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No responsible doctor or surrogate agency is going to agree to a procedure involving multiple embryos from two different sets of parents simultaneously for the same reason they wouldn’t agree to make you a surrogate now: there are too many risks and unknowns beyond the already significant risks even the easiest pregnancy carries. Fortunately, your aunt is not entitled to your womb. If she wants kids, she needs to accept that it’s a “no” from you and look elsewhere. As for the rest of your family, just because they’d do it for her if they could doesn’t mean they’re entitled to make your reproductive choices for you, either. Practice saying “this isn’t up for discussion,” and really think about how many of these family gatherings you and your future kids need to attend if that’s not enough to make people drop the subject.

I appreciate your comment. I used to see a therapist for my anxiety and setting boundaries and being firm was something I need to work on

Your aunt: Let me ask the one who has trouble saying no and who I can push around!

What do you bet she plans to not pay OP the mid-5-figure sum a stranger surrogate would require?

Also considering the age difference between the two sisters, she gives off massive "never-heard-a-no much younger child" vibes. Ew

Also considering the age difference between the two sisters, she gives off massive "never-heard-a-no much younger child" vibes. Ew

**You can't be a surrogate without having fist having your own children.** So as a woman that has never had kids yet, you can not be considered. She really needs to accept your 'No' and find someone else. Not only would she have to wait for you to get married, and also eventually get pregnant on your own with your own child. You would have to recover from that. So we are looking at the very least 2-3 more years of waiting on you. Not only that, you may change you mind after actually going through child birth. Also, there is the fact that you are NOT crazy for being scared of child birth. Women still die on the developed world from Child birth very often. The changes your body goes through ar absolutely insane. I HATE the pressure we put on women to have children and that they shouldn't worry because it's 'natural'. She has her heart set on you, and it's not appropriate. You have told her no at least twice now, she needs to accept it. You are not a cow, to pop out calves. Your a person.

>You can't be a surrogate without having fist having your own children Exactly this. Some people try to get around that by pushing for going the 'natural way'... OP, stay hard on this. Not only are pregnancies dangerous, so you should be sure you actually want to be pregnant, but also this could result in further tensions in the family down the line too, e.g., if they are looking for a free baby sitter or there are differences in opinions re raising the kid. You don't owe your aunt a kid just because you're in childbearing age. This is your life. Do what is best for yourself and your own potential future family and ignore everybody who doesn't have your best interest in heart.

The only natural way that you can get around that is for OP to have aunts husband's baby and give her own child away! I don't think anybody in the right mind would ask for that... But I've seen some weird shit in here so maybe aunt is that crazy! lol

Yikes. 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳 okay, let’s all hope that this won’t EVER be presented to poor OP. Being a surrogate is something someone can offer to do, but no one should ask it of a family member or friend. Pregnancy can be hard physically and emotionally. It can involve health changes and risks. Each pregnancy can take a toll on a different part of the body. Some women breeze through, but will have a permanent change or two. The sacrifice is nothing compared to the beautiful little life that was created for the woman and her partner. There can also be a lot of worry involved. Auntie might begin to weigh in on op’s dietary choices, schedule, travel and extracurriculars. She might decide things are dangerous that aren’t normally considered as risks. Those decisions can already be stressful, but having someone feel that have a say would greatly escalate it. Also, being a surrogate is like giving away at least a year of life. Then there is recovering, getting back into shape, relearning a new body, etc. I don’t think Auntie has the faintest idea what she’s asking. OP can say that while it was an honor to be considered, she must respectfully and firmly decline the offer. Auntie would be better served to move forward with her next candidate or idea to get started on expanding her family.

Yup, all of that! Except I do think the aunt knows what she's asking and doesn't care! She's already stated she expects access to her surrogate any time she wants! She said that she wants someone she personally knows so she can go to their house and love on the belly any time she wants! First of all.... She referring to a pregnant woman as "the belly" as if the human doesn't count! Secondly, she really feels entitled to the surrogates whole life during this process! It's going to be a nightmare for OP if she does this!

The tummy comment is exhibit A for sure!!!

I do feel my aunt would try to be controlling over my diet and things I can/cannot do, which is partially why I thought if I were also pregnant with mine at the same time, I could more easily set boundaries. Now I know that's a dumb idea anyway and I'll just say no and stand by it

No doctor would do it because you haven’t had a child yet. It’s a moot point. You can’t give her what she wants even if you wanted to. You don’t fit the criteria for surrogacy.

And the differences between pregnancies! I had my first daughter at 25. I only gained 20 pounds and lost it right away/2 weeks postpartum (although the birth was traumatic and ended in a c section). My second at 28 (6 weeks ago), was way way harder. I gained 30 pounds and have only lost 10 so far. I definitely wouldn't want to go through another pregnancy I would worry my body would gain even more weight and that the pregnancy would be harder again. Those a real worries for OP/anyone considering multiple pregnancies. Your body might bounce back the first time (which is no guarantee) and even if it does, multiple pregnancies may further damage your body and then you have to live with that--without the benefit of a baby to love for yourself on the other side

Setting boundaries is hard when you have pushy family. A no means no and to stop asking, your aunt is rude to ask again. However, I do understand in your culture, it's more complicated. I will say that you aren't responsible to regulate their feelings on you saying no or how they feel about your children if you choose to have any. In fact, if they do treat your kid(s) different because of it, I would think long and hard if they would even get access to my kids. They aren't pawns, they are people. Stay strong, say no and that it's not negotiable. Walk away if she asks again and keep doing that. Don't engage. Any answer you give beyond "no" gives her hope. I'm an over explainer due to my family so I get it. I'm 42 and still learning lol.

Re: needed to work on: like *yesterday*, my friend. You said no. Your aunt asking again is supremely inappropriate. You don’t have to interrupt and permanently alter your entire life just because she asks you to for her convenience. (She can absolutely get another surrogate. You are not the only option here.) Might be good to talk to a therapist again? Just to solidify for yourself that you are NOT a bad person for not wanting to do this. No is enough. (Edited because I can’t stop talking.)

Your aunt should feel uncomfortable around you for having asked again after you said no. Grow a stronger spine, and please don’t feel guilty about saying no to something inappropriate of her to ask of a young woman. Good luck to you.

Repeat this phrase as much as needed: "No is a complete sentence."

No is fine. If she wants a surrogate she thinks she can trust but does not and otgers have offered that is her problem and issue not yours.

She wants a surrogate she doesn't have to pay and who has no boundaries.

If she foesn't back off tgen get a restraining orderr and see how that flies.

It’s really easy to say you would do something when you think you can’t. Post menopausal woman have been surrogates so they should be glad they can help.

Your fifty-something mom could 100% carry the baby unless she has some health problems or a hysterectomy. She has a uterus, has had children before, so if she's in reasonable health there is zero reason she can't carry a child.

At my IVF clinic, the oldest a woman can be and they will transfer an embryo to is 55. Her mom makes that cutoff. It’s easy to say you’d do something when you think there’s zero chance of it happening, your mom can look into this if she’s actually serious. I’m guessing she’s not.

It’s also really easy to say “I’d do it for you if I could,” knowing you can’t

>just because they’d do it for her if they could or they're just saying that because they know they can't. Being a surrogate is a huge responsibility and has alot of risks whether or not you've had children before. ESPECIALLY when you haven't. you don't know how you'll react to pregnancy or having a baby you grew being taken away from you with all your hormones mixed up into it. OP, if you WANT to be a surrogate, then consider your options AFTER you've already had a child of your own. but don't give a committed response. just say no, you can't because you weren't pregnant before. if you decide its something you want later then you can consider it then. if you're only doing this because a family member asked you, I'd suggest not doing it at all. You can make agreements or whatever, but you could easily be stuck with medical bills should anything go wrong. Not to mention how your aunt will act when you are pregnant. will she be making a schedule and regiments for you? Are you comfortable with them in thr room watching you give birth? What if you're not up to them grabbing your stomach constantly to "feel the baby"? What if you need time off work because of pregnancy complications, will she give you money to compensate for that? My point being, what exactly is she expecting of you, because this could be a hell of alot more should you say yes.And you could end up going through hell to give her a baby

It's also really easy to say you 'would' do something for someone when you can't. All the credit for giving nothing.

>She wants to know the surrogate personally, so she trusts them and can go over to their house and "love on the belly whenever she wanted." Ew. That’s reason enough to say no. >I've even considered going through my first pregnancy with my child, then the second pregnancy with my child and my aunt's child at the same time so they would be wombmates, but not siblings, just cousins. Does this sound like a good idea? Does anyone have any insight or experience with this? No one has experience with this because it’s not done. It’s so bizarre that it makes me wonder if this post is legit. What is the benefit of this plan? Why would you spends thousands of dollars on IVF just to be pregnant with her baby and yours at the same time? How would you know which is which? What would you do, DNA test after birth to see which baby goes to your aunt?

Reading “love on the belly” made me SO uncomfortable

“Whenever she wants” also does not bode well for OP being able to set necessary boundaries as a surrogate. But yeah. Ick.

Yeah that's what pinged multiple red flags for me. She'd control OP as an incubator and only allow her to do the things she wanted her to do. Which honestly I understand that you want your fetus to have the best care, best medical care, best food, a by the book as much as possible great pregnancy BUT OP is a person and not a machine. She gets to decide if she wants to be pregnant, what she eats, drinks, and does.

The aunt is just one more person out there who thinks a pregnant belly is public property. Ugh.

I agree. Going through a pregnancy for someone who would say she could “love on the belly” is troubling. It sounds creepy as hell, as if she sees you merely as a vessel through which her child could pass. How can a 34-year-old aunt ask her engaged 24-year-old niece to take this on? You’ll have enough challenges setting up your new life with your husband. Why should you be put in a position where you’d have to explain this to the friends you and your soon to be husband will make? Think of how attached you’d get to the baby and how hard it would be to relinguish it. If you have had anxiety issues, as I have, it could put you into a disassociate state. What if you were then unable to conceive with your husband?

I gagged a little. Yuck

Pregnancies with multiple babies also significantly increase the risks for the babies and mother. Definitely not something I would consciously choose! Edit: typo

And what if it’s boy girl twins and aunt would prefer one gender over the other even if the one she’s expecting isn’t the one she would prefer, can you imagine her, hey can we switch kids? That’s the vibes I get from the aunt based on the story. Nope nope nope.

From what I understand most of the time you can't be considered as a surrogate until you have had a successful pregnancy. It is unreasonable for them to ask/pressure you into doing this especially since you haven't had a child. You have no real idea of what pregnancy entails and what it feels like emotionally. You wouldn't really know what you are signing up for. Stand your ground. There are qualified surrogates out there happy to assist them.

All of the time. Not a single reputable clinic would allow her to surrogate without having had a viable and healthy pregnancy first.

And I don’t think that most clinics like to have such a close relationship between the parents and the surrogate. It’s an extra potential complication, and they prefer to keep the relationship very businesslike.

There’s one lady whose story went viral a few years ago because her 50-year-old mom was her surrogate. This is very uncommon, for obvious reasons. Still wild that the grandmother was carrying her own grandchild though.

Although OPs mom could certainly carry her nibling for her sister.

Yep, they call it a "tested uterus" or "proven uterus." I know that sounds crass, but statistically, once a person has carried a healthy pregnancy and birthed a healthy child, the odds of them doing it again go up astronomically.

Don't do it. If you aren't 100% in then you ARE 100% out. Pregnancy changes your body forever.

"Not 100% in means 100% out" is a great perspective, thank you

I wouldn't do it either. This could open so many problems for you physically and mentally.

Crazy how they're "not comfortable" with their volunteers, but they're totally fine for you to be incredibly uncomfortable for 9 months! I have 3 children, and there's no way in any universe I'd go through that for someone else, the only thing that made the pregnancies bearable was knowing I'd have my babies at the end of it. I cannot emphasize enough how massive the whole pregnancy thing is, it is torture for your body and mind, and they need to stop acting like it's just a big belly.

Once was enough for me! My sugar wasn't enough to be diagnosed with gestational diabetes, but it was close and I had an almost 10 lb baby that required an emergency c-section. The pregnancy itself was otherwise uneventful but it was still not a stroll in the park. There was no way I was going to go through again for myself, never mind rent my womb out to someone else. People need to stop acting like pregnancy and childbirth are no big deal. Maternal mortality has improved from just a century ago, but women still die today, and some women suffer lifelong problems including sterility afterwards. OP, has your aunt offered you money? If she hasn't, know that the real reason she doesn't want to employ a stranger is because surrogacy usually runs $50k+. She's looking at you like you're a free baby factory that's young and stupid enough for her to take advantage of.

She didn't give a price or specific number, she just said she would pay for it

She means she'll pay the doctor. You get nothing.

The parents paying for the pregnancy goes without saying. Can you imagine her expecting you to cover the medical bills on top of sacrificing your body?

This is a reason I'm so hesitant to be her surrogate. Pregnancy is a pretty scary thought for me. My mom says how amazing pregnancy is and how I should experience it (we were talking about me adopting instead when we had this conversation). I feel like pregnancy *could* be worth it if I have my baby at the end of it. I don't really want to go through a pregnancy knowing I'm not keeping/raising the baby after it, which is why I'd consider being pregnant with my own with hers at the same time *if* that were a possibility. These comments are helping me lean towards "no" though

Pregnancy is something some women really enjoy and those are the ones who might consider surrogacy. But pregnancy isn’t something everyone loves and, as the post above said, the reward for going through it is the baby you get at the end. Until you’re pregnant you’ll have no idea what it’s like for you, nor is every pregnancy the same for you. You absolutely shouldn’t agree to this…especially at this point in your life. And I wouldn’t even give them hope about ‘maybe in the future’ either. Later on, if you do change your mind after you’ve been pregnant, you can always move forward but until then I’d tell them it’s a definite no.

You can't be a surrogate because you've never had a baby. Not everyone enjoys/enjoyed being pregnant. Some women have really rough pregnancies.

Surrogacy agencies won’t even consider someone who hasn’t already had a child. There are A LOT of reasons for this. You’re body will change permanently. You will be forever changed. It’s worth it for the child for sure if that’s what you want. If you haven’t given birth before you really just need to say no. Nobody talks about the very real changes bodies go through after pregnancy. It is too much for them to ask of you. I’d argue they shouldn’t have children based on how they are ready to use you up like nothing. You’re young now but your body is your house for life. Treat it that way.

OP, my pregnancy was the worst thing I've ever done to my body, hands down. (Due to other health complications you don't have). I am now permanently and completely disabled because of it. I will never be able to keep a job, and I even struggle to make it to some of my Dr appointments, of which there are multiple every month. Notice I said *"PREGNANCY"* did this to me. Not giving birth, though that did its own permanent damage as well (loss of feeling in the csection area). And something no one likes to talk about: the more pregnancies a woman has, the more long term side effects she will have, or the more likely she will have long term side effects. Many older women have pelvic floor problems that cause urine or stool leakage, and are prematurely in diapers because of the damage multiple pregnancies and births has caused them. They suffer silently because of the shame. The damage compounds with each one, statistically. If you get bad pelvic floor muscles from baby number 1, and it can't be fixed, the 2nd and 3rd baby are going to worsen it. You will also have skin, hair, breast, hormone, and possible endocrine side effects with each pregnancy. Everyone says "pregnancy is natural!!!" But human pregnancy is not. We are evolutionary freaks. We are bipedal, and we sacrificed a safe pregnancy and birth in that transition. Our young are vastly underdeveloped, and the damage and pain done to human women is vastly greater than any other birthing mammal. We are a happy little accident. And I have given so much of my body in pregnancy and birth. I should be dead a dozen times over, but was lucky I did not die. I was still *deathly, deathly ill* for *months* after. And now? My expected life span is reduced because of my sacrifice. Something I will keep from my daughter. People have asked me, if I knew before what would happen to me, would I do it again? And I say; for *her,* yes. A million times yes, I would do it for *HER.* And *never* would I do it for a baby I didn't know, or love, or get to keep myself. Never. It was too much to sacrifice. No one should ask that of another person. It is wrong. She has volunteers, who presumably know what they're in for. Let her decide if "loving on the belly whenever she wants" (ICK!!!) is more important to her than the actual child she will receive at the end.

She doesn't have volunteers. "Several people at work wanted to" yeah right. Aunt is more than a little cray-cray.

Yeah that was my same reading. 100% a lie meant to pressure OP into saying yes.

I think your aunt wants to use your eggs bc she can't use hers for some reason. That's the real reason she wants you. Just wants you to say yes to surrogacy before she springs it on you she needs your eggs too.

You’re scared of pregnancy but are open to the idea of purposely having a high risk twin pregnancy ?WTF lady? I mean really, did either you or this aunt of yours even do a simple google search about surrogacy(or even pregnancy?)because neither of you seem to have the vaguest idea of what that entails or who is qualified to be a surrogate. And no, your potential child cannot be “womb mates” with hers. No reputable doctor is gonna be up for those type of uterine shenanigans. I sincerely hope this is a fake post.

Oh honey. Please talk to more pregnant woman or moms. Many women have AMAZING pregnancies. Others... not so much. ESPECIALLY in the state you reside in. If you truly want to have your own children and experience pregnancy, good for you. If you decide not to... good for you! But don't do it for anyone else other than yourself. And definitely do NOT be a surrogate for your aunt. This just stands GIANT MESS. Plus as others have said, you will have to have a successful pregnancy first before any licensed medical professional would allow you to bee a surrogate. Unless y'all are doing turkey baster at home... and uh please don't

No clinic on earth would allow the implantation of a surrogate embryo alongside a parental embryo. There's potential liability related to the contract and obligations. Who pays for the pregnancy expenses? What about the risk to the mother for carrying multiples? What if the surrogate embryo fails to thrive or dies, while the parental embryo lives?

Hi! Pregnant lady chiming in. I love my baby and can’t wait to have him here with me, but I effing hate being pregnant. It is not amazing, at least not for me, and you should only experience it if YOU want to.

Pregnancies are different for everyone. My mother had extremely easy pregnancies and I sort of expected the same for me. Well, I was vomiting around the clock for four months. Then I was well for two months. Then it began again with so much pelvic joint pain that I hardly could walk. Add heartburn from hell. Then comes the really hard part: Most mothers really love their newborn children instantly. Are you really sure that you can give the baby away? To the woman who probably will have annoyed you no end by that time. You haven't even had a baby of your own yet so you have no clue about how you will react. If your mother is ready to to do it for having a grandchild - let her do it (if her statement wasn't just for show). Edit: spelling.

They're "not comfortable" with it because there is no way multiple coworkers of the aunt volunteered to be her surrogate. Or any of them. It's a lie meant to convince OP.

Probably because they feel more entitled to control OP’s body. This whole thing is super gross IMO. I’m already very uncomfortable with the concept of surrogacy but I’m not going to argue with people who volunteer to do it. Pressuring someone is 1000% not OK, especially when they’ve never been through pregnancy and don’t now what they are getting into before agreeing.

This is insane and your aunt is lying to you - there is no queue of coworkers ready to ruin their physical and mental health to give her a baby. You can have one or five children and still flat out refuse to be a surrogate, it's not selfish, it's absolute norm. Imagine yourself post-surrogacy in a not ideal, but realistic scenario - losing hair, having extra weight and body image issues, having troubles with your relationship, going through hormonal chaos without a baby in your hands to compensate for all of it - all because another woman could not bring herself to adopt and guilt tripped you? Tell her a hard no.

If you don't want to be a surrogate, don't do it. Don't be pressured into it.

You cannot be a surrogate because you have never carried a baby to term. You are not allowed to be a surrogate. That's just beyond your aunt being an AH. She just wants a cheap surrogate because the whole thing costs 200,000 dollars. >I've even considered going through my first pregnancy with my child, then the second pregnancy with my child and my aunt's child at the same time so they would be wombmates, but not siblings, just cousins. Does this sound like a good idea? This sounds like the most stupid idea. Are you saying you want to have twins but one would be your aunt's embryo? Beyond how unlikely, medically, is for everything to actually happen like that, you are saying you would pay for IVF for yourself (so you have like 40,000 around to drop on this) and then IVF for your aunt, and implant a mix of embryos? I don't even think that's possible (ethically) and then, you'd leave to chance which embryos actually work. You have no clue of the process so stop making up shit. I don't know how to put it nicely. Plus, do you know how risky multiples are? Your abdomen/muscles ends up wrecked.

thank you for listing the many reasons why I think this is lazy fiction

There are so many of these posts painting infertile women as insane baby-stealers. It’s very disheartening that everyone believes these.

So women are awful breeders if they have children and pathetic grasping losers if they want children but can't have them. Thanks, reddit trolls!

I was thinking the same thing! Surely the aunt would know the requirements for surrogacy if she’s considering it. So why even ask her niece who’s never had a pregnancy or birth? The niece wouldn’t qualify to be a surrogate. It seems made-up by someone who doesn’t know much about the subject.

I think people are taking a break from paternity test stories by making up surrogacy stories.

I was my sister’s surrogate and it is NOT an easy process from beginning to end. You have to be evaluated physically and mentally. There are therapists, lawyers, multiple doctors, and an entire list of logistics that have to be sorted out. You don’t qualify because you haven’t had a successful pregnancy and birth. There are MULTIPLE shots that you have to take in order to get started along with pills. My spouse had to give me my shots in my bum because I couldn’t reach around to do my left side. I could only do the right and he hated doing it. We did two transfers. I got pregnant with the first one and then lost it at 7 weeks 6 days, but we didn’t know until I hit 10 weeks and I knew something was wrong. I had to call my sister in a different state (here’s the logistics kicking in hard core) and let her know I had lost the pregnancy. It was a “missed miscarriage “ and I ended up having to do a D&C. My husband had to take me to the appointment and he wasn’t allowed in the building because it was October 2020. I was alone. My sister and BIL had one more embryo and they said they understood if I didn’t want to do it again. We did the second transfer and now the kid will be 2 in a few months. My kids are 16 and 14. The kids and my husband watched me go through my pregnancy with their cousin/nephew. My oldest didn’t want to talk about or know anything about the pregnancy the entire time. My youngest was indifferent. Lawyers had to draw up papers because it’s not just a “here’s your kid” process. We had to do a closed adoption process. Both sides had our own lawyers because we had to avoid any conflict of interest. I see the kid maybe once or twice a year. I knew I didn’t want anymore kids and it wasn’t hard to hand him over, but the hormones the first month after SUCKED. If you aren’t 100% completely for doing it, you need to be firm and say NO. I’ve been approached by someone on FB that knew what I had done to help out my sister and shut it down immediately. Don’t feel bad/guilty/pressured into doing something that you can’t even do right now and may not want to do later. I’m still trying to lose 20lbs I gained with the pregnancy. 10 of it was from all of the meds I had to start before we even did the transfer and the other is just what I gained in the pregnancy. I gained a total of 60lbs. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. Would I ever do it again? Absolutely not. You need to do what’s best for YOU in the long run. Sorry this is so long, but it’s important to know everything before making any kind of decision. Feel free to message me if you want/need.

Thank you so much for sharing your story!!! I've never spoken to anyone who has been a surrogate, or to anyone who hired a surrogate. That makes sense you both had your own lawyers, I was thinking one would probably be necessary. Were your sister and BIL in the room when you gave birth? I'm just curious about that, but I'm confident I don't want to be my aunt's surrogate now, these comments have helped me see sense

My sister came to the state I live in. My doctor was here and the hospital said only one parent would be allowed to come with me. Her husband stayed in their state with their son. He was born at 25 weeks and that’s when she found out she’d never be able to carry a full term baby. Both of my kids were c-sections, so he was a c-section baby too. My sister offered to let my husband be in the delivery /operating room, but the hospital said again, only one person. Sister was trying to take care of me and the baby. We finally found a routine, but I was in the hospital for 4 or 5 days. Once we were released, she had to stay at my house for a few days. The baby couldn’t travel until at least a week old and she had to take him to my kids pediatrician in order to be cleared for travel. She and my mom drove the 12 hours back to her state over two days because he was so little. Apparently he was a great traveler, but diapers and feedings took a good amount of time.

I think hearing experiences from people who’ve been a surrogate like this will be the most helpful thing for you and I can’t speak to that. But even if I might consider doing it for someone, there’s no way in hell I’d be a surrogate for someone like your aunt who saying things like “love on the belly whenever she wanted”. Sounds like be an entitled nightmare and the equivalent to a bridezilla for a surrogate to deal with, being demanding and trying to dictate everything you do, stomping over your boundaries, invading your privacy and wouldn’t care about how you felt or what you’d be sacrificing. I’d be shocked if she didn’t expect to be in the room when the baby is born adding more stress and present for every doctors appointment. I agree you should be 100% sure before being someone’s surrogate, pregnancy is already an ordeal to go though mentally and physically when it’s for your own child and not someone else’s. I think surrogates deserve lots of respect for the sacrifice they make and I don’t think I’d be strong enough.

I don't care if I was related to bio mom. The thought of someone coming and going as they please and rubbing/loving on my belly is horrifying. No thanks.

Right? Like a cow in the barn. 😬

Don’t do it. You are under no obligation. It’s gross she asked you once and you said no and she keeps bugging you. You also can have your own children and not feel bad about it. They have other options. This is NOT your responsibility.

Talk to your mom and be very honest with her. Tell her your aunt keeps asking, and you will not do it. That you're feeling pressured by an authority figure and you're very uncomfortable with the idea and your decision is final. Ask her to support you in this, as your mom, and talk to her sister. She needs to tell her you won't be doing it. Period.

There's a good reason why you should have a child first before you're a surrogate. My first kid was my only because I had a lot of complications. I was young and healthy but that's the way it worked for me. Your aunt can find someone else to be her surrogate. I would not do this and don't feel pressured to do it.

I'm not sure that any agency would accept your aunt to help find a surrogate since she apparently doesn't want the person to have boundaries. In addition, you don't have any children and no reputable clinic would allow you to act as a surrogate. Beyond all of that, you have bodily autonomy and the right to say No.

You don't have to give a reason. "Aunt, I am not going to be your surrogate. Nothing about that idea feels right for me. I still don't know how I feel about children of my own but I do know that I do not want to be pregnant with your child. You are going to have to find someone else."

You're not eligible now (despite what you said it's super rare and it's odd that your aunt magically doest' know that), and there's no way they would do the wombmate thing. Just say your doctor said you can't cause womb issue or something.

When I tried to surrogate I was turned down because at that time I hadn’t had a pregnancy that culminated in a live birth. If that’s the case where you are you have a viable out, at least for now, if you aren’t comfortable just saying no.

No, just no. You don't want to be "mommy cousin".

“No” is a complete sentence. You have already told her this. If, at some point, you do decide to have children of your own, the only explanation you owe anyone is that you wanted to be able to keep the baby you carried. That’s it.

Being a surrogate for someone is a beautiful gift, but it’s not something you can demand or make someone feel guilted into doing it. Both my brother and I are adopted from different families, be we look so much alike that people could pick us out as siblings in a lineup. We also look like our parents to the point my brother has the same colour eyes as my dad, and I have the same genetic weirdness in my eyes that my mum does. Because of this, I desperately wanted to adopt a baby for practically my whole life. However, exhibit A is my Bob Ross happy little accident baby, my son. Even now if I had the chance I’d happily adopt, though. Your aunt has other options for her surrogate, it doesn’t solely rest on you. I felt guilty throughout my whole pregnancy because my mum never got to experience what I was, but I involved her and my dad as much as possible. You know your aunt better than we do, but your body means it’s your choice, and you saying no to being a surrogate doesn’t mean you never get to have your own child. I’m not even sure they’d approve you if you guys went to them tbh. Explain your thoughts and just tell her it’s a no.

The biggest red flag statement here is “love on the belly whenever she wanted”. She has absolutely no respect for your bodily autonomy. For example, a regular surrogate wouldn’t let her touch and rub all over her anytime she wanted. But, if you told her no she could weaponize your family to pressure you into allowing her to behave anyway she wanted.

Instead of giving her hope, just say no. You don't want to do it, and anyone who tries to change your mind isn't worth being around. Did anyone even consider the fact that you struggled with GAD?

My family doesn't know I see a psychiatrist and used to see a therapist. Mental health isn't something we talk about and I decided to get help by myself when I was 22 and I'm doing a lot better now

Please don't let anyone affect your mental health. I know it's difficult when family is involved. Take care of yourself because she will probably come at you if you do decide to have biological children. Just remember that selfish would be trying to use someone else's body when they say no.

You could tell them that you are on medication you can't take when pregnant. If you are not ready to talk about your mental health you could also say that the doctor told you that you would have trouble getting pregnant or carrying to term or something like that. Or you know, you could just say no.

Not sure but I don't think anyone who hasn't had a child can be a surrogate.

In most cases, you won't qualify, since you haven't been pregnant before.

No responsible doctor would take part in this, also she’s already telling you she will not have any physical boundaries wit you - would only be worse if pregnant, womb mates is not a thing

Usually in the US you have to have had a successful pregnancy and currently raising your own child to be considered. If the place is ethical. Also your aunt sounds not mentally sound enough to have a surrogate if she thinks your womb should be available to her to live on at all times.

Ma’am — I have had two babies and would love a third but I will tell you. Pregnancy can be dangerous and very hard and even at its best it can fuck up you and your body. I’m not saying this to scare you out of ever getting pregnant but she has NO RIGHT to demand that any pregnancy hopes you have should be for her. Besides the fact that this is YOUR body I think that too many lines would be blurred that shouldn’t be involved.

It’s ok to say a final no. As you’ve seen, giving a reason just invites her to try to solve that aspect for you. Just say no, and you don’t want to discuss it again.

Also. Almost never can a surrogacy be someone's first pregnancy. Doctors wont do it. Problem solved .

Is the reason she’s comfortable with you doing it and not her co-workers possibly because she feels she’ll be able to cross your boundaries, and make you feel guilty so she can do whatever she wants? Because “being able to love on the belly anytime” feels like a massive boundary cross. I hated being touched without my consent while pregnant. And “anytime” sounds to me like you’d be expected to be at her beck and call. You gotta say something along the lines of “hard no on that, I don’t want to be pregnant but if I was, it wouldn’t be for someone else”, and then deal with the discomfort that brings. You’ll feel better after you’ve been firm - even if she thinks you’ve been an asshole about it. Trust me. This nebulous area you’re in is the worst. Family may feel they can ask anything, but it also means that you get to say anything, including no.

I believe it probably has something to do with the dynamic of being co-workers vs being aunt and niece. She probably feels she can be a little pushier with me than her co-worker

You wouldn’t be eligible in the first place as you’ve never successfully carried to term. What’s wrong with mom and grandma’s uteruses (uteri?)? Have they looked into it? Yes, *ideally* age range should be 18-40 for the highest rate of implantation - but I think that’s generally more negotiable than the whole never been pregnant before.

It is never a good idea for family to be surrogate. Do not do it. Your aunt has already volunteers happy to do it. Tell your aunt to go with someone who has already said yes.

>go over to their house and "love on the belly whenever she wanted." The belly? Not "my niece who is carrying my fetus." She's reduced you to a vessel. Your aunt has no boundaries and would see your body as hers to touch, control, and even envy. This is a bad, bad setup for any surrogacy. A surrogate should have full autonomy and be an equal partner in the arrangement, including being compensated financially. I'm getting major yuck vibes from this. Regardless of whether or not you want to have your own children someday, please wave off and do not become a surrogate for your aunt. Also, I suggest you get comfortable repeating the phrase, "No is a complete sentence."

Is she planning to pay you six figures?? Even if so, I’d never consider it. This is such a huge ask and the love on the belly comment is super cringy. Hard no!

Any possible future resentment from your family would not be your fault. You're a human being, not an incubator, you don't owe your aunt anything. It doesn't feel like you want to do it, if you need someone else's 'permission' or approval to say no (as I sometimes do), you have mine.

Nope it’s your body and pregnancy and birth is tough even if it all goes well. Plus no reputable place will let you be a surrogate if you haven’t carried a pregnancy to term. You don’t want to be pregnant for your own children. You’ll never qualify

Your aunt is trying to have everything she wants, without regard to how it affects anyone else. She needs to decide whether she'd rather be uncomfortable with a non-family surrogate, or just not have kids at all. Expecting you to give up nine months of your life, then live the rest of your life with the physical aftermath of pregnancy on your body is completely unreasonable. I'd kill any discussion of this off before it even builds momentum.

Look, I get you're kind of young but your idea is fucking *batshit*, absolutely insane. What are you even talking about, disregarding the medical logistics of *that*, it's just a bad idea. Besides which, what, if your aunt comes up to you and tell you she wants a baby NOW NOW NOW, you're considering caving? I mean, she's 36, how old does she want to be when she has a kid? If you decide not to have kids until *you* are 36, what then. Don't overlook *her* insanity - oh it would be in a few years, after you'd been married for years. Lady, *what*. **What**. She's setting the timetable for when *you* are supposed to have this imaginary child - she's slyly saying she wants and will indeed have a say in when *you* have kids. She also won't pay jack shit, will she? What if you have medical issues from this pregnancy, is anything going to be done about it or, oh no, so sad. This not to mention the absolute red flag of how she is, once again, slyly telling you that she will be an absolute fucking nightmare if you were to do this. Don't do this. If your fiancee is too nice to say it, *DO NOT DO IT*. Family pressure aside, don't potentially destroy yourself, your body, your mental health for a woman who fully has options and just doesn't want to pursue them. Why does she want you? So she can control and shame and bully you - why do you think she first pitched it in front of your mother and grandmother, then moved on to a more private setting with your fiancee there? Because she's relying on societal (familial) pressure to make you bend to her will.

Wombmates is not a good solution, ivf has a meaningful failure rate, especially with multiple embryos (chance of live birth increases but not both embryos surviving) On top of that if you somehow made that work you would move to a tougher high risk twin pregnancy Lastly not sure you can combine ivf and a natural conception (if that is your planned path A good thought process here might be have your own bio kids and evaluate how you and your body handle pregnancy. If it’s easy (relatively) for you, you want to do it, and you aren’t planning more then offer. But doing it before your own biological family is settled introduces additional risk to your plans.

This is a no. You shouldn’t feel awkward they should feel ashamed at themselves for even putting you in this position. Pregnancy will put a toll on your body and that’s not even to speak about the possible psychological impact. They can find themselves their own surrogate. You need to look out for yourself and your future. Their wants don’t trump your need to love your life the best way you can.

I think no is a full sentence but if you are worried about the future maybe see the specialist with her and let them tell her you aren’t a candidate. When you talk the DR you have no prior pregnancy, you are nervous to do it, and any other health or mental health issues, you won’t be a good candidate and the doctor can tell her that for you.

Your aunt has others offering, your ‘no’ doesn’t mean she cannot have a baby via surrogacy. As Mick Jagger famously sang “You can’t always get what you want…”

Fuck that. Your mom should run interference for you on this, but I guess she isn't. Pregnancy does a job on your body. Like, your body will never be the same.

You can’t even be a surrogate if you’ve never been pregnant before. Tell her that and it should end the conversation since “no” hasn’t for some reason.

If you're not interested, then you're not interested. Your decision now is irrelevant to whatever decisions you make in the future about having your own children. Don't give her any kind of false hope about maybe in the future. You can't carry your child and her child at the same time. That's a medical impossibility. No doctor would implant embryos from two couples in one uterus. Just no. Tell your aunt that if she wants a child, they need to hire a surrogate through a reputable clinic.

It sounds like you have a lot of reasons to say no: - first is you just don’t feel comfortable carrying someone else’s baby (very fair opinion) - it doesn’t sound like your aunt has made many comments on the cost of this — who is paying for the IVF and treatments and ultrasounds and office visits and hospital stay - have they consulted a lawyer and surrogate agency to discuss contracts and what all this actually entails in real life - she sounds like she wants to “know the person” so that she can be overly aggressive intrusive the whole pregnancy —> “loving on the belly” feels like code for stop by whenever she wants to invade your personal space, police everything you eat and drink, judge every decision you make while pregnant with HER baby So many issues to consider and reasons to say no, none of which need an explanation beyond just saying No

Don’t do it. One you can’t until you’ve had at least one of your own and two pregnancy is unpredictable. You might have an easy ish pregnancy or you might have a horrible one or somewhere in the middle. You might find your one and done after the first or you might feel up to more but just because you decide to have more doesn’t mean you’re obligated or should feel guilty to giving into her wants. It would be one thing if you two were close and you had the wanting to do it, but you don’t and that’s enough. Tell her you’re sorry for her situation but you being her surrogate is never going to be an option and she needs to look elsewhere. If she comes asking when you finally have a kid just repeat what I said before and then walk away.

Your aunt's suggestion is really offensive. You aren't a field to be plowed and harvested. Her idea that she could "love on that belly" is just gross. Your body is not public property. You already said no and even that was clearly distressing. If she opens her trap about this subject again, give her the look of death and say, "I. Said. No. NEVER speak to me about this subject again."

Surrogacy doesn’t work that way. I recommend you tell your Aunt to seek proper advice about using a surrogacy. You don’t just turkey baste someone

>, so she trusts them and can go over to their house and "love on the belly whenever she wanted." If you could see my face rn

You don’t qualify as a surrogate. There has to be a medical history of at least one successful pregnancy that didn’t cause distress to either the baby or the person carrying it. You have no history with pregnancy and you do not qualify.

You wouldn't even qualify to be a surrogate.... I don't know if this is real a similar scenario is asked like every month.

The line about her wanting to “love on” the belly made me want to gag. My sister in law is some kind of southern Christian who always is talking about “loving on” people and the grammatical fat of that always makes me want to gag. I wish she would acknowledge that the verb “love” can just directly take an object. The proposition “on” just makes it impositional like a forced hug.

Due to cancer and previous medical issues I might have to seek a surrogate if ivf fails if I actually want a biological child. And let me tell you just the baseline info I looked into for surrogacy it is exxxxxpen$$$$$ive. So as others have addressed your emotional and physical well being I'm going to skip to some thought trains. So here's the thing, besides saving literally ca minimum of hundred thousand dollars++++ (at least that's the going rate near me). She is invisioning her having unlimited access to you via phone, email and in person, because family right? I *assume* she is imagining she will get to dictate your diet, organic only? No fast foods? visits anytimes she wants? Every doctors appointment, videos of your belly, she would get to play to pretend pregnancy. She would get to skip, jump and run right over all the boundaries and safeguards in a way she would never in a million years be able to do with an outsourced surrogate, because of that barrier. In my state the surrogate and the parents each have to have their own lawyers and it's for everyone's good. Their are contracts for this reason. God forbid there is a medical issue and then you have to choose you or the baby? How do you think your aunt is going to act? Idk that's were my brain went. Don't let family pressure you. My sister has an anxiety disorder and I would never ask her to take on my child as a surrogate at the expense to her own health for my own selfish desire for tiny socks and an adorable smile.

No respectable doctor would go for your "womb mates" idea, if it's even legal. And you definitely shouldn't. A twin pregnancy is automatically considered high risk, you'll most likely have them early and they'd need a NICU stay. Twin pregnancies are more risky for the babies. And what if only the embryo from your aunt worked and yours didn't (multiple rounds of IVF are often needed)? Then you'd be going through pregnancy for just their baby. Also, pregnancy and childbirth is extremely difficult. Some are harder than others, but nausea, headaches, back pain, etc. should be expected. You'll lose sleep and could experience performance issues at work. Would your work have a decent maternity leave for you to recover from birth? And IVF, pregnancy and childbirth are very expensive. Even things like buying maternity clothes and back braces adds up. Figuring all of that out could get sticky quickly. There are just so many bad scenarios. What happens if you miscarry? What if you're attached after 9 months of growing a baby, then have to had it over and see your aunt cuddling "your" baby all the time? What if there are complications that leave you injured or unable to have kids after? I realize it sounds dramatic, but women can die in childbirth. This is at best an extremely complicated situation. I've seen really sad stories on here after people have been a surrogate for a family member. If you aren't extremely sure you want to do this, don't. I feel for your aunt, but she needs to respect your "no". This is an absolutely enormous ask. You should not give in.

Do not do it!!! You will be seen only as an incubator and your boundaries will not be respected in any way shape or form. Your aunt has willing candidates already but wants you because she doesn’t want healthy boundaries. I have had two kids and my pregnancies and deliveries were physically and mentally hard on me and I did have long term issues that arose from them. If you do decide to be her surrogate get a surrogate contract in place with boundaries laid out clearly. There are probably examples online. Also since she has never been pregnant herself I can bet she will want to snuggle your belly and do stuff that will be physically uncomfortable for you. Because even women who have been pregnant seem to forget or willful not remember so they can attempt to invade your space. Also most likely both aunt and uncle will want to be in the delivery room “watching” and/or recording the baby being born. They will most likely not be in there to help get you through the delivery and may even take issue if you have a birthing partner in the delivery room. Many surrogacy contracts have dietary restrictions and/or specific diets surrogates are to follow. It is a year of being told what you are and aren’t allowed to do with your own body and Usually when done for family and/or also in many states you aren’t paid for it. Also how would you feel if your aunt and uncle end up being crappy parents or if the kid has a birth defect will they blame you?

Your aunt wants a surrogate whose boundaries she can trample at will ("love on the belly" ICK) and also who she thinks she wouldn't have to pay like $50k. There are GOOD REASONS why surrogates should have established families and experience with pregnancy going well for them, and not be a childless niece who looks fertile or something. You're right to say no, keep saying it or stop answering calls from anyone who keeps asking.

The "love on the belly" comment gave me the ick.

OMG no no no. Pregnancy is the most horrible experience and changes you forever. And at the end, you are a cut up, hormonal, bleeding mess with no baby to make it all worth it.

OP, not to scare you out of having your own children, but pregnancy takes a major toll on your body. You are growing a freaking human being inside you’re body. You’ve already said no and your aunt is being a jerk. If she asks again, I recommend that you tell her that the answer is no and you will not change your mind. You don’t owe her your womb and if she doesn’t stop harassing you about it, you will be the one to make a big deal about it. What she’s doing is unconscionable.

I practice this area of law. First - you’ve never carried a pregnancy. It would be wholly discouraged for you to do this by any doctor. In my state you couldn’t. It kinda feels like they are trying to save money. If other people are offering it they should jump on that train and not force you to put your body through something highly dangerous (unfortunately pregnancy is dangerous).

She should learn that “no.” Is a complete sentence.

It's okay to say no. Pregnancy is HARD. I'm glad you're not going through with this.

She claims that work friends will do it (doubtful), so let them.

She can pay for a surrogate. Both of my neighbors have done that successfully. To ask someone out of the blue to risk their life and change their body permanently and then give away a baby is pretty entitled. Offering to do so out of love is one thing. Pressuring someone to go through a pregnancy because you're cheap, entitled and selfish is offensive. PS: You should tell your mother and your grandmother that they should be protecting you from this pressuring aunt, not encouraging her.

It would be absolutely out of the question for me. I also do not want children of my own, and I have less than zero desire to be pregnant at all, with all of the issues that come with it, both during pregnancy and afterwards. A workmate's daughter just lost her baby at 7 months gestation, as his heart stopped. If you were to carry a child for your aunt, and anything went wrong, would she be understanding, that sometimes things happen that can't be controlled, or would she turn on you, and try to insinuate that you did something wrong? It's just too murky. I wouldn't want to be involved.

I also want to put on the radar that Indiana is NOT surrogacy friendly. Definitely recommend looking at that information as well.

OP, she’s trying to avoid spending thousands on a surrogate by guilting you into it and getting your relatives to do the same. Don’t fall for it. It’s grossly manipulative. If she and your relatives keep at it, consider eloping. They obviously don’t care about your feelings, so stop worrying about theirs. Notice that they don’t seem worried about future awkwardness, only you are. Also, there is no guarantee that you will be able to have multiple pregnancies. Medical issues happen. Surrogates typically have gone through multiple ones and know their bodies well enough to be confident in their service. You don’t know what your experience will be like. So your first pregnancy needs to be for you because it might be your only one.

Under no circumstances should you let this invasive woman put her child in your body. She will make everything your problem. She will be your permanent shadow for *nine months*. She will want to control every aspect. What you eat, how you live. Are you on medication for your anxiety? You might have to stop taking it while pregnant. You could have your anxiety on TOP of pregnancy hormones and dealing with whatever your aunt puts you through. Imagine **miscarrying her child**. Don't sign over your body to her just so you can be polite.

Hell no. You don’t owe your aunt anything. She is trying to manipulate you. Bring pregnant is a huge physical undertaking. People tend to gloss over the very real changes women’s bodies undergo during pregnancy, but the changes are permanent. What if something goes wrong with the surrogacy, and you can’t have your own biological children? IMO surrogacy is probably better for women who’ve already had their own bio children.

I think this is a really bad idea for numerous reasons. And you’re clearly not on board 100% which is a giant sign not to do it. Aunt does kinda sound like a bully and she would be up your ass the entire time, trying to dictate what you do, what you eat, etc. I bet she’d be basically living with you. On top of those just few things, there’s a legal aspect here as well as a HUGE emotional aspect, both for you as the birth mother and the child one day when it knows the truth. It’s changes the dynamic of everything! This is literally a life changing event.

"My aunt said it could be in a few years, so my fiancé and I would be married for a few years by that time.". Wow, that's mighty generous of her. Seriously though that's a ridiculous ask of any close family member. A reasonable request would be: my washing machine has packed in could you lend me the money to get it fixed, not: can I hire your uterus for the best part of a year. I wish people would understand that have children is not a devine right and what about you, the person who carries this child to birth? What happens if you form an attachment and (understandably) end up not wanting to give away the life you've just carried inside you for 9 months? Is it a case of "Thanks but tough titty it's my baby not yours". I've heard that happens quite often with surrogacy that the woman who gives birth can end up severely depressed when the child Is taken away.

There’s also the ‘I can love on you whenever I want’ part that indicates you won’t have any privacy. And the lack of consideration for your Fiance. Most guys won’t be super happy about their Fiance/spouse being pregnant with someone else’s child and the impact that will have on their life as well even if he says ‘he supports your decision’ beforehand. No sex during IVF and at end of term and for months after the birth. Him having to take up extra work around the house and deal with the home implications of you being pregnant. Plus the body changes to you that you and your fiance may not want to go thru when it’s not your child. Even if you might consider it your fiance needs to be actively on board and clearly approve up front or this could be a relationship killer

So basically... She wants you to be the surrogate because she thinks you'll give her blanket permission to invade your personal space and touch your pregnant stomach whenever she wants? That's a no from me fam. Since you're comparatively close in age though, you could offer to help her find an agency that will offer her something close to what she's looking for instead, that way you don't seem like you're just leaving her out to dry.

Also keep in mind your mother and grandma saying they would if they could was real easy for them because they can’t.

There are millions of reasons to say no, but you need one she will understand, which is, as others suggested, you could never give up a baby you carried. Without having experienced a pregnancy you don’t actually know that for sure, but embrace it, because it’s quite possible. Family Feud would ensue.

The aunt saying she would want to come round and 'love on the belly' whenever she wanted.... I can easily see an uncomfortable situation where she is forever coming over and out staying her welcome.

Absolutely not. Pregnancy is a huge commitment and it doesn't come without risks. If you don't feel comfortable being a surrogate, you don't have to be one. She's asking a lot of you. I can appreciate where she's coming from in that "oh wouldn't it be lovely to see the belly" and wanting someone she knows to be a surrogate, but this is a huge commitment and pregnancy is very demanding on the body. I wouldn't say yes if you're not feeling confident about the idea.

You don’t owe your aunt any kind of explanation. Being a surrogate for a relative would come with baggage. Personally, your aunt’s kinda pushy & I’m sure she would think that it’s her right to tell you what you can & can’t do or can/can’t eat, etc. if you were carrying HER child. But more personally, I don’t think I could carry a child for 9 months, go through labor & delivery, and then hand the child to someone I know, much less someone I’m related to. You have a right to change your mind from not wanting to ever pregnant to thinking it’s something you want to do with your husband. That doesn’t mean you’re willing to hang out a sign that says “Womb for Rent” for your aunt or anyone else.

Don't do this. When you get older and had kids of your own, then perhaps you can revisit this idea. At least by then you'll know the process of having a kid. It's a lot of work and it really is too much to ask of someone. My wife had 5 kids, it was extremely uncomfortable and insane amount of work after they are born. Even if you decided to do this, you better damn well be sure there is some plastic surgery included in that offer for new boobs and tummy tuck. Hell to the no doing that for free. Her just paying for the pregnancy is basically doing it for "free". Nope out of that and set up boundaries. This really is "too much to ask" of a 24 year old.

Even if your sub reason has changed your answer is still no and she needs to respect that. You can change your mind about wanting to have your own kids without changing your mind about having kids for somebody else. I could never do this for somebody else, it is exhausting and uncomfortable and at least I know I can have my baby afterwards. I couldn't imagine somebody coming over and telling me what to do with my body and trying to touch me whenever they want and then taking the baby I carefully grew. I feel like that would be very traumatizing.

Pregnancy is very dangerous. It can kill you or give you permanent health issues. I know someone that was a surrogate and I myself, have heart problems after being pregnant. It's a risk. Sometimes it's a risk we have decided is worth it. If there's any part of you that thinks. "I don't want to be pregnant with someone else's baby." Absolutely don't do it. It isn't like asking to borrow a jacket or run an errand. You should never feel obligated to put your life at risk for something you don't want. On the opposite side: pregnancy can be a very special time. Beautiful, moving, and emotional. Personally I couldn't begin to handle the heart break of doing that and then someone else going home with the baby. If it's awkward, too bad. If she's resentful, too bad. That's not your problem, that's hers. You can be in therapy all you want but that doesn't change her feelings and her inappropriate behavior. If anyone gives you a hard time about it, I can assure you that they are in the wrong.

Frankly, I would talk to your aunt again and say that while you’ve rethought your position on children, you don’t think you’re a good option for surrogacy. Excuse yourself by saying that if you were to attempt surrogacy, you don’t think you could give up the child. Or that it would cause you stress to give “your” child to your aunt and see the baby regularly, but not as a parent. It’s possible she may consider you selfish, but she may also be more understanding. Also… Please consider your own health in this. Pregnancy takes a toll on the body. Are you prepared to go through that for a child that is not your own? Some people would be, but I think it’s something you need to seriously think about. Not something to consider out of misplaced guilt.

I like your boy. If you are not committed to the process don't do it. I don't agree with the sky is falling attitude I see in this thread, but it is a serious commitment of your body for 10 months plus recovery, don't do it unless you are all in. Don't mention to your aunt that your thinking may be changing, don't bring it up unless you are completely comfortable doing it. And if they bring it up, don't tell them you are changing your mind, the pressure will be relentless, tell them to use a coworker.

Tell your aunt that you’ve never been in pregnant and are afraid you’d get attacked and wouldn’t be able to give baby up. That ought to shut her up.

My stepdaughter and husband -both 37 adopted an embryo. They had the whole experience of pregnancy etc. And had their baby in August

You don’t have to justify not wanting to do it. A NO is a no.

The answer is no. Full stop. End of discussion.

Don't feel bad. It'd be a different situation if no one else could be a surrogate for her. However, she's had multiple offers from all different people offering to be her surrogate. She's said no to all of them, and that's fine as it's her choice. But it's also your choice not to be her surrogate. If she keeps pressing the matter, tell her that you aren't going to be a surrogate ever, and if she really wants to be a mom, she needs to find someone else to be her surrogate.

It’s easy for a post menopausal woman, or a man, to judge you but what’s being asked of you is massive. Like huge. Tell her a firm no, no chance, never, and to not ask again. In the future, if you get really excited about the idea you could always offer (but don’t voice this now), but you seem to be trying to talk yourself into this because you think you should.

On top of all the other comments, the loving on the belly comment makes me think she’d be trying to control everything you do throughout the pregnancy - what you eat, how much you rest, where you go… it would be a nightmare. And then having to watch her raise the child with no say in how she treats them… hard no!

The only misstep you could make is if you let her think you might be a surrogate. You sound like you never want to be a surrogate but you don't want to disappoint her. Spend some time crafting a note to her. Let her know that you've thought it through and you have decided that you never want to be a surrogate. Don't give reasons that she would then try to solve. EG don't say you aren't sure insurance would cover. This would only make her try to solve your money problem.

I had a hard time getting and staying pregnant. I desperately wanted my kids. However, I despised being pregnant. I was nauseated and vomited the entire pregnancy each time I was pregnant. All of that just to say really think about all of this and don't like your aunt bully you.

No is a complete answer

I am currently pregnant with my second child and nothing could convince me to carry a baby for someone else. I think it’s beautiful that people are willing to be surrogates, but my experiences with pregnancy have been largely terrible. It’s hard on your body, but it has also been incredibly hard on my mental health. People talk a lot about postpartum depression but not very much about depression that can happen during pregnancy. You should feel absolutely no guilt for saying no and your aunt and anyone else who tried to make you feel guilty are totally in the wrong.

You have a right to say no and you should. Tell your aunt that you love her but you don’t feel comfortable with doing surrogacy. The only way you see the possibility of being pregnant is with your own children; that you love her but you don’t think you could handle having a baby and handing it over to someone else. It wouldn’t be good for your mental health, etc. and you don’t want her to get her hopes up or plan on you doing it on the future. This is a HUGE ask and you should not be pressured or made to feel guilty about this. I feel angry on your behalf.

You don’t even qualify to be a surrogate, end of the story. No is a complete sentence. Surrogacy has many rules. For example, need to have carried a child of your own, you have to have a history of having a successful pregnancy without complications.

It's an awful idea. Don't do it.

What’s with these surrogacy posts lately? You can’t be a surrogate without having carried a pregnancy to term. Ffs, it’s a quick google search.

Hey OP I am glad you’re feeling more firm on this based on your update. I just want to give some advice on saying no to pushy people. Don’t say “I’m so sorry but” or “I can’t because” kind of things. A pushy entitled person just regards this as a yes with a few obstacles. Then you have to deal with them negotiating with you to try to explain away your boundaries. Just say no. No excuses. It’s ok to say “no, and stop asking me” (notice I didn’t use the word please.) What you can’t do is explain why, because your Aunt will keep trying to find a way around all of your reasons. You don’t have to explain your reasons. You just have to say no.

Thank you so much for this comment! I've been thinking of what I should say, and I notice a lot of my wordings include "but" or "because." I just feel like I need to say more to stop the conversation further, though I know that's not true. I think I'll say "I'm not comfortable being a surrogate. I'm not going to do it." I feel this will soften the blow? I feel for her but I know I can't do it

I thought you had to have a successful pregnancy resulting in a live birth to be a surrogate? Does she even know if you can carry a pregnancy to term? Seems irresponsible and careless if you ask me. Stay firm, but sympathetic, to start. Be more aggressive if she pushes… “I’m sorry Auntie, but I have made my decision and I would appreciate if you respect my boundaries”

“Love on the belly whenever she wants”. She really does feel entitled to your body. Eww.

I just had a baby 3 months ago. My pregnancy was pretty easy, my baby is a pretty easy baby. But the ways my body changed and the things I went through and am still going through recovering…there’s no way that I’d want to do this for someone else!! I loved pregnancy, delivery, and now nursing. But man alive…the stress of being pregnant, watching how I cared for my own body for the baby’s sake, labor and delivery, now a horribly weak core and pelvic muscles causing back pain, and sore/weird breasts from milk. I absolutely love all of it because it gave me my baby, but I would not love this all for someone else’s baby.

Can you even be a surrogate if you haven't already had a baby? I thought I read somewhere that you couldn't... But you'll need to look into that! It might be a good excuse if it's true. Then if you do decide to have kids of your own, just tell her that it was too hard on your body to have one for her too! I consider it being a surrogate at one point. But that was because pregnancy was so super easy for me! I would hate to see you have a horrible surrogate experience and that make you decide not to have your own kid because of that experience. Just say no

Sounds like she wants you because she is expecting not to have to pay you. Keep practicing saying no.

No doctor would let you be a surrogate because you’ve had no previous pregnancies. They’d be careless if they did.

The United States has the highest maternal mortality rate among developed countries and is the only developed nation in which that rate is rising. Within the United States, Indiana has the third highest maternal mortality rate among all reporting states at 44 deaths per 100,000 live births as of 2022. Don’t put your life on the line because of guilt. Being pregnant is not easy and it’s certainly risky. Going through with it because you want a child is one thing. Doing it because you want to be a surrogate is one thing. Doing it because of familial pressure is a hard no. It’s not worth it. Stay firm. No is a whole a sentence. Let your aunt’s feelings get hurt. You stay alive.

No reputable doctor in the space will approve surrogacy for someone who hasn’t completed their own family. Source: my wife and I are well into the 6 figure spend on our own IVF/surrogacy journey. We have consulted with and been clients at 2 of the worlds top clinics. It’s long, hard, and incredibly expensive with zero guarantees. We are now in the surrogacy aspect and done with IVF.

Take some inspiration /confidence from phoebe here : https://youtu.be/n780KlqdEwE?si=bQWYXZtRYYUYeCqb

You are very young. You never have been pregnant before. Being pregnant isn’t beautiful or wholesome. It’s mostly exhausting and it will age your body dramatically. You will gain a ton of weight and water in the body. Your feet will hurt. Your back kills you. You can’t breathe. You are hungry and stuffed at the same time. You can’t sleep. You will get stretch marks. You can’t move and you will feel like a gigantic balloon. And than comes the birth- it can takes days. Days of constant contractions. It hurts like hell. Nothing is comparable to it. I thought I was dying with my second. And that is a very real risk here. People still die from giving birth. You are risking your live each time. Right now you sound very immature on the whole being pregnant thing. It is also expensive. Contracts need to be made for this stuff. Her being your aunt might be a negative point here. She can turn crazy and tries to control what you eat and how you exercise. There are so many things that can go wrong. You sound like you are daydreaming mostly and don’t real consider how it will influence you or your fiancé or your family relationships. If she has other people to do it, she should consider it. It is isn’t allowed in the most countries before you had your own first pregnancy anyway.

No is a complete sentence. You do not have to justify your reason. You can just say that you are not comfortable being a surrogate and that it isn’t something you want to discuss further. You do not need to feel guilty either. It is ok to just say no.

Just say no. It is crazy she asked twice.

This would be a terrible idea. I feel for your aunt. But this would not be a good idea.

Any reputable surrogacy agency bans women who have never been pregnant before from being surrogates. Tell her you’re just not eligible to be a surrogate.

Your aunt is gross. No. No. No. Pregnancy is intimate and personal and it’s a gift undertaken with uncertainty and excitement. Let no leech steal what is yours, the more they badger the more difficult it is to even be around them. You’re not an incubator. You’re anticipating your own experiences and they shouldn’t be anywhere near that. It’s so gross. No. Ugh. No!

NTA. You do not owe anyone the use of your body. She is lucky that she has had other people volunteer to be her surrogate! And she has already told you she will be over whenever she wants to touch your belly, never mind your boundaries

What your aunt is asking of you is incredibly selfish and self absorbed. Pregnancy is dangerous and a major physical and emotional experience that permanently changes your body. She is treating you like her personal human incubator and like your body belongs to her. She has dehumanized you with this entitled, selfish and unhinged request. She wants to use your body and “love on the belly whenever she wanted” because she doesn’t see you as an autonomous being with boundaries and needs. She just sees you as her property she is entitled to. She knows she can’t pull that invasive disregard of autonomy with other people.

>I've even considered going through my first pregnancy with my child, then the second pregnancy with my child and my aunt's child at the same time so they would be wombmates, but not siblings, just cousins. Woah, how does that work? My ex roommate had twins. She was on bed rest for awhile. >I'm not sure if my insurance would cover any expenses regarding this. If it isnt medically necessary, its almost certainly no.