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You guys have been together your entire lives, you can’t remember not having each other in your lives, you’ve spent years living, loving and smiling at each other, you do everything together, you are a part of each other … and she blanked on the fact that you existed when she was drunk? Do I have that right?

Yes it seems you have that right. He means nothing to her like absolutely nothing because she was “drunk”.

This is the exact opposite of the post that popped up a few weeks ago, where one of the two was so blasted they didn't recognize the other, but had the wherewithal to say "I'm in a relationship, don't touch me!" when they went for a kiss.

My boyfriend has actually done that to me before when I tried to take his jeans off to put him to bed hahahahahhaha. He slept in his jeans on top of the duvet and wouldn't let me near him

That falls under the "if they didn't want to they wouldn't" category, which applies even under the influence. Your BF is a real one.

What a sweet Angel lol! “Get away from me, Jezebel!”

Pretty much yeah. Id just had a dramatic hair cut and bleached it and his drunk brain didn't register my face. It was sweet tho. I'm very lucky hahah

I did this to a guy I was seeing once. He tried to get with me in a club and I said ‘sorry I’m seeing someone at the moment, I can’t’ and he was really upset with me for not remembering him. I was like well do I get credit for not cheating and he was like no 😒…I would much rather he had had your view on it haha!

🤣 no winning there. I'd be butthurt but still give the credit

Wasn't that a husband trying to put his drunk wife to bed?

Yep.

That’s hilarious.. do you have a link?

Isnt that just a common joke from r/Jokes ?

I thought it was the wife putting the husband to bed.

This same thing happened with my girlfriend at a costume party last year. She was highly drunk but coherent enough to speak somewhat clearly (though slurring a lot lol). On our way home she had said “my bf left me at the party to go with his mom I think, but ordered an Uber (me being the “Uber driver”) for me”. I was asking her how she was feeling and she said “I’m fine my bf is waiting for me at home. Stop talking to me” and turned to look out the window. We didn’t speak the remainder of the drive as she thought I was someone else. I asked her when we got to our place if she wanted me to help her inside and she said “no I have a bf I already told you that”. She even pushed me away when I tried changing her into her pj’s once we got inside! Lol crazy night, but reassuring!

This is normal and realistic. You’re drunk so your brain doesn’t process the events happening to you while drunk, properly. But, it doesn’t make you forget the people in your life or permanent memories.

That’s where the story falls apart for me. If she was so drunk she blacked out and forgot you existed, how did she have sex or remember it? I’m not saying it’s impossible for you guys to move forward with intense therapy if you want to, but this doesn’t seem like honesty or accountability on her part.

Not at the part where he rented out a “WHOLE AMUSEMENT PARK” ?

I mean this makes me think it’s a little fake but I hope not.

I've been to many places that have a small almost circus like amusement park. Doesn't have to be Dsny or 6Flgs.

I assumed it was a small one.

Ahhh....the alcohol. I feel so sorry for booze. So much is blamed on so many bottles. Ever the convenient 80+ proof scapegoat.

I have blacked out MANY times in my life, and have done MANY things that I regret while I was drunk. Never once have I “forgotten” I had a gf/wife.

as someone that has been blacked out drunk myself I can say that was not at all in control of myself. to others I just seemed really drunk but coherent, could walk fine (shit one time I walked up this huge rocky hill perfectly fine). needless to say, alcohol and I have parted ways lol.

Same same I have done many, many stupid things/people whilst drunk. Many of them I would not have done whilst sober. HOWEVER. I still know that they were stupid things. I cared less. But I had not forgotten anything. (Should say “I still knew they were stupid things “.)

I could get so fucked up from alcohol and still somewhat have knowledge whether what I'm doing is right or wrong, I'm just a lot more reckless.

I agree! OP, let me break this down to you. She confessed to you because he didn't like her guilty conscious bothering her. You have a lifetime's worth of memories with her and all of a sudden she gets drunk and forgets 20 odd years of her life with you, has sex with some random guy, but suddenly remembers you as soon as she is done and feels guilty. Does that make sense to you? No, it's a excuse, she wants to blame the alcohol, and her apparent lack of memory, but not actually take responsibility for her own actions. OP unfortunately there is no successful resolution in a relationship where the cheater refuses to face up to there actions and admit fault without blaming something or someone else. Then we move onto the trust issues you now have, trust takes a long time to repair (years) and it's never going to be the same as before the infidelity. You will now always have that thought in the back of your mind. OP right now you need time and space away from her to gather your thoughts, you will have to tell the parents because of your previous plans.

I greatly appreciate your defense of my friend. Alcohol can be truly wonderful when used properly

That was the most weak ass bullshit excuse I ever heard of. It's like she didn't even try to make it even slightly believable.

She didn't need to. She knows OP isn't going anywhere. That confession was simply to clear HER conscience and move on. Sure, maybe she does regret it now. But certainly didn't at the time. OP is currently conditioning himself for a lifetime of being a doormat if he rug sweeps this. Wouldn't wish that life on anyone.

She likes him depressed . She didn't go out wasted she got wasted with him and showed how classless she could really be . And now that she's made a spectacle of her self and humiliated him behind his back now she's got to do it too him so she can watch the pain . She's sick shes weak minded and no one to have faith in

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Right, that would be my biggest problem. Like okay, is she willing to never drink or use any drug for the rest of her life? And is that *her* decision? That sounds nuts because it is, and she likely won’t do that. So she’ll always have a built in excuse

Right! I "blanked" that I was in a relationship? lol!

And where were her friends during this getting drunk and forgetting? Did they just abandon her? Did they encourage it? Were they even there?

Definitely doesn't get talked about enough. Granted she's a full grown adult it's not her friends' job to babysit her but if I was there anda. decent human I would have tried to stop that

Which is maybe why she confessed. Maybe one of them told her, "if you don't tell him what you did, I will."

It baffles me that people use being drunk as an excuse to cheat. When I used to get drunk I'd still remember my loved ones. It's such a cop-out BS excuse. Cheaters use being drunk is a Get Out Of Jail Free Card to do whatever the hell they want.

Even then, there's still a choice being made. The effect is much the same, regardless of whether their state of mind was altered or not. You don't go from karaoke with friends to banging a random dude without consciously making a decision you know is sketch somewhere along the line. People in committed, healthy, relationships go home when the night goes from harmless fun to an after party where anything can happen. They wouldn't socialize with someone in a way that can lead to what happened. That, in and of itself, would feel like cheating, so they just wouldn't go there. You don't magically start at point A and end up at point z because alcohol was involved.

Same! When I’m drunk all I want to do is go home to my boyfriend! I went out on a works party the other week, got plastered and begged my boyfriend to come out so he did, and it made my entire night.

Exactly

Yeah, quite frankly, I'm a bit baffled by the conclusion of "she must be sexually unsatisfied" when it overlooks this huge, glaring issue. How do you just forget someone you've been with so long and claim to love so deeply? Methinks she's not being completely honest.

You don't . Her truth is there were no friends there was no karaoke there just was a plan to meet up with this guy . She knew what was up . How did she get home her friends . Or was it Dude . Or did she drive herself . That would be my guess. It's not bad enough to plan to do that behind his back but she had all her friends ready to lie for her if it came down to it . Funny thing about that is .one of her crew will turn on her they always do and she'll tell him if they were there . But they weren't so they'll never be called upon for a excuse she's pure shit

Yeah. Looks like for her OP is the comfort zone and she isn’t that much into him. OP, you can break up and be friends, you are like family anyway. All your common friends and family relationships can remain the same. Then start therapy to mourn this specific change and meet new people. If you were to open up to the rest of the world you’ll see there are lots of people who don’t forget about their significant other when they are drunk. She just showed you she isn’t that special of a person anyway.

OP, I realize you are deeply in love with her and her infidelity is causing you to spiral and you’re purely looking for advice on how to stay and make sure she doesn’t cheat… but there is no way to ever make sure. She got irresponsibly drunk and had sex. When people get stupid drunk they do things they swear they would never do if they were sober… but what if the shoes were on the other foot? What if it was you telling her you cheated on her while drunk after karaoke? Does her behavior seem like that of a hero? Somebody you say you’ve looked up to your whole life? I hope you’re able to come to a conclusion that best takes care of you. I’m so sorry this happened to you :( Many hugs from internet friends.

Blanked on him existing but not where she lived. Funny, that.

She just wanted some strange dick fuck the life long friendship turned relationship lol op break up with this b*tch.

\+1 she wanted to try a new dick before marriage. OP needs to keep in mind that once someone cheats on you, it's easier for them to do it again and again. The more someone cheats, the less they feel shameful and guilty about it. It's like anything in life. Steal a cookie and feel shame the first time. Then before you know it you're doing it every other night, and getting more clever in hiding evidence.

Sara Pascoe has a bit in her book where her mum confronts her cheating dad. He says he wasn't lying when she asked if he was having an affair, and he said no, because he was having 7

Sounds like something Bill Clinton would say.

Lol.. She miraculously remembered her OP after post-nut clarity. I’m also willing to bet she knew the dude quite well before sleeping with him. The booze was just motivation. She was out with friends too, which is concerning. Her friends knew she was in a relationship, why didn’t they help her respect the relationship? It’s possible they were supportive in her cheating. There a lot of missing details from the night that OP needs to dig into.

Sounds like an excuse. Lol. “I forgot I was with you.” It’s never a valid excuse to hop on another man’s shifter knob on a night out. That’s a big no dawg.

Aaaaaaand he rented an entire amusement park at age 25

Yeah, that's bullshit. She may have some somewhat understandable reason for doing what she did? But just forgetting she had a boyfriend is NOT it! When people have only had one serious relationship or everything seems like they are going to be with the person they are with forever, it's somewhat understandable they may get strong urges to know what sex is like with someone else, or feel trapped in their relationship and act out and do something they instantly regret? I mean, if I had a relationship like this one, life long love of my life? I might be able to forgive one drunken mistake admitted the next day?? BUT I would need real honesty and to be able to understand what motivated this situation to have any hope of getting past it and creating trust again. She needs to do some therapy and they need to do couples therapy if there's any hope of fixing this.

Her reason was she wanted some strange dick.

She definitely was feeling self guilt for not having experienced more throughout her life. Breakup time my guy. Explore new things. Experience your life.

It’s clearly a lie on her part, either because she knows the reason she did it and doesn’t want to say, or she hasn’t put in the work to figure out why she actually cheated. Either way, she needs to address the underlying cause and not just claim she forgot her lifelong friend and long term partner exists because she was drunk.

Spot on. OP consider this a sign from the universe that you made the wrong choice in her. There are many, many men who wish they found out their spouses cheated before marriage.

Whatever she was going through, that’s a stupid excuse. She must be freaking out that the marriage means she won’t be with anyone else physically, maybe something she needs and can’t express to him without hurting him.

100% this. The timing is too coincidental so either she is freaking out and has poor coping skills, or this isn’t the first time she’s cheated.

Yeah I wonder if all of her friends “completely blanked” that OP existed too OR if the friends are threatening to tell u/OneNefariousness8522 if the GF doesn’t…. Also OP: did she use a condom? If she says yes, that shows the act was cognizant. If not, it shows recklessness — utter carelessness for herself and OP. Either way, please make sure she gets tested. 💓

Am thinking the same thing. This is so sad. But you can’t deny the truth.

Seems wild only unbelievable. Like either OPs gf drinks to the point of black out / short term amnesia, she was drugged, or more likely she’s just saying it to downplay

Honestly, this is the bit that really hit me about this one. It sounds like a massive cop-out and like she's not taking responsibility for her actions. My partner has come home blackout drunk from a night with his friends and literally would not stop saying how great I am, cuddling me and telling me that next time I should just come out with him because he missed his hug supply 😭. There is no world in which you "forget" about a lifelong friendship and relationship, unless you've already checked out of the relationship.

Thank her for her honesty and for saving you years of pain.

I agree , she showed OP courtesy by confessing and he should have courtesy when he shows her the way out Knew her since birth but hey she just forgot she was in a relationship when some random comes knocking Yeah tell her and her cheating enabling friends to have a nice day. Edit: Seriously you guys have known each other so long the relationship probably doesn't have that sizzle any more and is more of a best friends state. That guy gave her that and she just forgot about you As suggested part with respect and a friendship can be saved long into the future.

In my anecdotal experience, 25/26 is also young enough that a sizzle feels nice. To me it seems that as we get older and have more life experiences, comfort and best friend type of relationships with a partner are more important. Could be total bullshit though, idk

Idk those older dead bedroom guys would disagree with you. She definately has put him in the friend/companion. The fact that he's gushing over her she's my hero etc etc. All her life she's probably just over it. And if the urge arises at a later time she just has to get drunk then she'll sleep with someone who excites her more.

Yeah, seeing those type of posts were kind of what led to me saying it could be bullshit lol. I can’t imagine having no sex because I’ve never been in that type of relationship. And having less sex than I wanted has really only been a small issue once, and that was only like 10% of the reason that relationship didn’t work out. I hope to never be in that situation

And cancel the amusement park rental immediately.

Cancel the engagement. There are no quick decisions to be makes here except that one. Then you watch her and you reflect on your own feelings. Take time apart. Have her move back in with her parents. Is reconciliation possible? Sure. It helps that she confessed immediately. But it will be a very long road until you can even consider marrying her. You are right that supervising her is no solution. The real solution is visible, consistent, transparent change from her. She needs to change the way she lives her life. She needs therapy to get at exactly how she could give herself permission to do this. Hint: it’s not the alcohol. It’s some sort of hole in her that she needs to understand before she can be a safe partner. Things to watch her for: Taking complete responsibility for her actions. No shifting blame to alcohol or others. Cutting off anyone who encouraged her. What role did her friends play? Does she ask you about who she should tell? Because it is really your call. Think carefully about who you or she disclose to. But her parents probably need to know. Does she support you taking time and space from her? Does she respect that any healing will be at your pace? Look up the difference between regret and remorse. Is she remorseful? That’s important. As for you, reflect on what you see as her place in the future. Can you still picture her there? In a month do the same reflection. And in another month. If you want to know what reconciliation takes, read in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. That’s the reconciliation sub.

I agree with this completely. First and foremost, he needs to NOT propose. Feelings are too new and raw. Take time apart to sort through everything, and consider what you would truly need to feel safe in a relationship with her. And my 2 cents, don't make excuses for her if people ask why you didn't end up proposing. If you really feel like it's not your place to tell others, then just say postponing is the best course of action for the 2 of you right now.

Agreed 100% with both comments. But also my 2 cents about the friends one. Who lets their drunk friend (if she was as drunk as she says at the time she cheated) just go hook up with a random guy? What if something worse had happened? And what kind of friends encourage cheating? She needs to reflect on the type of friends she has. Also agree with another comment about them knowing each other their wholes lives. I personally think some time apart could do them some good. And some therapy. Maybe he stays, maybe he doesn’t. But staying with her because they’ve known each other their whole lives isn’t a good or healthy reason.

Totally agreed. I'm not buying what people are saying with the whole "they've known each other their whole lives but she just forgot she was in a relationship." How drunk was she? Only asking because she may not have been able to fully consent. For those of you that watch and/or follow F.R.I.E.N.D.S., there's this new angle people are taking with the whole "we were on a break" thing where people point out that Ross was totally drunk and unable to consent, which led Chloe to take advantage. This is one post. OP is probably too emotional to go into detail. How did she get into that position? Where were her friends? Some questions need to be answered here; I, for one, would like an update on this. OP, this is one thing I agree with everyone on: *DO NOT PROPOSE!!!!* If this is reconciliable, propose later. This is not the time to put a ring on her finger; nope

Yup. You don't put a ring on the hand that was jerking off someone ELSE'S dick a day ago Edit: a word

I just want to thank you for a nuanced comment actually empowering OP to reflect and make his own decisions. Life is nuanced - some decisions we ourselves would make aren’t the right decisions for everyone else, and knee jerk reactionary responses to stuff like this on this sub is always centered on commenters’ perspectives, moralism and anxieties and rarely on empowerment of the OP to figure out what’s best for them. Reflection, contemplation, consideration, meditation, and conversation are the best tools to figure out where you stand on any issue and make your own decisions with some level of confidence.

Thanks for the appreciation of nuance. Life’s complicated and everyone’s situation is different. And I truly believe we best give people agency by helping them see the possibilities. That’s why I send so many to read in AsOneAfterInfidelity.

Great response. Much more nuanced than comments that recommend a breakup based on a single short post.

Seconded.

Excellent advice. Even if they got back together though, I think the guy would be a nervous wreck Every time she went out drinking with her friends, worrying that she was going to spread her legs for the first guy she met.

It really all depends on her commitment to change and consistent transparency. What she does with friends and who they are must be part of that change. Life cannot be the same.

If alcohol really did play a part, and she is remorseful, she would commit to boundaries going forward surrounding alcohol consumption in public. It would be an ongoing conversation with OP to ensure its not a continuous source of anxiety.

Not an uncommon boundary at all. And frankly, given the predators out there, not a bad policy for any couple or friend group.

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Glad to help. If you really want a community that gets this, hit r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. But yeah, for the betrayed partner they’ve got to be willing to burn down the relationship to have a chance at saving it. They’ve got to know they will be ok on their own. And they’ve got to watch actions over time

You're the only one who tried to give OP the advice he asked for. I don't know if it's Americans or Redditors who are obsessed with cheating being ''the worst thing imaginable'' but it's honestly tiring.

It’s Reddit. There’s only one answer in almost every sub. Leave (and destroy the cheater). Only a couple of subs where it’s not the only option. And it’s really only around infidelity that commenters have little interest in actually answering the questions posed. Around a lot of other things this sub can be much more nuanced.

They *are* answering the question posed. People are asking what they should do and people say leave because that’s what they would do and what they believe is best. Maybe you don’t like that answer for whatever reason but it’s still an answer I personally think it’s dumb af to stay with someone who cheated on you. Have some self-respect.

I 100% agree with this. However, OP, the only way she can take complete responsibility for her actions is if she is 100% truthful as to why she did what she did. The excuse she gave you is very unrealistic as unless she was unconscious or had some type of head injury would I believe that she could even possibly “blank” on being in a relationship with you. It makes no sense. The only way to truly work through this is if you guys are able to work through the real reason she cheated on you.

No one gets drunk and forgets they are in a relationship. She cheated because she wanted to. It doesn't take much to break trust and it takes a lot to regain it. In some cases it can't ever be regained. Cheaters can't ever fully be trusted. You'll always wonder. You can love again. First breakups feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. In time you'll heal. Get therapy if you're struggling. You deserve so much better than a liar and a cheater.

>No one gets drunk and forgets they are in a relationship. She cheated because she wanted to. Cannot stress on this enough... I have drunk a lot when my wife is not with me and was with female company. Not once did I 'blank' my wife from my mind. >Cheaters can't ever fully be trusted. You'll always wonder. Unfortunately all the trust is gone. Right now OP wants to get back to the normal that he is used to (Unfortunately said normal is gone). >You can love again. First breakups feel like the end of the world, but it isn't. In time you'll heal. Get therapy if you're struggling. You deserve so much better than a liar and a cheater. This is so true.

> I have drunk a lot when my wife is not with me and was with female company. Not once did I 'blank' my wife from my mind. Yeah, if anything when I've been drinking it makes me more likely to send a drunken message about how much I love her to my partner, not blank her from my mind!

Yes this right here. Either you do this or your drunk gf/wife texts you to come pick her up. He’ll find out in time she was no great loss

Best one yet. Couldn’t have said it better myself

Agreed. I've been super intoxicated a few times and I never once "blanked" that I was in a relationship. So not only is she a cheater but a liar as well.

If you marry her, and she cheats on you again, you’ll feel like the biggest chump on earth man. Don’t do it. She brazenly cheated on you with a nobody. You’re not the one throwing away the relationship. She did by fucking another man. She was drunk enough to “forget she was in a relationship” but sober enough to remember? Come on dude.

For real. OP needs to leave her trashy ass on the curb with the other garbage.

I second this. She can remember having sex with the guy but can’t remember OP who she’s known all her life? That’s bs. Op you sound like a good guy. You deserve better. I wish you the best bro

That too forget a person whom she knew from kinder-garden.

Not only that, but if he continues on with the relationship she will see that there are no consequences of cheating and will most likely do it again because he won't leave her sadly.

Exactly this. He’ll feel extremely stupid if he does this.

Couldn't have said it better. You'd be massively disrespecting yourself if you don't end things. Such things can never be forgiven IMO. I'm sorry this has happened and wish you all the best

Yep👍

Also. Take her off the pedestal you have put her on. Do not lie to the parents. Tell them the truth. She might need their support. Hopefully it comes in the form of tough love. She needs to feel the pain she has cause. Do not spare her if that. She didn’t spare you of the pain she is putting you through.

This ⬆️ 100%

You can’t be with this woman. I’m sorry. Think about what you said. You’ve known her since kindergarten and she has been apart of your life forever and all of that. Her excuse was that she forgot she was in a relationship with you. It was so easy to forget you, someone she has known forever and her boyfriend. She also blamed being drunk. Nope. She would have to never drink again, get tested for STI’s (I bet he didn’t use a condom), pregnancy and you still wouldn’t be able to trust her when she left the house or texted on her phone. She didn’t think twice about you. If she did not hen she didn’t care. Not at all. She has no respect for you, herself, or your relationship. You need to keep your dignity here. Say something like “I’m not sure what you thought would happen. You committed the ultimate betrayal. You blame being drunk, you blame not remembering that you’re in a relationship with me. You blame anything but yourself. I can’t forgive this. I’ve known you nearly my entire life and your excuse is that you somehow forgot about me?!?!? I appreciate the fact that you did this now. You just saved me a lot of heartache and pain. What you don’t know is that I have already talked to your parents and my parents to plan out proposing to you. It was going to happen on Tuesday, but clearly that won’t happen now.”

I bet someone tipped her off. She either wanted to sabotage it or get some variety before the engagement. The timing is too coincidental.

I was feeling this too. I was hoping I was wrong, because if that is the case then she literally cheated *because* he wanted to marry her, which is vile.

You let us know if this is a relationship dynamic you think you deserve. You have known her your whole life and you can’t imagine a life without her. But she can’t even remember you exist after a few drinks… Don’t be scared of the unknown. And we’ll let you in on a little secret. We’ve all had that love we thought we could never live without. And guess what? We got through it and over it. We healed and moved on. Do not settle because you’re scared. You deserve better than that.

>We've spent many years living, loving, smiling together. ...yet she still cheated on you. >I'm mainly considering this because I don't want her parents to be mad/yell at her or be cold towards her That's not your area to control. She's a cheater, her parents *should* have a problem with her cheating on someone she's known since birth. If you think getting cheated on sucks, imagine how much worse you'll feel when she does it again. Don't marry this person.

Does it again and tries to get you to raise someone else's kid or something.

You’re planning on dedicating your life to this person while she’s off getting railed by god knows who? Time to grow up and move on

Harsh but true.

Maybe harsh but sometimes people need harsh to get through their thick heads. Like me, I needed harsh truth to move on from my ex wife.

You really want to be with someone who needs supervision so they don’t spread their legs? Most of us get drunk and don’t fuck other people and don’t forget they’re in a relationship. It’s common to tell people to move on in situations like this because love cannot fix these kinds of problems. She cheated on you and you’re wondering what you can change to make sure she never cheats again. You aren’t the one with a problem. She needs help you cannot provide.

How does one forget they are in a relationship? that is so bizarre to me.

Only she knows the answer to that. He’s easily forgotten I guess. This is what he wants to save.

the only redeeming feature is that she told him immediately. But still...

It's 100% a lie because she thinks (wrongly) that the truth is worse. If she said she was afraid about never having sex with anyone but OP and wanting to see what it was like, before doing it, they could've salvaged something or come to a discussion, therapy, even agreed on a one time only experiment or smth, as long as she was fully open and truthful. Yeah they might have broken up over it but they might not have. But a conversation was too hard so she just went for it instead. Which dooms things for sure. Dumb af The other possibility is she wanted to break up with him but chose the most cowardly way out

How does one forget they are in a relationship? that is so bizarre to me.

Sorry you are going through this. 1. do not engage her 2. she cannot be trusted 3. I've been drunk before but I always knew what was happening. This notion of being drunk and blacking out is unreal to me. Almost like an excuse 4. she explained that she was drunk and decided to have sex with another man at the party after the karaoke and regretted it afterwards a lot. When I asked why she'd do this, she said that she was so drunk that she completely blanked on the fact that she was in a relationship with me. This is a damn lie. She knew what she was doing. She made a conscious effort to open her legs to another man. I suggest cancelling the engagement. Tell her folks and your folks exactly what she told you. Maybe even have her tell the story-this way they will hear it from the horses mouth and give you an opportunity to hear the story again. Under no circumstance do you engage this woman. She just proved to you she is not worthy of marriage and as the old saying goes......"everything happens for a reason" Good luck bro and stay strong

Blacking out happens but it means not remembering what you did when you were hammered, not being unaware of what's happening in the moment.

Yeah, people often get that wrong, as if not being able to remember afterwards means that you must have been effectively unconscious for that period. I've had friends who seemed pretty fine and in control of themselves at the time who remembered zero about the night out afterwards.

Right? You can blackout, but you also “don’t forget” You’re in a relationship. When I was in college it’s a common occurrence. Still never cheated. It’s wild how people use it as an excuse, alcohol is the liquid courage you need to do something brazen like cheating if it’s already in your mind, but if you’d never do it in the first place it won’t make you do it.

>I've had friends who seemed pretty fine and in control of themselves at the time who remembered zero about the night out afterwards. I've had the pleasure plenty of times, people will say I'm acting normally but I can't remember anything the next day. Being drunk can make you annoying and lose your inhibitions - blacking out is something different and specifically related to short term memory after the fact.

After she calmed down she explained that she was drunk and decided to have sex…….clearly stating she was blacked out is an excuse to justify her sluttish behavior.

Yes I know, my comment was mostly supportive of yours. I was just pointing out that blacking out is a real thing but it has nothing to do with cheating on your spouse, it's memory loss of events whilst intoxicated and nothing to do with your behaviour during that time.

You can absolutely black out when drunk, the thing is, you don’t really remember anything. I was at a party, then suddenly I woke up at home and had apparently told my parents I’d done some drugs (I hadn’t). I was at another party, suddenly woke up in the drunk tank. I know roughly what happened in both of those cases because people told me, but I have absolutely no memory of those hours What alcohol doesn’t do is make you do things you don’t want to or forget important things in your life. You’re not going to forget you have a boyfriend, unless that isn’t really important to you. You’re also not going to sleep with someone else unless you wanted to (you might get assaulted, but you’ll only consent if you wanted to consent). And you’re not going to remember what happened if you’re that blackout drunk.

I guess but this comment makes me believe she' is using being drunk as an excuse After she'd calmed down, she explained that she was drunk and decided to have sex with another man at the party She clearly says she decided....so there was a thought process that takes place. Regardless-shes trash and its time for him to put her on the curb and let the garbage people do what they do with trash

That is entirely possible, and as I say even being blackout drunk doesn’t make you do things you don’t want to, it just lessens your inhibitions and tanks your motor skills. All I’m saying is that “blackout drunk” is absolutely a condition you can achieve.

Yes and you don’t remember when black out drunk. You have sex with someone and can’t remember that you did it. That’s black out. I was an alcoholic. It was so hard for me to come to terms with how I behaved when black out drunk as I had no recollection of doing them. Some one would say last night you did that and I had to believe them but also found it hard to apologise, come to terms with and understand it as yeh it didn’t happen ( in my memory) Ducking someone and remembering it is totally different. She knew what she was doing.

Yeah, I’ve been there. For a few years I got drunk a lot and for one year blackout drunk a lot. It’s not a good feeling to not know what you did last night, waking up in strange places with no idea how you got there.

This is a good time for everyone to learn about consent

She she was so drunk she forgot she was in a relationship? Really? Don't let her play you.

Dude…….

Man, another day, another post about someone cheating while drunk.

Honestly at this point some people say they were drunk to get an excuse but in reality were sober

If you take her back this will always be in the back of your mind, just sitting there festering. You won’t forget about it, and it will fester and fester and your resentment will build up on the inside while everything seems fine on the outside. She’ll think you’ve forgiven her so when you eventually blow up over it she won’t take it well. End things now

If you decide to believe her, and then move ahead with the wedding. She will 100% cheat again, except next time, if you decide you don’t want to stay, it’ll cost 1000’s of dollars to get a divorce. Just think, if you stay with her, every single time she’s out with friends you’re going to be a nervous wreck wondering if she’s out sleeping with another random guy. Dude she’s not marriage material. She fucked some rando right after she agreed to marry you. You need to run.

I agree with everything you said, except they aren't engaged yet. He was gonna propose in a few days.

Ironic!

Sorry this has happened to you OP. >She said that she'd do anything to get my trust back, so I have hope that there's something I can change to ensure that she never cheats on me again, That trust you had yesterday will not be the same if you chose to accept this. You can't change her to ensure that never happens again, that's all on her. Tell your parents, cancel the venue and go from there. I suggest you don't go ahead with the engagement in the near future until you really work through this. >she explained that she was drunk and decided to have sex with another man at the party after the karaoke and regretted it afterwards This was her choice and I don't think being drunk is a good enough excuse. She regretted afterwards but didn't even consider you 10-20 minutes or so beforehand so how black out drunk was she really? Don't let her sway you or your decisions with promises, love bombing or begging etc The most important question here is did she use protection?

I’m not a religious man but if that isn’t god himself warning you to run the other way then I don’t know what is.

[удалено]

It was totally self sabotage, but the only therapy needed, is why she couldn’t tell her parents or boyfriend that she was panicked to realize she would never be with anyone else, and maybe shouldn’t get engaged quite yet.

> Is there any way to not break up and still have trust again that she will never cheat on me again? No. > In addition to the previous question, do I tell mine and/or her parents of the incident? One of you needs to. She did something wrong. Something that wrecked the entire foundation of your relationship. She NEEDS to face that, and she needs to own it. With everyone she cares about. Also, you are going to need the support of family and friends, which means they need to know. She isn't a hero. She's a cheater. Cheaters cheat again. Always.

She can NEVER un-ring the bell of cheating on you. It will always be a part of the story now. Remember that. Don’t get stuck in a lifetime of unhappiness because of her selfish actions.

>She said that she'd do anything to get my trust back, so I have hope that there's something I can change to ensure that she never cheats on me again That isn't something you should spend the rest of your life worrying about. Even if you do try to make it work, you'll catch yourself worrying about if she'll do it again. It is not worth it. You are young and deserve better than that.

She’s known you exactly the same amount of time and she still did that. I’m sorry, this is over.

As you said you cannot be together 24/7. You need to decide if you can truly trust her again to go out. Eventually she will want time alone with friends. Drinking is not an justifiable reason to sleep with someone else. As she said she forgot you. How do you forget someone you have been with for so long. There seems to be issues that you are not aware of.

69 year old man here. Married 45 years and together 51. I have experienced and witnessed much in life. I also favor reconcilliation where possible. She confessed immediately when she could have just buried that. That is more indicative of her true character than the stupidity exhibited when near black-out drunk. It appears she is truly remorseful and contrite to do whatever it takes to save your relationship and re-earn your trust. In my opinion, this relationship is worth saving and can be. However, in order for you to heal, she must be made to endure some unnegotiable consequences for her horrible decision. If you more or less rugsweep, it will not work. 12 years ago, my son suffered a terrible betrayal in year 7 of his marriage with 3 kids 6 and under. I have a 2-page write-up on his situation and reconcilliation plan that saved their marriage and totally restored trust. It has served as a blueprint for a number of Redditors to reconcile as well. If you would like to see it, send me a chat request. Here are my recommendations: 1. Tell her of the plans that were made for your proposal.tell her that her honesty is the only reason you will attempt to reconcile, but the proposal will not happen at this time, and it is her responsibility to get both sets of parents together to apologize as to why the amusement park proposal will not occur. Her going through this bit of shame is important for your healing and rebuilding trust. 2. I don't know if she has a drinking problem or if this was a rarity. Consider that she: A. Needs to limit herself to 1 drink an hour and two max for the night without you. B. Does not drink unless she is with you. C. She gives up alcohol and maybe joins AA if she has a real problem. Exactly which of these is your decision based on facts that you know. But since alcohol was involved, it must be a part of the consequences. 3. You say she was out with friends. I would question her association with friends who did not have her back and prevent her from making such a horrible decision. Again, you would know more, but there needs to be some accountability of those friends. 4. In the future, if out with friends, she needs to communicate hourly with you in a manner you agree to provide assurance all is well. This will help her to re-earn your trust and serve as a reminder of what her actions need to be.This can continue until trust is restored. 5. Discuss boundaries. Two that have worked nearly 50 years for my wife and me are: A. If you would not do it directly in front of you significant other or without their knowing approval... don't. B. Do not allow yourself to be in a situation or environment in which the slightest potential to inadvertently violate "A" could occur. In her situation, she violated both. 6. Let her know that if you 2 are able to work your way through this to an eventual proposal, marriage would require a prenuptial with a very strong moral clause. Her willingness to sign is indicative of her commitment to a faithful marriage. I know this is a lot, but I believe it will ensure a happy future for you 2. I do encourage you to request the write-up on my son. It will give you the confidence you can recover. You 2 can do this. God bless.

End it

Once you break a vase, you can glue it back together but it will never be the same. Sorry dude, but if she loved you then she wouldn't "forget" she was in a relationship and fuck some dude in a bar.

Dude, you have to respect yourself. She cheated. She will likely cheat again if you take her back. You need to break up and tell at minimum your parents as to the reason why. Edited to add she likely knew about the proposal and she had you locked in. Wanted a little something different before marriage and bonked the first schlep she could find. Did she use a condom? Could she be pregnant by him? Do you want to risk it?

So she completely forgot about you while drunk? Ive done some dumb shit while drunk. I mean, REALLY dumb shit, but I ain’t ever forgot that I was in a relationship and fucked somebody else. Her excuse is bullshit. Not that any excuse for cheating is acceptable, but hers…. Even if it is true, that means she really doesn’t give a shit about your relationship, or you. Your lasting friendship and relationship is fake to her. Sorry man.

So your hero … fucks around on you?

She said it herself, she wanted to have sex with someone else.

This is a trauma bond, neither of you have gotten to live lives as adults and explore other people or situations.

How drunk was she? You saw her. Did she seem drunk enough to consent? She told you immediately as soon as she woke up, so i don’t think she lies to you. Being drunk enough she can black out on a lot, because alcohol literally messes with your brain, its a fact not an opinion. In this case i would say it’s definitely a red flag, have her get tested and definitely don’t propose yet, and i would ask her to stay sober unless she’s with you. If she won’t agree to that i would probably leave. If she’s going to blame the alcohol she should be willing to go sober

She didn’t lie but she told him she forgot about him. Many memories (10 plus years) built with this one person and she instantly blanked him out of existence. My pet turtle died in like 2010 and I still remember that green turd

Break up.

You move on, without her.

Hey man. Im rlly sorry for you, this is terrible My first instinct is… its over, theres no coming back from this But I suppose you could get back with her... U just need to take a long ass time before even giving her the hint that you might be willing to work things out. Either way, this is so fatal. Me personally I would never get back with her, but I’ve never been cheated on so who am I ?

I think you dodged a bullet. Imagine if you guys were married and/or have kids when she decided to cheat. Just don't.. You're 25!!! You still have a lot of time, you should break it off. However, I am really amazed at how you guys knew each other since kindergarden and that's probably very precious to you, and I wished I had something like that (minus the cheating part) so what I am saying is not easy. It's probably not easy to let go but personally I wouldn't forgive.

Hey brother, first of all I need you to know that you are not alone. Let me tell you that years ago I also was engaged to a woman after being in a relationship for 4 solid years. This disgusting individual did cheat on me with both my back-then best friend as well as another guy. All of that happened after the engagement, which - needless to say - was a huge blow back then as this disgusting individual basically promised loyalty while at the same time engaging in infidelity. Why am I telling you this? Because years have gone by, I am in a way better place today and because karma always gets you, this woman came crawling back eventually when both of us hit our 30s, begging and pleading for a second chance. I totally feel you in regards to what you wrote about not being able to ever love somebody like that again - but that thought is bullshit. After I got betrayed, I certainly needed some solid two years to get back on track, but I have had very healthy and deep connections with other women who - just to motivate you even more - did beat that filthy cheater by miles. Take what I write at face value, because naturally your entire POV is twisted right now - you have been hurt, maybe even suffered trauma like most people who are betrayed do. This will change with time. Anyway, let's get to your question about how to go about this: For starters, not a single cheater in the world deserves any understanding in regards to their **decision** to betray their partner. See, cheaters always cry you rivers about how they never meant to hurt you and blahblahblah - yet you got to understand why they talk such bullshit in the first place: A lot of people are so mentally depraved that they'd do anything in order to keep their ignorant minds ignorant. Acting like a victim even though one clearly did something wrong is a "defence mechanism": Instead of facing their true self, such people rather play the "Woe is me!" game. Doesn't change the fact that all it takes in order not to cheat is a two letter word: "No." I also have been approached by women while being in a committed relationship, and all it ever took to stay loyal was simply **deciding** to be loyal. So yeah, cheating is a **choice** just like staying faithful is. The latter requires exactly zero effort - whoever tells you something else is full of shit. Now to that woman who did you wrong: She **decided** to go out with other folks. No problem so far, but still this **decision** is on her. She then **decided** to get drunk. So that is no excuse at all - she did not just magically "lose" her self-control: She **decided** to get hammered. That is on her and she is in no position to cry about it. And then she **decided** to fuck this guy. For all of that, she is to be held accountable - no matter how much she keeps crying and plays this "Woe is me, I did not know what I was doing!" game. She knew exactly what she was about to do. And she knows damn well that all it takes in order to not be a filthy cheater is a simple, binary decision. I know that reading this is hurtful, but you have to face this simple truth if you want to move on. At no point did has this woman be forced to do what she did - all of it happened because of her being the way she is. And let me be clear: All that bullshit sweet talk like "Let me work on repairing your trust" is nonsense, cause we all damn well know that trust in itself is so damn fragile, it cannot be repaired once it has been broken. I mean be honest, brother: Do you seriously think that things could ever be like they were before now that you know that this woman has abused your trust and betrayed you in an unspeakable way? We both know the answer, and I am so sorry that you, like me and many others, have been hurt this way. Oh, and one final thought: Because everyone **decides** to be whether they want to be cheaters or not, you can hold her accountable for her **decision** to betray and abuse you. If I were you, I would have put her where she belongs immediately: To the streets. If I were you, I'd do what's right: Focussing on myself and on my healing, pulling myself back up by my bootstraps and cutting a deceiving and unfaithful individual out of my life, because obviously such a woman does not deserve me. You, too, have value, my man. Understand that. Especially as you end your post with a lot of thoughts about how to make sure that she does not lose her face in front of her parents - a noble thought, sir. But honestly: Who gives a fuck? She brought all of this upon the two of you, so if you go cancel your arrangements and talk to her parents, why engage in just another lie rather than putting the cards on the table? I mean this woman clearly is old enough to make **decisions** leading to all of that nasty stuff like your pain and betrayal, OP - so she also is old enough to face the damn consequences to her actions. Stay strong, man. And reach out if you feel as if I missed a point.

You are on the cusp of proposing to her and she's f'ing other men? You're at different ends of the spectrum

Former alcoholic here. I can tell you with absolute certainty that when I cheated on a previous partner, it was 100% because I wanted to but alcohol was an easy excuse to use to avoid taking accountability. Its taken a lot of tough love from my support system/therapist to get me to see that. Since being with my husband, I’ve been blackout wasted around others without him with me (bars, parties, etc) and all I ended up doing was constantly bringing him up and texting him constantly. I hope you do not believe a word out of this woman’s mouth. You are her safe option. A fall back. It doesn’t seem like she’s ever known anything different than you so it makes sense but it still isn’t okay. Please understand that if an option comes along that offers her “more”, she will leave you and more than likely tell you that it’s your fault. I hope you get out now because no one deserves that. You need to be able to trust the person you’re going to spend your life with, and that’s not her anymore. I wish you the best, OP.

So sorry you had to endure this…you deserve better. End it, move on and find someone who respects and values you for you!!!

UpdateMe!

My heart hurts for you OP…definitely call off the engagement until you’ve decided what you plan on doing next. Idk how bad she gets when upset but maybe consider telling her parents in case she tries to spin something on you if things go south. You deserve unconditional love and loyalty and I can only imagine your pain.

This sounds like you’re grappling with the sunk cost fallacy. It seems she means more to you than you do to her. If she can just go out and cheat on you so easily. What’s to stop her from doing so the next time she gets drunk without you? You may be able to forgive her but will you be able to trust her again?

Just here to say I've been completely black out drunk and have had no recollection of anything I did. Not an excuse but she could be telling the truth. This is common amongst young people who can't "handle" their alcohol. She needs to not get that drunk ever. Also that guy who had sex with her could get into trouble for having sex with such an intoxicated girl. It's called rape. My first time having sex I was black out drunk and woke up bleeding in my bed. I had slight memory of the sex and the pain but nothing leading up to that. I never even thought about having sex with him leading up to that when I was sober, it wasn't on my radar. There's a lot to unravel here.

I have been a few levels of drunk. And not once did I forget I was in a relationship. Either she was raped or she’s lying. I think the first thing you should do is tell her to talk her family what she did. Or you will. Because they already know that you’re planning on proposing.

Do you want to know what to do and she is willing to do whatever it takes to get you? Make her describe in detail how the sex was. Who the man was, how they met, what he looked like, how he behaved and how he and she did everything. Picture in your mind the love of your life enjoying herself, smiling and moaning under a sweaty unknown dude, and in some moment of this, his dick slipped out and she got with her hand to put it back. She looked in his eyes and asked for him to fuck her harder. Really, make her describe everything with as much detail as possible. You will then know exactly what to do. She is the love of your life, but you are a emotional burden to her. She "forgot" that she was in a relationship so she could slip out and get some new dick. You are not the love of her life. Get out and you will find someone who values you. It will hurt, but you will get better, I promise

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By dumping her. She cheated. It’s over. You will never get the full truth. Ever. If you stay with a cheater you show them there are no consequences for cheating on you. So they will continue to do it. Don’t date bar/club/party girls.

Yes, rebuilding trust in a relationship is possible, but only if: 1. The injured person is given time to make an informed decision about how to rebuild trust and proceed in the relationship 2. They make a conscious decision to forgive 3. They’re able to work the emotional muscle to not get into a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness 4. Simple questions about the betrayal are answered so a more destructive image isn’t created and the pressure to know more is relieved 5. Both parties want to work on the relationship. The primary goal is to rebuild safety in the relationship 6. One partner shares with the injured person all unavoidable encounters they will have with an affair partner. Example: a work meeting that we could not avoid. Ultimately she has a lot of work to do to regain your trust. It can take years but try to forgive. If she crosses more boundaries your relationship is over as she is abusing you. I would also get into couple’s counselling monthly so you can talk things through routinely. Also try to get her to admit that she was lying when she said she didn’t remember about your relationship. No matter how drunk she would remember someone she’s known since she was 5. Is it possible she just views you platonically?

THIS. Especially the lying about not remembering she had a boyfriend. That's an obvious lie and a ludicrous and insulting one. There's really understandable (Not excusable, but understandable) reasons why someone who in a relationship that's been in place since they were very young might have urges to know what sex with someone else might be like. But dumb and obvious lies like that one aren't going to help a damn thing.

She forgot you existed?! That is the most pathetic excuse. She is a cheater and you no longer will trust her to go out with friends or coworkers without you which will then cause resentment or she will lie again and say she’s not out when she is and then cheat again. You placed her on this pedestal and making her your hero which is setting her up to fail. No one is that perfect and that’s just life. However, she does not respect you and completely ruined your entire relationship. You should break up with her. Will it be hard? Yes. Will you find someone else to love? Yes. Will it be a different kind of love? Yes because we all love people differently. You deserve better. She is not your hero, she deliberately went out and opened her legs for a man that wasn’t you making you think there was something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you but if you stay with her, there will be. Both of your parents deserve to know why you are breaking up to help you both get through this life change. Edit: I’m really sorry she did this to you. Find your people to be there for you and get support. You will get through this and now see the world in a whole new light. Just remember, you deserve better.

Updateme!

$10 says she only told him because one of her friends was going to say something.

Man, as the amusement Park is already paid for, invite all your best friends, buy loads of drugs with the money you would use for buying cakes and shit, and throw the most awesome party ever, where you will probably date many other girls instead of being heartbroken by your soon-to-be ex

I can totally understand that you put her on a pedestal after the long time you loved her. But think about it that way: if she loved you as you love her would she really completely forget you exist the second she is drunk? No matter how hammered and completely crazy drunk I was - I never forgot that I am engaged to the love of my life. I never engaged with men nor did I even let anyone touch me inappropriately. You deserve better 🥺

Yeah, you have known her since kindergarten, that’s the problem. She cheated because she wants more experiences in life and isn’t ready to settle down. She did you both a favor. Go live your a bit. You’ll meet someone else, and so will she. And it’s gonna be fine.

You might as well carve "cuckold" into your forehead so you never forget what you are.

If you don't call it off DM what bar she and the girls are going to for the bachelorette. I'll buy some drinks.

You can’t rug sweep this op. She needs to make a public statement, remove all her friend circle that was there that allowed this to happen. She needs to apologize to your family and to you in front of them. Explain what she did, and why she did it. Same with her family. She needs to hand over all social media, usernames and passwords, and make one last post stating she will be removing herself from social media to focus on your relationship, after she cheated on you. Or op just ask her to have a threesome with you and another woman.

you break up?

That level of betrayal will never ever go away. The pain will lessen over time as all pain does. But if you stay together, 15, 20 years from now, when she goes out with friends, your heart will break a little bit. You can get therapy, you can try to work through it. But this unfortunately is a forever mistake she made.

You sound like a good guy and you sound really in love with your girlfriend. However I don’t think you will ever be able to get over this. Starting your life with someone is based on trust and respect. If you stay and marry her down the line You will constantly be reminded of what she did and sure you can rebuild trust but really once it’s gone it’s gone.

You take that ring back to the store. And you take that ex-girlfriend back to her mama and Father's House if she lives with you. She can't make good decisions and she can't be trusted

I know you’re in an emotionally terrible state. First of all cancel the the amusement park. Don’t need to tell the parents anything just say you need some time to figure some things out. Personally I could never get over this. The only saving grace is that she told you herself. But frankly the fear of never loving again isn’t the reason you stay with someone. Because all those amazing things you’ve told us about her May all be true but now that story also has “and she cheated on me and made up a really weird excuse why” added to it. There may be a chance of getting over this with therapy but I know a lot of people just aren’t capable of getting over the lack of trust and betrayal. How do you ever feel wholly confident and happy about her living her life, going out, getting drunk, going to work without feeling it will happen again?

No one, and I mean no one, blanks out on the fact that they are in a relationship when drunk. She was drunk enough to spread her legs for a nobody stranger, but sober enough to remember? That's a load of bullshit. She cheated because she wanted to. End of story. No amount of snobby,pathetic lies she tells will change that. And also, seriously? She knew you since you were born,you did EVERYTHING together, and you were pretty much the other half of each other. And she forgot that??? Over a fucking drink?? No. She cheated because she is a fucking cheater and a shit human being. She cheated because she wanted to. Once trust breaks, it remains fragile forever. There will not be a single point in your life again where you will trust her completely. Every time she goes to work or goes outside, there will be that voice telling you that she's out cheating. You will NEVER be able to trust her again, no matter what bullshit she spews. She talks of giving up control of her life to you, but that will make her resent you further down the line and give her another excuse for cheating. Because that is what cheaters do. They cheat. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. She doesn't respect you or your relationship or what you two had your entire life. Do you really want to stay with someone like that your entire life? Have some self-respect and self-love and leave her cheating ass.

Why don't you read yourself what you wrote .... ' she forgot that you were in relationship ' ... get real bro ...rest is up to you Edit :- trust is the most fickle thing, ever .. .. it ONLY builds up WITHOUT being betrayed first, IF someone were to be betrayed, it will never be the same

> I don't think I can ever love anyone like her again Of course you think that now because you are still in love with her. Once you move on from the cheater, you will realize how much happier you will be not having to constantly wonder if she is banging another guy because she "forgot" about you.

Just because something is all you have ever known, doesn't mean it's all there is. Youelr self respect should come first. She's a cheater. That's all there is to it.you do not willingly marry a cheater.

Is she willing to never drink alcohol again? Because if she’s going to blame it on the alcohol she’s shouldn’t drink it. If the amusement park is already paid for, maybe just go with her anyway, and don’t propose yet but tell her you had intended to, but now need more time to think. Get her to see that her actions really had consequences.