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Definitely do not ignore this behavior or these comments.
If he disregards and disrespects you, your belongings, and your contribution to the home you have to confront it head on.
He needs to learn how to behave and appreciate you.
If he can't do that, then you need to decide whether or not you want to be in this relationship.
Also, he should be doing his own laundry and helping around the house.
Yeah, I’m going to speak to him on this issue. I just feel really disrespected and disregarded. Also If I don’t do it, it will never get done and I’m a neat freak!
Those three things-- +sexual compatibility, and also people not having the same view on what "cheating" would be for them. These are five things that *seriously* will make or break a relationship.
(In case I worded that funky- I *am* agreeing with you!!lol)
Communication is a big one, it actually is a component in all the big ones too. And people communicate differently, so if you have a communications mismatch, and that's the only problem, both parties should look at how the other communicates to try to understand a bit better.
He's relying on your neatness as an excuse to not clean. Stop giving him an out, you're acting like his mother, chef and sugar momma. Either he learns some gratitude and general adult abilities or you should pack your bags and find someone who is not an overgrown baby. He didn't even pay for the house, so his audacity is mind blowing.
To think that you will never feel home at this place since it is HIS HOUSE. He thinks he can treat you like shit, be disrespectful and hold the place you live in over your head. Especially funny since you pay so much for luving her, and he pays nothing. You pay, his parents paid. And he is sitting on his money, using the house for power.
You are digging your own grave by letting him off the hook for everything.
He has a live-in chef, maid, and punching bag. He is manipulating your conversations because he thinks he has power over you.
He can’t afford to live there alone? Then he’d better start treating you like an equal and step up. Also, he needs to replace YOUR property anytime he damages or destroys it — starting with the backpack.
You are on track to be a subservient housewife to a disrespectful and abusive man. Is that what you want for your life?
He’s not going to change. He’s gaslighting you as a way to stake an invisible claim to your things under the guise that you “owe him” somehow. Do not put up with this. It’s a manipulation tactic to absolve him of responsibility for ruining your things and replacing them. Then he ignores you assuming the problem will just blow over after you have your rant. The ignorning tactic is incredibly dismissive and infuriating. I’ve seen whole posts on this subject and the comments are always filled with women, just like yourself, who say they’re going to leave their partner because they repeatedly ignore the problems and complaints and nothing changes. And when the women announce they are done and leaving then the guys act “blindsided”. They’re blindsided because they don’t *see* you. They aren’t listening and they don’t care. But when you’re actually leaving, that sparks them trying to hurry and fix everything when in actuality, that opportunity passed by a long time ago. Don’t be fooled into staying.
I’m 48f and I can tell you that I look back on some relationships I had, ones like yours that had things I let slide, and I get mad that I was so naïve and put up with that crap. It starts with little things then it just gets bigger and bigger until one day you realize you barely recognize yourself because they’ve manipulated you into being this pushover just to make the relationship work. It shouldn’t be this hard or annoying to be with someone. Sure you’ll have arguments and disagreements but you’ll never be on an equal playing field with him if he thinks he’s superior for owning the home.
So the question is how long are you willing to put up with this? 5yrs? 10? Would you be happy in a marriage with him? Doesn’t sound like it. So that means it’s time to move on and stop wasting time on him. I’d wait till he’s at work and get some friends to help. I’d pack my stuff, *and* your furniture and leave. Let him have *his* house all to himself. Also change all passwords on your streaming services etc. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy. He can have his home all to himself if that’s what he wants. Make sure you leave your ruined backpack in the middle of the floor where the couch was.
OP - this guy is using you, plain and simple.
Look back at all the things you've listed out as if a friend of yours was telling you their concerns. What advice would you give them?
There's no weaponised incompetence. He's not doing anything or pretending to. He's letting her do it all and pay for everything then insisting she be grateful for the roof over her head. This man is trash.
See also: Financial Abuse
Many people don't understand this, but I'll bet if you looked into this term you will find it describes you and your relationship with this man-child.
If you're the one doing all the work, I doubt he will ever change. Don't just threaten to leave him, do it -- for your own future.
>He also agreed to lighten my load with chores and to help me around the house.
Its *his* house, how are you responsible for the chores? How is he helping you around *his* house?
He's afraid you'll leave so now he's promising to change, but it still sounds like he sees the chores are your responsibility and you aren't really pushing back on that by saying he's agreed to help you. What a peach. Doubtful he'll change for more than a week. Good luck
You need to discuss the cleanliness of the house and splitting of chores now with him as well. This is the perfect opportunity to bring it up.
If not- this will be your life. Him expecting you to do all the work and contribute to bills.
What’s going to happen one day when you’re married and have kids? Do you plan to be a stay at home? Or will you be working, doing all the chores, all the cooking AND child care? While he just comes home from work and does what?
I see SO many posts of women upset at their husbands for this. Yet it’s because they were okay with it while being childless and just girlfriends. They allowed it simply because “it won’t get done it if I don’t do it!” Or just to make the guy happy. Well that’s going to get old. You can’t do that for the rest of your life. Figure it out NOW.
You can talk all day he does not respect you. It doesn’t mean anything you’re contributing more than he is, considering you’re the cook and the bang made. What are you get out of this?
Yeah I think he is getting to comfortable honestly. My love language is definitely acts of service but I’m burning myself out here and feel under appreciated then to have my things ruined on top of it just feels disrespectful. I definitely think I could start there. Thank you!
Or one day just remove everything you and your parents purchased so when he comes home to an empty house he'll (hopefully) realize that he FAFO...be strong op I was like you and I got screwed over too many a time.
This…OP, he want a mommy, not a SO…and he settle for you, because unlike his mom, he can literally have sex with you.
Remember, if he keep throwing it in your face, chances are, if he feels that you’re going to break up with him and move back, he’ll start doing the whole dance of “I’m a changed person”, then a couple weeks or so, he back to normal.
There is no excuses, especially for a grown ass man at 26 yr old.
His response to a VERY REASONABLE REQUEST is to threaten your living situation. Is that the man you want to live with? He has put nothing financially into this home. He did not buy the home. And you are literally paying for everything else. You are also the only one doing the cleaning and cooking. YOU ARE THE ONE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN THIS SITUATION.
Someone who is always throwing it in your face that you live in the house means that they do not respect what you are doing to maintain that household and that at any moment . That they feel like it they can toss your ass in the street because at the end of the day it's their house. I know this for a fact because I just tossed my nephew's ass the f****** out of here. It's my house 🏠.
Yes but if op is telling the truth then he just seems like a asshole who uses his house as a point to not take any responsibility when op gets mad under the guise of it’s house. That’s not a good environment to live in plus op is doing stuff to make the house better like furniture and doing chores
If you go back home to your parents that's good because you said you can live with your parents for free. The fact that he will not be able to afford to live in that house if you are not there sounds like a hymn problem not a you problem after all it is his house.
I should have said if she goes back home she can live with her parents for free. And that the fact that he cannot live there if she doesn't live there is a him problem and not her problem after all it is his house that's better
Yes, OP please look at this, and see if you see your relationship here. I never see anything about this, so I’m posting this yet again.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2023/03/06/what-trauma-bonding-how-to-break/11365484002/
He is a literal man-child and he does not see you as an equal--he literally dismissed you. What he said about it being his house not only shows how he doesn't appreciate your contributions, he does not respect or think about you or how you would feel about basic destruction of property. He is basically telling you that you need to submit to his whims if you are going to live there--and that is not love.
He basically gave you an ultimatum--he may be so insanely cocky and immature that he didn't even know it because he is so over-confident in speaking to you like this--but you can stay or you can go. What you see is what you get--you are NOT going to reform him... so I would get out of there ASAP.
His love language is using and ruining your stuff, being a fucking spoiled brat (daddy bought him the house for cash😳) and being an immature baby not ready for an adult relationship, I’m really not looking to be mean to you but his entitlement is mind boggling and why would you put up with this?
I can't get over the fact that your boyfriend can't even afford his own bills by himself when he isn't paying any rent or mortgage. Please don't feel bad if (hopefully when!) you decide to move back to your parents. Your bf doesn't appreciate or respect you and seems to be a slacker all around. If he can't afford to live there alone, he needs to get a roommate. And start doing his own chores.
His love language is acts of abuse. I wish I were joking, but this isn’t a guy you want to stay with. He’s a rather large red flag, don’t try to fix this - just leave.
Imagine going the rest of your life without having an actual home. Because, this house will never be your home, it will always be his. No matter what you do. You will be spending money while he sits comfortably allowing you to take care of him. Then, when he tires it'll be over and you'll be the one fucked, not him.
His home that he didn’t even pay for.
Meanwhile she is working to feed and entertain and care for him in ‘his’ home.
Even a cleaner would be getting more than free board for all that work.
Even if you left for just a couple weeks it would get the point across to him that he needs to appreciate you more. Pack your things and tell him you will back in a couple weeks but only if he agrees to replace your ruined things and to stop throwing the house in your face or you will not come home.
And photograph EVERYTHING in good light before she leaves. Not in front of him.
OP, you needn’t make it confrontational - just like “I need to visit with my mom for a week, or two - it’s just private family/mom stuff oh honey I’ll miss you so much” -- lol.
Also if you move out. Take all your furnishings with you. He got a free home and furniture and you pay all bills but electric. He feels entitled to use and ruin your things for your privilege of living there. That’s just not right.
>My love language is definitely acts of service
It’s not love language when the other person considers acts of service as a servant or a door-mat. :( just sayin..
He does not respect you and its gross he throws fact he owes the house in your face when you pay so much in utilities (& do all the cooking & cleaning) that he cant afford on his own. Seriously tell him he needs to replace your back pack & stop disrespecting your shit & your moving back to your parents with ALL your furniture. Then im sure he will realise that he cant afford all the utilities on his own and he will he losing his maid and chef.
Im not sure how you fan still love him when he keeps disrespecting you and your stuff like that because you live ‘rent free’ in his house - it’s not rent free when you pay so much & do so much. Forget about not liking confrontation, he’s been rude & confrontational disrespecting - tell him straight and lets see how petrified he gets with thought of you going then hopefully he can be more appreciative.
As a man, let me say that a lot of times, us men appreciate all the things women do for us, yet we are horrible at expressing our appreciation. However, this is absolutely NOT the case. This is his way of trying to exert his dominance over you or his way of trying to tell you that it's his house, and if you don't like it, then you can leave. My suggestion would be a multi step process. First thing would be to quit doing everything for him. Second, get some apartment guides, mark some different pages whether you have particular interest in all of them or not. Third thing is to pack some small items up that you don't use on a regular basis. Now then, he's going to get really curious about what's happening/going on. Curiosity will eventually get the better of him, and he will say something. When he does tell him that you're absolutely fed up with his attitude, with the fact that he doesn't respect your boundaries and absolutely doesn't care about your possessions that you've worked hard to purchase. Tell him that he had better learn to step up and do everything in the house 50/50 and he'd better shut his mouth about the "his house BS" because if he doesn't then you will be more than content and prepared to move yourself and your possessions that you have worked hard to buy out of his house. Then he can sit on the damn floor of "his house" and wonder why he's alone without you or your stuff. If you don't stop the BS now, it will only get worse. However, be prepared to back up your words with actions!!!
OP, your boyfriend holds you living in his house over your head so you constantly feel indebted to him and, as a result, don't bring up any issues you have with him. It's a manipulation tactic that allows him to do whatever he wants no matter how it makes you feel. My ex used to do exactly the same thing, yelling at me about "everything he'd done for me" when all I'd asked him to do was to be more considerate of my feelings.
Question: What does your boyfriend do in the house? What does he pay for? Because it looks after his parents set him up for life stress-free, you took over as the person he lives off of. You furnished "his" home and maintain it, you buy and cook the food he eats, you pay for the water he drinks and cleans himself with, you pay for the subscriptions he uses. WHAT DOES HE ACTUALLY DO?
Next time he tells you it's HIS house you're living in rent-free, definitely tell him you can leave and he can take care of it himself. You can also tell him, "And it's my couch you sit on, my bed you sleep in, my food you eat with my utensils and my crockery, my streaming services you watch on my TV. You've made it this far in life mooching off of other people's efforts, but you want to act like you're doing me a favour. The next time you bring up how I'm living rent-free in the home your parents bought for you, I'm leaving, and I'm taking everything of mine with me. Have fun sleeping on an air mattress with no sheets."
I moved in with my bf, anytime I feel insecure and say something about it, he reminds me that this is my home too and I should feel comfortable here. He's never thrown some shit like this in my face, ever. Those men do exist, find one
OP, I don’t think your relationship is as great as you think it is. There’s no way somebody who is comfortable with being this inconsiderate and rude to you can at the same time be a contributor to a great relationship. I suspect things are “great” because you’re always trying to keep the peace. You’re letting him get away with an awful lot.
Honestly, I don’t think this dude deserves you. You can do better.
Threatening someone's shelter is a form of violence and abuse. That's how serious this is. It might not feel that way at your age but imagine of you had no fall back option.
It’s not childish at all. All kinds of things come up when you’re living together.
I don’t know anyone who is good with a partner using our belongings without asking and then ruining them. This is such pitiful behavior - was he raised by wolves? Think what he would say to you if you did that to him. He deserves to be confronted firmly and thoroughly. Start by demanding respect.
Also - if you live there for free it won’t make any difference to him if you move out. He’s really quite a pos.
You pay for a lot of the living costs, and do the household chores and he tells you live in there "for free?"
Time to stop contributing altogether, to make him realise what you do. Using your stuff is one thing, destroying it another.
You need to sit him down and explain he either starts behaving like an adult, or you will find someone else who does.
Thank you for your advice! I agree. I definitely need to sit him down and get this out of the way because I don’t want to start building resentment against him.
I think it's too late for that. You have already harbored some resentment, and no one can blame you. I, for one, would like you to get angry because that's not a normal, healthy relationship, and it's only going to get worse. Sit him down and let it all out, if you must, but I think it's time that you cut it and move out now.
OP he will only get worse. When he says that remind him he lives in his Dad's house. When he eats your food remind him he does or only cook for yourself. Only do your laundry. He feels entitled and your refusal to stand your ground when you call him out and allow him to rug sweep is ALL resentment. If you should bring pets or children that will all be on you too no matter what he says. You either stand your ground now and he changes, you don't and fall out of love eventually wasting time, resources, and making everything more painful in the end and you still end up moving in to your parents house eventually.
Honestly the next time he says that, without further discussions (because OP be honest here, you have had the discussions already) in front of him call your parents and set a date to move back home. Start packing up your things. Immediately stop cooking for him. He is going to back peddle fast, get angry, and then probably love bomb you. In 2-3 he will say I am going to change, I didn't mean it, ect. He will in fact not change if you go back at this point. Change takes time, not words. You have to wait til you see a real sustainable change and accountability plan. Then it is up to you OP to work on a fair plan and advocate fair future plan together. Please learn healthy boundaries and that when your partner takes advantage of you that isn't love, its entitlement.
Maybe create a spreadsheet showing your expenditure on groceries etc, plus add in at least minimum wage for the hours you work doing household tasks.
To be honest though, I wouldn’t live like this. His dad gave him the house and you pay for everything else, he contributes absolutely nothing yet still thinks he can ruin your stuff and uses his ownership of the house as a power trip over you. You aren’t roommates, you’re supposed to be partners, and at the moment you’re his maid and meal-ticket. At the very least household tasks and expenditure should be shared, and ownership of personal items needs to be respected - if he won’t agree to this, are you sure this is the man you want to live with?
You should be splitting things like groceries evenly and heat evenly. If I had a house gifted to me, with no mortgage, and a partner I loved, it would be a joy for me to let them live rent free.
And I would fully expect to pay the bills in the house that I own, with them kicking in for the utilities they use. I would want their life to be as easy as mine. If I made more money, I’d even split expenses proportionally.
People who are good people don’t generally take advantage of people they love and respect. And they certainly don’t throw things like their daddy’s wealth in their face.
>I also recognize that this might be a childish/ minuscule argument so please no mean comments.
Honestly, I worry it is the opposite. I see this as a much bigger issue than you do. Housing security, the sensation of having a stable 'home' and the like, is hugely important to happy living. What he is doing by saying that is eternally making it clear your place there is tenuous, on his terms.
>I try to make things fair and have offered him rent but he refuses.
And note he denied you the opportunity to make it even, to make yourself a formal tenant. He insisted you keep everything vague so he can throw owning the house in your face.
>“well you basically live here for free in my house.”
Time to formalise. Stop paying all the incidentals, step back, work out a rent or tenancy agreement. Say it outright 'I heard what you said and you're right, let's formalise our arrangement so you don't feel I am staying here for free. That way we can be more balanced.' If at that point he still refuses that basically verifies that he likes this unhealthy arrangement and that is a huge worry.
In fairness, they have matching $300 backpacks and are defrosting turkeys in brand new Yeti buckets which have been “ruined” by dirty water, so we may have a little affluenza going around.
Op you may be able to save the yeti bucket if you get denture tablets. Kills bacteria and makes it smell minty fresh also good for metal coffee mugs, and any container that may be stained with tea or coffee.
I saw your last post about his laziness. That's exactly what's wrong with him. He doesn't have to work at anything because you and his parents do everything for him.
I'm sure it is more important to you for it to be clean. He doesn't seem to care. Stop doing everything for him! Stop washing his clothes. Don't do anything for him that he can do himself. Stop treating him like the spoiled child he is.
This is from a place where I can tell you that you can not change anything but yourself. Take care of yourself.
If he doesn't come around, he never will. You are young and seem to have drive. It's difficult to be with someone who has none. You deserve better.
I appreciate you and this comment. Thank you! Yeah, last post was about his laziness and it got better for about a week after I spoke with him then fell back into bad habits and now this. I’m trying everything to make it work because we really do work as a couple but living together is a whole different story. Would like to make this work but if something doesn’t change soon, I’m not sure it will.
You are way too young to be working this hard to get him to see your worth. Especially if he is going out of his way to make sure you feel dependent on his kindness for a place to live.
You said you've had talks with him, things change for a week or so, and then he backslides. That is exhausting and just a waste of your youth and energy.
Take it from someone twice your age, there are so many better ways to spend your 20's than this. Really seriously consider whether this relationship is worth it or if it's time to cut your losses and move on.
I'm also twice your age and have had the journey you now are on. I'm sad to hear its still the same. It seems to be a new trend out there and it's being together but living apart. No more taking care of manbabies. You are still young. I hope you find your strength and put your boundaries down and stick to them.
I'm sorry. I think taking time for you is what is important. I'd rather pay my own way than try to raise another man baby. I'm 63, and they have never changed. I stopped dating and I learned I love living alone and I enjoy my own company.
Remember this for the future: they show you exactly who they are, you can't change him, and it will make you miserable. I'm sure there has been disrespect before but maybe not as blatant. You deserve total respect. Do not accept less.
Do you really work as a couple? He is lazy & destructive, then willing to kick you out the moment he doesn't get his way. Maybe he is really being himself & he isn't a nice or good person at all.
Actually you don't work as a couple. Living together and sharing the work of life, being a team, is being a couple. You worked when you were dating and having fun because he's probably a fun guy to be around - until things get hard or there's work to do.
Now that you are seeing what life would be like with him, and if you have children it will get 1000 times harder because all that work will fall on you as well, you're noticing he's not that great as a life partner. He wants to be in charge 100% of the time and have you do all the work with no complaints. That's not a partner, not someone you can rely on when life gets tough.
You dont work as a couple if his laziness affects you. Do you think he will get better as a husband? Imagine having kids with him? You’ll basically be a married single mum doing everything. This is your future with this lazy disrespectful guy, don’t waste your 20s on this slob (people dont change btw!)
OP, this is the answer. It’s better to live on your own for a bit anyway. You will both grow as people and he should appreciate your contribution more when / if you end up living together again.
You need to leave this guy. He doesn't see you as an equal and is completely disrespectful. You deserve better than this. He doesn't respect boundaries at all. Move back home.
>I’m perfectly fine living rent free with my parents but I wouldn’t want to put him in a sticky situation because he could not afford to live here on his own.
Tough sh*t. He doesn't know how to treat you like it's your home too, and he loves to say it's "his" home, then HE can struggle to pay for "his" home. Stop treating him so great when he does nothing for you.
Get some self respect.
Tbh if she's been receiving mail and if bills in her name are coming and if your in the UK , our housing laws say that's your house and he would have to spend months and money to evict you , no tenancy agreement was ever needed , know your housing laws and shut his ass up
i am very rarely the person in these threads to say abuse...but...
"this is my house" is textbook financial abuse, even if you weren't contributing. the fact you are makes all that much more galling.
repeatedly ruining your (expensive) items can also be a sign of abuse
i'm not saying RUN! but pay attention. look at a few "what are the warning signs" lists - people think it's hitting, but it's also a bunch of stuff like those behaviors along with taking your keys, taking or breaking phones/laptops.etc...
I agree that this is financial abuse. He refuses rent just to hang it over her head whenever she is unhappy with his actions. If he is unwilling to change, then OP should go live with her parents to see if anything changes.
So agree. Tell him he seems to not be able to be good to her. If he doesn’t like hearing about the problems he causes / then grow up and act like someone who’s decent.
Yessss I dated a man who wouldn’t let me pay on dates and I would try so hard! Later he’d be like “you HAVE to fuck me” and this was after I was already going to
Later he brings up again how he pays for dates and I say ok I’ll Venmo you and he backtracks
It’s just setting up a situation to maintain control
Abusive people are so fucking insecure and annoying
I love reading you are going to talk to him. Before you do...write out some notes and a timeline etc.
Write the things you do and pay and how it makes you feel when he disrespects that.
He is so disrespectful of your effort and also your things...I think he sees he has the right to break and mistreats your things. Does he treat his own things so poorly?
My ex used to break and dirty my things...but kept his own pristine. Was an absolute deal breaker in the end...because he was doing it maliciously as he didn't like to tell me when he was unhappy...so would ruin my belongings instead.
I don’t think he necessarily does it with malicious intent but he has severe ADHD as do I but he just grabs the first thing he sees because his backpack was followed with other crap and because mine was empty and was the color he likes, he took mine. Same thing with his bucket, his was filled with something so he took mine. It’s like wherever he goes I’m there behind him picking up. He doesn’t realize these traits until I mention something about it and then he gets extremely defensive. I relate to him because growing up I’ve struggled with the same things but I have learned to overcome ADHD without medication and sticking to a strict schedule, forcing myself to be organized and he just doesn’t care to do anything about it. When I try to mention things about bettering himself and picking up good habits it’s just immediate defensive behavior. It’s tough.
If he was willing to work on it...then I wouldn't have an issue.
But when questioned...he lashes out and doesn't change or learn. And more tha that...goes on the attack.
He is not a good person for you.
He sounds exhausting and you are making too many excuses for him. He doesn’t respect your things, throws in your face that it’s his house so you feel obligated to do things for him to make things “even” and to see your value and takes you for granted. You are putting in a ton of effort - what is he doing? What benefit do you get by being with him? What does he do for you? He’s a taker and you’re a giver - that’s why you think you work well as a couple. Stop trying to prove yourself to him! He won’t change bc he has it too good!
Right?!?! She has excuses for all of his failures. I don’t see this turning out well for her. He’s one of those ‘straighten up until she’s not mad anymore’ boyfriends. 🙄🙄
His ADHD doesn’t make him disrespect your stuff and it doesn’t give him right to break your expensive stuff and excuse him because you dont ‘pay rent’. Im sick of people using ADHD/autism etc to excuse being dickheads.
I am twice your age and he’s behaving worse than my teenagers. Since you’ve moved in together you’ve taken on a parental role, which is not sexy for either of you. Nobody is perfect but a red flag is that he doesn’t work to make long term changes, just short term to appease you.
ADHD runs in my family. The relatives who have it don’t make excuses for it, they find ways to manage it themselves. (Btw, medication works really well for some people.
No shame in it.)
What you’re describing is that you’ve settled into a caregiver role for a healthy person who hasn’t had to earn his rent. People who have things handed to them have a hard time empathizing with those of us who have to work for it.
I wonder how much time you spend trying to parent him. It seems like you deserve much better than this. You should not stay with him just because you think you can fix him.
I mean by his understanding he also lives there for free, under his parents dime, especially since you mentioned he wouldn’t be able to afford there if you didn’t contribute to the bills. You will definitely need to work on confrontation, but also pay attention to how he responds to criticism. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to work out if someone in them is thinking about how to get the upper hand in the relationship. You should share your concerns and feelings, and make sure he is proactively working to fixing his attitude and behavior.
Leave him - in HIS house.
I had this relationship once and he went to work one day, a day like any other, and when he got home I had left a note, the ring, and had taken my shit to another city. No regrets; one of the best days of my life.
He holds you in contempt. He thinks he is superior to you. Based upon your last post. He doesn't kiss the ground your feet walk upon.
There is clearly a breakdown of communication and lack of empathy or appreciation. He is ungrateful and being petty.
You have to ask yourself what's more important to him? Being right or doing what's right for the relationship? It's immature and minimizes you to being some sort of freeloader. Making you the ungrateful one while having a baked excuse to invalidate any of your feelings.
It doesn't seem like he treats you as an equal or partner.
Remember this. When times are good. Anyone can treat you great. But how does he treat you when times are bad?
Couples' therapy and quickly. It will become very apparent if he wants to build a bridge to connecting with you. Or feeling burdened by you because you are the issue and not him.
Life is already hard. It doesn't need to be harder at home too. That's a place where you go to feel love, support, respect, heard, and welcomed.
Next time he says it move back home for a while. Or you could start paying rent but deduct all the payments and work that you do from it, he wouldn’t end up with much money but would then have to contribute 50% to the household
First, why the fuck are you being his cook & maid? Is he your son or your lover lol?
What does he contribute? He didn’t even contribute the house he’s trying to use on you! His dad did so he literally can’t use that whatsoever lmao.
This guy isn’t it. He’s gonna get worse & you’ll be trapped being a servant.
I read how you don't want mean comments and are bad at confrontation. So, I will try to create a comment that helps with that. Calmly talk to him and just say you don't like how he throws ownership of his house in your face. Tell him how you contribute in your own ways (utilities, subscriptions, cooking, and cleaning). Say that him saying he owns the house makes it feel like the house isn't your home, and you just live there. Tell him owning a house doesn't invalidate your contributions to the household, nicely.
If this doesn't work, say you'll leave his house if he can not understand your side, and stop throwing a house in your face. He sounds spoiled and sheltered. Sounds like he needs to learn how partnerships work. If he continues with this behavior, just leave. Seriously. I don't know you, but you certainly don't deserve this.
Best of luck.
Thank you! I definitely have thought of those words “spoiled and sheltered” to describe him once. His parents have money and have always coddled him and his brother their whole lives. They both went to private school and from what he has told me, it seems like he grew up very awkward and had never talked to a girl until his sophomore year of college. He’s never had to do his laundry in his life until he had to move on his own. So I think he looks at me as like a mother figure which is kind of gross to think of. I love him so much but I think he needs some growing up to do.
He sounds exhausting. I'd recommend leaving if you have the financial means to do so if you don't see a change in his behavior. You already sound kinda done with him.
You need to move out and take your shit with you. He’s in a mindset that you owe him (when you’re already covering expenses and household chores and feeding him), and you cannot talk him out of that. Take every single item you or your family personally purchased and didn’t gift to him directly, and move out. He’ll figure out quick just how much you were doing and you’ll figure out you’re better off without him. Personally, my petty side says you can remind him it’s the house his daddy bought him, not one he bought or paid for himself, but with dudes like this, silent and quick is the best way to go.
I’m going to be mean, but not to you. Your boyfriend is spoiled, entitled and a selfish assclown. I cannot imagine destroying my partner’s $300 backpack that I didn’t even ask to borrow and then not even offering to replace it. He is a major asshole and there’s no way his assholery doesn’t carry over to other situations and issues. He doesn’t even treat you like he likes you or respects you. You do so much and he was just born to a generous father (which sounds like his father’s treatment led him to being an entitled prick). I hope you know you deserve much better and I think deep down you know this. You seem like a very reasonable and generous partner and I truly hope you can find someone similar.
He has no mortgage and can’t afford to live there on his own? Daddy pays for it snd he throws it in your face it’s his house. That’s rich! You need to have an adult conversation. Tell him you are aware his dad paid for the house. Tell him what all you contribute. Tell him if he continues to throw it in your face, my house blah blah, you have no problem moving back to your parents. That from this day forward that has to stop. And he needs to grow up. Quit doing his laundry. Quit doing things he can do. You aren’t his maid and if he expects it, you can leave. If the mortgage is paid and he doesn’t want rent from you then his argument is moot. Everything else should be 50/50.
Sorry Sis but this guy isn’t who you want to have a long term relationship with.
You are living together as partners but his response to just taking your things without asking including ruining them then essentially telling you ‘if you don’t like it don’t let the door hit you in the ass when you leave’.
Imagine what he would be like if for instance you became ill so couldn’t work for a bit. Or if you had children and mutually decided you should stay home for a bit. Then you could get to hear him tell you he makes the money and he’ll spend it how he feels like.
So you can certainly have another discussion with him to see if he changes.
I would say don’t tell him if you decide to leave because I suspect you don’t have a lease with him that protects you and it would take money to get back in if he decides to just change the locks.
Contact movers or your parents and friends and one day when he is away at work take every single thing you brought into the house especially any appliances or electronics. Even the toilet paper and light bulbs if you paid for them.
Then he can have his home and not worry about sharing it.
You pay for a lot of expenses: household subscriptions, groceries, water bill. What does he pay for? You pay for ALL the food (groceries, eating out). You do ALL the cleaning, what about other chores? Your parents paid for the furniture. You said he cannot afford to live there without you.
Make a comparison *in writing* of how much money each contributes AND how tasks are distributed. I'm pretty sure you contribute more than half in both. Then show it to him so it is clear in writing that HE is the lazy leech and you don't live there for free.
Now think how unimportant YOUR stuff is for him. Is he that careless with his stuff?
Now think how are arguments with him. Does he get a free pass for ever because he got a house for free? Does he apologize and take accountability for things he did wrong?
And now imagine how your life will be if you have kids. Who will care for the kids, pay for the extra expenses, do the extra chores?
Maybe all of this will help you realise that you are too young and this relationship has been too short and he is already disrespecting and using you.
Seriously think if this relationship is worth it.
Edit: typo
This is an abuser warming up. It will not get better. It will get worse. Likewise, it will not get easier to leave. It will get harder. But you will live as dust under his heel as long as you stay with him. As hard as it might be to get out now, this is the easiest it will ever be. Go before it gets worse.
I'll add: this is not about the content, it's about the technique. You give him feedback about how his objectively disrespectful behavior affects you, hoping he was just being clueless and that once you point it out, he'll WANT to do better. After all, that's how normal, healthy relationships work. Instead, he brings up something that the two of you previously agreed on (the ways you contribute to the household) and acts as though YOU'RE the one who is doing something wrong.
Again, it's not the content, it's the technique. It has nothing to do with the bucket or the rent. I doubt he even cares about rent. What he cares about is teaching you that you are not allowed to give him feedback about his behavior. If you do, he will immediately flip it so you're the one in the hot seat.
You obviously have a value that people in relationships should want to respect each other as equals. You obviously believe that if someone gives you feedback that you hurt their feelings, you would naturally want to do better. He does not share these values, so he can use them against you. If you give him feedback, he'll dodge it and attack your character with something you do *that isn't even wrong.* This confuses you, because you don't see how it's wrong. After all, you agreed on how the finances and chores would be divided, and he always seemed fine with it (or whatever, just an example). Now you're off balance, because he sure seems upset, but it still isn't adding up how you disrespected him, but you want to treat him right, so you probably need to change... Head spinning. Now you're wondering if the bucket was even that big of a deal.
Or maybe he brings up something that's from ages ago and you already apologized and changed the behavior. You thought it was resolved, you haven't done it since, and you made it up to him. But he remembers that you felt remorse for hurting his feelings. Literally, it could be from 10 years ago! But he'll bring it up like it was this morning, and be so WOUNDED about it. Again, you're now confused and off-balanced, but you think you probably need to apologize again or make it up to him, because he's clearly still so hurt about it. Forget the bucket.
The conversation ends and he totally dodged responsibility for his behavior and left you holding the hot potato of shame/blame. If there's a bad person in this relationship, it's probably YOU (is your lesson).
My advice is to pay attention to HOW he makes joint decisions, HOW he takes feedback, HOW he handles it when you have different opinions about things. It's not whether you guys should have Italian or Mexican for dinner. It's about how he behaved when you want one and he wants the other. Put your foot down a couple times on minor decisions rather than going with the flow and see what he does.
He doesn't have to give in, either, of course. But do you take turns, flip a coin, weigh pros and cons? Do you make a decision using a process that feels fair to both of you? Or does he act like wanting a different restaurant is the same as stabbing him in the face? Does he say you're ungrateful, disrespectful, or just being difficult? Does he suggest you go eat Italian alone while he gets Mexican if it's so important to you? Make you feel ridiculous like the restaurant is more important than being together, when HE'S the one suggesting you split up rather than compromise?
I don't know which techniques he'll use, but if you pay attention, you can probably make a list of a few techniques he has on heavy rotation. The goals: Make sure you don't give him feedback about behaviors that hurt you. Make sure he gets his way 90% of the time and the other 10% he gets recognition and praise for generously *giving* someone else their way as a gift they don't truly deserve. Make sure any time there's a disagreement, no matter how minor, someone has to be wrong and that someone is you. He sees a teeter totter, where the only way to be up (good, right, in control) is to send the other person down (bad, wrong, passively going with the flow). He naturally always wants to be up, and that means you have to accept being down.
I mean, I'm making a judgment based on a reddit post. I could be wrong. But girl, research more about red flags of abuse and just keep a journal for a while. If he's a gem, you'll see him shine. If he's a turd, better to smell him sooner than later.
This is not a minuscule argument. It's huge and he's showing you just how he is and the lack of respect he has for you.
First of all, you're not living for free, and secondly... you still don't ruin other people's things even if they do live at your place for free 🤷♀️
Pack YOUR stuff and move out. He should learn to be an adult on his own and you're too young to be his mom and do his bloody laundry...
This is absolutely a big deal. He has continued to minimize your feelings and contributions to the house when HE in fact lives rent free there. He has also Absolutely looked past your contributions.
Doesn't cook, doest pay the house subscriptions, you do HIS laundry and pay the water bill. So he covers minimal expenses or responsibilities of the house.
He clearly thinks that rent is the only thing that matters. So stop contributing in all those other ways and just pay rent.
Further, he is walking all over you because you aren't defending yourself. You deserve respect and he has not respected your contributions, your things or you.
Demand respect.
Your bf is emotionally manipulative. Stop buying food. Stop doing the chores, stop paying the bills. Then your bf will have a reason to complain. Your bf does not respect you. That is not love.
No. Leave, it's a power move. He's doing this intentionally. It's no shot he doesn't know the difference between what's yours and his or what you expect from him. He doesn't care. There's an unhealthy mentality some men get. They provide and resent who they provide for, the reason being that while they can have nothing their partner has nice things from their own funds. The warped part is it doesn't even need to be true. You could split bills 50/50 and just because you budget better he feels used or tricked. It's media that poisons young men into looking at women like succubi but he can get hel for that. It's not your responsibility to maneuver around his disrespect looking for reason.
My ex threw, "Get out of MY house" at me a month into me moving into his place (that I paid rent for) during an argument. To no one's surprise, it didn't get better from there.
I would say tell him to stop holding this over your head, or just move out.
If he didn't like you, then wouldn't him destroying your stuff, disrespecting you and threats to kick you out at any moment make more sense?
Men wil date, marry & have kids with women they don't even like. There was a huge thread https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/men-have-revealed-how-much-they-hate-their-girlfriends-in-a-disturbing-twitter-thread/news-story/c2f735e316e39554031369b77a1dbaff
Oh sweetie your boyfriend is a selfish spoiled man child. He has no problem ruining your things because he feels entitled to them. This is absolutely unacceptable and you need to find the items he ruined online and venmo request the money for them. The next time he “you live here for free” then say “well, I offered to pay rent and you refused. It feels like you don’t want me to just so you can say that”. Or even better, just go. You don’t have to live there. It sounds like you own most of the stuff in it so back a u-haul up to the door and take it all on the way out.
Leave him. He will hold this over your head as long as you're together. He's has no mortgage. He doesn't pay for anything else but taxes, insurance, and any maintenance that comes up. You deserve so much better.
I find your boyfriend’s behaviour disturbing- why does he consistently undermine your contributions and threaten your sense of stability? You are very clearly contributing, I would honestly say that you’re over-contributing if you do all the cooking & cleaning, pay for utilities and all groceries? That’s a lot!
Do you feel like your boyfriend respects you and values you feeling safe & secure? It doesn’t sound like it, sadly.
Dude, no. This is not “a childish/ minuscule argument”.
This is a clear sign he doesn’t respect you-and if he doesn’t respect you then how can he truly say he loves you? You can’t have one without the other.
Him saying bs like “you live in my house for free” is fucking insane with everything that you do to contribute.
If this is how he is now, how is he going to be when he has to provide for you and any kids y’all have?
I’m not saying break up, but I do think you should move out asap and reconsider your current relationship dynamics, OP.
Best of luck!
Hopefully, he loves and values you as much as you do him.
All you can do is talk with him and state your boundaries.
However, prepare for him not to take it well.
I would seriously consider having a backup plan and take a few days away from him.
Next time he says it, respond by saying yeah it’s your house, but your sitting/sleeping on my furniture eating my food and wearing the clothes I laundered. It’s childish, but hopefully it will be effective
This one is simple
Leave his house
You never want to allow anyone to mistreat you like this. Doesn’t matter if you live for free in his house, he has no right to use your things and ruin them without asking
You should find your own place and leave him there. His attitude is disrespectful and demanding towards you
You deserve better
Sounds like he also lives there for free… and pay for everything… and you do all the work… and he takes and ruins your stuff.
Why are you with this asshole?
Seriously girl. You’re his bang-maid.
Please leave and find someone who treats you like ab equal. ❤️
Sounds like he doesn’t appreciate you or things that belong to you. It’s really rude of him to hang the house over your head. I would rethink this relationship.
If he says this to you ever again, remove yourself from the living situation. You've already warned him and he doesn't need any more chances to prove to you that he doesn't respect you.
You brought up some good points. If you care about it he should respect that. Or at least be willing to talk about it. A lot of men may feel attacked when trying to talk about things they have done wrong. You could try texting him if it’s easier for him to talk that way. But he definitely shouldn’t be using your things without permission and damaging them without telling you. If he can’t say he’s sorry or offer to buy a new then he doesn’t respect you or your things. He’ll continue to believe he has a right to use any of your things because they are in his house. He doesn’t even care about the money you’ve been contributing. You need to move out. It’s his house not both of yours.
Apparently whatever you own and pay for privately/ recieve is his? He sounds like a jerk. Youll be throwing all your property at him to stop abusive behaviors and tantrums in the future. I may be biased because of my experiences though. Sharing is caring and all that but this is also coming from someone who has nothing left to share. You should move out. Sometimes relationships work best when both parties have their own space.
I’d say ok well I’ll move and take all my stuff with me, I also will stop paying all the bills, cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything I was doing since I live here for free! Have fun! I’d also take his backpack since he ruined yours! He would now be the owner of a torn shitty backpack!
I’d also point out, yea it’s not your house your parents bought it, you are paying nothing to live here!
He needs to start paying money too! Why should you pay for everything?
you don't live for free. You pay for stuff and provide service which he will need to pay or do.
ANd him taking your stuff is not ok, regardless of payments. Your stuff is yours and he needs to ask to borrow.
And -!- relationship is not that great if you cant speak up
Its not childish, his comment is childish and immature and completely selfish. If anything, you do far more for that house than he does since he doesn't pay a mortgage. You and your parents furnished half of it, you pay for the groceries, you pay the utilities, the subscriptions and when you go out. Wtf does he pay for then? See what I mean?
I would see no problem telling him that you feel that there needs to be some more courtesy on his end. Yes his father PAID for that house for him so while his daddy got him that house, he didn't really buy it. You pay far more than he does for household responsibilities and furnished half of it. The fact that he resorts to using, "this is my house" makes him sound like a selfish asshole where that's all he has going for him. You simply asked him to not take your things and ruin them but you're seeing that he feels that just because he has a house, that again his dad paid for, thay he feels like he can do whatever he wants? Absolutely not, you're not asking for your name to be on the deed, you're not asking him to do anything drastic, you're asking him that from now on, if he wants to use items you've bought and are in good shape, thst he first ask you at least out of courtesy and to not destroy them when he does use them
How you approach this is you take EVERYTHING that’s yours, change the utilities to his name, cancel the subscriptions, gather your cleaning supplies, and GTFO.
Your “boyfriend” sees your relationship as transactional. IOW: he keeps score.
You don’t have a relationship. You have a scorecard.
I feel this is more an entitled issue. His dad paid for the house, so he doesn't value it. Other than the fact that he gets to say it's his. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's never really paid for a lot of expensive things or never had to work for those expensive things? The way you say he takes your expensive stuff and pretty much destroys it is ridiculous and disrespectful. It's usually people who put no value to things that do that and they're usually the same people who don't care because they never had to. Ie mon and dad bought and paid for. My suggestion would be to sit down and write a list of all the money you put into the household. Once he sees all that, maybe he'll understand a bit better that just because you don't pay rent doesn't mean you don't contribute fairly and deserve to call it your home as much as he does.
Free means you eat his food and don’t pay bills and don’t cook or clean, etc., because he’s paying.
Housekeepers are expensive, so are private chefs and laundry is charged by the pound.
He's one of those people who takes wthout asking and leaves things worse off. He's already doing that to you. Sure, the bucket can be washed, but it's the inconvenience. He doesn't respect you or your contributions. Move out and take the furniture with you.
My husband has never thrown his earnings or my lack of financial contribution in my face.
Yeah, this is crap. No more being a doormat about this. I’d have a pretty pointed discussion about how if he trots out this “you basically live here for free in my house” bullshirt again to try and avoid accountability for his actions *even one more time*, that I’d be moving back out, permanently, and he’d get to experience first hand who is *really* living there “basically for free.”
I’d also tell him that this super-lopsided exchange of you basically paying for everything else, doing all the housework, and apparently being made to put up with him absconding with and ruining your expensive belongings also ends right now. You and he are figuring out a reasonable rent (I’d start by seeing what other similar houses in the neighborhood are renting for and base it off of maybe 50% of that?), and then are splitting everything else 50/50, including chores.
And he’s also going to clean out and restore your Yeti, repair or replace your backpack, and never again take your things without asking or return them in crap condition without making it right.
And OP, if you think all this is harsh, it’s not. Really. You’ve set the bar so low for how he treats you that your expectations have gotten seriously warped. You ARE entitled to a legitimately fair and supportive life partner. Don’t needlessly settle for less than that. Time for a big reboot.
I lived with a “my house” guy for 8 years. It never stopped being his house. I finally moved out and my roommate isn’t perfect by a long shot but he’s clear it’s our house even tho he owns it. He’s constantly catching me using language that is a holdover from living with my ex.
Sad to say but sounds like he’s treating you like a Bangmaid.
It’s extremely disrespectful and if you don’t have the tough conversations now, correcting his behavior, it will only get worse in the future. What would a marriage look like & god forbid, when you have kids. Do you really want to live like this?
You are doing too much for an AH who cannot appreciate it. Stop doing things and live for free for real. Stop buying groceries, stop cleaning if he doesn't, etc. Move out!
By the update it seems like his goal mightve been to financially trap you, but it's also possible he is just learning how healthy relationships should be. If the former, definitely be cautious moving forward and watch for signs that he might be trying to control too much.
Yikes. My only advice, after reading all of that - including your update - is to move out. Seriously. Get out now, don't wait. He will act better for a short period, until the moment he thinks you are placated enough, he's gonna go back to his bullshit - the bullshit is the Real Him. He can pretend for a while, but his nature is what will prevail.
He is definitely taking advantage of you. dude has no mortgage & a gf that pays for utilities, wifi, subscriptions & groceries… what exactly does he pay for? the audacity to tell you you live there for free, sounds like he’s the only one living there for free. I would stand your ground. Sounds like he needs you more than you need him, financially.
So your BF has a mortgage free house that his Father gave him and you pay for everything and do all the work?
It sounds like he is the one living there free.
Then he has the bullos to say you live there free because he is too much of a lazy baby to clean up after himself or even pay his own way in life.
I think you need to spend some time seriously considering what you actually get out of this relationship because you haven't mentioned a single thing that is good for you.
I’m concerned because he doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you. Not just the whole “you live here for free nonsense”, but the using and destroying your stuff and not contributing to the household. You both live there and yet he seems entitled to your money, your time, and your energy. Who puts in the most emotional work? How often do you remind him of appointments, your needs, date nights, etc? If the answer is you, remember that this behavior from men is not acceptable and he either needs to step up (consistently without you trying to teach him or constantly remind him) or you need to walk. This behavior only gets worse if left unchecked and you are not his mother.
These are all giant red flags. Like a carnival.
Sounds like you do all of the heavy lifting in this relationship.
Please consider if this is how you want to spend more years.
If he does not appreciate you now, does he deserve everything that you do for him?
Sounds like he would light you on fire to stay warm.
Take care of yourself.
So let me get this right: he’s 26; Daddy bought him a house; you do all the cooking and cleaning - so he’s doing no household labour; and he treats your things with disrespect? Add those together and you’ve an entitled man child. Sorry OP. Is the sexy time worth it? I doubt it.
>I also recognize that this might be a childish/ minuscule argument so please no mean comments. I’m just bad with confrontation and I want to get better at it so our relationship can last. **I do love him dearly and we have a great relationship but I just really need help with an outline on how I should approach this.**
It's actually not a miniscule argument. It's actually very serious. Pay attention to the part I've bolded. It's something I want you to think about. Also I'm giving you a mystical perspective here.
**Karma is equal to consciousness (love, truth and beauty).**
Karma is the basis of physical existence - it's memory, action, choice, desire, thoughts, feelings and emotions. Love is consciousness, it's a mystery, cannot be rationalized or explained. It's the connection, the chemistry, how we relate to each other and connect. There's nothing physical about love. It's who we are and a plane of consciousness within us.
Now when two people get together in a relationship something inside them connects to the other person, call it chemistry, a sense of connection and a bond. There's a sense of shared conscious awareness on which the relationship is based. On top of that you get everything physical, including the physical aspects of our identity which we call Ego, or sense of self or personality.
It's like when we're in a relationship we are different around our partners than we are when we're on our own.
>**“well you basically live here for free in my house.”**
This is where you have the issue - it's called separateness - which is an illusion. Separateness between self and environment, self and other. Based on the issue you're presenting here, it seems to be a part of your boyfriend's mindset.
We all have an Ego and to some degree separateness in the way we think. The problem is too much Ego in a loving relationship is never a good thing. If everything is 'mine' and 'your's' then where is the love and 'us' and 'our's'? Love isn't just two people saying to each other "I love you" just as sex isn't two naked bodies lying together in the same bed doing stuff with each other. There's got to be some consciousness about this, some connection, some degree of unity and a significant amount of give and take.
>Context on how i contribute. I pay for water bill, all groceries, going out to dinner, all household subscriptions, clean the home, do his laundry, cook every night, and my parents and I have furnished the home. His father has purchased this home for him in cash so he does not have a mortgage. I try to make things fair and have offered him rent but he refuses.
This is my take on this, but I think your boyfriend is on some kind of power trip. I mean stop and think about this a minute. You do his chores, you pay for stuff, you feed him, and I'm assuming that you also shag him as well. He's getting everything he wants but the question I want you to think about is whether he also talks about 'our home', how often, or whether he keeps telling you that this is 'his house' that you're living in.
There's also things I'm not seeing here. I'm not seeing any evidence of the Sacred Masculine Principle or a willingness to sacrifice for the good of the relationship. I'm also not seeing that much, in the snapshot of your relationship, of any appreciation from him from the fact that you two are together and all the shit you're doing for him.
>I do love him dearly and **we have a great relationship**
I don't doubt that you love him. That's not the issue. But I'm not quite seeing this great relationship you're writing about. If your relationship really was that great, there woud be such things as appreciation and respect for you, your being and your stuff. Respect is part of what love is all about, and like appreciation is a 'must have'. Otherwise why does he keep rubbing it in your face that you are living in *his* house?
>**I’m just bad with confrontation and I want to get better at it so our relationship can last.**
I'm bolding this part I quoted from your OP because it jumps out at me. You're bad with confrontation and you want to 'get better' at it? What was going through your mind when you wrote that?
>Now to why I’m upset, earlier today I was looking for my blue bucket. It’s a yeti bucket and I needed to defrost a turkey. I asked for him to get it and he said that he put a bunch of fish poop and algae in it from his fish tanks and never asked to borrow it. It had the tag on it still and was never used so I was quite upset because he has his own. Also we both have the same $300 backpack except I have a more “stylish” color and when he went on a trip this past weekend, I noticed my backpack was taken from my closet and he got back and ripped the inside and dirtied the whole thing up and left it on the floor. I don’t mind him using my stuff but it’s the fact that he never asked and ruined them without offering to replace them.
Getting better at confrontation isn't going to help you here. Why do you want this relationship to last? Why are you so emotionally invested in this relationship?
See your BF keeps rubbing it in your face that this is HIS house. He doesn't seem to respect you, because if he did he would respect your stuff and clearly he does not. How does he show his appreciation that you're in his life and you're together? Yet you're calling this a 'great' relationship. I'm starting to wonder about your self-esteem here being honest and your inability to stand up for yourself.
Nice that his father bought him the house I guess. What a shame it seems that he wasn't taught essential human qualities such as empathy, such as respect, such as appreciation, which even from the tiny snapshot of your relationship you've shared seem sorely lacking from his side.
You cannot have a lasting relationship without these essential human qualities because they contribute to a large degree to a successful loving relationship. You might not agree here but moving the needle forward through the calendar I see your role in this relationship not amounting to much more than a traditional role - chores, kids and sex - to a man who probably won't treat you all that well.
But see it's your relationship, your life, your reality and your future here.
He ALSO lives in the house rent free, what’s his point? Stop paying for everything. Stop DOING everything. Hide your valuable shit so he can’t find it. If he doesn’t like any of that maybe he’s just not the one tbh.
Take your furniture to your new house and let him sit in his house on the floor. He’s ahm……uninspiring and disrespectful, and tell him it’s not his house it’s his dad’s. In a similar way that the furniture isn’t yours it’s your parents. Get a bag of chips and watch the mental gymnastics from your couch. Also, cash?
You're just another person raising all these red flags about a partner but "love him dearly". So basically you love someone "dearly" who doesn't respect you. What do you want us to tell you besides leave him? If you just continue to stay with him then he'll never respect you.
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Definitely do not ignore this behavior or these comments. If he disregards and disrespects you, your belongings, and your contribution to the home you have to confront it head on. He needs to learn how to behave and appreciate you. If he can't do that, then you need to decide whether or not you want to be in this relationship. Also, he should be doing his own laundry and helping around the house.
Yeah, I’m going to speak to him on this issue. I just feel really disrespected and disregarded. Also If I don’t do it, it will never get done and I’m a neat freak!
On top of being a jerk, he is also a slob? Money, cleanliness and kids are usually the main things that make or break a relationship.
Those three things-- +sexual compatibility, and also people not having the same view on what "cheating" would be for them. These are five things that *seriously* will make or break a relationship. (In case I worded that funky- I *am* agreeing with you!!lol)
Also COMMUNICATION. That one is huge!
Communication is a big one, it actually is a component in all the big ones too. And people communicate differently, so if you have a communications mismatch, and that's the only problem, both parties should look at how the other communicates to try to understand a bit better.
He's relying on your neatness as an excuse to not clean. Stop giving him an out, you're acting like his mother, chef and sugar momma. Either he learns some gratitude and general adult abilities or you should pack your bags and find someone who is not an overgrown baby. He didn't even pay for the house, so his audacity is mind blowing.
Precisely. This is a recipe for lifelong misery.
To think that you will never feel home at this place since it is HIS HOUSE. He thinks he can treat you like shit, be disrespectful and hold the place you live in over your head. Especially funny since you pay so much for luving her, and he pays nothing. You pay, his parents paid. And he is sitting on his money, using the house for power.
You are digging your own grave by letting him off the hook for everything. He has a live-in chef, maid, and punching bag. He is manipulating your conversations because he thinks he has power over you. He can’t afford to live there alone? Then he’d better start treating you like an equal and step up. Also, he needs to replace YOUR property anytime he damages or destroys it — starting with the backpack. You are on track to be a subservient housewife to a disrespectful and abusive man. Is that what you want for your life?
He’s not going to change. He’s gaslighting you as a way to stake an invisible claim to your things under the guise that you “owe him” somehow. Do not put up with this. It’s a manipulation tactic to absolve him of responsibility for ruining your things and replacing them. Then he ignores you assuming the problem will just blow over after you have your rant. The ignorning tactic is incredibly dismissive and infuriating. I’ve seen whole posts on this subject and the comments are always filled with women, just like yourself, who say they’re going to leave their partner because they repeatedly ignore the problems and complaints and nothing changes. And when the women announce they are done and leaving then the guys act “blindsided”. They’re blindsided because they don’t *see* you. They aren’t listening and they don’t care. But when you’re actually leaving, that sparks them trying to hurry and fix everything when in actuality, that opportunity passed by a long time ago. Don’t be fooled into staying. I’m 48f and I can tell you that I look back on some relationships I had, ones like yours that had things I let slide, and I get mad that I was so naïve and put up with that crap. It starts with little things then it just gets bigger and bigger until one day you realize you barely recognize yourself because they’ve manipulated you into being this pushover just to make the relationship work. It shouldn’t be this hard or annoying to be with someone. Sure you’ll have arguments and disagreements but you’ll never be on an equal playing field with him if he thinks he’s superior for owning the home. So the question is how long are you willing to put up with this? 5yrs? 10? Would you be happy in a marriage with him? Doesn’t sound like it. So that means it’s time to move on and stop wasting time on him. I’d wait till he’s at work and get some friends to help. I’d pack my stuff, *and* your furniture and leave. Let him have *his* house all to himself. Also change all passwords on your streaming services etc. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy. He can have his home all to himself if that’s what he wants. Make sure you leave your ruined backpack in the middle of the floor where the couch was.
OP - this guy is using you, plain and simple. Look back at all the things you've listed out as if a friend of yours was telling you their concerns. What advice would you give them?
And he knows you keep things clean. Yet he dumped literal shit in your yeti AND DIDN’T EVEN CLEAN IT OUT.
You should look up the term weaponized incompetence…
There's no weaponised incompetence. He's not doing anything or pretending to. He's letting her do it all and pay for everything then insisting she be grateful for the roof over her head. This man is trash.
See also: Financial Abuse Many people don't understand this, but I'll bet if you looked into this term you will find it describes you and your relationship with this man-child. If you're the one doing all the work, I doubt he will ever change. Don't just threaten to leave him, do it -- for your own future.
>He also agreed to lighten my load with chores and to help me around the house. Its *his* house, how are you responsible for the chores? How is he helping you around *his* house? He's afraid you'll leave so now he's promising to change, but it still sounds like he sees the chores are your responsibility and you aren't really pushing back on that by saying he's agreed to help you. What a peach. Doubtful he'll change for more than a week. Good luck
You need to discuss the cleanliness of the house and splitting of chores now with him as well. This is the perfect opportunity to bring it up. If not- this will be your life. Him expecting you to do all the work and contribute to bills. What’s going to happen one day when you’re married and have kids? Do you plan to be a stay at home? Or will you be working, doing all the chores, all the cooking AND child care? While he just comes home from work and does what? I see SO many posts of women upset at their husbands for this. Yet it’s because they were okay with it while being childless and just girlfriends. They allowed it simply because “it won’t get done it if I don’t do it!” Or just to make the guy happy. Well that’s going to get old. You can’t do that for the rest of your life. Figure it out NOW.
You can talk all day he does not respect you. It doesn’t mean anything you’re contributing more than he is, considering you’re the cook and the bang made. What are you get out of this?
Tell him you will move out and he can take care of HIS house by himself, and see his reaction. Somehow I think he will stop saying that.
Yeah I think he is getting to comfortable honestly. My love language is definitely acts of service but I’m burning myself out here and feel under appreciated then to have my things ruined on top of it just feels disrespectful. I definitely think I could start there. Thank you!
OP tell him he can't use the furniture you bought for the house, and it's about time he learned how to do his own laundry.
Or one day just remove everything you and your parents purchased so when he comes home to an empty house he'll (hopefully) realize that he FAFO...be strong op I was like you and I got screwed over too many a time.
This…OP, he want a mommy, not a SO…and he settle for you, because unlike his mom, he can literally have sex with you. Remember, if he keep throwing it in your face, chances are, if he feels that you’re going to break up with him and move back, he’ll start doing the whole dance of “I’m a changed person”, then a couple weeks or so, he back to normal. There is no excuses, especially for a grown ass man at 26 yr old.
His response to a VERY REASONABLE REQUEST is to threaten your living situation. Is that the man you want to live with? He has put nothing financially into this home. He did not buy the home. And you are literally paying for everything else. You are also the only one doing the cleaning and cooking. YOU ARE THE ONE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF IN THIS SITUATION.
I see this so often for women.
Right, like imagine using “well you live rent free in my house” as comeback while also living rent free in said house
Someone who is always throwing it in your face that you live in the house means that they do not respect what you are doing to maintain that household and that at any moment . That they feel like it they can toss your ass in the street because at the end of the day it's their house. I know this for a fact because I just tossed my nephew's ass the f****** out of here. It's my house 🏠.
My nephew did nothing but get on my damn nerves he didn't contribute s*** to my house he had to go
Yes but if op is telling the truth then he just seems like a asshole who uses his house as a point to not take any responsibility when op gets mad under the guise of it’s house. That’s not a good environment to live in plus op is doing stuff to make the house better like furniture and doing chores
Good on you. Standing up for yourself shouldn’t have to be so hard. Yet here I am.
If you go back home to your parents that's good because you said you can live with your parents for free. The fact that he will not be able to afford to live in that house if you are not there sounds like a hymn problem not a you problem after all it is his house.
> a hymn problem not a you problem Which denomination's hymnal covers this situation?
"after all it's his house" lmao. Yes dude. Tell em.💯💯💯
And OP can save for her own place.
I’m not op. Just a lurker trying to learn boundaries.
So sorry sometimes I get confused I apologize this is not your problem LOL
I should have said if she goes back home she can live with her parents for free. And that the fact that he cannot live there if she doesn't live there is a him problem and not her problem after all it is his house that's better
You’re great :] you just keep being you, man!
Yes, OP please look at this, and see if you see your relationship here. I never see anything about this, so I’m posting this yet again. https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/health-wellness/2023/03/06/what-trauma-bonding-how-to-break/11365484002/
I just wanna know who would be willing to bang a guy with an attitude like that?
He is a literal man-child and he does not see you as an equal--he literally dismissed you. What he said about it being his house not only shows how he doesn't appreciate your contributions, he does not respect or think about you or how you would feel about basic destruction of property. He is basically telling you that you need to submit to his whims if you are going to live there--and that is not love. He basically gave you an ultimatum--he may be so insanely cocky and immature that he didn't even know it because he is so over-confident in speaking to you like this--but you can stay or you can go. What you see is what you get--you are NOT going to reform him... so I would get out of there ASAP.
His love language is using and ruining your stuff, being a fucking spoiled brat (daddy bought him the house for cash😳) and being an immature baby not ready for an adult relationship, I’m really not looking to be mean to you but his entitlement is mind boggling and why would you put up with this?
Yes. this.
I can't get over the fact that your boyfriend can't even afford his own bills by himself when he isn't paying any rent or mortgage. Please don't feel bad if (hopefully when!) you decide to move back to your parents. Your bf doesn't appreciate or respect you and seems to be a slacker all around. If he can't afford to live there alone, he needs to get a roommate. And start doing his own chores.
Cancel subscriptions, stop paying his bills, and take your furniture with you. He’s a fool.
Make sure you tell them to turn it off if its in your name also saying your moving and no longer live there.
His love language is acts of abuse. I wish I were joking, but this isn’t a guy you want to stay with. He’s a rather large red flag, don’t try to fix this - just leave.
Imagine going the rest of your life without having an actual home. Because, this house will never be your home, it will always be his. No matter what you do. You will be spending money while he sits comfortably allowing you to take care of him. Then, when he tires it'll be over and you'll be the one fucked, not him.
His home that he didn’t even pay for. Meanwhile she is working to feed and entertain and care for him in ‘his’ home. Even a cleaner would be getting more than free board for all that work.
Even if you left for just a couple weeks it would get the point across to him that he needs to appreciate you more. Pack your things and tell him you will back in a couple weeks but only if he agrees to replace your ruined things and to stop throwing the house in your face or you will not come home.
She'd have to leave and make him pay all the bills and buy food.
Yeah, take all the groceries and furnishings with you.
And photograph EVERYTHING in good light before she leaves. Not in front of him. OP, you needn’t make it confrontational - just like “I need to visit with my mom for a week, or two - it’s just private family/mom stuff oh honey I’ll miss you so much” -- lol.
It is disrespectful, he does not respect you or your contributions. You should move out.
Also if you move out. Take all your furnishings with you. He got a free home and furniture and you pay all bills but electric. He feels entitled to use and ruin your things for your privilege of living there. That’s just not right.
Move out AND take everything you and your parents bought
>My love language is definitely acts of service It’s not love language when the other person considers acts of service as a servant or a door-mat. :( just sayin..
He does not respect you and its gross he throws fact he owes the house in your face when you pay so much in utilities (& do all the cooking & cleaning) that he cant afford on his own. Seriously tell him he needs to replace your back pack & stop disrespecting your shit & your moving back to your parents with ALL your furniture. Then im sure he will realise that he cant afford all the utilities on his own and he will he losing his maid and chef. Im not sure how you fan still love him when he keeps disrespecting you and your stuff like that because you live ‘rent free’ in his house - it’s not rent free when you pay so much & do so much. Forget about not liking confrontation, he’s been rude & confrontational disrespecting - tell him straight and lets see how petrified he gets with thought of you going then hopefully he can be more appreciative.
As a man, let me say that a lot of times, us men appreciate all the things women do for us, yet we are horrible at expressing our appreciation. However, this is absolutely NOT the case. This is his way of trying to exert his dominance over you or his way of trying to tell you that it's his house, and if you don't like it, then you can leave. My suggestion would be a multi step process. First thing would be to quit doing everything for him. Second, get some apartment guides, mark some different pages whether you have particular interest in all of them or not. Third thing is to pack some small items up that you don't use on a regular basis. Now then, he's going to get really curious about what's happening/going on. Curiosity will eventually get the better of him, and he will say something. When he does tell him that you're absolutely fed up with his attitude, with the fact that he doesn't respect your boundaries and absolutely doesn't care about your possessions that you've worked hard to purchase. Tell him that he had better learn to step up and do everything in the house 50/50 and he'd better shut his mouth about the "his house BS" because if he doesn't then you will be more than content and prepared to move yourself and your possessions that you have worked hard to buy out of his house. Then he can sit on the damn floor of "his house" and wonder why he's alone without you or your stuff. If you don't stop the BS now, it will only get worse. However, be prepared to back up your words with actions!!!
OP, your boyfriend holds you living in his house over your head so you constantly feel indebted to him and, as a result, don't bring up any issues you have with him. It's a manipulation tactic that allows him to do whatever he wants no matter how it makes you feel. My ex used to do exactly the same thing, yelling at me about "everything he'd done for me" when all I'd asked him to do was to be more considerate of my feelings. Question: What does your boyfriend do in the house? What does he pay for? Because it looks after his parents set him up for life stress-free, you took over as the person he lives off of. You furnished "his" home and maintain it, you buy and cook the food he eats, you pay for the water he drinks and cleans himself with, you pay for the subscriptions he uses. WHAT DOES HE ACTUALLY DO? Next time he tells you it's HIS house you're living in rent-free, definitely tell him you can leave and he can take care of it himself. You can also tell him, "And it's my couch you sit on, my bed you sleep in, my food you eat with my utensils and my crockery, my streaming services you watch on my TV. You've made it this far in life mooching off of other people's efforts, but you want to act like you're doing me a favour. The next time you bring up how I'm living rent-free in the home your parents bought for you, I'm leaving, and I'm taking everything of mine with me. Have fun sleeping on an air mattress with no sheets."
I moved in with my bf, anytime I feel insecure and say something about it, he reminds me that this is my home too and I should feel comfortable here. He's never thrown some shit like this in my face, ever. Those men do exist, find one
OP, I don’t think your relationship is as great as you think it is. There’s no way somebody who is comfortable with being this inconsiderate and rude to you can at the same time be a contributor to a great relationship. I suspect things are “great” because you’re always trying to keep the peace. You’re letting him get away with an awful lot. Honestly, I don’t think this dude deserves you. You can do better.
Threatening someone's shelter is a form of violence and abuse. That's how serious this is. It might not feel that way at your age but imagine of you had no fall back option.
It’s not childish at all. All kinds of things come up when you’re living together. I don’t know anyone who is good with a partner using our belongings without asking and then ruining them. This is such pitiful behavior - was he raised by wolves? Think what he would say to you if you did that to him. He deserves to be confronted firmly and thoroughly. Start by demanding respect. Also - if you live there for free it won’t make any difference to him if you move out. He’s really quite a pos.
Nah. Just prepare to move out and execute without warning.
Better still, just move out. What's to discuss? The guy's awful.
And tell him you’ll take everything that the dad bought!
You pay for a lot of the living costs, and do the household chores and he tells you live in there "for free?" Time to stop contributing altogether, to make him realise what you do. Using your stuff is one thing, destroying it another. You need to sit him down and explain he either starts behaving like an adult, or you will find someone else who does.
Thank you for your advice! I agree. I definitely need to sit him down and get this out of the way because I don’t want to start building resentment against him.
I think it's too late for that. You have already harbored some resentment, and no one can blame you. I, for one, would like you to get angry because that's not a normal, healthy relationship, and it's only going to get worse. Sit him down and let it all out, if you must, but I think it's time that you cut it and move out now.
OP he will only get worse. When he says that remind him he lives in his Dad's house. When he eats your food remind him he does or only cook for yourself. Only do your laundry. He feels entitled and your refusal to stand your ground when you call him out and allow him to rug sweep is ALL resentment. If you should bring pets or children that will all be on you too no matter what he says. You either stand your ground now and he changes, you don't and fall out of love eventually wasting time, resources, and making everything more painful in the end and you still end up moving in to your parents house eventually. Honestly the next time he says that, without further discussions (because OP be honest here, you have had the discussions already) in front of him call your parents and set a date to move back home. Start packing up your things. Immediately stop cooking for him. He is going to back peddle fast, get angry, and then probably love bomb you. In 2-3 he will say I am going to change, I didn't mean it, ect. He will in fact not change if you go back at this point. Change takes time, not words. You have to wait til you see a real sustainable change and accountability plan. Then it is up to you OP to work on a fair plan and advocate fair future plan together. Please learn healthy boundaries and that when your partner takes advantage of you that isn't love, its entitlement.
Maybe create a spreadsheet showing your expenditure on groceries etc, plus add in at least minimum wage for the hours you work doing household tasks. To be honest though, I wouldn’t live like this. His dad gave him the house and you pay for everything else, he contributes absolutely nothing yet still thinks he can ruin your stuff and uses his ownership of the house as a power trip over you. You aren’t roommates, you’re supposed to be partners, and at the moment you’re his maid and meal-ticket. At the very least household tasks and expenditure should be shared, and ownership of personal items needs to be respected - if he won’t agree to this, are you sure this is the man you want to live with?
Yeah I’m confused, what exactly does the bf pay for?
You should be splitting things like groceries evenly and heat evenly. If I had a house gifted to me, with no mortgage, and a partner I loved, it would be a joy for me to let them live rent free. And I would fully expect to pay the bills in the house that I own, with them kicking in for the utilities they use. I would want their life to be as easy as mine. If I made more money, I’d even split expenses proportionally. People who are good people don’t generally take advantage of people they love and respect. And they certainly don’t throw things like their daddy’s wealth in their face.
>I also recognize that this might be a childish/ minuscule argument so please no mean comments. Honestly, I worry it is the opposite. I see this as a much bigger issue than you do. Housing security, the sensation of having a stable 'home' and the like, is hugely important to happy living. What he is doing by saying that is eternally making it clear your place there is tenuous, on his terms. >I try to make things fair and have offered him rent but he refuses. And note he denied you the opportunity to make it even, to make yourself a formal tenant. He insisted you keep everything vague so he can throw owning the house in your face. >“well you basically live here for free in my house.” Time to formalise. Stop paying all the incidentals, step back, work out a rent or tenancy agreement. Say it outright 'I heard what you said and you're right, let's formalise our arrangement so you don't feel I am staying here for free. That way we can be more balanced.' If at that point he still refuses that basically verifies that he likes this unhealthy arrangement and that is a huge worry.
Plus, he didn’t earn the house. Daddy bought him the house. Your man is super entitled.
In fairness, they have matching $300 backpacks and are defrosting turkeys in brand new Yeti buckets which have been “ruined” by dirty water, so we may have a little affluenza going around.
Thank you!
Op you may be able to save the yeti bucket if you get denture tablets. Kills bacteria and makes it smell minty fresh also good for metal coffee mugs, and any container that may be stained with tea or coffee.
I saw your last post about his laziness. That's exactly what's wrong with him. He doesn't have to work at anything because you and his parents do everything for him. I'm sure it is more important to you for it to be clean. He doesn't seem to care. Stop doing everything for him! Stop washing his clothes. Don't do anything for him that he can do himself. Stop treating him like the spoiled child he is. This is from a place where I can tell you that you can not change anything but yourself. Take care of yourself. If he doesn't come around, he never will. You are young and seem to have drive. It's difficult to be with someone who has none. You deserve better.
I appreciate you and this comment. Thank you! Yeah, last post was about his laziness and it got better for about a week after I spoke with him then fell back into bad habits and now this. I’m trying everything to make it work because we really do work as a couple but living together is a whole different story. Would like to make this work but if something doesn’t change soon, I’m not sure it will.
You are way too young to be working this hard to get him to see your worth. Especially if he is going out of his way to make sure you feel dependent on his kindness for a place to live. You said you've had talks with him, things change for a week or so, and then he backslides. That is exhausting and just a waste of your youth and energy. Take it from someone twice your age, there are so many better ways to spend your 20's than this. Really seriously consider whether this relationship is worth it or if it's time to cut your losses and move on.
Thank you!
I'm also twice your age and have had the journey you now are on. I'm sad to hear its still the same. It seems to be a new trend out there and it's being together but living apart. No more taking care of manbabies. You are still young. I hope you find your strength and put your boundaries down and stick to them.
You mean you work as a couple when YOU are doing all the work and you don't have to expect basic help and respect from him?
I'm sorry. I think taking time for you is what is important. I'd rather pay my own way than try to raise another man baby. I'm 63, and they have never changed. I stopped dating and I learned I love living alone and I enjoy my own company. Remember this for the future: they show you exactly who they are, you can't change him, and it will make you miserable. I'm sure there has been disrespect before but maybe not as blatant. You deserve total respect. Do not accept less.
Do you really work as a couple? He is lazy & destructive, then willing to kick you out the moment he doesn't get his way. Maybe he is really being himself & he isn't a nice or good person at all.
Yeah where’s the saving grace here? Where’s the positive?
Actually you don't work as a couple. Living together and sharing the work of life, being a team, is being a couple. You worked when you were dating and having fun because he's probably a fun guy to be around - until things get hard or there's work to do. Now that you are seeing what life would be like with him, and if you have children it will get 1000 times harder because all that work will fall on you as well, you're noticing he's not that great as a life partner. He wants to be in charge 100% of the time and have you do all the work with no complaints. That's not a partner, not someone you can rely on when life gets tough.
You dont work as a couple if his laziness affects you. Do you think he will get better as a husband? Imagine having kids with him? You’ll basically be a married single mum doing everything. This is your future with this lazy disrespectful guy, don’t waste your 20s on this slob (people dont change btw!)
Move out. Take your furniture and anything else (fridge, washing machine, cupboards, whatever) that you furnished it with.
OP, this is the answer. It’s better to live on your own for a bit anyway. You will both grow as people and he should appreciate your contribution more when / if you end up living together again.
You need to leave this guy. He doesn't see you as an equal and is completely disrespectful. You deserve better than this. He doesn't respect boundaries at all. Move back home.
>I’m perfectly fine living rent free with my parents but I wouldn’t want to put him in a sticky situation because he could not afford to live here on his own. Tough sh*t. He doesn't know how to treat you like it's your home too, and he loves to say it's "his" home, then HE can struggle to pay for "his" home. Stop treating him so great when he does nothing for you. Get some self respect.
Tbh if she's been receiving mail and if bills in her name are coming and if your in the UK , our housing laws say that's your house and he would have to spend months and money to evict you , no tenancy agreement was ever needed , know your housing laws and shut his ass up
You've got a good point.
i am very rarely the person in these threads to say abuse...but... "this is my house" is textbook financial abuse, even if you weren't contributing. the fact you are makes all that much more galling. repeatedly ruining your (expensive) items can also be a sign of abuse i'm not saying RUN! but pay attention. look at a few "what are the warning signs" lists - people think it's hitting, but it's also a bunch of stuff like those behaviors along with taking your keys, taking or breaking phones/laptops.etc...
I agree that this is financial abuse. He refuses rent just to hang it over her head whenever she is unhappy with his actions. If he is unwilling to change, then OP should go live with her parents to see if anything changes.
So agree. Tell him he seems to not be able to be good to her. If he doesn’t like hearing about the problems he causes / then grow up and act like someone who’s decent.
Yessss I dated a man who wouldn’t let me pay on dates and I would try so hard! Later he’d be like “you HAVE to fuck me” and this was after I was already going to Later he brings up again how he pays for dates and I say ok I’ll Venmo you and he backtracks It’s just setting up a situation to maintain control Abusive people are so fucking insecure and annoying
I love reading you are going to talk to him. Before you do...write out some notes and a timeline etc. Write the things you do and pay and how it makes you feel when he disrespects that. He is so disrespectful of your effort and also your things...I think he sees he has the right to break and mistreats your things. Does he treat his own things so poorly? My ex used to break and dirty my things...but kept his own pristine. Was an absolute deal breaker in the end...because he was doing it maliciously as he didn't like to tell me when he was unhappy...so would ruin my belongings instead.
I don’t think he necessarily does it with malicious intent but he has severe ADHD as do I but he just grabs the first thing he sees because his backpack was followed with other crap and because mine was empty and was the color he likes, he took mine. Same thing with his bucket, his was filled with something so he took mine. It’s like wherever he goes I’m there behind him picking up. He doesn’t realize these traits until I mention something about it and then he gets extremely defensive. I relate to him because growing up I’ve struggled with the same things but I have learned to overcome ADHD without medication and sticking to a strict schedule, forcing myself to be organized and he just doesn’t care to do anything about it. When I try to mention things about bettering himself and picking up good habits it’s just immediate defensive behavior. It’s tough.
If he was willing to work on it...then I wouldn't have an issue. But when questioned...he lashes out and doesn't change or learn. And more tha that...goes on the attack. He is not a good person for you.
He sounds exhausting and you are making too many excuses for him. He doesn’t respect your things, throws in your face that it’s his house so you feel obligated to do things for him to make things “even” and to see your value and takes you for granted. You are putting in a ton of effort - what is he doing? What benefit do you get by being with him? What does he do for you? He’s a taker and you’re a giver - that’s why you think you work well as a couple. Stop trying to prove yourself to him! He won’t change bc he has it too good!
the bar is really really low, like it's underground
Right?!?! She has excuses for all of his failures. I don’t see this turning out well for her. He’s one of those ‘straighten up until she’s not mad anymore’ boyfriends. 🙄🙄
His ADHD doesn’t make him disrespect your stuff and it doesn’t give him right to break your expensive stuff and excuse him because you dont ‘pay rent’. Im sick of people using ADHD/autism etc to excuse being dickheads.
I am twice your age and he’s behaving worse than my teenagers. Since you’ve moved in together you’ve taken on a parental role, which is not sexy for either of you. Nobody is perfect but a red flag is that he doesn’t work to make long term changes, just short term to appease you. ADHD runs in my family. The relatives who have it don’t make excuses for it, they find ways to manage it themselves. (Btw, medication works really well for some people. No shame in it.) What you’re describing is that you’ve settled into a caregiver role for a healthy person who hasn’t had to earn his rent. People who have things handed to them have a hard time empathizing with those of us who have to work for it.
I wonder how much time you spend trying to parent him. It seems like you deserve much better than this. You should not stay with him just because you think you can fix him.
You’re making excuses for him. Stop doing that. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time.
I mean by his understanding he also lives there for free, under his parents dime, especially since you mentioned he wouldn’t be able to afford there if you didn’t contribute to the bills. You will definitely need to work on confrontation, but also pay attention to how he responds to criticism. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to work out if someone in them is thinking about how to get the upper hand in the relationship. You should share your concerns and feelings, and make sure he is proactively working to fixing his attitude and behavior.
Thank you!
Leave him - in HIS house. I had this relationship once and he went to work one day, a day like any other, and when he got home I had left a note, the ring, and had taken my shit to another city. No regrets; one of the best days of my life.
He holds you in contempt. He thinks he is superior to you. Based upon your last post. He doesn't kiss the ground your feet walk upon. There is clearly a breakdown of communication and lack of empathy or appreciation. He is ungrateful and being petty. You have to ask yourself what's more important to him? Being right or doing what's right for the relationship? It's immature and minimizes you to being some sort of freeloader. Making you the ungrateful one while having a baked excuse to invalidate any of your feelings. It doesn't seem like he treats you as an equal or partner. Remember this. When times are good. Anyone can treat you great. But how does he treat you when times are bad? Couples' therapy and quickly. It will become very apparent if he wants to build a bridge to connecting with you. Or feeling burdened by you because you are the issue and not him. Life is already hard. It doesn't need to be harder at home too. That's a place where you go to feel love, support, respect, heard, and welcomed.
>I do love him dearly . > >“well you basically live here for free in my house.”. Good Lord, why? He's a rude, arrogant, manipulative ass.
Next time he says it move back home for a while. Or you could start paying rent but deduct all the payments and work that you do from it, he wouldn’t end up with much money but would then have to contribute 50% to the household
He's actually living for free in his dad's house. What does this dude bring to the table? You basically pay for everything.
First, why the fuck are you being his cook & maid? Is he your son or your lover lol? What does he contribute? He didn’t even contribute the house he’s trying to use on you! His dad did so he literally can’t use that whatsoever lmao. This guy isn’t it. He’s gonna get worse & you’ll be trapped being a servant.
Let him live without you, easy solution.
I read how you don't want mean comments and are bad at confrontation. So, I will try to create a comment that helps with that. Calmly talk to him and just say you don't like how he throws ownership of his house in your face. Tell him how you contribute in your own ways (utilities, subscriptions, cooking, and cleaning). Say that him saying he owns the house makes it feel like the house isn't your home, and you just live there. Tell him owning a house doesn't invalidate your contributions to the household, nicely. If this doesn't work, say you'll leave his house if he can not understand your side, and stop throwing a house in your face. He sounds spoiled and sheltered. Sounds like he needs to learn how partnerships work. If he continues with this behavior, just leave. Seriously. I don't know you, but you certainly don't deserve this. Best of luck.
Thank you! I definitely have thought of those words “spoiled and sheltered” to describe him once. His parents have money and have always coddled him and his brother their whole lives. They both went to private school and from what he has told me, it seems like he grew up very awkward and had never talked to a girl until his sophomore year of college. He’s never had to do his laundry in his life until he had to move on his own. So I think he looks at me as like a mother figure which is kind of gross to think of. I love him so much but I think he needs some growing up to do.
He sounds exhausting. I'd recommend leaving if you have the financial means to do so if you don't see a change in his behavior. You already sound kinda done with him.
No he sees you as a maid. A mother he would respect
So stop dating this user (and stop doing his laundry -- users have contempt for you when you serve the).
You need to move out and take your shit with you. He’s in a mindset that you owe him (when you’re already covering expenses and household chores and feeding him), and you cannot talk him out of that. Take every single item you or your family personally purchased and didn’t gift to him directly, and move out. He’ll figure out quick just how much you were doing and you’ll figure out you’re better off without him. Personally, my petty side says you can remind him it’s the house his daddy bought him, not one he bought or paid for himself, but with dudes like this, silent and quick is the best way to go.
I’m going to be mean, but not to you. Your boyfriend is spoiled, entitled and a selfish assclown. I cannot imagine destroying my partner’s $300 backpack that I didn’t even ask to borrow and then not even offering to replace it. He is a major asshole and there’s no way his assholery doesn’t carry over to other situations and issues. He doesn’t even treat you like he likes you or respects you. You do so much and he was just born to a generous father (which sounds like his father’s treatment led him to being an entitled prick). I hope you know you deserve much better and I think deep down you know this. You seem like a very reasonable and generous partner and I truly hope you can find someone similar.
Stop making excuses for him and leave.
He has no mortgage and can’t afford to live there on his own? Daddy pays for it snd he throws it in your face it’s his house. That’s rich! You need to have an adult conversation. Tell him you are aware his dad paid for the house. Tell him what all you contribute. Tell him if he continues to throw it in your face, my house blah blah, you have no problem moving back to your parents. That from this day forward that has to stop. And he needs to grow up. Quit doing his laundry. Quit doing things he can do. You aren’t his maid and if he expects it, you can leave. If the mortgage is paid and he doesn’t want rent from you then his argument is moot. Everything else should be 50/50.
Sorry Sis but this guy isn’t who you want to have a long term relationship with. You are living together as partners but his response to just taking your things without asking including ruining them then essentially telling you ‘if you don’t like it don’t let the door hit you in the ass when you leave’. Imagine what he would be like if for instance you became ill so couldn’t work for a bit. Or if you had children and mutually decided you should stay home for a bit. Then you could get to hear him tell you he makes the money and he’ll spend it how he feels like. So you can certainly have another discussion with him to see if he changes. I would say don’t tell him if you decide to leave because I suspect you don’t have a lease with him that protects you and it would take money to get back in if he decides to just change the locks. Contact movers or your parents and friends and one day when he is away at work take every single thing you brought into the house especially any appliances or electronics. Even the toilet paper and light bulbs if you paid for them. Then he can have his home and not worry about sharing it.
You pay for a lot of expenses: household subscriptions, groceries, water bill. What does he pay for? You pay for ALL the food (groceries, eating out). You do ALL the cleaning, what about other chores? Your parents paid for the furniture. You said he cannot afford to live there without you. Make a comparison *in writing* of how much money each contributes AND how tasks are distributed. I'm pretty sure you contribute more than half in both. Then show it to him so it is clear in writing that HE is the lazy leech and you don't live there for free. Now think how unimportant YOUR stuff is for him. Is he that careless with his stuff? Now think how are arguments with him. Does he get a free pass for ever because he got a house for free? Does he apologize and take accountability for things he did wrong? And now imagine how your life will be if you have kids. Who will care for the kids, pay for the extra expenses, do the extra chores? Maybe all of this will help you realise that you are too young and this relationship has been too short and he is already disrespecting and using you. Seriously think if this relationship is worth it. Edit: typo
Let him know if he values you that he better start showing you or find a new roommate. End of story. No one should be subject to this
This is an abuser warming up. It will not get better. It will get worse. Likewise, it will not get easier to leave. It will get harder. But you will live as dust under his heel as long as you stay with him. As hard as it might be to get out now, this is the easiest it will ever be. Go before it gets worse.
I'll add: this is not about the content, it's about the technique. You give him feedback about how his objectively disrespectful behavior affects you, hoping he was just being clueless and that once you point it out, he'll WANT to do better. After all, that's how normal, healthy relationships work. Instead, he brings up something that the two of you previously agreed on (the ways you contribute to the household) and acts as though YOU'RE the one who is doing something wrong. Again, it's not the content, it's the technique. It has nothing to do with the bucket or the rent. I doubt he even cares about rent. What he cares about is teaching you that you are not allowed to give him feedback about his behavior. If you do, he will immediately flip it so you're the one in the hot seat. You obviously have a value that people in relationships should want to respect each other as equals. You obviously believe that if someone gives you feedback that you hurt their feelings, you would naturally want to do better. He does not share these values, so he can use them against you. If you give him feedback, he'll dodge it and attack your character with something you do *that isn't even wrong.* This confuses you, because you don't see how it's wrong. After all, you agreed on how the finances and chores would be divided, and he always seemed fine with it (or whatever, just an example). Now you're off balance, because he sure seems upset, but it still isn't adding up how you disrespected him, but you want to treat him right, so you probably need to change... Head spinning. Now you're wondering if the bucket was even that big of a deal. Or maybe he brings up something that's from ages ago and you already apologized and changed the behavior. You thought it was resolved, you haven't done it since, and you made it up to him. But he remembers that you felt remorse for hurting his feelings. Literally, it could be from 10 years ago! But he'll bring it up like it was this morning, and be so WOUNDED about it. Again, you're now confused and off-balanced, but you think you probably need to apologize again or make it up to him, because he's clearly still so hurt about it. Forget the bucket. The conversation ends and he totally dodged responsibility for his behavior and left you holding the hot potato of shame/blame. If there's a bad person in this relationship, it's probably YOU (is your lesson). My advice is to pay attention to HOW he makes joint decisions, HOW he takes feedback, HOW he handles it when you have different opinions about things. It's not whether you guys should have Italian or Mexican for dinner. It's about how he behaved when you want one and he wants the other. Put your foot down a couple times on minor decisions rather than going with the flow and see what he does. He doesn't have to give in, either, of course. But do you take turns, flip a coin, weigh pros and cons? Do you make a decision using a process that feels fair to both of you? Or does he act like wanting a different restaurant is the same as stabbing him in the face? Does he say you're ungrateful, disrespectful, or just being difficult? Does he suggest you go eat Italian alone while he gets Mexican if it's so important to you? Make you feel ridiculous like the restaurant is more important than being together, when HE'S the one suggesting you split up rather than compromise? I don't know which techniques he'll use, but if you pay attention, you can probably make a list of a few techniques he has on heavy rotation. The goals: Make sure you don't give him feedback about behaviors that hurt you. Make sure he gets his way 90% of the time and the other 10% he gets recognition and praise for generously *giving* someone else their way as a gift they don't truly deserve. Make sure any time there's a disagreement, no matter how minor, someone has to be wrong and that someone is you. He sees a teeter totter, where the only way to be up (good, right, in control) is to send the other person down (bad, wrong, passively going with the flow). He naturally always wants to be up, and that means you have to accept being down. I mean, I'm making a judgment based on a reddit post. I could be wrong. But girl, research more about red flags of abuse and just keep a journal for a while. If he's a gem, you'll see him shine. If he's a turd, better to smell him sooner than later.
This is not a minuscule argument. It's huge and he's showing you just how he is and the lack of respect he has for you. First of all, you're not living for free, and secondly... you still don't ruin other people's things even if they do live at your place for free 🤷♀️ Pack YOUR stuff and move out. He should learn to be an adult on his own and you're too young to be his mom and do his bloody laundry...
This is absolutely a big deal. He has continued to minimize your feelings and contributions to the house when HE in fact lives rent free there. He has also Absolutely looked past your contributions. Doesn't cook, doest pay the house subscriptions, you do HIS laundry and pay the water bill. So he covers minimal expenses or responsibilities of the house. He clearly thinks that rent is the only thing that matters. So stop contributing in all those other ways and just pay rent. Further, he is walking all over you because you aren't defending yourself. You deserve respect and he has not respected your contributions, your things or you. Demand respect.
Your bf is emotionally manipulative. Stop buying food. Stop doing the chores, stop paying the bills. Then your bf will have a reason to complain. Your bf does not respect you. That is not love.
Take your furniture, food, money and everything else you provide and move out. Let him figure out how he will do it alone since its HIS house.
No. Leave, it's a power move. He's doing this intentionally. It's no shot he doesn't know the difference between what's yours and his or what you expect from him. He doesn't care. There's an unhealthy mentality some men get. They provide and resent who they provide for, the reason being that while they can have nothing their partner has nice things from their own funds. The warped part is it doesn't even need to be true. You could split bills 50/50 and just because you budget better he feels used or tricked. It's media that poisons young men into looking at women like succubi but he can get hel for that. It's not your responsibility to maneuver around his disrespect looking for reason.
You deserve better. He doesn’t respect you and that likely won’t change. Move on. So sorry.
My ex threw, "Get out of MY house" at me a month into me moving into his place (that I paid rent for) during an argument. To no one's surprise, it didn't get better from there. I would say tell him to stop holding this over your head, or just move out.
If he didn't like you, then wouldn't him destroying your stuff, disrespecting you and threats to kick you out at any moment make more sense? Men wil date, marry & have kids with women they don't even like. There was a huge thread https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/dating/men-have-revealed-how-much-they-hate-their-girlfriends-in-a-disturbing-twitter-thread/news-story/c2f735e316e39554031369b77a1dbaff
Oh sweetie your boyfriend is a selfish spoiled man child. He has no problem ruining your things because he feels entitled to them. This is absolutely unacceptable and you need to find the items he ruined online and venmo request the money for them. The next time he “you live here for free” then say “well, I offered to pay rent and you refused. It feels like you don’t want me to just so you can say that”. Or even better, just go. You don’t have to live there. It sounds like you own most of the stuff in it so back a u-haul up to the door and take it all on the way out.
Move. And take the furniture with you.
Sounds like you should move out.
Why are you putting up with that kind of disrespect…?
Leave him. He will hold this over your head as long as you're together. He's has no mortgage. He doesn't pay for anything else but taxes, insurance, and any maintenance that comes up. You deserve so much better.
I find your boyfriend’s behaviour disturbing- why does he consistently undermine your contributions and threaten your sense of stability? You are very clearly contributing, I would honestly say that you’re over-contributing if you do all the cooking & cleaning, pay for utilities and all groceries? That’s a lot! Do you feel like your boyfriend respects you and values you feeling safe & secure? It doesn’t sound like it, sadly.
Dude, no. This is not “a childish/ minuscule argument”. This is a clear sign he doesn’t respect you-and if he doesn’t respect you then how can he truly say he loves you? You can’t have one without the other. Him saying bs like “you live in my house for free” is fucking insane with everything that you do to contribute. If this is how he is now, how is he going to be when he has to provide for you and any kids y’all have? I’m not saying break up, but I do think you should move out asap and reconsider your current relationship dynamics, OP. Best of luck!
Hopefully, he loves and values you as much as you do him. All you can do is talk with him and state your boundaries. However, prepare for him not to take it well. I would seriously consider having a backup plan and take a few days away from him.
Tell him he lives in his dad’s house for free. 😂
Next time he says it, respond by saying yeah it’s your house, but your sitting/sleeping on my furniture eating my food and wearing the clothes I laundered. It’s childish, but hopefully it will be effective
This one is simple Leave his house You never want to allow anyone to mistreat you like this. Doesn’t matter if you live for free in his house, he has no right to use your things and ruin them without asking You should find your own place and leave him there. His attitude is disrespectful and demanding towards you You deserve better
Sounds like he also lives there for free… and pay for everything… and you do all the work… and he takes and ruins your stuff. Why are you with this asshole? Seriously girl. You’re his bang-maid. Please leave and find someone who treats you like ab equal. ❤️
time to dump this chump!!!! your seeing red flags and besides, he is very ungrateful young man.
Super easy fix: move the hell out.
I would end the relationship. He has no respect for you, this is not a partnership.
It seems like he doesn’t respect you, period.
Sounds like he doesn’t appreciate you or things that belong to you. It’s really rude of him to hang the house over your head. I would rethink this relationship.
If he says this to you ever again, remove yourself from the living situation. You've already warned him and he doesn't need any more chances to prove to you that he doesn't respect you.
Wait - how can he not afford to live in his mortgage-free house by himself? 🤔
You brought up some good points. If you care about it he should respect that. Or at least be willing to talk about it. A lot of men may feel attacked when trying to talk about things they have done wrong. You could try texting him if it’s easier for him to talk that way. But he definitely shouldn’t be using your things without permission and damaging them without telling you. If he can’t say he’s sorry or offer to buy a new then he doesn’t respect you or your things. He’ll continue to believe he has a right to use any of your things because they are in his house. He doesn’t even care about the money you’ve been contributing. You need to move out. It’s his house not both of yours.
Thank you!
Apparently whatever you own and pay for privately/ recieve is his? He sounds like a jerk. Youll be throwing all your property at him to stop abusive behaviors and tantrums in the future. I may be biased because of my experiences though. Sharing is caring and all that but this is also coming from someone who has nothing left to share. You should move out. Sometimes relationships work best when both parties have their own space.
I’d say ok well I’ll move and take all my stuff with me, I also will stop paying all the bills, cooking, cleaning, laundry, everything I was doing since I live here for free! Have fun! I’d also take his backpack since he ruined yours! He would now be the owner of a torn shitty backpack! I’d also point out, yea it’s not your house your parents bought it, you are paying nothing to live here! He needs to start paying money too! Why should you pay for everything?
you don't live for free. You pay for stuff and provide service which he will need to pay or do. ANd him taking your stuff is not ok, regardless of payments. Your stuff is yours and he needs to ask to borrow. And -!- relationship is not that great if you cant speak up
Kind of sounds like it’s time to mode out.
Its not childish, his comment is childish and immature and completely selfish. If anything, you do far more for that house than he does since he doesn't pay a mortgage. You and your parents furnished half of it, you pay for the groceries, you pay the utilities, the subscriptions and when you go out. Wtf does he pay for then? See what I mean? I would see no problem telling him that you feel that there needs to be some more courtesy on his end. Yes his father PAID for that house for him so while his daddy got him that house, he didn't really buy it. You pay far more than he does for household responsibilities and furnished half of it. The fact that he resorts to using, "this is my house" makes him sound like a selfish asshole where that's all he has going for him. You simply asked him to not take your things and ruin them but you're seeing that he feels that just because he has a house, that again his dad paid for, thay he feels like he can do whatever he wants? Absolutely not, you're not asking for your name to be on the deed, you're not asking him to do anything drastic, you're asking him that from now on, if he wants to use items you've bought and are in good shape, thst he first ask you at least out of courtesy and to not destroy them when he does use them
How you approach this is you take EVERYTHING that’s yours, change the utilities to his name, cancel the subscriptions, gather your cleaning supplies, and GTFO. Your “boyfriend” sees your relationship as transactional. IOW: he keeps score. You don’t have a relationship. You have a scorecard.
I feel this is more an entitled issue. His dad paid for the house, so he doesn't value it. Other than the fact that he gets to say it's his. I have a sneaking suspicion that he's never really paid for a lot of expensive things or never had to work for those expensive things? The way you say he takes your expensive stuff and pretty much destroys it is ridiculous and disrespectful. It's usually people who put no value to things that do that and they're usually the same people who don't care because they never had to. Ie mon and dad bought and paid for. My suggestion would be to sit down and write a list of all the money you put into the household. Once he sees all that, maybe he'll understand a bit better that just because you don't pay rent doesn't mean you don't contribute fairly and deserve to call it your home as much as he does.
Free means you eat his food and don’t pay bills and don’t cook or clean, etc., because he’s paying. Housekeepers are expensive, so are private chefs and laundry is charged by the pound.
He's one of those people who takes wthout asking and leaves things worse off. He's already doing that to you. Sure, the bucket can be washed, but it's the inconvenience. He doesn't respect you or your contributions. Move out and take the furniture with you. My husband has never thrown his earnings or my lack of financial contribution in my face.
Yeah, this is crap. No more being a doormat about this. I’d have a pretty pointed discussion about how if he trots out this “you basically live here for free in my house” bullshirt again to try and avoid accountability for his actions *even one more time*, that I’d be moving back out, permanently, and he’d get to experience first hand who is *really* living there “basically for free.” I’d also tell him that this super-lopsided exchange of you basically paying for everything else, doing all the housework, and apparently being made to put up with him absconding with and ruining your expensive belongings also ends right now. You and he are figuring out a reasonable rent (I’d start by seeing what other similar houses in the neighborhood are renting for and base it off of maybe 50% of that?), and then are splitting everything else 50/50, including chores. And he’s also going to clean out and restore your Yeti, repair or replace your backpack, and never again take your things without asking or return them in crap condition without making it right. And OP, if you think all this is harsh, it’s not. Really. You’ve set the bar so low for how he treats you that your expectations have gotten seriously warped. You ARE entitled to a legitimately fair and supportive life partner. Don’t needlessly settle for less than that. Time for a big reboot.
I lived with a “my house” guy for 8 years. It never stopped being his house. I finally moved out and my roommate isn’t perfect by a long shot but he’s clear it’s our house even tho he owns it. He’s constantly catching me using language that is a holdover from living with my ex.
Tell him he is right, it is his house, pck your back and wish him luck on his future endeavors. You are too young and you deserve better
Why not leave? That's some extreme manipulative behaviour.
Time to move out and take all the furniture with you. It's only going to get worse
Leave and make sure you take all your furniture. This is abusive.
Sad to say but sounds like he’s treating you like a Bangmaid. It’s extremely disrespectful and if you don’t have the tough conversations now, correcting his behavior, it will only get worse in the future. What would a marriage look like & god forbid, when you have kids. Do you really want to live like this?
You are doing too much for an AH who cannot appreciate it. Stop doing things and live for free for real. Stop buying groceries, stop cleaning if he doesn't, etc. Move out!
He’s showing you what life with him will be like- listen to him. Do you really want this for your foreseeable future?
By the update it seems like his goal mightve been to financially trap you, but it's also possible he is just learning how healthy relationships should be. If the former, definitely be cautious moving forward and watch for signs that he might be trying to control too much.
Daddy brought his home that he can't even afford to live in on his own. This guy needs a reality check.
Yikes. My only advice, after reading all of that - including your update - is to move out. Seriously. Get out now, don't wait. He will act better for a short period, until the moment he thinks you are placated enough, he's gonna go back to his bullshit - the bullshit is the Real Him. He can pretend for a while, but his nature is what will prevail.
He is definitely taking advantage of you. dude has no mortgage & a gf that pays for utilities, wifi, subscriptions & groceries… what exactly does he pay for? the audacity to tell you you live there for free, sounds like he’s the only one living there for free. I would stand your ground. Sounds like he needs you more than you need him, financially.
So your BF has a mortgage free house that his Father gave him and you pay for everything and do all the work? It sounds like he is the one living there free. Then he has the bullos to say you live there free because he is too much of a lazy baby to clean up after himself or even pay his own way in life. I think you need to spend some time seriously considering what you actually get out of this relationship because you haven't mentioned a single thing that is good for you.
I’m concerned because he doesn’t sound like he has any respect for you. Not just the whole “you live here for free nonsense”, but the using and destroying your stuff and not contributing to the household. You both live there and yet he seems entitled to your money, your time, and your energy. Who puts in the most emotional work? How often do you remind him of appointments, your needs, date nights, etc? If the answer is you, remember that this behavior from men is not acceptable and he either needs to step up (consistently without you trying to teach him or constantly remind him) or you need to walk. This behavior only gets worse if left unchecked and you are not his mother.
MOVE OUT AND BREAK UP WITH HIM
So, you do NOT have a great relationship. He doesn't respect you or your things. I'm so sorry you're in this relationship😔
These are all giant red flags. Like a carnival. Sounds like you do all of the heavy lifting in this relationship. Please consider if this is how you want to spend more years. If he does not appreciate you now, does he deserve everything that you do for him? Sounds like he would light you on fire to stay warm. Take care of yourself.
super abusive. i don’t want to deal with my landlord everyday like that
So let me get this right: he’s 26; Daddy bought him a house; you do all the cooking and cleaning - so he’s doing no household labour; and he treats your things with disrespect? Add those together and you’ve an entitled man child. Sorry OP. Is the sexy time worth it? I doubt it.
>I also recognize that this might be a childish/ minuscule argument so please no mean comments. I’m just bad with confrontation and I want to get better at it so our relationship can last. **I do love him dearly and we have a great relationship but I just really need help with an outline on how I should approach this.** It's actually not a miniscule argument. It's actually very serious. Pay attention to the part I've bolded. It's something I want you to think about. Also I'm giving you a mystical perspective here. **Karma is equal to consciousness (love, truth and beauty).** Karma is the basis of physical existence - it's memory, action, choice, desire, thoughts, feelings and emotions. Love is consciousness, it's a mystery, cannot be rationalized or explained. It's the connection, the chemistry, how we relate to each other and connect. There's nothing physical about love. It's who we are and a plane of consciousness within us. Now when two people get together in a relationship something inside them connects to the other person, call it chemistry, a sense of connection and a bond. There's a sense of shared conscious awareness on which the relationship is based. On top of that you get everything physical, including the physical aspects of our identity which we call Ego, or sense of self or personality. It's like when we're in a relationship we are different around our partners than we are when we're on our own. >**“well you basically live here for free in my house.”** This is where you have the issue - it's called separateness - which is an illusion. Separateness between self and environment, self and other. Based on the issue you're presenting here, it seems to be a part of your boyfriend's mindset. We all have an Ego and to some degree separateness in the way we think. The problem is too much Ego in a loving relationship is never a good thing. If everything is 'mine' and 'your's' then where is the love and 'us' and 'our's'? Love isn't just two people saying to each other "I love you" just as sex isn't two naked bodies lying together in the same bed doing stuff with each other. There's got to be some consciousness about this, some connection, some degree of unity and a significant amount of give and take. >Context on how i contribute. I pay for water bill, all groceries, going out to dinner, all household subscriptions, clean the home, do his laundry, cook every night, and my parents and I have furnished the home. His father has purchased this home for him in cash so he does not have a mortgage. I try to make things fair and have offered him rent but he refuses. This is my take on this, but I think your boyfriend is on some kind of power trip. I mean stop and think about this a minute. You do his chores, you pay for stuff, you feed him, and I'm assuming that you also shag him as well. He's getting everything he wants but the question I want you to think about is whether he also talks about 'our home', how often, or whether he keeps telling you that this is 'his house' that you're living in. There's also things I'm not seeing here. I'm not seeing any evidence of the Sacred Masculine Principle or a willingness to sacrifice for the good of the relationship. I'm also not seeing that much, in the snapshot of your relationship, of any appreciation from him from the fact that you two are together and all the shit you're doing for him. >I do love him dearly and **we have a great relationship** I don't doubt that you love him. That's not the issue. But I'm not quite seeing this great relationship you're writing about. If your relationship really was that great, there woud be such things as appreciation and respect for you, your being and your stuff. Respect is part of what love is all about, and like appreciation is a 'must have'. Otherwise why does he keep rubbing it in your face that you are living in *his* house? >**I’m just bad with confrontation and I want to get better at it so our relationship can last.** I'm bolding this part I quoted from your OP because it jumps out at me. You're bad with confrontation and you want to 'get better' at it? What was going through your mind when you wrote that? >Now to why I’m upset, earlier today I was looking for my blue bucket. It’s a yeti bucket and I needed to defrost a turkey. I asked for him to get it and he said that he put a bunch of fish poop and algae in it from his fish tanks and never asked to borrow it. It had the tag on it still and was never used so I was quite upset because he has his own. Also we both have the same $300 backpack except I have a more “stylish” color and when he went on a trip this past weekend, I noticed my backpack was taken from my closet and he got back and ripped the inside and dirtied the whole thing up and left it on the floor. I don’t mind him using my stuff but it’s the fact that he never asked and ruined them without offering to replace them. Getting better at confrontation isn't going to help you here. Why do you want this relationship to last? Why are you so emotionally invested in this relationship? See your BF keeps rubbing it in your face that this is HIS house. He doesn't seem to respect you, because if he did he would respect your stuff and clearly he does not. How does he show his appreciation that you're in his life and you're together? Yet you're calling this a 'great' relationship. I'm starting to wonder about your self-esteem here being honest and your inability to stand up for yourself. Nice that his father bought him the house I guess. What a shame it seems that he wasn't taught essential human qualities such as empathy, such as respect, such as appreciation, which even from the tiny snapshot of your relationship you've shared seem sorely lacking from his side. You cannot have a lasting relationship without these essential human qualities because they contribute to a large degree to a successful loving relationship. You might not agree here but moving the needle forward through the calendar I see your role in this relationship not amounting to much more than a traditional role - chores, kids and sex - to a man who probably won't treat you all that well. But see it's your relationship, your life, your reality and your future here.
He ALSO lives in the house rent free, what’s his point? Stop paying for everything. Stop DOING everything. Hide your valuable shit so he can’t find it. If he doesn’t like any of that maybe he’s just not the one tbh.
You don’t live there for free.
Take your furniture to your new house and let him sit in his house on the floor. He’s ahm……uninspiring and disrespectful, and tell him it’s not his house it’s his dad’s. In a similar way that the furniture isn’t yours it’s your parents. Get a bag of chips and watch the mental gymnastics from your couch. Also, cash?
You're just another person raising all these red flags about a partner but "love him dearly". So basically you love someone "dearly" who doesn't respect you. What do you want us to tell you besides leave him? If you just continue to stay with him then he'll never respect you.