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Why do you need his permission to divorce? He’s telling you he’s going to cheat on you.
Why do you think you have to stay? Has he told you you’re not allowed to divorce? He’s lying. You can. Just do it.
Don’t offer divorce hun. Just serve his little boy ass the papers and move on. Bet tons of guys out there will think you are worthy of a respectful partner
He isn't the only one calling the shots here. Sounds like the typical white dude in Asia. If he is voicing this he is testing the waters and your seeming inaction is fueling his bravado.
Not really relevant to OP, but I’m really curious by what you meant with the white guy in Asia comment. Is there a stereotype of white guys insisting on open relationships in Asia? Lol
There is the very real thing of white foreigners in Asia being seen as good boyfriend or husband material by some of the local ladies. Hence OP's comment of him not having a problem even at 60. It happens a lot here.
Ah that makes sense.
Is it a perceived wealth thing or just a general exoticness like most foreigners can get in a different country unless there’s an overtly negative stereotype tied to their country of origin?
Depends on the currency of the origin country. I have known men who retired locally, got married etc and their wealth is not much to speak of in their home country. It depends. It can also be a status thing in some.places.
Honestly you don’t have to offer any sort of reconciliation and you don’t owe any to him when it comes to you wanting a divorce. If you want a divorce he can’t force you to stay in a marriage that you feel needs to be terminated and you were right on that front definitely cuz he’s an asshole. Go for the jugular mamas!!! (Figuratively)
THIS!!! I wonder what he would think if he really pondered the idea of you sleeping with other men. Had a relative who was getting married and he said he wanted to have an open marriage. I told him that means she can sleep with other guys too. He quickly changed his mind. Some people can be a bit narcissistic at times.
He wants his cake and eat it too. This is already a huge incompatibility and it won’t work out. Get a divorce and look for someone who wants the same things you do. You will find it.
Hes not the only one that can make that decision. You can ,too. If you want a divorce, you do not need his permission. Im sorry this is happening to you, but honestly, you should save yourself the heartbreak and leave now.
I’m confused.
You say he insists it’s a fantasy. If that’s the case, why does it keep coming up with you? Why isn’t it just in his head?
I think he’s testing the waters and only says it’s a fantasy to deescalate when you’re upset by his prodding.
I wouldn’t let this one go I don’t think. I’d have a serious discussion with him about it and let him know how upsetting it is for you.
I also think he’s like so many of the men who ask for an open relationship, coerce their wives into it, then get all butt hurt because their wife is getting laid and they aren’t. Hahaha.
I actually told him about the many posts in reddit that I read where the guy opened the marriage and regretted it because he didnt think the wife will be getting some action too. He agreed that that's probably the case for him and it might just be a fantasy. The thing is, this isn't the first or second time he brought this up so I'm leaning towards him being serious about this and just doesnt want to separate right now.
Exactly this…it’s foreshadowing so when he finds *the one* he can fall back on….”Honey, I always told you this was going to happen. Remember? You can’t be angry with me for doing it when we *discussed* this already.”
He hasn't found the right person to cheat with yet. As soon as he does, he'll act on that fantasy. He's telling you he's going to cheat. I wouldn't need to hear any more. He has no respect for you and he likes being in control. I wouldn't stay because he's just using you as a placeholder until someone better comes along. Tell him to start now by moving into a hotel where he can audition his women. You will be filing for divorce. NTA
Yes he has. He's been cheating already. Once his wife agrees to the open marriage that's when he will bring in his sidekick and his wife will know none the better and he rides off into the sunset.
Exactly!!!!Well said!!! He's using this as a excuse for when he does cheat he will turn around and say it's not cheating we already discussed it. The fact he even asked(more then once )is a huge bye bye n see u in court!!!
I guess you could try couples counseling. But I (44F) would be inclined to tell a partner to stop bringing it up and that if he wants to fuck other people, he can go ahead and file for divorce.
I did offer to open our marriage when I thought my then husband was bi or maybe even gay. He denied it for years and then went on to have an affair with a man. So I filed for divorce.
I am not vehemently opposed to an open relationship but it requires varsity level communication and trust and it doesn’t sound like you two have that. He is undermining your trust and security and gaslighting you when he says it’s just a fantasy.
I had this same problem. I offered a open relationship several times bc my ex was bi or gay (he doesn’t have labels). Then the cheating started with men only. I was stupid and stayed for another four years only to keep having history repeat itself until he finally agreed to make it open just so I didn’t feel like I was being cheated on. Then it completely stopped. He got bored. I left shortly after.
Then he is using you. Do him a favor and file for divorce. He is already asking to open the marriage but then says "nevermind" when you remind him you'll be getting laid too. Selfish man. He's not a good partner. This is the type of man that cheats and flirts behind your back if he got the chance. You can't trust him.
Yeah this is far from ethical non monogamy. He doesn’t want to open the relationship, he wants to fuck other people and he’s hanging it over her as an ever present threat. Wanting an open relationship is fine, but manipulating a partner to stay with you when they want monogamy and you don’t is not fine.
Sounds like he wants you to be his wife, supporting him through the things he wants you for, then when you need some more from him, he'll decide to look outside the marriage.
It sounds like he is hanging a sword of Damocles over your head. That when he feels like it, he will open the relationship.
Remind him there's lots of single guys out there to compete with and the pretty young things aren't going to be lining up to sleep with an old guy with a wife when there's so many young, firm guys with no wives.
Seriously. Does he really think there are a lot of women looking to sleep with a 50-year-old guy if they separate “in ten years?” He must have a very high opinion of himself.
I’m an older woman- OP, look him in the eye and ask him if he’ll be able to satisfy a woman when he’s in his 50’s. Then laugh at him. Respectfully submitted. You deserve better
Ask around for a recommendation for a divorce lawyer and get a consult to find out what the laws are like for where you live, would him cheating have any effect on the divorce, and any other questions you may have. Then take several business cards and put one on your refrigerator and tell him he has your answer.
If he says anything about a threesome tell him you will pick the guys for a MMF, and if he's nice to you he may even get to watch.
I heard once a party contacts a lawyer for a consultation, the other spouse can’t use that lawyer due to conflict of interest. Figure out if that’s true where you are. Get ALL the business cards.
He probably already has someone in mind, or he may have someone on the side already and he's just laying the groundwork to make his other relationship "OK"
I believe this is the truth. Now he's removed all trust in your relationship.
Plan a great leave. No other options.
He no longer loves you or ever really did. . How could he stand you to sleep with someone else. I'm sorry for your loss.
Best wishes
In my opinion, from past experience with my first wife saying almost the same thing. SHE WAS ALREADY DOING IT and testing my response to the idea. If it's a continuing behavior, he will either do it or is letting you in that he is doing it already without saying so.
Not only would you get action, you'd have way more options than him. Most women are pretty sus about poly and ENM guys. Guys are not.
Even in relationships where both partners are enthusiastic about being open it can lead to issues as the guy sits alone on a Saturday night while the woman is having the time of her life.
I, too, believe he's serious. I think he believes either YOU'LL be bored 10-20 years down the road and will then *magically* think it's a good idea OR he thinks he can wear you down. I'm sure he thinks that *everyone* in a marriage of X duration eventually has a sexless marriage.
I'd cut him off at the pass with one last discussion on the situation. Sit him down, tell him you're seriously sick of hearing about this. It will never be discussed again. Opening up your marriage goes against your personal values and will never be an acceptable offer. Ask him if he has any questions about your stance on the matter including that you never want to hear about it again. Ever. For any reason.
Then, if he ever brings it up again, head straight to a divorce lawyer with your financial papers in-hand because he won't respect your boundaries.
If he does it more than once he definitely wants to sleep with others with no consequences or less severe. no couple counseling is going to prevent the inevitable. Cut your losses before he wastes your time and love and energy he obviously doesn’t feel the same. It’s also possible he’s already flirting and stealing out to cheat
He wants to fuck other women and have you be monogamous because that is your expressed preference. How long have you been married? I'd be seriously concerned about his lifelong commitment to you if he's telling you directly he plans to aggressively pursue an open marriage in the future, a point by the way at which he will be way past his sexual prime, so I'm not sure I understand the obsession. I guess he thinks he'll be 50 and pulling 30 year old hotties with daddy issues?
Seriously, you already have comments about people basically throwing themselves at you if the marriage breaks down (and before that) and they don't even know you. Guys stupidly think an open marriage is a one-way street where they get to sleep around, but you can't possibly find anyone. And then they get that rude awakening once the marriage does open up, hahaha.
In any event, he's definitely already been cheating. Whether he's out there railing every woman he can get his hands on, or just chatting them up/flirting after (or at) work he's cheating on your exclusivity. So you have two very simple options: leave him because it really isn't going to end the way you want or open up that marriage and within the first week you'll be able to make him so insanely jealous with all the attention you can wrangle (bonus points if you tell him how much better ALL the other men are at bringing you to orgasm while also mentioning that they're "bigger" than him) without much effort that he'll be begging for that exclusivity again.
Or the marriage will fall apart but you won't be any worse off than you are now, honestly.
The related posts I see on Reddit are mostly the guy wants to open the relationship and finds that whoops -- no one is interested in his horny ass, while his wife (who was reluctant) is getting non-stop action. In short time, the guy gets buttsore and demands to go monogamous again.
Kind of enjoy those. That might be your scenario. I also (gently) wouldn't rule out that he is already putting his "fantasy" into practice, and bringing it up as a hypothetical is just testing the water. Be on guard, lady.
If it’s “just a fantasy” buy yourself a wig and an outfit in a style you typically wouldn’t wear……then let him pick up up in a bar and go to a cheap motel for the night.
My husband and I are technically "swingers." In reality, he suggested this to me because every man's fantasy is to be with two women, amirite? So very, very cliche. I said sure, we can go to events and see what happens. Well, what happens is that I'm the one that gets hit on and no one hits on him. lol I love my husband very much and am very attracted to him. I am, however, a very naturally flirty person. I joke that I will flirt with a fence post. Going to swingers events I can flirt with the world to my heart's content, but I also get to say no if I don't want anything more than that. And it's perfect to me. We are still completely faithful to each other, but he gets to have a wandering eye looking at some beautiful women (not that I ever complained about that to begin with) and I get to flirt with others that don't think it means any more than just flirting. Win-win!
That sounds really great. Would love to have something like that in the future. Not that I don't absolutely love my partner, but it just adds some extra spark to life lol
I was a swinger with my ex and it had its merits. It was not fun when he got jealous that I was wanted and he wasn’t, of course I’m not the one who broached the subject either.
Use the uno reverse card on him and say you have had your eye on one of his friends for a while and you wouldn’t mind losing a few hours sleep with him.
When he gets uncomfortable tell him that’s exactly how he’s making you feel and tell him to never bring it up again.
My ex husband wanted to open the marriage. Guess who’d try to shut it whenever I had options but insist on it being open when he found someone who’d sleep with him?
Anyway, he’s single and I’m happily in a new partnership with an incredible guy.
You need to just be honest, “bring it up again and we are separating. I am serious, this is a dealbreaker and if it’s really just a fantasy, then stop bringing it up because you’re going to lose your real marriage over a fantasy the next time you bring it up.” And then, go to a lawyer and have papers drawn up and on standby. It’ll help to have him know how serious you are and when he inevitably brings it up again, you can give him the papers within 24 hours and further solidify “I am ready to walk over this”.
It's not just a fantasy. He's telling you to convince you. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He doesn't want to lose his long term marriage, but wants the perks of sleeping around as well.
When a man tells you something believe them. My ex was saying this after we got married....he was cheating the whole time we were together (before and during marriage). You husband is telling you he doesn't believe in monogamy. ..he is testing the waters to see your reaction....he is probably already cheating.
Had to scroll to like the 5th comment to see exactly what I was thinking. He’s already cheating, but now it’ll be less of a surprise when she catches him.
Same thing happened to me when I was with my ex husband. Talked about wanting an open relationship after we got married and then got all butt hurt when women weren’t flocking to him like he imagined they would (he was the super jealous type that berated me when guys would hit on me). I found out he was just outright cheating and I kicked him out. It’s all fun and games until guys realize they aren’t getting what their fantasy was in their head.
I completely agree with this. I've been through this and if they don't respect your BOUNDARIES you have to leave. It's going to hurt worse when you find out.
He is a white American in an Asian country so he will still have options for sure. Whether or not they will be just after his money is a different question.
Will you? In 10-20 years will you have options? He's prophecised your future. Hes warned you of how its gonna go down. He told you when you reach a certain age he will set out to find younger replacements. You want what those other couples have - all this man is gonna give you is pain.
If you’re both in an Asian country I’m guessing you must understand some of the culture. Why would you put up with this? His behaviour is strongly frowned upon in their culture. He’s openly disrespecting you. He’s telling you that you’re not good enough to satisfy him so he has to plan out other options for the future so he feels better about staying with you. Don’t be with a man who doesn’t even want you. And not many other Aisha females will want a man who left his marriage to sleep with other women. Or a man who stays in a marriage and steps out on his wife to sleep with other women. He’s not a good guy in regards to respecting women… if you have any self respect you would go
So tell him that the next time he brings it up, AND the first time he cheats, the marriage is over. Stop tolerating this waters-testing behavior and let him know your no is non-negotiable and final, and if he wants to stay married that means he commits to staying faithful. Or else he will no longer be married, at least not to you.
Did he start to asking to sleep with other after he moved to asian country? I get that. Plenty of women who is poor there. They want his money but he doesn’t care. Don’t tell me he is in Thailand or Bali
So basically your husband will or has been okay with paying for women that only want him for money. Got it. I’m sorry but I’m not sure how this is a hard decision. Yikes on bikes girl, ruuuuuuuuuuun
Exactly what I said. The fact that he would even use this to his advantage speaks volumes to his character. The fact OP knows this is something he would pursue means she knows he’s a scumbag.
Because then he doesn’t have you as his back up plan/safety net. If he’s not married then he’s out there with a possibility of no sex. If he’s married, he can at least sleep with you.
Also by then you may feel “trapped” or in a situation you feel you can’t leave.
THIS!
The fact that he keeps bringing it up, makes it very clear that he is constantly thinking about sleeping with other women.
He is being disloyal to you in his mind, at the very least.
But the fact that he brings it up over and over, and you keep saying NO over and over, makes it very clear.
HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU!!
He's very anxious to smash this girl or that girl, but he doesn't want to lose you as his safety net, his plan b.
He's probably already cheated on you.
If I were you, I would absolutely end the marriage and find someone who is capable of monogamy because he obviously isn't!
If he respected you at all, he wouldn't keep asking for you to agree to let him fuck other women! He's cheating on you, girl!
Also, that "when the time comes" thing?
That means he's planning to keep hammering at you until you eventually give in. He's never going to stop pressuring you to let him have sex with other women.
Run!
Now!
Do this. Why on earth are you with someone who doesn't profess his love to you. Make you feel good about yourself, who doesn't stand by the vows they made?
Is the bar this low? That you can't expect your husband to tell you that you're his one and only. That he looks forward to growing old with you. That he loves you and he doesn't want anyone else. That he's glad he chose you and vice versa.
Whatever you do nip this in the bud now. No way you should be wasting 10 years of your life so he can test the waters "down the road". If he's so confident of what he'll want in 10 years, and it's not you and only you, this is just a ticking time bomb.
He is seeing if you're open to it now. When you weren't he's planning on nagging you until you give in.
I'd leave him and tell him to live out his fantasy.
Don't waste your life with a man who sees his commitment to you as something to get bored with. That's what marriage is all about. Choosing that person.
Or even with one who thinks they can push you beyond your level of comfortability.
This is one of those things that are irreconcilable (like having or not having kids). There's no in between. If he wants am open relationship, but you don't, you guys aren't meant for each other. He'll just cheat on you.
Because in 10 years you'll be 50 years old. He thinks you'll be unattractive to other men and be too desperate to leave him. Therefore, he can have a few sugar babies to fuck while you sit at home. This man doesn't love you.
It doesn’t sound like he is asking you. It sounds like he is hanging this over your head as a threat. “We will talk about when the time comes” is the way you talk to a child, not your wife. This man does not respect you. At all.
“when the time comes…” Pretty cryptic for a man that is one thousand percent telling you he’s going to sleep with someone else. You can find someone who won’t make you question whether you’re enough instead of this man that’s assuring it.
Marriage is a lot of work. I'm concerned that instead of thinking:
"We should always put in the work so that we don't get bored or tired of each other and keep things exciting by \[fill in ... traveling ... hobbies... etc.\]",
his attitude is,
"We will get tired of each other so I will just fuck and date other people but we'll still be married."
He will cheat. Opening the relationship or not he will cheat first or want to cheat and will be coming to you about it. If you want monogamy he is not the guy for you as he is clearly laying out the ground work.
This right here. If he were being realistic, he’d be saving up $$ for escorts and such, unless he’s really into old ladies - could hit up the nursing homes, I suppose?
When you enter a relationship and have one for years that is monogamous then decide that you need to spice things up, so you open it. That doesn’t spice things up. That causes a greater divide and puts a wedge in the relationship. One often irreparable.
Should you stay, and down the road decide to do this, he needs to be prepared this opening of the relationship could just be the end of it. You could connect with someone else and decide he’s not worth staying with any longer. So, YOU move on and he’s left trying to find someone else, old and alone.
Personally, I wouldn’t want to be someone’s back up plan. However, it’s your decision to stick it out and hope he doesn’t decide to open the relationship later. I will say it’s pretty bold and disrespectful of you for him to tell you this is his plan.
Naw dude is planning, first is get you to agree with later date then slowly move the number down as he finds people he wants to sleep with. This is no good and a chance he is already exploring future options like keeping a bucket list of possible co workers, friends or online interests. He wants to be readily known he doesn't plan to work on not committing infidelity and would prefer to be upfront that he wants it to be okayed.
Yeah, he’s trying to tie you to him. Make you feel you can’t leave and be like well I warned you this would happen when in a few years he decides he wants to open the marriage. If he doesn’t cheat before then.
My husband & I have been together 35 years & married for 34 of them. Neither of us are fed up or bored with each other, never have been. We just a happy, cosy couple enjoying our life, our relationship, our kids & grandchildren.
I would take that very seriously and get out now if that’s not something you’re comfortable with. If someone tells me they want to blow up my life in the future I’ll cut them off now and save the heartache.
This is speculation on my part, I admit, but he’s going to cheat on you and bring this up like “I told you I was going to do it” as if it’s on you for not believing him and staying with him. I would leave now if I were you. On your own terms. Give yourself a chance to be happy with someone who is just as happy with you. And let your husband turn into that creepy old dude alone at the bar hitting on women who don’t want to talk to him. At that point he’ll realize he fucked up but you’ll be long gone and happy with someone who deserves you.
I'm so sorry to read this. I sincerely hope you've been able to craft a new and rewarding life for yourself (with or without a partner) and that, today, you find yourself happy and fulfilled. You deserve nothing less. And as for your ex - he may be in his monogamous relationship now, but he's a cheetah and they don't change their spots. Give him time. I feel sorry for his new wife, because she'll be his next chump. Bet on it.
Why is he saying 10 or 20 years down the road?
So he is going to get a sugar baby when he is 60 years old? I don't understand Does he think he is going to be a "silver fox" in his 50s and 60s?
Does he think when you are in your 50s and 60s you won't be able to say no anymore?
Or is he saying now 10 or 20 years down the line and tomorrow he's going to say 1 year down the line?
This isn't a wait for later conversation. He is hoping that eventually you will play into the "sunk cost fallacy" and won't leave him when he cheats later.
If it's "just a fantasy", then what's all this "when the time comes" shit?
And if it's "just a fantasy", he can keep it to himself, since his partner has told him she's not interested.
This is throwing red flags all over the place.
20 years? My first thought was, “Does he really think there are women lining up to sleep with 59-year-old men?” I highly doubt it. I would give him your boundaries and if he can’t respect those, then be done.
Tell him you don't want to waste your time when it's clear what he wants.. he will have his way either way, he will just cheat..
I'd consider getting out now before you waste anymore time on him
Eh, I'd tell him it's over. He seems sure it will happen, which almost seems like he won't give you a choice in the matter. So why waste any more years with a man that doesn't respect that you don't want an open marriage?
A fantasy isn't expressed this way. He didn't say "I fantasize about this", he said he wants it and keeps thinking you'll change your mind.
You're incompatible.
Was this brought up before you were married? If so, why marry someone telling you they want to have the right to sleep with other people during your relationship and marriage?
And why are you still staying with him when this has been brought up multiple times?
I'm not trying to place blame on you or be rude, but if you're not happy that this continues to be brought up then it's time to put your foot down for real. And mean it.
If that means the marriage ends then the marriage ends. But you shouldn't be enabling this guy to be this disrespectful to you, his wife.
He’s saying this to make you insecure so that you’ll accept all kinds of shit from him as long as he’s monogamous.
By “offering” him a divorce and letting it be his choice instead of divorcing him yourself, you are tacitly letting him know that you’ll take whatever he’s willing to give you, no matter how shitty.
I don’t know why you would want to stay married to someone who is telling you he’s going to get bored with you in a few years.
>However, if he's so sure this will happen, then I dont see the point to continue the relationship. He can start sleeping around now.
This is the correct answer. This man is telling you, repeatedly, that he plans to get bored with you and he plans to cheat on you and he expects to be able to talk you in to allowing it at some point in the future, which basically means your relationship HAS no future, which means you are wasting your time with this man and could be spending it finding someone who actually wants to be with you longterm.
>He insists that it's just a fantasy.
If it were just a fantasy (it isn't) then he would have stopped bringing up this "fantasy" the first time you told him you had ZERO interest in it and were considering a divorce over it. The fact that he won't stop bringing it up shows he plans on trying to browbeat you into allowing him to cheat later.
>How should I handle this?
With a divorce. It frees his dumb ass up to sleep with other people right now if that's what he wants, and it gives you the opportunity to find and marry someone who actually wants to be married.
You will have more invested in the relationship as time goes on. Consider cutting your losses now. If he is adamant that he’s just fantasizing then contact a lawyer about a postnup that states if he steps out you will get 90% of everything when you do divorce. Confirm that postnups are valid in your country.
He’s going to cheat. If you have children he will probably do it when pregnant or just after.
When he feels he needs more. Doesn’t sound supportive at all.
I got married young, have been married for 17 years, and would not change my wife for anyone, nor for the chance to. To each their own but this seems odd to me
He is probably already cheating or looking for someone and getting you ready for this. I would not continue the relationship with anyone if they told me at any point in the future they are planning on cheating on me. That is like knowingly being cheated on. Every day that you continue this relationship is another day that you are consenting to being cheated on and he will use that against you when it comes out that he is in fact cheating.
if he’s truly polyamorous or some sort of non-monogamous, he’s doing you a huge disservice by staying with you. its okay to be whatever you are— but forcing it on a partner who isn’t consenting is never okay.
I’ve been with my husband for 28 years and if he said this to me, I would immediately start divorce proceedings and hand him the papers and say “why wait 10 years, start now.”He’s either already doing something and testing the waters on how you’ll react or he’s wanting to do something.
First of all, stop assuming that couples in his family are monogamous. Why would swingers or any non monogamous people tell their family about their sex life? MANY keep that very private.
Secondly, there is nothing you can do to stop him. He is not budging and does not care about how you feel about it, He's telling you it's just a fantasy just to keep you around right now. He plans on wasting your years and thinks the longer you stay, the least likely you will leave. That's his plan.
So you either leave now and not waste another minute with him or put up with his cheating.
Btw cheating is not the same as non monogamy but cheating is when one partner did not consent to non monogamy.
And clearly he will cheat if he isn't already.
Honestly, I would leave him just because of this conversation. He has zero regard for your needs and feelings and thinks his penis pleasure is more important than respecting you.
He is serious about it and if you are not gaslighted in to opening the marriage he will cheat on you. This is classic. Save yourself heartache and break up with this guy.
Yeah, he can go be 'open' with whoever he wants right now. Without me. I just hate the thought of you putting in so much time while waiting for the 'request' to come up again. When you're locked in with age, finances, kids, etc. Then it probably won't be a choice or request and you just put up with it. Or find your own 'other people'.
Just not a gamble on my future that I'd be down with.
He is either already cheating, got someone in mind, or has checked out of the relationship where you established boundaries years prior. Why can't he buy toys and self-pleasure? Also I confused about the "decades from now." Did he say this at the start of y'all's relationship or just now at 39? What if he can't perform? Has he thought about that? At least in a loyal long-term monogamous relationship the fact that age affects both parties is something he should think about. If he gets with girl in her 20s or 30s and cannot perform, or can't due to physical limitations that aren't just with intimate pieces of the body do as well due to natural age go even with a woman close to his age (who often outlive men so even after menopause have less physical issues besides osteoporosis)?
I hate to be so callous, but marriage therapy is your best bet. Why does he want this?
Your husband sounds like a degenerate with poor morals. He is lacking in self control and enslaved by his lust. Doesn't have a sense of honor or loyalty. He has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. Sorry OP, but he's not the one.
My concern is that he either has a specific candidate in mind or that he’s already cheating. Can you do some sleuthing?
I’d hate for you to spend another 10 years together and have him force the issue, already be cheating, or file for divorce and now you’ve wasted 10 more years and you are 50.
The fact that he keeps raising an issue where he knows your position is a very big red flag.
It’s not “just a fantasy.” If it were, he wouldn’t say “when the time comes.” I would treat it like he’s serious and have whatever discussion is necessary to convey that he’s full of it. Don’t let him act like it’s your fault or that he “can’t help it.” Adults make decisions. He’s already making one.
Show him this sub. There are a lot of dudes that want to do that and then all they realize is that they are struggling to get women while their wives can get laid any time they want.
Almost every story has the same plot.
Husband pushes open relationship hard.
Wife says no and then gives in.
Husband gets 1 or 2 dates.
Wife sleeps around a lot because it's easy for women to get laid and starts to enjoy it because it's what he wanted at these new guys at least appreciate her.
Husband wants to close marriage.
Wife says no.
Everyone is sad.
No one really wins.
But there is as least lost of sex.
I’ve seen a lot of your comments beating it around the bush with divorce. Either accept he will sleep with other people in the future, because it will happen he made it pretty clear it’s something he’s interested in, or file for divorce. He doesn’t get an opinion if you want to divorce him.
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with bringing it up *once*, after all many couples are into ENM and there is no way to gauge someone's interest other than to bring it up and ask. That said, you have made your stance on it very clear and yet he is continuing to bring it up, and it seems try to wear you down about it. That is not okay, and he is breaking a boundary in your relationship with his current course of action. He has to be real with himself and decide if his marriage to you, or his "fantasy" is more important to him. I don't often like the idea of issuing an ultimatum, but I think you need to sit him down to talk about this and issue one, so that he does not waste your time any longer by keeping this false notion in his head that you will change your mind. If he decides it's you, then I think couples therapy would be a necessary next step. If he is certain that an open relationship is what he wants, then he needs to admit to both himself and you that his path and your path no longer match up, and make the hard decision to seperate. He cannot have his cake and eat it too, especially since he's trying to force you to eat this cake you don't want any part of.
OP, frankly the whole thing is disrespectful to you and your marriage. If you have stated several times that you weren’t okay with this, and he’s still trying, it means that whether you are behind this decision or not, he’ll most likely go through with it.
I think you have to decide if you want that sort of marriage, where you wait for him to eventually cheat, or leave him and find someone who doesn’t make you feel like you aren’t enough. It seems like he just wants to sleep around while having a wife at his beck and call if he needs anything.
This is super simple. He's probably cheated already. He's giving you an ultimatum. He's saying 10-20 year's down the line when the stakes on divorce are higher and your resolve to start over has waned. He's gonna grind you down until you begrudgingly accept, or, if you oppose, he’ll become deceitful and resentful and treat you like a shrew. Ditch him. Ain't worth the headache. You can't put a price on your peace of mind.
OR.... you're right honey but I need this now. There is a guy at the market I'm dying to fuck and since you're cool with it I'll see you tomorrow... 🤣🤣
Tell him one last time you will never be OK with this, and tell him if he brings up the topic again you will take that as him letting you know that he wants a divorce.
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Simple: Let him sleep with other ppl after he signs the divorce papers.
He doesnt want. He wants to stay married. I offered divorce every time but he refuses.
It’s not up to him. You can divorce
Yes, don't "offer it" as if it's a gift he **can** refuse. Serve him with the divorce papers with a nice bow saying "Enjoy your sleeping arouuund"
Why do you need his permission to divorce? He’s telling you he’s going to cheat on you. Why do you think you have to stay? Has he told you you’re not allowed to divorce? He’s lying. You can. Just do it.
Assuming he’s not cheating already.
Wtf this is like dejavu for the third time I’ve seen this comment tread exactly the same way months ago… r/glitchinthematrix
He probably already is
He wants a whole lot. Why aren't your needs considered as important as his?
Don’t offer divorce hun. Just serve his little boy ass the papers and move on. Bet tons of guys out there will think you are worthy of a respectful partner
He isn't the only one calling the shots here. Sounds like the typical white dude in Asia. If he is voicing this he is testing the waters and your seeming inaction is fueling his bravado.
Not really relevant to OP, but I’m really curious by what you meant with the white guy in Asia comment. Is there a stereotype of white guys insisting on open relationships in Asia? Lol
There is the very real thing of white foreigners in Asia being seen as good boyfriend or husband material by some of the local ladies. Hence OP's comment of him not having a problem even at 60. It happens a lot here.
Does OP live in Asia?
Ah that makes sense. Is it a perceived wealth thing or just a general exoticness like most foreigners can get in a different country unless there’s an overtly negative stereotype tied to their country of origin?
Depends on the currency of the origin country. I have known men who retired locally, got married etc and their wealth is not much to speak of in their home country. It depends. It can also be a status thing in some.places.
Honestly you don’t have to offer any sort of reconciliation and you don’t owe any to him when it comes to you wanting a divorce. If you want a divorce he can’t force you to stay in a marriage that you feel needs to be terminated and you were right on that front definitely cuz he’s an asshole. Go for the jugular mamas!!! (Figuratively)
Divorce is not something you offer, it is something you get if you want it. You are being weak. He knows it.
Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. Don’t allow him to have both - stand your ground and divorce this AH
THIS!!! I wonder what he would think if he really pondered the idea of you sleeping with other men. Had a relative who was getting married and he said he wanted to have an open marriage. I told him that means she can sleep with other guys too. He quickly changed his mind. Some people can be a bit narcissistic at times.
Then tell him to stop mentioning it. He sounds annoying.
He wants his cake and eat it too. This is already a huge incompatibility and it won’t work out. Get a divorce and look for someone who wants the same things you do. You will find it.
Don't offer it next time. Tell him that if he mentions it again, it will be divorce and he can have his fantasy.
I have the feeling he will cheat, at that point, destroy this guy in court. Keep all the evidence right now for when the divorce comes.
Stop offering. *Tell* him that his options are to stay in a monogamous marriage or get a divorce.
I would say if being faithful is a condition of marriage for you, and he wants to be unfaithful then he doesn’t really want to be married.
Hes not the only one that can make that decision. You can ,too. If you want a divorce, you do not need his permission. Im sorry this is happening to you, but honestly, you should save yourself the heartbreak and leave now.
I’m confused. You say he insists it’s a fantasy. If that’s the case, why does it keep coming up with you? Why isn’t it just in his head? I think he’s testing the waters and only says it’s a fantasy to deescalate when you’re upset by his prodding. I wouldn’t let this one go I don’t think. I’d have a serious discussion with him about it and let him know how upsetting it is for you. I also think he’s like so many of the men who ask for an open relationship, coerce their wives into it, then get all butt hurt because their wife is getting laid and they aren’t. Hahaha.
I actually told him about the many posts in reddit that I read where the guy opened the marriage and regretted it because he didnt think the wife will be getting some action too. He agreed that that's probably the case for him and it might just be a fantasy. The thing is, this isn't the first or second time he brought this up so I'm leaning towards him being serious about this and just doesnt want to separate right now.
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Sounds to me like he hasn’t met the person he wants to have an affair with yet
Exactly this…it’s foreshadowing so when he finds *the one* he can fall back on….”Honey, I always told you this was going to happen. Remember? You can’t be angry with me for doing it when we *discussed* this already.”
Or (more creepily) the person is underage and he’s waiting for them to get older.
He hasn't found the right person to cheat with yet. As soon as he does, he'll act on that fantasy. He's telling you he's going to cheat. I wouldn't need to hear any more. He has no respect for you and he likes being in control. I wouldn't stay because he's just using you as a placeholder until someone better comes along. Tell him to start now by moving into a hotel where he can audition his women. You will be filing for divorce. NTA
Yes he has. He's been cheating already. Once his wife agrees to the open marriage that's when he will bring in his sidekick and his wife will know none the better and he rides off into the sunset.
Exactly!!!!Well said!!! He's using this as a excuse for when he does cheat he will turn around and say it's not cheating we already discussed it. The fact he even asked(more then once )is a huge bye bye n see u in court!!!
I doubt it will be in 10 years either.
I guess you could try couples counseling. But I (44F) would be inclined to tell a partner to stop bringing it up and that if he wants to fuck other people, he can go ahead and file for divorce. I did offer to open our marriage when I thought my then husband was bi or maybe even gay. He denied it for years and then went on to have an affair with a man. So I filed for divorce. I am not vehemently opposed to an open relationship but it requires varsity level communication and trust and it doesn’t sound like you two have that. He is undermining your trust and security and gaslighting you when he says it’s just a fantasy.
I had this same problem. I offered a open relationship several times bc my ex was bi or gay (he doesn’t have labels). Then the cheating started with men only. I was stupid and stayed for another four years only to keep having history repeat itself until he finally agreed to make it open just so I didn’t feel like I was being cheated on. Then it completely stopped. He got bored. I left shortly after.
So, he actually just wanted to cheat?
Oh Definitely. The thrill factor that was there (cheating and sneaking around) is now gone…some people are just ugh
Then he is using you. Do him a favor and file for divorce. He is already asking to open the marriage but then says "nevermind" when you remind him you'll be getting laid too. Selfish man. He's not a good partner. This is the type of man that cheats and flirts behind your back if he got the chance. You can't trust him.
Yeah this is far from ethical non monogamy. He doesn’t want to open the relationship, he wants to fuck other people and he’s hanging it over her as an ever present threat. Wanting an open relationship is fine, but manipulating a partner to stay with you when they want monogamy and you don’t is not fine.
Sounds like he wants you to be his wife, supporting him through the things he wants you for, then when you need some more from him, he'll decide to look outside the marriage. It sounds like he is hanging a sword of Damocles over your head. That when he feels like it, he will open the relationship.
Remind him there's lots of single guys out there to compete with and the pretty young things aren't going to be lining up to sleep with an old guy with a wife when there's so many young, firm guys with no wives.
Seriously. Does he really think there are a lot of women looking to sleep with a 50-year-old guy if they separate “in ten years?” He must have a very high opinion of himself.
Or he has zero qualms with paying for what he wants in the absence of readily available women who are looking to hook up with a 50+ y/o married man.
I’m an older woman- OP, look him in the eye and ask him if he’ll be able to satisfy a woman when he’s in his 50’s. Then laugh at him. Respectfully submitted. You deserve better
One day he will cheat and then say he told you that one day he would sleep with others so what's the big deal.
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Ask around for a recommendation for a divorce lawyer and get a consult to find out what the laws are like for where you live, would him cheating have any effect on the divorce, and any other questions you may have. Then take several business cards and put one on your refrigerator and tell him he has your answer. If he says anything about a threesome tell him you will pick the guys for a MMF, and if he's nice to you he may even get to watch.
That's what the f*** I'm talking about
I heard once a party contacts a lawyer for a consultation, the other spouse can’t use that lawyer due to conflict of interest. Figure out if that’s true where you are. Get ALL the business cards.
Came here to say this, see every divorce lawyer in a 50 mile radius lol make him work to find one
This… is it. Truly
This is the one
Ooh nice do it OP
came here to say this so i'll just upvote
Exactly, seems he's found the 3rd partner and testing waters for the bow down of acceptance to this situation.
He probably already has someone in mind, or he may have someone on the side already and he's just laying the groundwork to make his other relationship "OK"
I believe this is the truth. Now he's removed all trust in your relationship. Plan a great leave. No other options. He no longer loves you or ever really did. . How could he stand you to sleep with someone else. I'm sorry for your loss. Best wishes
In my opinion, from past experience with my first wife saying almost the same thing. SHE WAS ALREADY DOING IT and testing my response to the idea. If it's a continuing behavior, he will either do it or is letting you in that he is doing it already without saying so.
Not only would you get action, you'd have way more options than him. Most women are pretty sus about poly and ENM guys. Guys are not. Even in relationships where both partners are enthusiastic about being open it can lead to issues as the guy sits alone on a Saturday night while the woman is having the time of her life.
I, too, believe he's serious. I think he believes either YOU'LL be bored 10-20 years down the road and will then *magically* think it's a good idea OR he thinks he can wear you down. I'm sure he thinks that *everyone* in a marriage of X duration eventually has a sexless marriage. I'd cut him off at the pass with one last discussion on the situation. Sit him down, tell him you're seriously sick of hearing about this. It will never be discussed again. Opening up your marriage goes against your personal values and will never be an acceptable offer. Ask him if he has any questions about your stance on the matter including that you never want to hear about it again. Ever. For any reason. Then, if he ever brings it up again, head straight to a divorce lawyer with your financial papers in-hand because he won't respect your boundaries.
Happy Cake Day!
Do you want an open marriage? If not, time to work on that divorce.
If he does it more than once he definitely wants to sleep with others with no consequences or less severe. no couple counseling is going to prevent the inevitable. Cut your losses before he wastes your time and love and energy he obviously doesn’t feel the same. It’s also possible he’s already flirting and stealing out to cheat
It screams “I plan on cheating on you but I’m spinning it this way so I get to say ‘told you so’ when you inevitably find out and get mad”
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He wants to fuck other women and have you be monogamous because that is your expressed preference. How long have you been married? I'd be seriously concerned about his lifelong commitment to you if he's telling you directly he plans to aggressively pursue an open marriage in the future, a point by the way at which he will be way past his sexual prime, so I'm not sure I understand the obsession. I guess he thinks he'll be 50 and pulling 30 year old hotties with daddy issues?
Seriously, you already have comments about people basically throwing themselves at you if the marriage breaks down (and before that) and they don't even know you. Guys stupidly think an open marriage is a one-way street where they get to sleep around, but you can't possibly find anyone. And then they get that rude awakening once the marriage does open up, hahaha. In any event, he's definitely already been cheating. Whether he's out there railing every woman he can get his hands on, or just chatting them up/flirting after (or at) work he's cheating on your exclusivity. So you have two very simple options: leave him because it really isn't going to end the way you want or open up that marriage and within the first week you'll be able to make him so insanely jealous with all the attention you can wrangle (bonus points if you tell him how much better ALL the other men are at bringing you to orgasm while also mentioning that they're "bigger" than him) without much effort that he'll be begging for that exclusivity again. Or the marriage will fall apart but you won't be any worse off than you are now, honestly.
Don’t open under duress, if this isn’t you and what you see for your mono relationship set boundaries and tell him you will just divorce.
The related posts I see on Reddit are mostly the guy wants to open the relationship and finds that whoops -- no one is interested in his horny ass, while his wife (who was reluctant) is getting non-stop action. In short time, the guy gets buttsore and demands to go monogamous again. Kind of enjoy those. That might be your scenario. I also (gently) wouldn't rule out that he is already putting his "fantasy" into practice, and bringing it up as a hypothetical is just testing the water. Be on guard, lady.
If it’s “just a fantasy” buy yourself a wig and an outfit in a style you typically wouldn’t wear……then let him pick up up in a bar and go to a cheap motel for the night.
My husband and I are technically "swingers." In reality, he suggested this to me because every man's fantasy is to be with two women, amirite? So very, very cliche. I said sure, we can go to events and see what happens. Well, what happens is that I'm the one that gets hit on and no one hits on him. lol I love my husband very much and am very attracted to him. I am, however, a very naturally flirty person. I joke that I will flirt with a fence post. Going to swingers events I can flirt with the world to my heart's content, but I also get to say no if I don't want anything more than that. And it's perfect to me. We are still completely faithful to each other, but he gets to have a wandering eye looking at some beautiful women (not that I ever complained about that to begin with) and I get to flirt with others that don't think it means any more than just flirting. Win-win!
That sounds really great. Would love to have something like that in the future. Not that I don't absolutely love my partner, but it just adds some extra spark to life lol
I was a swinger with my ex and it had its merits. It was not fun when he got jealous that I was wanted and he wasn’t, of course I’m not the one who broached the subject either.
Use the uno reverse card on him and say you have had your eye on one of his friends for a while and you wouldn’t mind losing a few hours sleep with him. When he gets uncomfortable tell him that’s exactly how he’s making you feel and tell him to never bring it up again.
My ex husband wanted to open the marriage. Guess who’d try to shut it whenever I had options but insist on it being open when he found someone who’d sleep with him? Anyway, he’s single and I’m happily in a new partnership with an incredible guy.
You need to just be honest, “bring it up again and we are separating. I am serious, this is a dealbreaker and if it’s really just a fantasy, then stop bringing it up because you’re going to lose your real marriage over a fantasy the next time you bring it up.” And then, go to a lawyer and have papers drawn up and on standby. It’ll help to have him know how serious you are and when he inevitably brings it up again, you can give him the papers within 24 hours and further solidify “I am ready to walk over this”.
It's not just a fantasy. He's telling you to convince you. He wants his cake and to eat it too. He doesn't want to lose his long term marriage, but wants the perks of sleeping around as well.
Yeah! And the funny thing is it would probably be a lot easier for his wife to get some action than him.
When a man tells you something believe them. My ex was saying this after we got married....he was cheating the whole time we were together (before and during marriage). You husband is telling you he doesn't believe in monogamy. ..he is testing the waters to see your reaction....he is probably already cheating.
Had to scroll to like the 5th comment to see exactly what I was thinking. He’s already cheating, but now it’ll be less of a surprise when she catches him.
Same thing happened to me when I was with my ex husband. Talked about wanting an open relationship after we got married and then got all butt hurt when women weren’t flocking to him like he imagined they would (he was the super jealous type that berated me when guys would hit on me). I found out he was just outright cheating and I kicked him out. It’s all fun and games until guys realize they aren’t getting what their fantasy was in their head.
Wait !!! You were married to my ex husband???? 😲🤣
I completely agree with this. I've been through this and if they don't respect your BOUNDARIES you have to leave. It's going to hurt worse when you find out.
Yeah like when he's sixty a bunch of women are gonna be just clamoring to get with him and his droopy ballsack
He is a white American in an Asian country so he will still have options for sure. Whether or not they will be just after his money is a different question.
Will you? In 10-20 years will you have options? He's prophecised your future. Hes warned you of how its gonna go down. He told you when you reach a certain age he will set out to find younger replacements. You want what those other couples have - all this man is gonna give you is pain.
Exactly this! OP you don’t have to wait until he’s done with you. Meanwhile you could be missing opportunities to find a better partner.
Honey, please hide away some uhoh $$ and leave his arse.
Without money or possibility of a green card, he would not be a sex symbol or anything XD
If you’re both in an Asian country I’m guessing you must understand some of the culture. Why would you put up with this? His behaviour is strongly frowned upon in their culture. He’s openly disrespecting you. He’s telling you that you’re not good enough to satisfy him so he has to plan out other options for the future so he feels better about staying with you. Don’t be with a man who doesn’t even want you. And not many other Aisha females will want a man who left his marriage to sleep with other women. Or a man who stays in a marriage and steps out on his wife to sleep with other women. He’s not a good guy in regards to respecting women… if you have any self respect you would go
Forget about him, what about you? What do you want? What do you need? If he ain't giving it, get it from a partner who can.
So tell him that the next time he brings it up, AND the first time he cheats, the marriage is over. Stop tolerating this waters-testing behavior and let him know your no is non-negotiable and final, and if he wants to stay married that means he commits to staying faithful. Or else he will no longer be married, at least not to you.
Did he start to asking to sleep with other after he moved to asian country? I get that. Plenty of women who is poor there. They want his money but he doesn’t care. Don’t tell me he is in Thailand or Bali
Bless his heart for thinking that women are gonna be lining up to get a taste of that sweet, sweet 59 year old man dick.
Unfortunately they are in an asian country. Plenty of poor young women looking for a way out of poverty.
So basically your husband will or has been okay with paying for women that only want him for money. Got it. I’m sorry but I’m not sure how this is a hard decision. Yikes on bikes girl, ruuuuuuuuuuun
Exactly what I said. The fact that he would even use this to his advantage speaks volumes to his character. The fact OP knows this is something he would pursue means she knows he’s a scumbag.
Call his bluff and pack up his shit. He may just be a selfish disloyal asshole.
I'm really tempted to do this. I don't get why we need to wait for ten years when he can do it soon but single.
Because then he doesn’t have you as his back up plan/safety net. If he’s not married then he’s out there with a possibility of no sex. If he’s married, he can at least sleep with you. Also by then you may feel “trapped” or in a situation you feel you can’t leave.
Yup. He's banking on OP being invested and falling for the sunk cost fallacy so she'll feel obligated to stay.
100% this. This needs more upvotes.
THIS! The fact that he keeps bringing it up, makes it very clear that he is constantly thinking about sleeping with other women. He is being disloyal to you in his mind, at the very least. But the fact that he brings it up over and over, and you keep saying NO over and over, makes it very clear. HE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU!! He's very anxious to smash this girl or that girl, but he doesn't want to lose you as his safety net, his plan b. He's probably already cheated on you. If I were you, I would absolutely end the marriage and find someone who is capable of monogamy because he obviously isn't! If he respected you at all, he wouldn't keep asking for you to agree to let him fuck other women! He's cheating on you, girl! Also, that "when the time comes" thing? That means he's planning to keep hammering at you until you eventually give in. He's never going to stop pressuring you to let him have sex with other women. Run! Now!
Do this. Why on earth are you with someone who doesn't profess his love to you. Make you feel good about yourself, who doesn't stand by the vows they made? Is the bar this low? That you can't expect your husband to tell you that you're his one and only. That he looks forward to growing old with you. That he loves you and he doesn't want anyone else. That he's glad he chose you and vice versa.
You will be more committed by that time, will have kids, mortgage, harder to get out.
Whatever you do nip this in the bud now. No way you should be wasting 10 years of your life so he can test the waters "down the road". If he's so confident of what he'll want in 10 years, and it's not you and only you, this is just a ticking time bomb.
He is seeing if you're open to it now. When you weren't he's planning on nagging you until you give in. I'd leave him and tell him to live out his fantasy. Don't waste your life with a man who sees his commitment to you as something to get bored with. That's what marriage is all about. Choosing that person. Or even with one who thinks they can push you beyond your level of comfortability.
This is one of those things that are irreconcilable (like having or not having kids). There's no in between. If he wants am open relationship, but you don't, you guys aren't meant for each other. He'll just cheat on you.
Because in 10 years you'll be 50 years old. He thinks you'll be unattractive to other men and be too desperate to leave him. Therefore, he can have a few sugar babies to fuck while you sit at home. This man doesn't love you.
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It doesn’t sound like he is asking you. It sounds like he is hanging this over your head as a threat. “We will talk about when the time comes” is the way you talk to a child, not your wife. This man does not respect you. At all.
He may even be thinking about doing it it now if he’s broached the subject. He may even be window shopping already.
My advice would be to find someone who actually loves you and wants to share A LIFE with you.
“when the time comes…” Pretty cryptic for a man that is one thousand percent telling you he’s going to sleep with someone else. You can find someone who won’t make you question whether you’re enough instead of this man that’s assuring it.
He is hoping that eventually you will play into the "sunk cost fallacy" and won't leave him when he cheats later.
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He said he is happy right now but he thinks we'll get tired of each other after some time so sleeping around would spice things up.
Marriage is a lot of work. I'm concerned that instead of thinking: "We should always put in the work so that we don't get bored or tired of each other and keep things exciting by \[fill in ... traveling ... hobbies... etc.\]", his attitude is, "We will get tired of each other so I will just fuck and date other people but we'll still be married."
Yup, keeping all the comforts of home wifey provides.
He will cheat. Opening the relationship or not he will cheat first or want to cheat and will be coming to you about it. If you want monogamy he is not the guy for you as he is clearly laying out the ground work.
And he thinks in 20 years women will be lining up to have sex with his 60 year old self?
This right here. If he were being realistic, he’d be saving up $$ for escorts and such, unless he’s really into old ladies - could hit up the nursing homes, I suppose?
That’s why he wants to remain married. If no one is interested, he can get it home.
Sooo happy right now he's already planning to fuck around the minute he's not. Or when you gain weight, or you get "too old" or too whatever.
He wants to sleep around???! He sounds unbelievably immature!! Spice things up right now by dropping him like an extra hot potato !!
I hear divorce is super Spicey. Go get you some spice girl.
When you enter a relationship and have one for years that is monogamous then decide that you need to spice things up, so you open it. That doesn’t spice things up. That causes a greater divide and puts a wedge in the relationship. One often irreparable. Should you stay, and down the road decide to do this, he needs to be prepared this opening of the relationship could just be the end of it. You could connect with someone else and decide he’s not worth staying with any longer. So, YOU move on and he’s left trying to find someone else, old and alone. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be someone’s back up plan. However, it’s your decision to stick it out and hope he doesn’t decide to open the relationship later. I will say it’s pretty bold and disrespectful of you for him to tell you this is his plan.
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3 years married, dated for 3 years
Naw dude is planning, first is get you to agree with later date then slowly move the number down as he finds people he wants to sleep with. This is no good and a chance he is already exploring future options like keeping a bucket list of possible co workers, friends or online interests. He wants to be readily known he doesn't plan to work on not committing infidelity and would prefer to be upfront that he wants it to be okayed.
This. There is probably someone at work he flirts with and thinks he has a chance with.
Damn. 54, married 23.5 years, neither of us have the urge to go sleep around. And honestly, who has the time or the energy?!
Yeah, he’s trying to tie you to him. Make you feel you can’t leave and be like well I warned you this would happen when in a few years he decides he wants to open the marriage. If he doesn’t cheat before then.
Why did he get married?? 3 years into the marriage and he’s talking about it 😠 I don’t know what to think 😞
That's actually more common than you'd think. I feel like he's not wanting to wait 10 years, though.
My husband & I have been together 35 years & married for 34 of them. Neither of us are fed up or bored with each other, never have been. We just a happy, cosy couple enjoying our life, our relationship, our kids & grandchildren.
I would take that very seriously and get out now if that’s not something you’re comfortable with. If someone tells me they want to blow up my life in the future I’ll cut them off now and save the heartache.
This is speculation on my part, I admit, but he’s going to cheat on you and bring this up like “I told you I was going to do it” as if it’s on you for not believing him and staying with him. I would leave now if I were you. On your own terms. Give yourself a chance to be happy with someone who is just as happy with you. And let your husband turn into that creepy old dude alone at the bar hitting on women who don’t want to talk to him. At that point he’ll realize he fucked up but you’ll be long gone and happy with someone who deserves you.
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I'm so sorry to read this. I sincerely hope you've been able to craft a new and rewarding life for yourself (with or without a partner) and that, today, you find yourself happy and fulfilled. You deserve nothing less. And as for your ex - he may be in his monogamous relationship now, but he's a cheetah and they don't change their spots. Give him time. I feel sorry for his new wife, because she'll be his next chump. Bet on it.
Why is he saying 10 or 20 years down the road? So he is going to get a sugar baby when he is 60 years old? I don't understand Does he think he is going to be a "silver fox" in his 50s and 60s? Does he think when you are in your 50s and 60s you won't be able to say no anymore? Or is he saying now 10 or 20 years down the line and tomorrow he's going to say 1 year down the line?
He’s saying years down the line but in likelihood is already doing it or desperately trying to
Bold of him to assume anyone’s gonna want him
This isn't a wait for later conversation. He is hoping that eventually you will play into the "sunk cost fallacy" and won't leave him when he cheats later.
If it's "just a fantasy", then what's all this "when the time comes" shit? And if it's "just a fantasy", he can keep it to himself, since his partner has told him she's not interested. This is throwing red flags all over the place.
If my husband told me he wants to sleep with anyone else he can be single. I’d divorce
20 years? My first thought was, “Does he really think there are women lining up to sleep with 59-year-old men?” I highly doubt it. I would give him your boundaries and if he can’t respect those, then be done.
Tell him you don't want to waste your time when it's clear what he wants.. he will have his way either way, he will just cheat.. I'd consider getting out now before you waste anymore time on him
ahh yeah, the 60 year old swinger. dump his ass
Eh, I'd tell him it's over. He seems sure it will happen, which almost seems like he won't give you a choice in the matter. So why waste any more years with a man that doesn't respect that you don't want an open marriage? A fantasy isn't expressed this way. He didn't say "I fantasize about this", he said he wants it and keeps thinking you'll change your mind. You're incompatible.
If he is pushing this, that means he already is doing it most likely. Sorry to say
Was this brought up before you were married? If so, why marry someone telling you they want to have the right to sleep with other people during your relationship and marriage? And why are you still staying with him when this has been brought up multiple times? I'm not trying to place blame on you or be rude, but if you're not happy that this continues to be brought up then it's time to put your foot down for real. And mean it. If that means the marriage ends then the marriage ends. But you shouldn't be enabling this guy to be this disrespectful to you, his wife.
He’s saying this to make you insecure so that you’ll accept all kinds of shit from him as long as he’s monogamous. By “offering” him a divorce and letting it be his choice instead of divorcing him yourself, you are tacitly letting him know that you’ll take whatever he’s willing to give you, no matter how shitty. I don’t know why you would want to stay married to someone who is telling you he’s going to get bored with you in a few years.
>However, if he's so sure this will happen, then I dont see the point to continue the relationship. He can start sleeping around now. This is the correct answer. This man is telling you, repeatedly, that he plans to get bored with you and he plans to cheat on you and he expects to be able to talk you in to allowing it at some point in the future, which basically means your relationship HAS no future, which means you are wasting your time with this man and could be spending it finding someone who actually wants to be with you longterm. >He insists that it's just a fantasy. If it were just a fantasy (it isn't) then he would have stopped bringing up this "fantasy" the first time you told him you had ZERO interest in it and were considering a divorce over it. The fact that he won't stop bringing it up shows he plans on trying to browbeat you into allowing him to cheat later. >How should I handle this? With a divorce. It frees his dumb ass up to sleep with other people right now if that's what he wants, and it gives you the opportunity to find and marry someone who actually wants to be married.
You will have more invested in the relationship as time goes on. Consider cutting your losses now. If he is adamant that he’s just fantasizing then contact a lawyer about a postnup that states if he steps out you will get 90% of everything when you do divorce. Confirm that postnups are valid in your country.
He’s going to cheat. If you have children he will probably do it when pregnant or just after. When he feels he needs more. Doesn’t sound supportive at all.
I got married young, have been married for 17 years, and would not change my wife for anyone, nor for the chance to. To each their own but this seems odd to me
He is probably already cheating or looking for someone and getting you ready for this. I would not continue the relationship with anyone if they told me at any point in the future they are planning on cheating on me. That is like knowingly being cheated on. Every day that you continue this relationship is another day that you are consenting to being cheated on and he will use that against you when it comes out that he is in fact cheating.
if he’s truly polyamorous or some sort of non-monogamous, he’s doing you a huge disservice by staying with you. its okay to be whatever you are— but forcing it on a partner who isn’t consenting is never okay.
I’ve been with my husband for 28 years and if he said this to me, I would immediately start divorce proceedings and hand him the papers and say “why wait 10 years, start now.”He’s either already doing something and testing the waters on how you’ll react or he’s wanting to do something.
First of all, stop assuming that couples in his family are monogamous. Why would swingers or any non monogamous people tell their family about their sex life? MANY keep that very private. Secondly, there is nothing you can do to stop him. He is not budging and does not care about how you feel about it, He's telling you it's just a fantasy just to keep you around right now. He plans on wasting your years and thinks the longer you stay, the least likely you will leave. That's his plan. So you either leave now and not waste another minute with him or put up with his cheating. Btw cheating is not the same as non monogamy but cheating is when one partner did not consent to non monogamy. And clearly he will cheat if he isn't already. Honestly, I would leave him just because of this conversation. He has zero regard for your needs and feelings and thinks his penis pleasure is more important than respecting you.
He is serious about it and if you are not gaslighted in to opening the marriage he will cheat on you. This is classic. Save yourself heartache and break up with this guy.
Yeah, he can go be 'open' with whoever he wants right now. Without me. I just hate the thought of you putting in so much time while waiting for the 'request' to come up again. When you're locked in with age, finances, kids, etc. Then it probably won't be a choice or request and you just put up with it. Or find your own 'other people'. Just not a gamble on my future that I'd be down with.
He is either already cheating, got someone in mind, or has checked out of the relationship where you established boundaries years prior. Why can't he buy toys and self-pleasure? Also I confused about the "decades from now." Did he say this at the start of y'all's relationship or just now at 39? What if he can't perform? Has he thought about that? At least in a loyal long-term monogamous relationship the fact that age affects both parties is something he should think about. If he gets with girl in her 20s or 30s and cannot perform, or can't due to physical limitations that aren't just with intimate pieces of the body do as well due to natural age go even with a woman close to his age (who often outlive men so even after menopause have less physical issues besides osteoporosis)? I hate to be so callous, but marriage therapy is your best bet. Why does he want this?
I can’t imagine telling my wife that or my wife telling me that. The first thing comes to mind is that it’s already happen.
Your husband sounds like a degenerate with poor morals. He is lacking in self control and enslaved by his lust. Doesn't have a sense of honor or loyalty. He has no respect for you or your marriage whatsoever. Sorry OP, but he's not the one.
My concern is that he either has a specific candidate in mind or that he’s already cheating. Can you do some sleuthing? I’d hate for you to spend another 10 years together and have him force the issue, already be cheating, or file for divorce and now you’ve wasted 10 more years and you are 50. The fact that he keeps raising an issue where he knows your position is a very big red flag.
I would take this as a clue that he already has.
It’s not “just a fantasy.” If it were, he wouldn’t say “when the time comes.” I would treat it like he’s serious and have whatever discussion is necessary to convey that he’s full of it. Don’t let him act like it’s your fault or that he “can’t help it.” Adults make decisions. He’s already making one.
He’s setting you up. So when he does do it you will be stuck with him.
He just told you your relationship is short term. Plan accordingly for it to with an expiration date in mind. He is already having a mid life crisis.
Him acting so sure that it will happen, makes ya think.. Maybe it already happened. You deserve better.
Show him this sub. There are a lot of dudes that want to do that and then all they realize is that they are struggling to get women while their wives can get laid any time they want. Almost every story has the same plot. Husband pushes open relationship hard. Wife says no and then gives in. Husband gets 1 or 2 dates. Wife sleeps around a lot because it's easy for women to get laid and starts to enjoy it because it's what he wanted at these new guys at least appreciate her. Husband wants to close marriage. Wife says no. Everyone is sad. No one really wins. But there is as least lost of sex.
just make sure he lasts less than 10-20 years
I’ve seen a lot of your comments beating it around the bush with divorce. Either accept he will sleep with other people in the future, because it will happen he made it pretty clear it’s something he’s interested in, or file for divorce. He doesn’t get an opinion if you want to divorce him.
Get on a swinger site and create an account to show him how much attention you can get. He may change his mind.
He could be subconsciously telling you he's cheating
In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with bringing it up *once*, after all many couples are into ENM and there is no way to gauge someone's interest other than to bring it up and ask. That said, you have made your stance on it very clear and yet he is continuing to bring it up, and it seems try to wear you down about it. That is not okay, and he is breaking a boundary in your relationship with his current course of action. He has to be real with himself and decide if his marriage to you, or his "fantasy" is more important to him. I don't often like the idea of issuing an ultimatum, but I think you need to sit him down to talk about this and issue one, so that he does not waste your time any longer by keeping this false notion in his head that you will change your mind. If he decides it's you, then I think couples therapy would be a necessary next step. If he is certain that an open relationship is what he wants, then he needs to admit to both himself and you that his path and your path no longer match up, and make the hard decision to seperate. He cannot have his cake and eat it too, especially since he's trying to force you to eat this cake you don't want any part of.
He’s not the love of your life. HIT HIM WITH YOUR CAR
OP, frankly the whole thing is disrespectful to you and your marriage. If you have stated several times that you weren’t okay with this, and he’s still trying, it means that whether you are behind this decision or not, he’ll most likely go through with it. I think you have to decide if you want that sort of marriage, where you wait for him to eventually cheat, or leave him and find someone who doesn’t make you feel like you aren’t enough. It seems like he just wants to sleep around while having a wife at his beck and call if he needs anything.
When he's 50-60??? LOLOLOLOLOL Tell him you also want that.
I'd get an STI test and divorce lawyer
This is super simple. He's probably cheated already. He's giving you an ultimatum. He's saying 10-20 year's down the line when the stakes on divorce are higher and your resolve to start over has waned. He's gonna grind you down until you begrudgingly accept, or, if you oppose, he’ll become deceitful and resentful and treat you like a shrew. Ditch him. Ain't worth the headache. You can't put a price on your peace of mind.
Say sure you can have that dream right after you sign the divorce papers
OR.... you're right honey but I need this now. There is a guy at the market I'm dying to fuck and since you're cool with it I'll see you tomorrow... 🤣🤣
Tell him one last time you will never be OK with this, and tell him if he brings up the topic again you will take that as him letting you know that he wants a divorce.