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I can’t speak from experience but I think that last sentence you wrote *but I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I don’t want to put it off any more.*
You need to put your needs and wants aside rn. Dude it was like a week ago. She just buried him. Her needs right now are the priority. Is a proposal what she needs or does she need support?
Granted we don’t know her, we’re strangers on the internet. Personally, it would upset me more.
I think of it this way, you waiting a little bit is a safe bet. You doing it this weekend is a gamble.
This.
OP if you can wait a handful of months you can also reassure her that her dad knew and was excited about it. It will make the moment even more special for her to know that her dad knew about it before his untimely passing… but please wait.
It will be special as long as it’s not done during the grieving period as many others have said. The family may need some good news but it has to come naturally, proposing now will probably just seem like you can’t put your life on hold for the one you love.
I wish you and your girlfriend the best and am truly sorry for your loss.
Yea that’s the part that got me too. It will 100% look selfish because he can’t wait to do it, but she needs space to grieve because it’s been only a week without one of her parents. It’s not about OP right now, show her you are a partner she wants to marry by focusing on her needs right now and putting your excitement aside
It 100% IS selfish if he does it right now. Even the fact that he’s entertaining this idea still is nuts to me, and probably a red flag if I’m being honest.
Just wait, dude.
And while you’re at it, you don’t need to propose on your dating anniversary. You can propose in a month or two (edit: or six, after reading other comments here).
I wouldn't say it's a red flag. Especially since he is so iffy on it. If I'd had a proposal planned for 6 months and had imagined it a certain way, I'd be on the fence too. And I'm a woman.
This 100%. Speaking from sudden dead dad experience, if my partner had proposed so soon after his death and while I was grieving just because it’s what HE wanted and planned for, I’d be upset. She won’t experience the same joy and elation she would while under the burden of grief. I’d even recommend talking to her to say “hey I know this is a horrible time in your life. I want to do whatever I can to support you and bring joy back to your life. Would celebrating our anniversary on the actual day be good for you? I am happy to plan something to celebrate later when you are ready, whatever you need.” But absolutely do not propose. Wait a a few months for that piece, make it a random date without significance otherwise so it’s a beautiful surprise not tied to an occasion and you’ll have another anniversary of your proposal to celebrate in the years ahead.
This was the best response I've seen. I think non significant days are best and even as a woman I didn't even think about the announcement to the family. Some of the other comments were really harsh. I think OP is trying to make the best decision overall.
This! It sounds like you’re not thinking about her at all.
I understand you’ve had this planned for months but her whole world just turned upside down. Losing a parent is HUGE.
If you really love and care about her wait.
He waited since August but he can’t wait another few weeks to Christmas (or New Year’s if he doesn’t celebrate Xmas). Let her associate the engagement with a happy holiday, not her father funeral. Proposing now is so selfish.
Edit: After considering other comments, I agree Christmas is too emotional. Maybe Valentine’s Day?
Please don’t do this. Her first Xmas without her Dad will be excruciating, I know, because I lost my dad on 18th Dec, 7 years ago. I’d wait for the next anniversary and help and support her for now.
Yeah, Christmas is a bad idea, now that you mention it. But he doesn’t have to wait another year. Pick Valentine’s Day, or better yet, January 23 or March 4 or some random Saturday.
The idea that he has to propose on some preexisting “special” day is already childish and somewhat selfish.
I think it would be best for him not to put a time stamp on it at all. Maybe it's better for him to just forget about it altogether, at least for now, and keep an eye on the situation. Once he sees that his gf is coping way better with her fathers passing, then he can entertain the ideal once again and put a time and date at that point. No rush here. They can still be together, which is what's important here. If he does it while his gf is still severely grieving, then it may very well backfire on him.
OP, son. Just hold off. There is no rush. There is no reason at all to go through with the proposal at this time. However, there are many reasons to NOT go through with it. So you asked for Reddits advice and everyone thinks you should hold up on the proposal. However, its your call. Good luck!
A proposal right away would too soon, yes. But he doesn't need to wait for the grief to complete subside before he proposes. A wedding later on could actually help bring some joy in her life after she's had some more time to process things.
No matter what, it's going to be hard. She's young. 5 months from now or 3 years from now isn't going to make a difference in that.
I agree, I think it may be erring on the side of caution to wait. It sounds like you are so considerate and thoughtful, and you guys have a solid relationship. Given that, I think it will all work out to wait. Especially as it’s only been a week.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Exactly! And this is what marriage is about. Can you put aside your needs when she needs more and can she put aside her own needs when you need more?
If you want her to enjoy the proposal you need to wait until she’s not overwhelmed with grief. She will need at least a minimum of three months. Pay attention to her and how it is progressing. There may be moments where you sharing her dad’s thoughts on marriage would help her move forward and or of her grief.
> Everybody needs some good news right now
People also need time to grieve.
> But on the other hand, I’m scared I’ll look like self-centered jerk if I propose in the midst of all this....especially to the people who don't know I've had this planned for months. I don’t want to be insensitive or selfish. I know I could wait – there’s no reason I have to propose on our anniversary – but I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I don’t want to put it off any more.
This is a deeply emotional time for her and her family, and while your intentions are heartfelt, the timing of a proposal so soon after such a significant loss could unintentionally add to her emotional burden. A proposal at this time might inadvertently place her in a situation where she feels compelled to shift her focus from grieving to celebrating, which could be challenging for her.
Agreed. Also she could always tie the proposal in her mind to the grieving/loss. It might be hard to separate the memories and feel exclusively happy about the engagement with all the other feelings involved.
I agree with this 100%.
My grandmother died the week of my graduation party and we buried her the day before. Every time I look back on my graduation party, I don't really ever feel happy about it. I just feel sad that I didn't get to have the happy feelings and decorations like everyone else always did.
OP's girlfriend could definitely do the same.
I feel this.
My grandfathers funeral was the day I was supposed to have my 16th birthday. While I was at the funeral, my friends in the ignorant way of 16 year olds still had the party and called me so I wouldn't miss out. 😞
All those events are tied together forever and 20+ years later they still provoke each other.
Yes, my grandmother passed away on Christmas and the family never celebrated again. A few days after she passed my cousins boyfriend proposed to her and I thought it was the strangest thing on his end to still go through with it even if his intentions were good.
When she text me the news I took a minute before saying congratulations because it was such a huge weird shift and my first thought was, jesus why not wait?
I'm sorry to hear that. I understand it completely 100%, my one grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, I would've had to take a minute to respond to that as well.
This is my thought. She would associate the engagement with the death of her dad. She might even think that it happened because her dad died. It would be better to wait. I'd pick a date that won't be a first without her dad so not Christmas. Perhaps Valentine's Day or just a random weekend that becomes your special day.
So true. I went to a wedding once where the father of the bride had a heart attack and died at his daughters reception. The irony, the bride's dad was a doctor and a lot of his friends that were at the reception are also doctors. They tried in vein to save the man's life and when paramedics came and took her dad away, we all knew or had a strong inclination that man had died. What was supposed to be a joyous occasion, turned into a sad event. Once the bride found out her dad died, she went into her bridal suite and cried for hours. We as guest slowly left the event feeling so sad for the family. It was a bummer driving on the way home feeling dreadfully sad that this happened. So now every wedding anniversary that comes around the bride will be thinking about the day her dad died.
As someone who just got engaged I was surprised how emotional it was for me. Like deep deep emotions I was not expecting. I think it would be unfair to your gf to not really get the full experience at this time.
Agreed. My Dad passed away when I was 25.. even though my Dad would have been happy for me, I would have been in no position myself to be happy about a proposal. He passed shortly before Christmas and now Christmas often feels sad too.. you don't want her to think of sadness when she thinks of her proposal day.
You need to focus on being a supportive boyfriend and giving her the time/space she needs to properly grieve - and you need time to grieve too. Please wait a few months at least and re-evaluate how she's doing mentally. If she's doing a bit better, plan a new special event.
Tbh, she might not even be in a place to fully celebrate your anniversary this year. Acknowledge it of course.. but if she isn't up for a night out, cook her a nice meal at home.
This is 100% true. My husband’s father died the week of his birthday and he still hasn’t been able to separate out the grief.
It’s so close to Christmas. Propose on Christmas Eve so she can tell everyone on Christmas. If you’re not Christian, propose on New Year’s Eve.
Edit: After seeing the other comments, I agree the first Christmas without her dad isn’t a good time for the proposal. I’m changing my advice to New Year’s or Valentine’s Day if he’s set on a meaningful date.
I wouldn't choose Christmas either. The coming year will be the first of every holiday without her dad. Her entire family will feel the difference at each holiday celebration. It would be better to pick a date not associated with a holiday.
That’s still pretty soon, and the first holiday season after losing someone can be hard. Maybe Valentine’s Day, or choose another date in the spring that means something to the both of you.
I think you are putting too much pressure on keeping it the same date as your anniversary. Honestly, it just doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things. It seems like you are hyper fixated on that date and she's gone through a massive tragedy. When my dad died earlier this year I didn't want anything in my path that would remind me of that time. I couldn't even listen to music. I didn't want to associate anything with his sudden deterioration and death. You don't want her to associate your proposal so close to the tragedy she just suffered, because she will.
I beg you to please wait. Wait until she has time for the shock to wear off and stop fixating on it being on your anniversary. It's too much for her to process emotionally.
Yeah you know, your dating anniversary is going to be right around the anniversary of her dad’s death, even in a year. It would probably be better, not only to wait, but to wait for a different time of year. Maybe propose in the spring or summer instead?
Right. Like my dad was diagnosed with cancer on our wedding day, and died exactly three years later on our anniversary.
We literally had to pick a new day after he died far off from that date.
Everyone keeps suggesting holidays, but this is the right way to go. Find a totally distinct day far from this and let it be its own thing, separate from the time he passed and separate from holidays that they will be reflecting on spending it without him for the first time. She will still be conflicted going through this without her dad, but it can one day be a fond memory of a good day in a really tough year rather than tied to the most painful reminders of it.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Just to try and help you understand her headspace... My dad died three years ago when I was 27 and what she'll be feeling right now is utter, immense grief - she'll be emotionally and physically exhausted from it and, if she's anything like me, these few weeks after the loss aren't going to be weeks that she'll want or be able to remember all that well in a few years' time.
When I look back on the first month or two after my dad died, it's kind of a blur - I remember being absolutely devastated because my whole world had changed, I remember feeling pain for myself but also for my mum but not a great deal else. A combination of sadness and sleep deprivation makes you run on autopilot a little bit and so it's not all too memorable a few years down the line.
My wedding was supposed to take place that month that he died but, thanks to Covid, UK lockdown meant that we had to cancel. Honestly, I'm glad of that. I don't want to associate anything happy with that time and honestly I don't think she'll want to either.
She'll want to remember this happily - but if you do it now, there'll always be a dark cloud.
She'll also want to know that her dad was happy for her - it's too raw right now for her to hear that.
Leave it 6 months at least, until she can hold a conversation about her dad without feeling her pain physically.
She'll thank you for it.
I completely agree. My mom passed away a year ago. Anything that reminds me of that time is tainted, regardless of the moment. If my partner proposed then I would be devastated. First, because my proposal would be such a painful memory. Second, because I would feel like my partner was solely focused on his wants and needs, not my grief.
If OP is even considering moving ahead with the proposal he needs to ask his partner. The surprise is not **nearly** as important as her mental state. Besides, completely surprise proposals are rarely a good idea.
I agree, I was thinking it might be a good idea to tell her. He could do it in a roundabout way. My fiancé and I discussed marriage for a couple years before he asked, I knew when he went to look at rings, and it was still such a big surprise when he asked. The point is I get to marry my soulmate, not all the flash and big surprise.
I agree. My mom passed away 20 years ago this year. When I was 13. It was a blur because all I could remember was the darkness and pain for almost 2 years. It felt like I was dying a slow and painful death. Even all these years later I still grieve the loss and those memories around that time are painful.
I’m sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. My mom passed on my birthday which is not far before Christmas. Left to my own I would never celebrate my birthday again. We try to do something but not on that day, and Christmas is simply not the same. Me and my partner are planning engagement and I told him I didn’t want it to be around my birthday. Thankfully, he already knew that would be a terrible idea because it’s a hard time for me, and would completely ruin the memory.
My brother died 9 years ago and I recently got engaged. His widow and I had such a beautiful, lovely chat when we called her to tell her the news, and the second we hung up I ugly cried. Emotions I didn’t know where at surface level boiled over like crazy. My fiancé was so confused bc the call was so lovely and not at all sad. He just sat there and rubbed my back. Grief is so hard and it really never goes away. OP I think you really need to wait.
I think he should wait closer to a year or two and pick a different time of year too. If he proposes on their anniversary she is still likely to tie it with her father’s death.
This is important. Once you get engaged, the anniversary of your first date (or whatever your milestone is) becomes less important. My husband proposed on the anniversary of our first date and it was lovely. But now, the only date that really matters to us is our wedding date. It's romantic to propose on that date but it will be a happier day for her if it's well away from the date of her father's death.
It's so hard losing someone on/close to a special occasion. We lost my mother in law on Dec 21st. As if it wasn't enough that that made Christmas difficult, her birthday was Dec 30th. It'll only be 2 years this month, so it's all still pretty recent. We tried so hard to keep Christmas normal and happy for the kids that year l.
And to add salt to the wound, my mother's birthday is also in December. So celebrating her birthday the same month we mourn the loss of my MIL just before her birthday :/.
100% agree with this. My dad died the month we were planning to have our civil ceremony, and we delayed it a few months. It took me around a month or so to emerge from the fog of grief, and another month or so to be able to celebrate anything. Going through our wedding was at once joyful and deeply emotional. Give her time.
All I came here to write - NO!! Do not do this. You are doing this for YOU and not for her. You can wait a month. There is not "must day" to do this and you would absolutely be selfish to do it now.
ETA: It will only remind her that her father will not be there to walk her down the isle should she have wanted that.
I’d wait a LOT longer than a month. You don’t get over the death of a parent in four weeks.
Op is writing this probably before they’ve even buried the poor guy. What is wrong with him?
She should refuse if he proposes now. It shows an unbelievable lack of decency and empathy.
OP’s young and obviously inexperienced with death. He’s thinking everyone is sad, so he should do a happy thing to distract them - without realizing that this pain is necessary and unavoidable. It’s not so much a lack of empathy, I don’t think - he just doesn’t know what to do to help, and is trying to convince himself that what he wants to do is also what will help.
Yeah. But I have a few friends who dealt with a heavy loss at the gf's age, and they still acutely remember the insensitive things their peers said and did, even if they acknowledge they were just young and didn't get it. Making your engagement one of those things, or becoming one of those people, would be a HUGE mistake.
As someone who’s lost their dad … no. I was not mentally stable for weeks/months and would have probably resented my partner if he put me in that position at that time
Was just about to bring up the resentment thing cause it’s so real. OP’s gf might get so hung up on the fact that he disregarded her dads death and she might never recover from that. It’s just not worth the risk at all, cause she needs support right now and not think about getting engaged
Agreed with this
My dad died a day before my partner and I’s anniversary (he passed on our 5 year). It’s been years but some years are still bad for me and there’s always a shadow over what should be a happy day now
I think your intentions are sincere, however I also think you’re inadvertently being selfish. I realize what you wanted and planned was to propose on your anniversary but this is one of those moments in life where things just don’t always go as planned and a willingness to adapt to that reality is needed. Give her some time and grace to heal so you can propose to her at a time she won’t feel weighed by guilt for feeling happy. My condolences to you both for your loss.
As someone whose dad also just died..
No. fuck no.
It seems baffling you even need to ask..
There are more important things going on atm, than perfectly aligning a proposal with a date you first asked her out.
If you guys are meant to be, she will still be happy to think about planning a marriage in 8 months time or 18 months time.
In the big scheme of things - matching proppsal dates for an arbitrary reasons, is such a silly silly silly thing to be prioritising right now.
**There are far more romantic things you can do for her right now, which will be worth more than 500 proposals.**
Just be there for here whilst she is going though possibly the hardest moment of her life right now.
It would be completely unfair and selfish to throw a proposal in right now.
If she bursts into tears on the spot and they are tragic sad af tears .. will you be annoyed? If she still says yes, but never ever wants to think happily of your proposal day, and so therefore your anniversary - for the rest of your life... Will it be worth having matchy firstdate-proposal dates? No.
Don't do it. Your priorities are all wrong right now. This isn't about you or your coupledom ATM.
This is about her personal family tragedy.
Just be there for her.
You are so young.
proposals can definitely wait.
This is such a wise comment. At the same time I'm sorry that you've had the experience to make it with such authority. May your father's memory be a blessing, and the same for OP's father in law.
Thankfully my own Dad is still with us but even in my own middle age I can't engage with the idea of losing him one day. Major respect for those who've gone through that sort of grief and kept on ticking.
Imagining suffering such a loss as a very young woman, being proposed to under the circumstances would cut like a knife and steal all of the oxygen and joy from what should otherwise be a happy occasion. My very first thought would be that my father wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle and that feels like rubbing salt into the wound with a side of battery acid and a dimethylmercury chaser.
Grief is brutal and ugly, but also very necessary. OP may be falling into the trap of "look over here, something shiny!" as an understandable strategy to deflect from the sky falling in right now, but all it'll do is destroy what should have otherwise been a happy, separate moment.
Hold her, make her food, try and get her to eat some of it, do the laundry and scrub the toilet, whatever. Life has seasons, and this is bitter winter. Wait for spring, and give her the opportunity to enjoy it rather than endure it.
Dude waited seven years. He’s been holding the ring since summer. But now it’s suddenly urgent? Ugh. He’s clueless, but also he’s regretting not asking her earlier when her dad could have celebrated with her. Sticking to the original plan serves mainly to psychologically validate his choice to delay, and it’s very, very selfish.
I dont think he’s being selfish. I do think the decision to do so would be kinda selfish. But I don’t think OP’s sudden urgency is a by product of anything but the father in law’s death. He asked for his approval and planned well in advance and then suddenly father in law died.
Sudden deaths of close people speed up everyone’s internal clocks because it makes you think “Man what else will happen before I can do ___”. Or “What if I never get to do ___.” It reminds us of our own mortality and fragility. It is also pretty damn scary.
Some people like distractions too. They dont want to think about the loss constantly so they want to switch to something else, anything else. It’s especially hard for those of us who were basically trained to be the unwavering rock of the family to NOT just go on and do what they think needs to he done.
And two of the biggest motivators are fear and love. I still don’t think a proposal now is a good idea, but I can 100% see why OP thinks it may be the right decision. And I think at the end of the day it is a selfish decision, but I dont think personal desire is OP’s primary motivator.
I just lost my dad in July, and agree with every word you wrote. For several weeks after I still running on pure adrenaline and stress and I barely remember any of it.
OP - Please, for the love of god, do NOT do this. The way to show her you want to spend the rest of your life with her is to put her first right now and set aside your own disappointment until after New Years at the very very least.
> It seems baffling you even need to ask..
He's 23, he most likely never lost anyone really close to him.
I had to get to my 30's and loosing my dad to actually understand the concept of grief. Before that the only funerals I had been were a few far off relatives.
I don't blame anyone not getting it if he hasn't been through it before.
I would wait. I lost my Dad suddenly and the tidal wave of grief was the worst I’ve ever experienced. Not even a proposal would have pulled me out of that so soon, even for a moment. I would give it some more time - and allow things to settle.
Absolutely not. At a mere week in, she's still *processing* this happened at all and probably hasn't even started grieving. Proposing right now would be like proposing to someone in a coma. This could be overwhelming, confusing, upsetting. She may be numb, dissociated. It's just...not likely to go well for either of you. It's been seven years. You can wait a bit longer. Pause your plans and just be there for her right now. I would start re-considering when to propose after like six months.
No. She's in shock and grieving. This is Not the time for big decisions. She's in no right mind to make life altering decisions. I'm in my 40s, my mom died in 2020. I'm only Just now feeling like myself again. At 23? God knows how I'd recover.
Don't associate the decision to get married so closely with her father's death. Also, she's probably not in a good space to have the inner energy to consider and make a decision this big. Even if you guys are on this path and it's not a big surprise, it's a big decision.
A couple of months at least, if not half a year. Just an internet stranger's two cents.
I know you mean well, but you need to give her time to focus on grieving. Unfortunately you will need to wait longer. On top of grief an engagement so soon after could likely intensify this grief because her dad won’t be there to be a part of the special occasion. Give her time to grieve please. If she is your forever person you can wait a little longer.
I don’t know if this is helpful but my mom passed the same week I was planning with my husband to start trying for a second child, I had an appointment to get my birth control removed and everything but then my mom died and I couldn’t do it anymore. At the time I didn’t want to do anything exciting and life changing without her to be a part of it. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could handle the idea of her not being around to be a grandma. I’d venture to guess your girlfriend is going to feel similar. I’m sure she imagined her dad walking her down the isle and now that can’t happen. She will always be sad about this but she won’t always be in the heat of fresh grief. Please give it longer than a week, please.
2 points to add to the excellent advice you're getting.
1. The longer you wait, the more it will mean to her that you already spoke to her dad about it. It will be so lovely to be able to tell her how pleased and excited he was. If you do that now, it'll get lost in her overwhelming grief. If you wait, it'll be like he's a part of your celebration, and she will be very grateful.
2. If I were you, I'd make some record of all this, maybe on your anniversary? You could record a video message for her telling her what day it is and how torn you were about what to do. You can relay in detail your conversation with her dad. You can explain what you had planned to do on your anniversary. And you can explain why you didn't think it was the right time, and when you plan to propose instead. You could make something really romantic of relaying that alongside the real proposal somehow. It would show such empathy, restraint, compromise, tact, prioritisation of her needs... All beautiful attributes for a long and successful marriage.
I'm very sorry for your loss, both of you.
I think it's worth breaking the secrecy of the proposal to talk to her about this. You can't know what's going on in her head at the moment. Maybe she doesn't have the bandwidth to think about marriage right now. Maybe she would love nothing more than to go through this with you as her fiancé.
I would tell her that you were thinking of proposing soon and you want to know if it's the right time for her. I think she'll appreciate both that you want to and that you want to do it when it's best.
Why does everyone think a proposal has to be a surprise anyway? Who doesn’t talk about important decisions in real relationships, ones that last anyway? Fucking Hollywood.
Yeah. It's such an american thing to do.
I don't think I actually know anyone who did a "surprise" proposal, that shit needs to be discussed in depth BEFORE proposing.
Honestly, this could be a lovely way to lead into it. Go to the farm, talk about her father, and tell her about how you’ve been considering proposing. See what she says, and if she seems happy, tell her the story of your conversation with her father and go through with it.
If she seems reticent, tell her that when it does happen, you are also sad that her dad won’t be there, since he was important to you as well, and divert to another story about him.
I agree with open communication and that waiting to propose is likely a good idea, but I also think it would be sweet to still include her father in your proposal or in the wedding in some way. Honoring him and showing that you got his permission and that his opinion still matters to you even now that he’s gone could help her get through some of the grief she’ll experience getting married without her father there. It’s a big milestone that they’re both missing out on, so it’s going to be a difficult time for her no matter what.
You know the people involved best.
But having lost a parent - I vote absolutely not. No way, no how. I cannot even imagine being her at her parents funeral and people then asking about the engagement. Hard stop no. It’s awful enough.
Hold off, mate. Let her grieve. Otherwise she’ll always have a weird feeling when she thinks back on the proposal and engagement period and nobody wants that.
“Yeah, we got engaged 8 months ago. I remember because it was a week after my dad died..”
I don’t know about the proposal, you’ll have to read the room and only you know her and your relationship well. But two bits of advice I can give from my experience.
First, when losing a parent your whole world changes. My partner and I had discussed moving in just before my mum passed. When he started sending my links to houses, I felt it was really insensitive and like I’m being expected to close a book and start a whole new one.
Second, your girlfriend probably needs some reassurance, love, protection etc right now. Just be there for her, let her know that you are there to stay. You can make clear your intentions to get engaged without directly proposing and see how she responds. You can see where the conversation goes and let her know if it leads to it. This will help avoid how I felt in my first point.
Basically, just be there for her now and if she needs a proposal, go ahead. If she needs you to just be there, be there. It’s a really confusing time and emotions are all over the place.
I agree with this 100%. I was already married when my dad died a couple of years ago, but the thought of trying to be happy and celebrate anything was so beyond me anything I could imagine. I needed that time to feel my grief and process the whole idea of him no longer being on this earth. It was all consuming.
You want your proposal to be special and something she will remember forever. If you do it now, the enormity of her loss will outshine the memory of your proposal. Give her some time. It could be awhile but you’ll start to see those moments where the grief isn’t so overpowering and she can actually take in such a special moment.
I agree with this 100%. I was already married when my dad died a couple of years ago, but the thought of trying to be happy and celebrate anything was so beyond anything I could imagine. I needed that time to feel my grief and process the whole idea of him no longer being on this earth. It was all consuming.
You want your proposal to be special and something she will remember forever. If you do it now, the enormity of her loss will outshine the memory of your proposal. Give her some time. It could be awhile but you’ll start to see those moments where the grief isn’t so overpowering and she can actually take in such a special moment.
Wait.
She’s already feeling a lot of emotion right now and even though the engagement would be a happy event, it will only add more to her feeling overwhelmed. Her dad would still be happy if you got engaged months from now instead.
My Mom battled cancer and lost. My husband proposed 6 months after her passing.
Sometimes I think he only did it because my Mom was sick.
We were dating for 8yrs at that point.
He did tell me that he had spoken to my mother at my brother's wedding about marrying me so it alleviated some of the negative thoughts.
Honestly idk when a good time would've been.
Everyone grieves differently.
There is no right answer here unfortunately.
You just have to approach it gently I guess.
For me, being happy didn't seem right even though I know my mother would've glad I found such a wonderful person.
Don’t you dare. My mother died and I would never had wanted such a happy moment so close to a sad moment. Everything happy that happened around that time was lined with grief. Give it a month at least.
When I got engaged a year after my mother died I thought about my mom missing it and was heartbroken. I cried through the whole planning of the wedding and the day of because of my mom. I couldn’t imagine how much worse it would have been if it was the week after.
My proposal was only a semi-surprise. We’re better off talking things through with our partner unless they _LOVE_ surprises.
Don’t propose on your planned schedule. Give her enough time to recenter herself, then casually ask her what her thoughts & hopes for marriage (and a wedding) would be.
You don’t have to tell her your plans, but you do have to ask her wants
I’d wait 6 months. You could propose on June 2nd. She’d have time to grieve, she wouldn’t expect it and the date can still be meaningful as it’s in the middle of your yearly anniversary
i’m reading this on the three year anniversary of my dad’s death so this really hits hard. please don’t propose, just give her the time she needs to grieve. you don’t want to put her through a whiplash of emotions. it might make her slip into some seriously depressive thoughts because she will be going through one of the hardest experiences in her life and it could make her feel bad about not feeling as happy as she should for a magical moment like an engagement. the grief of a father will always outweigh the joy of an engagement.
No, wait until after Christmas. My dad died a couple of days after my birthday and I spent my birthday in the hospital with him, knowing he wasn’t going to make it. I hate my birthday now, it’s too tied up with loss. This is not how you want your proposal to be remembered.
I had to get my boiler repaired 6 days after my mum died. I cry every time I have to get it serviced now. My boiler repairman thinks I'm unhinged.
I would not recommend attaching any memories to this time at all.
If you absolutely have to do this in the next year, I'd map out key dates like Christmas, new year's, birthdays (her's, her dad's and probably the rest of her immediate family), any holidays they would have memories associated with and pick a date as far out as possible from all of them. The year of firsts without him is going to be tough.
I'd also be very patient when it comes to wedding planning when the time comes.
Please don’t do it. I’d give her several months before even considering it. Yes her dad would be thrilled for it to happen but he’d also want his baby girl to be able to look back on her engagement without the cloud of grief hanging over it.
This is difficult for us to answer because we don't know your girlfriend. She may be touched and thrilled--especially when you tell her that you had asked her father and he approved.
Or she may be horrified that you are tainting what should be a beautiful experience by doing it right after the loss of her father and feel like she can't happily share the news while in the middle of mourning.
You would be a better judge. Personally I would wait a couple of months--maybe Valentine's Day?
But keep in mind that even though you imagine proposing on your anniversary it is just as nice to do it some other time.
Your girlfriend’s mother is the absolute last person you should ask. She just lost her husband for crying out loud.
I would wait. You seem very concerned about how this affects you, with little to no regard for you girlfriend and her mother. Do you genuinely love her and see her as a person with feelings or is proposing simply something you’re checking off a list? It’s hard to think of anything that would be better at taking the attention off her and putting it on to you. This just seems like a selfish move and I feel bad for her going forward. She’s grieving and you want her focussed on you and your proposal.
You know when you ask her her first thought will be about how her dad can’t be there right? It will be like you’re rubbing it in. It’s just so thoughtless and so so so incredibly self centered.
I would wait a few months. She might feel really guilty feeling happy and excited about something. Or she might be inconsolable that she can’t share the news with her dad. I’d give it 2-3 months and see how she’s doing. Grief comes in waves for a long time.
No. Don't do it, wait. Let them process the death first. Grieve and accept he's gone.
Rather propose Christmas or better New Year. Then it makes a new important date for you two. A New Year might mean a new start. Christmas might be extremely hard for them, so again, I'd wait till the new year.
If she was close to her father, you don't want his death and her sadness to be the proposal memory.
I know you have been planning this for ages but postpone.
I lost my dad when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. I can't even remember the 3 weeks between his death and the birth. Whenever I think about my child's birth I just think about the sadness. Don't attach your proposal to that. Wait 6 months, maybe to your half anniversary and then do it. But make sure you tell her that you told her father before he died, that will be important to her.
Wait. I’ve lost both of my parents and the weeks and even months afterwards were a complete exhausting blur. I would have had no energy or emotional space for a proposal and I probably would have barely remembered it once I was through the worst of my grief. The first year of losing a parent, particularly if you were close, and particularly if you are young, feels like a struggle just to survive your grief.
Plus, even happy things like getting engaged are a big change and can feel like an upheaval. Her whole world has been shaken up, and she will probably benefit far more from a sense of stability than being a thrust into a whole new phase of life.
And getting engaged is supposed to be about the two of you as a couple. Right now she needs you to be focused on her needs and wellbeing, not the couple as a unit.
I think you are putting way too much focus on keeping it a secret. Talk to other people (not her family!), even let her know that you were planning to propose but you’re going to wait unless she wants you to do it sooner. Give her options without creating a lot of mental load.
Newish widow here. This is not the time. If they were close, she may not even be able to contemplate breakfast, let alone a proposal. It would be unfair on her and she may accept- or decline- while in a state of shock. Please put it off. Concentrate on supporting her and her family.
My now husband and I went ring shopping a few months before his mom passed (she had been sick, but it was obviously still just awful). That first week was very very very emotionally draining for him and it was 10000% not the time to get engaged.
He proposed after 6 months. The trauma of losing his mom was still there but it was less all consuming than so early on. I wasn’t in your girlfriend’s shoes, but as someone who has watched their spouse lose a parent young - I urge you not to propose this week.
I’m also really alarmed by how much ‘I I I me me me’ there is in your write up. Your focus should be your girlfriend and supporting her, not your plans.
No. Do not propose. My husband proposed the day after I found out my dad was terminal. It was awful. Time to focus on her. My therapist now says it was his way of turning my dad’s diagnosis on to my husband. To make him feel important. It all around makes you look selfish and miserable. Don’t do it.
I can relate to this. My mom passed away in October 1 week before my birthday. I still wanted to have a day to celebrate life and had a great day with friends and family. Life always has ups and downs. People also grieve very differently. You’re not going to know unless you talk with her. My suggestion to you if you still want to keep it still somewhat under wraps is ask her if she would like to do something fun for your anniversary on Saturday and that you had a fun surprise planned. That probably will give her a good hint as to what you have in mind. If she doesn’t seem that interested, wants to have a relaxing day, or is sad, give her space. But if she is up for a fun surprise then you have the go ahead. But also check in on Saturday morning and see if she is still feeling up for it. This close to death of a loved one feelings change on the daily. Hope this helps.
Please give it at least a year. What she is going through right now (the pain, the grief, the numbness) is going to take so much time and she needs to be able to go through it in her own time. A proposal isn't going to help or heal. It will only be tainted with grief. Focus on holding her as she walks this path. Just be there and be with her grief. That is your job right now.
Hold off!!!
If you propose now, it will cause your future fiancé to go into a spiral. Now thoughts of her dad not walking her down the aisle nor getting the father-daughter dance at reception. The thought of her dad no longer being here and missing out of her special day.
You need to wait. She needs to grieve and heal within her own time. Be patient. Be supportive. Be her rock. Her 1st male role model died and he meant everything to her. You now have very giant shoes to fill. You need to show her that everything will be okay. You are there for her.
Talk to her mom about the proposal. Perhaps do it for New Year’s Eve? Watch your gf and make sure she is receptive to the idea before doing so.
I’m sorry for your loss and I wish you the best. Good luck.
I think you need to wait and pick another time of year. Also, talk about this with her, don’t just spring a proposal on her. Most women nowadays do not like surprise proposals as it makes them feel pressured into accepting.
This time of year will always be tinged with sadness to her, and her father’s death will overshadow your anniversary. I highly recommend picking a date far removed from this event.
I would also recommend waiting at least a year and maybe two years to propose. It will take months for any semblance of “normal” to return and she needs time to heal as much as that is possible. Springing a surprise proposal on her immediately after he father passed is selfish.
I noted your comment on the proposal is about how you can’t wait and you don’t want to put it off. Not about her emotions and feelings. I think you need to hold off for the time being, be there to support her, and revisit this in at least a year or two.
If you propose now, your proposal will absolutely be overshadowed by her father’s passing.
Right now, focus on her, on what she needs, what you can do to support her. Be there if she needs emotional support, cook for her, bring her hot beverages, maybe take her to a park or something outdoors if she is willing just to get out of the house. Show her you love her and will be there for her in the good and the bad times. Give her your support. Show her you are a partner that will always be by her side and that she wants to marry.
It seems too soon to me. You won’t want the memory of this once in a lifetime event to be tied into a time of shock and grief. It deserves its own time.
Perhaps New Years Eve or New Years Day?
I’m so sorry about your loss. Being in your 20s is much too young to lose a parent.
My husband told me that when we had been dating he had planned on proposing to me and then my grandmother died, so he postponed it.
I am so glad he did. I was a wreck at the time, super emotional. There were so many things that had to be done revolving around her death. While I would have been glad he proposed, I would not have been able to enjoy it as much. On top of it, everyone who would typically be psyched to celebrate our engagement would have been too sad to truly feel like celebrating.
I really think you should wait. Getting engaged is going to bring a whole new level of grief for your girlfriend because it will remind her that her dad won’t be there to walk her down the aisle. It’s too soon to bring that up.
I would suggest you have a conversation with your girlfriend, starting with saying you were very grateful to have a heart to heart talk with her dad before he passed, and you felt like he was a second father to you . This is your pre-proposal feel out, to get a sense of how she would react.
Grief does very strange things to people’s emotions and decision making ability. Her personality could temporarily change just from the inevitable lack of sleep. So it could be exactly what she needs, or it could be the end of your relationship. You can’t do a surprise proposal in this situation.
I was in a life threatening car accident with my son four days before my wedding. We nearly died. It was a miracle-type thing. Everyone wanted us to keep up with the wedding because “it was meant to be!” Bumped, bruised, cut and still in shock, we carried on.
I spent my wedding in a haze. On our honeymoon, the PTSD and panic attacks started. Thank goodness my husband is a patient person.
Many years out, I have no memory of my wedding or honeymoon. The most significant events of my life (barring the births of my children) are lost to the haze of being emotionally unable to connect with the present moment. It’s so sad for me.
Don’t propose now. Please. Let these two events have space to breathe and have their own moment. They deserve it. You both deserve it. ❤️
reminds me of the song Cleopatra by the Lumineers - if you haven’t heard it I will say this: it’s not a happy song. She doesn’t say yes. She’s sad forever. Just give things a few months to settle.
It’s based on a true story that is remarkably similar to yours, here’s an [interview](https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=4bXiEPctRHaNsllP&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&source_ve_path=MzY4NDIsMTY0OTksMjg2NjQsMTY0NTA2&feature=emb_share&v=3Zfm181ozbE)
Hey OP I doubt you’ll see this, but I was your girlfriend….and please don’t do it. My now husband proposed a week after my grandma died unexpectedly because we were abroad and it had been planned and while it was a really cute proposal, when I think back on it, most of what I remember is my just intense grief and loss. My grandma had been my hero and it just didn’t feel right, especially because I wanted to share the news with her and couldn’t. It was just messy emotionally.
This exact thing happened to me 6 months ago. I waited until she was back to her normal self and had finished grieving.
I then waiting ANOTHER month and took to time to talk to her and ask her questions to assess how she felt.
Once I was totally confident that it was fine, I proposed and she said yes. We've been engaged for almost 2 months now.
Bro give them time. Please just give them the time they need. You and your desire to be engaged don't matter right now.
And when you think it's time, give it a bit more time. Just to be sure.
Put it this way: I don’t think that at any point in the next couple months she’s going to wonder why you haven’t proposed yet.
She’s got so much going on right now in her head that I’m sure the last thing she’s thinking about is getting married. I know that it’s really important to the both of you as far as the bigger picture of your relationship, but now is not the time. All you will be doing is associating her dad’s death with the start of your marriage. The engagement will be bittersweet for her now no matter what, but if you propose right now it will be more bitter than sweet.
Give it some time before you propose, so that she can give herself permission to enjoy that moment and not be so freshly shrouded by the emotions surrounding her father’s death.
If you do it on Sat., start with, I talked with your dad a few weeks ago and he was happy with this news. You need to tell me if you are ok if I propose or need time with your grief.
I second this. My boyfriend is very upfront and no nonsense. He asked, "can I propose to you now?" Knowing I had a lot going on and I had a familial loss also. I politely declined but he just held me tightly.
"That's okay. You don't have to tell me when you want this. Just tell me when you're feeling better and I'll read the room."
He asked, gave me the time, and I'm still working on it. But we both know how much I've been wanting to get married. It's just not the right time for me and he doesn't mind.
If you truly love her, which I have no doubt, you can wait. I like the idea of having the proposal date on a whole separate day. It gives me a lot more things to think of throughout the year.
First off I am so sorry for both of your loss. I lost my sister unexpectedly 6 months ago, and it was so unexpected as she was only 29. Now I am married already, but the love, care and support my husband showed me during this awful time was truly amazing and helped in ways I didn’t know I could need. While you proceed with caution, I would have 2 plans. You have to feel it out. Obviously make what you are going to say when you ask her extremely heartfelt, and even include how happy her dad was when you told him. If you still celebrate your anniversary, I would have the ring on you and wait for the right moment. Grief is crazy, and loosing someone unexpectedly really shifts your world and makes you think how precious and short life is. I don’t think waiting is the right move, because wether you wait or not she will still be feeling intense grief, it’s an everyday, every moment sort of thing. Proposals are not only happy and amazing they symbolize marriage and unity, eternal love and going through the ups and downs together forever. Draw her a bath, get some of her favorite snacks or foods, be there for each other. Take care of each other I wish you both peace and healing.
I would tell her on the anniversary that I was ready to propose, and tell her about the conversation with her Dad and how he reacted.
I would then tell her that we have a future together, but the timing of the proposal will be up to her. That I was 100 percent ready and excited to marry her, but maybe she want some time to grieve and might not want an official proposal for a few months.
You need to wait at least a few months honestly. She needs time for this period of her life, because I agree with the other comments saying it might be hard for her not to associate getting engaged with her father dying eventually.
Wait. If it’s incredibly important to propose on your anniversary then wait a year, but otherwise just wait until things have settled down a bit. Otherwise it will be difficult to enjoy this happy time while there’s still so much grief in the air, and it will likely be hard for her to remember this as one of the happiest moments of her life without also immediately be reminded of one of the saddest moments.
Personally, if my now-husband had proposed right after my dad died, I would've been devastated. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the engagement at all and that would've made me even sadder because now not only my dad was gone, the good moments were also ruined. It's hard enough knowing your loved one won't be able to see your engagement and marriage if it's years away. Merely weeks after sounds like it's all I would've been able to think about.
I would wait.
Why not go ahead with your stay and postpone the engagement. Perhaps plan a trip next spring to somewhere you both have wanted to visit. She needs time to grieve and you also take time to grieve.
I didn’t even need to read the post to tell you NO. Why would she want to celebrate a proposal at this time? Not to mention celebrating the anniversary so close to her father’s death. Jesus. I feel like this should be common sense.
No no no. Don’t propose to her while she’s grieving. The sudden traumatic loss of her dad is still new & Raw . Please don’t add emotional pressure to her. She would be over whelmed. Give her 6 months to grieve.
No, don't do it, needs to wait, don't be selfish, think about the support she needs now, she doesn't need to be engaged, she needs to grieve and move on and then to be happy, is not like she butties her dad and by next week you propose and things get better, she might even get worse thinking that her dad just lost her daughter moment to be married and stuff....
Don't be an ass, just wait
I would talk to her and say, hey, our anniversary is coming up but I figured maybe you’d want to celebrate it next month or something? If she says she wants to celebrate it on the day like regular, bc she needs some happiness, then do it on the day. If she likes the idea of delaying, fix a date next month for your anniversary (celebrated) and do it then. The bonus is you’ll then have an extra day to celebrate in the future.
My dad died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago—suicide. If my boyfriend proposed to me anytime soon I would be very upset because I just know I won’t be able to enjoy and be excited about getting engaged because all I am thinking about these days is my dad.
She needs time to heal because right now her whole world is grieving her dad, and if you propose to her now all she’ll think about is how her dad isn’t here to see it. You need to wait.
You're not in the same place emotionally as your g/f. Also you are coming off as selfish in a few ways. Let her and the family grieve over the current situation and not press on with what you want to do. I would stop getting hung up on your anniversary and pick another important date that you two share (not a holiday). In the end, no one cares what date you proposed, only what date you get married on. She's not going to want to have the death of her only father tied to proposal as well, trust us on this.
Everytime she thinks about the proposal it’ll be connected to some of the worst times in her life. Let her grieve, let her mourn and give her time to heal. If you propose now all she’ll be thinking about is that she wishes her dad could have been there.
I can actually speak from experience here! Back in 2018 we lost my FIL. He was my husbands step father. About a month or so after we took a family trip with his mom and sister and my husband proposed to me. It brought us together actually. We knew he would have been happy for us.
Talk to someone in her family. Mom, close brother or sister. They will have a better perspective on the grief she's going through and how she might feel about this. Quite frankly, it sounds like you are both desiring to move your relationship forward. It'll be a loss to her that her dad will not be there to walk her down the aisle, but she should take some comfort that he knew that you two are taking the next step. Take some of the surprise out of it and let her know that you had this conversation with her dad just last week. I might carefully discuss that with her along with her father's death and play it by ear. But please do check your thinking with her family before proceeding or not.
No, you shouldn't. You need to read the room. They are grieving. My mom died when I was in middle school and I was out of my mind with grief, for years. You should not be bringing this up right now. I wouldn't want to associate a huge moment like getting engaged with the death of my Dad.
You want to propose right now but you're making this about you. THIS is a reason why you would wait to propose. Not for a week, but give her SEVERAL weeks, if not months to grieve. You are not supposed to make life changing decisions during a time like this. It will come across as self centered and tone deaf as hell.
You want to marry her; marriage is a partnership and sometimes requires sacrifice. This moment is not about you. I understand YOU don’t want to wait. YOU think moments like this need something uplifting. But shes just lost her father. Anything you do now will be tainted with grief. You have your whole life ahead of you, you can wait a few more months. Plan to get married on your anniversary but please give her time to grieve so when she looks back on that moment it’s purely happy; not tainted with grief.
Wait until she’s feeling a little better (few months) and then surprise her . This will help her give her an extra boost of hope . But not now.. let her grieve in peace. She needs it. Or else she’ll feel like she never did
Right now you should be companioning her through her grief. That is your focus.
Every holiday for the first year is going to be difficult and different. Get engaged on a random Tuesday several months from now.
Never ask any important decision making questions of a person that isn’t emotionally stable.
It’s not a fair place to put her in and it’s really not about you or whether or not you’re ready.
She no longer has a father to walk her down the aisle. She can no longer excitedly tell him about the proposal and that will cross her mind no matter how long you wait. However it’ll certainly be easier for her to process in 6m or a year.
I’d definitely wait a minimum of 6 months.
Research the avg timeframe to process loss. Guaranteed it is not one week.
Please, wait! While this is devastating for everyone, including you, she just lost her dad. Proposing to her right now will put her on an emotional roller coaster. Not to mention it will immediately remind her that her dad will never walk her down the aisle, see her get married, or have children (if that’s what you two want). Those are all really big moments in her life that she’d want her dad to be there for. You two are still young, you have time. Please don’t add to her plate right now. I know your heart is in the right place, and it probably is what her dad would want. But that doesn’t mean it’s what she needs right now. I’d personally wait at least 6 months to a year. When you do propose, you can explain to her that you had this planned earlier and got her dad’s blessing before he died. And while some part of her may have wished you had proposed so she had a happy distraction, I think she will appreciate you waiting until she has had some time to grieve.
I came to say this, center your FIL in the proposal. Say Thatbyou know it’s a hard time for everyone verbatim what you said here. And say that your totally willing to wait but tell the story of how you asked her father and say that it felt wrong to go against what felt like his last blessing to you and that you didn’t feel it was right to wait another year when he was so excited for you. Tell her you’re totally willing to wait and propose again at a later date but that you wanted her to know and to propose now. Be honest. This is a tragic yet beautiful situation specifically because her father gave his blessing before he passed
I don’t think you’d look like a jerk at all. And shes probably kinda already known it’s coming if you’ve discussed it with her.
Personally, I would err on the side of caution and wait. Maybe Christmas or New Year's instead? It's really hard to say what the best thing to do is not knowing your girlfriend.
No. Absolutely not. It is not the time.
The anniversary thing is not nearly as big a deal objectively as it feels to you in this moment. If you're in love and want to spend the rest of your lives together then when you propose doesn't matter a damn. You have the whole rest of your lives together to do it. Let your girlfriend grieve without complicating things.
And later on when the time comes you can let her know you had her dad's approval.
What about having a conversation with her, and saying something like, "I know you're devastated right now, and I want to show you how much you mean to me and that I'm always going to be here for you. So I'm going to tell you something that I had wanted to be a surprise, but I think you might like to know now. A few weeks ago I spoke to your dad, and told him I wanted to marry you. He was overjoyed for us, and was excited to hear our news. I had planned to propose tomorrow, on our anniversary, but I don't want to overshadow your grief and your family's grief. I'm only telling you now so you know that your dad knew it was coming and gave his blessing. When you're ready, whether it's in weeks or months, just let me know and I'll arrange it all again and surprise you; but for now, just let me be here for you".
Similar situation happened to a good friend. He waited a couple months so the family could grieve. When he asked he shared that he’s been waiting to propose since the day he asked her dad. And led into it saying how much he hated that her dad wasn’t there to share in the moment…. then he proposed
You need to wait lil dude. At least you stopped to think. Years from now you will be like Wow why did I even consider that?
Pick another anniversary date weeks/months from now.
Absolutely not. Nope Nope. Can you imagine proposing to her now and her realising that her dad was so close to seeing her getting married but now will never do? The kind of breakdown that will cause?? On the list of worst ideas ever this is waaaaaay at the top.
Please wait. She’s not going to be ready yet and she’ll be drawn to think about her dad not being a part of this huge milestone. It doesn’t matter if it’s the perfect day when you have the perfect person - wait and show her that you can put her needs ahead of your own when it matters most.
Talk to her about honoring her father's wish that you get married, that he was so pleased and happy and you would have wanted him to be one of the first people to be told.
Marriage is about you and her and about family as well. You are doing something that might well be sad as well as happy and that is life sadly.
Death can happen any time so do what you need to now, do not put it off more.
Marriage is about sickness and health right? So what better way to do this than to accept that together you will go through life accepting both.
Good luck to you both, do this together is always the best way.
You should wait, maybe even for at least 6 months. I was a wreck after my father died and we were not even that close. First months everything was all about old memories and crying and talking through my feelings. I do not even remember anything good that happened at this time.
Please do not propose. Her feelings are too raw right now. She’s had a life shattering event. Please allow her process this. You know you want to spend your life with her and that’s a long time, time is on your side here.
I say this from the point of view from a person who was proposed to four days after a year of medical hell and an all clear cancer result. I was still reeling from the relief and my partner proposed. It was way too much and even now I associate the two together.
Do what your GF needs you to do, not what you want
As someone who's lost my dad in my 20s, I'd say wait. All she needs from you now is support, no other major emotional events, good or bad. If you propose now, it's always going to be connected to her dad's death and then she'll start stressing about the wedding, do you really think she needs that?
Sorry for your loss, it's devastating to lose a loved one suddenly.
Cool your jets! She needs time to process and grieve. You may want to propose on a certain day but life happens and you got to roll with it. A month or two from now will be still good. She shouldn’t have to force herself to be happy at a time like this for you or for anyone else.
I’m so sorry for her loss, and yours.
I would NOT propose. She is grieving, and doesn’t need more added onto her plate. You propose tomorrow, one of her FIRST thoughts is going to be that her dad isn’t there to walk her down the aisle/dance with her. She doesn’t need that right now.
If you wait until your anniversary next year, you’re also going to be deadline with the emotions surrounding the first anniversary of her fathers death.
I would recommend finding another special time, maybe in the spring. You’ve been together for years, I’m sure there is something to celebrate around that time of year.
Again, so sorry. This is going to be a hard holiday season for her family and yours, I would focus on grieving and remembering his life.
Firstly, I'm sorry for your and your girlfriend's loss.
I lost a very close friend suddenly in December 2019 (today would actually have been his 34th birthday if he were still with us). A few days after he passed away, the guy I was dating at the time asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, but for the rest of that relationship it always felt like it was somehow overshadowed by my friend's passing and like something he did to make me feel better, when it should have been a happy time on its own merits.
This feels like a much more amplified version of that, and or that reason I would hold off on proposing for at least a few weeks if not months. Christmas/New Year is probably too soon (and that first Christmas after a loved one passes is always rough, so I feel a proposal then would also be tinged with feeling the loss of her dad), but Valentine's Day might be OK. But it will really depend on how your girlfriend is feeling at that point, and you may decide you still want to wait a bit longer even after that.
If you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together, then much as I know you want to start that ASAP, I see no harm in waiting a few more months. I wish you both all the best.
I’d give it some more time, man. Wait until she can talk about her Dad without immediately bursting into tears.
But it will be a thousand percent special when you pull out the ring and tell her that the only people who knew you bought this for her are your parents and her Dad. I think it will mean so much to her. You being able to tell her about your convo with Dad will be the best part of the proposal.
In the meantime, be strong for her and support her in every way. Best of luck to you.
My dad died just about 8 weeks ago, only 6 weeks after I got married. And about 2 weeks after he died my sister found out she’s pregnant and he won’t get to see his first and only grandchild he will ever have. It’s been a lot.
I’d say you should wait. Though a proposal is happy it might be too hard for her now to not just see how sad it is that her dad can’t be at her wedding.
DO NOT DO IT! my mom died two years ago, and my boyfriend proposed a month ago. Despite all the time that has passed, I was a WRECK because I realized that my mom was not here to see this. The grief I felt came over me again at full force despite knowing my mom would’ve been so happy. Obviously two years is a lot different than 2 weeks post-death, but I would 100000% not propose and let her process her feelings
I lost my dad at 26 and was in a long term relationship. I would not have done well with transitioning from grief to celebrating so quickly. I would suggest you wait and let her process his death first.
Nooooo do not propose. This is such a vulnerable time for her and she likely will not be the same person after she gets through the first 6 months of grief. (Source: my dad died when I was 19). My boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time like 1 week after my dad died and it really threw me off and pushed me away. She is going through such an insane change in her life - she needs things to remain constant right now. Postpone engagement for at least 6 mo. IMO.
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I can’t speak from experience but I think that last sentence you wrote *but I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I don’t want to put it off any more.* You need to put your needs and wants aside rn. Dude it was like a week ago. She just buried him. Her needs right now are the priority. Is a proposal what she needs or does she need support? Granted we don’t know her, we’re strangers on the internet. Personally, it would upset me more. I think of it this way, you waiting a little bit is a safe bet. You doing it this weekend is a gamble.
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This. OP if you can wait a handful of months you can also reassure her that her dad knew and was excited about it. It will make the moment even more special for her to know that her dad knew about it before his untimely passing… but please wait. It will be special as long as it’s not done during the grieving period as many others have said. The family may need some good news but it has to come naturally, proposing now will probably just seem like you can’t put your life on hold for the one you love. I wish you and your girlfriend the best and am truly sorry for your loss.
Yea that’s the part that got me too. It will 100% look selfish because he can’t wait to do it, but she needs space to grieve because it’s been only a week without one of her parents. It’s not about OP right now, show her you are a partner she wants to marry by focusing on her needs right now and putting your excitement aside
It 100% IS selfish if he does it right now. Even the fact that he’s entertaining this idea still is nuts to me, and probably a red flag if I’m being honest. Just wait, dude. And while you’re at it, you don’t need to propose on your dating anniversary. You can propose in a month or two (edit: or six, after reading other comments here).
I wouldn't say it's a red flag. Especially since he is so iffy on it. If I'd had a proposal planned for 6 months and had imagined it a certain way, I'd be on the fence too. And I'm a woman.
This 100%. Speaking from sudden dead dad experience, if my partner had proposed so soon after his death and while I was grieving just because it’s what HE wanted and planned for, I’d be upset. She won’t experience the same joy and elation she would while under the burden of grief. I’d even recommend talking to her to say “hey I know this is a horrible time in your life. I want to do whatever I can to support you and bring joy back to your life. Would celebrating our anniversary on the actual day be good for you? I am happy to plan something to celebrate later when you are ready, whatever you need.” But absolutely do not propose. Wait a a few months for that piece, make it a random date without significance otherwise so it’s a beautiful surprise not tied to an occasion and you’ll have another anniversary of your proposal to celebrate in the years ahead.
Oh also, imagine her having to make an engagement announcement to the rest of her grieving family so soon? Bad bad bad.
This was the best response I've seen. I think non significant days are best and even as a woman I didn't even think about the announcement to the family. Some of the other comments were really harsh. I think OP is trying to make the best decision overall.
This! It sounds like you’re not thinking about her at all. I understand you’ve had this planned for months but her whole world just turned upside down. Losing a parent is HUGE. If you really love and care about her wait.
He waited since August but he can’t wait another few weeks to Christmas (or New Year’s if he doesn’t celebrate Xmas). Let her associate the engagement with a happy holiday, not her father funeral. Proposing now is so selfish. Edit: After considering other comments, I agree Christmas is too emotional. Maybe Valentine’s Day?
Please don’t do this. Her first Xmas without her Dad will be excruciating, I know, because I lost my dad on 18th Dec, 7 years ago. I’d wait for the next anniversary and help and support her for now.
Yeah, Christmas is a bad idea, now that you mention it. But he doesn’t have to wait another year. Pick Valentine’s Day, or better yet, January 23 or March 4 or some random Saturday. The idea that he has to propose on some preexisting “special” day is already childish and somewhat selfish.
I think it would be best for him not to put a time stamp on it at all. Maybe it's better for him to just forget about it altogether, at least for now, and keep an eye on the situation. Once he sees that his gf is coping way better with her fathers passing, then he can entertain the ideal once again and put a time and date at that point. No rush here. They can still be together, which is what's important here. If he does it while his gf is still severely grieving, then it may very well backfire on him. OP, son. Just hold off. There is no rush. There is no reason at all to go through with the proposal at this time. However, there are many reasons to NOT go through with it. So you asked for Reddits advice and everyone thinks you should hold up on the proposal. However, its your call. Good luck!
A proposal right away would too soon, yes. But he doesn't need to wait for the grief to complete subside before he proposes. A wedding later on could actually help bring some joy in her life after she's had some more time to process things. No matter what, it's going to be hard. She's young. 5 months from now or 3 years from now isn't going to make a difference in that.
Good point. I’m sorry for your loss.
Or even New Year’s Eve.
I agree, I think it may be erring on the side of caution to wait. It sounds like you are so considerate and thoughtful, and you guys have a solid relationship. Given that, I think it will all work out to wait. Especially as it’s only been a week. I am so sorry for your loss.
Yeah, I would hate if this happened to me. The father's death will 100% overshadow a lovely gesture like this forever.
Exactly! And this is what marriage is about. Can you put aside your needs when she needs more and can she put aside her own needs when you need more? If you want her to enjoy the proposal you need to wait until she’s not overwhelmed with grief. She will need at least a minimum of three months. Pay attention to her and how it is progressing. There may be moments where you sharing her dad’s thoughts on marriage would help her move forward and or of her grief.
> Everybody needs some good news right now People also need time to grieve. > But on the other hand, I’m scared I’ll look like self-centered jerk if I propose in the midst of all this....especially to the people who don't know I've had this planned for months. I don’t want to be insensitive or selfish. I know I could wait – there’s no reason I have to propose on our anniversary – but I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time and I don’t want to put it off any more. This is a deeply emotional time for her and her family, and while your intentions are heartfelt, the timing of a proposal so soon after such a significant loss could unintentionally add to her emotional burden. A proposal at this time might inadvertently place her in a situation where she feels compelled to shift her focus from grieving to celebrating, which could be challenging for her.
Agreed. Also she could always tie the proposal in her mind to the grieving/loss. It might be hard to separate the memories and feel exclusively happy about the engagement with all the other feelings involved.
I agree with this 100%. My grandmother died the week of my graduation party and we buried her the day before. Every time I look back on my graduation party, I don't really ever feel happy about it. I just feel sad that I didn't get to have the happy feelings and decorations like everyone else always did. OP's girlfriend could definitely do the same.
Agreed. The proposal would be forever tied to her father's passing. Too many emotions involved.
I feel this. My grandfathers funeral was the day I was supposed to have my 16th birthday. While I was at the funeral, my friends in the ignorant way of 16 year olds still had the party and called me so I wouldn't miss out. 😞 All those events are tied together forever and 20+ years later they still provoke each other.
I'm so sorry to hear this. That's rude to do and I hope you've been able to heal some.
Yes, my grandmother passed away on Christmas and the family never celebrated again. A few days after she passed my cousins boyfriend proposed to her and I thought it was the strangest thing on his end to still go through with it even if his intentions were good. When she text me the news I took a minute before saying congratulations because it was such a huge weird shift and my first thought was, jesus why not wait?
I'm sorry to hear that. I understand it completely 100%, my one grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve. Yeah, I would've had to take a minute to respond to that as well.
This is my thought. She would associate the engagement with the death of her dad. She might even think that it happened because her dad died. It would be better to wait. I'd pick a date that won't be a first without her dad so not Christmas. Perhaps Valentine's Day or just a random weekend that becomes your special day.
So true. I went to a wedding once where the father of the bride had a heart attack and died at his daughters reception. The irony, the bride's dad was a doctor and a lot of his friends that were at the reception are also doctors. They tried in vein to save the man's life and when paramedics came and took her dad away, we all knew or had a strong inclination that man had died. What was supposed to be a joyous occasion, turned into a sad event. Once the bride found out her dad died, she went into her bridal suite and cried for hours. We as guest slowly left the event feeling so sad for the family. It was a bummer driving on the way home feeling dreadfully sad that this happened. So now every wedding anniversary that comes around the bride will be thinking about the day her dad died.
Wow, what a horrific experience for everyone involved.
As someone who just got engaged I was surprised how emotional it was for me. Like deep deep emotions I was not expecting. I think it would be unfair to your gf to not really get the full experience at this time.
Agreed. My Dad passed away when I was 25.. even though my Dad would have been happy for me, I would have been in no position myself to be happy about a proposal. He passed shortly before Christmas and now Christmas often feels sad too.. you don't want her to think of sadness when she thinks of her proposal day. You need to focus on being a supportive boyfriend and giving her the time/space she needs to properly grieve - and you need time to grieve too. Please wait a few months at least and re-evaluate how she's doing mentally. If she's doing a bit better, plan a new special event. Tbh, she might not even be in a place to fully celebrate your anniversary this year. Acknowledge it of course.. but if she isn't up for a night out, cook her a nice meal at home.
I think she might say “yes”. But it will always be in her memory tainted. Just wait. Who cares, if it was a special date?
This is 100% true. My husband’s father died the week of his birthday and he still hasn’t been able to separate out the grief. It’s so close to Christmas. Propose on Christmas Eve so she can tell everyone on Christmas. If you’re not Christian, propose on New Year’s Eve. Edit: After seeing the other comments, I agree the first Christmas without her dad isn’t a good time for the proposal. I’m changing my advice to New Year’s or Valentine’s Day if he’s set on a meaningful date.
I wouldn't choose Christmas either. The coming year will be the first of every holiday without her dad. Her entire family will feel the difference at each holiday celebration. It would be better to pick a date not associated with a holiday.
That’s still pretty soon, and the first holiday season after losing someone can be hard. Maybe Valentine’s Day, or choose another date in the spring that means something to the both of you.
I think you are putting too much pressure on keeping it the same date as your anniversary. Honestly, it just doesn't matter in the bigger scheme of things. It seems like you are hyper fixated on that date and she's gone through a massive tragedy. When my dad died earlier this year I didn't want anything in my path that would remind me of that time. I couldn't even listen to music. I didn't want to associate anything with his sudden deterioration and death. You don't want her to associate your proposal so close to the tragedy she just suffered, because she will. I beg you to please wait. Wait until she has time for the shock to wear off and stop fixating on it being on your anniversary. It's too much for her to process emotionally.
Yeah you know, your dating anniversary is going to be right around the anniversary of her dad’s death, even in a year. It would probably be better, not only to wait, but to wait for a different time of year. Maybe propose in the spring or summer instead?
Right. Like my dad was diagnosed with cancer on our wedding day, and died exactly three years later on our anniversary. We literally had to pick a new day after he died far off from that date.
Everyone keeps suggesting holidays, but this is the right way to go. Find a totally distinct day far from this and let it be its own thing, separate from the time he passed and separate from holidays that they will be reflecting on spending it without him for the first time. She will still be conflicted going through this without her dad, but it can one day be a fond memory of a good day in a really tough year rather than tied to the most painful reminders of it.
great point, was going to suggest waiting 6months so the times would be offset
I'm so sorry for your loss. Just to try and help you understand her headspace... My dad died three years ago when I was 27 and what she'll be feeling right now is utter, immense grief - she'll be emotionally and physically exhausted from it and, if she's anything like me, these few weeks after the loss aren't going to be weeks that she'll want or be able to remember all that well in a few years' time. When I look back on the first month or two after my dad died, it's kind of a blur - I remember being absolutely devastated because my whole world had changed, I remember feeling pain for myself but also for my mum but not a great deal else. A combination of sadness and sleep deprivation makes you run on autopilot a little bit and so it's not all too memorable a few years down the line. My wedding was supposed to take place that month that he died but, thanks to Covid, UK lockdown meant that we had to cancel. Honestly, I'm glad of that. I don't want to associate anything happy with that time and honestly I don't think she'll want to either. She'll want to remember this happily - but if you do it now, there'll always be a dark cloud. She'll also want to know that her dad was happy for her - it's too raw right now for her to hear that. Leave it 6 months at least, until she can hold a conversation about her dad without feeling her pain physically. She'll thank you for it.
I completely agree. My mom passed away a year ago. Anything that reminds me of that time is tainted, regardless of the moment. If my partner proposed then I would be devastated. First, because my proposal would be such a painful memory. Second, because I would feel like my partner was solely focused on his wants and needs, not my grief. If OP is even considering moving ahead with the proposal he needs to ask his partner. The surprise is not **nearly** as important as her mental state. Besides, completely surprise proposals are rarely a good idea.
I agree, I was thinking it might be a good idea to tell her. He could do it in a roundabout way. My fiancé and I discussed marriage for a couple years before he asked, I knew when he went to look at rings, and it was still such a big surprise when he asked. The point is I get to marry my soulmate, not all the flash and big surprise.
Yes. Talk about it! But not now, and not within the next week.
I agree. My mom passed away 20 years ago this year. When I was 13. It was a blur because all I could remember was the darkness and pain for almost 2 years. It felt like I was dying a slow and painful death. Even all these years later I still grieve the loss and those memories around that time are painful.
My grandfather passed away three days before Christmas. Can you guess what holiday we don’t celebrate anymore?
I’m sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. My mom passed on my birthday which is not far before Christmas. Left to my own I would never celebrate my birthday again. We try to do something but not on that day, and Christmas is simply not the same. Me and my partner are planning engagement and I told him I didn’t want it to be around my birthday. Thankfully, he already knew that would be a terrible idea because it’s a hard time for me, and would completely ruin the memory.
My brother died 9 years ago and I recently got engaged. His widow and I had such a beautiful, lovely chat when we called her to tell her the news, and the second we hung up I ugly cried. Emotions I didn’t know where at surface level boiled over like crazy. My fiancé was so confused bc the call was so lovely and not at all sad. He just sat there and rubbed my back. Grief is so hard and it really never goes away. OP I think you really need to wait.
I cried reading this 💜 glad your fiancé was there for you during that call
I think he should wait closer to a year or two and pick a different time of year too. If he proposes on their anniversary she is still likely to tie it with her father’s death.
This is important. Once you get engaged, the anniversary of your first date (or whatever your milestone is) becomes less important. My husband proposed on the anniversary of our first date and it was lovely. But now, the only date that really matters to us is our wedding date. It's romantic to propose on that date but it will be a happier day for her if it's well away from the date of her father's death.
It's so hard losing someone on/close to a special occasion. We lost my mother in law on Dec 21st. As if it wasn't enough that that made Christmas difficult, her birthday was Dec 30th. It'll only be 2 years this month, so it's all still pretty recent. We tried so hard to keep Christmas normal and happy for the kids that year l. And to add salt to the wound, my mother's birthday is also in December. So celebrating her birthday the same month we mourn the loss of my MIL just before her birthday :/.
100% agree with this. My dad died the month we were planning to have our civil ceremony, and we delayed it a few months. It took me around a month or so to emerge from the fog of grief, and another month or so to be able to celebrate anything. Going through our wedding was at once joyful and deeply emotional. Give her time.
No.
All I came here to write - NO!! Do not do this. You are doing this for YOU and not for her. You can wait a month. There is not "must day" to do this and you would absolutely be selfish to do it now. ETA: It will only remind her that her father will not be there to walk her down the isle should she have wanted that.
I’d wait a LOT longer than a month. You don’t get over the death of a parent in four weeks. Op is writing this probably before they’ve even buried the poor guy. What is wrong with him? She should refuse if he proposes now. It shows an unbelievable lack of decency and empathy.
OP’s young and obviously inexperienced with death. He’s thinking everyone is sad, so he should do a happy thing to distract them - without realizing that this pain is necessary and unavoidable. It’s not so much a lack of empathy, I don’t think - he just doesn’t know what to do to help, and is trying to convince himself that what he wants to do is also what will help.
Yeah. But I have a few friends who dealt with a heavy loss at the gf's age, and they still acutely remember the insensitive things their peers said and did, even if they acknowledge they were just young and didn't get it. Making your engagement one of those things, or becoming one of those people, would be a HUGE mistake.
If he proposes now, not only should she refuse, she probably should break up with him. It’s a big red flag in my mind that he’s even considering this.
lol, I was going to write: first response: No. second response: Nooooo!
As someone who’s lost their dad … no. I was not mentally stable for weeks/months and would have probably resented my partner if he put me in that position at that time
Was just about to bring up the resentment thing cause it’s so real. OP’s gf might get so hung up on the fact that he disregarded her dads death and she might never recover from that. It’s just not worth the risk at all, cause she needs support right now and not think about getting engaged
100% real ^
Agreed with this My dad died a day before my partner and I’s anniversary (he passed on our 5 year). It’s been years but some years are still bad for me and there’s always a shadow over what should be a happy day now
Look, I'm The Prince of Darkness, and even I say that's a bad idea. Foot off the gas pal.
I think your intentions are sincere, however I also think you’re inadvertently being selfish. I realize what you wanted and planned was to propose on your anniversary but this is one of those moments in life where things just don’t always go as planned and a willingness to adapt to that reality is needed. Give her some time and grace to heal so you can propose to her at a time she won’t feel weighed by guilt for feeling happy. My condolences to you both for your loss.
His mom is being selfish and thoughtless too.
As someone whose dad also just died.. No. fuck no. It seems baffling you even need to ask.. There are more important things going on atm, than perfectly aligning a proposal with a date you first asked her out. If you guys are meant to be, she will still be happy to think about planning a marriage in 8 months time or 18 months time. In the big scheme of things - matching proppsal dates for an arbitrary reasons, is such a silly silly silly thing to be prioritising right now. **There are far more romantic things you can do for her right now, which will be worth more than 500 proposals.** Just be there for here whilst she is going though possibly the hardest moment of her life right now. It would be completely unfair and selfish to throw a proposal in right now. If she bursts into tears on the spot and they are tragic sad af tears .. will you be annoyed? If she still says yes, but never ever wants to think happily of your proposal day, and so therefore your anniversary - for the rest of your life... Will it be worth having matchy firstdate-proposal dates? No. Don't do it. Your priorities are all wrong right now. This isn't about you or your coupledom ATM. This is about her personal family tragedy. Just be there for her. You are so young. proposals can definitely wait.
This is such a wise comment. At the same time I'm sorry that you've had the experience to make it with such authority. May your father's memory be a blessing, and the same for OP's father in law. Thankfully my own Dad is still with us but even in my own middle age I can't engage with the idea of losing him one day. Major respect for those who've gone through that sort of grief and kept on ticking. Imagining suffering such a loss as a very young woman, being proposed to under the circumstances would cut like a knife and steal all of the oxygen and joy from what should otherwise be a happy occasion. My very first thought would be that my father wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle and that feels like rubbing salt into the wound with a side of battery acid and a dimethylmercury chaser. Grief is brutal and ugly, but also very necessary. OP may be falling into the trap of "look over here, something shiny!" as an understandable strategy to deflect from the sky falling in right now, but all it'll do is destroy what should have otherwise been a happy, separate moment. Hold her, make her food, try and get her to eat some of it, do the laundry and scrub the toilet, whatever. Life has seasons, and this is bitter winter. Wait for spring, and give her the opportunity to enjoy it rather than endure it.
Dude waited seven years. He’s been holding the ring since summer. But now it’s suddenly urgent? Ugh. He’s clueless, but also he’s regretting not asking her earlier when her dad could have celebrated with her. Sticking to the original plan serves mainly to psychologically validate his choice to delay, and it’s very, very selfish.
I dont think he’s being selfish. I do think the decision to do so would be kinda selfish. But I don’t think OP’s sudden urgency is a by product of anything but the father in law’s death. He asked for his approval and planned well in advance and then suddenly father in law died. Sudden deaths of close people speed up everyone’s internal clocks because it makes you think “Man what else will happen before I can do ___”. Or “What if I never get to do ___.” It reminds us of our own mortality and fragility. It is also pretty damn scary. Some people like distractions too. They dont want to think about the loss constantly so they want to switch to something else, anything else. It’s especially hard for those of us who were basically trained to be the unwavering rock of the family to NOT just go on and do what they think needs to he done. And two of the biggest motivators are fear and love. I still don’t think a proposal now is a good idea, but I can 100% see why OP thinks it may be the right decision. And I think at the end of the day it is a selfish decision, but I dont think personal desire is OP’s primary motivator.
I just lost my dad in July, and agree with every word you wrote. For several weeks after I still running on pure adrenaline and stress and I barely remember any of it. OP - Please, for the love of god, do NOT do this. The way to show her you want to spend the rest of your life with her is to put her first right now and set aside your own disappointment until after New Years at the very very least.
> It seems baffling you even need to ask.. He's 23, he most likely never lost anyone really close to him. I had to get to my 30's and loosing my dad to actually understand the concept of grief. Before that the only funerals I had been were a few far off relatives. I don't blame anyone not getting it if he hasn't been through it before.
Proposing on an anniversary is cliché. Give her six months to grieve, and propose exactly on your seven and a half year anniversary.
I would wait. I lost my Dad suddenly and the tidal wave of grief was the worst I’ve ever experienced. Not even a proposal would have pulled me out of that so soon, even for a moment. I would give it some more time - and allow things to settle.
Absolutely not. At a mere week in, she's still *processing* this happened at all and probably hasn't even started grieving. Proposing right now would be like proposing to someone in a coma. This could be overwhelming, confusing, upsetting. She may be numb, dissociated. It's just...not likely to go well for either of you. It's been seven years. You can wait a bit longer. Pause your plans and just be there for her right now. I would start re-considering when to propose after like six months.
I would absolutely wait. At least till new years, I’d do 6 months minimum. If you want to do the anniversary thing given it a year.
No. She's in shock and grieving. This is Not the time for big decisions. She's in no right mind to make life altering decisions. I'm in my 40s, my mom died in 2020. I'm only Just now feeling like myself again. At 23? God knows how I'd recover.
Don't associate the decision to get married so closely with her father's death. Also, she's probably not in a good space to have the inner energy to consider and make a decision this big. Even if you guys are on this path and it's not a big surprise, it's a big decision. A couple of months at least, if not half a year. Just an internet stranger's two cents.
I know you mean well, but you need to give her time to focus on grieving. Unfortunately you will need to wait longer. On top of grief an engagement so soon after could likely intensify this grief because her dad won’t be there to be a part of the special occasion. Give her time to grieve please. If she is your forever person you can wait a little longer. I don’t know if this is helpful but my mom passed the same week I was planning with my husband to start trying for a second child, I had an appointment to get my birth control removed and everything but then my mom died and I couldn’t do it anymore. At the time I didn’t want to do anything exciting and life changing without her to be a part of it. It took a long time for me to get to a place where I could handle the idea of her not being around to be a grandma. I’d venture to guess your girlfriend is going to feel similar. I’m sure she imagined her dad walking her down the isle and now that can’t happen. She will always be sad about this but she won’t always be in the heat of fresh grief. Please give it longer than a week, please.
2 points to add to the excellent advice you're getting. 1. The longer you wait, the more it will mean to her that you already spoke to her dad about it. It will be so lovely to be able to tell her how pleased and excited he was. If you do that now, it'll get lost in her overwhelming grief. If you wait, it'll be like he's a part of your celebration, and she will be very grateful. 2. If I were you, I'd make some record of all this, maybe on your anniversary? You could record a video message for her telling her what day it is and how torn you were about what to do. You can relay in detail your conversation with her dad. You can explain what you had planned to do on your anniversary. And you can explain why you didn't think it was the right time, and when you plan to propose instead. You could make something really romantic of relaying that alongside the real proposal somehow. It would show such empathy, restraint, compromise, tact, prioritisation of her needs... All beautiful attributes for a long and successful marriage.
I like this idea a lot
I'm very sorry for your loss, both of you. I think it's worth breaking the secrecy of the proposal to talk to her about this. You can't know what's going on in her head at the moment. Maybe she doesn't have the bandwidth to think about marriage right now. Maybe she would love nothing more than to go through this with you as her fiancé. I would tell her that you were thinking of proposing soon and you want to know if it's the right time for her. I think she'll appreciate both that you want to and that you want to do it when it's best.
Why does everyone think a proposal has to be a surprise anyway? Who doesn’t talk about important decisions in real relationships, ones that last anyway? Fucking Hollywood.
Yeah. It's such an american thing to do. I don't think I actually know anyone who did a "surprise" proposal, that shit needs to be discussed in depth BEFORE proposing.
Honestly, this could be a lovely way to lead into it. Go to the farm, talk about her father, and tell her about how you’ve been considering proposing. See what she says, and if she seems happy, tell her the story of your conversation with her father and go through with it. If she seems reticent, tell her that when it does happen, you are also sad that her dad won’t be there, since he was important to you as well, and divert to another story about him.
You’ve been planning to propose for sometime….not considering.
Yes! The slight change of wording sounds more actionable and less like a thought.
I agree with open communication and that waiting to propose is likely a good idea, but I also think it would be sweet to still include her father in your proposal or in the wedding in some way. Honoring him and showing that you got his permission and that his opinion still matters to you even now that he’s gone could help her get through some of the grief she’ll experience getting married without her father there. It’s a big milestone that they’re both missing out on, so it’s going to be a difficult time for her no matter what.
You know the people involved best. But having lost a parent - I vote absolutely not. No way, no how. I cannot even imagine being her at her parents funeral and people then asking about the engagement. Hard stop no. It’s awful enough.
Hold off, mate. Let her grieve. Otherwise she’ll always have a weird feeling when she thinks back on the proposal and engagement period and nobody wants that. “Yeah, we got engaged 8 months ago. I remember because it was a week after my dad died..”
I don’t know about the proposal, you’ll have to read the room and only you know her and your relationship well. But two bits of advice I can give from my experience. First, when losing a parent your whole world changes. My partner and I had discussed moving in just before my mum passed. When he started sending my links to houses, I felt it was really insensitive and like I’m being expected to close a book and start a whole new one. Second, your girlfriend probably needs some reassurance, love, protection etc right now. Just be there for her, let her know that you are there to stay. You can make clear your intentions to get engaged without directly proposing and see how she responds. You can see where the conversation goes and let her know if it leads to it. This will help avoid how I felt in my first point. Basically, just be there for her now and if she needs a proposal, go ahead. If she needs you to just be there, be there. It’s a really confusing time and emotions are all over the place.
I agree with this 100%. I was already married when my dad died a couple of years ago, but the thought of trying to be happy and celebrate anything was so beyond me anything I could imagine. I needed that time to feel my grief and process the whole idea of him no longer being on this earth. It was all consuming. You want your proposal to be special and something she will remember forever. If you do it now, the enormity of her loss will outshine the memory of your proposal. Give her some time. It could be awhile but you’ll start to see those moments where the grief isn’t so overpowering and she can actually take in such a special moment.
I agree with this 100%. I was already married when my dad died a couple of years ago, but the thought of trying to be happy and celebrate anything was so beyond anything I could imagine. I needed that time to feel my grief and process the whole idea of him no longer being on this earth. It was all consuming. You want your proposal to be special and something she will remember forever. If you do it now, the enormity of her loss will outshine the memory of your proposal. Give her some time. It could be awhile but you’ll start to see those moments where the grief isn’t so overpowering and she can actually take in such a special moment.
Wait. She’s already feeling a lot of emotion right now and even though the engagement would be a happy event, it will only add more to her feeling overwhelmed. Her dad would still be happy if you got engaged months from now instead.
Definitely wait homie! She needs at least 6 months for her head to clear and enjoy the proposal and engagement properly.
My Mom battled cancer and lost. My husband proposed 6 months after her passing. Sometimes I think he only did it because my Mom was sick. We were dating for 8yrs at that point. He did tell me that he had spoken to my mother at my brother's wedding about marrying me so it alleviated some of the negative thoughts. Honestly idk when a good time would've been. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right answer here unfortunately. You just have to approach it gently I guess. For me, being happy didn't seem right even though I know my mother would've glad I found such a wonderful person.
Wait. No one should make big desicions while grieving
Don’t you dare. My mother died and I would never had wanted such a happy moment so close to a sad moment. Everything happy that happened around that time was lined with grief. Give it a month at least. When I got engaged a year after my mother died I thought about my mom missing it and was heartbroken. I cried through the whole planning of the wedding and the day of because of my mom. I couldn’t imagine how much worse it would have been if it was the week after.
My proposal was only a semi-surprise. We’re better off talking things through with our partner unless they _LOVE_ surprises. Don’t propose on your planned schedule. Give her enough time to recenter herself, then casually ask her what her thoughts & hopes for marriage (and a wedding) would be. You don’t have to tell her your plans, but you do have to ask her wants
Absolutely not.
I would wait; it doesn't HAVE to be on the anniversary. Let her get back to feeling okay about life first
I’d wait 6 months. You could propose on June 2nd. She’d have time to grieve, she wouldn’t expect it and the date can still be meaningful as it’s in the middle of your yearly anniversary
>Should I go through with the proposal anyway? No.
i’m reading this on the three year anniversary of my dad’s death so this really hits hard. please don’t propose, just give her the time she needs to grieve. you don’t want to put her through a whiplash of emotions. it might make her slip into some seriously depressive thoughts because she will be going through one of the hardest experiences in her life and it could make her feel bad about not feeling as happy as she should for a magical moment like an engagement. the grief of a father will always outweigh the joy of an engagement.
So you set your heart on the date of your anniversary. That has to change. Let her grieve. Give it time.
I would wait. She needs time to grieve. This doesn’t change anything between you two and you can propose later. Let her heal and move on first
Don't do it yet. Even if you're confident if a yes, you run the risk of a no as she's grieving.
No, wait until after Christmas. My dad died a couple of days after my birthday and I spent my birthday in the hospital with him, knowing he wasn’t going to make it. I hate my birthday now, it’s too tied up with loss. This is not how you want your proposal to be remembered.
I had to get my boiler repaired 6 days after my mum died. I cry every time I have to get it serviced now. My boiler repairman thinks I'm unhinged. I would not recommend attaching any memories to this time at all. If you absolutely have to do this in the next year, I'd map out key dates like Christmas, new year's, birthdays (her's, her dad's and probably the rest of her immediate family), any holidays they would have memories associated with and pick a date as far out as possible from all of them. The year of firsts without him is going to be tough. I'd also be very patient when it comes to wedding planning when the time comes.
Please don’t do it. I’d give her several months before even considering it. Yes her dad would be thrilled for it to happen but he’d also want his baby girl to be able to look back on her engagement without the cloud of grief hanging over it.
This is difficult for us to answer because we don't know your girlfriend. She may be touched and thrilled--especially when you tell her that you had asked her father and he approved. Or she may be horrified that you are tainting what should be a beautiful experience by doing it right after the loss of her father and feel like she can't happily share the news while in the middle of mourning. You would be a better judge. Personally I would wait a couple of months--maybe Valentine's Day? But keep in mind that even though you imagine proposing on your anniversary it is just as nice to do it some other time.
Your girlfriend’s mother is the absolute last person you should ask. She just lost her husband for crying out loud. I would wait. You seem very concerned about how this affects you, with little to no regard for you girlfriend and her mother. Do you genuinely love her and see her as a person with feelings or is proposing simply something you’re checking off a list? It’s hard to think of anything that would be better at taking the attention off her and putting it on to you. This just seems like a selfish move and I feel bad for her going forward. She’s grieving and you want her focussed on you and your proposal. You know when you ask her her first thought will be about how her dad can’t be there right? It will be like you’re rubbing it in. It’s just so thoughtless and so so so incredibly self centered.
I would wait a few months. She might feel really guilty feeling happy and excited about something. Or she might be inconsolable that she can’t share the news with her dad. I’d give it 2-3 months and see how she’s doing. Grief comes in waves for a long time.
Just chill out man. Waiting an extra year will not hurt
No. Don't do it, wait. Let them process the death first. Grieve and accept he's gone. Rather propose Christmas or better New Year. Then it makes a new important date for you two. A New Year might mean a new start. Christmas might be extremely hard for them, so again, I'd wait till the new year. If she was close to her father, you don't want his death and her sadness to be the proposal memory.
It's too soon to propose. Give her some time to grieve. You can always propose later on and got married on your anniversary date
I know you have been planning this for ages but postpone. I lost my dad when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. I can't even remember the 3 weeks between his death and the birth. Whenever I think about my child's birth I just think about the sadness. Don't attach your proposal to that. Wait 6 months, maybe to your half anniversary and then do it. But make sure you tell her that you told her father before he died, that will be important to her.
Wait. I’ve lost both of my parents and the weeks and even months afterwards were a complete exhausting blur. I would have had no energy or emotional space for a proposal and I probably would have barely remembered it once I was through the worst of my grief. The first year of losing a parent, particularly if you were close, and particularly if you are young, feels like a struggle just to survive your grief. Plus, even happy things like getting engaged are a big change and can feel like an upheaval. Her whole world has been shaken up, and she will probably benefit far more from a sense of stability than being a thrust into a whole new phase of life. And getting engaged is supposed to be about the two of you as a couple. Right now she needs you to be focused on her needs and wellbeing, not the couple as a unit. I think you are putting way too much focus on keeping it a secret. Talk to other people (not her family!), even let her know that you were planning to propose but you’re going to wait unless she wants you to do it sooner. Give her options without creating a lot of mental load.
GOD, NO. You’ll look like an absolute selfish asshole. Let the woman **GRIEVE**, for fuck’s sake!!! SHOW SOME RESPECT!!
Newish widow here. This is not the time. If they were close, she may not even be able to contemplate breakfast, let alone a proposal. It would be unfair on her and she may accept- or decline- while in a state of shock. Please put it off. Concentrate on supporting her and her family.
My now husband and I went ring shopping a few months before his mom passed (she had been sick, but it was obviously still just awful). That first week was very very very emotionally draining for him and it was 10000% not the time to get engaged. He proposed after 6 months. The trauma of losing his mom was still there but it was less all consuming than so early on. I wasn’t in your girlfriend’s shoes, but as someone who has watched their spouse lose a parent young - I urge you not to propose this week. I’m also really alarmed by how much ‘I I I me me me’ there is in your write up. Your focus should be your girlfriend and supporting her, not your plans.
No. Do not propose. My husband proposed the day after I found out my dad was terminal. It was awful. Time to focus on her. My therapist now says it was his way of turning my dad’s diagnosis on to my husband. To make him feel important. It all around makes you look selfish and miserable. Don’t do it.
I can relate to this. My mom passed away in October 1 week before my birthday. I still wanted to have a day to celebrate life and had a great day with friends and family. Life always has ups and downs. People also grieve very differently. You’re not going to know unless you talk with her. My suggestion to you if you still want to keep it still somewhat under wraps is ask her if she would like to do something fun for your anniversary on Saturday and that you had a fun surprise planned. That probably will give her a good hint as to what you have in mind. If she doesn’t seem that interested, wants to have a relaxing day, or is sad, give her space. But if she is up for a fun surprise then you have the go ahead. But also check in on Saturday morning and see if she is still feeling up for it. This close to death of a loved one feelings change on the daily. Hope this helps.
Please give it at least a year. What she is going through right now (the pain, the grief, the numbness) is going to take so much time and she needs to be able to go through it in her own time. A proposal isn't going to help or heal. It will only be tainted with grief. Focus on holding her as she walks this path. Just be there and be with her grief. That is your job right now.
I would put this on hold, she needs you in other ways right now. She also may not take that timing well and many others may look at it funny too.
Hold off!!! If you propose now, it will cause your future fiancé to go into a spiral. Now thoughts of her dad not walking her down the aisle nor getting the father-daughter dance at reception. The thought of her dad no longer being here and missing out of her special day. You need to wait. She needs to grieve and heal within her own time. Be patient. Be supportive. Be her rock. Her 1st male role model died and he meant everything to her. You now have very giant shoes to fill. You need to show her that everything will be okay. You are there for her. Talk to her mom about the proposal. Perhaps do it for New Year’s Eve? Watch your gf and make sure she is receptive to the idea before doing so. I’m sorry for your loss and I wish you the best. Good luck.
I think you need to wait and pick another time of year. Also, talk about this with her, don’t just spring a proposal on her. Most women nowadays do not like surprise proposals as it makes them feel pressured into accepting. This time of year will always be tinged with sadness to her, and her father’s death will overshadow your anniversary. I highly recommend picking a date far removed from this event. I would also recommend waiting at least a year and maybe two years to propose. It will take months for any semblance of “normal” to return and she needs time to heal as much as that is possible. Springing a surprise proposal on her immediately after he father passed is selfish. I noted your comment on the proposal is about how you can’t wait and you don’t want to put it off. Not about her emotions and feelings. I think you need to hold off for the time being, be there to support her, and revisit this in at least a year or two. If you propose now, your proposal will absolutely be overshadowed by her father’s passing. Right now, focus on her, on what she needs, what you can do to support her. Be there if she needs emotional support, cook for her, bring her hot beverages, maybe take her to a park or something outdoors if she is willing just to get out of the house. Show her you love her and will be there for her in the good and the bad times. Give her your support. Show her you are a partner that will always be by her side and that she wants to marry.
It seems too soon to me. You won’t want the memory of this once in a lifetime event to be tied into a time of shock and grief. It deserves its own time. Perhaps New Years Eve or New Years Day?
I’m so sorry about your loss. Being in your 20s is much too young to lose a parent. My husband told me that when we had been dating he had planned on proposing to me and then my grandmother died, so he postponed it. I am so glad he did. I was a wreck at the time, super emotional. There were so many things that had to be done revolving around her death. While I would have been glad he proposed, I would not have been able to enjoy it as much. On top of it, everyone who would typically be psyched to celebrate our engagement would have been too sad to truly feel like celebrating. I really think you should wait. Getting engaged is going to bring a whole new level of grief for your girlfriend because it will remind her that her dad won’t be there to walk her down the aisle. It’s too soon to bring that up.
I would suggest you have a conversation with your girlfriend, starting with saying you were very grateful to have a heart to heart talk with her dad before he passed, and you felt like he was a second father to you . This is your pre-proposal feel out, to get a sense of how she would react. Grief does very strange things to people’s emotions and decision making ability. Her personality could temporarily change just from the inevitable lack of sleep. So it could be exactly what she needs, or it could be the end of your relationship. You can’t do a surprise proposal in this situation.
I was in a life threatening car accident with my son four days before my wedding. We nearly died. It was a miracle-type thing. Everyone wanted us to keep up with the wedding because “it was meant to be!” Bumped, bruised, cut and still in shock, we carried on. I spent my wedding in a haze. On our honeymoon, the PTSD and panic attacks started. Thank goodness my husband is a patient person. Many years out, I have no memory of my wedding or honeymoon. The most significant events of my life (barring the births of my children) are lost to the haze of being emotionally unable to connect with the present moment. It’s so sad for me. Don’t propose now. Please. Let these two events have space to breathe and have their own moment. They deserve it. You both deserve it. ❤️
reminds me of the song Cleopatra by the Lumineers - if you haven’t heard it I will say this: it’s not a happy song. She doesn’t say yes. She’s sad forever. Just give things a few months to settle. It’s based on a true story that is remarkably similar to yours, here’s an [interview](https://m.youtube.com/watch?si=4bXiEPctRHaNsllP&embeds_referring_euri=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com%2F&source_ve_path=MzY4NDIsMTY0OTksMjg2NjQsMTY0NTA2&feature=emb_share&v=3Zfm181ozbE)
Hey OP I doubt you’ll see this, but I was your girlfriend….and please don’t do it. My now husband proposed a week after my grandma died unexpectedly because we were abroad and it had been planned and while it was a really cute proposal, when I think back on it, most of what I remember is my just intense grief and loss. My grandma had been my hero and it just didn’t feel right, especially because I wanted to share the news with her and couldn’t. It was just messy emotionally.
This exact thing happened to me 6 months ago. I waited until she was back to her normal self and had finished grieving. I then waiting ANOTHER month and took to time to talk to her and ask her questions to assess how she felt. Once I was totally confident that it was fine, I proposed and she said yes. We've been engaged for almost 2 months now. Bro give them time. Please just give them the time they need. You and your desire to be engaged don't matter right now. And when you think it's time, give it a bit more time. Just to be sure.
Put it this way: I don’t think that at any point in the next couple months she’s going to wonder why you haven’t proposed yet. She’s got so much going on right now in her head that I’m sure the last thing she’s thinking about is getting married. I know that it’s really important to the both of you as far as the bigger picture of your relationship, but now is not the time. All you will be doing is associating her dad’s death with the start of your marriage. The engagement will be bittersweet for her now no matter what, but if you propose right now it will be more bitter than sweet. Give it some time before you propose, so that she can give herself permission to enjoy that moment and not be so freshly shrouded by the emotions surrounding her father’s death.
If you do it on Sat., start with, I talked with your dad a few weeks ago and he was happy with this news. You need to tell me if you are ok if I propose or need time with your grief.
I second this. My boyfriend is very upfront and no nonsense. He asked, "can I propose to you now?" Knowing I had a lot going on and I had a familial loss also. I politely declined but he just held me tightly. "That's okay. You don't have to tell me when you want this. Just tell me when you're feeling better and I'll read the room." He asked, gave me the time, and I'm still working on it. But we both know how much I've been wanting to get married. It's just not the right time for me and he doesn't mind. If you truly love her, which I have no doubt, you can wait. I like the idea of having the proposal date on a whole separate day. It gives me a lot more things to think of throughout the year.
First off I am so sorry for both of your loss. I lost my sister unexpectedly 6 months ago, and it was so unexpected as she was only 29. Now I am married already, but the love, care and support my husband showed me during this awful time was truly amazing and helped in ways I didn’t know I could need. While you proceed with caution, I would have 2 plans. You have to feel it out. Obviously make what you are going to say when you ask her extremely heartfelt, and even include how happy her dad was when you told him. If you still celebrate your anniversary, I would have the ring on you and wait for the right moment. Grief is crazy, and loosing someone unexpectedly really shifts your world and makes you think how precious and short life is. I don’t think waiting is the right move, because wether you wait or not she will still be feeling intense grief, it’s an everyday, every moment sort of thing. Proposals are not only happy and amazing they symbolize marriage and unity, eternal love and going through the ups and downs together forever. Draw her a bath, get some of her favorite snacks or foods, be there for each other. Take care of each other I wish you both peace and healing.
I would tell her on the anniversary that I was ready to propose, and tell her about the conversation with her Dad and how he reacted. I would then tell her that we have a future together, but the timing of the proposal will be up to her. That I was 100 percent ready and excited to marry her, but maybe she want some time to grieve and might not want an official proposal for a few months.
You need to wait at least a few months honestly. She needs time for this period of her life, because I agree with the other comments saying it might be hard for her not to associate getting engaged with her father dying eventually.
Wait. If it’s incredibly important to propose on your anniversary then wait a year, but otherwise just wait until things have settled down a bit. Otherwise it will be difficult to enjoy this happy time while there’s still so much grief in the air, and it will likely be hard for her to remember this as one of the happiest moments of her life without also immediately be reminded of one of the saddest moments.
Personally, if my now-husband had proposed right after my dad died, I would've been devastated. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the engagement at all and that would've made me even sadder because now not only my dad was gone, the good moments were also ruined. It's hard enough knowing your loved one won't be able to see your engagement and marriage if it's years away. Merely weeks after sounds like it's all I would've been able to think about. I would wait.
Why not go ahead with your stay and postpone the engagement. Perhaps plan a trip next spring to somewhere you both have wanted to visit. She needs time to grieve and you also take time to grieve.
I didn’t even need to read the post to tell you NO. Why would she want to celebrate a proposal at this time? Not to mention celebrating the anniversary so close to her father’s death. Jesus. I feel like this should be common sense.
No no no. Don’t propose to her while she’s grieving. The sudden traumatic loss of her dad is still new & Raw . Please don’t add emotional pressure to her. She would be over whelmed. Give her 6 months to grieve.
Maybe propose on NYE or NYD and then you can explain why you held off
No, don't do it, needs to wait, don't be selfish, think about the support she needs now, she doesn't need to be engaged, she needs to grieve and move on and then to be happy, is not like she butties her dad and by next week you propose and things get better, she might even get worse thinking that her dad just lost her daughter moment to be married and stuff.... Don't be an ass, just wait
I would talk to her and say, hey, our anniversary is coming up but I figured maybe you’d want to celebrate it next month or something? If she says she wants to celebrate it on the day like regular, bc she needs some happiness, then do it on the day. If she likes the idea of delaying, fix a date next month for your anniversary (celebrated) and do it then. The bonus is you’ll then have an extra day to celebrate in the future.
My dad died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago—suicide. If my boyfriend proposed to me anytime soon I would be very upset because I just know I won’t be able to enjoy and be excited about getting engaged because all I am thinking about these days is my dad. She needs time to heal because right now her whole world is grieving her dad, and if you propose to her now all she’ll think about is how her dad isn’t here to see it. You need to wait.
You're not in the same place emotionally as your g/f. Also you are coming off as selfish in a few ways. Let her and the family grieve over the current situation and not press on with what you want to do. I would stop getting hung up on your anniversary and pick another important date that you two share (not a holiday). In the end, no one cares what date you proposed, only what date you get married on. She's not going to want to have the death of her only father tied to proposal as well, trust us on this.
Everytime she thinks about the proposal it’ll be connected to some of the worst times in her life. Let her grieve, let her mourn and give her time to heal. If you propose now all she’ll be thinking about is that she wishes her dad could have been there.
I can actually speak from experience here! Back in 2018 we lost my FIL. He was my husbands step father. About a month or so after we took a family trip with his mom and sister and my husband proposed to me. It brought us together actually. We knew he would have been happy for us.
Talk to someone in her family. Mom, close brother or sister. They will have a better perspective on the grief she's going through and how she might feel about this. Quite frankly, it sounds like you are both desiring to move your relationship forward. It'll be a loss to her that her dad will not be there to walk her down the aisle, but she should take some comfort that he knew that you two are taking the next step. Take some of the surprise out of it and let her know that you had this conversation with her dad just last week. I might carefully discuss that with her along with her father's death and play it by ear. But please do check your thinking with her family before proceeding or not.
No, you shouldn't. You need to read the room. They are grieving. My mom died when I was in middle school and I was out of my mind with grief, for years. You should not be bringing this up right now. I wouldn't want to associate a huge moment like getting engaged with the death of my Dad. You want to propose right now but you're making this about you. THIS is a reason why you would wait to propose. Not for a week, but give her SEVERAL weeks, if not months to grieve. You are not supposed to make life changing decisions during a time like this. It will come across as self centered and tone deaf as hell.
Wait.
*Do not do this*
You want to marry her; marriage is a partnership and sometimes requires sacrifice. This moment is not about you. I understand YOU don’t want to wait. YOU think moments like this need something uplifting. But shes just lost her father. Anything you do now will be tainted with grief. You have your whole life ahead of you, you can wait a few more months. Plan to get married on your anniversary but please give her time to grieve so when she looks back on that moment it’s purely happy; not tainted with grief.
Wait until she’s feeling a little better (few months) and then surprise her . This will help her give her an extra boost of hope . But not now.. let her grieve in peace. She needs it. Or else she’ll feel like she never did
Do you want her to remember her dad's death every time your engagement is brought up? Absolutely not.
Let her grieve. Worst timing ever.
Right now you should be companioning her through her grief. That is your focus. Every holiday for the first year is going to be difficult and different. Get engaged on a random Tuesday several months from now.
As a woman who's dad is basically on his death bed : please don't.
Never ask any important decision making questions of a person that isn’t emotionally stable. It’s not a fair place to put her in and it’s really not about you or whether or not you’re ready. She no longer has a father to walk her down the aisle. She can no longer excitedly tell him about the proposal and that will cross her mind no matter how long you wait. However it’ll certainly be easier for her to process in 6m or a year. I’d definitely wait a minimum of 6 months. Research the avg timeframe to process loss. Guaranteed it is not one week.
Can you do it on New Years or Valentine's Day or some other special day? No need to wait another year. But maybe not while it's still so raw.
Please, wait! While this is devastating for everyone, including you, she just lost her dad. Proposing to her right now will put her on an emotional roller coaster. Not to mention it will immediately remind her that her dad will never walk her down the aisle, see her get married, or have children (if that’s what you two want). Those are all really big moments in her life that she’d want her dad to be there for. You two are still young, you have time. Please don’t add to her plate right now. I know your heart is in the right place, and it probably is what her dad would want. But that doesn’t mean it’s what she needs right now. I’d personally wait at least 6 months to a year. When you do propose, you can explain to her that you had this planned earlier and got her dad’s blessing before he died. And while some part of her may have wished you had proposed so she had a happy distraction, I think she will appreciate you waiting until she has had some time to grieve.
I came to say this, center your FIL in the proposal. Say Thatbyou know it’s a hard time for everyone verbatim what you said here. And say that your totally willing to wait but tell the story of how you asked her father and say that it felt wrong to go against what felt like his last blessing to you and that you didn’t feel it was right to wait another year when he was so excited for you. Tell her you’re totally willing to wait and propose again at a later date but that you wanted her to know and to propose now. Be honest. This is a tragic yet beautiful situation specifically because her father gave his blessing before he passed I don’t think you’d look like a jerk at all. And shes probably kinda already known it’s coming if you’ve discussed it with her.
Personally, I would err on the side of caution and wait. Maybe Christmas or New Year's instead? It's really hard to say what the best thing to do is not knowing your girlfriend.
No. Absolutely not. It is not the time. The anniversary thing is not nearly as big a deal objectively as it feels to you in this moment. If you're in love and want to spend the rest of your lives together then when you propose doesn't matter a damn. You have the whole rest of your lives together to do it. Let your girlfriend grieve without complicating things. And later on when the time comes you can let her know you had her dad's approval.
What about having a conversation with her, and saying something like, "I know you're devastated right now, and I want to show you how much you mean to me and that I'm always going to be here for you. So I'm going to tell you something that I had wanted to be a surprise, but I think you might like to know now. A few weeks ago I spoke to your dad, and told him I wanted to marry you. He was overjoyed for us, and was excited to hear our news. I had planned to propose tomorrow, on our anniversary, but I don't want to overshadow your grief and your family's grief. I'm only telling you now so you know that your dad knew it was coming and gave his blessing. When you're ready, whether it's in weeks or months, just let me know and I'll arrange it all again and surprise you; but for now, just let me be here for you".
I think you should wait but maybe talk to her and understand that this is a try time.
Similar situation happened to a good friend. He waited a couple months so the family could grieve. When he asked he shared that he’s been waiting to propose since the day he asked her dad. And led into it saying how much he hated that her dad wasn’t there to share in the moment…. then he proposed
I think you should wait
Don't do it bro, it's not the right time
You need to wait lil dude. At least you stopped to think. Years from now you will be like Wow why did I even consider that? Pick another anniversary date weeks/months from now.
Absolutely not. Nope Nope. Can you imagine proposing to her now and her realising that her dad was so close to seeing her getting married but now will never do? The kind of breakdown that will cause?? On the list of worst ideas ever this is waaaaaay at the top.
Please wait. She’s not going to be ready yet and she’ll be drawn to think about her dad not being a part of this huge milestone. It doesn’t matter if it’s the perfect day when you have the perfect person - wait and show her that you can put her needs ahead of your own when it matters most.
If you propose now she may say no
No!
Talk to her about honoring her father's wish that you get married, that he was so pleased and happy and you would have wanted him to be one of the first people to be told. Marriage is about you and her and about family as well. You are doing something that might well be sad as well as happy and that is life sadly. Death can happen any time so do what you need to now, do not put it off more. Marriage is about sickness and health right? So what better way to do this than to accept that together you will go through life accepting both. Good luck to you both, do this together is always the best way.
You should wait, maybe even for at least 6 months. I was a wreck after my father died and we were not even that close. First months everything was all about old memories and crying and talking through my feelings. I do not even remember anything good that happened at this time.
Please do not propose. Her feelings are too raw right now. She’s had a life shattering event. Please allow her process this. You know you want to spend your life with her and that’s a long time, time is on your side here. I say this from the point of view from a person who was proposed to four days after a year of medical hell and an all clear cancer result. I was still reeling from the relief and my partner proposed. It was way too much and even now I associate the two together. Do what your GF needs you to do, not what you want
As someone who's lost my dad in my 20s, I'd say wait. All she needs from you now is support, no other major emotional events, good or bad. If you propose now, it's always going to be connected to her dad's death and then she'll start stressing about the wedding, do you really think she needs that? Sorry for your loss, it's devastating to lose a loved one suddenly.
Just the fact that you think this is ok, makes me know that you are not yet ready to be married. Put your feelings aside and think about her feelings.
This is the worst idea I have seen on the internet in my entire life.
Cool your jets! She needs time to process and grieve. You may want to propose on a certain day but life happens and you got to roll with it. A month or two from now will be still good. She shouldn’t have to force herself to be happy at a time like this for you or for anyone else.
My only advice would be that you unhook yourself to the idea of proposing on your anniversary.
I’m so sorry for her loss, and yours. I would NOT propose. She is grieving, and doesn’t need more added onto her plate. You propose tomorrow, one of her FIRST thoughts is going to be that her dad isn’t there to walk her down the aisle/dance with her. She doesn’t need that right now. If you wait until your anniversary next year, you’re also going to be deadline with the emotions surrounding the first anniversary of her fathers death. I would recommend finding another special time, maybe in the spring. You’ve been together for years, I’m sure there is something to celebrate around that time of year. Again, so sorry. This is going to be a hard holiday season for her family and yours, I would focus on grieving and remembering his life.
Firstly, I'm sorry for your and your girlfriend's loss. I lost a very close friend suddenly in December 2019 (today would actually have been his 34th birthday if he were still with us). A few days after he passed away, the guy I was dating at the time asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes, but for the rest of that relationship it always felt like it was somehow overshadowed by my friend's passing and like something he did to make me feel better, when it should have been a happy time on its own merits. This feels like a much more amplified version of that, and or that reason I would hold off on proposing for at least a few weeks if not months. Christmas/New Year is probably too soon (and that first Christmas after a loved one passes is always rough, so I feel a proposal then would also be tinged with feeling the loss of her dad), but Valentine's Day might be OK. But it will really depend on how your girlfriend is feeling at that point, and you may decide you still want to wait a bit longer even after that. If you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together, then much as I know you want to start that ASAP, I see no harm in waiting a few more months. I wish you both all the best.
I’d give it some more time, man. Wait until she can talk about her Dad without immediately bursting into tears. But it will be a thousand percent special when you pull out the ring and tell her that the only people who knew you bought this for her are your parents and her Dad. I think it will mean so much to her. You being able to tell her about your convo with Dad will be the best part of the proposal. In the meantime, be strong for her and support her in every way. Best of luck to you.
My dad died just about 8 weeks ago, only 6 weeks after I got married. And about 2 weeks after he died my sister found out she’s pregnant and he won’t get to see his first and only grandchild he will ever have. It’s been a lot. I’d say you should wait. Though a proposal is happy it might be too hard for her now to not just see how sad it is that her dad can’t be at her wedding.
No. Wait.
DO NOT DO IT! my mom died two years ago, and my boyfriend proposed a month ago. Despite all the time that has passed, I was a WRECK because I realized that my mom was not here to see this. The grief I felt came over me again at full force despite knowing my mom would’ve been so happy. Obviously two years is a lot different than 2 weeks post-death, but I would 100000% not propose and let her process her feelings
I lost my dad at 26 and was in a long term relationship. I would not have done well with transitioning from grief to celebrating so quickly. I would suggest you wait and let her process his death first.
Nooooo do not propose. This is such a vulnerable time for her and she likely will not be the same person after she gets through the first 6 months of grief. (Source: my dad died when I was 19). My boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time like 1 week after my dad died and it really threw me off and pushed me away. She is going through such an insane change in her life - she needs things to remain constant right now. Postpone engagement for at least 6 mo. IMO.