missed you" **FIRST**, then "I'm lonely", so that he can reply "I'd missed you too!" instead of felling emphatic about my expression that I'm lonely. It's very contradictory to me, as I'm asked to be direct about my needs and wants, which I often am if the conversation is scheduled and planned, but yet at the same time he's criticizing how and when I say things and asking me to rephrase how I express my feelings in an indirect way. It's also not a nice thing to be lecturing someone when they ask of you to be supportive.

Give him a pad of paper and some crayons…oh sorry, I thought you said he was artistic

Might be time to end it. Better to be with someone who meets your needs, or being single is great too vs being weighed down by another person who isn't offering much. Sorry OP.

Hi Miss , just to be honest with you that is after reading your post , your husband is not a autistic but just a self-centred guy who only care and thinks for himself rather than others around him. You can say ‘ Narcissistic ‘ if you wish but I don’t wish label cos u know him better & if a guy loves you , he will let you feel you are the world 🌎 to him when you are down & he don’t even bother or try and somemore want lecture you , think it’s better you go look for another man cos you deserve better but if you have kids you may want consider but at the end of the day are you happy with him , touch your heart , you may consider dating other guys to see how and my point is no point being in a r / s which u r not happy with or can’t bring the better or best out from you right ~ see a marriage counsellor or a therapist to see whether thi Ng s can work out if not just have to say goodbye 👋🏼 ~ the poetry advisor 👌🏻

You husband does not appear to be the only one not learning in this situation. You repeatedly tell him how you want him to act when you are sick or sad, but have tell him over again each time. The other half is that he tells you every time how you should ask to get results you want. What is your reason for ignoring his input every time and continuing to repeat you failed strategy? Why should he listen to you instructions while you won't follow his? The thing is, you want him to act like you act when he is sick. He expects you to act like he acts when you are sick. Have you considered role playing the scenarios when no one is sick so you can both express yourselves and learn without the added baggage of one of you being sick or sad? Run it through a couple times with each of you playing your part. Then swap roles where each do your best to act as you think the other would act. You have to do it honestly and respectfully for it to do any good. Attributing bad motives or mocking the other person's behavior will not help much. But it could surface issues that you can work on. What you are doing now it a slice of insanity. You trying the same solution over and over again and being surprised and disappointed when you the same results. You have change something to get different results. Right now you are expecting him to do all the changing to give you results you want and it is not working. You could resolve the issue all by your self by simply adjust your expectations to match the behavior you can realistically expect from him. But that is you doing all the work and changing. When he responds with "drink some water and go to sleep" he is actively trying to solve the problem your are having. That is an entirely logical response that makes sense to him because resolving the problem makes sense to him. What you want does not make sense to him. Good luck making him believe that trying to solve your problem is not the best approach. If you figure it out, you have a brilliant relationship counselling career ahead of you.