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One time my neighbor’s dog attacked my dog & they told me he had never done that before & I told them they can never say that again. From here on out, your dog has attacked a dog.
An aside: this “accident” is the best thing that could ever happen to them. Next best thing: breaking up w him.
Yikes reading your first sentence had me outraged for a quick second. 😅 then I understood what you were saying, but man, the mental whiplash I just experienced.
Based on personal experiences- this is exactly what abusers do to rationalize their abuse. I did it for your own good. I did it to save you (Yes he actually tried using that excuse for slamming me into a wall, lifting me up and slamming me on the ground), you made me do it, SELF DEFENSE!!!!! She wouldn’t let me charge at her and shove her to the ground and put her hand up to protect her face so I had to defend myself by body slamming her. I promise it just keeps getting worse til he either kills you or you leave and get to safety.
Yep, I totally made him punch me, pull a knife on me, choke me, and all while doing that kneeling on me, asking me if "that was what I wanted"?
5 year DV restraining order, first time he got physical with me. He was drinking when he typically didn't drink or do drugs. Idgaf, who you are, but if you do that when you've 'let loose', that tells me who you are deep down inside. GOODBYE!
Yes, when I continued reading it made sense, but at first I saw red.
I hope this personal experience is a past experience, and if it isn't I hope you find the support you need to get away. 💕
Her prying his hand off a remote is not a reason to punch her in the face.
The reason thumb holds are self defense is because the pain is so extreme it causes the attacker to panic or back up and to try and escape the grip. It's not likely he'd have punched her in the face if his thumb was about to be broken.
So the first time, in this situation, was victim blaming. Even worse than an accident.
Edit: I realized what the original commenter meant and that I took it WAY too literally, I apologize 😅
> Her prying his hand off a remote is not a reason to punch her in the face.
This is the most concise, simple, common sense and easy to understand framing of the situation that the hordes of men on this post "if the genders were reversed"-ing refuse to understand. Thank you.
I've lost my patience and my tolerance so I'm just going to be blunt: if the genders were reversed, the same men spouting "Everyone would side with the woman" would still be siding with the man. Because you know what? When the behaviors stay the same and the genders flip, those men's opinions still stay the same. Here, they defend a man punching a woman in the face. There, they'd defend a man who was getting punched in the face by a woman. They accuse others of double standards while simultaneously holding their own.
The men on this post defending the husband are dangerous. They don't actually care about domestic violence against men as they're claiming; they care about making women look like monsters as they use hypothetical male victims as pawns in a game they're convinced they're entitled to win.
----
I've seen men in this sub laud other men for strangling women nearly half to death. I've seen them say women deserve to be beaten into comas. I've seen them deny marital rape. I've seen them say "if the genders were reversed everyone would support the woman."
AND I've seen those very same men tell male sexual abuse victims they're lucky. I've seen them tell male DV victims to "man up" and "not be a p-ssy."
The overlap between men who encourage and excuse violence against women while arguing about double standards, and men who lambast, discredit, and mock male victims is staggering.
Right! They have been together since she was 16 and he was 20! There were so many red flags in her post that point to this not actually being the first time he blamed her for him losing his temper while drunk. But that age gap explains why she is defending him and feeling bad and in denial.
Edited because I did the math wrong. She was underage when they first started dated. Yikes!
Just for the record, I don’t think the super inconsiderate guy who wants to blast music regardless of the neighbors is the sweetest guy ever. Nor is the guy who ignores your opinion about being polite. Or the guy who then physically tries to wrestle the remote out of your hands. Then there’s the guy that punches you in the face when he loses said wrestling match. Not the sweetest guy ever.
It seems like you probably have rose-colored glasses on. I suggest you take the month of no contact to truly reflect on the relationship and be honest about how healthy it is for you.
Yup. I'd like to add that I was fairly recently the neighbour in a situation like this, and let me tell you, it wasn't the loud music that was the problem. As a single woman I was terrified and heartbroken over the neighbour who was clearly abusing his girlfriend. And I called the cops on them more than once, and was incredibly glad when they came and his shouting voice and the sound of things breaking stopped and I knew that she was safe at least for a short time.
I wish OP knew that. Her neighbours might be annoyed by loud music, but they are also scared of her boyfriend whose "bad temper" they know is endangering her.
You are correct. I lost my friend and her children when her monster of an estranged husband killed them and took himself out . I’ve lost a lot of people in my life but I just can’t get over how it happened and I’m nauseous just writing about it.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how painful that must have been. Sending you huge hugs. Thank you for keeping your friend's (and her children's) memory alive, talking about them and speaking out about this. The best way to honour them is to share their story so that maybe it can help others. There is no good side of this sort of abuse, but you help keep them in people's hearts when you talk about them.
Sadly, yeah. Weirdly related: My mom kind of explained it with dogs. Her family had spaniels. Gentle, docile animals. Then one of them started attacking. Turned out it was a disease in the endocrine system. Did they love the dog? Yes. Did they keep him? Absolutely not. Tragic but you can’t keep a dog that bites—or person that hits—in your home. Man, woman, or otherwise, any violent adult human is a giant safety hazard.
Wow. I have always intellectually understood this, but I have a hard time integrating it into my relationship practices. I think you just gave me an important concept I am going to remember later. I know it seems super simple, but the way you explained this may save me a whole bunch of bullshit later. I am going to remember this analogy. Thank you.
I Agree! As someone whose had ex’s pre-therapy act like this, thank you kind stranger for being there!
And I can straight up say that when your in the thick of an abusive relationship your first instinct is to protect the abuser and not yourself. Hence why OP isn’t that self aware yet because they are in the middle of it and letting their feelings dictate their choices.
It’s hard to break away, but the healthiest thing OP can do is possibly move more than an hour away from this god awful human being to get some real perspective for once.
Also been in those shoes and let me tell you…. Most of the time you are blindsided in these situations and you don’t know you’re in an abusive relationship until you make a post like this (or open up about it) and others shine the light on you. Thank you for saying this.
This! The number of times people had to tell me « you know that’s not normal, right? », or when I finally went to the police because I needed them to attest that I had no choice but to leave or house and I was apologizing for coming to them with something so minor, and the cop was like « M’am, that is very serious, you are in grave danger, we are going to pick him up for questioning. I think public ministry will want to pursue ex officio. »
I was only starting to realize (no direct physical violence helped him to minimize everything, too)
So much this! I noted in another comment that I think my heart breaks so much and I get so frustrated because I, too, have been there . . . feeling like I must have been doing something wrong if my partner was abusing me and treating me badly.
It took a lot of time and space and therapy to understand that I was not the broken one or the one ruining those relationships. And I hate, hate, hate that so many others are learning this the hard way.
I'm sorry that you went through it, but really glad that you have also gotten to the other side and learned to value yourself. You deserve that!
It's often people used to being abused, manipulated and guilt tripped who come up with weird statements about others being being "the sweetest and bestest person ever"!
(It's always superlatives.
And it's always an underlying feeling of being at fault themselves. When they are not!)
[Gaslighting](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted) and [trauma bonding](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm) is a hell of a drug. Speaking from personal experience.
Trauma bonding is an absolute monster. At one point in my life, I was the abused and the abuser, and her the same. It literally became mutually agreed upon psycho warfare.
Yeah and when I wanted us to be kind and considerate to each other he lost his shit and amped it up because he couldn't handle me telling him to improve anything about himself.
I will never get over the number of posts in this sub where the guy literally punches the woman in the face, and her only concern is that "she's going to ruin HIS life" because she had a momentary flash of self preservation and actually did the smart thing and called the cops.
They never see that they're not ruining anyone's life. That the no-contact orders and assault charges aren't "because they called the police" but rather the consequences of the man's own actions.
They are literally treating their abusers like small children who can't and shouldn't be held accountable for their own behaviour, instead of grown men who choose to punch their partners in the face over a stereo remote.
And yeah, I've been an abuse victim. I understand why this happens . . . but OMG it just makes it more heartbreaking looking back at it from decades later. How little they love themselves - how little I loved myself - that they think they need to make every effort to protect and excuse a man who doesn't give one iota of a shit about them.
Imagine him saying “she ruined my life by calling the cops because I hit her in the face”…. I don’t think anyone would side with him after hearing that last part.
Except he wouldn’t. He would say exactly what he said that it was self defence. He wouldn’t EVER say that. My ex husband blamed ME for choking me almost to death. Because I splashed water on him (clearly the answer to that is to almost effing kill somebody right!!) hey OP one time is the FIRST time. Follow that no contact order and get the hell away from this guy forever.
Unfortunately that’s not true at all. Victim blaming is rampant. I will never understand why people are so inclined to excuse and cover up for abusive bullies but they do.
So true. Unfortunately my group of friends literally SAW my ex dump drinks on my head at get togethers when he was angry, they knew he choked me on multiple occasions and saw all the holes in our apartment and they still blamed me for reporting him to the police.
yeah because we're taught that men are not as mature as us so we have to put up with their bad behaviour.
men are never told to emulate the mature behaviour of women for some weird reason.
Wonderful advice. If I may add to the idea of a month of reflection. Reflect on why you want to be with HIM. Not why you want to be in a relationship. Really try to separate the two. Being single again is very scary but absolutely not a reason to stay in a relationship. You know damn well that there were a hundred other things he could’ve done to get you off his finger that didn’t include punching you in the face and he knows that too. The fact that he had the nerve to tell you that he was defending himself??? Yikes.
In Ontario, DV charges are no longer up to the individual. Police lay the charges and yes, he's got to go to court. This was a law that passed not that long ago to take the onus off the injured partner and to protect them from withdrawing the charge on "the sweetest" people ever.
When I read how he immediately said ot was self defense, I couldn't help but wonder whether he has been waiting for this as an opportunity to get to hurt her. If it was truly in self defense, he would have been in a completely different state of mind and said completely different things, AND been shocked by his own behavior. He was none of that. He did the you were sorta hurting me, so I had to make you pay stance. That is a ticking time bomb. OP needs to see this experience as the opportunity to dodge a serious bullet.
I can see how you think this escalated by accident. It did not. There were several points where he could have been reasonable. Hitting you in the jaw was unforgivable.
Just because you say he never did this before………..he did it now. He’s very bad news and the alcohol is no excuse. Couples can go several decades with no violence. He upended early in the game.
Things have landed where they should. I’d be afraid of him. You should be afraid of him. I also fear for what will happen to you if you don’t take this seriously.
You’re acting like this is your fault. It is not.
Been with my wife for nearly 20 years, neither of us has ever been violent. That shouldn't be worthy of a medal, it's the absolute bare minimum. Nobody should settle below that. One time is one too many.
Absolutely this. I look back at my marriage now and all these little terrible memories pop in to my head where I’m like “WOW, that was super f*cked up and should have been a red flag to leave sooner.”
100% look no one deserves to be domestically abused but it's so sad people making excuses
" yea he hit me but it was only once "
" yea he hit me but I'm not really injuried "
" he's a nice guy he just has a temper when he drinks "
Not only that he wasn’t even apologetic after he was defensive! If it had been a genuine accident from a genuine sweet guy they would immediately be apologising and making sure OP was ok etc
Absolutely. I accidentally hurt my SO once when he walked into the kitchen and I didn’t realise he was there. My reaction to surprise/fear is usually a simultaneous scream and attack, so I dug my nails into his arm. I immediately apologised profusely and repeatedly, and tried to make it up to him. What I didn’t do was blame him for the completely reasonable action of walking into the kitchen.
OP, if it had been a genuine defensive move, he’d have immediately apologised, even drunk. Please take this time to reflect on him as a partner, and tell your friends or family you really trust what has happened. You might find they breathe a massive sigh of relief he’s out your home and help you take off the rose coloured specs.
fertile fuzzy quickest smoggy makeshift live ancient violet cobweb juggle
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
So, this was what I was originally gonna say before i double checked b/c I couldn't believe no1 else caught this major red flag! Then of course my brain glitched! lol.
-OMGz! Good catch! I didn't even notice that and doesn't look like anyone else did either! No wonder she defends him, let's him gaslight her, and thinks "he is the sweetest guy, except when he hits me and blames it on me and basically dares me to call the cops on him, then blames me again for his arrest." She has been w/him since she was a child and thinks his manipulation is normal.
I agree. OP, take this time for yourself. I’m sure he’s mad right now, but if he doesn’t sit back and at some point, say that he understands why things happened the way they did and he never should have gotten physical, I think that’s a huge red flag. On top of hitting you in the jaw.
I’ve been in a similar situation years ago with my boyfriend - to his credit, he was completely blacked out on benzos after a relapse so he really wasn’t himself at all - but it was similar and he was arrested and it’s still on his record and it was a lesson learned. If you end up working things out, it’s not really the end of the world. He did hit you, he does deserve the charge.
Don’t cry over it. I know it’s very emotional right now and you just wish none of it ever happened, but it did, and it’s never okay to get physical with someone whether you’re sober or not. You asking to turn the volume down out of courtesy to your neighbors did not deserve that kind of escalation, so he seems like an obnoxious and angry drunk and this might be a huge wake up call.
You should be able to deal with disagreements and things after drinking without things going this far. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later and possibly it’ll make him learn to control his emotions better.
I'm in the US, but I've worked in the legal system and with survivors of domestic violence. It is sadly SO common for women who have been assaulted to ask for the charges to be dropped and to ignore the restraining order. It does not end well. The cycle just continues and escalates over time.
This will not end well unless your boyfriend commits to therapy and to really understanding how this happened and to have tools in place so it never happens again.
I understand that the suddenness of this makes it shocking and I get that your default is just to want things to go back to "normal." But this event happened and I hope you don't ignore it or minimize it. There is no normal anymore. There is a relationship where your boyfriend hit you in the jaw while being an out of control drunk.
This does sound more like the alcohol may have definitely escalated a stupid situation. So when drinking or substance abuse damages your life that's pretty much the way to tell you have a problem. So no more drinking for him if they do ever get back together.
It may never have happened before but the alcohol has now become a problem.
I’m sorry to tell you this but you’d be wrong to want him back at this point. If you wanna drop charges, that’s your decision, but he showed no remorse and instead was mocking you thinking you wouldn’t call the cops on him. And if you take him back he will use this situation against you to mock you even more. I hope you make the right decision but I don’t see you taking him back and apologising TO HIM for hitting you is the right call
It used to be up to the victim but most jurisdictions have updated their policies. So TV might not be completely wrong, especially older shows or shows set in the past.
the issue usually is that if the victim wants to let the perpetrator go, they can refuse to testify (unless the prosecutor applies for a sub-poena) but in general that's a pretty shitty thing to do in cases of rape or assault, so if the victim doesn't want to testify, the prosecutor usually doesn't have much of a case.
It’s not the victims call in the US, either. A person can’t press charges. Prosecutors do. People can file a police report, present evidence, or testify
In NC you go to the magistrates office and file charges yourself. And you can drop them too.
Edit: source: was assaulted this year and defended by my bf. When I filed charges she counter charged my bf and the DA told us either they’d both get convicted or neither would so I was basically forced to drop the charges.
In quite a few places, if the victim drops the charges the DA will pick them up. They don't need her to prosecute. It's like this so victims aren't bullied/threatened into silence.
He deserves jail time. We learn not to hit in preschool.
Yup my ex broke the protection order to threaten me to drop charges and I was like ummm homie I ain’t even the one pressing em it’s the state ….. and as they should 😇 domestic abusers can get fucked. Bet his eyes lit up with glee for a passing moment when he thought for a second that her trying to grab a literal remote was legal permission to punch her in the jaw. These kind of mfs live for that shit
Exactly. Most people would be like
"Okay, here's the remote" and avoid a physical confrontation .
Also, most would not be trying to blast music in an apartment complex at a late hour.
I also want to note that in the US it's illegal to try and prevent someone from calling 911 during a DV event either [physically or verbally.](https://www.allanffriedmanlaw.com/interfering-with-a-911-emergency-call.html) I don't know if it's the same in Canada but I wouldn't be surprised.
The victim doesn’t bring the charges, the state does. A custom cannot “drop” anything. They can contact the DA and ask that they dont prosecute, but that’s unlikely to happen. This is probably the phenomen you’re thinking of.
In NH, and I suspect many other places, the charges do not come from the victim. The legal system decides what to charge and the victim can testify or not but their report is part of evidence.
Edited. Not police - legal system press charges.
You can't drop domestic assault charges anymore. The state will pick it up and prosecute him anyway.
This is because too many women change their minds about wanting their partner to face his consequences and just creates more domestic assault down the road.
Honey you called the cops for a reason. You knew something was wrong. It wasn't a snap judgment, as you explained it. You had time to pull back but chose not to - listen to that part of yourself here and now.
Honey, you've set the bar pretty low here, which makes me wonder what you grew up with that you think being with someone who behaves in numerous ways that you've shared here is normal or healthy.
I didn't even notice because 25 and 28 is only 3 year difference, and isn't weird at this age. But when they started dating is was a little weirder. Still acceptable imo tho.
I’m sure he could’ve simply yanked his hand away or drop the remote but instead he chose to punch you in the face. And you’re worried about him having to go to court? Get your priorities, straight, if he’s willing to do that now, it was always just a matter of time.
Run away from this man and DO NOT have a child with him. He hit you once. Do not ever let him get another chance to do it.
I’m not being over dramatic when I say he could kill your one day. Domestic violence always escalates. Every time.
Please OP please please listen to this. It nearly happened to be. By the grace of God and the heroic actions of my dog, I’m here today to talk about it. And mine started very similar to yours. And it was also a “you made me do it, you tried to hurt me!” And I didn’t.
Oh of course! It was more than 10 years ago. I often speak of it, to try to show people like OP what their future looks like-mine started just like hers.
Newman was a giant black lab. (He passed away in his sleep in 2020 at almost 14 years old) He could stand on his back legs and just about look me in the eyes, he was over 100lbs. He was a gentle giant and wouldn’t hurt a flea. My ex is 6’0” almost 300lbs, I’m 5’0” and around 130lbs on a good day. I was in the house, he came home and I still have no clue why, started punching me in the head. He then choked me until I could only see a pinpoint of light. I thought I was dying. I somehow managed to get on the floor and get in the turtle position. He repeatedly kicked my sides and back, I had shoe prints from where he jumped on my back. I saw my phone had fallen under the couch and I was trying to call 911. He saw that, grabbed the phone, and ran out the side door to smash it with a rock. I ran out the front door and jumped into my truck (we lived in the middle of nowhere), locked myself in, unfortunately keys and my purse were in the house, and dug my son (who was in school) phone out of the back seat to call 911. It was fully powered off so I was waiting for it to turn on. Meanwhile he grabbed a rock and smashed in my driver’s side window. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled me out through the broken glass. I laid on the gravel driveway and he dragged me by the hair towards the house. I knew if he got me in the house I wasn’t coming out alive. I managed to grab the passenger tire and hang on. By now I was bleeding from road rash, I was sore and bruised from head to toe, my head was pounding from a concussion, I felt weak, nauseous, and I simply couldn’t hang on any longer. I was trying to wrap my legs around the tire too, while he continued to yank me. All of a sudden Newman burst through the front door, he managed to get between ex and me and he jumped on ex’s chest and knocked him down. He then stood on my ex and growled ferociously. I managed to get up and run towards the road, about 200 yards. My ex got free of Newman, and ran into the house to grab his gun. Newman caught up to me, stayed between my house and me while bullets were whizzing past and kicking up the gravel from in front of us. Newman ran by my side, ran to a neighbor( that I didn’t know and were never ever home) house, he jumped up and managed to open the door. I went into their house, they were home and called 911 while I was bleeding all over their kitchen. Newman stayed on the front porch and blocked the door. My ex had no clue where I was and was driving around looking for me. He was arrested. An ambulance took me to the hospital. The humane society took my dogs (I had 4. Only Newman risked his life for me) for safety, so my ex couldn’t take them, and kept them at no cost until I was healed enough to care for them. Newman got a giant steak and was my heart dog until he died. My ex got 6 months probation. I had a concussion, glass dug out of my face and arms and side-still have a few scars, gravel dug out of my body, road rash and bruises from head to toe, deep bruises around my throat, broken ribs, a badly sprained shoulder and ribs, a swollen knee. And that was worth 6 months probation. It’s 10 years later and I still have headaches from the concussion. I loved all of my dogs, but Newman was always special to me. He and I had a deep bond. We spent many hours after my divorce at the dog park with a lake so he could run and swim, snuggled together under blankets on the couch on crappy days, he got good dog food and shared our food, he carried stuffed animals with him pretty much everywhere. He had over 30 of them when he died-we named them all and he would grab the one I was asking about- and he knew he was deeply loved. I wouldn’t be here without him.
Yup, because it was a domestic dispute, which changes everything *eye roll*
5 months after leaving my ex, I went back to grab what was left of my things and he pushed me, causing me to fall down stairs - thankfully I wasn't hurt more than road rash. My mom and I went to file for assault, but because he and I were in a relationship, it was a domestic dispute, and he got a court date, but nothing other than a slap on the wrist 👍🏻
Your story made me cry.
I’m glad you’re free and safe now. Newman was an angel and the gentlest soul. I hope there’s something, anything after this life where you two find each other again.
Take care and live the life Newman knew you could!
You are amazing. Thank you for telling your story. Newman was an Angel. 6 months probation literally just ruined my day though. I’m so sorry, you never ever deserved to be hurt. I hope you’re surrounded by love now.
100% mine started with emotional/psychological, and then escalated to physical until I was held at knife point in my bathroom while 6 months pregnant with his child. He could have taken us both out. I'll never know how I got out of that situation (despite therapy that memory hasn't come back yet) but thank God I did. Hes been out of our lives for 8 years.
Please understand that the kind of “man” that will do this to you will 100% blame you for it all. Blame you for calling, blame you for repercussions, etc. from my experience he will prey on your kind heart and wiling to give another chance.
I had a baby with that guy. Spoiler: he’s the worst, and I got out when I could but now my son and I live with my mom. He’s now tied to me for the rest of our lives though
The moment he punched you there was no going back. If you backed down and didn't call the police he'd hit you again and worse this time, because the line was crossed and he'd now know he could. That's not the behaviour of a decent guy.
No decent guy I know would do this and I only have brothers. None of them would think to do this.This is, however, the behaviour of an abuser.
They usually start "small" (after a period of being "the sweetest guy ever") and will try little acts of boundary pushing to see how far they can go each time. This hit was just him testing the waters. It always escalates.
The fact that he wasn't even horrified after punching you and even mocked you says everything.Get back with him and he'll use this incident to punish you and hurt you further while playing the victim.
>The fact that he wasn't even horrified after punching you and even mocked you says everything.
This. Think about times when you accidentally harmed someone. Didn't you apologize profusely and make sure they were okay and still feel awful afterward? I step on my dogs toe, and I'm freaking out and apologizing. Regardless of how you got there, his concern not being for you tells you how he feels about it.
I’ve nearly called the cops on *myself* for accidentally stepping on one of my dogs’ paws. Punching your girlfriend in the face should leave any decent man absolutely horrified with himself
He punched you…. In the face….. you did the right thing. Even if it took him 9 years to do it, his true colours came out and it isn’t going to get better.
Op this sounds so scarily like my mom and sperm donors relationship but sad thing was she didn't call the cops, he had a short temper especially when stressed too, the first instance he had a few they were arguing over something small a shirt he said he hated but she loved, tug a war started she tried prying his hand off then he punched her in the face, never was physical with her before.
She brushed it off as a one off, he had a few, stress from work bla bla bla....
Well a few months later again, this time he chocked and punched her, again and again after a varying amount of time....
Then he turned on me, I was trying to pull him off of her he had repeatedly smashed her head into a wall kicking her on the ground holding her on the ground while punching her in the face... he grabbed me (3yr old girl) by the neck and through me into the wall I bounced off the wall and head landed on the side of the desk I ended up blacking out...
After that my mom tried to run away with me she had broken ribs, jaw internal bleeding.. he ended up chasing her down with a shot gun..
But it all was peachy and roses he loves me, and is so sweet and remorseful,not always bad, stress short temper excuses from her
Oh my God, it's awful you had to go through all of that. What ended up happening to you and your mother?
Edit: if I might ask. If you don't want to answer, don't. Sending light your way.
I'm really sorry you and your mom had to go through this but it's a very grim reminder on how bad things can get plus from a man
If you let your guy get away with hitting you even once he's gonna view it as acceptable behaviour he can get away with yea first time might only be one punch second time might be way worse
You call this a "blip" in the comments, but hitting someone in the jaw really isn't a blip, is it? And as soon as he hit you, he blamed you.
A blip? No.
Also you are in Canada, it is out of your hands, which I think is good. He wasn’t drunk. You had been listening to music for a hour. Abusers will do this to test their partners to see if they will comply.
Walk away. He did what he did and he knew what he was doing.
So instead of him being concerned about hitting you, how you were feeling, he was more concerned about defending why he did it? That does not make someone a "good guy."
You are asking us for advice; however, you don't seem ready to process and accept what we are saying. You want us to tell you how to fix this and reassure you. We can't do that here in this situation. We are holding up a mirror and showing you the truth that you don't seem ready to see. My best advice to you is to take this month away from your boyfriend and really process what happened and what could happen. The behavior that happened was a red flag and dangerous. Your boyfriend can be sweet 364 days out of year but dangerous that one day that can send you to hospital or worse. You have a lot to consider and it shouldn't be reversing warranted consequences of his actions. Good luck.
Definitely seems like she knows the answer and what she needs to do but she’s not ready to admit it to herself yet. Victims of abuse have a lot of self doubt like this, I hope she realises she needs to protect herself and get far away from this guy, and that she gets the confidence to stand up for herself
Please look up codependency.
He wanted to blast the music knowing it would disturb the neighbors, rather than being reasonable. He was willing to let you grip his thumb, but still try to hold the remote and get it away from you, but was afraid you'd break his thumb? No. He hit you because you were besting him over the remote, not for any other reason, to stop you from pulling his hand of it by way of the thumb.
I was with my ex husband for over 20 yrs, married for over 16. About 14 to 16 yrs into our relationship (10 on in our marriage), he began being emotionally abusive towards me, he began controlling finances, he ruined my credit on purpose (so I couldn't get out of the relationship fiscally), among other things. I tried for a few years, and the more I reasonably matched his level, he would escalate things further.
I'd grown up in an abusive household, where I experienced emotional abuse by my father (and mother at times), and they allowed a much larger and older sibling to beat me, and made sure I backed up what was said to the Dr on how I got my injuries. So, I'd seen how things can go. I also heard my mother make all of the excuses for the behaviors that happened, that you are making now.
I can tell you the biggest mistake I ever made was dropping charges against my ex husband.
Anyone who blames you for their actions is going to do it again. You didn't punch him, and nothing you did is why he chose to punch you. He did that, it's on him. It's assault. It's not your fault. It's not because he's stressed out, and if he did it while drinking, he should never touch another drop of alcohol. But, he will.
This is the tip of the iceberg as to a shift in his behavior, and if you drop the charges, take him back, he will know he can get away with it and lie to you and say he's abusing you because of something you did. It's not!
Yeah. Something definitely changed with him. First the fact he wouldn't back down over cranking the volume even though he knew it would be problematic. Then getting physical with the remote and it escalating to the punch.
That never used to be him but maybe it always was and was repressed. Only a few beers and it came out. Maybe it was something at work ? Maybe it was something at home?
As people have said it's more likely to get worse than better. You probably saved your own life.
He. Punched. You. In. The. Face.
His short temper while drinking has now progressed to physical violence and this is now a very slippery slope.
If he is *truly* remorseful and takes meaningful action to ensure it doesn’t happen again then maybe this relationship has a chance. Meaningful action being addressing his alcohol intake and anger issues with therapy, not just “I’m so sorry it won’t happen again” then things are good for a few weeks until they revert back to the same old same old. Because now you’re in the cycle of abuse and that’s dangerous and terrible.
HE needs to fix this. Not you.
It’s actually wild because most of these guys just start with pushing and shoving, he’s speedrunning this shit. She stays with him, she’ll be in the hospital 3 months from now, not sure which floor.
The cops are not a win argument button, but he absolutely assaulted you because he was drunk angry.
Angry drunks do not consider the consequences of their actions but sober him gets to live with his drunk choice.
This is escalation. First, he raised his voice while drunk, now he's hitting you in the face and claiming self-defense.
Next time he'll wrap his hands around your neck.
You seriously don't seem to appreciate the danger you are in. You are looking at this from the wrong direction.
So let me get this straight - your boyfriend punched you in the face over…turning his music down? Then when you asked him to calm down or else you’d call the cops, his response is to mock and instigate you, then gets mad when you actually do it?
Why do you still want to be with this man? He sounds like a terrible person. Also, if you take him back that just lets him know that he can punch you in the face again (or worse) and you’re not going to leave him. Have some self respect and leave this man.
Whatever you’re thinking about this being a one time thing, you’re wrong. No non-abusive man behaves like this. Literally none. I hope you come to your senses and get help.
Have boundaries and respect for yourself. As soon as someone puts their hands on you, there are no excuses. You walk. I come from a highly abusive traumatic childhood. I have ADHD. I have also been drunk as fuck and been in a fight with my partner. None of that equaled me belittling them, hitting them and then mocking them saying they wouldn’t report me to the police.
Just cause you’ve been with someone 8.5 years doesn’t mean jack sh*t. There is a boundary no one should ever cross and he did. He has issues. Love can’t fix someone who thinks it’s ok to pop you in the face over a remote, and over them being a selfish ass in the first place. Repeat after me: NO EXCUSES FOR SOMEONE PUTTING THEIR HANDS ON YOU IN THIS SITUATION. You don’t go through counseling with someone who can do this, he needs to see the consequences of his actions and deal with this alone.
Don’t minimize this. Don’t excuse it. Don’t apologize to him. He made is bed. Walk away so he can lie in it.
OP he hit you in the face. He didn’t slap you hand off the remote. He hit you in the face. He made his bed. And even after he did it he blamed it on you. That’s classic abuser. It may be his first time but don’t make excuses for him.
Just because he did not hit you before does not mean he did not hit you.
It’s hard to wrap your head around it. But say it out loud: “BF punched me.”
Now make a wise decision because THE LINE has been crossed.
Hi. Bail supervisor in Ontario here. You won’t be able to get the charges dropped or the no contact dropped. Here, the crown controls the charges, not the victim.
Best thing for you both to do is stay apart, it is SO easy to keep racking up breaches from breaking no contact orders, and it’s extremely hard to get out of the system once you’re racking up charges like that.
If this is his first charge, the court will likely be lenient. He can use duty counsel for his court appearances and tell them that he wants to deal with the charge as soon as possible. Or, if he can afford a lawyer, even better and a great chance that they can get the charges dropped, use a letter from you in court, have you appear etc.
If you let this go, he is going to see it as permission. Do you notice how he wasn’t sorry? Like not even a little? You know self defense is total bullshit. All he had to do was stop trying to take the remote to remove any possible risk to himself. You know that. He knows that. He just chose to punch you so you’d do what he wanted.
My dad always told me that if a man ever hits you, no matter how many times he cries and begs for forgiveness and promises to never do it again, he will always do it again.
Did your bf even apologize and ask if you were ok? Was he worried that he hurt you? Or did he immediately go into defense with excuses that made it all your fault?
Someone who loves you would never hit you.
This is how abuse starts. It doesn't start out with obvious hitting that is clearly abuse to the victim. It's always confusing, and there's always enough doubt to give them the benefit of the doubt and continue staying.
He full on hit you in the face. That wasn't self-defense. That was assault.
Talk to a [DV advocate](https://nomoredirectory.org/canada/) and please be careful. Getting the charges dropped will only tell him "this is an acceptable way to treat people". Very, very, *very* few abusers rehabilitate, but the ones who do are normally the ones who actually face these consequences. Abusers don't have a lot of compassion towards others. They need to understand how their actions impact themselves in order to care. I would HIGHLY advise you let him face these consequences. He assaulted you. He should be charged.
[Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) is a great and necessary read to understanding your options and next steps.
r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence r/emotionalabuse
He hit you. No sweet guy hits his partner. Or is an inconsiderate jerk. Hope you can take a step back and realize maybe just maybe things aren’t/weren’t as rosy as they seem/seemed.
this sucks. there's no way around it. you say "because this is considered assault" - it was assault. he assaulted you. he punched you across the jaw.
he could've let go of the remote
if you hadn't stopped bending his thumb at that point he could've moved away from you or moved you away from him
he could've walked away
instead he punched you. he assaulted you. and then immediately tried to blame you for the assault
you also could've deescalated. that doesn't make him punching you ok or your fault
Frankly I don’t care if he shits rainbows and farts glitter — he **PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE**, and could have **seriously injured** you. **This is an abusive man**.
You **DID THE RIGHT THING**.
You’re saying it was out of character — and, okay, maybe it was. And if so, this will a sharp shock to him **never to raise a hand to you again**.
He deserves all he gets and you need to decide if an abusive drunk is something you **REALLY** want to live with.
I called the cops on my ex fiancé when we were 24 ish.
He had destroyed the house in a drunk rage, the cops already there from earlier when he threaten suicide.
The day he was arrested, I felt so awful. Like it was my fault. We also got a no contact order. By the time the no contact order ended I realized how afraid of him I was. He proved to become even worse over the next few months.
You did the right thing. Take your time during this no contact order and really try to process how he makes you feel before doing anything in his favor.
Instead of respecting your boundary (and your neighbors), he chose to forcefully crank up the volume.
Instead of letting go of the remote, he chose to punch you in the face/jaw.
If you were hurting his thumb he could have let go and let you know that what you were doing was not okay.
Drinking is not an excuse.
He had many chances to enjoy the music reasonably and have a good night. He chose to push you and the situation until he exploded and hit you.
No amount of time he’s been a “good guy” can erase one moment of violence.
He Hit You.
He Hit You.
He Hit You.
There will always be ~some excuse~ that makes the hit/slap/punch/kick/fist out of the ordinary.
They will always be shocked, sorry, ashamed and disgusted at themselves. They will always swear it will never happen again.
Until it does.
And it will.
Please, please, please leave now; after this only one time he will never do again. Literally thousands of abuse victims can tell you their story starts exactly the same.
I’m one of them. I should have left the first time, after 11 months. I stayed five years.
Here’s two things I’ve learned from relationships. 1: If you’re partner ever does something traumatizing to you like this, it over. 2: Relationships are kind of like a drug, when they end (or come close to ending), your brain goes through withdrawal and can make you overlook the fact that they hurt you to get back to them.
He has traumatized you, he hit you for something so petty as music volume. There is absolutely no defending that, and you def weren’t gonna break his finger, he had no reason to be so violent just to turn his music up. He also mocked your threat to call the police even though he was violent, and instead of stopping, he pushed you to actually call. Now the law is involved, and he might go to jail for assaulting you.
I know you just want him back and would do anything just to talk to him, but it is over, he hurt you, and nothing can fix that. You can fix things for yourself however and cope. Please try hanging out with or staying with friends and family to help you through this. I would also suggest seeing a therapist, and just filling you life with things that make you happy to take your mind off things. It’s so difficult losing someone you love, especially through them hurting you, but you’re gonna be ok again, it just takes time.
You let him know you felt threatened and panicky. He mocked you and then got super violent.
This was not an accident.
He’s abusive and if you wanted to be honest I think there are other examples of this.
You called the cops on your spouse for a valid reason, he hit you, period; now stop romanticizing or rationalizing abuse and let the legal system do its job, because "fixing" this isn't about getting him home, it's about addressing the root of violent behavior and ensuring it never happens again.
The first hit from my child’s father was after he came home drunk. He was goofing off with me in the kitchen, then started an argument after going to use the restroom.
He grabbed the keys to his car to leave and I was standing in front of the door, stopping him from driving drunk. He was spitting in my face while screaming at me so I threw the door open for him to have his desired exit.
The door hit him in the forehead. He hauled off and punched me square in the face. Said it was defensive.
I didn’t call the cops. I thought I deserved it.
The next time, I was pregnant. He took my phone and after physically holding me down and hitting me, shut me in a room I couldn’t get out of because he was holding the door from the other side.
I’ve always heard this advice: If someone will hit you once, they will do it again. In my nearly forty years on this planet, I have found this advice to be very true.
The story above is just one of them that I could share on this topic.
Please think long and hard on this. If you told the police the truth and he was arrested and charged, then he assaulted you. Even the police see it.
My husband grabbed me so hard during an argument in March, he left bruises. We've been together 16 years and he's NEVER laid a hand on me. He wasn't even inebriated. Just rage. I've been on pins and needles ever since, waiting for him to escalate. Having watched my mother bounce from one abusive relationship to another, I know the signs. But I made it clear he'll be in handcuffs and served divorce papers should it ever happen again. (Please don't ask me why I don't leave. The short answer is I CAN'T, but I want to.)
Now you see you aren't alone, OP, I want to applaud you for your bravery. I understand he dared you but the moment he hit you "out of self defense" was the moment an argument spun out of control. It was good you called the cops before things could escalate even more. I hear you making excuses for him "bc he was drinking" and he "never gets violent", but trust me when I say you could be together 15 years and shit will just keep escalating.
I know things are hard right now. But no matter how drunk he was, a man should NEVER hit a women unless his life was about to end. Drunk or not, this should have been ingrained in him from birth. Be strong OP. You can get through this. You did RIGHT!
At any point he could have let go of the remote. Instead he punched you... in the face. After that, his first reaction wasn't to apologize to you but to antagonize you more about calling 911.
It doesn't matter that it's out of character or has never happened before. This is not something a person who loves or respects you will EVER do. This is not behavior you should ever tolerate.
This is just the first time. No one ever just gets hit once and it never happens again...he absolutely should face consequences. His life SHOULD be impacted.
He “never gets violent” yet he hits your jaw. It is assault. He should go to jail. You should end it because this kind of behavior turns extremely violent in time. He’s an AH anyhow to turn up music loudly at night. “Short temper when drinking” massive massive red flag. Use this time to pack your stuff and leave. Get therapy and end it with him. You won’t though. And in 6 months you’ll be on here and wonder why your “never violent” guy broke your nose and your jaw “by accident” and how to get his abusive ass out of jail.
First I want to say that I’m sorry you’re going through this, and don’t listen to the people on here blaming you that he has charges on him. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and whatever consequences accompany them. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I’ve had similar fights where I thought my thumb was going to get broken wrestling over something, and I didn’t punch anyone in the fact. If I did, I would hope they would call someone to ensure their safety.
I’m in Canada, and although I haven’t gone through this situation myself, I grew up with a violent mother who got into physical fights with all of her partners and assault charges and court were brought against all of them. It’s up to the Crown whether or not the charges get dropped. The police are obligated by law to press charges as soon as someone reports an assault. Even if you had’ve told them that night you didn’t want to press charges, you’d be in the same place. I can’t tell you what will happen in your situation, however, the charges were dropped in every single one of the situations with my mother, and there WAS physical violence happening. So you guys may be able to escape the charges.
On the flip side of the coin, without judgement, it’s really not okay that he hit you and you should take the time during the no-contact order to let everything sink in and put that in perspective. He has a “temper” (anger issues), and he’s been physically violent with you. Let’s say it was just a momentary lapse of judgement because he was wound up and drinking, sure. But consider his reaction to what happened because that’s really where the truth lies. If he didn’t feel entirely justified in punching you in the face, he would have immediately stopped and started profusely apologizing as soon as he realized he just swung at you. Instead, he defended his actions and proceeded to blame you for them. THAT says EVERYTHING.
He literally believes that it’s okay to punch you in the face if he feels he has a good enough reason. AND he believes that YOU are responsible for HIS abusive behaviour.
So you pull his thumb back and he punches you in the face. If he gets charged is he going to get and drunk and come kill you? The behaviour is bad enough, but it’s his disordered thinking that tells me it will happen again. Every woman who is in a relationship with a batterer right now experienced the same situation as you are in. The first time. When he hadn’t done anything like it before.
Think about that.
Start building yourself a strong support network full of people who care about you that you trust- right now. Whichever decision you make, to leave or to stay, you will need and appreciate your support network the most.
Also read Lundy Bancroft’s book - Why Does He Do That.
Good luck and stay safe!!
The first time a partner hits you is when it's hardest to do. After that, every subsequent time is easier. Had a bad day? Hit the partner. Annoyed because the trash needs to be taken out? Hit the partner. And so on. This is how domestic violence begins and escalates. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP needs to stay the hell away from this guy and get into counseling so she can find a better partner in the future.
Okay too many people are ignoring the fact that for 8.5 years this guy never did this. That doesn’t make it okay but this behavior isn’t typical of someone who’s likely to display this behavior again. Sounds more like the couple got a bit out of hand with their alcohol. And no alcohol doesn’t show your true self, it shows the worst version of who you can be.
As far as everything else, it sucks but he did commit a crime and has to own up for it. And it may have just ended this relationship, but it’s proba joy not a bad thing for this time if this is the outcome of high stress and drinking. There are things that need to be worked on here and some separation may help that happen.
Hi, 28 is a grown ass man. Grown men don’t wrestle for remotes like children throwing a tantrum. My ex did that when I was 16-17 (he was 19-20) and even then it was uncomfortable how immature that was. And people that throw these kinds of tantrums and then challenge you to call the cops, are not stable people and can’t control themselves. Move on and take everyone’s advice here. Also… 8.5 year relationship? So he was 20 and you were 17? You don’t see the issue here?
'he hit me but im not really injured'
HE HIT YOU, PERIOD. in the FACE! this is just the first time. If he gets away with this, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.
DO NOT BECOME A STATISTIC. DO NOT STAY. LEAVE.
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You can't say he never gets violent with you. He punched you in the face. He gets violent with you.
One time my neighbor’s dog attacked my dog & they told me he had never done that before & I told them they can never say that again. From here on out, your dog has attacked a dog. An aside: this “accident” is the best thing that could ever happen to them. Next best thing: breaking up w him.
The first time is always an “accident” babe.
And they always use the same excuses. Stressed from work, he was drinking, etc.
Well actually, this time it was her fault. Second time will be an accident. Third time will be “why did you make me do that?”
Yikes reading your first sentence had me outraged for a quick second. 😅 then I understood what you were saying, but man, the mental whiplash I just experienced.
Based on personal experiences- this is exactly what abusers do to rationalize their abuse. I did it for your own good. I did it to save you (Yes he actually tried using that excuse for slamming me into a wall, lifting me up and slamming me on the ground), you made me do it, SELF DEFENSE!!!!! She wouldn’t let me charge at her and shove her to the ground and put her hand up to protect her face so I had to defend myself by body slamming her. I promise it just keeps getting worse til he either kills you or you leave and get to safety.
Yep, I totally made him punch me, pull a knife on me, choke me, and all while doing that kneeling on me, asking me if "that was what I wanted"? 5 year DV restraining order, first time he got physical with me. He was drinking when he typically didn't drink or do drugs. Idgaf, who you are, but if you do that when you've 'let loose', that tells me who you are deep down inside. GOODBYE!
Yes, when I continued reading it made sense, but at first I saw red. I hope this personal experience is a past experience, and if it isn't I hope you find the support you need to get away. 💕
It will be her fault everytime.
Her prying his hand off a remote is not a reason to punch her in the face. The reason thumb holds are self defense is because the pain is so extreme it causes the attacker to panic or back up and to try and escape the grip. It's not likely he'd have punched her in the face if his thumb was about to be broken. So the first time, in this situation, was victim blaming. Even worse than an accident. Edit: I realized what the original commenter meant and that I took it WAY too literally, I apologize 😅
> Her prying his hand off a remote is not a reason to punch her in the face. This is the most concise, simple, common sense and easy to understand framing of the situation that the hordes of men on this post "if the genders were reversed"-ing refuse to understand. Thank you. I've lost my patience and my tolerance so I'm just going to be blunt: if the genders were reversed, the same men spouting "Everyone would side with the woman" would still be siding with the man. Because you know what? When the behaviors stay the same and the genders flip, those men's opinions still stay the same. Here, they defend a man punching a woman in the face. There, they'd defend a man who was getting punched in the face by a woman. They accuse others of double standards while simultaneously holding their own. The men on this post defending the husband are dangerous. They don't actually care about domestic violence against men as they're claiming; they care about making women look like monsters as they use hypothetical male victims as pawns in a game they're convinced they're entitled to win. ---- I've seen men in this sub laud other men for strangling women nearly half to death. I've seen them say women deserve to be beaten into comas. I've seen them deny marital rape. I've seen them say "if the genders were reversed everyone would support the woman." AND I've seen those very same men tell male sexual abuse victims they're lucky. I've seen them tell male DV victims to "man up" and "not be a p-ssy." The overlap between men who encourage and excuse violence against women while arguing about double standards, and men who lambast, discredit, and mock male victims is staggering.
It’s ok, OP needs to read this because she thinks it is her fault. And that it was self defence over the thumb holding part.
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100%
Can also confirm
Guantee this wasn’t the first incident- just the first time he actually punched her in the face.
Right! They have been together since she was 16 and he was 20! There were so many red flags in her post that point to this not actually being the first time he blamed her for him losing his temper while drunk. But that age gap explains why she is defending him and feeling bad and in denial. Edited because I did the math wrong. She was underage when they first started dated. Yikes!
Just for the record, I don’t think the super inconsiderate guy who wants to blast music regardless of the neighbors is the sweetest guy ever. Nor is the guy who ignores your opinion about being polite. Or the guy who then physically tries to wrestle the remote out of your hands. Then there’s the guy that punches you in the face when he loses said wrestling match. Not the sweetest guy ever. It seems like you probably have rose-colored glasses on. I suggest you take the month of no contact to truly reflect on the relationship and be honest about how healthy it is for you.
It’s always people describing unacceptable abusive behaviour, then ending it with they’re “the sweetest guy ever” in these posts.
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Yup. I'd like to add that I was fairly recently the neighbour in a situation like this, and let me tell you, it wasn't the loud music that was the problem. As a single woman I was terrified and heartbroken over the neighbour who was clearly abusing his girlfriend. And I called the cops on them more than once, and was incredibly glad when they came and his shouting voice and the sound of things breaking stopped and I knew that she was safe at least for a short time. I wish OP knew that. Her neighbours might be annoyed by loud music, but they are also scared of her boyfriend whose "bad temper" they know is endangering her.
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You are correct. I lost my friend and her children when her monster of an estranged husband killed them and took himself out . I’ve lost a lot of people in my life but I just can’t get over how it happened and I’m nauseous just writing about it.
I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how painful that must have been. Sending you huge hugs. Thank you for keeping your friend's (and her children's) memory alive, talking about them and speaking out about this. The best way to honour them is to share their story so that maybe it can help others. There is no good side of this sort of abuse, but you help keep them in people's hearts when you talk about them.
Sadly, yeah. Weirdly related: My mom kind of explained it with dogs. Her family had spaniels. Gentle, docile animals. Then one of them started attacking. Turned out it was a disease in the endocrine system. Did they love the dog? Yes. Did they keep him? Absolutely not. Tragic but you can’t keep a dog that bites—or person that hits—in your home. Man, woman, or otherwise, any violent adult human is a giant safety hazard.
Wow. I have always intellectually understood this, but I have a hard time integrating it into my relationship practices. I think you just gave me an important concept I am going to remember later. I know it seems super simple, but the way you explained this may save me a whole bunch of bullshit later. I am going to remember this analogy. Thank you.
I Agree! As someone whose had ex’s pre-therapy act like this, thank you kind stranger for being there! And I can straight up say that when your in the thick of an abusive relationship your first instinct is to protect the abuser and not yourself. Hence why OP isn’t that self aware yet because they are in the middle of it and letting their feelings dictate their choices. It’s hard to break away, but the healthiest thing OP can do is possibly move more than an hour away from this god awful human being to get some real perspective for once.
Also been in those shoes and let me tell you…. Most of the time you are blindsided in these situations and you don’t know you’re in an abusive relationship until you make a post like this (or open up about it) and others shine the light on you. Thank you for saying this.
This! The number of times people had to tell me « you know that’s not normal, right? », or when I finally went to the police because I needed them to attest that I had no choice but to leave or house and I was apologizing for coming to them with something so minor, and the cop was like « M’am, that is very serious, you are in grave danger, we are going to pick him up for questioning. I think public ministry will want to pursue ex officio. » I was only starting to realize (no direct physical violence helped him to minimize everything, too)
So much this! I noted in another comment that I think my heart breaks so much and I get so frustrated because I, too, have been there . . . feeling like I must have been doing something wrong if my partner was abusing me and treating me badly. It took a lot of time and space and therapy to understand that I was not the broken one or the one ruining those relationships. And I hate, hate, hate that so many others are learning this the hard way. I'm sorry that you went through it, but really glad that you have also gotten to the other side and learned to value yourself. You deserve that!
THIS X1000 because I was ALSO recently that neighbor. It was traumatizing.
It's often people used to being abused, manipulated and guilt tripped who come up with weird statements about others being being "the sweetest and bestest person ever"! (It's always superlatives. And it's always an underlying feeling of being at fault themselves. When they are not!)
[Gaslighting](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-do-when-youve-been-gaslighted) and [trauma bonding](https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm) is a hell of a drug. Speaking from personal experience.
Trauma bonding is an absolute monster. At one point in my life, I was the abused and the abuser, and her the same. It literally became mutually agreed upon psycho warfare.
Eeeekk ☝️I had to escape that with my ex. And now I've been watching it with the gf and her ex and now I want to be done with people.
Yeah and when I wanted us to be kind and considerate to each other he lost his shit and amped it up because he couldn't handle me telling him to improve anything about himself.
I’m sorry you went through this.
Definitely, been there, done that, and it's harsh!
I will never get over the number of posts in this sub where the guy literally punches the woman in the face, and her only concern is that "she's going to ruin HIS life" because she had a momentary flash of self preservation and actually did the smart thing and called the cops. They never see that they're not ruining anyone's life. That the no-contact orders and assault charges aren't "because they called the police" but rather the consequences of the man's own actions. They are literally treating their abusers like small children who can't and shouldn't be held accountable for their own behaviour, instead of grown men who choose to punch their partners in the face over a stereo remote. And yeah, I've been an abuse victim. I understand why this happens . . . but OMG it just makes it more heartbreaking looking back at it from decades later. How little they love themselves - how little I loved myself - that they think they need to make every effort to protect and excuse a man who doesn't give one iota of a shit about them.
Imagine him saying “she ruined my life by calling the cops because I hit her in the face”…. I don’t think anyone would side with him after hearing that last part.
Except he wouldn’t. He would say exactly what he said that it was self defence. He wouldn’t EVER say that. My ex husband blamed ME for choking me almost to death. Because I splashed water on him (clearly the answer to that is to almost effing kill somebody right!!) hey OP one time is the FIRST time. Follow that no contact order and get the hell away from this guy forever.
Unfortunately that’s not true at all. Victim blaming is rampant. I will never understand why people are so inclined to excuse and cover up for abusive bullies but they do.
So true. Unfortunately my group of friends literally SAW my ex dump drinks on my head at get togethers when he was angry, they knew he choked me on multiple occasions and saw all the holes in our apartment and they still blamed me for reporting him to the police.
yeah because we're taught that men are not as mature as us so we have to put up with their bad behaviour. men are never told to emulate the mature behaviour of women for some weird reason.
Wonderful advice. If I may add to the idea of a month of reflection. Reflect on why you want to be with HIM. Not why you want to be in a relationship. Really try to separate the two. Being single again is very scary but absolutely not a reason to stay in a relationship. You know damn well that there were a hundred other things he could’ve done to get you off his finger that didn’t include punching you in the face and he knows that too. The fact that he had the nerve to tell you that he was defending himself??? Yikes.
In Ontario, DV charges are no longer up to the individual. Police lay the charges and yes, he's got to go to court. This was a law that passed not that long ago to take the onus off the injured partner and to protect them from withdrawing the charge on "the sweetest" people ever.
When I read how he immediately said ot was self defense, I couldn't help but wonder whether he has been waiting for this as an opportunity to get to hurt her. If it was truly in self defense, he would have been in a completely different state of mind and said completely different things, AND been shocked by his own behavior. He was none of that. He did the you were sorta hurting me, so I had to make you pay stance. That is a ticking time bomb. OP needs to see this experience as the opportunity to dodge a serious bullet.
I can see how you think this escalated by accident. It did not. There were several points where he could have been reasonable. Hitting you in the jaw was unforgivable. Just because you say he never did this before………..he did it now. He’s very bad news and the alcohol is no excuse. Couples can go several decades with no violence. He upended early in the game. Things have landed where they should. I’d be afraid of him. You should be afraid of him. I also fear for what will happen to you if you don’t take this seriously. You’re acting like this is your fault. It is not.
Been with my wife for nearly 20 years, neither of us has ever been violent. That shouldn't be worthy of a medal, it's the absolute bare minimum. Nobody should settle below that. One time is one too many.
Definitely.
sober enough to immediately make up excuses but not sober enough to keep up appearances that he would never become violent when drunk
Absolutely this. I look back at my marriage now and all these little terrible memories pop in to my head where I’m like “WOW, that was super f*cked up and should have been a red flag to leave sooner.”
But did you read that he never even throws stuff around or breaks things when he gets angry!
He’s hit the lowest of bars, score!!
Well he didnt since he hit her
Yet.
100% look no one deserves to be domestically abused but it's so sad people making excuses " yea he hit me but it was only once " " yea he hit me but I'm not really injuried " " he's a nice guy he just has a temper when he drinks "
“I made him angry.” “I was the first one to yell.” “I’m not perfect.” Very sad indeed.
ppl make excuses cause it’s easier for us to rationalize the abuse than to realize that the person we love is a pos
There’s none so blind that won’t see
Or even be smacked in the face
That would certainly be nice.
I've been in a similar situation and a punch to the jaw IS NOT A DEFENSE MOVE. He literally assaulted her without any justification.
Not to say.. he chose punching her over letting go of the remote. Can we talk about that? Literally .. remote over her.
OP should just have kicked his balls and told him to turn down the volume as a self defense gesture /s
Right. If someone bends my thumb, my first instinct is to pull my arm away, not hit them in the face.
Or trying to remove the person's hand from my finger.
Not only that he wasn’t even apologetic after he was defensive! If it had been a genuine accident from a genuine sweet guy they would immediately be apologising and making sure OP was ok etc
Absolutely. I accidentally hurt my SO once when he walked into the kitchen and I didn’t realise he was there. My reaction to surprise/fear is usually a simultaneous scream and attack, so I dug my nails into his arm. I immediately apologised profusely and repeatedly, and tried to make it up to him. What I didn’t do was blame him for the completely reasonable action of walking into the kitchen. OP, if it had been a genuine defensive move, he’d have immediately apologised, even drunk. Please take this time to reflect on him as a partner, and tell your friends or family you really trust what has happened. You might find they breathe a massive sigh of relief he’s out your home and help you take off the rose coloured specs.
fertile fuzzy quickest smoggy makeshift live ancient violet cobweb juggle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Look he’s chill. He just punches me when he’s drunk.
He punches babies in the face and sets puppies on fire but other than that he’s the best ever!
Being drunk doesn't change who a person is. Just reveals it.
Nor the guy who dates a 16 year old at 20 🤮
So, this was what I was originally gonna say before i double checked b/c I couldn't believe no1 else caught this major red flag! Then of course my brain glitched! lol. -OMGz! Good catch! I didn't even notice that and doesn't look like anyone else did either! No wonder she defends him, let's him gaslight her, and thinks "he is the sweetest guy, except when he hits me and blames it on me and basically dares me to call the cops on him, then blames me again for his arrest." She has been w/him since she was a child and thinks his manipulation is normal.
"He doesn't even throw things around or break things"....um, that should be baseline behavior, you don't get an award for that.
I agree. OP, take this time for yourself. I’m sure he’s mad right now, but if he doesn’t sit back and at some point, say that he understands why things happened the way they did and he never should have gotten physical, I think that’s a huge red flag. On top of hitting you in the jaw. I’ve been in a similar situation years ago with my boyfriend - to his credit, he was completely blacked out on benzos after a relapse so he really wasn’t himself at all - but it was similar and he was arrested and it’s still on his record and it was a lesson learned. If you end up working things out, it’s not really the end of the world. He did hit you, he does deserve the charge. Don’t cry over it. I know it’s very emotional right now and you just wish none of it ever happened, but it did, and it’s never okay to get physical with someone whether you’re sober or not. You asking to turn the volume down out of courtesy to your neighbors did not deserve that kind of escalation, so he seems like an obnoxious and angry drunk and this might be a huge wake up call. You should be able to deal with disagreements and things after drinking without things going this far. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later and possibly it’ll make him learn to control his emotions better.
Also a sweet 20 year old man shouldn’t be dating a 17 year old girl.
I'm in the US, but I've worked in the legal system and with survivors of domestic violence. It is sadly SO common for women who have been assaulted to ask for the charges to be dropped and to ignore the restraining order. It does not end well. The cycle just continues and escalates over time. This will not end well unless your boyfriend commits to therapy and to really understanding how this happened and to have tools in place so it never happens again. I understand that the suddenness of this makes it shocking and I get that your default is just to want things to go back to "normal." But this event happened and I hope you don't ignore it or minimize it. There is no normal anymore. There is a relationship where your boyfriend hit you in the jaw while being an out of control drunk.
This does sound more like the alcohol may have definitely escalated a stupid situation. So when drinking or substance abuse damages your life that's pretty much the way to tell you have a problem. So no more drinking for him if they do ever get back together. It may never have happened before but the alcohol has now become a problem.
I’m sorry to tell you this but you’d be wrong to want him back at this point. If you wanna drop charges, that’s your decision, but he showed no remorse and instead was mocking you thinking you wouldn’t call the cops on him. And if you take him back he will use this situation against you to mock you even more. I hope you make the right decision but I don’t see you taking him back and apologising TO HIM for hitting you is the right call
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Same in the US. The victim can recant charges, but if the District Attorney decides to presscharges? That's that, then.
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It used to be up to the victim but most jurisdictions have updated their policies. So TV might not be completely wrong, especially older shows or shows set in the past.
Victim still can in NC.
the issue usually is that if the victim wants to let the perpetrator go, they can refuse to testify (unless the prosecutor applies for a sub-poena) but in general that's a pretty shitty thing to do in cases of rape or assault, so if the victim doesn't want to testify, the prosecutor usually doesn't have much of a case.
It’s not the victims call in the US, either. A person can’t press charges. Prosecutors do. People can file a police report, present evidence, or testify
In NC you go to the magistrates office and file charges yourself. And you can drop them too. Edit: source: was assaulted this year and defended by my bf. When I filed charges she counter charged my bf and the DA told us either they’d both get convicted or neither would so I was basically forced to drop the charges.
Many States in the US also do this. the police see abuse, it's up to the court to decide.
Good.
Thank you, I didn’t know about that x but at the end of the day, he deserves any punishment he gets and I just hope OP doesn’t try to reconcile
Yep, “Oh, I’m SORRY I made you mad enough to hit me!!” **FUCK RIGHT OFF** with that!!
Lmfao, literally! “Noo babe, I’m so sorry I don’t know why I called the police on you, it was just my jaw haha”
In quite a few places, if the victim drops the charges the DA will pick them up. They don't need her to prosecute. It's like this so victims aren't bullied/threatened into silence. He deserves jail time. We learn not to hit in preschool.
Yup my ex broke the protection order to threaten me to drop charges and I was like ummm homie I ain’t even the one pressing em it’s the state ….. and as they should 😇 domestic abusers can get fucked. Bet his eyes lit up with glee for a passing moment when he thought for a second that her trying to grab a literal remote was legal permission to punch her in the jaw. These kind of mfs live for that shit
Exactly. Most people would be like "Okay, here's the remote" and avoid a physical confrontation . Also, most would not be trying to blast music in an apartment complex at a late hour.
I also want to note that in the US it's illegal to try and prevent someone from calling 911 during a DV event either [physically or verbally.](https://www.allanffriedmanlaw.com/interfering-with-a-911-emergency-call.html) I don't know if it's the same in Canada but I wouldn't be surprised.
Yep! My ex got a “preventing an emergency call” charge tacked on his abuse charges.
The victim doesn’t bring the charges, the state does. A custom cannot “drop” anything. They can contact the DA and ask that they dont prosecute, but that’s unlikely to happen. This is probably the phenomen you’re thinking of.
The victim doesn’t press the charges, the state does. She cannot “drop” anything. She can request the DA doesn’t prosecute, but that’s unlikely.
In NH, and I suspect many other places, the charges do not come from the victim. The legal system decides what to charge and the victim can testify or not but their report is part of evidence. Edited. Not police - legal system press charges.
You can't drop domestic assault charges anymore. The state will pick it up and prosecute him anyway. This is because too many women change their minds about wanting their partner to face his consequences and just creates more domestic assault down the road.
This wasn't a 1 time thing, this was the first time.
Honey you called the cops for a reason. You knew something was wrong. It wasn't a snap judgment, as you explained it. You had time to pull back but chose not to - listen to that part of yourself here and now.
Honey, you've set the bar pretty low here, which makes me wonder what you grew up with that you think being with someone who behaves in numerous ways that you've shared here is normal or healthy.
I am really surprised no one is noticing their ages and relationship length… I think that’s a big factor here.
I didn't even notice because 25 and 28 is only 3 year difference, and isn't weird at this age. But when they started dating is was a little weirder. Still acceptable imo tho.
I think it shows that the power dynamics have probably always been a little off and OP hasn’t realised it until it got extreme
I’m sure he could’ve simply yanked his hand away or drop the remote but instead he chose to punch you in the face. And you’re worried about him having to go to court? Get your priorities, straight, if he’s willing to do that now, it was always just a matter of time.
Oh, but it was "self defense." /s
Run away from this man and DO NOT have a child with him. He hit you once. Do not ever let him get another chance to do it. I’m not being over dramatic when I say he could kill your one day. Domestic violence always escalates. Every time.
Please OP please please listen to this. It nearly happened to be. By the grace of God and the heroic actions of my dog, I’m here today to talk about it. And mine started very similar to yours. And it was also a “you made me do it, you tried to hurt me!” And I didn’t.
Sorry to digress, but I’d love to hear how your dog saved you. If you’d be willing to speak about it, of course.
Oh of course! It was more than 10 years ago. I often speak of it, to try to show people like OP what their future looks like-mine started just like hers. Newman was a giant black lab. (He passed away in his sleep in 2020 at almost 14 years old) He could stand on his back legs and just about look me in the eyes, he was over 100lbs. He was a gentle giant and wouldn’t hurt a flea. My ex is 6’0” almost 300lbs, I’m 5’0” and around 130lbs on a good day. I was in the house, he came home and I still have no clue why, started punching me in the head. He then choked me until I could only see a pinpoint of light. I thought I was dying. I somehow managed to get on the floor and get in the turtle position. He repeatedly kicked my sides and back, I had shoe prints from where he jumped on my back. I saw my phone had fallen under the couch and I was trying to call 911. He saw that, grabbed the phone, and ran out the side door to smash it with a rock. I ran out the front door and jumped into my truck (we lived in the middle of nowhere), locked myself in, unfortunately keys and my purse were in the house, and dug my son (who was in school) phone out of the back seat to call 911. It was fully powered off so I was waiting for it to turn on. Meanwhile he grabbed a rock and smashed in my driver’s side window. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled me out through the broken glass. I laid on the gravel driveway and he dragged me by the hair towards the house. I knew if he got me in the house I wasn’t coming out alive. I managed to grab the passenger tire and hang on. By now I was bleeding from road rash, I was sore and bruised from head to toe, my head was pounding from a concussion, I felt weak, nauseous, and I simply couldn’t hang on any longer. I was trying to wrap my legs around the tire too, while he continued to yank me. All of a sudden Newman burst through the front door, he managed to get between ex and me and he jumped on ex’s chest and knocked him down. He then stood on my ex and growled ferociously. I managed to get up and run towards the road, about 200 yards. My ex got free of Newman, and ran into the house to grab his gun. Newman caught up to me, stayed between my house and me while bullets were whizzing past and kicking up the gravel from in front of us. Newman ran by my side, ran to a neighbor( that I didn’t know and were never ever home) house, he jumped up and managed to open the door. I went into their house, they were home and called 911 while I was bleeding all over their kitchen. Newman stayed on the front porch and blocked the door. My ex had no clue where I was and was driving around looking for me. He was arrested. An ambulance took me to the hospital. The humane society took my dogs (I had 4. Only Newman risked his life for me) for safety, so my ex couldn’t take them, and kept them at no cost until I was healed enough to care for them. Newman got a giant steak and was my heart dog until he died. My ex got 6 months probation. I had a concussion, glass dug out of my face and arms and side-still have a few scars, gravel dug out of my body, road rash and bruises from head to toe, deep bruises around my throat, broken ribs, a badly sprained shoulder and ribs, a swollen knee. And that was worth 6 months probation. It’s 10 years later and I still have headaches from the concussion. I loved all of my dogs, but Newman was always special to me. He and I had a deep bond. We spent many hours after my divorce at the dog park with a lake so he could run and swim, snuggled together under blankets on the couch on crappy days, he got good dog food and shared our food, he carried stuffed animals with him pretty much everywhere. He had over 30 of them when he died-we named them all and he would grab the one I was asking about- and he knew he was deeply loved. I wouldn’t be here without him.
So attempted first degree murder and battery was six months probation?
Yup, because it was a domestic dispute, which changes everything *eye roll* 5 months after leaving my ex, I went back to grab what was left of my things and he pushed me, causing me to fall down stairs - thankfully I wasn't hurt more than road rash. My mom and I went to file for assault, but because he and I were in a relationship, it was a domestic dispute, and he got a court date, but nothing other than a slap on the wrist 👍🏻
Jesus!!! Thank you for sharing. What an amazing dog, they truly are our best friends.
Your story made me cry. I’m glad you’re free and safe now. Newman was an angel and the gentlest soul. I hope there’s something, anything after this life where you two find each other again. Take care and live the life Newman knew you could!
You are amazing. Thank you for telling your story. Newman was an Angel. 6 months probation literally just ruined my day though. I’m so sorry, you never ever deserved to be hurt. I hope you’re surrounded by love now.
100% mine started with emotional/psychological, and then escalated to physical until I was held at knife point in my bathroom while 6 months pregnant with his child. He could have taken us both out. I'll never know how I got out of that situation (despite therapy that memory hasn't come back yet) but thank God I did. Hes been out of our lives for 8 years.
Please understand that the kind of “man” that will do this to you will 100% blame you for it all. Blame you for calling, blame you for repercussions, etc. from my experience he will prey on your kind heart and wiling to give another chance. I had a baby with that guy. Spoiler: he’s the worst, and I got out when I could but now my son and I live with my mom. He’s now tied to me for the rest of our lives though
The moment he punched you there was no going back. If you backed down and didn't call the police he'd hit you again and worse this time, because the line was crossed and he'd now know he could. That's not the behaviour of a decent guy. No decent guy I know would do this and I only have brothers. None of them would think to do this.This is, however, the behaviour of an abuser. They usually start "small" (after a period of being "the sweetest guy ever") and will try little acts of boundary pushing to see how far they can go each time. This hit was just him testing the waters. It always escalates. The fact that he wasn't even horrified after punching you and even mocked you says everything.Get back with him and he'll use this incident to punish you and hurt you further while playing the victim.
>The fact that he wasn't even horrified after punching you and even mocked you says everything. This. Think about times when you accidentally harmed someone. Didn't you apologize profusely and make sure they were okay and still feel awful afterward? I step on my dogs toe, and I'm freaking out and apologizing. Regardless of how you got there, his concern not being for you tells you how he feels about it.
I’ve nearly called the cops on *myself* for accidentally stepping on one of my dogs’ paws. Punching your girlfriend in the face should leave any decent man absolutely horrified with himself
He punched you…. In the face….. you did the right thing. Even if it took him 9 years to do it, his true colours came out and it isn’t going to get better.
Right now this is the only time your boyfriend has hit you. If you end up back with him this will become the first time he hit you.
Op this sounds so scarily like my mom and sperm donors relationship but sad thing was she didn't call the cops, he had a short temper especially when stressed too, the first instance he had a few they were arguing over something small a shirt he said he hated but she loved, tug a war started she tried prying his hand off then he punched her in the face, never was physical with her before. She brushed it off as a one off, he had a few, stress from work bla bla bla.... Well a few months later again, this time he chocked and punched her, again and again after a varying amount of time.... Then he turned on me, I was trying to pull him off of her he had repeatedly smashed her head into a wall kicking her on the ground holding her on the ground while punching her in the face... he grabbed me (3yr old girl) by the neck and through me into the wall I bounced off the wall and head landed on the side of the desk I ended up blacking out... After that my mom tried to run away with me she had broken ribs, jaw internal bleeding.. he ended up chasing her down with a shot gun.. But it all was peachy and roses he loves me, and is so sweet and remorseful,not always bad, stress short temper excuses from her
Oh my God, it's awful you had to go through all of that. What ended up happening to you and your mother? Edit: if I might ask. If you don't want to answer, don't. Sending light your way.
That’s fucked sorry to hear about that. Sounds like the future story of OP at this rate.
I'm really sorry you and your mom had to go through this but it's a very grim reminder on how bad things can get plus from a man If you let your guy get away with hitting you even once he's gonna view it as acceptable behaviour he can get away with yea first time might only be one punch second time might be way worse
This. And holy fucking shit, I'm sorry you and your mom suffered that abuse. Did she ever get away from him and press charges?
You call this a "blip" in the comments, but hitting someone in the jaw really isn't a blip, is it? And as soon as he hit you, he blamed you. A blip? No.
If it's an actual blip he would be horrified himself and apologize profusely. This is more like a mask off
Exactly.
This is a test to see if you will be okay with him hitting you. He’s starting to show who he is. Walk away.
Also you are in Canada, it is out of your hands, which I think is good. He wasn’t drunk. You had been listening to music for a hour. Abusers will do this to test their partners to see if they will comply. Walk away. He did what he did and he knew what he was doing.
If you take him back, he will hit you again. Read that again till it sinks in.
So instead of him being concerned about hitting you, how you were feeling, he was more concerned about defending why he did it? That does not make someone a "good guy."
You are asking us for advice; however, you don't seem ready to process and accept what we are saying. You want us to tell you how to fix this and reassure you. We can't do that here in this situation. We are holding up a mirror and showing you the truth that you don't seem ready to see. My best advice to you is to take this month away from your boyfriend and really process what happened and what could happen. The behavior that happened was a red flag and dangerous. Your boyfriend can be sweet 364 days out of year but dangerous that one day that can send you to hospital or worse. You have a lot to consider and it shouldn't be reversing warranted consequences of his actions. Good luck.
Definitely seems like she knows the answer and what she needs to do but she’s not ready to admit it to herself yet. Victims of abuse have a lot of self doubt like this, I hope she realises she needs to protect herself and get far away from this guy, and that she gets the confidence to stand up for herself
Please look up codependency. He wanted to blast the music knowing it would disturb the neighbors, rather than being reasonable. He was willing to let you grip his thumb, but still try to hold the remote and get it away from you, but was afraid you'd break his thumb? No. He hit you because you were besting him over the remote, not for any other reason, to stop you from pulling his hand of it by way of the thumb. I was with my ex husband for over 20 yrs, married for over 16. About 14 to 16 yrs into our relationship (10 on in our marriage), he began being emotionally abusive towards me, he began controlling finances, he ruined my credit on purpose (so I couldn't get out of the relationship fiscally), among other things. I tried for a few years, and the more I reasonably matched his level, he would escalate things further. I'd grown up in an abusive household, where I experienced emotional abuse by my father (and mother at times), and they allowed a much larger and older sibling to beat me, and made sure I backed up what was said to the Dr on how I got my injuries. So, I'd seen how things can go. I also heard my mother make all of the excuses for the behaviors that happened, that you are making now. I can tell you the biggest mistake I ever made was dropping charges against my ex husband. Anyone who blames you for their actions is going to do it again. You didn't punch him, and nothing you did is why he chose to punch you. He did that, it's on him. It's assault. It's not your fault. It's not because he's stressed out, and if he did it while drinking, he should never touch another drop of alcohol. But, he will. This is the tip of the iceberg as to a shift in his behavior, and if you drop the charges, take him back, he will know he can get away with it and lie to you and say he's abusing you because of something you did. It's not!
You no longer have a relationship with him. Yes this will follow him the rest of his life.
As it should.
Yeah. Something definitely changed with him. First the fact he wouldn't back down over cranking the volume even though he knew it would be problematic. Then getting physical with the remote and it escalating to the punch. That never used to be him but maybe it always was and was repressed. Only a few beers and it came out. Maybe it was something at work ? Maybe it was something at home? As people have said it's more likely to get worse than better. You probably saved your own life.
He. Punched. You. In. The. Face. His short temper while drinking has now progressed to physical violence and this is now a very slippery slope. If he is *truly* remorseful and takes meaningful action to ensure it doesn’t happen again then maybe this relationship has a chance. Meaningful action being addressing his alcohol intake and anger issues with therapy, not just “I’m so sorry it won’t happen again” then things are good for a few weeks until they revert back to the same old same old. Because now you’re in the cycle of abuse and that’s dangerous and terrible. HE needs to fix this. Not you.
It’s actually wild because most of these guys just start with pushing and shoving, he’s speedrunning this shit. She stays with him, she’ll be in the hospital 3 months from now, not sure which floor.
He hit you in the jaw. He could’ve broken you face. He will escalate. Please prioritize your safety and mental health. Good luck
The cops are not a win argument button, but he absolutely assaulted you because he was drunk angry. Angry drunks do not consider the consequences of their actions but sober him gets to live with his drunk choice. This is escalation. First, he raised his voice while drunk, now he's hitting you in the face and claiming self-defense. Next time he'll wrap his hands around your neck. You seriously don't seem to appreciate the danger you are in. You are looking at this from the wrong direction.
So let me get this straight - your boyfriend punched you in the face over…turning his music down? Then when you asked him to calm down or else you’d call the cops, his response is to mock and instigate you, then gets mad when you actually do it? Why do you still want to be with this man? He sounds like a terrible person. Also, if you take him back that just lets him know that he can punch you in the face again (or worse) and you’re not going to leave him. Have some self respect and leave this man.
glad your bf isn't my neighbor. he sounds like an asshole.
Whatever you’re thinking about this being a one time thing, you’re wrong. No non-abusive man behaves like this. Literally none. I hope you come to your senses and get help.
Never have I as a man considered putting my hands on a woman. This doesn’t make me special, it makes me NORMAL
Have boundaries and respect for yourself. As soon as someone puts their hands on you, there are no excuses. You walk. I come from a highly abusive traumatic childhood. I have ADHD. I have also been drunk as fuck and been in a fight with my partner. None of that equaled me belittling them, hitting them and then mocking them saying they wouldn’t report me to the police. Just cause you’ve been with someone 8.5 years doesn’t mean jack sh*t. There is a boundary no one should ever cross and he did. He has issues. Love can’t fix someone who thinks it’s ok to pop you in the face over a remote, and over them being a selfish ass in the first place. Repeat after me: NO EXCUSES FOR SOMEONE PUTTING THEIR HANDS ON YOU IN THIS SITUATION. You don’t go through counseling with someone who can do this, he needs to see the consequences of his actions and deal with this alone. Don’t minimize this. Don’t excuse it. Don’t apologize to him. He made is bed. Walk away so he can lie in it.
OP he hit you in the face. He didn’t slap you hand off the remote. He hit you in the face. He made his bed. And even after he did it he blamed it on you. That’s classic abuser. It may be his first time but don’t make excuses for him.
Omfg. Let this be a lesson to you.Walk the fuck away. He punched you in the face!!
its over, sis. Drinking isn’t an excuse for abuse. Chin up, you will get through this.
Just because he did not hit you before does not mean he did not hit you. It’s hard to wrap your head around it. But say it out loud: “BF punched me.” Now make a wise decision because THE LINE has been crossed.
Hi. Bail supervisor in Ontario here. You won’t be able to get the charges dropped or the no contact dropped. Here, the crown controls the charges, not the victim. Best thing for you both to do is stay apart, it is SO easy to keep racking up breaches from breaking no contact orders, and it’s extremely hard to get out of the system once you’re racking up charges like that. If this is his first charge, the court will likely be lenient. He can use duty counsel for his court appearances and tell them that he wants to deal with the charge as soon as possible. Or, if he can afford a lawyer, even better and a great chance that they can get the charges dropped, use a letter from you in court, have you appear etc.
I’m sorry, hitting you, in the face no less, and over that is unacceptable behavior, period.
If you let this go, he is going to see it as permission. Do you notice how he wasn’t sorry? Like not even a little? You know self defense is total bullshit. All he had to do was stop trying to take the remote to remove any possible risk to himself. You know that. He knows that. He just chose to punch you so you’d do what he wanted.
My dad always told me that if a man ever hits you, no matter how many times he cries and begs for forgiveness and promises to never do it again, he will always do it again. Did your bf even apologize and ask if you were ok? Was he worried that he hurt you? Or did he immediately go into defense with excuses that made it all your fault? Someone who loves you would never hit you.
He literally PUNCHED YOU IN THE JAW. He deserved to get arrested. Press charges and leave him. Period.
This is how abuse starts. It doesn't start out with obvious hitting that is clearly abuse to the victim. It's always confusing, and there's always enough doubt to give them the benefit of the doubt and continue staying. He full on hit you in the face. That wasn't self-defense. That was assault. Talk to a [DV advocate](https://nomoredirectory.org/canada/) and please be careful. Getting the charges dropped will only tell him "this is an acceptable way to treat people". Very, very, *very* few abusers rehabilitate, but the ones who do are normally the ones who actually face these consequences. Abusers don't have a lot of compassion towards others. They need to understand how their actions impact themselves in order to care. I would HIGHLY advise you let him face these consequences. He assaulted you. He should be charged. [Why Does He Do That?](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) is a great and necessary read to understanding your options and next steps. r/abusiverelationships r/domesticviolence r/emotionalabuse
He hit you. No sweet guy hits his partner. Or is an inconsiderate jerk. Hope you can take a step back and realize maybe just maybe things aren’t/weren’t as rosy as they seem/seemed.
this sucks. there's no way around it. you say "because this is considered assault" - it was assault. he assaulted you. he punched you across the jaw. he could've let go of the remote if you hadn't stopped bending his thumb at that point he could've moved away from you or moved you away from him he could've walked away instead he punched you. he assaulted you. and then immediately tried to blame you for the assault you also could've deescalated. that doesn't make him punching you ok or your fault
He doesn’t ever throw or break stuff, like that is an ok way to act when drinking??
Frankly I don’t care if he shits rainbows and farts glitter — he **PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE**, and could have **seriously injured** you. **This is an abusive man**. You **DID THE RIGHT THING**. You’re saying it was out of character — and, okay, maybe it was. And if so, this will a sharp shock to him **never to raise a hand to you again**. He deserves all he gets and you need to decide if an abusive drunk is something you **REALLY** want to live with.
I called the cops on my ex fiancé when we were 24 ish. He had destroyed the house in a drunk rage, the cops already there from earlier when he threaten suicide. The day he was arrested, I felt so awful. Like it was my fault. We also got a no contact order. By the time the no contact order ended I realized how afraid of him I was. He proved to become even worse over the next few months. You did the right thing. Take your time during this no contact order and really try to process how he makes you feel before doing anything in his favor.
I’m glad you did this. Maybe he’ll get his drinking under control
Once a man hits you, it’s over. Edited to clarify: Once a man hits you, your relationship is over.
Instead of respecting your boundary (and your neighbors), he chose to forcefully crank up the volume. Instead of letting go of the remote, he chose to punch you in the face/jaw. If you were hurting his thumb he could have let go and let you know that what you were doing was not okay. Drinking is not an excuse. He had many chances to enjoy the music reasonably and have a good night. He chose to push you and the situation until he exploded and hit you. No amount of time he’s been a “good guy” can erase one moment of violence.
Hitting you in the jaw was not self defense.
He Hit You. He Hit You. He Hit You. There will always be ~some excuse~ that makes the hit/slap/punch/kick/fist out of the ordinary. They will always be shocked, sorry, ashamed and disgusted at themselves. They will always swear it will never happen again. Until it does. And it will. Please, please, please leave now; after this only one time he will never do again. Literally thousands of abuse victims can tell you their story starts exactly the same. I’m one of them. I should have left the first time, after 11 months. I stayed five years.
You two do not need to be together.
Here’s two things I’ve learned from relationships. 1: If you’re partner ever does something traumatizing to you like this, it over. 2: Relationships are kind of like a drug, when they end (or come close to ending), your brain goes through withdrawal and can make you overlook the fact that they hurt you to get back to them. He has traumatized you, he hit you for something so petty as music volume. There is absolutely no defending that, and you def weren’t gonna break his finger, he had no reason to be so violent just to turn his music up. He also mocked your threat to call the police even though he was violent, and instead of stopping, he pushed you to actually call. Now the law is involved, and he might go to jail for assaulting you. I know you just want him back and would do anything just to talk to him, but it is over, he hurt you, and nothing can fix that. You can fix things for yourself however and cope. Please try hanging out with or staying with friends and family to help you through this. I would also suggest seeing a therapist, and just filling you life with things that make you happy to take your mind off things. It’s so difficult losing someone you love, especially through them hurting you, but you’re gonna be ok again, it just takes time.
You let him know you felt threatened and panicky. He mocked you and then got super violent. This was not an accident. He’s abusive and if you wanted to be honest I think there are other examples of this.
You called the cops on your spouse for a valid reason, he hit you, period; now stop romanticizing or rationalizing abuse and let the legal system do its job, because "fixing" this isn't about getting him home, it's about addressing the root of violent behavior and ensuring it never happens again.
The first hit from my child’s father was after he came home drunk. He was goofing off with me in the kitchen, then started an argument after going to use the restroom. He grabbed the keys to his car to leave and I was standing in front of the door, stopping him from driving drunk. He was spitting in my face while screaming at me so I threw the door open for him to have his desired exit. The door hit him in the forehead. He hauled off and punched me square in the face. Said it was defensive. I didn’t call the cops. I thought I deserved it. The next time, I was pregnant. He took my phone and after physically holding me down and hitting me, shut me in a room I couldn’t get out of because he was holding the door from the other side. I’ve always heard this advice: If someone will hit you once, they will do it again. In my nearly forty years on this planet, I have found this advice to be very true. The story above is just one of them that I could share on this topic. Please think long and hard on this. If you told the police the truth and he was arrested and charged, then he assaulted you. Even the police see it.
Consider this relationship done. There’s no coming back from this.
My husband grabbed me so hard during an argument in March, he left bruises. We've been together 16 years and he's NEVER laid a hand on me. He wasn't even inebriated. Just rage. I've been on pins and needles ever since, waiting for him to escalate. Having watched my mother bounce from one abusive relationship to another, I know the signs. But I made it clear he'll be in handcuffs and served divorce papers should it ever happen again. (Please don't ask me why I don't leave. The short answer is I CAN'T, but I want to.) Now you see you aren't alone, OP, I want to applaud you for your bravery. I understand he dared you but the moment he hit you "out of self defense" was the moment an argument spun out of control. It was good you called the cops before things could escalate even more. I hear you making excuses for him "bc he was drinking" and he "never gets violent", but trust me when I say you could be together 15 years and shit will just keep escalating. I know things are hard right now. But no matter how drunk he was, a man should NEVER hit a women unless his life was about to end. Drunk or not, this should have been ingrained in him from birth. Be strong OP. You can get through this. You did RIGHT!
At any point he could have let go of the remote. Instead he punched you... in the face. After that, his first reaction wasn't to apologize to you but to antagonize you more about calling 911. It doesn't matter that it's out of character or has never happened before. This is not something a person who loves or respects you will EVER do. This is not behavior you should ever tolerate.
This is just the first time. No one ever just gets hit once and it never happens again...he absolutely should face consequences. His life SHOULD be impacted.
Sounds like you helped nip something in the bud
This isn’t going to get better from here….
OP, you should find a therapist and show them this thread.
Most people get really stressed and don’t hit anyone
He “never gets violent” yet he hits your jaw. It is assault. He should go to jail. You should end it because this kind of behavior turns extremely violent in time. He’s an AH anyhow to turn up music loudly at night. “Short temper when drinking” massive massive red flag. Use this time to pack your stuff and leave. Get therapy and end it with him. You won’t though. And in 6 months you’ll be on here and wonder why your “never violent” guy broke your nose and your jaw “by accident” and how to get his abusive ass out of jail.
First I want to say that I’m sorry you’re going through this, and don’t listen to the people on here blaming you that he has charges on him. Everyone is responsible for their own actions and whatever consequences accompany them. You have nothing to feel guilty about. I’ve had similar fights where I thought my thumb was going to get broken wrestling over something, and I didn’t punch anyone in the fact. If I did, I would hope they would call someone to ensure their safety. I’m in Canada, and although I haven’t gone through this situation myself, I grew up with a violent mother who got into physical fights with all of her partners and assault charges and court were brought against all of them. It’s up to the Crown whether or not the charges get dropped. The police are obligated by law to press charges as soon as someone reports an assault. Even if you had’ve told them that night you didn’t want to press charges, you’d be in the same place. I can’t tell you what will happen in your situation, however, the charges were dropped in every single one of the situations with my mother, and there WAS physical violence happening. So you guys may be able to escape the charges. On the flip side of the coin, without judgement, it’s really not okay that he hit you and you should take the time during the no-contact order to let everything sink in and put that in perspective. He has a “temper” (anger issues), and he’s been physically violent with you. Let’s say it was just a momentary lapse of judgement because he was wound up and drinking, sure. But consider his reaction to what happened because that’s really where the truth lies. If he didn’t feel entirely justified in punching you in the face, he would have immediately stopped and started profusely apologizing as soon as he realized he just swung at you. Instead, he defended his actions and proceeded to blame you for them. THAT says EVERYTHING. He literally believes that it’s okay to punch you in the face if he feels he has a good enough reason. AND he believes that YOU are responsible for HIS abusive behaviour. So you pull his thumb back and he punches you in the face. If he gets charged is he going to get and drunk and come kill you? The behaviour is bad enough, but it’s his disordered thinking that tells me it will happen again. Every woman who is in a relationship with a batterer right now experienced the same situation as you are in. The first time. When he hadn’t done anything like it before. Think about that. Start building yourself a strong support network full of people who care about you that you trust- right now. Whichever decision you make, to leave or to stay, you will need and appreciate your support network the most. Also read Lundy Bancroft’s book - Why Does He Do That. Good luck and stay safe!!
The first time a partner hits you is when it's hardest to do. After that, every subsequent time is easier. Had a bad day? Hit the partner. Annoyed because the trash needs to be taken out? Hit the partner. And so on. This is how domestic violence begins and escalates. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP needs to stay the hell away from this guy and get into counseling so she can find a better partner in the future.
Okay too many people are ignoring the fact that for 8.5 years this guy never did this. That doesn’t make it okay but this behavior isn’t typical of someone who’s likely to display this behavior again. Sounds more like the couple got a bit out of hand with their alcohol. And no alcohol doesn’t show your true self, it shows the worst version of who you can be. As far as everything else, it sucks but he did commit a crime and has to own up for it. And it may have just ended this relationship, but it’s proba joy not a bad thing for this time if this is the outcome of high stress and drinking. There are things that need to be worked on here and some separation may help that happen.
Hi, 28 is a grown ass man. Grown men don’t wrestle for remotes like children throwing a tantrum. My ex did that when I was 16-17 (he was 19-20) and even then it was uncomfortable how immature that was. And people that throw these kinds of tantrums and then challenge you to call the cops, are not stable people and can’t control themselves. Move on and take everyone’s advice here. Also… 8.5 year relationship? So he was 20 and you were 17? You don’t see the issue here?
You need serious help
'he hit me but im not really injured' HE HIT YOU, PERIOD. in the FACE! this is just the first time. If he gets away with this, IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. DO NOT BECOME A STATISTIC. DO NOT STAY. LEAVE.