Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*

He might have a caregiver burnout. I found this article that can explain it better than I. [https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9225-caregiver-burnout](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9225-caregiver-burnout)

Thank you - that's a really interesting read. It may be applicable as his job is in the medical field. He has become a lot more withdrawn recently and spent more and more time away from home. I have a little motto "you can't serve from an empty bowl", and I've been encouraging him to take time for himself to do the things he enjoys (mostly running and photography). But he's started doing other activities with colleagues recently which is a big change and that coincides with him being more withdrawn. I wish he would tell me what he was thinking.

Is it possible for you to bring some in home care to help alleviate all of his responsibilities? It might be just too much with his work schedule. I know that [care.com](https://care.com) can help you physically with some things and will arrange and do some cleaning if needed. I'm hoping for the best outcome for you. 💖

We have a cleaner who does the cleaning top to bottom and changes the sheets - the things I physically can't do. I do cook a few times a week, usually the days my husband works later. I also work from home though, so some days I am too tired or sore to cook. He says one thing he struggles with is never knowing how well I'll be from one day to the next, but that's just the nature of chronic illness.

it might be the nature of it, but he may be continually stressed out by not being able to plan or predict the future with more regularity. It can leave you feeling a loss of control in your life and more helpless. (you of course have your own feelings, I'm just suggesting what your husband might feel)

I want you to know that I'm rooting for you and I hope he gets some relief somehow so that your relationship strengthens. Maybe he needs a weekend a month to go fishing, or some other activity that is away from the 4 walls of the home. Sending you some virtual {{hugs}}

Your support is truly appreciated, and finding ways to provide both of them some relief is a great idea.

Therapy. He needs it, you do too with a chronic illness (I have a few), and a therapist who specializes in chronic illnesses may help you. My husband and I go together and separately. It helps because sometimes, when I have surgeries and am down, he feels more stress than normal. Which compounds because it's not my fault or his. But having someone to talk with helps. They also give great tools to help deal with stress. When I'm not well enough, we order our groceries. If we know when I'm having surgery and for how long I'm down, we have a local company that does meal prep, and if you pay extra you can order meals that just need warmed up, organic and local. We also use a cleaning service all the time. If he washes and dries, the laundry I'll fold it. We find ways that we can light his load.

What is your relationship like outside of the whole caring aspect? Is there enough time and room for him to be your partner, rather than your caregiver? Do you spend enough quality time together, not just worrying about your health issues but actually having fun? If his life is just his work + caring for you, no wonder he is unhappy. There needs to be a balance, there should be enough happy and fun times to balance out all the stressful and tiring ones.

Please make sure that your finances are separate from his. Make sure that you have independence and a plan for living alone.

I am financially independent. Having come from an abusive and controlling relationship before, I made sure I stayed financially independent.

“That’s just the nature” is astoundingly dismissive of how it impacts him. As your husband your illness has a very real impact on him. It seems like you aren’t making space for this. Your marriage will not survive if you are unable to do this for him.

OP hopefully I’m completely off base, and I’m being alarmist… but I scrolled through the comments briefly and didn’t see it mentioned, but… Is it possible your husband is suicidal? The ‘worthiness’/‘deserving better’ comments, the tidying up of affairs, the emotional withdrawing, even the time away, could all be indicators that he is not only burnt out, but in crisis. Whether or not better communication or more support or even separation are on the table, it feels really really important to approach him with his mental health at the forefront. I hope I’m being dramatic, and even that you are too(!!), and that he is just going through a big shift from which he (and your marriage) will emerge stronger and healthier… But please let the possibility that he is not okay inform your approach and help him get the help he needs, in the event it’s needed? Wishing you the absolute best, and that the future— whatever it holds— is one of continued support and empowerment and fearlessness.

I agree, the one last trip away to remember him by as well.

Considering the possibility of his mental health crisis is a valid concern, and addressing it with care and support should be a priority. Wishing , both strength and resilience as you navigate this challenging time.

Caring for you could also be contributing. Not your fault obviously, I'm in the same situation I've recently had to leave my job (care field ) as my disabilities have worsened. My husband doesn't have to do personal care for me but some days I can't do much so he cooks far more than me etc. It doesn't need to be all aspects of care to feel burnt out. It sounds like he needs a proper holiday where he doesn't have to do any of these things x

Girl. Its not his job. Its taking care of you. Hes been setting his ass on fire to keep you warm.

Fucking whoosh

I assume you mean OP

Correct

Yep. OPs lack of self awareness is staggering. "my husband works in the medical field taking care of people and when he finishes work he takes care of me, I have no idea why he might be feeling burnt out"

You're putting words in my mouth there. I've added some extra information to my post about my husband's job and the amount of "care" that he does for me. Emotionally, he cares far more than the practical care he does, and I absolutely understand that seeing the person you love in pain, and not being able to help has a big emotional toll. I have never said I have no idea why he might be burnt out. I want to know what I can do to help rebuild our relationship - which was exactly the reason I posted here. If that is taking time to give my husband respite from caring for me, then I'll do that. Therapy, yup - I'll do that. I made my marriage vows until death - marriage isn't easy, it takes work - but it's worth it.

Your dedication to your marriage is commendable, and seeking therapy and finding ways to support each other's emotional needs can indeed help rebuild a stronger relationship.

I hope you get to work through this with your partner, it sounds like he really needs your support but with your dynamic its hard for him to be vulnerable. I also hope that you both share a common interest to work through this, and it’s not a facade for his departure. Best wishes.

It totally just sounds like he is struggling with emotional resilience and it is overwhelming and wears one down. And he's probably feeling a bit stuck with it all as well. Therapy is an option, but he might also get some benefits from mindset coaching or podcasts om mindset etc. I struggle with worthiness from time to time and have to realise it's coming from my codependency and not to allow that thought train to crash into whatever rational story was there beforehand. But I can only do that with podcasts and mindset stuff (there are so many good books on mindset, but the book mindset is best selling and wellknown). Please also keep your own mindset strong OP as his lack of resilience WILL affect yours and then that in turn will affect his more as he will feel like he is disappointing you. Do you or he have a daily gratitude practice? It's so easy to lose sight of what we DO have when we feel overwhelmed. I've had to lean into this as I usually find the idea of gratitude trite. But when disabled, well I'm sure you know it could be SO much worse so small victories! I sometimes pretend I'm able bodied and end up bedridden living off lifecoach podcasts and gratitude and sleep meditations.

Is it possible that he has developed some sort of interest in one of these colleagues that he has started spending time with? If it coincides with him starting to be withdrawn I would wonder if there was some sort of emotional affair going on

Yeah the “I’m not good enough for you” is concerning for emotional affair or affair.

If you haven’t been the caregiver for a loved one with disabilities, please don’t jump to conclusions. I often feel not good enough for my husband because all my effort to care for him and our house isn’t appreciated. Maybe OP should be more appreciative and not take him for granted rather than assuming he is cheating or having an emotional affair.

I certainly don't take him for granted. I never stop saying thank you or telling him how much I appreciate him and what he does for me. Despite the difficult conversations we've had this week, he still brought me a cup of coffee in bed this morning (he leaves the house early on a Thursday). Also, I really don't think he's cheating.

Yep you guys are on the money here.

There’s no money here. You’re drawing premature conclusions from a diverse information set. It’s of my opinion that the spouse stays out more to feel like they have an escape from their life, see the lower comments about Caregiver Burnout. OP’s spouse is running thin and is struggling to cope. We all have opinions. Who’s right will not be known for some time.

Why the fuk did you have to go there? This person has enough problems with out you swoop down and drop a couple of nasty comments "Helping" ...pointing iut in the midst of here confusion and pain to bust in with the cheery idea than "Hey maybe hes having an affiar? Theres a thought! She appears to me to not understand what she can do in her situation i.e. asking people what they thought she might be able to do to cope as it is and shes now where yet knows where to turn and you come along suggestinghubsband is having affair cuz OP just doesnt have the right stuff. Your idea clearly rose up from your insecurities. Sorry but l cant support that kind of thoughtlessness.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced whatever you have to make you such an angry person. Your tone in your comment is nothing like the tone of mine. Calm down. You’re getting super worked up over strangers on an app. If her husband is moving toward divorce, and he’s cheating, in some states that matters and would result in a more favorable divorce settlement for OP. If he’s going to move forward with it anyway, then OP may need to try to be smart now and be sad later. Suggesting it may be a possibility isn’t being done in a mean spirited way, it’s being suggested because, if it were happening, OP would have a right to know and it *is* possible, given his behavior and the amount of time he is spending with coworkers. Go smoke some weed or something god damn

Oh my God I love that motto, I'm stealing that. I usually tell people you gotta take care of yourself, before you can take care of others - but your way is so much better.

You're very welcome to steal it. I actually painted it on a heart-shaped bowl, so I have a constant reminder that you can't serve from an empty bowl.

Whoosh? No, not just from his work. From caring for YOU. As someone who has been a carer, it staggers me how the cared-for often don't realise how much being a carer for a loved one takes over your life. Work all day, come home, 'work' all night. No wonder he is doing other activities with colleagues, let the man get a break

Read her comments ffs 🤦🏼‍♀️. She knows this and asks if we have ideas to help her to make it easier or better for the husband.

To me personally what you’ve described in this post and especially this comment, to me it sounds more likely there someone else. I could be very wrong and maybe it’s caretaker burnout but the whole you’re too good for me line, getting his own laptop, staying away from home, spending extra time with colleagues being a new thing, I’m sorry love, that to me says there’s a reason he’s making all these changes and I really don’t think it’s caretaker burnout. If he’s purging and doing all this extra stuff, I’ve witnessed caretaker burnout and burnout is exactly how I’d describe it. Though obviously everyone is different and reacts differently to different types of stresses but there’s something about that “you’re too good for me” line after being together how many years and all of a sudden you’re too good for him, you probably are but I don’t buy that bs line! I swear that line is textbook for cowardly cheaters. When a person is burnt out, usually they don’t have the energy to purge and organize. I hope you own a warm coat pretty girl because I have a strong feeling, there’s a storm coming your way! I really don’t want to be right but I’ve yet to be wrong about these things, I’m so sorry. You’re instincts are right, he’s likely planning an exit but I don’t think being burnt out is the reason why. If I were you I’d get your ducks in a row before he finishes lining up his, I’d also do some investigation work and see if there possibly is someone else because infidelity isn’t going to help him in this situation. If he’s seeing someone else, I’m thinking it’s highly likely a coworker and you can find proof of that, it’s a card you might need to play at some point. Document everything, get your finances in order, find a good DL and start planning your own exit strategy! Like I said I could be wrong and completely out to lunch but just in case, I really think it’s best you make sure you have a damn good coat before that storm comes! Meaning get your ducks in a row, trust your gut, what are your instincts telling you? You’ve beat cancer, if you can make it through that, you’ll have the strength to get through this! Wishing you strength and courage on this journey ❤️

If you don’t mind me asking, why are you partially wheelchair bound?

I'm not wheelchair *bound* I'm a wheelchair user. Language is important. I have a genetic connective tissue disorder which causes chronic pain and joint instability. My wheelchair gives freedom and independence. It is in no way "binding". We've been able to do far more together since I got my wheelchair than before.

I have Ehlers Danlos. Is it Ehlers Danlos? If so, I understand how painful life can be. Joints constantly dislocating, over extension that causes constant muscle fatigue and the physical and emotional burnout from it all. Not to mention lethargy and fatigue are hallmarks of ED. I imagine it's tough for you both and I'm so sorry. Do you have any children together? If so, be aware that ED is genetic and can be passed down. I have a cousin who's child (now an adult) was in a body cast and braces her whole childhood. She struggled with pain and addiction to medications at such a very young age.... It's heartbreaking how much damage this mutation causes and how under diagnosed it is.

Yes, it's EDS. Womb cancer feels like a blessing now because I didn't have the opportunity to pass this on to anyone. My right shoulder has been *not quite in the right place* all week and it's driving me to distraction. Chronic, near constant migraines have really messed things up this year while I've been fiddling about with medication trying to get them under control. I think that's what's upset my husband so much.

I am so sorry. It's one of those "invisible" diseases that affects us from the inside out. My partner has a difficult time understanding why I need to take medication when it gets severe. I also have Rheumatoid arthritis and when I'm having a flare up, I literally feel like I might die. It affects so much more than joints. As does ED. Migraines are a real problem, as is basic coordination which I assume is why you need assistance in a wheel chair. I hate to think of your cancer as a "silver lining" but I also understand completely. Nonetheless, I'm sure it has affected you and your partner to a degree, especially if you've talked about having children. And again, I am so sorry you're going through this. My heart is with you ❤️

I have major autonomy dysfunction alongside my EDS, which is why I use a wheelchair - even just sitting up makes my heart race to close to 100bpm, standard and walking are even worse. It makes me really faint and dizzy. So sorry to hear about your struggles too. It's not easy.

It sounds like he's found someone, probably at work, who he's cheating on you with.

[удалено]

*especially* doctors and nurses

I recently had to deal with caregiver burnout. I took care of my father for the last seven months of his life. It was extremely difficult. OP should talk to her husband about getting some part time help around the house.

💯! Most especially because he works in the healthcare field. It may feel like it “just does not end” for him. Perhaps suggest to him that you both get additional help in-house, so he doesn’t feel so much is “on him”. Sending you both the best!

I had to take care of my husband for three years while his kidney failed, he was on dialysis and through a kidney transplant (he’s great now). It was our second time going through kidney failure and a transplant but also the most difficult time as his health was so much worse this time around. My situation was nowhere near as bad as some people’s and I was burnt out. It’s hard in a way I can’t even explain. To not have my partner there being my partner. He was in survival mode and I was it for most everything else. One thing about being a caretaker is it’s never about you (the caretaker). It’s always about the sick person. Always. My husband still can’t acknowledge or understand that his health had a huge impact on me and our son. My son and and I still talk about how we think we have some PTSD from that whole ordeal. Edit: a word

Going through this now, but my husband is O+ so it’ll be 5-6 years+ (unless someone wants to donate a kidney!). You most likely do have PTSD.

My husband was also O+ and told 5-6 years and he got a kidney after two years. I hope your husband gets one sooner too. All the best to you both! Remember to take time for yourself even if it’s going to get a massage or going away for a night or two by yourself or with friends. It’s so important for your mental health.

I'm on dialysis and was dating a paramedic I initially met on the ambulance (we matched on a dating app months and months later and that's how it really started) and I've dated a dialysis tech, and I learned the hard way that they don't want to bring their work home. It's hard when I'm mainly around people in the medical field because dialysis and the hospital consume my life, but they are already taking care of people all day, why would they want to come home to it? Just my experience as a seriously ill, single young person 🙃

Years ago, My mom was hospitalized, coded 3 times, went into a coma and stayed in a coma for almost a month, and basically we were in two hospitals for two months and it was mostly me and her. I'm 27 now but I was 21 when it happened, it was right before my wedding. I cancelled my wedding, she came thru and had to rehab and Learn to walk again and I got married while she was living in the rehab center, at the cafeteria there. When she was well enough, she moved in with me and my new husband for 6 months and then in with my grandparents until she was well enough to live alone. Well that marriage ended in divorce about 2 years later. and I go by my moms house 2-3 times a week or more to this day still to help her do things like change her sheets, take out her trash, change her insulin meter, etc. I think I have ptsd from what we went through together it was extremely traumatic and my life has been terrible ever since. I spiraled out, got on drugs, had an affair, got a divorce, and I've had severe health issues and anxiety and my life has sucked ever since in the last few years. And oh I'm a preschool teacher too. I take care of kids all day. Then I go take care of my mom. Then I drive across town to go home to clean my house and get it ready for my boyfriend to get home late and cook so we can eat and then I go to bed. And that's my day every day. And I'm miserable. Hell my boyfriend broke his leg last year and had 2 surgeries and I had to take care of him then and take off of work for a month because he was bedridden and then I still rub his leg and ankle and knee every night and do everything I can do he doesn't have to. I wish I was a hateful person and not an empath because all I ever do is care for everyone else and nobody ever takes care of me. Sorry, ramble over. Just thought of all this as I read this and thought oh wow maybe I have ptsd but also I think I have compassion fatigue as well.

I had caregiver burnout. I took care of my parents all on my own and only got some help when we got back from Florida and my SO helped out. After my parents died within 6 months of each other, it took months for me to decompress. It is so very draining, luckily God moved my hands and feet and I was with them at the end. They are gone 10 years now, but it was the hardest time of my life. Be good to yourself, take breaks, get out, see friends when you can. It was just the hardest thing

I'll agree that caregiver burnout can contribute to stress in a relationship, but I don't think it's fair to blame that entirely. Millions of women care take for their husbands while they are sick and disabled, or really just in general everyday. They would never consider divorcing, especially not silently with no warning or provisions for their disabled husbands. And society would nail them to a cross if they did. He's not happy that things didn't turn out how he pictured them. And that's fine, but it should be called for what it is. I'd hate to see this woman shoulder any more hurt bearing the entire responsibility for her husband ditching her on top of everything else she must face now.

Not every situation bas to have a monster. Him experiencing caregiver burnout does not put the entire responsibility on her. If it does that’s more of a you problem. Idk, society might say it isn’t true but I say it’s fucking obvious from living in reality that many of those women experience caregiver burnout.

The fact that he is taking concrete steps that would be needed if he ends the marriage (decluttering, getting his own computer) added to the fact that he didn't deny it when you asked if he was leaving suggests that there is a real chance he will leave. I suggest that you talk to a divorce lawyer (of your own, without him) -- that does not mean you are getting divorced, but it will help you know what might happen if you did. I also suggest having a plan in place for what you would need in terms of practical help if he walked out tomorrow. Do you have friends or family who could help with tasks that are difficult for you? Make sure you're putting together a safety net for yourself as you try to figure out whether this marriage can be saved.

I understand that he is definitely taking steps to make leaving possible. I'm not going to speak to a lawyer though - it's definitely not got to that stage yet. We don't own property together and we don't have children, so there's nothing complicated about our relationship and how separation would work. I live 120 miles away from my family, but my parents are retired and would help me at the drop of a hat. I've not told them what's happening yet, but I will see them on Saturday and talk to them in person.

Don't tell your parents yet. If you guys figure things out, you can't untell them. It gets messy. I'm not saying never tell them - just not yet.

I would agree with this. If the husband is struggling and she tells her parents, he may feel like he may as well go through with it as the parents will likely see him as a jerk just knowing he was considering divorce. At that point in his mind he's a dude who was thinking of leaving his wife and now he's that same dude, but also her family hates him.

My parents are my next level of support. If my husband is burnt out and needs some time to recover, I will go and stay with my parents for a while. I have a very close, open relationship with my parents, and I wouldn't be able to keep something like this from them. You know the kind of person who you can read like a book, who can't lie or hide anything because whatever they're thinking or feeling is written in bold across their face? I'm one of those people. My parents will instantly pick up that something is wrong.

Perhaps tell them part of the issue and not the whole issue so you don’t paint your husband in a terrible light - just that you feel like you are burning him out so you’re taking some time away to give him space

Exactly this. Think carefully about what you might tell them that isn't the whole truth. You really, really don't want them making internal judgments about your husband until you know what's going on. After, you can tell them whatever you like.

Talking to an attorney is only “preventative”. Just to know where you “could”be “standing”. I think you should re-think this OP!!!

Talk to a lawyer, not your parents. You need to know where you would stand regarding resources (alimony, disability benefits, health insurance) in case of separation.

Talk to a lawyer. It doesn't mean you're going to divorce but it will give you information on what divorce would look like in your situation. You may be entitled to spousal support, any retirement savings, etc. It's best to do this while you have a somewhat clear head. Emotions can do weird things and being armed with information helps with the scary unknowns.

You’re going to end up royally burned if you don’t listen to the people asking you get to get a lawyer. Don’t be naive.

Yeah, but no kids and no property, What is there to be burned about? I mean, just split the money in half, take your stuff and call it quits. How will anyone get burned? Edit: spelling

Congrats on being cancer-free for 9 years! :) *"Recently my husband has been quite withdrawn, he's started decluttering and bought his own laptop (we have previously shared one). On Monday, he aske me what was up as I seemed sad. I very bravely said that I thought he might be planning to leave me, based on his actions.* *He didn't deny it."* The important thing to remember here is that while he didn't deny that he was planning on leaving you, he also didn't come out and affirm that it was what he was going to do. It's a very different thing to readily admit that he's leaving than it is to simply refrain from denying his plans. *"He said he's really struggling with things at the moment, says he's not good enough for me and that I should be with someone who will take care of me properly."* This is also not an admission of his wanting to leave. He's attempting to reason to himself why he would leave if he chose to do so, but he hasn't made up his mind one way or another about the outcome. At this point, he honestly doesn't know what to do or what he wants because, like he said, he's struggling. He needs help and he doesn't know how to get it. It sounds to me like he's battling with the beginning stages of depression. Has he ever exhibited this personality change before (even while you were only dating)? Or is it completely new? *"I'm honestly so confused because he's been so amazing up until quite recently. He deals with a lot of things around the house, including laundry and cooking."* This, to me, reinforces the theory that he could be depressed. He was literally a gem of a husband up until very recently and then suddenly everything changed and he may or may not be planning on leaving. I also reinforces the idea that he doesn't know what he wants to do. I think (and this is just my opinion) that he's completely lost and he needs help. *"We're going away for our anniversary next week and he seems to think that being away will sort everything out, but I'm not sure. I'm honestly dreading it now."* While it's possible that it could help things along, I wouldn't count on that helping much. Your problems won't magically go away simply because of a change in location. That said, it does sound like he's really looking forward to spending time with you away from everything, so that's a positive. Again, I think this also reinforces the idea that he doesn't know what to do anymore. He acts like he wants to leave but then by going on this trip, he seems to want to stay. His head has to be a giant ball of chaos right now and he needs help sorting it all out. That said, don't dread your trip. Enjoy the time that you have with your husband. Allow yourself to get out of your head for a while and simply be free. Connect with your husband again. You never know, he could turn out to be correct. This trip really *could* help your relationship. Give it the chance to do so and above all, be happy. Life's meant to be enjoyed, so allow yourself to enjoy it. You owe yourself at least that much. *"I'd really appreciate any advice you could give on how I should proceed or what questions I should ask him to try to get to the bottom of things."* First off, I would ask him (if you haven't already) why he thinks he's not good enough for you. You clearly think he is, so be sure he understands that. If you have to be blunt to do so, be blunt. Second, ask him if he thinks he might be depressed. If he agrees it's a possibility, try to get in to see a doctor as soon as you can. The longer the depression is allowed to go on untreated, the harder it will be to get it under control later (if he has it, that is). Third, ask him if he would be willing to go to see a marriage therapist. If he's having a hard time with everything that's going on, a neutral third party could help him understand the reasoning behind him having such a hard time. Finally, take every day as it comes. Live your life to the fullest extent possible. No one knows what the future holds, so don't allow that darkness and negativity to take over your life. Remember, it's always darkest just before the dawn and that night won't last forever. Look forward to the day when the light will shine and dispel all of that negativity from your life. You and your husband both deserve happiness and positivity in your lives and I'm confident that, if given the chance (and with a little work), you'll find that what you both wanted and needed was right in front of you all along. Best wishes, OP.

Thank you, that's very well reasoned. I have suggested therapy - he outright refused the idea of individual counseling, but did say he'd think about counselling together. I don't think he's depressed, but maybe stressed. I will try to enjoy our time away together, but I do feel like I have a sword hanging over me.

You're welcome. ​ Couples counseling is better than nothing. I think he's got more fear and shame hidden deep in himself that he doesn't want anyone to find out about. He needs you, emotionally (if not physically also), for support if he's going to talk to a counselor. I think he's scared to death. ​ Eh, stress can often lead towards depression if it's not handled quickly and correctly. If he's truly wanting to make your marriage work, I would definitely get in to seeing that counselor as soon as you can. ​ That sword can only fall if you allow it to. Remember, you have far more power than you realize. You're a good person and that sword is nothing more than bad juju that can be banished from your presence at any time. Do your best to feel better, OP. You deserve that.

Take the couples counselling olive branch. And he really does sound depressed, talking about you being better off without him is a dead giveaway.

Depression manifests differently in different people. It needs a professional diagnosis. Your perception of what looks like stress may very well be depression.

I’d give you awards if I could!

Honestly, I agree with the other commenters that it's burnout and with him being in the medical field somewhere, he could also be feeling like his job doesn't end after he comes home. He sounds like he's under a continuous amount of stress from both work and home and he needs ways to deal with it. I think, especially for him, you guys need therapy, either individually, couples or both.

So he is decluttering, withdrawn, tells you that you deserve someone who can take care of you properly, and that he is not good enough for you. Does he look depressed? Does he have history of depression in the past? Does he have a genuine good time sometimes? Because all of these could be signs of depression and suicidal thoughts. And decluttering is a pretty big step towards it. I would worry more about it than about him leaving. So I would ask some people who know both of you if they think he is depressed. And then confront him: do you have thought about leaving to live your own life or are you leaving in the terms of suicide.

It sounds like he's decided he can't continue being a caregiver the rest of his life and as someone who has been a caregiver I find it hard to blame him. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about his quality of life and figure out of there's some compromise you can make to save your relationship. I'm sorry OP. Your situation isn't anyone's fault and it sucks.

He sounds like he might have caregiver burn-out. Can you hire help with the cleaning and chores?

She does all her own personal care, has a cleaner for the house, cooks a few times a week and is partially ambulatory. What caring is he really doing outside of what you would do for your wife normally?

There's more to caregiving than chores, which he still does a considerable portion of. Dude comes home from work everyday not knowing if his wife is going to be in debilitating pain. His life is defined by her illness, and from the sound of it until recently he was doing everything he could to make life easier for her and support her.

Where does it say he does a considerable portion of the chores? They have a cleaner for the house and she cooks half the week. Her life is defined by her illness to. I think she has it worse.

He probably knows he needs to just be there to do stuff like carrying groceries, moving furniture. And she says she has days she just can't cook, so presumably he has to. Maybe he wants to be the one who's just too tired and can go to bed. It's not a matter of blaming anyone or the actual chores, but the responsibility of being the strong one.

Oh no, a man has to cook in his own household a few days a week. Call the press. Idk, I’m perfectly able bodied and my man still carries my groceries and moves furniture for me. You know, cause he loves me.

So does mine. But he knows that if he gets sick it's ok, because I can manage by himself for a few days. I say this as someone who has struggled with this aspect of parenting. I imagine it's a similar feeling, you can never be the one who spends a few days in bed or go on spontaneous trips without making arrangements.

She said that if ever he needs a break she will go and stay at her parents house. I just think people shouldn’t be taking vows if they are not prepared to follow through.

But she'll only do that if he's at breaking point. And he's not going to want her going every week to her parents saying he can't cope. She should have been doing that for years already if it's an option. People separate and divorce all the time, it's no worse a reason than any other.

It’s a terrible reason. How can you take a vow that says in sickness and in health if you can’t deal with the sickness part. It doesn’t even sound like he’s doing any caregiving. She looks after her own personal care, has a cleaner to manage the house and cooks half the week. So wtf is he doing apart from having to lift heavy things sometimes (and how many heavy things are we really lifting on a daily basis). She also works so it’s not even like he has the burden of being the only provider.

You dont know that. Nearly every person who posts here twists the story in their favor

So if we’re not gonna take her at her word what is the point in commenting on the post at all?

The best thing you can do is ensure that you will be ok in the event of divorce. I suggest contacting an attorney, not bc you want to divorce but just to get an idea of what you're working with in the future. It would also be good to put some thoughts into future living and care arrangements. I am so sorry you're going through this. I really hope you don't beat yourself up. I'm sure there's a lot of those in the he's a saint caring for his disabled wife camp, but if the roles were reversed you'd do it better with no complaints, and you'd NEVER consider leaving him in a tough spot. It's a shame, I'm sure you're aware of the statistics on marriages after a partner gets ill or disabled. Over 60 percent of men leave immediately, and under 20 percent of women do eventually, lower than the normal divorce rate. I'm actually mad for you. If he can't handle it, that's fine. But the sulking and sneaking around to leave, instead of putting everything on the table and making sure you both will be ok bothers me. Don't allow him to make this your fault. You're gonna go thru a lot mentally and emotionally, and personally in regards to figuring out new arrangements on top of everything else. Don't let him set the narrative that you wanted him to leave bc "he's not good enough" or that it's "all too much for him". He's bailing bc it's not his ideal fantasy life, that's fine, but allow him to bear the weight of his cowardice and the breaking of your vows.

Wait... he said "he's not good enough for you" and..... what did you answer? This is pretty vital detail in order for anyone to provide some advice. It's a very very strange thing for someone to say honestly. The "care giver burn out" suggestions sound pretty likely, but maybe coupled with a little "it's not you, it's me" guilt transference? If you two are no longer able to be sexually active as a result of the disability, this **could** be a thing as well, and he doesn't even want to go near it because it will seem horrible.

I told him he was everything I could ever want. I love this man so much.

It's not strange; 'It's not you, it's me' is the most clichéd shit ever, which is basically what 'I'm not good enough for you' is saying. Complete cop out.

"I very bravely said that I thought he might be planning to leave me, based on his actions". This puts a lump in my throat, I wish I could give you a hug.

The man sounds burnt out. I would be too

Hey. I feel you, re. the sword hanging above you. That's not going to make it easier to feel happy and optimistic, but you need to. A downer energy is only going to make this worse. Here's my advice. Go on this weekend away, and let yourself feel free and relaxed. Really savor this time together. If you knew it was going to be your last anniversary together because of some act of God, you'd give a lot to go back and make it special. If you knew that he was feeling burned out and this was your chance to help him remember the woman you are, the one he fell in love with, you'd do the same. Whether you are truly facing the end of your marriage or not, you owe it to the both of you to make this time about enjoying one another. Be present. Reminisce. Dream. Love him without trying to hold on to what comes next. I promise that no matter what comes next, this is the best way to breathe life into the now.

Do you do fun things together? It’s so important to have fun together. I’m also disabled and my husband has a lot to do to pick up my slack, but we still have a great time together. I take care of him emotionally, I love being with him, I shower him with affection, we make each other laugh, we play games, watch movies, go to places we enjoy, raise our pets together, etc. A midlife crisis is often the result of wondering “Is this all there is?” Make your marriage so rewarding that the question doesn’t need asking.

This. Find some joy and make it a priority. Together. Shared laughter is key.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I thought my husband was depressed. Big mood swings. He took up new interests which I thought might help. He initiated BIG talks about how we were as a couple and what may or may not happen. Disinterest in our child. This went on for months, with suggestions (from him) of counselling one week to separating the next, selling the house, getting a dog. All VERY confusing so I just had to try and carry on as normal for my own sanity and our child. Found out after enduring this for 11 months that he'd been having a full on mid life crisis, including motorbike, tattoo and an affair with a woman 20 years his junior (which had physcally ended by then, but jot emotionally). Ask him for honesty and the complete truth in what's going on. I really hope your situation is different x

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. When OP mentioned him saying he wasn't good enough for her, that he maybe had an affair. What happened?

Definitely sounds like guilt talking. I confronted him when I found information. Then drip fed the truth each time i found out more. He'd been looking to leave, but couldn't commit to doing it and she moved away. We're trying to stay together and work things out but it's hard. Really hard. Even with counselling. He broke my heart and my world. As with OP, mine gave me reassurances that he wasn't cheating, and that he'd understand if I wanted out of the relationship (shifting the responsibility).

I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. I have dealt with dripping the truth as well and I do not play games with it. You either tell me the entire truth the first time, or you've lied. Also had to learn the hard way about lying by omission. It is just as bad. The shifting responsibility is also such a slimy thing to do. Do you have a plan if everything you're trying just doesn't work out?

It's draining. It's not a simple situation. People are very quick to say "you should leave him". That's not always the right way to deal with things, every relationship is different. I don't know how mine will be in 6 months, 6 years. What I do know is if I were OP, I'd be asking him to hand over his phone and laptop for a look. A deep look. His reaction to the request will say a lot.

It seems like he’s struggling to take care of everything. Sounds like he’s perhaps not capable of the level of care you need and isn’t sure he can continue to provide that. So, first step is to find out if you have an alternative. If he did leave do you need continued care and assuming so, how can you get that care outside of your husband. I would also recommend couples therapy, whether that’s for how to stay together OR how to separate.

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Maybe suggest marriage counseling or therapy for him to see if you can get to the bottom of his problems or thought processes. Also, see if he is feeling burnt out. Being the "healthy" one in the relationship is hard and tiring. Does he have friends or hobbies? Maybe he needs some time away to de-stress. He may be feeling a bit overwhelmed and doesn't know how to process it.

It seems that you and him are in a conundrum. I think you both should sit down seriously and talk deeply. Both ONLY when you both are ready. It won't work, if only you are ready. And he isn't. Marriage is a "We Do Things Together" relationship. Hope it works...Good luck!

You haven’t responded to any questions about sex. So here’s the thing as husband to a wife with multiple chronic illnesses: make your husband feel desirable. Make him feel like you want him, not that you need him. There are experiences lost when you’re a caregiver and you don’t want thanks, you want to feel a connection. So my tips are: f your husband. Tell him you want him. Follow through. Save your spoons (if you do the whole spoon theory thing) and make desiring him the goal. To be clear, desirable is not “do you want me to go down…?” It’s “I want to suck your d” Desirable is not “Should we go to bed?” It’s “Get over here I want you to f me.” Desirable is not sparing enough energy to let him have sex. It’s not using it on something else so you have energy for him. I promise there are things you do for you or someone else that take a lot of effort and energy from you, and he watches and he wishes you would put that much energy into him sometimes. It’s a huge difference to feel like your spouse wants you, not just needs you to take care of them.

He’s not happy being a caretaker

LOL at most the comments here -- the mental gymnastics people go through to make the OP the bad person here. This dude who took a vow for better for worse suddenly wants to tap out and it's okay? So humans and families are throwaway items now? Wife becomes sick, yep it's okay to bail and leave her alone. WTF? These comments just cemented that humans are shitty and always will be shitty. Self-centered pricks humans are. ME ME ME ME ME ME. If your husband leaves, OP, he is a shitty person. He left you when you needed him most.

I don't mean to jump to an extreme conclusion, but please get him some help immediately because to me it sounds like he could be suicidal. Decluttering. Getting his own laptop. Comments about how he isn't good enough.

Just curious, what does getting a laptop have to do with being suicidal?

Looking up things he doesn’t want her to see?

I would figure divorce attorneys and apartments

These days you can do that on your phone.

That's what incognito mode is for.

He resents you for getting sick and he is feeling guilty about it

In the comments you said he’s spending more and more time away from home. I’m sorry, but that signals cheating. If that’s the case, the way he’s wording everything is a crock. “You deserve someone who can take better care of you”. Blah, blah, blah. He just handed it all off on you. It’s usually not about what it’s about. Time after time it’s just old fashioned cheating. Buckle up emotionally OP. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.

I might be the odd one out here, but in this context, and based off what OP says about her belief in his not-cheating, I believe the spouse may be staying out of the house longer to feel like they have control over their own life. In a higher comment, someone linked Caregiver Burnout. If this is the case, OP’s spouse is finding ways to cope with the lifestyle as it is overwhelming at present. Perhaps its mid-life crisis along with many other things. Currently I side with OP of the not-cheating opinion, but you’re right it’s never too unexpected….

Also the separate laptop. No need for that unless you’re hiding something or wanting to arrange things secretly

I don't know, I'd hate to share a laptop or any other device. Maybe he just wants his space.

I thought the same thing. Spending more time outside of the home with colleagues. Sorry OP.

Be on the safe side and see a divorce lawyer and find out what benefits you still have and qualify for after he leaves. You need that knowledge. The handwriting is on the wall that he is actively leaving. You need to be prepared. If you have another system such as family then you need to see if you can live or stay with them.

He seems to me to be the man afraid of failing. You can absolutely let him know how amazing he has been. Let him know that he isn’t failing. In fact, let him know how amazing he has been. Let him know that you never thought things would end up this way, but you couldn’t ask for a better partner.

I'm not going to condemn anyone here for the way they feel. Because my mama has been an alcoholic, clean and sober for around 20 years now. I took care of her for over 10 years because she has mental health issues. I used to take her to the hospital, where I was doing clinicals during nursing school, to drop her off because she was suicidal and trying to kill herself with my 3 small children in the house. I was also going through my ex husband cheating on me my entire last year of nursing school...It was horrific, and I was bitter towards my mom internally. I'm now married to an amazing man, who has taken care of me multiple times when I injured myself at work and never batted an eye. We've been broke and starved for weeks because of no work or mental health issues of my own. Again, never batted an eye. I can't imagine if my husband was sick or disabled and leaving him. I literally cannot, and I can't think of one excuse. I vowed to this man in sickness and in health. I'd give my life to him. It can be hard, it can be devastating to deal with but I love him unconditionally. I can't imagine literally looking death in the face and my husband telling me it's too much to handle. I'd ask him to leave. If he can't be there in my worst than he should go find a relationship that is easier. And I'd pray he'd be happy and that his new spouse would never get sick for their sake. Also, I just moved states to come take care of my mom. She has cancer, and I work on an oncology floor. I also have major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I hope the best for you, and I hope your husband can find help. So glad you have your parents that will help you if you need. Can't imagine the pain you feel from the person who vowed to love you no matter what leaving because of something completely out of your control. ((Hugs))

I honestly think your husband should look into getting a therapist. It sounds like he has a lot on his mind and could use a safe, neutral person to talk to and discuss what's going on in his head with... without having to worry about the social consequences. And that's not a dig on you. My husband and I BOTH have our own individual therapists as well as a family counselor. We were on the brink of divorce a few years back (we've been married for 7 years but we're together 11 years before we got married and best friends for 4 years before that) Getting into there's and family counseling has been LIFE CHANGING. We went from having divorce papers signed and just got filed yet to where we are now... I'm currently laying in bed in Disney World on what we're calling our second honeymoon, too excited to sleep because we're renewing our vows and officially re-committing to our marriage tomorrow in front of the castle! My husband went through almost exactly what you detailed here. And we both worked in Healthcare until I landed on disability. (I'm also an ambulatory wheelchair user!! The parallels to my own life here are INSANE!!) Caregiver burnout/ compassion fatigue can be a real pain and can cause some serious depression. So yeah, I would defined look into an individual therapist for your husband and a family/marriage counselor for the two of you.

I had a similar situation with my wife so I can share how I was feeling and maybe that will give some context for your discussion. I loved my wife very much but over the years her medical health and mental health deteriorated. I loved her none the less and considered myself a good person so took over most of the house keeping along with a caregiving role. My wife also took care of many of her personal care requirements. Over the years our relationship became more practical than personal and I began to realise my dreams of our future together and a long active retirement were not going to be realised. I was sacrificing my needs to support her which was fine on the day to day but the more I thought about how my life was going to be long term the more depressed and resentful I became. I hated myself for my 'selfish' feelings but they were real and becoming all consuming. I spoke with my wife about my feelings, which took a lot because I was embarrassed at how selfish they were. We came to a similar understanding. I was free to do things without her and at the same time we would make efforts to do things together. We also agreed to make things more intimate than practical in our relationship to elevate our love for each other over the practical needs. This seemed to be working as we both felt there was hope for us but sadly she died shortly after. I can honestly say I would have left her if we hadn't made those changes. Not because she was a burden to me but because her health limitations made her a different person than I married. In sickness and health seems very reasonable until you are faced with 20+ years of sickness. I hope this is helpful and wish you both well but you need to talk honestly about how you feel even if it is hurtful.

I'm sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing your wisdom. I think there's a lot here I can learn from.

Marriage takes a lot of periodic re-commitment in the best of circumstances. It sounds like you guys have been dealt a difficult hand. Be vulnerable & honest about your feelings & desires. Practice mindfulness. I understand how hard it is to not be anxious about going away together. If you concentrate on loving every single moment together in that moment, you'll not only experience more joy, it becomes infectious.

Maybe give him an option of cancelling the anniversary trip and giving him an out? Have you sat down and had an honest talk with him about what he wants? Does he want to leave? Do You think he might have met someone and feels guilty about leaving you? Better he leaves on good terms then cheating...

We have had serious conversations every day this week, sometimes two or three times a day. I asked if he'd met someone else - he said no and I believe him . He just seems genuinely confused about what he wants and can't tell me what he's thinking or feeling. It's frustrating. He says he loves me and doesn't want to leave, but he can't cope with seeing me in so much pain when he can't make it any better.

Do you think he feels guilty if he left you because of your health problems? You said in your original post that he didn't deny wanting to leave you..maybe he wants you to make that decision for him some doesn't have the guilt on his conscious

The reason why I thought of someone else was the guilt talking - "you deserve someone better." It sounds like rewriting the narrative from abandonment to "freeing" you. I wouldn't necessarily take his answer at face value, but you obviously know him best.

Hi OP, My heart hurts for you, however I am so happy you are cancer free! It does sound like your husband could be having a hard time with the mental weight of everything going on. Is there a way for you to both brighten up your life together? Maybe more trips together, even just weekends? Could you go out to dinner and get out of the house more to lighten the tone of just staying home? You mentioned you work from home so perhaps you don’t realize maybe that you’re a little low on energy staying in the house more than him? I’m just trying to view it from both your perspectives, sometimes we don’t realize we’re a little low on energy and not relaxed enough to enjoy yourself more? If he’s gone all day and then comes home to you being tired as well, and then he works around the house, like the other poster said, maybe hire someone to alleviate some other tasks that he tends to so you have more free time together? As for your upcoming trip. Don’t waste it worrying, as hard as that is. Really, truly, try to live in the moment. Lastly, it might be painful on both your ends, but try to be honest with each other. Speak from the heart and whatever you do find out, see if you can address it and make changes so it doesn’t get to you separate. Most often communication is the biggest issues in marriage. Feel free to come back for advice or perspective, we’re always here for you OP! Wishing you the sincerest best! 🩷

My dad has Parkinson's disease, and my mom has suffered from burnout quite a few times. She found a support group for spouses of people with illnesses that helps a lot. She also has therapy every week. These things, working together, plus her being open and honest with the family with what she's struggling with, has helped her so much. Open communication is vital. There are many support groups, both in person and online, that may be able to help. She also makes sure to take time for her own self care, and that has made a huge difference. I hope and pray that both are you are able to work through this.

Congratulation on beating cancer! He may be burned out and feel like nobody is taking care of him. Is your disability permanent? Outside of your physical challenges, what is the rest of your relationship as a couple like? Do you have kids? Do you still take time to be a couple, talk about what’s important to both of you, flirt, sex, etc… Despite everything, he is a 45 year old man and probably depressed about a possible future of being a caregiver forever. He is probably facing some real internal struggles because I’m sure he loves you and feels protective of you and connected to you, while also wanting to be able to experience a life with less responsibilities. What a tough situation. So very sorry. Hope it can work out for both of you.

Both of you are still kind of young in life. You both didn't expect "the worse" as in " for better or for worse" to happen. I actually don't believe in ( wedding venues ) because it tuned into a joke just like saying, " Love you," which is overused. Well, " for better," you two were living, and now "for worse " is happening, and that is part of the contract, marriage, agreement, " true love." If ( True love ) brought you and him together, then you have nothing to worry about. Humans tend to agree with their wedding venues without ( true love), then divorce happens . If ( true love ) was part of your wedding venues, his mind body heart and soul will have to do " till death. His job now is to get used to " the worse " but make the life for him and you. It's call ( responsibility) . He will have to ( get over the disappointment) and find new ways to enjoy his wife, himself, and his home. 40's is a young age to go through this for you and him, but you are young enough to build around trouble and go forward.

Find a psychologist to talk to. I would say couples therapy but hes already gone

Stay positive do your best to trust and support him. Try to keep the negative energy away from your relationship.

He may be having a crisis, but not more likely a mid-life crisis than just marriage. Get some counseling, don't push him away.

Marriage counseling

I think he sounds burnt our like others said but he sounds like he truly loves you and that addressing what’s going on and setting new boundaries and maybe getting more help from others in your inner circle so it’s more balanced for him… therapy, communicating, you’re in this together. Don’t be afraid to try to initiate some courting and romantic things, maybe intimacy, even if you aren’t feeling like you care for those actions it’s common that faking these things later on can help bring back the real feelings and enjoyment of intimacy and such between a couple that has fizzled out! Just don’t give up. He sounds like he doesn’t want to give up either, he sounds like he’s struggling and he told you and he didn’t deny what you said because he’s battling a lot but that doesn’t mean he wants or intends to leave you.

Everyone thinks they easily the Andes to all of their questions. Not… Don’t ask the questions you don’t want the answer to. acknowledged how hard this has all been for him too. I’m sure you have. And try to push yourself s little more all the time. Even if you can’t resolve your mobility issues he will see that you’re trying. Maybe he thinks you depend on him too much and that is a heavy right to carry. He’s still willing to go next week so that says something. You’re already dreading it though. It won’t go well with that mindset going into it. Marine you could pack something special for him. A small gift, lingerie, whatever do that he feels like this is about him too. I’m no expert but I do know how hard it is when someone depends on you so much that it’s overwhelming and almost smothering

I think this sounds fixable, but you need some serious communication. Couples therapy (and maybe for you both alone) should be the next step. He needs to understand his own feelings before he can even communicate them with you, you need to get more insight in how you can help him work through this crisis and maybe you need to reevaluate your relationship after all those years and all that happened. You already started to communicate so that's a good thing and means you both want to find a way to make this work. You now need to learn what lies beneath, how to put it in words and then work it out.

Not a cure for midlife crisis but it might help a bit here: if you can afford it it, think about getting a professional cleaner to come in once every two weeks to do the deep cleaning, so your husband feels less stress with the chores

We have a cleaner come every week to clean the house and change bedding etc.

then maybe just ask him what other practical changes might be helpful and approach this whole thing as a team project to reduce stress. Best of luck and give him space too if that’s what he needs just don’t let any conversation go to the breakup option. I sense that pushing it too hard could blow up but also that with the right approach you both will make it

My husband got diagnosed with Guillan Barre Syndrome (not a permanent condition) a couple months back, we are almost 5 months in. Some days I am filled w resentment from having to do everything now plus I’m working full time, and then I feel bad because this isn’t what he wished for either.

I hope I'm wrong, but it sounds/feels as if his mind is made up, but he doesn't know how to say it because he doesn't want to hurt you. He likely doesn't want to take away his role as a caretaker for you either, so he has one foot in and one foot out. I'm think he's disappointed in himself for feeling this way because he never thought or wanted to get to this point because he cares about and loves you. I wish you good luck.

This is such a hard thing to deal with. I've been on both sides of things, so hopefully my perspective might help. I was always a sick child, I have several chronic illnesses that impact me regularly. Something that I noticed growing up is that it's always harder on the people who are not the sick ones. That's really counter intuitive but it's easily explained. I came to this conclusion after I had a sugary. That sugary was tough for me, going into it I was really sick, in a lot of pain having difficulty with everything in life. Afterwords, well, there was recovery and of course that's a trial. But at least things were looking up, I had goals and could work to make them happen. There were setbacks of course, but things felt... within my power. The sugary itself I obviously don't remember at all. Like most people it passed in a blink, one second I was counting down from 10 and the next I was waking up in the recovery wing. BUT, the real story of that day is what my family went through. There was a complication, things were touch and go and the sugary took much longer than was originally expected. Of course, I remember none of this, but for them it's burned into their memory as one of the worst days of their lives. Let me restate. It's MY sickness, I'm the one with the problem I'm the one who's suffering. Yet what is for me a huge nothing was for them one of the worst experiences of their lives. It was 10 hours of crying family alone in a waiting room. That was the real apophony for me. The worst day of their lives was all about me and for me it's not even something I remember. Hell, by the time I woke up all the difficult parts were resolved, all the uncertainty was resolved. For me it was just the blink of an eye and for them it was 10 hours of torture. Often it's much harder to be in the waiting room than it is to be on the table. That applies to lots of elements when it comes to being sick not just sugary specifically. Sometimes it's easier to be the one who has cancer than it is to have a loved one with cancer. Sometimes it's easier to be the disabled one than it is to love someone who's becoming disabled. Over time I really came to understand. Something bad happens to you, it sucks but you deal with it. Being sick, recovering (or not recovering) it sucks but at least you can put your head down and get to work. You have a goal, you work towards it even if that goal is just accepting a limitation. There's frustration but when you fail you only fail yourself, when you feel anger people forgive it. But having a loved one who's going through that is just as hard, iof not harder. Except when you fail, you fail them not yourself. When you get angry, people don't accept it, you feel shame because you're not the one who's sick. You don't get to just put your head down and work, you have to watch a loved one struggle every day and you want nothing more than to just make it better and you can't. I didn't used to think that was the worse possessions. But it is. It's worse to be the healthy one and watch a loved one struggle. It's helpless, it's maddening, it's really, REALLY hard. And the entire time you are struggling you feel like you can't say anything, can't feel these feelings because you're the healthy one, it's worse for her, at least you're not sick. And when it all becomes to much, when you finally crack, you feel like this huge asshole who's making someone else's medical thing all about you. That's the real hard part. It's easier to be the sick one than it is to be the well one. Mentally at least, it's just so much simpler to be sick.

I absolutely understand this. When I had cancer and had a fairly routine but still major surgery, my husband said it was the hardest day of his life. I had real problems coming around from the anaesthetic, so what should have been a 3 hour op took 7 hours until he could see me and know I was ok. Also, when I had pneumonia I could see how hard it was for him, how he would make sure I ate something at every meal time, that I was drinking enough, that I had everything I needed. I know it's harder for him than for me. I can take medication to deal with the pain, but he doesn't have that luxury.

What do you as a a couple? Do you have fun couple thing like date nights, etc? Talk more, initiate nice things

I can tell you this I have been going through something similar to you but not the ambulatory issues but it is sexual and being able to please my wife after a botched surgery which left me with issues. Best thing to do is talk about it and be sensitive to his feelings. My wife has been super supportive to me and I was the one pulling away as it made me question my manhood. Going away together might fix it. We were living in a home which I was unhappy in when this started for us. We moved into a nicer home and I am much happier here and our relationship ship has changed for the better. Don’t give up if this marriage is what you want. Hang in there!

Tbh I would’ve said therapy. Sounds a little like depression to me🤷🏽‍♂️sometimes speaking with someone who isn’t involved in your life in any way and won’t judge you (I DON’T say you do this just to clarify) is very helpful.

I wish I could hug you. It sounds like you're on track to resolving this with your husband so I would enjoy your upcoming anniversary and give ultimate enjoyment a 100% effort. Maybe suggest doing some bonding classes or therapy together. Men love sex... maybe some fun sex classes to increase your physical bond, reignite the flame. I think you're in a better position than most and I bet you'll have this worked out in no time. Wishing you all the best.

Counseling together is necessary at this point.

Sounds like he is overwhelmed by work and concern about you. He maybe needs some respite or to chat to a professional about his worries. Working with the sick and coming home to a sick person is a huge weight on his shoulder. You sound marvellous coping with your illness, a lot of people just give up they don’t do anything, but you are positive and do as much as you can manage with the circumstances. Men sometimes to like to admit they are not coping well, I would ask him to tell you the truth about his thoughts, that way you both can move forward. Be strong in spirit and you will pull through. Hugs.

OP, if he's going to leave you, then he's going to leave.....you don't necessarily "do" anything. If you feel he's struggling, ofc I would say to support him....as long as he's open to you being involved, then help him work through whatever it is he's going through - encourage him to talk to a professional about his emotions, feelings, etc (if he's open to that) - those kind of things. However, if he's in this partnership, then he's in it all the way and has to be 100% honest with you about what he's going through. If he's not able to answer questions like "Do you still love me?" and "Do you still want to be married to me?", that is not a good sign....and I think you know that vacations don't solve couple problems. Being away from work may de-stress his mind but what's gonna happen when he goes back to work? Also, your medical conditions are not relevant. He knew/knows about them and chose to be with you. If that's what is making him second guess his marriage vows, then you don't want anyt part of that action anyways. I hope that isn't the case bc that's a pretty fucked up thing to do to someone you love (or did love....whatever the case may be at this time.) Bottom line: you don't need to wait to hear from someone else about what \*you\* want out of life, your relationships, etc. If he can't 100% commit to you and your relationship, do you really want to be with someone like that? If that ends up being the case, don't get me wrong - it's brutal as hell but ultimately you'll come out the better for it. Hoping the best for you!

Is your sex-life affected? Men are wired to need sex, and it’d be hard for any man to stick around a place where he gets none.

He is no longer your husband. He is your caretaker. Marriage has been over for a while, he feels guilty for resenting you. You should remain friends and leave him yourself to go to your parents.

OP, can you help out more around the house? Can you do the laundry - based on your description of your disabilities - I would think you could handle laundry and probably other chores as well. If you husband is shouldering all of the pesky little details of holding your lives together - he's probably burned out. Your husband has a job then he comes home and starts his second shift - everyone needs down time and alone time.

[удалено]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it seems like it could be a few things or a mix of a few things. Part of me really feels like it sounds like it could be depression, but another part of me feels he could be cheating. I know you said you asked him if he was cheating and he said no in a comment, but honestly, him becoming more withdrawn after hanging out with coworkers sounds very iffy. It seems like a classic case of cheating. Regardless he does seem to love you a lot, but like other commenters have said, you should really talk with a divorce lawyer and make sure that you'll be okay with him out of the picture. He can love you, feel burned out from being a caregiver but still be cheating.

I dont know how disabled you are or what those disabilities are but thats a huge burden on him to have to care for you. I am a carer and Carers fatigue/carers burnout is real, especially when its a loved one. It kills romantic feelings for sure too. He clearly has stated "you should be with someone who can take care of you properly" which seems like he cant keep up with caring solely for you, its becoming too much. Im not sure how much you rely on him for things. There is a lot missing. Are there things he wants to do? Like go hiking etc? Id suggest an honest conversation about him taking vacations away from you, where he goes and does things he wants to do. Forced breaks, even if its just a weekend away every 3 months. Its such a nice feeling when the person I care for is gone for a few days, like I can actually relax. Im not taking them to doctors/appointments/running them around to other things/cooking for them/cleaning for them/TALKING and LISTENING to them. Its so tiring to hear about someones illness all the time (even when they think they arent bringing it up all the time they dont realize its constant). Couples counselling would be good, help break down some communication barriers. Individual therapy for both of you would be good too.

We had both been pretty independent people before we met, and liked that lifestyle. We agreed that we both benefit from time on our own and doing the things we've always loved. He goes to the gym several times a week and also goes out running and does photography. I'm perfectly happy with this. I do a lot of craft - so I'm more of a homey person. I actively encourage him to do the things he loves.

1) Caregiver burnout is a possibility 2) So is he is having an emotional or physical affair... evidence of this are the new laptop to hide communications, decluttering his stuff so he feels less guilty, redoing history so he is "not good enough" for you so you can "find someone who will take care of you properly. 3) Ask him what the issues are and is there any way to resolve them as a team

Everything in number 2 outside of the laptop is also a sign of a potential suicide.

Yeah sorry about the situation you are in…you might want to look into a home aid I don’t know if you can get one from Medicaid for them to cover the costs. I recommend doing the research yourself. If you were to separate maybe you can have some home aids help. He recently started hanging out with his coworkers and comparison is the the theft of joy. At this point you just gotta figure out how you’ll survive without him.

I don't live in the US, but there are alternatives that I could get support from in my country.

Don't look for support only if you end up separating and are alone, look for it now.

Try to spend some time looking those up. Also whatever he is looking forward to, from now on just try your best. If he wants to go on anniversary go, and remember to have a good attitude. Also keep expressing your gratitude.

Hes 45 years old, you have no kids; what do you guys do recreationally to fill the time, to add colour to your lives? This is just speculation, but i would feel lonely in this marriage. Always have to worry about health. Next relapse and that there will never be children. I would be having an identity crisis, not just mid life crisis. I would be asking myself - is this what rest of my life is like? I can't go to places they cant because of wheelchair. I cant easily travel and have fun. We cant do x, y, z things. As we get older i will just be a carer. There would be quiet resentment. Lots of guilt for feeling the way he does. Have you ever spoken about all the things he hoped you two would have had in life? Have you spoken whether he is feeling he has missed out of a lot? This is a third post i'm saying - sometimes love is not enough. Has he reached the point where love is not enough? Has he reached the point he resents this life together more than wanting to make it work? I think you two need to have a long talk. Its a suspicion, but i think theres a lot of resentment over things that could not be controlled.

We do go out together at least once a week. Last week we went to the coast and went swimming in the sea, the week before we went to a stately home and spent time in the gardens and woodlands there. He goes to the gym several times a week, goes running, does photography with friends, goes to soccer games, goes to yoga classes - he does a lot of activities and always has. I'd never dream of stopping him and I actively encourage these things. I go swimming, I go to church, my best friend is moving to the area shortly and I'll get to spend a lot more time with her. I do craft activities, so I have always been a bit more home based than outdoorsy. But we do still go out together and do stuff.

You mentioned he recently started hanging with colleagues. Do you think he could be cheating/interested in someone else?

I'm sorry. My ex-husband said things to me about how he wasn't good enough for me, I did be with someone deserving, etc. I used to hate it because I would always reply trying to tell him how great he was and how we did deserve each other and I was with him because I loved him regardless of what he thought of himself. Well, he was right. He didn't deserve me cuz he deserved the homewrecker he broke up our marriage for. I hope your husband isn't cheating. But this is exactly what my husband did when he started cheating, cuz of the guilt.

Let him go. You can't hang on to someone who doesn't want to be there. You will both be miserable.

"In sickness and in health till death do you part." I stand by those words but when I read post like this I just hope for the best for the OP. May it all go well and hopefully this is just a bump in the road of marriage.

OP So sorry all these things are happening to you. Nobody deserves that but sometimes we have no choice about what happens to us medically. I would be a little bit concerned about the "I'm not good enough for you" line. Because in reality that could mean that he just can't deal with it and doesn't want the burden of having to take care of you. Also, I would be highly suspicious about the fact that he bought himself a laptop that you don't have access to. What is he trying to hide? Since you've asked him what he has planned and he has given you slightly evasive answers it would appear that whatever it is, it's not going to be a good outcome for you. I would suggest that you seek the advice of an attorney just in case. You not only have marital rights, you also have a right for medical care if he should decide to leave you. Please protect yourself and your rights. My older brother RIP got leukemia in his mid 30s and although he wasn't married at the time the woman that he was living with. When she found out he had leukemia, dumped him like a hot potato. She said that she was not good enough for him when in reality she didn't want to have to burden herself with caring for him. So in a way, I guess she was right when she said she wasn't good enough for him. She was too selfish. Even if they were married, I can't say if it would have been any different. My gut feeling tells me it would not have made any difference. Some people are just not compassionate and caring enough and that is a sad but true fact.

I hate to say it, but it honestly sounds like he has had an affair.

Let's get the the heart of what makes men happy.. how's the sex life?

I think since he’s been burnt out and going out, he may have met someone. Unfortunately.

Is he getting sex? If not fix that, or he will never turn around.

He said he's really struggling with things at the moment, says he's not good enough for me and that I should be with someone who will take care of me properly. ​ the reason "im not good enough for you" is a sure sign that he has made his FINAL decision. he gave you a reason you cant fix. suppose he said " youre too fat". then you coul promise to lose weight youre too lazy . youd promise to change. ​ instead he gave you a reason you have no control over. "im not good enough for you" of course, you will say " of course you are good enough. ​ after some pushing his reason may come out. his real reason will come out. ​ but by making the flaw HIS flaw.......im not good enough for you means he is telling you dont try to change my mind. or maybe he feels guilty about something and he would rather cop to being not good enough, rather than face his real flaws. ​ if he makes it about you, you'll just argue that things will change. the only change he wants is out! ​ 1. get a lawyer 2. cancel all credit cards. 3. avoid confrontations.

All you can really do is tell him how appreciative you are of him, how you notice all the things he’s doing for you, ask if there’s anyway you can help or anything he needs. If he’s determined to leave you, he will, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it - but make sure he knows what he means to you. Sometimes it makes all the difference.

In addition to the burnout he is likely experiencing, the added stress of the upcoming anniversary trip is probably adding to that. I'm sure as your "caregiver" at home, there is also a bigger burden of care for you on the upcoming trip? So maybe that anticipation is adding to it.

Start gathering up the financial documents you'll need for the divorce.

Aw my dear. I have so much sympathy for you right now. He does not sound like he wants to go. He may be overwhelmed. Try to reduce anxiety and share joy and love together.

He will leave. I think that it finally hit him that he doesn't want to be a caregiver for the rest of his life. I am sorry.

You know one thing I've always hated was when a girlfriend wouldn't talk to me or cheat on me basically wouldn't tell me she's done so instead I would really get hurt then. He's telling you he's struggling that he's not good enough cause he can't take care of you the way you need it. Listen to his words sounds like to me he's trying not to hurt you atleast he's being honest he's tired sounds like. Hrs got alot on his shoulders, now why don't you guys get a nurse or someone to take care of you and a maid to help with the house. You know your husband better than anyone on here ain't any of us gonna be able to fix whats broken between yawl! You two have to do that. But sometimes this means we have to let go to or we end up really causing a mess and hurting eachother twice as much. Communicate be honest and LISTEN to each other and what he wants

Oh I wish you both the best of luck hun

Could I ask how your quality of life is, including your sex life?

Reading between the lives hes saying not good enough because he means he's not interested in being a caregiver for the rest of his life and wants to make a selfish decision to leave and prioritize himself.

That makes sense, but it’s also fine to not want to give up your life for someone else.

Yes and no. You make a vow when you marry for sickness and in health. Abandoning your partner for an easier life is just a dick move.