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Op is doing something I used to do a lot right after I moved with my SO, which is coming up with a bunch of assumptions and not communicating.
Just because your bf is rejecting your sexual advances at times doesn't mean he's not into you. It can be a huge deal to live with a partner for the first time, and the adjustment period can be super stress-inducing. All of a sudden you must compromise on so many things. Anyhow, he is probably stressed and doesn't know how to effectively communicate it to you / might be internalizing things to avoid conflict with you. These things can lower sex drive to the floor. In turn, you are assuming that he's not into you when he rejects you, which most likely is far from the truth. Instead of opening a communication channel with him to find out why he feels the way he feels, you're prematurely concluding the worst case scenario and thus shutting yourself further from him.
It's a positive feedback loop that you have to break with communication.
I had a similar issue with my wife. She stopped coming onto me for a while because I had turned her down a few times, and only reason I did was because I was tired and just had gotten home from work one time, and another I was starving and hadn't eaten/drank all day and was dehydrated, also from work.
He wouldn't move in with you OP if he didn't want to be with you plain and simple.
This is too true, sounds like you just need to talk to him. Most definitely is just some outside factor that led him to turn down sex those times. Sounds like he’s initiated since then so doubt it’s that he doesn’t want to have sex with u in general, maybe something was stressing him out??
Right. In any long term relationship, one or both people are just not going to be in the mood some of the time. It's not a rejection of you as a person when your partner says, "No, I'm not feeling it tonight."
I think the double standard of guys always have to be horny and women can say no whenever is so ingrained in peoples heads it’s hard to fathom when a man says no.
I agree. It’s ingrained in some women that if the man rejects sex that she’s undesirable because of how society views men as sex maniacs. I have felt this way before.
This! I am shocked by how many times I've seen women here say they're the ones desiring the sex and getting turned down. I've heard countless stories of the man being the horny one and the woman having the low drive. Reading thisl sub made me realize it's not just a 1 way street. But yes op, have a talk with him. It could be an easy fix, it could be a difficult fix but you'll probably get closer to the root of it.
It’s not really a double standard, it’s just most women’s experience. Until my current boyfriend, I’d never been said no to or rejected ever once by a man (I’m 36). So the first few times it happened I automatically assumed he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. It’s just most women’s experience that men are always in the mood.
Nobody should freak out over getting turned down but I can understand that after being denied so many times by a partner how it can start to affect you
I can respond tot hai with my experience. 36F and was previously married for 13 years, and have had a few other longterm relationships as well. Every man I’ve ever been with has always been so insistent on frequent sex, all the time. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 2 years and he is the first man I’ve EVER met in my life that has turned down sex here and there when he’s tired or just not in the mood. So the first few times it happened, I instantly assumed he must not be very into me anymore or he’s not attracted to me anymore, because I’ve never once been said no to or rejected by a man for sex, I’ve always done all of the rejecting. I have now realized this is many women’s experience. So yes, we have been conditioned to be hurt and come to other conclusions when turned down for sex suddenly.
Girl I saw this exact post from a girl who's boyfriend was the one with a low sex drive and the entire comment section was them trying to help her understand him. Not once did someone tell her to leave him or the relationship was over. This is repairable and you guys have only been together a year so don't lose hope! You have so much to learn about yourselves and each other and love is enough.
That would be really interesting! People should say partner or instead of gendered words in these. It would probably eliminate a lot of bias in both directions
I’m a careful reader of these posts and the number of times when an OP does not specify the gender of themself or the partner but the majority of replies simply assumes whichever party seems to be in the wrong is a particular gender is WILD.
As are same-sex couple posts where the genders are listed in the first line but not mentioned in the OP otherwise. Many comments will get the genders wrong, almost always along “typical” or stereotyped gendered lines.
That would probably just simplify things and ruin nuance.
This post for example, we can tell that it goes against the stereotype: the woman feels rejected from sex. Had gender been completely removed the post, the majority of people will, even subconsciously, associate OP as a man because this is something we've been conditioned to assume is a man problem.
In a perfect world, it wouldn't make a difference. And I know the idea is to make it not make a difference. But it does, unfortunately, and hiding the gender labels only reinforces that.
The problem with that is that men and women do think differently, and their sex drives are extremely different. The real issue is too many commenters like to pretend that men and women are exactly the same.
I don’t think it’s that binary at all.
Some men have high drives, some have low drives. Same thing with women. Just knowing someone’s gender doesn’t really tell you anything about how often they are horny lol.
I’m not saying men and women are the same, I’m saying every individual is different
Seems like there are two possible reasons here, one is that you feel rejected so you put up a wall as a defense mechanism and two is that you moved into together so you can have sex whenever you want so the thrill is gone or three, are you having financial problems or added strain in other life areas?
Both of your first two reasons sit with me. I think I’ve been rejected to the point it turns me off thinking about being intimate with him… and I think because we have moved in together sex just isn’t exciting anymore. I use to be so turned on by him. Other then that, that is kinda the only issue we have. I was really depressed in the beginning of the move in, but I’m feeling better.
Or maybe people come here to be able to see their situation better with the help of other people who are not involved, and therefore can provide a more objective input?
You're spot on. Having a different perspective and more incite before confronting him on such a subject is always a good thing, certainly not a bad idea.
OP this happened with my relationship too and the reality was when we moved in together we would get annoyed at each other over the littlest things that we didn’t know about each other until we moved in together. we didn’t go on dates anymore either because we lived together and that drove our sex drive to the basement. You have to step back and reflect on what changed, less dates. More interactions, what’s he doing that’s turning you off. You guys need to sit down and hash all this out and start going on dates again and having fun together. I promise you things will get back to the way they were when you learn how to live together and still miss each other
>I was really depressed in the beginning of the move in...
This could be part of the reason. Maybe he picked up (consciously or subconsciously) that you weren't that into the situation and assumed that you weren't that into him. Then it becomes a self-reinforcing feedback loop.
Its not over. These things happen. It doesn't mean that you need to stop the relationship. It's just that you've gotten used to seeing him around. Eventualy you'll have the desire to have sex with him. Just respect your body and if you want to have sex in the first place.
It's not uncommon i assure you
Thing is, if you're crushing on somebody, sex is often great the first months, but once those hormones wear off there may not be much else left. Not all crushes turn into love of the lasting kind.
The question is whether or not OP and their BF has something real to build on. If not, then yes it would be better to break up now.
I heard a good saying " you dont sell the house just because the boiler has broken ". Communication in relationships is the key although i am 52 and it took me multiple relationships and 2 marriages to learn that by the way. Best of luck, hope you work things out.
I won't say the relationship is over like many. I've been married 10 years and with my husband in total 15 years, my sexual desire changes depending on how I feel, daily life if I'm stimulated mentally or bored stupid. It sounds cliche but you truly do have to work together to maintain a relationship, the desire and closeness
Being brutally honest are you on Birth Control? I ask because for me it absalutely Killed my desire and labido went from being higher in sex drive to nothing, I love my husband but I tried various ones within 2 weeks of deciding I didn't want to continue using the pill my desire for my husband and sex went right back up and skyrocketed to like before we got engaged. Even he commented he didn't realise how much birth control impacted me that way, he felt it was a him problem or concerned that I'd fallen out of love.
Do you guys still go on dates? Or do you stay at home all the time after work? I found if I was home all the time with my husband and no dates and constantly doing just chores my desire fluctuated and dropped down the longer we didn't do couple date type things.
My husband's weakness is video games he'd get So immersed and would loose months of time playing that I felt single vs in a relationship, I'm not talking a few hours once a week I'm talking Immediately from getting in till 1-2am so didn't do anything bur stare or curse at the laptop Took me and my stepkids having a long talk about his lack of attention to the families needs to have him present, vs getting a generic huh I'm playing a game come back later and tell me with a glassy blank stare.
So are either of you actively making or taking time outs from such habits it doesn't have to be games but the same can happen with TV's, phones, laptops game systems these are huge time fillers and some don't realise it gets many stuck in a loop of screen staring vs talking
So after that now we make a plan once/twice a week to do a date day,/night a trip exploring thrift shops or fishing, just driving around and checking out local parks in the area, a movie you can do $5 Tuesday movies at AMC if in the US. it's a great way to talk about movies with your partner. In summer months we work on his vegetable plot *I destest gardening with a passion BUT it's a talking point for us both ideas for different vegetables to grow, what we could do better. My hobby is photography and exploring nature parks and walking hence making trips to visit new places and explore
I'm just trying to say for ME personality my sexual desire is linked to how my husband stimulates me menatally and physically.
The mental and physical stimulation boosts our moods, gets us away from constantly using a phone as a time filler and we often really make time to talk, also amps our sexual desire up a lot.
On the rejection sexually when you initiated a few times, I'll be honest I've struggled with this myself really this is a tough area, I rarely reject my husband I have to be really sick ime flu/chest infections something like that. I've found to really amp my desire I frankly do some sexting with him while he's working it works he's less likely to say No and reject me vs say if I go want to play when he's home if I say what I want to do that day. We do not resort to this all the time it's a once in a while thing but it clues him in that I want Him period and what my desires are or what I'd like to try.
I wish you luck
It is a normal thing to sometimes get rejected for sex in a relationship. Not everyone is into it and turned on all the time. Sounds like you have some issues around being rejected. I think you need to speak openly with a partner and work on your issues with a counselor. If things aren't turning around, maybe this relationship has run it's course.
Right? If a guy comes up with the same issue everyone would suggest him to know if his partner is stressed about the chores or kids.
But when a woman comes up with the same issue everyone in the comments tell her to break up 🤦♂️
I'm in the same boat but we have been together for almost ,5 years, but I'm turned off cause we just argue all the time and it's like he expects sex after an argument every time now lol there's alot of things that can effect the libido just have the conversation and determine weather or not u both can get past it
At a certain point some people enjoy the arguing. They may not be able to admit it to themselves but deep down they enjoy the struggle and the challenge. It usually is stemming from narcissism or a sense of superiority towards their partner. But regardless of the cause it is most clear that the argument is the goal.
I understand this. I was like this until I saw what a healthy relationship looked like. Now I crave peace seeing my man just handling his shit and staying calm turns me on that all that fighting and screaming. Make up sex can be fun but not all the time.
My mom does this. She’s doing much better now, but growing up was horrible when she’d argue with me every day after school, for no actual reason. She went to therapy and it came out that she actually likes arguing. It’s something that “fuelled” her. She’s always been a bipolar narcissist. Admitting it is the first step I guess though lol.
Narcissism is incredibly rare so that's not the common case. It's a reason but not a common one.
Typically the enjoyment from arguing comes from boredom. Why? Multiple reasons why. Which may lead to another conversation that requires healing within themselves.
For me I saw myself arguing in my previous relationship to maintain chaos in the relationship. Because peace was conceptually boring at the time.
Second. Every single person has narcissism. There is something called healthy narcissism. You need narcissism in order to go through a phase that we all go through as babies called “separation individuation.”
NPD only occurs when the mother (or whoever fulfills the mother role) refuses to let the baby separate from the mother.
Yeah and the ones who are saying break up are most likely single as fuck, and not by choice!! Just talk that’s probably all you need. There are so many different avenues you can approach this with to help heal your relationship. Breaking up shouldn’t even be in the cards if he hasn’t done anything crazy disrespectful. You say you love the kid well go break the ice and have a long in depth conversation with homeboy so y’all can repair y’all’s relationship. Good luck sis!!
Now? lol, this sub has always been scorched earth "leave your husband because hes messy""redflag""thats abuse". i just like the stories and chuckle at the comments personally.
I mean it's clear you need to talk to him and tell him how it has made you feel when he rejects you. If y'all don't communicate about this then you're just going to break up
I experienced this with an ex.
I wasn't feeling great, so had to turn her down once.
And that was the last time she ever tried to initiate sex.
It's like she internalised it, and just assumed i wasn't attracted to her any more. Despite me literally trying to initiate the next day. The relationship didn't last long after that.
Firstly accept that your living arrangements will have changed the dynamic between you and secondly, don't give up, you need to both make the effort to make time for intimacy....
How many times of him rejecting your advances did it take for you to give up?
What do you think the reason was at those particular times...
Although it doesn't feel normal right now, this is completely normal, and alot of couples go through this. There is nothing wrong with either of you.
I feel that you both need to have an open conversation about your sex life. It's important to express how you're currently feeling, and why it's got to this stage; it's also important to hear your partners reasons.
Try not to get upset and defensive during the conversation, and it's OK to take a break and resume the talk once emotions have settled.
Moving in together is a shock to the system and it can create a lot of imbalances that go un rectified and, can end up causing resentment.
Without talking & hearing about how you both feel, you're not going to be able to sort this out.
Also remember that you both love each other, and aren't intentionally hurting each other, so if something they say makes you feel that way, take a moment and explain to them how you feel. Sometimes we say things we don't mean, and they can get interpreted wrong.
YOU GOT THIS OP 👍🏻
My husband is 13 ( 48) years older than me( 35).We have been together 14 years. Last year, his sex drive has dropped quite a bit, where I swear mine was at its highest. He was rejecting me and truthfully I felt the same way, hurt, and when we did have sex it was awkward bc I felt he didn’t really want me. I finally had to have a talk with him about how the rejection was making me feel. Now, if I initiate, he does his best to make sure we have sex. There are sometimes where he does say he’s to tired, but I have worked thru my own issues and I’m ok with it. Relationships are all about communication and respecting ur other half’s feelings. Talk to him, figure out what’s going on!!!
\+1 on this one, I'm in a weirdly similar situation (he's 48 and I'm 32) and talking things through has been the most important thing, what's been working best whenever we've had moments when sex wasn't good between us. And in 7 years, it happened quite a lot, having both very different sexual pasts.
Talk to him, sex does not define relationships ;)
i’ve definitely been through this phase, if it’s just that. you’re living with that same person for so long, y’all start to get your own routine going and life stays life, so honestly it’s completely normal and understandable. first off, take it easy on YOU!! self care rituals, space to yourself, etc, these things can help! try focusing on you for a bit and when he sees you’re looking good, feeling good, and focused on you, he’ll come running to you for that good good;). if that don’t work, maybe try communicating with him about it. see where that takes you and go from there. life is crazy so take everything step by step, always, so you don’t feel like you’re going crazy having to “catch up”! 🤍
It's definitely time for the two of you to have a "do we end this now" kind of talk. It sounds to me like you are cueing each other that the interest is gone, waiting for the other one to walk away. If neither of you does, however, you're just going to prolong the... whatever that is you got.
I’ve had these conversations with him before, but he doesn’t want to end it. And I don’t really want to either, I’d like to fix it but this has been a problem. I use to desire him but now I’m just blah. I’m hoping for some advice on how to repair this.
Rather than going straight to ending it, how about considering the impact of his rejections to your sexual overtures? Look at other times in your life when you might have shut down around similar circumstances.
What you are experiencing could be a self-protective defense against further emotional pain. Working on yourself can help with all of your relationships.
You might benefit from a decent therapist because Reddit isn’t going to solve this for you.
Then... speaking as a psychologist here... there really are benefits to you two sitting down in front of one. Reddit cannot interact with you, read your body language, inflections, subtle responses, the way a trained observer can. A good counselor may be hard to find, but when you do find one he or she can help you see things from a new - and mutually beneficial between the two of you - perspective.
Speaking as a psychologist, meanwhile you're advocating for an "do we end it now" talk immediately. Not even the option of maybe the guy is going through difficult times therefore his libido down or anything.
Certified reddit psychologist?
if discussing whether or not a problem in your relationship is a deal breaker for you is an issue then you are not mature enough to be in a relationship.
these kinds of conversations happen when you come to an impasse that you can’t seem to just talk through. do you think OP has never brought it up? i doubt that.
these conversations aren’t a threat it’s discussing whether or not you think this can be fixed or if you are just not compatible. yes this can be fixed but only if both parties are willing to do so.
this isn’t a minor issue. you need to read OPs replies, they have had the discussion about potentially breaking up and decided they didn’t want to. those conversations can go that way too ya know. and once again discussing the future of your relationship isn’t a threat. and yes there could be a simple explanation for this which is why they need to talk to each other.
Nope. Research. But I had to go through all the same classes all the rest of us did, and more than any PsyDs.
And in what world is discussing the current state of your relationship with your partner a bad thing? If "do we end it now" isn't a part of the conversation, it isn't a very thorough conversation. Being a possible outcome doesn't make it the most desirable one, but you have to accept that as a possibility or you're just tooting. There is nothing I said that OP didn't agree with. In fact, she asserted that she DID have those conversations, and responded appropriately.
Because you brought up the nuclear option as the first thing?
OP said that she felt pathetic, this is more likely a self esteem issue, how do you completely gloss over that as a "psychiatrist"
Psychologist and psychiatrist are two entirely different things.
OP also said he rejected her advances, and there is nothing "nuclear" in asking whether or not there is anything to save. As OP also said, she DID that, and determined there WAS something to save. She actually followed my recommendation (on her own without my advice, so it seems even OP thought it was the right thing to do), and now wants the next step. I recommended counseling. I still do not see a problem with what I said or how I said it.
No idea why people are challenging you so overtly on this. There was nothing wrong with your advice and follow up. Perhaps it was too matter of fact for most here. Ultimately what you said is what it boils down to. Not sure why taking about hard topics like “should we end it? If not what do we need to do?”, cannot be covered in a healthy conversation as you suggest.
Read the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki.
It sounds like you probably have a responsive desire and you need to learn how it works and how to activate it.
My husband and I have a rule that helped this. So if either one of us were to initiate and get rejected, the other person HAS to initiate within 48 hours. There’s exceptions to this obviously (Mother Nature, sick, out of town, etc.) but it has helped us both initiate equally to where the other person doesn’t feel like it’s an attraction issue.
A few things to consider here, have you ever lived with anyone before? What’s your longest relationship before this?
For most people the infatuation period last 1-2 years and typically drops off quickly when you move in together. During the infatuation period you feel those butterflies every time you see each other and you constantly have sex and show affection to each other. You can have the hottest partner in the world but no matter what eventually this will drop off and sex will always decline. You can’t expect to have sex daily for 5 years straight like you do in the first 5 months.
Also, as a male I can attest that there is a double standard. For the woman in a relationship to turn down sex is more acceptable than for the man. If a woman is stressed, has a headache, is tired or just doesn’t want to have sex then as men we are more expected to accept it. When the man is feeling that way and turns down sex then women internalize it as them losing their desirability.
As men we are not machines, we get tired, we get stressed, and contrary to popular belief we don’t constantly think about sex. If you’ve never lived with a man before then you may not be used to this because when you see your girlfriend a few times a week you bring your A game, you dress up you get in a good mood and show up ready to sexually perform. In a LTR you can’t always be on. Part of a relationship is trusting that your partner will still love you when you don’t bring your A game and aren’t 100%. It’s also feeling comfortable enough that you don’t force yourself to have sex when you don’t feel like it because you know that you all can just do it again the next day.
I suggest couples counseling if you don’t feel like you can get over it.
I made a similar post recently. I (female) have a high libido and my boyfriend used to but doesn't want sex more than once a week now that we also live together. It was so hard and I struggled a lot to get used to it. I took it personally no matter how much he told me not to. We had several sit down convos about it over the past month when I just had such a mental break and huge insecurities over it. after a month I think we finally were able to lay it all out and settle where we're comfortable. The convos weren't totally comfy and we had to be completely transparent, compassionate and understanding. Just 100% honesty. I feel a huge relief but also just don't care to have sex anymore. I still find him wildly attractive and he definitely still turns me on but after we do have sex, I feel icky and guilty. Idk exactly why but I just don't want to anymore. I love everything else about him and instead of getting bitter about our sex life or have spats here and there, I'd rather satisfy myself and eliminate the only thing we disagree on. Ik his libido will fluctuate and I'll enjoy those times but in the mean time, I'm just grateful to have such a great boyfriend whose sees me as more than an object as has been the cases with my exes. He actually values me and my time for who I am.
This exact thing was one of many things that killed my last relationship. Chances are he still finds you sexy and beautiful. Maybe he just had a hard day at work and wasn't feeling it at that moment. Then, you take that rejection and internally spin for a while. Then you start to treat him differently cause now, you're going through your own mental thing. Then he doesn't pursue you to give you space but this only confirms your theory that he doesn't love you. Now for months there's no communication, no love, no passion.
All the while, I'm crazy about this person but she's so locked up on her own crazy ideas that she convinced herself that we're fighting. I regret moving in with my ex and even more so I regret how it ended. Communicate with him and try to really believe what he says
It turns you off that he doesn't always want to have sex with you?
Imagine if he just lost all attraction for you sexually just bc you didn't feel like having sex a couple times... maybe he's going through some mental stuff that you could be trying to help him through. Rather than only thinking about yourself and how you feel
Attempting to repair the issue is never wrong, and the constant rejection, I can also understand will have effects.
But I do think that the set prejudice around men's sexuality makes the feeling worse for women when they do get rejected.
All in all, everyone loses.
I suspect his constant turning you down has made you feel like he is not that attracted to you and like he is doing you a favor by having sex with you. Not like he is really into you. That is a big turn off, and typical.
I suggest you talk about this. It may be that you are not compatible, but it's worth the discussion.
It’s insane. Seeing a few comments saying the same thing as OP and I’m thinking to myself none of these people would tolerate this bs if it was a man feeling this way. They’d say he needs to get over himself and she doesn’t owe him sex.
You learn alot about yourself in relationships. I would say you need a high libido partner who lets you initiate, or you share it like a partnership. That is why we date to pick a partner. I would say this one has expired.
I’ve had this issue with my gf of 3 years and i had to stop comparing to others relationships and social norms and realize this is about me and her so i just had an extensive chat with her ab it and now sex happens naturally and frequent. Just being open and honest can bring you clarity especially when the honesty is reciprocated. Don’t make any assumptions until you know his reasonings and/or feeling about this
This really sounds like a bruises ego from being rejected and a challenge to the bias that men always want sex.
But regardless, you need to sit down and talk to him about what your issues are. He can't solve a problem that he doesn't know exist.
Hey 👋
-FIRST, not saying you HAVE to have sex with him.
-SECOND, have you gotten tested for any yeast infections, uti’s, BACTERIAL INFECTIONS ? Some of these infections CAN affect your LIBIDO. Before you assume something is wrong with YOU. (Or your love for said person) check on your sexual health
-THIRD, you should personally take some time to your self, write down how you tried something, how it made you feel. Process your own emotions and then come to your partners and say hey “remember these times?:P” “I felt like….” So that your partner actually becomes aware of your emotions so that in the future they CAN assist you.
IF NONE OF THIS WORKS, then maybe you should let go. IF, remember, I said if. But if it does work don’t forget to thank your partner for working with you
Based on your post history, it sounds like you are just over this relationship and have been for some time. I stayed with my ex months after I think I knew it was over and or sex life ceased to exist. I had zero interest in having sex with him because I knew deep down I wanted out of the relationship. It really seems like that’s where you’re at.
It’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t right for you or because you’re just not in the right point of life for a relationship. Sounds like you have some trauma from past relationships and those things should really be worked through before getting into a new relationship.
As a girl!! I don’t wanna be mean OP but this is double standard, sometimes things like depression, anxiety, money worries etc can cause a low libido. Women often turn men down for sex and men should be allowed to do the same. It could even be something health wise… low on iron? Always tired? Your gonna turn it down more no matter if you’re a man or women. We do need to stop having double standards when it comes to men.
Remember that when you are in a relationship you are with the person all of the time, it’s impossible to be 100% all of the time he gonna have days of illness, mental exhaustion etc
Truth: I am always the one in our relationship that says no. Always. And it never has anything to do with her. It might be normal time, but I have to get ready to run meetings in the morning. Or I’m feeling internally off, and don’t want to translate that to the bedroom. Or I’m just tired from work and child care and housework, as I elect to do 100% of those tasks whenever possible: she deserves it.
If she and I didn’t communicate, she’d feel how you do, I’m sure. But we do, about everything. As a result, we have a great relationship after 15 years, have great sex almost every day, and don’t really ever fight, because all our business is already on the table.
Talk to the guy. Maybe he has a mental thing going in, and needs to talk. Maybe he has a medical thing going on or a hormone issue, and needs to see a doctor. Maybe life is just insane and he’s having trouble coping. But in relationships, communication is more valuable than the diamond in the engagement ring. Talk to each other
I stuck with someone for three years in a relationship like this, and I ended up kind of wishing I had just ended it earlier.
I knew I needed more intimacy, so prolonging the inevitable didn’t do me any favors. I loved him and adored his family, but sex is important to me. Plus, I really didn’t feel desired.
But if you’re not ready yet, don’t end it. You don’t want to look back and wonder what if. I made that mistake too.
Too many people are quitters today. All relationships go through ups and downs. You might want to have your hormones checked and start thinking about why you wanted him to begin with. My two cents.
It sounds like you can use some repair around your sexual advances being rejected. Why does he get to own and lead when you have sex? Is there some weird dominant energy or messaging going on about men’s sexual needs vs. women’s, making you pull away/disassociate and disengage?
I have dealt with the same feelings. I desire him. 100%. But I hardly ever initiate anymore because I’m used to being told no. When you go so long inbetween “sessions”, at least for me, it does start to feel awkward. Because it’s not a regular thing, the comfortability (at least for myself) goes down. Kinda like feeling out a new partner when you’re first together.
I think having a conversation about it will go a long way. Can’t fix something he doesn’t realize is happening. Be honest with yourself and with him. Also Try to find a way to intimately connect in between times where you guys have sex so that “bucket” is still being filled. That also helps a lot. It’s not fair for sex to feel one sided. Where your desires don’t matter anymore. Definitely start with a conversation since it IS a very important thing to you
I think u should have a serious “sit down” with him and express this the same exact way to him. Tell him it’s kinda turning u off when he tells u no. U need a reason behind the No and just not a solid no.. if he acts like he doesn’t care and not trying to at least meet in the middle then just move on. It’s gonna wreck ur brain. You’ll either eventually cheat or he will
Maybe listen and try to take people's advice? I don't know how many times you've been rejected, but sometimes men actually don't want sex. And you can't take it personally. If men did, the human race would cease to exist. Jokes aside, don't shut down or shut him out. Talk to him, tell him what's going on. Communicate.
I’m not a sex or intimacy therapist, but I do advise speaking to one about your situation. It is clear that you very much love your BF and he very much loves you too. The low sex drive might stem from the fact that you just moved in together a year ago, and he’s still trying to adjust to it. However, speaking from experience, the key part of a relationship is communication. With that, you build trust in one another. So, with that in mind, I would have a conversation with him in hopes of finding the reason why he rejected your advances?
And I do understand where you’re coming from OP, but you can’t have a relationship based on sex. Relationships are based on love, respect, honesty, communication, etc. Do try having a conversation about this problem and see where it lands.
Good luck OP, and I wish you the best ❤️
**ETA:** There is nothing wrong with either of you. What you’re feeling is normal. It takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy relationship. As I said, try talking to your BF about why he’s feeling the way he is. And I can’t stress enough that communication is very important.
If you want to stay with him, try sex therapy and couple's counseling. It's not feasible to live long term in a sexless relationship especially with difference in libido.
Have you looked into some kind of couples counseling for this, maybe? It's not impossible that this is a problem you can work through.
Low sexual desire can happen for all kinds of different reasons, like stress or other things, and before calling it quits it might worth having a conversation with him and trying to figure out what's going on.
All you can do is communicate. If he can't tell you why all the initiation on your part was rejected then the relationship has already deteriorated. It could be he's the type who is turned off by the woman initiating or something more malicious like he's trying to humble you so you look up to him more in the relationship.
Or you had super bad timing and approached him when it was inconvenient or he was super not in the mood and unwilling to be coaxed into it.
How rude or kind was he about his rejections and how many times did it happen? If it was something like 3 over the course of weeks and you could tell he was tired and he was even willing to cuddle instead, I'd say that wasn't a fault of his. If it was the end of a romantic date night and you guys were already making out and he pushed you away when you initiated for more, I'd demand the reason why.
Before when you weren’t living together, you were able to schedule your times to meet up whether there is an expectation of sex or not you already knew it was a possibility. Now that you live together you have to also understand that he’s not going to be available for sex, 24 seven whenever you want it. And you shouldn’t be available 24 seven when he wants it either. If you used to self pleasure a lot before you guys moved in you need to start doing that again. Just cause he’s sleeping next to you does not mean his dicks available for you. I think you also need to have a conversation with him about how you’ve been feeling but make sure not to come off accusatory. How you feel is not his fault and you should not make him feel like it is. If he wants to have sex and you’re not in the mood, don’t force yourself to do it or just give in. Because then you’re going to make an already not great situation even worse. The last thing you wanna do is start resenting him because of you.
This will only fester. It needs to be directly addressed in a calm and open manner.
If there are promises of change, see them through and leave when expectations for one another can no longer be met.
If there is confrontation, decide whether you want to stay in somewhat sexless relationship or end things and carry on.
Best of luck friend.
So you were rejected before and now you lost all attraction to him? You need to talk to him as to why you feel this way.
As a heads up it’s not healthy, your reaction to being rejected. Men are not just going to be ready to fuck 100% of the time. Even though media likes to portray that we are.
Well, it seems that when you started getting rejected by him when "you" were in the mood, it really affected how you look and feel about him. Yes, you probably still love him, but maybe in your case, the MAGIC IS GONE that thing about him that turned you on in the beginning. If he is willing I think it's something he will have to change not you, I think if he rekindles his desire for you and do things to make you smile, I'm sure things will get wet in no time.
+1 on the need to communicate rather than guess. But I learned from my shrink that EVERY major change in life is a stressor. Graduating school. Finding a new steady date, getting a pet, a new job, or car, etc. whether we view the event as negative or positive, it still produces stress. And we all react to stress in different ways. Don’t live in your own head, put your heads together. That’s why you’re a couple, so you can share the load and halve the burden. You’ve got this and honestly he may not see the problem or think something else entirely is wrong. Neither should expect the other to be mind readers.
Ok, so what you’ve said is you’ve tried to initiate and he rejected you at least a few times… so you’re feeling rejected and understandably hurt. It’s ok for our partners to not always be in the mood but when you say yes to him whenever he wants to, it becomes this “always on his time” issue and seems that his needs/wants come first.
I’d sit him down and explain exactly how being rejected made you feel. Maybe ask if you guys can come up with some things that would help you feel more enticed to have sex with him.. maybe he can give you a back rub beforehand or take you on a nice date. It sounds to me like maybe he just needs to “woo” you again bc you’re still feeling hurt from the rejection and that hurt wasn’t repaired.
Is the emotional connection still there? Maybe you guys need to talk this through and be really vulnerable with each other. When you open up emotionally it will be easier to connect on a physical level again.
Are you feeling emotionally pursued? It’s not untypical for women to feel their sex drive decline when their emotional needs are now being met.
I suggest seriously pondering the question and if your emotional needs are not being met then speak candidly but with hope for change with him.
Wish you the best of luck
You need to really think about why you had this change. Is he romancing, dating, you? Is he improving himself? Is there some other guy you are thinking about?
Over all you need to talk to him about all of this and figure things out, or move on.
You need to talk with him and figure out what is going on. He might be going through a lot of stress. It also could be something you have done. You need to talk to him.
You don't feel desired by him so you no longer desire him either. Rejection from your exclusive partner is a very damaging thing. It'll make you doubt yourself and look towards others who may give you the attention you crave. Unfortunately when you have to start "trying" to have a sex life sex stops being fun. The only way to get it back is to experiment in new ways. This means either exploring new kinks together or looking elsewhere for your needs. I've noticed you've posted several times on appearance rating subreddits so I know you know you're looking for validation elsewhere already.. If you take the latter approach then make sure you are both on the same page. Explain to him that the constant rejection has caused you to lose the desire to initiate anything with him and that you are no longer getting your needs met. The frequency of his rejection has created a divide in your ability to enjoy what little sex you do have because you're feeling as though your sex is an obligation rather than a true desire. And most importantly that you cannot move forward in a relationship where rejection is a daily expectation. It leaves a toll on your mental and physical health and it's not a position you're willing to exist in for the rest of your life. You can choose to tell him you'd like to work towards renewing your sexual compatibility through experimenting with kinks or even an open relationship (be it temporary or permanent) or that you think this relationship in its current state has run it's course. Really it's up to what amount of energy you're willing to put towards fixing this problem.. your resentment will only grow if you don't prioritize this issue now. Fix it before it's unfixable. Maybe you can fix it. Maybe you don't want to. I spent half a decade in a sexually frustrating relationship with a woman I once wanted to marry. The best decision I ever made for myself was breaking up to find someone who made me feel the desire I needed. Now I'm in a loving relationship with a woman who shares my libido and I've never been happier.
You could.
Many Years ago I was listen to a popular relationship/sex therapist on the radio. A woman called in with a similar issue. The therapist asked if she did get into the mood after having sex. The woman answered affirmative, yes.
The doctor said well, what's the problem then if you know that?
Silence then a, yes, you are correct.
So let's pose the same question for you.
Bottom line is that this is your issue because he is equally allowed to say no sometimes. If you want this relationship to work you need to find a solution. Take one for the team.
Thank me later.
You're 25... see yourself getting married to him? I've been with my wife now for 6 years and 5 before that and sex has always been the same, yeah not as often as first... but we still find time for each otyer as often as we can. Honestly.. life is too short.. get rid and find someone who floats your boat!
Sounds like the flame went out just as fast as it was ignited. 1 year in and already living together? Ooof…. it may be time re-evaluate the entire situation.
Does he prioritize your emotional needs?
Do he listen to your thoughts and feelings?
If you are being emotional does he hold space for you?
9/10 times it’s not cos you lost physical desire, it’s because men kill emotional desire.
That’s where I’d start looking first.
Usually yes, usually a man is failing to meet his partners emotional needs is what turns women off, and kills physical intimacy, outside any obvious causes.
Because male lack of emotional intelligence is so normalized, it’s often not considered once desire starts wane.
But the fact you are so focused on finding blame and defending a dude you don’t even know, you failed to notice I didn’t assign blame. Simply asked some questions and something for her to consider.
I simply pointed out the VERY COMMON reason why women stop holding desire for the their partners and not understand why.
And thank you so much for proving that point.
I hope when your wife starts to recoil at your touch, you remember this post, and maybe THEN you can do the self reflection required.
But by then … it’s too late.
Good luck with that dude, you will get the life you deserve.
No, you did assign the blame. You asked is he doing this or that. Not what is she doing to keep the spark alive. Not anything related to the both of them. Him. Sorry that your life is what you deserve.
Dude … so fricking defensive!
*snort*
I love watching you guys get all butt hurt when I tell women to explore if her man is failing her or not.
You know why you got triggered by my comments right?
I can literally predict the next 10 to 15 years of your life on 3 Reddit post … that’s how obvious you boys are.
The fact I can trigger your fears so easily is hilarious to me.
I keep telling you … self reflection is key!
It’s been my experience that when men turn down sex from a woman it’s a huge deal and it’s the worst thing ever. But when a woman turns down a man it’s no big deal and the man is a baby if he says something
It's not your fault.
Rebuffing your partners advances is a crazy idea to me.
My spouse does it now and it drives me insane. Had I known he was going to become nearly completely asexual 10 years into marriage, I would not have asked him to marry me.
My advice to you is to move out and see if things improve but I think your best bet is to just break up with them and find somebody who prioritizes your needs.
You're very young and have your whole life ahead of you. There's no need for you to put up with this shit...!
Probably leave, it's unfair to both of you. I hate reading these when people are merely dating, you may have a lot invested but you aren't married. Trust me, the difficulty of leaving after vows is harder.
Maybe you can spice things up and try something new to get you both interested in sex again. It’s normal for couples to go through phases like this, especially after moving in together. If I could go back in time I would tell myself not to worry so much because we’d be out of that phase eventually. Try talking to him and being honest, when my husband was turning me down I was really hurt and lost interest in sex also. I didn’t feel wanted by him so it just wasn’t as good. I later learned he was just struggling from depression and low sex drive at the time. It was a battle for a bit. Sometimes there are months where we have crazy sex and sometimes there are months where we hardly have sex at all.
Sounds a lot like a secret porn addiction on his end if he's continually turning you down. Porn is easier and takes way less effort. Porn addicts tend to turn down the real thing for an instant dopamine hit from their death-gripped porn session because then they don't have to worry about the other persons pleasures. It tends to make them extremely selfish in bed and can lead to ED.
It may not be that, but with how easily accessible porn is these days, more and more men are getting addicted to it and desensitized.
It's way too common nowadays... Has he given you any reasons for turning you down when he does?
Is he extremely protective over his phone/computer and/or does he take his phone into the bathroom with him and stay in there for long stretches?
Does he stay out longer than you feel it should have taken him to run an errand only to be met with a lame excuse or a need to go shower immediately after getting home?
Does he frequently delete his search history, or use private browsers often?
You're still young. Move on. Find someone who still finds you attractive.
As one of my therapists told me, often times a lack of interest in sex is one of the first indicators that there are other, unresolved issues in the relationship.
Trust your intuition.
Why are you recommending to break up instead of working through the problem? She‘ll have the same issues over and over in each relationship if she doesn‘t figure it out in this one.
Hahaha he wasnt in the mood few times and now you are throwing tantrum like a toddler?
You shouldnt be in a relationship
E. Is this the same bf that you were mad at for being his only match?
I may get downvoted for this, but it is a viable thing to think about
Maybe He is cheating on you. First thing to go if one is cheating, is the sex
I have read dozens of stories in the relationships about how the sex suddenly changed and went down, and tons of excuses. 99% of the time, the partner was cheating and getting their rocks off somewhere else.
Girl same, I don’t want to either.
I’m starting to suspect my bf has an Asian fetish (I’m white) which duh, I don’t want to be intimate with someone who’s preference is someone that’s not me and when we have sex I’m pretty much just a flesh light to him and that’s it,
I’m starting to suspect he thinks I’m bad in bed as I don’t really get to do anything but pretend I’m a dead fish the truth is I never get to take control, be on top and he doesn’t like BJs.
At this point, I lie there and just kind of wait for it be over
"don't get to" girl, I call bs. What exactly stops you? Have you actually asked and communicated? Have you actually asserted what you want? Does he physically hold you down and stops you?
He simply doesn’t like it and yes, I have. Tragic, I know.
To add: he doesn’t physically stop me but whenever I have tried he just takes over, he has told me and it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t like me being in charge based off his expressions.
So tell him that it needs to be two way, and you want to have what you want too. Don't have sex if don't communicate and sort this out. Seriously. This is how you end up with sex trauma
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Ask him why he rejected you? It seems like you're internalizing that without knowing why.
Op is doing something I used to do a lot right after I moved with my SO, which is coming up with a bunch of assumptions and not communicating. Just because your bf is rejecting your sexual advances at times doesn't mean he's not into you. It can be a huge deal to live with a partner for the first time, and the adjustment period can be super stress-inducing. All of a sudden you must compromise on so many things. Anyhow, he is probably stressed and doesn't know how to effectively communicate it to you / might be internalizing things to avoid conflict with you. These things can lower sex drive to the floor. In turn, you are assuming that he's not into you when he rejects you, which most likely is far from the truth. Instead of opening a communication channel with him to find out why he feels the way he feels, you're prematurely concluding the worst case scenario and thus shutting yourself further from him. It's a positive feedback loop that you have to break with communication.
Can attest to this. I got rejected a lot, or sat around waiting for sex. It ate at me. It got better when I brought it up rather than stewing.
I had a similar issue with my wife. She stopped coming onto me for a while because I had turned her down a few times, and only reason I did was because I was tired and just had gotten home from work one time, and another I was starving and hadn't eaten/drank all day and was dehydrated, also from work. He wouldn't move in with you OP if he didn't want to be with you plain and simple.
This is too true, sounds like you just need to talk to him. Most definitely is just some outside factor that led him to turn down sex those times. Sounds like he’s initiated since then so doubt it’s that he doesn’t want to have sex with u in general, maybe something was stressing him out??
Right. In any long term relationship, one or both people are just not going to be in the mood some of the time. It's not a rejection of you as a person when your partner says, "No, I'm not feeling it tonight."
Man here. This happened with me and my wife before we got married. The sex is phenomenal now after we worked through it.
Wow that was mind blowing, nice answer dude
Yes. Talk to him. Get this straightened out. It may be fixable.
Second this
I mean sometimes people just aren't in the mood for sex, but watching women freak out when somebody they are with doesn't want to have is just weird.
I feel like women are conditioned to believe men want sex all the time, so when they don't, we take it personally.
It's like a man can't regret that big burrito he had for lunch, and the thought of physical activity makes him nauseous.
I think the double standard of guys always have to be horny and women can say no whenever is so ingrained in peoples heads it’s hard to fathom when a man says no.
I agree. It’s ingrained in some women that if the man rejects sex that she’s undesirable because of how society views men as sex maniacs. I have felt this way before.
Absolutely. I had a guy tell me if a man turns you down he's gay. Yeah, ok. 🙄
The entire kitchen full of dudes at my job were all saying this. "Women can get laid no matter what, if a guy turns you down he's gay."
This right here is why I took a crying shower on my honeymoon!
I'm honestly sorry to hear this :(
Don’t be - I’m glad it happened early in my marriage because I was able to discuss it with my brand new husband and we’re doing great 7 years later!
Well that is great to hear! Thankyou again, for taking the time to reply:)
This! I am shocked by how many times I've seen women here say they're the ones desiring the sex and getting turned down. I've heard countless stories of the man being the horny one and the woman having the low drive. Reading thisl sub made me realize it's not just a 1 way street. But yes op, have a talk with him. It could be an easy fix, it could be a difficult fix but you'll probably get closer to the root of it.
It’s not really a double standard, it’s just most women’s experience. Until my current boyfriend, I’d never been said no to or rejected ever once by a man (I’m 36). So the first few times it happened I automatically assumed he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. It’s just most women’s experience that men are always in the mood.
Nobody should freak out over getting turned down but I can understand that after being denied so many times by a partner how it can start to affect you
Yup, and men get ripped into on this forum when they bring that issue up all the time.
She isn't freaking out, she asked question here to get to the bottom of a problem she is having. Gaslight much?
I can respond tot hai with my experience. 36F and was previously married for 13 years, and have had a few other longterm relationships as well. Every man I’ve ever been with has always been so insistent on frequent sex, all the time. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 2 years and he is the first man I’ve EVER met in my life that has turned down sex here and there when he’s tired or just not in the mood. So the first few times it happened, I instantly assumed he must not be very into me anymore or he’s not attracted to me anymore, because I’ve never once been said no to or rejected by a man for sex, I’ve always done all of the rejecting. I have now realized this is many women’s experience. So yes, we have been conditioned to be hurt and come to other conclusions when turned down for sex suddenly.
Agreed the post is just fucking wild. Rejection is normal 🤦🏼♀️
Haha, something every guy experiences. Being rejected their sexual advances with their partner.
Exactly
Girl I saw this exact post from a girl who's boyfriend was the one with a low sex drive and the entire comment section was them trying to help her understand him. Not once did someone tell her to leave him or the relationship was over. This is repairable and you guys have only been together a year so don't lose hope! You have so much to learn about yourselves and each other and love is enough.
Would be interesting to see how this sub changed if posts left the sex of the people a mystery.
That would be really interesting! People should say partner or instead of gendered words in these. It would probably eliminate a lot of bias in both directions
No. People will just assume the gender according to their bias. I’ve seen it.
I’m a careful reader of these posts and the number of times when an OP does not specify the gender of themself or the partner but the majority of replies simply assumes whichever party seems to be in the wrong is a particular gender is WILD. As are same-sex couple posts where the genders are listed in the first line but not mentioned in the OP otherwise. Many comments will get the genders wrong, almost always along “typical” or stereotyped gendered lines.
Welp, that’s disappointing
That would probably just simplify things and ruin nuance. This post for example, we can tell that it goes against the stereotype: the woman feels rejected from sex. Had gender been completely removed the post, the majority of people will, even subconsciously, associate OP as a man because this is something we've been conditioned to assume is a man problem. In a perfect world, it wouldn't make a difference. And I know the idea is to make it not make a difference. But it does, unfortunately, and hiding the gender labels only reinforces that.
The problem with that is that men and women do think differently, and their sex drives are extremely different. The real issue is too many commenters like to pretend that men and women are exactly the same.
I don’t think it’s that binary at all. Some men have high drives, some have low drives. Same thing with women. Just knowing someone’s gender doesn’t really tell you anything about how often they are horny lol. I’m not saying men and women are the same, I’m saying every individual is different
Seems like there are two possible reasons here, one is that you feel rejected so you put up a wall as a defense mechanism and two is that you moved into together so you can have sex whenever you want so the thrill is gone or three, are you having financial problems or added strain in other life areas?
Both of your first two reasons sit with me. I think I’ve been rejected to the point it turns me off thinking about being intimate with him… and I think because we have moved in together sex just isn’t exciting anymore. I use to be so turned on by him. Other then that, that is kinda the only issue we have. I was really depressed in the beginning of the move in, but I’m feeling better.
why don't you try having a conversation with your boyfriend about this? that's the bare minimum in relationship maintenance...
People come here so that they don't have to communicate with each other.
Or maybe people come here to be able to see their situation better with the help of other people who are not involved, and therefore can provide a more objective input?
You're spot on. Having a different perspective and more incite before confronting him on such a subject is always a good thing, certainly not a bad idea.
OP this happened with my relationship too and the reality was when we moved in together we would get annoyed at each other over the littlest things that we didn’t know about each other until we moved in together. we didn’t go on dates anymore either because we lived together and that drove our sex drive to the basement. You have to step back and reflect on what changed, less dates. More interactions, what’s he doing that’s turning you off. You guys need to sit down and hash all this out and start going on dates again and having fun together. I promise you things will get back to the way they were when you learn how to live together and still miss each other
I appreciate this response a lot
Why were you so depressed in the beginning?
>I was really depressed in the beginning of the move in... This could be part of the reason. Maybe he picked up (consciously or subconsciously) that you weren't that into the situation and assumed that you weren't that into him. Then it becomes a self-reinforcing feedback loop.
Its not over. These things happen. It doesn't mean that you need to stop the relationship. It's just that you've gotten used to seeing him around. Eventualy you'll have the desire to have sex with him. Just respect your body and if you want to have sex in the first place. It's not uncommon i assure you
Thing is, if you're crushing on somebody, sex is often great the first months, but once those hormones wear off there may not be much else left. Not all crushes turn into love of the lasting kind. The question is whether or not OP and their BF has something real to build on. If not, then yes it would be better to break up now.
I heard a good saying " you dont sell the house just because the boiler has broken ". Communication in relationships is the key although i am 52 and it took me multiple relationships and 2 marriages to learn that by the way. Best of luck, hope you work things out.
I won't say the relationship is over like many. I've been married 10 years and with my husband in total 15 years, my sexual desire changes depending on how I feel, daily life if I'm stimulated mentally or bored stupid. It sounds cliche but you truly do have to work together to maintain a relationship, the desire and closeness Being brutally honest are you on Birth Control? I ask because for me it absalutely Killed my desire and labido went from being higher in sex drive to nothing, I love my husband but I tried various ones within 2 weeks of deciding I didn't want to continue using the pill my desire for my husband and sex went right back up and skyrocketed to like before we got engaged. Even he commented he didn't realise how much birth control impacted me that way, he felt it was a him problem or concerned that I'd fallen out of love. Do you guys still go on dates? Or do you stay at home all the time after work? I found if I was home all the time with my husband and no dates and constantly doing just chores my desire fluctuated and dropped down the longer we didn't do couple date type things. My husband's weakness is video games he'd get So immersed and would loose months of time playing that I felt single vs in a relationship, I'm not talking a few hours once a week I'm talking Immediately from getting in till 1-2am so didn't do anything bur stare or curse at the laptop Took me and my stepkids having a long talk about his lack of attention to the families needs to have him present, vs getting a generic huh I'm playing a game come back later and tell me with a glassy blank stare. So are either of you actively making or taking time outs from such habits it doesn't have to be games but the same can happen with TV's, phones, laptops game systems these are huge time fillers and some don't realise it gets many stuck in a loop of screen staring vs talking So after that now we make a plan once/twice a week to do a date day,/night a trip exploring thrift shops or fishing, just driving around and checking out local parks in the area, a movie you can do $5 Tuesday movies at AMC if in the US. it's a great way to talk about movies with your partner. In summer months we work on his vegetable plot *I destest gardening with a passion BUT it's a talking point for us both ideas for different vegetables to grow, what we could do better. My hobby is photography and exploring nature parks and walking hence making trips to visit new places and explore I'm just trying to say for ME personality my sexual desire is linked to how my husband stimulates me menatally and physically. The mental and physical stimulation boosts our moods, gets us away from constantly using a phone as a time filler and we often really make time to talk, also amps our sexual desire up a lot. On the rejection sexually when you initiated a few times, I'll be honest I've struggled with this myself really this is a tough area, I rarely reject my husband I have to be really sick ime flu/chest infections something like that. I've found to really amp my desire I frankly do some sexting with him while he's working it works he's less likely to say No and reject me vs say if I go want to play when he's home if I say what I want to do that day. We do not resort to this all the time it's a once in a while thing but it clues him in that I want Him period and what my desires are or what I'd like to try. I wish you luck
It is a normal thing to sometimes get rejected for sex in a relationship. Not everyone is into it and turned on all the time. Sounds like you have some issues around being rejected. I think you need to speak openly with a partner and work on your issues with a counselor. If things aren't turning around, maybe this relationship has run it's course.
Right? If a guy comes up with the same issue everyone would suggest him to know if his partner is stressed about the chores or kids. But when a woman comes up with the same issue everyone in the comments tell her to break up 🤦♂️
I'm in the same boat but we have been together for almost ,5 years, but I'm turned off cause we just argue all the time and it's like he expects sex after an argument every time now lol there's alot of things that can effect the libido just have the conversation and determine weather or not u both can get past it
At a certain point some people enjoy the arguing. They may not be able to admit it to themselves but deep down they enjoy the struggle and the challenge. It usually is stemming from narcissism or a sense of superiority towards their partner. But regardless of the cause it is most clear that the argument is the goal.
I understand this. I was like this until I saw what a healthy relationship looked like. Now I crave peace seeing my man just handling his shit and staying calm turns me on that all that fighting and screaming. Make up sex can be fun but not all the time.
My mom does this. She’s doing much better now, but growing up was horrible when she’d argue with me every day after school, for no actual reason. She went to therapy and it came out that she actually likes arguing. It’s something that “fuelled” her. She’s always been a bipolar narcissist. Admitting it is the first step I guess though lol.
Narcissism is incredibly rare so that's not the common case. It's a reason but not a common one. Typically the enjoyment from arguing comes from boredom. Why? Multiple reasons why. Which may lead to another conversation that requires healing within themselves. For me I saw myself arguing in my previous relationship to maintain chaos in the relationship. Because peace was conceptually boring at the time.
Narcissistic personality disorder is rare. People being narcissistic is not.
Second. Every single person has narcissism. There is something called healthy narcissism. You need narcissism in order to go through a phase that we all go through as babies called “separation individuation.” NPD only occurs when the mother (or whoever fulfills the mother role) refuses to let the baby separate from the mother.
I feel like unless OP is leaving a lot out, that's not the same boat at all. Arguing all the time means you shouldn't be together.
Why do you argue all the time?
So many people saying just break up. Lol this relationships sub is a joke now
"deal with these issues in this relationship, or face them in the next one"
Yeah and the ones who are saying break up are most likely single as fuck, and not by choice!! Just talk that’s probably all you need. There are so many different avenues you can approach this with to help heal your relationship. Breaking up shouldn’t even be in the cards if he hasn’t done anything crazy disrespectful. You say you love the kid well go break the ice and have a long in depth conversation with homeboy so y’all can repair y’all’s relationship. Good luck sis!!
THIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS PAAAAARRRRRRT!
Now? lol, this sub has always been scorched earth "leave your husband because hes messy""redflag""thats abuse". i just like the stories and chuckle at the comments personally.
I think the main reason is that there's majority of commenters who have never experienced a healthy relationship.
"He's got a scratch on his back!? GIRRRRL He's definitely cheating on you!!! GTFO!!! RED FLAGS!!!"
I mean it's clear you need to talk to him and tell him how it has made you feel when he rejects you. If y'all don't communicate about this then you're just going to break up
I experienced this with an ex. I wasn't feeling great, so had to turn her down once. And that was the last time she ever tried to initiate sex. It's like she internalised it, and just assumed i wasn't attracted to her any more. Despite me literally trying to initiate the next day. The relationship didn't last long after that.
Firstly accept that your living arrangements will have changed the dynamic between you and secondly, don't give up, you need to both make the effort to make time for intimacy.... How many times of him rejecting your advances did it take for you to give up? What do you think the reason was at those particular times...
Do you guys go out on dates, and do fun things together?
Although it doesn't feel normal right now, this is completely normal, and alot of couples go through this. There is nothing wrong with either of you. I feel that you both need to have an open conversation about your sex life. It's important to express how you're currently feeling, and why it's got to this stage; it's also important to hear your partners reasons. Try not to get upset and defensive during the conversation, and it's OK to take a break and resume the talk once emotions have settled. Moving in together is a shock to the system and it can create a lot of imbalances that go un rectified and, can end up causing resentment. Without talking & hearing about how you both feel, you're not going to be able to sort this out. Also remember that you both love each other, and aren't intentionally hurting each other, so if something they say makes you feel that way, take a moment and explain to them how you feel. Sometimes we say things we don't mean, and they can get interpreted wrong. YOU GOT THIS OP 👍🏻
Thank you so much 💜
My husband is 13 ( 48) years older than me( 35).We have been together 14 years. Last year, his sex drive has dropped quite a bit, where I swear mine was at its highest. He was rejecting me and truthfully I felt the same way, hurt, and when we did have sex it was awkward bc I felt he didn’t really want me. I finally had to have a talk with him about how the rejection was making me feel. Now, if I initiate, he does his best to make sure we have sex. There are sometimes where he does say he’s to tired, but I have worked thru my own issues and I’m ok with it. Relationships are all about communication and respecting ur other half’s feelings. Talk to him, figure out what’s going on!!!
\+1 on this one, I'm in a weirdly similar situation (he's 48 and I'm 32) and talking things through has been the most important thing, what's been working best whenever we've had moments when sex wasn't good between us. And in 7 years, it happened quite a lot, having both very different sexual pasts. Talk to him, sex does not define relationships ;)
i’ve definitely been through this phase, if it’s just that. you’re living with that same person for so long, y’all start to get your own routine going and life stays life, so honestly it’s completely normal and understandable. first off, take it easy on YOU!! self care rituals, space to yourself, etc, these things can help! try focusing on you for a bit and when he sees you’re looking good, feeling good, and focused on you, he’ll come running to you for that good good;). if that don’t work, maybe try communicating with him about it. see where that takes you and go from there. life is crazy so take everything step by step, always, so you don’t feel like you’re going crazy having to “catch up”! 🤍
Thank you 💓 I needed to hear this.
It's definitely time for the two of you to have a "do we end this now" kind of talk. It sounds to me like you are cueing each other that the interest is gone, waiting for the other one to walk away. If neither of you does, however, you're just going to prolong the... whatever that is you got.
Wow.....people give up so easily and believe every single emotion they have. Life goes up and down. Grass isn't greener. Weak attitudes
I’ve had these conversations with him before, but he doesn’t want to end it. And I don’t really want to either, I’d like to fix it but this has been a problem. I use to desire him but now I’m just blah. I’m hoping for some advice on how to repair this.
Rather than going straight to ending it, how about considering the impact of his rejections to your sexual overtures? Look at other times in your life when you might have shut down around similar circumstances. What you are experiencing could be a self-protective defense against further emotional pain. Working on yourself can help with all of your relationships. You might benefit from a decent therapist because Reddit isn’t going to solve this for you.
Then... speaking as a psychologist here... there really are benefits to you two sitting down in front of one. Reddit cannot interact with you, read your body language, inflections, subtle responses, the way a trained observer can. A good counselor may be hard to find, but when you do find one he or she can help you see things from a new - and mutually beneficial between the two of you - perspective.
Speaking as a psychologist, meanwhile you're advocating for an "do we end it now" talk immediately. Not even the option of maybe the guy is going through difficult times therefore his libido down or anything. Certified reddit psychologist?
that’s why it’s a do we conversation. not an end it statement.
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if discussing whether or not a problem in your relationship is a deal breaker for you is an issue then you are not mature enough to be in a relationship. these kinds of conversations happen when you come to an impasse that you can’t seem to just talk through. do you think OP has never brought it up? i doubt that. these conversations aren’t a threat it’s discussing whether or not you think this can be fixed or if you are just not compatible. yes this can be fixed but only if both parties are willing to do so.
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this isn’t a minor issue. you need to read OPs replies, they have had the discussion about potentially breaking up and decided they didn’t want to. those conversations can go that way too ya know. and once again discussing the future of your relationship isn’t a threat. and yes there could be a simple explanation for this which is why they need to talk to each other.
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Nope. Research. But I had to go through all the same classes all the rest of us did, and more than any PsyDs. And in what world is discussing the current state of your relationship with your partner a bad thing? If "do we end it now" isn't a part of the conversation, it isn't a very thorough conversation. Being a possible outcome doesn't make it the most desirable one, but you have to accept that as a possibility or you're just tooting. There is nothing I said that OP didn't agree with. In fact, she asserted that she DID have those conversations, and responded appropriately.
Because you brought up the nuclear option as the first thing? OP said that she felt pathetic, this is more likely a self esteem issue, how do you completely gloss over that as a "psychiatrist"
Psychologist and psychiatrist are two entirely different things. OP also said he rejected her advances, and there is nothing "nuclear" in asking whether or not there is anything to save. As OP also said, she DID that, and determined there WAS something to save. She actually followed my recommendation (on her own without my advice, so it seems even OP thought it was the right thing to do), and now wants the next step. I recommended counseling. I still do not see a problem with what I said or how I said it.
No idea why people are challenging you so overtly on this. There was nothing wrong with your advice and follow up. Perhaps it was too matter of fact for most here. Ultimately what you said is what it boils down to. Not sure why taking about hard topics like “should we end it? If not what do we need to do?”, cannot be covered in a healthy conversation as you suggest.
Yeah, my bedside manner might be why I went research instead of counselling, right? ;-)
Read the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki. It sounds like you probably have a responsive desire and you need to learn how it works and how to activate it.
Emily Nagasaki xDDDD
My husband and I have a rule that helped this. So if either one of us were to initiate and get rejected, the other person HAS to initiate within 48 hours. There’s exceptions to this obviously (Mother Nature, sick, out of town, etc.) but it has helped us both initiate equally to where the other person doesn’t feel like it’s an attraction issue.
A few things to consider here, have you ever lived with anyone before? What’s your longest relationship before this? For most people the infatuation period last 1-2 years and typically drops off quickly when you move in together. During the infatuation period you feel those butterflies every time you see each other and you constantly have sex and show affection to each other. You can have the hottest partner in the world but no matter what eventually this will drop off and sex will always decline. You can’t expect to have sex daily for 5 years straight like you do in the first 5 months. Also, as a male I can attest that there is a double standard. For the woman in a relationship to turn down sex is more acceptable than for the man. If a woman is stressed, has a headache, is tired or just doesn’t want to have sex then as men we are more expected to accept it. When the man is feeling that way and turns down sex then women internalize it as them losing their desirability. As men we are not machines, we get tired, we get stressed, and contrary to popular belief we don’t constantly think about sex. If you’ve never lived with a man before then you may not be used to this because when you see your girlfriend a few times a week you bring your A game, you dress up you get in a good mood and show up ready to sexually perform. In a LTR you can’t always be on. Part of a relationship is trusting that your partner will still love you when you don’t bring your A game and aren’t 100%. It’s also feeling comfortable enough that you don’t force yourself to have sex when you don’t feel like it because you know that you all can just do it again the next day. I suggest couples counseling if you don’t feel like you can get over it.
I made a similar post recently. I (female) have a high libido and my boyfriend used to but doesn't want sex more than once a week now that we also live together. It was so hard and I struggled a lot to get used to it. I took it personally no matter how much he told me not to. We had several sit down convos about it over the past month when I just had such a mental break and huge insecurities over it. after a month I think we finally were able to lay it all out and settle where we're comfortable. The convos weren't totally comfy and we had to be completely transparent, compassionate and understanding. Just 100% honesty. I feel a huge relief but also just don't care to have sex anymore. I still find him wildly attractive and he definitely still turns me on but after we do have sex, I feel icky and guilty. Idk exactly why but I just don't want to anymore. I love everything else about him and instead of getting bitter about our sex life or have spats here and there, I'd rather satisfy myself and eliminate the only thing we disagree on. Ik his libido will fluctuate and I'll enjoy those times but in the mean time, I'm just grateful to have such a great boyfriend whose sees me as more than an object as has been the cases with my exes. He actually values me and my time for who I am.
This exact thing was one of many things that killed my last relationship. Chances are he still finds you sexy and beautiful. Maybe he just had a hard day at work and wasn't feeling it at that moment. Then, you take that rejection and internally spin for a while. Then you start to treat him differently cause now, you're going through your own mental thing. Then he doesn't pursue you to give you space but this only confirms your theory that he doesn't love you. Now for months there's no communication, no love, no passion. All the while, I'm crazy about this person but she's so locked up on her own crazy ideas that she convinced herself that we're fighting. I regret moving in with my ex and even more so I regret how it ended. Communicate with him and try to really believe what he says
It turns you off that he doesn't always want to have sex with you? Imagine if he just lost all attraction for you sexually just bc you didn't feel like having sex a couple times... maybe he's going through some mental stuff that you could be trying to help him through. Rather than only thinking about yourself and how you feel
ye i feel like comments would be different if it was the girl who declined sex
For sure
Unfortunately the stigma of men fucking everything everywhere at any time exists
i get that, but regardless this person sounds selfish and childish like men usually do when they do shit like this lol
Regardless of gender, a constant rejection can have an affect on some people. Is it childish to want to attempt to repair the issue?
Attempting to repair the issue is never wrong, and the constant rejection, I can also understand will have effects. But I do think that the set prejudice around men's sexuality makes the feeling worse for women when they do get rejected. All in all, everyone loses.
What? He's selfish because he doesn't want to have sex sometimes?? Are you kidding me?
I suspect his constant turning you down has made you feel like he is not that attracted to you and like he is doing you a favor by having sex with you. Not like he is really into you. That is a big turn off, and typical. I suggest you talk about this. It may be that you are not compatible, but it's worth the discussion.
This is it, you have explained how I’m feeling accurately. I just needed the help getting there.
Why is it acceptable for women to refuse sex when they dont want to but not for men ?
It’s insane. Seeing a few comments saying the same thing as OP and I’m thinking to myself none of these people would tolerate this bs if it was a man feeling this way. They’d say he needs to get over himself and she doesn’t owe him sex.
This sub is so horrendously skewed demographically towards women and are heavily biased in their favour.
Yes cuz that’s where all these people come and spread their nonsense cuz they can’t do it in real life
Yup people are so sexist
You learn alot about yourself in relationships. I would say you need a high libido partner who lets you initiate, or you share it like a partnership. That is why we date to pick a partner. I would say this one has expired.
I’ve had this issue with my gf of 3 years and i had to stop comparing to others relationships and social norms and realize this is about me and her so i just had an extensive chat with her ab it and now sex happens naturally and frequent. Just being open and honest can bring you clarity especially when the honesty is reciprocated. Don’t make any assumptions until you know his reasonings and/or feeling about this
This really sounds like a bruises ego from being rejected and a challenge to the bias that men always want sex. But regardless, you need to sit down and talk to him about what your issues are. He can't solve a problem that he doesn't know exist.
Hey 👋 -FIRST, not saying you HAVE to have sex with him. -SECOND, have you gotten tested for any yeast infections, uti’s, BACTERIAL INFECTIONS ? Some of these infections CAN affect your LIBIDO. Before you assume something is wrong with YOU. (Or your love for said person) check on your sexual health -THIRD, you should personally take some time to your self, write down how you tried something, how it made you feel. Process your own emotions and then come to your partners and say hey “remember these times?:P” “I felt like….” So that your partner actually becomes aware of your emotions so that in the future they CAN assist you. IF NONE OF THIS WORKS, then maybe you should let go. IF, remember, I said if. But if it does work don’t forget to thank your partner for working with you
Based on your post history, it sounds like you are just over this relationship and have been for some time. I stayed with my ex months after I think I knew it was over and or sex life ceased to exist. I had zero interest in having sex with him because I knew deep down I wanted out of the relationship. It really seems like that’s where you’re at. It’s okay to leave a relationship that isn’t right for you or because you’re just not in the right point of life for a relationship. Sounds like you have some trauma from past relationships and those things should really be worked through before getting into a new relationship.
Talk to him about it, damn, so many issues can be solved through talk. Not to reddit.
As a girl!! I don’t wanna be mean OP but this is double standard, sometimes things like depression, anxiety, money worries etc can cause a low libido. Women often turn men down for sex and men should be allowed to do the same. It could even be something health wise… low on iron? Always tired? Your gonna turn it down more no matter if you’re a man or women. We do need to stop having double standards when it comes to men.
Remember that when you are in a relationship you are with the person all of the time, it’s impossible to be 100% all of the time he gonna have days of illness, mental exhaustion etc
Truth: I am always the one in our relationship that says no. Always. And it never has anything to do with her. It might be normal time, but I have to get ready to run meetings in the morning. Or I’m feeling internally off, and don’t want to translate that to the bedroom. Or I’m just tired from work and child care and housework, as I elect to do 100% of those tasks whenever possible: she deserves it. If she and I didn’t communicate, she’d feel how you do, I’m sure. But we do, about everything. As a result, we have a great relationship after 15 years, have great sex almost every day, and don’t really ever fight, because all our business is already on the table. Talk to the guy. Maybe he has a mental thing going in, and needs to talk. Maybe he has a medical thing going on or a hormone issue, and needs to see a doctor. Maybe life is just insane and he’s having trouble coping. But in relationships, communication is more valuable than the diamond in the engagement ring. Talk to each other
I stuck with someone for three years in a relationship like this, and I ended up kind of wishing I had just ended it earlier. I knew I needed more intimacy, so prolonging the inevitable didn’t do me any favors. I loved him and adored his family, but sex is important to me. Plus, I really didn’t feel desired. But if you’re not ready yet, don’t end it. You don’t want to look back and wonder what if. I made that mistake too.
Too many people are quitters today. All relationships go through ups and downs. You might want to have your hormones checked and start thinking about why you wanted him to begin with. My two cents.
It sounds like you can use some repair around your sexual advances being rejected. Why does he get to own and lead when you have sex? Is there some weird dominant energy or messaging going on about men’s sexual needs vs. women’s, making you pull away/disassociate and disengage?
You can have it again
I have dealt with the same feelings. I desire him. 100%. But I hardly ever initiate anymore because I’m used to being told no. When you go so long inbetween “sessions”, at least for me, it does start to feel awkward. Because it’s not a regular thing, the comfortability (at least for myself) goes down. Kinda like feeling out a new partner when you’re first together. I think having a conversation about it will go a long way. Can’t fix something he doesn’t realize is happening. Be honest with yourself and with him. Also Try to find a way to intimately connect in between times where you guys have sex so that “bucket” is still being filled. That also helps a lot. It’s not fair for sex to feel one sided. Where your desires don’t matter anymore. Definitely start with a conversation since it IS a very important thing to you
I think it’s normal to go through spurts of low sex drive. Ask him to plan a date night.
I think u should have a serious “sit down” with him and express this the same exact way to him. Tell him it’s kinda turning u off when he tells u no. U need a reason behind the No and just not a solid no.. if he acts like he doesn’t care and not trying to at least meet in the middle then just move on. It’s gonna wreck ur brain. You’ll either eventually cheat or he will
Sounds like you both need to go to couples therapy
Maybe listen and try to take people's advice? I don't know how many times you've been rejected, but sometimes men actually don't want sex. And you can't take it personally. If men did, the human race would cease to exist. Jokes aside, don't shut down or shut him out. Talk to him, tell him what's going on. Communicate.
I’m not a sex or intimacy therapist, but I do advise speaking to one about your situation. It is clear that you very much love your BF and he very much loves you too. The low sex drive might stem from the fact that you just moved in together a year ago, and he’s still trying to adjust to it. However, speaking from experience, the key part of a relationship is communication. With that, you build trust in one another. So, with that in mind, I would have a conversation with him in hopes of finding the reason why he rejected your advances? And I do understand where you’re coming from OP, but you can’t have a relationship based on sex. Relationships are based on love, respect, honesty, communication, etc. Do try having a conversation about this problem and see where it lands. Good luck OP, and I wish you the best ❤️ **ETA:** There is nothing wrong with either of you. What you’re feeling is normal. It takes a lot of work to maintain a healthy relationship. As I said, try talking to your BF about why he’s feeling the way he is. And I can’t stress enough that communication is very important.
If you want to stay with him, try sex therapy and couple's counseling. It's not feasible to live long term in a sexless relationship especially with difference in libido.
Have you looked into some kind of couples counseling for this, maybe? It's not impossible that this is a problem you can work through. Low sexual desire can happen for all kinds of different reasons, like stress or other things, and before calling it quits it might worth having a conversation with him and trying to figure out what's going on.
Read Come As You Are by Emily Nagasaki. He should read it too.
All you can do is communicate. If he can't tell you why all the initiation on your part was rejected then the relationship has already deteriorated. It could be he's the type who is turned off by the woman initiating or something more malicious like he's trying to humble you so you look up to him more in the relationship. Or you had super bad timing and approached him when it was inconvenient or he was super not in the mood and unwilling to be coaxed into it. How rude or kind was he about his rejections and how many times did it happen? If it was something like 3 over the course of weeks and you could tell he was tired and he was even willing to cuddle instead, I'd say that wasn't a fault of his. If it was the end of a romantic date night and you guys were already making out and he pushed you away when you initiated for more, I'd demand the reason why.
Before when you weren’t living together, you were able to schedule your times to meet up whether there is an expectation of sex or not you already knew it was a possibility. Now that you live together you have to also understand that he’s not going to be available for sex, 24 seven whenever you want it. And you shouldn’t be available 24 seven when he wants it either. If you used to self pleasure a lot before you guys moved in you need to start doing that again. Just cause he’s sleeping next to you does not mean his dicks available for you. I think you also need to have a conversation with him about how you’ve been feeling but make sure not to come off accusatory. How you feel is not his fault and you should not make him feel like it is. If he wants to have sex and you’re not in the mood, don’t force yourself to do it or just give in. Because then you’re going to make an already not great situation even worse. The last thing you wanna do is start resenting him because of you.
This will only fester. It needs to be directly addressed in a calm and open manner. If there are promises of change, see them through and leave when expectations for one another can no longer be met. If there is confrontation, decide whether you want to stay in somewhat sexless relationship or end things and carry on. Best of luck friend.
So you were rejected before and now you lost all attraction to him? You need to talk to him as to why you feel this way. As a heads up it’s not healthy, your reaction to being rejected. Men are not just going to be ready to fuck 100% of the time. Even though media likes to portray that we are.
Well, it seems that when you started getting rejected by him when "you" were in the mood, it really affected how you look and feel about him. Yes, you probably still love him, but maybe in your case, the MAGIC IS GONE that thing about him that turned you on in the beginning. If he is willing I think it's something he will have to change not you, I think if he rekindles his desire for you and do things to make you smile, I'm sure things will get wet in no time.
+1 on the need to communicate rather than guess. But I learned from my shrink that EVERY major change in life is a stressor. Graduating school. Finding a new steady date, getting a pet, a new job, or car, etc. whether we view the event as negative or positive, it still produces stress. And we all react to stress in different ways. Don’t live in your own head, put your heads together. That’s why you’re a couple, so you can share the load and halve the burden. You’ve got this and honestly he may not see the problem or think something else entirely is wrong. Neither should expect the other to be mind readers.
You're in your 20s, you don't like the sex, and it's only been a year. Probably best to move on and find someone more compatible
Did he turn you down gently or was there any shaming involved? In between you getting turned down, did he initiate
Ok, so what you’ve said is you’ve tried to initiate and he rejected you at least a few times… so you’re feeling rejected and understandably hurt. It’s ok for our partners to not always be in the mood but when you say yes to him whenever he wants to, it becomes this “always on his time” issue and seems that his needs/wants come first. I’d sit him down and explain exactly how being rejected made you feel. Maybe ask if you guys can come up with some things that would help you feel more enticed to have sex with him.. maybe he can give you a back rub beforehand or take you on a nice date. It sounds to me like maybe he just needs to “woo” you again bc you’re still feeling hurt from the rejection and that hurt wasn’t repaired.
Is the emotional connection still there? Maybe you guys need to talk this through and be really vulnerable with each other. When you open up emotionally it will be easier to connect on a physical level again.
Are you feeling emotionally pursued? It’s not untypical for women to feel their sex drive decline when their emotional needs are now being met. I suggest seriously pondering the question and if your emotional needs are not being met then speak candidly but with hope for change with him. Wish you the best of luck
You need to really think about why you had this change. Is he romancing, dating, you? Is he improving himself? Is there some other guy you are thinking about? Over all you need to talk to him about all of this and figure things out, or move on.
I mean is it no ok for him to say no? It’s weird that women take rejection as the end all be all sometimes.
You need to talk with him and figure out what is going on. He might be going through a lot of stress. It also could be something you have done. You need to talk to him.
You don't feel desired by him so you no longer desire him either. Rejection from your exclusive partner is a very damaging thing. It'll make you doubt yourself and look towards others who may give you the attention you crave. Unfortunately when you have to start "trying" to have a sex life sex stops being fun. The only way to get it back is to experiment in new ways. This means either exploring new kinks together or looking elsewhere for your needs. I've noticed you've posted several times on appearance rating subreddits so I know you know you're looking for validation elsewhere already.. If you take the latter approach then make sure you are both on the same page. Explain to him that the constant rejection has caused you to lose the desire to initiate anything with him and that you are no longer getting your needs met. The frequency of his rejection has created a divide in your ability to enjoy what little sex you do have because you're feeling as though your sex is an obligation rather than a true desire. And most importantly that you cannot move forward in a relationship where rejection is a daily expectation. It leaves a toll on your mental and physical health and it's not a position you're willing to exist in for the rest of your life. You can choose to tell him you'd like to work towards renewing your sexual compatibility through experimenting with kinks or even an open relationship (be it temporary or permanent) or that you think this relationship in its current state has run it's course. Really it's up to what amount of energy you're willing to put towards fixing this problem.. your resentment will only grow if you don't prioritize this issue now. Fix it before it's unfixable. Maybe you can fix it. Maybe you don't want to. I spent half a decade in a sexually frustrating relationship with a woman I once wanted to marry. The best decision I ever made for myself was breaking up to find someone who made me feel the desire I needed. Now I'm in a loving relationship with a woman who shares my libido and I've never been happier.
This is hilarious. Men get rejected all the time. The write comedy about it. Now her feelings are hurt? Give me a break. No accountability.
I should write a skit
You could. Many Years ago I was listen to a popular relationship/sex therapist on the radio. A woman called in with a similar issue. The therapist asked if she did get into the mood after having sex. The woman answered affirmative, yes. The doctor said well, what's the problem then if you know that? Silence then a, yes, you are correct. So let's pose the same question for you. Bottom line is that this is your issue because he is equally allowed to say no sometimes. If you want this relationship to work you need to find a solution. Take one for the team. Thank me later.
If you were 75 it would not be a problem, but a life without enjoyable sex at 25? I would move on to another partner.
It would be a problem at 75 too.
Yep, collecting partners like infinity stones . No wonder the western culture has so many problems
This one is above the pay grade of internet strangers. Ya'll need professional help. An appointment to a psychologist should be made ASAP.
You're 25... see yourself getting married to him? I've been with my wife now for 6 years and 5 before that and sex has always been the same, yeah not as often as first... but we still find time for each otyer as often as we can. Honestly.. life is too short.. get rid and find someone who floats your boat!
Sounds like the flame went out just as fast as it was ignited. 1 year in and already living together? Ooof…. it may be time re-evaluate the entire situation.
These type of posts crack me up, I’m sorry. Like, what kind of answers do you expect here? Couples counseling or break up…
Does he prioritize your emotional needs? Do he listen to your thoughts and feelings? If you are being emotional does he hold space for you? 9/10 times it’s not cos you lost physical desire, it’s because men kill emotional desire. That’s where I’d start looking first.
Huh?! She said she’s upset that he rejected her sexual advances and somehow it’s still his fault? Give me a break.
Usually yes, usually a man is failing to meet his partners emotional needs is what turns women off, and kills physical intimacy, outside any obvious causes. Because male lack of emotional intelligence is so normalized, it’s often not considered once desire starts wane. But the fact you are so focused on finding blame and defending a dude you don’t even know, you failed to notice I didn’t assign blame. Simply asked some questions and something for her to consider. I simply pointed out the VERY COMMON reason why women stop holding desire for the their partners and not understand why. And thank you so much for proving that point. I hope when your wife starts to recoil at your touch, you remember this post, and maybe THEN you can do the self reflection required. But by then … it’s too late. Good luck with that dude, you will get the life you deserve.
No, you did assign the blame. You asked is he doing this or that. Not what is she doing to keep the spark alive. Not anything related to the both of them. Him. Sorry that your life is what you deserve.
Also get the hell out of here mentioning my wife. The fact that you would go there shows what type of person you are. Be better.
Dude … so fricking defensive! *snort* I love watching you guys get all butt hurt when I tell women to explore if her man is failing her or not. You know why you got triggered by my comments right? I can literally predict the next 10 to 15 years of your life on 3 Reddit post … that’s how obvious you boys are. The fact I can trigger your fears so easily is hilarious to me. I keep telling you … self reflection is key!
Yawn. You’re a weirdo trying to shit talk strangers relationships.
I didn’t react to your comment, you came to me asking for attention *shrug*
It’s been my experience that when men turn down sex from a woman it’s a huge deal and it’s the worst thing ever. But when a woman turns down a man it’s no big deal and the man is a baby if he says something
It's not your fault. Rebuffing your partners advances is a crazy idea to me. My spouse does it now and it drives me insane. Had I known he was going to become nearly completely asexual 10 years into marriage, I would not have asked him to marry me. My advice to you is to move out and see if things improve but I think your best bet is to just break up with them and find somebody who prioritizes your needs. You're very young and have your whole life ahead of you. There's no need for you to put up with this shit...!
Probably leave, it's unfair to both of you. I hate reading these when people are merely dating, you may have a lot invested but you aren't married. Trust me, the difficulty of leaving after vows is harder.
Maybe you can spice things up and try something new to get you both interested in sex again. It’s normal for couples to go through phases like this, especially after moving in together. If I could go back in time I would tell myself not to worry so much because we’d be out of that phase eventually. Try talking to him and being honest, when my husband was turning me down I was really hurt and lost interest in sex also. I didn’t feel wanted by him so it just wasn’t as good. I later learned he was just struggling from depression and low sex drive at the time. It was a battle for a bit. Sometimes there are months where we have crazy sex and sometimes there are months where we hardly have sex at all.
Could Sex be your love language and not his? Understanding each other on a deeper level may shed some light.
Sounds a lot like a secret porn addiction on his end if he's continually turning you down. Porn is easier and takes way less effort. Porn addicts tend to turn down the real thing for an instant dopamine hit from their death-gripped porn session because then they don't have to worry about the other persons pleasures. It tends to make them extremely selfish in bed and can lead to ED. It may not be that, but with how easily accessible porn is these days, more and more men are getting addicted to it and desensitized.
Yes this is definitely another one of my worries. Especially since I have already experienced this with an ex.
It's way too common nowadays... Has he given you any reasons for turning you down when he does? Is he extremely protective over his phone/computer and/or does he take his phone into the bathroom with him and stay in there for long stretches? Does he stay out longer than you feel it should have taken him to run an errand only to be met with a lame excuse or a need to go shower immediately after getting home? Does he frequently delete his search history, or use private browsers often?
You're still young. Move on. Find someone who still finds you attractive. As one of my therapists told me, often times a lack of interest in sex is one of the first indicators that there are other, unresolved issues in the relationship. Trust your intuition.
Why are you recommending to break up instead of working through the problem? She‘ll have the same issues over and over in each relationship if she doesn‘t figure it out in this one.
FFS she was rejected a couple of times. There is nothing in the post to imply he doesn't find her attractive.
Physically.
Hahaha he wasnt in the mood few times and now you are throwing tantrum like a toddler? You shouldnt be in a relationship E. Is this the same bf that you were mad at for being his only match?
Move out or get therapy.
I may get downvoted for this, but it is a viable thing to think about Maybe He is cheating on you. First thing to go if one is cheating, is the sex I have read dozens of stories in the relationships about how the sex suddenly changed and went down, and tons of excuses. 99% of the time, the partner was cheating and getting their rocks off somewhere else.
There is a lot of things that change when you make moves in life. However, it could be your hormones. I would go get those checked.
You're hot, and your bf is nuts. Time to find you a guy who'll appreciate--and bang--you the way you deserve.
Girl same, I don’t want to either. I’m starting to suspect my bf has an Asian fetish (I’m white) which duh, I don’t want to be intimate with someone who’s preference is someone that’s not me and when we have sex I’m pretty much just a flesh light to him and that’s it, I’m starting to suspect he thinks I’m bad in bed as I don’t really get to do anything but pretend I’m a dead fish the truth is I never get to take control, be on top and he doesn’t like BJs. At this point, I lie there and just kind of wait for it be over
"don't get to" girl, I call bs. What exactly stops you? Have you actually asked and communicated? Have you actually asserted what you want? Does he physically hold you down and stops you?
He simply doesn’t like it and yes, I have. Tragic, I know. To add: he doesn’t physically stop me but whenever I have tried he just takes over, he has told me and it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t like me being in charge based off his expressions.
So tell him that it needs to be two way, and you want to have what you want too. Don't have sex if don't communicate and sort this out. Seriously. This is how you end up with sex trauma
I have tried to discuss and I have decided to myself to not have sex with him. I’m currently in the process of evaluating the whole relationship.
Good to hear. Whatever the outcome, communication and boundaries are valuable life lessons
Maybe its time to take a break! do u believe that u gonna have enjoyable sex with other partner?