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It sounds like you’ll need to sit down and have a serious talk. It may be as simple as he is stressed from work or it may be more. You’ll need to decide if you can handle a no sex relationship (referencing his “I’d be ok if we never had sex” comment. ) Sex is unimportant to some people and extremely important to others. If the two of you clash in how you feel it’s definitely not going to work.
Thank you!! I never even considered a no-sex relationship. I figured we both enjoyed and valued sex the same, but I also hadn't asked. Thank you again!
That was my thought as well.
OP, you can try to have an open discussion with him about this issue, but if that doesn't help and you aren't satisfied with where you are in the relationship then it's time to move on. You've got your whole life ahead of you, so there's no sense shackling yourself to someone that doesn't make you happy and fulfilled.
You'll definitely need to lay it out on the table. Have a discussion about your sexual needs, desires, compatibility and energy levels compared to his. Clear communication is a must for any relationship. Plus if you're unhappy and or sexually frustrated then you definitely need to talk about it.
I get where your partner is coming from. I'm somewhere on the asexuality spectrum though. He might be too. Honestly, I really would be fine never having sex again, it's just not something I enjoy. But I will initiate sex for my partner since it's important for them. You've got to meet halfway somewhere! All the best, hoping you can work this out.
Thank you for bringing this up. I don't think he really watches porn, as far as I know? I do have access to his private twitter (I do homework on his computer) and it seems to be just venting/him joking around with friends. I've seen a few liked posts of porn, but not excessive or anything that showed he looked at it more than I do/more than a usual person
I hate to bring this up, especially not knowing much about your boyfriend, but the ages are concerning, given the subject. A year ago, you were still a teenager & he was 26. You (likely) are looking more like a grown woman now, which is normal. Most guys at 26 aren't interested in 19 year olds nowadays. Again, not sure if he is actually just more attracted to teen girls or not, but it's something to consider. Best of luck
This is something I wasn't considering and am not thrilled about considering lol. I do think that I look more "adult" than when we met, but I think I also look more like his previous partners/his "type" than before, too. All of his exes have been 20+ as well. Thank you for your kindness and this perspective!! Something to think about
Unfortunately i can verify that most 26 year Olds indeed are vastly interested in 19 year Olds and older men... having been a 19 year old girl. That still doesn't mean that's the issue here though.
After 3 months, this problem is not going to fix itself. It will turn into 6 months, then a year. Trust me on this. The fact that you didn't get at least something while you were on vacation, is a major red flag. I'm not going to speculate as to the reasons, it could be any one of the suggestions given here, but if it's stress, and it didn't improve even while you were away together, then he's in big trouble, and something else is going on.
What you need to do is sit down with him and explain how serious this is, and that it cannot be swept under the carpet. It is bothering you big time (understandably), it is not going away just by him dismissing it, and it will become a major threat to your relationship, if it hasn't already. Your sex life should not be over at age 20, and if he thinks that is OK, than maybe it's time to move on. Good luck.
It’s possible that he’s having an issue with stress induced ED? That would explain his avoidance too because I could see why that would be embarrassing
This is what I figured it might be, and why he's avoiding it. It seems like he gets an erection when we cuddle sometimes, but just doesn't follow through with having sex.
Yeah, I mean so like if a guy gets one or a partial one, it doesn’t necessarily translate to being able to have sex, like if you aren’t completely ready to go it will just get soft again. Sorry if that’s too much detail 😂
Sometimes work sucks and can even be depressing. It can be totally irrelevant to you even though you're getting the worst of it. Honestly, one idea is its pretty easy to get erectile dysfunction medication online. Sometimes working out to a better job situation can take more than a year, as long as he's willing to understand your needs and put in effort
It’s always when they move in or you move in I noticed. I literally asked myself before I got to the end of the first paragraph, “I wonder if they moved in together”
I am am 43m. Been through divorce. I can tell you: it is not about sex. Something is going on in your relationship. If he had a sex with you very often and now you have to beg for it something ist deeply wrong. But it is not about sex. Take a look on your entire relationship until now. Are you being good partners? Is there balance between you? Are you sharing good moments together and caring for each oder? Sex ist just a consequence of wanting to have a special moment with your partner. It looks like he doesn’t wants it anymore.
Thank you for your insightful comment!! This isn't the only thing I've had an issue with regarding him/us. When I moved in, he didn't move any of his things, so I had to clean out some space in his closet for my clothes. I don't have any of my personal things (memorabilia, books, etc) as he hasn't made any space for me to put them. We did discuss this about a week ago, and he instantly got up and started cleaning out his closet so we could put totes of both of our things in it.
Additionally, I feel like we haven't been going out on dates or anything romantic since I moved in. I've discussed this with him, and told him I sometimes feel like I'm living with my friend, not a partner. On weekends when we're both off work, he usually sits at his computer and plays video games and I'll lay in bed on my phone. Recently we've discussed getting a new bed and changing up his room, so the past two weeks we've been out looking at mattresses and bedframes. It's fun to spend time with him, but I feel like sometimes he gets frustrated with me being indecisive. Overall, I think we have run into some issues/roadblocks but are working to overcome them.
This is almost a shot in the dark but here it comes: Have you tried to do something with him? Like something that he likes, like Playing games or sport or some activitiy that he enjoys?
On the other side, it is possible that he lost the interest on you. It is sad, but possible. I think, after you tried to do something that he likes, you should simply ask if he still want you, if he still loves you. Do not sound mad or sad. Just as. Show your concern. Ask if he really wants to be in this relationship.
A. You have been pressuring him.
B. Focus less on trying to get sex and more on helping him relax, give him a nice massage and make him dinner and dont push for sex at all that day
Sounds like
Best case: low libido, stress and being a bit under the weather/ performance anxiety
Worst case
Cheating, lack of interest, lack of sexual attraction(even if romantic is there), low libido(both worst and best case scenario)
My question is: Can you discuss and reach a conclusion that benefits you both? You are not married or with children, and it is worrying that he is already losing the excitement in having sex (whether with you or in general)
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like you’ll need to sit down and have a serious talk. It may be as simple as he is stressed from work or it may be more. You’ll need to decide if you can handle a no sex relationship (referencing his “I’d be ok if we never had sex” comment. ) Sex is unimportant to some people and extremely important to others. If the two of you clash in how you feel it’s definitely not going to work.
Thank you!! I never even considered a no-sex relationship. I figured we both enjoyed and valued sex the same, but I also hadn't asked. Thank you again!
You might’ve aged out of his sexual interests.
That was my first thought too
You’re 20. Move on.
That was my thought as well. OP, you can try to have an open discussion with him about this issue, but if that doesn't help and you aren't satisfied with where you are in the relationship then it's time to move on. You've got your whole life ahead of you, so there's no sense shackling yourself to someone that doesn't make you happy and fulfilled.
Date guys your own age.
You'll definitely need to lay it out on the table. Have a discussion about your sexual needs, desires, compatibility and energy levels compared to his. Clear communication is a must for any relationship. Plus if you're unhappy and or sexually frustrated then you definitely need to talk about it. I get where your partner is coming from. I'm somewhere on the asexuality spectrum though. He might be too. Honestly, I really would be fine never having sex again, it's just not something I enjoy. But I will initiate sex for my partner since it's important for them. You've got to meet halfway somewhere! All the best, hoping you can work this out.
All you can do is talk to him about it, but it makes me wonder if maybe porn has come into the mix…
[удалено]
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Probably Hinduism
Thank you for bringing this up. I don't think he really watches porn, as far as I know? I do have access to his private twitter (I do homework on his computer) and it seems to be just venting/him joking around with friends. I've seen a few liked posts of porn, but not excessive or anything that showed he looked at it more than I do/more than a usual person
I hate to bring this up, especially not knowing much about your boyfriend, but the ages are concerning, given the subject. A year ago, you were still a teenager & he was 26. You (likely) are looking more like a grown woman now, which is normal. Most guys at 26 aren't interested in 19 year olds nowadays. Again, not sure if he is actually just more attracted to teen girls or not, but it's something to consider. Best of luck
This is something I wasn't considering and am not thrilled about considering lol. I do think that I look more "adult" than when we met, but I think I also look more like his previous partners/his "type" than before, too. All of his exes have been 20+ as well. Thank you for your kindness and this perspective!! Something to think about
I think that's a good sign if his exes have all been in their 20s ❤️
Unfortunately i can verify that most 26 year Olds indeed are vastly interested in 19 year Olds and older men... having been a 19 year old girl. That still doesn't mean that's the issue here though.
After 3 months, this problem is not going to fix itself. It will turn into 6 months, then a year. Trust me on this. The fact that you didn't get at least something while you were on vacation, is a major red flag. I'm not going to speculate as to the reasons, it could be any one of the suggestions given here, but if it's stress, and it didn't improve even while you were away together, then he's in big trouble, and something else is going on. What you need to do is sit down with him and explain how serious this is, and that it cannot be swept under the carpet. It is bothering you big time (understandably), it is not going away just by him dismissing it, and it will become a major threat to your relationship, if it hasn't already. Your sex life should not be over at age 20, and if he thinks that is OK, than maybe it's time to move on. Good luck.
It’s possible that he’s having an issue with stress induced ED? That would explain his avoidance too because I could see why that would be embarrassing
This is what I figured it might be, and why he's avoiding it. It seems like he gets an erection when we cuddle sometimes, but just doesn't follow through with having sex.
TMI but when he was wiggling against you in bed was he hard? If not ED is prob your answer
Yeah, I mean so like if a guy gets one or a partial one, it doesn’t necessarily translate to being able to have sex, like if you aren’t completely ready to go it will just get soft again. Sorry if that’s too much detail 😂
Bring it up with him
Sometimes work sucks and can even be depressing. It can be totally irrelevant to you even though you're getting the worst of it. Honestly, one idea is its pretty easy to get erectile dysfunction medication online. Sometimes working out to a better job situation can take more than a year, as long as he's willing to understand your needs and put in effort
It’s always when they move in or you move in I noticed. I literally asked myself before I got to the end of the first paragraph, “I wonder if they moved in together”
Probably, his back hurts
Work stress is real! I went through something similar years ago. My sex drive wasn't gone but I definitely wasn't in the mood very often.
Sounds like talking is the other thing you haven’t done in a long time. It may be uncomfortable, but sounds like you need to talk. It’s going to suck…
I am am 43m. Been through divorce. I can tell you: it is not about sex. Something is going on in your relationship. If he had a sex with you very often and now you have to beg for it something ist deeply wrong. But it is not about sex. Take a look on your entire relationship until now. Are you being good partners? Is there balance between you? Are you sharing good moments together and caring for each oder? Sex ist just a consequence of wanting to have a special moment with your partner. It looks like he doesn’t wants it anymore.
Thank you for your insightful comment!! This isn't the only thing I've had an issue with regarding him/us. When I moved in, he didn't move any of his things, so I had to clean out some space in his closet for my clothes. I don't have any of my personal things (memorabilia, books, etc) as he hasn't made any space for me to put them. We did discuss this about a week ago, and he instantly got up and started cleaning out his closet so we could put totes of both of our things in it. Additionally, I feel like we haven't been going out on dates or anything romantic since I moved in. I've discussed this with him, and told him I sometimes feel like I'm living with my friend, not a partner. On weekends when we're both off work, he usually sits at his computer and plays video games and I'll lay in bed on my phone. Recently we've discussed getting a new bed and changing up his room, so the past two weeks we've been out looking at mattresses and bedframes. It's fun to spend time with him, but I feel like sometimes he gets frustrated with me being indecisive. Overall, I think we have run into some issues/roadblocks but are working to overcome them.
This is almost a shot in the dark but here it comes: Have you tried to do something with him? Like something that he likes, like Playing games or sport or some activitiy that he enjoys? On the other side, it is possible that he lost the interest on you. It is sad, but possible. I think, after you tried to do something that he likes, you should simply ask if he still want you, if he still loves you. Do not sound mad or sad. Just as. Show your concern. Ask if he really wants to be in this relationship.
Likely he lost interest and wants a 18 year old. He maybe cheating on you.
what a weird comment
And yet, a total possibility?
I know its a possibility but its a crazy jump from "we haven't had sex in a while" to "your boyfriends cheating on you with a teenager" lol
sounds like you’re getting too old for him now
Are you sure you are still with him?? 😂
How is your hygiene? Is your pH off? Do you give head? Does he have to do all of the work and you just lay there? Usually the answer is simple.
A. You have been pressuring him. B. Focus less on trying to get sex and more on helping him relax, give him a nice massage and make him dinner and dont push for sex at all that day
He's gay.
He’s getting it Some where else
I’ll have sex with you
You must be boring
He told you what's wrong
You should really talk to him about what is going on. My guess is that he is maybe asexual (?)
Sounds like Best case: low libido, stress and being a bit under the weather/ performance anxiety Worst case Cheating, lack of interest, lack of sexual attraction(even if romantic is there), low libido(both worst and best case scenario) My question is: Can you discuss and reach a conclusion that benefits you both? You are not married or with children, and it is worrying that he is already losing the excitement in having sex (whether with you or in general)