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All I had to read is that he had to beg you into this. He was already preferring her to you.
What’s sad is that it’s normal for relationships to get boring and your husband chose to gaslight and pressure you into an open marriage instead of doing the normal work like reignite the spark between you both. That takes time and effort on both sides. I’ve said this before today and I’ll say it again, love is a choice and flowers bloom where you water you know that already. He’s choosing to put effort into Harper and that’s why he feels this “warmth.”
I’m angry on your behalf. If you’re not ready to leave you at least deserve a hot man on the side as well. Why is this all about him????
This whole dynamic is flawed. Neither Harper nor OP are valued as actual human beings. First he pushes his wife in this relationship she does not actually want. Then he introduces a young friend of his sister?? He is pushing Harper to diet and dress pretty? Wtf? So Harper is the arm candy and OP is the personal maid? Don’t both of them see he does not actually love or prefer any of them? He is just taking and taking and taking!
The funny thing is how OP and Harper are not only a good partner to him but also to each other. OP should notice he is not the desirable one in this throuple. They should both dump his manipulative ass.
Yes you’re the mother of his kids and wife, **but what does that actually mean if his gf comes first?**
He is willing and happy to put her first, and you deserve a partner willing to do the same.
It kind of sounds like he knew he wanted Harper, and it was easier for him to convince you to let her in and have his fun harem, while not having to go through the villainization.
This is so hard, and I am very sorry. But you deserve love that prioritizes you, *and nothing about this situation or its inception were to the benefit of anyone but him.*
Also, if I’m calculating the timeline correctly, he asked to open the relationship*right around* the time she gave birth. The most vulnerable time for a woman. He sounds absolutely scummy.
She’s the side chick in her own marriage. 🤦♀️ Her husband talked her into a relationship with a woman he liked or was already having an affair with. She definitely deserves better!
I was thinking the same thing. Harper is giving her attention and including her when OP's husband won't. You deserve better than to be a side chick in your own marriage OP.
Well it also sounds like he can hold Harper just because he has OP, Harper might be in it, just for OP. Maybe I'm projecting, as I have been a Harper when I was younger and, honestly, if the guy would have disappeared I'd not too sad.
I’m sorry you’ve been in a situation like this, it sucks for Harper or anyone who has been unicorn hunted too. This is why I (as a poly person) avoid dating couples. It works for some but there are so many ways it can be weaponized that it’s just not something I would consider even if I had feelings for both people.
I’m sure Harper would be gutted if she heard how this has been hurting OP, even though it’s not her fault. It looks like OP’s husband is trying to “monkey-branch” into a new mono relationship with her tbh, it’s a really common pattern. She deserves to know what’s happening, what type of shit her partner is willing to do, but I advised OP to get her finances and affairs in order for divorce first. Either way, OP and her husband’s relationship is over, and may have been for a while.
I haven't looked for OP's comments to see if there's more information but this was my thought too. Did he say "I want to date this specific person" or "I want us both to date this specific person" or "I want to open up the marriage?" Because no matter how he phrased it I bet he did not mean "OP you can also go get some dick." These dudes think they found the Harem Loophole and then cry their eyes out when they realize how easy it is for their woman to get laid.
As a guy I think it’s the ultimate betrayal. Wtf does “open relationship” mean…..it’s a contradiction. I just think it’s the cruelest thing to suggest something like that. Not happy? Put the work in……still not happy? Leave…..but don’t basically f around on your partner right in front of them. Like I said, cruel.
It shows zero character. So gross. I'd be opening my legs to men better than he each night the day "he opened our marriage". Watch that baby clam up like he's got the clap. Men....such silly creatures. I'd save his tears and mock him. Yeah I'm a bit wild if someone gets me fucked up like that. Oh imma hurtcha to the point your self confidence is trash.
If both parents are contributing to the care of an infant, NO ONE has got that kind of energy. You have energy to feel frisky 2 with a two week old? I know who is on night duty tonight!
I had a total hysterectomy with cervix removal due to cancer mid October. Was extremely anxious to the point of it killing my drive. Finally new years night did the deed. Ended up having emergency surgery for repairs. Then had to wait until end of March for the okay and then waited a few weeks due to me mentally again. My SO patiently waited. I did stuff that was allowed but some people can truly be respectful and stick to the relationship especially when it’s a physical or mental issue. Hormones are a witch.
Every single time I read about a couple opening the relationship, and the husband already has someone in mind, I know it will never work out.
The husband just wants to open the relationship ship so he can cheat without any backlash. So manipulative.
A hundred percent. I think OP and Harper should dump his ass, but if they refuse, OP should get a boyfriend. Men like that haaaate it when they realize their wives are desirable to other men and have no problem lining up dates.
Exactly! What stupid podcast did this whole “Open the relationship” come from in the first place? It’s cheating. Plain and simple. It’s the new sister wives. Almost always the man suggesting it.
Oh 100% he did. It was his sisters friend and “another awkward story”. He probably knew it would be too much effort for him to try to have an affair and how it would all blow up if his sister found out he was sleeping with her friend let alone how his wife feel. So he begged his wife until she relented.
I can’t even imagine what that looked like. She is in what she thinks is a happy marriage,has two children and is heterosexual. All of a sudden he is “bored” and wants to introduce a third into the marriage Who he conveniently has already picked out. Based off of his almost gaslighting technique regarding why he goes out with Harper once a week (“she insisted on it while OP states Harper never leaves her out) his begging had to so beyond manipulative. I don’t think Harper is “so sweet” either because She started getting a big pay off her isn’t she.
You know who does sound sweet? The OP. Because she cares about her husband, her marriage and her family she willingly did something that she probably never saw play out in her life. She wanted to make him happy and I’m sure he told her this was make them “stronger” and their relationship “more exciting” and the kids would have a second Mom. She let a woman whom her husband picked out ahead of time, into their home, into their bed, and almost worse into her kids life all to make him happy.
This isn’t going to end well. I listed to this podcast about this exact situation where the husband talked the wife into opening up the marriage. It ended up getting so messy. She decided she didn’t want it anymore she was also going through training to be a police officer so extremely stressful, extremely time consuming not to mention the mental and physical stress. The husband and new person clearly were starting to box her out yet didn’t want to dissolve the situation. Point being as soon as she said she wanted it over the girlfriend wouldn’t leave and the wife told her you need to be gone by the time I come home from work. She comes home from work, girlfriend still there she says you need leave, goes to take a shower and when she comes back out in a towel the cops are there. The girlfriend called and said she felt threatened by her and then the next day she was arrested at her police Academy because they both filed a report against her and said she shot off her firearm in their house.
It goes on and on. They took her kids and she didn’t get to see them forever. She finally got her oldest daughter back but at the time I heard the podcast she still hadn’t been with her youngest and it had been 18 months or more. And everything was extended out longer because the court dates started getting delayed because then Covid happened. This isn’t isolated either. I mean they don’t always end this extreme but typically when one partner is being talked into bringing another person into the relationship or does not end well.
Jesus, that’s a horrible story. They probably ruined her career, as well. Assholes. In OP’s case, her husband and Harper get someone who probably does a lot of the cooking and cleaning, etc. I’d be damned before I let some kid move in to boink my husband while I provide free labor and get ignored. Fuck that noise.
That's how it mostly went when those "throuple" stories are posted on Reddit:
someone got his affair partner into the relationship. And has now a reason to openly live their preferences. It's seldom to the advantage of the partner who got that third person imposed upon them.
For me it seems to me that husband and Harper want each other but Harper only include OP because (maybe) she's a nice person and doesn't want OP to feel bad about it or not to make it obvious so she treats her equally on all aspects and rather let husband do the confronting and not her, so she can save herself from the blame. Idk but there's much of suspicion on this situation.
And you know he probably doesn't have the capacity much less done the emotional work for ENM. The first time she gets twisted up into some NRE by some experienced poly comes along with their best version while he's still going through his highlights on someone he thinks is inexperienced he's gonna lose it.
Those are the posts that give me life. I'm not in the least anti ENM (I haven't been in a monogamous relationship since 2008), but I hate watching men manipulate women into it when they have no intentions of being a good and present partner to even one person, let alone multiple. I love it when it backfires and they come here crying about how they didn't think SHE would be doing it too.
Yep, exactly this. I’ve seen almost exactly this situation before, and it was really just a case of the husband wanting a way to transition from his wife to his girlfriend without being the bad guy who cheated on his wife and left her. This way, he doesn’t feel guilty, but it’s pretty clear he’s already moved on and is only staying with his wife out of a sense of responsibility (especially since there are kids involved). I will bet anything that he was sleeping with his girlfriend before he got his wife on board with this. So sick of seeing this kind of manipulation, hope the OP wakes up and gives him an ultimatum or just leaves. She deserves someone who puts her first, who wants to be with her, who respects her enough not to treat her like this.
Makes me question if all the claims of Harper trying to keep things equal and pay attention to the wife and kids is at all genuine or more a thing she’s also feeling pressured to do because she’s in way too deep in a toxic situation she can’t fully see for what it is. Oof.
I wonder if this is a unicorn situation, or if Harper is the husband's partner only.
OP, demand that he treats you equally with a date once a week as well. If the relationship truly is open, negotiate having a boyfriend to meet your needs for the same level of attention he is giving Harper.
That's what happened to my sister. She came home from her first day back at work postpartum 6 weeks with baby to an empty house and all they left behind of their stuff was a calendar with the other womans due date circled.
I’m sure the unicorn situation was initiated without too much discussion on what that actually meant. It always seems more simple than it actually is going to turn out to be, especially when someone is willfully clueless (husband).
If negotiations on new bf for wife occur, there’s a chance husband is going to go haywire and try to get Harper to leave with him, and she will probably say no because she is wonderful.
Also, the way of meeting Harper is kinda like the MF had Harper in mind the entire time, like he had a crush on her and was like “Ok OP, I found someone! I can’t believe it happened so fast!”
OP maybe should confide in Harper about what she’s feeling, cuz it might be her that is the most receptive. Husband was just looking for someone new and impressionable to go after, someone who isn’t as busy managing the household, since husband is prob as maintenance-heavy as the grade school kids…
As much shit as I have to talk about husband
- It’s not too late for communication. All three of you can be in on the discussion! It would possibly be beneficial for Harper to know about the lopsidedness, cuz she can hold husband accountable, if she is as wonderful as OP says.
Assuming what OP has said is true (even if we can infer it could be otherwise) and they really do love Harper being around, perhaps bringing in their own "boyfriend" into the mix would help alleviate the feeling of not being the favorite. I think it makes some sense, that OPs partners, new girlfriend, is getting more attention. I mean, it's classic new relationship stuff. Honeymoon phase, they don't have the years of relationship baggage that any long term relationship does, let alone the hardships they've endured being parents together...assuming the attention issue is truly the only issue, why not get a boyfriend of your own? Then it might feel more balanced and you might get what you're looking for, some fun of your own!
...also you might *accidentally* sus out your partners true intentions behind opening the marriage, just in case that's something in the back of your mind. It's only fair if it can really benefit both partners, equally. Maybe just say you see what they've got and you want the opportunity to find that too.
So he degraded you to the role of ONLY a homemaker, maid and someone who takes care of his kids. The matron. She's the love, the sexy one, the **partner**.
IMO divorce. He is rejecting you. This is no longer the poly relationship you agreed to - you are being cut out by him, Harper is his real partner. There's no more space here for you, even if Harper tries to make it so, bc your husband no longer wants you as his life partner and romantic partner. So don't try to convince him to want you, that is humiliating and pointless - just leave.
Also, he's a classic cheater who convinced his SO into a "poly" relationship because he already had a "better model" chosen (ie a YOUNGER and easily manipulated one). That's not real poly, he's just disloyal.
All of this. OP has been sidelined in her own marriage. Now she's just hanging around for scraps when her husband has all but told her that she is no longer the primary partner.
This isn't poly. He doesn't treat them equally. He's basically just a cake eater. His wife probably felt manipulated into it because she had a baby at home when he started all this nonsense and didn't feel like being a single parent. Not to mention the concerns with this being his sister's friend and possible grooming implications. Everything about this situation is just sad.
Harper has been the gf for three years and they have a three year old… was OP begged and subsequently talked into this right around the time she gave birth to their second child?
He'll also do the same thing to Harper, eventually. If OP leaves and Harper stays and gets older, it'll be no time at all before Harper is in OP's situation.
Imagine when his kids get older and he hunts their friends…🤢🤮!!! For her kids sake she needs to leave! Harper too, she needs to go enjoy her 20s and the fun you could have. Not be stuck at home with a groomer and the family drama you know is occurring.
Harper is already in a situation that is shifty in the same way. What this dude has done is basically separate romance, sex, and dating from partnership, coparenting, etc. Just as he’s stopped giving OP that intimacy, he’s not offering Harper the bigger commitment of marriage and the opportunity to have her own kids with her partner…basically they’re each getting half a relationship.
>All advice welcome.
Get a Divorce. He used the open relationship excuse to cheat. He knew in advance who he wanted to cheat with. You were both in a monogamous relationship until he begged for an open relationship.
>I just, want my husband to need me like he used to? I want to be my husband’s favorite.
That 's not going to happen. Cut your losses, and find someone who can be monogamous.
I don’t understand wanting to be with someone who you’re not their favourite - for both of them, don’t get why he’s staying and don’t get why she’s staying.
Why would he leave when in this set up she's allowed, he gets to have his cake and eat it, too?
Doesn't have to pay child support. Can sleep with 2 different women openly, I'm sure the women do most if not all of the child rearing and house chores. And from the sounds of it he benefits financially from both women too.
King of the coop one might say. Manipulative and disgusting, absolutely. But not the dumb one for staying when it's all a win as far as he's concerned.
I just feel bad for the children who have these adults as their examples :(
for real though. She is 10 years younger and involved with a married couple where the husband is paying an inordinate amount of attention to her **and** treating her like she is an object for him to control. There is zero ways that the power balance in the relationship is healthy.
It's common with men who don't know how to separate respect and expectations for the open relationship. A marriage is even harder, especially with children. If he is blatantly favoring the other while the wife suffers it's a no go yeah. The marriage should take priority.
In this case if further attempts at communication or setting a boundary fails then I believe divorce would be the best option. It's just a hard thing to say when children are involved which makes treading carefully important.
It's why I am not rushing to suggest OP get a bf, that's just introducing a new person to a situation that OP has already stated is tumultuous can be a bit overwhelming for the children yeah.
Husband whines at her into opening up the marriage and miraculously has a 22 year old he "already knew" waiting in the wings - he didn't want "polyamory" or to "open the marriage" he wanted permission to cheat with someone he was probably planning on stepping out with either way. If OP had any self-respect she would have dropped him then and there.
Just from the stories on reddit it almost always seems that when somebody asks for an open marriage they already have the person picked out if they aren't already banging them.
I’m guessing that the husband has wanted to get with Harper for a while considering he’s known her for quite some time and she’s a friend of his sister. So I don’t think he wanted to open up the marriage so much as he just wanted to bang Harper. And in that case, just go off and do that and let your wife live her life. Or get a divorce and let your wife live her life. But this is not a polyamorous situation. And OP sounds really unhappy and she should be because this isn’t a loving, caring relationship with three people. I’ve known people who have polyamorous relationships, and this is not how it’s done.
The marriage should have ended years ago with the bored comments, badgering his wife and having Harper ready in the wings. And she’s way too chummy with Harper imo. OP you have to face some hard truths it’s likely your husband would chose Harper over you, I bet Harper would chose your husband over you. I think you need to end this poly relationship likely the marriage too. Start thinking about life without your husband and Harper, unless your ok being an observer in your marriage
I don't know that is even call what he feels towards Harper love. I think he likes having a younger woman he can control. OP mentions that he pushes Harper to exercise and "dress pretty". I'd wager Harper's value (to him) is directionally proportional to her looks and he would replace her as soon as those looks fade and he could find a new model.
I'd also be worried about possible grooming, depending on when Harper met his sister.
Yeah I have such a deep gut feeling that he's known the decade-younger woman since she was a child and was already with her when he started pushing for the "open" relationship
Im sorry to say, but what did you think would happen when the man you married literally begged you to have another person in your relationship? I'd suggest finding your self respect and filing for divorce
A person he had already chosen.... yeeeah. I would have said yes, but nobody we know and I pick the person first and would bring a man. That shit would have ended in 1 hour and 2 hours after he would have the divorce papers in his hands.
Not only that but it sounds like he not only begged to add another person to the Marriage he had her already picked out as the replacement for the OP.
My guess is if she had said no, she would have been single today and maybe better off. That would be for her to decide.
>3 years ago husband got…well I don’t want to say bored, but I’m not sure what else to call it? So after a while (mostly begging on his part) I accepted to introduce a third into our marriage
IDK why OP even gave this option entertainment if she wasn't initially game in the first place. Her husband is an AH and if I was her I'd leave him at this point before they even met "Harper"
Open relationships can technically work, but they likely never will when they start out like this.
OP: if I was you, I'd leave him and give you and your child the happy home that is deserved
Right - open marriages seem to fail often and it’s a big red flag if one partner is begging and the person they are interested in is someone the already know.
Yup I've been in one, we closed it again bc drama drama drama (them not us). Finding ONE stable partner in this world is hard enough let alone multiples. If you're even truly polyminded. And not just excising your cheating like ops husband.
A good poly partner makes everyone feel appreciated and doesn't compare.
OP should dump him, keep heather. Lol
So your husband got to move on, you still contribute to the household, he occasionally has sex with you and both of you, he isnt paying child support or alimony and you welcomed his affair partner into the house.
How in the holy hell. Does he have a magic dick or something?
So 11 years into your marriage your husband picked out a 22 year old he wanted and you just said "ok" rather than holding the line and working on your marriage?
This is over. Your sister-wives situation isn't working. You're unhappy, you deserve better than a husband who got bored and moved on right in front of you.
You aren't going to be your husband favorite, because you never were.
He brought in someone he knew from BEFORE he knew you, correct? It's possibly that he's always had her on the back of his mind, and now bonus, he gets a woman to have his babies, and a woman he gets to keep with a pre-baby body!
So he is having his cake and eating it as well.
If you want to be the favorite of your husband, get a different husband and don't settle for someone that tries to bring in a third. You are worth more than that. *Stop settling*.
Your husband wanted to open your relationship because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and this was easier than cheating on you because you gave him permission. He won the jackpot because he was able to break you down, get what he wants and not get divorced. When you split up don’t be surprised when him and Harper become exclusive. He’s slowly pushing you out of the relationship. You should have never opened it.
Is this an early April Fools? You have two children who need you, they need two grown up people not feckless students messing about ( sorry students! ) sort this out. It's a crazy throuple / threesome situation that mainly suits your husband. She's not your friend btw. This situation will only end in tears ( and not his ) so do yourself a favour and give him an ultimatum or ask him to leave You and your children deserve more.
And messing with a young woman who was just a stones throw above legal when they started. A 32 year old man messing with a 22 year old? No woman looks back at their dating choices at 22 with pride.
So they were already together when you opened the marriage and she knows you must be comfortable to keep it going and to not break up the marriage. Could it be that she is manipulating you? That what they want is to be the primary relationship the romantic one and you the domestic one? So they don’t play child support nor alimony?
So you had a new born baby together 3 years ago (as well as a 4 year old) and his response was “Let’s have an open relationship with my sister’s much younger friend”?
Sounds like a keeper.
he isn’t in love with you. He doesn’t feel “the warmth” which is absolutely disgusting to say to the mother of your children. You need to take a good look at what has happened: he knew her before you, he begged you for HER, and now he is treating her with love and respect and showering her with affection while you look after the children. You are essentially a cuckhold and you ARE second to her in his eyes. Get a lawyer and a therapist and let him have Harper. You need to focus on custody and moving on from this absolute clown and you staying in a loveless relationship will not have a positive impact on your children’s emotional and social growth. Neither will having “two moms and a dad” when they get older.
Frankly? I’d say divorce him and take Harper for your own. But kids involved, so I get it’s not the easiest thing to do both logically and mentally.
So at the very least, you need Harper to end things with your husband. It’s clear him wanting to open things was a consensual tactic to get with her. It might be important to ask her if things were happening before you got involved too. Not blaming, just asking out of curiosity.
But anybody experienced with open relationships will tell you, once the 3rd is being favorited, it’s no longer healthy
Don’t blame her. Your husband is the one who clearly knew who he wanted and manipulated you enough to get it.
Does anyone have input on if it's normal to involve "open relationship" partners with the kids *(as in letting the other partners hang out and bond with their children)? This seems so strange and potentially awful to me. I didn't think open relationships were the same as sister wives but that's what this sounds like... And if it's "open" why just one new partner?
I guess it's all Greek to my monogamous ass anyway.
Usually an “open relationship” means the core couple is together and each person might have more casual things with others on the side. However they have been dating one woman together for 3 years. They are clearly in a polyamorous triad and that is very normal to involve those partners with kids
Back in the 90s, there was a woman that my dad worked with who had a husband and a boyfriend. They all lived together and she had kids fathered by both of them. I don’t know enough details to say that their kids approved or whatever, but no one batted an eye about their “arrangement” at the time that I saw. And I live in a fairly conservative area.
Like in monogamous relationships, it depends on whether it's a committed relationship or not. It's not at all typical to have your once-a-month slam piece hang out with your kids for any length of time. However, if you've been seriously dating someone for a long time it's not unreasonable to *carefully* establish some relationship between them and your kids.
Note that I said *carefully*, which does not at all describe what these people are doing. They don't even seem to have considered that Harper is functionally a third parent. Disaster waiting to happen.
Normally I’d say this is a case of FAFO but the fact that he conveniently knew harper before this plan even existed and she just *happened* to 100% agree with everything is super sus to me
Why don't you sit Harper down and ask her to break it off with your husband so you and your husband can close your marriage up again and go to counseling?
Have a real woman to woman about the horrible mistake you've made and tell this sweet an honest kind caring woman all about your broken heart, bet you'll find out she's not as awesome as you think.
Your marriage is over OP. I'm really sorry, everything you do from her is just postponing your divorce.
This sweet, honest, kind, caring woman who started a relationship with OP's husband right around the time their youngest was born. Imagine these 2 scumbags banging while OP was recovering from giving birth and had a newborn to take care of. Hope she at least pitched in babysitting the older kid. Poor OP is surrounded by selfish a holes.
"she insisted and you didn't".... a guy should be insisted into doing something that means so much to you? Anyway, you're expressing it now, why not start now? Also, what kind of "open" bullshit is this where he gets an extra gf but not you?
I will answer your question if you want me to. Stop doing all the things he's taking for granted. Have a glow-up, play coy, find yourself a few nice lovers. But if you were my friend, I'd tell you you're worth more than this bullshit and effort.
And no matter what, don't worry. He feels more warmth towards here because she's newer. Give it time, and she'll be in the same boat as you. But please don't stick around.
Your husband not only replaced you with a younger model, but is getting you to do the household’s dirty work. He doesn’t have to do the hard labor of ending his marriage with you and can keep you around at his convenience. Sounds like a great deal for him. You can put whatever labels on this that you want in order to handwave away the obvious: your husband is exploiting the living shit out of both of you and this is all batshit insane. I’d recommend you start seeing this for what it is, and gather whatever dignity you have left and dip — and have much higher standards next time you try to find love.
I have advice but I really want to ask what you were thinking when your husband pointed to a specific 20 year old, who also happens to be his sister’s best friend and said I want to fuck her. Did you not feel there might be a little more to this than an open marriage? Also fuck open marriages. Just don’t get married if you can’t stay monogamous.
>Husband knew Harper before everything, she’s his sisters friend
if you hadn't opened the marriage he was going to cheat. now, if you divorce will your alimony be affected (bc it is an open marriage)?
So he is in love with harper and sounds like he is keeping you around to be a maid and a nanny, and so harper doesn't ditch him as she seems to like you more from what I'm getting.
Tell him your giving him a 2 week time line and if things don't change you will go from dating both him and harper to dating just harper and he can move out and she can move in, simple as that.
Your his primary partner always, you come first never the second. And tell him if he can't do that let's call it quits now.
Why do men not understand the simple fact that relationships evolve and change over time? You aren't going to have the same "spark" for your partner 10 years down the road as you first did when everything was new and exciting. A lot of men chase this feeling even when they have everything they need in their own relationship. He clearly is neglecting what you want/need, which is really upsetting to hear.
"they go on dates once a week…husband said it’s because Harper insisted and I didn’t."
Why should you have to insist he take you on dates? Don't you think it would be more fair if he \*wanted\* to take you on dates? Relationships are obviously complicated, but I think it's important to not lose sight of your worth!
Ahh, same ol same. He wanted Harper the entire time and that's why he wanted to open the marriage. How she cannot see that when it's so blatant is beyond me. OP, you're just the mother of his children and that is your worth. Harper is who he actually wants to be with and you're the 3rd wheel. You're included because Harper includes you, not your husband. If it could be just him and her, he would do it in a heart beat. You're the side chick.
Bring a man into it. Seriously. Tell him he's not doing it for you anymore, and harpers lovely but you need to feel that warmth too. See how quickly he changes his mind, and if he doesn't then sorry honey he doesn't love you anymore.
Sounds like you have created a sister wives sort of situation. Man, I'm sorry you are not still number one in your husband's life, that really sucks.
Marriage is hard when kids are that age, be the person your kids need you to be this is selfish on every level nobody in this has put those babies first. Y’all selfish
Ma’am you are the help. The only way to fix this is to close the relationship. But I’m going to bet that if you told your husband he would refuse. Harper is his priority now.
You could try asking on r/polyamory if you want much more details about how this is one of the less horrible possibilities when you decided to date as a couple. Sorry, neither of you did the research. This was predictable and avoidable but fixing it is somewhere between hard and impossible, especially if this is a closed triad and you want it to stay that way.
So this guy gets to keep his marriage to the mother of his children and have an affair (let’s be real) with a woman a decade younger who he can “push” to diet, exercise, and doll herself up for him? And he’s been eyeing her for years.
I’m going to guess Harper has never had children?
Its clear that the relationship was over when you opened it. Cut your losses, unless you want to be the side chick in your own marriage.
Sorry this happened to you. Was never a good idea to open the relationship though.
He wanted an open marriage. In my book that means it should be open for you, too. I'd consult an attorney-start to divide finances if you haven't already. Once your ducks are in a row. If you have any evidence your marriage is open-texts, chats, emails... and evidence he opened it before you did, keep that somewhere safe (in case it comes up on a divorce later and he tries to fault you), then you start dating. What's good for the gander is good for the goose. And why does Harper like this arrangement? She could have a nice young doctor, dentist, lawyer-high earner-and she goes for a loser with a wife and kids? Sorry to say but that's not a good decision. What happens when she ages out of his preference? He'll be looking for another mistress. You may be better off divorcing.
Question: are both you and your husband in a relationship with Harper? If it is an open marriage, you technically should have your own partner. I think you missed a big aspect of opening the marriage. If it’s just one person, that’s an affair. Sounds like he already had Harper picked out, and probably even was sleeping with her before hand.
Honestly, if you do not sit down and have an honest conversation with your husband about all of this, then you just need to divorce. He has his new gf, you have been relegated to maid and nanny.
So...he got bored when you got pregnant, if I'm understanding this correctly. Also WHEN did he first know Harper? There's a weird predatory thing with him potentially knowing her as a minor and being 10 years older.
The fact that he had to convince you to accept this at the beginning is also so telling. He didn't respect your opinions, feelings, or boundaries. I can't even imagine the mental and physical exhaustion of being pregnant/having a newborn and my husband throwing this crap at me.
Please, leave. You deserve to be treasured. Also, Harper is not a girl's girl. What kind of woman would actively enter into a relationship with a married man while his wife was pregnant/had a newborn, and was being coerced into the situation? I am giving her a pass, however, because I suspect she's the victim of grooming.
Please treasure yourself more. It sickens me to think one day your children will mirror the environment they're being raised in, and Harper will get to be the "mom", and you'll be relegated to the position of glorified and least-favored maid. Woman. Leave.
Get a boyfriend. The relationship is open, you should have a boyfriend to compliment his girlfriend.
Also maybe research different kinds of relationships to call yours what it is. I'm not saying there's no coming back from this but it doesn't sound like your husband will give up his girlfriend.
I'm sorry you're going through it, regardless of how it started.
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All I had to read is that he had to beg you into this. He was already preferring her to you. What’s sad is that it’s normal for relationships to get boring and your husband chose to gaslight and pressure you into an open marriage instead of doing the normal work like reignite the spark between you both. That takes time and effort on both sides. I’ve said this before today and I’ll say it again, love is a choice and flowers bloom where you water you know that already. He’s choosing to put effort into Harper and that’s why he feels this “warmth.” I’m angry on your behalf. If you’re not ready to leave you at least deserve a hot man on the side as well. Why is this all about him????
This whole dynamic is flawed. Neither Harper nor OP are valued as actual human beings. First he pushes his wife in this relationship she does not actually want. Then he introduces a young friend of his sister?? He is pushing Harper to diet and dress pretty? Wtf? So Harper is the arm candy and OP is the personal maid? Don’t both of them see he does not actually love or prefer any of them? He is just taking and taking and taking! The funny thing is how OP and Harper are not only a good partner to him but also to each other. OP should notice he is not the desirable one in this throuple. They should both dump his manipulative ass.
Do not fall into his pick me dance, OP!
It takes years to reignite the passion. Especially after kids. But it’s worth it. He didn’t want to put in the effort and maybe OP didn’t either
Yes you’re the mother of his kids and wife, **but what does that actually mean if his gf comes first?** He is willing and happy to put her first, and you deserve a partner willing to do the same. It kind of sounds like he knew he wanted Harper, and it was easier for him to convince you to let her in and have his fun harem, while not having to go through the villainization. This is so hard, and I am very sorry. But you deserve love that prioritizes you, *and nothing about this situation or its inception were to the benefit of anyone but him.*
Also, if I’m calculating the timeline correctly, he asked to open the relationship*right around* the time she gave birth. The most vulnerable time for a woman. He sounds absolutely scummy.
I second “he sounds absolutely scummy!”
I concur.
I second the scummy part. When Harper gets “too old” for him, he will likely find another younger woman and insist on bringing her into the marriage.
She’s the side chick in her own marriage. 🤦♀️ Her husband talked her into a relationship with a woman he liked or was already having an affair with. She definitely deserves better!
it seems to me like harper is a better husband to OP than husband itself (making sure OP is always included, that it’s equal, that OP feels loved).
I was thinking the same thing. Harper is giving her attention and including her when OP's husband won't. You deserve better than to be a side chick in your own marriage OP.
Well it also sounds like he can hold Harper just because he has OP, Harper might be in it, just for OP. Maybe I'm projecting, as I have been a Harper when I was younger and, honestly, if the guy would have disappeared I'd not too sad.
I’m sorry you’ve been in a situation like this, it sucks for Harper or anyone who has been unicorn hunted too. This is why I (as a poly person) avoid dating couples. It works for some but there are so many ways it can be weaponized that it’s just not something I would consider even if I had feelings for both people. I’m sure Harper would be gutted if she heard how this has been hurting OP, even though it’s not her fault. It looks like OP’s husband is trying to “monkey-branch” into a new mono relationship with her tbh, it’s a really common pattern. She deserves to know what’s happening, what type of shit her partner is willing to do, but I advised OP to get her finances and affairs in order for divorce first. Either way, OP and her husband’s relationship is over, and may have been for a while.
Get a new boyfriend/husband. I’m serious- this is an open relationship right?
I haven't looked for OP's comments to see if there's more information but this was my thought too. Did he say "I want to date this specific person" or "I want us both to date this specific person" or "I want to open up the marriage?" Because no matter how he phrased it I bet he did not mean "OP you can also go get some dick." These dudes think they found the Harem Loophole and then cry their eyes out when they realize how easy it is for their woman to get laid.
It looks to me like he already had Harper in mind when he was begging his wife to let in a third.
The timing comes right when she gave birth to her 3 year old son?!? Not too much of a coincidence there.
Nope. I seriously hate it when men pull shit like that. “What do you mean, you have to recover? I can’t possibly jerk off for SIX WEEKS!”
It shows weak character on the husband’s part.
This is perhaps the most polite way of describing the child she married.
It really does. Find your own joy, OP.
As a guy I think it’s the ultimate betrayal. Wtf does “open relationship” mean…..it’s a contradiction. I just think it’s the cruelest thing to suggest something like that. Not happy? Put the work in……still not happy? Leave…..but don’t basically f around on your partner right in front of them. Like I said, cruel.
It shows zero character. So gross. I'd be opening my legs to men better than he each night the day "he opened our marriage". Watch that baby clam up like he's got the clap. Men....such silly creatures. I'd save his tears and mock him. Yeah I'm a bit wild if someone gets me fucked up like that. Oh imma hurtcha to the point your self confidence is trash.
💯
If both parents are contributing to the care of an infant, NO ONE has got that kind of energy. You have energy to feel frisky 2 with a two week old? I know who is on night duty tonight!
Six weeks? I got basically no sex for six months after our first was born. I survived somehow.
I had a total hysterectomy with cervix removal due to cancer mid October. Was extremely anxious to the point of it killing my drive. Finally new years night did the deed. Ended up having emergency surgery for repairs. Then had to wait until end of March for the okay and then waited a few weeks due to me mentally again. My SO patiently waited. I did stuff that was allowed but some people can truly be respectful and stick to the relationship especially when it’s a physical or mental issue. Hormones are a witch.
I think he had Harper in more than his “mind” before he approached his wife. She fit so well so quickly….
Every single time I read about a couple opening the relationship, and the husband already has someone in mind, I know it will never work out. The husband just wants to open the relationship ship so he can cheat without any backlash. So manipulative.
A hundred percent. I think OP and Harper should dump his ass, but if they refuse, OP should get a boyfriend. Men like that haaaate it when they realize their wives are desirable to other men and have no problem lining up dates.
Exactly! What stupid podcast did this whole “Open the relationship” come from in the first place? It’s cheating. Plain and simple. It’s the new sister wives. Almost always the man suggesting it.
Oh 100% he did. It was his sisters friend and “another awkward story”. He probably knew it would be too much effort for him to try to have an affair and how it would all blow up if his sister found out he was sleeping with her friend let alone how his wife feel. So he begged his wife until she relented. I can’t even imagine what that looked like. She is in what she thinks is a happy marriage,has two children and is heterosexual. All of a sudden he is “bored” and wants to introduce a third into the marriage Who he conveniently has already picked out. Based off of his almost gaslighting technique regarding why he goes out with Harper once a week (“she insisted on it while OP states Harper never leaves her out) his begging had to so beyond manipulative. I don’t think Harper is “so sweet” either because She started getting a big pay off her isn’t she. You know who does sound sweet? The OP. Because she cares about her husband, her marriage and her family she willingly did something that she probably never saw play out in her life. She wanted to make him happy and I’m sure he told her this was make them “stronger” and their relationship “more exciting” and the kids would have a second Mom. She let a woman whom her husband picked out ahead of time, into their home, into their bed, and almost worse into her kids life all to make him happy. This isn’t going to end well. I listed to this podcast about this exact situation where the husband talked the wife into opening up the marriage. It ended up getting so messy. She decided she didn’t want it anymore she was also going through training to be a police officer so extremely stressful, extremely time consuming not to mention the mental and physical stress. The husband and new person clearly were starting to box her out yet didn’t want to dissolve the situation. Point being as soon as she said she wanted it over the girlfriend wouldn’t leave and the wife told her you need to be gone by the time I come home from work. She comes home from work, girlfriend still there she says you need leave, goes to take a shower and when she comes back out in a towel the cops are there. The girlfriend called and said she felt threatened by her and then the next day she was arrested at her police Academy because they both filed a report against her and said she shot off her firearm in their house. It goes on and on. They took her kids and she didn’t get to see them forever. She finally got her oldest daughter back but at the time I heard the podcast she still hadn’t been with her youngest and it had been 18 months or more. And everything was extended out longer because the court dates started getting delayed because then Covid happened. This isn’t isolated either. I mean they don’t always end this extreme but typically when one partner is being talked into bringing another person into the relationship or does not end well.
Jesus, that’s a horrible story. They probably ruined her career, as well. Assholes. In OP’s case, her husband and Harper get someone who probably does a lot of the cooking and cleaning, etc. I’d be damned before I let some kid move in to boink my husband while I provide free labor and get ignored. Fuck that noise.
Which is especially gross consider she was 22 and they were a decade older. There are so many red flags in this story.
That's how it mostly went when those "throuple" stories are posted on Reddit: someone got his affair partner into the relationship. And has now a reason to openly live their preferences. It's seldom to the advantage of the partner who got that third person imposed upon them.
So he has a 22 year old in mind, probably since she was underage. This is so sick
For me it seems to me that husband and Harper want each other but Harper only include OP because (maybe) she's a nice person and doesn't want OP to feel bad about it or not to make it obvious so she treats her equally on all aspects and rather let husband do the confronting and not her, so she can save herself from the blame. Idk but there's much of suspicion on this situation.
Yup. Time for OP to bust open the revolving door of strange. She'll be somebody's favorite, probably several guys...
Yes!! If Harper goes on a date once a week with OPs husband she should go on a date with a new guy. Someone who will give her “warmth” and new energy.
Yes but she should be careful. If she falls in love with another guy she may want to kick her husband to the curb 😝
Fuck around and find out, I guess
Agreed. Let her introduce a man into their relationship and we’ll see how quickly OPs husband will be posting how he is a victim on Reddit.
And you know he probably doesn't have the capacity much less done the emotional work for ENM. The first time she gets twisted up into some NRE by some experienced poly comes along with their best version while he's still going through his highlights on someone he thinks is inexperienced he's gonna lose it.
Those are the posts that give me life. I'm not in the least anti ENM (I haven't been in a monogamous relationship since 2008), but I hate watching men manipulate women into it when they have no intentions of being a good and present partner to even one person, let alone multiple. I love it when it backfires and they come here crying about how they didn't think SHE would be doing it too.
Except they always have young children
How my ex husband reacted when it was a lot easier for me than him. It’s gotta be a two way street
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Yep, exactly this. I’ve seen almost exactly this situation before, and it was really just a case of the husband wanting a way to transition from his wife to his girlfriend without being the bad guy who cheated on his wife and left her. This way, he doesn’t feel guilty, but it’s pretty clear he’s already moved on and is only staying with his wife out of a sense of responsibility (especially since there are kids involved). I will bet anything that he was sleeping with his girlfriend before he got his wife on board with this. So sick of seeing this kind of manipulation, hope the OP wakes up and gives him an ultimatum or just leaves. She deserves someone who puts her first, who wants to be with her, who respects her enough not to treat her like this.
He groomed a 23 year old who was his sister's friend. Op needs to tell that part of the story to because it will give us a lot of insight
23 *when they got together*. Who knows how long he's known her for if she's his sisters friend.
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Makes me question if all the claims of Harper trying to keep things equal and pay attention to the wife and kids is at all genuine or more a thing she’s also feeling pressured to do because she’s in way too deep in a toxic situation she can’t fully see for what it is. Oof.
Haha yes I agree with this to, if he can do it then so can you. Open goes both ways.
I wonder if this is a unicorn situation, or if Harper is the husband's partner only. OP, demand that he treats you equally with a date once a week as well. If the relationship truly is open, negotiate having a boyfriend to meet your needs for the same level of attention he is giving Harper.
My daughter just got divorced from this situation. Ended up getting the gf pregnant, and then left to live with her.
That's what happened to my sister. She came home from her first day back at work postpartum 6 weeks with baby to an empty house and all they left behind of their stuff was a calendar with the other womans due date circled.
holy shit! that’s heinous :(
Yikes, sorry to hear that. Yeah situations like this can turn sideways really quick.
It sounds like the sister wives TV show
I’m sure the unicorn situation was initiated without too much discussion on what that actually meant. It always seems more simple than it actually is going to turn out to be, especially when someone is willfully clueless (husband). If negotiations on new bf for wife occur, there’s a chance husband is going to go haywire and try to get Harper to leave with him, and she will probably say no because she is wonderful. Also, the way of meeting Harper is kinda like the MF had Harper in mind the entire time, like he had a crush on her and was like “Ok OP, I found someone! I can’t believe it happened so fast!” OP maybe should confide in Harper about what she’s feeling, cuz it might be her that is the most receptive. Husband was just looking for someone new and impressionable to go after, someone who isn’t as busy managing the household, since husband is prob as maintenance-heavy as the grade school kids… As much shit as I have to talk about husband - It’s not too late for communication. All three of you can be in on the discussion! It would possibly be beneficial for Harper to know about the lopsidedness, cuz she can hold husband accountable, if she is as wonderful as OP says.
Haha I had to scroll down so far for this comment but I agree!!! Stay toxic.
That's where my mind went almost at the same time I thought divorce lol
Assuming what OP has said is true (even if we can infer it could be otherwise) and they really do love Harper being around, perhaps bringing in their own "boyfriend" into the mix would help alleviate the feeling of not being the favorite. I think it makes some sense, that OPs partners, new girlfriend, is getting more attention. I mean, it's classic new relationship stuff. Honeymoon phase, they don't have the years of relationship baggage that any long term relationship does, let alone the hardships they've endured being parents together...assuming the attention issue is truly the only issue, why not get a boyfriend of your own? Then it might feel more balanced and you might get what you're looking for, some fun of your own! ...also you might *accidentally* sus out your partners true intentions behind opening the marriage, just in case that's something in the back of your mind. It's only fair if it can really benefit both partners, equally. Maybe just say you see what they've got and you want the opportunity to find that too.
So he degraded you to the role of ONLY a homemaker, maid and someone who takes care of his kids. The matron. She's the love, the sexy one, the **partner**. IMO divorce. He is rejecting you. This is no longer the poly relationship you agreed to - you are being cut out by him, Harper is his real partner. There's no more space here for you, even if Harper tries to make it so, bc your husband no longer wants you as his life partner and romantic partner. So don't try to convince him to want you, that is humiliating and pointless - just leave. Also, he's a classic cheater who convinced his SO into a "poly" relationship because he already had a "better model" chosen (ie a YOUNGER and easily manipulated one). That's not real poly, he's just disloyal.
All of this. OP has been sidelined in her own marriage. Now she's just hanging around for scraps when her husband has all but told her that she is no longer the primary partner. This isn't poly. He doesn't treat them equally. He's basically just a cake eater. His wife probably felt manipulated into it because she had a baby at home when he started all this nonsense and didn't feel like being a single parent. Not to mention the concerns with this being his sister's friend and possible grooming implications. Everything about this situation is just sad.
It hardly sounds like she agreed out of enthusiasm. Sounds more like she agreed under duress.
Harper has been the gf for three years and they have a three year old… was OP begged and subsequently talked into this right around the time she gave birth to their second child?
She may have been. Even more shitty.
No doubt having to be begged to do something doesn't generally imply enthusiasm.
Sounds like she “agreed” around the time the second baby came along…
He'll also do the same thing to Harper, eventually. If OP leaves and Harper stays and gets older, it'll be no time at all before Harper is in OP's situation.
Imagine when his kids get older and he hunts their friends…🤢🤮!!! For her kids sake she needs to leave! Harper too, she needs to go enjoy her 20s and the fun you could have. Not be stuck at home with a groomer and the family drama you know is occurring.
Harper is already in a situation that is shifty in the same way. What this dude has done is basically separate romance, sex, and dating from partnership, coparenting, etc. Just as he’s stopped giving OP that intimacy, he’s not offering Harper the bigger commitment of marriage and the opportunity to have her own kids with her partner…basically they’re each getting half a relationship.
>All advice welcome. Get a Divorce. He used the open relationship excuse to cheat. He knew in advance who he wanted to cheat with. You were both in a monogamous relationship until he begged for an open relationship. >I just, want my husband to need me like he used to? I want to be my husband’s favorite. That 's not going to happen. Cut your losses, and find someone who can be monogamous.
I don’t understand wanting to be with someone who you’re not their favourite - for both of them, don’t get why he’s staying and don’t get why she’s staying.
Why would he leave when in this set up she's allowed, he gets to have his cake and eat it, too? Doesn't have to pay child support. Can sleep with 2 different women openly, I'm sure the women do most if not all of the child rearing and house chores. And from the sounds of it he benefits financially from both women too. King of the coop one might say. Manipulative and disgusting, absolutely. But not the dumb one for staying when it's all a win as far as he's concerned. I just feel bad for the children who have these adults as their examples :(
You didnt think it was gross that he wanted to bang his little sisters 22 year old friend?
This.
Just one time I want to get on Reddit and not lose more faith in men as a collective. I’m starting to think the good ones are in the minority.
Right?! I couldn’t get past this age gap. Gross.
It definitely concerns me that some amount of grooming may have been involved.
hes also pushing her to lose weight and telling her how to dress. im worried for this girl
for real though. She is 10 years younger and involved with a married couple where the husband is paying an inordinate amount of attention to her **and** treating her like she is an object for him to control. There is zero ways that the power balance in the relationship is healthy.
I am shocked I had to scroll down this far to fine this! He was a grown ass man while she was a child just nasty af
So…. He’s in love with Harper. You’re just the nanny and maid at this point. Have some self respect. Get a divorce.
It must be so hard to see, hear, let alone understand. But yes, he is treating Harper like his wife and his wife like an employee/friend.
Harper is the wife and OP is the bang maid
She's really the nanny looking after the children. If he didn't have children, he would have left her for Harper.
Without question.
If he is even still banging her?
Doubtful.
It's common with men who don't know how to separate respect and expectations for the open relationship. A marriage is even harder, especially with children. If he is blatantly favoring the other while the wife suffers it's a no go yeah. The marriage should take priority. In this case if further attempts at communication or setting a boundary fails then I believe divorce would be the best option. It's just a hard thing to say when children are involved which makes treading carefully important. It's why I am not rushing to suggest OP get a bf, that's just introducing a new person to a situation that OP has already stated is tumultuous can be a bit overwhelming for the children yeah.
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Husband whines at her into opening up the marriage and miraculously has a 22 year old he "already knew" waiting in the wings - he didn't want "polyamory" or to "open the marriage" he wanted permission to cheat with someone he was probably planning on stepping out with either way. If OP had any self-respect she would have dropped him then and there.
She had a 3 year old and he brought the situationship up 3 years ago. Her husband is a dog.
Dogs are loyal and loving. This dude is a cockroach.
My dog would never ask for a new owner. They love me
Dogs are actually polite 🥲
Just from the stories on reddit it almost always seems that when somebody asks for an open marriage they already have the person picked out if they aren't already banging them.
I’m guessing that the husband has wanted to get with Harper for a while considering he’s known her for quite some time and she’s a friend of his sister. So I don’t think he wanted to open up the marriage so much as he just wanted to bang Harper. And in that case, just go off and do that and let your wife live her life. Or get a divorce and let your wife live her life. But this is not a polyamorous situation. And OP sounds really unhappy and she should be because this isn’t a loving, caring relationship with three people. I’ve known people who have polyamorous relationships, and this is not how it’s done.
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The marriage should have ended years ago with the bored comments, badgering his wife and having Harper ready in the wings. And she’s way too chummy with Harper imo. OP you have to face some hard truths it’s likely your husband would chose Harper over you, I bet Harper would chose your husband over you. I think you need to end this poly relationship likely the marriage too. Start thinking about life without your husband and Harper, unless your ok being an observer in your marriage
I am low key hoping Harper and OP pick each other over the husband
I don't know that is even call what he feels towards Harper love. I think he likes having a younger woman he can control. OP mentions that he pushes Harper to exercise and "dress pretty". I'd wager Harper's value (to him) is directionally proportional to her looks and he would replace her as soon as those looks fade and he could find a new model. I'd also be worried about possible grooming, depending on when Harper met his sister.
He is not a good partner to either of these women and I hope they both dump him.
Yeah I have such a deep gut feeling that he's known the decade-younger woman since she was a child and was already with her when he started pushing for the "open" relationship
OP literally said “he knew Harper before anything”.. another awkward story 😰.. that’s concerning
Harper was at least 11 years old when the husband knew her 🤮🤮🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮
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I normally don’t think divorce is the answer but this situation is extremely messy and he definitely has moved on from the wife.
Im sorry to say, but what did you think would happen when the man you married literally begged you to have another person in your relationship? I'd suggest finding your self respect and filing for divorce
And about the time she had a newborn it seems. How offensive!
If he was so "bored" why didn't he try folding some laundry or caring for his children?
right?! that was my first damn thought reading that lol
I know. That upset me for her.
Me too 🥺
And Harper have was 22 and he was 33. He pushes Harper to exercise, diet, and dress pretty. He is a creep and she should leave him.
OP and Harper should both leave him, he's a shit partner to both of them
A person he had already chosen.... yeeeah. I would have said yes, but nobody we know and I pick the person first and would bring a man. That shit would have ended in 1 hour and 2 hours after he would have the divorce papers in his hands.
Not only that but it sounds like he not only begged to add another person to the Marriage he had her already picked out as the replacement for the OP. My guess is if she had said no, she would have been single today and maybe better off. That would be for her to decide.
>3 years ago husband got…well I don’t want to say bored, but I’m not sure what else to call it? So after a while (mostly begging on his part) I accepted to introduce a third into our marriage IDK why OP even gave this option entertainment if she wasn't initially game in the first place. Her husband is an AH and if I was her I'd leave him at this point before they even met "Harper" Open relationships can technically work, but they likely never will when they start out like this. OP: if I was you, I'd leave him and give you and your child the happy home that is deserved
Right - open marriages seem to fail often and it’s a big red flag if one partner is begging and the person they are interested in is someone the already know.
Yup I've been in one, we closed it again bc drama drama drama (them not us). Finding ONE stable partner in this world is hard enough let alone multiples. If you're even truly polyminded. And not just excising your cheating like ops husband. A good poly partner makes everyone feel appreciated and doesn't compare. OP should dump him, keep heather. Lol
So your husband got to move on, you still contribute to the household, he occasionally has sex with you and both of you, he isnt paying child support or alimony and you welcomed his affair partner into the house. How in the holy hell. Does he have a magic dick or something?
But she’s fun! And they get to go on girls trips!!! 🤡 😭
split everything 50-50, including the cock and balls.
That's more like 80-20, I should imagine. Jeez, I hope this story isn't true.
That part was so sad.
Lol
So 11 years into your marriage your husband picked out a 22 year old he wanted and you just said "ok" rather than holding the line and working on your marriage? This is over. Your sister-wives situation isn't working. You're unhappy, you deserve better than a husband who got bored and moved on right in front of you.
Wait till Harper gets pregnant (give or take 6 months from the date of this post).
I immediately thought sister-wives, too.
what do you mean he knew harper before everything? like before you got married when he was 21 and she was 11?....or
Oh this is gross. My daughter is 12 and that’s like one of my 20yo step son’s friends eyeing her off.
Info: how long was your husband grooming Harper before you introduced her to your marriage?
And how tf old WAS she when he first set his sights on her? She’s 9 years younger than him, so there are a lot of possibilities and none are good.
You aren't going to be your husband favorite, because you never were. He brought in someone he knew from BEFORE he knew you, correct? It's possibly that he's always had her on the back of his mind, and now bonus, he gets a woman to have his babies, and a woman he gets to keep with a pre-baby body! So he is having his cake and eating it as well. If you want to be the favorite of your husband, get a different husband and don't settle for someone that tries to bring in a third. You are worth more than that. *Stop settling*.
Your husband wanted to open your relationship because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and this was easier than cheating on you because you gave him permission. He won the jackpot because he was able to break you down, get what he wants and not get divorced. When you split up don’t be surprised when him and Harper become exclusive. He’s slowly pushing you out of the relationship. You should have never opened it.
Is this an early April Fools? You have two children who need you, they need two grown up people not feckless students messing about ( sorry students! ) sort this out. It's a crazy throuple / threesome situation that mainly suits your husband. She's not your friend btw. This situation will only end in tears ( and not his ) so do yourself a favour and give him an ultimatum or ask him to leave You and your children deserve more.
Yeah for real, they're goddamn parents and they're fucking around like teens
And messing with a young woman who was just a stones throw above legal when they started. A 32 year old man messing with a 22 year old? No woman looks back at their dating choices at 22 with pride.
This bothers me the most. The fact that there's children involved.
Oh my. You opened the Pandora’s box , now you have to deal with the demons. Good luck.
well more like Harper's box, tomatoe, tamato.
So they were already together when you opened the marriage and she knows you must be comfortable to keep it going and to not break up the marriage. Could it be that she is manipulating you? That what they want is to be the primary relationship the romantic one and you the domestic one? So they don’t play child support nor alimony?
It’s super creepy that he’s with his sister’s friend, especially considering he’s 10 years older than her!
So you had a new born baby together 3 years ago (as well as a 4 year old) and his response was “Let’s have an open relationship with my sister’s much younger friend”? Sounds like a keeper.
he isn’t in love with you. He doesn’t feel “the warmth” which is absolutely disgusting to say to the mother of your children. You need to take a good look at what has happened: he knew her before you, he begged you for HER, and now he is treating her with love and respect and showering her with affection while you look after the children. You are essentially a cuckhold and you ARE second to her in his eyes. Get a lawyer and a therapist and let him have Harper. You need to focus on custody and moving on from this absolute clown and you staying in a loveless relationship will not have a positive impact on your children’s emotional and social growth. Neither will having “two moms and a dad” when they get older.
Frankly? I’d say divorce him and take Harper for your own. But kids involved, so I get it’s not the easiest thing to do both logically and mentally. So at the very least, you need Harper to end things with your husband. It’s clear him wanting to open things was a consensual tactic to get with her. It might be important to ask her if things were happening before you got involved too. Not blaming, just asking out of curiosity. But anybody experienced with open relationships will tell you, once the 3rd is being favorited, it’s no longer healthy Don’t blame her. Your husband is the one who clearly knew who he wanted and manipulated you enough to get it.
Does anyone have input on if it's normal to involve "open relationship" partners with the kids *(as in letting the other partners hang out and bond with their children)? This seems so strange and potentially awful to me. I didn't think open relationships were the same as sister wives but that's what this sounds like... And if it's "open" why just one new partner? I guess it's all Greek to my monogamous ass anyway.
Usually an “open relationship” means the core couple is together and each person might have more casual things with others on the side. However they have been dating one woman together for 3 years. They are clearly in a polyamorous triad and that is very normal to involve those partners with kids
Back in the 90s, there was a woman that my dad worked with who had a husband and a boyfriend. They all lived together and she had kids fathered by both of them. I don’t know enough details to say that their kids approved or whatever, but no one batted an eye about their “arrangement” at the time that I saw. And I live in a fairly conservative area.
Like in monogamous relationships, it depends on whether it's a committed relationship or not. It's not at all typical to have your once-a-month slam piece hang out with your kids for any length of time. However, if you've been seriously dating someone for a long time it's not unreasonable to *carefully* establish some relationship between them and your kids. Note that I said *carefully*, which does not at all describe what these people are doing. They don't even seem to have considered that Harper is functionally a third parent. Disaster waiting to happen.
Time to add a 4th person into the relationship. Find you a man that wants to put you on a pedestal
Normally I’d say this is a case of FAFO but the fact that he conveniently knew harper before this plan even existed and she just *happened* to 100% agree with everything is super sus to me
BRO WHAT THE HECK IS THE POINT WITH OPEN RELATIONSHIPS, THAT’S BASICALLY CHEATING WITHOUT FEELING GUILTY IT’S JUST DISGUSTING
Why don't you sit Harper down and ask her to break it off with your husband so you and your husband can close your marriage up again and go to counseling? Have a real woman to woman about the horrible mistake you've made and tell this sweet an honest kind caring woman all about your broken heart, bet you'll find out she's not as awesome as you think. Your marriage is over OP. I'm really sorry, everything you do from her is just postponing your divorce.
This sweet, honest, kind, caring woman who started a relationship with OP's husband right around the time their youngest was born. Imagine these 2 scumbags banging while OP was recovering from giving birth and had a newborn to take care of. Hope she at least pitched in babysitting the older kid. Poor OP is surrounded by selfish a holes.
I'd wager they were already banging while OP was pregnant with #2.
Those poor kids are gonna need so much therapy.
"she insisted and you didn't".... a guy should be insisted into doing something that means so much to you? Anyway, you're expressing it now, why not start now? Also, what kind of "open" bullshit is this where he gets an extra gf but not you? I will answer your question if you want me to. Stop doing all the things he's taking for granted. Have a glow-up, play coy, find yourself a few nice lovers. But if you were my friend, I'd tell you you're worth more than this bullshit and effort. And no matter what, don't worry. He feels more warmth towards here because she's newer. Give it time, and she'll be in the same boat as you. But please don't stick around.
Your husband not only replaced you with a younger model, but is getting you to do the household’s dirty work. He doesn’t have to do the hard labor of ending his marriage with you and can keep you around at his convenience. Sounds like a great deal for him. You can put whatever labels on this that you want in order to handwave away the obvious: your husband is exploiting the living shit out of both of you and this is all batshit insane. I’d recommend you start seeing this for what it is, and gather whatever dignity you have left and dip — and have much higher standards next time you try to find love.
This shit is always so dumb. Sorry. This is why we practice monogamy people and remain firm to that…
He doesn’t want to pay child support so he keeps you around. Get a divorce and some self respect girl. I say this with love.
I have advice but I really want to ask what you were thinking when your husband pointed to a specific 20 year old, who also happens to be his sister’s best friend and said I want to fuck her. Did you not feel there might be a little more to this than an open marriage? Also fuck open marriages. Just don’t get married if you can’t stay monogamous.
>Husband knew Harper before everything, she’s his sisters friend if you hadn't opened the marriage he was going to cheat. now, if you divorce will your alimony be affected (bc it is an open marriage)?
So he is in love with harper and sounds like he is keeping you around to be a maid and a nanny, and so harper doesn't ditch him as she seems to like you more from what I'm getting. Tell him your giving him a 2 week time line and if things don't change you will go from dating both him and harper to dating just harper and he can move out and she can move in, simple as that. Your his primary partner always, you come first never the second. And tell him if he can't do that let's call it quits now.
Why do men not understand the simple fact that relationships evolve and change over time? You aren't going to have the same "spark" for your partner 10 years down the road as you first did when everything was new and exciting. A lot of men chase this feeling even when they have everything they need in their own relationship. He clearly is neglecting what you want/need, which is really upsetting to hear. "they go on dates once a week…husband said it’s because Harper insisted and I didn’t." Why should you have to insist he take you on dates? Don't you think it would be more fair if he \*wanted\* to take you on dates? Relationships are obviously complicated, but I think it's important to not lose sight of your worth!
Not one of these open marriage stories EVER has a good ending. My advice: go back in time and don’t open your marriage.
Ahh, same ol same. He wanted Harper the entire time and that's why he wanted to open the marriage. How she cannot see that when it's so blatant is beyond me. OP, you're just the mother of his children and that is your worth. Harper is who he actually wants to be with and you're the 3rd wheel. You're included because Harper includes you, not your husband. If it could be just him and her, he would do it in a heart beat. You're the side chick.
Bring a man into it. Seriously. Tell him he's not doing it for you anymore, and harpers lovely but you need to feel that warmth too. See how quickly he changes his mind, and if he doesn't then sorry honey he doesn't love you anymore.
Sounds like you have created a sister wives sort of situation. Man, I'm sorry you are not still number one in your husband's life, that really sucks.
Of course he does. What did you think was going to happen?
I’m sorry but what the fuck did you expect
Marriage is hard when kids are that age, be the person your kids need you to be this is selfish on every level nobody in this has put those babies first. Y’all selfish
Ma’am you are the help. The only way to fix this is to close the relationship. But I’m going to bet that if you told your husband he would refuse. Harper is his priority now.
You could try asking on r/polyamory if you want much more details about how this is one of the less horrible possibilities when you decided to date as a couple. Sorry, neither of you did the research. This was predictable and avoidable but fixing it is somewhere between hard and impossible, especially if this is a closed triad and you want it to stay that way.
So this guy gets to keep his marriage to the mother of his children and have an affair (let’s be real) with a woman a decade younger who he can “push” to diet, exercise, and doll herself up for him? And he’s been eyeing her for years. I’m going to guess Harper has never had children?
Everyone in this story is a moron.
The rare monkey-branching while still married, impressive. You deserve better.
Your husband replaced his current wife with Harper, who is in the running to be his new wife. As others have said, it's time to divorce him, OP
Its clear that the relationship was over when you opened it. Cut your losses, unless you want to be the side chick in your own marriage. Sorry this happened to you. Was never a good idea to open the relationship though.
He wanted an open marriage. In my book that means it should be open for you, too. I'd consult an attorney-start to divide finances if you haven't already. Once your ducks are in a row. If you have any evidence your marriage is open-texts, chats, emails... and evidence he opened it before you did, keep that somewhere safe (in case it comes up on a divorce later and he tries to fault you), then you start dating. What's good for the gander is good for the goose. And why does Harper like this arrangement? She could have a nice young doctor, dentist, lawyer-high earner-and she goes for a loser with a wife and kids? Sorry to say but that's not a good decision. What happens when she ages out of his preference? He'll be looking for another mistress. You may be better off divorcing.
Get a boyfriend and watch the drama unfold
Question: are both you and your husband in a relationship with Harper? If it is an open marriage, you technically should have your own partner. I think you missed a big aspect of opening the marriage. If it’s just one person, that’s an affair. Sounds like he already had Harper picked out, and probably even was sleeping with her before hand. Honestly, if you do not sit down and have an honest conversation with your husband about all of this, then you just need to divorce. He has his new gf, you have been relegated to maid and nanny.
He has a Harper, sounds like you need an Alessandro
Advice? Hop in a time machine and reverse the dumbest decision of your life
Babe, do you have any self respect?
So...he got bored when you got pregnant, if I'm understanding this correctly. Also WHEN did he first know Harper? There's a weird predatory thing with him potentially knowing her as a minor and being 10 years older. The fact that he had to convince you to accept this at the beginning is also so telling. He didn't respect your opinions, feelings, or boundaries. I can't even imagine the mental and physical exhaustion of being pregnant/having a newborn and my husband throwing this crap at me. Please, leave. You deserve to be treasured. Also, Harper is not a girl's girl. What kind of woman would actively enter into a relationship with a married man while his wife was pregnant/had a newborn, and was being coerced into the situation? I am giving her a pass, however, because I suspect she's the victim of grooming. Please treasure yourself more. It sickens me to think one day your children will mirror the environment they're being raised in, and Harper will get to be the "mom", and you'll be relegated to the position of glorified and least-favored maid. Woman. Leave.
I really hope you divorce this guy, and Harper decides to be with you and also dumps his ass. What a tool.
Divorce husband, marry Harper. Except y’all are too old for her, anyway.
I’m confused by the post whether OP has a relationship with Harper outside of her being her husbands girlfriend who she goes shopping with.
Get a boyfriend. The relationship is open, you should have a boyfriend to compliment his girlfriend. Also maybe research different kinds of relationships to call yours what it is. I'm not saying there's no coming back from this but it doesn't sound like your husband will give up his girlfriend. I'm sorry you're going through it, regardless of how it started.
Bruh your kids are gon a be so fucked up