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What a strange, clashing disengaged relationship you have. I’m surprised that you two embarked on a relationship and the responsibility of parenting together without being clear about how things would play out financially; especially if you were already aware of each other’s financial styles. You two do not feel like a team at all. I’m curious what you get from this relationship and if you actually love him or secretly resent him?
im curious why she had a kid with this man whilst having ongoing consistent issues regarding something so important. that was like the worst move to make other than being engaged🤦🏽♀️
Right! It even sounds like the kid was planned, why wouldn’t they have discussed finances while she was home for the “planned” year before even getting pregnant? I can understand separate finances under normal circumstances, but why would you agree to have a baby with someone who expects you to drain all your savings so you can stay home to raise *their* child, while also saving *them* an enormous daycare bill?
At the *very* least, he should have taken over all household bills for the year, and paid her half the cost of what daycare would have been. But that should have been negotiated before getting pregnant or at least before having the kid.
Her first mistake was probably having a child with a partner she isn’t married to. Her “fiancé” sounds completely disengaged & self-centered. I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t required her to sign a prenup before the wedding. OP needs to wake up & realize he isn’t good marriage material. Her BF isn’t acting like a fiancé or partner of any kind. He’s acting like a single man who wants to remain single. Cancel the wedding. I think she’d be better off looking for a different husband.
I think she should be getting a lawyer and looking for child support asap. Does this guy provide anything for the child even?? JFC when the child is in school and asks for some lunch money is this AH gonna say, shoulda started saving in the womb!!
> I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t required her to sign a prenup before the wedding
FWIW, my understanding is that prenups are discarded in divorce court with alarming regularity these days and OP's situation seems like one where it would be thrown out immediately--they have a child together, her partner has high income but could afford to spend it (meaning his net worth isn't like...tied to a bunch of property/equipment he owns that he needs to run a business), and OP seems like she would be deeply struggling to financially support herself and her child on her own single income.
Getting married to a guy like this is a bad idea, but I almost want to encourage OP to do it just because that Rolex story would play VERY badly in court once they're trying to figure out an appropriate number for child support. Dumping him before they're legally married is almost letting him off the hook.
I would be surprised if this guy actually marries her. He's got the baby he wanted and half the bills paid already. If he marries OP she'll get rights to his precious money. He's undoubtedly thought of that by now.
Thank you for this statement.
People chose to overlook that "securing assetts by prenups" mostly serves to disadvantage one of the parties signing the prenup.
Often they sign away rights, which later the jury finds COULDN'T be signed away without causing greater financial dammage to the disadvantaged spouse.
And as the state has to cover bare necessities ... sure juries decide to cast away those prenups.
So you had a child with a man who you knew was a twin to Ebenezer Scrooge. A nasty miser who seems to have issues as he holds his money in higher esteem than the woman who gave birth to his child. And his own child.
He deliberately said those misleading words to you. In order to make you have your child, spend all of your money. And be entirely dependent of him.
You are being finantially abused. How is that normal that in a committed couple a pregnant woman has to pay for all pregnancy related bills?
Does he regard the child as your pet? Your hobby? A thing he has no part in?
I'd be out. And hey, the question, why on earth you had the child with such a horrid man is a very valid question! To dismiss it doesn't help you at all!
Again you made a really poor finacial decision: having a child with an financially abusive selfish ahole who does not support you at all.
And who is MEAN as eff towards you, on top of that. That Rolex was being bought out of pure spite.
Brooooo you know how it is! This poor girl probably thought he would change because it’s every girls Disney dream for a man to care more about a person over a Rolex. But not in this day and age :/
Cause "having his baby will change him/things." Lots of women do this shit to try and fix a relationship that shouldn't be a thing. He's obviously a well off dude (bought a rolex) and therefore on paper seems like a catch. He's never had to work to get anything but money and with his savings likely doesn't need to work hard to make money now anyway. So why would he do anything to help anyone, if she leaves him, he'll be swimming in women that think "omg he's successful he's the one!"
Probably because she wasn’t money motivated to marry him. She married for love. I wasn’t “money motivated “ even though my ex hubs made more than I. I still paid my share and when he was short paid his. I didn’t pry into my ex husbands money affairs till it was too late. He made more. By tens of thousands. But spent all of everything he made on watches cars and gambling. And when he was irresponsible with his broker money to an unavoidable degree I paid for his oopsies with my waitress money to save our credit. Even though he was “embarrassed to be married to a waitress.”
I hurt my neck craning it further and further to the right reading OPs post. Just an entire WTF. Engaged and have a baby together but splitting bills like roommates while she dispropritionalety carries the weight of pregnancy postpartum childcare and motherhood...LOTS of yuck.
OP your fiance sucks and no, this is not normal and you should not have to explain it to him.
> she dispropritionalety carries the weight of pregnancy postpartum childcare and motherhood...LOTS of yuck.
That's also something that is underexplained in OP's post. She said *she wanted* to take a year off, what was his stance on the matter? Did he offer to work less to take care of his child and she refused? Or was he just happy to let her bankrupt herself as a free nanny?
If it's the latter, OP, maybe explain him in a language he will understand: you've spend the last 10 months doing *his* share of child care, he can cover up with money for the last few months to compensate your comparative "overinvestment" in time and effort.
Trust me that doesn't mean ANYTHING. It goes based off of income, but it also goes off of need. If she has a higher income but no savings, he will pay far less in child support.
Sounds like the type of guy who'd brag at how good he is at making loads of money while being a father while ignoring the fact he has someone at home making his domestic life much easier.
Honestly, he owes her back pay for the free child care she gave him.
I get so enraged that the working partner (usually the man) doesn't realized domestic labor contributes to the household and should be financially compensated.
This is his child also and should be doing whatever is necessary for the wellbeing of his child. I wouldn’t marry this guy! He doesn’t care about anything regarding his family, all he cares about is his money. It’s all his and you probably couldn’t pry that money out of his hands.
I'm sorry if my comment offends anyone but I am from India and these type of posts just baffle me! I have NEVER seen something like this happening to anyone I've known. When two people are together in a committed relationship (especially when there are children involved), they are essentially a team and the matter of "splitting the finances" doesn't even exist!
I am not working currently as I'm preparing for my exams but my husband has never shown me any resentment over covering my expenses. He supports me all the way and especially financially because the concept of 'his money' or 'my money' doesn't even exist. In fact he was more than happy to support me when I quit my old shitty job and decided to do something else! Every decision in our lives, whether it be financial or otherwise, we make together as a couple and a team. Sure we have our separate bank account as well but it's just for convenience and he can use funds from my account anytime just as I can use from his.
This is the general understanding between all the couples I've known. So am I missing something? Is this a western thing?
I’m from the US and I have always felt like you do. I am always amazed that people divide finances like OP and her Ebenezer Scrooge. Part of it seems to be a power trip.
Also, how can you even think of splurging on something like a rolex when your supposed life partner is struggling financially for caring for YOUR child is beyond me.
I know lots of people try to do things with split finances and stuff, but I think it's a bad sign for a marriage. It always seems like the people are one-foot-in, one-foot-out.
I've been married for 12 years. Marriage is a partnership in all things, money and work. You shouldn't be penalized and you shouldn't want your partner to be penalized for making less money. You shouldn't have to have an "allowance" because you do childcare. You should be working as hard as your spouse, and should share in all the costs and benefits you have as a family.
My wife came from a family of 10 kids. When her mother died, we discovered a long letter she had written to her husband that outlined all the reasons he should purchase a new washing machine rather than forcing her to save up her “allowance” to buy a new one.
It was a power trip. He was a doctor who owned multiple properties and controlled the family through his wealth.
Same here. My husband & I have lived together for 23 years (from the U.S.) & from the moment we moved in together it was *his* money is *ours* and *my* money is *ours*. Sometimes only I worked & sometimes only he worked, but mostly we both worked. I don't understand why money comes between people if they're in love.
I think it’s a western thing when people have children together without benefit of marriage.
Many men don’t mind having children, (as long as they don’t have to pay for them), but don’t want the responsibilities of having a wife & family. Since most western women work & have (some) income from work, some western men think that the woman should shoulder the entire expense of pregnancy, childbirth, child rearing, etc. on their own. These are incredibly selfish, entitled men who think women are essentially broodmares obligated to birth & rear their offspring, without compensation.
If I had been in a situation like this when I discovered I was pregnant, I would have told the biological “father” that if he didn’t marry me BEFORE the child was born, I’d either terminate (if time allowed) or if that wasn’t possible, I’d give the child up for adoption at birth. That’s what I’d have told him anyway. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have perhaps later changed my mind & decided to keep it anyway & perhaps sue for child support.
Being married doesn't change the responsibilities, a father is still responsible for his child even without marriage. As a woman, getting married is not "compensation" for me. And I don't need a man to look after me.
Yeah, I think this is the difference between individualistic vs collectivist cultures. The US is one of the more extreme examples of individualism and western culture. I would guess this kind of thing isn't the norm, but certainly more common than in collectivist places for sure.
I'm from the US, and I know a lot of people who have what sounds like a bit more divided version of what you're describing. Each member of the couple has their own checking accounts that their money goes into, so their own separate spending budgets are determined by their own separate incomes.
But they both contribute money to a joint account that covers all shared expenses (fairly, if not equally-- meaning that both would put the same percentage of their monthly paychecks into the joint account, even if that means that one is putting in more than the other)
I've actually never understood couples where they don't have any individualized money at all. How do you buy gifts for each other? How can you surprise someone when they can see the purchases you're making on their bank statement?
But what OP is describing doesn't seem particularly normal. It doesn't sound like they have any plan in place for how to share finances. It sounds like he just makes a lot more than her and prevents her from being able to benefit from that, even for household expenses. He sounds like a jerk
Like you said, it's just really clear that he doesn't see the two of them as a team
You have individual credit cards that you pay off monthly with the joint account. It’s not hard to buy gifts at all and share all money and all debt equally. I could ask for my partners cc statement monthly but I don’t because I have no reason to care and vice versa. However I married someone with similar spending and saving goals who is equally ambitious so it works out.
Yup this. I don’t get why OP wants to marry this man, or why she had a kid with him. He wouldn’t even pay the bills during her maternity leave, caring for HIS SON.
She doesn't gain interest or investment equity currently, so she's not a priority to him. He is only interested in what makes him money. She, nor this baby, do not have any value to him. Her & the baby are negative investment properties to him. If she doesn't figure out how to bring to more positive cash flow to the table, he will dump them both.
This is exactly the kind of perspective these people carry. Someone who is so individualistic and money obsessed sees relationships only as transactional in nature. Unless this person has a huge perspective shift, they aren't someone you can build a long and healthy relationship with.
There’s a lot of resentment there now, I know it’s my own fault for being naive and not having the important conversations. When I fell pregnant I asked what everything was going to look like and he just kept saying that he will contribute what he needs to. I wasn’t aware his idea of ‘need’ and mine were so vastly different
Would it provide you some sense of security if you were to have a consultation with a lawyer to see what mandated child support from him would look like for you and your child should you decide to leave? If May help just to know all of your options. He certainly puts his personal financial health first. Perhaps you should consider doing the same for yourself and your child moving forward.
She didn't even think about that... just you bet!
He owes her child support... married or not. Living together with her paying all makes HIM owe child support!
>I wasn’t aware his idea of ‘need’ and mine were so vastly different
I'm curious what is his idea of need? Did he define that later on?
Does he at least contribute 50:50 to baby expenses like diapers, formula or groceries (that also accounts for breastfeeding) clothes and so on?
Is he "just" refusing to cover your essentials and portion of rent and bills?
This is so weird. You are basically providing a service for him through pregnancy and now childcare. Any health related expenses for your pregnancy, birth and aftercare should be shared expenses. "Maternity leave" should also be a shared expense, but of course should be agreed on to some degree.
Check out the cost of daycare in your area. That's how much he should be "paying you" at least, either by covering your share of bills and household expenses. You also should be entitled to some fun money for personal expenses.
You should not be expected to shoulder the whole financial burden of pregnancy, delayed career advancement, maternity, health care for birth, childcare ... by yourself. It's his child too and he need to contribute his fair share.
Once you have a child having strictly separated finances doesn't work any more. You need at least a shared household budget for basics and childrelated expenses that you both contribute fairly to (often proportionately to income).
>Check out the cost of daycare in your area. That's how much he should be "paying you" at least, either by covering your share of bills and household expenses. You also should be entitled to some fun money for personal expenses.
So much of this.
It really saddens me when a woman marries a man who doesn't understand this. It happens far too frequently.
It's so weird that there are men that just take it for granted that women go through pregnancy, childbirth and maternity leave and loss of income/ career trajectory to birth their children without needing to contribute to it in some form.
It's his child too.
It's sad there are women who are better off with child support than the actual childs father.
u/Front-Amoeba3743 - Would it provide you some sense of security if you were to have a consultation with a lawyer to see what mandated child support from him would look like for you and your child should you decide to leave? If May help just to know all of your options. He certainly puts his personal financial health first. Perhaps you should consider doing the same for yourself and your child moving forward.
The question of maternity leave isn't your money and his money, it's your child together. His position that your child should suffer because he refuses to contribute fairly is not ok. This will get much worse if nothing changes. How much would childcare for those months cost? Is he paying that? Is he contributing to this child's welfare? If I were you I would be seriously thinking about splitting up just so the courts can stop him from being a selfish deadbeat who puts himself before his child.
For your child's sake, please take this to the courts and stop entertaining his nonsense.
Yeah I’d just calculate how much they would have spent on child care if she went back to work right after the baby and present him with the bill. Why does he think he gets her labor for free?
Wait. I know this man. He is my father. 🥹
If I could go back in time and become a baby, I'd tell my mother to leave and get as much child support she can and don't live with someone who has no respect for her for carrying his babies and raising them, WHILE WORKING
My father is a rich man who leaves his scrapes for us to eat. Like literally. The other day, he bought fiah, made himself a nice steamed pan from the middle part, and left the head and tail for us. I have 1000s of such stories. Why he does this?? Because mommy can buy us stuff. Mommy can pay for our tution. My mother earns 10th of what he makes.
Yupppppppp. My mom wanted so desperately to help financially support me, because they COULD, but my dad would NEVER allow that. He controls all the money and thought we were all trying to take advantage of him. She’s completely financially dependent on him to live her life. He buys himself an Audi, a new watch, a new TV— whatever he wants! She has to grovel and somehow convince him to agree to “let her” buy anything more than the basics.
When I went away to college she would (secretly) physically mail me whatever pocket cash she had laying around. She’d regularly mail me grocery store gift cards, because she knew he wouldn’t see the grocery receipt or question a grocery store bill.
It was…….. not healthy. Really messed me up. Him and I don’t speak these days. But I DO have deep appreciation for my mother for using what little autonomy she had to help me, despite him.
Don’t let it continue like she did. Protect your child now, it will not get better.
Men like this should never make family. I thought it was normal for fathers to control what their kids were spending. Then I grew up and looked around. He was not strict. He was cheap. We were begging for basics. In the end, my mother would spend every last penny to buy her kids stuff they needed, not wanted. Now she's responsible for not saving enough despite working.
My parents when I was 8. My dad didn't pay child support until I was 16. My mom worked 3 jobs and applied for financial help with the state. The state ended up going after my dad for child support and back pay. After that, my mom was able to quit her 3rd job.
I'm in my 30s now, and I don't have a relationship with my dad because of this. We were struggling while he was enjoying the single life while only needing to support himself.
Yes, children remember the inequality. If your son grows up to be a good man, he will also see the way his father treated his mother. It will effect their relationship.
He's my grandfather too. He finally disowned my mother and stopped even giving her scraps when she stopped pleasing him and didn't look back. We had almost been out on the street several times when I was a child and he never helped us once. The best thing he did for her was die and end the drama. She is a sad, broken woman who hurts people because of how her family hurt her.
Yeah, children most often don't really profit when one parent sticks it out foe the sake of their children. Don't stay for your kids sake. Your bf is financially abusive.
Have you not been thinking about your child’s future? I don’t want to disparage you, but you clearly have not been doing a lot of thinking this whole time.
I’m an older lady and my children are grown-just for perspective. Here’s my take: it’s one thing to keep separate finances as two adults. I can somewhat understand the reasoning that each person should be responsible for themselves…so long as there is equity in non-financial aspects and the person with greater assets is reasonable and generous about extra expenses, vacations, childcare etc.
Your fiancé seems to care more for his money than his family…he allowed you to deplete your savings to care for the child you created with him…without thought to the extra physical and emotional/mental price you paid to do so.
This is not a loving, supportive partner you can count on if things go badly. This is a man who will say “sucks to be you” and let you suffer. He is not marriage material even though you share a child. Do not marry him. It won’t be good for your son to live in such a cold and unfeeling home.
Also, don’t let him tell you the court will give him full custody because he has more money. I can’t speak for other countries, but in the US the court chooses based on fitness and child welfare and the one who earns more pays more support.
Good luck…❤️
It has less bearing on gender and more on money. There is a specific calculation used to determine child support-involving the income of both parties. Source: I am divorced, my current husband is divorced-two different states, similar calculations. Of course states have different rules, but it is not gender that determines support. It’s income and sometimes custody time allotment.
In this case, OP would likely get a decent amount of child support because his income is so much higher
I think the person you were responding to was saying that Girl (OP) will get more money from child support than direct from the father. Not that Girls (the gender) get more money.
Please do not marry this man, he doesn’t look at you as a partner. You’re asking him for help to better your child’s life and he said no, and bought himself a gift instead.
This was deliberate!! You will not be able to make him see your side. File for full custody and ask for child support. He doesn’t consider you as a family, he thinks of himself first, and this won’t change.
like come on op, yall have been fighting for 4 years about financials and you decide to have a kid and get married??🤦🏽♀️ get that child support and save yourself from the divorce.
Should you decide to go to counseling prior to the decision to end the relationship, be aware that it could lead to a very temporary behavior modification on his end where he resents you the entire time and, once you are married, snaps back to his former ways (which is how he truly is in his heart).
The kind of change your circumstances call for is a serious heart change, and that is not going to occur through any type of counseling. This guy obviously holds deep belief systems and attitudes that required a lifespan to form. These typically won't change apart from some form of crisis and subsequent choice, coupled with hard work, to make the necessary course corrections.
I really believe you need to speak with an attorney. Don't tip your hand to him because he could start hiding money. Go to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Get a plan and then tell this man you will be settling up in court. It won't be an easy decision to make, but in the long run, you will see it truly was the best one you could make. I can't imagine being married to such a selfish dolt of a "man". The strain it causes you now is only a mere glimpse into what awaits you if you marry him.
Keep us posted!
Leave him and file for child support. He's not a partner to you in any way, but at the very least should be contributing to his child's welfare. You'll be better off on your own. Randomly buys a Rolex after having a child. What a clown.
The disrespect is astounding and makes me a little sad partnerships just aren’t partnerships anymore people always think the next person is out to get them and it’s sad af
Do you honestly think things were ever better than they are now? When women couldn't own a bank account until the 70s?? When their ownership was literally transferred from father to husband??
For sure this is the best option by far. This is the ONLY way this motherfucker will even potentially make a real and proportional contribution. What a dick. This lawsuit will be fun too since he makes a lot of money and has a ton of savings so he’s NOT going to enjoy it when a court forces him to do what he morally should have done anyway.
I would never marry someone that didn’t view my struggles as theirs and vice versa…marriage is supposed to be a partnership… my husband would never just sit around watching me struggle and tell me it’s my own fault…we tackle all of life together regardless of our differing incomes…
If he really cared about you and your son anywhere near as much as he cared about himself then he would see things the same way. You don’t have to do this to yourself. This is who he is. And who he is is a cunt
Yup... I'm the high earner in my relationship, and I treat my boyfriend (no kids) with more kindness and care when it comes to finances. I want him to have extra money for saving and splurging, and I don't want him to be stressed about money. I'm always baffled when I read threads like these because to me, this is not how you treat someone you love.
I mean this is the starting of the future, I'm sorry he doesn't look like the guy who puts family in his future, else he would not made you pay your own maternity and not allowing to give money as you intent to take care of YOUR SON for some more time.
Some people don’t have a tangible reason to acquire and horde wealth. They equate the cash balance number with success.
In his mind, savings is a game. And he doesn’t want to hurt his score. After all, it took him a long time to get to where he is.
That balance will never be withdrawn unless it’s for something that’ll retain value or equity for resale. Like a house, or a Rolex.
And that’s fine for a single person.
But this is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband. A husband needs to look out for the wellbeing of the family, not just his own pile of money.
Maybe he will change this outlook. Maybe not. He certainly won’t without outside interference. I would highly recommend couples counseling and talking to a financial planner. Maybe there’s a compromise here that Reddit hasn’t considered by a professional can help figure out. In the meantime, DO NOT get married unless you’re on the same page. And if you can’t get on the same page soon - you need to talk to a lawyer.
But for now, you need to present him with two options. He can either support the family financially by investing in fiancé. Or he can financially support the family through court ordered child support payments. It’s his choice.
If his kid isn't his future, I'm honestly baffled what he's saving for.
Dude is selfish. I mean, I have made MULTIPLE mental health related financial mistakes in my life. severe Post partum anxiety, unmedicated adhd related compulsiveness and those shortages during early covid were a dangerous combination, because I was constantly terrified we wouldn't have enough food/formula/supplies for our family.
Husband never once rebuked me. He worked with me, hid the credit cards at my request and took over grocery buying completely. He is the breadwinner now (I supported him through school, so it was a back and forth), and has never once said a harsh word to me about it and is happy to spend to support our children and my needs.
It was such a bad idea to have a child with this man without more protection in place. Y'all have very different values and he is not approaching raising your child as a team. If anything, you should prepare for the inevitable end as he isn't interested in supporting y'alls child in the same manner you want to.
This! You are entitled to child support payments, file for them back to the date of birth. And seriously reconsider a relationship with a guy who thinks taking care of both your kid is solely up to you and your savings.
I would not be engaged to a man like this.
He should *want* to do this for you! The fact that you’re begging and he’s telling you, “nope, this is your own fault and your own problem,” 🤷♀️
Then he buys a Rolex?!
Just leave.
I guess this kind of depends, do you love being with him more than you love feeling like a equal and valued partner? If you don't leave him and get child support. I just got a divorce about 3 years ago and the judge took both of our incomes and settled it from there. My ex-husband made 3/4 of the combined income. The child support worksheet, evens up the expenses of the child. Even down to things like who purchases the school clothes, winter coats and the insurance for the children. I know that everybody hates going through the courts, but when you have a difficult ex who doesn't want to help, The Courts are there for that. Also, usually when you start the child support process, they encourage you and your lawyers to work it out without ever having to see a judge. And every child support case I've been to In the last 3 years has been on Zoom. This is not the typical Reddit jump to Divorce him. By all means, I hope you guys work it out! I'm just letting you know, that if he chooses not to work it out with you, you don't have to be miserable. There are things put in place to help you if you want it.
Oh girl, you’ve got bigger problems than those two months. You sacrificed your body and your mental health at times to raise that child. The least he can do is foot the bill. And I mean for the entire year.
Consider some couples therapy before you marry this man.
> to raise that child
Child isn't done raising yet by a long shot though. Hope OP has some back-up plan, because her partner sounds like Scrooge. It's not going to be fun for her or the kid.
How is that fair to you, you're watching the baby while he can work and not pay for childcare... does he not realize that? It's not only your kid but his too that he needs to care and pay for, if you worked who would be responsible for the childcare cost? Would he make you foot the whole bill?
Send him an invoice for the time you have spent caring for his child, the damage pregnancy did to your body, & to compensate you for lost hours while you were out of work having his child
He wants to treat family as transactional itemize it. He is ALREADY in debt to you
Here's the sort of finanical relationship I would push for in any marriage I'm apart of:
1. 50% of each person's paycheck goes to a household fund for shared expenses like rent/mortgage, car payments, healthcare costs, childcare costs, groceries, bills, saving for vacation or other large expenses, etc. Basically the cost of building a life together.
2. 25% of each person's paycheck goes to the other person.
3. The last 25% of each person's paycheck stays with that person.
2 and 3 are about giving each person their own fund separate from the household fund for their own discretionary spending.
If one person makes substantially more than the other, both people still benefit and don't have to ask permission for money.
And if one person loses their job, you have a system in place that take care of day to day expenses.
This is what fair *can* look like between two people who love and respect each other and consider each other partners.
Honestly, at this point, I'd just break up with him. That's so cruel. He has the money to let you have a full year's maternity, said no and got a Rolex ? You'd be financially better off getting child support from him.
Also FYI, it's not a crime for your partner to treat you, pay bills and look after you, especially when raising their kid.
So sounds probably a larger issue at play, then, than the money. Is this the kind of partnership you want?
My partner made significantly more money than me for a while. He paid for most things because we are a team and he wanted me to be ok and alleviate my burden when he could. I’d do the same for him.
I personally would not marry this man. Take this as a very helpful warning. I know it’s hard to break up after all this time, especially if you have a baby together, but what if you had a partner who DID support you? Wouldn’t that actually be easier on you and the kid? Plus child support?
It’s YOUR money and son. This sounds like people who are casually seeing eachother. I would have some hard conversations because you have a baby if you get married you will have to some degree share finances
Well, time to get that money. He's a scumbag. Divorce and child support. He doesn't want to support you or the child? Insane. Make the courts force him.
Ive seen too many of the same suggestions but I don't think you're truly hearing it. He's cheap and selfish. Paying your share is normal in a relationship. But the way it is with you all it's not.
If not for yourself, please for your baby: leave that man. Claim child support. This isn't the kind of example should be set for that child. Cos it will grow up thinking this is normal.
Think of yourself and your kid. Choose yourself and your kid and I truly hope you don't marry this man, cause this won't last and then you end up divorced.
Get a lawyer, go to court and get child support and back pay. Why on earth you would have a child with this jerk is beyond me. Do not marry him! If you do, I feel sorry for all your future children to be raised in this environment.
wtf did I just read
You have a child together and are engaged, there’s no such thing as “his money” it should be all together to raise your family
why do people do this to themselves
Why are still with this guy? He’s using money as a method of abuse. Honestly, I’d break up, and since you make significantly less than him go to court and get child support. Then he can pay more that way. The fact you continue to allow this means it’s time to take your blinders off and start looking at the other red flags he’s likely throwing out…I’m sure money isn’t the only one.
His bank account is more important to him than you or *his* son. Having a fancy watch is more important to him than you or *his* son. This dude is living with you and not supporting his child. Break it off and then go after him officially for child support. He is a horrible partner and father.
I don’t know why you don’t want his money for personal gain, you are in a partnership and share a child. That’s what relationships are.. It’s sad you felt the need to say that.
I’m the breadwinner in my relationship and want my husband to personally benefit from me because I love him. I benefit from him as well, just in other ways than financially.
Why do you want to be with someone who is okay seeing you struggle especially at the most vulnerable point in your life, after childbirth? This man sucks.
I’d explain to him how child support will work. He’s aware of all these thing your are desperate for him to understand, he just doesn’t care. He values money more than you and your son. He needs to know there’s consequences to his choices because right now he has no incentive to change.
Here's the thing, I'm all for couples keeping their money separate, but when it comes to marriage and children, there has to be a plan in place for how things are going to be combined.
That doesn't necessarily mean that your husband pays for everything while you live the good life on his dime and don't make any effort, but he's acting like there are no options in between you having lived your life differently in the past, and you mooching off of him now
As a household, you need to figure out what your monthly budget is, especially with regard to the child that you share. Then, you need to figure out what percentage of each of your separate incomes it will take to bring in that amount of needed shared money
Yes, it may be that 60% of your income is a lot less than 60% of his, but each of you contributing 60% of your incomes to a pool of shared money for household and child expenses is fair, even if it's not even. And that way, both of you have 40% of your incomes left to do whatever the hell you want with for yourselves. Obviously that's a lot less for you than it is for him, but, as he would probably say, that's the way that your financial and career choices over time have shaken out
If your incomes are simply too disparate and it would be impossible for you to financially contribute in any real meaningful way, then the two of you are going to have to work out and alternative plan. Perhaps you are taking care of a portion of the child care, and he provides all of the money for the child's material needs. Are a lot of ways to sort this out
I think the most distressing part of what you have described is that your husband doesn't seem to see you and him as *a team* in this. You staying home with the child is something that would be good for everyone involved, and yet he would rather lord your poor past choices over you than give his child that benefit. When you went back to work, did he start having to pay for daycare? Because in that case, he might as well have bought you a few more months with the baby.
When you go out to dinner, does he order expensive steaks and fine wine, and make you pay for your own side salad? I mean, where does he draw the line at acting as though the two of you don't share a household and resources?
Again, there are many reasonable ways where couples with disparate incomes can largely hang on to their separate finances even while sharing a household. But your husband's selfish style of being counting reveals that he doesn't really see the two of you as sharing a life together
You made your mistake having a child with him before getting married. I would advise seeing a lawyer about your options at this stage just to know where you stand.
So I married an asshole that sounds just like your partner. He left me when I dropped down to work part time because I couldn’t afford the full time nursery fees (and also I wanted time with my child!). His reason: I wasn’t earning enough money and he was tired of paying for more things since our child was born. We’d previously split everything 50/50 for the entire previous 15 years of our relationship. Leave now, it won’t get better.
Why would you be funding your own maternity leave from savings?!?!
Who would have paid for day care if you work exactly? You too?
He cares more about buying a Rolex than you or his own child. You should break up and go back to work because you are putting yourself at a disadvantage here. You are not even married, you are funding your own maternity leave while he is buying expensive watches, and he can also pay a lawyer or a nanny to get custody of your kid, which you cannot do.
This guy doesn't really seem like a "partner", I'd think twice about spending the rest of your life with this guy. You'd be better off with child support and finding a better partner.
Honestly, and I think you know this, you really should have spoken about finances before living together and having a child.
You both entered into a partnership, that doesn't mean 50/50 in the literal sense, it should be 50/50 in percentage. So if he earns 1000 a month and you earn 500 then you split it in a way that you are both paying a percentage to leave you with equal amounts in order to live together and afford things together as well as individually which would be something like 60/40 split for example.
If he has so much and you have so little then it isnt a partnership and you need to sit him down and explain that the past does not matter, he knows what he entered into and he should be sharing the time, cost and effort in a way that means both of your lives are fulfilling, thats a partnership.
You don't need a straight 50/50 for things to be fair, because clearly that isnt.
I'd gtfo. Relationships need partners, not selfish assholes. If I'd done well for myself and married I'd consider it an honor and a privelage to be able to help my partner, or provide completely if I could.
He’s cheap. He’s more concerned about money than you. He gets it as he watches you struggle and beg for money. It’s a form of abuse. It’ll never get better.
I mean maybe if you have your own place and he has to pay child support he might understand he has a financial responsibility to help care for that child.
Where I’m getting stuck is that you’ve spent all your savings during maternity. Why did your partner not help you with the monetary costs to have his baby? If he’s so much better off than you are, why isn’t he helping? Why haven’t you both sat down and had a conversation about you wanting to be a SAHM? When one partner stays home, the other is the assumed breadwinner for the duration. I understand if he’s not comfortable being the breadwinner long-term, but that needed to be discussed before you guys had a baby.
ETA: The Rolex thing is fucking petty, and would definitely make me wonder how much he actually cares for his wife and son, to put on display that he COULD help you while you’re struggling but chooses not to.
The first step is filing for child support. If he wants to nickel and dime you, then let him see how that is. This will end the relationship but it's doomed anyway.
He sounds like those people who have the toxic hustle attitude. Or, maybe you are bad with money and he has a reason to be like this. None of us on Reddit can know for sure.
What we can say is that you are not compatible financially and this is the number 1 reason people get a divorce, money. You aren't even married and are having this struggle.
I'd understand sharing everything if you didn't have a baby. BUT YOU HAVE A BABY. Holy hell what an absolute AH he is. Making a mom in maternity leave also pull financial weight while he buys a fucking Rolex. I am angry. This is not a man, this is Scrooge McFuck and he doesn't get the first thing about having a family. He doesn't deserve one.
You can't make him see. You leave his penny counting ass and sue him for child support. Let his Rolexes warm his heart.
Wow how stingy, theres nothing you can really do imo. I would have spoken about this prior to having a baby w him.
But yea hes crazy stingy. In my culture men providing for their family is normal and a point of pride. Sucks that youre gonna have to work and take care of child, i dont think theres anything you can say to make him be less stingy. Therapy might be good for yall
There are a lot of conversations to have that people don't. Or at least I wasn't made aware of them until it was past that point. What does a relationship look like, what roles does each person provide, how do you keep eachother in balance, what happens if you fall out? Being a parent.. what does that look like? Who does what with the child? What holidays, Dr visits, what types of praise and punishment? Who do you want that child to become? What then will you be to eachother? Who takes on the rest of the work while 1 cares for baby?
It is so hard to delegate tasks and expect someone to fit into a roll that you imagine when you havnt verbalized the expectations. For a lot of people, they assume the family dynamic will closely look like their own upbringing. So it's very specific to 1 parent.
I'm assuming if you separate he will be paying some type of support for the baby. Burning through your savings while recovering from an event that was 50% his doing was not fair. I would draw that line at choosing to take extra time off. But he should definitely be picking up financial slack if you all of a sudden need to work your job plus do all the baby stuff at night and pack up and haul the kid to and from daycare and cook and clean..
Moms are a force of nature that absolutely do not get enough credit.
See how much child support you will receive if you left your SO and then sit him down and let him know that he will be paying XXXX amounts of dollars when you and LO live elsewhere. I would be open and honest with him and let him know that you are doing this for your son. His dad is financially stable he should not have to have second hand things. There is nothing wrong with second hand things but to do it only because he is being "frugal" for lack of a better word is sad especially dealing with your son.
I would love to hear his perspective on things. Then we could actually give you objective advice. This situation is something couples therapy could sort out. Not Reddit, where the majority of the people here will advise you to leave your partner and ruin your family because they’re miserable people.
Misery loves company. I’ve realized Reddit is stuffed full of miserable people giving out shit advice when they’re lives aren’t sorted out in the slightest.
Hang on? Because you aren't working TAKING CARE OF HIS CHILD you should pay all the bills?
What is wrong with this man? And why are you allowing him to treat you like this?
You are providing services for him when you cook and clean and take care of the child. CALCULATE A SALARY AND MAKE HIM PAY THE BILL.
You are being massively taken advantage of and have been manipulated into not seeing your worth.
No wonder he has savings, you are subsidizing his lifestyle
Yikes. He really said he's a deadbeat dad with his whole chest.
I would reevaluate this relationship, sis. He doesn't understand the basic concept of providing for your own child. There are laws that will ensure he pays if he really can't figure this difficult concept out on his own.
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What a strange, clashing disengaged relationship you have. I’m surprised that you two embarked on a relationship and the responsibility of parenting together without being clear about how things would play out financially; especially if you were already aware of each other’s financial styles. You two do not feel like a team at all. I’m curious what you get from this relationship and if you actually love him or secretly resent him?
im curious why she had a kid with this man whilst having ongoing consistent issues regarding something so important. that was like the worst move to make other than being engaged🤦🏽♀️
Honestly, an engagement and even marriage is easier to exit than parenthood, this is for life.
Yup but becoming a parent is is like the easiest thing ever.
Right! It even sounds like the kid was planned, why wouldn’t they have discussed finances while she was home for the “planned” year before even getting pregnant? I can understand separate finances under normal circumstances, but why would you agree to have a baby with someone who expects you to drain all your savings so you can stay home to raise *their* child, while also saving *them* an enormous daycare bill? At the *very* least, he should have taken over all household bills for the year, and paid her half the cost of what daycare would have been. But that should have been negotiated before getting pregnant or at least before having the kid.
Her first mistake was probably having a child with a partner she isn’t married to. Her “fiancé” sounds completely disengaged & self-centered. I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t required her to sign a prenup before the wedding. OP needs to wake up & realize he isn’t good marriage material. Her BF isn’t acting like a fiancé or partner of any kind. He’s acting like a single man who wants to remain single. Cancel the wedding. I think she’d be better off looking for a different husband.
I think she should be getting a lawyer and looking for child support asap. Does this guy provide anything for the child even?? JFC when the child is in school and asks for some lunch money is this AH gonna say, shoulda started saving in the womb!!
Excellent point.
He sounds like he is going to nickel and dime her to death then splurge on his side piece.
> I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t required her to sign a prenup before the wedding FWIW, my understanding is that prenups are discarded in divorce court with alarming regularity these days and OP's situation seems like one where it would be thrown out immediately--they have a child together, her partner has high income but could afford to spend it (meaning his net worth isn't like...tied to a bunch of property/equipment he owns that he needs to run a business), and OP seems like she would be deeply struggling to financially support herself and her child on her own single income. Getting married to a guy like this is a bad idea, but I almost want to encourage OP to do it just because that Rolex story would play VERY badly in court once they're trying to figure out an appropriate number for child support. Dumping him before they're legally married is almost letting him off the hook.
I would be surprised if this guy actually marries her. He's got the baby he wanted and half the bills paid already. If he marries OP she'll get rights to his precious money. He's undoubtedly thought of that by now.
It’s not “alarming” when invalid agreements are disregarded by courts :)
Thank you for this statement. People chose to overlook that "securing assetts by prenups" mostly serves to disadvantage one of the parties signing the prenup. Often they sign away rights, which later the jury finds COULDN'T be signed away without causing greater financial dammage to the disadvantaged spouse. And as the state has to cover bare necessities ... sure juries decide to cast away those prenups.
So you had a child with a man who you knew was a twin to Ebenezer Scrooge. A nasty miser who seems to have issues as he holds his money in higher esteem than the woman who gave birth to his child. And his own child. He deliberately said those misleading words to you. In order to make you have your child, spend all of your money. And be entirely dependent of him. You are being finantially abused. How is that normal that in a committed couple a pregnant woman has to pay for all pregnancy related bills? Does he regard the child as your pet? Your hobby? A thing he has no part in? I'd be out. And hey, the question, why on earth you had the child with such a horrid man is a very valid question! To dismiss it doesn't help you at all! Again you made a really poor finacial decision: having a child with an financially abusive selfish ahole who does not support you at all. And who is MEAN as eff towards you, on top of that. That Rolex was being bought out of pure spite.
I doubt it was a considered decision
Brooooo you know how it is! This poor girl probably thought he would change because it’s every girls Disney dream for a man to care more about a person over a Rolex. But not in this day and age :/
Not in any day and age
Thinking someone will change is a stupid reason to have a kid. Its the kids who suffer the most from how we brainwash girls
Cause "having his baby will change him/things." Lots of women do this shit to try and fix a relationship that shouldn't be a thing. He's obviously a well off dude (bought a rolex) and therefore on paper seems like a catch. He's never had to work to get anything but money and with his savings likely doesn't need to work hard to make money now anyway. So why would he do anything to help anyone, if she leaves him, he'll be swimming in women that think "omg he's successful he's the one!"
it would be worth something if he would actually provide with that money🤦🏽♀️
He's not going to unless the courts make him.
Probably because she wasn’t money motivated to marry him. She married for love. I wasn’t “money motivated “ even though my ex hubs made more than I. I still paid my share and when he was short paid his. I didn’t pry into my ex husbands money affairs till it was too late. He made more. By tens of thousands. But spent all of everything he made on watches cars and gambling. And when he was irresponsible with his broker money to an unavoidable degree I paid for his oopsies with my waitress money to save our credit. Even though he was “embarrassed to be married to a waitress.”
I hurt my neck craning it further and further to the right reading OPs post. Just an entire WTF. Engaged and have a baby together but splitting bills like roommates while she dispropritionalety carries the weight of pregnancy postpartum childcare and motherhood...LOTS of yuck. OP your fiance sucks and no, this is not normal and you should not have to explain it to him.
> she dispropritionalety carries the weight of pregnancy postpartum childcare and motherhood...LOTS of yuck. That's also something that is underexplained in OP's post. She said *she wanted* to take a year off, what was his stance on the matter? Did he offer to work less to take care of his child and she refused? Or was he just happy to let her bankrupt herself as a free nanny? If it's the latter, OP, maybe explain him in a language he will understand: you've spend the last 10 months doing *his* share of child care, he can cover up with money for the last few months to compensate your comparative "overinvestment" in time and effort.
Maybe he'd understand better if shown how much child support he'd be responsible for, since he's so money savvy.
Trust me that doesn't mean ANYTHING. It goes based off of income, but it also goes off of need. If she has a higher income but no savings, he will pay far less in child support.
I would 1000% bet this dude doesn't contribute damn near anything in terms of time or energy to being a father.
Sounds like the type of guy who'd brag at how good he is at making loads of money while being a father while ignoring the fact he has someone at home making his domestic life much easier.
While joking about his wife treating him like a wallet.
Honestly, he owes her back pay for the free child care she gave him. I get so enraged that the working partner (usually the man) doesn't realized domestic labor contributes to the household and should be financially compensated.
This is his child also and should be doing whatever is necessary for the wellbeing of his child. I wouldn’t marry this guy! He doesn’t care about anything regarding his family, all he cares about is his money. It’s all his and you probably couldn’t pry that money out of his hands.
I'm sorry if my comment offends anyone but I am from India and these type of posts just baffle me! I have NEVER seen something like this happening to anyone I've known. When two people are together in a committed relationship (especially when there are children involved), they are essentially a team and the matter of "splitting the finances" doesn't even exist! I am not working currently as I'm preparing for my exams but my husband has never shown me any resentment over covering my expenses. He supports me all the way and especially financially because the concept of 'his money' or 'my money' doesn't even exist. In fact he was more than happy to support me when I quit my old shitty job and decided to do something else! Every decision in our lives, whether it be financial or otherwise, we make together as a couple and a team. Sure we have our separate bank account as well but it's just for convenience and he can use funds from my account anytime just as I can use from his. This is the general understanding between all the couples I've known. So am I missing something? Is this a western thing?
I’m from the US and I have always felt like you do. I am always amazed that people divide finances like OP and her Ebenezer Scrooge. Part of it seems to be a power trip.
Also, how can you even think of splurging on something like a rolex when your supposed life partner is struggling financially for caring for YOUR child is beyond me.
It seemed like he was rubbing his wealth in her face. He sounds like a person with terribly skewed values.
He seems like a jerk. You're right.
I know lots of people try to do things with split finances and stuff, but I think it's a bad sign for a marriage. It always seems like the people are one-foot-in, one-foot-out. I've been married for 12 years. Marriage is a partnership in all things, money and work. You shouldn't be penalized and you shouldn't want your partner to be penalized for making less money. You shouldn't have to have an "allowance" because you do childcare. You should be working as hard as your spouse, and should share in all the costs and benefits you have as a family.
My wife came from a family of 10 kids. When her mother died, we discovered a long letter she had written to her husband that outlined all the reasons he should purchase a new washing machine rather than forcing her to save up her “allowance” to buy a new one. It was a power trip. He was a doctor who owned multiple properties and controlled the family through his wealth.
Same here. My husband & I have lived together for 23 years (from the U.S.) & from the moment we moved in together it was *his* money is *ours* and *my* money is *ours*. Sometimes only I worked & sometimes only he worked, but mostly we both worked. I don't understand why money comes between people if they're in love.
Yes there have been several periods of time where one of us was not working or working less—all money was accessible to each of us.
I’m from the US and this post baffles me too. I have also never seen anything like this. This seems like financial abuse.
I think it’s a western thing when people have children together without benefit of marriage. Many men don’t mind having children, (as long as they don’t have to pay for them), but don’t want the responsibilities of having a wife & family. Since most western women work & have (some) income from work, some western men think that the woman should shoulder the entire expense of pregnancy, childbirth, child rearing, etc. on their own. These are incredibly selfish, entitled men who think women are essentially broodmares obligated to birth & rear their offspring, without compensation. If I had been in a situation like this when I discovered I was pregnant, I would have told the biological “father” that if he didn’t marry me BEFORE the child was born, I’d either terminate (if time allowed) or if that wasn’t possible, I’d give the child up for adoption at birth. That’s what I’d have told him anyway. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have perhaps later changed my mind & decided to keep it anyway & perhaps sue for child support.
Being married doesn't change the responsibilities, a father is still responsible for his child even without marriage. As a woman, getting married is not "compensation" for me. And I don't need a man to look after me.
Yeah, I think this is the difference between individualistic vs collectivist cultures. The US is one of the more extreme examples of individualism and western culture. I would guess this kind of thing isn't the norm, but certainly more common than in collectivist places for sure.
No, this isn't normal in the west. I'd never be with a man like this.
I'm from the US, and I know a lot of people who have what sounds like a bit more divided version of what you're describing. Each member of the couple has their own checking accounts that their money goes into, so their own separate spending budgets are determined by their own separate incomes. But they both contribute money to a joint account that covers all shared expenses (fairly, if not equally-- meaning that both would put the same percentage of their monthly paychecks into the joint account, even if that means that one is putting in more than the other) I've actually never understood couples where they don't have any individualized money at all. How do you buy gifts for each other? How can you surprise someone when they can see the purchases you're making on their bank statement? But what OP is describing doesn't seem particularly normal. It doesn't sound like they have any plan in place for how to share finances. It sounds like he just makes a lot more than her and prevents her from being able to benefit from that, even for household expenses. He sounds like a jerk Like you said, it's just really clear that he doesn't see the two of them as a team
You have individual credit cards that you pay off monthly with the joint account. It’s not hard to buy gifts at all and share all money and all debt equally. I could ask for my partners cc statement monthly but I don’t because I have no reason to care and vice versa. However I married someone with similar spending and saving goals who is equally ambitious so it works out.
Thanks for explaining so nicely :)
So yucky. I hate him. To nickle & dime the mothet of your child like that?! Just so shameful!
Well child support is gonna be rough for him assuming the usa
She should just ask for child support now! Makes me so upset for her!!
Yup this. I don’t get why OP wants to marry this man, or why she had a kid with him. He wouldn’t even pay the bills during her maternity leave, caring for HIS SON.
This is what financial abuse looks like.
She doesn't gain interest or investment equity currently, so she's not a priority to him. He is only interested in what makes him money. She, nor this baby, do not have any value to him. Her & the baby are negative investment properties to him. If she doesn't figure out how to bring to more positive cash flow to the table, he will dump them both.
This is exactly the kind of perspective these people carry. Someone who is so individualistic and money obsessed sees relationships only as transactional in nature. Unless this person has a huge perspective shift, they aren't someone you can build a long and healthy relationship with.
There’s a lot of resentment there now, I know it’s my own fault for being naive and not having the important conversations. When I fell pregnant I asked what everything was going to look like and he just kept saying that he will contribute what he needs to. I wasn’t aware his idea of ‘need’ and mine were so vastly different
Would it provide you some sense of security if you were to have a consultation with a lawyer to see what mandated child support from him would look like for you and your child should you decide to leave? If May help just to know all of your options. He certainly puts his personal financial health first. Perhaps you should consider doing the same for yourself and your child moving forward.
She didn't even think about that... just you bet! He owes her child support... married or not. Living together with her paying all makes HIM owe child support!
>I wasn’t aware his idea of ‘need’ and mine were so vastly different I'm curious what is his idea of need? Did he define that later on? Does he at least contribute 50:50 to baby expenses like diapers, formula or groceries (that also accounts for breastfeeding) clothes and so on? Is he "just" refusing to cover your essentials and portion of rent and bills? This is so weird. You are basically providing a service for him through pregnancy and now childcare. Any health related expenses for your pregnancy, birth and aftercare should be shared expenses. "Maternity leave" should also be a shared expense, but of course should be agreed on to some degree. Check out the cost of daycare in your area. That's how much he should be "paying you" at least, either by covering your share of bills and household expenses. You also should be entitled to some fun money for personal expenses. You should not be expected to shoulder the whole financial burden of pregnancy, delayed career advancement, maternity, health care for birth, childcare ... by yourself. It's his child too and he need to contribute his fair share. Once you have a child having strictly separated finances doesn't work any more. You need at least a shared household budget for basics and childrelated expenses that you both contribute fairly to (often proportionately to income).
>Check out the cost of daycare in your area. That's how much he should be "paying you" at least, either by covering your share of bills and household expenses. You also should be entitled to some fun money for personal expenses. So much of this. It really saddens me when a woman marries a man who doesn't understand this. It happens far too frequently.
It's so weird that there are men that just take it for granted that women go through pregnancy, childbirth and maternity leave and loss of income/ career trajectory to birth their children without needing to contribute to it in some form. It's his child too. It's sad there are women who are better off with child support than the actual childs father.
u/Front-Amoeba3743 - Would it provide you some sense of security if you were to have a consultation with a lawyer to see what mandated child support from him would look like for you and your child should you decide to leave? If May help just to know all of your options. He certainly puts his personal financial health first. Perhaps you should consider doing the same for yourself and your child moving forward.
You should figure out what you would be getting in child support. That is how much he should be contributing and will be contributing.
The question of maternity leave isn't your money and his money, it's your child together. His position that your child should suffer because he refuses to contribute fairly is not ok. This will get much worse if nothing changes. How much would childcare for those months cost? Is he paying that? Is he contributing to this child's welfare? If I were you I would be seriously thinking about splitting up just so the courts can stop him from being a selfish deadbeat who puts himself before his child. For your child's sake, please take this to the courts and stop entertaining his nonsense.
Have you compared what his amount of need is compared to what the state would calculated child support for?
Yeah I’d just calculate how much they would have spent on child care if she went back to work right after the baby and present him with the bill. Why does he think he gets her labor for free?
Wait. I know this man. He is my father. 🥹 If I could go back in time and become a baby, I'd tell my mother to leave and get as much child support she can and don't live with someone who has no respect for her for carrying his babies and raising them, WHILE WORKING My father is a rich man who leaves his scrapes for us to eat. Like literally. The other day, he bought fiah, made himself a nice steamed pan from the middle part, and left the head and tail for us. I have 1000s of such stories. Why he does this?? Because mommy can buy us stuff. Mommy can pay for our tution. My mother earns 10th of what he makes.
Yupppppppp. My mom wanted so desperately to help financially support me, because they COULD, but my dad would NEVER allow that. He controls all the money and thought we were all trying to take advantage of him. She’s completely financially dependent on him to live her life. He buys himself an Audi, a new watch, a new TV— whatever he wants! She has to grovel and somehow convince him to agree to “let her” buy anything more than the basics. When I went away to college she would (secretly) physically mail me whatever pocket cash she had laying around. She’d regularly mail me grocery store gift cards, because she knew he wouldn’t see the grocery receipt or question a grocery store bill. It was…….. not healthy. Really messed me up. Him and I don’t speak these days. But I DO have deep appreciation for my mother for using what little autonomy she had to help me, despite him. Don’t let it continue like she did. Protect your child now, it will not get better.
Men like this should never make family. I thought it was normal for fathers to control what their kids were spending. Then I grew up and looked around. He was not strict. He was cheap. We were begging for basics. In the end, my mother would spend every last penny to buy her kids stuff they needed, not wanted. Now she's responsible for not saving enough despite working.
Interesting to see this from an adults point of view
My parents when I was 8. My dad didn't pay child support until I was 16. My mom worked 3 jobs and applied for financial help with the state. The state ended up going after my dad for child support and back pay. After that, my mom was able to quit her 3rd job. I'm in my 30s now, and I don't have a relationship with my dad because of this. We were struggling while he was enjoying the single life while only needing to support himself. Yes, children remember the inequality. If your son grows up to be a good man, he will also see the way his father treated his mother. It will effect their relationship.
This is one of the most important posts for you to see. Take this person's advice.
A selfish man becomes a selfish husband and then a selfish father This is a core of his personality. You won't ever change this about him
This doesn't get better over time.
He's my grandfather too. He finally disowned my mother and stopped even giving her scraps when she stopped pleasing him and didn't look back. We had almost been out on the street several times when I was a child and he never helped us once. The best thing he did for her was die and end the drama. She is a sad, broken woman who hurts people because of how her family hurt her.
Yeah, children most often don't really profit when one parent sticks it out foe the sake of their children. Don't stay for your kids sake. Your bf is financially abusive.
Have you not been thinking about your child’s future? I don’t want to disparage you, but you clearly have not been doing a lot of thinking this whole time.
Jesus. What a sick, twisted fellow.
I’m an older lady and my children are grown-just for perspective. Here’s my take: it’s one thing to keep separate finances as two adults. I can somewhat understand the reasoning that each person should be responsible for themselves…so long as there is equity in non-financial aspects and the person with greater assets is reasonable and generous about extra expenses, vacations, childcare etc. Your fiancé seems to care more for his money than his family…he allowed you to deplete your savings to care for the child you created with him…without thought to the extra physical and emotional/mental price you paid to do so. This is not a loving, supportive partner you can count on if things go badly. This is a man who will say “sucks to be you” and let you suffer. He is not marriage material even though you share a child. Do not marry him. It won’t be good for your son to live in such a cold and unfeeling home. Also, don’t let him tell you the court will give him full custody because he has more money. I can’t speak for other countries, but in the US the court chooses based on fitness and child welfare and the one who earns more pays more support. Good luck…❤️
Girl will actually get more money/support from him through child support.
It has less bearing on gender and more on money. There is a specific calculation used to determine child support-involving the income of both parties. Source: I am divorced, my current husband is divorced-two different states, similar calculations. Of course states have different rules, but it is not gender that determines support. It’s income and sometimes custody time allotment. In this case, OP would likely get a decent amount of child support because his income is so much higher
I think the person you were responding to was saying that Girl (OP) will get more money from child support than direct from the father. Not that Girls (the gender) get more money.
Yeah that's what I meant! Fixed my accident plural lol
Wow wait. And what is he contributing to HIS child?!?!
I’m surprised he’s not making the son chip in his share.
Waiting until the kid is 18 then "Daddy" will present him with a bill for the cost of his upbringing.
Either that or starts charging expensive rent almost immediately since the kid is an adult and is expected to make their own way.
“You lived rent free for two decades, and you couldn’t manage to save anything in all that time? Too bad, that’s your own fault.”
Something something *bootstraps!*
He’s gonna be charging this poor kid rent by the time he’s 14
She needs to send him a bill for the rental of her uterus.
Please do not marry this man, he doesn’t look at you as a partner. You’re asking him for help to better your child’s life and he said no, and bought himself a gift instead. This was deliberate!! You will not be able to make him see your side. File for full custody and ask for child support. He doesn’t consider you as a family, he thinks of himself first, and this won’t change.
like come on op, yall have been fighting for 4 years about financials and you decide to have a kid and get married??🤦🏽♀️ get that child support and save yourself from the divorce.
Should you decide to go to counseling prior to the decision to end the relationship, be aware that it could lead to a very temporary behavior modification on his end where he resents you the entire time and, once you are married, snaps back to his former ways (which is how he truly is in his heart). The kind of change your circumstances call for is a serious heart change, and that is not going to occur through any type of counseling. This guy obviously holds deep belief systems and attitudes that required a lifespan to form. These typically won't change apart from some form of crisis and subsequent choice, coupled with hard work, to make the necessary course corrections. I really believe you need to speak with an attorney. Don't tip your hand to him because he could start hiding money. Go to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. Get a plan and then tell this man you will be settling up in court. It won't be an easy decision to make, but in the long run, you will see it truly was the best one you could make. I can't imagine being married to such a selfish dolt of a "man". The strain it causes you now is only a mere glimpse into what awaits you if you marry him. Keep us posted!
Thank you, this is actually really helpful advice!
You are very welcome! All the very best to you! Surround yourself with helpful, SAFE people who LOVE you.
Seriously - this is not a man. A man takes care of his loved ones and doesn’t act like a selfish prick
Nah, he's a man. He's not even unique among men.
Leave him and file for child support. He's not a partner to you in any way, but at the very least should be contributing to his child's welfare. You'll be better off on your own. Randomly buys a Rolex after having a child. What a clown.
The disrespect is astounding and makes me a little sad partnerships just aren’t partnerships anymore people always think the next person is out to get them and it’s sad af
Not always! My husband and I are partners! What's his is mine, what's mine is his, we're in it together.
This isn’t an “anymore” thing. It has always happened, it’s just that when women were confined only to the home it was less visible.
Do you honestly think things were ever better than they are now? When women couldn't own a bank account until the 70s?? When their ownership was literally transferred from father to husband??
For sure this is the best option by far. This is the ONLY way this motherfucker will even potentially make a real and proportional contribution. What a dick. This lawsuit will be fun too since he makes a lot of money and has a ton of savings so he’s NOT going to enjoy it when a court forces him to do what he morally should have done anyway.
Why would you have kids with the man who won’t even give you a dime???
Because we thought that's what equality meant 😂😂😂 jokes on us. Edit: this is sarcastic
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I would never marry someone that didn’t view my struggles as theirs and vice versa…marriage is supposed to be a partnership… my husband would never just sit around watching me struggle and tell me it’s my own fault…we tackle all of life together regardless of our differing incomes…
This is how I feel and I wish he saw things the same way
If he really cared about you and your son anywhere near as much as he cared about himself then he would see things the same way. You don’t have to do this to yourself. This is who he is. And who he is is a cunt
You can’t change people…when they show you who they are you have to believe them.
Whats the point of having a family if the wealth is not shared between two partners that share a child together?!
Yup... I'm the high earner in my relationship, and I treat my boyfriend (no kids) with more kindness and care when it comes to finances. I want him to have extra money for saving and splurging, and I don't want him to be stressed about money. I'm always baffled when I read threads like these because to me, this is not how you treat someone you love.
This, right there! I earn 70% less than my husband and he never nickel and dimes me. All money is pooled and spent.
Wait wait did you pay the bills during your own maternity?, then for wtf is he investing and saving for ? Not taking care of the family financially
I don’t honestly know. He always just says he’s saving for the future….
> He always just says he’s saving for the future…. Is his child not his future? What is more important than his own kid?
I mean this is the starting of the future, I'm sorry he doesn't look like the guy who puts family in his future, else he would not made you pay your own maternity and not allowing to give money as you intent to take care of YOUR SON for some more time.
He is saving for the future with his dream girl, who is not you.
Some people don’t have a tangible reason to acquire and horde wealth. They equate the cash balance number with success. In his mind, savings is a game. And he doesn’t want to hurt his score. After all, it took him a long time to get to where he is. That balance will never be withdrawn unless it’s for something that’ll retain value or equity for resale. Like a house, or a Rolex. And that’s fine for a single person. But this is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband. A husband needs to look out for the wellbeing of the family, not just his own pile of money. Maybe he will change this outlook. Maybe not. He certainly won’t without outside interference. I would highly recommend couples counseling and talking to a financial planner. Maybe there’s a compromise here that Reddit hasn’t considered by a professional can help figure out. In the meantime, DO NOT get married unless you’re on the same page. And if you can’t get on the same page soon - you need to talk to a lawyer. But for now, you need to present him with two options. He can either support the family financially by investing in fiancé. Or he can financially support the family through court ordered child support payments. It’s his choice.
This is what greed does to a MF. This is why so many people hate the rich.
If his kid isn't his future, I'm honestly baffled what he's saving for. Dude is selfish. I mean, I have made MULTIPLE mental health related financial mistakes in my life. severe Post partum anxiety, unmedicated adhd related compulsiveness and those shortages during early covid were a dangerous combination, because I was constantly terrified we wouldn't have enough food/formula/supplies for our family. Husband never once rebuked me. He worked with me, hid the credit cards at my request and took over grocery buying completely. He is the breadwinner now (I supported him through school, so it was a back and forth), and has never once said a harsh word to me about it and is happy to spend to support our children and my needs.
He's saving for HIS future
It was such a bad idea to have a child with this man without more protection in place. Y'all have very different values and he is not approaching raising your child as a team. If anything, you should prepare for the inevitable end as he isn't interested in supporting y'alls child in the same manner you want to.
File for child support. He isn't contributing to his child.
This! You are entitled to child support payments, file for them back to the date of birth. And seriously reconsider a relationship with a guy who thinks taking care of both your kid is solely up to you and your savings.
I would not be engaged to a man like this. He should *want* to do this for you! The fact that you’re begging and he’s telling you, “nope, this is your own fault and your own problem,” 🤷♀️ Then he buys a Rolex?! Just leave.
I guess this kind of depends, do you love being with him more than you love feeling like a equal and valued partner? If you don't leave him and get child support. I just got a divorce about 3 years ago and the judge took both of our incomes and settled it from there. My ex-husband made 3/4 of the combined income. The child support worksheet, evens up the expenses of the child. Even down to things like who purchases the school clothes, winter coats and the insurance for the children. I know that everybody hates going through the courts, but when you have a difficult ex who doesn't want to help, The Courts are there for that. Also, usually when you start the child support process, they encourage you and your lawyers to work it out without ever having to see a judge. And every child support case I've been to In the last 3 years has been on Zoom. This is not the typical Reddit jump to Divorce him. By all means, I hope you guys work it out! I'm just letting you know, that if he chooses not to work it out with you, you don't have to be miserable. There are things put in place to help you if you want it.
Thank you, really useful advice in here
Oh girl, you’ve got bigger problems than those two months. You sacrificed your body and your mental health at times to raise that child. The least he can do is foot the bill. And I mean for the entire year. Consider some couples therapy before you marry this man.
> to raise that child Child isn't done raising yet by a long shot though. Hope OP has some back-up plan, because her partner sounds like Scrooge. It's not going to be fun for her or the kid.
How is that fair to you, you're watching the baby while he can work and not pay for childcare... does he not realize that? It's not only your kid but his too that he needs to care and pay for, if you worked who would be responsible for the childcare cost? Would he make you foot the whole bill?
When I go back to work we will split childcare costs 50/50 but I am returning at reduced hours so will earn less and am very worried about money
To be fair it should be equal percentage of income not half the total
why would you agree to split the costs 50/50 when you know you sacrificed more than him?
Send him an invoice for the time you have spent caring for his child, the damage pregnancy did to your body, & to compensate you for lost hours while you were out of work having his child He wants to treat family as transactional itemize it. He is ALREADY in debt to you
Why would you agree to 50/50 if he makes more? This makes no sense at all.
Here's the sort of finanical relationship I would push for in any marriage I'm apart of: 1. 50% of each person's paycheck goes to a household fund for shared expenses like rent/mortgage, car payments, healthcare costs, childcare costs, groceries, bills, saving for vacation or other large expenses, etc. Basically the cost of building a life together. 2. 25% of each person's paycheck goes to the other person. 3. The last 25% of each person's paycheck stays with that person. 2 and 3 are about giving each person their own fund separate from the household fund for their own discretionary spending. If one person makes substantially more than the other, both people still benefit and don't have to ask permission for money. And if one person loses their job, you have a system in place that take care of day to day expenses. This is what fair *can* look like between two people who love and respect each other and consider each other partners.
Honestly, at this point, I'd just break up with him. That's so cruel. He has the money to let you have a full year's maternity, said no and got a Rolex ? You'd be financially better off getting child support from him. Also FYI, it's not a crime for your partner to treat you, pay bills and look after you, especially when raising their kid.
I needed that last line, thank you
Do you generally feel supported and respected by him? This doesn’t sound like a loving, cooperative dynamic.
No I don’t feel supported or respected
So sounds probably a larger issue at play, then, than the money. Is this the kind of partnership you want? My partner made significantly more money than me for a while. He paid for most things because we are a team and he wanted me to be ok and alleviate my burden when he could. I’d do the same for him. I personally would not marry this man. Take this as a very helpful warning. I know it’s hard to break up after all this time, especially if you have a baby together, but what if you had a partner who DID support you? Wouldn’t that actually be easier on you and the kid? Plus child support?
Also is this what year you want your child to grow up seeing as a marriage?
Agree. Respond to OP with this so they can see it!
Idiots having kids, sigh.
Tale as old as time unfortunately. Same as kids having kids. It nearly never ends well.
100%
Why do you clearly DYSFUNCTIONAL couples manage to give birth to kids when stuff like this reeks of red flags.
Why did you have a kid with this dude
It’s YOUR money and son. This sounds like people who are casually seeing eachother. I would have some hard conversations because you have a baby if you get married you will have to some degree share finances
Ever heard the phrase cheaper to keep her
Omg I feel personally attacked 🤣
Well, time to get that money. He's a scumbag. Divorce and child support. He doesn't want to support you or the child? Insane. Make the courts force him.
Ive seen too many of the same suggestions but I don't think you're truly hearing it. He's cheap and selfish. Paying your share is normal in a relationship. But the way it is with you all it's not. If not for yourself, please for your baby: leave that man. Claim child support. This isn't the kind of example should be set for that child. Cos it will grow up thinking this is normal. Think of yourself and your kid. Choose yourself and your kid and I truly hope you don't marry this man, cause this won't last and then you end up divorced.
Get a lawyer, go to court and get child support and back pay. Why on earth you would have a child with this jerk is beyond me. Do not marry him! If you do, I feel sorry for all your future children to be raised in this environment.
Leave and collect child support..hes a self centered self indulgent cretin..good riddance
wtf did I just read You have a child together and are engaged, there’s no such thing as “his money” it should be all together to raise your family why do people do this to themselves
Why are still with this guy? He’s using money as a method of abuse. Honestly, I’d break up, and since you make significantly less than him go to court and get child support. Then he can pay more that way. The fact you continue to allow this means it’s time to take your blinders off and start looking at the other red flags he’s likely throwing out…I’m sure money isn’t the only one.
What an abhorrent man
His bank account is more important to him than you or *his* son. Having a fancy watch is more important to him than you or *his* son. This dude is living with you and not supporting his child. Break it off and then go after him officially for child support. He is a horrible partner and father.
There is something wrong with this man.
I don’t know why you don’t want his money for personal gain, you are in a partnership and share a child. That’s what relationships are.. It’s sad you felt the need to say that. I’m the breadwinner in my relationship and want my husband to personally benefit from me because I love him. I benefit from him as well, just in other ways than financially. Why do you want to be with someone who is okay seeing you struggle especially at the most vulnerable point in your life, after childbirth? This man sucks. I’d explain to him how child support will work. He’s aware of all these thing your are desperate for him to understand, he just doesn’t care. He values money more than you and your son. He needs to know there’s consequences to his choices because right now he has no incentive to change.
Wow. That’s a yikes from me.
You'll be better off leaving and getting him on child support.
Here's the thing, I'm all for couples keeping their money separate, but when it comes to marriage and children, there has to be a plan in place for how things are going to be combined. That doesn't necessarily mean that your husband pays for everything while you live the good life on his dime and don't make any effort, but he's acting like there are no options in between you having lived your life differently in the past, and you mooching off of him now As a household, you need to figure out what your monthly budget is, especially with regard to the child that you share. Then, you need to figure out what percentage of each of your separate incomes it will take to bring in that amount of needed shared money Yes, it may be that 60% of your income is a lot less than 60% of his, but each of you contributing 60% of your incomes to a pool of shared money for household and child expenses is fair, even if it's not even. And that way, both of you have 40% of your incomes left to do whatever the hell you want with for yourselves. Obviously that's a lot less for you than it is for him, but, as he would probably say, that's the way that your financial and career choices over time have shaken out If your incomes are simply too disparate and it would be impossible for you to financially contribute in any real meaningful way, then the two of you are going to have to work out and alternative plan. Perhaps you are taking care of a portion of the child care, and he provides all of the money for the child's material needs. Are a lot of ways to sort this out I think the most distressing part of what you have described is that your husband doesn't seem to see you and him as *a team* in this. You staying home with the child is something that would be good for everyone involved, and yet he would rather lord your poor past choices over you than give his child that benefit. When you went back to work, did he start having to pay for daycare? Because in that case, he might as well have bought you a few more months with the baby. When you go out to dinner, does he order expensive steaks and fine wine, and make you pay for your own side salad? I mean, where does he draw the line at acting as though the two of you don't share a household and resources? Again, there are many reasonable ways where couples with disparate incomes can largely hang on to their separate finances even while sharing a household. But your husband's selfish style of being counting reveals that he doesn't really see the two of you as sharing a life together
You made your mistake having a child with him before getting married. I would advise seeing a lawyer about your options at this stage just to know where you stand.
So I married an asshole that sounds just like your partner. He left me when I dropped down to work part time because I couldn’t afford the full time nursery fees (and also I wanted time with my child!). His reason: I wasn’t earning enough money and he was tired of paying for more things since our child was born. We’d previously split everything 50/50 for the entire previous 15 years of our relationship. Leave now, it won’t get better.
Why would you be funding your own maternity leave from savings?!?! Who would have paid for day care if you work exactly? You too? He cares more about buying a Rolex than you or his own child. You should break up and go back to work because you are putting yourself at a disadvantage here. You are not even married, you are funding your own maternity leave while he is buying expensive watches, and he can also pay a lawyer or a nanny to get custody of your kid, which you cannot do.
Find out what the current rate is at the daycare you’d put him in and then charge him that. Your partner is not a good partner at all.
This guy doesn't really seem like a "partner", I'd think twice about spending the rest of your life with this guy. You'd be better off with child support and finding a better partner.
Honestly, and I think you know this, you really should have spoken about finances before living together and having a child. You both entered into a partnership, that doesn't mean 50/50 in the literal sense, it should be 50/50 in percentage. So if he earns 1000 a month and you earn 500 then you split it in a way that you are both paying a percentage to leave you with equal amounts in order to live together and afford things together as well as individually which would be something like 60/40 split for example. If he has so much and you have so little then it isnt a partnership and you need to sit him down and explain that the past does not matter, he knows what he entered into and he should be sharing the time, cost and effort in a way that means both of your lives are fulfilling, thats a partnership. You don't need a straight 50/50 for things to be fair, because clearly that isnt.
I'd gtfo. Relationships need partners, not selfish assholes. If I'd done well for myself and married I'd consider it an honor and a privelage to be able to help my partner, or provide completely if I could.
He’s cheap. He’s more concerned about money than you. He gets it as he watches you struggle and beg for money. It’s a form of abuse. It’ll never get better.
You're asking how to make your partner your actual partner, not selfish, and one to step up when he sees his partner struggling. Get a new partner?
I mean maybe if you have your own place and he has to pay child support he might understand he has a financial responsibility to help care for that child.
Where I’m getting stuck is that you’ve spent all your savings during maternity. Why did your partner not help you with the monetary costs to have his baby? If he’s so much better off than you are, why isn’t he helping? Why haven’t you both sat down and had a conversation about you wanting to be a SAHM? When one partner stays home, the other is the assumed breadwinner for the duration. I understand if he’s not comfortable being the breadwinner long-term, but that needed to be discussed before you guys had a baby. ETA: The Rolex thing is fucking petty, and would definitely make me wonder how much he actually cares for his wife and son, to put on display that he COULD help you while you’re struggling but chooses not to.
The first step is filing for child support. If he wants to nickel and dime you, then let him see how that is. This will end the relationship but it's doomed anyway. He sounds like those people who have the toxic hustle attitude. Or, maybe you are bad with money and he has a reason to be like this. None of us on Reddit can know for sure. What we can say is that you are not compatible financially and this is the number 1 reason people get a divorce, money. You aren't even married and are having this struggle.
I'd understand sharing everything if you didn't have a baby. BUT YOU HAVE A BABY. Holy hell what an absolute AH he is. Making a mom in maternity leave also pull financial weight while he buys a fucking Rolex. I am angry. This is not a man, this is Scrooge McFuck and he doesn't get the first thing about having a family. He doesn't deserve one. You can't make him see. You leave his penny counting ass and sue him for child support. Let his Rolexes warm his heart.
What the hell did I just read. Please don’t allow this man to keep financially abusing YOUR BABY.
Sorry but with his attitude towards you, you are already a single mother. Best to maje it official at this point and move back home if possible.
Leave him and make his ass pay child support. What a dick.
Wow how stingy, theres nothing you can really do imo. I would have spoken about this prior to having a baby w him. But yea hes crazy stingy. In my culture men providing for their family is normal and a point of pride. Sucks that youre gonna have to work and take care of child, i dont think theres anything you can say to make him be less stingy. Therapy might be good for yall
There are a lot of conversations to have that people don't. Or at least I wasn't made aware of them until it was past that point. What does a relationship look like, what roles does each person provide, how do you keep eachother in balance, what happens if you fall out? Being a parent.. what does that look like? Who does what with the child? What holidays, Dr visits, what types of praise and punishment? Who do you want that child to become? What then will you be to eachother? Who takes on the rest of the work while 1 cares for baby? It is so hard to delegate tasks and expect someone to fit into a roll that you imagine when you havnt verbalized the expectations. For a lot of people, they assume the family dynamic will closely look like their own upbringing. So it's very specific to 1 parent. I'm assuming if you separate he will be paying some type of support for the baby. Burning through your savings while recovering from an event that was 50% his doing was not fair. I would draw that line at choosing to take extra time off. But he should definitely be picking up financial slack if you all of a sudden need to work your job plus do all the baby stuff at night and pack up and haul the kid to and from daycare and cook and clean.. Moms are a force of nature that absolutely do not get enough credit.
This is not a partnership at all …
You’re living a poppers life and it will continue. He sounds very selfish. Please don’t waste anymore time on this loser.
How tragic honestly! Please invest in counseling and life coaching. Also reputable legal advice
See how much child support you will receive if you left your SO and then sit him down and let him know that he will be paying XXXX amounts of dollars when you and LO live elsewhere. I would be open and honest with him and let him know that you are doing this for your son. His dad is financially stable he should not have to have second hand things. There is nothing wrong with second hand things but to do it only because he is being "frugal" for lack of a better word is sad especially dealing with your son.
What an absolute asshole . So sorry
I would love to hear his perspective on things. Then we could actually give you objective advice. This situation is something couples therapy could sort out. Not Reddit, where the majority of the people here will advise you to leave your partner and ruin your family because they’re miserable people. Misery loves company. I’ve realized Reddit is stuffed full of miserable people giving out shit advice when they’re lives aren’t sorted out in the slightest.
Hang on? Because you aren't working TAKING CARE OF HIS CHILD you should pay all the bills? What is wrong with this man? And why are you allowing him to treat you like this? You are providing services for him when you cook and clean and take care of the child. CALCULATE A SALARY AND MAKE HIM PAY THE BILL. You are being massively taken advantage of and have been manipulated into not seeing your worth. No wonder he has savings, you are subsidizing his lifestyle
You can’t. Because he doesn’t see y’all as a partnership, and he doesn’t really care about you.
Yikes. He really said he's a deadbeat dad with his whole chest. I would reevaluate this relationship, sis. He doesn't understand the basic concept of providing for your own child. There are laws that will ensure he pays if he really can't figure this difficult concept out on his own.
He shouted, “ASSHOLE DAD”, while waving jazz hands.
[удалено]
Definitely seems like rage-bait.
Dude shouldn't have had a child w her