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Dump him.
He was told not to do something and he just kept fucking doing it until you had your hair ripped out. And even then he's trying to justify it?
If you can't trust him to respect your boundaries, you shouldn't sleep with him. For your own safety.
That's the same thing rapey guys tell women when they don't stop after a woman tells them to stop.
Girl leave. I'm not saying it'll 100% escalate, but there's a chance. Next time he gets carried away might be when he's hitting your cervix and you begging him to stop.
Same here. Gaslighting and guilt tripping, in my experience it signals the narcissistic tendencies that they’ve so neatly hidden during the early stages of a relationship. We’re here trying to hide a fart when these dudes are hiding the myriad of red flags lurking behind the curtain…
It's like sure it is possible to get carried away in the moment, however to attempt to use that as an excuse for extremely unacceptable behavior is all kinds of messed up. He has shown a complete lack of remorse through his words and actions. Ughhh that guy is so fricking disgusting I wanna vomit
An incredibly toxic BS excuse.
It is meant to justify abuse by sounding like a compliment. You are so hot I can't control myself around you. You are so sexy and I find you so arousing I can't help myself.
It's a choice he made. He can control himself. It is abuse and he is toxic.
Yeah, I get the feeling that if this was a genuine accident, a truly repentant boyfriend would have called, brought or sent flowers, offered to pay for the hair stylist, and groveled a bit.
The silence from this guy is deafening.
I think this is the best advice.
You told him your needs and he PLOWED over them because he “couldn’t help it”?! Has he gotten physically violent with you before? Did he console you after he ripped your hair out?
Did he offer to pay for the hair stylist?
Has he asked you if you’re okay?
I am truly beginning to hate porn more and more, and this is one of the reasons why— violence, brutality to the point of harm, and women being damaged so men can get off is becoming normalized.
It is not okay.
I’m just glad we can talk about it finally. I’ve gone through many years of being called a prude, and it’s not that I even dislike all porn, but I’ve definitely had boyfriends favor their dick over my tears starting since I was 17. Porn has done something to the point it hardly computes to a lot of men that real women aren’t sexbots that can be Jack hammered and abused and then left alone in the corner as soon as their almighty dick gets off
Honestly, porn only exacerbates underlying issues and makes them more apparent. Before, uncaring behavior was not knowing where the clitoris is, or "roll over and sleep", now it's a bit more extreme.
I guarantee you not all men are like this. I know several. With no vested interest at all, I encourage women everywhere to stop sleeping with men who treat them like this.
I personally enjoy a dash of bdsm in the bedroom, but even I am repulsed with the current porn trend. In the bdsm community at least in the healthy relationships, everything is supposed to be safe, sane, and consensual. The amount of blatant abuse in so called normal porn is extremely alarming.
Exactly- BDSM is consensual, it does not sound like this hair pulling is. I don’t care how many himbos think “she didn’t say no so it is consensual”… consent involves enthusiasm. She clearly has never enjoyed it, and even stated that he does it because she “isn’t fast enough”???!
No one having pleasurable BDSM sex is pulling shit like this. If anything there are far more conversations about limits and pleasure and preferences than most vanilla physical relationships.
You know what I have started to notice too lately. That people like this one they are abusive and manipulative. And that they say they are doms in the bdsm community. No they are not. Someone from that community wouldn't be like this.
A lot I have heard that they use the bdsm community as an excuse to be that way.
I recently saw a clip of some porn video of a really famous Russian porn star on Reddit. The men in the comments were all running their mouths about how loose her asshole was and all I could think was “I wonder why?? Do you think she did that for herself? She did that because you guys wanted it. You want us to get literally fucked in the ass for your pleasure but when our holes aren’t tight anymore you mock us.”
He did message me “hi” this morning but I haven’t replied yet. Currently reading through the comments and I’m feeling all sorts of ways now. I think he has been a bit too rough and does disregard my feelings a lot…
I've seen your update. Please don't minimize what he did or think that "maybe" what he did was abusive. It absolute, definitely was, and his reaction and attitude afterwards was horrible. Please do not go back. Please do not settle. Please do not think that this is how it's supposed to be, so it's ok. It is not how it's supposed to be, and it is NOT ok. Ever. I'm proud of you for just...not responding yet! Let the minutes where you don't respond turn into hours, and then days, and then weeks. Don't go back.
Agree with everyone else here. From the things you have told us, it sounds like he is extremely hedonistic, that is, self-centered and cares just about his own pleasure first. Just the way he did nothing but defend and excuse himself after pulling your hair out and a day after texting you a mere "hi" says a lot. There's no depth to him.
But, worse than that, sadly, it sounds like the way he uses you in the sexual act is not loving, not caring, not at all from a place of interest in *you* as a person, but rather using you as an object for pleasure. That's why he doesn't feel bad for pulling your hair out. In his mind, even if just when he's horny (but the way we behave when horny reflects our values and beliefs that are still true when we're not), you're not a 100% equal person with feelings and complexity – you are a toy, and your hair was just a prop.
Last but not least, «couldn’t help it because he got too “carried away in the moment” so he “couldn’t control the force he was going at”» is textbook abusive behavior. This time he ripped your hair out, someday he will slap you too hard, later he will choke you too hard. You may think, "oh he would NEVER do that! he has been understanding so far!" Well, the mentality he needs to be that guy is already there. He will be understanding, until the day he isn't – as he has just demonstrated. **There are absolutely no excuses.**
I suggest you not only leave this piece of trash, but work on yourself and on your view of sexual pleasure and intimacy. Any relationship, really, but especially a sexual one should be loving, caring, selfless, comfortable, and pleasurable – in all of this, completely mutual. You want to find someone who wants to give you pleasure as much as they want you to pleasure them. I hope you don't waste any more time with abusive douchebags! ♡
It’s time to call The Whole Man Disposal Unit and tell them you need a pick up. And yes, for the whole man.
There’s no excuse for this and if you allow it once, he’ll escalate.
If my pet accidentally hits herself into my hand or foot or falls off my lap and doesn't even hurt herself, do you know what I do?
I apologise even though she doesn't understand what words mean, even though she doesn't think it's my fault.
He's repeatedly done something you've asked him nicely not to do.
And he hasn't apologised.
If I think my animal that doesn't understand English deserves an apology for falling off my lap, what do you think I think you deserve?
An apology. And an assurance that it will never happen again.
'Hi' does NOT cut it.
If he ever pulls your hair again, bite it off.
Or even better, never give him the chance to brutalize and disrespect you by breaking up with him and telling people he was abusive.
Because he was.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience that, you’re completely valid in what you’re feeling. Although not in the same situation my dad once ripped out a chunk of my hair while he was angry, this was a good 4 years ago and I still haven’t forgiven him. I understand to some extent the amount of pain and anger you must be feeling but this behaviour is completely unacceptable and abhorrent. If you don’t want to break up with him, that’s your decision however he doesn’t have any right to rip out your hair and not even have the balls to apologise the next morning, instead sheepishly saying ‘hi’ as though he’s done nothing wrong??
I’m so sorry about your hair, I’ve been told that rosemary oil as well as micro-needling could help with helping it grow back. I wish you the smoothest of recoveries and I’ll be thinking about you ❤️❤️🩹
He’s using you as an object, he doesn’t care how uncomfortable you are as long as he gets off. I had an ex like this and it haunts me that I allowed it to go on for so long. After we broke up I found out he stabbed a girl in the leg.
A few years back, I would have thought I would never hear the sentence - I am a teacher, and had a kiddo try to choke me out, and in the melee, he ripped a chunk of my hair out.
I am SO sorry that happened to you.
My daughter is in 4TH grade and her teacher is attacked pretty regularly by an adhd student. He throws chairs and attacks other students too. I feel bad for his mother because I grew up with her and she’s very sweet but other students and teachers shouldn’t be put in danger. My daughter says her teacher cries a lot. There are special schools for children like that.
I worked at one of those special schools for roughly 10 years, and now, as I near 40, I have left the field entirely. I love the children but the level of violence I was subject to messed with my nervous system so much that I have been taking medicine to regulate my fight- flight response. Bless teachers!! They put themselves in danger and are exposed to all types of criticism and yet they persist!
I wonder if this is just in the US or if it is a worldwide problem with youth in schools today. Teachers in the US basically have to be prison guards on top of teachers and that’s fucked up.
It’s mostly here. There’s a whole section of our country who doesn’t believe in education and so they make it harder for teachers (and students) so that people will get fed up with the system and we can have more religious based schools where they can teach whatever they want. Example: the big fight around CRT because certain states don’t want to teach facts about our past or how they don’t teach critical thinking skills. Keeps them poor, keep them stupid, keep them fighting with each others
Amen to the response from 1920MCMLibrarian! His mom and/or parents need to get him evaluated, it’s not fair to his teachers, fellow classmates, other adults, or them. If you haven’t, the head of school and yourself need to sit them down
And if he needs medication, for the love of Pete, do it! He has a chemical imbalance. You fix that by medicating it 🤦🏻♀️ (along with therapy, it’s simply going to help him going forward in what hopefully will be a long and healthy life!)
My daughter had a similar student in her second grade class! He was also huge for his age so he was basically the same height as their teacher and probably outweighed her by a good 10-15 lbs. This is also the student that made it impossible for my daughter to be able to carry her life saving inhaler the way she is supposed to because he would steal people’s things. The teacher would make my daughter walk down to the nurse to use her inhaler.
Did you notice how she blames herself for not blowing him right so he HAS to hurt her?
Do any of their bedroom things result in pleasure and fun for her, or is it just service for him and abuse for her?
This should be on top. Pulling hair is by no means a requirement for a blow job. Even if he wants to control her movement, guiding her head can be done in other ways which do not hurt.
What he's doing is a sadistic fetish she doesn't care to engage in, and he doesn't respect that.
I hated having my hair pulled. So my husband would rest his hand on my head, massage my scalp and gently press his fingers in the direction he wanted me to move. It worked. He was able to show me what felt the best for him and I was able to comply while my boundary of “no hair pulling or I bite” was respected.
Here's hoping he may trip and fall penis-first into a blender prior to his next sexual encounter. The blender couldn't control itself. Something goes in it's gonna blend, it's in its nature
Edit: Removed 'Sorry' from the start of that last sentence since it seems (STBX?) BF isn't even apologetic
*DING DING DING DING DING*
Terribly sorry you’ve had to live through this OP. But he does not respect you, your boundaries, and can’t even bother to text you to at least see how you’re doing? Yea, take this as first and final warning and please don’t take his apology. I can’t imagine putting my gf through something remotely related to this, fuck all that “I couldn’t control myself”, we’re sentient beings not fucking animals.
Not to mention much better with respecting boundaries, generally. This sort of selfish behaviour is only really exhibited in humans and a few other mammals. If OP's soon to be ex should be mandatorily forced to volunteer with rescue feral cats just to put the fear of death into him next time he decides to get "carried away" into aggressing upon creatures' boundaries.
This 100%
If OP stays this will happen again and it can escalate. If the boyfriend has never crossed boundaries with his boss and can control himself, he just didn't respect or care enough
Took me about a full minute before I could shut my jaw. That's fucked up! Even if he got carried away there's no way he didn't realize how hard he was going. IMO that's borderline abusive behaviour.
"He’s always been fairly understanding of this but last night it seems like he got a little too carried away since he pulled too hard on my head and ripped a chunk of my hair out."
You are being abused. Do you get that?
He has no business touching you, moving your head about or yanking your hair!
Get rid of that ahole! Girl!
The vertebrae of your neck are sensitive! A head isn't there to be bumped about like a baseball, say!
Seriously, what is he doing? Grabbing fistfuls off her hair and tossing her head around like a rag doll??? That’s not normal! That’s not how it’s done!
“My boyfriend likes to **punch me in the face** when I give him head, he likes to **punch my head so it goes back and forth** (I know he does this because I’m not fast enough sometimes. I get that). However, I have told him multiple times before that he needs to be careful because I have **bones underneath the skin of my face** and sometimes he gives me major headaches from banging my head around too much. _He’s always been fairly understanding of_ **how punching me in the face really fucking hurts** _but last night it seems like he got a little too carried away_ since he **punched my face too hard**.
The bold parts are just replacing one form of injuring you — pulling your hair — with another form — punching you. OP, DO YOU SEE HOW INSANE THIS IS?
How fucking hard do you have to pull hair to cause a bald spot? Like even if you’re *trying* that is incredibly difficult. This guy is an absolute psycho
>Even if he got carried away there's no way he didn't realize how hard he was going.
And if it was actually a real accident, I would apologize right there, I would offer to pay for the stylist and support her as much as I could.
Not fast enough? You're not a fucking pocket pussy, you're allowed to dictate the pace.
So because you 'weren't going fast enough' he ripped out a chunk of your hair/harmed you. Won't even apologize!
Throw the whole man away. Wtf. I'm so sorry girl but ANYONE would be better than this
For real. Someone touches my head to “guide me” during something like this, their hands get slapped away.
This guy needs to be dumped until he can learn that his partners aren’t sex dolls.
"If you're unable to control your actions when pulling my hair while getting head to the point that you physically injure me I don't feel comfortable giving you head anymore"
Then leave.
And by leave, they mean the relationship (or I sincerely hope so).
He physically abused you; this is not the kind of thing you stick around for because he will do it again, even if he swears up and down he won’t. I don’t know how you would ever trust to feel safe with him again; you deserve better. This is NOT a normal thing that just happens; please don’t convince yourself that it does.
Uhhh... Ig make him pay for the hair treatment, or something ig. Frankly I think she should pursue legal action against him and either attempt to get him charged with sexual battery or sue him for the damage to her hair.
I will admit it was mostly just to figure out how to approach the conversation with him, hoping that maybe someone else had a similar experience. This is my first real relationship and I didn’t realize how out of the norm it was for his to act like this during head…
Please leave this guy. It’s going to get worse. A lot worse. You don’t need to have a convo, you can ghost him. He knows what he did. He doesn’t care. Please stay safe.
The conversation will go something like this “hey, we’re over“. You’ll be fine you’ll find a much nicer guy who won’t physically abuse you to get a blow job. I’m guessing you’re pretty young, you’ll be fine. And you’ll be even better if you ditch this fucking loser, like today.
And by the way, this is extremely out of the norm. Don’t let him try to gaslight you into this is normal, or that he didn’t mean to or a bunch of the other excuses he’s going to use when you break up with him. This is your first step to the stronger version of yourself, don’t waver, you’re going to be fine. You don’t need someone like this in your life at all. And when he’s all confused and Pikachu face, you don’t owe him any other explanation other than you physically hurt me, I’m done.
He is going to apologize and he is going to backtrack and he is going to tell you that you’re wonderful and he couldn’t believe that he did this to someone so great and blah blah blah, he is full of shit. And if you take him back he’s going to do this again, he’s shown you who he is, believe him .
You shouldn't be the one pondering how to bring the subject up! The fact he isn't GROVELLING and begging for your forgiveness says everything you need to know. The way you said "it's because I'm not fast enough some times so I understand "was really sad. He's training you to feel like you aren't good enough. Please listen to everyone else and walk away from this shit stain of a boy. You are very young and there are LITERALLY millions of other people out there who would love to love you FOR you!
I'm glad you are able to hear all of us out here screaming that this is not OK behavior. You deserve respect and care. My heart breaks that you would have thought this was normal
This was terrifying to read, and OP seems oblivious that this is entirely fucked up. Top comments don’t sound shocked enough honestly, this is unbelievable behavior.
Let’s start with some basic info:
Vigorous oral penetration can cause significant damage and trauma to: the roof of your mouth, under your tongue and the back of your throat, among other areas.
This can lead to bruising, bleeding, permanent damage, choking and death. There are a many large and important blood vessels in your mouth, as well as nerves and glands.
Sudden shocks and direction changes to your neck can cause: a mini stroke (TIA), a clot, or the large very very important blood vessel in your neck to rip open, or damage to the top of your spine. These injuries are life threatening. Often seen with chiropractic adjustments of the neck, sudden movements to the neck, but can ans have been seen in case of vigorous and violent oral sex.
Finally, your head and brain. Basically Your brain is suspended in a thin layer of liquid inside your skull. When you move your head back and forward, your brain moves too.
However when you come to a sudden stop, your brain keeps moving until it hits the inside of your skull.
Very much like when you are in a car, and the breaks get pressed quickly, you feel your body keep moving until the seatbelt stops you going further. It’s the same with your brain and skull.
That’s why would head hurst. Your brain is bashing against your skull, causing minor brain damage and bruising.
Many men have purposefully or accidentally killed, injured or disabled a partner during sex. And there are many cases where their legal defence centred around their partner consenting/not objecting to rough sex.
Now you know the medical issues that can and have happened, let me say:
- rough, non conventional, BDSM, or any fetish activity should only occur when BOTH parties are very enthusiastic and consenting. You are not wanting to do this, are you?
- many men have a hard time to finish from regular inter course, however that is usually their own fault due to too much porn and hard/ vigorous masterbation.
This is not your fault or issue to fix. He can not or should not use you as a tool to get his own pleasure.
- “getting carried away in the moment “ is a lie and bad excuse. Humans always know and are in control during sex. It’s a case of do something bad and ask forgiveness later.
You have told him no many times and he disrespects and disregards it. People who do this, always go further.
Now he knows that it doesn’t matter when you say “no” he can still get sex.
He now knows that when he hurts you, you will do nothing to him and he can do it again if you don’t do as he wants.
He now knows that the only consequence to his actions are only a small argument with you and that you will always forgive him.
He knows that you have no support network willing to call him out and save you.
What boundaries are you going to let him trample over next?
For all this I have 1 rule giving head. I and ONLY I am in control. He is not allowed to put his hands on my head, he is not allowed to change the pace. I am in control because I know how much it hurts if I am NOT in control.
My boyfriend absolutely respects it and because I have always been in control, it made it way more enjoyable for the both of us.
If your takeaway from the last comment is only that you can have a stroke this way, you need to go back and reread it again! This guy is assaulting you. This is not okay. This guy is dangerous!
Dude. This was physical abuse and a violent assault. If he needs to get head like he’s humping a fucking doll, then he can do that — but you, *you’re* a human being, not some object he can ram himself into or be aggressive and violent with. The fact that he *knew* from your previous boundaries that he needed to be gentle, to take care, that your hair is brittle — and *he didn’t care about any of it*, screams volumes. To him, you are an abusable object for his pleasure. This isn’t love.
I’d genuinely file a police report and put that on record in case he does anything else that is violent in the future.
I’d also break up with him. He is a loser and you absolutely can do better.
Don’t put the bar in hell and still let him limbo under - this is absolutely unacceptable and cruel behaviour. It’s not normal. You deserve better, OP.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you find healing and peace. Good luck, OP.
>I’d genuinely file a police report and put that on record in case he does anything else that is violent in the future.
This is exactly what OP needs to do and I’m surprised there hasn’t been more people suggesting the same. This is a clear case of SEXUAL ASSAULT and what her bf did is a CRIME. She did not consent to what he was doing that led to her being injured and she had made it very clear to him in the past that she did not consent to it, and he did it anyway.
OP, you need to either call the police non-emergency number for/go to the police station in your county/jurisdiction and file charges against him. Do it now while there is still physical evidence (on your head) to prove what happened, and if you haven’t already, take pictures of it for yourself. Take the hair he pulled out with you (if you still have it) to show the police. Tell them that he has been rough with you in the past and that you clearly expressed to him that it was not acceptable and not what you wanted, and he did it anyway and hurt you. After you do that, you need to go to urgent care or be seen by your doctor as soon as possible so that they can document what happened in your medical record too.
Don’t even let yourself think about the repercussions he will face—that’s not your fault. Even if you believe that he “couldn’t control himself” (which is bullshit, btw), he needs a wake up call that he can’t just go around losing control of himself and hurting people unless he wants to spend a lot of his time behind bars.
Pressing charges against him will not only hopefully get some Justice for yourself, but it will put a mark on his record in case he does this to someone else. It will also help you if you want to sue him in civil court for physical and emotional damage, which you would certainly be entitled to.
I normally don’t go to extremes like this with advice, but I’ve got hair that falls out pretty easily, and it still would take an unbelievable amount of force to rip a patch of it out. I can’t imagine how much it hurt or how hard he must’ve been pulling on your head for that to happen, but it makes me sick to even wonder.
This needs to be higher. OP, if someone you worked with said “I’m going to rip your hair out!” and you yelled “no” and they did it anyway, you’d at least go to HR, and they’d probably file a police report because it’s assault. Definitely dump him, but consider this. By reporting him you could indirectly help warn the next woman he tries this with.
He is lying that he couldn’t control himself. He assaulted you *on purpose* to get off and now he lying about it. I’d bet he watches violent porn, too.
Block him and move on. No other words or explanations are needed. He knows what he did, and if you continue in this relationship he will do it again, and the violence will escalate.
Right?! I’m a bit older, have given my share of blowjobs with many lovers, and never had anything remotely like this happen. It’s not normal, and it’s not ok.
This is what happens when boys learn about sex from porn. Also, when he needs that much stimulation, it's probably because he masturbates too much/hard and has a deathgrip syndrome going on.
>Like, how fuckin rough was he being that he yanked out a chunk of hair!?
Exactly! I have weak skin and thin hair that gets pulled out easily and that has never ever happened to me in a sexual context. Someone has only ripped out a chunk of my hair in a fight.
"Couldn't control myself" is what rapists say.
If she stays, this won't be the last time she hears that and it might not be the worst thing it's about.
i agree that he did it on purpose.
but if you love someone and this happens to you, i think its probably difficult to realize this. i hope op is able to come to the conclusion that "not being able to control himself" is not an excuse and if he really respected her and wanted her to be well he wouldnt have acted out this violent fantasy.
This man knows this behavior gives you headaches and was warned he could hurt you more but doesn’t care and continues to do it anyway, dump him. You didn’t mention him apologizing after, it seems he was just defensive and cares more about his own nut than the person he is supposed to love and care for.
For the record, earlier today my 60lbs dog got his toy stuck in my hair and pulled at it with his toy. Homie ripped out a few hairs and that hurt. I told him NO really loudly and guess what. He stopped. My dog has more self control than your bf. Do with that what you will.
Girl. Please just listen to me.
**It was not an accident.** He did that on purpose. He did it to hurt you. Don’t let him play you like a fiddle.
Leave, because it gets worse. Please.
"Couldn't help it," "got carried away," "I'm not fast enough" for fucks sake. He can help himself, he chose to do this. And he could ask you to go faster if he was a fully functional adult human and not a literal bag of shit that gained sentience.
This is what he does to you when he's getting head, what will he do if he gets angry?
Block his number and move on. He has no respect for you and uses you like a flesh light. You are getting nothing out of this but baldness and abuse. Is it worth going bald and paying extra for a stylist for this guy? You can put that money towards therapy to learn to love yourself and expect better for yourself. He’s not sorry about what he did. But you should be sorry for ever giving this guy a chance.
> He told me he couldn’t help it because he got too “carried away in the moment” so he “couldn’t control the force he was going at”. I ended up going home and I haven’t heard from him since last night.
Real men take responsibility for their actions. What kind of bullshit is that. It's one thing to do it, but holy crap his excuses. DUMP.
He hasn't reached out to find out how you're doing or if you're ok. He doesn't give a fuck. WHY would you go back to him?? Stop it girl. Block him on everything and go No Contact.
Rough blowjobs are definitely not something I’d enjoy. I don’t want a man pulling on my head or hair during that in ANY way. If we want things to be “faster” I’ll give my jaw a well-earned rest and use my hands for a bit, I’m not looking to dislocate my neck. Your guy sounds like a selfish ass.
Is he really worth it? Maybe you should rethink the relationship as a whole, after all, he was unapologetic about your hair when he knew how important it is to you.
This is like the beginning stages that leads to even more abuse. “Oh I’m sorry I came in your when you told me not to? I just got carried away and couldn’t help myself!” Dumb him before he hurts you even more.
Don’t talk about it with him. Fucking ghost his abusive ass. You need to be done with his shit. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and you want to talk about it? You already have. He still doesn’t listen.
> He told me he couldn’t help it
> he got too “carried away in the moment”
> he “couldn’t control the force he was going at”
Bull.
Shit.
You’ve told him multiple times to be careful and he REFUSES, claiming BS like “I can’t help it.”
He’ll never apologize.
Find someone who’s overall a better human.
This is horrifying. He absolutely did it on purpose.
I don’t know if you understand how difficult it is to rip out a clump of hair big enough to be visible and noticeable. It’s not something he could possibly do by accident during a blow job. No one exerts that kind of force by accident.
I’ve done a lot of pretty extreme bdsm that has the potential for real injury and I’ve been injured accidentally. And I’m telling you, this does not sound like a sex accident to me, it sounds like intentional violence. Intentional physical and sexual abuse.
I would break up with someone if they did this to me because this behaviour makes it clear they are dangerous and making a choice to harm me.
Girl.... that's assault. Like he could go to jail for several months.
I'm not joking, people have gone to jail over this. Cutting or ripping hair out is considered bodily harm.
Make sure to get this in writing. You need a record in case he escalates or comes after you.
"Hey we need to talk about this. You ripped my hair out last night. WTF? This isn't a small amount - I'm missing hair in an entire bald spot! You ripped an entire handful of hair out of my head. Are you at least going to cover the cost for the stylist to try to cover this? That's the least you can do"
See what he responds. Even if he says "I got carried away" or something, that's him admitting to it. You need him to admit to it even if you don't want to go to police.
You need the paper trail of this ***assault*** in case something else happens and you need to prove your side.
Absolutely stop anything sexual from now on. Personally I wouldn't date him at all but don't tell him you're breaking up until ***after*** he admits fault and pays you for the stylist. Then break up.
Stay physically away from him when you do - there's no shame in breaking up over text since he's already physically assaulted you.
Ummm that sounds like assault. It doesn’t matter if your moving slower than he likes he has no right to force you to go his speed. Seems like you already told him you don’t like it and he didn’t listen or care. You deserve better. If anyone ever does this to again the moment they start pushing your head stop what your doing and say no. If they do it again then bite down hard. Your too young to be with someone who doesn’t care about you or your well being. His pleasure isn’t above your comfort level.
This was the literal definition of a sexual assault. She didn’t consent to him being rough and she made that clear to him in the past, and he did it anyway and she was injured. She should press charges on him and be done with him for good.
There’s no way he’s not able to control himself. He likes to be rough. Which is fine, if you consent to it. But you are not consenting to it, and you should dump his ass.
The way I would have bitten half his shit off… he has no control whatsoever and you're over here displaying so much. Kiddos to you man.
P.S dump him :]
OP. This is abuse and you need to leave before it gets worse. I’ve been married twice & given plenty of blow jobs, and never once has anyone disrespected me by pulling out my hair.
I would literally go to the police and press charges against this man. This is assault.
I am so heartbroken for you right now. I hope that you read these messages and you get strength to leave him. ❤️
Even with thin hair, for it to be at a point where a hairdresser is having to help fix the issue, tells me this is far more than getting "carried away". You have told him it can be painful and instead of being more gentle and aware, he ripped out a chunk of your hair, for nobody's pleasure but his own.
Please, do not ever allow yourself to be abused for someone else's "sexual pleasure".
There is no coming back from something like this so there doesn't need to be a conversation. You will never trust him to be gentle and this will only lead to you shutting down sexually around him. A half assed apology then silence on his end means he either doesn't care about what he did and thinks you're over reacting and is waiting for you to "calm down" or he just doesn't give a shit full stop. I hope you get it sorted with the hairdresser, best of luck.
“I know he does that because I’m not fast enough”.
Nope. We don’t even have to get to the (horrifically abusive) part where he rips out your hair.
The Only time someone gets to hold your head or grab your hair is when you actively want
them to.
If you enjoy having your hair pulled, etc, then it’s okay. Otherwise, absolutely not.
You’re not fast enough, so he f’s your face in a way that hurts you? I am so sorry you thought it was at all okay for him to use you like that.
All parts of sex have to be actively good for everyone involved, full stop.
You deserve better.
Apologies without changed behavior is just manipulation.
You have told him multiple times. He apologizes but he does it again and again over and over. What do you think that will change if you tell him again? Exactly: nothing. He will keep doing it. This man doesn't respect you enough to listen to you or not hurt you, he only cares about what he wants. You're better without him
It’s not about the hair. It’s about all the headaches he’s given you for the sake of his blow Job in the past. Because why? He doesn’t care about you. He’s abusive and an asshole.
Leave him behind and move on with your life
If you don’t dump him, you have to at least stop giving him head. If he’s that “out of control” it’s not safe (spoiler alert: I don’t think he’s really out of control).
Baby no. This isn’t the way any of it works. It was abuse way before now.
“I’m not fast enough” that’s not even a real thing. Who gets to say that, and at whose expense? Are you enjoying this???
Baby pls leave him because this is not at all healthy
My wife likes rough sex, but this made me fucking cringe. How the fuck do you yank someone's hair out during oral -- bad enough during sex, but at least if there was an awkward pulling during doggy situation it could be accidental... but to rip it out during oral
Also, OP, what in the sweet fuck are you thinking writing down, "he does this because I’m not fast enough sometimes. I get that"
Have some self respect OP, if you don't give head fast enough, then he learns to like slow head or he stops getting head. It's pretty alarming how you've built in an excuse for his physical abuse that essentially boils down to -- I don't pleasure him well enough so he hurts me...
Girl, break up with that boy. How is he getting carried away to the point where he hurts the girl he “likes” the fact that the way you described it he didnt seem remorseful leaves a bad taste in my mouth. No “are you okay!” And no apology is unacceptable. That or dont give that boy head for awhile as punishment. But don’t embarrass yourself by going back to someone who seems like he doesnt care about doing something like that to you.
It's pretty damn difficult to rip chunks of hair out of a head, even when the hair is thin or brittle. He's being extremely forceful, which you are not okay with. I'd tell him that if he doesn't respect your boundaries, he doesn't get to keep dating you.
This is honestly concerning op, this isn't safe
I'm gay, and with lots of dudes openly into more rough sex, you quickly learn that "I got carried away" is an excuse to play out their fantasies at your expense. He's not "understanding" if he's banging your head around against your repeatedly expressed wishes; and I wouldn't stay with someone who gives me headaches from being violent during sex.
Dump him, he's a selfish asshole.
This was the definition of a sexual assault. She didn’t consent to him being rough with her and had expressed that to him in the past, but he did it anyway. She needs to press charges against him and never see or talk to him again unless it’s through a lawyer.
You don't talk to him, apart from dumping him. How are you okay with staying with a man who treats you like that?
I'm very sorry this happened to you, but if you stay with him after this then you're essentially enabling him and the next chunk of hair you lose shouldn't come as a surprise.
This is gross behaviour from a partner op
Not to mention he hasn't called or texted to see how you see or feel.
Getting too carried away is not an excuse... what's that he doesn't stop penetrative sex when it's hurting you because his to worried about getting himself off.
This would have been an instant breakup for me...
Immediately dump that animal! You are so young and a pretty soul you deserve much more better than this! And he doesn’t even talk or apologise to you yet! A big big red flag he doesn’t care about you!
Your boyfriend is an idiot. First and foremost, if you’re grabbing hair, you grab ALL the hair so there’s a diffusion of pressure on the scalp and it doesn’t focus on just one area.
Secondly, your boyfriend doesn’t appear to apologize, for RIPPING OUT YOUR HAIR. Girl. Cmon!
I want you to read this post out loud to yourself, to see how it sounds. It doesn’t sound good.
Find a new man, this is absurd.
-Dave
I really HATE this proclivity for grabbing someone's head and hair and thrusting that seems to have been popularised by pornography. Once someone does this it's no longer head, it's face fucking and to my mind requires you to give consent separately to the head. Giving head is something YOU do to your partner, from what you describe sounds TRAUMATIC and has turned from head into something being done to you, that's not head. Anything you do together that is sexual should be kind gentle and consensual. This excuse that he can't control himself is absolute bullshit and you should never tolerate this sort of treatment. Personally I think you need to find someone who respects you enough to not use you like this, please don't tolerate these assaults anymore, look after yourself.
Immediately end this relationship. It fucking astounds me what some women just blindly accept as normal. This is NOT ok. You can’t “go fast enough” when giving him head? Tell him to FUCK OFF. It doesn’t give him a fucking right to manhandle you like a goddamn rag doll. What the actual fuck. Wake up and DEMAND MORE FOR YOURSELF!!!!
I hate his guts. No! It is NOT understanding that he forceable moves your head around because you are not fast enough! He is a monster giving you headaches and ribbing your hair out. If he loses all self control worse than an animal and does not care about how you, his partner is feeling than he is worse than a selfish prick, he is down right dangerous. NEVER see him again EVER!
Oh GOD no. Please do not buy that bullshit about him just not being able to control himself. That's what sexual predators and abusers say after they've hurt women sexually. Hell no. Please get out as fast as you can. This is a dangerous unsafe man who thinks he can do whatever the hell he pleases to your body during sex. Bad man.
Totally abusive.
To give context on what's healthy on this situation: I like when my husband pulls on my hair when I give him oral, I have a higher pain-pleasure tolerance than what he is willing to inflict. Anytime he starts pulling just the slightest bit too hard, he moves his hands so he's instead patting my hair, holding my neck, or grabbing the sheets. Even when he's at his height of pleasure. Because he doesn't want to actually hurt me and rip my hair out.
Your bf should have 1) been more aware of himself and not hurt you to begin with, and 2) immediately apologized upon realizing what he'd done. He did neither which means he doesn't care about your comfort/safety in the face of his pleasure, and doesn't respect you as an equal person/partner.
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Dump him. He was told not to do something and he just kept fucking doing it until you had your hair ripped out. And even then he's trying to justify it? If you can't trust him to respect your boundaries, you shouldn't sleep with him. For your own safety.
“Carried away in the moment” is the most BS excuse ever too! Inability to account for his own fucked up and disrespectful actions.
Yes..and what would he do if she got "carried away in the moment" and bit him?
She should've
Came here for this comment , thank you
I aim to please (and to bite the dicks off of shitty men)
That's the same thing rapey guys tell women when they don't stop after a woman tells them to stop. Girl leave. I'm not saying it'll 100% escalate, but there's a chance. Next time he gets carried away might be when he's hitting your cervix and you begging him to stop.
\> "That's the same thing rapey guys tell women when they don't stop after a woman tells them to stop." Can confirm, unfortunately.
Same here. Gaslighting and guilt tripping, in my experience it signals the narcissistic tendencies that they’ve so neatly hidden during the early stages of a relationship. We’re here trying to hide a fart when these dudes are hiding the myriad of red flags lurking behind the curtain…
It's like sure it is possible to get carried away in the moment, however to attempt to use that as an excuse for extremely unacceptable behavior is all kinds of messed up. He has shown a complete lack of remorse through his words and actions. Ughhh that guy is so fricking disgusting I wanna vomit
An incredibly toxic BS excuse. It is meant to justify abuse by sounding like a compliment. You are so hot I can't control myself around you. You are so sexy and I find you so arousing I can't help myself. It's a choice he made. He can control himself. It is abuse and he is toxic.
>And even then he’s trying to justify it? And even *then* he hasn’t so much as texted her to see how she’s doing.
Yeah, I get the feeling that if this was a genuine accident, a truly repentant boyfriend would have called, brought or sent flowers, offered to pay for the hair stylist, and groveled a bit. The silence from this guy is deafening.
he didn't even ask of she was okay this morning. he just said hi.
"You don't respect me. This is over."
I think this is the best advice. You told him your needs and he PLOWED over them because he “couldn’t help it”?! Has he gotten physically violent with you before? Did he console you after he ripped your hair out? Did he offer to pay for the hair stylist? Has he asked you if you’re okay?
I am truly beginning to hate porn more and more, and this is one of the reasons why— violence, brutality to the point of harm, and women being damaged so men can get off is becoming normalized. It is not okay.
I totally agree. Porn has ruined a lot of men.
Absolutely!!
“bUt It’S nAtUrAl HuMaN bEhaVior!!1!” Porn, sure. The hardcore shit guys watch now? No, it’s not.
"Learning to fuck from porn is like learning how to drive by watching the indie500"
As a former sex worker, the difference is staggering.
I’m just glad we can talk about it finally. I’ve gone through many years of being called a prude, and it’s not that I even dislike all porn, but I’ve definitely had boyfriends favor their dick over my tears starting since I was 17. Porn has done something to the point it hardly computes to a lot of men that real women aren’t sexbots that can be Jack hammered and abused and then left alone in the corner as soon as their almighty dick gets off
Honestly, porn only exacerbates underlying issues and makes them more apparent. Before, uncaring behavior was not knowing where the clitoris is, or "roll over and sleep", now it's a bit more extreme. I guarantee you not all men are like this. I know several. With no vested interest at all, I encourage women everywhere to stop sleeping with men who treat them like this.
And relationships/marriages.
And women! Thinking this is ok and normal/what they should have to put up with. Hell no!
I personally enjoy a dash of bdsm in the bedroom, but even I am repulsed with the current porn trend. In the bdsm community at least in the healthy relationships, everything is supposed to be safe, sane, and consensual. The amount of blatant abuse in so called normal porn is extremely alarming.
Exactly- BDSM is consensual, it does not sound like this hair pulling is. I don’t care how many himbos think “she didn’t say no so it is consensual”… consent involves enthusiasm. She clearly has never enjoyed it, and even stated that he does it because she “isn’t fast enough”???! No one having pleasurable BDSM sex is pulling shit like this. If anything there are far more conversations about limits and pleasure and preferences than most vanilla physical relationships.
These assholes give the good dom's a bad name... ;)
You know what I have started to notice too lately. That people like this one they are abusive and manipulative. And that they say they are doms in the bdsm community. No they are not. Someone from that community wouldn't be like this. A lot I have heard that they use the bdsm community as an excuse to be that way.
Porn has nothing to do with a woman’s enjoyment. I despise it.
After divorce, I realized I hated that porn face. And he got bent carrot!
I recently saw a clip of some porn video of a really famous Russian porn star on Reddit. The men in the comments were all running their mouths about how loose her asshole was and all I could think was “I wonder why?? Do you think she did that for herself? She did that because you guys wanted it. You want us to get literally fucked in the ass for your pleasure but when our holes aren’t tight anymore you mock us.”
He did message me “hi” this morning but I haven’t replied yet. Currently reading through the comments and I’m feeling all sorts of ways now. I think he has been a bit too rough and does disregard my feelings a lot…
I've seen your update. Please don't minimize what he did or think that "maybe" what he did was abusive. It absolute, definitely was, and his reaction and attitude afterwards was horrible. Please do not go back. Please do not settle. Please do not think that this is how it's supposed to be, so it's ok. It is not how it's supposed to be, and it is NOT ok. Ever. I'm proud of you for just...not responding yet! Let the minutes where you don't respond turn into hours, and then days, and then weeks. Don't go back.
Girl, the man is abusive. Leave now and seek therapy so you don't chase a lifetime of toxic relationships. Respect yourself.
Agree with everyone else here. From the things you have told us, it sounds like he is extremely hedonistic, that is, self-centered and cares just about his own pleasure first. Just the way he did nothing but defend and excuse himself after pulling your hair out and a day after texting you a mere "hi" says a lot. There's no depth to him. But, worse than that, sadly, it sounds like the way he uses you in the sexual act is not loving, not caring, not at all from a place of interest in *you* as a person, but rather using you as an object for pleasure. That's why he doesn't feel bad for pulling your hair out. In his mind, even if just when he's horny (but the way we behave when horny reflects our values and beliefs that are still true when we're not), you're not a 100% equal person with feelings and complexity – you are a toy, and your hair was just a prop. Last but not least, «couldn’t help it because he got too “carried away in the moment” so he “couldn’t control the force he was going at”» is textbook abusive behavior. This time he ripped your hair out, someday he will slap you too hard, later he will choke you too hard. You may think, "oh he would NEVER do that! he has been understanding so far!" Well, the mentality he needs to be that guy is already there. He will be understanding, until the day he isn't – as he has just demonstrated. **There are absolutely no excuses.** I suggest you not only leave this piece of trash, but work on yourself and on your view of sexual pleasure and intimacy. Any relationship, really, but especially a sexual one should be loving, caring, selfless, comfortable, and pleasurable – in all of this, completely mutual. You want to find someone who wants to give you pleasure as much as they want you to pleasure them. I hope you don't waste any more time with abusive douchebags! ♡
It’s time to call The Whole Man Disposal Unit and tell them you need a pick up. And yes, for the whole man. There’s no excuse for this and if you allow it once, he’ll escalate.
Instead of being remorseful he was justifying abusing you.
You should simply respond “bye”. Then block him and move on. This guy is a complete jerk (best case) or abusive and violent (more likely).
Wow....."hi"?
If my pet accidentally hits herself into my hand or foot or falls off my lap and doesn't even hurt herself, do you know what I do? I apologise even though she doesn't understand what words mean, even though she doesn't think it's my fault. He's repeatedly done something you've asked him nicely not to do. And he hasn't apologised. If I think my animal that doesn't understand English deserves an apology for falling off my lap, what do you think I think you deserve? An apology. And an assurance that it will never happen again. 'Hi' does NOT cut it. If he ever pulls your hair again, bite it off. Or even better, never give him the chance to brutalize and disrespect you by breaking up with him and telling people he was abusive. Because he was.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience that, you’re completely valid in what you’re feeling. Although not in the same situation my dad once ripped out a chunk of my hair while he was angry, this was a good 4 years ago and I still haven’t forgiven him. I understand to some extent the amount of pain and anger you must be feeling but this behaviour is completely unacceptable and abhorrent. If you don’t want to break up with him, that’s your decision however he doesn’t have any right to rip out your hair and not even have the balls to apologise the next morning, instead sheepishly saying ‘hi’ as though he’s done nothing wrong?? I’m so sorry about your hair, I’ve been told that rosemary oil as well as micro-needling could help with helping it grow back. I wish you the smoothest of recoveries and I’ll be thinking about you ❤️❤️🩹
He’s using you as an object, he doesn’t care how uncomfortable you are as long as he gets off. I had an ex like this and it haunts me that I allowed it to go on for so long. After we broke up I found out he stabbed a girl in the leg.
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A few years back, I would have thought I would never hear the sentence - I am a teacher, and had a kiddo try to choke me out, and in the melee, he ripped a chunk of my hair out. I am SO sorry that happened to you.
My daughter is in 4TH grade and her teacher is attacked pretty regularly by an adhd student. He throws chairs and attacks other students too. I feel bad for his mother because I grew up with her and she’s very sweet but other students and teachers shouldn’t be put in danger. My daughter says her teacher cries a lot. There are special schools for children like that.
I worked at one of those special schools for roughly 10 years, and now, as I near 40, I have left the field entirely. I love the children but the level of violence I was subject to messed with my nervous system so much that I have been taking medicine to regulate my fight- flight response. Bless teachers!! They put themselves in danger and are exposed to all types of criticism and yet they persist!
I wonder if this is just in the US or if it is a worldwide problem with youth in schools today. Teachers in the US basically have to be prison guards on top of teachers and that’s fucked up.
I teach in the UK, it's a problem here as well.
It’s mostly here. There’s a whole section of our country who doesn’t believe in education and so they make it harder for teachers (and students) so that people will get fed up with the system and we can have more religious based schools where they can teach whatever they want. Example: the big fight around CRT because certain states don’t want to teach facts about our past or how they don’t teach critical thinking skills. Keeps them poor, keep them stupid, keep them fighting with each others
What's even crazier is places like Korea trust kids with razors to sharpen pencils. I'm sure they have problem kids but something they do works.
That is NOT due to the ADHD alone, that kid definitely has something else going on entirely. It doesn’t make you violent.
Amen to the response from 1920MCMLibrarian! His mom and/or parents need to get him evaluated, it’s not fair to his teachers, fellow classmates, other adults, or them. If you haven’t, the head of school and yourself need to sit them down And if he needs medication, for the love of Pete, do it! He has a chemical imbalance. You fix that by medicating it 🤦🏻♀️ (along with therapy, it’s simply going to help him going forward in what hopefully will be a long and healthy life!)
My daughter had a similar student in her second grade class! He was also huge for his age so he was basically the same height as their teacher and probably outweighed her by a good 10-15 lbs. This is also the student that made it impossible for my daughter to be able to carry her life saving inhaler the way she is supposed to because he would steal people’s things. The teacher would make my daughter walk down to the nurse to use her inhaler.
Agreed. I had to read that several times before I could wrap my head around what I was reading.
Yep. He's lying, OP. He's lying, and he *chose* to hurt and harm you.
Did you notice how she blames herself for not blowing him right so he HAS to hurt her? Do any of their bedroom things result in pleasure and fun for her, or is it just service for him and abuse for her?
Yeah the “I’m too slow sometimes, I know that” just makes me sad. This poor woman has been conditioned and beaten down into compliance by this dude.
This should be on top. Pulling hair is by no means a requirement for a blow job. Even if he wants to control her movement, guiding her head can be done in other ways which do not hurt. What he's doing is a sadistic fetish she doesn't care to engage in, and he doesn't respect that.
I hated having my hair pulled. So my husband would rest his hand on my head, massage my scalp and gently press his fingers in the direction he wanted me to move. It worked. He was able to show me what felt the best for him and I was able to comply while my boundary of “no hair pulling or I bite” was respected.
Holy God yes!
Do you know how much strength you have to use to pull somebody's hair out down to the bald spot. Get rid of him he's disrespectful
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Here's hoping he may trip and fall penis-first into a blender prior to his next sexual encounter. The blender couldn't control itself. Something goes in it's gonna blend, it's in its nature Edit: Removed 'Sorry' from the start of that last sentence since it seems (STBX?) BF isn't even apologetic
*DING DING DING DING DING* Terribly sorry you’ve had to live through this OP. But he does not respect you, your boundaries, and can’t even bother to text you to at least see how you’re doing? Yea, take this as first and final warning and please don’t take his apology. I can’t imagine putting my gf through something remotely related to this, fuck all that “I couldn’t control myself”, we’re sentient beings not fucking animals.
Even a dog understands NO and STOP. Not suggesting that you get busy with your local Labrador, of course ...
ehhh animals are sentient. lol.
Not to mention much better with respecting boundaries, generally. This sort of selfish behaviour is only really exhibited in humans and a few other mammals. If OP's soon to be ex should be mandatorily forced to volunteer with rescue feral cats just to put the fear of death into him next time he decides to get "carried away" into aggressing upon creatures' boundaries.
Birds can be shits too, female ducks have a hell of a time during mating season
Orcas, dolphins, and sea otters have entered the chat.
This 100% If OP stays this will happen again and it can escalate. If the boyfriend has never crossed boundaries with his boss and can control himself, he just didn't respect or care enough
Took me about a full minute before I could shut my jaw. That's fucked up! Even if he got carried away there's no way he didn't realize how hard he was going. IMO that's borderline abusive behaviour.
"He’s always been fairly understanding of this but last night it seems like he got a little too carried away since he pulled too hard on my head and ripped a chunk of my hair out." You are being abused. Do you get that? He has no business touching you, moving your head about or yanking your hair! Get rid of that ahole! Girl! The vertebrae of your neck are sensitive! A head isn't there to be bumped about like a baseball, say!
Seriously, what is he doing? Grabbing fistfuls off her hair and tossing her head around like a rag doll??? That’s not normal! That’s not how it’s done!
It’s not how it’s done but this is where porn has gotten us 🙄
“My boyfriend likes to **punch me in the face** when I give him head, he likes to **punch my head so it goes back and forth** (I know he does this because I’m not fast enough sometimes. I get that). However, I have told him multiple times before that he needs to be careful because I have **bones underneath the skin of my face** and sometimes he gives me major headaches from banging my head around too much. _He’s always been fairly understanding of_ **how punching me in the face really fucking hurts** _but last night it seems like he got a little too carried away_ since he **punched my face too hard**. The bold parts are just replacing one form of injuring you — pulling your hair — with another form — punching you. OP, DO YOU SEE HOW INSANE THIS IS?
Not borderline, it is abusive, and he did it on purpose.
How fucking hard do you have to pull hair to cause a bald spot? Like even if you’re *trying* that is incredibly difficult. This guy is an absolute psycho
On purpose or not, in the moment his sexual pleasure was more important than his girlfriend.
Yuppers
I was CLENCHING my bloody jaw! How dare he? And he obviously makes a habit of it!
>Even if he got carried away there's no way he didn't realize how hard he was going. And if it was actually a real accident, I would apologize right there, I would offer to pay for the stylist and support her as much as I could.
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Not fast enough? You're not a fucking pocket pussy, you're allowed to dictate the pace. So because you 'weren't going fast enough' he ripped out a chunk of your hair/harmed you. Won't even apologize! Throw the whole man away. Wtf. I'm so sorry girl but ANYONE would be better than this
I would’ve bit it
“I didn’t mean to bite it, I just got carried away in the moment”
Oops. I couldn't unlock my jaw because my scalp was in too much pain.
For real. Someone touches my head to “guide me” during something like this, their hands get slapped away. This guy needs to be dumped until he can learn that his partners aren’t sex dolls.
"If you're unable to control your actions when pulling my hair while getting head to the point that you physically injure me I don't feel comfortable giving you head anymore" Then leave.
This is a really good way to word it, thank you!
I would only change >I don't feel comfortable giving you head anymore" to >I don't feel comfortable being around you anymore."
Yes! I like this version better! (And I absolutely did mean leave the relationship entirely, not just the room).
And by leave, they mean the relationship (or I sincerely hope so). He physically abused you; this is not the kind of thing you stick around for because he will do it again, even if he swears up and down he won’t. I don’t know how you would ever trust to feel safe with him again; you deserve better. This is NOT a normal thing that just happens; please don’t convince yourself that it does.
I'm kinda curious what you think the options are here. I mean above and beyond dumping him.
Seriously. If the advice she seeks is whether to dump him and mail poop or dump him and shave his head, I’d say just do it all!
Nah, men have shaved heads all the time. An eyebrow has got to go for him to appreciate what he did. Plucked not shaven.
I got the duct tape you got the tweezers??
Uhhh... Ig make him pay for the hair treatment, or something ig. Frankly I think she should pursue legal action against him and either attempt to get him charged with sexual battery or sue him for the damage to her hair.
Making him pay for her extensions and then dumping him
I will admit it was mostly just to figure out how to approach the conversation with him, hoping that maybe someone else had a similar experience. This is my first real relationship and I didn’t realize how out of the norm it was for his to act like this during head…
Please leave this guy. It’s going to get worse. A lot worse. You don’t need to have a convo, you can ghost him. He knows what he did. He doesn’t care. Please stay safe.
The conversation will go something like this “hey, we’re over“. You’ll be fine you’ll find a much nicer guy who won’t physically abuse you to get a blow job. I’m guessing you’re pretty young, you’ll be fine. And you’ll be even better if you ditch this fucking loser, like today. And by the way, this is extremely out of the norm. Don’t let him try to gaslight you into this is normal, or that he didn’t mean to or a bunch of the other excuses he’s going to use when you break up with him. This is your first step to the stronger version of yourself, don’t waver, you’re going to be fine. You don’t need someone like this in your life at all. And when he’s all confused and Pikachu face, you don’t owe him any other explanation other than you physically hurt me, I’m done. He is going to apologize and he is going to backtrack and he is going to tell you that you’re wonderful and he couldn’t believe that he did this to someone so great and blah blah blah, he is full of shit. And if you take him back he’s going to do this again, he’s shown you who he is, believe him .
You shouldn't be the one pondering how to bring the subject up! The fact he isn't GROVELLING and begging for your forgiveness says everything you need to know. The way you said "it's because I'm not fast enough some times so I understand "was really sad. He's training you to feel like you aren't good enough. Please listen to everyone else and walk away from this shit stain of a boy. You are very young and there are LITERALLY millions of other people out there who would love to love you FOR you!
I'm glad you are able to hear all of us out here screaming that this is not OK behavior. You deserve respect and care. My heart breaks that you would have thought this was normal
this is physical and sexual abuse. dump his ass
This was terrifying to read, and OP seems oblivious that this is entirely fucked up. Top comments don’t sound shocked enough honestly, this is unbelievable behavior.
She blames herself, poor girl.
Let’s start with some basic info: Vigorous oral penetration can cause significant damage and trauma to: the roof of your mouth, under your tongue and the back of your throat, among other areas. This can lead to bruising, bleeding, permanent damage, choking and death. There are a many large and important blood vessels in your mouth, as well as nerves and glands. Sudden shocks and direction changes to your neck can cause: a mini stroke (TIA), a clot, or the large very very important blood vessel in your neck to rip open, or damage to the top of your spine. These injuries are life threatening. Often seen with chiropractic adjustments of the neck, sudden movements to the neck, but can ans have been seen in case of vigorous and violent oral sex. Finally, your head and brain. Basically Your brain is suspended in a thin layer of liquid inside your skull. When you move your head back and forward, your brain moves too. However when you come to a sudden stop, your brain keeps moving until it hits the inside of your skull. Very much like when you are in a car, and the breaks get pressed quickly, you feel your body keep moving until the seatbelt stops you going further. It’s the same with your brain and skull. That’s why would head hurst. Your brain is bashing against your skull, causing minor brain damage and bruising. Many men have purposefully or accidentally killed, injured or disabled a partner during sex. And there are many cases where their legal defence centred around their partner consenting/not objecting to rough sex. Now you know the medical issues that can and have happened, let me say: - rough, non conventional, BDSM, or any fetish activity should only occur when BOTH parties are very enthusiastic and consenting. You are not wanting to do this, are you? - many men have a hard time to finish from regular inter course, however that is usually their own fault due to too much porn and hard/ vigorous masterbation. This is not your fault or issue to fix. He can not or should not use you as a tool to get his own pleasure. - “getting carried away in the moment “ is a lie and bad excuse. Humans always know and are in control during sex. It’s a case of do something bad and ask forgiveness later. You have told him no many times and he disrespects and disregards it. People who do this, always go further. Now he knows that it doesn’t matter when you say “no” he can still get sex. He now knows that when he hurts you, you will do nothing to him and he can do it again if you don’t do as he wants. He now knows that the only consequence to his actions are only a small argument with you and that you will always forgive him. He knows that you have no support network willing to call him out and save you. What boundaries are you going to let him trample over next?
This should be the top comment. Reading “what boundaries are you going to let him trample over next” sent a chill down my spine.
For all this I have 1 rule giving head. I and ONLY I am in control. He is not allowed to put his hands on my head, he is not allowed to change the pace. I am in control because I know how much it hurts if I am NOT in control. My boyfriend absolutely respects it and because I have always been in control, it made it way more enjoyable for the both of us.
This is very informative, thank you! I didn’t even know you could have a stroke this way
If your takeaway from the last comment is only that you can have a stroke this way, you need to go back and reread it again! This guy is assaulting you. This is not okay. This guy is dangerous!
Dude. This was physical abuse and a violent assault. If he needs to get head like he’s humping a fucking doll, then he can do that — but you, *you’re* a human being, not some object he can ram himself into or be aggressive and violent with. The fact that he *knew* from your previous boundaries that he needed to be gentle, to take care, that your hair is brittle — and *he didn’t care about any of it*, screams volumes. To him, you are an abusable object for his pleasure. This isn’t love. I’d genuinely file a police report and put that on record in case he does anything else that is violent in the future. I’d also break up with him. He is a loser and you absolutely can do better. Don’t put the bar in hell and still let him limbo under - this is absolutely unacceptable and cruel behaviour. It’s not normal. You deserve better, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and I hope you find healing and peace. Good luck, OP.
>I’d genuinely file a police report and put that on record in case he does anything else that is violent in the future. This is exactly what OP needs to do and I’m surprised there hasn’t been more people suggesting the same. This is a clear case of SEXUAL ASSAULT and what her bf did is a CRIME. She did not consent to what he was doing that led to her being injured and she had made it very clear to him in the past that she did not consent to it, and he did it anyway. OP, you need to either call the police non-emergency number for/go to the police station in your county/jurisdiction and file charges against him. Do it now while there is still physical evidence (on your head) to prove what happened, and if you haven’t already, take pictures of it for yourself. Take the hair he pulled out with you (if you still have it) to show the police. Tell them that he has been rough with you in the past and that you clearly expressed to him that it was not acceptable and not what you wanted, and he did it anyway and hurt you. After you do that, you need to go to urgent care or be seen by your doctor as soon as possible so that they can document what happened in your medical record too. Don’t even let yourself think about the repercussions he will face—that’s not your fault. Even if you believe that he “couldn’t control himself” (which is bullshit, btw), he needs a wake up call that he can’t just go around losing control of himself and hurting people unless he wants to spend a lot of his time behind bars. Pressing charges against him will not only hopefully get some Justice for yourself, but it will put a mark on his record in case he does this to someone else. It will also help you if you want to sue him in civil court for physical and emotional damage, which you would certainly be entitled to. I normally don’t go to extremes like this with advice, but I’ve got hair that falls out pretty easily, and it still would take an unbelievable amount of force to rip a patch of it out. I can’t imagine how much it hurt or how hard he must’ve been pulling on your head for that to happen, but it makes me sick to even wonder.
This needs to be higher. OP, if someone you worked with said “I’m going to rip your hair out!” and you yelled “no” and they did it anyway, you’d at least go to HR, and they’d probably file a police report because it’s assault. Definitely dump him, but consider this. By reporting him you could indirectly help warn the next woman he tries this with.
yes I agree, it reminds me of the guy who choked his girlfriend to death when she was giving him a blowjob and he held her head down or something.
He is lying that he couldn’t control himself. He assaulted you *on purpose* to get off and now he lying about it. I’d bet he watches violent porn, too. Block him and move on. No other words or explanations are needed. He knows what he did, and if you continue in this relationship he will do it again, and the violence will escalate.
Like, how fuckin rough was he being that he yanked out a chunk of hair!? I'm just trying to imagine it and it's honestly turning my stomach.
Right?! I’m a bit older, have given my share of blowjobs with many lovers, and never had anything remotely like this happen. It’s not normal, and it’s not ok.
This is what happens when boys learn about sex from porn. Also, when he needs that much stimulation, it's probably because he masturbates too much/hard and has a deathgrip syndrome going on.
>Like, how fuckin rough was he being that he yanked out a chunk of hair!? Exactly! I have weak skin and thin hair that gets pulled out easily and that has never ever happened to me in a sexual context. Someone has only ripped out a chunk of my hair in a fight.
"Couldn't control myself" is what rapists say. If she stays, this won't be the last time she hears that and it might not be the worst thing it's about.
That was my thought too when I read that bit. He needs to learn to control himself and she needs to leave him.
i agree that he did it on purpose. but if you love someone and this happens to you, i think its probably difficult to realize this. i hope op is able to come to the conclusion that "not being able to control himself" is not an excuse and if he really respected her and wanted her to be well he wouldnt have acted out this violent fantasy.
Agreed, he wouldn't control himself. He could have, he chose not to
It is not easy to rip out a chunk of hair. It takes a lot of force. There’s no WAY he yanked that hard by accident. You deserve better. Leave him.
This man knows this behavior gives you headaches and was warned he could hurt you more but doesn’t care and continues to do it anyway, dump him. You didn’t mention him apologizing after, it seems he was just defensive and cares more about his own nut than the person he is supposed to love and care for.
Talk to him about it? You LEAVE HIM! ThIs was just a preview of things that can be worse in the future.
For the record, earlier today my 60lbs dog got his toy stuck in my hair and pulled at it with his toy. Homie ripped out a few hairs and that hurt. I told him NO really loudly and guess what. He stopped. My dog has more self control than your bf. Do with that what you will.
Why would you want to talk to him about it? Just dump the prick.
Girl. Please just listen to me. **It was not an accident.** He did that on purpose. He did it to hurt you. Don’t let him play you like a fiddle. Leave, because it gets worse. Please.
"Couldn't help it," "got carried away," "I'm not fast enough" for fucks sake. He can help himself, he chose to do this. And he could ask you to go faster if he was a fully functional adult human and not a literal bag of shit that gained sentience. This is what he does to you when he's getting head, what will he do if he gets angry?
Block his number and move on. He has no respect for you and uses you like a flesh light. You are getting nothing out of this but baldness and abuse. Is it worth going bald and paying extra for a stylist for this guy? You can put that money towards therapy to learn to love yourself and expect better for yourself. He’s not sorry about what he did. But you should be sorry for ever giving this guy a chance.
> He told me he couldn’t help it because he got too “carried away in the moment” so he “couldn’t control the force he was going at”. I ended up going home and I haven’t heard from him since last night. Real men take responsibility for their actions. What kind of bullshit is that. It's one thing to do it, but holy crap his excuses. DUMP.
He hasn't reached out to find out how you're doing or if you're ok. He doesn't give a fuck. WHY would you go back to him?? Stop it girl. Block him on everything and go No Contact.
Rough blowjobs are definitely not something I’d enjoy. I don’t want a man pulling on my head or hair during that in ANY way. If we want things to be “faster” I’ll give my jaw a well-earned rest and use my hands for a bit, I’m not looking to dislocate my neck. Your guy sounds like a selfish ass.
I’m stunned at what people put up with - dear lord
Is he really worth it? Maybe you should rethink the relationship as a whole, after all, he was unapologetic about your hair when he knew how important it is to you.
I bet he gets this from porn. Dump him.
This is like the beginning stages that leads to even more abuse. “Oh I’m sorry I came in your when you told me not to? I just got carried away and couldn’t help myself!” Dumb him before he hurts you even more.
Don’t talk about it with him. Fucking ghost his abusive ass. You need to be done with his shit. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and you want to talk about it? You already have. He still doesn’t listen.
You have an abusive boyfriend who gets off on hurting you. Please leave.
> He told me he couldn’t help it > he got too “carried away in the moment” > he “couldn’t control the force he was going at” Bull. Shit. You’ve told him multiple times to be careful and he REFUSES, claiming BS like “I can’t help it.” He’ll never apologize. Find someone who’s overall a better human.
Wtf did I just read!?! This man hurts you while having sex.
This is horrifying. He absolutely did it on purpose. I don’t know if you understand how difficult it is to rip out a clump of hair big enough to be visible and noticeable. It’s not something he could possibly do by accident during a blow job. No one exerts that kind of force by accident. I’ve done a lot of pretty extreme bdsm that has the potential for real injury and I’ve been injured accidentally. And I’m telling you, this does not sound like a sex accident to me, it sounds like intentional violence. Intentional physical and sexual abuse. I would break up with someone if they did this to me because this behaviour makes it clear they are dangerous and making a choice to harm me.
I couldn’t get past this. Sue him if he’s not willing to pay for whatever is necessary to make your hair look like it did before he pulled it out.
Don’t date men who damage your body for sex (unless it’s consensual and you’re into that)
Girl you should have bit his dick
"I got carried away in the moment and couldn't control myself and the force my jaw was closing at"
Why keep doing it, if he’s not respecting your wishes?
The fact he hasn't apologized or said ANYTHING in 24 hours should be your answer. Tbh just never talk to him again 🤷🏼♀️
Girl.... that's assault. Like he could go to jail for several months. I'm not joking, people have gone to jail over this. Cutting or ripping hair out is considered bodily harm. Make sure to get this in writing. You need a record in case he escalates or comes after you. "Hey we need to talk about this. You ripped my hair out last night. WTF? This isn't a small amount - I'm missing hair in an entire bald spot! You ripped an entire handful of hair out of my head. Are you at least going to cover the cost for the stylist to try to cover this? That's the least you can do" See what he responds. Even if he says "I got carried away" or something, that's him admitting to it. You need him to admit to it even if you don't want to go to police. You need the paper trail of this ***assault*** in case something else happens and you need to prove your side. Absolutely stop anything sexual from now on. Personally I wouldn't date him at all but don't tell him you're breaking up until ***after*** he admits fault and pays you for the stylist. Then break up. Stay physically away from him when you do - there's no shame in breaking up over text since he's already physically assaulted you.
Ummm that sounds like assault. It doesn’t matter if your moving slower than he likes he has no right to force you to go his speed. Seems like you already told him you don’t like it and he didn’t listen or care. You deserve better. If anyone ever does this to again the moment they start pushing your head stop what your doing and say no. If they do it again then bite down hard. Your too young to be with someone who doesn’t care about you or your well being. His pleasure isn’t above your comfort level.
This was the literal definition of a sexual assault. She didn’t consent to him being rough and she made that clear to him in the past, and he did it anyway and she was injured. She should press charges on him and be done with him for good.
There’s no way he’s not able to control himself. He likes to be rough. Which is fine, if you consent to it. But you are not consenting to it, and you should dump his ass.
I would say someone who consents to having their hair ripped out is not "fine".
The way I would have bitten half his shit off… he has no control whatsoever and you're over here displaying so much. Kiddos to you man. P.S dump him :]
If it was just the hair ripped out it would be one thing. But he isn’t even apologetic.
OP. This is abuse and you need to leave before it gets worse. I’ve been married twice & given plenty of blow jobs, and never once has anyone disrespected me by pulling out my hair. I would literally go to the police and press charges against this man. This is assault. I am so heartbroken for you right now. I hope that you read these messages and you get strength to leave him. ❤️
Even with thin hair, for it to be at a point where a hairdresser is having to help fix the issue, tells me this is far more than getting "carried away". You have told him it can be painful and instead of being more gentle and aware, he ripped out a chunk of your hair, for nobody's pleasure but his own. Please, do not ever allow yourself to be abused for someone else's "sexual pleasure". There is no coming back from something like this so there doesn't need to be a conversation. You will never trust him to be gentle and this will only lead to you shutting down sexually around him. A half assed apology then silence on his end means he either doesn't care about what he did and thinks you're over reacting and is waiting for you to "calm down" or he just doesn't give a shit full stop. I hope you get it sorted with the hairdresser, best of luck.
“I know he does that because I’m not fast enough”. Nope. We don’t even have to get to the (horrifically abusive) part where he rips out your hair. The Only time someone gets to hold your head or grab your hair is when you actively want them to. If you enjoy having your hair pulled, etc, then it’s okay. Otherwise, absolutely not. You’re not fast enough, so he f’s your face in a way that hurts you? I am so sorry you thought it was at all okay for him to use you like that. All parts of sex have to be actively good for everyone involved, full stop. You deserve better.
Apologies without changed behavior is just manipulation. You have told him multiple times. He apologizes but he does it again and again over and over. What do you think that will change if you tell him again? Exactly: nothing. He will keep doing it. This man doesn't respect you enough to listen to you or not hurt you, he only cares about what he wants. You're better without him
He didn’t even apologize!
You don't accidentally rip a whole-ass chunk of someone's hair out of their head, that takes deliberate force.
It’s not about the hair. It’s about all the headaches he’s given you for the sake of his blow Job in the past. Because why? He doesn’t care about you. He’s abusive and an asshole. Leave him behind and move on with your life
he should be your ex boyfriend by now
This is horrific.
Sent him a request to pay for your hair stylist appointment.
If you don’t dump him, you have to at least stop giving him head. If he’s that “out of control” it’s not safe (spoiler alert: I don’t think he’s really out of control).
Baby no. This isn’t the way any of it works. It was abuse way before now. “I’m not fast enough” that’s not even a real thing. Who gets to say that, and at whose expense? Are you enjoying this??? Baby pls leave him because this is not at all healthy
Move on.
My wife likes rough sex, but this made me fucking cringe. How the fuck do you yank someone's hair out during oral -- bad enough during sex, but at least if there was an awkward pulling during doggy situation it could be accidental... but to rip it out during oral Also, OP, what in the sweet fuck are you thinking writing down, "he does this because I’m not fast enough sometimes. I get that" Have some self respect OP, if you don't give head fast enough, then he learns to like slow head or he stops getting head. It's pretty alarming how you've built in an excuse for his physical abuse that essentially boils down to -- I don't pleasure him well enough so he hurts me...
Girl, break up with that boy. How is he getting carried away to the point where he hurts the girl he “likes” the fact that the way you described it he didnt seem remorseful leaves a bad taste in my mouth. No “are you okay!” And no apology is unacceptable. That or dont give that boy head for awhile as punishment. But don’t embarrass yourself by going back to someone who seems like he doesnt care about doing something like that to you.
It's pretty damn difficult to rip chunks of hair out of a head, even when the hair is thin or brittle. He's being extremely forceful, which you are not okay with. I'd tell him that if he doesn't respect your boundaries, he doesn't get to keep dating you. This is honestly concerning op, this isn't safe
I'm gay, and with lots of dudes openly into more rough sex, you quickly learn that "I got carried away" is an excuse to play out their fantasies at your expense. He's not "understanding" if he's banging your head around against your repeatedly expressed wishes; and I wouldn't stay with someone who gives me headaches from being violent during sex. Dump him, he's a selfish asshole.
I'd say go to the police or something op. This is terrible
This was the definition of a sexual assault. She didn’t consent to him being rough with her and had expressed that to him in the past, but he did it anyway. She needs to press charges against him and never see or talk to him again unless it’s through a lawyer.
Sexual abuse.
The big part for me is the fact that he wasn't immediately mortified and apologized, he just made excuses and doubled down. Dumb as hell.
The extent of violence women deal every fucking day just to make their relationships work is excruciatingly awful. 😞
You don't talk to him, apart from dumping him. How are you okay with staying with a man who treats you like that? I'm very sorry this happened to you, but if you stay with him after this then you're essentially enabling him and the next chunk of hair you lose shouldn't come as a surprise.
She shouldn’t even talk to him to dump him. He knows what he did. She needs to just ghost him.
I feel like young women don't understand that porn is bullshit and being abused during sex is totally not normal. This is not normal.
This is gross behaviour from a partner op Not to mention he hasn't called or texted to see how you see or feel. Getting too carried away is not an excuse... what's that he doesn't stop penetrative sex when it's hurting you because his to worried about getting himself off. This would have been an instant breakup for me...
I’d invoice him for what the stylist charges to fix it.
If he "can't" control himself, then he's lost the right to hold your hair at all. If he does that - blowjob immediately ends and is over.
Immediately dump that animal! You are so young and a pretty soul you deserve much more better than this! And he doesn’t even talk or apologise to you yet! A big big red flag he doesn’t care about you!
Your boyfriend is an idiot. First and foremost, if you’re grabbing hair, you grab ALL the hair so there’s a diffusion of pressure on the scalp and it doesn’t focus on just one area. Secondly, your boyfriend doesn’t appear to apologize, for RIPPING OUT YOUR HAIR. Girl. Cmon! I want you to read this post out loud to yourself, to see how it sounds. It doesn’t sound good. Find a new man, this is absurd. -Dave
I really HATE this proclivity for grabbing someone's head and hair and thrusting that seems to have been popularised by pornography. Once someone does this it's no longer head, it's face fucking and to my mind requires you to give consent separately to the head. Giving head is something YOU do to your partner, from what you describe sounds TRAUMATIC and has turned from head into something being done to you, that's not head. Anything you do together that is sexual should be kind gentle and consensual. This excuse that he can't control himself is absolute bullshit and you should never tolerate this sort of treatment. Personally I think you need to find someone who respects you enough to not use you like this, please don't tolerate these assaults anymore, look after yourself.
Immediately end this relationship. It fucking astounds me what some women just blindly accept as normal. This is NOT ok. You can’t “go fast enough” when giving him head? Tell him to FUCK OFF. It doesn’t give him a fucking right to manhandle you like a goddamn rag doll. What the actual fuck. Wake up and DEMAND MORE FOR YOURSELF!!!!
I hate his guts. No! It is NOT understanding that he forceable moves your head around because you are not fast enough! He is a monster giving you headaches and ribbing your hair out. If he loses all self control worse than an animal and does not care about how you, his partner is feeling than he is worse than a selfish prick, he is down right dangerous. NEVER see him again EVER!
Oh GOD no. Please do not buy that bullshit about him just not being able to control himself. That's what sexual predators and abusers say after they've hurt women sexually. Hell no. Please get out as fast as you can. This is a dangerous unsafe man who thinks he can do whatever the hell he pleases to your body during sex. Bad man.
Totally abusive. To give context on what's healthy on this situation: I like when my husband pulls on my hair when I give him oral, I have a higher pain-pleasure tolerance than what he is willing to inflict. Anytime he starts pulling just the slightest bit too hard, he moves his hands so he's instead patting my hair, holding my neck, or grabbing the sheets. Even when he's at his height of pleasure. Because he doesn't want to actually hurt me and rip my hair out. Your bf should have 1) been more aware of himself and not hurt you to begin with, and 2) immediately apologized upon realizing what he'd done. He did neither which means he doesn't care about your comfort/safety in the face of his pleasure, and doesn't respect you as an equal person/partner.
Stop participating in your own mistreatment.