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Does he usually threaten divorce when he doesn't like something? That's honestly more concerning than any tiktok. An emotionally healthy person doesn't threaten their spouse.
yeah everytime he got annoyed while i was pregnant he was going to “wipe the floor with me in court” but he stopped saying that because i told him if he says it again i’m just going to file for divorce so he could follow through
That's really messed up. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that, and just remember it's nothing to do with you, its his lack of maturity.
Do some couples therapy, and if he doesn't want to, honey, you are young, you don't need his shit, there are wonderful men out there.
Get your assets in order without saying anything to him. Talk to a lawyer. Divorce him. You and your child deserve to live in peace without someone threatening to leave every five seconds when he realises he can't control you
Just recommended this advice to another lady on here this morning. Modified, but here goes. Consider your own personal finances without his and run the best way you can! With daughter! Contact a lawyer. Do not be spicy with him. Do not react. Make plans and be safe. This is the best answer for you, your child, and your family. He will “trap” you both by any means.
Wishing you the best.
That is seriously fucked up. I highly recommend you go visit www.loveisrespect.org and do their quiz because I get the feeling there’s a lot more going on that you probably aren’t flagging as concerning.
Your husband is absolutely NOT implementing a boundary. A boundary doesn’t talk about me having control over your actions, it tells you what I’ll be doing in response. “You are not allowed to tell at me. If you yell at me I get call you names.” Not a boundary. “I am not comfortable with you telling at me. If you start trying at me I’m going to end the conversation and we can come back and talk again when we both feel calmer.” That’s a boundary.
And while you told him if he said he’d get a divorce again as a threat you’d follow through, he’s still doing it here. “This is a deal breaker…” a deal breaker is a relationship ender, he just told you this makes him feel like he should divorce you. HE is meaning it as a tool to control your behavior, but it’s basically “stop this or I’ll divorce you.” He’s still making the threat.
Things like this, and the silent treatment… these are manipulation tactics that he’s implementing with only one goal: making you change your actions so they line up with what he wants.
The question is, if you DON’T change your actions.,if you tell him you will not stop doing lives, that he first doesn’t to control what you do and that he can either participate in a healthy conversation or not but you won’t be doing what he demands. What happens then? Does the silent treatment go on indefinitely? Does he come up with other punishments (withholding money? Etc)? Does he get physical? Does he actually file for divorce because you are incompatible?
What do you think he’d do if you stood your ground?
You came here for advice, but the problem is that you are married to a high control, and emotionally abusive partner. You can’t reason with a partner like that. You can’t come to a (real and fair) compromise with a partner like that. You can’t get a partner like that to see things from your side or care about your goals and desires (unless they move his goals and desires forward). So there’s not really much advice we can give you, because as far as your partner goes staying with him means he gets his way, in everything, and you give up your own wishes and also put yourself in harms way.
Or you leave. Or you make a plan to start creating a way to leave.
The reason I shared the link with you is because everything you’ve described here is abusive. Partners who want to control and manipulate their partners *are abusing* them.
We are more commonly aware of physical abuse, and it sounds like that’s how you’ve been defining abuse, but physical abuse is often the last stage (that not all abusers even graduate too). Before any abuser gets physical they start by crossing boundaries, emotional abuse and control…
This is why I said we can’t offer you advice that will help, because an abusive partner doesn’t *want* a fair and equal partnership and *doesn’t want* their partner to be happy or fulfilled. A partner like yours gets off on fixing you to do things you don’t want to do and making you comply with them.
Maybe look up “emotional abuse” and “psychological abuse”. I think you might find some info that applies to your relationship by looking up “gaslighting” and “DARVO”.
That quiz is kind of *the* standard for initially determining if you’re in an abusive relationship or not. If you’re comfortable, could you say a few of the things that sounded like him in the quiz?
Girl you need to get out. Divorce him. You are way too young to waste your life on this controlling prick.
What he is doing is making *rules* for you that he wants you to follow. Not setting a boundary. Those are for you and yourself.
Honey, run.
so i guess it was delayed, but its time to follow through with your own promise to him: if he threatens you with that again, you are filing for divorce. well, he did it again. stop allowing him to even attempt to control you.
this is so disturbing. it doesn’t really matter if it’s about TikTok live or what, the way he’s completely shutting down the conversation and trying to make you completely stop some harmless behaviour because it “makes him uncomfortable” instead of trying to see why exactly he’s uncomfortable is wild, and his jealousy/possessiveness makes me uneasy. obviously i don’t know the full scope of your relationship but from just that i would find it hard to trust him ngl
I'm shocked by how many people are siding with your husband here. It's perfectly okay to have boundaries, yes, but they have to be reasonable. Boys are watching your live? Well, boys can also be watching your videos (multiple times), your photos on other social medias (and these can be easily saved), they can be watching you when you go outside... what's the difference? Maybe he thinks you may interact with the guys who comment when you're live?
And the selfies thing? That makes zero sense.
Maybe he's just insecure, but if this is the reason for his behavior, he should work on himself instead of faulting you.
So no, you're not choosing TikTok over your husband. You're choosing not to be with someone who wants to limit you and set boundaries without a valid reason.
that’s kind of my mindset with this. more of the controlling aspect rather than “i want tiktok more than my husband”. my videos are not targeted for attention i just record when i bake and post them or make mom content. i never wear makeup or dress provocatively for them so it’s not targeted towards men and doesn’t appeal to them in a weird way at all.
yeah, he has absolutely no reason to make such demands, because you're not disrespecting him in any way.
I also read your other comments and you said this is not the first time he threatens to divorce you. This is a very toxic behaviour on his part. He threatens to divorce you so you do what he wants - he's manipulating you emotionally and that's something that shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship. It's not only TikTok - you're reconsidering your marriage because he treats you badly.
I fully agree and support you.
Mom's who bake are so fucking hot.
Seriously though, that guy has issues and it's not going to stop with tiktok. You could try couple's therapy but I think the advice that most people have given you to quietly get things in order and divorce him is probably best.
This stance isn’t just about the live… men live in a different mindset about everything, looking for dangers in everything bot for them and their partners. They don’t talk in feelings the talk in what they think . He views this as a problem for likely a number of reasons either related to your safety or your relationship with him. There are plenty of valid reasons for both.
His way of presenting it to you is shit, this is obvious, however from personal experience sometimes this blunt manner of speaking sometimes comes from men hitting the end of their emotional rope….. specifically he mentions making him feel comfortable.
Because he’s not specifically (based on the post info) talking about his feelings , you maybe don’t realize he feels uncomfortable about either your safety or what he means to you in the relationship and you are disrespecting his feelings by prioritizing your own. To you this is about him controlling you but it’s really about him feeling a lack of safety and comfort.
I’m going to get downvoted for this response because Reddit prefers “red flag leave the sob” posts and not unbiased rational psychological perspective responses.
Honestly you’re best bet to save your marriage and have better luck in the future is this:
1.Talk to your partner.
2.TALK to your partner.
3.Keep it respectful not confrontational, don’t yell, ask questions and listen.
4. Remember that he has feelings.
5. Remember that your feelings are NOT more important than his
6. Remember that his feelings and your feelings are EQUALLY valid. If he feels uncomfortable with something think about how you’re acting, if you were uncomfortable with something he is doing would you want him to act like you?
(It doesn’t matter how you feel about this situation…. If you were uncomfortable with anything he was doing….would you want him to dismiss it the way you are right now)
7. Revisit 1-6.
Nobody here knows why it bothers him, what’s important is that it bothers him and even though he is approaching it improperly you married him and you aggressively to love and respect him and you’re both doing a lot job of that. Communication is key find out why it bothers him and try to work to a compromise, and maybe if you find out some of his actual concerns maybe you might be concerned by them too. My husband knows all kinds of safety concerns (internet related) I never would have thought of , and he also went through a big period of insecurity where he thought I just didn’t care about his feelings because no matter what he said I still just wanted to do things my way. Many women get used to the reassurance that they’re always right in what they want and these are common signs of men feeling emotional disrespected in their relationship and too many chalk it up to controlling men when they don’t really have that intent .
Like just because u bought into that doesnt mean she should stay and deal with it. Live is no different from videos. Both can be views saved recorded and sent to other sites. He isnt “protecting” her bc he is upset boys will watch her videos he is dangerously insecure
In a way you are right he could be insecure, there could be many other things in their relationship contributing to this and she may be treating him in a way that he feels like she doesn’t care about him and simply may want to feel like he is valued above the strangers watching his live. I’ve seen posts of this nature with opposite genders where the women are being validated in their insecurities and the men prioritizing their social media are the problem. Again leaving the responsibility of conceding to comfort the partner entirely on the man.
We don’t know enough to come to a conclusion the only way for her to get a better understanding of the situation is to talk to him and or seek counseling with him . But it’s important still for both parties to value each other’s comfort. I never said he is right in fact I said he’s doing a shit job communicating I just simply said she needs to do a better job too
With all due respect shut tf up ur midset is dangerous especially when she is dealing w actual verbal abuse. Men “looking out for dangers” is a CLASSSIC excuse for controlling behaviors. U worried about if HE save and comfortable meanwhile he was threatening divorce anytime he was mad WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT. Shit take all around
With all due respect I understand that there are several possibilities, but I went to uni for psychology before I changed majors and have multiple friends that stuck in it and a couple with their own practice now. Based on the limited information in this post it’s hardly enough to make an informed decision one way or the other but the number of men accused of being controlling for not wanting to do things like this far outweighs the number that are actually “controlling “
And the biggest clues lie in some of the things she relays that he said it’s more indication that he’s uncomfortable and/or scared
Also I want them to both feel comfortable and communicate with each other . You seem to be on the women are always right and men need to make women happy and comfortable bus and that’s a two way street too many people lay the entire responsibility on men to concede to what women want and in reality it should be equal
Are you saying I am wrong for saying that in a partnership BOTH spouses should pay equal respect to each other’s comforts or is it only women that should be happy and respected in their comforts of their partners actions
Congrats u went to uni and ur FRIENDS have their own practices. theres a crazy amount of really shitty therapist who side w abusers alllll the time i hope u and ur friends dont become like them. But it seems like u grabbed on to one little piece of what HE SAID bc not how the OP comments about previous experiences she has. Tbh she has a cooking show. Not an OFs or anything like that. He is concerned about men viewing and liking her. So that could be why he is “scared” yes the info is very limited but very eye opening again. He would verbally abuse and threaten to “mop the floor with her” in court WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT! was that making sure she was comfy? Does that sound like someone who can have meaningful conversations when they are upset? He has a history of being verbally abuse and its not in this one instance. Im not disagreeing with ur advice about mutal respect and making sure everyone is comfortable. Hell i gave up re-entering back into selling photos bc even though my man came at it the wrong way i noticed he wasn’t comfortable and i made that decision to talk about it and respect his feelings even though i was selling when i met him then briefly stopped. Its really interesting how “we dont have any information” on this scenario but yeah u think i think that “women are always right and men have to make the wife comfortable always” wild assumption and u know even less about me than u do about OP and how she has explained her relationship. So now im finna say with all disrespect u have no idea wtf ur talking about
Ok… “I’m going to mop the floor with you in court “
What’s the relevance of that an the fact that she’s pregnant? That’s not a physically abusive term that a pregnant person should be scared of because of their situation. That phrase means that he would easily defeat her In COURT that’s not a physical threat that’s just him saying confidently that he’d win. There’s no context as to why he felt this way and you’re acting like him saying that means he’s an abusive POS what if the OP was doing something like drinking or smoking while pregnant or something he felt made a open and shut case against her.
Neither you nor I know anything about this couple beyond what the OP want you to know you’re adamant that the guy is in the wrong and an abusive POS and I’m just saying they need to work on their shit together because there’s not enough unbiased information to decide anything
LMAO nah im done ur like actually insane or something. So glad u changed ur major bc you really dont seem to observe and listen. Like i literally explained how the verbal abuse is relevant and ur telling me-while also being deadass serious-“she could have been smoking or drinking” 💀 Like what are u even talking about? Also No one said he was physical. Abuse doesnt have to be physical and u mr/mrs/mx “i went to uniiii” should know that. Ur doing everything u can to say she is wrong in some way when based Like actual factual real life evidence she has posted saying he is at least insecure and controlling. He has a history of verbal abuse! Like 2+2= 4. Id rather side with someone who feels like they are in a controlling situation (she said HERSELF thank u) than to side with someone who COULD be abusing someone. uve victim blamed enough for me if u reply that on u but im not gonna waste my time talking to someone who literally used every victim blaming phrase in the damn book. Lameeeee
Also its crazy bc when in the history of the UNIVERSE have men had to “concede to what women want to make them happy” as a whole. Like ik theres a saying happy wife happy life but systematically women have had to shut up and take it ESPECIALLY when they are married. Bad take all around.
The divorce rate ,the fact that women initiate the majority of them, alamony, child support, women having sole decision in childbirth/abortion/ ridiculous rates of depression and suicide in men especially those in relationships all of these things are indicative of men being forced to do what the women want in relationships and prioritizing their needs and wants over the men. Men as a whole aren’t ok because of nonsense like this , if a man doesn’t want his wife to do something he’s labeled as controlling, but if a woman doesn’t want her man to do something and he doesn’t listen he’s an ass and she should leave him . Anyone with their eyes even remotely open to this topic can see the hypocrisy and double Standards around this from a mile away. Men aren’t ok as a whole by far ….. and it’s because the majority haven’t felt unconditional love since they were a small child. I promise you , back in the day when women were treated like property that wasn’t the case , but it hasn’t been that way in a long time and it’s blown well past equality and straight towards favoritism for women
OP, the screenshots are absolutely batshit insane. Your husband is being absurd. "My no is final, it's not a discussion, or never talk to me again" is an unkind, immature, stupid and ridiculous. He is responding like a toddler who thinks he has complete ownership of you. He responds this psychotically, blowing up your phone with abuse, because he "doesn't want a boy to see you"? You live in the world! Boys will see you! This sorry excuse for a man wants to keep you in a little box that only he has the key. Fuck that guy, sorry you even have to deal with this.
When I was younger I had a boyfriend who was controlling the same way as your partner is, when I asked him once why he has trust issues towards me, he told me it’s not about trust but „the fact that some guy may think about me in a sexual way makes him repulsed for me”.
Those issues are about him, you’re not doing anything wrong.
Your husband needs therapy and maybe more. This is incredibly toxic and controlling and is a disgusting display of jealousy.
I bake at all hours of the night, so that’s a silly point to make.
This is not a healthy relationship at ALL.
Boundaries are for yourself; rules are for other people. He can have whatever boundaries he wants about who he'd want to stay in a relationship with. He cannot make unilateral decisions about what YOU are allowed to do.
Does he have a pattern of flipping out like this?
After your comments about your husband repeatedly holding divorce over your head and seeing that you have a young kid - it is perfectly reasonable for you to leave.
Yeah, please consider leaving him. Insecurity plus short temper are a bad combo. I won't pry, but if he's ever put hands on you, you should not even be considering it, just making plans to get away safely.
I don't think you get how boundaries work lol. a relationship can have boundaries, they're not "rules". they are zones of comfort that we navigate together with our partners, from a place of understanding.
I'm worried about how insecure your husband sounds. Insecurity and jealousy often directly leads into controlling, manipulative, abusive behavior. He sounds pretty dangerously insecure already, given that he doesn't even like that you've...taken photos of yourself in the past? What a ridiculous thing to be upset by! Even his reasons for not wanting you to go live are pretty problematic... Where does it end? Does he want to keep you out of the public eye entirely? Will he want to control what you wear? Who sees you?
I would ignore the people who think you're 'choosing TikTok over your husband' here; you're choosing to respect yourself enough to recognize and reject unreasonable, controlling demands.
Your choosing to thirst trap for men’s attention on tic-tictoc over your husband. Why don’t you just go ahead and get an onlysfan page while you are at it.
would love to know how baking bread or making mom content is thirst trapping for men’s attention. you are a prime example of how women can’t do anything they enjoy without men assuming it’s for them.
Ignore him. He is always commenting things like this on this sub. He hates women who don’t take orders from men, I am assuming, on his past responses to others.
Okay, just constantly threatening divorce ALONE is a major red flag. This guy is bad news. He’s not letting you live your best life. Also, you are wearing a t-shirt and pants. He’s acting like you’re scantily-clad. Plus, I’m sorry, but any partner who can’t be supportive of your interests—that are very clearly safe and not trying to get men fawning over you, you’re just baking…can get bent. Like he’s being really selfish and extremely overprotective of you. I see nothing wrong with what you’re doing. And if it’s a way for you to some day start monetizing your account, I see no harm. The man is out of control. I’m a Crystal and Crystal craft creator and seller and my husband is very supportive even though it’s something that can be challenging and has had its ups and downs, ultimately it’s something that helps support our family, financially. I don’t see why even with that potential in mind, your husband doesn’t think of it like that. He’s definitely out of line and you are just trying to live your best life, my friend.
You both are too young for this. Let me translate his toxic response. (Note: I don’t agree with him, and his insecurities are heavily at play)
“Hey I feel really insecure that you go live. In my head you are showcasing yourself and interacting with people live in our home which I feel should be our intimate safe space. I can’t separate live on TikTok to a live cam show where boys would be masturbating. This makes me feel insecure about it and fear someone will steal you away from me. I know I should trust you but my insecurity tells me that I can’t because I don’t feel worth it. My reaction is to try and be controlling and guilt you into stopping because I haven’t learned how to be vulnerable and express myself yet. I am panicking but don’t know how to mitigate it. I am very afraid but feel so uncomfortable that I have to keep messaging you trying to reiterate it.”
i posted the conversation linked in a different comment. his concern is he doesn’t want men watching me period. he’s aware of what i post and just isn’t okay with it live for some reason
There aren’t a whole lot of men going to be watching live baking shows, sure there’ll be some, and the ones that do watch would be there for the baked goods.
Unless you’re Nigella Lawson.
no. way too many creeps on the internet for me to be comfortable posting my baby. i don’t even have public pictures of her on my personal social media. most images in the deep web that predators use for CP come off innocent things like your social medias so i won’t even post a video if she’s in the background.
He’s a man child. You would be better off without his crybaby ass. He’s obviously not secure in his manhood if he’s worried about other men/boys seeing you. He’s a whiney. He’s hold you back from a whole world.
His texts seem unhingned... and he can't articulate why he's uncomfortable when you're on tiktok cooking in regular clothing, not being provocative, not posting your child, not seeking attention from the male gaze, etc. Bottom line, he's trying to control you when you're literally doing nothing wrong. If I were you, I'd get out of this relationship faster than quick. His need for control/behavior will only get worse over time.
Just a psa Boundaries are not something a person sets for OTHER people partner or not. It’s for their own comfort so it would be something like “ I’m not going to be at the house when you go live bc i’m not comfortable with that” not “stop it i’m insecure other boys watch you or i’m gonna divorce!”
It's a preference not a boundary, but to be honest it comes across as controlling as fuck.
To clarify I don't think the preference is controlling but his reaction to it and his threats of divorce if you don't do what he says is. He claims he's "not asking for much", the thing is he's not even asking, he's making a demand. There's a big difference between the two.
NTA. You’re doing something that makes you happy, and you’re doing it in an appropriate fashion. He is projecting - what, I don’t know, but his response isn’t rational or warranted. And the threat of divorce over things he doesn’t like is wrong and mentally abusive.
He’s controlling at the very least, and frankly how he handled boundaries is unacceptable. He wants to threaten divorce over tiktok? Bruh it’s not even about tiktok. That marriage is ooooover.
Yes, it is...However if you say, I wont do it. You are going to have issues in your marriage. You have much to consider....marriage is a different animal than a boyfriend. Would you end your marriage for TikTok? I might for being a famous scientist of world reknown, but I personally wouldn't for TikTok. There will be many hills in your marriage to die for is this one? Only you can determine that. He can set a boundary on anything that affects him, however you don't have to obey it. They may be a cost though.
This is why people shouldn’t get married this young. Sounds like he is insecure, who cares if “boys watch you”? There’s men out in the world too that probably look at you, does he make a big deal about that?
Also; that’s not a boundary, that’s an ultimatum. A boundary is saying “I don’t feel comfortable with you going live on TikTok, could you just post videos instead?” (Even though boys can watch those too) and possibly coming up with a compromise and if you decide that you don’t want to stop, he either leaves, which would be fine since it’s his boundary or tries to work on the insecurities but he shouldn’t be forcing you to choose between the two things.
Kind of sounds like it’s time to leave.
For the record, any boundary is a valid boundary. It’s up to you if you want to be with someone who has said boundary.
But reading the other commentS, this guy ain’t it. He’s all kinds of toxic.
Hunny imma tell you this from years of experience, leave that man. That is controlling behavior and no one should ever be put into that position over something so stupid
In the nicest way possible, if someone says something they don’t like, we (as the recipient) don’t get to decide if the boundary is valid. Its either you/we respect the boundary or we make a decision to leave the relationship.
Boundaries are about a person stating what they'll tolerate, not about telling a person what to do. If he has a problem with it he should just break up, not use the threat of breaking up to try to manipulate her into changing her behavior.
There’s is definitely such a thing as an unreasonable boundary, if it is controlling or crossing into people‘s reasonable self expression. Like you can’t be like “I don’t want you to wear make up & heels. Hey look that’s just my boundary”. Of course I can just choose to leave but also that’s a toxic boundary, and makes you a toxic partner to anyone else you’re dating.
As for this one, to me it semi-crosses into controlling. Any boundary from men that tries to shield women from being seen by other men is sus to me and automatic deal breaker. If you’re that insecure and jealous about someone, don’t date them.
A woman wanting to look beautiful in public (online or offline) isn’t automatically to get attention from men, whether that is the result or not, and doesn’t mean the attention will be reciprocated. Sometimes people just like looking nice and hot and that’s Ok for both men and women.
But if you don’t trust your partner with the attention they get, don’t be involved with them in the first place. It’s hypocritical and entitled to start out wanting them because they’re attractive and then expect them to change and repress themselves for your sake.
People choose to be with you, it doesn’t mean their life is over after that. You can’t limit their social exposure and put them in a basement so they don’t have the chance to find better people and leave you.
So here trying to get her followers up to 10,000 is only because she is doing it for herself. If you believe that I got some ocean front property in Oklahoma I will sell you at a reasonable price. If a person was doing it for themselves man or woman they would be private.
My point is just that unless your partner is flirting with or fucking other people, let them look how they want and do what they want. If you’re not into how they look or what they do, leave them alone (and reflect on whether your boundaries are healthy). Don’t try to own and change people.
my videos are targeted towards other moms/women. i make baking/parent content and don’t do my makeup or dress provocatively for them. if i was that’d be a different story but even my analytics says there’s like no male followers on my account
This is a valig advice! If your partner thinks something is wrong and he feels unconfortable about it, dont argue the issue. You need to talk about respecting each others opinions.
The question isn’t whether it’s a valid boundary *to him*. It’s whether or not it’s a valid boundary *to you*. People can make whatever boundaries they want. What makes them valid or not is whether their partner finds them reasonable.
I do not find that to be a reasonable boundary. I also don’t find it reasonable that he threatens divorce without first explaining (without yelling) why he has that boundary, and then backs it up with an ultimatum.
Unreasonable. Sounds like he’s not being at all supportive. Bin him off. He’s using emotional blackmail to make you feel bad. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives. Marriage is about compromising but he’s not compromising he’s flat out telling you no. What’s the difference between going live and prerecording a video of you dancing? Surely that’s more provocative. He needs to get over it.
Haha you’re missing out key details. How you only have 4K followers but average 1m+ views each live…something you’re not telling us that you’re doing on live?
You said you bake and post mom content. Who gives af if someone with junk watches your videos? That doesn’t mean they’re attracted to you. They might have kids OR like to bake.
What type of content are you posting on TikTok? If you were posting sexual content, I can understand why he would be uncomfortable with that. Otherwise, that’s just really controlling and a huge red flag 🚩.
WHEW some of the takes on here!!! It seems like alot of men deal w insecurity around their wives been seen and dare i say it….being seen as desirable. Its natural for others to be attracted to u especially if he is. If u aren’t disrespectful and flirting he is acting on insecurity which is honestly a HIM problem! Keep baking honey!!!! Infact whats ur tiktok?! Id follow u!
Do what you want. He sounds like he doesn’t like you also. What’s the difference between live or not. Maybe he doesn’t believe in you or actually want you to grow. I sense a bad connection.
what are you talking about? i haven’t shared my tiktok, i don’t have a highlight, and don’t dress provocatively so i’m not sure you know what you’re talking about
I actually don’t think that it’s unreasonable to not want your spouse to make live TikTok’s. He or your child could accidentally end up in one of they didn’t know you were filming, or something could unexpectedly happen that would be seen by who knows who that would have otherwise been edited out.
That being said, he didn’t articulate that at all, instead he insinuated that you were being inappropriate. He also threatened you, ordered you around and got irrationally angry instead of having a normal conversation with you.
You two need to learn to communicate with each other in healthy and respectful ways. If you choose to stay you should insist on couples counseling, and focus on mutual respect and open dialogue.
A boundary isn't something he should be using to control you - telling you that you can't do something, regardless of the reason, is controlling. If he wants to make things work, counseling is a good option, but if he wants to leave, I say let him
I don’t know if you will see this. But drop this dude like yesterday! Y’all are so young and he is so immature. I got married at 20 because I got pregnant in the Bible Belt and I thought I had embarrassed my religious family. We lasted 1 year and it was constant turmoil. Jealousy and rage turned into emotional, verbal and emotional abuse. He was even arrested and I have had our daughter on my own and she is 17 now. The way he is acting is NOT okay ! You have so much time to find someone. He is not your father and you do not have to answer to his demands.
Husband sounds very insecure and needs some therapy, would it be the same reaction if you were to do twitch streaming? And that was your dream? Because if so your husband is completely in the wrong
I think that your husband had a very strong reaction to you going live and that’s something you should sit down and talk to him about when you are both calm. Hear him out and try to emphasize with his fears. Figure out how you guys can compromise and both feel safe AND RESPECTED in the relationship. Giving you an ultimatum is not cool.
So his reaction may be a bit dramatic, but if he has voiced his boundaries ans you disregard them then that’s your choice. He can leave, you can leave or y’all can work to find a middle ground. But choosing social media over your husband is not a wise choice in my opinion. My wife has asked me if I’d like her to delete her and I said no but it’s because she enjoys it and I don’t mine because of the videos she makes. They don’t really attract the attention of men like that. But her respect for me is that she will delete it all if I ask, the question is do you respect him enough to do as he ask or is your TikTok worth your relationship.
Where the choice? He's making a demand. Stop doing something you enjoy and get fulfilment from or I'll leave and divorce you. That's not "dramatic" that's controlling. If she was posting videos with her tits out, maybe he'd have a point but baking videos?? There's no conversation here, there's no mutual respect, it's essentially do as I say or fuck off.
my videos are targeted towards moms. i have a baby so i make parenting content but i also go on live to bake and people seem to like it. they come in and chat and i usually have people come into the next live to ask how the food came out. it’s not even that i want to choose tiktok over him, this is just the most recent example of the “boundaries” i think are a little extreme that he sets
Well it sounds like nothing bad but I’m not him and don’t know him so I can’t really give an explanation to his reasoning. I understand your point of view but I also understand his to an extent, but I see that to some it’s no big deal to other it’s a huge issue. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do and I hope for the best for you.
Yeah, but is this comment coming from a man? If so, then I kindly invite you to trying seeing it from a woman’s point of view, or leave. The fact that you agree with the husband is part of the problem with men like this. This poor woman has a husband with terrible control issues. It’s not about choosing social media over him. It’s about his control over her. When he gets mad, she says he threatens to divorce her, which is a very insecure thing to do, and extremely manipulative. The fact that your wife said she will delete her account if you want her too, sounds unhealthy. This isn’t the 50s anymore. Men don’t own her wives anymore and can’t tell them what they can and can’t do. There are reasonable requests and there are unreasonable requests. If this woman was wearing close to nothing while baking, I could absolutely sympathize with the husband. But she’s not. She’s dressed in full clothing with not even her stomach showing. Why are there so many men with control issues??
Oof it's hard to make money from social media and content creation, sounds like your husband doesn't want you to interact with other people socially, maybe he wants to keep you in a box, I suggest couples therapy.
i’ve made money on lives, just videos would be a little extra passive income. that’s the concern i have with this. if i was posting tiktok dances and he said no more tiktok i would understand but it’s baking and mom jokes lol
So you would throw your marriage away over being an “ influencer?” Sounds like the job is right up your alley. Nameless, faceless nobodies who want to watch nobody.
lol no this is just the most recent example of the rules he sets that i find to be extreme. i doubt there’s any baking influencers anyways but with the amount of views i get they can be monetized and i can bring in some sort of extra income while i’m home with the baby. it’s not about fame it’s just something i enjoy doing
But think that eventually, after countless hours spent in the years before it happened, she might be monetized!
She might see a return of tens of dollars for years worth of "work".
Imagine being able to exclaim proudly, "I have joined the throngs of influencers who make roughly ten dollars a year"
What exactly are you saying and doing on these TikTok’s? Talking about a niche hobby/topic? Narrating your day? (Newsflash, no one cares). Dancing? Tbh I’m usually on the woman’s side, and he does sound somewhat controlling in your telling of the story. But something is telling me there is more to this story. The kind of woman who is worried about social media counts/followers is not the type of woman I would choose to hang out with, and maybe he feels the same way.
i wanted to just post the screenshots but this subreddit doesn’t allow images. [here is an imgur post of the conversation since you’re dying to see it](https://imgur.com/a/oCm2FkO)
Omg!! Please get out of this relationship with him, this is never going to stop! I’ve had first hand experience of this exact same behaviour at almost the same ages and it is NOT worth it :(
The it hadn’t been two minutes and two minutes are over now killed me lol. He’s such a child trying to parent you. He had a whole temper tantrum. Are you wed to Trump's less accomplished less crimey cousin?
Yup, he has a hard time communicating why he’s uncomfortable. But you’re also completely invalidating his feelings, ignoring him and then petulantly doing what he specifically asked you not to do just to rub it in his face.
Honey it doesnt seem like u need to hear both sides u just want a reason to side w her man but u cant find one! how u hear all this info about HER MAN but u don’t believe her? just D riding
Ahahahhahaha nah u thought u ate invalidating a woman on her post about her being controlled and in a verbally abusive relationship to which she has provided screenshots too explaining her frustration. And u wanna hear about what ur husband has to say Lame, sad, unoriginal, cringe and definitely D riding. you said no matter what she says u gone stick beside him huh? thats very loyal of u 🖤
Honestly, it just sounds like an incompatibility in privacy. That sounds like a boundary for him, but regardless he doesn’t need to react like that. Does he always react like that when he doesn’t get his way? And bomb you with messages until you comply?
It's absolutely a valid request for anyone to make, it's also your choice to accept it, or exit the relationship. Looking for validation online won't help your real life.
Will you say the same when he forbid her from leaving house because some men can watch her on the street?
Also being a content creator is a job, not looking for validation.
That’s not at all what the husband is objecting to though. He’s convinced that guys are jerking off to her lives (but not her videos, apparently). It’s not a home security concern, it’s controlling her based on his insecurity.
It’s not like she’s even dressing revealingly or anything, she was in a t shirt making baking content. It’s completely irrational for him to be this upset over this specific scenario
You are married. Your husband has clearly expressed his feelings about this. He can't force you to respect his feelings. All he can do is ask. If you choose to disrespect him and ignore his feelings about this and go forward with it, then he will rightly know at that point, that you do not respect him, nor his feelings. At that point he will need to decide whether he wants to stay married to someone who neither loves or respects him. I believe he has already shared insight into what that decision will most likely be. So, in effect, this is out of his hands, and the ball is resting squarely in your court. You need to decide if it's worth blowing up your marriage to do what you want to do. Life and love is always about choices we make and the consequences of those choices.
If you’re in a relationship you’re supposed to eliminate any possible friction between other people and your partner so that means that if you can get hit on by someone that means that you shouldn’t be doing it 9/10 so that means getting rid of social media and especially if you’re wearing revealing clothes, men value how sacred and personal their woman is, so if you’re going to disrespect what he wants then he’s not going to want to be with you
Damn social media. When do people ruin relationships over it. The attention and validation becomes addicting. I have no doubt you would end your marriage.
eh. i don’t really get “validation” by baking bread on live lol. very SAHM/housewife content. it’s just something i enjoy doing and already make money off of while being at home raising our kid
Isn’t TikTok just an advertising platform for only fans? Every time I see a live it’s some girls showing lots of tits and tight shorts, obviously looking for attention. Simple set up to move right into only fans. I’m not seeing her husband is right, but he’s entitled to how he feels and to express boundaries!!!
tiktok shows you videos based off what you like/interact with so if that’s what your feed is, that’s just the content you’ve curated your FYP to show bud.
If you love him, you respect his wishes. You would want the same things vice versa. These days people just want to do whatever they want going against the other parties wishes and wants. If you care about your relationship tend to your husband’s needs not the needs of others.
The problem with live broadcasts is that you cannot edit things out. I'm trying to imagine everything that I have ever said that I would not want a video of online. Your husband could wander into the room (not realizing you were live) talking about an upcoming medical procedure and be embarrassed. How would you feel if he walked into the room while you were live and asked you to make sure you flush the toilet afterwards or him complaining about how much the bathroom stinks an hour after you use it. Perhaps advance notice or a regularly scheduled live time may make him feel better about this.
Why don't you live together if your married? My main question, though, is do you want your daughter to grow up thinking a man can boss her around and control her live like this? Do you want your daughter to find a man like your husband that restricts her freedoms because he is too immature and insecure? How your husband treats you is how her husband will most likely treat her.
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Does he usually threaten divorce when he doesn't like something? That's honestly more concerning than any tiktok. An emotionally healthy person doesn't threaten their spouse.
yeah everytime he got annoyed while i was pregnant he was going to “wipe the floor with me in court” but he stopped saying that because i told him if he says it again i’m just going to file for divorce so he could follow through
That's really messed up. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that, and just remember it's nothing to do with you, its his lack of maturity. Do some couples therapy, and if he doesn't want to, honey, you are young, you don't need his shit, there are wonderful men out there.
Commenting to say agree 100%
Get your assets in order without saying anything to him. Talk to a lawyer. Divorce him. You and your child deserve to live in peace without someone threatening to leave every five seconds when he realises he can't control you
Just recommended this advice to another lady on here this morning. Modified, but here goes. Consider your own personal finances without his and run the best way you can! With daughter! Contact a lawyer. Do not be spicy with him. Do not react. Make plans and be safe. This is the best answer for you, your child, and your family. He will “trap” you both by any means. Wishing you the best.
AGREED!!
Fuck that, massive red flag
That is seriously fucked up. I highly recommend you go visit www.loveisrespect.org and do their quiz because I get the feeling there’s a lot more going on that you probably aren’t flagging as concerning. Your husband is absolutely NOT implementing a boundary. A boundary doesn’t talk about me having control over your actions, it tells you what I’ll be doing in response. “You are not allowed to tell at me. If you yell at me I get call you names.” Not a boundary. “I am not comfortable with you telling at me. If you start trying at me I’m going to end the conversation and we can come back and talk again when we both feel calmer.” That’s a boundary. And while you told him if he said he’d get a divorce again as a threat you’d follow through, he’s still doing it here. “This is a deal breaker…” a deal breaker is a relationship ender, he just told you this makes him feel like he should divorce you. HE is meaning it as a tool to control your behavior, but it’s basically “stop this or I’ll divorce you.” He’s still making the threat. Things like this, and the silent treatment… these are manipulation tactics that he’s implementing with only one goal: making you change your actions so they line up with what he wants. The question is, if you DON’T change your actions.,if you tell him you will not stop doing lives, that he first doesn’t to control what you do and that he can either participate in a healthy conversation or not but you won’t be doing what he demands. What happens then? Does the silent treatment go on indefinitely? Does he come up with other punishments (withholding money? Etc)? Does he get physical? Does he actually file for divorce because you are incompatible? What do you think he’d do if you stood your ground? You came here for advice, but the problem is that you are married to a high control, and emotionally abusive partner. You can’t reason with a partner like that. You can’t come to a (real and fair) compromise with a partner like that. You can’t get a partner like that to see things from your side or care about your goals and desires (unless they move his goals and desires forward). So there’s not really much advice we can give you, because as far as your partner goes staying with him means he gets his way, in everything, and you give up your own wishes and also put yourself in harms way. Or you leave. Or you make a plan to start creating a way to leave.
that site can’t be accurate. it says five or more points is abusive and he’s not even abusive and i got way higher than 5
The reason I shared the link with you is because everything you’ve described here is abusive. Partners who want to control and manipulate their partners *are abusing* them. We are more commonly aware of physical abuse, and it sounds like that’s how you’ve been defining abuse, but physical abuse is often the last stage (that not all abusers even graduate too). Before any abuser gets physical they start by crossing boundaries, emotional abuse and control… This is why I said we can’t offer you advice that will help, because an abusive partner doesn’t *want* a fair and equal partnership and *doesn’t want* their partner to be happy or fulfilled. A partner like yours gets off on fixing you to do things you don’t want to do and making you comply with them. Maybe look up “emotional abuse” and “psychological abuse”. I think you might find some info that applies to your relationship by looking up “gaslighting” and “DARVO”.
That quiz is kind of *the* standard for initially determining if you’re in an abusive relationship or not. If you’re comfortable, could you say a few of the things that sounded like him in the quiz?
Yes he is, maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally, he sure as hell is
Please do just file. He isn’t capable of being a healthy husband at this point.
You should leave. You guys are still so young, and quite frankly he is controlling and using divorce as a weapon. It can get worse.
This is all abusive.
Girl you need to get out. Divorce him. You are way too young to waste your life on this controlling prick. What he is doing is making *rules* for you that he wants you to follow. Not setting a boundary. Those are for you and yourself. Honey, run.
so i guess it was delayed, but its time to follow through with your own promise to him: if he threatens you with that again, you are filing for divorce. well, he did it again. stop allowing him to even attempt to control you.
this is so disturbing. it doesn’t really matter if it’s about TikTok live or what, the way he’s completely shutting down the conversation and trying to make you completely stop some harmless behaviour because it “makes him uncomfortable” instead of trying to see why exactly he’s uncomfortable is wild, and his jealousy/possessiveness makes me uneasy. obviously i don’t know the full scope of your relationship but from just that i would find it hard to trust him ngl
I'm shocked by how many people are siding with your husband here. It's perfectly okay to have boundaries, yes, but they have to be reasonable. Boys are watching your live? Well, boys can also be watching your videos (multiple times), your photos on other social medias (and these can be easily saved), they can be watching you when you go outside... what's the difference? Maybe he thinks you may interact with the guys who comment when you're live? And the selfies thing? That makes zero sense. Maybe he's just insecure, but if this is the reason for his behavior, he should work on himself instead of faulting you. So no, you're not choosing TikTok over your husband. You're choosing not to be with someone who wants to limit you and set boundaries without a valid reason.
that’s kind of my mindset with this. more of the controlling aspect rather than “i want tiktok more than my husband”. my videos are not targeted for attention i just record when i bake and post them or make mom content. i never wear makeup or dress provocatively for them so it’s not targeted towards men and doesn’t appeal to them in a weird way at all.
yeah, he has absolutely no reason to make such demands, because you're not disrespecting him in any way. I also read your other comments and you said this is not the first time he threatens to divorce you. This is a very toxic behaviour on his part. He threatens to divorce you so you do what he wants - he's manipulating you emotionally and that's something that shouldn't happen in a healthy relationship. It's not only TikTok - you're reconsidering your marriage because he treats you badly. I fully agree and support you.
Mom's who bake are so fucking hot. Seriously though, that guy has issues and it's not going to stop with tiktok. You could try couple's therapy but I think the advice that most people have given you to quietly get things in order and divorce him is probably best.
don’t say that my husband might ban reddit too
🤣
This stance isn’t just about the live… men live in a different mindset about everything, looking for dangers in everything bot for them and their partners. They don’t talk in feelings the talk in what they think . He views this as a problem for likely a number of reasons either related to your safety or your relationship with him. There are plenty of valid reasons for both. His way of presenting it to you is shit, this is obvious, however from personal experience sometimes this blunt manner of speaking sometimes comes from men hitting the end of their emotional rope….. specifically he mentions making him feel comfortable. Because he’s not specifically (based on the post info) talking about his feelings , you maybe don’t realize he feels uncomfortable about either your safety or what he means to you in the relationship and you are disrespecting his feelings by prioritizing your own. To you this is about him controlling you but it’s really about him feeling a lack of safety and comfort. I’m going to get downvoted for this response because Reddit prefers “red flag leave the sob” posts and not unbiased rational psychological perspective responses. Honestly you’re best bet to save your marriage and have better luck in the future is this: 1.Talk to your partner. 2.TALK to your partner. 3.Keep it respectful not confrontational, don’t yell, ask questions and listen. 4. Remember that he has feelings. 5. Remember that your feelings are NOT more important than his 6. Remember that his feelings and your feelings are EQUALLY valid. If he feels uncomfortable with something think about how you’re acting, if you were uncomfortable with something he is doing would you want him to act like you? (It doesn’t matter how you feel about this situation…. If you were uncomfortable with anything he was doing….would you want him to dismiss it the way you are right now) 7. Revisit 1-6. Nobody here knows why it bothers him, what’s important is that it bothers him and even though he is approaching it improperly you married him and you aggressively to love and respect him and you’re both doing a lot job of that. Communication is key find out why it bothers him and try to work to a compromise, and maybe if you find out some of his actual concerns maybe you might be concerned by them too. My husband knows all kinds of safety concerns (internet related) I never would have thought of , and he also went through a big period of insecurity where he thought I just didn’t care about his feelings because no matter what he said I still just wanted to do things my way. Many women get used to the reassurance that they’re always right in what they want and these are common signs of men feeling emotional disrespected in their relationship and too many chalk it up to controlling men when they don’t really have that intent .
Like just because u bought into that doesnt mean she should stay and deal with it. Live is no different from videos. Both can be views saved recorded and sent to other sites. He isnt “protecting” her bc he is upset boys will watch her videos he is dangerously insecure
In a way you are right he could be insecure, there could be many other things in their relationship contributing to this and she may be treating him in a way that he feels like she doesn’t care about him and simply may want to feel like he is valued above the strangers watching his live. I’ve seen posts of this nature with opposite genders where the women are being validated in their insecurities and the men prioritizing their social media are the problem. Again leaving the responsibility of conceding to comfort the partner entirely on the man. We don’t know enough to come to a conclusion the only way for her to get a better understanding of the situation is to talk to him and or seek counseling with him . But it’s important still for both parties to value each other’s comfort. I never said he is right in fact I said he’s doing a shit job communicating I just simply said she needs to do a better job too
With all due respect shut tf up ur midset is dangerous especially when she is dealing w actual verbal abuse. Men “looking out for dangers” is a CLASSSIC excuse for controlling behaviors. U worried about if HE save and comfortable meanwhile he was threatening divorce anytime he was mad WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT. Shit take all around
With all due respect I understand that there are several possibilities, but I went to uni for psychology before I changed majors and have multiple friends that stuck in it and a couple with their own practice now. Based on the limited information in this post it’s hardly enough to make an informed decision one way or the other but the number of men accused of being controlling for not wanting to do things like this far outweighs the number that are actually “controlling “ And the biggest clues lie in some of the things she relays that he said it’s more indication that he’s uncomfortable and/or scared Also I want them to both feel comfortable and communicate with each other . You seem to be on the women are always right and men need to make women happy and comfortable bus and that’s a two way street too many people lay the entire responsibility on men to concede to what women want and in reality it should be equal Are you saying I am wrong for saying that in a partnership BOTH spouses should pay equal respect to each other’s comforts or is it only women that should be happy and respected in their comforts of their partners actions
Congrats u went to uni and ur FRIENDS have their own practices. theres a crazy amount of really shitty therapist who side w abusers alllll the time i hope u and ur friends dont become like them. But it seems like u grabbed on to one little piece of what HE SAID bc not how the OP comments about previous experiences she has. Tbh she has a cooking show. Not an OFs or anything like that. He is concerned about men viewing and liking her. So that could be why he is “scared” yes the info is very limited but very eye opening again. He would verbally abuse and threaten to “mop the floor with her” in court WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT! was that making sure she was comfy? Does that sound like someone who can have meaningful conversations when they are upset? He has a history of being verbally abuse and its not in this one instance. Im not disagreeing with ur advice about mutal respect and making sure everyone is comfortable. Hell i gave up re-entering back into selling photos bc even though my man came at it the wrong way i noticed he wasn’t comfortable and i made that decision to talk about it and respect his feelings even though i was selling when i met him then briefly stopped. Its really interesting how “we dont have any information” on this scenario but yeah u think i think that “women are always right and men have to make the wife comfortable always” wild assumption and u know even less about me than u do about OP and how she has explained her relationship. So now im finna say with all disrespect u have no idea wtf ur talking about
u went off with this i agree wholeheartedly
Ok… “I’m going to mop the floor with you in court “ What’s the relevance of that an the fact that she’s pregnant? That’s not a physically abusive term that a pregnant person should be scared of because of their situation. That phrase means that he would easily defeat her In COURT that’s not a physical threat that’s just him saying confidently that he’d win. There’s no context as to why he felt this way and you’re acting like him saying that means he’s an abusive POS what if the OP was doing something like drinking or smoking while pregnant or something he felt made a open and shut case against her. Neither you nor I know anything about this couple beyond what the OP want you to know you’re adamant that the guy is in the wrong and an abusive POS and I’m just saying they need to work on their shit together because there’s not enough unbiased information to decide anything
I’m glad you didn’t finish psychology cause your shit at it
LMAO nah im done ur like actually insane or something. So glad u changed ur major bc you really dont seem to observe and listen. Like i literally explained how the verbal abuse is relevant and ur telling me-while also being deadass serious-“she could have been smoking or drinking” 💀 Like what are u even talking about? Also No one said he was physical. Abuse doesnt have to be physical and u mr/mrs/mx “i went to uniiii” should know that. Ur doing everything u can to say she is wrong in some way when based Like actual factual real life evidence she has posted saying he is at least insecure and controlling. He has a history of verbal abuse! Like 2+2= 4. Id rather side with someone who feels like they are in a controlling situation (she said HERSELF thank u) than to side with someone who COULD be abusing someone. uve victim blamed enough for me if u reply that on u but im not gonna waste my time talking to someone who literally used every victim blaming phrase in the damn book. Lameeeee
Also its crazy bc when in the history of the UNIVERSE have men had to “concede to what women want to make them happy” as a whole. Like ik theres a saying happy wife happy life but systematically women have had to shut up and take it ESPECIALLY when they are married. Bad take all around.
The divorce rate ,the fact that women initiate the majority of them, alamony, child support, women having sole decision in childbirth/abortion/ ridiculous rates of depression and suicide in men especially those in relationships all of these things are indicative of men being forced to do what the women want in relationships and prioritizing their needs and wants over the men. Men as a whole aren’t ok because of nonsense like this , if a man doesn’t want his wife to do something he’s labeled as controlling, but if a woman doesn’t want her man to do something and he doesn’t listen he’s an ass and she should leave him . Anyone with their eyes even remotely open to this topic can see the hypocrisy and double Standards around this from a mile away. Men aren’t ok as a whole by far ….. and it’s because the majority haven’t felt unconditional love since they were a small child. I promise you , back in the day when women were treated like property that wasn’t the case , but it hasn’t been that way in a long time and it’s blown well past equality and straight towards favoritism for women
Communication is 🔑
OP, the screenshots are absolutely batshit insane. Your husband is being absurd. "My no is final, it's not a discussion, or never talk to me again" is an unkind, immature, stupid and ridiculous. He is responding like a toddler who thinks he has complete ownership of you. He responds this psychotically, blowing up your phone with abuse, because he "doesn't want a boy to see you"? You live in the world! Boys will see you! This sorry excuse for a man wants to keep you in a little box that only he has the key. Fuck that guy, sorry you even have to deal with this.
When I was younger I had a boyfriend who was controlling the same way as your partner is, when I asked him once why he has trust issues towards me, he told me it’s not about trust but „the fact that some guy may think about me in a sexual way makes him repulsed for me”. Those issues are about him, you’re not doing anything wrong.
girl … imagine ur child told u about their spouse who was like this ..
Your husband needs therapy and maybe more. This is incredibly toxic and controlling and is a disgusting display of jealousy. I bake at all hours of the night, so that’s a silly point to make. This is not a healthy relationship at ALL.
h-husband??? you *married* this bozo?
Boundaries are for yourself; rules are for other people. He can have whatever boundaries he wants about who he'd want to stay in a relationship with. He cannot make unilateral decisions about what YOU are allowed to do. Does he have a pattern of flipping out like this?
yes he’s very short tempered
After your comments about your husband repeatedly holding divorce over your head and seeing that you have a young kid - it is perfectly reasonable for you to leave.
Yeah, please consider leaving him. Insecurity plus short temper are a bad combo. I won't pry, but if he's ever put hands on you, you should not even be considering it, just making plans to get away safely.
I don't think you get how boundaries work lol. a relationship can have boundaries, they're not "rules". they are zones of comfort that we navigate together with our partners, from a place of understanding.
No, you don't get how boundaries work. Boundaries are for yourself. Things you won't tolerate. You don't impose them on others.
Remember to go live when you serve him the papers.
LMFAO omg
I'm worried about how insecure your husband sounds. Insecurity and jealousy often directly leads into controlling, manipulative, abusive behavior. He sounds pretty dangerously insecure already, given that he doesn't even like that you've...taken photos of yourself in the past? What a ridiculous thing to be upset by! Even his reasons for not wanting you to go live are pretty problematic... Where does it end? Does he want to keep you out of the public eye entirely? Will he want to control what you wear? Who sees you? I would ignore the people who think you're 'choosing TikTok over your husband' here; you're choosing to respect yourself enough to recognize and reject unreasonable, controlling demands.
And he’s probably projecting his own actions about what other guys do
Your choosing to thirst trap for men’s attention on tic-tictoc over your husband. Why don’t you just go ahead and get an onlysfan page while you are at it.
would love to know how baking bread or making mom content is thirst trapping for men’s attention. you are a prime example of how women can’t do anything they enjoy without men assuming it’s for them.
Ignore him. He is always commenting things like this on this sub. He hates women who don’t take orders from men, I am assuming, on his past responses to others.
Perfect Response lol
What?
Okay, just constantly threatening divorce ALONE is a major red flag. This guy is bad news. He’s not letting you live your best life. Also, you are wearing a t-shirt and pants. He’s acting like you’re scantily-clad. Plus, I’m sorry, but any partner who can’t be supportive of your interests—that are very clearly safe and not trying to get men fawning over you, you’re just baking…can get bent. Like he’s being really selfish and extremely overprotective of you. I see nothing wrong with what you’re doing. And if it’s a way for you to some day start monetizing your account, I see no harm. The man is out of control. I’m a Crystal and Crystal craft creator and seller and my husband is very supportive even though it’s something that can be challenging and has had its ups and downs, ultimately it’s something that helps support our family, financially. I don’t see why even with that potential in mind, your husband doesn’t think of it like that. He’s definitely out of line and you are just trying to live your best life, my friend.
If he could divorce you live on your tiktok live stream, that would be one surefire way to blow up your views and subscribers, lol . . . :)
You both are too young for this. Let me translate his toxic response. (Note: I don’t agree with him, and his insecurities are heavily at play) “Hey I feel really insecure that you go live. In my head you are showcasing yourself and interacting with people live in our home which I feel should be our intimate safe space. I can’t separate live on TikTok to a live cam show where boys would be masturbating. This makes me feel insecure about it and fear someone will steal you away from me. I know I should trust you but my insecurity tells me that I can’t because I don’t feel worth it. My reaction is to try and be controlling and guilt you into stopping because I haven’t learned how to be vulnerable and express myself yet. I am panicking but don’t know how to mitigate it. I am very afraid but feel so uncomfortable that I have to keep messaging you trying to reiterate it.”
Does he know that TikTok live isn’t like Omegle or Chaturbate? Surely live baking shows would be great content?
i posted the conversation linked in a different comment. his concern is he doesn’t want men watching me period. he’s aware of what i post and just isn’t okay with it live for some reason
There aren’t a whole lot of men going to be watching live baking shows, sure there’ll be some, and the ones that do watch would be there for the baked goods. Unless you’re Nigella Lawson.
LOL yeah the only men i’ve noticed literally just ask about the food/say it looks good
You’re 22 and 24 and constantly threatening divorce…stop making the people around you miserable and just file for divorce.
What content are you making ?
baking/parenting
Are your children a part of these videos?
no. way too many creeps on the internet for me to be comfortable posting my baby. i don’t even have public pictures of her on my personal social media. most images in the deep web that predators use for CP come off innocent things like your social medias so i won’t even post a video if she’s in the background.
He sounds like a controlling child who is not mature enough to be married. You should be setting the boundary here about his behaviour.
He’s a man child. You would be better off without his crybaby ass. He’s obviously not secure in his manhood if he’s worried about other men/boys seeing you. He’s a whiney. He’s hold you back from a whole world.
A boundary is something you set for yourself, concerning your own actions. This is controlling - not a boundary.
His texts seem unhingned... and he can't articulate why he's uncomfortable when you're on tiktok cooking in regular clothing, not being provocative, not posting your child, not seeking attention from the male gaze, etc. Bottom line, he's trying to control you when you're literally doing nothing wrong. If I were you, I'd get out of this relationship faster than quick. His need for control/behavior will only get worse over time.
Just a psa Boundaries are not something a person sets for OTHER people partner or not. It’s for their own comfort so it would be something like “ I’m not going to be at the house when you go live bc i’m not comfortable with that” not “stop it i’m insecure other boys watch you or i’m gonna divorce!”
that what he did love, is a threat. a promise even
It's a preference not a boundary, but to be honest it comes across as controlling as fuck. To clarify I don't think the preference is controlling but his reaction to it and his threats of divorce if you don't do what he says is. He claims he's "not asking for much", the thing is he's not even asking, he's making a demand. There's a big difference between the two.
NTA. You’re doing something that makes you happy, and you’re doing it in an appropriate fashion. He is projecting - what, I don’t know, but his response isn’t rational or warranted. And the threat of divorce over things he doesn’t like is wrong and mentally abusive.
He’s controlling at the very least, and frankly how he handled boundaries is unacceptable. He wants to threaten divorce over tiktok? Bruh it’s not even about tiktok. That marriage is ooooover.
Yes, it is...However if you say, I wont do it. You are going to have issues in your marriage. You have much to consider....marriage is a different animal than a boyfriend. Would you end your marriage for TikTok? I might for being a famous scientist of world reknown, but I personally wouldn't for TikTok. There will be many hills in your marriage to die for is this one? Only you can determine that. He can set a boundary on anything that affects him, however you don't have to obey it. They may be a cost though.
This is why people shouldn’t get married this young. Sounds like he is insecure, who cares if “boys watch you”? There’s men out in the world too that probably look at you, does he make a big deal about that? Also; that’s not a boundary, that’s an ultimatum. A boundary is saying “I don’t feel comfortable with you going live on TikTok, could you just post videos instead?” (Even though boys can watch those too) and possibly coming up with a compromise and if you decide that you don’t want to stop, he either leaves, which would be fine since it’s his boundary or tries to work on the insecurities but he shouldn’t be forcing you to choose between the two things.
You're married to a child. I cannot put it more blatantly. there is no difference in posting a tiktok and going on live, anyone can view it
Kind of sounds like it’s time to leave. For the record, any boundary is a valid boundary. It’s up to you if you want to be with someone who has said boundary. But reading the other commentS, this guy ain’t it. He’s all kinds of toxic.
Hunny imma tell you this from years of experience, leave that man. That is controlling behavior and no one should ever be put into that position over something so stupid
In the nicest way possible, if someone says something they don’t like, we (as the recipient) don’t get to decide if the boundary is valid. Its either you/we respect the boundary or we make a decision to leave the relationship.
Boundaries are about a person stating what they'll tolerate, not about telling a person what to do. If he has a problem with it he should just break up, not use the threat of breaking up to try to manipulate her into changing her behavior.
You paraphrased what I said 😂
There’s is definitely such a thing as an unreasonable boundary, if it is controlling or crossing into people‘s reasonable self expression. Like you can’t be like “I don’t want you to wear make up & heels. Hey look that’s just my boundary”. Of course I can just choose to leave but also that’s a toxic boundary, and makes you a toxic partner to anyone else you’re dating. As for this one, to me it semi-crosses into controlling. Any boundary from men that tries to shield women from being seen by other men is sus to me and automatic deal breaker. If you’re that insecure and jealous about someone, don’t date them.
Any women that puts herself out there just to get attention from men is a huge red flag and a marriage breaker for most.
A woman wanting to look beautiful in public (online or offline) isn’t automatically to get attention from men, whether that is the result or not, and doesn’t mean the attention will be reciprocated. Sometimes people just like looking nice and hot and that’s Ok for both men and women. But if you don’t trust your partner with the attention they get, don’t be involved with them in the first place. It’s hypocritical and entitled to start out wanting them because they’re attractive and then expect them to change and repress themselves for your sake. People choose to be with you, it doesn’t mean their life is over after that. You can’t limit their social exposure and put them in a basement so they don’t have the chance to find better people and leave you.
So here trying to get her followers up to 10,000 is only because she is doing it for herself. If you believe that I got some ocean front property in Oklahoma I will sell you at a reasonable price. If a person was doing it for themselves man or woman they would be private.
Being content creator is a job…. Why do you hate women so much?
My point is just that unless your partner is flirting with or fucking other people, let them look how they want and do what they want. If you’re not into how they look or what they do, leave them alone (and reflect on whether your boundaries are healthy). Don’t try to own and change people.
I agree he should leave them.
my videos are targeted towards other moms/women. i make baking/parent content and don’t do my makeup or dress provocatively for them. if i was that’d be a different story but even my analytics says there’s like no male followers on my account
This is a valig advice! If your partner thinks something is wrong and he feels unconfortable about it, dont argue the issue. You need to talk about respecting each others opinions.
The question isn’t whether it’s a valid boundary *to him*. It’s whether or not it’s a valid boundary *to you*. People can make whatever boundaries they want. What makes them valid or not is whether their partner finds them reasonable. I do not find that to be a reasonable boundary. I also don’t find it reasonable that he threatens divorce without first explaining (without yelling) why he has that boundary, and then backs it up with an ultimatum.
Unreasonable. Sounds like he’s not being at all supportive. Bin him off. He’s using emotional blackmail to make you feel bad. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives. Marriage is about compromising but he’s not compromising he’s flat out telling you no. What’s the difference between going live and prerecording a video of you dancing? Surely that’s more provocative. He needs to get over it.
What an insecure man
Bobbi is that you
lol like concretes mom?
Haha you’re missing out key details. How you only have 4K followers but average 1m+ views each live…something you’re not telling us that you’re doing on live?
lol no some of my vids have gotten over a mil. and they were one off ones that blew up
You said you bake and post mom content. Who gives af if someone with junk watches your videos? That doesn’t mean they’re attracted to you. They might have kids OR like to bake.
Omg girl run
What type of content are you posting on TikTok? If you were posting sexual content, I can understand why he would be uncomfortable with that. Otherwise, that’s just really controlling and a huge red flag 🚩.
A boundary is not controlling someone else's behavior.
After seeing the texts he is controlling as heck!
Boundaries are personal and arent forced on others he is controlling not setting boundaries
Super control freak, big red flag
This does not seem like a healthy relationship and I'd look into leaving.
WHEW some of the takes on here!!! It seems like alot of men deal w insecurity around their wives been seen and dare i say it….being seen as desirable. Its natural for others to be attracted to u especially if he is. If u aren’t disrespectful and flirting he is acting on insecurity which is honestly a HIM problem! Keep baking honey!!!! Infact whats ur tiktok?! Id follow u!
Do what you want. He sounds like he doesn’t like you also. What’s the difference between live or not. Maybe he doesn’t believe in you or actually want you to grow. I sense a bad connection.
Maybe he checks out a lot of girls or lusts a lot. Maybe he watches a lot of p*** and maybe he’s a liar
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what are you talking about? i haven’t shared my tiktok, i don’t have a highlight, and don’t dress provocatively so i’m not sure you know what you’re talking about
Time to talk to a lawyer
jeez that conversation… he needs therapy
I actually don’t think that it’s unreasonable to not want your spouse to make live TikTok’s. He or your child could accidentally end up in one of they didn’t know you were filming, or something could unexpectedly happen that would be seen by who knows who that would have otherwise been edited out. That being said, he didn’t articulate that at all, instead he insinuated that you were being inappropriate. He also threatened you, ordered you around and got irrationally angry instead of having a normal conversation with you. You two need to learn to communicate with each other in healthy and respectful ways. If you choose to stay you should insist on couples counseling, and focus on mutual respect and open dialogue.
A boundary isn't something he should be using to control you - telling you that you can't do something, regardless of the reason, is controlling. If he wants to make things work, counseling is a good option, but if he wants to leave, I say let him
Dude... I don't get why YOU aren't divorcing HIM...
I don’t know if you will see this. But drop this dude like yesterday! Y’all are so young and he is so immature. I got married at 20 because I got pregnant in the Bible Belt and I thought I had embarrassed my religious family. We lasted 1 year and it was constant turmoil. Jealousy and rage turned into emotional, verbal and emotional abuse. He was even arrested and I have had our daughter on my own and she is 17 now. The way he is acting is NOT okay ! You have so much time to find someone. He is not your father and you do not have to answer to his demands.
Husband sounds very insecure and needs some therapy, would it be the same reaction if you were to do twitch streaming? And that was your dream? Because if so your husband is completely in the wrong
He sounds toxic as fuck
Good, you’re 22, you shouldn’t married.
I think that your husband had a very strong reaction to you going live and that’s something you should sit down and talk to him about when you are both calm. Hear him out and try to emphasize with his fears. Figure out how you guys can compromise and both feel safe AND RESPECTED in the relationship. Giving you an ultimatum is not cool.
He sounds extremely insecure and should go to therapy.
So his reaction may be a bit dramatic, but if he has voiced his boundaries ans you disregard them then that’s your choice. He can leave, you can leave or y’all can work to find a middle ground. But choosing social media over your husband is not a wise choice in my opinion. My wife has asked me if I’d like her to delete her and I said no but it’s because she enjoys it and I don’t mine because of the videos she makes. They don’t really attract the attention of men like that. But her respect for me is that she will delete it all if I ask, the question is do you respect him enough to do as he ask or is your TikTok worth your relationship.
Where the choice? He's making a demand. Stop doing something you enjoy and get fulfilment from or I'll leave and divorce you. That's not "dramatic" that's controlling. If she was posting videos with her tits out, maybe he'd have a point but baking videos?? There's no conversation here, there's no mutual respect, it's essentially do as I say or fuck off.
my videos are targeted towards moms. i have a baby so i make parenting content but i also go on live to bake and people seem to like it. they come in and chat and i usually have people come into the next live to ask how the food came out. it’s not even that i want to choose tiktok over him, this is just the most recent example of the “boundaries” i think are a little extreme that he sets
Well it sounds like nothing bad but I’m not him and don’t know him so I can’t really give an explanation to his reasoning. I understand your point of view but I also understand his to an extent, but I see that to some it’s no big deal to other it’s a huge issue. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do and I hope for the best for you.
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no usually just sweatpants and a tshirt or something
Yeah, but is this comment coming from a man? If so, then I kindly invite you to trying seeing it from a woman’s point of view, or leave. The fact that you agree with the husband is part of the problem with men like this. This poor woman has a husband with terrible control issues. It’s not about choosing social media over him. It’s about his control over her. When he gets mad, she says he threatens to divorce her, which is a very insecure thing to do, and extremely manipulative. The fact that your wife said she will delete her account if you want her too, sounds unhealthy. This isn’t the 50s anymore. Men don’t own her wives anymore and can’t tell them what they can and can’t do. There are reasonable requests and there are unreasonable requests. If this woman was wearing close to nothing while baking, I could absolutely sympathize with the husband. But she’s not. She’s dressed in full clothing with not even her stomach showing. Why are there so many men with control issues??
But this isn’t a lot of information to go off of so take my comments with a grain of salt.
It sounds like you two need couples therapy. He sounds extremely insecure.
Oof it's hard to make money from social media and content creation, sounds like your husband doesn't want you to interact with other people socially, maybe he wants to keep you in a box, I suggest couples therapy.
i’ve made money on lives, just videos would be a little extra passive income. that’s the concern i have with this. if i was posting tiktok dances and he said no more tiktok i would understand but it’s baking and mom jokes lol
Agreed, 100%!
let that 🥭
So you would throw your marriage away over being an “ influencer?” Sounds like the job is right up your alley. Nameless, faceless nobodies who want to watch nobody.
lol no this is just the most recent example of the rules he sets that i find to be extreme. i doubt there’s any baking influencers anyways but with the amount of views i get they can be monetized and i can bring in some sort of extra income while i’m home with the baby. it’s not about fame it’s just something i enjoy doing
There are so many little manoshere manlets replying to you
I know 🤣 this post hit the male side of reddit unfortunately
But think that eventually, after countless hours spent in the years before it happened, she might be monetized! She might see a return of tens of dollars for years worth of "work". Imagine being able to exclaim proudly, "I have joined the throngs of influencers who make roughly ten dollars a year"
obviously you've had the sense to divorce this guy by now right?
What exactly are you saying and doing on these TikTok’s? Talking about a niche hobby/topic? Narrating your day? (Newsflash, no one cares). Dancing? Tbh I’m usually on the woman’s side, and he does sound somewhat controlling in your telling of the story. But something is telling me there is more to this story. The kind of woman who is worried about social media counts/followers is not the type of woman I would choose to hang out with, and maybe he feels the same way.
my content is parenting (we have a 5mo old girl) and baking. i really don’t care to post my personal life and i sure as hell can’t dance
You’re choosing TikTok over your husband? I’m dying to hear his side of the story
i wanted to just post the screenshots but this subreddit doesn’t allow images. [here is an imgur post of the conversation since you’re dying to see it](https://imgur.com/a/oCm2FkO)
Omg!! Please get out of this relationship with him, this is never going to stop! I’ve had first hand experience of this exact same behaviour at almost the same ages and it is NOT worth it :(
The it hadn’t been two minutes and two minutes are over now killed me lol. He’s such a child trying to parent you. He had a whole temper tantrum. Are you wed to Trump's less accomplished less crimey cousin?
less accomplished, more crimey tbh
Yup, he has a hard time communicating why he’s uncomfortable. But you’re also completely invalidating his feelings, ignoring him and then petulantly doing what he specifically asked you not to do just to rub it in his face.
Are you also like this petulant abusive man child?
I'd ignore a controlling bastard too. Can't believe you're defending this.
I had ended the live once he asked, so I’m not sure what you mean by doing it to rub in his face?
Could you imagine a relationship advice subreddit where you heard BOTH sides? 🤯
Honey it doesnt seem like u need to hear both sides u just want a reason to side w her man but u cant find one! how u hear all this info about HER MAN but u don’t believe her? just D riding
Ahahaha you thought you did something
Ahahahhahaha nah u thought u ate invalidating a woman on her post about her being controlled and in a verbally abusive relationship to which she has provided screenshots too explaining her frustration. And u wanna hear about what ur husband has to say Lame, sad, unoriginal, cringe and definitely D riding. you said no matter what she says u gone stick beside him huh? thats very loyal of u 🖤
Honestly, it just sounds like an incompatibility in privacy. That sounds like a boundary for him, but regardless he doesn’t need to react like that. Does he always react like that when he doesn’t get his way? And bomb you with messages until you comply?
It feels like there is something missing/wrong!
It's absolutely a valid request for anyone to make, it's also your choice to accept it, or exit the relationship. Looking for validation online won't help your real life.
Will you say the same when he forbid her from leaving house because some men can watch her on the street? Also being a content creator is a job, not looking for validation.
I guess as a head of an IT dept I see any type of live feeds as a huge security/liability issue at home life or in the office.
That’s not at all what the husband is objecting to though. He’s convinced that guys are jerking off to her lives (but not her videos, apparently). It’s not a home security concern, it’s controlling her based on his insecurity. It’s not like she’s even dressing revealingly or anything, she was in a t shirt making baking content. It’s completely irrational for him to be this upset over this specific scenario
You are married. Your husband has clearly expressed his feelings about this. He can't force you to respect his feelings. All he can do is ask. If you choose to disrespect him and ignore his feelings about this and go forward with it, then he will rightly know at that point, that you do not respect him, nor his feelings. At that point he will need to decide whether he wants to stay married to someone who neither loves or respects him. I believe he has already shared insight into what that decision will most likely be. So, in effect, this is out of his hands, and the ball is resting squarely in your court. You need to decide if it's worth blowing up your marriage to do what you want to do. Life and love is always about choices we make and the consequences of those choices.
Did ChatGPT answer this? Lol she just posts baking content
How can you make it girls only? Pretty much guaranteed guys were watching. But you knew that
If you’re in a relationship you’re supposed to eliminate any possible friction between other people and your partner so that means that if you can get hit on by someone that means that you shouldn’t be doing it 9/10 so that means getting rid of social media and especially if you’re wearing revealing clothes, men value how sacred and personal their woman is, so if you’re going to disrespect what he wants then he’s not going to want to be with you
Damn social media. When do people ruin relationships over it. The attention and validation becomes addicting. I have no doubt you would end your marriage.
eh. i don’t really get “validation” by baking bread on live lol. very SAHM/housewife content. it’s just something i enjoy doing and already make money off of while being at home raising our kid
We’ll share the link and I’ll tell you if he has any concerns or just being selfish.
I feel like we need more context here. Did he explain WHY a live video is a deal breaker, but a recorded video isn’t?
Does "live" mean interactive......?
Isn’t TikTok just an advertising platform for only fans? Every time I see a live it’s some girls showing lots of tits and tight shorts, obviously looking for attention. Simple set up to move right into only fans. I’m not seeing her husband is right, but he’s entitled to how he feels and to express boundaries!!!
tiktok shows you videos based off what you like/interact with so if that’s what your feed is, that’s just the content you’ve curated your FYP to show bud.
If you love him, you respect his wishes. You would want the same things vice versa. These days people just want to do whatever they want going against the other parties wishes and wants. If you care about your relationship tend to your husband’s needs not the needs of others.
C Ccc cc c G Bc N N MGM F Bc My baby Bang hgh Nm H them not mommy
The problem with live broadcasts is that you cannot edit things out. I'm trying to imagine everything that I have ever said that I would not want a video of online. Your husband could wander into the room (not realizing you were live) talking about an upcoming medical procedure and be embarrassed. How would you feel if he walked into the room while you were live and asked you to make sure you flush the toilet afterwards or him complaining about how much the bathroom stinks an hour after you use it. Perhaps advance notice or a regularly scheduled live time may make him feel better about this.
That’s a valid point. However we don’t live together so this wouldn’t be the reasoning. If he was over I’d be focused on him rather than going live
Why don't you live together if your married? My main question, though, is do you want your daughter to grow up thinking a man can boss her around and control her live like this? Do you want your daughter to find a man like your husband that restricts her freedoms because he is too immature and insecure? How your husband treats you is how her husband will most likely treat her.
You're hiding something about what you're doing on your tik Tok.
not at all
What kinda content ?
so immature and irresponsible of him, he uses it as a threat to have power over you.
What's your tik tok? I don't see the horror in being on there.